Have you ever lied to someone?
As virtuous as you'd like to think yourself to be, I have no
doubts in my mind that you answered "yes" to that question. Fact is,
most of us have lied at one point or another. Unless you're a sick,
pathological liar, you probably have reasons for all your lies, reasons
you could explain.
Lies are lies, and I for one have never stood by them.
Undoubtedly, there are exceptions. There are times you might need to
lie to save others or yourself.
Does a good reason excuse a lie?
I don't think it does. A reason explains why you lied, it helps
others understand why you did what you did. Whether it was for the best
or not, I don't think a lie can be excused. Even if it is understood.
I've always considered myself to be an honest person. Maybe
rudely so. If I tell you the truth and it hurts you, then feel the
pain. I have no concern for the feelings of those who can't face
reality. If you can't face reality, then you aren't really living at
all. To me, you're only an empty shell. I can't respect those who
don't make an effort to live, because every day of my life, it's what I
strive to do.
I'm sure you know that difficulty in life is subjective. I don't
really care if you think that what I've gone through was difficult, but
I think it was, in its own right. I'll explain it, and leave it to you
to decide.
I had a somewhat comfortable childhood. I wasn't famished, but
my family wasn't well off, either. My family wasn't as wealthy as they
should have been. You see, my father was what you would call a
"left-behind noble." During the rapid expansion and development of my
hometown, my family, along with a number of others of noble heritage,
did not receive the guaranteed plots of land that the government
traditionally granted. Abandoned by a government that promised to take
care of us, I did not live the privileged lifestyle that earlier
generations of the Wisla family experienced.
Despite our fall down the economic ladder, I still found the
same pressures thrust upon me. My parents pressured me to succeed, to
preserve the Wisla family's honor, despite our unfortunate situation.
I went on to become the top graduate of the officer academy, and
became an extremely skilled vanship pilot. I had no doubts about my
skill. But, I couldn't tell my parents my true intentions, how my plans
differed from their vision of "Wisla honor." I wrote a letter to my
mother, telling her that my goal was to become a full-fledged Anatoure
military officer in command of a ship, with the aspiration of engaging a
Deusis battleship and emerging successfully. That with my best friend,
I could do it.
I haven't seen my parents in over four years. My father was in
poor health when I left for the academy, and it only worsened. I'm sure
my mother read my letters to him, and he died believing every word. Or
maybe he never believed it at all. I'd like to think that he did
though, because while I realize I should have written the truth, my
father's health was fading quickly, and my mother was losing energy
taking care of him. Neither of them would have approved my choices, and
I don't think they could have handled it.
I still wish I could have told them the truth.
I met my best friend at the officer academy. I remembered
seeing her face at a couple of the orientation classes, but I never gave
it a second thought. One day, the female group lined up in alphabetical
order in the barracks. To be honest, I really didn't want to bunk with
the girl next to me, she was careless, stupid, and a little cocky. We
already had to work together for a multitude of drills and activities
earlier in the day, I didn't want to bunk with her as well. To my
relief, after we lined up alphabetically, our bunkmates were selected at
random, our names announced in pairs.
This was how I met Alistia Agrew.
Alistia, being closer to the bunk, arrived there first. I
quickly made my way to the bunk. As I approached the bunk, Alistia
smiled at me kindly, ever so slightly. It was subtle, but direct, and I
knew right away that I might have a hard time avoiding conversation. So
far, I despised everyone at the academy, I didn't expect her to be any
different. She might just try to talk to me. I decided early on not to
give her the impression that I was here to make friends.
After all the bunks were assigned, our drill instructor
announced the activities for tomorrow and walked out.
I carried my bags over to the bunk. I visually scanned the
bunk, located the steel chest at the end of the bunk, and started
loading my things in.
I finished unpacking and stood up. I looked up to see Alistia
just standing there, looking at me. What for? I wondered.
"I'm Alistia Agrew," Alistia walked over to me, with her hand
extended, in a motion that I assumed was an offer for a handshake.
I must have given her a strange look, because she quickly added,
"I know you already know my name, but I'd really like a formal
introduction."
"Oh," I said disinterestedly, and glanced over at the bunk. "Top
or bottom?"
"Huh? Oh... well..." Alistia's eyes travelled to the bunk
momentarily before turning back to me, and saying, with the same slight
smile on her face, "it's up to you, it's all the same to me."
Her kindness was starting to irritate me. "Why do you have to
make things so difficult?" I muttered, before climbing up the ladder to
the top bunk.
Despite the long day, I was having some difficulty sleeping. It
wasn't just the harshness of such a drastically different environment,
it wasn't that I was homesick, or that I was worried about the tasks and
obstacles that lay before me, but something else altogether. I couldn't
erase the image of Alistia's sadly quizzical expression when I blatantly
displayed my disinterest in her kindness. I muttered "Why do you have
to make things so difficult?" and she heard every word clearly. She
seemed saddened by my words, and even though I held the presumption that
her feelings didn't matter to me as I uttered them, it bothered me
somehow. I couldn't get that sad look out of my head.
Alistia and I did not speak to each other for at least two
weeks, maybe more. Sometimes in class, I caught her glancing at me, but
every time I looked at her, she would quickly turn away. I was under
the impression that she wished to speak to me, but was extremely
hesitant to do so, after our inauspicious first encounter.
I knew early on that I would become a vanship pilot. Everything
about it appealed to me. To fly a vanship, in my mind, was the ultimate
escape; the closest thing to freedom I would ever encounter in this
war-torn world. In the skies, there is only myself and the boundless
expanse of my dreams.
However, at the officer academy, while specialization begins
fairly early, we were still required to learn how to do a myriad of
different tasks, in the case that we may need to undertake other roles.
Some of the physical drills we were subjected to were trying and
extremely difficult. While definitely anything but easy, I was able to
get through these at a highly desired pace, setting the standard for
many of the other cadets.
During one of the drills, we were required to climb over a
fairly steep wall. This was a drill that I normally excelled at, but
that day, my mind was elsewhere. I honestly can't recall now, but
whatever it was, it disrupted my concentration. About halfway up the
wall, I lost footing and lost my grip on the safety rope. I tried to
land on both feet, but that was met without success. I landed on one
foot, which absorbed all the impact.
I was carried to the clinic on a stretcher.
I broke my ankle. As highly inconvenient as it was, it meant
that I wouldn't have to do any physical drills until it healed, and I
could read up on vanship piloting while I was laid up. And according to
the doctor, I could be laid up anywhere from six weeks to several
months. She emphasized that it wasn't broken too badly, with
infinitesimal damage to the ligaments, so it was more than likely that
I'd be sitting around for two months, not much more. It was a vacation
that came at a price, but a price I was willing to pay.
That night, I was sitting in a relaxed position in my bunk,
reading Vinship, a vintage vanship aficionado magazine. I didn't
consider myself a big fan of vintage vanships, but it was interesting to
flip through anyway. Slowly, the other female cadets walked into the
barrack, many in pleasant conversation, settling down at their
respective bunks. I knew this because I heard them, but I only recall
looking up from my magazine once or twice. I flipped through a few more
pages and looked at some of the full-page, vivid photographs. I
distinctly remember one "before" picture of a dilapidated, jalopy of a
vanship with a dull, rusted body. It was so decrepit, that some panels
rusted right through, revealing jagged, shallow holes where a shiny,
strong alloy panel once filled. And an "after" with an impeccably
restored vanship, with an eye-catching glistening red paint job, all
panels repaired, all parts polished, better than new. I don't care
about restoring vanships, but if you saw how people restored them, you
would be flipping through Vinship, too.
Before I knew it, the curfew began and the lights were off.
This meant that I couldn't finish my magazine. Slightly irritated, I
stuffed my magazine under my pillow, folded my arms behind my head, and
stared up into the darkness. My eyes were still adjusting to the
darkness, and maybe that's why what happened next startled me.
"I saw what happened to you today. I was right next to you when
you fell. I tried to help, but it all happened so fast..." Alistia's
voice rang in the darkness. "How are you feeling?"
I began to see some of the plain features of the ceiling.
Small, tiny holes in the square panels that made up the ceiling. I
started to count them, one by one. I wanted to ignore her so badly. I
couldn't help but think of responses, and it kept making me lose count
of the pores in the ceiling.
I heard some shuffling beneath me. "I know we got off to a bad
start, and I'm really not sure why it happened that way," Alistia paused
as if to gather her thoughts, then continued, "but we are bunkmates, and
I think it'd be good if we got along a little better."
She had a point. I stopped counting holes. "All right," was
all I could manage to say. Deep inside, I knew I owed her an apology,
but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept telling myself that she
was inconsequential, and that I had no reason to apologize. But, I was
only lying to myself.
She sounded relieved. "I'm glad."
There was a very long silence. I wasn't sure if she fell asleep
or not. "Alistia...?"
"Yes?"
I have to admit I was taken aback. I was expecting silence.
Now that she responded, I didn't know what to say, I hadn't expected a
response. Luckily, I didn't need to think of one. "Oh, you didn't get
around to answering my question earlier. How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling all right... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt,
though."
"I saw you fall, but the instructor was urging us to keep
climbing, so I couldn't see what happened next. Where did you hurt
yourself?"
"I broke my ankle."
"Are you going home?"
"No way. I just won't be participating in any physical drills
for a while."
I heard a stifled giggle from Alistia, before she continued,
"Oh, it's nothing you'll miss."
"Climbing into bed is a real pain, though. I can't put pressure
on my ankle, so it takes me a really long time to climb up."
"How about switching spots for a while?"
"You mean, you'll take the top bunk, while I take the bottom?"
"Right. Until your ankle heals. It'll be easier for you, won't
it?"
I have to admit I was rendered speechless for a moment. Despite
my unpleasant disposition earlier, she still maintained a specific level
of kindness and dignity. It was at this moment that I felt respect for
Alistia. She wasn't just anyone. It takes someone different to do what
she has done. I was consciously lying to myself, making excuses for not
treating her with mutual kindness and respect, but at this particular
moment, those pills of lies couldn't hold up once drowned in truth. They
simply dissolved.
There was so much I wanted to say, I wanted to tell her that I
respected her, that I was sorry for the way I acted earlier, but all I
could express was one simple sentiment.
"Thank you, Alistia."
"Please, just call me Alis."
"All right, Alis."
Things were still awkward for a while, but I gradually warmed up
to Alistia. I attended classes normally, with the exception of physical
training, ate meals with everyone else, and spent most of my time lying
in my bed reading. Alistia slowly insinuated herself into my life. At
night, we would have hushed conversations. I wasn't one to fall asleep
immediately, and neither was she, and I greatly enjoyed her company. I
believed the feeling to be mutual. Sometimes we would talk about our
day, and sometimes our opinions on various matters. Our conversations
never got too detailed, however, due to the lack of privacy in the
barrack.
Soon, however, this was about to change.
One day, at the beginning of engineering class, we were given a
psychological test. The test was about 18 pages long, and measured many
different aspects of our psyche. After we completed the test, our
instructor told us that it determined the best role for us in the
Anatoure forces. The results of the psychological exam, in addition to
our performance records, physical and academic, would decide our future
in the Anatoure military.
As you've probably guessed, this was where I became a vanship
pilot.
On that day, Alistia and I officially became a pilot and
navigator duo. After our promotion from the first year of the academy,
we were given better rooms. We gained more autonomy, we were able to
select our roommates. Of course, for me, there was none other than
Alistia to fill that role.
With the increased privacy, Alistia and I grew closer. We were
able to share more personal stories of our pasts. We resumed our
nightly talks, and this time, they became more engaging than ever. By
the end of our stay at the academy, we became inseparable. Alistia, who
wasn't in my favor initially, became the best friend I referred to in
the last letter to my family.
Alistia and I have never had what you might call "rough times."
Of course, even the best of friends will have some difficulties, but
with Alistia and I, there simply weren't. Until the intervention of
another cadet at the academy during our second year.
It was an ordinary day, Alistia and I were flying a vanship,
doing the usual practice procedures. After we finished and climbed out,
a tall young man with bright blue eyes and short, parted brown hair
walked up to us and remarked that he thought we made a great team. He
introduced himself as Hjalmar, a third-year student and made no effort
to hide his attraction towards Alistia. Alistia might not have noticed,
but I noticed. I figured he was probably directing that compliment
towards her, and only used it as a springboard to approach her. What a
stupid jerk. He even looked ugly. Alistia thanked him for his
compliment, while I only glared at him as he wistfully stared at her.
He probably didn't notice my glare, but if he did glance at me, even
momentarily, he would feel my wrath. And I kept hoping that he would
look at me, so he would see how easily I saw through his facade, even
though my best friend Alistia didn't.
Hjalmar began appearing with increasing frequency. I was
convinced that this loser was a stalker. He had to be. And every time,
he would shower us with compliments, more notably, Alistia. About her
great navigational abilities and such. How he'd never seen a better
navigator himself. How he'd love to have her be his navigator one day.
You get the idea, thinking about it is pissing me off.
Once, during dinner, Alistia and I were talking about our flying
exercise for the day and how we could have improved. Things we normally
talk about during dinner. I was enjoying myself, when... you guessed
it, Hjalmar waltzed over, sat down right next to Alistia, and as if to
add insult to the injury, turned his head to face her whenever he spoke,
his face inches away. Could he have been more obvious? But, Alistia
seemed to enjoy his company, and as her friend, I knew I had to respect
her. Though I didn't respect him, if she really did find him to be a
pleasant conversationalist, then I respected her opinion, regardless of
whether I agreed. So I kept my mouth shut and watched him flirt with
her, while she gave him her undivided attention. Looking at them was
highly unappetizing, but I looked down at my food anyway. I figured it
was the lesser of the two evils.
He began dining with us on a daily basis.
As straightforward as I considered myself to be, this was
something I couldn't talk about with Alistia. Besides, I didn't really
care anyway. So Alistia liked some idiotic guy whom I had absolutely no
respect for. That was none of my business. I didn't care. She could
do whatever she wished, and if that meant ignoring me and listening to
some stupid pseudo-intellectual third-year hotshot babble on
incoherently about his innate abilities and talents, what could I say.
Maybe Alistia wasn't as intelligent as I thought she was.
Several weeks after Hjalmar started dining with us, I began to
grow weary of this part of our routine. My day would be wonderful, and
here he would be, messing up my routine. Once, instead of going
directly to dinner with Alistia, as we walked to the mess hall, I made
up some excuse. I told her that I had something to do, and that I would
meet her later. She seemed surprised, her lips parted as if to say
something. Maybe she did say something. I don't know, I didn't hear
it, and I don't think I'll never know. I briskly walked away.
I spent close to an hour or so walking around. I couldn't
understand why I was so angry. I kept telling myself that I didn't
care, but somehow, I did. I did care. But I couldn't admit it to
myself, and every time I got close to admitting it, it only angered me
more. After some more wandering, I decided to go back to my room.
When I opened the door, I saw Hjalmar and Alistia standing in
the middle of the room, inches away. Hjalmar had the strangest look on
his face -- not that he ever looked normal anyway, and he inched closer,
in a motion to kiss her. This was too much. Alistia glanced at me,
before I slammed the door and ran down the hallway. I couldn't stand it
anymore. I walked over to the elevator, tapped the button repeatedly --
of course, knowing that it wouldn't speed the process up -- and as the
doors slid open, I walked into the empty elevator and sat in the corner.
I wrapped my arms around my legs and pulled my knees up to my face, akin
to a fetal position, and just sat. The doors slowly slid shut. I don't
know how long I sat there, but eventually the doors slid open, and
different people walked in and out. Some I recognized, some I didn't.
In a way, I secretly hoped that one of my friends would step in and
notice my position, but I somehow knew that wouldn't happen. And so I
sat there. I overheard random conversations, but none of them really
registered. I was there, physically, but I really couldn't hear what
they were saying. Most of it sounded oddly distant, like I had ear
plugs stuffed into my ears. There were random words that would strike
me with crystallized clarity, before the rest of the sentence got sucked
into a black hole. It didn't really make any sense to me at the time,
but that wasn't what I thought about. My mind, at the time, was
surprisingly blank. I didn't know what to think. What about Hjalmar
and Alistia kissing upset me so much? Why of course, it's because he's
a stupid jerk who thinks the world of himself and I'm protecting my best
friend. No. Somehow, it didn't feel right. I felt the answer lurking
somewhere in me, but I didn't have the strength to extract it alone.
After running in mental circles for some time, I finally decided
to get up and go home. I stood up, pressed the appropriate number for
my floor, walked out, walked to my room, and stood outside the door. I
was hesitant to open the door... who knows what I might do if I saw more
than I bargained for. I felt a wave of sickness and disgust at the very
idea, and paused until that feeling subsided. I took a deep breath,
slid my id key into the lock, pressed the key code, and the door slid
open. I only saw Alistia sitting at the edge of her bed, looking down
at the floor, almost dejectedly. I stepped in, pressed a switch next to
the door, and it slid shut.
"Alis... I..."
Alistia looked up at me sadly. I didn't know how to continue.
"...I'm sorry for running out like that. Truth is, I wasn't feeling too
well, and you know, you two seemed busy, so it all worked out just fine,
right?"
"Tatiana... why won't you tell me the truth?"
"That was the truth."
"No, it wasn't. Please, Tatiana, why when I need to hear the
truth the most, you hide it from me?" I was taken aback when I saw
tears pooling around the bottom ledges of her eyes.
I felt like a statue. What a terrible feeling it was. It
wasn't always a bad thing to be a statue. I've always kept a cool
exterior, always detached. It made me look solid and strong. But now,
standing here, stiff and distant like a statue, I realized that being
detached made you devoid of life, the chunk of rock that no one cares
about because it never moves, the one that gets left behind because it
cannot change, the one that gets crapped on by the pigeons. But, if you
never lived in the first place, how could you come to life?
"What do you want me to say? For all I know, I could tell you
the truth, and you'd still think I was lying."
Alistia ignored my question and asked me some of her own. "What
do you think about Hjalmar? Does he bother you? What do you think
about Hjalmar and me?"
"I don't care about him."
"Tatiana... why did you leave?"
"I told you why."
Alistia smoothed out the wrinkles in her uniform, stood up,
walked over to me, and stood facing me, just inches away from my face.
We said nothing for what felt like hours. Realistically though, I'd say
it was a few minutes. She tilted her head forward and nuzzled her face
in my shoulder. I couldn't understand why. She moved her head slightly
and her lips gently grazed my neck. She left a faint, subtle kiss. Not
unlike the smile she flashed me when we first met.
Before I could figure any of this out, she walked back to her
bed and sat down.
I shut off the lights, walked over to my bed, and collapsed on
top of it. That night, I surprisingly fell asleep instantaneously.
The next day, we didn't see Hjalmar. We never saw him again
after that day. Things were awkward between Alistia and I, but
gradually, we forgot about that night, and everything reverted to
normal. Despite the passing of time, there was one thing I made sure
never to do.
I never mentioned that night. Neither did she.
Two years later, it was the night before our graduation. The
day was before us, but things proceeded normally. Everything felt
awkward, because everything felt so normal. I'm not sure if that really
makes sense, but I won't try to explain any further. After dinner,
Alistia and I went back to our room. An eerie silence pervaded the
room. I didn't know what to say, and her silence wasn't assisting me.
I wasn't really sure what was going to become of us now. Just
yesterday, the day before that, and every other day before, it never
occurred to me that there would be an end. Of course, I knew it all
along, but I didn't feel it until that night. And so, I couldn't do
what I normally did. Because I didn't think how I normally thought.
Time passed, the routine went on as usual. Soon, Alistia
flicked the light switch off and crawled into her bed on the other side
of the room, while I already lay in mine. Normally, we'd keep on
talking despite the darkness, but this time, I felt as if there was
nothing to say. Did she feel the same?
"Alis... what will we do after tomorrow?"
"We'll do what we always do. We'll find a future together,
won't we Tatiana?"
"With you, I know I can do anything."
Part 1 End.
Author's Note:
Hello there, I hope you enjoyed my first Last Exile fan fiction. I've
seen tons of Claus/Lavie, Alex/Sophia fan fiction, but I didn't recall
seeing any Alistia/Tatiana fan fiction when there seemed to be
substantial content in the series suggesting a possible romantic
attraction between them. I attempted to give the technology a
retro-futuristic feel, modelled after the series, and Tatiana's
paradoxical nature was intended, so please, no complaints about that.
Thanks for your time, I hope you will leave this story with high
expectations for Part 2!
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