Iron Head (Don't Look Back in Anger)
...Sakon once asked me something.
He said so clearly;
"Why do you fight?"
To humour the age old ideal of good versus evil one might expect
me to answer with air of self-righteousness. To say that I
risked my life for the greater good. That I fought constantly
and with no regard for my personal safety because in some way; I
view my life as less than those of others. To believe that was
the case... would be right. But not one single facet of my life
is devoted to one thing. Far least my will to stop dead the
machinations of Oda Nobunaga. Such a desire has roots in more
than one plot of soil. I fought not only to stop a madman who
was laying waste to the shinobi order; but for personal reasons
of my own. Those reasons are simple.
I fought out of anger and vengeance.
I remember once when Ryoma and I spoke with Lord Momochi of the
Iga Clan. Before the betrayal of Kayo and the Koga, a result of
the actions of the Seven Oboro. He had told me that when he
first met me; he was surprised. To have seen a kunoichi so
powerful. A kunoichi that was powerful enough to escape the
ruins of the Kasumi Clan. One comment of his really stuck with
me. Ryoma claimed that it was 'amazing' that I could have
escaped that nightmare without so much as a scratch upon my
will. I greatly suspect that I was somewhat flattered back then.
But now... I question that.
...When I emerged from the flames of the Kasumi Clan compound, I
was given the duty of carrying the message of our destruction to
Hagakure and Hyuga. It was thought that our union would be
enough to quell the pretensions and bloodshed of the Oboro and
the forces of darkness. But I was also given a deeper duty.
To use and defend the fabled Kodachi that became deeply attached
to the legacy that my clan was wielding. The sword that I use
now. The sword of legend. One third of the three swords that
will unite to fulfil the prophecy of Yotoden. That was why my
Father sacrificed his life to protect the sword. That was why my
Brother sacrificed his life to allow me to escape the fire of
destruction. To keep the wheel of hope turning. To entrust the
sword to me. So that I might use it to fulfil the prophecy. And
ensure the safety of the ninja legacy.
And so I forsook all that I was.
Woman, Heir, Future Mother.
All those dreams and responsibilities that were given to the
women of Kasumi were rejected in my heart for the greatest
possible task that I could have endured. To stop Nobunaga and
the Oburo by bringing about Yotoden. But at that time... I was
blinded to my true will. I was never moved my a sentiment of
protection or caring for those less able to protect themselves
as me. As selfish as it was... I wanted revenge. Even if it
meant dying for it. All I wanted was to avenge the deaths of my
family. To avenge the death of the Kasumi Clan. To avenge the
death of my life as a woman.
Without the reflections of Gobo and the insight of Sakon, I
might very well have ended as another corpse upon the filthily
rising pile created by the whims of Nobunaga. And though I value
all of what they have given me, in particular Sakon, I would not
have returned to my true path unless it were for her.
And my heart still aches simply to think of her.
Lady Kikyo.
Even before the attack Ryoma and I laid upon Azuchi Castle, I
thought of her. I thought of her elongated tresses of cinnamon
brown, her dark golden eyes, her sweet voice. Her air of purity
and dignity. I thought of such thing every day since her death.
Kikyo was unlike anyone I had ever seen before. When I first
entered Hagakure, after meeting Ryoma and his followers in the
outer forests, I saw her. I was so allured. Though her beauty
struck me, I was confused as to how such a kind, caring woman
had been sculpted within the walls of such a powerful ninja
clan. And though the defences of the Hagakure Compound were a
bigger agenda on my mind at the time... I soon saw her for what
she was. And for what I saw of my old self in her.
When I looked into her eyes... I truly saw my old self.
Not as the remaining Shadow of the Kasumi Clan, not as the
wielder of the short sword, but as a woman. What I was fated to
do then was irrelevant. I was happy then. And to look into
Kikyo's eyes and reflect upon those days...
...Well, it makes it easy to see why I fell in love with her.
No better time did I feel that than when I went to the gardens
of the Hagakure. By the banks of the stream I sat and I
ruminated on its beauty. The gleam of the water in the
moonlight, the romantic glow of the fireflies. Those were the
sights that made me think back to Kasumi. I thought back to the
times I stare at the fireflies at home. And how my Brother would
always carry me home when I was too upset to leave. I even to
Kikyo as much. The flood of emotions came thereafter. Leaving me
with the kind of feminine frailty of emotion that I was seeking
to rid myself of to complete my mission.
My Father probably would have regarded my tears as 'a sign of
female weakness'...
...Kikyo called them 'an expression of who you truly are' when
we spoke then.
And when she told me that I could have melted there and then.
Misogynistic as my Father was; he was correct about my tears
being symbols of weakness. But to hear Kikyo to say what she
said made me feel different about everything for the first time
since I witnessed the death of all my loved ones at Kasumi. Her
words showed me that I needed to be who I was when the time was
right. The masculine persona I needed to develop to command
respect amongst my peers and to fulfil the prophecy did not need
to rule my life. Just as Sakon argued.
And from that moment on I knew how I felt about her. Attraction
was something I could very easily bury. Love is something
entirely different. My feelings for Kikyo grew all at once. But
if frailty of emotion was my feminine weakness, then an
inability to express emotion was my masculine one.
I couldn't speak a word of what I felt.
In some respects... I know that Kikyo loved me too. For what she
did, for what she said, and for how she acted, I am sure of it.
But we were both women by birth... even though some might class
me as male by spirit. Such relationships might not have been
swallowed well by others, even though noble lords often indulged
in relations with the same sex. It was even rumoured that that
Mori Ranmaru, the force behind all of the nightmare, was the
bedfellow of his lord, Nobunaga. After meeting that monster I
can assuredly say that this was not the case. Ranmaru held far
too much contempt for that old parasite to allow his corrupted
fingers to lay upon him. But regardless of that... feelings
between woman and woman, man and man, were frowned upon. The
fact that I suspected silenced Kikyo as well as me.
Which ironically made our short time together so bitter sweet.
Kikyo didn't try to tell me what she felt until it was too late.
And the same went for me. Just after we spoke at the firefly
gardens; Hagakure was under attack from the Oboro and their
lesser demons. Ryoma and all his Father's forces rallied
together, along with Sakon, in order to expel the devils. As
well as the one commanding the attack. The Oboro who carried as
much hatred from me as Nobunaga did.
Saebusa Jinnai.
Just as I felt weak-hearted to think of Kikyo, I feel utter
anger at the name of Jinnai. The foul monster behind the
destruction of Kasumi and the ruination of Hagakure. The one to
took my life from me. The moment I saw him rear his face inside
the compound, I instantly went to meet with him upon its walls.
I recall him saying that he 'had no words for the dying' when I
vented my fury at his actions. And when we battled I lost to
much concentration to my anger. When I fell off the edge of the
wall, I had to throw my grappling hook around him and drag him
down with me to smother the fall. I was successful. And I
thought that that would be the end of him. Which caused me to
pay more attention to the fact that Kikyo was coming my way. I
could remember how she looked both happy and frightened when she
embraced me. Happy to see me alive from the fall... and
frightened about what she thought nearly befell me. Such a time
confirmed my feelings for her. To know that a woman that I
hadn't known all that long would be so worried for my safety.
Kikyo's endless love was so obvious back then.
But to my disbelief, Saebusa was not dead. And was still out for
blood. I can remember Kikyo turning around me and shielding my
back as the Oboro shot something towards us. His claw. It lodged
into her back. And instantly threw a kunai back into his face
when I saw him do this. Which again did not destroy him. But by
that time my concerns were not for Saebusa. Only for the woman
whom had captured my heart so effortlessly as I began my
journey. She was dying. I tried to kid myself into believing
that she would make it. After all there were so many ninja
potions and treatments that could have been used to help her.
But she was dying. And it was at that point when Kikyo,
breathless, chest heaving, voice weakening, told me that I had
to continue the fight. That she was 'holding me back'. Never
have I heard such foolish words from someone I valued to such a
degree. And yet never have I heard such words that confirm such
a sort of relentless kindness and dignity.
For a woman who saved my life to actually believe that she was a
detriment to me... I was unbelievable. I was never my angry at
her. And never more sure of my feelings for her, either. And
when she released her dying breath, I realized that was too late
to even present what I felt.
Kikyo was gone.
Gone before I could say what I wanted to. Thank her for what she
did for me. Stress the facts that had been made so clear thanks
to her. It was all so hopeless. So when I laid her to rest, I
made my resolve solid. As the cannons blasted the great monster
that Saebusa had transformed himself into and the flames roared
in the night sky, I knew that I had to do what I could to
destroy it. To destroy the fiend that caused so much suffering
and death. To unhinge the foundations of Nobunaga's rule and
bring peace to a nation so ridden with warfare and violence.
Even if it killed me. It was the act that cause me to unlock the
truest power of my sword. And shatter the first Oboro, Saebusa
Jinnai, into the former dust of his creation.
Once the violence had settled, and what remained of Hagakure was
safe, I was left with nothing but a dull ache in my chest. The
pains and weight of loss was made so brutally apparent to me.
And as the rain came down with such cleansing agony, I cried
again. But not with regrets. I cried as an expression of who I
was. Who I really was. Something that Kikyo had taught me to do
so well.
Once we buried her, we began the hunt for union. One part of my
duty had been fulfilled. I had made Hagakure aware of the
situation, even if I could not do so with Hyuga. Iga, Koga and
other lesser ninja establishments had to be informed. Then we
could unite and take up the fight against Nobunaga and the Oboro
with all our strength. And eventually, we were successful. After
defeating the last of the Oboro, Nobunaga, and then later
Ranmaru, the void to the dark realm was sealed forever.
The prophecy of Yotoden was fulfilled.
And a new lord took over where Nobunaga had left his mark. But
to the dance of an unambiguous tune. One of relative peace. When
Sakon died in my arms on that day, I took him to the ruins of
Hyuga to be buried as a thanks for all the gifts he had given
me. I would have done the same for Ryoma at Hagakure but there
was no trace of him. In winning my fight I had lost so much. But
with all that I lost, I ensured so much more for others. Soon
afterwards I committed myself to the rebuilding of Kasumi. I was
the last one left in knowledge of our Clan's ninjutsu style. But
I began passing it down to newer generations in the hopes that
they would use the style to defend our peace and freedom.
It is a lot of work.
But every now and again I go back to Hagakure and visit the site
of Kikyo's burial. Which is where I am now. I crouch down and
place a selection of flowers upon her grave. And think back to
my short times with the woman who put my misguided heart back on
course. I thank her for these things. But I doubt that I could
ever truly be thankful enough.
"Now the fight is over," I say to her grave, "I have so much to
do to rebuild Kasumi. But with the aid of other ninja bodies...
I can restore it, Kikyo. I don't want the memories of all our
scarifies to be forgotten. I want my clan to be a footnote in
the legacy of what can be obtained when human spirit is forced
to stand in defiance of tyranny. And we will do the same for the
Hagakure. I know you would have wanted that. One day I will join
you in the next life and we will be reunited. Then you can see
all that has become of the new world we all hoped to build.
Until then, rest peacefully."
And so I stand and walk into the sun of a new era. The events
around the death of Kikyo, Sakon, Ryoma and all others are over.
But not forgotten. I will carry out all their hopes into
fruition. That, in truth, is why I fought. Revenge and the
fulfilment of destiny are chief motivations for it. But there is
one reason that stands above all others. The very same gift that
Kikyo truly brought out in me.
...Hope.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kaiser's Afterthoughts
* My first and probably last Yotoden fanfiction. A short piece I
cooked up after I thought about the Kikyo/Ayame relationship. I
doubt that Kikyo had THAT much influence on Ayame, but I do feel
that there was some form of romantic connection there.
* Got any comments about what you just read? E-mail my about
them!
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