Her fingers brushed the piano keys. It was nearing the end of her lesson, but Lyn just couldn’t concentrate on her scherzo. The kiss Shari had planted on her forehead kept interfering with her concentration. She glanced at the clock for the fifth time that hour. She still had thirty minutes until six.
“Lyn.” Her professor sighed and tapped her on the shoulder. “Something troubles you. You are usually quite focused for lessons.”
She nodded, ashamed. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t focus on her piece, and the notes tumbled together in a mess of sound. She had practiced the scherzo for weeks now, and she knew she could play it flawlessly, but today her fingers just wouldn’t cooperate.
He pulled his chair closer to her bench and leaned forward, his hands between his legs. “You know this piece. Both you and I know this. You played it flawlessly just last Friday.” His clear green eyes bored into her own, and she felt like he could see past her silence to the turmoil that ravaged her soul. “The concert is a week from today. You need to keep practicing. Whatever troubles you is hindering this.”
Lyn nodded silently and focused on his black boots that were half hidden by his brown khakis. Each of her classes had gone badly. She couldn’t focus on the lecture, and in the discussion just before this lesson, she had spent the majority of it staring out the window. Now here she sat unable to play a song she knew by heart. She didn’t even need the music sheets anymore, and both her and the professor knew this.
With a sigh, he rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. His graying brown hair hung over his ears and a few strands fell against his long, crooked nose. “How about we cut this short, but on one condition.” He dropped his hand onto his knee and leaned toward her with a frown. “You must seek help for whatever distracts you so that it no longer hinders you as it has today. Deal?” He held out his hand.
She stared at it and wondered if that was possible. Shari was distracting her. The phone call that loomed over her head distracted her. The idea of playing anything in front of an audience, no matter how good her professor said she was, distracted her. Wasn’t this apart of her promise as well? She couldn’t hide in the shadows; Bart had asked her to at least try to reach out to others. To give herself a chance to heal, and his suggestion was digging deeper into the world of music. The professor was giving her a chance with this concert. She straightened and shook his hand, determined to at least try.
“Good.” He smiled and patted her on the shoulder. “You have talent, Lyn. Don’t let it go to waste. Keep practicing. Continue writing music. And if you ever need any help, you can talk with me. If needed, I can refer you to others that can help you deal with whatever troubles you as well.”
Lyn smiled shyly. “Thank you,” she whispered. She stood and grabbed her backpack. “Tomorrow.”
Her professor smiled wanly. “Yes, see you in class tomorrow.” She nodded in response and hurried out of his office. As the door shut behind her, she trembled and pulled her backpack straps over her shoulders. It was time to head home to Shari and Rumi. The idea excited and scared her all at once.
By the time she exited the music building, the sun was low on the horizon. Lyn slid her hands into her pockets and walked quickly through the bustling sidewalks. The crowds between classes had thinned as the day crept forward, but the amount of students always surprised her. After a year and a half in the program and then part of a year at the small college, she had adjusted to seeing the same people again and again between classes. It had disturbed her greatly, for it felt like all of them were spying on her, waiting for her to mess up. Here at the university she had anonymity for it was rare to see the same person twice during her walks, and she liked this much better than the endless scrutiny at the smaller college. Another reason she didn’t want to jeopardize her time here.
“Hey, Lyn!”
Startled from her thoughts, Lyn slid to a stop and turned to see Ana, the girl from her music classes running toward her. She slid to a stop, breathless in front of Lyn. Leaning forward, she planted her palms against her dark blue jeans, her jacket tightly zipped and bunching around her waist. On her back, her black backpack hung loosely, one zipper not quite zipped all the way, the edge of a book poked out of the opening. “Hey, you walk too fast. Didn’t you hear me calling?”
Lyn shook her head. She must have been too involved with her thoughts.
“That’s alright.” Ana smiled and brushed a lock of her light brown hair out of her hazel eyes. “Just wondering. Are you going to Wednesday’s service?”
“I guess.” It wasn’t as if she had a choice in the matter. She had to go in order to honor her promise. The program expected her to go to the services as often as possible in order to stay focused on Jesus. She went as ordered, but many a time she wasn’t able to focus on anything other than the poor musicianship.
“Cool.” Ana started to walk, and Lyn automatically fell in step with her. “I’m thinking about starting a bible study. You interested at all?”
“Em.” Bart would be delighted if she joined a bible study. He would see it as her making friends here, and it probably would be more helpful than the services. There wouldn’t be that noisy band to distract her. “I guess so.”
“You guess?” Ana sighed. “Lyn, you’re never excited for anything. I have yet to see you smile too, and we’ve known each other for how long? Four months?”
“Three.”
“Whatever. I don’t even see you smile at the services. Sometimes you look even pained. Is the music really that bad?”
Lyn wasn’t sure how to answer the question without hurting the woman’s feelings. “Em… I guess.”
“You guess this, guess that.” Ana stopped and faced Lyn with her hands on her hips. “How do you really feel? Honestly?”
The blunt question startled her, and Lyn awkwardly looked at her feet. “Em. I don’t know.” She slid her hands into her pockets and hunched her shoulders. “Don’t like the band. More noisy than musical.”
“Who? The band?”
“Yes.” Lyn squeezed her hands into fists and wished Ana would just leave her alone. “They play to be loud. Not to play music. The bass guitar is always out of tune, the drummer off the beat for most of the song, and the singer warbles too much. It’s not a performance. It’s a worship service – the singer isn’t supposed to perform. Just lead the audience.”
Ana’s eyes widened and a smile pierced her face. “Wow. That’s the most I’ve heard you say in one sitting!” A blush trickled through Lyn’s face. “Hey, don’t look abashed. I sort of agree with you on that. The band is pretty awful, but at least they’re trying, you know? That’s something.”
Lyn shrugged. For her, there was no point to the band if they didn’t give it their best, and she knew they weren’t. If they had, at the very least their instruments would be in tune.
“Would you smile if the band was in tune, on the beat, and leading the audience properly?”
“Maybe.”
Ana laughed. “I thought as much. It’s cool, really, how dedicated and music oriented you are. I wish I was more like that. I try hard, but I can’t quite hear the details of a song like you can. And that’s pretty cool.”
Lyn blushed again. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Ana jerked her thumb at the stoplight. “You headed to the dorms?”
She shook her head. “Apartments.”
“Oh.” Ana frowned. “That reminds me. I saw you with Shari Kvard today. You friends with her?”
Lyn nodded.
“Don’t get too involved with her. You know what the pastor said last Wednesday – sometimes friends can lead us into temptation. And she has been known to party.”
“Party?” Lyn felt bewildered by the accusations. “How do you know this?”
“My roommate saw her at the bars a few times last semester. That’s all.” Ana shrugged. “One of them a gay bar.”
Lyn had no idea what to say to this. She simply frowned and clenched her fists tighter. Was Ana telling the truth? She barely knew the girl. They had only a few music classes together, and occasionally saw each other at the services. Sometimes Ana had invited Lyn to sit with her.
“Well, I need to head back, so I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” Ana smiled and waved as she turned to cross the street. Lyn watched her cross and wondered if Ana was a spy from the program or if she truly wanted to be her friend and was just concerned. Lyn didn’t know, and it troubled her greatly.