And If She Ever Loved Me
Sometimes I wonder if being her protector is worth it. If I'm her
bodyguard, I can't feel right letting myself love her. But, it's a
wonderful love even if I do have to go against every preconceived notion
I ever had, hitting and slapping and fighting all the way like I know
there's not going to be a tomorrow, so I have to have it today.
Then, I wake up the next day, and I know she's in the room next to mine.
I actually made the comment a few days ago that I thought it might be
wise that I spend the night in her room on the eve of big political
movement days. She agreed, offering me half of her far-too-large bed.
That's strange, somehow.
I think she knows how I feel about her, but every little thing she does
goes against it. Why else would she still agree to spend so much time
with me? Why would she still choose me to be her escort to all of the
stupid society events that she must attend looking as radiant as ever?
She even jokes with me, calling me her secret lover, since everybody
always makes comments over champagne at those same stupid parties
because she came with me.
Although, I did find it odd. Once, for her birthday, Heero offered
himself up as her escort, claiming that it was the least he could do for
the Vice-Foriegn Minister. Yet, she refused. She claimed that she didn't
want his pity, and, besides, she already had someone to go with. I'm not
sure if she ever said she was going with me. It's now to the point where
we don't even ask each other. We know that if there's an event, she
needs a dress, I need a dress, and we don't need any silly men tagging
along to take up space in that silly pink limo she loves so much.
Besides, we're always asked to dance at the parties. Though, I never
dance unless she does. I can't bring myself to.
Her brother happened to spend the weekend here about a month ago. I used
to have the silliest crush on him. But, I don't anymore. It's odd. All
of the feelings I had for him over years of academy together... they're
gone. They're all transferred over to my feelings for her. But, I
shouldn't love her! I should be an unbiased person for her to talk
to....
Zechs made the comment that Relena is in love with me. Somehow, I don't
think it's even going to hit me that it's not true. If I told her how I
felt directly, she'd back right off. She'd fire me as her security
adviser, and I might never see her again. That's why I never come right
out and say it.
Oh, but I can only wonder.... If she even had an interest in women...
What would I have to do to fit her image of the perfect woman? And, if I
ever could, and if she ever loved me, what would I do with her then?
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