The door closed behind Jun, loud in the silent apartment. She shrugged her coat off one shoulder, then remembered with some embarrassment that she could hang it up herself. By her own request, no aide would be there tonight. No one to bathe her. No one to pick up clothes. For the first time in months, Jun was completely alone. And she was glad for that in ways she would have been hard put to describe. Once upon a time, her apartment had been her refuge. When the world had been too much for her she had been able to come back and revel in the silence, the emptiness that matched the emptiness inside. Then Kazumi had joined her and she had wanted, desperately wanted, to come home to the girl, to her cheerful voice and her stories. But something always dragged her away. No, not something - someone. Asuka knew, had always known, long before Jun had ever admitted it to herself, what Jun felt for Kazumi. That evil child, the Devilbeast boy had known, too - they all had known. Even Kazumi had known. Everyone but Jun herself. Jun stripped her clothes off carefully. First a bath. No, a shower. No more soaking in a tub like a child. She would wash herself and then sleep. The water was hot. It felt so good that Jun sighed out loud - which felt good in its own right. So she sighed again. With each sigh, a weight lifted from her, and she felt lighter. Soap, shampoo, loofah; everything made her feel good. It was the best she had felt in so long she was suddenly afraid to turn the shower off. What if the feeling swirled away down the drain with the water? She wrapped a towel around herself somewhat awkwardly, smiling wryly at her misty reflection in the mirror. So, she didn't have the hang of it yet. That was alright. It would come with time. The doctors at the Institute had offered to replace both arms, but she had refused. One was enough. They couldn't understand that the ragged, ugly wound on her shoulder was all she had left of Asuka. She couldn't bear to lose it. As much as she hated and feared the woman, she owed her everything. Without Asuka to create her, Jun wouldn't have been born. "Goddamn you, Asuka Ran." Jun whispered to the ether. "I hope your hell is even more horrible than mine." Jun leaned heavily against her hand, thinking of the hell she had ruled, if only for a few hours. She had reigned in hell, while Asuka had reigned in heaven. Her eyes closed and her skin crawled with the memory of Kazumi, dear, sweet Kazumi, reduced to a grotesque part of that horrific vision of mutated humanity. Kazumi, whose last request was that Jun wouldn't turn around and see her... Jun stripped the towel from her body and stumbled back into the shower, sucking in steam, trying not to vomit, burning her skin with water too hot to tolerate. She scrubbed her body until it began to bleed. She had reigned in hell. The fit passed, as it always did. For the second time, Jun shut off the water, but left the towel on the floor. Naked, she lurched drunkenly into her bedroom. The nurse's cot was still there - a testament to her second infancy. In disgust, she dragged it to one side of the room, as far from the bed as possible. She threw herself down on her bed with vehemence. The bed rose up to meet her, soft blankets and plush mattress soothing her. She pushed her face into a worn pillow with burn marks on the edge and breathed in. The faint scent was barely detectable. Her nostrils widened to take it in, cinnamon and pepper. She rolled onto her back, spreading her limbs across the large bed that she had never shared with Kazumi. Instead she had run from the girl and, not trusting herself, had bought bunk beds. She wondered, not for the first time, what would have become of them if she had bought a double bed like Kazumi wanted. Would they have had nights of passion or would she have laid there, trembling with desire, not saying a word, not moving? Jun smiled horribly up at the ceiling. Would it have been so bad? Jun couldn't stop the tears from coming, she never could. At least this time she could wipe them away herself, and not have to bear the consoling voice of the nurse, who thought she was in pain. Well, she was, but it was nothing she would share with the woman. Jun ran an angry arm across her eyes, then did it again, because it felt impossibly good to be able to do it. She draped her forearm across her face, then ran her fingers through her hair. It was coarser than she remembered - but then, it had been months since she had had it done professionally, or even with anything other than institutional soap. She decided firmly to make an appointment with a salon. She took a long look at her hand and grimaced. As soon as her nails grew a little longer. She let her hand move slowly down her face, feeling eyelids and ears carefully. You take them for granted, she thought, but they feel different on each person. Skin, like scent, is unique for everyone. Her cheeks were warm, her mouth wet, her teeth hard. Her chin was weak – it had always been, but feeling the bone beneath the skin was reassuring. Carefully she moved her hand to her wounded shoulder. The scar was healed long ago, but there would always be a sensitivity that was as much emotional as physical. She ran her fingers along the uneven skin, a little nauseated at the sensation. This is where tendon and muscle had shredded, then parted. This is where bone had been broken away. Her hand moved off her shoulder and across her collarbone, with its soothing solidity. Then down to her chest. The skin of her breasts was softer than she remembered, but looser too. Age, stress, lack of exercise, they were all taking a toll on her body. As her hand passed across her nipple, a sharp sensation traveled through her body, followed by a terrible realization. It had been...how long...since she had had sex? Long enough ago that she couldn't remember. Before Asuka had come into her life, before Kazumi, before becoming a Devilman. And all those months of heightened awareness, of hormones and raging animal instincts and being surrounded by women she wanted more than she wanted food. Her hand passed along the outer edge of her aureole; the feeling of need that she had suppressed for so long intensified quickly. She squeezed her nipple, enjoying the sensation of the heat between her legs. Jun gasped out loud as she rolled the nipple between her fingers. It wasn't a question of lust and there wasn't any way to put it off - this was pure physical exigency. She didn't bother with preliminaries; she needed to come, and quickly. Lowering her hand, she parted her lower lips, only vaguely aware of their softness, of the hair that surrounded them, but very aware of her own smell, and the feeling of the blood coursing through her body, singing along her spine. It had been too long - longer than anyone should have to go without this. Her spine arced against the bed as she touched herself. Need and desire sped through her entire body as her new fingers passed back and forth across her center. For a brief, amused moment, Jun wished for a second hand, but then her climax was upon her and she couldn't think of anything else as her muscles bunched beneath her. Her gasping was loud in her ears, but she was too caught up to be embarrassed. Her orgasm was long, but not long enough, not enough to fill the emptiness she knew she'd have to face now. Now that she was alone. Now that she had no reason not have a life again. She relaxed back on the bed, breathing heavily, her body covered in a sheen of sweat. It was good, but it wouldn't be enough. Jun knew that after a few days, or a few weeks, she'd have to give in, to prowl dark bars until she found someone who would give her the release she couldn't live without. Her own need scared her. She remembered how, as a high school student, she had run away from Aoi, who had so clearly desired her. She had run to a nameless place, a bar full of bitter, self-involved people, desperately trying to forget things. And she had thrown herself into the arms of a man she couldn't remember, whose name she had never learned. Lost her virginity in a drunken stupor, all to save herself from being kissed by a woman who wanted her so much. It had terrified her more that Aoi had been able to understand. She hadn't wanted to admit the truth – the truth about herself that had been so obvious to Asuka. And then there were the months before...before the Fall. Jun had been driven mad by her attraction to Asuka, and to Kazumi. Asuka scared her, but not as much as her longing for Kazumi had. Months of living with and working near, women she wanted so badly her body would shake with longing... Jun let her fingers play in her own wetness, remembering the feel of Kazumi's body the day they had finally allowed themselves to admit their love. She could feel her muscles tighten again, remembering the sound of the girl's voice, the scent of her skin, and the smell of her lust. Jun came a second time, imagining the taste of Kazumi's lips. Jun slept deeply that night, as she hadn't slept for months.
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