Chris & Yun's Bogus ShoujoAi Journey
This story is purely meant for entertainment and should not be taken
seriously.
You know what? Actually, it should, because it has a lot of important
things to say.
Most of them make good sense. The others make no sense. Try and discern
the two.
Please enjoy... although I don't think I have to tell you. I'm pretty
sure I don't.
Contains girls loving girls and girls hating stories where guys love
guys. ...Huh?
Some people knew Lady Chris Lightfellow as a soldier, or the leader of
the Zexen knights. A few others were lucky enough to know her as a
companion, a friend, and a worthy ally. Unfortunately, absolutely
EVERYBODY believed that poor Chris was not always on the...well,
straight and narrow path, in so many words. Oh sure, she was a warrior
of good and a champion for justice, and sometimes extended mercy to her
most vile enemies. But her goodness wasn't in question: her
"preferences" were.
It all began simply enough, when the Grasslands desired peace. Many
people saw it as a chance for the wars to finally stop: others swore
that Lucia, chief of the Karaya clan and one of Zexen's former enemies,
was flirting with poor Chris. Rumors spread fast, and soon poor Lady
Chris found herself in a jam--and not the delicious type, either. It
didn't get any prettier after that, even after she received "harmless"
flirts from Nash, Borus, and Percival (and on at least one occasion,
Louis and Melville). A chance meeting with a certain Alma Kinan girl
shattered all those previous flings to pieces.
And if that had not been enough, an encounter with the ninja Ayame,
involving a hot tub and soap, ensured that everyone would be questioning
Chris about "certain things" for the remainder of her life. This would
put a severe disadvantage to her career as a knight, not to mention her
fan club! Then again, it also gave her a very rare advantage that very
few other women really had.
Chris Lightfellow, more than any other woman in the Suikoden world, was
the closest and therefore best example of a shoujo-ai character (whether
she liked it or not). Since this was the case, she was elected to be
permanent poster child for the almost nonexistent movement to eliminate
rampant shounen-ai. Sadly, there were very few people who championed the
straight pairing--most of them had to step up out of obscurity just to
be noticed--and shoujo-ai was even more ignored. Lady Chris was perhaps
the best and loudest voice for the movement to prevent rampant yaoi fan
fiction, even though she loathed it.
"I'm not doing it!" she shouted stubbornly. "It's foolishness! I refuse
to have any affiliation towards this ridiculous movement! Furthermore,
where do these people GET these ideas anyway? Anyone who's watched me
work any longer than five minutes will know that I have the hots for
Fred!"
"But I have the hots for Fred!" whined Lilly, coming out of nowhere.
Chris gave her "friend" a strange look.
"I thought you liked Hugo."
"I thought you liked Hugo!" gawked Lilly. Chris bolted for the redhead
angrily, glaring as she grabbed Lilly by the collar of her dress shirt.
"WHAT? That's even more ridiculous than me being bisexual! I have no
relationship with him outside of our companionship in Budehuc Castle!"
"That's not what a lot of people are writing about," sang Lilly. Chris
snarled, flaring her nostrils, and released Lilly. If she had clenched
her fists any tighter, she would've ripped Lilly's clothes.
"This is absolutely insane!" she spat bitterly. "I'm a knight! I have
duties! Don't people realize that I don't have time for that sort of
thing? And if I did, I wouldn't be spending it with some woman, or the
son of my rival!"
"You shouldn't say things like that," sighed Lilly as she sat down on a
plush chair and made herself comfortable. "If you do, it'll only make
people want to pursue you even more." Aggravated, Chris wheeled around
and gave Lilly a nasty look, though it really wasn't aimed at her.
"I can't seem to please anybody, then! I shouldn't even bother! Grr,
something has to be done about all this!"
"But why? You would look so cute with a pretty young lady in your arms,
looking up into your cool violet eyes like a damsel recently saved from
destruction by her dashing knight!"
"I'm not hearing this!" screamed Chris, forcing her hands over her ears.
"Lilly, where do you GET these ideas?"
"I snuck a look at Fanfiction.net while Cleo and Sonya were away," she
indicated. "I like what they're doing, though I don't really care for
yuri. I just read all the stuff with me in it, and maybe you, Hugo,
Fred, and a few others. I haven't seen any shoujo-ai stories with you in
them yet, but if we're patient..."
"I'd really rather not be patient," moaned poor Chris. She slumped down
on the nearest sofa, sighing wearily and blowing a few stray strands of
silvery hair from her face. Lilly smiled at her, and stood up with that
same Pendragon's determined look in her eye.
"Chris, I got it! Why don't you go over to the Pairings Office and tell
them that you're only attracted to men?!"
"They won't believe me," she moaned wearily. "I could have eight men
surrounding me as my vouchers, but if one woman comes in and says hello
to me, everything is ruined. You know, Lilly, some people will try and
pair up two characters on the sole basis that they were polite to each
other. For example:
Chris and Lilly are friends! They must be in love!
Yumi smiled at Kathy! She must love her!
Viki said that Young Viki was cute! She must love her!
Belle looked at Mel! She must have a crush on her!
Iku gave Nash an apple! They must be in love! Poor Frantz!
Thomas and Fred live in the same castle! They must be in love!
Rhody and Percival were in close proximity to each other! They must love
each other!
Luc wants Sasarai dead! He must love him!
"I could go on, but by the time I got finished, I would be eligible to
retire," sighed Chris. "Anyway, you get the point."
Lady Chris, lady Chris!
"Huh? What was that?" asked Lilly, who had been startled from the sudden
voice. Chris groaned and gave her friend a weary look.
"Oh, that was just Yun. Somehow, she managed to find a way to talk to me
through the True Water Rune. It's not a bad thing usually, unless I have
to use the bathroom or take a shower. Ugh!" Lilly's face grimaced in
confusion, as she gave Chris the kind of look that was only reserved for
when something extremely unusual had just happened, such as Samus
turning into a giant neurotic squid or Reed doing the Macarena in his
underwear.
"Uhh... Chris? Are you feeling okay? The True Runes don't talk to you!"
"Mine does," she replied, holding up her right hand. The True Water
Rune, still attached to her hand, shined with a mysterious light.
I really can talk, Lilly! came a voice suddenly. Lilly jerked right out
of her chair (and almost did the same to her skin) as the voice took her
by shock.
"Whoa! No way! The Rune talks!"
"And she finally figures it out..." Chris moaned and covered her face
with her hand, desperately trying to hide her irritation.
Ooh, soft! You smell good, Lady Chris! Quickly, Chris jerked her hand
away and screamed at it.
"Yun! Stop smelling my face! Stop talking to me! People will think I'm
crazy if they see me talking to a Rune!"
"Too late for that," said Lilly, pointing to an area behind Chris. The
Silver Maiden turned around, and to her anger and shock, she saw Arthur
there recording everything!
"What a scoop!" he exclaimed. "This article will make me millions!
‘Zexen Knight Leader talks to dead lover via the True Rune!' Wow!" The
news writer scurried off to print his story, but Chris was both faster
and louder than he was.
"ARTHUR, YOU HAD BETTER GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! I SWEAR IF I EVER CATCH
YOU, I'LL SHOVE THAT NOTEBOOK IN YOUR EARS AND BLIND YOU WITH HOT
POKERS!!!"
"AAAAAAAHHH! Wait for me, Lady Chris!" shouted Lilly, desperately
scurrying after her friend. "I wanna watch the carnage!"
After exacting messy justice on Arthur (read: his face wasn't the only
thing Chris rearranged), Chris decided to take the sketchy advice of her
spoilt friend and journeyed to the land of the magical Pairings Office
so she could straighten out all the mess about her, erm, questionable
preferences. Of course, it wasn't enough that Chris had mere rumors to
contend with, oh no. She also had the threat of DCR: Dead Character
Resurrection.
The most famous recipient of DCR was Aeris Gainsborough, obviously, and
a young lad named Kenny McCormick had also experienced DCR at least 50
times in his life--erm, lives. If fan fiction authors had their way,
then Yun would join their ranks and spend her entire life clinging to
Chris like some Lolicon love-struck barnacle. And considering the
reliability of the True Water Rune, that would be an eternity of queer
peril for the lovely knight--trouble indeed! With the risks loosely
balanced on her shoulders, she marched towards the office of the
Pairings Office with her demands set. Ayame appeared out of nowhere and
accompanied her.
"Huh? Where did you come from?" asked Chris, surprised to see the
purple-robed woman. Ayame grunted.
"...The plains. I followed you."
"Why?"
"HLS, of course." Chris rolled her eyes and moaned wearily.
"Oh, please! There's not even a hot tub around!" Ayame took a step
towards Chris, her mysterious blue eyes piercing into the other woman.
"Then I've come to clean my slate as well. You can understand how
tiresome it gets when people think you're a poster child for the Gay and
Lesbian Alliance of Video Games and Anime."
"...Yes..."
"It's a terrible situation, inherited in the system when all inhibitions
went away during the 60s," muttered the ninja, casting her face aside.
"You notice some suds on a person's face and suddenly you're declared
gay. I've noticed lots of things on Watari's face before, but nobody's
ever bothered to hook us up!"
"Yet," muttered Chris. "But what kinds of things were on Watari's face?"
"Oh, you know," shrugged Ayame. "Dirt, leaves, bugs, lobsters, Dick
Cheny, a poodle..." Chris made a disgusted face.
"Ugh. I see."
"Yes, we're too busy hating each other to have any kind of love
relationship, though," sighed Ayame. "So I guess I can forgive people
for not putting us together. Thankfully, I haven't seen a story yet that
has the two of us in a romantic relationship."
"Oh, just you wait," moaned Chris, hugging herself as she shuddered. "If
you give these people enough time, I'll have been whored around the
Stars of Destiny like a dog in heat! They could have an orgy centered
around me one of these days!"
Aah! Lady Chris! Your body feels so warm! Would an orgy be so bad?
"Stop that!" Chris screamed, and slapped her own hand around for a few
good minutes. She ran over and smacked it up against a tree, screaming
"Stupid True Water Rune!"
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
"But that's MY shtick!" pouted Mel miserably. Ayame shook her head in
irritation, and managed to yank her comrade away from self-destruction.
The poor spirit of Yun was in no better a condition.
Owie! Lady Chris, I only want to love you! Why do you abuse me so?
"I'm not gay!" she screamed loudly, perhaps a bit too loudly. "You're...
you're just a friend of mine! An acquaintance! I barely even know you!
And besides, you're way too young for me! What would people think if
they saw me with a 13 year old girl?"
"They'd say you were a pedophile," answered Ayame bluntly. Chris glared
at the woman and slammed her hand on her shoulder.
"Exactly! So Yun, I can't pair up with you!"
"What about me?" asked Lucia, her voice saucy as she emerged from
nowhere. Chris' head nearly exploded from the anger and shock that came
out of it.
"NO! We're not even friends! Remember, we used to be enemies!"
"Only because a few dirty mages tricked us," answered the Karayan with a
small gesture. "I'm sure that we could've become very close if the
situation was different..."
"AAAHHH, I'm not hearing this!" Poor Chris nearly clutched her throbbing
head with her hands, but then remembered that Yun was still part of the
True Water Rune, and thus a part of herself, and so she simply ran off
as fast as she could towards the Pairings Office. Bewildered, Lucia
strolled over to Ayame with one hand on her hips.
"...Weird! This is such a strange side of her. I've never seen Chris act
this way." The ninja shrugged.
"What can I say? This whole story is one big festival of weirdness. Hey,
wanna screw?"
"I thought you'd never ask!" (Speak of the devil...)
Twelve minutes lair, in the lair of the pairings office, we find our
heroine demanding action from the Pairings Office official.
"I'm not gay! Can't you do anything about it?"
"It's too late," sighed the poor man. "I can't stop rumors once they're
spread, unless you give me an even bigger idea to use against them.
Besides, Cleo and Sonya did too good of a job to champion the shoujo-ai
movement. It's really blossomed into a gigantic industry! There's even a
website of it up on the internet!"
"Well, anyone who goes to that website must be a ridiculous twit!" spat
Chris. "Are you really saying that you can't do anything about these
rumors?" The man shook his head, to her disappointment.
"No. You have two choices left, miss. You can either embrace these
rumors or continue to run from them. At this point in your career, you
have no hope of dispelling them."
"EVER?"
"No. I'm sorry." Chris growled, but slowly regained her composure. With
the choices presented to her swirling in her mind, she slowly gazed back
to the True Water Rune on her hand, and considered her options. It
wouldn't be so bad being branded a model yuri representative... would
it?
"...Fine," she sighed in defeat. "If I must lose in either situation, I
may as well find some kind of happiness in one. If I chose to run, I
would just be miserable forever; at least by accepting things, people
may leave me alone. All right, I'll do it. Now my only problem is who
I'd rather be with: Ayame or Lucia."
What about me, Lady Chris? Chris gave her hand a sad smile, shaking her
head in regret.
"I'm sorry, Yun. It would be nice, but you're dead and part of the True
Water Rune. It'd be kind of hard to experience the kind of love I need
with a voice, wouldn‘t it?"
"Oh, that won't be a problem at all," said a voice from behind. Chris
nearly jumped out of her armor (Yun would've loved that) and bolted
around to see the smiling face of an un-impaled Aeris staring back at
her. She recoiled.
"Aeris? But... you're supposed to be dead!"
"Oh, don't be so silly, Chris!" laughed the Ancient. "I've been
resurrected so many times that I'm now legally alive! My ‘rebirth', as
it seems, has made so many people happy that it's been officially
declared that I'm alive!"
"...No kidding." Aeris smiled warmly, when all of a sudden, the roof
caved in and smashed right on her.
"Oh my god, they killed Aeris!" screamed Stan.
"You porcupine-kissing cactus-hugging hippie-loving midget-worshipping
knuckle-dragging no-driving nose-picking perverts!" screamed Kyle. They
looked at each other and shrugged. Chris couldn't help but smirk in
bemused awe, and wheeled around to share her expression with the
Pairings manager.
"Where's your God now, Moses?"
"...Excuse me?"
"I'd like to see you resurrect that!" she stated, pointing to the rubble
that had smashed Aeris' body. The manager sighed, whipped out a Game
Shark, and in moments, Aeris was back on her feet and smiling again!
Chris' face brightened in shock.
"That's amazing! Can you really revive people with that?" The manager
shrugged.
"Hey, what do you think this is, real life? Here, try it out!" He tossed
her the small black machine, and she caught it with great care. Slowly,
she stared at the object as if it were some precious jewel swiped from
Sindar ruins, not sure what to do with it.
"How does it... work?"
"It's very easy," said the manager, pointing at it as he began his
speech. "You see, blah blah blah yak yak yak etc etc etc and so on and
so forth, and that's how it's done!"
"Why that is so easy!" said Chris. Smiling happily, she used the Game
Shark and brought Yun back to life, extracting her spirit out of the
True Water Rune and putting it back into her body (mysteriously, Jimba
remained inside). With a flash, Yun came back to the living world and
gave Chris a gorgeous smile that had been worth all the trouble. A
loving embrace, shared by both of them, was added to that smile.
"Oh, Chris!"
"Yun..." The girl and the woman held each other closely, feeling the
touch of each other's bodies for the first time since... well, since
ever, really (well, then again, Yun had been connected to the True Water
Rune long enough to definitely "touch" Chris' body). They both released
a sigh, and slowly looked into each other's eyes as their embrace
loosened but never lost.
"...Milady Chris... we meet again."
"Yun..." The knight couldn't help but smile sweetly, and without another
word said between either of them, she bent down and laid her lips upon
the girl's forehead. Yun tilted herself up on her toes so that a whole
different part of her face was being enveloped by Chris' lips.
"OUCH! YOUR TONGUE POKED MY EYE OUT!!!!!!!"
"...Sorry."
And now, for the extremely crappy conclusion...
--As Chris and Yun walked outside of the Pairings Office, hand in hand
(with one of their eyes covered with a cute bandage), they couldn't help
but notice that Lucia and Ayame were... doing things with each other.
Finding that it was best not to ask, they resumed their walk and ended
up living in Alma Kinan for the rest of their lives. Chris parted ways
with the True Water Rune three years later, opting to grow old and die
with her "companion" rather than live on eternally without her.
--Hugo, in the meantime, was eternally grateful that it had not been he
who ended up with the Rune. He honestly had no idea how to handle being
connected to a bizarre Alma Kinan girl for the rest of his life. He
somehow ended up with Lilly instead, who felt her cameo role in this
story wasn't big enough. They had four kids, and one dog.
--Oh, don't give me that look. You know what I meant!
--Fred became very sad that both Lilly and Chris were denied his love.
He had fallen for them both, and they had fallen for him. He decided to
go live with Tenchi Masaki and see what kind of luck he would run into
there. As long as Washu didn't hook his brain up to a transmogrifier,
everything would be peachy.
--He ended up being turned into a moogle. Never trust Washu, no matter
what.
--Ayame and Watari are still trying to kill each other. People can
oftentimes hear their "loud, disturbing, strained efforts of violence"
emanating from a locked room. Oddly enough, even after spending up to
three hours in the same room, both ninjas always walk away with nary a
bruise on them, except for a few red marks around their necks, only to
return and continue their "activities" the next day. Sometimes, the
clothes they have when they enter the room are not always there when
they come out.
--Lucia got over her infatuation with Chris (and later, Ayame), and
resolved to hunting down Jowy for back-pay in child support. There is
still no conclusive proof that he is Hugo's father, but that isn't
stopping Lucia. Poor Jowy.
--Not really.
--Yumi, sick and tired of being branded a lesbian, did the exact
opposite of Chris and endured the slings and arrows of outrageous
misfortune. She is now happily married to Borus, who is still a bit
overprotective of Chris. The poor chap now has Yun, a wife, and a future
baby to worry about as well.
--Yuiri and Dios' nose fell in love and lived happily ever after.
--Luc continued to deny being a poster child for the popular shounen-ai
movement even after being revived by the Game Shark. Viki, Mille, Lotte,
Nanami, and Sara still fight over him. For never being mentioned as a
partner in said movement, Sasarai was eternally grateful. Sadly, nobody
fights over him.
--Qlon and Mina were married and had three kids. Wow, that came out of
nowhere!
--Yuber fell on a sponge.
--Cleo and Sonya, surprisingly, continued their relationship. It did not
last long, though, as they began to realize that being champions for the
heterosexual movement would be even more rewarding, and thus parted ways
to be with Gremio and Alen--respectively.
--Gremio and Alen have no complaints.
--Well, maybe a few here and there, but other than that, everything's
okay!
--Except that maybe once in awhile, Camille will stalk them both.
--Sometimes at the same time.
--Finally, it was decided that the shoujo-ai movement would be left up
to the fans of that genre, and the lone website that stands against the
tide and offers something else to the platter. In a world dominated by
needless shounen-ai and reckless yaoi stories, isn't it a relief to read
something different? Isn't it? You can bet your buttons, and since
experiencing new things is such a wonder, let's all try and think
outside the box for just a few moments. You may like the freedom it
offers.
--Never start a land war in Asia.
The End
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