Look at Me Now
<Here you are in the back of my mind again
Don't guess it's gonna get any better>
"Miss Kamiya!" The teacher snapped.
"Gomen nasai, sensei san." Hikari said, shaking her head briskly as
she apologized to the teacher. "The answer is fifteen."
"Very good. Now please try to pay attention."
Hikari sighed. That's what she got for reminiscing about the past.
<Is your memory ever gonna end
Or does it go on forever?>
Miyako met her outside the classroom. "Are you still angry at your
Mimi chan?"
"She's not my Mimi chan!" Hikari exploded. "Not anymore." She
whispered. Miyako nodded and paced silently beside the distraught
brunette. "I never asked for anything from anyone." She sighed
bitterly. "I just gave, and gave, and gave. I asked for one little
thing from the woman I love. Is that too much to ask from her?" She
sobbed quietly.
"Did you ever think that it may have been?" Miyako asked gently as she
walked away leaving Hikari in stunned silence.
<I was the one when you left town
Said I'd get along somehow.>
Hikari walked towards the apartment she shared with her brother, but
her mind was a thousand miles away and six months in the past.
"'Kari chan..."
"Just go Mimi, she said deliberately dropping the affectionate suffix.
"This little kid will be just fine without you."
Hikari shivered at her own cold voice. She had walked away and never
looked back, something she regretted even today. Mimi had never seen
the tears she shed. She never saw her beloved's heart break.
<Didn't take long to find out
I was wrong.>
Hikari let herself in and immediately logged onto the computer to
check her mail. A few minute later she shut off the machine with a
string of curses that would have shocked Taichi. Still nothing from
Mimi.
Not that I ever answer them. She thought, opening a dresser drawer to
produce her diary and a manila envelope containing every
correspondence the pair had shared, the more recent ones marked with a
tidy PS in the upper left corner for 'post separation'. Hikari opened
the folder and read the last e-mail dated two weeks ago.
To: LightChildNo8@jol.com
From: PinkSincerityCowgirl@yahoo.com
Subject: Silence
Hikari chan,
Are you still mad at me? We both said a lot of things we didn't mean
and I would give anything to take them back what I said. I know I hurt
you with my words and now you're hurting me with your silence. Please
say something, 'Kari. I need to know you're okay. I need you to be
complete. I'm worried sick so please let me hear from you. Please.
Your unforgiven,
Mimi
That one had nearly gotten a response out of her, but everything she
wanted to say was too personal or clichéd to send in a letter. And now
Mimi had stopped writing all together. Was she tired of not getting a
response or hurt or even...
"Oh please be all right Mimi." Hikari whispered as she opened her
journal and flipped to the last entry.
Journal entry: February 14, 2001
Valentines day. I think if I see one more heart, I'm gonna scream.
I've gotten plenty of valentines, me being the attractive, popular
girl I am, but nothing from the one I really wanted to hear from.
Nothing from Mimi.
Look at me, I'm crying. How can she bring out my strongest emotions
when she's thousand of miles away? Pull yourself together girl. If you
go bawlin' at every little thing, you'll never make it through this
separation.
Separation. Makes it sound so civil, but if it was so tidy, then why
does it feel like my heart is being ripped apart?
Hikari, the unloved.
Hikari blinked at that. The unloved? Well it was true, wasn't it? The
love of her heart was thousands of miles away and no one here could
love her like that. Not the way she needed to be loved. She brushed
the thought away and turned to a clean page.
Journal Entry: February 15, 2001
I wish I could write something deep and inspiring but I can't. My life
is shit without her and if I don't hear from her soon... I may just
end it all. I want to forgive her but something won't let me. Is it my
pride or the pain or... Fuck it. I'm gonna do my homework and get
trashed, just for something to do.
K
Her signature was a large black scar jarring against the other neat
script of the page. She stared at it a moment before flinging it
across the room in a fit of rage as hot tears flooded her eyes.
<Look at me now
Nothing but a whole lot of time on my hands
Look at me now
Thought I wouldn't need you now I understand
You said I was never gonna learn
Look at me now>
Taichi came home to a familiar sight with a disturbing twist. Hikari
draining a large tumble of vodka was expected. The large bloodstained
knife and towel were not.
"Hikari!" He shouted rushing to her side.
"Yello, onii chan." She sighed wearily staring into the empty glass
before she refilled it.
"What are you doing?" Taichi exploded.
"I can't feel anything anymore, Tai'" She sobbed draining the glass in
one swallow before grabbing the knife and making a shallow incision
from her wrist to her elbow. She stared as the blood welled up before
pressing the towel to her arm to stem the flow. "No pain, no joy,
nothing."
"Hikari you need help." Taichi said moving towards her.
"I DO NOT NEED FUCKING HELP!" She shouted swinging her arm hard enough
to send both bottle and glass flying into the wall, fragmenting on
impact. She stared helplessly at the results of her outburst before
she collapsed sobbing. "I need my Mimi chan."
"This isn't going to make the pain go away, imoto chan."
"I told you," She sobbed as he brought a fresh towel to wrap her
wrist. "I don't feel any pain."
"There's lots of pains, Hikari. You have to be feeling something. How
would you describe it?"
"Empty." She whispered before she began sobbing again.
Ten minutes later Jyou finished the last of the stitches. "Keep them
clean and dry and... try to get her some help."
"I don't want any help." Hikari said stumbling into her brothers arms.
"She's lost a lot of blood. I'm gonna put her to bed and make her stay
home tomorrow. Thanks for the help Jyou."
"Just think about what I said." He said as Taichi scooped his sister
into his arms and carried her to bed.
"She lied Taichi." The younger girl said as he tucked her into bed.
"She said she loved me but she wouldn't have done this too me if she
loved me."
"I'm sorry, little light." Taichi whispered gently kissing her
forehead. "I don't know what to tell you."
He turned out the lights and was about to close the door when she
whispered, "Why did she break my heart, Taichi?"
<I was so busy looking out for myself
I know I must have took you for granted>
"Mimi girl, you look terrible." Foxe said. "You're not still moping
are you?"
"What's she got to be sad about?" Destiny asked. "You're gorgeous. I
mean you could have any guy you want."
I don't want a man. She thought miserably. I want my Hika' chan.
"She's in a funk because she had a fight with some girl before she
left and now she ain't heard from her in six months." Foxe said. "I
say, drop her like a bad habit, right D?"
"You know it girl." The pair high fived each other. "If that selfish
little bitch-" Destiny was cut off by Mimi's solid right hook.
"Don't you dare judge her!" Mimi snarled her brown eyes flashing.
"She's the most selfless, patient, caring person I've ever known, so
don't you judge her. You don't know her and you sure as hell don't
know me, you stupid shallow bitches!" She exploded as she spun on her
heel and stormed away.
<Didn't wanna make room for someone else
Didn't know love when I had it.>
Mimi stormed back to the flat her parents had rented for her in an
attempt to get her over what they called her "seclusion phase"
muttering to herself. Destiny had the right idea but she pinned it on
the wrong person.
Hikari was everything Mimi had said and more. In fact, she was
everything that Mimi herself wasn't.
No, Hikari wasn't the bitch.
She was. Takichawa Mimi, bearer of the crest of Sincerity was nothing
more than a selfish bitch.
<You were the one who set me free,
But you can lay the blame on me>
Mimi fell back on her bed and pulled a photo out of her notebook.
"Oh Hika' we were so happy together until..."
It was the night before she had left for America and her family and
friends had gathered to throw her a going away party. Her mother was
understanding about where her heart had fallen and had covered for her
while she and Hikari had some private time on the roof.
"So I guess you're really going." Hikari said quietly.
"Yes, tomorrow, but I wish I wasn't." She said brushing a chestnut
bang out of her beloved's eyes.
"Why don't you stay here, Mimi chan?" Hikari asked kissing the older
girls hand. "Stay with me."
"Oh God knows I wish I could, Hika' chan, but even though I want to, I
can't put my life on hold for you."
"Not even for love, little rose?" 'Kari asked
"Not even for that, little Starfire." Mimi sighed petting Kari's hair.
"Don't you love me?" Hikari asked stroking Mimi's cheek.
"On the contrary, Starfire. I love you so much it hurts, but you're
just a little kid. We won't be together forever."
"Then maybe we shouldn't be together at all." Hikari snapped springing
to her feet.
"What are you saying?" Mimi asked terrified by her love's sudden
change in demeanor.
"We're finished." 'Kari snarled. "Even you can understand that, unless
you're denser than I thought. It's over."
"Fine." She huffed.
"Fine!" 'Kari spat venomously.
"Goodbye!" Mimi said desperately trying to think through this.
"Good riddance!" Hikari said practically wrenching the door off its
hinges.
"I don't want you!"
Then Kari said the most painful thing to pass between the pair.
"I hate you!" She shrieked slamming the door as the cold echo of her
words and the slamming metal decimated Mimi's heart.
Mimi wiped away the tears the memory left wishing she could wipe away
the pain that caused them as easily. She couldn't help but wonder what
she could have done to change that night. I'd give anything to undo
that night. She thought dejectedly as her chest throbbed with the
familiar ache of her love's absence. All I really want is a second
chance and to be with my love. Sighing, she replaced picture and
checked the answering machine for any word from Hikari."
"Mimi, it's Faith. I checked around about your computer. It'll be at
least a week, but probably closer to two until someone can even look
at it. I'm sorry kid."
Two weeks without contact with Hika? That would never do. She had to
talk to her, to make her understand.
She had to make it right.
<Come my way and you'll see
I have changed.>
Mimi looked in the mirror and was shocked by the haggard woman who
stared back at her with sunken cheeks and dark bags under puffy
bloodshot eyes.
"Why does your love hurt so much, Hika' chan?" She whispered hoarsely.
She gave the mirror one last long look before smashing it into glass
shards.
<Look at me now
Nothing but a whole lot of time on my hands
Look at me now
Thought I wouldn't need you now I understand
You said I was never gonna learn
Look at me now.
Calling your name in the quiet of the night.>
Taichi sat next to Hikari's bed as she tossed and turned in fitful
dreams.
"Mimi," She murmured. "Come back. Don't leave me, I didn't mean it!"
"She's taking this hard." Sora said from the door.
"Too hard." Tai said, slipping into the hall. "She sat in front of me
and slit her arm open because she can't feel anything. She drank the
better part of half a bottle of vodka today. Sora, she's trying to
destroy herself and I can't stop her. I can't protect her from
herself."
"It's not your fault Taichi. Your kid sister fell for Mimi hard and
Mimi was all to happy to catch her but something happened that
night..." Sora trailed off. She had strong feelings for both girls and
seeing them like this just made her want to smack their heads
together. "They loved each other and still do, but whatever happened
on that roof tore them apart and I think 'Kari feels she did a lot of
the tearing. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. I know more
about what your feeling than you think. Hikari and Mimi have to work
this out for themselves or else go mad."
<Seeing your face every time I close my eyes.>
Mimi rolled over to avoid the glaring red numbers of her alarm clock
as 3:30 AM found her wide awake.
Not that she wasn't tired. Quite the contrary, she was mentally,
physically, and emotionally exhausted, but every time she closed her
eyes she saw Hikari's eyes filled with hurt and anger as her last
words echoed in the older girl's mind.
As she often did, Mimi thought back to the time they had shared in the
digital world and tonight one conversation in particular came to mind.
"You're going to break a lot of hearts one day Hikari."
"Do you really think so, Mimi."
"Oh, yes. But you're also going to make someone very happy."
"Damn it all to hell, I hate being right!" She sobbed burying her face
in her pillow as she cried herself to sleep.
<It's always the same, I keep hoping that you might...>
Divided by a sea of emotions, two hearts yearned for the same thing.
I want to be whole again.
<Look at me now
Standing here holding my heart in my hands.>
Mimi stood on the fire escape holding a pressed pink rose and a photo
of her and Hika' taken at the beach, as the cold city wind ruffled her
hair.
"Hika' chan, if we ever meant anything to each other, please come back
to me." She whispered kissing the photo before slipping it and the
rose into an envelope.
<Look at me now
Wishing I'd told you we can still start again.>
"Takeru, do you ever think you did the right thing," Hikari asked
stealing the ball from he best friend and dribbling past him. "but
then think maybe," She paused to sink a free throw. "you were wrong?"
"You mean Mimi, don't you?" He said grabbing the ball and moving over
to a park bench
"Well, yeah. I guess I do. All this time I've been trying to convince
myself that I don't need her and that it was all her fault. Now I
realize all I was doing was shifting the blame for my own dark
downward spiral." She said pushing her dark glasses back up her nose.
"Well 'Kari. I'll be honest with you. I love you deeply and always
have. But when you truly love someone the way that I love you... their
happiness comes before your own." He lifted her chin and before she
could stop him, he gently removed her dark glasses. "Mimi makes you
happier than I've ever seen you, and while that kills me inside, what
you've been doing to yourself since she left is even worse. When was
the last time you had a good dreamless sleep, where you climbed into
bed and drew the covers up over yourself instead of passing out over a
vodka glass while slitting your arm open because you can't feel
anything?"
"Why did he tell you?"
"He wanted someone to help you, both of you." Takeru said rolling up
her sleeve to reveal four rows of long black stitches. "I can't put
into words how much seeing you like this hurts. I'm here to help you,
if you'll let me. Let me." He pleaded. "What does it take for you to
forgive her?"
Hikari snatched the glasses from him and slipped them on as she yanked
her sleeve down. "I don't want her!" She snarled, then sighed. "I need
her. I want to forgive her and beg her to forgive me, but I can't do
it in a letter. I need to be there, to hold her hand, look into her
eyes..." She sighed again, this time with a wistful smile. "There's
too much distance, emotional and physical."
"The emotional distance you'll have to close yourselves, together. As
for the physical distance, I've got about fifteen thousand American
worth saved up in mad money. Go to her."
"I can't. School-"
"Lets out for spring break the week after next. Hop on a plane, take
one of the others with you and tell her in person."
"It's not that easy 'Keru. I- I said I hated her." And for the first
time, in a sobbing rush the tale of what happened that night came
pouring out.
The young blonde listened silently, then asked quietly. "Deep down in
your heart, did you mean it?"
"No! Of course not. I was angry and hurt and confused."
"And Mimi was feeling the same way. Go to her. I'll bet you're each
miserable without the other. Now you're going and that's final, no
excuses." He said cutting off her protests.
"What is she doesn't want me back?"
"She'd be destroying a part of herself. Mimi acts stupid sometimes,
but even she won't do that."
"Takeru you're so..." She trailed off sobbing.
"I have my moments." He murmured cradling the vulnerable young girl in
his arms.
"Did she turn back Takeru?"
"Huh?"
"When she boarded the plane. Did she ever look back?"
"No Hika', but I think she wanted to."
<What I'd give if you'd turn
And look at me now>
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