It’s wrong to want your cousin and logically you know that. It doesn’t stop you from watching her when she isn’t looking nor does it stop you from daydreaming about what it would be like to have her look at you the way she was always looking at him. You know it will never happen and laugh bitterly when you have one of those brief moments of being a realist and admit that even your brother has more chance with her, and even he has only a sliver of hope.
You can’t compete with a ghost, especially that of a first love. You want to hate him and the fact that he got to hold her and kiss her but despite the fact that he got her and you never will, he was your friend and you can’t bring yourself to hate him. Even if you can’t escape their epic love for each other as she has you gallivanting all over Spira looking for those stupid spheres.
You know it isn’t him, can’t possibly be him because he was nothing more than a dream. You just don’t have the heart to point that out to her, not that she’d listen anyway. She’d ignore you the same way she ignores Paine and it hurts a little to think that a dream is more important to her than the people who are around and actually exist. You don’t mention that either because it sounds far too bitter even in your own head and she wouldn’t understand anyway.
Days have started to blend into each other and it’s all the same each day. Wake up and realise you still have feelings for Yuna followed by an uncomfortable breakfast as you try not to look at her and remember just what she was doing in your dream last night. You always run to the shower after that and no matter how long you take no one can complain that there isn’t any hot water left because you stopped using it after the third night and you only have cold showers now.
You wish you could say that travelling to all the different towns is at least interesting enough to offer some variety, but it’s just not. You always go for one reason and that’s it, she’d never forgive you if you didn’t show support for her quest. You feel a little resentful that you have this obligation to make her feel better when you turn up nothing and hate even more that it’s a role that she forced on you. Then it’s an eventful, yet quiet on your part, dinner and no one comments on the fact that her disappointment is almost stifling. No one even notices that you don’t eat anymore.
You’re sitting on your bed just sort of staring off into space when she enters the cabin and it’s such an everyday thing that you barely even acknowledge her presence until she’s standing in front of you. This is new and it grabs your attention immediately, worry rising at this deviation from the norm. In the back of your mind that little voice that won’t shut up notices how beautiful she looks in the low light.
“Is anything wrong?” she asks and all you can do is stare at her. The fact that she noticed something other than her ‘inner turmoil’ surprises you. Then you feel bad because she’s here to make sure you’re alright and she doesn’t deserve your petty attitude.
“No, why would you think that?” You’re lying and you know that she knows that. You can see the disbelief written clearly across her face as well as the hurt which you try to ignore.
She just shakes her head then sighs and flops down on your bed beside you, “I think I want to take a break.”
You lie down beside her and just look at her for a moment. You don’t understand what she’s talking about, but then you rarely do because she’s always saying things that are really deep and meaningful and you’re the first to admit that you’re rather shallow and not as in touch with big issues as you should be.
“A break?” your confusion is evident in your voice and by your expression.
“From sphere hunting,” she confides, “I’m sick of always being disappointed. Why can’t I find him?”
She starts crying and you briefly consider jumping for joy. Then you feel guilty because she obviously needs you to be a friend and it’s extremely inappropriate to be dancing around in happiness when she’s all but given up on the love of her life. Instead you pull her in for a hug and ignore the way having her so close makes you feel all warm.
You let her cry for what seems like hours but a quick check of the clock shows that it’s only been twenty minutes. She’s calmed down to just the occasional sniffle and you soothingly rub her back and it’s one hundred percent innocent because for once you’re not thinking of how attractive you find her or the way she makes you feel when she’s this close.
“You remind me of him, you know?” she says softly and it hurts because she knew you first so you shouldn’t be reminding her of anyone and you almost say something but then she’s talking again, “you both have that carefree attitude and that quick, easy smile. I miss that silly over enthusiasm you both have. Sometimes I used to forget he wasn’t here because you were always as energetic but you’re not anymore and I don’t understand why you won’t tell me what’s wrong”
You’re confused. The conversation has taken a few too many turns for your mind to keep up and all you get from it is the hurt from being compared to him and the guilt and anger her concern for you instils. You think it’s unfair that even now everything is about him. The only reason she noticed anything is because you’re no longer behaving like him and despite what you thought earlier, you really do hate him at this moment because he’s even taken this away from you.
“I just don’t like seeing you so sad Yunie” you lie and feel a little nauseous at how effortless lying to her has become.
She looks at you as if she’s trying to determine the truth of your words. You know the exact moment that she sees through your excuse as hurt, followed by anger, flashes in her eyes and settles across her face. She pulls away from you and then stands up.
“Don’t lie to me” her voice is barely louder than a whisper but the message and feeling is as loud as ever.
Instead of giving her the answers she wants you ask her a question that’s been on your mind since she started making comparisons between you and him, “Do I look like him too?” you don’t want to hear the answer, not really, but you have to. You know that if she says yes you won’t be able to stay knowing that she doesn’t see you anymore; that you don’t really exist for her anymore.
“What? Why would you ask that?” she seems both offended and confused, as if she doesn’t even realise that she just spent the last ten minutes comparing you to a dead man.
“Well I mean everything else is the same to you so I’m wondering if I look like him as well” you know on some level that you’re probably being unfair to her bringing this up now while she’s so visibly upset but you don’t care. All you care about is how unfair she’s been to you over the months, using you as some sort of emotional crutch.
“A little but what...” she starts but you cut her off.
“So when did I stop being me in your mind and start being a poor replacement for him?” you can’t even bring yourself to say his name out loud.
“That’s...you’re not...” she has trouble forming a reply and to you that indicates her answer louder than anything she could actually say at this point.
“I love you, more than I should really because I’m actually in love with you. I have been for years, since we were kids and I understood that you would never feel the same. But we were still family you know? I still mattered even if it wasn’t as much as I wanted,” you move away and head to the stairs, “I don’t matter anymore. You’ve made me into this person in your mind and I’ll never be him Yunie, but I can’t be me either.” You laugh bitterly inside and think that it’s a perfect time to finally sound like you have depth and substance. She doesn’t try to stop you as you leave the cabin and you don’t look back.
When you get to the bridge your eyes are dry but they are so red and puffy that even Brother picks up on the fact that you’ve been crying. It takes you a couple of tries but you finally manage to tell him that you want to leave. You don’t have a real plan but you tell Brother to take you to Djose temple. Gippal has always made you feel welcome, and who better to help you forget about her?
You stay away from the cabin where she decided to stay and wait while Buddy changes course. You don’t think you could go through with leaving if you see her so you remain on the bridge and ignore Brother as he tries to talk you out of leaving. Several times you almost give in but you think about Yuna and all the comparisons, and all the hurt and it reminds you that leaving is the only option.
For the first time in years Brother actually hugs you. You think you even see a tear before he says goodbye and heads back on board the Celsius. He’s the only one who came to see you off so you turn and walk to the temple.
Gippal meets you half way and asks what’s wrong, “It’s not that I mind having you around to help out. Just wondering why you’re here and not there.”
It’s not even like he’s said something to really remind you of how tragic your life is now, but you find yourself breaking down and crying in the middle of the road. Amongst all the hysterical sobs you hear him walk up to you and for a second just his presence is comforting.
“He was the replacement,” says a voice so achingly familiar and you realise that it wasn’t Gippal that had approached you.
You don’t look up and you don’t really hear what she said. All you can think is about is that she won’t even let you leave in peace. You barely even notice when she sits down beside you, or when she gently takes one of your hands from your face and just holds it.
“Don’t leave,” she says, voice breaking, “please don’t leave me”
You just look at her, hoping that something shows in her face to give you a clue as to why she’s doing this to you. You see nothing but honesty and that does nothing to answer the questions raging through your mind. Something must show in your expression as you roughly pull your hand from hers because she continues to speak.
“You were never the replacement. It was never about the similarities you had to Tidus,” you flinch as she says his name, “it’s always been about the things he did or said that reminded me of you.”
It makes no sense to you. Well it does but you don’t know how she could be saying these things. She was so in love with him that it showed in everything she did. You say as much to her and tears start to well in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” she’s openly crying now and you fight the urge to comfort her because you hurt too and nothing she’s said has made you feel any different. You’re ignoring the faint spark of hope that had sprung up when you first heard her voice; it’s irrelevant, until she leans over and kisses you.
“I loved you from the moment I could put a name to what I was feeling. I didn’t think you could ever feel the same way, not just because we’re both girls, but because you were just so full of life and I was so quiet. I didn’t want to hold you back.” She says and takes your face between her hands. Holds you there to make sure you listen to what she’s trying to say.
“But you said...and he...you” you’re at a loss for what to say.
“I love you and I’m sorry, for so many things. But mostly for making you think you weren’t important. You will always be the most important person in my life Rikku and you will never be a replacement in my mind.” She declares and kisses you again. It’s rough and desperate, like she’s trying to convey everything in this one moment and you can feel the hurt ease.
It doesn’t make things automatically
better but you think that so long as she keeps looking at you like you’re
her entire world it may eventually sort itself out. You can do this
you think, so long as she stays by your side and you do it together.