"And now," a familiar monotone voice said to loud applause, "It's time once again for the Mireille Bouquet Show. Tonight's a very special political roundtable discussion on the war in Iraq, and the international strain between the US, France, and Central America. And now, here's the host of our show; Mireille Bouquet." The audience grew louder as the beautiful blonde Corsican walked out on stage. She bowed happily to the crowd. "Thank you so much," she said with a grin, "And now, let's hear it for my co-host. She's the peanut butter to my jelly, Kirika Yumura!" The audience once again erupted into loud applause as the quiet young woman came out on stage. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could the purple-haired "mail-girl" in the Groucho glasses and green cloak came out with a large bouquet of long-stemmed roses and handed them to the surprised Japanese woman. "For you," the mail-girl explained, adding "From your truest fan." As Kirika blushed sweetly at the unexpected gift, Mireille narrowed her eyes with a frown, "Any flowers delivered to the mail-room for me?" she asked, trying to keep any hint of jealousy out of her voice. "Just one," the purple-haired woman explained as she passed it over. "Well, I suppose I should be grateful," she said resentfully, "After all, quality is more important than quantity and... Hey! This isn't a flower; it's a dandelion. They're weeds." "Sorry," the mail-girl said with a smile, "That's all you get." "Humph, figures. By the way, have you had any luck yet tracing whoever's been sending me those prank letters yet?" "Nope," she answered, adding "It's a complete mystery." "Figures. Kirika, let's head over to the set and... Kirika?" The young Japanese woman wasn't listening; she was holding the bouquet in her arms as if it were an infant, a sweet smile gracing her face as she inhaled its fragrance. "KIRIKA!" "Hmm?" the brunette asked as she finally looked away from the flowers and over at the sour host. "It's time to start the show! Now get rid of the flowers and get over there in your seat by my desk!" "Don't worry," the mail-girl said tenderly to the young co-host, "I'll put your flowers in your dressing room for later." "Mmm," Kirika nodded to her with a smile, adding "Thanks." The mail-girl then turned to Mireille, "Would you like me to put your dandelion in your dressing room?" "Oh shut up," the blonde muttered as she turned away and stormed over to her desk. She was shortly thereafter joined by Kirika, who sat in the seat next to her. "Mireille, is everything okay?" the young co-host asked. "Oh, just peachy. I'm the star of the show, but I get nothing but stupid prank letters and dandelions while you get roses and letters telling you how great you are, I..." her voice died off as she saw Kirika looking down at the floor, "(sigh) I'm sorry. I suppose I should be happy that everyone else finds you as special as I do," she said as she reached out and stroked the younger woman's hair. Kirika smiled cutely as she leaned into the hand. "Mmm..." she purred softly, "Then you're not mad about the flowers?" Mireille smiled back at her co-host, "Of course not, I..." "Or all the fanmail I get talking about how cute and adorable I am?" "Well..." "Or that box of chocolates a fan sent me last week? Or those French teen magazines I'm always featured in? Or..." "Kirika," Mireille said through gritted teeth as she narrowed her eyes, "Let's wait until we're off the air to talk about all your fans, shall we?" she then turned back to the camera and put on her best fake smile, "And now, a word from our newest sponsor." ------ -Commercial Break- As the beginning strings of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons starts to play in the background, the inside of a women's clothing store comes into view. As the camera shows various dresses on hangers and glimpses of the lingerie section, a woman's voice comes in. "Style, sophistication, elegance. Whether it's a night out on the town or that first date with someone special, you'll find what you're looking for here, at The Silky Doll." The camera now pans to an elegantly-dressed woman with long silvery hair standing before a display of evening gowns, "Hello, I'm Sylia Stingray, owner and proprietor here at this lovely clothing establishment located in the heart of Mega Tokyo. We have an extensive line of lingerie and clothing for the woman on the go, guaranteed to impress and delight both the senses and the pocketbook." "And look here," Sylia said as she walked over to the left a bit where a nervous-looking young blonde was standing, "Here we have a customer. Tell us your name and what brings you to The Silky Doll." "H... Hello." The young woman stuttered out, "Yes, I am a customer, and definitely not a friend or employee of Sylia's who was forced into being here today. My name is Nene Romanova, and I shop here for the panties, as well as the..." the blonde's voice drifted off. Sylia raised an eyebrow and gave her a look. "Psst," she whispered out the side of her mouth, "Come on; finish the line." "I can't," Nene answered back a bit too loudly, "Linna's holding the next cue card upside down, I..." she was cut off as a red-faced Sylia covered her mouth with her hand. "Where is she?" an angry woman shrieked from off-camera. Nene's eyes suddenly went wide with fear. "Oh poop!" the blonde cried out as she suddenly ran off, an angry biker chick running through the store after her. "I'll kill you!" the biker growled, "You gave that idiot Leon one of the photos of me in that damned pink dress from the bet, didn't you?" "Aaa! Sylia, Linna, help me!" the blonde screamed. As the sounds of yelling and objects crashing to the ground continued in the background, Sylia looked back at the camera and sweat dropped as she attempted to salvage the situation. "Um... He, he... Yes, everyone comes here, from cute blonde computer geeks to homicidal butch rock stars. So remember to visit The Silky Doll on your next visit to Mega Tokyo. I'll look forward to seeing you then," she added as The Four Seasons once again started playing. -End Commercial Break- Mireille and Kirika looked at the monitor, then at one another, then back at the monitor again. "What in the hell was that?" Mireille asked in disbelief, "That was quite possibly the most unprofessional piece of garbage I've ever seen." "You've obviously never seen reruns of this show," the mail-girl said as she walked back out onto the set. "What?" Mireille asked. "Oh, nothing," she answered, smirking behind her Groucho glasses, "Here's the latest batch of letters for this week's viewer mail." "Humph, thanks," Mireille murmured as she took the letters from the mail-girl. "And it looks like the first letter is for you Kirika." "Mmm. 'Dear Kirika, everyone knows you shared a kiss with that smart, cute, talented and beautiful assassin Chloe. You're now with that much older bleached-blonde though...'" "Hey!" "'...So what I and all the other fans out there would like to know is; when did you two first kiss?' Well, I can still remember it like it was yesterday," Kirika said with a dreamy look in her eyes, "We'd returned from the mansion two weeks before, and... -Flashback- Kirika wiped the small bit of sweat from her brow as she hurried around the small apartment. Mireille would only be out shopping for a little while longer, and she needed everything to be perfect for when the blonde came back. She'd used the Corsican's computer while she was alone to look up how to set up a romantic dinner. It took all the younger assassin's nerve to even try this, but after all she and Mireille had been through, her feelings for her had evolved. She wanted to show her what she now meant to her, and she wanted to get it right. With checklist in hand, she ran around trying to make everything perfect. Step 1- Romantic lighting is your friend: tapered candles in a darkened mood always set the right tone for the rest of your romantic evening. Kirika looked all over the apartment, and eventually ended up using a large quilt she found in Mireille's bedroom closet. She draped it across the window, darkening the room. Next she looked around for tapered candles. All she was able to find was one citronella candle for keeping away mosquitoes, a birthday candle in the shape of the number two, and a lilac-scented candle in a jar. Shrugging her shoulders, she placed them around the room and lit them. In spite of the rather overpowering scent they gave off, they did give the room a warm look. "There now," she said, smiling happily as she looked back at the checklist she got off the internet. Step 2- A red or purple table cloth will help set the mood; both colors are associated with passion. Kirika thought long and hard about that one. Then she remembered the time the two of them were hired to kill a matador. She ran to a small chest by Mireille's side of the bed and, opening it, pulled out the bull fighter's red cape he'd used in the ring. She then ran back into the living room and draped it over the grand piano, placing the citronella candle on top. She then looked at her handiwork and smiled. "Mmm," she muttered to herself self-satisfactorily. Step 3- Use fine china plates to show that special someone how much she means to you. Kirika looked, but could only find one set of dishes in the apartment. Deciding they would have to do, she placed them on top of the bullfighter's cape, and checked to make sure the dinner she was fixing was coming along well. She wasn't entirely sure what type of food would be considered romantic, but seeing as how the only thing she seemed to remember about cooking was how to make stew and rice, she hoped that would be romantic enough. As the meal was finally ready, she heard the sounds of a key unlocking the door to the apartment, and smiled. Mireille entered her apartment and immediately made a face as the pungent smells of lilacs and citronella assaulted her nose. The room was darkly lit by three candles, and as she looked around trying to figure out what was going on and why a dead matador's cape was draped over the grand piano, Kirika walked in from the kitchen wearing a yellow sundress. "Mireille," she began nervously, "I..." "Ow!" the blonde yelled as she stubbed her toe in the dark room, "Damn it," she growled as she turned on the light switch next to her, "What in the hell's going on in here?" Kirika's face fell, "I... I was trying to..." "Yuck, it stinks in here," Mireille continued to complain as she pulled the quilt down from the window. She then opened the window, blew out the candles, and began to fan the smoke out with a piece of paper she found lying nearby, "Good grief, what on earth were you doing in here? I swear, I leave you alone in the apartment for two hours and..." it was then that something on the paper she was using caught her eye. She brought it up and quickly looked at it. "'How to create a romantic evening,'" she read. She then looked once again around at the apartment. "Oh..." she murmured as she finally understood what Kirika had tried to do. She turned back to her roommate and saw the younger Japanese woman looking away from her. "I'm sorry," the brunette said in a low voice as a tear traveled down one cheek, "It was stupid of me. I just thought that, after the mansion and everything..." Mireille came over to Kirika and took her in her arms. "Kirika," she said softly, "You didn't have to do all this." The younger woman looked up at her with a surprised expression, "I... I didn't?" Mireille smiled as she wiped Kirika's tear away with her index finger, "Of course not. Back when I was approached by my uncle, I killed him instead of you. And when you went to the mansion I came for you, even after I found out you killed my parents. And when we were at the mansion, you killed Chloe instead of me. I even saved you from that pit instead of letting you fall to your death. Now if all that isn't love I don't know what is." Kirika smiled happily back at Mireille as she tentatively leaned forward. The blonde leaned forward as well, closing the gap as their lips came together. After several minutes they broke the kiss, both women looking lovingly at one another as the scent of citronella and lilac continued to whiff out the open living room window. Finally, Kirika's face took on a puzzled look as something occurred to her. "Mireille," she asked, "If we've felt this way about one another all this time, why are we only telling each other now?" "Meh, blame it on the writers," the blonde answered with a shrug, "They thought it would be better to create a sense of ambiguity about us. You know, sort of let the audience fill in the blanks," she added before bringing her lips back to Kirika's... -End Flashback- "And that's the first time we kissed," Kirika said fondly. "Hmm," Mireille nodded with a smile as she reached over to take Kirika's hand in hers, "I remember that, I..." "It was also the first time we made love." "Um... Yes," Mireille said a bit uncomfortably, "Well that's a bit more information than we..." "And the second, and the third," Kirika continued, "Oh, and it was also the first time you set up that trapeze in the bedroom and pulled out that Lil' Bo Peep costume for me to wear, and the first time you wore that leather corset, and..." "YES, THANK YOU KIRIKA, THAT'S ENOUGH!" the blonde yelled, "Right, before we get kicked off the air due to mature content, maybe I should read my fan letter... And before anyone out there says anything, I've taken the precaution of having the mail-girl screen my letters, so no more prank ones are going to get through," she said smugly, "Now then, 'Dear Mireille, does your face hurt?' What? No, why? 'Because it's killing me!' Aaaaargh! And it's signed 'Anita Hoare,' eh? Damn it, these were supposed to be screened!" "Um, Mireille," Kirika muttered. "What in the hell kind of goofballs do we have working in the mailroom anyways? I..." "Mireille, the show," Kirika reminded. "(sigh) Right, the show. Today ladies and gentleman we have a very special show for all of you. A political roundtable that will look at the war in Iraq from a global standpoint," Mireille explained as both she and her co-host stood up and moved over to the side of the stage, where a large table stood with three people already sitting around it. "Now then, over to my right are two retired military officers who actually served in the elite corps known as 'G.I. Joe', Lady Jaye and Scarlet." The two women, wearing civilian clothing, nodded out to the audience who clapped respectfully. Mireille smiled at them, and then turned back to the camera, "And over to my left, sitting next to Kirika, is a gentleman originally from Cuba who I'm told recently moved to Miami, Florida, where he's gone into some sort of business, Mr. Tony Montana," the camera panned over to show Kirika giving an odd look to a man in a white business suit with a briefcase opened before him. "Um, Mr. Montana," Mireille said, "Could you please close your briefcase so we can all see you?" Tony closed the case as he quickly wiped off a conspicuous white substance from underneath his nose, "Oh, sorry magn," he said, "I didn't realize we were on the (bleep)ing air, magn." Mireille winced a bit as she looked back at the camera, "Um... I wish to apologize in advance for Mr. Montana's language. Apparently the part of Cuba he came from didn't teach him very proper etiquette..." "Hey, what the (bleep) you (bleep)ing mean by that, huh?" Tony asked as he sat back in his chair. "Not to worry though; we promise to try and edit out any foul language during this discussion. Now then," Mireille said with a smile, "The topic on hand is the war in Iraq and how it's strained international relations, particularly between the US and France. Before we go any further though, exactly why did you two retire from G.I. Joe?" "Well," Lady Jaye began, her short brunette hair framing her attractive face as she spoke, "After the whole fiasco with finding Cobra-La and discovering Cobra Commander was actually a giant snake, I decided that was enough craziness for me. Besides, my relationship with one of my fellow officers, Flint, was somewhat on the rocks, and before I'd entered the military I was thinking of being an actress anyways." "That," Scarlet added, her long red hair pulled back in a ponytail, "And those morons out at the Pentagon actually decided to promote Big Lobe to C.O. status." "I see..." Mireille said thoughtfully, "Getting back on topic, as a French woman I'm intrigued by some of the resentment in the US against the French at the moment. Such as boycotting French wines, calling French fries 'freedom fries'..." "And don't forget the anti-French jokes," Scarlet put in. "Anti-French jokes?" Mireille asked as she cocked her head to the side. "Sure," the redhead answered, "You know, like, 'How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows; it's never been attempted before.'" Mireille gave the former Joe a dirty look, "I see," she hissed, "You know, we also have anti-American jokes. Like 'What do you call someone who can speak two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks only one language? American.'" Now it was Scarlet's turn to look angry, "Oh really... 'Why does the US need the French on their side in the war in Iraq? So the French can show the Iraqis how to surrender.'" "'Did you hear about the two US soldiers who...'" "Ladies, ladies, please," Lady Jaye interrupted, "This isn't the way to carry on. I think if you'll both take a step back and look at things more civilly you'll see that insults aren't going to help resolve anything. Don't you agree Kirika?" "Huh? Oh, mmm." "Mmm?" Scarlet asked, "Does that mean yes or no?" "I'm assuming it means yes," Lady Jaye answered as she looked at Kirika once again, "Right?" "Mmm." "Mr. Montana," Mireille began as she turned to her left, "You've been strangely quiet over there. As a Cuban American, what's your take on the war in Iraq, President Bush's foreign policy decisions, and the political..." "Okay, magn," Tony interrupted, "I tell you one time magn, one time! I love the (bleep)ing US of (bleep)ing A, magn. But those (bleep)ing filthy cockroaches, those (bleep) (bleep) politicians magn, and those bankers magn, they (bleep)ing..." "Holy cow!" Scarlet exclaimed, "Do you have turret's syndrome or something?" "(bleep) you, you want a (bleep)ing piece of me, you..." "(sniff) (sniff) Mireille?" Kirika asked, "Do you smell smoke." "Yeah, I do," the blonde answered, "I think it's coming from the machine that's used to bleep out Tony Montana's foul language. It was never designed to edit out this level of cursing." "Kirika?" Lady Jaye asked, "You've been mostly silent during all this. What's your impression of George W. Bush?" "I'm sorry," Kirika said regretfully, "But I don't do impressions." "Time and time again your President Bush has said that you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq," Mireille said, trying desperately to keep the show on topic, "And it seems like time and again he's lied." "Now that's not fair," Scarlet countered, "Yes our president has had setbacks, but..." "(SNORT)" The four women at the table turned to Tony, who once again had his briefcase opened. "Mr. Montana!" Mireille growled out angrily, "If you're doing what I THINK you're doing..." Tony closed the briefcase, his upper lip and the tip of his nose once again coated in the same mysterious white powdery substance as before, "Hey, listen here you (bleep)ing Corsican cockroach!" he yelled as he stumbled to his feet, "You don't know who I is, do you?" he asked as he pointed at himself, "I'm the (bleep) ing American dream, magn, I..." "Why do you keep calling the host 'magn'?" Lady Jaye asked, "She's a lady; show a bit of respect." "Right," Scarlet added, "And while you're at it, you might want to think about bathing once in a while." Kirika looked from the two former members of G.I. Joe to Mireille, who had an agitated look on her face, "Mireille, what is it? What's wrong?" "My bat," the blonde answered anxiously as she looked around, "I can't find my baseball bat!" "You want to (bleep)ing insult me, you (bleep)ing filthy cockroaches? Do you?" he yelled as he pulled out a large semi-automatic from his jacket, "Say hello to my little friend!" "Holy (bleep)!" Scarlet exclaimed as she grabbed Lady Jaye's arm and yanked her under the desk. Mireille likewise grabbed Kirika and dove for cover under the round table. "Just great," Mireille griped as Tony jumped on top of the table, "I'm stuck under a desk while a coke-crazed maniac has taken over my show." "What do you know," Scarlet quipped, "At the first sight of a gun, the French once again cower." "Why you..." "Ladies," Lady Jaye said as the sound of gunfire was heard above them, "We're all cowering in fear at the moment, so knock it off!" Scarlet sighed, "You're right Jaye," she said reluctantly. She then turned to Mireille and held out a hand, "I'm sorry. Friends?" Mireille smiled as she took the offered hand, "Friends," she answered. "You see," Lady Jaye said, "The Americans and the French CAN get along when it really counts." "Mmm," Kirika added. Scarlet looked from the young Japanese woman to Mireille, "Okay, seriously, I don't get it. What in the hell does 'Mmm' mean?" "Hey you (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep) cockroaches (bleep)ers, magn! Come out here, you (bleep)s want a piece of me? Do you? I'll (bleep) (bleep)..." "We have more pressing problems," Lady Jaye said, "Like how we're going to get out of this alive." "Damn it, where's my baseball bat?" Mireille growled as the camera panned from the group of four women huddled under the table to the backstage area where the mail-girl in the Groucho glasses was holding the bat behind her back as she whistled innocently. The camera then panned back over to the set. "How you (bleep)ing like me now you (bleep)ing cockroaches?" Tony screamed as he shot more rounds into the air. "Okay, look," Mireille said, "We are not just a bunch of helpless women here. We are two former elite US military officers and two former assassins..." "Mmm," Kirika put in. "Like she said, 'Mmm,'" Scarlet affirmed, adding, "We need a plan." "Kirika," Mireille said hopefully, "You have an uncanny gift of being able to make a weapon out of practically anything..." "Mmm," Kirika answered, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Some teacher in the US learned about that gift of mine and said he was interested in learning more about me and my talent." "A teacher in the US?" Lady Jaye asked. "Mmm," Kirika nodded, "His name's Professor Xavier, and..." "Later hon," Mireille interrupted, "Is there anything you can think of right now to get us the hell out of this?" Kirika looked around from under the table, and spotted one of the stage lights near the table, "Mmm," she said as she suddenly ran out from underneath the table to try to reach the light. Before she could though, a bullet hit the floor directly in front of her, stopping her in her tracks. She turned around and looked into Tony's crazed eyes. "That's (bleep)ing it!" he yelled, "I'm going to (bleep)ing blow your (bleep)ing brains all over this studio," he said as he aimed his gun at her, "I'm..." his voice died off as all the lights in the studio suddenly went off. -BANG!- "AAAAA!" The lights then came back on. Kirika was unharmed, but Tony Montana was now lying face down on the table with fifty razor-sharp knives in his back. Slowly, a blonde head peeped out from under the table. "I think she got him," Mireille said as she and the others stood up. They walked over to Kirika, who was currently being looked after by the mail-girl. "Don't worry," the mysterious young woman in the green cloak said as she pushed her Groucho glasses back up the bridge of her nose, "Tony won't hurt you..." "Kirika!" Mireille exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around the younger woman, "You did it, you..." "No," Kirika answered as she shook her head, "I didn't kill Tony. I don't know who did." "Really, but... Hey!" the blonde said as she noticed the mail-girl, "You're not supposed to be on set during taping. And you failed to screen an insulting letter I received earlier." "Are all your shows like this?" Lady Jaye asked Kirika. "Mmm." The brunette answered. "Again with the 'Mmm'," Scarlet groaned as she clutched the sides of her head, "You're making my head hurt." "Well, so much for a political round table discussion," Mireille said as she rolled her eyes, "Oh well. Tune in next time when our guests will be Vampire Hunter D, Speed Racer, and that evil sorcerer and enemy of Smurfs everywhere, Gargamel. Till then, bye." -To Be Continued- End Notes- Linna, Sylia, Nene, Priss and the Silky Doll all come from Bubblegum Crisis 2040, Scarlet and Lady Jaye are from G.I. Joe (I went with the cartoon version because I'm more familiar with it than the comic book one), Tony Montana is from the film Scarface, and of course the Professor Xavier that Kirika makes reference to is Professor X of the X Men.
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