Story: For What It's Worth (chapter 2)

Authors: keilanch

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Chapter 2

Title: Part two: Jan

[Author's notes:

Author’s Notes: Here’s the second part and now, I bring you…Jan.

]

Part Two: Jan


The hardest thing about pretending to be strong is knowing that you’re not.

Among the four of us, I’m probably the one who cries the most but looks the least like it. There are moments when I’m alone, oftentimes when I’m in my room at night, and I just feel the tears fall. I don’t sob anymore. I just cry quietly and it’s already something that I’ve accepted as a part of my life.

In the beginning, I always tried to keep the tears at bay. I remember telling myself over and over that I should be stronger, that I should be able to keep it all in, that I should get past the stupidity of my emotions and not be bound by them.

Eventually, I gave in. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It just happened.

It happened when I saw Perrie breaking down for the first time.

At first, I hated the girl who broke Perrie’s heart. Perrie didn’t deserve to be treated that way, to be cheated on when all she did was make herself vulnerable by falling deeper and deeper everyday. I was consoling Perrie on the outside, but I was seething on the inside. It took awhile before her desperate, heartrending cries stopped, but when they finally did, that was the time I felt myself starting to hate Perrie.

That was also when the seemingly endless flow of tears came.

I remember thinking how much I hated Perrie for being so blind. She couldn’t see what was right in front of her. She could have had so much more. She didn’t deserve that lying, cheating bitch, and yet, there she was, following around like the clichéd image of a love-sick puppy. As silly as it sounds, I hated Perrie for getting her heart broken because she really, really didn’t deserve that.

And then, after I got past the feeling of aversion towards Perrie – which really didn’t last very long – I remember hating myself. I hated myself for loving Perrie, for being in love with the naïve, unaware, smart, charming, gorgeous girl who also happens to be one of my closest friends.

I remember thinking there must be something really wrong with me if Perrie couldn’t see me as anything but just a friend, because I sure as hell didn’t hide my attraction well. The fact that I came out two weeks after she did should have clued her in. But no. She remained blissfully unaware, and she still does to this day. When I flirt with her, she flirts back and she doesn’t even know it. It’s irritating, really. Frustrating as hell too.

I don’t hate myself any more, or wonder if something’s wrong with me. I’ve done all I can short of telling her that I’ve been in love with her for the longest time, and Perrie still doesn’t get it. I know for sure, I’m not going to confess my feelings for her. She’s probably going to freak just because she’s, well, Perrie.

I know I won’t be able to take the unease that will come with her trying to figure out how to let me down easily. And knowing Perrie, she’s going to say all the wrong things because she’s trying so hard to say the right things. Eventually, it will end up being very awkward between us, and I don’t want to risk losing the kind of friendship that I already have with her now.

So, I settle. Compromise.

It just gets so hard sometimes. It’s especially more difficult when Perrie starts seeing someone, only to end up the same way – either she gets cheated on, or the other girl loses interest. Ironic that Perrie’s whole first name is Aphrodite and yet, she’s one of the most ignorant when it comes to choosing the right person to date. But now that I think of it, the Greek goddess Aphrodite wasn’t any wiser either, so I guess what Perrie does is actually live up to her namesake.

Honestly, she’s one of the smartest people I know, but she just can’t seem to find anyone half-decent to date. If her skills on character analysis are even a little bit as good as her superior IQ, then I might be able to let her go, knowing I’m leaving her in good hands or whatever.

Or maybe, I’m deluding myself again because… letting her go? God knows I’ve tried.

I definitely can’t understand how all those girls just leave her like that. I’ve struggled to get out of the choke hold that my emotions for her have me in, but I just can’t. I tried looking for someone else to distract me, but every time I see someone interesting – or finds me interesting – Perrie always comes into view sooner or later and I’m gone again.

Besides, I don’t think it’s fair to use someone just because I can’t stop loving one of my best friends. I don’t want to be that kind of girl. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

So, I suck it all in. Again, with the compromise. As long as I get to be with Perrie, even just in the platonic sense, I think I’ll survive.

At least there’s Claire.

Who knows. Everything.

At least there’s Claire who listens when I can’t do anything but let it out. When I’m weak and depressed and just plain emotional – all because of Perrie and her lack of awareness – there’s Claire to fall back on.

I don’t know what I would do without her.

If Perrie is my Achilles heel, Claire is my rock.

Like that time I first released all my pent-up hidden feelings through sobs, telling Claire was never part of the plan – or some semblance of a plan I initially had to keep it all to myself and not get anyone involved in my internal drama.

Claire finding out…that was never supposed to happen. But it did.

She was the one who found me, actually. Breaking down the same way Perrie broke down in my arms. And there and then, I knew. I knew I had no other choice but to tell her.

To let her in. To let her know.

And now, we both hold the key to my secret.

I’m grateful that she understands. Claire is always there when Perrie’s being a fool again and I’m hurting because for the life of me, I can’t figure out why the person I’m in love with just can’t be the fool I want her to be. A fool for me the same way I’m a fool for her.

Fool for her. I’ll laugh at anyone who says that to my face. It’s cheesy and corny and anyone who has ever had an encounter with me knows I don’t do cheesy or corny or anything even remotely connected to those two things. That’s the image I portray. The tough, artistic chick who won’t take crap from no one.

But inside, I know I’m just the pining girl who needs Claire to keep her sane. To keep me sane.

I let out an audible sigh and I realize that the tears have stopped leaking out. That maybe, my nightly dosage of silent weeping is done. Maybe, I can finally end this frustrating day in slumber and wake up to another morning. Another frustrating day of hoping that possibly, it’s going to be the day.

The day Aphrodite notices me.

(Tbc)

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