Chapter Two: Hiding In The Shadows
There you are again and I know you still don’t see me. It hurts to know that I don’t exist in your world when my world revolves around you. Every night I dream of you and when I wake up, you’re the first thing that enters my head.
Thoughts of you have consumed my life and I drown in you.
But then moments like these happen, when I see you smile, and everything suddenly becomes alright.
You have the most beautiful smile.
Has anyone ever told you that?
You have that thing where your eyes close while you smile and it’s the most adorable thing in the world. It’s sweet and honest.
It’s just so you.
I want to be a part of your life.
I crave to be a part of your life.
But I have surrendered to the knowledge that I will never be a part of your life.
Because I don’t exist in your world the same way that my world revolves around you.
I look away. I can’t bear to see you smile at him as he carries your bag for you.
I’ve heard people talking about how much he is in love with you, but you don’t like him that same way. And yet you let him walk you to class and carry your bag and hold your hand because you’re just the kindest person in the world.
I’m relieved that you don’t like him like that but I’m also scared at the same time. That maybe when you finally notice how persistent he is to catch your attention, you’ll finally give him the chance. Then later on, you’ll fall for him.
And then the next time around, I’ll see you smile at him. And your smile won’t be the friendly smile you give him now, but one of love.
It shatters my heart.
You’re shattering my heart into bits and pieces.
But you don’t even know it.
You don’t even know me.
You walk away and I see you laugh at whatever he’s telling you as he puts his arm around your shoulders.
I try to keep the tears at bay.
You don’t look at him the way he looks at you yet you still laugh at his stories and jokes. You give him that gift of hearing your laughter and seeing your smile without hiding in the shadows.
Hiding in the shadows the way I do.
I want to be the one that makes you laugh. I want to be the one you smile at.
But I can’t be that.
In the first place, I’m not even your friend.
And for you, I don’t exist.
I am nothing in your life.
I will never be anything in your life.
It hurts that you don’t even know me and you probably never will.