Masquerade
You know, Natsuki, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you might decide, trying to figure out on my own what’s your most likely decision. Maybe it’s just me being hopeful, but I’ve actually come to believe that you’ll indeed decide that you can love me how I love you. Simply the fact that you think now it might be a possibility was a big clue for me. It seems to me to be just what would happen if you were capable of loving me, and are just now struggling to open up your heart.
Also, how you reacted when I kissed you last night was very encouraging, too. You knew the emotions that were behind the kiss, and you didn’t mind it at all. I didn’t feel you tensing up or backing away from it; you just blushed when it landed. Did you feel any sensations you didn’t know how to describe during it, maybe as if your heart were fluttering in your chest? If you did, as I dearly hope, then all you need to do is connect the dots in your mind to realize that you already love me.
With a heart that flutters whenever you’re around,
Shizuru
Shizuru heard Yukino’s footsteps beyond the door as the other girl approached. The door didn’t open immediately after the footsteps stopped, though. Presumably Yukino also needed a last moment to steady herself before seeing Shizuru. It wasn’t an encouraging sign, but it was to be expected.
When Yukino opened the door, however, her face bore a mask that made Shizuru proud of her successor. If Shizuru hadn’t known that Yukino would be nervous as hell, she never would have guessed it. “Thank you for coming, Fujino-san,” Yukino said as she gestured for Shizuru to enter. “I’ve brewed some tea for you; I hope it’s up to your standards.”
Shizuru felt another twinge of pride for Yukino’s ability to put up a pleasant mask. If she were to keep this up around students, she had the potential to become as popular a president as Shizuru was. Possibly even more so, as people were never afraid to approach Yukino on an informal level. “Thank you, Kaichou-san,” Shizuru said, widening her smile slightly. “I’m sure your tea will be more than fine.”
Yukino nodded her head and moved aside to allow Shizuru in. Shizuru thought she saw a flash of discomfort sneak past Yukino’s mask, and the reason became apparent with Yukino’s next words. “Please, Fujino-san. There’s no need to be so formal here.”
Shizuru had built up quite a reputation in high school for being a master of intricate plans to get her way. To an extent, this was true, but a big part of the secret was in her ability to improvise and make it look like whatever happened was her plan all along. Spotting an opening to loosen up the situation here, she took it. “Very well then, Yukino-san, if you’ll address me as ‘Shizuru.’”
Yukino’s eyes widened in surprise, and it took her a moment to reform her mask. To make sure the other girl didn’t feel too bad about her slip, Shizuru let out a light chuckle and widened her smile more than her mask normally allowed, letting Yukino know that it would be alright to open up here. In response, a smile formed on Yukino’s face as well, and a slight blush rose to her cheeks. “Alright then… Shizuru-san.”
“So,” Shizuru said, shifting her expression into “mischievous” mode. “Where’s that tea you promised me?”
Yukino let out a chuckle, and Shizuru allowed herself a moment of pride for defusing the tension. “I’ve got a kettle brewed in the kitchen. Follow me,” she said as she led Shizuru to the kitchen. She started to pour out cups for Shizuru and herself. “I’m not sure if it’s your type, though.”
“Why are you so nervous about the tea, Yukino? I’m sure it will be fine,” Shizuru said. She took a sip in order to prove her point, only to have her eyes widen in surprise as she encountered a taste unlike any tea she’d previously had.
“I see Haruka-chan was right,” Yukino said as she saw Shizuru’s surprise, biting her lip nervously.
“Hmm?” Shizuru swished the tea around in her mouth to try to absorb all the taste. It had been quite a while since she’d tried a new type of tea, and she relished the experience of trying to identify every flavor contained in it.
“Well, Haruka-chan is actually quite a tea drinker, but when you became so known for it, she kind of resented being compared to you whenever she had a cup of tea.”
Let’s see, there’s a touch of lemon there, that’s for sure. And some orange, too; that seems to be the primary taste, though something’s a bit off. The taste of her first sip faded, Shizuru went to take another. She caught Yukino’s gaze on her path to the cup, and realized that she might have given the girl the wrong impression. “Not bad,” she said, and took a second sip.
An expression of relief spread across Yukino’s face. Apparently she’d decided to give up maintaining her mask, and Shizuru briefly wondered if she should do the same. Maybe a little. “So anyways,” Yukino said, “Haruka-chan wanted to stop being constantly compared to you, but she didn’t want to give up tea. After watching you for a while, she stumbled upon an idea when she realized that you only ever drank Japanese teas.”
Aha, so it’s probably not Japanese then. That would explain it. I guess I really should branch out more if there are such good international teas out there. I’ll have to thank Suzushiro-san sometime. Hmm, maybe I really should have tried to get to know her better in high school, but she just never seemed like my type. I guess that’s not much of an excuse, though.
“Haruka-chan went on a big international tea-drinking binge for a while, trying to find something she liked. Eventually, she decided that she liked British tea best, so she stuck with that.” As Yukino finished her explanation, she blew across the surface of her own cup and took a sip of her own.
Shizuru swallowed her second mouthful and said, “I can see why Suzushiro-san likes this. What’s this called?”
“Lady Grey,” Yukino said after swallowing. “It’s Haruka-chan’s favorite, so I always keep some around for her.”
“Ah, thank you. I might just have to pick some up for myself,” Shizuru said. Not the least so I can check the ingredients and figure out what that weird orange-like taste is.
Yukino’s eyes widened in what looked like fear. “But… Haruka-chan!” she said. “Then what’ll she drink?”
“Ara, well I maybe I’ll just drink it at home,” Shizuru said. “But I would like to patch things up with Suzushiro-san as well, so maybe we won’t have to be tea rivals forever.”
Yukino chuckled. “Shizuru-san and Haruka-chan working together? I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Indeed,” Shizuru said, as she let out a mental sigh. I guess it’s as good a way to broach the subject as I can hope to get. She dropped the smile from her expression and let her regret show through. “But I really would like to patch things up with her. I did a horrible thing to the two of you during the Carnival, and I really need to make amends for it.”
At the change in subject, the smile on Yukino’s face dropped in an instant and she broke eye contact with Shizuru. “Right,” she said. “That’s why you came, isn’t it?”
Shizuru nodded, but Yukino didn’t seem to notice. “Yes,” she said. “Would you like to sit down?”
“I think that would be best,” Yukino said. “Um, well, we can sit at the table here, if you’d like, or there are some comfier chairs in the other room.”
“Here’s fine,” Shizuru said, pulling out a chair nearby and taking a seat. “Closer to the tea.” Yukino gave a half-hearted smile at Shizuru’s joke and took her own seat.
Shizuru wasn’t sure how to best continue their discussion, and so she and Yukino remained silent for many minutes as they sipped their tea. As the silence grew increasingly uncomfortable, Shizuru broke it by saying the only thing she could think of, “I’m sorry, Yukino-san.”
Her apology was met by a stiff nod from Yukino. “We all did things then that we regret now,” she said. “With all the stress of the situation, where we were told that we were fated to defeat each other, lest the world end, not to mention the Obsidian Lord and Nagi actively trying to provoke us into fighting each other and the HiME star amplifying our negative emotions, it’s no wonder things went so wrong.”
You’re the one trying to make me feel better about this, Yukino-san? You certainly are stronger than I ever gave you credit for before this all happened. “Thank you, Yukino-san,” Shizuru said. “But I can’t blame my actions on all of that. Other HiME, like you, were able to resist it. In the end, I made the choice myself, and that’s something I have to live with.” Shizuru felt her mask weakening as her regret threatened to overwhelm her. She relented a little and let her emotions show through a little; it was probably better in this situation anyway.
“That’s not true,” Yukino said. The sound of her voice cracking as she said this drew Shizuru’s attention away from her own struggle to hold in her emotions, and she realized that Yukino was barely holding back tears herself. “Earlier in the Carnival, I received a message on my phone. It told me to kill Mai-san or else the sender would kill Haruka-chan.”
Yukino choked back a sob. Seeing the girl in pain like this brought back painful memories in Shizuru of the night she’d killed Haruka. She reached out and grasped Yukino’s hand, which had been threatening to shatter her teacup. She then met it with her other hand and lightly patted it, trying to comfort Yukino as best as she could.
Yukino looked up at Shizuru and gave a weak smile. After a moment and a deep breath, she continued her story. “It was the worst decision I’d ever faced in my life. If I didn’t attack Mai, I’d lose Haruka-chan. But if I did attack her, I’d be betraying everything Haruka-chan believed in, plus killing Takumi-kun and devastating Mai-san.”
Tears leaked from Yukino’s eyes. She’d probably told no one about this before, and it felt kind of weird for Shizuru to be the first one she told. “In the end, I made the same decision you did. I attacked Mai-san to protect Haruka-chan, even though I was betraying her by doing so. If Mikoto-chan hadn’t stopped me, I would have killed Mai-san. And then, despite that, Mai-san still stopped Mikoto-chan from killing me.
“Mai-san was so strong then. She tried to hold us together as much as she could, but it would no use. And later, after Takumi-kun died, even Mai-san herself lost control and attacked Mikoto-chan.” A fire seemed to surge within Yukino’s eyes as she said this, and a determined look crossed her face. She brought her other hand up to meet Shizuru’s hands, trying to support her in turn. “You see, Shizuru-san? It wasn’t just you. We all snapped at one point and attacked each other for the sake of our loved ones. The only difference is that you succeeded and actually defeated me and Nao-san.”
Shizuru closed her eyes to hold back the tears that she knew were waiting to get out, trying to preserve as much of her façade as possible. “Thank you, Yukino-san.” After a steadying breath, she risked opening eyes so that she could make eye contact with the other girl and let a small smile spread across her face. “I came here with the intent of convincing you to forgive me, Yukino-san, but here you are trying to convince me I’m worthy of forgiveness. Thank you.”
Yukino brought their clasped hands up to her lips and gave Shizuru’s right hand a light kiss. “You’re welcome, Shizuru-san. And I do forgive you, don’t worry.”
They stayed in that position for a few more minutes, but eventually the temptation got to be too much for Shizuru. She lightly extracted her hands from Yukino’s grasp and returned them to her teacup to take another sip. After enjoying the delightful new taste, she remarked, “Ara, we should have these tea parties more often. Maybe we could even get Suzushiro-san to join us.”
“Heh,” Yukino took the opportunity to take another sip from her own cup. “I don’t know, having you and Haruka-chan together sounds like a recipe for some pretty sour tea.”
“Ara, I have a few ideas of how to patch things up with Suzushiro-san, but we don’t have to worry about that now, I guess.” Shizuru took another sip of her tea and remarked to herself that Haruka had quite good taste. There might be a way to get through to her with that, but it would take a bit more planning. But before then, there was one other subject Shizuru had wanted to bring up with Yukino. Perhaps it could give her a way to make reparations with the girl. “By the way, how are things going between you and Suzushiro-san?”
“Well, it’s going to be a bit tough now that we aren’t going to the same school anymore,” Yukino said. She appeared to be a bit confused as to why Shizuru was inquiring about this particular subject, but she made no mention of it. “We’ve always been together since we met. We’re going to make an effort though to keep in contact, so once I get into university we can pick up right where we left off.”
“That’s not quite what I meant,” Shizuru said. As she took another sip of her tea, she noticed that the cup was running low. She poured herself another cup and asked Yukino, “How are you doing for tea?”
“I’m good, thanks,” Yukino said, her brow still knitted in confusion over Shizuru’s previous statement. “So, um, what did you mean?”
“Ara, Yukino, I’m talking about how you really feel about Suzushiro-san,” Shizuru said, carefully placing a knowing glint in her eyes. “I know I was acting like a monster when I said it during the Carnival, but I still believe my assessment was correct. The way you look at Suzushiro-san is something I know well, and it’s not simple admiration or friendship.”
Yukino seemed to recoil from this suggestion, and her cheeks were flushed red. As she didn’t seem likely to say anything right away, Shizuru reassured her. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about, Yukino; we can’t control our feelings.” Yukino gave a stiff nod, and Shizuru knew that she was on the right track. “You mentioned that night that you weren’t like me, but you were just referring to the fact that you’d never betrayed your friendship with Suzushiro-san to act on your feelings, weren’t you?” Another stiff nod.
Yukino still seemed to be paralyzed, perhaps from uncertainty, maybe embarrassment. Shizuru decided to take another tact to get her to open up, by shifting the subject away to see how she’d react. It was also a good chance to clear the air over one last issue between her and Yukino. “By the way, Yukino,” Shizuru said. “I’m not sure what you thought you saw me do to Natsuki, but that kiss was the only time I ever betrayed her.”
Yukino started to blink rapidly in confusion, trying to process the subject change. Eventually, she said, “But… I saw you lie down with her… on top of her.”
Ah, so that’s it. “Don’t tell her I told you this,” Shizuru said, “but Natsuki has nightmares. That time was particularly bad for her, and I’d often see her thrashing and moaning in her sleep. I couldn’t bear to see her like that, so I did whatever I could to settle her down. Sometimes just putting my hand on her shoulder and talking soothing words to her was enough. Other times I gave her a hug, and you must have seen one of those.”
“Ah, okay then,” Yukino said. She seemed to have loosened up a bit.
“The point is, Yukino-san,” Shizuru said, pressing her opportunity to get back on track. “Natsuki forgave me for taking advantage of her. She even decided that she was happy about the way I felt about her, and right now she’s trying to figure out if she can feel the same way. Suzushiro-san is a good person, and I know she cares about you more than anything else. She might be able to return your feelings, but you’ll never know if you don’t give her the chance. Even if she can’t, I’m sure she’ll accept them as Natsuki has mine.”
Yukino had started slowly nodding her head midway through Shizuru’s speech, which had encouraged Shizuru to continue. After Shizuru finished, Yukino nodded for a few more seconds and then said, “Alright, Shizuru-san. I’ll think about it, okay?”
Shizuru let her smile widen in pride for the younger girl. “Don’t think too long, Yukino-san. It will be a lot harder to start a relationship once you and Suzushiro-san are back in school. This summer is the best chance you’ll get.”
“Yeah,” Yukino said. “And Haruka-chan will probably need time to think about it, too.”
“Ara, so you’ll tell her then?”
Yukino sighed. “Maybe. I still want to think about it a bit, and figure out the best way if I decide to.”
Shizuru gave Yukino her most gracious smile. “You can feel free to talk to me about this, Yukino-san, if you’re having trouble deciding.”
Yukino nodded. “Thank you, Shizuru-san.” Yukino took a deep sip of her tea and let out a sigh. “I’m really sorry, Shizuru-san, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to think about this on my own for a bit.”
“Of course, Yukino-san,” Shizuru said. She took a deep sip of her own to finish up her cup of tea and then stood up from the table. “I hope you’ll make the right decision. Suzushiro would have to be quite a fool to reject you.”
A deep blush spread through Yukino’s face, and the sight reminded Shizuru of the blushes she always tried to induce in Natsuki. “Thank you, Shizuru-san.” Shizuru nodded and smiled at Yukino. She walked by the girl on her way out and gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder.
As Shizuru left Yukino’s dorm, she pulled her cell phone out of her purse and switched it back on. Her heart sank when she saw the display flashing that she’d missed a call from Natsuki, but she decided to try to be hopeful that Natsuki wanted to talk to her now rather than regretful that she’d missed the call. Well, no point waiting any longer, she decided as she hit the speed-dial for Natsuki.
The phone was picked up after three rings, but it wasn’t Natsuki who answered. “Ah, hello Fujino-san,” Mai answered.
“Ara? What are you doing answering Natsuki’s phone, Tokiha-san?” Shizuru asked.
“Well, that’s what I was going to call you about earlier,” Mai said. “Natsuki came to visit me earlier, and she was looking pretty crappy, but said it was just a lack of sleep. I came by to check up on her a bit later, as I didn’t quite believe that sleep deprivation could make her look quite that bad. It turns out I was right, as I found her passed out on her bed running a high fever.”
Natsuki… Shizuru’s heart froze in her chest at the thought of Natsuki being sick and in pain. She’d seen Natsuki like that before, and the sight had nearly torn her heart apart.
“I’m pretty sure she’s got a flu,” Mai said. “So as long as we take good care of her, there shouldn’t be too much to worry about. But she is going to be pretty out of it for a week or so. I figured you’d want to know about this, and seeing you might help cheer her up when she comes to.”
“Ara, thank you, Tokiha-san,” Shizuru said. “I’ll be right over there.” Shizuru flipped her phone closed and started walking as quickly as she could to Natsuki’s dorm without looking like she was in a panic.
Ara, please be alright, Natsuki. I’m coming to take care of you now. I know you wanted time apart from me, but this really isn’t the time to be worrying about that.
Shizuru paused in her step to take a deep breath to steady herself, and she reassured herself that Natsuki would be fine. It was just a flu after all. Natsuki had suffered through a flu before and survived, she could do it again. She was strong; it was one of the things Shizuru loved most about her. Natsuki would be alright, but that didn’t mean Shizuru wasn’t going to be there for her.
And don’t worry, Natsuki’s going to be just fine with Shizuru there to take care of her. Whether Shizuru will be fine is another matter…
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