Sometimes and Often
Sometimes... When she slept... Time would creep up on her, turning her
dreams into visions she could not wake from. Dark and cold things from
the far future or, in some cases, the distant past. And as she
struggled to control the images, collect the scattered emotions that
ripped through her, wishing she could wake, she would cry. Water and
salt staining her pillows and bed sheets as her hands clung in
desperation to the soft comforter that covered her. Then, always, just
before she was sure the vision was going to drive her insane and make
her cry out from the emotional pain, she would feel arms holding her
close, lips brushing against temple. And she would hear the whispered
promise that it would be over soon and she would be fine. The ghostly
presence would stay with her until the last of visions fell away like
wisps of smoke. And her eyes would open, soft Merlot pools straining
against the darkness, a mocha toned hand falling into the empty space
next to her in hopes, that her savior would be there.
But she was always alone. The pale of night wrapping against her and
reminding that no matter the prayer, the hope, or wish...she would
never again greet the face that, had always, calmed her sleep, made
the visions vanish.
Sitting up Setsuna wiped the remains of tears from her eyes and slid
out of her bed. She padded out of her room and down the hallway to the
bathroom. Flicked on the light, blinking back the sudden shock of the
brightly illuminated room, stared at the mirror for a minute or two
before turning on the faucet and washing her face. The water was cool
against her skin doing little to comfort her.
Things were getting worse. In the beginning the visions would hit
every other month. They were now a constant, a hated routine and as
she wandered back to her room to fetch her robe she tried to sort
through what she had seen.
Darkness...always darkness at first and the demonic faces of enemies,
sometimes new, sometimes old, often distorted so they were more
terrible than the reality. The senshi at battle...winning, losing, and
dying, crying, hurt, happy, smiling, scared, or safe... it was hard to
tell what such a thing meant. And of course, lately, the visions held
a climax of herself attacking... something...What she could never
tell. Then it would end either happily or sadly. Two sides echoing
back at her and she was the center of it.
In the kitchen she brushed aside a few strands of evergreen hair as
she prepared a pot of green tea. Her favorite because it relaxed her,
though it was doing a poor job that morning. She sat at the kitchen
table glancing over at the clock briefly before turning her attentions
out the window. Dawn was in a few hours and she would see it rise.
Time...
Past...
Future...
Present...
The Fates were at their wheel... spinning a web, creating a puzzle, an
equation that Setsuna could not hope to solve. She was a vessel of
their work. A keeper of what they set in motion. Her duty was clear,
to protect, and observe no matter the cost... no matter the harm and
hurt.
There in the distance is Twilight
Lost and lonely
A star alone
Would she feel better
If she could play with her sisters Morning and Night
Would she sleep easy if
She lasted longer than a moment
If she were more than a romantic memory
If she were perhaps darker...lighter
Cruel and kind
The arcade was over run with people enjoying the holiday. Every video
game was packed with children and a few adults wanting a turn to prove
their skill. The ice cream parlor was jam-packed and the five girls,
who it must be said were hardly girls any longer, sat in a smaller
booth than they normally occupied. They chatted wildly amongst
themselves until Ami's attention was caught and the others quieted
enough to wonder what she was staring at.
"That's strange"; Ami whispered, blue eyes catching the extreme
distress that crossed the face of the young woman across the street.
"What is", Makoto asked lightly swinging her arm around the blue
haired girl's shoulders and attempting to follow her gaze.
"Is that..." Ami squinted and wished she had her glasses. "Is that
Setsuna over there by the book shop?"
"Where?" Minako practically dived over the table and into the window
pushing the brunette next to her over and into Usagi's lap.
"Hey! Watch it will ya?" Rei pried herself off of the blonde she was
thrown into and made an effort to see what the fuss was about.
"Hmmm...looks like her."
"She looks..." Ami fought for an appropriate word. "She looks rather
pale...are you sure it's her?"
"It is her"; Usagi said soberly, which got her a look from the young
women around her. Even if she wasn't as much of an airhead as she had
once been, it was still a shock when Usagi was serious.
The other girls settled eventually and Minako started off a round of
gossip.
"So what do you think was wrong with her", the blonde goddess asked.
"Hard to say", was Ami's thoughtful reply, echoed by Makoto's quick
nod.
"Oh come on didn't she look...I dunno... a little mysterious?"
Rei quirked an eyebrow at the statement.
"I mean more than usual...like super secretive?"
Again Rei's eyebrow popped up but before she could say anything Usagi
slid out of the booth.
"I think we should let her alone", was all she said before
disappearing into the crowd.
The four remaining girls weren't sure what to make of it.
"Oooooookaaaaay... now that was weird. What do you think was about",
Minako asked and then nudged Rei with her elbow suggestively.
"I worry about your mental health sometimes", the fire priestess
muttered.
And always fine
And always happy
And always at ease
In her own skin
Would you ever say
She's lost
Would you ever say
She's lonely
Because she can see
Exactly where she'll be and gone
Her whole life long
Usagi was two seconds from walking out of the arcade and chasing down
Setsuna when a husky voice pulled her attention. She turned and
watched as Haruka and Michiru stepped towards her, both as elegant and
graceful as ever. She smiled at them waiting to be asked or told
something.
"Hey kitten, where are you off to?" Haruka smiled, charming to the
last.
"I thought I saw Setsuna. I was going to try and catch her, you know
invite her for some sweets", it was playful lie and she knew it would
be caught.
"Oh?"
"Yeah I mean she looked kinda down and-"
"Usagi?" Michiru's lighter voice cut in. She smiled kindly, if not a
bit knowingly. "What do you know about what's going on with her?"
"Nothing." She said it a little too fast. "I didn't know anything was
wrong." Another fib, but this was more a point of gathering further
information.
Haruka crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow and Usagi new she was
caught, again.
"Look", the moon princess glanced at her feet. "Obviously you two
already know something is up with her."
"We do live in the same house", Michiru commented.
"And I do know something...but... if you two don't know or
remember...then I can't tell you." And then Usagi slipped away.
"The sea is restless", Michiru whispered.
"But not because of an enemy", Haruka stated. "This is the past."
"Then we may not have a right to know." She inched closer to her lover
and rested her head on Haruka's strong shoulder. "I'll never let you
go."
Haruka blinked, "I know... Funny though... Setsuna mentioned something
similar to me the other day."
"About?"
Haruka grinned as her arms inched around Michiru's waist, "About never
letting you go."
Are we ever who we were
In the past...
That time forgotten
The life already lived
Before death took us and then...
Made us new
Are we ever who we were
Or do we change
If shy are we now loud
If ugly are we now beautiful
Are our hearts reflected eternally in our faces
Do we ever get to fix what we had broken
A vision?
A memory?
No, it was a dream.
The fog of time swirled about her and a voice sounded in the distance.
A commanding and yet extremely gentle, a voice she loved, because it
made her weak.
"You must restore them", the voice reminded.
Setsuna blinked. She didn't understand.
"You must restore it all, love. You'll go mad...you must...restore."
And then everything was black.
She woke to the sound of her own voice, gasping and struggling. But
the dream... it hadn't been terrible then she realized she was caught
in a vision. And with realization it vanished.
Too much... it was all becoming too much.
Setsuna peered into the darkness and saved by the red glow of the
clock on her nightstand she was sure she was awake. She took in a deep
breath, releasing it slowly, pulled her knees into her chest and tried
to figure out what it meant. Things were getting worse. Visions like
those in her sleep coming at her during the day. She barely made it
out of the bookstore earlier that day. The images taking her over as
she reached for a volume on anomalies. The others would have to know
soon. She couldn't keep dodging the truth, and the truth was she was
losing her grip. There was a reason for what was happening. And she
recalled that long ago the visions had gotten really bad just
before...
But it couldn't be, because that was over and done with. It was
past...Past... it was all to do with the past.
She didn't know what she was going to tell the rest of the senshi, but
she was going to have to tell them something...before things became
completely unbearable, and she went... mad.
You can pull this feeling around you
A veil for what you can not bare to see
It's all in how your remember me
Remember... me
And know everything that was never answered
You can pull this doubt around you
A veil for what you do not want to believe
But the light shines past it
The shadows it reflects
Only pieces
Wrap this life around you
It will be a comfort when nothing else fits
"Restore", the voice whispered. It felt close to her ear and she woke.
Bright blue eyes blinking back in wonder. She rolled onto her back and
stared at the ceiling. She was remembering more and more of her past
life as the years went on. In fact very recently she had uncovered a
few things that no one else seemed to know. It explained a lot...about
Setsuna. The way she was, the reason for the Senshi of Time's distance
and stoic cool.
And then there was Serenity.... Queen Serenity. Her mother...or at
least... she was never quite sure what to do with that. She had a
mother and father, and a bratty brother who loved her and drove her
crazy. They had raised her... but then... she felt a connection to the
deceased queen of the Moon Kingdom. Felt a call to a place that once
was. Her memory was nearly restored...
Restored... that word... the voice in her dream asked her to restore.
What she could only guess.
She shut her eyes. Memories and dreams were becoming the same.
She was in the palace of the moon. Running down the halls, and
looking...looking for her mother.
Bad dreams?
Yes she had a bad dream. She was young... about ten. Her bare feet
slapping against the cool marble floors. She was almost at a panic
because her mother had not been in the royal bedchamber. So she was
running and searching and finally she heard a familiar laugh. A light
and wonderfully bright giggle bouncing off the silence and Usagi was
happy. She went to it.
She peered out the great and wide glass doors leading to the balcony.
Hiding herself when she heard another voice that was... It was velvet,
soft and dark all at once. She couldn't see who the person was but by
the tone she deduced it was a woman.
And the memory-dream jumped slightly forward as she was discovered,
but she didn't get in trouble like she thought she would. Serenity led
her over to the balcony and asked her about the bad dreams; told her
it was all right and hugged her close. And then the other woman put a
hand on her shoulder and reinforced the sentiment; deep sincerity
found in eyes the color of wine.
"We love you", they both said.
And then she woke. Confused for a moment and then the full weight of
the memory slid over her.
"Why didn't she ever say", Usagi whispered to the morning.
The sun is brilliant in the sky
And all is well
All is well
The Moon is brilliant in the sky
And all is well
All is well
I can tell
And just when I know it's safe
It goes
Back to the dark
Back to her heart
And she forgets the reason why
The stars are brilliant in the sky
And all is well
All is...
She was ready to tell the others. She decided. She couldn't wait
through another day of visions, another night of the same and all
those emotions. Too many emotions hitting all at once as the coin of
the future flipped through the air showing her all sides of
possibilities, mixing the past with the future. And she was the
center, always the center... she was not comfortable in that position.
The park was silent early in the morning. One or two joggers breaking
the solitude but she didn't mind them. She kept her eyes shut.
Breathing in and out slowly concentrated attempts at stilling the beat
of her heart. What would she tell them?
It was cool. A light breeze here and there wandering around her,
picking up her long hair. Certainly it was going to be a fair day, not
too warm, not too cold. Just right, everything was certain to be just
right that day.
She could tell them little. She knew little. The visions were getting
worse; she could say that. She didn't know what they meant; she could
say that as well. What else?
A voice from far away sounded in her head, the deepest part of her
heart, "Restore."
Merlot eyes opened to face the brightness of the day. And another
voice, this one closer, behind her? Yes. The voice was real.
"Setsuna?"
She glanced up, such a bright voice it could only be Usagi. She
attempted a smile.
"Setsuna... can I... Would you mind if I sat with you", the blonde was
being overly polite, or cautious.
"Please, sit down Usagi." She offered, voice low and soft. "You look
troubled."
"The pot calling the kettle black", was the reply.
Setsuna nodded hiding her grin.
Silence then, still and hollow between them. A good five minutes
passed. The Guardian of Time heard the tick of a clock somewhere.
"Do you remember the past Setsuna", Usagi finally asked like an unsure
child. "The past, on the moon I mean..."
"Why?"
"I've been remembering the past." The blonde sighed. "A lot of
it...like it just happened a few days ago or something."
"And?"
Tears were forming, making her blue eyes brighter; she fought them
though as she whispered, "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault."
"But-"
"It wasn't", she repeated gently. "What could you have done? Said?
Shouted? Even I... I didn't know", Setsuna swallowed hard and shut her
eyes to keep from crying. "We all lost that day. But she kept us
safe."
Usagi sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.
"I've been having weird dreams lately."
"Oh?"
"I think it's about the past...but I'm not sure. A voice that sounds
like Serenity's keeps saying-"
"Restore." Her jaw clicked.
"Yeah. You too?"
Setsuna just barely nodded. Usagi was looking her over curiously and
the Senshi of Time quirked and eyebrow.
"The visions are bad aren't they", the blonde asked with immense
concern. Setsuna didn't answer and so she continued, "Before the
Negaverse attacked... they were bad then...the visions. I remember..."
"What?" She was keeping to small one-word interruptions. She could
feel something building in the back of her head, ready to devour her.
Usagi could see the strain but she continued "I remember you in the
palace. I could hear you crying. I went to your room and..."
"Yes?" It was like a migraine, slow steps to maddening pain. She
couldn't stop it and of course... there was this truth Usagi was
trying to work through. And Setsuna wanted to give her full attention,
because she knew she would have to talk about it eventually. The sharp
prick of the vision stabbed at her and then washed away. It would
return again like a deep ocean swell crashing upon a rocky shore. She
felt Usagi's hand on her shoulder.
"Setsuna?" She could see could see the vision begin to hit. And she
heard that voice, but instead of a calm request it pleaded.
"She must restore them. She'll go mad."
Bright blue eyes searched her surroundings but there was no one near.
"Usagi", desperate now. "Remember...Restore."
And all is...
All is...
Suffering and pain
Darkness cold and damp
Something like death
Decay
All is...
All is lost to her
Lost to Time
Lost to hearts
All is...
If she can not find her way
Violent...
Blood...
Loss...
She knew she was lost. She had been on the park bench and now she was
lost. Swimming through a fog and a sea dangerous and heavy.
Light...
Soft...
Laughter...
Two sides colliding and it was all up to her. Why hadn't she known?
Why couldn't she remember?
Monsters and heroes clashing, she could see their faces. Feel the
emotions, hatred, kindness, love, and lust all through her at once.
Why couldn't she remember?
And she was in the middle. Standing tall and doing nothing. She
twirled her staff and when it hit the ground everything split,
separated by a wall, thick and black.
It hurt.
Two sets of senshi on either side, two sets of villains; separated by
a barrier. And she walked along it. Keeping the two sides from
meeting. Keeping the two from being whole.
"But you must restore them", the voice again. It felt close but she
could see no one. "You can't keep this."
"What do I do?" She didn't know whom she was asking. Everything felt
so lucid.
"Break it."
She looked at the more vicious beasts clawing at the wall from either
side, "But those?"
"Must be restored."
She wanted to shut her eyes. She wanted to wake. She felt arms around
her, soft lips at her neck that tickled when they spoke.
"The good and bad", the voice whispered, warm breath blowing across
her ears. "Put it back together, love. You will go mad if you keep
it."
"Why do I have it?"
"I entrusted it to you."
"Usagi...why does she remember?"
"You see there... she broke through."
It was true. The two Usagi's were looking at each other through a
small hole. They touched when Setsuna was not looking.
"How did she-"
"She's the strongest."
It was hurting more and more as she walked along the wall.
"Why did you give this to me?"
"Because memory is tied to time and you love...you are Time."
"Just a guardian."
"You have to let it go. You'll go mad if you keep it longer."
"This wall..."
"You built it... you are the only one who can break it. Usagi she
tries to help but it's yours."
"Why don't I remember?"
"You need to be restored."
Unseen lips kissed her neck.
Maroon eyes shut.
Could it be a trap?
What if it was a trap?
"You have to trust me love."
It wasn't enough for her just yet.
What if she was going insane?
"Trust me love... Puu please.... You'll go mad."
And that was enough.
She opened her eyes and swung the Time Staff around barely tapped it
against the barrier she had constructed.
Her velvet voice whispering, "Restore."
And then... everything went black...
Have I lost you
I have lost you
To the wind and to the rain
Have I lost you
I have lost you
Now nothing can ever be the same
And why leave me this way
And why let me wander
Cos.... I wonder
Have I lost you
I have lost you
And my heart will forever...
Feel the pain
"Are you going to wake up?"
Her eyes flitted open. Semi-familiar surrounding greeting her, plush
four poster bed, elegant and fine decor. Arms, pale and lovely,
holding her tight.
"You'll have to go back." Such a sad tone in that voice.
"I know." Setsuna kept herself from crying. "I miss you."
"I know... I've felt your longing." The woman held her tighter. "Do
you blame me?"
"You saved us all, how can I blame you?"
"I doomed you to bare the weight of their memories."
"You had no choice. You were out of...You were out of time." She was
afraid to turn around. An old Greek myth playing through her mind. She
found her resolve and shifted so that she was glancing up at the
woman, a breath a relief leaving her when the silver haired beauty did
not disappear.
"Usagi? She has things she wants to ask you", the woman asked
playfully.
"I'm glad to offer any answers she seeks."
"Good."
"When do I have to leave?"
"Soon."
Her eyes shut tight, a tear betraying her stoic and reserved nature.
"Don't cry, love... it'll work out."
"Sometimes I think I have mastered the art of living without you
Serenity. Sometimes I think... I understand why the Fates wove such a
life for me to live. But often I find... I am wrong... I'm tired."
"I know."
"I want to rest."
"There must always be someone guarding Time."
"I know", she whispered. "And the guardian must
remember...everything." She grinned, "Of course I forgot."
"You have to go back. They're waiting for you."
"You're my only...my..."
"Shhhh... I love you."
Serenity lowered her lips to leave Setsuna with a brief kiss. A
something to remember after parting.
Time
Is a cage
It holds us to our fate
Binds us to our webs
And should we forget
There will always be someone to remind
Sometimes...
And often
I wonder what you'd say
Sometimes and often
I miss your smile
Time is a cage
And one day...
It'll open for us
Just us
When she woke she was in her own bed. She moved her head slightly and
noticed the flowers by her nightstand. Setsuna sat up slowly. Usagi
was sitting at the end of her bed. She looked unforgivably sad. Then
Setsuna recalled what she had done.
"How are the others", her velvet voice broke through the silence.
"Getting over the initial shock", She looked over blue eyes heavy with
emotion. She tried a smile, as she asked, "Couldn't ease them into
it?"
"The barrier wasn't built to be taken down a piece at a time." She
looked over at the clock on her nightstand. "What day is it?"
"Monday."
"Two days...it felt like minutes", Setsuna muttered.
"What did?"
"Nothing.", Then she sighed. "How are you?"
"Why'd she do it?"
"What?"
Pleading blue eyes ran through her, an accidental knife.
"She did it to protect you. To make sure the enemy would not destroy
your chance at a new life."
"She can never be reborn, can she?"
"No", she held back her own tears. "No she placed all of her being
into the silver crystal so that she could send the enemy to the other
side of the universe and further."
"So where is she?"
The Guardian of Time slid over to Usagi and placed a mocha toned hand
on the blonde's heart, "She is right there." She laughed at herself.
"I know it's rather cliché but it's true. You want to get technical
she's in the crystal...which is why she can...help us on occasion."
"Weird."
"I'd say complex..."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"You saw her didn't you?"
"Yes."
"And we made you come back", Usagi was cursing herself.
"It is my duty as a senshi to watch over Time... Staying was never an
option."
"Setsuna?"
"Yes."
"Tell me about her?"
"Where should I start?"
"Tell me... tell about how you first met."
Usagi had never seen Setsuna smile so broadly before. She moved back
to rest against the pillows propped up against the headboard and the
blonde joined her, patiently waiting.
"You were five...out playing in the castle gardens. She was watching
you, laughing and her voice was like a song to me. I was nervous."
"You?"
"Yes... And before I could properly introduce myself...."
Your memory sweet on my lips
I carry this with me
To give something to those who have forgotten
And was the moon ever so bright
As it was that first night
The tall blonde jumped when she felt the tap on her shoulder. She
turned to face the disapproving glance from her lover and smiled.
"Just making sure they're okay, Michi."
"Sure... now move over so I can listen too."
And all is
All is...
Well
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