Teaching Respect (part 4 of 4)

With Quistis gone, another of those awkward silences had returned. The room seemed so much smaller without her friend’s comforting presence. Xu fidgeted nervously, trying to spread her palms as naturally as she could over the files in front of her. Typically, a picture of Fujin had managed to get shuffled to the top, and she was having difficulty concealing it from all angles, without looking like that was what she was doing.

For her own part, Fujin seemed very ill at ease too, but that was understandable. Their last meeting had undoubtedly been very embarrassing for her, something Xu longed to console her for. Also, she was trying her best to conceal the folded piece of paper that Quistis had called her attention to. Xu felt sure she knew what that was, but was currently at a loss as to how to prevent this crisis. ‘Think Xusie, think!’ she shouted silently to herself.

"So… are you feeling better today? You seemed quite ill last time, and you haven’t shown up for your classes in a few days. I called but… I guess you weren’t feeling well?"

She was sure that the nerves she felt, had made that sentence sound like it was in a foreign language. She’d been shooting for friendly and supportive, but she couldn’t help but feel like she’d just asked Fujin to accompany her to a wine tasting festival in Shumi dialect. Oh no, Fujin was looking… no wait, she was looking concerned. She followed her gaze… down to her side. Ah…

"No, it’s fine now thank you. No broken bones. I’m afraid I was a bit of a baby about it, crying like that."

She grinned hopefully, trying to encourage Fujin to do the same, but a small, unconvinced nod was all she got. The truth was that the bruise had gone down, and only sharp movements brought any pain really. She’d pretty much forgotten about it. The bit about the tears was a bit of a lie though – she’d been crying for Fujin, not her pain. She wasn’t sure it was better if Fujin knew that or not…

"VERY SORRY. REALLY SORRY."

Fujin blanched, as if she was angry with herself about something. Xu was sure she hadn’t meant to say even that much, although her heart did leap a bit to hear the sincerity in Fujin’s voice. Now if she could just keep this conversation going, she might be able to steer it away from…

"RESIGNATION."

Fujin had jolted forward and thrust her piece of folded paper forward at Xu. It looked a bit worse for wear, rather limp like it had been folded, unfolded and folded again many, many times. This had clearly not been an easy decision for her to make. Nevertheless, Xu felt cold and numb, as if icy water had just been thrown over her. It couldn’t end like this, not when everything… well, it hadn’t really gone anywhere yet, but there was hope. She was sure there was.

Fujin’s hand was trembling visibly - she was plainly as terrified at this whole business as Xu was. It was getting worse as the seconds ticked by. But Xu couldn’t move, she just sat looking at it, racking her brains for a way out. She met Fujin’s gaze. It was an odd look. She couldn’t tell whether Fujin just wanted her to take the letter and let her go, or to try and stop her. She dearly hoped it was the latter, she had to believe it was. Also, she reflected soberly, she couldn’t really move, or the files would be exposed…

"Just place it on the desk please," she finally managed in a small voice, her eyes still locked to Fujin’s.

Fujin obediently lowered the paper to the desk. She dragged her eyes down to look at it for a moment, seemed on the verge of screwing it into a ball, but then pushed it towards Xu. Xu still couldn’t move. If she read it, she’d probably have to accept it. But that meant…

"But you’ll… they’ll send you back to prison, you know? Is that really what you want 'Jin?"

Before she could fully register that she had betrayed her feelings somewhat by using such an overly familiar name, Fujin had turned about and was hurrying towards the door. Xu started in alarm. She had to stop her, but how?! In a split second, the decision was made. It was an ugly thing to do, but there didn’t seem to be any other way. "I’m sorry Jinny" she thought to herself. "I promise I’ll make this up to you, I promise."

Mentally steeling herself, she raised her hand and brought her palm slamming down onto the desk as hard as she could. A thunderous boom echoed around the room. Committed now, Xu closed her eyes and shouted at the top of her voice:

"STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, MADAM LECTURER!!!"

Fujin whirled about with a look of alarm and (Xu was elevated to see), scared concern as she looked momentarily ready to spring back to the desk if anything had happened. Forcing herself to push aside the thought of how cruel she was about to be in the face of this sweet, brave gesture, Xu rose from her desk. Screwing up all her courage, she prepared to produce the necessary illusion of fury - a fury that she could scarcely even conceive of directing at the girl in front of her.

It was working: Fujin had frozen in terror on the spot, before snapping to attention. She looked truly dazed and scared. Xu felt like the most wretched being in the entire world, but she had to do this. She was not going to let Fujin do this to herself. She quickly rounded the table, and with as authoritarian a stride as she could manage without aggravating her injury, advanced on her petrified charge. As she approached, she could see Fujin was recovering from the shock slightly however. She had to keep up the pressure, keep control of the situation out of her hands.

"What is the meaning of this, Madam?! You practically throw a resignation in my face out of the blue, and then think you can just sneak out and that will be that?!"

Fujin face dropped, as she tried to avoid her gaze. Xu stepped up to her, inclining her head to fiercely capture Fujin's gaze and disallow her any time to compose herself.

"Look at me, look at me, Miss Fujin!! I think you misunderstand the situation here. I am the Headmistress of Balamb Garden, and you are merely one of my subordinates. I decide when someone is dismissed and when they are not. And you are not, do you understand?!"

Fujin nodded slowly.

"I asked you if you understood. Kindly reply when I ask you a question."

Fujin looked up, a questioning look in her face. It seemed like a cry for help, that asked how Xu could do this to her. Xu remained unnmoved however (on the outside at least, as inside she was a heartbeat from grabbing Fujin in an embrace and begging her forgiveness). Given no solace in her search for compassion, Fujin nodded whilst croaking in a throaty, shocked voice:

"UNDERSTAND."

She was swallowing hard and sweating slightly. Her hands were curled up so tight, the blood was draining from them, Xu noted. She had to settle things down, establish control without all this bullying. She wasn’t sure how long she could keep this act up, before Fujin noticed how much it was hurting her to do it. ‘Get her sat down first’ she thought to herself. ‘Just get her away from the door’.

"So… you are not dismissed. You will take a seat at my desk, and then you will wait to be dismissed" she ordered, turning towards the desk.

"PREFER TO STAND".

It was said quite quietly and politely (by Fujin’s standards), but Xu could tell it was a test of sorts. Fujin probably suspected something was wrong. This kind of behavior was hardly normal in Xu. She had to be convincing, she couldn't show weakness now. Both their futures rested on this (as the possibility of a future without Fujin was now not an option).

Xu leaned forward, swivelled the guest seat around violently, before turning and grabbing Fujin viciously by the arm. She then pulled her savagely past her towards the seat. Stumbling into the chair in surprise, Fujin pulled free weakly, but looked as though she had been shot. She was chalk white, and was physically cringing away from Xu somewhat. Xu pointed firmly at the chair.

"Sit down!"

There was no hesitation now. Fujin, sporting an utterly shocked and defeated look, placed herself into the chair. She was blinking with her good eye, and Xu was sure tears were not far away. Xu could barely stand up straight at this sight. She wanted to tear out her hair and claw out her eyes. No punishment was too great for her at this moment. She felt like she was the most vile person, like she would be sick at any moment. She had to sit down too. Leaning against the table for support (Fujin still hadn’t turned her chair around), she suddenly remembered the photos. As Fujin swiveled sadly round, she quickly retook her seat, and shuffled the photo from the top.

She looked up, but apparently Fujin had noticed nothing. She looked through Xu with a expression that spoke of someone for whom life had lost its last wonders. Although feeling a sensation she was sure must be similar to what drowning felt like, Xu fought down her fear. She just had to hold onto the belief that Fujin wanted a way out of this as much as she did. She needed her help. ‘Just hang in there Jin’ she thought, ‘Just a little longer.’

"Now, I have some business to attend to, before I can deal with you. You will sit quietly until I have time to read this resignation. Then I will tell you if I accept it or not, and then you can go."

Fujin looked like she might say something, but simply nodded mutely. Xu opened some of the more inconspicuous looking files, and began to read. She sat back in her chair, files on her lap and held in front of her. Tears rolled silently down her face, hidden by the pages, and it was all she could do to keep herself from sobbing out loud. Desperately, she re-read the material, looking for something to help her, particularly the sections which Quistis had pointed out. She stole glances every so often from behind the files. Fujin was simply sitting, staring out of the window behind her.

Or at least she appeared to be. Xu could swear that she caught her looking in her direction several times. She was trying to hide it, but she was shifting about quite a lot in her chair also. And she kept her hands out of sight under the desk – Xu was sure she wringing and clawing at them. For herself, Xu was trying with all her might to appear composed and comfortable. She was careful not to alter her seating overmuch, and forced her hands to remain still on the edge of the files, not tap the backs or run along the edges. She had to appear to be in control for now. Several times, she had to pretend to have something in her eye, so as to wipe away incriminating tears.

All the while, the letter lay folded up and unread on the desk. Xu looked at it occasionally, and she knew Fujin was acutely aware of it at all times. She was sure neither of them really wanted her to pick it up, but no solutions had yet presented themselves. Quistis' plan could work, but she couldn't bear the thought of breaking Fujin to that extent. It looked like it might be the only way however...

Eventually, the shadows began to lengthen, indicating that the afternoon was getting late. Several hours must have passed. Neither of them had spoken in all that time. Xu couldn’t remember ever being this scared, not even when Balamb Garden had been attacked. Having finished all the reading she could get away with, with the files that weren’t obviously about Fujin, she decided she couldn’t delay anymore. She put down the files on the desk, away from Fujin, and pulled her chair up to the table. Fujin immediately sat up straighter, but did not look in her direction.

Xu pulled the letter to her. It really was a sad specimen, beaten and forgotten, just like its owner she reflected miserably. She could feel Fujin’s eyes on her, burning into her. What was she going to do? With a flash of inspiration, she dropped the letter in front of her, and reached over to the intercom. She caught Fujin’s questioning gaze, and held it place as she spoke through the Headmistress’ general transmission system to the Garden at large:

"Now hear this, now hear this. This is Headmistress Xu to all students and teachers of Balamb Garden. A problem with the staffing arrangements has arisen, which I am working tirelessly to rectify. Due to staff shortages in the near future, all free periods are suspended until further notice."

Fujin looked so… betrayed that Xu thought she couldn’t continue. Her finger pressed into the intercom button so hard it threatened to crush it. She willed herself to go on:

"Teachers will assemble in the staff room after lessons. I will meet you there, and we will be making changes to the timetable to add a further 3 hours of lectures to all student timetables every day, until these staff positions can be filled. I thank you for your co-operation."

Flicking her eyes away from Fujin’s, she turned her attention to the letter. She could sense that Fujin was appalled, and probably feeling guiltier than ever, now that everyone was suffering on her behalf. "Talk to me" she willed. "Stand up to me". Perhaps if Fujin became angry enough, they might be able to get at the truth that way. Xu spread the letter out, and slowly flattened it out on the desk, pointedly not looking up. She had to keep focus. She had to annoy Fujin, make her really mad. She pretended to read it over with interest before shaking her head:

"No, I’m sorry. This won’t do at all."

She handed the letter back to Fujin. She was dumbstruck evidently, and didn’t even reach out to take it. Xu placed it down in front of her when she refused to accept it.

"WHY?"

That question was clearly about more than just this, Xu thought. She obviously wanted to know why Xu was doing all this to her. And truth be told, Xu still didn’t know exactly how she was going to resolve this. She just needed to keep Fujin from leaving, and then perhaps something would happen. She had to get her to open up somehow, some way that didn't involve the court record...

"I’m afraid a clerical error has arisen. You can’t resign, because you aren’t enrolled. I checked the other day, and noticed you hadn’t completed the enrollment form for the teacher’s course."

This was an utter lie, but she was out of ideas. Fujin looked puzzled, before plucking up the courage to speak out:

"NO... COMPLETED FORM. LOOK AGAIN… PLEASE."

Xu stood up and headed over to a filing cabinet. She pulled out a fresh form and placed it in front of Fujin.

"Why not just fill this one out? We can clear it up now. No problem really."

Fujin looked baffled beyond measure, and more than a little exasperated as she took the form. She was realizing that Xu wasn’t being honest with her, Xu could feel it. She was too scared, too frantic in her search for an answer. She was supposed to be so clever, and she just couldn’t think of any way to get out of this. She just couldn’t do what Quistis said,,, it was too much. She turned away, motioning to the pen on the table. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fujin reach slowly for the pen, look back at her with a long stare, and then start to try to write. Once, twice, she tried, then she put the pen down. And then she’d say:

"It’s out of ink Xusie."

Xu whirled around. The softness and tenderness of Fujin's voice took her completely by surprise. She felt her heart soaring to Fujin... and then put her hands to her mouth as she realized she had been fooled.

Fujin slammed her palms on the desk, uttering a snarl of rage. She snapped to her feet, tearing the form in two. Xu opened her mouth to explain, but Fujin pushed her roughly aside as she moved to inspect the files. She sorted through them, nodding bitterly and shrugging Xu off as she feebly tried to stop her.

Satisfied that they were all about her, she picked up the pile, turned to face Xu and then threw the papers violently against the wall, keeping Xu in her glare all the while. The papers sprayed everywhere, and an angry wind seemed to blow them this way and that as Fujin strode through them and grabbed Xu by the arms. She was shaking, but with anger or fear or maybe something else, Xu wasn’t sure.

"LIES! TRICKED! TRUSTED YOU!!!"

Pushing Xu away, she made for the door. Xu was beside herself. She couldn’t think, she just had to do something, anything. Frantically, she called after her:

"All right, go then! I only wanted to help you! I care what happens to you 'Jin! That's the truth, I care about you! "

Fujin turned and looked at her. She looked so sad. Xu knew she was really only angry with herself. She was sad it had come to this: that they hadn’t been able to avoid this, when they both wanted to. Xu was sure of that now. Fujin wanted to stay with her, she just knew it.

"WANTED TO BELIEVE YOU… REALLY DID."

Unconscious of what she was doing now, moment to moment, Xu raced across the room and slammed the half open door shut. She winced in pain as the bruise at her side flared angrily. Fujin reached out involuntarily, but stopped short of her, as she waved her away.

"Then… then why are leaving?! If you really believed you deserve to be here, and that your happiness matters, then you'd stay! But you don’t, do you? You’re still listening to him, aren’t you? You believe you should be punished, and that no-one should want to know you. Well, I do want to know you 'Jin, I want it more than anything!" she howled in desperation.

Fujin hands dropped, and she looked truly scared again. It had been the mention of her father, and the prospect of getting close to someone and hurting them. She shook her head, backing away. Xu tried to follow, but was buffeted back by a stiff breeze. Unwilling to admit defeat, adrenalin coursing through her now, she finally made up her mind. She had to do it. While he still had his hold on her, she'd never be free.

She ran across the room again, dropping and crying out in agony to her knees, as her hip gave way temporarily.

"XU!"

Propping herself up against the desk, Xu waved her back, and gritting her teeth to block the pain, started to search frantically amongst the papers. Fujin seemed paralysed, leaning towards her, but with a petrified look as she saw Xu rifling through the scattered files.

"You’re... making me do this 'Jin. I’m not going to let you do this to… to us! Oh, where is it?!"

She called out in frustration and sobbed in pain as the bruise flared angrily. She punched the ground, trying to shock herself back into action.

"XU… please don’t. I’m not worth…"

"Don't use that tone with me, young lady!" she laughed through the pain, "I’m the Headmistress! I'm cold and I'm callous, and I tell people who’s worthy! And I say…ah!"

She staggered triumphantly to her feet, and advanced in mounting agony from her side, to where Fujin was now cowering near the corner of the room. She backed away until there was nowhere to go. Xu came to a halt, clutching at her side, but resolute.

"Look at it Jin. Go on."

She lifted the crumpled court record up. The dates of sentencing were printed clearly at the bottom. Fujin sank into a squatting position, and covered her head in her arms, trying to shy away further. Xu knelt down and tried to prise away the arms. from the pathetic, whimpering bundle.

"Jin…Jin! Shh. It’s alright. I’m here, and I'm so sorry! Please just let me in!"

Fujin looked out at her from under her arms, staring weakly at the paper. She leaned over and placed her head sadly against Xu's chest, exhausted and empty of any further resistance. She closed her eyes and sobbed silently, as Xu slid an arm round her, and softly started to speak:

"Sentenced to parole at Balamb Garden on the 15th, you were given a week to set your affairs in order with family and friends, it says."

Fujin nodded.

"But you left the courthouse on the afternoon of the 15th, and arrived here on the evening of the 16th. You went home for one night, then spent the next day catching trains and the ship here. You can’t have been home more than 7-8 hours at most. Something happened didn't it? Jinny, please tell me. I can't bear to see you like this."

She squeezed Fujin to her encouragingly, and leant her head against hers and kissing her hair.

"NOT EVEN… not even one night" she managed in a hollow voice.

Xu reached down and gently lifted her chin round to look up at her.

"You didn’t even stay that one night? Why?"

And so Fujin finally told her. In a cracking, distraught voice, she told the tale of how after her acquittal, she had traveled to her family home, only to be thrown into the street by her father. Her luggage ripped open and thrown after her, his words chasing her out of the town:

"Billy Kellit’s son, Ann Marchant’s girl, both of them crippled because of you and your devil friends! You’re a disgrace you hear me! You’ve brought shame to this family, you filthy, disgusting ANIMAL! You're no child of mine, and you're not welcome here. Go back to your school - they're the only ones crazy enough to have the likes of you back. You're Evil child, pure Evil!"

Xu couldn’t believe it. How could anyone have done this to her, let alone her own father? A father she’d loved even after he’d hated her just for being who she was, who’d blamed her for losing her eye in an accident on a hunting expedition he'd set up. Who knew he was casting her out into the world, with nothing and no-one to hold onto? Fujin was rocking back and forth, tears flowing freely down her face, repeating the same words over and over:

"You’re evil, you’re good for nothing, YOU’RE EVIL!!!"

Xu couldn’t stand it. She grabbed Fujin, pulled her to her and hugged her deeply. For more than an hour, maybe more, she just held the defeated girl, kissing her hair and rocking her gently. They cried until they had no more to give, then sat in a silence only broken by Xu’s soothing:

"It’s okay 'Jin. I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re home now. Everything’s going to be alright. He can’t hurt you anymore."

It would be some time yet before Fujin was ready to face the world again. But Xu was going to make sure it happened. In selfish moments, she wanted to lift Fujin’s face to hers and kiss her, tell her how she loved her. But that would have to wait. At least they’d made a start, however painful it had been.