I've had a happy life, happier than most, happier than I deserve. I have my wife and my daughters by my side. A beautiful home, a nice job, a vacation every now and then. It's like a dream, a wonderful happy dream. I know when I get up in the morning, we'll all have breakfast together and Natsuki will keep bumping into things until she's fully awake. I know when we go to the grocery I'll be the one buying the healthy food while Natsuki will be doing her best to sneak another bottle of mayo into the cart. I know when we go to the park, the kids will be all over my Natsuki knowing she'll get them ice cream or whatever their little hearts desire. You look so cute Natsuki, my Natsuki. You're such a pushover my love, when it comes to our daughters. It's like a happy dream, one that I dread waking up from. This dream will end and everything will go to hell once the truth has been revealed. You see, I have a secret. The secret on which my happy life has been built. Or at least I think so. I don't know anymore. It has been years already, many years since then. I've put that secret out of my mind and I would have taken it to my grave if not for what happened one night. Because one night, all my doubts and all my fears resurfaced. My secret shame returned to haunt me. It started with a kiss, that led to another, then another. Touches explored familiar territory. I ran my palm along her side. Her body was so warm. So soft to my touch. Her face was buried in my neck, licking, biting. I relished the feel of skin against skin, the feel of merging into one body. She was kneeling above me, her breasts pressed against my bare stomach, her hair a curtain cascading down to cover us. Her mouth was right next to my ear, her breath tickling me. Then she asked me a question. A question that had been burned into my mind that night, so many years ago. It made my blood run hot, then cold to hear those words from her mouth again. "Shizuru, what do you want?" Was it just a coincidence that she used those very same words? No. It couldn't be. Her tone was exactly the same. The way she drew out my name, pronouncing every syllable carefully, lovingly. The way her voice trembled as if pleading for an answer. How breathless she sounded, as if possessed by a desire barely kept in check. Yes. I knew those words, I knew that question. Shizuru, what do you want? The words echoed in my head. I moved to get up but without waiting for my answer, Natsuki turned her attention elsewhere, her fingers found their mark, and all coherent thought was lost to me. -o- I didn't forget what happened of course. How could I forget, when the past may have come back to haunt me? The following morning I placed a call to Fumi-san. Within a few days, I was on a plane to Fuuka. Fumi-san looked pretty much the same. She was older now, a bit of gray was beginning to show in her hair. I was relieved she'd agreed to see me on such short notice. It was just as well. I don't know what I would have done if she'd refused. We drank tea while we talked. Her teacups were of fine porcelain and the tea she served was of the highest quality. She and the former Director were as much connoisseurs as I. She was silent while I explained. Then, she reassured me politely until I thought I would scream. I interrupted her. "Are you certain? If it still affects Natsuki in any way..." I allowed my voice to trail off threateningly. "I am as sure as I can be, Fujino-san." Fumi-san replied calmly. She wore the same smiling mask I myself had perfected. Worry and fear however, forced me to push that mask aside. "But you will look into it?" I pressed. "I will do my best." That was Fumi-san, ever polite, ever proper. I nodded and put my teacup gently down on its saucer. From the handbag in my lap, I produced a gun. I aimed it straight at Fumi-san's forehead. "Let me ask you again." I knew my voice was cold. Did it frighten her? I hope it did. I needed her to answer me honestly. For Natsuki's sake. For my sake. "Could it possibly still affect Natsuki until now? In any way at all?" I needed to know... Because if it did... Well, I prayed it didn't. Because if it did... I would be better off dead. Fumi-san's eyes widened, almost imperceptibly. "No it cannot. I am certain Fujino-san. I swear it. But if you truly fear so, perhaps you should talk to Kuga-san herself." I studied her face, my arm steady, my aim never wavering. She met my eyes, she looked very serious. Would she lie to me? Yes, she would. But to what purpose? The First District was destroyed, I'd made sure of that. Their blood stained my hands even until now. What then would she gain from lying to me? Please, please, let her be telling the truth. I sighed heavily. I put the gun down and back into my bag. I got up and turned to leave. "Thank you for the tea, Fumi-san." "Fujino-san. If it's any comfort , I did not approve of the game they played with you." I nodded. I remembered. "And..." she hesitated a moment. "I really think it would be best if you told Kuga-san." I looked at her blankly. Tell... Natsuki? That... could work. I would certainly learn if that night still left its mark on her. But if she found out... Would she hate me? I couldn't bear it if she did. I left Fumi-san and Fuuka behind. That place, that school where everything began. I returned home, considering all the while whether I should take Fumi-san's advice. -o- Natsuki was the one who opened the door when I got home. She pulled me inside and gave me a hug. "Welcome home!" I held her tight and buried my face in her hair. "Natsuki..." I breathed in her scent, her familiar scent. "Hey..." She laughed at my friskiness and tweaked my nose. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that here at least, within the safety of our house, Natsuki allows that gentle side of hers to come out, the side I'd always known was there underneath her tough girl attitude. "Mommy! Mommy! Look what we did!" Our two daughters ran up to us and I picked each of them up and gave them a kiss. They showed me what they'd painted. I barely suppressed a smile. I could tell they'd been painting, they had paint smudges all over the arms and faces. I sat on the sofa while Natsuki prepared dinner in the kitchen. It should have been my turn today but Natsuki took over since I'd just gotten home from Fuuka. The girls proudly laid out their masterpieces on the table and I exclaimed over them properly. "And what's this one?" I asked the younger of the two. She grinned, pointing with her still chubby fingers. "That's you, that's me, that's onee-chan, and that's Mama! That's our house and that's Duran playing in the yard!" I pulled her into my lap and held the paper up to the light. "It's beautiful!" Stick figures perhaps, but it was beautiful nonetheless. "Be sure to thank Uncle Takumi and Aunt Akira for the art set okay?" The two girls dutifully promised they would. "Girls, put those away. Dinner's almost ready." Natsuki called out from the kitchen. I walked to the kitchen, sniffed and tried to guess what we'd be having. "What's for dinner?" Natsuki was at the stove and I stepped behind her and slid my arms around her waist. Natsuki turned to me and deadpanned. "Mayo sandwiches." I groaned. "Just kidding." She reassured me. I laughed ruefully. -o- For the rest of that day, I tried to act normal but Natsuki must have sensed my unease. Before going to sleep that night she looked at me worriedly. "Hey Shizuru, is something wrong?" Surprised, I looked at her. "Nothing's wrong..." She didn't look like she believed me. "Ara, Natsuki shouldn't worry. I'm fine..." "I love you, you know..." She leaned forward and kissed me. I nodded, choking back tears and summoning the pleasantly smiling face that had fortified me for so long. "I love you too Natsuki. Good night." I waited until she was asleep. I waited, then I allowed myself the luxury of tears. I sobbed quietly, so as not to disturb her. I curled up and hugged myself trying to pry myself free from the cold fist curled around my heart. No, Natsuki, I don't know. I don't know if you love me because it could all just be a lie. It could all just be a lie. A great big lie. A lie I created, a lie I forced you into, a lie I've kept silent about until now. I'm so sorry... I'm sorry Natsuki. You deserve to know the truth. Maybe I should take Fumi-san's advice, maybe I should tell you. But what would happen then? I sigh and caress her cheek, my hand running down over her neck, her breasts, her smooth stomach. She's sound asleep. Even if I told her, I wouldn't know where to begin. Natsuki, are you feeling brainwashed in any way? I laughed. It sounded silly, even to me. Besides, if she was, how would she know? But Fumi-san was right, it would make me feel better to tell her, or at least to tell someone. But what will happen when I tell her? Everything would go to hell. But she deserves to know the truth. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I sigh and bury my face in my hands. What do you think? Should I tell her? I'm afraid to tell her. She might just hate me... But I forget myself, you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Very well then, I'll begin at the beginning. The end... I look at Natsuki and run my fingers through her hair. The end... The end will take care of itself.
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