Absence (part 19 of 60)

a Sailor Moon fanfiction by Kirika

Back to Part 18
Prepare for even more angst.

- Kirika

******

Laodameia laughed uproariously on her cushion throne, her eyes beginning 
to tear. Her plan had gone so well and it was just the first part. While 
the chortling woman mourned the loss of her pet, there would be all the 
other Sailor Senshi to choose from, to live the remainder of their lives 
in glorious service to her. The senshi who survived, anyway. Besides, 
there was another pretty blonde in the group if Laodameia was not 
mistaken. Pets could be easily replaced.

The demon laughed a little harder, mentally feeling through the mind of 
the broken Sailor Senshi. The torment being experienced by the human was 
deliciously exquisite. It had been a simple task to twist the girl's 
intentions, her dedication, to give her a little extra mental 'push'. 
Laodameia’s first attempt to make the girl murder that useless man had 
failed however, much to her surprise. She had stoked the black fires of 
hate inside the Sailor Senshi to a level no mortal should have been able 
to resist. But the demon had underestimated the depth of the devotion 
the girl felt for that other human, the one with the strange hairstyle. 
The senshi’s inner fire of love had smothered Laodameia’s hateful 
suggestions somehow, the red flames consuming the black, erasing them 
from her heart and mind. At another time, Laodameia would have been 
curious about this emotion, love... and its power. She had always 
believed that love was no match for hate. Certainly, where she had come 
from love between two creatures more often than not led the beings to 
their swift destructions. Love, romantic love, was undeniably a rarity 
there. Indeed, there was no shortage of other kinds of love; love of 
pleasure, love of pain, love of power. Laodameia was no stranger to 
those particular types of love.

Laodameia's laughter ebbed as she gazed down from her perch at her youma 
assistant, Aiaia. The youma quickly looked away from her mistress, 
blushing, embarrassed to have been caught staring. The silk clad woman 
knew how Aiaia felt about her -she could read minds after all- but 
disregarded the brunette's feelings and merely took advantage of them. 
Aiaia was the only youma among Laodameia’s followers that the 
pink-haired demon didn't need to mentally dominate into fanatically 
worshiping her. Perhaps there was something more to be said about the 
emotion called love. Laodameia would have to explore it further after 
the Sailor Senshi were dealt with.

Laodameia's chuckling began to increase again as she thought about what 
she was going to do now with another senshi's mind. Human minds were so 
easily manipulated.

******

Sailor Mars broke Sailor Moon's accusing gaze and lowered her head, her 
raven locks hiding her eyes, tears still trickling down her face and 
collecting at the bottom of her chin. All she had wanted to do was 
protect her princess, the only way that she could express her love, and 
what had happened? It was protecting Sailor Moon that caused Mars to 
lose her true love completely. How ironic. The miko looked at her 
trembling hands, the hands that had taken a human life. Her friend's 
life. She felt hysterical laughter start to bubble up inside of her. It 
was like the whole universe was playing a huge cosmic joke on Sailor 
Mars, her entire existence a thing for the gods, or whatever higher 
power, to amuse themselves with. Gods, she was only human, just a girl. 
How could anyone take what she had been through? Even a Sailor Senshi 
had her limits. Did the gods really hate her that much? Sailor Mars 
wrapped her arms tightly around herself, as if to keep the laughter and 
despair at bay.

Mars was aware of Sailor Mercury trying to breath life back into Sailor 
Venus' lungs, then pressing down on the girl’s chest rhythmically, 
attempting to restart her dead heart. Sailor Mars just knew that her 
friend was dead. The Senshi of Fire had probably broken Venus’ neck. 
Even if Mercury did revive her, she would probably have spinal injuries 
and be paralysed from the neck down for life. Mars could hold in the 
laughter no longer, and she laughed hysterically, giggling like a mad 
woman. It was so funny if you thought about it. Here Sailor Mars was, 
dedicated bodyguard to her princess and love of her life, and she had 
murdered Sailor Moon’s friend in the girl’s name, right in front of her 
very eyes. The broken senshi laughed and laughed, the sound mixing with 
the laughter coming from the other side of the double doors, joining it 
in its mad cacophony of mirth.

Sailor Jupiter swivelled her head away from watching her lover try to 
save Venus and glared at Mars. "What the hell? You think this is 
funny?!" she screamed, grabbing the front of the murderer's fuku in two 
fists, shaking her wildly. "You've killed Minako! What's the matter with 
you?! Why did you attack her? She is our friend, YOU PSYCHOPATH!!" she 
yelled in Mars' face as she shook her back and forth, causing the Fire 
Senshi’s head to roll about like a rag doll’s.

Sailor Mars continued to laugh, her hysterical tears streaming down her 
face. Didn't Jupiter see how funny this all was? Wasn't she enjoying the 
eternal joke that was her life?

"You should've never come back!!" Sailor Jupiter continued to scream, 
spittle landing on Mars' face.

Sailor Mars giggled. Jupiter was right; she should have never come back. 
But it was fate, wasn't it? Fate, destiny, had called her back to her 
princess's side. The gods weren't happy with her suffering back in 
Yokohama. No, Rei Hino could suffer more. This was far more amusing.

Sailor Mars felt something hard hit her in the side of the face, 
knocking her to the floor. She looked up through her raven bangs at 
Jupiter standing over her, the brunette's fists clenched hard by her 
sides.

"You murderer," the tall senshi said coldly, "you're not a Sailor 
Senshi."

Sailor Mars' insane giggling ceased, her face crumbling out of its 
maniacal rictus. "Don't Sailor Senshi feel pain? Don't Sailor Senshi 
have a right to dream? Don't I? I’m only a girl...” she said through her 
tears.

Sailor Jupiter merely continued to look down at Mars. She didn't 
understand. Everything had worked out for her. Jupiter had Mercury. She 
had her dream. Sailor Mars heard her own dream still weeping to the 
right of her. Mars' dream would forever remain that: a dream. The broken 
girl sat up, huddling herself into a ball, wrapping her arms around her 
legs. She stretched the burns on her back uncomfortably but was only 
distantly aware of the pain. Her hands still shook nervously as her 
tears dropped onto her knees.

"I'm only a girl... I’m only a girl..." Sailor Mars mumbled over and 
over again to herself, staring blankly at nothing.

Sailor Jupiter looked down at the shuddering girl in disgust. She 
brought up her fist to deliver another blow. Sailor Uranus suddenly 
grabbed the brunette's raised arm in an iron grip.

"This isn't the way," Uranus said emphatically, glancing worriedly at 
Sailor Mars' dispirited form.

Sailor Jupiter looked back at the Outer Senshi incredulously. "Like hell 
it isn't! That murdering scum!" she cried, gesturing furiously at Mars 
with her free hand.

Sailor Mars blocked out the argument and just sat, sobbing and mumbling. 
There was no fight left in her. She couldn't go on anymore. The 
raven-haired girl was conscious of the calling inside of her, wavering 
in intensity drastically.

Sailor Mars heard coughing to her right and Sailor Moon gasping. The 
Senshi of Fire moved her head slightly, daring to look. Sailor Venus was 
on her side, coughing repeatedly while her eyes watered profusely. Venus 
was alive. The information registered in Sailor Mars' mind, and she felt 
the relief, but it was still as if she was looking on from outside her 
body, that it didn't really matter if her friend was alive or not. The 
broken girl stared at Sailor Venus' back, numbly taking in the charred 
flesh and burnt fuku. She closed her eyes tightly and dispelled the 
horrible sight, squeezing out more tears.

"It must have been Laodameia," Mars heard Tuxedo Kamen remark, "she must 
have done something... she has some form of psychic ability..." He 
talked rather haltingly, no doubt not believing what had just happened.

Sailor Mars still heard Jupiter struggle and curse. Sailor Uranus must 
have been holding her back from delivering her own kind of justice to 
Mars.

"Everyone should focus on something, something important," Tuxedo Kamen 
went on, "it helps to block out the whispers... the suggestions... you 
may believe you're thinking certain things, but it's not your own 
thoughts..."

Sailor Jupiter ceased struggling against Sailor Uranus and fell quiet. 
Sailor Mars opened her eyes a crack and looked up at the Inner Senshi. 
Jupiter was staring at Mercury and appeared to be concentrating 
intensely. She relaxed in Sailor Uranus' grip and opened her fists, 
letting the anger leave her body.

"You're right... there's something... like voices in the back of your 
mind," Jupiter whispered with new understanding.

"She needs a hospital," interrupted Sailor Mercury, having just finished 
restraining the still brainwashed Venus' hands with a torn strip of 
cloth from a nearby curtain. "Her burns..."

Sailor Mars shut her eyes firmly again, trying to block out all 
sensation. She wished for oblivion.

"I'll take her," suggested Jupiter, "I can carry her."

There was a shuffling sound and then a whimper from Sailor Venus, 
followed by slightly lumbering steps, which then stopped abruptly. Mars 
heard Mercury and Jupiter whisper something to each other, and then the 
steps continued. And then there was silence. Even the laughter through 
the second pair of doors had ceased. The Fire Senshi was sure everyone 
was now looking at her. She huddled into an even tighter ball.

"Rei..." Sailor Mercury said softly close to the raven-haired girl’s 
ear, "it wasn't your fault... you saw how Makoto acted, you weren't 
yourself..."

How wrong she was. Sailor Mars had been herself all right. Now Mars knew 
what she was really like; she had tasted the darkness inside of herself. 
Had she really believed that she was worthy of her princess's love? 
Gods, how stupid she had been. She was nowhere near worthy. Sailor Mars 
was not even worthy to protect Sailor Moon. Mars wouldn't be surprised 
if she ended up killing her princess somehow. Her princess. No, Sailor 
Moon was never hers. Sailor Moon was *the* princess. Sailor Mars had no 
right to think of the girl as her own. The Fire Senshi came out of her 
bleakly insightful thoughts and realised that Sailor Mercury was still 
talking.

"...Please, Rei, please snap out of this..."

"I should have never come back here..." Sailor Mars whispered to 
herself.

"That's not true," said Tuxedo Kamen, "you're a Sailor Senshi and our 
friend. If you hadn't been here, who would have saved Sailor Moon?"

Sailor Mars felt more tears spill out of her eyes. "You would have... 
Gods, you're so much better than me..." she sobbed.

"Please, Rei... the Moon Princess still needs you, don't you, Usagi?" 
Mercury said tenderly.

Sailor Mars could just imagine her, no, *the* princess nodding 
emphatically, thinking she could see it. The princess was always cute 
that way.

"I do..." Sailor Moon said after a moment, her voice shaky.

Sailor Mars smiled sadly. She could hear the lie. It was over. Mars 
would tell the others about the 'moment' Setsuna had warned her about 
and then they could protect the princess. She wiped her red, bloodshot, 
eyes and stood up, Sailor Mercury holding onto her arm, supporting her. 
It reminded Sailor Mars of how Sailor Moon used to hold onto her arm. 
But that was over now. There was a fight coming up, one last battle. She 
just had to do it one final time. Sailor Mars hoped that there was no 
afterlife, that after death there was only oblivion. That was her 
version of Heaven; she simply wanted to forget. Hell was here and now.

"Look after her," Mars whispered to Mercury so only she could hear, 
"there will be a time soon when her life is in danger... promise me 
you'll look after her."

"You can do it yourself," Sailor Mercury whispered back, looking at Mars 
compassionately before glancing at something behind the miko.

"Just promise," Sailor Mars said, her bloodshot eyes boring into 
Mercury's blue ones.

Sailor Mercury stared into Mars' lavender eyes, tears beginning to form 
in her own. "I promise..." she choked out softly.

Sailor Mars smiled, the smile never reaching her eyes. She nodded to 
Mercury.

"Please, Rei..." Sailor Mercury started once again, the teardrops 
finally escaping her brimming eyes to travel down her cheeks.

"Come on. Laodameia's through here, right? Let's go get her," Mars said 
with clearly false bravado, ignoring the Senshi of Water.

Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Uranus looked at Sailor Mars strangely, aware 
that something was wrong. Sailor Mercury was crying softly, her misty 
eyes imploring the raven-haired girl. Mars didn't look at Sailor Moon.

The team of five marched through the double doors to Laodameia's suite. 
The youma leader was waiting for them on a large pile of cushions of 
varying colours, with human attendants sitting nearby her holding trays 
stocked with a range of finger foods and wine. There were youma 
positioned all around the luxurious room, all of the creatures in their 
true hideous forms. There had to be at least fifteen of the enemy, if 
not more, differing in shape and size. The youma probably had all pulled 
back to their commander, Sailor Mars thought idly. Regardless, it would 
be a glorious end for her.

"I'm back for you, you bitch!" yelled Tuxedo Kamen at the woman sitting 
on top of the mound of cushions.

Laodameia was very beautiful, Mars noted absently. And she definitely 
had a fetish for pink as well. Of course, Laodameia could never compare 
to Sailor Moon’s splendour. Sailor Moon would always be the most 
gorgeous being to ever exist in Sailor Mars' eyes.

Laodameia ignored Tuxedo Kamen's outburst and turned her head to Sailor 
Mars. "It was a shame what happened to your friend, so tragic..." she 
said mockingly in her melodious voice, "but do not worry, when you are 
mine I will let you forget. I can make all your memories go away..." The 
demon's mouth curved slowly upwards into a seductive smile.

"Sailor Venus is still alive! Just like Neptune is..." Sailor Uranus 
snarled, glaring pure hate at the pink-haired woman.

Sailor Mars heard whispers in her mind, telling her to give in, to let 
all her pain end. Mars knew it was Laodameia in her head. It was a 
tempting proposition, but in truth the demon’s power was useless on the 
miko. Sailor Mars had something to focus on in her mind, and had her own 
way of making her memories disappear.

Laodameia chuckled all of sudden, no doubt reading Mars’ thoughts, and 
turned her attention to Sailor Uranus. "Still alive? Too bad... I 
suppose after I deal with all of you, I should send someone to go about 
checking hospitals close by..." She grinned evilly.

"DIE!" roared Tuxedo Kamen, his patience at an end, hurling a rose at 
Laodameia with lightning speed.

One of Laodameia's human attendants suddenly threw his body in front of 
the projectile, the sharp-stemmed flower piercing his left shoulder. 
Tuxedo Kamen gasped in horror, his arm still outstretched in a throwing 
motion. The attendant hit the floor hard, his blood staining the carpet 
from his wound. The man rolled onto his back, looking up at Laodameia 
with glassy eyes, as if seeking her approval. The demon smirked and 
summarily ignored him.

"And here I thought she was the one with homicidal tendencies," purred 
the demon, gesturing indolently towards Sailor Mars with an elegant 
hand.

Sailor Uranus' temper boiled over, vengeance for Michiru undoubtedly on 
her mind. "Kill them all!" she screamed, her fierce shout spurring 
everyone into action.

"Protect the Lady!" a feminine voice ordered fervently from the horde of 
youma as they snarled and charged towards the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo 
Kamen.

"Mercury, do your best to defend the prisoners from harm, freeze them if 
you have too," said Tuxedo Kamen quite calmly as he drew his shortened 
cane from inside his jacket, but with his eyes behind his white mask 
remaining fixed on the stampeding enemy bearing down on him and his 
friends.

Sailor Mercury hesitated for a split second, sparing an anxious glance 
at Sailor Mars, but then quickly recovered in the face of a mass of 
rushing youma. "Right! SHABON SPRAY!"

Sailor Mars saw the youma slow their advance as a pale mist filled the 
room, taking down visibility to near zero. She heard the other senshi 
and Tuxedo Kamen shout out war cries and attack phrases, and also the 
screams and howls of youma. Mars ignored her companions, making no 
effort to join them and fight by their sides in greater safety. Her 
mission was to kill as many of the enemy as possible before she went 
down... one last act for the princess.

Sailor Mars ducked as a scythe made entirely out of bone cut through the 
mist in front of her, attempting to decapitate her. She rolled backwards 
and onto her feet as a large skeleton creature twice her size appeared 
in front of her, lumbering out of Mercury’s fog. It resembled an 
oversized human skeleton, the bones the colour of decay, except that it 
was hunched over and its forearms where longer than usual, with its 
hands replaced by scythes of bone- Mars was sure that they were just as 
effective as their metal counterparts. A red unholy light glowed from 
the skull's empty eye sockets. It reminded the miko of the type of close 
combat youma Khairephon used to have working for him back in Yokohama.

Mars jumped backwards, sucking in her stomach as a scythe slashed by, 
nearly disembowelling her.

"FIRE SOUL!"

A fireball burst from Sailor Mars' fingers and collided with the youma's 
skull, scorching the bone black but otherwise doing absolutely no 
damage. She rolled to the right as the youma's other scythe-hand stabbed 
downwards where she had stood, punching a hole through the carpeted 
floor. Sailor Mars rolled forwards on one shoulder towards the youma and 
ended up in a crouch, smoothly following the move by lashing out with 
her fist into the monster’s ribcage. There was a crack as her fist made 
contact, creating a hairline fracture on a lower rib. The youma reacted 
by kneeing Mars solidly in the face, knocking her onto her back. She 
hastily rolled out of the way as the creature’s scythe ripped open the 
carpet where she had lain. How pathetic Sailor Mars was. The first youma 
she had engaged in a fight and it was the one that would kill her. She 
could hardly even scratch it. Mars was a total failure. She couldn’t 
even sell her own life dearly.

Sailor Mars climbed feebly to her feet as the youma raised both its 
scythes above its head, ready to deliver a double impalement to the 
girl. Mars simply stood there, looking up at the Reaper. It wasn't how 
she wanted to go out; she would have rather died with hundreds of fallen 
enemies littering the battlefield around her, fighting against 
impossible odds. Or better yet, taking a mortal blow for Sailor Moon, 
giving her life so that the one she loved could live on in her stead. 
But instead it was like this, an ignoble death after nearly murdering 
one of her friends, the princess fearing and loathing her. At least 
Sailor Mars would face Death on her feet. A single tear fell from one of 
her dull lavender eyes as the twin bone scythes sliced downwards. Mars 
didn't look away.

Suddenly something rammed into Sailor Mars from the right, pushing her 
out of the way of the Reaper's strike, the two blades tearing through 
the floor, causing carpet fibres to fly into the air. Sailor Mars sat up 
on her elbows and looked with blurry tear filled eyes at her saviour as 
the unknown figure got to their feet, facing the skeleton youma. The 
figure raised one arm above their head, holding a slender object high, 
the mist that swirled about their body blending with the light from the 
ceiling’s chandeliers, making the figure appear like a guardian angel. 
Sailor Mars had never seen anything so majestic in all her life.

"MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!"

The youma roared an unearthly, echoing cry as it crashed through a huge 
red heart, its bones disintegrating into dust, the minute particles 
coming to rest in a dark grey, disarrayed pile on the floor. Sailor Moon 
turned to face Mars, and then knelt down quickly in front of the 
awe-struck raven-haired girl, putting down the Spiral Heart Moon Rod as 
she did so. The princess roughly grabbed the broken senshi's shoulders 
with both hands. Sailor Mars could see tears running down her cheeks.

"What are you doing?!" Sailor Moon half-sobbed and half-shouted, "I 
can't lose you again, not after I just got you back! I can't, Rei, I 
can't!! Not again!!"

Sailor Mars looked into Sailor Moon's eyes, the eyes that had looked at 
her as if she were a monster only minutes before. There was fear still 
there, but not fear of Mars. It was fear of what had nearly happened, 
fear of losing her best friend one final, decisive time.

"I can't..." Sailor Mars whispered, her own tears spilling out of her 
eyes and down her cheeks. "I can't go on anymore... I'm sorry I failed 
you. I tried so hard to be a good bodyguard for you, but..."

"Oh, Rei... it's all right, it wasn't your fault about Minako," Sailor 
Moon said soothingly.

"No, it's not just that... I can't go on in this life anymore, it just 
hurts too much. I know I'm letting you down, and I'm sorry... I'm not as 
strong as I thought I was... to spend an eternity like this, I can't do 
it..." Mars went on, lowering her head desolately.

"Rei, don't say that! What's wrong? You can tell me anything," Sailor 
Moon pleaded desperately, squeezing the Fire Senshi’s shoulders in 
support.

Sailor Mars looked up and gave a strained smile. "No... not 
everything..."

Mars gazed into Sailor Moon's eyes like she had done many times before 
in her life. It was strange that you could feel such love for another 
person, so much so that it was like your feelings would consume you and 
everyone around you... but the person you loved didn’t even notice.

Sailor Moon looked back into Mars’ lavender eyes with her own blue orbs. 
"Even Sailor Senshi can dream, Rei. I know I do," Sailor Moon whispered, 
answering the dispirited miko's earlier question.

Sailor Mars couldn't tear her eyes away from Sailor Moon’s. She 
continued to stare, her heart beating faster and faster in her ears, 
drowning out the sounds of battle around the fog filled room. It was as 
if Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon were the only two people in a 
mist-covered world. Mars couldn't even make out the floor anymore.

"You don't have to protect me all the time. You don't have to get 
promises from other people to do it, either. Let me protect you for 
once..." continued Sailor Moon, shocking Sailor Mars with words that she 
shouldn't have heard, "You were right what you said before; you are only 
a girl. But so am I... and besides, you're not *only* a girl, you're a 
girl I... you're a girl I..." Sailor Moon trailed off, seeming unable to 
get the words out.

Sailor Mars gazed deeply into Sailor Moon's red crying eyes, the 
princess’s hands still on both of her shoulders. The calling inside of 
the Fire Senshi had made itself known again, becoming more apparent than 
ever. It was like time was slowing, as if everything in the world was 
stopping to watch, every higher power in the universe looking on with 
baited breath.

Sailor Mars leaned forward and closed her eyes, taking one last chance 
to save her soul. The Senshi of Fire’s lips met the princess's, and 
after a moment's hesitation the blonde’s parted, granting Mars access to 
redemption as the tears on their cheeks mixed. The angel's kiss seemed 
to breathe new life into Sailor Mars' tortured heart. Mars kissed *her* 
princess with all the passion that had built up in her heart for so very 
long, tasting her true love for the first time. Sailor Moon wrapped her 
arms around Sailor Mars’ neck, while the miko wrapped her own around her 
princess's waist. They explored each other's mouths as Mars' heart 
slowly healed, the undying red flame of love for her princess flaring up 
and sealing the wounds. Sailor Mars pulled Sailor Moon on to her lap, 
the girl’s legs spread on either side of hers. She held her only love 
tightly, revelling in the warmth of Sailor Moon’s body and her heart 
beating close to her own. Finally, after what seemed like a never ending 
moment, time restarted and their lips parted. Both senshi opened their 
moist eyes and gazed into the other’s, blue meeting amethyst.

"Don't die," Sailor Moon said softly, her arms still around Mars' neck.

"I promise," replied Sailor Mars, just as quietly.

At that moment the sounds of battle made themselves known again, 
reminding the two Sailor Senshi where they were. Sailor Mars slipped her 
hands under Sailor Moon and stood up, lifting her love with her, the 
blonde grabbing her Moon Rod as she rose. Sailor Mars held Sailor Moon 
in the air for a second, her princess with her arms and legs locked 
around the miko's body, just before the blonde girl set her feet down on 
the floor.

Sailor Mars grinned broadly, the wide smile nearly splitting her face. 
Sailor Moon mirrored her smile, although it was somewhat more subdued. 
No more words were said. There would be plenty of time later for talk. 
The two Sailors left each other's embrace, and then turned as a youma 
approached out of the mist. They spared a glance at one other and then 
ran to meet the creature.

Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon fought side by side, watching each other's 
backs, bringing righteous destruction to all the youma that confronted 
them. Sailor Mars fought like she did before on that moonlit night back 
in Yokohama, when she was surrounded by youma and facing certain death. 
Sailor Mars would fight until her last breath was gone, until her body 
was dust, until time itself ended. She fought for the Moon, and she 
fought to live, to not die and keep her promise to her love. Rei Hino, 
Sailor Mars, the Moon Princess's bodyguard fought because she loved her; 
Usagi Tsukino, Sailor Moon, her true and only love. And death couldn't 
touch either of them.

******

To be continued...


Author's ramblings:

I debated whether to continue on from there and do the fight stuff with 
Laodameia but I felt it would disrupt the mood. I hope I made the right 
choice. Oh, and I hope I got Sailor Moon's attack right.

And if you think it's going to be all happy happy for Rei from here on 
out, think again. ^_^

Onwards to Part 20


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