Yes, Soi hates Yui and even if she didn't, they're straight. But
who's to say it could never happen? After all, isn't fanfiction about
exploring beyond the series, wondering what might have been?
Anyway, this story is more of a behind-the-scenes look than an
alternate universe. Actually, it sort of blends the 2 of them as an
artist would blend watercolors or acrylics. I hope I did a good paint
job here. ^_^;
~
Another day, another ugly confrontation. More blood, more
screaming, more taunting, more insults. More hatred. Such was the life
of Suzaku and Seiryuu Seishi alike. The Seiryuu Seishi had lost Suboshi 3
days ago, and shortly before that, Tomo. The Suzaku Seishi had lost
Nuriko when Ashitare attacked them on Mt. Black, and Chiriko in a fight
against Miboshi. Miboshi had subsequently died, and Ashitare, who was
found alive after missing for a week, had been put to death by Nakago.
Yet the war still raged on. This time, Nakago had threatened Miaka
while Tasuki had tried to burn Yui to a crisp. And of course,Tamahome
risked life and limb to protect his love.
'It isn't fair,' Yui thought, as she often did. But this time
it wasn't because she felt Tamahome should've chosen her. As of late,
Yui didn't care about Tamahome and Miaka anymore. She'd fallen for
someone else. Someone who hated her and cursed her very existence.
"Again, I stress. Why does everything good happen to Miaka? She
has love, she's safe, and she has people to care about her. Here I am,
being used and abused by everyone. And it doesn't matter if I don't
want to hurt Miaka anymore. I'm branded with the scarlet letter. I'm
just 'the bitch', this selfish, snobby little girl who betrayed her
best friend just because she was jealous. I'll never live it down. Even
if Miaka forgives me for everything, what's the use?" Yui's eyes stung
with tears.
"No, Yui, you promised you wouldn't cry tonight," she choked,
staring sadly into her mirror, then gently replacing it on her
nightstand.
Maybe a walk would clear her head, she thought as she got up and walked
out of her room.
~
"Gomennasai!!" Yui apologized fearfully. She'd ended up walking
smack into Soi in the hallway and the older girl was not pleased, to
say the least.
"Just watch where you're going, you stupid girl," Soi hissed.
"And I thought your little friend Suzaku no Miko was an idiot."
"I said I was sorry," Yui mumbled against her better judgment,
just barely meeting her eyes to Soi's. 'Even when she's angry and
raving she's beautiful...' she thought, then immediately berated
herself. 'What a stupid thing to think at a time like this. She hates
you, she's screaming at you just for bumping into her...and you're
thinking she's beautiful. Stupid starry-eyed lovesick teenager.'
"You always are. Sorry for being a bitch to everyone, sorry for
being a pest, sorry for stealing MY Nakago-sama away from me-"
"I didn't steal him, Soi, I don't even like him in that way. He
just...chose me," Yui said.
"Sure, after you landed at his feet in all your helpless-girl
glory and told him your sob story of how your 'best friend' abandoned
you for that guy," Soi sneered. "Abandoned? I was abandoned, and it was
worse than your little 'My best friend chose the guy I'M in love with
over me!' traumas!" Yui's eyes stung. Was that all anyone saw her as?
The girl who cried over her best friend and the guy she once loved
being together?
"Do you really think I'm that shallow, Soi?" she whispered.
"I don't care. All I know is, you came falling into
Nakago-sama's life and stole him from me! As if Tomo wasn't bad
enough," Soi muttered, savoring a momentary bit of elation at the fact
that Tomo was dead. "But let me tell you this, Yui." She refused to
call her 'Yui-sama' or 'Lady Yui', miko or not. "He's just using you.
Just like he only used Tomo. He only loves me. So you can just give up
and go back to your world." Yui sighed. She knew Nakago didn't love
her, but he didn't love Soi either. She knew he was only using Soi for
'favors'. But Soi either didn't notice or was in denial.
"He's using us both, Soi," she mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
"Look...I didn't want to say anything because it was none of my
business, but you've been raving about this for the last few days...the
reason Nakago 'acted' like he loved Tomo was because he did. And still
does," Yui said quietly.
"Just what the hell are you trying to say?" Soi's narrowed eyes
flashed with anger.
"I'm saying it's hopeless. You're fighting a no-win battle,
Soi. You can pine away for him night after night or continually seduce
him, but it's hopeless," Yui said. Soi felt like slapping the girl. She
knew something was going on between her and the man she loved, but the
fact that she was rubbing it in like this made Soi angry enough to
kill.
"Look, you don't know him like I do! I know he ACTS like he
wants you, but he loves me. Only me! He's just in denial because that
little man-whore Tomo brainwashed him," she cried, trying to convince
herself this was all true. After all, Nakago had saved her from being
raped so many years ago, taken her under his wing...of course he loved
her! He was just using Yui and Tomo as pleasure toys...'He is!' she
thought. "You just don't understand! He's..." Her resolve broke as she
slammed her fist into the wall. "He doesn't care that I'd throw away my
life for him! Why?! I love him, I'd go to the ends of the universe for
him..."
Yui balled her hands into fists, fingernails digging into her
palms hard enough to draw blood. She couldn't take any more of this. At
least Tamahome had been kind to her, even if he didn't love her. And at
least he hadn't pined away for Miaka loudly every time she was within
hearing distance. Right now, what Tamahome and Miaka had done didn't
hurt half as much as listening to Soi lament over her unrequited love...
'No!' she thought as her sadness suddenly became anger. She wasn't going
to stand here and listen to this anymore. It was going to stop. Now.
"...And all this time, I've been his loyal servant, I've done
so much for him and what's TOMO ever done?! NOTHING except show off
those damned FEATHERS of his! And he's DEAD now, yet Nakago-sama STILL
loves him more than he gives a damn-" Her tirade was cut off as she
felt herself slammed against the wall.
"Shut up! I'm sick to death of this crying and bitching about
'Nakago-sama'! He doesn't love you! He doesn't love me either! He loves
Tomo, regardless of his being dead!" Yui screamed. "Get over it." With
that, she pressed her lips firmly to Soi's.
The world came crashing down around Soi at that moment. Her
mind felt numb, she couldn't think, let alone grasp what the hell just
happened. She hated Yui and told her so on many occasions. Yet here she
was, kissing her. And worse, Soi realized she wasn't completely
repulsed. But as Yui pulled back, the initial shock wore off and Soi
was enraged. What right did this little bitch have to tell her 'Get
over it', then force herself on her? Without a word, she reeled back
and slapped Yui so hard she fell to the ground.
"If you EVER, EVER do that again I WILL destroy you, I don't
care if everyone stones me for killing our so-called miko!" she
screamed. Yui's eyes stung with tears as she silently picked herself up
off the ground.
"I love you, Soi," she choked, then picked her skirts and ran
down the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks.
~
'At least she knows, even if she hates me more than ever now,'
Yui thought as she ran aimlessly into the forest, barely managing to
avoid tripping over the long skirts of her miko robes. She might as
well leave, run back to Miaka and beg for forgiveness. No, even Miaka
wouldn't accept her now. Not after all she'd done. 'I've lost
everything. The guy I liked, my best friend, and now someone I had no
right to fall in love with in the first place. And I don't care about
Tamahome anymore, or if Miaka forgot about me. My life is ruined.'
Exhausted, Yui collapsed to the ground and sobbed into her arms by a
lake, unaware she wasn't alone.
Elsewhere, a young man sat alone by the water, singing softly
to himself.
"If strength is living in conflict
Then I don't care if they call me weak.
Why do people hurt each other?
Even though there's certainly strength in loving...
Even though anyone would be lonely alone..."
Yui looked up as she recognized the familiar voice.
"Amiboshi-kun?"
"Aa...Yui-sama, I didn't hear you come over," Amiboshi said.
Yui sniffled, trying to stop the tears still running down her cheeks.
"Hi...what are you doing here?" she asked.
"Thinking..." Amiboshi sighed, looking up at the sky as dusk
slowly began to fall.
"Missing your brother?" Yui asked quietly.
"To say I miss him is an understatement, Yui-sama. It hurts so
much...he was the only family I had left after our parents died,"
Amiboshi choked, lowering his head so Yui wouldn't see the tears
forming in his eyes.
"I know...you were really important to each other," Yui said,
looking up at the sky. "Looks like rain...with my luck there's gonna be
a storm in 2 seconds. Maybe I'll get hit by lightening," she mumbled.
Concerned, Amiboshi moved over to her and carefully placed his hand on
her shoulder.
"Hey...what's wrong, Yui-sama?"
"Nothing. Just that my life is a mess and it's my own fault,
and if I hadn't met that jerk in the first place none of this would've
happened," Yui sobbed. "I betrayed my best friend and hurt so many
other people just by being Seiryuu no Miko. All because of some stupid
guy! And I don't even care about him anymore, I fell for someone else I
knew was off-limits and now she hates me!"
"She?" Amiboshi blinked. Yui sighed.
"Yes, I'm in love with Soi even though I know she's straight as
an arrow and hates my guts!" she cried.
"I know, forbidden love hurts twice as much as normal love,"
Amiboshi said quietly. "I speak from experience."
"Miaka? Well, you certainly couldn't be blamed. She's so
wonderful...so pure, so kind, so forgiving. She doesn't care if you
stab her in the back, she just wants to know you're all right," Yui
said. "I never deserved her..."
"Not just Miaka," Amiboshi mumbled. It was Yui's turn to blink
now.
"There was...someone else?" Amiboshi blushed uncomfortably.
Should he tell her? He never thought anyone would actually ask, and
now...
"You promise you won't tell a soul?" he pleaded. Yui nodded.
"Thank you," Amiboshi said. "Okay...there was someone else. A guy," he
said.
"That's not so bad," Yui said. Amiboshi took in a deep breath
and leaned closer to her.
"It was Suboshi," he whispered, barely audibly. Yui's eyes
widened.
"Y...your brother?" Amiboshi nodded, tears dripping down his
cheeks.
"I'm such a freak. What kind of normal person falls in love
with their own twin brother? I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't
stop...i-it wasn't totally romantic, just...much too close for brothers
to be," he sobbed. Yui's heart immediately went out to the boy. Her own
unrequited love felt so...minor compared to this. At least Soi wasn't
her sister. Not that it hurt any less. She found herself taking
Amiboshi into her arms and stroking his hair.
"I never knew...well, I always figured something might've been
going on but I thought it was just my imagination. It must've been
painful for you, going through that every day," she whispered.
"I-I just wish I'd told him how much I loved him before he
died, Yui-sama," Amiboshi cried. Yui wished she knew what to say. All
she could do was hold him, like she'd held Suboshi the time Amiboshi
had been presumed dead.
"I'm sure he knew," she whispered. Amiboshi sighed and looked
up a little.
"I wonder...should I have told him how I really felt?" he
asked. "Should I...?" He sighed, shaking his head. "He'd never have
spoken to me again if he knew. He'd hate me."
"Why?" Yui asked. "He's your brother. You were so close, he
wouldn't let this come between you."
"Exactly. He was my BROTHER, Yui-sama," Amiboshi said. "You
don't tell your twin brother a thing like that. People don't fall for
their siblings! It's just...wrong." He buried his face in her shoulder,
his tears soaking her robes. "Besides...I know he was straight anyway,"
he sobbed.
"How?" Amiboshi looked up again, his face solemn as he looked
into Yui's eyes.
"He loved you, Yui-sama."
"What?!" Yui's eyes widened in shock, and her heart nearly
stopped. She felt worse than ever now. She'd been so wrapped up in her
own love dramas-first Tamahome and now Soi, whom she had no business
falling in love with in the first place-that she'd failed to notice the
one who really did love her. And now he was gone.
"Wow, I sure brought joy to so many lives," she muttered
sarcastically as fresh tears welled in her eyes. She knew she could
never love Suboshi back, but how could she have taken him for granted
for so long? "I've not only betrayed my best friend, but I probably
caused so much pain for Suboshi when all he did was love me! I'm a
life-wrecker!" she sobbed. Amiboshi wrapped his arms gently around her.
"Please don't cry, Yui-sama...it wasn't your fault. You didn't
know," he whispered.
"Look at me, Amiboshi. I let myself be led astray by Nakago and
tried to hurt someone who didn't deserve it. All because I was jealous.
And Miaka's a much better miko than I am. Only one of her Seishi died,"
Yui sobbed. "I've seen how well she and her Seishi get along. They
really care about one another."
"Yui-sama, the Seiryuu Seishi never got along well, even before
you came. It was always like this," Amiboshi said. "I don't know how
much longer I'm going to survive without Suboshi. When he was with
me...at least we had one another to hold on to, we could protect each
other from the hatred. But...it began to take its toll on him, and now
that he's gone..." His eyes overflowed again as he sobbed against Yui's
shoulder.
'Great. How can I be so selfish?! I'm whining about my bad luck
and hating myself and Amiboshi is in real pain! He lost his BROTHER!'
Yui felt like kicking herself. "Gomen nasai, Amiboshi-kun," she
mumbled.
"Please...just because I'm in pain doesn't mean you hurt any
less. Fate played a sick game with our lives and right now we only have
each other to confide in," Amiboshi said.
"Why? Why did fate curse us like this? We each lost someone we
care about so much, and fell in love with someone we could never have,"
Yui choked.
"At least your important person and forbidden love weren't the
same person," Amiboshi muttered. "The worst kind of unrequited love is
loving someone you know is off-limits."
"Don't I know it. It isn't easy watching the one you love
obsess over someone else," Yui sighed. "By that logic, you should
resent me because I was the one Suboshi was so obsessed with."
"I just can't. If you made him happy, I wasn't going to argue
with it," Amiboshi said.
"So if I really love Soi I'll accept that she only loves
Nakago. Of course, she's NOT happy and I can't stand to see her like
this anymore! Maybe he does care about her a little, but love?" Yui
brushed away a few stray tears. "I don't care if she doesn't love me
the way I love her. It just hurts that she won't even give me a chance,
she just hates me because..." It hit her just then. "She's jealous..."
Yui sighed. "It isn't the same situation, but...I was angry and tried
to hurt Miaka based on an assumption, and Soi hates me based on an
assumption. You know what they say, what goes around comes around. I
should've known what I did would come back and beat me over the head!"
she sobbed. "At least Soi knows...even if she'll probably have me
killed."
"So you did tell her?" Amiboshi asked. Yui nodded.
"I'll probably be dead tomorrow, so Konan's gonna win by
default," she muttered.
"Does it matter? I don't care who wins anymore. I know if Kutou
won, Seiryuu could bring back Suboshi, but at what price? Why does
everything have to come with a string attached, Yui-sama?" Amiboshi
asked tearfully.
"Because life is unfair, Amiboshi-kun," Yui said sadly. "Fate
played a sick game with our lives and all we can do is stand back and
watch." She looked into Amiboshi's mournful eyes, seeing her own
sorrows and fear mirrored in them. "All we can do is ask...why? Why did
I hurt someone I've known for years and care about so much over a
misunderstanding? Why does the one I love hate me more than anything?"
"The same reason I lost the one person I love more than
anything," Amiboshi sobbed. "If only I'd told him how much he means to
me...you know, now that I think about it, he wouldn't really let this
ruin our relationship. Strange I considered that now that it's too
late."
"You know...despite his being in love with me like you said...I
think he may have felt the same way a little," Yui said.
"You really think so?" Amiboshi asked quietly. Yui nodded.
"There's always a chance." She felt a small sting on her cheek
as she thought of Soi. "Well...almost always," she said before she
broke into tears again.
"Aniki...I didn't know you felt the same way. I wish I'd told
you before it was too late. I love you."
Suboshi's spirit looked down sadly on the sight of his brother
sobbing in Yui's arms. "I love her...but she could never replace you,
aniki. She may be a beautiful woman, but you're my brother." A tear
slid down his cheek as he closed his eyes. "If only I could return to
you..."
~
{'I love you, Soi.'}
This was wrong. No, more than wrong. It made no sense. That
stupid girl was in love with her? Why? How?!
"She's a masochist! All this time, she never said a thing about
what I've been doing to her. I thought she was just afraid of me. She
loves me. I can't believe her nerve. I hate her, I want her dead! And
the little bitch turns around and falls in love with me!" Soi kicked at
the ground. "And she had the nerve to make up such lies. Nakago-sama is
not using me! He's just...dense, that's all!" But the more she thought
about it, the more it sank in.
"What if she's right? What if he doesn't even care about me at
all?" Soi wondered aloud. "For years I've loved him with all my heart,
and he's never once given me a sign that he felt the same...he might
care about me, but does he love me?" Soi sighed. She never thought it
would come to this. But here it was, and she might as well deal with
it.
"Here goes nothing," she muttered as she walked down the
hallway.
Nakago opened the door to find Soi standing there with a
serious look on her face.
"I thought you would've gone to bed by now," he said. "Come
in...what's on your mind?"
"We need to talk." Soi walked into the room and closed the door
behind her.
"Is something wrong?" Nakago asked.
"Not wrong. I'm just...curious about something," Soi said.
"And that would be?"
"We've been together for several years now, right?" She asked.
He nodded. "And we're pretty close, right?"
"Soi, what are you getting at here?" Nakago stared at her,
clearly confused. Soi drew in a deep breath and looked into his eyes.
It was now or never.
"I've been in love with you for most of those years. And up
until now...I believed you felt the same way. But you were involved
with Tomo and then the thing with Yui...I know you told me I'm not the
one you want, but I was just in denial..." She sighed. "I guess what
I'm trying to say is that I want to know."
"Want to know what?"
"Where we stand. I want the truth about our relationship. Do
you love me or not? Did you ever love me? Do you even care about me
that much?" Soi put a hand on his shoulder. "I need to know,
Nakago-sama," she said. Nakago was shocked. Soi had always been very
submissive to him, he'd never expected this. He knew there was some
physical attraction between then, but love?
"Soi...I never knew you felt this way. I always thought you
just admired me or were obsessed, I...didn't know your feelings were so
strong. I'm sorry," he said, his eyes mirroring confusion.
"Well, now you know," Soi said quietly. "And I want to know if
I was foolish to think you loved me, or if you did feel anything for
me."
"You want the truth?" She nodded. "Then...I'm afraid the answer
isn't so simple. I did care for you, but I didn't love you the way you
loved me," he said.
"So you've been leading me on all these years," Soi mumbled,
feeling her face burn. "And I was a fool, believing you could love me."
Nakago put his hand on her shoulder.
"It's not like that. I didn't mean to lead you on, Soi...well,
maybe I did, but I admit I was selfish. I was wrong, and I'm sorry," he
apologized. "I care about you, but the fact is...I love Tomo. Indifferent
to him as I was...I did love him."
"And what about Yui?"
"I may have felt something for her, but I don't love her. I
guess I did sort of use you, and her. I'm sorry, Soi...I never meant to
take advantage of you for so long," he said. Soi closed her eyes
momentarily, blinking away tears. So Yui was right after all.
"I accept your apology...Nakago," she said. She didn't see much
point in calling him 'Nakago-sama' anymore. Maybe she was being a bit
dramatic, but she didn't care. She was too heartbroken and confused
right now. "I'm going to bed now...it is pretty late."
"I hope you're not too upset, Soi," Nakago said.
"I'm fine," Soi lied as she opened the door and walked out.
"I'll see you tomorrow, all right?" Nakago nodded.
"Goodnight, then," he said.
"Night." Soi looked at him once more, then closed the door
behind her. "At least I have closure," she sighed as she walked slowly
to her bedroom. Once there, she collapsed onto her bed and began to
cry.
"I should've known. How could I have been such a fool?
Especially after he said I wasn't the one he wanted. I'm delusional. I
wasted years believing he loved me, or trying to make him love me. You
can't make someone fall in love with you...if only I knew that sooner."
An hour later, Soi's tears had died down, but her heart was
still aching badly. And she was still confused about Yui. What kind of
person falls in love with someone who hates them? An idiot, she
thought. A silly, naive little girl. 'Like me,' she thought bitterly.
"But...he said there was nothing going on between them, that he
didn't love her. And he doesn't love me either...so why do I still
resent her?" she wondered aloud. The more she thought about it, the
more pointless it seemed. What was the use anymore? You couldn't be
rivals with someone over a man who didn't love either of you, after
all.
"But that isn't the only reason to hate her," Soi argued.
"She's empty-headed, she's an obnoxious bitch, she's trying to kill
someone who obviously cares a great deal for her based on a stupid
assumption..." Realization struck her like a lightening bolt. "She's
acting like me." Soi slammed her fist into the wall and growled.
"Wonderful, now I feel bad for what I've done! I don't care about her!
Even if I have no good reason to hate her...why should I care about
that little witch?"
'Because even after you've expressed your hatred for her, and
threatened to kill her, she's never raised a fist in anger. She's never
said anything to anyone. And she opened your eyes and made you see that
you couldn't continue pining away for someone who doesn't love you,' a
voice in the back of her mind answered.
"But even so, why should I suddenly care about her? Feelings
like that don't spring up over the course of an hour. Okay, I feel a
little guilty for being so cruel to her, and I kinda appreciate that
she made me realize I'm at least worth more than being used by a
guy...but still!"
'The least you could do is tell her so, then. Apologize for the
way you treated her and tell her you appreciate her help concerning
Nakago.'
"But she's in love with me and I just can't deal with it. I
can't get close to her when I don't even know if I care about her yet,
it wouldn't be right...it wouldn't be fair to her," Soi sighed. But the
more she tried to argue with the voice in her head, the more she found
herself questioning what she was saying. Did she really not care about
Yui, or was she just too stubborn to back down from her position? Even
if she still couldn't fully accept what Nakago had said, he'd told her
himself he didn't love Yui. The reason for her hatred had been the
accusation that Nakago was involved with Yui, and now that her
assumption had been proven false...what point was there? Suddenly, she
found herself wishing she had protected Yui from the flames in the battle
that day.
Sighing, she slipped a robe on and decided to walk to the
nearby lake. She needed to be alone.
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