Author's Notes- This was originally presented as chapter twenty-nine of another comedy series of mine, Mamoru Must Die, but I thought that the idea was funny enough to spin it off on its own. This will therefore be updated periodically with new celebrity guests, so stay tuned. ------ "Ladies and gentleman," a monotone female voice announces, "It's now time for everyone's favorite celebrity talk-show, the Mireille Bouquet show," the announcer declared as loud applause is heard and a stage set with a large desk and several small chairs set up to the side of it appear on the screen, "And now, ladies and gentleman, Mireille Bouquet." Loud applause as the blonde Corsican comes out, bowing to the crowd. "Thank you, thank you all," she says as she smiles out at the crowd, "And let's also hear it for our announcer: the Ed McMahan to my Johnny Carson, Kirika Yumura." Loud applause is once again heard as the young Japanese woman in question now comes on screen. "Say 'hi' to everyone," Mireille says. "Mmm." Kirika mutters. Mireille goes over to sit behind the desk while Kirika takes the seat nearest her. "We have an exciting show for you tonight folks," Mireille announces, "Tonight we have as our guests none other than Sailor Moon, Sailor..." Mireille had to stop momentarily as the crowd erupted in cheering for the famous Japanese superhero, "Sailor Mars, and..." again she had to stop for the applause, "And Tuxedo Kamen," the silence following the announcement of the last guest was deafening. "Also tonight, Kirika here will be reviving one of our most popular features, 'women's self defense.' As you know, Kirika and I are ex-assassins who have left that dangerous world behind. Which wasn't always easy, since before we landed this gig we had to work for a short time as prep cooks at a Denny's, but that's all in the past now," she said with a smile, "If you'll remember, so far Kirika has shown us all how to take down an opponent with a pair of sunglasses, as well as how to incapacitate an attacker with the wheel axle off of a toy truck. Tonight, she'll show us all how to defend ourselves using a lobster tank and a microphone. But first, it's time for viewer mail," Mireille announced cheerfully. "And the first letter's for me. 'Dear Mireille, why do you only apply lipstick to your bottom lip?' Hmm... I don't know, that's just the way Corsican women do it, I guess," she answered as Kirika opened up her letter. "'Dear Kirika,'" she read, "'You're always so depressing and serious. Why don't you ever do anything spontaneous or silly?'" she looked blankly at the letter after reading it, then looked up at the audience with the same blank expression she usually had. She then laid the letter down on the seat next to her, stood up, and left the stage. A few seconds later, she returned to the stage with a black top hat. She put the hat on and proceeded to hop two inches into the air. She then took the top hat off, and walked off stage again. A moment or two later she returned without the hat and sat once again in her seat next to Mireille. "There now," she said in her usual quiet voice, the barest hint of a smile gracing her lips. Mireille's mouth hung open for a few seconds as she studied her partner, trying to figure out what to make of the little display. Finally, she just shook her head in disbelief. "You are a disturbing enigma," the blonde told her as she picked up her next letter, "'Dear Mireille, I can't help but notice you wear the same pair of black boots all the time. Doesn't that... stink up the apartment when you take them off?'" she read, her eye starting to twitch as her face slowly turned red, "'I mean, if I were Kirika I'd be going to the apartment window all the time too... for fresh air. I...' Grrrrr.... Who wrote this?" she asked as she searched for the name of the writer, "'Seymour Butts,' eh? Well you listen here Mr. Butts," she said angrily, "When I find out where you live, I'm going to hunt you down and... Never mind, you'll find out soon enough," she threatened, "Kirika, read your next letter." "Mmm," the Japanese woman answered, "'Dear Kirika, in a battle to the death between an army of the inept assassins in business suits you and Mireille used to fight, an army of inept Star Wars storm troopers, and an army of Star Trek guys in red suits, who would win?' Mmm... The storm troopers, because the Star Trek guys in red suits are the most inept of the three, and while phaser fire can penetrate a storm trooper's armor, a bullet from a semi-automatic handgun might not be able to," she answered, once again getting a weird look from the Corsican host of the show. "Riiiiight..." Mireille mumbled as she opened the next letter to her, "Look folks, a letter all the way from the US! 'Dear Mireille, I know you're in France and all, but could you please do all of us at home a favor and shave your armpits?' Wha... Signed by 'Rosy Palm and her five sisters,' eh? Miss Palm, I don't care how many sisters you have; when I come after you they'll not be able to save you! I'll... Grrrr..." the blonde growled as she crumpled up the letter and threw it behind her, "Kirika, read your next letter." "Mmm." Kirika answered, "'Dear Kirika, I'm a huge fan of yours,'" she read, her usual sadly distant expression fading as once again her features lightened up into a smile. She continued, "'I'm also a big fan of loli,'" she read, "'And if I ever got you alone in a room with me, I'd tear your clothes off and...'" Kirika's eyes suddenly opened wide and her jaw went slack as she continued reading silently. Mireille tore the letter from her grasp in alarm and quickly scanned it. "'...rope and hot fudge...'?" the blonde read. She quickly crumpled the letter up and threw it behind her with the other letter already back there, "That's it; viewer mail's over!" she yelled angrily, "And now," she said as she tried her best to calm down, "Let's bring out our first guest, Sailor Moon." The audience broke out into loud applause as the odango wearing Senshi came out on stage, waving to everyone in the audience. Kirika got up to take the next seat over so that the guest could have the chair closest the host. "Thank you for having me on your show," the heroine said, as she bowed her head first to Mireille then to Kirika. The blonde host of the show smiled back. "So tell us," she said, "Since your show went off the air, what have you been up to?" "Well," the bubbly blonde superhero began, "Of course there's still youma's to fight, and I'm preparing to become the future queen of Crystal Tokyo, but mainly I've been doing a lot of charity work. You know, visiting sick kids in hospitals, that sort of thing," she said as the crown applauded her well-known charitable efforts. "Well that sounds wonderful," Mireille said, "You know, Kirika here is pretty charitable too, isn't that right?" she said, addressing her partner. "Mmm." The young Japanese woman answered, "I once killed an old man in an Eastern European village." Sailor Moon tilted her head and raised her right eyebrow questioningly, "How was that charitable?" she asked. "I took care of his cat afterwards." Kirika answered. "So," Mireille interjected, a sly smile playing on her face, "I've done a bit of background work, and the rumor is you and Tuxedo Kamen have something going on," she said as the audience began to "Oooo." Sailor Moon smiled awkwardly as she blushed, "Well," she gushed, "We're actually engaged to be married," she admitted as the audience applauded for her. "That's just great," Mireille said, "And now, for our second guest. She's the stunningly beautiful Senshi of Fire, and quite possibly Sailor Moon's best friend. Let's give a warm round of applause to Sailor Mars!" she shouted as the raven haired heroine came out on stage. Sailor Moon stood up and the two Senshi gave each other a warm hug as the audience cheered for them. Kirika and the future queen then both moved down so Sailor Mars could now have the chair next to the host. "Sailor Mars," the blonde host began, "Since the defeat of Galaxia, you've kept a much lower profile than your fellow Senshi. I mean, unless you're tackling a youma, you're never in public. What's the story?" "Well," Mars began, "I've always been a bit private, I guess." "I see," Mireille said, "So, we now know Sailor Moon's engaged. Anyone special in your life?" she asked. "Well..." Sailor Mars said, a bit uncomfortably, "There is someone I... I've fallen in love with from afar, but they're already involved." "Mmm," Kirika said, noting the sad look in Mars' eyes, "If you'd like Mireille and I to take care of the other person..." "Kirika!" Mireille interrupted, "We're not taking assignments anymore, remember?" "Mmm." The Japanese co-host muttered. "The person I'm in love with, she..." "She?" Sailor Moon interrupted, "I never knew you were a lesbian." "How about that, audience?" Mireille said, "You heard it here first." "Well," Mars said as she stared directly into her fellow Senshi's baby blue eyes, "I... I've loved her for so long, watching her grow from a klutzy crybaby to a beautiful young princess..." Sailor Moon's eyes widened suddenly as it dawned on her, "Mars," she gasped, suddenly feeling butterflies in the pit of her stomach. As the two Senshi lost themselves in each other's eyes, Mireille broke the heavy silence, "And now, our third guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Tuxedo Kamen!" she announced. As a small handful of people out in the audience started to clap, the tuxedo clad hero came out onto the stage, taking his seat once everyone moved down for him. The blonde host was about to ask her first question, when her co-host spoke up first "Kamen-san," Kirika asked, "Why do you wear a cape? Doesn't it get in the way when you go to kill somebody?" Tuxedo Kamen looked at her funny, "Okay, first off, I don't kill people. I fight youma. Secondly, I only agreed to come on this stupid show because my fiancée is a fan for some reason, so if you don't mind let the babe in the tight red shirt behind the desk ask the questions so I can get out of here, okay?" Kirika looked sadly away from the masked hero and stared down at the floor. The camera quickly panned over to Mireille, who did not look at all pleased having her partner talked to in such a rude manner, "Mr. Kamen," she said in a dangerously low tone, "You've hurt Kirika's feelings. Please apologi..." "Yeah whatever. Sorry," he said nonchalantly, "By the way, I caught a clip of one of your TV episodes before it was cancelled." "We weren't cancelled," the Corsican said as her eyes slowly narrowed in anger, "We only signed up for twenty-six episodes." "Sure you did," Tuxedo Kamen answered sarcastically. "Tuxedo Kamen," Sailor Mars said, "Why are you being so rude? Kirika and Mireille have been wonderful hostesses to us." "Yes," Sailor Moon agreed as she turned to her right where Kirika was sitting. She looked into the ex-assassin's eyes as she addressed her, "I truly am sorry for the way my fiancée is acting," she said as she placed a consoling hand over the Japanese girl's, "Please don't feel bad." As Sailor Moon addressed Kirika, the normally somber young woman seemed to brighten up considerably. There was something about the future queen's pure heart that seemed to touch everybody, even the ex-assassin who'd committed sin upon sin in her lifetime. Mireille likewise was touched by the two Senshi sticking up for her and her partner, and spoke up for both of them. "Thank you," the blonde host said, "We..." "Why am I being rude?" Tuxedo Kamen broke in as he addressed Sailor Mars' question, "I travel twelve hours on a plane, get no sleep, and then spend three hours in a tiny green room backstage, just so I can appear on this show hosted by these crazy girls with guns, and..." "Whoa!" Mireille said, finally having had enough of the rude future king, "Wait a minute, hold on; crazy... Crazy girls with guns?" she asked, her left eye beginning to twitch once again as her hands started shaking, "Crazy girls with... Kirika, did... Did he just insult us?" she asked her partner. "Mmm." Kirika answered as she nodded, adding, "I heard things." "Look," Tuxedo Kamen said as Mireille stood up and walked off stage, "I'm tired, I haven't eaten in a day and a half, and I'm in a country where they apparently have never heard of deodorant," he said as Mireille came back on stage with a baseball bat, "And to top it all off, Sailor Mars announces to the world she's gay. I'd say that's enough to make anyone cranky." "There's nothing wrong with being gay!" Mars yelled back defensively, "And besides, I'm not the only gay Senshi and you know it!" "You know," Tuxedo Kamen shot back as Mireille stood behind him, holding the bat like a baseball player as she began to take a few practice swings to loosen herself up, "Your problem is you just can't find a guy who'd want you. Besides, being a guy, I've got something you'll never have. It takes a guy to please a woman, right?" he said as he looked down towards the co-host. The young Japanese woman shook her head, "Me and Mireille are together," Kirika said, "And we have no need of any guy." "You what?" Tuxedo Kamen snickered as Mireille now aimed for his head, "You're a little young, aren't you. I mean, gees, people call me a cradle robber because I'm so much older than Sailor Moon, but..." -CRACK!- Tuxedo Kamen fell to the floor of the stage clutching his head in agony. Sailors Moon and Mars looked on in shock as Kirika walked over to Mireille. "Kirika," Mireille said as she smiled broadly, "Shall we dance?" "Mmm." The younger woman answered, at which point the two women began kicking and stomping the living crap out of Tuxedo Kamen. After a few minutes, the two stopped. "I think we went to far," Mireille said, noting that the hero was no longer breathing. "Mmm." Kirika answered, "I just killed a Japanese superhero, but feel no remorse. Why?" "Maybe because he was an obnoxious jerk." The blonde host quipped. "Mmm." Kirika answered as she nodded. Meanwhile, as the shock began to wear down, Sailor Moon turned to her companion. "Mars," she began, "If... If only I'd known sooner." Sailor Mars smiled as tears of joy began to fill her eyes, "You... You mean..." The blonde Senshi answered her by drawing her into a kiss. "For a while now," she finally answered as they separated briefly, "But duty prevented me, and I was scared to tell you how I felt. But now that these nice ladies have brutally murdered my fiancée, I..." she was cut off as Sailor Mars pulled her into a second kiss. The camera then panned over to Mireille and Kirika. The Corsican had one arm affectionately draped over her Japanese partner's shoulder while the other still clung onto the baseball bat. "You know," Mireille said fondly, "It feels good to be able to bring people together like that." "Mmm." Mireille then turned to the camera, "Well, that's the end of the show," she said. She slowly began to look irritated, "I said that's the end of the show!" she yelled as she started coming towards the camera with the baseball bat. "That's it!" she shouted as she swung her bat at the screen, causing the picture to become broken. The sounds of a cameraman being viciously assaulted by the two ex-assassins could be heard in the background as the closing credits to The Mireille Bouquet Show appeared. ---To Be Continued--- End Notes- a little idea inspired by the "Joe Pesci Show" sketch from Saturday Night Live.
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