Emphatically/definately/ not a second date chapter. Keep telling yourselves that, girls.
“What are you brooding about now?” Kaname asked between mouthfuls.
“Why not guess for me?” Momomi teased. “Where’s the fun in things if I just tell you everything?”
“If you think I have the genius needed to penetrate your messed up skull, you’re mistaken.”
“Well, it wasn’t very important anyway.”
“Whatever.” Kaname sighed. “So, I’ll be having your fish. What do you want?”
Momomi frowned, looking thoughtfully at Kaname. “Half your rice, and half your natto.”
“Huh? What’s with that? Can’t you just pick one or the other?”
“I don’t want two of any one thing. Besides, I wouldn’t want to deny you of any one thing, either.” Momomi smiled, leaning forwards slightly. “It’s better this way, right?”
Kaname sighed. “Why do you have to make everything so complicated?”
Momomi pulled her friend’s rice towards her. “Why do you have to make such a fuss? You should learn to share.”
“I hope you haven’t forgotten that this whole thing is a big favour to you.”
Momomi took rice from Kaname’s bowl, even though there was plenty left in her own, mostly because she could. It’s fun to screw around with her head, just a little. “I’ll pay you back. But do you have to make such a fuss over the fact that you’re eating my fish?”
“Well, do you have to make such a fuss about fish?” Kaname demanded. “It’s hardly logical in itself… you’re as difficult as always.”
“As are you. This is fine, isn’t it?”
“I suppose I’ll just have to live with it, whether or not I find it fine.”
Momomi carried on eating, wondering how she could steer the conversation in a useful direction. “Tell me, Kaname… did you have any childhood friends or somesuch? I never was very clear on that.”
Kaname rolled her eyes. “What do you think? A poor person’s poor person in a poor area, first the daughter of a disliked yakuza and then of an equally disliked secretary of similar circumstances… and in myself, weird. No, I never had anything like that.”
“No-one at all?” Momomi asked, slightly surprised. “Surely there must be someone?”
Kaname shrugged. “I knew a lot of people. I hurt them and they hurt me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I scraped by. But there was never anyone who you’d really call a friend.”
“That’s pretty cruel.”
“Life’s pretty cruel. Well, in part I brought it upon myself. When people dislike you the path of least resistance is to act cool, like you don’t give a damn. And then they dislike you even more, and… well, you get the idea.”
Momomi sighed. “Childhood is a very idealised time of life, isn’t it?”
Kaname nodded. “I’ll say. People always think that just because they’re short, they’re saints. But children can be some of the cruellest kinds of people. I’ve always thought that’s a sort of reflection on what people are really like, our natural state. It’s cliquey, competitive, with a dominant leader and outsiders to be targeted. Quite the microcosm of countries in this world.”
“More of your philosophy. But I know what you mean; it is like that, isn’t it? There’s no such thing is innocence.”
Kaname shrugged. “I wouldn’t say that. I’d say there is, and innocence is just ignorance of consequences. If that.”
“We’re far too cynical for our age. We must sound like two particularly nihilistic old women, not teenage girls with our life ahead of us.”
Kaname smiled at that. “I’ll say. Does that make us naïve or mature before our time?”
“Just troubled, I think.”
“I noticed that before, but the way you speak… you were the same?”
Momomi blushed, realising that she’d let on more than she’d meant to. As if Kaname doesn’t know anyway. “I’m pretty sure I’ve said before. I was almost locked at home, and educated there, so I never really had any friends. Again, I had people I knew, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call them friends.”
Kaname smirked. “If that’s the case, surely you shouldn’t be too surprised over me?”
“Well, I was homeschooled. I’d imagined that you’d scraped by, as you had to come into contact with other people your age.”
“Don’t be too fooled. I had to spent some time in a classroom with them. That was it.” Kaname started eating her first fish, with a definite air that she knew there was one more to come after this. “But you’re the one who should be surprising me. I’m pretty inexperienced emotionally, I don’t mind admitting that. But you’re always a lot more assured.”
Momomi smiled, feeling conflicting emotions. It’s amazing that Kaname can bring herself to admit something like that to me. And it’s nice that I look so assured, except for the fact that I’m not, not really. I thought she was the assured one…”Do I really come across that way?”
“Of course. You’re the one who does the whole people thing.”
“It’s funny, but I always saw you as the assured one. Because you don’t care what people think about you, so you’re very confident.”
Kaname laughed. “So, either we’re both assured, or neither of us are assured. Let’s go for the former option, shall we?”
Momomi nodded. “That sounds best. After all, if we can fool each other, it’s as good as true confidence, right?”
“I’ll probably know, but I wonder, is there even such a thing?” Kaname frowned. “Does Kariya feel the same doubts as everyone else, but hides them so well that no one can tell?”
“I’m not sure. But it would probably be nice if that was the case, wouldn’t it?” Momomi looked across the table at her friend, ignoring the taste of the food she was eating. That wasn’t important.
“I suppose that would be nice,” Kaname agreed. “But there’s a difference, all the same. You’re my first friend, I suppose. It’s embarrassing to say that.”
“And even if I had sister, I’m your first friend as well.” I don’t like that word but I shouldn’t be surprised. No, I should just be glad that I figure at all in her world. I can’t imagine what things would be like if Kaname hated me.
Kaname closed her eyes. “God, that’s so embarrassing, isn’t it? We shouldn’t even be talking about it… but now that we are, I’m totally blaming circumstances for everything. It’s got nothing to do with us! It’s all the fault of our surroundings, which isolated us, or something.”
“Well, that’s even true.” Kaname’s embarrassed face really is cute, and I’m sure I’m the only one who gets to see it. She just scowls and glowers when other people embarrass her, but she’s not so combative with me anymore. Of course, she’s still Kaname, so…
“It’s like… I don’t know… our isolation policy in the Edo period, Sakoku. Faced with a hostile and potentially aggressive world, in which all contact seems to be leading up the point of military conquest, we have to choice but to limit contact with the outside world. That’s the best way to protect our thoughts and feelings and way of life and castles and stuff. So we keep everyone at arm’s length on a island, if we see them at all, and only trade for useful things like tea and gold and homework assignments we missed because we were asleep in class. It’s a good defensive method, smart tactics. Without intelligence and a grip on our culture and importance and talents and interesting personalities, no one’s going to try and take control of us or use us.”
Momomi laughed. “You know, that doesn’t fully make sense. Sakoku was adopted as a result of internal pressures, wasn’t it? Christian peasants being difficult, because of missionaries from the outside world. So doesn’t that just mean we’re afraid of how we might change as a result of the people around us?”
Kaname looked surprised for a moment, then nodded. “Of course. That’s only sensible, as Christian peasants are difficult, and having a stable country and mind alike are both pretty useful. It’s better not to be taken over, isn’t it?”
“Well, it’s hard to say whether that would have happened, or not. People are complicated.” Momomi rested her head on her right hand, feeling relaxed. “Of course, either way, the whole thing was blown open by big gunboats.”
“That’s you, isn’t it?” Kaname replied easily, eating more of her fish. “When you kept arguing with me and bugging me and sparring with me and snapping at me and who knows what else, that’s definitely the show of force to break through my defences. The carrot of your nicer moments comes later, when you’ve opened trade and brought wealth and oranges and suchlike, but first you smack a big stick around, just like in diplomacy.”
“As ever, your metaphors are entertaining. But I think this one falls down, because far from being intimidated, the besieged Port Kaname pulled out its own cannons and gave as good as it got in a massive artillery duel that lasted over a month.” Momomi smiled and swallowed more rice. “Though if that had happened in real life, history would have been a lot more interesting.”
Kaname snorted. “No, it holds good in that I’ve always wanted our history to be like that. Honestly, in an age where a sword’s time is done, you can’t just sit behind your defensive veil and hack each other up or even practise with blades. It’s time to work out how to blow stuff up. Just like Kariya and kendo, it’s an art that is after its time. There’s no point, you have to concentrate on getting real weapons.”
“I hope you’re not advocating the illegal possession of firearms,” Momomi chided. She watched her friend, eyes affectionate. When she’s like this, she’s… I don’t know…a wonderful person to be around. Inventive and quick and smart and interesting, she always has something funny to say, both from her own observations and from how she’s always, always on her dignity, ready to change the story here or make up some nonsense there to cloak the impression that she’s talking nonsense. But it’s entertaining nonsense, and so confidently delivered that I don’t care, it’s a lot more interesting than anything anyone normally ever says to me. And her face is handsome and her eyes are bright and her hair falls over her face like that, in that brilliant shade, she has a something, a presence. I’m acutely aware of her existence, and I can’t help but watch her. She’s beautiful and challenging and brilliant like a star, but that doesn’t cover it. I could think about her for-
“… so it’s the only thing to do. When people come knocking I let loose my secret weapon, a personality I’ve honed for years, and sink their ships and take the wind from their sails by puncturing them, until they’re not enthusiastic enough to fight on. That’s what they should have done, as well. Isolation should be a time to develop a stronger self. Right?”
Momomi blinked herself out of her trance. She resisted the urge to slap herself on the cheeks. That would be too conspicuous. All the same…idiot, idiot! Kaname’s right, I’ll be writing mushy poetry any day now. She was blushing slightly, she knew, which must look odd. But Kaname didn’t seem to have noticed. “Well, you’re right. But it can’t last forever, I think. Countries may survive without trade, but they won’t really thrive. At worst, they should be like seeds, preparing to bloom into flowers the moment the time’s right.” Not bad for a quick way to cover oneself.
“I suppose so,” Kaname conceded. “But sometimes it’s not internal change you’re waiting for, but external change. When the temperature and humidity and light intensity are just right, they can flower. That can be difficult, especially for delicate flowers like you.”
It’s not fair that she can make me feel like this. I want to be able to complain to someone about it. Even though- no, especially because- I’m still smiling. “So, basically, you’re my sun?”
Kaname looked embarrassed. “It’s sounds so weird when you put it that way.”
“Well, it’s true,” Momomi said. “You were and are the right person, the right conditions. I really am a delicate, picky flower who’s saying that.”
“I’d mock that, but I don’t really have any right to.” Kaname sighed. “This is a slightly different topic, but what I meant when I said that you were assured was that you really do understand people and emotions. If you’re a delicate flower I’m a weed, tough and strong, but with any subtlety. A long way from pretty.”
“I think you’re pretty.” That slipped out before Momomi’s brain really engaged, and then she scrambled to cover herself. “Relative to others, it’s not just a matter of softness and fragility. You’re a tough person, and that’s enough, isn’t it?”
“I suppose it should be. But I do envy you. I don’t feel like I have any emotional understanding… that’s why I was so troubled back then. I can’t judge friendship, as you’re my first friend, so I didn’t know what to make of anything.” Kaname looked unusually melancholy. “And at the end of the day, I didn’t understand anything at all, did I?”
“We’re past that. We both made mistakes.” Momomi shrugged. “And don’t be too jealous. I wish I was less sensitive, because this empathy is a pain. I cry too easily and even when I have something important to say, no one will take me seriously, because of that. I want to be someone who can hide to protect myself, but I can’t. So I really do envy your strength.”
Kaname laughed shortly. “Typical. That’s always the way, isn’t it? People always want the characteristics they don’t have, because they don’t have them. Well, provided we have one of each, it’s fine, I guess. I’ll be your support, but I need you to tell me about the emotions of others.”
How can I be a brilliant empath when I can’t even understand my own feelings? “Alright. But I don’t think I’m anywhere near as good as you make me out to be.”
“And don’t mind me if I screw up,” Kaname said. “This is my first time.”
Badly chosen phrase. “With a friend, right?”
Kaname nodded. “It’s not like I’m nervous or anything, but I’ll get something wrong. Heck, you’re no different, so it’s fine.”
“I guess so.” Momomi took a breath and decided to take a chance. “Say, Kaname, what kind of boys do you like?”
“Say what?” Kaname demanded, startled.
“It’s a simple question, isn’t it? If you don’t like girls, you must like boys. So what kind of boys do you like?”
“What the hell kind of discussion is that?”
“I’m curious.” Momomi stuck out her tongue. “It’s reasonable enough, isn’t it? Isn’t this what girls are supposed to talk about?”
“It’s embarrassing,” Kaname said, glaring. “I’m definitely not going to be drawn into such a shameful conversation for your convenience.”
“It’s not your convenience. I’m just making conversation.”
“Well, have you ever told me what kind of girls you like?”
Momomi felt her breath catch in her throat. “I don’t remember. Not specifically, I don’t think.”
Kaname folded her arms. “Then I don’t have to answer either, do I?”
Come on, come on. This is a perfect chance. “Do you want to know?”
“Of course. I’m curious.”
Momomi frowned. “You know, if I tell you, you’ll definitely be obliged to tell me what kind of boys you like.”
“I’ll accept that. This is a big clue to the identity of your so-called cute girl that you like.”
“Well… I like taller girls. I’m not sure why, but I do. And I generally prefer the more masculine ones, as well. I like short hair. I guess the more female ones are nice to look at, but that’s not what I’d look for in a girlfriend. I guess I really do need someone to hide behind, being as emotionally vulnerable as I am. And…” Momomi took a breath, “they’d have to be the same age as me. I’m not interested in a senpai-kohai relationship, either way. I prefer romance to be kept between equals, even if that’s old-fashioned.”
Kaname frowned. “That so totally sounds like Amane, you know, it’s unreal. I mean, if they ever took her to a matchmaking session the in-laws would think they were being conned…”
“You’re much the same, though, aren’t you? And I do like blue hair.”
Kaname looked at Momomi with surprise, her face change slightly as she went over her friend’s words again-
Momomi broke. “What’s with the face?” she teased. “Are you the one thinking weird things now?”
Kaname blushed. “What are you talking about?”
Momomi just looked amused, flicking a strand of her hair away. “You’re way too easy to tease.”
Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! I should commit seppuku now and save myself the worry, because I’ve only made things more difficult for myself. What the hell was that? Talk about cowardice…
“You really shouldn’t joke about things like that.”
“Sorry, Kaname,” Momomi said, keeping her smile somehow. It was pretty fake and she hoped her friend couldn’t notice. Well, Kaname was a self-declared idiot when it came to emotions, she should be okay. “You’re just so cute when you blush that there’s no way I can resist.” Now I’m just contradicting myself, but it’s not like I’ve given myself any choice.
“You’re as playful as ever,” Kaname noted. “I’ll forgive you, but only because this is your celebration. Otherwise there would definitely be hell to pay.”
Momomi pouted. “I’m sorry, already. You’re still a drama queen, and all… in any case, you owe me now. Tell me what kind of boys you like.”
“Well, even if you ask I don’t have an answer.” Kaname folded her arms. “Its not like I know very many boys, now do I?”
“Oh, come on. You have an imagination, right?” Momomi teased. “You don’t have to be gay at Astraea. Picture the kind of guy you like. Visualise! Visualise!”
Kaname rolled her eyes. “How embarrassing. I’m not really interested in that kind of stuff anyway. I’m still young, and it’s all a waste of time as it is.”
“So Kaname hasn’t reached puberty yet. Well, that figures.”
“That’s not it!” Kaname flushed hotly. “Seriously, though, you have to admit, nothing could be further from my relevant existence. I probably won’t be in such a situation until university.”
“Oh, come on. You’re being boring. Even if you have to make something up… I gave my opinion, so be fair.”
“Your opinion was entirely made up.”
“That’s not true. It was mostly accurate, actually.” Momomi leaned forwards. “Now, spill it. Even if you have to make it up. What type? A tall, strong bad boy?”
Kaname shuddered. “Don’t make me sick. I hate that kind of person.”
“Then what?” Momomi pressed. Kaname’s free hand was actually tracing little circles on the table out of embarrassment, which is strangely delightful. “It’s not like I’ll laugh at you or anything. I’m in no position to laugh.”
“I told you, I don’t know! I don’t think about this stuff…” Kaname strengthened herself on that thought, shaking her head. “I mean, really, isn’t it just a waste of time and effort? It’s about biology, this conversation shows that, but people make it all so needlessly complicated…”
“An unusual opinion to hear from such a prude.” Momomi smiled. “Maybe it is just as well you don’t know any guys, it sounds like you’d be horribly promiscuous.”
Kaname flushed but stood her ground. “That’s why I have no interest in it, it’s very primitive and disgusting. But people talk it up in all sorts of protracted ways and make a ritual of it… I just wouldn’t bother altogether.”
“I think it’s more complex than you think. There’s more than just physical attraction to… say, well, the Etoiles, for example. I can’t say I understand it, I mean, I’m thirteen…” Momomi tried to gather her thoughts. “But there’s something there to understand. Don’t you think?”
“Perhaps,” Kaname conceded. “But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all so much work and pain. Look at them with your parents.”
“Well, aren’t we the same?” Momomi looked away. “We had to struggle with my parents as well.”
“They won’t be able to rest though. They’ll always have problems…”
“Well, that’s not love, that’s homosexual love, isn’t it? You have it a lot easier.” Momomi sighed, deflating slightly. “Sorry. That wasn’t called for.”
“Well, I don’t know anything complicated. But it’s all a little little beyond me, and so I don’t bother to think about it. That’s all, I guess.”
“What would you do…”
“Hmm?”
Momomi sighed. “What would you do if you thought you liked someone?”
“Well, I definitely wouldn’t screw around. I’d tell them. I told you before, I hate wishy-washy people.”
“Oh.”
“That’s what sounds most dramatic,” Kaname said with a smile. “But in reality, I doubt I’d find it that easy. I’m so emotionally stunted I’d have a very hard time of it in reality.”
Momomi collected herself. “You’re still dodging the question, though, aren’t you?”
“You’re annoyingly persistent.”
“You’re annoyingly evasive. Come on, Kaname, at least you don’t have to describe the perversion of liking other girls out loud. You have it easy.”
“Well, around here, you seem to be the normal one, if you know what I mean.”
“Well, Astraea isn’t the world. Don’t be too jealous.”
“Alright, alright, sore subject. I get it.” Kaname shrugged. “Well, I don’t know… I really don’t.”
“I won’t drop the subject. Just make something up to tell me, okay?”
“Why are you so interested, anyway?”
“It’s a girl thing.” Momomi smiled, feeling a little daring. “I want to know the kind of person I’ll be losing my Kaname-kun to.” God, I’m fricking bipolar about this, aren’t I? Manic depressive indeed…I know I feel like a melancholy maniac whenever I look at her now.
“Not much chance of that around here,” Kaname noted. “But… I don’t know. I guess- though it’s embarrassing to say- a more retiring kind of guy. I don’t like being pushed anywhere, I’d want to be in control.”
Momomi giggled. “You say that, but aren’t you the emotionally stunted one? Surely you’ll need a guy to sweep you off your feet to make you realise your feelings?”
“I knew you’d laugh at me,” Kaname said sulkily. “But I suppose you have a point. In any case, I wouldn’t mind being taller than him. And I don’t like muscular guys, to be honest. Long hair’s quite nice…”
“Kaname’s into bishies,” Momomi concluded, covering her lips with her hand under the guise of leaning on it. “I guess you really do always want to be the man in a relationship.”
“God, don’t sound too much like someone who’s raided Serané’s shoujo manga collection.”
“Even so, I doubt many such people exist in reality. That must be troublesome for you… though I’m in the same position.” Momomi gave her friend a teasing look. “If you want an effete guy, isn’t it easier to just fall for a girl?”
“You make that sound so simple. If you like butch girls, why not fall for a guy?”
“Because if there’s a mannish girl in front of me, I probably won’t have to look around too far.”
“I won’t speculate on that. In any case, that’s your answer.”
“Thanks.” I’m still not sure why I asked…it must be the masochist in me. And what to make of her answer? Well, Kaname’s always Kaname. Momomi looked around, blushing and wondering whether anyone had listened in on their extremely private conversation. When I think about it, this totally wasn’t the place and time. Can’t let Kaname notice that, though, or she’ll crucify me. Even if it wouldn’t be bad to die seeing her embarrassed face, all in all, I’d rather live. “Hmm… how about Araldo?”
Kaname almost choked on her soup. “Say what?”
“You don’t get more reserved and polite guys like him. Sure, he might try and talk big as if he knows something about people like me, but he folds the moment you talk back. And he’s pretty, isn’t he?”
“God, know. Don’t try to set me up with your cousin, that’s just weird.”
“I’m not trying to set you up,” Momomi said reproachfully. “I’m just commenting. Well, how about it?”
“God no. He’s like three years older than me, for a start.”
“So that’s a factor for you as well…”
“It’s not like I’d mind a small difference, but dude. I’m barely legal.”
“In Italy… no, actually, it might barely be legal if he’s less than three years older.”
“Have you made a study of those laws? Don’t think about it too much.” Kaname made a face. “You’re making me feel ill.”
“You raised the subject,” Momomi pointed out. “But when you’ve got nothing to do but study, you study all sorts of different things. Including things your tutors may not have intended.”
“Unpleasant mental images.”
“I was referring to the state of sexual laws world-wide. I don’t know what it is you’re muttering about.”
“In any case… no one like Araldo. I mean, he has nice yes, I guess, but that’s about it. I don’t like totally wet, submissive guys any more than I’d like guys who think they’re so cool and always in control of the situation.”
“I suppose you don’t know any boys, though. Just like you said.”
Kaname shrugged. “Well, I know the type of person I like.”
“Based on the people you know? I suppose us poor girls can serve as guides…”
“I wonder what a male you would be like,” Kaname said. “Somehow, I can’t imagine it.”
“I’m hurt.”
“However I look at it, you’re the doll-like girl’s girl.”
“And you’re one operation short of being a guy, so don’t get too uppity.”
Kaname sighed. “Whatever. We’re finished.”
Momomi looked down. “We’re finished,” she echoed. What a waste. I ate all that food without even tasting it. Heck, I may even have eaten fish without noticing. If I throw up later, I’ll be able to guess later. She pulled out her money before Kaname could say anything, and raised a hand. “Do you have change for this, please?”
“Don’t even think about paying for me,” Kaname muttered angrily.
“Hey, don’t enforce your stereotypes on me,” Momomi said in a bored voice. “Just because you’re the alpha male, that doesn’t mean you get to pay for everything. This is the modern world, you know.”
“Of course I’m not paying for you, but I can damn well pay for myself…”
“Let me be a spoiled brat.” Momomi closed her eyes and pouted. “If you like, I can owe you a favour. But I’m not going to have any chances to spend this after today, so I’m determined to waste it now.”
Kaname growled. “It pisses me off when you act like that…”
“Well, your pride is annoying as well,” Momomi snapped back. “There’s pride and then there’s stupidity. Don’t mistake this for charity, because I wouldn’t do that. Calling it charity is just the whiny pride of the poor who don’t have anything to hold onto but their pride, and you’re not that pathetic yet.”
Kaname snorted. “You’re pretty blunt, aren’t you? As arrogant as ever. Well, I guess I should expect that of a rich brat like you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Call me what you like, I could care less. I’m just taking a leaf out of your book.” Momomi scowled. “When I do something stupid, you don’t mince your words, you tell me how it is. This is the same.”
“Well, that would make sense if you understood. But you’ve never wanted for anything.”
“You mean you always understand? You’re the self-proclaimed emotionally stunted one, that’s how you deal with the things you don’t understand!”
“I always understand enough,” Kaname retorted. “That you need to stop being a damn idiot!”
“And that’s my position on you right now!”
“Arrogant and self-righteous!”
“That’s my line!” Momomi snatched the change without looking. She had intended to tip the man, but now she was almost too pissed off to care. She threw a few notes down and stalked out with Kaname, bickering as she went.
Does she always have to be so…so stuck up? Can’t she just accept something from me without questioning it? That’s all I want, because I know myself. I have so much I want to give her, but it will always be this. Or worse than this. It makes me want to write angsty poetry after all.
Back to Astraea Lake Index - Back to Strawberry Panic Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction