Her Forsaken Past Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. -Virginia Woolf ----------------------------------------------------------------------- They left the buggy parked outside, where the shrub and decay had become too much for the wheels of the terrain vehicle to manage and in a small cluster, they walked into the village; from outside looks it was only small, so only herself, Cloud, Tifa and Yuffie came inside. The sunshine was warm and the ground here seemed warmer than the sunshine could account for, so she could only assume that some sort of Mako derived operation had happened here. Yuffie danced with each step, each one as if a spring were built into the sole of her foot so she moved with a dancers grace from one spot to the next, laughing. Cloud seemed to take all this in his stride better than he had weeks before, just watching her in taciturn silence and only once or twice giving her a glance that suggested it was her fault that the hyperactive teenager was with them. Tifa, by turn, seemed far more lively and outgoing since that incident at the Gold Saucer and the ruined village of Corel at its lowest depths, something life changing had occurred there for her and she, like Yuffie, was attempting to live each moment to its fullest. It made Aerith want to smile as she watched Tifa alternate between adult restraint and occasional running through the grass with a whoop and a laugh that infected her own sense of humour to the point of sparkling laughter. Instead, she just watched with her glowing green eyes, feeling uplifted by their motions, walking at Cloud's side, the only one of the group capable of sticking to a sedate pace. He smiled and offered her a daisy whilst the two girls were out of sight and she laughed softly, taking it. "I um, saw it a while ago down the road," he said helpfully. "It's a bit crushed." She replied without thinking, wincing in at her self as his expression fell only a little. "But that's alright; it means it's gone through a lot." "Flowers aren't all that resilient," Cloud murmured. "You think? I don't think so. I think flowers, they struggle the hardest to live, in the coldest and inhospitable of climates, there is always life just waiting, underneath the surface. In the hottest desert, flowers bloom and grip to life dearly, waiting patiently for the next drop of water. Flowers endure harsh weather changes, natural predators, the stomping of boots, paws and talons. Flowers though, they continue to look up at the sun." She put her hand to her forehead and looked up, noting that Cloud did the same and she smiled, adding, "Because the sun is always there for them. It reminds them to go on trying. I like flowers because out of everything I have ever seen; they will continually try and try, even if failure happens. Maybe you should try to be more like a flower, Cloud." "What flower would I be?" "That's up to you, of course." She lowered her gaze as she tucked the flower into her jacket. "Everyone has different opinions. You know, there's something I've been meaning to tell you, only I don't think I have the words all right, currently." "You can try now," he was blushing, eyes bright as they watched and she blushed too, looking away with a faint crease appearing between her brows. "I'll listen to anything you say, Aerith." He said her name like a priest would whisper the name of his Goddess, softly, reverently. Speak it louder and would she vanish with the morning dew? "I don't know. It's awkward to say and I'm scared of how you'd react." "You never have to be scared of me, Aerith," he laughed. He definitely liked to say her name, she decided. Just as suddenly, someone was pulling her into the dense scrub around the pathway where it forked, strong hands of the Ninja Yuffie, who had left her shuriken to the side on the dirt floor. She crouched down and blinked, straightening her skirts whilst she eyed askance to the other side of the pathway, where Tifa was sitting on Cloud (more like her knee in his neck) and putting her finger to her lips for silence, her other hand wrapped firmly about his protesting mouth. Aerith nodded and tilted her head, listening. Turks. Danger... She started. Never before had the Planet spoken so clearly to her, or so audibly. Usually it was a murmuring, just out of the key she was used to singing in. This time it felt like a determined whisper in her ear. "Hey Rude, who do you like? Come on, what are you getting so embarrassed about? Who do you like?" "........Tifa." "Hmm, that's a tough one. But poor Elena... she... you..." "No. She likes Tseng." "I never knew that! But Tseng likes that Ancient." It was another blow – not that she didn't know already, in all honesty, but to hear it said so loudly. She felt like fading back into the camouflage of the scrub and pretending she wasn't listening in on this embarrassing conversation. She wished Reno knew when to keep his mouth shut! But then, he never had, talking like words tripped out of his mouth without real purpose or direction. She supposed it was part of his charm. She supposed. Across the way, Tifa's face mirrored hers for mortification and indignation. She was pressing a little harder down on Cloud who'd finally had enough and was pushing the distracted brunette off and crawling out into the open, dusting down his clothes. "Tifa," he scowled then he glanced towards the two men as they continued to chatter on about the girls, "...what are they on about?" "Oh it's so silly, they always talk about who they like or don't like. But Tseng's different." Aerith peeked to see the comical look of horror run across Cloud's face. The speaker was Elena, the fairly ditzy new Turk they'd met in the Mountain cavern. She'd been so sick with the venom she was half sure she'd imagined hearing they'd added to their ranks, but sure enough, the blonde was stood toe to toe with Cloud, horror trickling over her own face. She giggled into a hand. "Ah, oh no! They're here," Elena squeaked and shoved Cloud with surprising strength, running past him with her arms waving, "They're really here!" "Hmm," Reno looked up and then up higher at the sky with a squint, red hair still a total mess. "It's time then. Rude," he called to his buddy, "Don't go easy on them even if they're girls." "Don't worry," muttered the taller, heavier Turk, light glinting from his bald head. "I'll do my job." Aerith only just got from the way as Yuffie dashed from the cover with her shuriken held ready, this time saving grace and not falling flat on her face in her youthful exuberance. Tifa was adjusting her gloves and grinned at her, "You stay back, we'll take this trash out." She stood up and dusted her own dress down, glancing sidelong at Reno who took on a wounded expression as Elena bounded off. His mouth formed the words, "Kitten? You okay?" but didn't give them voice. Ashamed of herself for being unable to prevent these skirmishes, she looked away and nodded a little. Do not be so sad, Honoured Daughter, he understands. They all understand. But the voice of the Planet could not drown out the sounds of eager battle. Neither the cries of the girls when struck, nor the clang of weapon on weapon, the roar of magic in her head as it flung heat around her, scorching hot but never once touching her. She instead focused on the grass and the flowers, the daisy in her pocket and the hard feel of her diary underneath one fold of her jacket. One day, this will all be over. One day, I won't have to sit and listen any longer. I'll spend my life growing flowers, pretty flowers, that don't know this violence. They'll bob their heads to the music of nature and Tifa and Cloud, they'll both live with me and our friends will live close by and together, we'll live a happy life together. Together. Soon it was over, Rude and Reno rushing past her, but not so fast that she didn't catch sight of the blood in contrast to Reno's wicked grin and the note pressed into her hands that she tucked away so quickly. Yuffie hurried after them, then stopped and kicked at the dirt. "Oh man!" "...Hey. Something seems wrong," Tifa gasped through the need to suck air into her heaving lungs, "Like they knew we were coming." "They followed us, but there weren't any signs of it. So then..." "A spy?" Aerith said softly. She tried her hardest to keep her emerald gaze on the floor. "I can't believe it." "I don't even want to think there is a spy, I trust everyone," Cloud asserted in his usual firm tone and then, "...but we'd best move on as quickly as we can. Grab supplies and hurry, let's go." "Alright," Yuffie chirruped and hurried after Cloud, "Which means materia right!" "...maybe..." She turned and found Tifa was waiting for her still, a bit bruised and breathing heavily, but a smile on her lips and lighting up those wine coloured eyes. "Are you alright?" She asked the flower girl. She wanted to smile back, but the event had left her a bit shaken so she managed a half-smile and a shrug of her shoulders. "As always, Teef." "Teef! Been a while since I heard that... come on, Cloud said he saw something a little way up here." They walked together after Cloud and so she took this time to heal the wounds on Tifa's skin, the more visible bruising. When it was done, the fighter stretched and gave Aerith a gentle push which was the significant starting factor in a strange game of tag. Even Cloud eventually smiled at seeing them play together in the grass, bouncing from one ferny bank to the other with abandon. Aerith had to stop three or four times to just tuck the ribbon back around her braid as it tried to jostle itself loose with all the rough housing, but as quick as she tried to be, she was never as fast as Tifa. An hour of walking or so later, she finally grabbed a hold of her breathlessly and laughed in delight, arms encircling Tifa. "Gotcha!" "I was distracted!" The fighter claimed almost immediately, "That doesn't count." "Wha?" Aerith pulled back and then pouted. "But... but..." "I'm joking..." Tifa laughed, but her cheeks were flushed a dark pink and she suddenly seemed awkward. Aerith felt the same, standing so close left her wondering if she'd actually done the right thing by grabbing Tifa so hard – had she hurt her? "..." Her eyes searched around her nervously, and then up at Tifa's face. "I... um..." "...Aerith..." murmured the taller girl and bending slightly forward, so slowly that otherwise Aerith may have missed it if she weren't holding onto her. She bent so close that her nose brushed Tifa's and she blinked, eyes widening in alarm, but a warm kind of alarm. Faintly fuzzy, if she had to describe it accurately. "Teef... I..." "Shhh," was her answer as she felt something brush on her lips. Vague thoughts that she could just about piece together told her that this was almost a kiss. Almost. "...are you sure I'll get some materia?" Together the girls blinked in alarm and separated nervously; Tifa scuffing her foot into the dirt with her head down to hide the bright red colour of her face, Aerith with her hands clasped behind her back and gently swaying her hips as she tried to order those malicious thoughts that just wouldn't get back into place! Yuffie and Cloud came around the pathway bend, the younger girl stopping suddenly as she spied them. Cloud paused next to her, his expression just as grim. Tifa looked up, went a darker shade of red and burst out, "I can expl-" "Another ruined Reactor," Cloud muttered. Aerith blinked and looked over her shoulder at the devastating reactor mess, sprawled into the dirt and shrub. It lined a small pathway leading to the core where the explosion must have occurred. How had she missed it? It was so noticeable that Cloud and Yuffie had seen it right away, but she'd been so focused on Tifa, on feeling alive... "..." She said nothing and quietly followed Cloud as he led them deeper to the core mess, her eyes straying to the taller girl who gave her a confused but hopeful smile back. She returned it, blushing madly. Had she almost kissed her! A sound from behind them made her pause and look back. "Aerith, what is it?" Cloud said, stopping too. "I hear a helicopter." "ShinRa. Damn." Two hands grabbed her, but this time Cloud won in the battle for her, leaving Tifa to tug a rambunctious ninja after her to the other side of the reactor. He helped her to hide in the shards of the sharp metal, gently putting his arm before the really sharp bits at her back. Together, crouched close, they listened to the sound of the chopper grow close and then wind down. He gave her a look, coupled with an arched brow, but she shook her head, indicating that he should listen further. It was a good job he did too, for soon footsteps echoed up the fallen hallway to the core, voices rising out of the dimness of her hearing and Cloud's breathing. "...Hmph! This isn't any good either." It was that woman she'd only seen briefly in the lab, but Cloud hissed her name under his breath. Scarlett. She tucked the name away for later reference in her analytical mind. "You only get junky materia from junky reactors. This reactor is a failure. What I'm looking for is big, large, huge materia. You seen any?" "No, I haven't seen any. I'll get on it right away." Tseng. Her heart gave that little painful squeeze. "With Hojo gone, the Weapon Development has been getting a bigger budget." Hojo was gone? True, they'd seen him at the beach in Costa del Sol... but... well. She supposed after her breakout and his subsequent failure to contain the Jenova specimen and the rampage of his genetically altered soldier, Sephiroth... he was in a tad of trouble. "I envy them." "But even if we make the perfect weapon could that stupid Heidegger even use it?" "..." "Oh sorry, I forgot he's your boss! Kya ha ha!" ...that's the most horrible laugh ever, including Hojo's snigger. "..." "Let's go!" The sounds of their footsteps faded away and Cloud beside her murmured, "Big, large, huge materia? Ultimate weapon? Perfect weapon... just what are the ShinRa up to?" She stood up with his aid, looking wordlessly at where he'd been punctured in the arm a tiny bit from pressing into the sharp metal so she wouldn't have to. He shrugged and she was about to heal it for him when Tifa and Yuffie came running around the bend to them. She smiled, "Cloud got a scrape, I was going to heal it." "You should save your strength, Aerith-sama," Yuffie said. Ever since discovering she was an Ancient, the Wutai girl insisted on giving her the honorific ‘sama' which she was reliably told, indicated someone important, or of great worth. That and she sometimes muttered when asleep about Tifa and herself being sisters. "I have a medicinal ointment, should work just as well. Come on..." she took Cloud's hand, grinning. Cloud groaned and was led off. Tifa smiled and sidled closer, "Um... Aerith?" Her face felt like it was on fire, "Y-yes?" Her hand was held briefly, but when the fighter turned away and followed Cloud, laughing softly, she realised she had left a shining red orb. The red summoning materia groaned with the power of a Titan, earth bound but supremely strong. She felt stronger just having it and she lifted her eyes to Tifa's strong back, where the dark hair fishtailed naturally and found, she didn't know how to say thank you, for the first time in the longest while. Instead, she simply slotted it into her heavier bangle she wore on her left wrist and let the warm glow speak for itself. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The town was desolate in the sense that there was nothing comforting about it, at all. Any illusions she harboured about Zack's hometown were dispelled as they walked into the small place, past the graveyard where people tended the gravestones with flowers and heartbroken love in some strange ritual that she could understand. She wondered if she too should take an interest, after all, after all this time... The few shops there were remained small, like the place they stood in, sheltered by their rounded roofs that were tiled in strange red shale. She watched as Yuffie pressed herself almost immediately up by the materia shop sign with a half infatuated sigh. "Cloud, Tifa, Aerith-sama... Materia! Maaaateria!" "Personally," Cloud muttered dryly, "I think we should take her to the clothes shop." The ninja turned and put her hands on her nonexistent hips, they were so slender and puffed out her lower lip defiantly; that sock slowly slid down her leg for what had to be the hundredth time that day, much to Tifa's barely suppressed snicker of amusement. "What are you trying to say? What's wrong with my clothes?" "I was just thinking, we could get you a proper belt that fits correctly at the buckle, and maybe put some new elastic in that sock." "Belt? Belt!" That voice raced up those octaves so quickly that even Aerith winced, shutting one eye. "It works just fine; I'll have you know this belt is a gift from the forefathers of my clan! Why, the honourable Kisaragi clan..." and she was off. Tifa shrugged at Aerith who smiled back faintly. It was a rant they'd heard countless times, usually from when Barrett and Yuffie butted heads together over the last sweetmeat or the like. It normally ended badly for the ninja either way; Barrett was the kind of muscle that always wins once a fight gets physical, but the warm up taunts and the like, it tended to get tiresome fast. And repetitive, she couldn't forget that. By now, Aerith was sure she could recite all of the Kisaragi clan history and hardly break a sweat. Eventually, after much hassle from the ninja girl, they got to talking to some residents. It was when they entered the wrong house by mistake, looking for the local item store which was right next door (the sign was really too close to the other house) that she got the fright of her life. Inside the home, which was sparse but well loved, a middle aged couple were busy doing some chores, clearly the day off from working hard from the men folk. The woman, looking not much taller than the short ninja, smiled at the sight of Cloud, and then her face seemed to crumple midway into the smile, giving way to shock and surprise. "Aiken, Aiken!" she called in alarm, the husband suddenly appearing from the hallway and coming into the room with an armload of blankets, a shock of black hair visible from behind them. "What? I was just about to... oh, visitors!" "Aiken," hissed the wife, "Look at him." The man, Aiken, put the bundle of blankets down and paused to stare intently at Cloud who shuffled his feet. "Hey, are you in Soldier?" Soldier? How would he know that? "I was," Cloud frowned. "How-" "The glow in your eyes. Did you ever meet anyone called Zack?" Crumble. Shake. Quake. Fall down dead. She wasn't sure which emotion hit her first, but she did know her hands had gone to her middle and pressed there hard, to quell the sick feeling inside. Her heart pounded on her ribs as she stared at Cloud, then at the couple, then at Cloud again. Tifa, she barely noticed in her confusion and panic, was covering her ears and shaking her head. Then the couple turned to her and as if from a distance, she heard them ask of her; "Miss, do you know Zack? He said he had a girlfriend, why, she'd be about your age." Zack. Zack. Zack. It was a bit too close in the room and her knees felt like they'd suddenly had the caps and bones removed, moulded from rubber instead. She shook her head and tried to talk, tried to say something. "Zack... I..." Their faces were so expectant. She wanted to run to their arms and have a good cry, she wanted to ask why they hadn't seen him. Had only she been the last to know he'd gone to some far off place on a mission? Where was he? The panic was over-riding all her other normal responses and in a flash of blazing thoughtlessness she shook her head again, desperately and barged past the surprised ninja and out into the cool air. She ran past the houses and past the surprised people, wiping at her eyes. When had she started to sob? Zack! Then she took a glancing blow from the side of a house and span around, sitting down heavily. Her eyes stared and she didn't register the sound of feet coming after her, the voice calling her name. None of it mattered, because she was numb, she was deaf to the world. There was only his face, laughing... "Aerith, check it out." "What is it?" She grasped it and held it, the long slender present with holes in the end of either slightly enlarged end. He was beautiful, more than handsome, with his spiked black hair, rakish grin and those glowing violet-blue eyes. He leaned over and chuckled, "It's a staff, I figured you'd need something to protect yourself with." "Haven't I got you for that?" "Pfft, I don't get paid enough." She punched his arm, weak as she was and he pretended to stagger, groaning at her, "Ow!" he whined. "Oh come on, I'm weak as a kitten." "Oh... does this kitten purr?" "Zack," she laughed. "You never change." They were laughing together, soon enough in the sunlit ways of the city; they walked together and chattered happily. She used the stick he'd given her awkwardly and then, days later he'd come back to her, with the grin smoothed from his features. It had been smothered with sadness instead. "Aerith, they're sending me on a mission. I don't know how long I'll be..." "Aerith?" She started and looked up; Tifa was crouched before her, hand on her jacket covered arm to steady her. She realised dimly she was shaking and looked down in confusion. Tifa sat there in the dirt with her. "Don't worry, I told Cloud to wait at the inn with everyone. We'll catch up. You looked kind of odd back there." "..." "..." Tifa drew back her hand and exhaled. "I should tell you then." "Tell me what?" Aerith risked a look up at Tifa. The fighter had leaned back onto both hands as a support and was peering into the sky. "It's about Cloud." The claret eyes were sad, "That story he tells. You know it's a fake." "Yeah..." "Zack came to Nibelheim. Not Cloud. The details, they're mostly right if you put Zack there instead of him." Aerith's eyes widened and she drew a slow breath, tears spilling down her cheeks. How long had Tifa put up with that lie? It must be going on for more than five years now, living the fake lies of someone else. Tifa noticed this and laughed softly. "Don't worry, I'll tell him eventually, when it's the right time, you know. You can help me explain it all." "Tifa." "So, why did you run off?" She drew her knees up close and hugged then, resting her chin on the kneecaps and peering down at her boots, ugly and clunky things, but comfortable, durable, strong. "Zack... was my first love. Boyfriend, I suppose, for a while. He said he'd been sent somewhere... I didn't know it was Nibelheim. He never came home. I guess he must be dead if he isn't here. What a shock..." "Rissy, I'm sorry." She jerked upright, "R-rissy?" "Oh, yeah," Tifa laughed nervously and blushed, "I mean... you gave me a nickname. Took me a while but I thought of one for you." "Rissy." "Okay, you don't have to keep saying it like its poison," Tifa grumped, pouting. Then, she couldn't stop either the tears or the laughter. The loss of Zack, the pain of knowing he was truly gone and the companionship of Tifa, the gaining of something just as precious in his place. She wanted to laugh and she wanted to cry, both seemed a reasonable reaction. So she surprised the fighter by throwing her arms about her and holding on tightly, holding until she should break from it, but she didn't. In fact, the arms that came up and hugged her back thrilled her deeply. Just holding and being held was enough. Funny things keep happening. But I like that, Planet. I like that. Fate should have been a stand up comedian then. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- They slept. The campfire warm and their tents not needed for they were getting closer to the desert by the day, an area home to Red if his increasingly erratic and excitable actions were any indication to go by. She slept close to Tifa because she enjoyed the sound of her breathing, soft and gentle. But her eyes were open and staring to the stars, her heart full but also empty, all in one confusing moment, pressed together. So she sat up for a while and wrote in the diary, putting down thoughts and feelings, a few snapshots that Yuffie had taken of them along the way with her new camera. None of them had precisely asked where she'd purloined the camera from and she supposed it was better to not know, than to ask and be displeased with the answer. Across the campfire, two people were awake. Barrett who was scanning on watch and the other was Cloud who peered now and then at Red who twitched and whimpered in his sleep as many animals tended to do, and sometimes at the inert stuffed form of Cait. She smiled, but it felt forced. He looked so much like Zack, every action; every word was imprinted with the memory of a man she'd loved at one point in her life to that sweet distraction of a first love. But it wasn't him and now only that memory haunted her, and she supposed, Tifa in some ways. The time would come when she would have to help Cloud to remember that what he said to them was a story, a fabrication he kept living because he couldn't rightly recall his own reality. And she shrank from that inside. But if she didn't help then poor Tifa, so physically tough, so emotionally fragile; poor Tifa would have to deal with it alone. Hadn't she promised to always help her best friend? ...yet... Turning, putting aside the journal into her jacket once again, she looked at the peaceful, smiling face of her friend as she lay in repose. An arm was under her head as always, that habit she found hard to break and the other out flung carelessly with her hair cloyingly clinging to her shapely form, both legs splayed at unusual angles under the bedding that was rumpled: Tifa really was a restless sleeper. Her fingers touched her lips and Aerith found herself blushing. What had happened? The glint of red materia caught her eye, burning blood red and she turned the bangle, moved it around and around so it sparkled with magical life, the glittering orbs of power. Two materia slotted close together, Shiva and Titan, each softly resonating with the power in her spirit. Wordless, she lay back down without the ability to find sleep. Instead it stalked her, it pounced on her and pulled her down like a prey, like a predator, and only the blackness of her thoughts remained. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I want it. I never realised how much I was lacking, or how much I really needed it. I have a lot of things, but a lot of them are so faked, a lot of them are see-through. I can see other things through them. I've lived so long with my lies I'm starting to believe them. I do believe them. Sometimes. You said he was your first love. And I'm jealous. I'm so jealous it could kill me from the inside, like a silent disease, eat away at me until only the jealous rage is left. That you loved someone else, that they loved you, that they had the first part of your tender heart you had to give to someone else, to love, to be loved. I hate it. I hate it so much. Do you understand? But... ...without that, I probably would have never met you. So I'm grateful to him too. Nothing of the past matters, you know? None of it; not to me, not anymore. Do you hear the ticking? No? You stopped that... you stopped it all. I'm so happy, right now. So I have to say it, I have to let you know, when it's all over, when we finish this damned stupid quest of Cloud's and we can all go home. I want you to come with me. I want to show you the spring slopes of Nibelheim. I want to take you out on the airship you confided in me amazed you. I want to show you those stars at the well and see them in your eyes and hear your laughter and...and... ...I want you to know, that I want it. I want you to love me. I want it, just like I love you, Aerith. Like I love you.
Back to Love Not Often Index - Back to Final Fantasy 7 Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction