Only a Dream Away
I feel at ease here, in the rose garden. Within this maze of intricately
curved steel bars and glass windows, my loneliness dissipates as the
heavy, intoxicating scent of freshly watered beauties permeates the air.
Perhaps that is why I find myself amongst the roses more often than not.
I brush a lavender strand of hair behind my ear as I pluck an aphid off
a tender green leaf. I have been here for hours. Time seems to pass
quickly in this place. My back aches with a dull throb from the
heaviness of the watering can, but it pleases me to see a job well done.
My gaze turns upward to the top of my enclosed enviroment.
"I am a bird, and this is my cage," I murmur to myself. Raising a
slender arm, I grab one of the vines above and shake gently, sending a
colorful cascade of petals streaming down all around me. Setting the now
empty can aside I pick up the small wicker basket left by the gardens
entrance and gather handfuls of the fallen treasures. They are light and
silky between my fingers. Burying my face in my hands I run my lips
across a few of the stray petals. They taste.like snow and sunshine,
piano melodies and laughter. They taste like faraway exotic places that
I want to someday visit, like warm weeping feathers, and crystals
wrapped lovingly in early morning dew. They taste like heaven. I flick
my tongue against the delicate sweetness. I bet your lips taste like
this. It is getting dark now, and as much as I would like to stay, I
know it's time to head back. I finish filling the basket, give the
flowers one last wistful glance, and exit the garden, stepping into the
night.
The cool wind caresses the back of my neck like a lovers whispered
breath. It's completely dark now, and there are no others out on the
campus. The moon is my only companion this evening. I wrap my free arm
across my chest in an effort to warm myself, and suppress a sigh. I wish
I were in your arms right now, safe and comforted by your strong
embrace. I blink in confusion. Wait, that isn't right. I am the Rose
Bride, a mere doll with no heart. All of my emotions died a long time
ago, didn't they?
For most of my life, I've wandered around in what seemed to be a dream.
People come in and out of my life, brushing past me like shadows.
Nothing matters. Nothing is important. I exist, but I don't live. I
died a long time ago, and no one can save me now. In the beginning,
when the duels began, I felt differently about that. When the student
council was formed I thought that perhaps one of them could be my
prince. Surely one of those duelists would be pure enough, noble enough
to be given the power to revolutionize the world, right? So the dueling
game began, and I painfully learned about the wasteful weaknesses of
humanity. There is no hope. Only a very long string of disappointments
wait those foolish enough to seek salvation.
First I was engaged to Miki. It did not last very long. He was young,
and quite naïve. Right from the start he was kind. He talked to me
with respect, and we spent much time together. I will say, he was a
decent companion. Some say he adored me. But I know the truth. After a
time, something in him shifted. Miki stopped seeing me as Anthy, as a
person. In fact, he stopped seeing me at all. His eyes glazed over when
he turned my way, and it was then that I realized that to him I was only
a projection of his own desires. I became a possession, an image of the
Rose Bride-nothing more. The dream I bore in my heart of being saved, of
being real, was buried under the smoldering reality of my existence.
There is nothing else. There is no prince. After realizing this I
stopped caring what happened to Miki during the duels. Soon after, he
was beaten-by Juri.
At first, being engaged to a woman seemed strange. The habits of women
are different from those of men. She didn't spend much time with me in
public like Miki did. But I liked the way she clumsily reached for me
in the dark, in her bed, dropping an arm across my waist groggily.
Everyone admired Juri, so I felt honored to be her bride at first
anyway. After a few weeks however, she changed, as all things do.
Something began to eat at her, making her cold and bitter. She began
murmuring to herself when she though I wasn't around, and her hands flew
furiously to her breast quite often to wrap possessively around the
locket of gold which hung there. I cared about Juri, more than I did for
Miki. I desperately wanted to help her, to make her love me. Then maybe
she could have escaped the demons that tortured her sleep. I wasn't
strong enough. Juri just became more and more engrossed in her mutilated
past. There was nothing I could do to save her, or myself. She couldn't
love me after all. Why would she? I'm not even real. I slowly began to
hate her for being so weak. How could anyone allow themselves to be held
captive by their own emotions? Pathetic. Someone that fragile could not
hope to gain the power of revolution. So she lost in the next duel, and
I was thrust into the arms of a living nightmare-Saiounji.
If things were bad with the previous duelists, I soon found that they
were nothing compared to this. I was mildly surprised when he revealed
his vicious cruelty. But that soon gave way to morbid apathy. I never
responded to his abuse. Never. He struck me across the face, and left
blue marks all over my skin. I watched as he pulled out the blood from
my body in long threads of purple and rouge. He bound my hands behind me
and made me do things. I never cried, I never struggled. Why bother? But
oh how I hated him. Soon I couldn't even remember who I was or what my
own thoughts were anymore. I remember one time I threw my hand into a
mirror. It scattered shards of my broken reflection across the room. I
watched the crimson streams flow down my arm. Yes. I could feel this at
least. My sleep began to be filled with strange images. I dreamt I was
locked in a coffin. I wanted to get out, but I just didn't know how.
Then, I heard the lid open, felt warm, clear air rush in, and a voice
saying softly, "Someday, we'll shine together." I brushed the dream
aside, what are dreams worth anyway? But then...but then you came along.
You beat Saiounji in a duel and took me for your own. That was quite a
while ago, and we are still together. It's different now. You are not
like them, not like anyone else I've ever known. You can have all the
power in the world, but for some reason, all you seem to care about is
making me happy. There is a song in the breeze now that I can no longer
ignore. There is a skip in my step that I can't pretend doesn't exist.
Something has changed, but what?
All of these memories have made my head ache a little. Before I know
it, I have arrived home. The door to our room is unlocked, but the
lights are all out. I flip on the switch and look around. You aren't
here. Now I remember, you said this morning that you had a date tonight
with the student council president, with Touga. My eyes darken and black
butterflies swarm into my heart. Their wings are razor sharp. You don't
care about me after all, you love...you love Touga, not me. How could I
have forgotten, that it is he who you come home and talk about. It is
with him you would rather be with. Again, I am nothing. Nothing at all.
I slump into a nearby chair, letting the petal-filled basket fall at my
side. Why should it matter, what does this mean to me? I never
anticipated being more than the Rose Bride, so...why? The answer rises
up instinctively. I love you. I sit up straight as tears roll down my
face. Somewhere along the way I have fallen in love with you. Despite
the fact that I have no heart, and despite the fact that I am not real,
I love you. I smile. It feels so good to know the truth now. This is my
revolution. You helped me to break free of the world in which I was
trapped. You are my prince, and you saved me from nothingness, from
myself. I walk over to our bed and shower it with the petals I have
collected. My hands joyously let loose a myriad of colors, and they look
so beautiful falling on top of the covers like this. They look like
eternity. I don't know how to tell you how I am feeling. I don't know
how to say, I love you. But I hope you will see this and know, even if
you do not feel the same way about me. Soon the bed is covered with rose
petals, and I turn the lights back out, sit down in a chair, and wait
for your return.
It isn't long before you arrive. I hear your hand on the doorknob, your
hand against the wall, seeking the light switch. When the room is bright
you see me and gasp.
"Anthy, you scared me! I thought you'd be in bed by now!" Your face
softens and she relaxes. "Thank you for waiting for me, it was sweet of
you."
I smile. "Not at all Utena-sama, how was your date with Touga?"
You sigh as you approach me. "Well, it was pleasant enough, but I...he
just doesn't make me happy like I thought he would. He isn't..." You
trail off suddenly, seeing the bed for the first time. You leave my side
and walk over to it silently. My chest is pounding. Will you know what
I'm feeling? Will you understand? You laugh suddenly, loudly and
exuberantly, and you jump on the bed, causing a few of the petals to fly
up and get lost in a tangle of your pink hair. "Come here Anthy," you
say as you gesture for me to come over. I walk shyly over to the side of
the bed. You reach out, grab my hand, and pull me down to you. Our faces
are inches apart and I can feel a light blush arise. Your eyes are clear
and wonderful. "Anthy, thank you so much...for everything. And I love
you too!" Every conscious thought leaves me as you tilt my head back to
press your lips lovingly to mine. I can't believe it. This is it; this
is what a miracle feels like. This is what being alive feels like. I
can't believe this joy is mine. And you were only a dream away the whole
time.
"There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again.
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.
Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it seems that my dreams are so far,
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours,
I pray to be only yours,
I know now, you're my only hope."
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