Midnight Blue
The sky above was a deep bleeding red as the sun set in the distance.
No clouds covered the sky; just the red that seemed to come from a
wound made deeper by everything she was feeling. She pulled her knees
into her chest with a deep breath, ocean blue eyes searching for
answers amid the strange colors the sky reflected on the ground.
Shadows that were not black but a deep violet, the green of the grass,
which looked oddly brown and wilted, caught her eye. Why Ohtori had to
be such a moody campus was beyond her? Why it seemed to breathe and
cast its emotions upon the landscape was yet another mystery she never
cared to discern.
The soft pad of footsteps behind her caused her to shift slightly. She
sneered as her twin wandered over to her. Concern laced across his
entire being, a sad pleading in his eyes, and that brightness, that
light she was slowly learning to live with. Light she no longer wished
to sully but God be damned if she was going to let her brother's light
wash away her dark. She needed that dirt her on her. She needed
something that would keep her wild side alive even as it was being
tamed by everything she was feeling. Her teeth clenched tight, Kozue
Kaoru prayed that her sibling would leave her alone. Wished upon wish
that he would not ask what was wrong, but her wish, her prayers...as
always went unanswered, fell to the deaf ears of the Fates and Furies.
He cleared his throat awkwardly and then took a seat next to his
sister on the dusty sofa that cluttered their porch. "K-Kozue? Kozue
are you...are you going out tonight?"
She shook her head and focused on the sky which was drifting slowly to
a darker color, not black... more midnight purple, regal but light.
"Um..." He didn't know what to say to her. He never did. When they
were getting along things were great, but when something was bothering
Kozue...or if the two were fighting then he lost his voice completely.
"Kozue are you...Alright?"
With a huff of irritation she dipped her gaze and uttered a cold,
"No."
His baby blue eyes wide with surprise he sputtered for a verbal
response or question. Managing, ultimately to say only, "Oh." He
grimaced and then asked, "Anything I can do?"
"Go away and leave me alone."
"But-"
"Miki..." She stared him down, finding a bit of the wild animal left
in her. "I don't want to talk about it."
Defeated easily he removed himself from the couch and began to walk
back into the house. Looking over his shoulder once to say, "If you
ever need me...I'm here you know?"
Kozue shut her eyes to keep hold on her icy tone, "Fine."
"K-Kozue...please I..." he sadly looked away.
Out of no where and for reasons she could not even explain she stated,
in her same cold and collected tone, "We broke up."
Miki tensed and then whispered, "I see." Before reentering the house.
**Blood stained on an ageless sky
Wipe your tears and let the salt stains dry
Let them all run dry, All run dry...**
What had she become?
The answer ate at her with a chilled bitterness. She'd been tamed. It
wasn't her fault. She was led into captivity, seduced, lured
and....She stood up and walked out into the yard, over run with weeds
and grass badly in need of trimming. Kicked a few stones away as
harshly as she could and then her shoulders rolled forward as a dry,
tearless, soundless sob, left her. She could not place blame anywhere
but herself.
Three months...For three months she had run side by side a panther in
the jungle that was Ohtori. She'd played and fought, and loved...A
tree stood in her way and Kozue slammed her fist into the trunk,
forgetting the pain it caused as she repeated the action a few more
times. Resorting to kicking the defenseless oak when her fingers began
to swell. She hated the word. Wanted nothing to do with it because it
was light and bright, something that destroyed the shadows she was so
comfortable with.
And it was that light...angelically waiting and calling her closer
that made her break things off. Made her say things that could not be
taken back. A wild thing so afraid of complete capture she had no
choice... no choice but to sully everything. Introduce the dark and
make her get away, but she couldn't get away. Couldn't escape what she
felt and feared, what she wanted and needed, craved... How she craved.
Three months together, and three weeks apart and Kozue had been stuck
in the same foul mood since she ended it. She was actually surprised
it took her brother so long to talk to her. Surprised the entire
campus wasn't in an uproar of gossip, but then no one really knew
about it. The panther was careful that way, and as a wild animal Kozue
wasn't about to admit to the public that she'd given up hunting to
settle. No she refused to settle.
She slumped against the tree as true wear took her over. Her back
sliding against the trunk as she slowly met the dusty ground.
Shivering at the cold chill that liked to follow warm days. She opened
her eyes. The dark canopy of the branches looking ready to devour the
star filled sky, blurring as the first true tears she'd allowed
herself since childhood swept her under in a currant of melancholy.
She pulled her knees into her chest and sobbed out loud.
It wasn't supposed to be that way. She was never meant to feel
anything for those she took into bed. She was the one always in
control, always out ahead in the lead. But she lost herself somewhere.
Somewhere the game lost direction, the thrill of breaking a heart lost
its edge and mystique. She'd run out of power to wield over another.
There weren't any new games to play. There was only the longing for
something new, fun, and wild. Yes, wild because how could anything
else give her what she needed. What she needed? She silently damned an
unseen prince for planting the seed of change. Things would have been
simpler if everything had just stayed the same.
**For time will catch us in both hands
To blow away like grains of sand
Ashes to ashes rust to dust
This is what becomes of us**
Kozue finally picked herself off the ground and walked back to her
house halted by a familiar shadow, sleek and stoic. She hoped the
night was enough to hide her face and her reddened eyes. She let the
shadowed figure approach her, something about confronting the panther
just made her ill and besides she had broken up with panther...why
should it be her crawling back and begging. She chuckled softly the
thought of Juri Arisugawa begging to be taken back was just
preposterous.
"Can we talk", Juri asked in a tone so low it was a near whisper.
Kozue attempted a scoff, "What's to say?"
Hazel eyes narrowed and even with the night growing increasingly dark,
a bitter black, the young woman's subtle expressions could be read.
"Don't try and pretend with me. We've plenty to discuss", she growled.
"Why? Didn't you hear me clearly three weeks ago?" Kozue tried her
best at cruelty. "It's over. The game was fun but I'm tired and
we...are through."
"Then why were you crying", the panther asked gently, stepping closer.
"I wasn't." She made a move to brush past the older girl but was
caught. "Juri I swear if you don't let me go I'll kick your ass into
next week", she spat as she struggled against the fencer's grip.
"I'm sure you'd like to try", Juri replied as she loosed her hold.
"Lies do not suit you Kozue."
"Fuck off", she growled and stomped into the house, knowing she was
followed. She turned to face the panther under the dim lights of the
living room. "Are you deaf Arisugawa? Go away!"
The angelic panther stood her ground, shoulders straightening, eyes
unreadable and set a strange expression on her face. Prepared for
anything, everything, even the sting, harsh and vicious across her
cheek.
Kozue panted. Rage over taking her. She wanted to be alone. She wanted
to be free of whatever hold the young woman before her had. She
wanted...she...wanted. Teeth tightly clenched she hissed, "Take a hint
and find another prize you heartless bitch. I don't want you."
Juri nodded and stepped closer.
The wild child she had once been and was Kozue balled up her fist and
went to strike, caught quickly by stronger hands and tossed over to
the sofa. Sitting in shock as the panther paced before her, a cat in a
cage.
***And all the winter snow has melted now
Into a pool of silver water
And we were standing in a thundercloud
Dark as your hair
Dark as your hair***
Watching Juri stalk back and forwards in front of her Kozue was
tempted to fear what was to come, but she didn't. Juri would never
hurt her, but just what exactly was she trying to do? What was the
panther up to? Finally the young woman stopped pacing and stepped over
to the couch.
"Look me in the eye", the angelic fencer began. "And tell me the last
three months were nothing but a game?"
She stood and stepped in as close as she could to the panther, looked
up into fiery hazel eyes and said, "It was just a game."
"And now", Juri requested. "Look me in the eye and tell me you want me
to leave you alone, never look your way again."
"I…" Her insides raged. Fighting against all she was as she replied
shakily and barely able to keep eye contact, "I never…I never want…"
And then she looked away, falling forward into the panther's arms.
"Are you going to keep running from me", Juri asked softly holding
Kozue close. "Because if you are you should know… I run very fast.
I'll always catch up."
**** Darling don't you understand
I feel so ill at ease
The room is full of silence and it's getting hard to breathe
Take this guilted cage of pain and set me free
Take this overcoat of shame
It never did belong to me
It never did belong to me
I need to go outside
I need to leave the smoke 'cause
I can't go on living in this same sick joke
It seems our lives have taken on a different kind of twist****
Kozue pushed away. She couldn't take much more. She didn't want this.
She backed into the couch and then sat with her head in her hands.
Closed her eyes tight as she felt Juri sit beside her, and she was
torn between beating the panther into leaving and just sinking into
the inevitable. There were so many things she didn't wish to let go
of. Pieces of her self that if vanished she didn't know what could
possibly be left. Who was she if she was not the wild creature of the
campus…the breaker of hearts, the wolf in the wood waiting for the
next basket of goodies…ready to entice with promises of a lovely
bouquet of flowers?
Silence still and all around she felt Juri's arm sling over her
shoulder. Hating that the auburn haired beauty could, without saying a
word, make her understand exactly what was being felt, ask without
asking things Kozue never could say 'no' to. There was danger to
denying her instincts and she knew deep down even the wildest parts
her of her…urged and pulled her into Juri's general direction. Even as
the fencer was, controlled and sophisticated, angelic and beautiful
there was no denying that part of the fencer that was truly untamable.
"Don't do this to me Juri", Kozue finally said softly. "We can't
last."
"Not like this we can't", the panther agreed. With her free hand she
pulled Kozue's gaze towards her. Brushed her thumb over the wild
girl's soft salt stained cheek and looking her dead in the eye
whispered, "I love you."
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't say that." Kozue stood up quickly. "You can't…you… don't…you
don't…" And she knew how desperate and pleading it sounded, but what
else was left to say. She could cuss and hit and fight all she wanted,
but Juri meant what she said. And Kozue felt the same.
Thoughts were halted for a moment as the sound of feet jogging down
the front stairs caught both girls' attentions.
"I'm going to the-" Miki stopped half way down the steps feeling and
looking like a deer about to be attacked by a pack of wolves. He
smiled nervously looking back between his sister and his best friend
and then bolted down the steps and out the door muttering quickly,
"Gotta go. Library…studying… test… scary…"
****For we have fallen from our shelves
To face the truth about ourselves
And we have tumbled from our trees
Tumbled from our trees****
The quiet that followed Miki's quick departure seemed to last forever.
Neither Juri nor Kozue moved from their spots. Until the panther
decided to stalk closer and reach out a hand, which was not batted
away, and placed it carefully on Kozue's shoulder.
"Juri can't you just let me be?"
"No." The stoic fencer pulled the wild child closer and tilted her
head up.
Ocean blue eyes shut, banishing the dim light, the sight of something
bright, and hoping that with the brief bit of dark there would be a
proper excuse that Juri would buy. There was nothing, but a faint call
at the back of her mind, the hollow of her soul, the shadow lands of
her heart, like the beat of ancient drum to something primitive and…
animalistic, base and wild. It sang and growled for her to forget the
past. It assured the self, made a promise that what she was feeling
was nothing tame. Over and over until she felt herself sinking in,
arms holding her close and soft lips upon her own. And she knew it was
not love that fought to tame her, but fear. Love ran ragged in all
directions, devoured and played in the wild.
** Sweetheart
Take me to bed
That's where all our prayers are said
Whispered silent in the night
That's how all our dreams take flight
Let them all go by
All go by...**
It was colder than she expected that evening. Clouds sweeping over the
night sky promising of rain and never delivering. The morning was sure
to be bright and warm, the afternoon too hot and humid but she didn't
really care. Nuzzling closer to the girl in her bed, lips brushing
against an elegant collarbone and smiling as athletic arms squeezed
around her. She sighed and the panther holding her followed her lead.
"What are you thinking", Juri whispered bringing her fingers to play
through Kozue's topaz hair.
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
Kozue sat up slightly; resting on her elbow to look down into deep
hazel pools that in the dark of the room looked a deep forest green.
"You're questioning my apology?"
"Are we going to fight over this now?" She smirked playfully. "Don't
be sorry."
"I love you…" She dipped down to claim the angelic beauty's lips.
Still wary of how deeply the sentiment was returned, but she tossed
the fear aside as her fencer's graceful fingers tickled up her spine.
"We won't be able to walk in the morning if you keep that up."
"You started it."
A wolfish grin played across her face. "Oh did I?"
Juri nodded and then whispered, "Besides you're right…we won't be able
to walk in the morning."
"That a challenge?"
"Maybe…"
"Have I told you how much I love maybes?"
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