Hope
I'm not the sort who wants to be possessed. To be controlled
but whenever I see her I long for it. Something takes hold of me and
inside I'm begging for her to take me.
To take me and do with me as she wills. I want to give myself
to her body and soul. I've given her my trust and my love just as she
once gave me hers but I still want more.
Wanting more is what got me into this predicament. I couldn't
be satisfied with what we had. I wanted more from her. I wanted her
to feel as I do and in doing so I drove her away from me. I feel
ashamed for that. For having ever wanted more. It ruined what little
happiness I had.
Happiness.
Am I truly happy?
No, not anymore. Once I was happy. With her at my side I
was always happy.
But that was all a dream world. Something I made up in my
head. Reality is something quite different from what I imagined. When
she told me to believe in miracles I thought of her as my lover and him
as my friend and us being together always. Him having a nice girlfriend
of his own of course.
I laugh to think of it now. How naive I was. How foolish.
How utterly ridiculous and... and... hopeful. I was hopeful once.
Hopeful in my belief of miracles.
Utena still possesses that hope. It intrigues me I must admit.
The strength of her beliefs. She doesn't even know for sure what she's
fighting for but still she fights on. It's both foolish and admirable all at
the same time.
"Hello."
Her voice echoes in the empty courtyard as I turn her way. In
the pale light of the moon she looks like an angel. I set my jaw and
steel my emotions. I won't let her creep into the window of my heart
that she has made.
I won't allow it. I can't allow it. Allow these feelings. Allow
this infernal weakness that she causes in me.
When I make no response she nervously shifts her weight
from foot to foot. I observe this wryly out of the corner of my eye.
Why is she so nervous?
The past few days she's relished in lording the recent
discovery of my love for her over me. My heart stops and I wonder if
she's had a change of heart.
I think on this long and hard. Fat chance.
"The locket..."
My eyes snap upwards to meet her own and I question
sharply.
"What did you say?"
"You're still wearing the locket."
I blink at this and follow her gaze to my exposed neckline
where the golden betrayer can be seen. I quickly hide it underneath
my dressing gown but it's too late. She has already seen the evidence
of my existing love for her.
Hopeless and pathetic as it is my love still exists. The heart
and its emotions are stupid in that way.
"So?"
My response is defensive and rude. I want to push her away
as she's pushed me away all those times before. It hurts far too much
to see her... to be near her and to still not have her. I'll never have her.
I know that now.
She steps forward softly and her dark gaze leaves me frozen
in my tracks. I have always found her gaze hypnotic in the dark
strength behind it. She pauses in her walk just inches from me and
hesitantly reaches out her hand.
Just as she's about to touch my cheek I jerk my hand upward
to grip her wrist.
"What are you doing?"
She hisses under the pressure I apply and ducks her gaze.
When she doesn't reply I squeeze again. Finally she lifts her dark head
to look deeply into my eyes. In her gaze lurks a sadness so profound
it frightens me.
"I want to touch you."
I can find no reply to that. That statement in all it's simplicity
baffles me. What does she mean by that?
"I don't understand."
Her hand winds out of my grip to slowly crawl upwards until
she's cupping my face in her hands. I shiver at the contact that is my
dreams in the making. She smiles very softly at this before she
continues quietly.
"I want to touch you... I want you to know how sorry I am.
I'm so sorry for how I've treated you. All of these years you've loved
me, cared for me, been there for me."
She smiles again and her eyes darken in such a way that my
stomach flutters at it. She is so beautiful to me.
"How couldn't I have known that you loved me? And how
could I have treated that love so poorly? It's you... it's always been
you that I wanted. I tried to push that love away because I just
couldn't understand it. You've always been better than me. You're
more popular, more pretty..."
I start to protest this and she touches my lips to stop me. She
rewards me with a tender smile as she continues.
"It's true. All of it... that's why I've treated you the way I have.
I was jealous. Part of me has always been jealous of you and when I
found out that you loved me it just didn't make sense. How could you
love someone like me?"
"How? You're beautiful... wonderful..."
"No," she interupts quietly. "You are, Juri."
I smile at this and she lights up when I do. Hesitantly I reach
up to cover her hands with my own. Leaning my head to one side I
gently kiss her palm and I hear her gasp at this.
When I look into her eyes they're dark with desire.
"Shiori," I whisper. "All my life I have never wanted anyone
but you."
"I know," she replies with an bashful smile. "It scared me at
first, the intensity of it... of our love."
"Love?" I question dimly.
She giggles and taps my nose lightly.
"Of course love. You do know that I love you, don't you?"
She tilts her head then smiles almost sensuously as she says, "I guess
I'll just have to prove it to you then."
Before I can make a reply she moves forward and possesses
my lips with her own. The kiss is intense and filled with passion. This
is something that I hoped for but I thought could never be.
Hope... did I hope for this? Did hope somehow still remain in
my heart despite all my efforts to stamp it out?
As we slowly part and I gaze deeply into her eyes that shine
with love for me I know one simple truth.
Humanity will always have hope and with it so will I.
-End-
Both characters in this fanfiction are from Revolutionary Girl Utena.
It's no secret that I love this series and I adore Juri absolutely. This
is why part of me has always wanted to write a semi-sappy fanfic like this
one where Juri finally gets the girl. Plus it's nice to write Shiori as a
decent person. Something that she doesn't come off as in the series
itself. When I wrote this I was listening to the song that was played when
Juri dueled against Utena in episode seven. Some of the lyrics have been
provided below and I must say that it's my favorite song from the series
thus far.
Back to Revolutionary Girl Utena Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction