ALIELLE: Here she is, back again, the woman we all love to love- Princess Fatora! THE ADVENTURES OF ALIELLE AND FATORA Featuring Princess Fatora, Protector of the Innocent; and Alielle, the innocent she's, um, "protecting". FATORA: Well, hello there, and welcome once again to my domain. It looks like you've come to rely on my priceless advice, because we've been receiving even more questions from you, my subjects. Let's hear one, Alielle! ALIELLE: "Dear Fatora and Alielle, I'm your biggest fan..." FATORA: You wanna bet? Join the queue, baby! ALIELLE: "Since you finished starring in the Alternative World, do you have any other TV appearances lined up?" FATORA: Of course! Alielle, I understand you made a guest appearance in a recent episode of Pokemon... ALIELLE: Mmm-hmm! But something tells me the Americans won't be translating that one! FATORA: So then... Team Rocket's James, the subject of a million and one fan sites by lovestruck teenage girls... is he gay? ALIELLE: Yep. FATORA: They'll get over it. I meanwhile, will be starring as a major character in the upcoming Tenchi remake- "No Need For Continuity!" ALIELLE: Which of the girls will you be playing, Miss Fatora? Ayeka? Ryoko? FATORA: None! I'll be playing Tenchi... heheheh... anyway, how about another letter? ALIELLE: "Dear Fatora, why is it that royals never seem to make mistakes?" FATORA: Well, that's all down to Royal Etiquette. There are a lot of rules concerning royalty that the uneducated masses- that's you people- would do well to remember. For instance, rule number 801- "Never glomp a member of the Royal House..." ALIELLE: "...unless they glomp you first..." FATORA: "...or you think you can get away with it." But sometimes, no amount of etiquette can prevent even the greatest of us- that's me- from making mistakes. As this story illustrates. Go on, read it. Leave us alone. ALIELLE: Would you like me to help you rehearse for your new role, Fatora? FATORA: Sure! I'll be Tenchi, you can be Ryoko... CUT!! CHAPTER THREE: "PROTECTION" The reporter approached one of the thousands of flag waving well-wishers lining the streets around the palace."Excuse me, I'm Kagsi Vulpix, from the Roshtarian Observer. Could I ask you what motivated you to come here for Fatora Day?" "Well," the woman replied, "I see Princess Fatora as a real positive role model for women today. So I decided to come here and wish her a happy birthday.""Thankyou. And you, madam? Why are you here?" the reporter asked, moving on to a small, elderly woman. "Well dear," she said, "I haven't missed a royal birthday in fifty-three years. They do such a marvelous job, the royals. And Princess Fatora seems like such a lovely girl." "Okay, great," the reporter smiled. She moved on again, this time to a pair of teenage boys. "Hi, I'm from the Roshtarian Observer. Why are you here today?" "We're here to see Fatora," one of them answered. "Yeah," the other one agreed. "She's cool." The first one leaned in to the reporter. "He really, really likes her." "Yeah," his friend sniggered. "I, like, send her letters and stuff." "Really?" the reporter asked. "And does Fatora reply?" The boy looked indignant. "Hey! Get off my case! She's just busy, okay? It doesn't mean she hates me!" "Great. Thanks," the reporter said, before backing off to a safe distance. Suddenly there was some activity on the palace's central balcony. "Fatora! Fatora!" the crowd chanted. Londs walked to the front of the balcony and addressed the crowd. "The Royal House is greatly honoured that you have come here today for Princess Fatora's eighteenth birthday. Her majesty would now like to come out and say a few words." Fatora strode triumphantly onto the balcony to rapturous applause. She savoured this for a few moments, until the novelty wore off and she got bored of waiting. "Silence!" she bellowed. The crowd shut up, much to her pleasure. "Well now," she said as she paced up and down, "um... thanks for coming. Appreciate it. Please leave all presents by the main gates, where the servants are waiting to collect them." She paused. "Oh well. See you next year." She allowed the onlookers a very, very brief wave, then quickly re-entered the palace. Half an hour later, she and Alielle were sat on the floor, with piles of wrapping paper and presents around them. Makoto, Nanami, Shayla, Afura, Miz, Fujisawa and Princess Rune had all been invited to witness the grand opening of Fatora's birthday presents, and were now watching Fatora and Alielle squabbling over which one to open next. "I like the look of this one!" Fatora exclaimed, holding one up. "Ah," smiled Miz. "From the Priestesses of Muldoon." "Hmm... frowned Alielle, examining the package's shape. "It's big, it's long, and it's pointy..." "Ooh, I know!" Fatora grinned. "Is it a..." "No, it isn't!" Afura quickly interrupted. "Well, never mind," Fatora said. "I've got more than enough of them anyway. Now, let's see..." She tore away the layers of wrapping paper expectantly, to reveal a tall, ancient looking artifact. "Oh," said Fatora. "It's a... thing." "It's a Muldoon icon," Miz corrected. "They date back to the temple's establishment. There are only four in existence." "What does it do?" asked a skeptical Fatora. "Um... do?" Miz smiled nervously. "It doesn't exactly..." "I thought it might at least play a tune or something. Oh well, you can never have too much crap." She tossed it aside. Makoto caught it. As it touched his hands, the icon started to emit a strong pink light. "Amazing!" Shayla gasped, moving in to get a closer look. "The icons must have had hidden properties all this time," Afura theorised. "Oh, here we go again," Fatora sighed as everyone crowded around Makoto and stared in wonder at the light. She permitted this for a few seconds, then got up and snatched the icon away from Makoto. "Don't steal the limelight, techno-boy. It's my birthday." Makoto did his best to object. "But I..." "You can have it back later," Fatora assured him. "After I've opened all my presents. Alielle, are there any more?" "You bet!" beamed Alielle. "Princess Rune and I have each got you something very special." Alielle signaled to Londs, who was standing in the corner. "Bring in the present," Londs called to an unseen person in the corridor outside. A few seconds later, three servants wheeled in a huge object covered with a sheet. "This is from me," Alielle giggled. "I had it commissioned especially for you, my precious." "What is it?" Fatora asked, intrigued. The servants pulled the sheet away to reveal a large statue. It was Fatora, naked, surrounded by three equally naked women. Princess Rune gulped. "Oh, my goodness," she said, quickly looking away. "I love it!" Fatora declared, hugging Alielle. "Well," pondered Makoto, "it's very..." "Artistic is the word you're looking for," smiled Fatora. "Alielle, did you design this?" Alielle nodded happily. "If you'll look closely, you'll see that one of the other figures is me." Fujisawa put his hand over Makoto's eyes. "Sorry Makoto. You shouldn't be looking at things like this." Miz then covered Fujisawa's eyes. "Neither should you, Masamichi," she scolded. "You're a married man!" "So Alielle," Afura smiled knowingly, "who are the other two figures?" Alielle looked around furtively. "Oh... nobody in particular..." "Hey!" frowned Nanami. "That one looks like me!" "And that one looks like me!" exclaimed Shayla angrily. "Coincidence!" Alielle lied. "Damn it, Fatora," Shayla complained, "this must violate some sort of privacy law." "You think?" asked Fatora, concerned. "I can't have that. Alielle, remind me to amend Roshtaria's privacy laws later on." Londs coughed politely. "Maybe this would be a good time for Princess Rune Venus to give her present." "Well, er, yes..." said Rune nervously. "But first, do you think you could..." Fatora sighed. "Yeah, okay. Could somebody cover the statue up?" She leaned in to Alielle. "You wouldn't believe she's six years older than me, would you? Hey, sis! It's okay, you can look now." Rune quickly regained her composure. "Very well," she said, walking to the doorway. "You may enter," she said to somebody in the corridor. A middle aged man entered the room. Fatora sighed again. "My present is... some old guy? Look, big sis, I know you try your best, but I don't think you understand my tastes at all. You see, I only like..." "Fatora," said Rune, "this gentleman is in charge of the Royal Bio-Armour Breeding Facility. He's the man responsible for breeding the royal family's feline protectors." "Oh, I see," Fatora frowned. "A purveyor of defective merchandise. Have you brought him here so I can kick his ass?" "Your majesty, if I may," the man smiled nervously, "I realise there were some difficulties with your last protector. The company deeply regrets any inconvenience caused..." "Inconvenience?" snapped Fatora, indignant. "Well, yes, now that I think about it, I was ever so slightly inconvenienced when I was kidnapped by the Phantom Tribe and subjected to a week and a half of unimaginable pain and torture, yeah, I think 'inconvenience' was definitely the word on my mind when they were HURTING ME WITH POINTY THINGS! And all because your stupid cat couldn't bothered to do its job. I expect to be protected!" "Well, your majesty," the man said, fearing for his life, "that is the very reason your royal sister contacted me. She asked for our best ever protector, as a gift for you." "Yes, Fatora," Rune agreed. "Meet your new protector, Ibon." A sleek, dark grey cat entered the room and trotted over to Fatora. "Yay!" squealed Alielle "Kitty!" She dived on the floor and began to play with the cat. "That skinny little thing?" asked an indignant Fatora. "Its appearance is deceptive," the man continued. "Ibon is by far the greatest protector we have ever bred. He can still inflate to cushion against impact, but his lighter build makes him much faster than our average cat. He is also highly intelligent, and extremely dedicated to his work." Alielle stood up and pulled Fatora's arm. "Can we keep him?" "I don't know," frowned Fatora. "He'd better be a damn sight better than Ura." "Oh, please," Alielle pleaded. "Look at him, he's so cute!" "I'll give him a try," Fatora conceded. "Hey, cat. Come on, protect me." Ibon stared at Fatora. Fatora stared back. "Well," she said, giving Alielle an 'I told you so' look, "this is a promising start." Ibon stood up and looked quizzically at Fatora. Then, in a deep, English accent, he said, "Aren't you even going to say hello?" Fatora jumped with fright into the arms of Alielle, who immediately collapsed under the weight. "It... spoke!" said a distressed Fatora, wondering why nobody else seemed to be particularly bothered. "All protectors speak," Afura reminded Fatora. "You should know that by now." "Yeah, but it spoke properly!" "Your majesty," the smiled, "Ibon's extensive vocabulary is an indication of his high intelligence. As I pointed out, he is the best protector we have ever bred." "Quiet, you," said Fatora, who was starting to get irritated by the cat breeding man. "Princess," the cat said, walking over to her and sitting down by her leg, "your previous protector failed, and the consequences were catastrophic. She was not a professional. I, however, pledge to protect you with my very life, twenty-four hours a day, until such a time as I am blown apart shielding your precious majesty from the vile bullet of an assassin." All occupants of the room stared at Ibon with the same slightly disturbed expression. Apart from Fatora. "Now that's the kind of dedication I expect," Fatora grinned, picking Ibon up. "Welcome to the team!" Ibon ran, almost undetected, through the narrower passageways of the royal gardens. He had quickly abandoned attempts to engage passers by in polite conversation, as he had discovered that they, rather patronisingly in his opinion, had difficulty with the concept of discussing the key issues of the day with a cat. It was all very well being intelligent and articulate, but Ibon was frustrated by the unwillingness of the humans around him to engage these traits. The princess was different, though. How fortunate he had been to be given a mistress like Fatora. Not only was she one of the most senior members of the royal family, but here was a person who recognised his true talents, the ones he had spent years perfecting. Yes, he could see that protecting Fatora was going to be a rewarding experience. Ibon finally spotted somebody the same size as him heading towards him. A small, white cat stopped in his path. "Good day to you," Ibon greeted. "I am Ibon, the new protector to her majesty Princess Fatora. And you are?" "Anya!" the other cat replied. "Of course," Ibon nodded. "You are the protector of Princess Rune Venus. A more prestigious assignment is unimaginable." "Hm," said the other cat. Ibon wasn't quite sure what 'hm' meant, but he smiled politely and went on his way. It wasn't long before he encountered a second feline. "Hi!" the large orange cat greeted cheerfully. "I Ura!" "Yes," said Ibon dismissively. "I know. I am your replacement." "Ha!" Ura laughed. "Fatora bad." "I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Ibon scowled, trying to disguise his disgust at this outrageous lack of respect. "Tell me, Ura, since your contract with the princess was terminated, who have you been protecting?" "Makoto!" Ura proudly proclaimed. "Ah, Mizuhara," said Ibon, apparently impressed. "A man whose talent and bravery saved us all. A great man indeed. But," he frowned, "also a man without a single royal particle in his body. For a cat trained to protect our royal family to be reduced to protecting a mere commoner... well, I can think of no greater humiliation." Ura appeared to be speechless. No matter, Ibon thought, she probably wouldn't have anything constructive to say anyway. "Well, if you'll excuse me," Ibon smiled, "I must report to my mistress, now that I have taken my daily exercise and checked the palace grounds for suspicious characters. I wouldn't want her to be kidnapped in my absence, no, that would be unthinkable." Ibon trotted away, leaving Ura feeling very small indeed. "Hey, kitty!" Ibon heard as he entered the palace. Looking back, he saw Alielle running after him, waving. "Hi, kitty!" she said, picking him up. "Do you know who I am?" Yes, he thought, you're that girl who follows the princess around. "Hello, Alielle," Ibon said politely. "Do you wanna play, kitty?" Alielle laughed as spun around with him held aloft. "Thankyou, but no," he replied. "I have already exercised. Any further exertion may decrease my readiness and ability to assist the princess. However, if you wish to be of assistance, there is something you could help me with." Alone in the palace library, Fatora took a few steps back and scanned the bookshelf. Ah, which one to read next? Fatora was often to be found here, in this new section of the library, in fact it was she who had overseen its construction. Aha, thought Fatora, here's one I haven't read. She pulled the book out and studied its cover. Hopefully, this one would prove to be as intellectually stimulating as the last few. "Good afternoon, princess," said a voice from below her. There was Ibon, standing at her feet. "Hi, cat." "Brushing up on some of the classics, your majesty?" Ibon asked. "Um, yeah," said Fatora, doing her best to discreetly obscure the sign that read 'pornographic literature'. "Hey, have you seen Alielle?" "Indeed," he replied, "she should be along presently." Alielle stumbled into the library, trying not to drop the tall stack of papers she was carrying. "What's all that stuff?" Fatora asked. "Risk assessment forms," Ibon casually answered. "The data you provide will better enable me to ensure your safety." "Do I have to?" Fatora moaned. "Please complete everything in triplicate. I will return to collect the forms in, say, five hours?" Ibon took another look at the mound of paper. "Actually, I'd better make that ten." This was extremely undignified, Fatora thought. A princess of her standing, having to fill out her own legal documents. Surely this was the kind of thing she paid servants to do. How the hell was she supposed to complete such a complicated series of forms just from memory? 'Your Name', the first line read. Not as simple an inquiry as it looked. How many of her names was she supposed to include? As per royal tradition, Fatora had a lot of them- four surnames, and sixteen middle names. Or was it seventeen? Eventually, she just wrote 'FATORA'. 'Age', the next line read. She wrote 'EIGHTEEN'. 'Occupation'. She wrote 'PRINCESS'. Then, after some thought, added 'INSPIRATION TO THE LOWER CLASSES'. 'Name of Spouse/Betrothed/Same-sex Partner'. She wrote 'ALIELLE'. The next line said 'Next of Kin'. This worried Fatora. Next of kin? What was he expecting to happen to her? And who was her next of kin, anyway? Probably Rune, she decided. But in the end, she wrote 'ALIELLE' again, smiling as she imagined the constitutional crisis this could cause in the event of her death. 'Anybody else who should be contacted following an accident'. She wrote 'A DOCTOR'. This wasn't actually as difficult as she'd anticipated. She turned the page. 'Describe in detail the most recent event during which your life was in immediate danger. Use diagrams where appropriate. Attach extra sheets if necessary'. Fatora groaned. "I have to get up now, Miss Fatora." "No, you don't." Fatora, eyes closed, held on to Alielle's left arm. She had been up until the early hours filling in Ibon's risk assessment forms, and was absolutely exhausted. "Come on, just sleep in for a while." "Fatora," Alielle objected gently, "I need to get up, I have things to do." "What things?" Fatora asked, feebly trying to pull Alielle back. "Screw them. I declare today a public holiday. Now get back into bed." "Well," grinned Alielle, "you might be able to convince me. On one condition..." "What do you mean?" Fatora said, her eyes still shut. The next thing she knew, Alielle had jumped on top of her. She opened her eyes, and found herself unable to push her off. "Alielle, don't you ever get tired? I'm trying to... aw, I suppose there isn't any point telling you to stop..." Ibon pricked his ears up with curiosity as he passed Fatora's room. He could hear somebody, probably Alielle, giggling repeatedly. The situation, he considered, warranted further investigation. "Good heavens. What ARE you doing?" he exclaimed with some incredulity. Alielle and Fatora screamed in unison upon hearing the voice. Alielle dived back under the sheets, while Fatora turned in fury to confront Ibon. "What in God's name did it LOOK like?" she exploded. Ibon shook his head. "You should lock the door, majesty. Besides, I do not understand your anger. I am merely a cat." "You're a MALE cat!" she reminded him. "I don't like the idea of males- of ANY species- spying on my recreational activities. It's perverted!" "Do try not to overreact," he said dismissively. "Anyway, princess, I need to speak with you concerning your risk assessment." "Now?" "Why not?" he continued. "Now, in the section asking how many Ultimate Weapons you have encountered in the last year, you crossed out 'one' and put 'five'. Five Ultimate Weapons?" "It's very hard to keep track!" Fatora justified. "Obviously there was the Eye of God, but then I thought, there was Ifurita, then that other Ifurita, then Kalia, then that big flying thing, what was it called?" "The Trigger of Destruction," Alielle recalled. "That's it, yeah. Five. Happy?" "Your majesty," Ibon said, surprised, "for any one person to survive that many dangerous encounters without protection, especially one as physically weak as yourself, is quite remarkable." "Physically weak?" Fatora was now highly indignant. "Shut up!" Alielle nodded. "Miss Fatora is very strong. In fact, she has more stamina than any other woman I've encountered." "Which reminds me," Ibon said casually. "For the purposes of my records, do any of your sexual practices carry with them a risk of serious injury?" Two seconds later, Ibon was making a hasty exit from the bedroom, accompanied by a flying shoe. Preparation, Fatora considered, was absolutely key to the success of this mission. Her long hair pinned up, she carefully pulled the hat down over it. She had tried this once before, and it had failed. Yes, Nanami was incredibly perceptive, so much so that only the most perfect Makoto impersonation would fool her. She examined her reflection in the bedroom mirror. "Alielle, do I look masculine enough yet?" Alielle frowned. "You don't want to overdo the masculinity. This is Makoto." "Yeah," Fatora nodded. "I must remember that. Is my hat straight?" "No." "Excellent," she smiled. "It's details like that which really count. Now, the voice. Tell me what you think." "Go on," Alielle prompted, sitting down. Fatora cleared her throat and tried to deepen her voice. "My name is Makoto Mizuhara." Alielle shook her head. "That's not it. Too deep. Hey, maybe you should try speaking higher up than usual." "You think? Okay... my name is Makoto Mizuhara." Alielle jumped up. "That's it! Keep going!" "Sensei, what's going on?" Fatora continued in her mock-Makoto voice. "I don't understand it! Uh... what else does he say? Oh yeah... Aaah! I'm gonna die!" "Perfect!" Alielle enthused. "Quick, let's find Nanami before you lose it!" The two girls ran out of the bedroom, and down the corridor, laughing. "Oh, Fatora," Alielle said, "remember it's nome, not gome." Alielle hid behind a pillar as Fatora made her Makotoesque way over to Nanami. "Oh, hi Nanami," she said in the perfect Makoto voice, wearing the perfect vacant Makoto expression. "Hi Fatora," said Nanami casually. "WHAT?" Fatora cried in anger. "How dare you see through my perfect disguise! What are you, a telepath? How did you tell? Come on, how?" "It's obvious," Nanami sighed. "Your cat is standing behind you." Fatora spun around, and just managed to resist the temptation to drop kick Ibon out of the nearest window. "What the hell are you doing here? You blew my cover, you stupid..." "Pardon me, majesty," said Ibon nonchalantly, "but it is my duty to ensure your safety, particularly during confrontations with the lower classes." "How am I gonna get any sex with all of your protection though, huh?" "Princess," the cat sighed, " I am simply doing what I was bred to do, and doing it with great efficiency. Why do you object?" Fatora swallowed her anger, or at least some of it, and knelt down next to Ibon. "Cat," she said through gritted teeth, "you and I are going to have a little talk." Half an hour later, Fatora was poised for a second strike, this time on Shayla-Shayla. With her hair hidden, and a light application of makeup to darken her skin, the disguise was flawless. And this time, Ibon wouldn't screw it up. He still insisted on following Fatora, but she had persuaded him to stay out of sight, unless she was in danger. She hadn't expected him to be quite this overprotective. Catching sight of Shayla, Fatora quickly crossed the garden. Shayla looked up. "Oh," she smiled, taken by surprise. "Hi, Makoto." Inside, Fatora broke into triumphant laughter. It was working! Now, for the legendary Fatora powers of seduction to swing into action. Ah, how she had waited for this moment... "Miss Shayla," Fatora began, "I have to say, you're looking..." Fatora was cut short by a grey flash which appeared between her body and Shayla's. Fatora looked down to see Ibon wrapped around her, growling at Shayla. "Ibon?" Shayla asked, confused. "What are you doing here?" Ibon looked back at Shayla with an expression of utter fury. "Depart from this place, vile woman!" he yelled. Fatora was about to start screaming at Ibon, but then she sensed something. Shayla still hadn't twigged that she wasn't Makoto. Perhaps the situation could still be salvaged. "Go away, cat!" she urged. "Never!" Ibon maintained. "Not while my princess is in mortal danger. Your risk assessment indicated that this woman has tried to kill you on two separate occasions. I cannot allow you to approach such a dangerous character while unprotected." "Nice try, Fatora," Shayla frowned. "But you really don't know how to imitate Makoto. Anybody could've seen through that lame attempt." "Liar!" Fatora replied." Admit it, I had you convinced! I'd have got you into bed, too, if it wasn't for..." They both looked at Ibon. Shayla was smiling. Fatora wasn't. Ibon wisely jumped away from Fatora and streaked off into the bushes. "That stupid animal!" Fatora slammed her glass down, shaking the small wooden table. A few minutes earlier she had stormed into Nanami's restaurant, scaring away most of the customers, and found Makoto and Afura, to whom she was now relating the tale of her new protector. "I don't ask for much. All I ever wanted was to be remembered as the greatest master of seduction in all of history. With that dumb cat interfering every five minutes, I'll be lucky if I ever get to sleep with any woman ever again." Nanami threw Fatora a glance as she passed the table. "If you ask me, you're getting exactly what you deserve," she said. "You stay out of this!" Fatora snarled back. "If it wasn't for Ibon, I'd have converted you by now, so don't start. Oh, and while you're up, get me more non-alcoholic wine!" "I think Nanami has a point," Afura nodded thoughtfully. "Your new cat's everything you asked for. It's dedicated, respectful..." "It's messing up my life, and it's doing it on purpose!" she insisted. "Oh, come on, Fatora," Afura sighed. "Why would a cat intentionally mess up your life?" "Who can tell?" she replied. "Who can know what goes on inside a cat's head?" "Sounds to me like you're missing Ura," Makoto chipped in. "Oh, here we go. I wondered how long it'd be before somebody brought this one up. Well, forget it. Ibon might be bad, but at least I can sleep safely in my bed without fear of being abducted by every passing kidnapper." "Of course," Afura smiled, " sleeping is just about all you'll get to do in your bed with Ibon protecting you." "I think you might have underestimated Ura," Makoto agreed. "I checked her records from the breeding facility. When they assessed her, she scored ninety per cent. One of the best." "Doesn't a princess deserve better than ninety per cent protection?" said Fatora, unimpressed. "That's ten per cent of the time when I'm completely vulnerable. You can keep Ura." Alielle lay on a bench in the garden, watching the clouds above her head, and the busy people scurrying in and out of the palace. She was a servant, at least according to her job description and trade union membership, but Fatora saw to it that she never had to do very much in the way of work. So for most of the time that Fatora wasn't around, Alielle had very little to do except watch the girls go by. Hearing somebody muttering below her, Alielle peeped over the edge of the seat and saw Ibon walking past. "Hi kitty!" she greeted cheerfully. "What's wrong?" "Look around you," he said mournfully. "People are innocently going about their business. Everyone is content, the air is calm and still." "It's a beautiful day," Alielle nodded. "Precisely my problem," Ibon continued. "I am not just any guardian. I am the greatest, most skillful protector ever produced by the Royal Bio-Armour Breeding Facility. And in my time here, have I encountered a single shred of danger? No! Despite the princess having been assaulted, kidnapped, shot at and threatened with various Ultimate Weapons, all within the past year, not once have I been called upon to save her life!" "That's good, isn't it?" Alielle blinked. "Good?" Ibon exploded. "I'm going insane with boredom! I've been trained to deal with anything, from poison darts to surface to air missiles! I was expecting this assignment to be just a little hazardous. Instead, I just have to sit here, my talents slowly going to waste. No wonder Ura got so fat." "I think you're missing the point, kitty," Alielle advised. "Protection isn't about action, it's about..." "Don't lecture me on protection, servant girl!" Ibon hissed. "I have spent my life studying it. I would hardly expect you to understand!" Furious, Ibon marched away. Confused, not to mention a little annoyed that she had just allowed herself to be insulted by a cat, Alielle found herself questioning Ibon's sanity. Weeks passed. Ibon seemed to have grudgingly adjusted to the complete lack of danger within the palace walls, and his presence had become more low-key, although Fatora's seduction routine was still suffering, much to her annoyance. Alielle had also taken a dislike to Ibon, due to his abrasive, condescending nature, which was somehow far less endearing than Fatora's abrasive, condescending nature. The couple lay in bed. Alielle was fast asleep, but tonight, Fatora couldn't seem to get to sleep. Something seemed out of place. The familiar surroundings had taken on a strange, almost sinister quality. Through the near-blackness, she fixed her gaze on a black object at the far end of the bedroom. She couldn't make out any details, but neither could she recall what the object was. A paralysing burst of fear accompanied the realisation that the object was moving towards her. It was a man. As he stepped into a shaft of light from the window, she could see that he was holding out some kind of weapon. A sudden movement would probably have been the best course of action, but in her terrorised state, the closest thing to a muscular spasm that Fatora could manage was to shut her eyes. She heard the weapon fire. At that moment, she was convinced she was about to die. When it became evident that she was still alive, it dawned on her that her would-be assassin had missed. Now she had a chance to escape. With all her strength, she rolled over to her right, taking Alielle with her, causing them both to fall out of the bed in a tangle of sheets. "Miss Fatora? What's happening?" asked Alielle drowsily. She froze as her eyes brought the interloper into focus. He aimed his weapon again. Alielle panicked and clung to Fatora. "Oh, Fatora! Save me!" "Well," Fatora started, "I'd like to, but I..." A bolt of darkness sprang from nowhere in particular, and struck the man in the back. He fell, and hit his head on a dressing table. Fatora and Alielle looked in horror at the fallen assassin, and saw Ibon sitting proudly on his back. "Your majesty," he calmly acknowledged. "Ibon!" Fatora gasped. "Who's that guy? Why did he just try to kill me?" Ibon looked around him, then came closer to Fatora. "Princess, I am not certain, but it appears the palace's security has been breached." "Well noticed, genius," said Fatora, impatient. Ibon continued. "This man bears the insignia of the Revolutionary Front. They are an underground organisation dedicated to removing the royal family from power and establishing a Roshtarian republic." "A revolution?" Fatora was incredulous. "Impossible! I have those fools eating out of the palm of my hand." "The Front represents a minority viewpoint," Ibon explained, "but they appear to be somewhat more powerful than we had anticipated." "Ibon," Fatora commanded, "you have to go and warn my sister." "No," he said, shaking his head. "She has Anya to protect her, and I cannot risk leaving you here alone. It is very likely that there are more members of the Front within the palace." "So what do I do?" she whispered. "You must flee, princess," he responded dramatically. "I will arrange for you to be transported a safe distance from the capital." "Okay," Fatora conceded. "Alielle, get dressed. We're leaving." Ibon hissed in frustration. "The servant will only slow us down." "She's coming with us," Fatora insisted. "You said it yourself, it's too dangerous to stay here." "Anyway," Alielle added, "if I don't come, who's going to carry Fatora's spare set of clothes?" Soon the three were on a transport, skimming across the wet grass and through the tall shadowy trees of the forest that bordered on Florestica. Fatora had Ibon wrapped around her body in the customary defensive mode, and Alielle wrapped around her waist almost as tightly. The transport had been a convenient discovery upon leaving the palace. It had been waiting for somebody else, but Ibon had persuaded the driver to take them instead. Fatora had felt a little silly, allowing a talking cat to conduct negotiations on her behalf, but she wasn't in much of a position to argue, and Ibon had just saved her life... Two figures crept through the darkness. One was clearly human, the other was so large and bulky that creeping, or indeed any stealthy manoeuvres on its part, would only be of limited use. There was a time in the history of the Bugrom when an excursion into enemy territory would have been a simple matter. But today, they were reduced to precisely six warriors, one queen, and one very enthusiastic messenger from God. Jinnai and Groucho ducked behind some foliage and waited. Two days ago, the Bugrom had received a mysterious tip-off. The details had been sketchy, only stating that they should come here and wait. "This will be far enough," Ibon shouted to the driver. The transport began to slow down. Fatora looked around her. There were dense trees in every direction. "We're stopping here?" she asked, concerned. "This is the middle of nowhere." The transport juddered to a halt. The driver slowly stood up. "Thankyou," Ibon said politely. "And how much will that be?" The driver spun around, and lunged at Fatora, screaming "Long live the revolution!" He swung an iron bar at Fatora's chest. Ibon shielded the impact with ease. Alielle managed to scramble out of the transport, but Fatora found herself cornered by the insane driver. To her surprise, Ibon leapt away from her body, and landed on the driver's face. If she hadn't been so scared, Fatora probably would have laughed at the sight of the man staggering around the transport, trying desperately to remove the vicious cat from his head. The driver swung his iron bar at Ibon, who deftly jumped away at the critical moment. The driver proceeded to knock himself out with his own weapon. Fatora collapsed into the driver's seat, breathless. Two assassination attempts in one night? That was bad luck by anybody's standards. The only one having fun here seemed to be Ibon. "I want to go back to Florestica," she demanded. "You can't," Ibon insisted. "It's too dangerous." "Well, it's dangerous out here too. I don't want to stay in this creepy forest any longer than necessary." She studied the controls of the transport. They meant nothing to her, of course. She couldn't drive- there was never any need. But Alielle... she knew how to drive. She had learnt in Fatora's private fleet of transports, and was pretty impressive for her age, even if she did tend to lose her nerve when reversing. "Alielle," Fatora called, "can you drive this thing?" "Is it an automatic?" she called back. "I... don't think so." "Sorry, Miss Fatora. I can only drive automatics." "Excuse me," Ibon interrupted. "We can still walk back to Florestica if you wish. I know the way." "On foot?" Fatora sighed. "It must be miles." "Eight point four," came the reply. "But I know the quickest route. Follow me." Ibon strutted off into the distance. Fatora and Alielle had little choice but to follow. "Fatora," Alielle whispered as they trudged through the forest, "does this situation seem a little strange to you?" "Well," she considered, "nobody's ever tried to assassinate me before. At least, not for any political reasons." "I mean, isn't it strange that an assassin fired at you at point blank range, then missed? Isn't it odd that you've been attacked by two members of a movement neither of us has ever heard of? And what about..." "Oh, do be quiet!" Ibon demanded, looking over his shoulder. "Well I think Alielle has a point," Fatora said defiantly. "I agree, it is unusual that..." She trailed off as she heard somebody laughing nearby. It was a familiar laugh, one that wasn't easy to forget... Six Bugrom appeared from strategic points in the dense forest, and surrounded the trio. One of the Bugs had Jinnai on its back. "Groucho!" Jinnai called triumphantly. "Move forward! We're gonna bag us a princess!" Fatora turned and fled, only to collide with another Bug, Margaret. The Bug held on to Fatora as Jinnai and Grouch moved closer. "What did I tell you?" Jinnai gloated to his followers. "I knew acting on that suspicious, anonymous tip-off was a good idea! The rebirth of the Bugrom Empire begins here!" Alielle noticed that Ibon was nowhere to be seen. Before she could say anything, a familiar grey streak shot down from the trees, landing on Margaret's shoulder. Taken completely by surprise, the Bug released Fatora and set about the urgent task of trying to remove the crazed cat. As Fatora and Alielle made a discreet getaway, Jinnai desperately ordered the other Bugs to help their comrade get rid of Ibon. A few seconds later, they were piled on top of Margaret, achieving very little, as Ibon slipped away in the confusion. By the time they had realised what had happened, the three prisoners were long gone. "Idiots!" Jinnai screamed. "I'm trying to rebuild an empire! How dare you go and ruin it by being outsmarted by a household pet!" Groucho murmured something in response. "No, no, you're right," said Jinnai, calming down. "I don't think we should tell Diva about this either." Fatora and Alielle stumbled desperately onwards. They were completely exhausted, but fear prevented them from slowing down. Ibon, on the other hand, was running along quite contentedly. "My," he said cheerfully. "What an adventure we're having." Fatora decided to ignore him for the time being, as she could see what looked like a clearing up ahead. As they got closer, however, it became obvious that it wasn't a clearing after all. They were on the edge of a precipice. "We can't go any further," Alielle panted, taking a welcome opportunity to stop and sit down. Fatora remained silent. Her mind was on other things. "How could that freak Jinnai have known we were going to be there? We arrived there by pure chance," she observed. Alielle was right. There was something very unlikely about the chain of events that had led them to being here. Ibon didn't appear to be the slightest bit concerned. He was more interested in going over again and again the way in which he had expertly defeated first the assassin, then the driver, then the Bugrom. "What an experience," he kept repeating. "Never have my abilities been tested to such a degree." "You can shut up," snapped Fatora. "Some protector you are. Every place you've led us to has been more dangerous than the last. If I didn't know better I'd say you were intentionally trying to get me killed. You definitely seem to be having fun with..." A disturbing thought entered Fatora's head. "Ibon, do the Revolutionary Front really exist?" "You have encountered two of their kind tonight. I cannot see how you could doubt..." "Damn it, Ibon, lying is not your strong point! I always suspected there was something creepy about you, and tonight confirms it. The only way all of this stuff could have happened the way it did is if you set the whole thing up!" Ibon went quiet. Fatora and Alielle looked at Ibon in amazement. Could it be true? "Well, I suppose it was inevitable that you'd work it out eventually," he said, sounding a little hurt. "But princess, throughout it all, there was never any question of you coming to harm. You saw it yourself. I protected you with maximum efficiency." Alielle cautiously stepped away from the cat. "So... you set up the assassination attempts? Tipped off the Bugrom?" "Why?" Fatora questioned. "Why put in danger the very person you're meant to protect?" "Because," he said defiantly, "without danger, there can be no protection. I live for protection. Without it, my existence is meaningless." "You're crazy!" screamed Fatora. "You put us all in mortal danger because of some stupid philosophy?" "I live for danger!" he objected. "You want danger?" Fatora picked up Ibon and held him over the cliff edge. "I'll show you danger!" "Freeze!" said a male voice. Fatora, Alielle and Ibon looked over to the trees. A blue skinned man stepped out, holding a vicious looking weapon. "The Phantom Tribe..." Alielle whimpered. "Ah," said Ibon nervously. "Now here is something I hadn't bargained for." "This land has been claimed by the Phantom Tribe. You will die," the man said, with a total lack of emotion. Ibon lurched forward and charged at the man, who instantly disappeared. Alielle and Fatora winced as Ibon missed his target completely, and hit a tree with an agonising crunch. The man reappeared directly in front of Fatora. Shocked, she instinctively grabbed his shoulders and headbutted him. It was surprisingly effective. The man staggered backwards towards the edge of the cliff. Seeing her opportunity, Fatora barged into him. He began to lose his footing, and desperately grabbed at the air to save himself. He caught Alielle's sleeve. The two of them toppled over the edge. "No!" cried Fatora, running to the edge and preparing for the unthinkable. Ten feet below, Alielle clung desperately on to a tiny outcropping. "Fatora! Help me, I can't hold on!" she called weakly. "I can't reach!" Fatora replied. "Ibon! Get over here! Hey, Ibon! Come on!" There was no response. Where was he? Surely he couldn't have been seriously hurt when he hit the tree? Protectors were virtually indestructible. Then Fatora heard Ibon's voice. "I... failed. He out-manoeuvred me." "Ibon, shut up and get your butt over here. Alielle needs your help!" "I am not worthy of my position. I was unable to beat him..." "Nobody's perfect, you stupid cat! Now is not the time for a psychological crisis! Get over here now or I'll turn you into a hat!" Hearing Alielle scream, Fatora raced back to the cliff edge. "Fatora!" she cried. "I'm slipping! I can't..." Her fingers skidded along the rock. She fell. Something orange shot through the trees and over the cliff at an incredible speed. Just seconds later, Alielle appeared again, pulled up to safety and deposited next to Fatora by a fat orange feline. "Ura?" Fatora gasped. A wave of relief passed through her body, followed by the uncomfortable realisation that she would now have to show gratitude to Ura. Three more figures stepped through the trees. It was Shayla, Afura and Miz. "What happened?" Fatora asked them. "How did you know I was here?" "One of the guards found a man unconscious in your bedroom," Miz explained. "Then somebody saw you leaving in a transport. Ura picked up your scent and led us here. What were you doing?" "My stupid cat nearly got us killed orchestrating some dumb fake adventure to fulfill his need for danger. I've had it with these protector things. I'm suing the company." Her speech trailed away as she saw Alielle hugging the triumphant Ura. "Oh, Ura," Fatora offered feebly, "I'm not sure how to say this, but, um, thanks for saving Alielle. And I, er, suppose I may have been a little hard on you in the past... although let me remind you, my anger was entirely justified, but I suppose, uh..." "Fatora say sorry!" grinned Ura. "Absolutely not!" Fatora replied, affronted. "Sorry is not a word befitting of a princess. Don't push your luck. However... in recognition of your good work, and seeing as Ibon turned out to be mentally unstable, I am prepared to allow you to protect me once again. At least until something better comes along." Ura considered the offer for a moment, then responded- "Ura not like Fatora. Ura like Makoto!" She then decisively turned her back on Fatora. Fatora was insulted and didn't disguise it. "Screw you then, you dumb animal! If that's your attitude, beat it! Go back to protecting that nobody Makoto!" Alielle caught sight of Ibon, looking confused and depressed. "Miss Fatora," she asked, tugging at Fatora's sleeve, "what are you going to do with Ibon?" "Good question," she responded. "Right now I'd quite like to fire him into the centre of the sun... but I wouldn't want people to get the idea that I abused animals." "That would be terrible," Alielle agreed. "Besides," Fatora continued, "he's still a highly trained protector. And I think we might just give him another chance. Ibon, I have a new assignment for you." Ibon looked up hopefully. One month later, in the neighbouring kingdom of Dorusland, the birthday celebrations of Prince Fran were in full swing. "A package arrived for you today, your majesty," said Fran's servant, handing a large box with airholes to the prince. "From Princess Fatora of Roshtaria." "Fatora?" Fran shuddered, recalling his last encounter with her. Why would Fatora, of all people, send him a birthday present? "I understand," the servant added, "that you once almost married the princess." "Yes, well, I went off her," Fran lied. "Too ugly. Anyway, what could this be?" Fran opened the box, and saw a thin, dark grey cat staring back at him. "Greetings," the cat said. "I am Ibon, the greatest protector ever produced by the Royal Bio-Armour Breeding Facility. Princess Fatora considers you to be the most worthy recipient of my... talents." "Well," said Fran, both surprised and delighted with his new guardian, "isn't that nice?" THE END Fatora's moral of the story: "Being a princess means never having to say you're sorry." Believe it or not, these characters aren't mine. No indeed, they're property of AIC/Pioneer. Mind you, this fanfic and the events within it are property of Dookychan, Biographer to the Princess... NOTES: And so another tale draws to a close. Once again, a Japanese punk pop scream goes to all the people who helped, inspired or otherwise facilitated the production of this fanfic. An especially loud "oy oy!" to the members of the EHFC mailing list. Chapter Four is already under production, a wee bit sinister (at least by my cheerful standards). In the near future, Fatora and Alielle face the Phantom Tribe, Fatora's rival princess, and other perils I seem to have forgotten about. As it's almost Christmas here, Dookychan and the Dooky clan wish you a happy Christmas, even if you're reading this in the middle of the summer. =Dookychan= (spookydooky@hotmail.com) 23rd December 2000
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