Sparks of Shadow and Flame

a Revolutionary Girl Utena fanfiction by Alithea

Authors notes: Well I'm highly in favor of blaming this fic on too 
much Virginia Woolf, but it might not be the best of excuses. Honestly 
though, leave a review and tell me what you think. I'm not sure this 
fic works the way it should. I may have failed.but I always say that, 
so I look to the readers to tell me honestly if I have or have not.

*******************************************

Shiori didn't like sitting so close. She felt trapped and in a way she 
was, she always was. Unable to move and under something eternally more 
spectacular than she could ever be, as if she were a just a shadow and 
not a real girl at all. 

The compact seating was unavoidable though and the gymnasium was over 
run with students who had no hope of escaping the high school 
assembly. Even the more delinquent students could not seem to squirm 
free from the mandatory meeting. She couldn't remember what it was for 
though. She'd lost the little yellow piece of paper that listed the 
events that were to take place. Someone was sure to give a speech 
addressing something dismissive like curfews or dating or staying off 
the college side of the campus. Things no one listened to but 
apparently needed to be said so that the faculty would feel better 
about themselves.

Looking around the gym Shiori noticed that none of the classes were 
sitting together. Freshmen were filtered in with seniors and 
sophomores. Out of the corner of her eye she recognized the boy next 
to her as a lower classmen and suddenly felt undignified. 

She attempted sitting up straight and looking esteemed, but in the 
end, to outside observers, she was a girl pretending to look 
important. And she knew it deep inside, because honestly how could 
anyone think that she, Shiori Takatsuki, was anything but ordinary and 
unworthy, weak. 

Her violet eyes suddenly focused on a stoic looking young woman 
sitting across the way. Watched the auburn haired beauty sit perfectly 
erect and confidently, hazel eyes coldly assessing everything around 
her. Shiori was suddenly very irritated. 'Juri didn't count', she 
thought, 'Juri doesn't count because she is just as fake as I am.'

She nodded her head quickly to confirm the thought, violet locks 
falling out of place and into her eyes. She brushed them aside with 
her petite fingers and went on observing those around her. 

The assembly organizers were fussing over the sound system. They'd tap 
on the microphones and then a shrill wave of feedback would echo out 
of the speakers causing everyone to wince, except those students who 
were too graceful and suave to be bothered with the noise. Like the 
student council president and. the girl next to her. 

Shiori was suddenly very aware of the girl next to her, the way she 
slouched defiantly, the tilt of her head and a scent of some sort of 
spice. With a deep breath she inhaled and wondered how she could have 
ever missed that scent. She knew the girl next to her, the reputation 
and that scent. that was never the same. It changed perennially form 
ginger and Clove cigarettes, to cinnamon, cedar, or anise. Was wildly 
abundant and unwaveringly intoxicating, exotic and.erotic.

No, she shouldn't think that. It was wrong to think that way about 
another girl.to think of someone the same way that Juri thought of 
her, or maybe she didn't anymore.it didn't matter. She couldn't bare 
the thought of being precious to someone. She wasn't special. She just 
was. 

Her heart was pounding though. She knew it was and she was such a 
small girl she was sure that the boy next to her, who was fidgeting 
constantly, could see it trying to burst from her chest. Her eyes shut 
and she focused on making her heart slow, opening again only to be met 
with hazel eyes from across the way. She purposely refused to look 
annoyed, pretending to be disinterested instead. 

And it was then, just as the sound system clicked on and the speeches 
about chastity and dignity began, that Shiori realized Juri wasn't 
looking at her. She followed those overly concerned and wanting hazel 
eyes carefully and to her absolute horror found them locking onto and 
pleading with the wild and erotically scented girl sitting next to 
her. Shiori turned her head to look at the girl and was instantly 
greeted with dark untamed blue eyes. 

In that second of looking there was clear understanding. A story 
unfolding in the blink of an eye, and Shiori knew that Juri wanted the 
girl next to her, and that the girl wanted Juri but was not in anyway 
opposed to wanting and taking Shiori as well. 

She was frightened and disgusted with herself. It was sick, ill, and 
diseased to think of girl's that way. But her hate for what she wanted 
and what she was slid away with the hope that she could finally get 
what she desired.

'Today', Shiori noted, 'Today she smells like cinnamon and mulled 
wine. And she must taste like Christmas.' 

Shiori wanted to know what that was like. She wanted to have a moment 
that she could hate of herself forever before trying to pretend.once 
again and always that she was a normal girl who wanted a boyfriend and 
then a husband. Instead of being what she actually was. a cruel little 
butterfly seeking to be devoured by women who tasted of chaste 
holidays and over grown herb gardens. 

*The moth don't care when he sees the flame
He may get burned but he's in the game
And once he's in he can't go back
He'll beat his wings till he burns them black**

Kozue stopped behind the fencing hall, hopping up onto a small wall 
that bordered an abandoned flowerbed. It was an odd thing to find at 
Ohtori there seemed to be flowers and plants everywhere she walked; 
making a jungle of the school and increasing her belief that she was a 
creature of the wild, not human, not tame, but ferocious and 
predatory. But more and more she felt like a puppy waiting for her 
master to return, and at the same time she felt as if she were just 
expecting another member of her pack. It liked to confuse her so she 
tried not to think of it too much.

Instead as she sat (waiting for a panther, miserably expectant and in 
need of elegant lips devouring her whole) Kozue thought about the 
assembly and Shiori. Her eyes narrowed at the memory of the girl's 
name, and the way it sounded almost like the hiss of a snake or the 
reverent beat of moths wings caught in a web.

Kozue did not care for girls like Shiori. Did not appreciate those 
that put on a play to try and fool the masses into thinking they were 
something sweet and innocent. Shiori was not sweet or innocent. Shiori 
was cruel and regretful. A little girl afraid of being herself because 
others had told her long ago that she would forever be an outcast if 
she in anyway did and said as she felt. 

She sniffed and ran her fingers through her ocean blue hair. A grin 
emerging at what she had seen hidden away in Shiori's violet eyes. All 
that want and need, the perfect agonizing lust and fear permeating the 
air. Kozue could smell it all and it was a victory of sorts. Kozue 
wanted to teach the girl a lesson about the wild. She nodded, yes, 
against her panther's wishes she would teach a lesson. Her eyes caught 
a petite shadow and her grin pushed back revealing her teeth. 

The lesson would start on that night.

"You look far too pleased", a low and wonderful voice stated.

Kozue did not hear the panther approaching; she had been too focused 
on the insect buzzing about in the darkness. She watched the tall and 
sleek young woman move closer replying softly, "I am. I'd tell you why 
but I doubt you'd find it as funny as I do Arisugawa."

"Oh?" 

Juri was a breath away; her eyes failing to discover the mischief that 
Kozue was plotting. And before she could ask further Kozue wrapped her 
legs around Juri's waist pulling her closer. Giggling inwardly as the 
panther leaned in, right knee accepting the tasking of holding her 
weight against the short wall. Kozue didn't waste a breath pressing 
her lips to Juri's, ravenously inviting the kiss to burrow deeper. 

The wild child hummed happily as the fencer's mouth moved to her neck. 
Juri always went there after a kiss, grazing her teeth along Kozue's 
collarbone, to claim and possess. Kozue wanted her there, liked her 
there because it proved that what she and Juri had was not and never 
would be tamed. It would always be animalistic. And as the panther 
continued her venture along the wild girl's neck Kozue made a quick 
check to see if the insect was still around. and happily she was.

Kozue moved to take Juri's lips again, because she and the panther had 
to remember to move to a dorm room before things got any hotter. 
They'd forgotten once or twice before and while no one ever said a 
word about it Kozue was sure that a good number of the students and 
faculty living close by heard ever gasp, moan, cry and whisper of 
pleasure that left her throat. It was so brilliant and perfect that 
Juri could make her lose control of her senses and that she could 
return the sentiment.

There was shift in the shadows and Kozue pushed Juri back.

"Which of us is closer?"

"My room", Juri replied attempting to catch her breath.

"Then we should go there"; Kozue said hopping off the wall and running 
in the direction of Juri's dorm.

Juri stood for a moment subconsciously aware that someone had been 
watching but her desire to continue what had been started overwhelmed 
any true concern. She chased after Kozue quickly, graceful in her 
strides.

There was only quiet in the spot behind the fencing hall. Darkness 
wrapping around the fire that had once resided along the short wall 
that boarded the empty flowerbed. And then there was a soft shuffle; 
the bat of silken wings caught on a thorn or a spark. A cruel 
butterfly stepped out of the shadows she was once made of and leaned 
against the wall. Felt the remaining heat as her heart began to beat 
in sharp bursts and her disgust and desire washed her over. She was 
being slowly tortured by her own mind. Shut her eyes and wished for 
the game to build up speed. Because she wanted, she decided she wanted 
both, to be consumed and ravished by a panther and a wolfish grin.

**The moth don't care if the flame is real
Cos flame and moth got a sweetheart deal
And nothing fuels a good flirtation
Like need and anger, and desperation**

It was a different realm for her, trying to figure out how to flirt 
properly with another girl. She'd always avoided it before because the 
thought made her stomach turn and ache. But now the thought was less 
sickening and more. Shiori couldn't think of a proper word. What was 
it called when your hate and fear of something were over powered by an 
all consuming and viscous lust?

She didn't know. It would have been better if things were reversed. If 
Kozue was the one who made the first move and had all the want, but. 
Girls like that never chased what they knew would willingly walk up 
and beg to be slaughtered. So Shiori was left to ponder how she was 
going to approach the wild fire that was waiting for her. 

Shiori stayed in the shadows watching the way Kozue moved, the way she 
stalked and laughed and after too long a time observing she made her 
descent fluttering by the blue eyed sophomore in the library. Hoping 
and wishing with religious reverence that she was noticed.

And to her surprise she was.

Blue eyes watched her move away and Shiori could feel the younger girl 
abandoning her friends and following. She rounded a corner, a far 
aisle in the library unnoticed and often untouched by the students. 
And when Kozue caught up she reached out with both hands, grabbing at 
the awkward uniform tie and kissed the chuckling girl with all the 
force she could muster. And she wanted to die when the kiss was 
returned with devilish delight.

It seemed that she was moving outside herself at that moment. Her own 
eyes peering at her with great discomfort and appalled at what she was 
doing. 'Disgusting', she could her herself whisper even as she battled 
for more. 'Sick', she slurred as Kozue's hands slid up under her 
blouse and across her chest. 'Foul', even as she mimicked the action 
and loved, craved, wanted, needed the feel of Kozue's skin against her 
own. 'If you continue', her mind finally accused, 'you'll be just like 
her. You are no better than the woman you hate. You and Juri are the 
same and this proves it beyond a doubt. Sick, twisted, foul. this is 
not what you are supposed to want.'

And it was enough. 

Shiori shoved Kozue off of her and ran shouting an incoherent curse as 
she moved. Kozue was right behind her, a wolf on her heels. Wild 
animals do not like to be teased; running only causes them to believe 
the game is moving. Growing deeper, harder, hungry, and begging for an 
end that is powerfully voracious. 

And because she was no more than a butterfly, an insect, Shiori 
quickly found herself trapped at a dead end. The scent of dusty never 
read books cluttering around her, slowly filled with an undertone of 
spice, ginger and. what else? Was it wine? Brandy? No it was hotter, 
cinnamon and cedar.

"I've no time for this", Kozue said as she leaned against a bookshelf 
at the end of the aisle. "If you want then want and be happy to 
receive."

The younger girl was more than an arm's reach away but she felt much 
closer. Shiori's eyes narrowed and Kozue could feel that mask of 
regret and painfully stupid need to be 'normal like everyone else' 
crash in around what she wanted as prey. It was disrupting her lesson. 
It had to go. 

"Just leave me alone", Shiori finally said. "I'm not like that. I 
don't want it. I. hate it and you. I'm not that way."

Kozue crossed her arms over her chest and stared into Shiori for a 
brief moment before striding forward, ignoring the protests she 
received. Pinned the violet-eyed girl against the bookshelf and kissed 
her hard, biting at her lips as she pulled away.

"I hate you", the butterfly hissed.

Kozue sighed she disliked to having to become philosophically rational 
but there was a lesson to teach and everything else needed to be 
forgotten first, "It is, Shiori", the name was said with loving 
contempt, wings caught in a web. "The things we hate that we most fear 
in ourselves. And you can pretend all you want but let's face it you 
want to be just like her." A grin that was beyond wolfish graced her 
face as she watched Shiori's eyes go wide. "You may know what makes 
her weak but you still want that for yourself Shiori. To be noble and 
stoic... a panther and yet an elegant angel fallen to the earth. You 
want to be admired for your strength instead of being protected for 
you weaknesses. And all I want to know all I care about right now...is 
if that is what you want why don't you just make it happen for 
yourself? Believe in miracles? Doesn't it ring a bell? That single 
line made Juri become what she is.what you want."

"I am nothing like her and I never will be", Shiori spat.

"Then prove it."

How do you prove something like that? Shiori wasn't sure. She could 
fly blindly into the wolf's mouth and hope that its jagged teeth would 
not rip into her. She could find a sudden burst of strength and brush 
past without a thought. But weren't those things she'd seen before? 

And then she was intuitively propelled to become what she was. That 
thing deep down inside she didn't want anyone to see because it was 
not polite or sweet, innocent or kind. She took a deep breath and 
closed her eyes. As they opened they grew dark and she took a step 
forward pulling the shadows with her as if they were wings. A soft 
touch pushed Kozue into a bookshelf as her lips swept the pale of the 
girl's neck and tasted. 

Love like hers
Is sticky...tastes of chewing gum
Lip smacking, glossed paradise
Soft like vanilla clouds
Every bit a poet 
She'll sing with a kiss
A killing move if ever I felt one
And in the end
This stickiness
It washes off as soured sweets
Beneath the sheets and deep between
I know it like heartache
When she lets me taste
A love like hers

It wasn't a complete metamorphosis, more like watching a bug crawl out 
of a glass jar with a perforated lid, but nonetheless Kozue felt 
vindicated, a good Samaritan of sorts. Watching Shiori find, for an 
instant, the creature she truly was. 

The violet-eyed girl had long fled the scene though, leaving Kozue to 
bask in the subtle glow of what had been. She sat on her bed with the 
sheets pulled up around her, eyes peering through the window and 
wondering. Wondering what she was going to tell Juri. It wasn't as if 
they were an actual couple. There was nothing owed and really Kozue 
didn't have to tell the panther anything. But the graceful fencer 
would figure it out and what purpose would there be in delaying the 
revelation? 

She sighed. Complicated thing what she and Juri were dabbling with. 
Sex without commitment but a deep regard and like for one another. No, 
Kozue shook her head, even if it wasn't what they wanted, things had 
gotten deeper. She cursed under her breath, not regretting.she could 
not regret if she did she forfeit her title as something wild. Before 
she could explain to herself what it was she really felt someone 
rapped on her door. 

She grabbed an archaic silk robe, topaz embroidered with deep violet 
threads woven into an indescribable pattern. With a tug she slid the 
door open just enough to see who was standing outside. Grinning at her 
misfortune, karma was so unkind to her.

"I'll come back", the fencer said swiftly.

Kozue caught her jacket sleeve," Why?"

"You appear to have company."

"Company's left. a long while ago. Don't be difficult Arisugawa, come 
inside." 

The fencer stepped in slowly eyeing the small room and particularly 
the rumpled bed covers. Tensing as Kozue moved up behind her, wrapping 
her arms around her waist.

"You're so fun when you're suspicious."

"Am I", was all the panther could reply. 

"Very.Juri?"

"Hmm." She squirmed out of the embrace and retreated to the 
uncomfortably plush chair that sat near the door.

"Trying to avoid a fight?"

"Why would we fight Kozue? We are not a couple. I know I have to share 
you."

"You're hurt though."

Juri shook her head and sighed with irritation.

Kozue moved over to the chair and crawled into the panther's lap. 
Surprised when her advances were accepted, blue eyes wide for an 
instant when she noted the slight smudge of lip gloss on the fencer's 
collar. "You had company too."

"I had an encounter. There's a difference."

"Is there?" She looked deep into Juri's eyes and knew what had 
happened, "I think you were one step she wasn't ready to take."

"I don't want to play with her Kozue."

"Because?" She didn't have to ask but she liked to hear the excuses 
out loud, "Because you're afraid of hurting her or having her hurt 
you? Or maybe falling in love with her.again?"

Silence.

"Or all of the above?" 

"She slapped me", Juri confessed her expression that of confusion, 
"She kissed me and then she slapped me."

Kozue shrugged and then leant in, her lips trying to encourage those 
below her.

Juri turned away, "This won't work. Things like this never work."

"An expert already?"

"I don't have to be experienced to know it won't last."

A topaz eyebrow arched, "That's the beauty of it Juri.it doesn't have 
to. What happened in that kiss to make her slap you anyway?"

Hazel eyes shut sadly, "I kissed back."

Was it once deep?
Slippery sweet
Something of passion
Grace and wonder
A kiss of soured need
Lost under the greed
To get off a little steam
A damp spot on your tongue
Little deaths of pleasure
Dripped and wet and.
Well.
Do I still have that flavor dear?

Shiori had been staring at her reflection for over and hour. That 
voice of guilt and disgust rambling on inside her head slinging 
accusations she could not escape. She was wrong. It was wrong. All 
wrong and what had she been thinking to just walk up and kiss Juri 
like that? 

She gritted her teeth at the memory. Such a kiss. The panther had been 
so surprised at first, too surprised to do anything and that was fine. 
It was fine until Shiori let her lips linger too long and suddenly. 
her gaze dropped to the sink and she sobbed. Juri kissed her back but 
that wasn't the problem that wasn't what made it wrong. Sick and ill 
to want something like that, with someone like Juri. Wrong, wrong, 
wrong. She pounded her petite fists against the porcelain sink. 

Her shame, her fears reemerged because what Juri gave back was too 
soft, too sweet, too. Shiori looked at herself in the mirror again, 
eyes red and wet. It had been the kind of kiss that felt like what 
love was supposed to be. After so long avoiding each other how could 
Juri offer up something so beautifully forgiving, trusting, deep and. 
knowing as well.

And still beyond that there was Kozue, and all she had taught. Shiori 
had felt so perfect when she stopped pretending and became what she 
always knew she was. She was reborn and free because she had what she 
wanted a wolf at her door. There was heat and fire, and the poisonous 
butterfly could feel her wings burning away.burning yet still dousing 
the flame, calming the blaze.

It was gone though. It disappeared with one kiss. 

She sank to the tiny patch of linoleum that served as the bathroom 
floor. Leaned against the cold glass door of the shower and continued 
to cry and mentally berate herself.

**The moth don't care if the flame burns low
Cos moth believes in an after glow**

An hour passed and more would have flown by if not for a knock on the 
door. Shiori crawled to the door opening it just enough to see and be 
infuriated at the person on the other side. It was terribly cosmic 
deja vu. 

"Shiori-"

She slammed the door in the fencer's face. She had no desire to relive 
a conversation that had taken place nearly two years earlier over. She 
shook her head. It had been one of her more precious and stupider 
moments crying insanely over Ruka. So stupid, silly. 'Ill, sick', her 
mind chirped, 'that's how you felt when you let him kiss you.'

There was another knock and Shiori swung the door open violently. 

"Go away", she shouted and attempted to slam it shut again but the 
fencer held the door open. She hated that Juri was so much stronger 
than she was.

"Shiori. Stop it." It was clearly unfair that her tone should be so 
light and understanding.

The violet-eyed girl hopped back as Juri entered her dorm, shutting 
the door softly. She watched as the fencer looked about casually and 
was utterly disappointed.

"It's a nice room", Juri said conversationally. "Small but at least it 
has a private bathroom."

"God dammit, Juri don't be so polite with me. Just say what you have 
to and get out."

"Fair enough." She pushed back a flyaway lock of auburn hair and 
leaned against the door. Arms neatly folded across her chest she 
asked, "Why did you kiss me?"

"I didn't"

It was such a foolish lie Juri completely ignored it. She sighed and 
relaxed a bit confessing easily, "I'd been waiting for you to do that 
since we were thirteen, gave up on it ever happening.God I used to 
love you." The last sentence was a whispered exclamation.

"You never.you never told me that", Shiori replied calmly, feeling for 
once, greatly equal to the fencer.

"No I never did. I couldn't. I'm sorry."

"I hate you."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"I think you should leave." Shiori tried to keep her temper. "Get 
out."

"No", Juri defiantly stood her ground, moving closer. "No you haven't 
answered me yet."

"I never said I would."

"Shiori-"

"Get out!"

"Tell me why and I will."

"No."

"Ok. fine. Don't tell me but you have to answer at least one thing 
Shiori. I'll leave if you answer one thing."

She growled in reply.

Juri exhaled a deep breath, her eyes lost and lonely that expression 
that made her look so beautiful, "Are you in love with her?"

"Get out", she charged forward. "Get out I don't have to answer that!"

They stood toe to toe hateful violet stinging sad hazel eyes. Juri 
could feel the girl's rage and part of her wanted to just give up and 
walk away but she couldn't. So she closed her eyes and whispered, 
"Because I think.against all better judgement. I think I love her. And 
if you love her too I can handle having to share her."

"Don't say things like that Juri.Don't", she tried not to whimper. "It 
doesn't sound like you."

"No", she put her hand on the petite girls' shoulder. 

Shiori shivered, "No." She looked away and stepped back, "I kissed you 
because I wanted to play." She grinned, sad and distant. "But I wasn't 
ready. not for what you offer."

"And what is that?"

"The promise of maybe. You offer up too much for something so simply 
given. It isn't fair to do that to someone like me." 

"Shiori." Juri stepped in closer and at first it seemed as if she were 
just going to offer an embrace but instead she leant down. Her lips 
resting briefly on the petite girl's forehead. She pulled away ready 
to leave stopped by the feather light urgency of sweetly poisoned lips 
upon her own. 

They would have stayed locked there in that moment, past secrets 
learning to live in what could have been, but there was a knock on the 
door that would not be ignored. Lessons needed to be concluded so that 
the butterfly could finally escape her chrysalis of shame and doubt.

**But flames are never doused completely
All you really need is a love for heat**

The room was warm, flushed with heat; a sacred fire cooling into 
sparks. A steady rhythm of sleep moved through the darkness. Shadows 
rested like wings on a petite girl's pale back; a panther nuzzled 
closer.

And. 

A wild child lay between them dreaming of the day that it would end, 
because it wouldn't last. It couldn't. 

The butterfly would lapse back into her fears, perhaps.
Forget her lessons. 

Or the panther would fall in love... if she were not in love already.

And the wild one. She'd fight too hard to remain as she was. 

The panther stirred and Kozue stroked the back of her neck. 

"Afraid", was the low whisper.

"Never", Kozue replied. 'Deeply, dreadfully', she thought.

"Liar."

"Of course."

"She loves you."

"I know."

"I love you."

Something painful caught in Kozue's throat but she managed to whisper, 
"Since when?"

"Always."

The butterfly stirred then, her lips lazily gracing soft clove scented 
skin. Her wings beat and roused the flame that had been fading. 
Forcing the panther and the wild child to forget the decisions they 
were about to make.

Yes one day, it was going to end. It had to, but how and when was a 
distant thing not to be thought of. In the present there was still 
time to play. Time to teach lessons. Time to posses and be possessed. 
Time to watch a butterfly made of shadow enjoy her cruelty. Time for a 
panther to decide if she could wait for a wild child to love her back. 
And time enough for the girl with a wolfish grin to enjoy the freedom 
of being so close. She liked being close, it made her feel real. The 
room smelled of smoke, spice, holidays and gardens. It offered a 
feeling of satisfaction and the promise of what maybe, could have 
been, possibly was, almost, true.

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