Stay
Words escape me as I stand here alone on the dark confines of my
apartment. Outside, the sky is crying out, sympathizing with my pain.
And even now, with a thousand miles between us, I could still feel your
heart...wishing that it would beat the same time as mine’s...wishing
that I would be the one it is calling for...
Tomorrow will be a big day, I should rest now, though I doubt if the
growing pit of anxiety in my stomach would allow me to have some rest.
----
The flight to Tokyo was long, but compared to the eternal longing I felt
without you, it only seems like a blink of an eye. And finally, I am
here again, at the grounds of Fuuka Gakuen, at the day of your
graduation, my dear Natsuki.
Ah, there you are. I spotted you immediately from the crowd. And even if
you were placed in the middle of a million faces, I could easily
identify you. For I could always hear your heart, the heart of my dearly
beloved.
I hung back among the others, wanting nothing but to watch you silently.
The celebration is almost over, and I feel myself being torn into two. A
part of me wanted to stay, but the other part told me to move on. After
all, there is nothing here in the Academy but pain. And my heart could
no longer bear any more of it.
As I was whispering my last goodbye, you suddenly turn your head towards
my direction. Maybe it was pure luck, maybe it was destiny, or maybe I
am just fooling myself, on how you instantly knew where I was.
Our eyes locked and all my fears catch up to me. No, no no...this should
not be it. You should not see me anymore. You should not know that I am
here to see you.
I tried to run away, as fast as I could, with each step breaking my
heart into more little pieces.
"Shizuru!"
It was really a mistake to look back, but I had this overwhelming desire
just to see you up close for one final time before I leave. And little
did I know that it would be one big mistake...
I tripped over a large vine of a sakura tree. I braced myself for the
hard-impact, already dreading the scars and bruises that it would leave
on my body. But it never came...I fell, and someone caught me.
I hear my heart pounding wildly from my chest. I could hear my insides
scream in panic. For just one touch of those hands, I already knew who
was my savior. It was her, my—not, not my, she never belonged to me...it
would just be...Natsuki.
"Shizuru..."
The way you gently uttered my name could have sent me into utter bliss,
but I fought back the desire, I fought back the need, I fought back the
feeling...with this feeling only comes pain, and I don’t think my heart
could bear any more of it...
"Are you all right?"
I feel your hand touching my cheek. It glided softly down to my chin,
lifting it up to let me see you again in full light.
"Don't leave me again. Please don’t go..."
The moment I hear your desperate plead, all my thought of
self-preservation has disappeared out of thin air. You said don’t go.
You want me to stay. But to stay means I will feel pain. But pain, I
will defy, for the one I most cherish...
----
We spent the rest of the day in your apartment, catching up on old
times, like good friends do...but only to be your friend, is what kills
me. I do not want to be your friend, Natsuki. I want to be *yours*.
"I’ve been hearing a lot of news about you lately..." You started as you
hand me a cup of tea.
"My...all these years, you’ve been practicing at tea-serving, Natsuki?" I
couldn’t help but tease.
"Hai. Tea always reminds me of you."
I inwardly blushed at this little admission. On the outside, I was still
as calm as the sea.
"Anyway..." You continued, but hesitated a bit. "I heard this news about
you and Matsumoto Jiro-san."
Ah, the musician that has always been following me around. The one
that’s always been asking for my heart, no matter how many times I’ve
told him that I could not. For I already gave out my heart to someone.
"It’s not true."
"But people say you two are very much in love with each other."
"It’s not true." I repeated my last statement, placing down the cup with
precise skill. "How could I love him when I already have someone special
in my heart?"
"I see..." Somehow, I detect a tint of sadness in your voice. Your
demeanor changes, your eyes finding something interesting on the palm of
your hands.
"But how about you, Natsuki? Are you in love with someone now?"
I dared to ask. But I dread your answer. I need to know the truth, right
here, right now...I need to find some closure before I walk out of your
life forever. Tomorrow will be a brand-new day. Tomorrow would start my
journey towards absolute freedom. Freedom from the love for my Natsuki.
"I don’t think I could love someone."
My heart breaks. I found myself holding back my own arms, because I want
to reach out and hold you. But you don’t need pity. No, not you. Not the
ever-so-prideful Kuga Natsuki.
"Love is such a wonderful feeling." 'Though sometimes, it could also kill
you.'
With her head cast down, she mutters, "I don’t think I could love
someone anymore..." A treacherous tear slides down and stains the perfect
face of the angel in front of me.
"...because deep inside, I know that there is only one person whom I
truly loved. Who I love all throughout these years..."
Suddenly, as if all the gods in heaven had finally read through the
countless prayers I sent them before, I found myself staring intently at
your face that is so close to mine.
And I hear you say, "It’s you, Shizuru." before I felt warm lips
claiming mine...before I realized the beating of two hearts at the same
time...
...before my world faded to white.
----
Author’s note:
For Nu, you know who you are.
This is a feeble attempt at writing a one-shot even though I have tons
of deadline rearing their ugly heads in front of my face. Ugh.
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