-The Egg, the Feline and the Batwoman! Part I- -Guest-Starring Vincent Price as Egghead- -And- -Guest Starring Julie Newmar as Catwoman- ------ -(Spinning Batsignal zooms in and out of the screen)- -Our scene begins in a secret location somewhere in Gotham, where even now evil machinations are afoot.- As a group of thugs and criminals watch on, a mysterious figure picked up the remote to a TV set up on the wall with a label saying "Television" hanging redundantly from it. Cloaked in shadows, the mysterious person pushes a button, turning the television on. All are silent as the sinister stranger watches the screen... -O-O-O-O-O- "Good Morning," the smiling man on the screen said, "And welcome to Gotham This Morning. Tonight there is to be a gala event at the Kane estate, as a charity auction for the Wayne Foundation Children's Orphanage will be taking place. Up for auction will be gems, diamonds, rubies and other fabulous jewels from the estate of the late Rodney Johnson III, Esquire." "And here in our studio this morning are the two philanthropists most directly involved in tonight's charity event, Mr. Bruce Wayne and Miss Kate Kane. Now Miss Kane," the interviewer began as he turned his attention to the attractive socialite, "I understand these gems on auction tonight have been in the Johnson family for generations, correct?" "Indeed they have," she answered warmly. "The late Rodney Johnson III was a close friend of the Kane family, and I can't think of a better way to honor him than to offer up his family's collection to the highest bidder. I contacted Mr. Wayne, head of the Wayne Foundation, and he agreed to help me set up this charity sale for the orphans of Gotham." "I see. Mr. Wayne," the reporter now asked the handsome millionaire sitting to Kate's right, "I hear that interest in this collection is already growing among the elite of Gotham, and outside Gotham, for these priceless jewels, correct?" "Well," Bruce Wayne said with a smile, "Tonight I'm sure there'll be some stiff competition for Rod Johnson's family Jewels. But it's not just jewels, you see. There will also be twelve beautifully intricate Faberge Eggs up for auction, as well as nine diamond and ruby encrusted solid gold cat statues up for bid. More than anything though, tonight is for a good cause. I was orphaned as a child when my parents were killed during a mugging, and my young ward Dick Grayson also lost his parents to a senseless tragedy." "I see... Mr. Grayson wasn't able to be here with us this morning, correct?" "Yes, he had school today. But let me assure you, Dick's interest in the family jewels is just as intense as mine is. We both want to see tonight be a success, as does Miss Kane here." "Wonderful. And speaking of Miss Kane," the interviewer said as he focused once more on the stunning socialite, "Are you planning on bidding on the collection yourself tonight?" "No, not really," Kate answered, "I'm more interested in setting this auction up and seeing that the money goes to a worthy cause than actually participating in the event myself." "Really?" The reporter asked, "I'm a bit surprised to hear that, Miss Kane." "Trust me" The beautiful young redhead said with a smirk, "Unlike the rest of the women who will be there tonight, I have no interest whatsoever in Rod Johnson's family jewels." -O-O-O-O-O- The TV was turned off. A group of henchmen turned away from the screen to face their leader who was holding the TV remote. "A dozen Faberge' eggs." A menacing voice said. Stepping out from the shadows, Egghead smiled forebodingly as he crossed his arms. "Egg-celent," he sneered, "This will be my most egg-splosive plan yet! The only thing that may hamper it from hatching is that new dirty do-gooder, Batwoman." "Er... Say, Egghead," one of his henchmen said, "Have you heard the rumors about Batwoman?" "Rumors?" Egghead asked. "What do you mean? Be more egg-splicit." With that, the thug quickly came over and whispered something in the master criminal's ear. His jaw dropped as he looked wide-eyed at his hired gun. "No!" he gasped, "You mean, she's..." he asked, his voice dying off as he held up his hand, letting it hang limp-wristed. The henchman nodded his head. Egghead's face dropped. "What a shame," he sighed wistfully, "All those beautiful eggs, going to waste." There was a soft sound as his temporary partner slinked into view. "Oh, I don't know," Catwoman smiled, "I think she's purrfect." "What's that?" Egghead asked, "Catwoman, would you like to egg-splain that little comment?" "Actually, no," she said nonchalantly. "Rather than worry about me or Batwoman, let's just focus on tonight's crime chrome dome." "Humph," Egghead muttered, "Why don't you choke on a hairball you egg-sasporating..." "What?" Catwoman hissed, turning on her heels to face her cohort. "Um... Nothing, he, he..." Egghead said nervously. Composing himself, he faced the group of his and Catwoman's henchmen in the hideout, "Right, tonight we're going to Miss Kane's estate where the charity auction will take place. My men and I will sneak onto the premises into the basement where the fuse box is kept, while you," he said addressing Catwoman, "and your men will sneak to just outside the auction room, carrying a stick of dynamite I'll provide you with." "Purrrfect," Catwoman said with a sardonic grin. "And then, we'll wait until you and your men purrrform your roles and cut the lights." "Egg-sactly! And once the lights are out and all those rich, pompous buffoons are staggering around in the dark, my dynamite will egg-splode, creating a hole in the egg-xhibit room." "Yeah!" one of Egghead's men chimed in, carried away by the moment. "And then, when Catwoman gets in the room, she'll grab the family jewels and take em to the hole! We..." his voice died off as he caught sight of Catwoman's dangerously icy glare. She was frowning at him, standing with her hands angrily on her hips, and appeared to be planning all the fun ways she could kill him for what he'd just said. "Er... Uh... Let me rephrase that," he stuttered out, giving his boss an imploring look. "Well don't look at me," Egghead said, "You're the one who stepped in it; you'll have to egg-stricate yourself out of it." -(Spinning Batsignal)- -Several hours later, at the palatial Kane estate, the wealthiest and most affluent citizens of Gotham, along with several specially invited guests, mingled together prior to the evenings charity auction.- "Oh, Alfred," Aunt Harriet said as she and the Wayne's butler entered the party room, "Isn't it wonderful?" "Oh, quite madam," the refined British butler said, "And I must thank you and master Bruce for giving me the night off and inviting me here tonight." "Oh, of course dearie." Looking around to make sure they were alone, her demeanor changed as she leaned over and whispered out of the corner of her mouth, "I checked Alfred. The wine cellar is empty." "Thank god!" Alfred whispered back as he stroked the back of her hand with his index finger, "Another moment without you in my arms and I think I'll go mad with desire!" And so, as the two senior citizens ran off like a couple of teenagers to have a quickie in the wine cellar, Kate Kane entered the room in a stunning green dress that contrasted elegantly with her flowing red hair. The statuesque beauty looked around for a few seconds before spotting a familiar face. "Bruce!" she called over to the famous playboy and his young ward, "I've been looking for you and young Mr. Grayson here all evening." "My apologies Miss Kane," Bruce Wayne said with a smile, "But you know how it is, we..." "Mr. Wayne?" a young woman's voice called over. Bruce, Dick and Kate turned around to see special guests Commissioner Gordon and his daughter Barbara. "Gosh Barbara," Dick said with a smile, "I'm sure glad you and your father got those special invitations." "Indeed," the commissioner said, "My daughter and I wouldn't have missed this for anything." "Mr. Wayne," Barbara said again, "Do you know where a girl can powder her nose around here?" "Unfortunately no, Miss Gordon," Bruce admitted, "This is Miss Kane's mansion, and..." "That's okay Bruce," Kate said as she sauntered over to Barbara. "My name's Kate Kane, young lady. And this is my mansion. I can help you." She led Commissioner Gordon's daughter to a door to the back of the large room they were in. "Just take the third door to your right, go down the corridor, last door to your left. You can't miss it." "Thank you Miss Kane, I..." "Please, call me Kate." "Um, okay, thank you Kate. I really just..." "Haven't we met somewhere before?" the taller woman now asked as she came uncomfortably close to the younger woman, "I could've sworn I've seen eyes like yours somewhere, beautiful and shimmering..." "Er... Um... Right," Barbara said nervously as she backed away, "I really have to powder my nose. Be right back. Bye." And with that she hurried away, even as she tried to figure out what she could've possibly done different recently to make her somehow irresistible to other women. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -Meanwhile...- Egghead and his men had snuck in through a side window and crept down into the wine cellar looking for the fuse box. After fighting off the urge to gag as they snuck by a pair of old geezers going at it behind one of the large wine caskets, at last the master criminal and his criminal cohorts managed to find the fuse box. Elsewhere, Catwoman and her hoodlums waited outside the exhibit room with a stick of dynamite. The dynamite was clearly labeled "Eggheads Egg-splosive," and Catwoman rolled her eyes at the bad pun as she held it in her gloved hand. It was then that a door leading into the room was opened, and young Barbara Gordon wandered in. "Darn it," she fussed as she bit her lower lip in frustration, "I was able to find the ladies room alright, but now I'm lost." It was then that, without warning, the side wall exploded inward, knocking her to the ground. "Ow! Cough Cough What just happened?" "Hey Catwoman, look," a gruff male voice said, "There's somebody in here." "Fool!" Catwoman snarled, "Grab her and take her with us. We can't afford any witnesses." A group of hands seized onto young Barbara Gordon, overpowering her as a scarf was quickly utilized to gag her. As she was dragged away, Catwoman and the others quickly pilfered the Faberge' Eggs and the nine jewel encrusted cats. Back down in the cellar, Egghead and his men beat a quick exit even as Kate Kane ran down the stairs to the cellar, flashlight in hand. She ignored the two old folks rushing to get their clothes back on after the explosion startled them as she found the fuse box and got the lights back on. As she headed back upstairs, Bruce, Dick and the Commissioner had already discovered the theft. "Is everyone safe and accounted for?" Commissioner Gordon asked out of concern as he studied the hole blown in the wall. "I think so," Bruce said as Dick Grayson saw something white on the floor, "We..." "Bruce!" Dick said as he held up his find, "Look!" Sure enough, it was Barbara Gordon's invitation to the night's event. "Barbara," Commissioner Gordon gasped in horror, "Oh no." "Quick," Kate Kane said as she took charge of the situation, "Go back to police headquarters and contact Batman." "Right," Bruce said, "And no doubt after you call him you'll want to use the Bat Signal to try to reach Batgirl and Batwoman." "Yes," Gordon said as he rushed out, "You're right. This is a job for them!" -(Spinning Batsignal)- -And so, as the party broke up, Bruce and Dick rush back to Stately Wayne Manor with the disheveled Aunt May and exhausted Alfred in tow. Meanwhile Kate Kane quickly excused herself to rush to her room and change into her Batwoman costume.- -A short time later, in Commissioner Gordon's office...- "Dynamic Duo, thank heaven's you're here." Commissioner Gordon said as Batman and Robin rushed into the room followed by Batwoman. Gordon's features gave away his fearful state of mind at the thought of his young daughter being kidnapped. Turning away from Batman and Robin, he raised his eyebrows a bit at the newcomer. "And I take it you're the newest superhero crime fighter, Batwoman?" "Yes, Commissioner," Batwoman answered as an anxious Chief O'Hara entered the room, "And I promise you, I'll get you your daughter Barbara back," she said with a look of grim determination etched upon her attractive face. "Say," Chief O'Hara now asked, "Where the devil is Batgirl? Why isn't she here with Batman, Robin and Batwoman?" "I don't know," Gordon said, "And to be perfectly honest, I also don't know that I'm comfortable having your help in this matter, Batwoman." "What do you mean?" Batwoman asked, raising an eyebrow as she crossed her arms, "Why don't you feel comfortable?" "Well," Commissioner Gordon said as he avoided eye contact with the young woman, "It's not that I don't appreciate the offer young lady, but... Well dash it all, this is the sixties! And I've heard some rather risqué rumors about you Batwoman, and..." "Commissioner Gordon," Batwoman said in a low tone as she tried to keep her temper in check, "Before you go any further, I'd reconsider bringing up my sexuality if I were you. Because if you do decide to make my lesbianism an issue, soon you'll be forced to deal with other hot-button issues such as civil rights, the women's movement and Viet Nam War protestors. And quite frankly I don't think sixties America, let alone Gotham, is ready for that yet." "Saints preserve us Commissioner Gordon, she's right!" Chief O'Hara admitted reluctantly. "Besides commissioner, I hear enough about all that 'hot buttons' hullabaloo from my neighbor Archie Bunker's house every night when he and his son-in-law get into one of their shouting matches." "Hmm... Very well," Gordon sighed as he gave in. "Besides, it's not like it's the first time I've ever had to work with a lesbian. We did use to have a young lady named Renee Montoya on the force at one time." "Renee..." Batwoman whispered, a note of melancholy sadness washing over her as she remembered the last time she'd seen the lovely Latino. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -Six weeks earlier- Batwoman walked back and forth on the roof, pensively waiting for what she was sure would be a painful scene. Looking down at her prominently-labeled Bat-Watch, she sighed heavily. "Where is she?" she asked broodingly, "She should have been here seven minutes ago." "Am I seven minutes late?" a woman's voice asked as a waft of smoke in the form of a question mark suddenly appeared near the door to the roof, "Or only six?" With that, a woman wearing a trench coat and without a face stepped out of the shadows. "That, Batwoman, is the..." "Yeah, yeah, I know. 'That is the Question.' Look," Batwoman said glumly as she walked towards the newcomer, "Renee, we need to talk." "We do?" "Yes. God, this is so hard to say... Look, I don't think this is going to work out between us." "You don't?" the Question asked. "Why Kate?" "Well," Batwoman began, "For starters, ever since you've become the new Question, you've developed this incredibly annoying habit of answering every question I ask with a question of your own. Then there's the way that every time I try to have a conversation with you, whether it's about this case we're working on now or it's about my wants and needs, I end up coming away more confused than I was when I started! And..." she looked around to make sure there were no eavesdroppers before coming still closer and lowering her voice. "And our love life has been suffering too. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be intimate with someone who has no mouth?" "I... I see," the Question said, pain evident in her voice. "Can... Can we at least remain friends this time? I don't think I can go another ten years without having you in my life." "Of course," Batwoman said. The two ex-lovers exchanged a warm hug before separating. Finally, the caped crusader spoke up, "Tell you what; just for old times' sake, let's finish this latest case together." "Sounds good to me," the Question said, smiling behind her mask. "Good," Batwoman said with a smile; things had gone far smoother than she'd at first anticipated, and she was greatly relieved by that. "Now then, about the case... I need to follow up on some leads. What's the D.A.'s name involved in all this again?" "No," the Question corrected, "Watts is the crooked judge." "I'm not asking you who's the crooked judge." "No, Who's the D.A." "I don't know." "He's the informant in lockup getting the third-degree; we're not talking about him." Batwoman made a face behind her mask as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're doing it again," she grumbled under her breath. "How did I get to the guy getting the third-degree?" "You mentioned the man's name," the Question explained. "If I mentioned the guy getting the third-degree, what's the name I mentioned?" "No, Watts is the crooked judge." "I'm not asking who's the crooked judge!" Batwoman yelled out angrily. "No, Who's the D.A." "I don't know!" "Third Degree!" both women yelled out. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -The Present- "Holy annoying randomness, Batman!" Robin exclaimed. "Commissioner," Batman asked, "Just how much of the collection up for auction was stolen. Perhapse there's a clue in the actual theft." "Well, besides most of the rubies and diamonds, the crook who kidnapped my precious girl also stole the most prized items; the twelve Faberge' Eggs and the jewel encrusted gold cats." "Holy grand larceny!" Robin growled out angrily, "Those fiends not only kidnapped Miss Gordon, but then they yanked out the family jewels!" "Aye, that they did, Caped Crusader," Chief O'Hara put in. "And nabbing Rod Johnson's Family Jewels must've been a hard job to pull off." "Quite," Batwoman agreed, "Far too hard for a normal crook to pull off." "Right, Batwoman," Batman put in, "Which means we must be dealing with a super-villain... Or super-villains." "Why what do you mean, Batman?" Gordon asked. "Think about it; who do we know who'd be interested in stealing a dozen Faberge' Eggs?" "Holy rotten egg!" Robin exclaimed, "Egghead!" "Precisely, old chum," Batman said, "And who do we know that might be interested in nabbing nine jewel encrusted cat statues?" "Catwoman, of course!" O'Hara responded. "Gosh and begorah, you mean to say..." "Exactly," Batman went on, "Catwoman and Egghead must have joined forces." "My daughter," Commissioner Gordon gasped, "In the hands of those two..." "I suggest we split up," Batman said as he addressed Batwoman, "Robin and I will go after Egghead while you chase down Catwoman." "Agreed," Batwoman said, "Let's go!" and with that, all three heroes ran out of the office to save Barbara Gordon and nab Catwoman and Egghead. After they left, Chief O'Hara turned to Commissioner Gordon. "Say Gordon, after our shift ends, you want to go to this nice little pub I know over on the east side of Gotham?" "What? You mean go out for a drink?" Gordon asked in shock, "Chief O'Hara, I never thought you the sort for strong drink." "Well," O'Hara responded, "I can see that Barbara's kidnapping has you on edge, and I thought a drink or two might calm your nerves. And besides," he added, "After all this talk of nabbing Johnson's family jewels I could really use a stiff one." -(Spinning Batsignal)- -And so, as Batman and the Boy Wonder rush to their magnificent Batmobile...- "Gosh," Robin said as he got into the Batmobile on the passenger side, "Both Batgirl and Barbara Gordon disappearing at the same time. What are the chances?" "Yes, old chum," Batman said as he sat behind the wheel, "Strange indeed... Much like how Bat-Granny disappeared right around that time Aunt Harriet broke her hip. But there's no time to dwell on such bizarre coincidences, Robin. Commissioner Gordon's daughter is in the clutches of that Felonious Feline and that egg obsessed madman! Let's go, we haven't a moment to lose!" -(Spinning Batsignal)- -...Batwoman was following up on a hunch.- "Hmmm..." she said to herself thoughtfully, "At the top floor of the apartment complex at the corner of Kitty Boulevard are the abandoned offices of the Happy Puss Cat Toy Company. It's a long shot, but it just might be exactly the kind of place Catwoman would hide out at." And so, a short time later our favorite lesbian crime fighter found herself outside the building in question. Tying a rope to one of her Batarangs, she swung it up to the roof where it caught securely around a rooftop flagpole. Tugging on the line to make sure it was secure, she held the cord in an iron grip as she used it to walk up the outside of the building. Halfway up the structure, she heard an odd noise coming out of one of the windows. Looking in, she saw two women, a fellow redhead and a brunette, engaged in a passionate kiss. Suddenly, one of the two opened her eyes a crack and saw Batwoman. "Oh no!" the brunette gasped, "Lucy, look! We've been discovered!" "It must be a private detective," the redhead said as tears started to fill her eyes. "My husband must've been suspicious of us and hired her to catch us in the act. Waaaah! Now I'll really never get to go to the Club Babaloo, and he'll probably take Little Ricky away from me for being a bad parent too! Waaaah!" "I know," the other sobbed, "And when my husband Fred finds out, he'll divorce me. I don't have any money saved up to support myself either. Waaaah!" "I don't either, Ethel. Waaaah!" "Ladies, ladies, please," Batwoman said in a soothing tone, "I'm not a private investigator hired by your husbands." "(sniff) Y... You're not?" the redhead asked. "No, I'm just a superhero who's climbing up the outside of your building to sneak into the secret lair of a nefarious super villain. That's all." "Ooh..." both women sighed in relief. "Then you're not going to say anything about all this, are you?" the brunette asked. "Heaven's no," Batwoman answered with a wink, "I know how it is, girls." And with that, she turned her attention back to climbing up the building. "I thought we were done for," the brunette said to the redhead. "I know," her lover responded, "But even if we did end up loosing everything, you'd still have me." "Aww... I love you, Lucy Ricardo." "And I love you, Ethel Mertz." As the two women went back to making out, Batwoman finally reached the top floor. Climbing into the nearest window, she found herself in a darkened room and, feeling around blindly, she found a light switch and turned the lights on. There, gagged and tied to a chair in the middle of the room, was Barbara Gordon. "You poor, defenseless girl," Batwoman cried out as she rushed towards the helpless young woman, "Just hold on while I remove your gag." As Batwoman undid the scarf around Barbara's mouth, the younger girl looked up at her wide-eyed with fear. "Batwoman, look out!" she screamed, "It's a trap!" "What?" Batwoman asked. In reply, a giant net dropped from the ceiling down onto the caped crusader. "No!" the redhead cried as she fell to the ground struggling to escape the net. As she did so, the ominous sounds of sinister laughter filled the room as Catwoman and Egghead entered the room. "Egg-selent!" Egghead said giddy with joy, "She fell for it egg-xactly as we planned." "Purrrr..." Catwoman purred as she reached through the netting to stroke the side of Batwoman's attractive face, "Purrrhapse you should leave both of them to me, Eggy." "Very well," Egghead said. "I leave them both with you to dispose of. Terminate with egg-streme prejudice," he said as he exited the room, leaving Batwoman and Barbara Gordon in Catwoman's clutches. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -Elsewhere in Gotham, the Dynamic Duo in their Batmobile runs into an unforeseen dilemma.- "Confound it!" Batman snapped irritably behind the wheel, "Something's wrong with the Batmobile. Robin, did you do the routine maintenance on the Batmobile's engine this month like I told you to?" "Holy unfair accusations, Batman!" Robin said defensively, "Of course I took care of the routine maintenance. I did the oil change you requested and put the required motor oil in the reservoir on the left of the turbo thruster, and..." "Oh no, old chum!" Batman exclaimed, "The oil reservoir's to the right of the turbo thruster... You dumped the oil into the antifreeze!" he cried out as the car jittered to a dead stop, smoke pouring out from under the hood. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -As Batman and Robin find themselves stranded somewhere in Gotham thanks to Robin's stupidity, Batwoman and Barbara Gordon are tied down to a conveyer belt by Catwoman's men.- "You filthy feline!" Batwoman spat out, "What are you going to do to us?" "I'm glad you asked," Catwoman said as she slinked over, "Do you know what this machine does?" she asked. Taking their blank stares for a negative, she smiled as she continued, "It's a catnip grinder. Raw catnip is dumped onto this conveyer belt, is ground down in there," she said as she pointed to the end of the conveyer belt where a series of spiked rollers sat ready to grind anything fed into it, "And is then put into cat toys such as toy mice and little toy balls." "You creep!" Barbara Gordon cried out as she pulled at her ropes. "You'll never get away with this," Batwoman hissed, "I..." she was silenced as Catwoman pressed a finger against her lips. "Shhh... Batwoman, you don't need to die," Catwoman said in a seductive voice as she leaned forward. "Ever since I first saw you I've had... Strange yearnings," she admitted. "Join me. Together, we can rule Gotham!" "Never," Batwoman said as she narrowed her eyes angrily, "I'd rather die first!" "(Sigh) Too bad," Catwoman said as she turned away from Batwoman and sashayed across the room. "Have it your way. Come," she ordered her henchmen as she flicked a switch, setting the machine in motion. "We could've had something," Catwoman said angrily as her men left the room, "Gotham could've been ours, but you spurned me, and nobody spurns Catwoman! Remember that as your both ground to pulp." With that Catwoman left as well, leaving Batwoman and Barbara Gordon tied down to the slowly moving conveyer belt carrying them inch by inch to their destruction. -(Spinning Batsignal)- -Oh no! Is this to be the end of our Lovely Lesbian Legionnaire against crime? Ground down into cat nip along with Barbara Gordon? Will the Dynamic Duo somehow get the Batmobile up and running in time to save the day, or will it be up to Batwoman alone to escape and nab Catwoman and Egghead? Tune in next time for the exciting answers. Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!- ------ End Notes: Thanks go to Shanejayell for suggesting I just team up Egghead and Catwoman when I couldn't decide which one to use, as well as for suggesting jewel encrusted solid gold cats as well as Faberge' Eggs being up for auction to explain just why they would join forces. Also, the scene of Batwoman walking up the outside of the building via the Batrope was of course inspired by the original 60s series. Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed chapter one: this chapter is dedicated to each and every one of you.
Back to Na, Na, Na, Na, Batwoman! Index - Back to Non-Anime Fanfiction Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction