Shari leaned her crutches against the wall and settled her injured foot on a chair. Leaning back against the wall, she grinned at Lyn, who sat at the piano. “You know, this is a wonderful idea. What are you going to play?”
Lyn shrugged. She never really knew. Once she started her exercises and worked a bit on her assigned songs, she let her imagination fly and her fingers take her where they would. Though with Shari here, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to do that. When she practiced at the dorms in the program, she could only let her imagination go when she was completely alone. If anyone entered the room to listen, she balked and some old song she had long ago memorized would trickle from her fingers.
Today was different. She felt electrified with Shari in the same room with her. All through class she had struggled to keep her eyes focused on the lectern and the PowerPoint presentation, but despite her tight control, she kept glancing at Shari’s lean form. Her tight, boot-cut jeans and her loose T-shirt, which barely hid her breasts. The way her hair was parted to one side and pooled at the base of her graceful neck, her aquiline nose, full lips, and her clear blue eyes which seemed to take in everything. Lyn knew she was smitten, and she knew this was against the rules, but at the moment, she didn’t want to let go of the blissful feeling it gave her. It had been a long time since she felt even remotely happy.
“Don’t know?”
Lyn smiled shyly. It was nice how Shari carried on the conversation despite her lack of answer. “Em. Exercises… to warm up.” She positioned her fingers on the keys and ran through the first set of her exercises, but her fingers were jittery. No, this wasn’t going to work. Exercises constrained her too much. Her emotions were brimming, and she needed an outlet desperately. She couldn’t release them through speech, nor through action, for she was afraid she might try to kiss Shari’s full lips, and that definitely would ruin everything she had worked so hard to attain. No, it had to be released through music before it ate away her insides and drove her crazy.
Fingers danced across the keys as she leaned forward unleashing the rising tide of emotion. She closed her eyes and pounded out her heartache and pain into the depths of her melodies, the harmony rising in sharp counterpoint. As the notes clashed, the chords turned minor, her fear and frustration crept into the ringing tones. Each moment when she hid in her shell and lost a friend flashed into the rising tide of arpeggios. Each time she fell silent for weeks because of the pain in her heart became too much to bear fought against the major chords that kept appearing like a bastion of hope amongst the pain and despair that had ruled her life for so long.
A shiver passed through her body, and her fingers abruptly stilled. The sudden silence was almost deafening and she rubbed her ears. Her cheeks felt wet, and when she shakily touched them, she realized she had been crying. Arms suddenly encircled her, and there was Shari, who had silently listened to her musical rampage, yet still had said nothing in response to her sudden outpouring of emotions. The sudden touch startled Lyn, but at the same time broke through her carefully built wall, and she felt the sobs shaking her body. Her eyes closed and she leaned into Shari’s warm body, her face buried in the woman’s shoulder. Shari’s hand gently stroked Lyn’s mass of curls, her cheek against the top of Lyn’s head.
“I’m sorry,” Lyn whispered. She shivered and pulled away. Although she yearned to wrap her arms around Shari and not let go, she knew that she couldn’t. Already this had gone far enough. Wasn’t she supposed to be healing here? Here she was next to a beautiful woman, whom she was powerfully attracted to, and yet she wasn’t abiding by the rules. She was falling into temptation. “I… I don’t know what came over me.”
Shari’s fingers brushed against Lyn’s cheek. Lyn froze and stared into Shari’s blue eyes. “It’s alright.” It seemed as if she said it more to reassure Lyn than to respond to the apology. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I feel honored.”
“Em. Welcome.” Lyn looked down at her hands, tightly clenched into fists in her lap. Shari’s hand dropped to Lyn’s knee, and the touch not only warmed Lyn, but troubled her greatly. They had just met, and here she was already physical and yearning to kiss her. Wasn’t this why she was sent to the program in the first place? To cleanse herself from these attractions? To be healed? She had gone through the program, graduated from it, and now was on her own, only monitored through phone call and an occasional visit, and already she was falling astray? She had carefully prayed, read the scriptures, even attended that loud service at the Church down the street with the band that had its bass turned too high and the singers off-key. Just as they taught her, but it only pushed her further from her faith, and tore apart her heart. This moment with Shari had felt like sunlight after years of rain, but already the clouds were returning, for this was wrong. How many times had they drilled that into her? This was wrong; God didn’t make us this way. They had sprouted that over and over again, along with the usual, God loves you sappy platitudes. It had only been two days and already she had fallen hard for Shari. A part of her was terrified to discover what her friend may think, especially after her barrage of emotions that tore through her attempt to practice piano. The other part desperately wished to hold onto Shari, for when she was with her, she felt almost happy.
“Hey, Lyn.” Shari’s hands wrapped around her own, which snapped Lyn’s awareness back into the moment. “Are you alright?”
“Em.” What could she say? Silence had been her ally before, it seemed best to fall back on it now. She shrugged and forced a trembling smile. Maybe if she played some caprices, her sudden conflicted feelings would dissipate. Yet she found that she didn’t want to remove her hands from the warmth of Shari’s.
“You know, when I first saw you, I figured you had a story to tell. Something that might be a bit dark too.” Shari paused, but Lyn didn’t dare trust herself to reply. “You have this look. Look of steel I thought. Like nothing bothered you. Yet. Your eyes. They hold great sorrow.” She let out a strangled laugh. “Here I am sounding all poetic now. Okay, how about we quit and grab a bite to eat?”
Relief flooded Lyn’s veins. Anything to escape the emotions that the piano had unleashed. She nodded and reluctantly slid her hands free.
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