Warning: Like I stated before, I wrote this story to cheer myself up after reading one too many angst-filled, tear-jerker Sailor Moon stories. This is not Masterpiece Theater; it is an incredibly silly story, more along the lines of a Mad Magazine spoof than anything else. Enjoy. ------ Getting the distress call, the Inners arrived in the backyard to find the Outers staring angrily at two young boys. "We're here!" Sailor Moon announced, "Where's the youma?" "There was no youma." Sailor Neptune announced, "Just an idiot with a sugar high." "Hey Bevis." Butthead said to his friend, who had returned to normal now that the sugar high had now gone, "Look, more chicks!" "Yeah, he he, you can see their panties! He he." "Uh... It's high noon on my sun dial. Huh huh. Usagi, who was horrible at English, was mercifully spared having to deal with the submoronic comments. The others, especially the Outer Senshi and Sailor Mercury, turned red faced from a combination of anger and embarrassment. "We aren't 'chicks'!" Sailor Uranus scowled, "This is Sailor Moon, that's Sailor Mars, I'm Sailor Uranus, and she's..." Uh... Sailor who?" Butthead asked with a raised eyebrow. "Sailor Uranus, you stupid..." she was cut off by the idiotic laughter of the two boys in front of her. "Huh huh, she said 'your anus.'" "He he, yeah, yeah, 'your anus!'" Unable to take any more, Uranus lunged for the two boys in front of her. Sailor Jupiter managed to tackle her to the ground just in time. "Uh, she's pissed." Butthead said, pointing at the angry Senshi of the Wind. "Yeah, he he. She's pissed 'cause she has the smallest boobs, he he." Just then, an object flew downward and landed at Butthead's feet. It was a rose. Looking up, the two Americans saw a man in a tuxedo and cape with a cane in his hand, a mask covering his eyes. He looked at them sternly as he began to speak. "To be invited to be a guest in someone else's home is an honor and a privilege, but you two have taken advantage of that by... What the... What are you two laughing at?" "Uh... Huh huh huh." "Shut up, I'm not done yet you..." "He he, hey Butthead look, it's Zorro." "That's not Zorro you dumbass. Can't you see his cane? Huh huh, that dude's a pimp." "WHAT?" Mamoru asked in shock. "He he, oh yeah, he he. Pimp my ride, he he. He's gonna lay the smackdown on his bitches." "Yeah, huh huh. His bitches better have his money." "Ummm, if it's okay, could you pimp smack the blond with the small boobies first?" "Yeah, huh huh, go Ike Turner on her and teach her some manners." "I'm not a pimp, you baka yaro (stupid idiots)! I'm Tuxedo Kamen!" Mamoru yelled out angrily, "And those aren't my 'bitches,' they're the Sailor Senshi!" "The what? He he..." Bevis asked. "The Sailor Senshi!" Mamoru said, repeating himself. "Uh... gesumtight." Butthead said. At that point, it took the combined efforts of Sailors Jupiter, Pluto, Mars and Venus to keep Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Uranus from tearing the two Americans apart with their bare hands. Eventually, Sailor Venus was forced to resort to the "Love Me Chain" to restrain her friends. Sailor Moon then stepped forward. "Okay, guys, let's go out to our usual hangout for a bit to calm down before we do anything rash. The four of you," she said, looking sadly at her friends in the Outer Senshi, "look like you could use a break." The outers all nodded. The stress of dealing with the two Americans was slowly driving them nuts. Sailor Pluto walked over to the two troublemakers. "We're leaving now." she began. "But if we hear of you causing any more trouble for the ladies living at this house, well be back. Now stay here, and don't touch anything." she finished in a low, threatening voice. "Do you understand?" "Uh..." "I didn't ask about 'uh,' I asked if you understood me." "Uh..." "Good enough." she said. Then, as Bevis and Butthead watched on, she and the others leapt into the skies, bouncing from one roof to the next. Butthead turned to Bevis. "This sucks." he exclaimed. "Yeah, it's like, there are no ninjas or samurais, they don't have nachos, and we're still not scoring." Suddenly, deep within the recesses of his otherwise empty head, an idea popped into Butthead's brain. "Uh, hey Bevis. Like, if we did something good, maybe then those chicks will like us." "Yeah, he he, then we could score!" "Yeah, huh huh. Then that angry chick that likes to straddle will come for some sweet loving from Big Daddy Butthead. Huh huh." "He he, yeah, me to. He he. That'd be cool." "No way fart knocker, I saw her first. You get the chick that looks like Crystal Gayle. Huh huh." And so, with the hopes of "scoring" as an impetus, our two intrepid heroes snuck into the house to find things to do to impress the "chicks" they wanted to bang. ---Meanwhile--- "Ami," Haruka said, suddenly feeling very guilty about her earlier harsh words, "Please, Michiru and I are sorry. We know it wasn't your fault." Ami wouldn't answer. When they'd arrived at the mall, Haruka and Michiru had unloaded all their anger and frustration at the younger Senshi for suggesting the idea of taking in a foreign exchange student. And now she was kneeling on the ground in front of them, her forehead against the floor tiles in the supreme act of self-humiliation known as the dogenza. "Gomen." she said again sorrowfully, "Gomen." Michiru and Haruka both knelt down and put their arms around her. "It's okay." Michiru said, ignoring the crowd now gathering around them and the others. Most of the crowd backed away when Makoto stood up to her full height and gave them warning looks. "Come on, please get up." Haruka said, "We'll go and get some ice cream, my treat." Ami looked up, a slight smile on her face, "Now you're confusing me with Usagi." she joked. "Hey!" Usagi playfully yelled as the three friends on the floor hugged. Michiru stood up. "Right." The violinist said, "We'll all have some ice cream, and then we'll go to the airport and get one-way plane tickets back to America." "Yeah," Haruka added, suddenly starting to shake a bit, "And then we can get rid of Bevis and B-B-B-Butthead for good. Uuuh..." ---Back At The House--- Our two favorite gaijin were busy finding things to do around the house. So far they'd managed to help Michiru finish a landscape, tried to put Michiru's Stradivarius back together using some wires they'd found in an old piano in the living room, and clean up a bunch of now broken lamps in Hotaru's room. Going into the bathroom, they saw that one of the shampoo bottles was nearly empty, and looked around for something to fill it with so their hosts wouldn't have to buy more. "Hey Butthead, what about this stuff?" Beavis asked, passing a small bottle over to Butthead. "Uh... N-A- uh... Okay, huh huh..." he said, as he poured the liquid into the shampoo bottle. Satisfied at a job well done, the two quickly left the house and waited in the backyard for the chicks to get back home. ---One Hour Later--- The nine Senshi arrived back at the house, relieved to find the two baka still in the backyard. Setsuna excused herself to go take a shower as Hotaru had inadvertently spilled some of her ice cream sundae on her blouse and some of her hair. Setsuna took great pride in her appearance, especially in the lush growth of hair that reached down to her legs. She was as stressed out and miserable as the rest of her friends, but she found the simple act of organizing her shampoos, conditioners and other hair products helped her to relax and forget a bit about the past twenty-four hours. Meanwhile, Usagi and her Mamoru, along with the other Inners, had decided to have a little talk with the two Americans. Before any of them could say a word, however, three loud, angry screams came from within the house. Haruka was the first out the door, determined to murder the two idiots for ripping apart the inside of her grand piano. Michiru was next, her fists clenched and her teeth gritted as she saw the two jerks who'd painted a crude stick figure of a girl with big boobs being shot at by airplanes on her landscape. Finally, Hotaru stalked out, looking for the gaijin who demolished her lamps. The inners were getting ready to defend the two dumbasses behind them from almost certain doom, when a fourth loud cry was heard. A cry loud enough to stop everyone else in their tracks. The door to the backyard swung out hard enough to fly off its hinges as a very angry, very wet Setsuna-mama stalked out. A collective gasp of horror and shock escaped the other Senshi as they caught sight of their fellow hero, her blue bathrobe clinging to her still wet body. "Which one of you fucking idiots put Nair in my Herbal Essence shampoo?" she roared at the Americans. "Uh... Nair? Uh... Huh huh, you look like Kojak." Butthead said as he pointed at the now bald Senshi of Time. Both he and Bevis were now laughing uncontrollably. "Yeah, yeah, he he, 'Who loves ya, baby?' He he..." Bevis was cut off as both he and Butthead were picked up off the ground by Setsuna, who had her hands tightly wrapped around their necks. Both the Inner and Outer Senshi slowly began to back away. "Aaah! Let go ass wipe!" Bevis yelled as he struggled in her grip. "Yeah." Butthead put in. "Don't make me have to kick your ass!" "Hotaru." Setsuna snarled as the sun shone off her bare head, "Cover your ears and close your eyes." Hotaru immediately complied. Even with her hands covering her ears, however, the sounds of the beatdown her enraged Setsuna-mama was giving the two idiots from America was loud enough for her to hear practically every hit, as well as every dirty word in the Japanese language. ---Two Days Later--- "Uh... This sucks..." Butthead moaned from within his full body cast as he and his wheelchair were being wheeled onto the plane bound back to the States. "Yeah, he he." Bevis agreed from his own wheelchair, looking ahead of him through two black eyes, "It's like, we didn't score, and we ended up getting our asses kicked by that bald chick in the bathrobe." "Yeah, huh huh, and we never got to see any Samurais, huh huh." ---Meanwhile--- Haruka removed the wheel from her Formula-1 car and hopped out. As she was heading for the showers, she overheard two of her mechanics. "Wow, so you and your family hosted a foreign exchange student?" "Sure did. Best thing we ever did, too! I tell you, learning about our different cultures, sharing our..." -WHACK- The one mechanic watched in stunned silence as their best racer, Tenoh Haruka, knocked his buddy out with a single punch, then headed for the showers. "Wonder what that was all about." he murmured. ---The End---
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