I've been sitting in this same exact spot for a long time.
Truth is, Alistia and I haven't spoken to each other since the day of
our graduation. We never created the future she said we would create,
and it's fine with me, because I never expected a future so bright in
the first place. It's been a while since I've last seen her.
To pass the time, I've been doing deliveries with an old, rusted
vanship. Somehow, a life on an Anatoure vessel doesn't appeal to me. I
can't decide where to go next in my life. Since I've left the academy,
I've lost all sense of direction. I'm piloting through my life without
my navi to guide me.
I get up from the bench I've been sitting at. I walk forward
about two feet, fold my arms, and rest them on the railing. It's a
chilly autumn evening, I can feel the slight sting of the foretelling
breeze, one that alerts me with each nip that winter is drawing nearer.
But, forget the weather. As the sun sets, I can see the lake in front
of me, surrounded by a bombardment of lights. The ambience this
environment creates is interesting, because the sky above me is a
combination of deep blues and purples. It's not quite dark, but it's
late enough that the lights are on and I can see their glow over the
water. I look down at the water and I can faintly see my reflection.
I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I have the sinking
feeling that the person staring back at me has lost something. She can
see me from where she is, but she can't reach me, and so she sinks
farther and farther, into the dark, murky depths of my past, until we
both forget why she was at the surface in the first place.
Looking at my reflection is getting to be sickening, so I back
up and sit down on the bench once again. However, when I sit down, I
fail to notice an elderly man sitting next to me, at the edge of the
bench.
"Eve'nin's a good time ta think, eh?"
I'm going to ignore this guy. My life is none of his business.
Even though I haven't responded, he chooses to continue. What
an annoyance. "I been here as many times as I can remember. The scene's
changed quite a bit, but the way it calms me ain't like any other."
I keep ignoring him, but my silence doesn't seem to faze him.
"All the time, we always wan' ta be with some people, and when
we got the people, we forget how hard it was ta be wit' 'em, and we wan'
ta be alone all over. Then when we is alone, we wan' people again!
That's the problem with people, we don't know what...uh... we want.
"I still remember the first time I came here. I was a boy, and
my mother and father got inta some fight, no fists or nothin', but you
know, the kind where you just shout at each otha? I still don't know
what that was all about, but I do remembers the impression it gave me.
I ran out crying, and I came to this bench right here. Those days,
things didn't look all fancy and bright like this. I looked up at the
sky, and was thinkin' but it's so funny, I can't remembers what it was I
was thinkin' about. When I went home, my mother had left, and she ain't
never came back.
"I know the ramblin's of an old man ain't in-ter-es-tin' to a
young girl like you, but if you ever come back to this spot, you ought
to remembers what I said, 'cause you can learn from my mistake."
After a few more minutes of silence, the old man sighs, slowly
stands up, and walks away. I fold back the sleeve of my sweater to
reveal the time. It's nearly six. A lot more than a few minutes have
passed.
I can't understand what took place that night, even after all
this time. Night after night, I've tried to figure it out. Did Alistia
ever know how I felt about Hjalmar? Did she know how much I disliked
him? Did she know why I ran away? And what of... that kiss she gave
me? Was it a kiss? Maybe it was all in my mind.
On graduation day, after the ceremony, she told me that she
would be living with her parents temporarily until she could find an
Anatoure ship she could serve. I told her the same, but truth was, I
didn't know what I was going to do. So I took whatever little money my
parents gave me before I left for the academy, and bought an aged, rusty
old vanship. I had just enough for one week's rent in a small shack in
Anatoure, but that was enough for me. I began doing deliveries with my
vanship, and being the skilled vanship pilot I am, I became known as the
fastest vanship carrier around. After doing delivery after delivery, I
was able to move into a slightly better place. Life wasn't exactly
comfortable, but when was it ever? I was doing fine.
Even so, I couldn't write to my parents because I couldn't bring
myself to write more lies. At the time I wrote that last letter, even
I, myself, was not certain of my future. I didn't know if Alistia would
be with me, and I definitely wasn't eager to serve on an Anatoure ship.
How could I write another letter filled with more lies? I lied to
myself and my parents then, but I can't lie now.
The last six months have been lonely, I'll admit, but I've been
doing just fine.
Just a few minutes after six, I feel someone sit next to me, on
the other end of the bench. I glance over to my left and Alistia is
sitting there, staring at me right in the face. I'm not quite sure what
to say. I must have looked strange from afar, just a lonesome stranger
sitting on a bench, staring at a lake, quite possibly deep in thought.
I feel a wave of dread. I must have looked pretty stupid from afar.
I successfully completed an eight-star delivery to the Silvana.
I didn't know what it was, all I knew was that I had to bring a parcel
to Alex Row, of the Silvana. There were some insane Guild chasers on my
tail, but they underestimated my skills. I outflew them, and arrived on
the Silvana unscathed. Well, almost. My vanship was smoking at the
rear, and wouldn't be able to fly again. But, I did successfully
complete my delivery, and I was positive that the money I would receive
from such a mission would be more than enough to repair my vanship, if
not enough to buy myself a new one.
The captain of the Silvana, Alex Row, seemed very impressed by
my skills. He asked me if I would be interested in serving as a pilot
on the Silvana. I thanked him for the offer, told him I would consider
it, but said that I had things to take care of at home. He seemed to
understand that, and as soon as the mechanics on the Silvana repaired my
vanship, I flew home.
That was a few weeks ago.
With the money I got from my delivery, I decided that I was
going to move into a better home. I began to pack some of my things.
Last week, I was rummaging through my belongings, when I found a small,
folded piece of paper. I unfolded it, and Alistia's address was on it,
in her handwriting. I sat on the floor and stared at the paper in my
hand. At that moment, I realized that it wasn't too late. I took out a
sheet of paper of my own, and began to write.
Alis,
I hope you still remember who this is. I'm very busy. Sorry.
Couldn't write earlier. How are you? I was wondering if you would like
to meet me some time. I don't have much time, if you agree to meet with
me, how about next week, on the fifteenth, at six? I plan to be there
regardless, so if you can't make it, it's nothing important. I won't be
home for a few days, so if you write back, I might not receive it. Take
care. Tatiana.
I ran out of my home and hurriedly mailed the letter. After the
excitement of getting the letter in the mailbox, I slowly walked home.
While it was true I wouldn't be home for a few days, I had a lot of time
to write a letter to Alistia, but I didn't. I felt bad about lying, but
how could I begin to tell her the truth? "Things were awkward since I
saw you last, so I decided that I wouldn't write to you. And by the
way, I've moved and never bothered telling you my new address, so you
could never contact me, because I think we have an unresolved past?" No
way that would fly.
And so, here I am. "Hey, Alis." I try to smile, but never have
I found it so difficult to smile.
"Hi, Tatiana."
"How are you?"
"I'm okay. What about you? I heard you were busy," Alistia
says with a playfully teasing smile on her face.
"Sort of," I respond shyly. I don't know what's wrong with me,
but I know Alistia sees through it.
"I'm glad you wrote me. I'm a little embarrassed to say this,
but I checked the mail every day, hoping that I would find a letter from
you. Days passed, then months, and still, nothing. I almost lost hope,
when I received your letter last week. I noticed you didn't write a
return address on the envelope or on the letter, are you still living
with your parents?"
I look away. She must've known what this meant.
"I don't have too much time tonight, I must be getting home in
an hour. But, let's do what we can. Please, tell me, how have you
been?"
"How are you feeling?"
The grounded earth of my consciousness quakes with force. I can
see my past, our past, materializing in my mind.Like the first time we
met, I fail to respond. This time, not out of a need to ignore her, but
because I don't know what to say. How have I been? I don't even know
the answer to that.
"Oh, you didn't get around to answering my question earlier.
How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling all right... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt,
though."
Alistia repeated herself. "Tatiana? How have you been?"
I look up at her with sad smile on my face. "I've been all
right. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, though."
"What do you mean? How are you hurt?"
"Where did you hurt yourself?"
"Alis, I think you know what I mean." Alistia looks at me with the
strangest expression on her face. She knows what I meant, but she, for
once, doesn't want to admit it to herself, either. I know she knows.
She knew then, and she knows now.
"What do you think about Hjalmar? Does he bother you? What do
you think about Hjalmar and me?"
What a stupid jerk. I began to grow weary of this part of our
routine. How easily I saw through his facade, even though my best
friend Alistia didn't.
I stand up. I can't stand it any longer, I can't sit here while the
past replays in my mind, with Alistia here, next to me, refusing to
acknowledge what I feel. How could she not know? No, she can't know...
of course she doesn't know. She's not a mind reader. If I don't tell
her the truth, how could she ever know for sure? I would tell you the
truth, Alistia... if I knew it myself.
When I opened the door, I saw Hjalmar and Alistia standing in
the middle of the room, inches away. Hjalmar had the strangest look on
his face -- not that he ever looked normal anyway, and he inched closer,
in a motion to kiss her. This was too much. Alistia glanced at me,
before I slammed the door and ran down the hallway. I couldn't stand it
anymore.
The ground quakes with such cataclysmic force that the dikes
holding the rushing water crumble under the pressure. The memories come
flooding back, and I can't stop them.
After running in mental circles for some time, I finally decided
to get up and go home. I stepped in, pressed a switch next to the door,
and it slid shut. Alistia looked up at me sadly. I didn't know how to
continue.
With them, I am swept away.
"Tatiana... why did you leave?"
I was taken aback when I saw tears pooling around the bottom
ledges of her eyes.
Why did I leave?
"Please, Tatiana, why when I need to hear the truth the most,
you hide it from me?"
Was she waiting for a particular answer?
If I had said something then, then I would have had a chance.
Maybe I still do.
"Are you leaving?" Alistia's voice snaps me back into the
bitterness that is reality.
I sit down. "No."
A few moments of silence pass. The discomfort of this silence
is really getting to me. "Alis, what happened that night, when you and
Hjalmar were in that room?"
Another uncomfortable silence.
"Hjalmar tried to kiss me. I made it clear that I wasn't
interested, but he got offended, because he thought I liked him too. He
respected my wishes, though bitterly, and walked out. I wanted to look
for you, Tatiana, but I knew you wanted to be alone. You wouldn't have
left like that, if you didn't want to be alone, right?" I hear a slight
choke in Alistia's voice, but I'm too afraid to look her in the eye. It
sounds like she's on the verge of crying.
"I'm glad nothing happened between you two. When I left the
room, I sat in the elevator the whole time. I didn't want to go home
because I didn't want to catch you two in the middle of something. That
really would've set me off. I want to know one thing, Alis..."
"Yes?"
"Did you ever like Hjalmar?"
"Not really, no. He seemed like a nice guy at first, but in the
end, I felt that he wasn't for me. Besides, I didn't feel anything
special towards him. He was always just any other person to me. Why
are you asking me this, Tatiana?"
"I'm relieved."
"What?"
"I'm relieved that you never liked him like that."
"Why do you say that?"
"He was an arrogant jerk. I didn't like him at all. It was so
obvious he was interested in you, it made me so... so..."
"Tatiana... why did you leave?"
I left, because I was...
"...jealous."
I look over to Alistia, and she has a somewhat confused look on
her face. Beneath that confusion though, I can see realization sweep
over her face like an unsuppressed plague.
"I hated it, Alis. I hated it. I hated how he would interrupt
our conversations and start boasting about his achievements. I hated
the way he followed us, no, followed you everywhere. I hated him most
when he tried to kiss you.He got between us, Alis. I felt like I was
losing you... and at that moment, when I walked into the room and saw
him trying to kiss you, I felt as if I'd already lost you. That's the
truth, Alis. That's why I left that night."
"Tatiana, I..."
I continue. If I stop, I don't know if I would ever be able to
bring myself to tell her the rest. "Since that night, even though I
tried to forget about it, things haven't felt the same. You were there,
but I felt as if you weren't. Since that night, I feel as if a wall has
separated us. That's why, after our graduation from the academy, I made
no effort to write you. I couldn't bring myself to, Alis," I felt the
tears clawing and digging their way to my eyes. "I lied to you that
night, Alis. But this is the truth."
I hear some shuffling, and I suddenly feel the side of Alistia's
body pressed up against mine. I glance over to my left, and Alistia has
scooted up right next to me, so close that I almost need to tilt my head
back slightly to get a clear look at her face. A solitary tear rolls
down my cheek. I've said all that I needed to say, and now I am
speechless.
Alistia looks over to me, and I can see it in her eyes. I feel
Alistia's hand gently rest on mine, as if to comfort me, like how she
always has. I can feel her fingers wriggling their way into my hand,
until our fingers are entwined. Nothing needs to be said. Alistia
knows how I feel, and no number of words can express that.
"Now you know how I feel, Alis..." I say, with regret. Things
will never be the same, now I've secured a future without Alistia.
Alistia shakes her head and smiles before laying her head on my
shoulder.
"Tatiana, now you know how I've always felt."
An unspoken, mutual understanding passes between us. Our past
may have been built on lies, but I know we'll build our future on truth.
There have been many times I've felt lost in the world, in my life, and
in myself, but tonight, I know I'll fly straight on into the future with
my hope, my strength, my dreams, and my navi.
Gazing up at the sky, I realize that obstacles will never cease
to impede our path of flight. But, together, with my navi, I know the
future we fly into can only be as resplendent as the stars that blanket
the velvety black sky.
The stars are out and the sun has long since dipped over the
horizon, but tonight, time is as endless as the expanse of the universe
above us.
We sit in comfortable silence.
I hope you enjoyed reading My Navi.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to e-mail me.
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