The Capricious Lies of Desire
Pathways at the academy liked to stray. Liked to lead to strange
places and sometimes it felt like they changed whenever they felt like
it. As if the school was a living thing and every time it breathed it
moved a little. Seasons were the same way. The weather never seemed to
fit the season it was supposed to be. Autumn leaves covered the ground
suddenly, but not because it was fall. Juri thought she could feel the
reasons why the school was so different. Outside the normal span of
time. Like it was another universe, another planet…another dimension.
Everything was different now for her. Nothing felt right, and she
avoided faculty members and places she associated with the End of the
World. If the game ended that very day she wondered what revolution
would mean. What would it mean and what would be the thing… the
revolution? What would it be about? Would it be any of the things she
saw the others fight for, eternity, shinning things, power, miracles?
Or would it be so simple no one would ever even guess something had
occurred. Something inside the stoic angel made her guess the later,
and something inside her made her guess that a prince would bring
about the revolution.
The path veered into a small orchard. Tall trees shedding their leaves
in reds and yellows, pale oranges and golds, a few red-violets. The
fallen foliage crunching lightly beneath her quick steps, barely
making a sound. She never questioned how she had learned to accomplish
that, walking so lightly no one heard. Stepping and moving like a cat.
Juri did not want to guess if it was pure natural ability that allowed
her to move as she did, or if her body had just fallen into the
expectations of her nickname. Lovely and beautiful panther that she
was. Not someone to be toyed with. Not someone to be played with and
those that dared to play never escaped without a scratch. Maybe Miki's
sister was right. Perhaps there were those who were nothing but wild
animals. Perhaps she was always going to be an angel fighting the
devil that also fueled her existence.
"Angel and devil are the two of me"; she hummed. "For I am all things
in creation." She grinned at the very thought of it.
Juri's thoughts drifted then. Washed to shores she didn't care for.
Thoughts of him and his trite wish. What had he wished? What did he
want miracles for? To show her that they existed? To prove they could
come true and then what? What if miracles did exist? What would that
mean to her if she never got her miracle? Never got the thing she
wanted. She bit back her anger over the situation. Mask laid over mask
lay over mask so that no one really knows what is being felt. And she
knew she was guilty of doing the same. She was the master at hiding
her true feelings, but she felt she had to. She had to protect her
friends from what she really felt. And suddenly she guessed that maybe
he had felt the same way.
"Does it matter anymore Ruka"; she asked the empty air. "You left
again and now I don't get to know. You left again with out telling me
why."
And if he left without saying why because he was protecting her she
didn't want it. Didn't need to be saved from reality, because she had
been saved from hope. Without hope there is nothing left but reality.
Nothing left but the truth to eat away at your soul. She was knee deep
in truth. He wasn't coming back. He was gone. Lost beneath the earth
and she said her good byes the only way she could. The panther
wondered why it even mattered anymore. People left her that's just how
it was. The people she wanted close always left, buried under her
inability to speak what she felt, or lost beneath masks that were
similar to her own. And if they chanced to return things were never
able to be the same.
From behind she could hear leaves being punished under short quick
steps. Someone petite desperate to catch up to her own light and
somewhat long strides. Juri slowed her pace a bit. Just enough to
catch a glimpse of violet hair and hear the girl's quickened breath.
Then she slowed a bit more feeling something like guilt for even
imagining being cruel to the girl. How could she be cruel to someone
like that? How could she muster her revenge and not become something
she despised? The innocently cruel girl finally caught up, breath
still a bit short. Eyes heavy with a million different emotions and
Juri wondered what it was she was to receive today. Was it to be
complete cruelty or begged forgiveness… something laughable like
pretended friendship? What was the girl going to try and drag from
her? There was deafening silence for a good five minutes as the two
walked along side by side. Stealing glances when the other was not
looking. Possibly creating a means of attack, and possibly creating a
means of defense.
"J-Juri?" Her voice broke the quiet the coo of a dove, a whispered
request that was just above silence.
The stoic angel stopped in her tracks. Turned slightly to look at the
girl. All her walls flying up in a grand attempt at protection. Hazel
eyes washing cold and unmoved. "Yes Miss Takatsuki?"
The girl's focus slipped to the ground with the formality. "I-I… I
wanted to apologize for my-"
"You already made your apologies to me. I told you not to worry about
it", the panther interrupted softly.
Violet eyes shut then opened as she exhaled a deep breath. "No… Not
that I'm sorry for… last week you came to see me…I was…" she looked up
a little lost for words. "I was very rude to you. I said things that-"
"That you meant", Juri finished the sentence for her. "Never say sorry
for what you meant. If you were hurt you were hurt. There's nothing to
forgive."
She began to walk again. Slow and steady until that little voice
caught her attention again and she stopped. Waited for the girl to
catch up to her. Listened to the harsh way her steps crunched the
leaves. The way the wind picked up at her approach. Juri watched the
way the girl would nervously brush her violet hair away from her eyes.
The way the girl's eyes always looked half ready to kill, and half
ready to cry. And the angel wondered why with everything she knew
about this girl… Why her masks all began to crumble at the sight of
her.
The girl swallowed, maybe fear, maybe pride and asked barely able to
keep eye contact, "Do you hate me that much Juri?"
She didn't even try and stop herself form answering. "Yes", she
whispered. "Yes, I hate you."
"I see." The girl began to shrink away.
"I hate you Shiori"; Juri stated again a little louder. "But not for
any of the reasons you think I should."
Obvious confusion washed over Shiori's face. She ran over all of the
things she had ever done in her head. All the wounds she had
inflicted. How could she not be hated for that? She tried to find the
answer in Juri's eyes. Find truth behind the blue-green color she used
to be able to read so well. She found nothing though. Not a single
answer she sought. She should be hated. She knew it deep inside. She
was a liar and she liked to hurt. Like to hurt Juri for being so very
perfect. For pretending she didn't care about Ruka, or that other boy.
For acting like everything was fine and then trying to protect her
like some sort of make believe prince. How could she not be hated for
being a vain, jealous, little snake? Or vilified for lying so boldly
just to make her jealous. Just to see that sad expression wash over
the fencer's face. That beautiful lonely and lost look that made her
heart beat in ways it shouldn't.
"But the things I did", Shiori whispered suddenly. "I took them to
make you jealous, to make you hurt. And then with…well then you try
and comfort me and I-"
Juri interrupted again, "I was jealous, and I was hurt. "She paused as
she watched the confused expression grow on the girl's face. "Yes,
Shiori… I was jealous and you hurt me. Your aim was excellent. But you
didn't hurt me like you intended to."
"I don't-"
"No", the panther whispered and turned away. "No I don't think you do
understand, and you never will. You don't need too."
Juri began a quick pace down the path. Quick, with long strides that
silently hit the leaves beneath her feet. Behind her the girl was
running to catch up. Desperate to know, and the panther was just
curious enough to know why. Why the girl wanted to apologize? What
more damage could she possibly hope to achieve?
"Juri!"
She ignored the call.
"Please!"
She kept moving until the path appeared again and the orchard was far
behind her.
"Juri please wait!"
Moving until she was standing in "their spot", "their place". Where
she learned how to really be a fencer, and how to hide what she felt
inside a golden prison. Her hazel eyes moved over the water, the river
that ran along side that place, sacred and damned as it was. She felt
the light grip clutching to her arm but was too lost in thought to
shake away from it. Finally she glanced over, watched Shiori taking in
short quick breaths that nearly matched the girl's earlier short quick
steps. Stung her self with the memory of having seen those short quick
breaths before. But in his arms and locked under his kiss. Like a
puppy she had remembered hearing. And the memory was silenced by that
soft voice.
"Juri?"
"Why do you want me to forgive you Shiori", the stoic angle asked,
eyes watching the water. "Will you feel better? Less abandoned? Why do
you need my forgiveness? Why would you want anything from me? You said
it your self 'I'm pathetic'. You won't do anything I want you to."
Shiori released the fencer's arm. "No. I won't do anything you want me
to. Because everything you want me to do keeps me safe. And I don't
want your protection forever. I don't need a prince or a knight. Don't
need perfection and you're perfect Juri. That's why I couldn't stand
you." It was an interesting change of tone from the earlier confusion.
"But for all the disgust for your perfection…I just can't have you
angry at me…and I don't know why that is."
The panther began to laugh. Not a hearty chuckle, or light hearted
giggle. No it was a roar. Like a beast was let out of it's cage, or a
wild animal had escaped. And she laughed harder when she saw the
girl's cruel face twist in confusion.
"That you ever saw me as perfect", Juri began. "That you ever thought
such thing at all is a joke. How could you think I was perfect
Shiori?"
The girl looked to the ground and whispered, "You had so many friends.
Everyone wants to be like you. And you were strong and nothing ever
bothered you. Even when the idiots from grammar school were calling
you names. You just…You never seemed to be phased by anything. I
resented it because everything bothered me. The name calling, being
ignored because I wasn't… I wasn't like any of them."
"No… you weren't like any of them", the angel replied softly, lost in
the memory. "That's why I loved you."
"What?"
Hazel eyes got wide. "Nothing."
"You…" Shiori stepped backed a bit. Shock and confusion clear on her
face. "You loved me?"
"I…" Juri felt her defense walls cracking.
"You loved me?"
Masks falling.
"You…How…"
Emotions rising to the surface. Juri's hand went to clutch at her
neck, grabbing at empty air for what was no longer there. And violet
eyes grew wide as she watched the fencer.
"Juri?"
The voice politely broke into her heart. Juri looked at the girl next
to her; hazel eyes lost in the confession she hadn't meant to make.
"Yes", The fallen angel replied.
"It was my picture…in the locket"; Shiori sputtered.
"Yes." No sense in trying to hide. No sense in pretending it was never
so. Everything between them was ruined anyway.
Violet eyes narrowed in something that appeared like anger. "Why?" The
question seemed incomplete. "Why would you do that?" Shiori looked
into the fencer's hazel eyes and saw that sad look. That hurt toppled
crushed look that made Juri so pretty. And Shiori was suddenly
disgusted with her self.
"Why not", Juri replied. She shook her head, auburn locks swaying. She
sighed, "Why not? Believe in miracles and your wish will come true.
Your words…" She stepped towards an empty bench that was near by. "And
they helped fuel my weakness."
Juri sat on the bench; eyes focused on the water. Ready to be left, or
screamed at. Ready to hear that she was disgusting and sick. Ready for
those petite little hands to beat into her and make her say it wasn't
true. But there was nothing, just silence. Stone cold, harsh silence
that echoed in on itself. She felt the bench move slightly. Out of the
corner of her eye she saw short violet strands of hair being picked up
by the wind.
"You deserve better", Shiori suddenly said. "You can do better and you
really should." There was no reply and she sighed. "No wonder he
wanted to hurt me. He knew you could do better. Wanted you to do
better. Don't you think he succeeded?"
Silence.
"I think he succeeded", Shiori said. "I think he brought me down to a
good level of pity and cruelty. Broke me with my own lies so you could
see. I'm not worth it."
Silence.
Shiori sniffed and stood from the bench. Tried not to look at Juri's
lost and lonely face. Tried to ignore the way her heart beat. Walked
away slowly to find her way back to the dorms. She was nearing the
path back to the orchard when she felt a hand touch her shoulder. She
spun around and looked up into hazel eyes. Not sure what to say or if
she should say anything.
"Do you still despise me Shiori", the panther asked. "Do you still
want to make me jealous and hurt me?"
"Maybe", the girl replied lightly. She stepped in a bit close. "You're
pretty when you're hurt. Sad and lonely you look like an angel.
Sometimes I wonder if I do what I do just so I can see that look on
your face."
Juri took a step back. "Really?"
"No sense in lying", the girl replied. "Yes really. But I've never
really seen you smile. You never smiled. You are always stoic and
silent."
"And what if I smiled", the fencer asked. "What if something made me
happy? Would you rush to make me miserable again? What happens if all
is forgiven Shiori? What do you want from me?"
"Nothing", the girl whispered. She inched a little closer. Violet eyes
looking deep into hazel as she stood on her tiptoes to grace the
fencer's cheek with a kiss. "With the possibility of something."
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