Teaching Respect (part 2 of 4)

Jumping in shock, she whipped her hand away, half rising from the table. Xu had leapt back with surprise also, and was looking at her with alarmed concern. She looked about, suddenly painfully aware that people were staring, and sat back down quickly. She could feel her face had reddened, and under the table, she was wringing her hands uncontrollably. Take control… take control.

"SORRY. SURPRISED."

Xu just kept looking at her, with that same worried look. This had been a terrible idea, all of this had been a terrible idea. Coming back here… why had she done this to herself? And now even Xu… but then why should she expect her to think any different after all she'd done...?

"Fujin?"

She looked up, back from her drifting reverie again. Xu was… smiling. And not a cruel smile, not the kind of smile that many were making in the cafeteria around them. It was a soft, warm, reassuring smile. Her hands smoothed on her lap, her heart slowed. She could breathe again.

"FINE. PLEASE CONTINUE".

"Are you sure, we can leave it here if you’d prefer?"

Xu had closed her notebook, and laid the pen on top. Fujin couldn’t help but wonder what she had written. Was she just taking down her thoughts, or did the notebook include personal observations of her strange behavior just then? Was that her future there?

Xu smiled warmly and took a sip from her glass, before asking in an off-hand manner:

"Would you like to read what I’ve written?"

Briefly stung, Fujin realized her train of thought must have been obvious. She shook her head, but it was hardly convincing. She picked up her glass, realized she was just nervously copying Xu, and put it back down again. She could feel her clothes pressing on her body, feel everyone looking. This had been an awful idea.

Xu placed her own glass down, and half reached with her hand, before letting it come to rest on the edge of her place mat.

"It’s okay you know. You don’t have to be worried. These sessions are for your benefit. No-one is trying to trick you or judge you. I’m simply trying to understand how you feel, if you feel you’re settling in again?"

"FINE".

She felt ridiculous saying it again, especially as it so obviously wasn’t true. But still, as awkward as this had become, she had to admit that these sessions did help a bit. She found she actually looked forward to them. Xu was always so understanding, and now she was Headmistress, she hardly needed to handle things like this herself. Sitting here with her was so relaxing, like old times, like the really old times… she just wished she hadn't agreed to do this one in public. It was too soon. She wanted to leave, but she didn't want to leave just yet. If only everyone else would leave and let them do this on their own...

"FINE" she repeated, with more confidence this time. She took a quick sip of water. Xu waited patiently, before gently prompting her:

"Go on, just say what’s on your mind."

Fujin eyes darted around the room. It was partly nerves, mostly nerves really, but also a defiant wish to catch someone definitely listening in, someone she could feel justified in… She blinked hard, trying to fight the anger and guilt down. Xu had caught her gaze, and with an incline of the head, brought Fujin’s gaze back to the table. Unable to stop fidgeting, she rested a hand back on the mat in front of her, though she couldn’t resist running her fingers across the glass standing there.

"BEING HERE. SHAME".

Xu smiled with encouragement, and leant slightly forward:

"And?" she breathed softly, "What else? Come on, you’re doing great, don’t stop now."

Fujin nodded and brought the glass up… empty. She put it down a little harder than she’d intended, before closing her eyes and… this was it. Just say it…

"SC… SCARED… GUILTY."

There were murmurs from the cafeteria at large, but these were silenced at a look from Xu. She continued to stare until most of the people filed out, or retreated into the corners to finish their suppers. She had reached a hand onto Fujin’s arm gently as she looked away, first just two fingers, then another and another. Although finding it difficult to breathe suddenly, and wondering if the lighting in the cafeteria had something wrong with it, Fujin allowed herself to be restrained thus. At length, Xu turned back to her, beaming. There was such... pride in the smile. She could feel her mouth had dropped open in delight, and winced slightly as she hastily clacked it shut.

Xu’s hand still pressed softly at her arm: not a grip, but too tight to simply shake off if she tried to run. And moments ago, her instinct had still been to run from this room as fast as possible. Now though, she wasn’t sure. It had felt so good to finally tell someone, someone who wouldn’t laugh in triumph or recoil in disgust. She found herself smiling back, weakly at first but with growing confidence. She really had said it, out loud too. The world hadn’t ended.

"I’m glad you’ve told me. It’s been kind of obvious you weren’t happy, and I want to help. You feel ashamed and scared to be back here, but you shouldn’t, okay? You have as much right to be here as anyone els… yes, you do!"

Her grip tightened, into a firm, reassuring, but also slightly authoritarian squeeze as Fujin had begun to shake her head sadly.

"PAST - WRONG… SHOULDN’T… AM DANGEROUS!" she declared miserably.

Xu fixed her with a stern gaze: “That’s not true! The safety of my students is of the utmost importance to me. I would never place them in danger…”

Saying this, Xu held up her palm, stopping Fujin from looking away in embarrassed disagreement at what she was about to say.

“I’d never place them in danger and I’m not now – you’re not going to hurt anyone.” Fujin couldn’t believe how sincere she sounded; how completely she seemed to believe in her. She wanted to look away, ashamed because she didn’t deserve this sort of kind treatment, especially from Xu.

“BUT… REPUTATION SAYS OTHERWISE. BALAMB DISCIPLANRY…” she stammered. She cringed inwardly at this decision to retreat to such a relatively safe subject, instead of tackling the real crimes she had committed… This was just typical of her – wilting in front of authority figures…

Xu however glowed with affection: “Oh hush! I know you – you might give out a few knocks, but only to people you feel deserve it. And never anything much more severe than a clip on the ear anyway! Besides the disciplinary committee was Sei…”

She stopped in surprise as Fujin desperately grabbed her hand on the table. Looking down in panic, Fujin released it just as quickly however and shot her hands back under the table, clenching the nails into her knees. She looked up, trying to think of some apology. Xu shook her head comfortingly however, holding her hands open in gestures of calm, before pouring her another glass of water and offering it.

Fujin accepted gratefully, taking a deep gulp to steady her nerves: “SO SORRY… DIDN’T MEAN TO STARTLE…” she began.

Xu smiled encouragingly: “No, no; it was my fault. I didn’t mean to… I moved too fast there, I’m sorry. All I meant to say was that you are no threat to this school or its students, okay?”

Fujin almost choked on her water: “BUT… HOW CAN XU SAY THIS? LED SOLDIERS! ATTACKED GARDEN…” she argued, her voice initially indignant, but increasingly tinged with despair.

Xu was silent for a moment, then sat forward, knitting her fingers in front of her: “Well… since you bring it up, let’s talk about that. Can we… please?” she asked with great respect and patience.

Fujin froze in panic – she’d been trapped! Xu had tricked her into… No, she couldn’t think that. She looked over at where Xu was sitting with a look of such concern and understanding - like she’d happily sit here forever, listening to her problems. She wanted, wanted so badly, to believe that Xu was trying to help her. And she wanted to tell her… tell her everything about herself, relevant or irrelevant. She was so tired of being scared and alone…

“AGREE… BUT FACTS ARE CLEAR - LED SOLIDERS AGAINST BALAMB… DISGRACE!” she murmured sadly, staring down at her glass.

Xu slid her palm gently across the table, motioning for Fujin to hold her head up. Complying, she saw Xu wearing a proud, determined expression.

“If I may say so, the facts are not so clear cut as all that” she began. “It was a terrible situation of course – and it was wrong. You were wrong to attack us…” Fujin swallowed hard, determined to accept what was due to her. But hearing Xu say this… she felt so terrible.

Xu seemed to notice this however – she got up and moved to sit in the chair right next to her at the table and tenderly coaxed Fujin’s hands into hers. She couldn’t move – her mouth was open, there was murmuring from all around them… but she was helpless to do anything about any of it.

Massaging her hands softly, Xu continued: “It was wrong, but you knew that, you and Raijin. You knew it and you both did what you could to make sure no-one got seriously hurt. That’s right, isn’t it?”

Fujin fought to find the words, any words… “Y… YES, BUT…” she choked, her mouth completely dry all of a sudden.

Xu shushed her quietly, took her glass and helped her take some of the water: “Your troops used non-lethal means to subdue people. Not only that, you gave aid to the injured of both sides. The court made a point of it – without you two, the siege of Balamb would probably be named ‘The massacre at Balamb.”

“NO!” Fujin shouted, slamming her glass down and wrenching herself away from Xu. She sat facing half away from her, trembling with shame; her hands clasped tightly in front of her. Xu hung back respectfully, not rushing her… Xu silently cursed her, wincing with further shame as she did so. She didn’t deserve this kindness – why was Xu wasting her time with her like this?

“EXCUSES!” she managed finally, without looking at Xu. “EXCUSES MADE BY LAWYER – NOT ME!”

She turned to face Xu, feeling somewhat calmer to be admitting this to someone whose opinion mattered: “WASN’T HEROIC, WASN’T NOBLE… LIES!” she confessed.

Xu’s hands twitched in front of her as she tried to reach for her but thought better of it: “Why are you denying it, ‘Fu?” (She’d called her… Fu? Why…?) “There were dozens of witnesses – I could fetch some of them right now!”

Fujin shook her head impatiently: “NO – MISUNDERSTAND. DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH HELPED - SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE ALONG WITH IN FIRST PLACE. WEAK… BLIND…” She felt a single tear roll down her cheek. “WANTED TO TELL THEM… BUT COULDN’T.”

“Because of Seifer right?” Xu whispered. “You didn’t want to make things look bad for him… because you trusted him when you followed him here. He made it sound like an adventure, but it wasn’t…”

Fujin nodded, biting back a sob of anger. She felt like such a sell-out; how could she have said that? She made to stand up and had almost cleared the table when she felt Xu’s hand at her wrist. Tugging feebly, she tried to escape, before allowing herself to be pulled back into her seat. Feeling Xu move to comfort her however, she resisted, pushing her away as politely as she could.

Xu looked crestfallen to see her so unhappy and to be rejected so from comforting her. She really did care – perhaps even… or was that too much to hope for? She thought back to when they’d been friends so long ago… could she really want someone like her? She longed to find out but… she couldn’t do it like this… to profit from talking so poorly of Seifer, after he’d looked after her and Raijin for so long…

“CANNOT BLAME… CAN’T DO IT! PLEASE DON’T MAKE…” she pleaded, leaning on the table, her face covered in her hands.

After a short silence, she looked up to see Xu was sitting with her hands together at her mouth. She looked dreadfully upset. Fujin felt her insides churn sickeningly – she’d done this to her. Everyone who got near her, always had to pay so dearly. He had been right about her…

“I’m so sorry I upset you, Fu” Xu said, her voice strained with worry. “I just wanted you to try and accept you’re not dangerous. The court accepted it; I never needed convincing… it’s only you that needs to believe it now. Whatever else is involved – you belong here, not in some jail!”

Fujin leaned her forehead in her hands – Xu was trying so hard for her, but she was ignoring how hopeless it all was: “NOT EVERYONE SO FORGIVING - XU MUCH KINDER THAN MOST. SO GRATEFUL BUT…”

“People are more forgiving than you think! Just give them a chance – we’ll make it work!” Xu interrupted, her hand questing across the table for hers.

Fujin reached down, but pulled away before she made contact: “NO… IS HOPELESS! AM AWFUL TEACHER… HATE IT…”

Xu kept her hand out defiantly: “I know that isn’t true! It’s natural to be nervous, but the students respond to your authority – because they know it’s not ego. They know you can teach them things – the value of strength and of restraint with that strength. You have so much to give… we can do this!”

Listening to this in silence, Fujin pondered what Xu was saying. She looked down at the offered hand… and finally reached down and took it. Xu’s fingers closed about her, warm and reassuring. She looked over at her and nodded.

“XU, CORRECT ONCE MORE. DON’T HATE… BUT FINDING IT HARD” she explained. “SIT THERE EVERY DAY, FEEL CLASS WATCHING… TRY NOT TO IMAGINE WHAT THEY THINK, BUT CANNOT HELP… END UP MAKING THEM READ, WRITE – DON’T REALLY TEACH!”

Xu squeezed her hand supportively. She returned this sweet gesture, but couldn’t meet her gaze as she went on: “KEEP IMAGJNING THEM THINKING… WHAT RIGHT HAS SHE TO TEACH? CRIMINAL, FREAK, CYCLOPS…”

“Don’t say things like that! You belong here and they know that! We just need to give it time!” Xu protested crossly. She was right by her side again, clutching her hand feverishly in both of hers now.

“Can’t you see - we all want you here!” Xu insisted. “I want you here…”

After everything she had done, Xu was still here for her. And looking at her now, feeling her comforting, insistent strokes… everything she had wanted seemed to be coming true before her eyes. She really did care… but was this the care of a close friend, a concerned superior or maybe, just maybe, an expectant lover…? She was so useless at this kind of thing – she never knew. Could she risk making a move? What if Xu only felt sisterly… like family?

Family. No, not now! She closed her eyes, trying to shut it out. In her head, she could see that pallid milky eye, so loathsome, so intrinsically her. And the voice, coming to drown out Xu’s words; her very presence… She tried to fight it down, but it was too late... the screams… the shouts…

"We can offer you stability, authority. There are so many people who will benefit from what you bring. You’re…"

"NOTHING! EVIL! FILTHY!"

She was out of the room before she knew what she was doing. She cannoned along the corridors blindly, throwing people out of the way, before crashing into a washroom. She just made it to one of the stalls, before retching violently. The pan filled with vomit mixed with blood where she had bit into her lip. Its murky depths repulsed her, but she couldn’t stop.

"NO GOOD… AM NO GOOD…"she sobbed inconsolably.

She was no good, no good to anyone. No matter how you dressed it up, she had brought such pain and disgrace… How could she look Xu in the eye, look anyone in the eye? Everyone found her out eventually. They’d all hate her, and they’d have every right to do so. This filth, blood, sickness, it was inside her, she could never get it all out…

"Fujin?"

A small knocking on the stall brought her to her senses. Wiping her mouth quickly with the back of her hand, she shot to her feet, and pulled the door open with a harsh yank. Xu stood before her: pale white and looking deathly afraid. Fujin's sudden appearance had startled her and she staggered back a step in surprise at this.

Fujin took this opening and pushed forcefully past her. Xu reached out a hand, but Fujin slapped it away and kept moving. She saw in the mirror that Xu was moving to follow her. She looked desperately for help in her reflection, but only a wretched coward returned her gaze.

"What is it? What are you looking at?"

She’d come up and put a hand on her shoulder, with the other resting lightly against her back. She was looking worriedly from the mirror to her face. Fujin stiffened and turned away, fighting back the urge to throw her off and curl into a ball. Everyone was looking, everyone would see her.

Reaching up to her face, her hands were taken by Xu, warm and soft. She touched a finger to her lips: '"You're bleeding!" and pressed her palm against her forehead, taking her temperature.

"Oh Fu, you’re burning up and you're shaking, look! You’re not well, and you're hurt. Come on; we’ll go and see Dr…"

"DON’T CALL ME…"

She wrenched her hands free, and fought herself free from Xu’s attempts to stop her.

"Don’t… call you what? Fu? But… Raijin calls you Fu all the time. I thought…"

"IDIOT! He…he’s an idiot. I’m… NO!"

She pushed her away again, but much more violently this time. Xu flew back, hitting her side against a basin. Holding her side, she looked up at Fujin, but even now, she looked more concerned than scared.

Fujin opened her mouth, desperately trying to find some kind of apology, looking down in horror at her hands. She’d felt it again - a surge of adrenaline and that low howling that spoke of the tempestuous power lying just under the skin. She shook her head in terror, as the memories came back.

"Please, it… it’s alright! Please don’t be scared – I’m fine; just talk to me! You… you just need to calm down. I’m here, here for you, you understand?! I want to help you. Let me help you, please!"

Fujin sobbed with exasperated sadness. Why couldn’t she see, when it was so obvious?

"FILTHY!"

She pointed at the stall, and then pounded her chest with a balled fist. Xu shook her head vigorously, tears streaming down her face. But Fujin nodded, holding up her hands for Xu to see. Blood from her lip had dripped in spots onto them, and had been smeared in an ugly streak across them.

"SEE? THIS WHAT I AM!” she shouted with despair. “NOBODY IS SAFE – WILL ALWAYS END UP HURTING!"

"That’s not true! That’s a terrible thing to say about yourself!” Xu sobbed angrily. “Can’t you tell me what’s wrong – is it me? Did I say something that upset you? Did I do something? If I did, I'm sorry – I never meant to…"

Her sentence was cut off as she winced in pain, stumbling back against the basins. Fujin caught herself as she instinctively made to lunge to her rescue. Xu was obviously hurt – she was having to hold onto the basins and wall for support. Even so however, she was still trying to move to her, reach out to her. Fujin shook her head and backed away. She’d done it again, hurt innocent people – she’d hurt Xu! She couldn’t stand it… he was right about her…

"Please, you mustn’t get so upset! You’re not well, not thinking straight!” Xu pleaded. “You’re not evil, you're not fil…"

"DISGUSTING! AM… AM DISGUSTING... DON’T DESERVE XU’S SYMPATHY!" she cried, her voice distorted with so much sorrow and guilt, it was barely more than a croak.

And with that, she ripped open the door and fled, not stopping until she was safely in her room. Shaking with horror and shame, she curled up on the bed and pulled the covers over her.

"Filthy… evil…"

It had been a mistake to come here. She didn’t belong with good people, never would again. She’d been a fool for letting Xu convince her otherwise. Xu was so trusting, so good – she didn’t know. She had to get out of here. She’d resign first thing in the morning, just get away. She gripped her pillow tightly to her chest, tearing her fingers into it, clamping her eyes shut as she thought of how she’d hurt Xu. In despair, she sat up and looked at the mirror.

"Help me… help me please."

Outside the door, two figures exchanged concerned glances, before agreeing nothing could be done that night, but keep guard. Raijin sank into a squat near the door, head in his hands, shaking silently. Xu stood inches from the door, listening for any sounds, before leaning her head against the wood.

"Help me…"

She could hear the pitiful sobs, and felt her heart breaking all over again.

"I want to ‘Jin, I want to…" she whispered softly.