In Hiding
Juri sat in the cafe, clutching a cup of hot tea in her hands.
It was nearly ninety degrees outside, but she still felt cold. The
tea went down her throat, hit the ice inside her, then just dissolved.
Not that she expected much. It wasn't as if she were sick or
anything. She was just dead inside. Complete and total death, the
kind that can never be recovered from.
Two weeks earlier, she had received her heart's desire. The one
thing she'd hoped for above all else, the love that was so pure it
burned her. Her miracle. Her best friend, Shiori Takatsuki, had
admitted that she had fallen in love with Juri. And Juri had held
her, and told her that was wonderful, and they had to talk about this
as soon as they could.
And then she'd left early that morning, leaving a cursory note on
the dresser.
Those who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat it,
Juri had once read. Apparently it must not have registered, or else
she would never have done this, would never have reenacted their
parting so long ago.
Shiori at least had the innocent cruelty of youth as an excuse.
She was young, she was emotional, and she didn't know the truth. What
she did was, in a way, perfectly understandable.
Juri was eighteen years old, knew exactly how Shiori felt, and
made her decision coolly and calmly. And what she did was utter
madness. It was
cruel -- calculatingly cruel. Treating her as someone unable to make
her own decisions. Unable to realize what was best for her. She
pictured Shiori reading the note, furious because once again Juri had
selfishly done what she thought was best, even if it ruined both of
them.
She kept telling herself this. Telling herself how stupid, and
selfish, and insane she was being. Telling herself to get up, stop
reveling in her misery, go to the hotel she knew Shiori would be at
by now in Lyons, and beg her for forgiveness.
And here she sat, not moving, just sipping at her now tepid cup
of tea. Not daring to be happy. It had been so long it might kill
her. No, that wasn't even true. She had been happy recently.
Dancing with Shiori, that night in the club. Watching her be so free,
and smiling like an angel, and her body bouncing up and down in ways
that made Juri regret she was so repressed.
And Juri danced too, and she had started to smile without
realizing it. She was suddenly thinking that this was exactly what
she needed. Being with Shiori, doing things, being friends, being
happy... it was her dream. Her miracle. All she had to do was sit
back and enjoy it, let it wash over her.
But the real world didn't work like that. The real world didn't
slowly iris out on the happy couple, together after such a prolonged
struggle, living happily ever after. The real world had Shiori in bed
a week later, moaning erotically in her sleep, causing Juri to almost
go out of her mind with arousal. The real world had a shameful Shiori
spending the night writing in her journal, not daring to go back to
sleep in case Juri attempted to molest her there and then.
The real world moved too fast, made things feel all wrong. It
had Shiori say that she loved Juri, the words Juri had heard in her
dreams for the last five years. But now she was paranoid, and the
words sounded false and fake. She imagined twisted scenarios,
situation where her lusts reached out and overpowered Shiori, made her
have these feelings.
"Juri-san? Is that you?"
Her spiraling monologue of self-pity was interrupted by a voice
coming from over her left shoulder. She turned, and saw an open,
smiling face framed by a short bob of bright pink hair.
*That's wrong,* Juri mused. *Her hair should be longer...*
Then the world started to get hazy, and she felt herself
falling...
***
She woke up in someone else's bed, staring up at a low ceiling.
For a moment, she simply sat there, processing the usual information
one does when one has just woken up in a strange bed. Small but well-
furnished room, door to the left, window to the right with the sun
streaming through it. Dresser by the bed, with a vase of lilies by
it.
Juri blinked. That was wrong, surely. There shouldn't be lilies
by a bed, there should be...
Roses.
Ah. Now it all makes sense. No wonder we all lost our memory.
It's only natural when you experience utter trauma.
Juri prided herself on her poise and calm. Even in the worst
situations, she would face things with a clear head. And this would
be no different. She'd simply sit back, think about the memories that
had now returned to her, and...
OH god. Oh GOD. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD...
She threw her back up against the headboard, trying to stop her
entire body from trembling. But her hands still shook, couldn't stop
shaking as she clutched at the cotton sheets. She bent over,
hyperventilating. Shiori and black roses and Ruka and cars and ends
of the world and Akio and rose brides and duels and I believe in
miracles miracles miracles...
"Juri-san! Juri-san, can you hear me? It's OK. You're all
right!"
Juri shuddered again, staring at the face of the young woman who
had just come through the door. Utena Tenjou. Someone who remained
utterly recognizable, even with her hair cut short as it was. Someone
who Juri once thought she would never, ever forget. Except she had.
Strangely, it was Utena's face that enabled Juri to once again
get a grip on herself. She pulled away, a red flush coming to her
cheeks. "I'm alright now. I'm fine," she murmured, in a voice far
too soft for her liking. Utena smiled nervously and moved back,
allowing Juri to regain control of her personal space.
After another few seconds of heavy breathing, Juri stared back at
Utena more closely. She wasn't quite the same stubborn and naive girl
Juri had known at Ohtori. The face was leaner and more mature,
fitting well with the short bob haircut. Her clothing was loose and
baggy, hiding her figure much more than it had before. The eyes were
still the same, though. The ones that managed to see so much, yet
still be utterly blind.
Utena wriggled a bit under Juri's stare, and stepped back
further. "I took you back to our place... I really didn't know what
to do after you fainted. Are you feeling all right, Juri-san? I
don't think I'd ever imagined you fainting."
Our place? Juri filed that aside for the moment, and shook her
head. "Tenjou-san, may I ask you a question or two?"
Utena blinked. "Um... sure, I guess..."
Juri pondered the best way to put things. Utena remembered her
quite clearly, that much was certain. Was she exempt from the mass
memory loss that had plagued the rest of Ohtori? Admittedly, it had
happened right after Utena 'left'. And there was also the question of
how involved Utena might still be with Akio Ohtori and his
machinations. She had to be careful.
"Am I the first person from Ohtori you've met since you left?"
That was safe enough. And if it was the case, it might explain
Utena's surprise at seeing Juri faint. It wouldn't be much of a
surprise; how many Ohtori graduates ended up in Paris?
"Well, yeah... I was surprised to see you too. Didn't expect
anyone from Ohtori to show up in Paris." Utena's tone was light, but
she was watching Juri's face closely.
It suddenly dawned on Juri that Utena was likely just as paranoid
as Juri was. It made sense; she would feel the same way if their
situations were reversed. Suspicion fit Utena poorly, though. Juri
felt a need to deal with it quickly, to get Utena's natural optimism
back.
"I'm not a spy from Akio Ohtori, if that's what you're thinking."
Juri tried to make her reply calm and deliberate.
Utena's response was equally calm. "That's pretty much exactly
what I was thinking, yeah. But I admit you weren't what I was
expecting. If Akio meant to send a spy, I'm sure he'd send someone
unconnected with my past. He's not stupid."
"No, he's not," Juri said quietly. "How much do you know about
Ohtori after you left it?"
Utena shrugged. "Next to nothing. It's not the sort of thing I
wanted to do."
Juri nodded; she'd expected as much. "After you left, everyone
involved with the duels forgot all about them - and you. We had vague
memories of the academic side of things, but that was about it. Akio
somehow expunged you from our minds absolutely."
Utena gaped for a moment. "I... I..."
Juri sighed. "I imagine seeing you again was enough to remove
whatever mental block he'd put in my head. And that suddenly getting
a year's worth of horrific memories made me collapse."
Utena stood there for a moment, seemingly taking this in. She
then took a step back. "I think Anthy's finished making the tea.
I'll get you a cup. Black?"
"Please," Juri nodded as Utena left. She wasn't sure how urgent
the tea was, or if Utena simply wanted to get away from Juri and think
for a bit. Not that she minded; Juri needed to formulate what she was
going to do now. She had her memories back. A large part of the last
two years' paranoia was gone. So: how did this change her life?
Not much at all, she realized after a while. In fact, it made
things worse. Now she had more guilt and loathing about past
encounters to add to her litany. She had always remembered how she
treated Shiori on her return, but now she remembered the sword being
pulled from her, agonizing pain as Shiori walked away to fight a
useless duel. She'd remembered the ride in Akio's car, but now she
had the context behind it, the fear as she gave in to Ruka's demands
in order to save Shiori from Akio's mad plans. Not that it had done
any good.
No. None of the memories really changed anything. She shouldn't
be with Shiori, shouldn't be around her at all. It was bad for both
of them. Shiori needed someone stronger than Juri, someone able to
give her the love and attention she needed. Not some emotional
cripple.
Suddenly Juri froze, recalling Utena's words. Her eyes widened.
"Anthy..." she murmured.
It seemed that some things hadn't changed. When it came to the
truly important things, Utena was still as blind as ever.
***
Juri had made it to the hallway. She was still dizzy, and didn't
feel like she would be able to walk more than a few yards. But that
was irrelevant; she had to get out. She remembered Akio now, and he
still terrified her, but not half as much as his sister...
"I've brought you your tea, Juri-san."
Juri spun, her eyes wide. There she was in the kitchen doorway,
her hair cascading down her back, a teacup in hand. Utena was nowhere
in sight. Juri felt her knees give way, and slid down the wall, a
hand out in front of her.
She saw Anthy's smile vanish, and a resigned look replace it.
Anthy then walked quickly into the bedroom, returning without the tea.
She reached out a hand. "Please, let me help you up."
Juri shook her head, staring at the floor. This was ridiculous.
She was acting like some sort of rabid animal. Anthy wasn't a
goddess, or a demon, merely another woman like herself. She'd be
damned if she would accept her help, but she wasn't going to be afraid
of her.
And she was talking nonsense in any case. Of course Anthy wasn't
just another woman. That was the POINT.
She put her hands to the floor and shoved herself to her feet.
The room still swayed alarmingly, and Juri realized that if she tried
leaving, she'd just end up in a heap right outside the door. So she
stumbled back into the bedroom, taking care to avoid the hand Anthy
offered. After a moment it was withdrawn, and Anthy looked more
uncertain. Good, there was a first.
She ended up falling face first onto the bed and just lay there
for a moment, letting her brain relax and try to sort itself out some
more. She heard the door close behind her, but no footsteps. She
still knew Anthy was there without even bothering to look.
"Where's Utena?" Juri asked after a couple of minutes.
She fell onto her side, and saw Anthy looking out the window at
the Parisian skyline. "She's gone for a walk." There was a long
pause. "We had a fight."
Juri wasn't sure what to say to that. If anything. She didn't
want to be having this conversation. She lay there for a while,
trying to gain some equilibrium.
Unfortunately, Anthy didn't seem all that eager to continue any
conversation either. The room was falling into that heavy awkward
silence mode Juri despised so much. She enjoyed peace and quiet, but
there was a difference between silences, and this was a heavy,
repressed silence that hung in the air.
She had to break it. "I find it difficult to imagine you arguing
with anyone. Particularly Utena Tenjou."
Anthy turned from the window, her face blank. "We're not at
Ohtori anymore. Things aren't a storybook romance."
"You mean you can't manipulate her like you did there," Juri
spat. She was appalled that Anthy was here trying to unburden herself
to Juri.
"In a sense, I suppose. But the reason for the fight is the
blinders were pulled from both our eyes when we left Ohtori. And
every time I do something that reminds her of the old Rose Bride, she
gets upset. When I make tea for guests. When I clean the apartment.
Whenever I do anything that might at all imply I am subservient to
her."
Juri raised an eyebrow at that, but didn't say anything. She
wasn't here to psychoanalyze their relationship. It sounded like two
people who didn't know each other well enough discovering that neither
was the perfect rose they fell in love with.
After a moment, Anthy gave another heavy sigh, and walked over to
the side of the bed. "Did you want to know where Shiori-san is now?
You have her timetable, she hasn't varied from it."
Juri froze. "You've been spying on us."
"Of course," Anthy said. "You graduated from Ohtori and
immediately came on a trip that would take you right near Utena. And
if you think you are suspicious of my motives, then imagine how
suspicious I am of my brother's."
For a moment, Juri just stood in stunned silence. Then she
laughed out loud. "I give up. I really, truly don't want to know. I
don't know what Utena saw in you then, and I still don't." She took a
deep breath. "Can you see what Shiori is doing now?" She hated
asking the question, but if Anthy was still this big of a threat she
needed to know in order to protect Shiori.
Anthy looked confused for a moment and then smiled. "I'm not at
Ohtori anymore, Juri-san. I can't use power that way. I hired a
private detective to follow the two of you, the way normal people do."
"What is she doing?" Juri cursed herself. The words sounded so
desperate. What's more, Anthy's smile widened. Evil little witch.
She may talk about how she's nothing like what she once was but her
heart was still black.
"She arrived in Lyons yesterday morning. She checked into a
hotel under her own name. She sits in her room, staring out the
window and sighing. Which is quite a change from Bremen, where you
left her. She destroyed half your hotel room the morning after. It
cost her much of her savings, I'd imagine..."
"ENOUGH!" Juri snarled. "I asked what she was doing, I didn't
ask for editorial comments. You seem upset that I'm so scared of you,
then you behave exactly the same as you always have!"
Those words seem to have an effect. Anthy stared for a moment,
her eyes widening. Then, shockingly, she turned and smashed her fist
against the wall. Her hand began to bleed from the force of the blow.
It was perhaps the most emotion Juri had ever seen her show.
"I apologize," she eventually whispered.
Juri nodded. "I don't accept."
After a moment, Anthy continued to speak. "You know your own
itinerary. Shiori hasn't returned to Japan. Nor has she attempted
anything such as taking her own life."
Juri sat up straight. "How do you know?"
"What you're thinking, you mean?" Anthy chuckled. "Because,
Juri-san, we are very much alike in the way we think."
Ice could have formed on Juri's brow. "You are mistaken," she
said simply.
"I only wish I were," Anthy continued. She leaned back against
the door. For the first time, Juri actually looked at her. Her hair
being down wasn't the only thing that was different. The glasses were
gone, and she was dressed in a simple summer blouse and pants. Back
at Ohtori, Anthy had looked both fourteen and thousands of years old
at the same time. Here, in a small Paris apartment, she looked to be
a young woman. Twenty, perhaps.
And just like that, Juri wasn't afraid of her anymore. Anthy had
become human.
"We were both searching for miracles, you and I. You wanted the
woman you loved to love you in return. I wanted someone to save me
from my brother's never-ending cycle of betrayal and wonder. When I
was offered it, when my Prince went through her own personal hell just
to save me... I stabbed her in the back." Anthy's voice had dropped
to a near-whisper, and Juri felt herself shudder.
"We've left Ohtori, but I can never forgive myself for it. I
love Utena. I love her more than anyone I have ever loved in my long,
long life, Juri-san. Even more than my brother. And yet we've never
even kissed. Because I know if we do, I won't be able to stop myself
from drawing my arms around to her back... and searching for the scar.
And I know that if I touched it, if I even showed her that I know it
existed, then Utena would be horrified. And she'd walk out, and never
go back."
She sank to the floor, and curled her hands around her legs.
"And I'd go back to him," she hissed.
Juri thought Anthy was finished, but she went on. "Because I
lied, earlier. I don't love Utena. I can't. Because I've never been
able to trust her, except for that one time. One desperate hand,
reaching out for mine, out of her coffin. And I trusted her. And I
took it. I think that was love. But I can't be sure. Because I
can't do it again. And she knows it. And that's why we fight, and
things are slowly falling apart."
Suddenly Juri found she had the strength to stand up. She did
so, and walked over to Anthy. "Would you kindly shut the hell up?!"
Anthy looked up at Juri... and smiled thinly. "Now you know what
the inside of your head sounds like all the time," she said.
Juri wanted to hit her so badly.
"We refuse to allow ourselves to love, Juri-san, because we
believe that the world is a cruel, callous place. Where opening up
your heart only leads to hurt. Where people who believe in miracles,
who believe that everyone has good inside them, are mad fools. But
we're the fools, Juri. I walk through Paris, and I see people meet
and fall instantly in love. I see sequences of events that look
utterly silly, but end up with a shy smile and a hesitant laugh.
The world works for people like Utena and Shiori. For people like
us... it chooses to abandon us. We won't let ourselves be part of
it."
Now Juri wanted to hit herself. Because Anthy was right. She
sounded exactly like Juri. Juri, who could not accept that after so
long feeling pain and hurt, she had found happiness. Just like Anthy.
Juri, who was afraid of any real physical affection for fear that it
would only lead to disgust and hatred. Just like Anthy. Juri, who
would rather run away and sit in a cafe, moaning in her head about how
much she hated herself. Just as Anthy was doing now.
Well the hell with that. She wasn't Anthy. Not anymore. She
had her miracle, and she was going to go get it.
She moved away, and took her bag from the dresser where Anthy had
left it. "I'm going back. Please tell Utena I thank her for her
hospitality."
Anthy started for a moment, then her face grew serene again. "Of
course."
Juri moved, not to the door, but the window. "Maybe you're
right. Maybe this world does work for people like Shiori and Utena.
Their miracles, the ones they believe in. In which case, I have to go
make the miracle come true."
Anthy smiled. "Good luck, Juri-san."
Juri nodded. "And you. You're lucky you have someone like Utena
here. Someone for whom the world moves mountains."
"I know," she said.
Juri moved to the door, and opened it. "Because she'll have been
here the entire time, listening to everything you said."
Utena stood there at the door, a can of tea in her hand. She was
staring at Anthy, stunned, tears trailing down her cheeks. Anthy
stood up quickly, her hands coming up to her mouth so hard they
drew blood. She then spun, headed for the window, but Utena was
too quick. She grabbed her hand, and brought it to her chest.
And now Anthy was crying, and Juri knew what she was feeling. She
knew because she'd felt it before. Felt it when she told Shiori that
she was the picture in the locket, back at graduation. It was like
plummeting off a cliff. That feeling that everything held back was now
gone. All the barriers. Shiori had accepted it. Hadn't been
offended, or sickened. She was hurt Juri hadn't told her. That was
all.
And Juri could see Utena was like that. Because she stood there
for quite some time, letting Anthy feel the scar that she had made.
And after that, she took the hand, and brought it up to her face. And
they kissed.
Juri walked out of the house quickly, pulling the door closed
behind me. She wanted what they had. She needed that from Shiori.
She didn't know if Shiori was willing to do that twice. To forgive her
everything again. But she was going to try.
No more hiding.
------------------------------------------------------------
Author's notes: The final part of this semi-connected series of fics
should be out... sometime.
--SG
--November 24, 2002
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