Secrets
i wrote all this with one hand in a cast, so i hope it goes
appreciated!
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Nobody will ever know. That is the price I pay for secrecy.
I should not be feeling these sorts of things, but I am. I don’t
understand them. I can fool myself into believing that it’s all silly,
or unreasonable, or that my emotions are the cause of all this, but I
can’t blame things forever. It does not make any sense, not any sense
at all. They say sometimes that love is illogical, and that it can
break down any barriers, and I fear I may be believing it. Perhaps
expression shall be the only way to fully understand this, my only
real means of communication. If you, or anybody else knew of this, I
could not imagine what consequences would await me.
I think I am in love with you, Freya. It sounds so unusual and…
“evil”… but as I wrote before, I don’t understand this myself. It
doesn’t make any sense! Are we not supposed to be enemies? Did I not
make a ruination of your home, and family, and your LIFE?? Did I not
destroy everything you held close so unjustly? Am I not the woman you
surely secretly wish to kill? IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!! I can’t
understand any of this! Why do I believe I have any sort of feeling
towards you at all, let alone that of love?
You were an unwilling enemy of mine. For years, I have respected the
power and might of Burmecia, and I always felt that, if war erupted,
they could pose a serious threat if they weren’t allies. I personally
never held any quarrel with them, nor any great love (may I add), but
I would aid them if needed and I would destroy them if necessary. But…
it seemed… I was little more than a blade of grass, being carried on
the wind…
I have done you a great wrong, and for that, you have every right and
privilege to wish me dead, though you do not. On some lonely nights, I
wish I would die, as well. I grow tired of screams.
Freya Crescent… I saw you as an enemy at first, but really, we have
more in common than we realize. We are both strong, strong of body,
will, and spirit, and I must say that beauty has blessed us both. Yes…
it is strange for me to find an attraction with you--not because you
are a woman like me, but because our species differs. Yet though many
see you as an ugly rat, I have seen you, the real you, as nothing but
a gorgeous creature, who, when she smiles, radiates like a choir of
angels. Is it possible for me to be smitten so?
It’s confusing, so much so that my head hurts, and I have nobody to
counsel with who is trustworthy enough. The ones closest to my heart
would never believe or accept this, so it must be in secret.
Yet I am not so shallow as to fall in love with a beauty, for it all
fades--muscle and skin and hair, they all die. What is left, the heart
and soul of a person, now that is most important, and it is that which
I have mysteriously grown to love about you. You see, my beautiful
enemy, we are both strong because of our endless devotion to that
which we desire to protect. Our homes, Alexandria and Burmecia, are
dear to us, and the people living within are more cherished than all
the riches and powers on Gaia. I saw in your gorgeous green eyes the
desire to defend your home and people to the death, and even though
you believe to have failed, I feel you accomplished something.
Again we fought, like true bitter enemies, and I could feel your
hatred and sadness towards me. But I also felt your heart, pulsating
with the inextinguishable desire to fight and defend for the truth and
for life, even though there may no longer be any sense in doing so. I
was unworthy to face you, though I was precisely the same.
Oh, we made a stunning pair when we fought together!
It was the aftermath of the escape from Alexandria that was the
darkest time for us, and for me. We were resting in the forest,
concealed well, and though I had the sense to organize things and make
sure we weren’t found, inwardly, I was like a rag that had been
wrenched too tightly. I could actually sense the darkness brooding
inside of you, obviously stemming from the overwhelming anger,
sadness, and confusion. I thought it best to let you cool off for
awhile, and to let things calm down, before addressing you.
Carefully, once I felt enough time had passed, I crept over to your
side. You were sitting on a smooth stone, back turned towards me, most
likely in thought. I casually sat, and searched for the right words to
say to you. It had not been that long ago when we were trying to kill
each other, and even shorter when we fought side-by-side, so I would
need some diplomacy to communicate. I could not just say hello and
have everything turn out well.
“How are you feeling, Freya?” I began. It was the best I could think
of. You simply turned your head, and gave me a fiery look that
suggested I never ask something so stupid again. I apologized, and
left you by yourself.
I don’t know when it happened, but the more I thought about you, the
more I began to feel an attraction towards you. I saw things in your
perspective: you had been defending your home from an invader, one who
had no right to set foot on that land to declare war. You posed us no
threat, I later realized, and even now as I write, I am beginning to
feel that maybe it was the Queen and I who were the true enemies. My
heart wrenches dry just recalling those moments of my own stupidity
and blind loyalty. Grass withers and dies easily.
I resolved to leaving myself alone, to ponder and think. My business
as a General came first, but I made sure to finish all my duties
before tasting luxuries. We were safe from harm for the moment,
patched up and secure from the troops of the Queen. I feared for the
safety of those soldiers who supported Steiner and myself, for they
would sooner betray the Queen than us. There was nothing I could do
for them except pray, and hope their training and discipline paid off.
In the meantime, I took a well-deserved rest, and wished for a way to
speak to Freya. Perhaps it was then, around that moment, when I began
to feel for you.
“And what’s gotten Alexandria’s greatest General in such a
depression?” came a voice from behind. The accent was clearly
Burmecian, and sure enough, when I turned around, I could see you
there--Freya Crescent, neither scared nor angry nor even confused.
Bitter, perhaps, but…
“What do you mean?” I wondered. “You know what I did. I have committed
a terrible sin, and… there’s a strong chance that you’ll never forgive
me. You may even wish to kill me, but… I just… at least I hope…”
Having been caught off guard, I could not gather the right words to
speak to one so pure and innocent of crime. But, she gave me a
studious look anyway, void of hate, and crossed her arms.
“Yes, I realize that all,” she said. “And I do carry an immense grudge
towards you. I don’t deny that I would like to avenge my people, but
that would just be a waste of time. Your death would solve nothing,
then I would be looked on as a murderer. No, I’m far stronger than
that. Even if you asked me to, I would not grant you such a request.”
“But--” Freya gently knelt down next to me, took off her hat, and gave
me such a kind look that it was heartbreaking. Her eyes were like
stone, her face firm, but I could see the gentle spirit within.
“General, I do detest what you have done, but if you wish to redeem
yourself, then you must live until all your wrongdoings have been
redressed. If you want the forgiveness of the people of Burmecia, then
prove it by helping them regroup and reconstruct their beloved city.
You will be hated at first, and many will wish you dead with a
stronger desire than my own, but by giving back that which you have
stolen, I believe you can find the absolution you seek.”
I remembered every word she said, verbatim. It was all pressed within
my memory, every breath of it--words of advice and counsel from one
who should have been wailing and enraged. But no, the inner strength
of Freya was so powerful that it even allowed me, one who was an
enemy, the chance for redemption. It was then, in that simple little
speech, that I knew I was talking with a woman who had more heart than
I, a true saint in a land of sinners, and from her very presence did I
feel my heart rise.
Perhaps it was then that I felt such love. Ah. Now it no longer
confuses me. I see. Though you were an enemy, and though we are the
same gender and different species, our hearts and souls are precisely
the same, in synch with each other’s. Such a strange and beautiful
bond must have resulted in these feelings I have…… These feelings I am
not worthy of.
“Why are you being so kind to me?” I whispered. “Even after everything
I have done, you still…”
“The sooner all this sorrow and pain is ended, the better,” she
reasoned. “It does hurt me on the inside to extend such courtesies to
an enemy… but I have grown tired of screams. If I can make a friend
out of an enemy, then I will go to sleep a happy woman. But please,
General… please live until you have the chance to redress your wrongs.
Our suffering would have been in vain if you left us with such
troubles still on your shoulders. I would like to do everything within
my power to keep you alive until then.” She gave me a pretty smile, a
woman more beautiful than descriptions can say, and gave my shoulder a
quick rub as she left me. I watched her leave, her tail swinging
nobly, and I was left aghast at just how powerful and pure this woman
was.
If I wasn’t in love with her already, then my mind was changed right
then and there.
A lot of time passed, and I experienced pain and sorrow, joy and
humor, difficulty and ease. I was finally able to set myself right
with Freya shortly after she and Queen Garnet returned from their task
at the Iifa tree--if one called a month later being short times.
Alexandria seemed to grow into a well-deserved calm during that time,
and I was left with my duties and the not-so-secret affections of
Steiner, which I did not mind in the least since I liked him (and
still do).
I wanted to leave the kingdom so I could start work in Burmecia, but I
think the poor man misinterpreted it as me leaving there forever. He
stopped me at first, but once I explained where I was going, he
“allowed” me to stay--at least until the Queen’s seventeenth birthday.
I agreed, and I was glad I did, because I met Freya again on that
particular day. She actually seemed quite happy to see me; I felt a
little foolish. It is not every day that an esteemed Alexandrian
General finds herself smitten with a Burmecian, let alone one of the
same gender (I’ll admit to having a crush on a young male from that
area before I enlisted, which is only slightly less peculiar).
“Freya!” I addressed. “I don’t suppose this comes as a surprise! Are
you here to celebrate her highness’ birthday, or to escort me to
Burmecia?”
“Both, actually,” she replied with a nod. “I heard from Mogrio the
moogle that you were eager to start, so I came along to be your
guide.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I already know my way there,” I admitted
with a bit of embarrassment. She smiled anyway.
“Well, yes… I just thought that you might like some company on your
way.”
“That I would indeed, Freya,” I sighed happily. “More than you may
think.”
A week later I departed with the woman I was secretly in love with,
feeling awkward and foolish, but otherwise happy. An unusually-joyful
Freya noticed my condition, and placed her soft hand over mine, a
delicate touch I loved.
“Don’t worry, I made sure that everything was smoothed out before you
arrived. Most people believe it’s only proper ‘punishment’ for you to
be doing this, and I’ll let them believe it. You’ll be fine, General.”
“You can just call me Beatrix, Freya,” I responded with a timid smile.
“If we are to… be friends, we cannot be so formal.”
“No… All right, then, Beatrix it is.” She gave me a pretty grin, aimed
straight for my heart, and I returned one as best I could. I could not
believe that one who should have been an enemy was behaving so
friendly towards me, but I didn’t complain. I was merely happy to be
with her, and to do anything within my power to correct my errors and
help her out.
Maybe someday, I may even have the courage to tell her how I feel.
Until then, I resign myself as
General Beatrix F. de Alexandria
Resident of Burmecia and
A dear friend of Freya Crescent, whom I love
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