Lyn woke the next morning to find Shari next to her yet again. Shari had just slept in her clothes from the day before, and she lay curled up on the other side of the bed. Lyn sat up and just watched Shari, who lay on her side, half under the covers. True to her word, Shari did not touch her again the rest of the evening and had stayed on her side of the bed at night. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she had initiated all of the kissing, and that Shari had only responded to her touch. She looked down at her hands in wonderment and confusion. She started yesterday in fear, and then Shari somehow managed to draw her out of that fear. She slid out of bed, and glanced at the calender she had hanging next to her window. It was Wednesday, but it was six in the morning. Her class wasn't until nine. She still had a few hours.
She sat down at her desk, and almost immediately, Rumi jumped into her lap. She smiled and gently stroked his fur. It amazed her how calm she felt. Peaceful. Leaning back in her chair, she looked at the ceiling and thought about yesterday. How she had kissed Shari three times, even after she agreed to wait on the physical touching. Her emotions had been so intense yesterday, so out of control. She sighed and looked down at her desk. At the edge of it, half hidden by papers, was her journal.
"Maybe writing'll help?" she murmured to Rumi, her voice soft so she wouldn't wake Shari. Rumi purred. She took that as a yes, and pulled it free from the papers. She flipped through it, disappointed in the fact that she barely wrote in it. In fact, the last entry was from a year ago.
March 22, 2005
Bart says I need to believe that I will change, and like a self-fulling prophecy it will happen.
Believe. I'm believing. I believe I will change.
I hurt inside though. My heart hurts. And I keep thinking about Mary. Is she going through this too?
The words stung. Lyn flipped to the front of the journal and stared in disbelief.
December 5, 2001
Today is the day! I get to spend the night at Mary’s house! I’ve waited all week for this. But it’s passed by far too slowly. Teacher said I must be excited because I couldn’t concentrate in my jazz lessons. He chided me with being too caught up in the materialistic world. I told him that it was a slumber party with my best friend. We’ll be playing board games and having pillow fights mostly. He just laughed at that. Said I was such an innocent. I don’t know why. What does other people do at sleep overs?
Lately though, I’ve noticed how high strung Dad is. Ever since I’ve entered high school, his sermons have taken on a dramatic flair. Really Dad. I’m not going to be corrupted just by walking into a high school. Geesh. My friends are still the same, and I don’t do anything different. Music is still my forte. Speaking of music, I still have that Chadwick piece to memorize. It’ll be my audition piece for the university. Oh gosh, I can hardly believe it! In two years I’ll be going to the most famous university in the state! The best musical program in the nation! What could be better? Mary of course. She rivals my music anytime.
Lyn stared at the page. This was before her father walked in on her and Mary kissing. That first and only kiss they had ever done outside of Mary's room. The one kiss that wasn't just practice. Her fingers tightened on the journal as a new, troubling thought entered her mind. What if none of those practice kisses they had shared in Mary's room was for practice? What if Mary meant those, but only hid behind the word practice? The thought seemed crazy. She started to shake her head, but then the words in her next journal entry caught her eye.
December 6, 2001
Mary's still asleep. I'm at her house for the night, and it's six-thirty in the morning. Can't go back to sleep. Too jittery. Wish I could play. But it's too early, plus Mary doesn't have a piano.
She was so intense last night. And what we talked about. I don't fully understand, but it felt...
Lyn looked away from the page, trembling, as a sudden memory of Mary kissing her burst into her mind. How Mary had touched her breast, the warmth they had shared. She felt faint from the memory. That was too much like what Shari and her had shared last night before Shari had stopped her from going too far, into territory that Lyn knew she wasn't ready for, despite her intense emotions. She had been completely out of control last night, and she felt grateful Shari had recognized that.
She looked down at the journal and tentatively ran her finger down the middle binding. What did Mary and her have? "I need to remember," she told Rumi softly. "No matter what." Rumi lifted his head and looked at her with his dark eyes. She stroked his head and then pulled out some paper from the back of her music notebook. Laying her journal flat against the desk, she turned back to the December 5 entry and began to write. Not only what she wrote in the entry, but everything she remembered after she set those words on paper:
“Lyn!”
She jumped and slammed her journal shut. “What?” Turning, she saw her father standing directly behind the sofa. He frowned and gestured to her journal. Lyn’s hand slid protectively over it.
“Writing I see.” He cleared his throat and placed his hands on the back of the sofa. “Look, Lyn. This is going to be a busy weekend. Maybe you shouldn’t go to your friend’s tonight. I may need you tomorrow morning to prepare for the celebration.”
Lyn scowled. “Dad, we had this planned for weeks. You never once mentioned this, this, em, whatever.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Why do you need my help anyway? You gave permission for the sleep over.”
“Yes, I know I did.” Her father sighed. “Lyn, I am concerned for you. Lately, you haven’t been yourself.”
Her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Dad, what are you talking about? I’ve been plenty myself. In fact, I’ve never felt happier.”
“It’s just little changes in your behavior,” her father continued, ignoring her protest. “You don’t listen as much. You sneak out of the house – ”
“Dad!” Lyn jumped to her feet. “When have I ever snuck anywhere? I always ask for permission to leave!”
“You did not ask me about that movie you and Mary saw.” Her father straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you had, I would not have allowed it. That is a very un-Christian movie.”
“Princess Bride?” Lyn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Dad, that movie is a comedy. A fantasy comedy about true love. And it ends with them living a happy, committed life together. How is that un-Christian?”
“The deeper meaning is based upon magic.”
“That’s ridiculous. And besides, I asked Mom and she said yes. So I went.”
“Asking your mother does not mean the same thing as asking me.” Her father leaned forward and grasped Lyn’s shoulder. “We live in a dangerous time, Lyn. Our society is full of temptation and philosophies laced with anti-Christian messages. As your father and pastor, I simply cannot –“
Lyn jerked free of his touch. “I’m sixteen for heaven’s sake, Dad! Stop treating me like I’m eight!” She spun on her heel and stalked toward the door, only to be pulled to a stop by her father’s strong hand.
“This is exactly the behavior that concerns me.” Her father held her tightly, and despite Lyn’s attempt to shrug him off, he only held her shoulder even tighter. “You are hiding something, Lyn. Please, just confess it, and become right with Christ again.”
Shocked, Lyn stared at him. This entire conversation boggled her mind. Her relationship with Christ couldn’t be better. She prayed nightly, and often in her head throughout the day. Read at least one passage from the Bible every morning, and attended every youth event at her father’s church. Why did he think she was falling away? It didn’t make sense.
“This is why I would prefer you stay home tonight.” Her father released her shoulder and took a step backward. “I know I haven’t had time lately for you with the Church and all, but tonight I want to make this up to you with a prayer hour. There’s some verses we need to discuss.”
“And what are those?”
“Romans. Specifically chapter 1 verse 26.”
“Mary and I’ll look at it tonight, and we can talk about it tomorrow, okay, Dad?” Lyn crossed her arms over her chest and met his gaze with a stubborn one of her own.
He sighed. “Fine. But go straight there and back. No side trips. Promise?”
“Promise.” Lyn turned and ran out of the room before he could utter another word.
Lyn's hand shook as she paused in her writing. How long had her father been suspicious of her sexuality? Had he known before she had? She had never thought about it before. She'd been so focused on getting rid of it these past five years that she never once thought about how she ended up in the program. It was memories she had tried to lock away so carefully. She pressed a hand against her forehead, her other hand tightly clutching her pencil. Part of it was because the memories contained Mary, and she couldn't think of Mary while in the program. Thinking of Mary brought the feelings back, the same things she had tried so hard to destroy.
"Okay, Rumi," she said to her cat. "I've got to remember. All of it. No holding back." Her cat purred and kneaded his paws against her leg. She stroked his head again, and then turned back to her writing and remembering:
Mary lived only a block from her home, and it was a short walk. Just five minutes if Lyn took her time. Today she did, because her argument with her father still disturbed her. None of it made sense. Especially the last bit concerning Romans 1:26. She hadn’t looked it up yet, just grabbed her Bible and her backpack and escaped out the front door, but whatever it is, Dad apparently thought it applied to her.
She sighed and slid her free hand into her pocket as her other hand tightly clenched her study Bible. A slight breeze tugged her hair into her face, and Lyn ducked her head slightly to keep the strands from her eyes. A few leaves drifted on the wind, the last to fall from the trees, and a slight chill marked the end of autumn. Lyn shivered in her zipped coat and scrunched her shoulders against the chill in the air. Her feet took her down the concrete walk and past the fence that bordered the back yard of Mary’s house. Their family dog barked a greeting from the other side of the fence, and she paused to pet the husky’s snout. His greenish-yellow eyes twinkled, and he jumped up, putting his paws on the top of the fence, and tried to lick her face.
“Hey there, buddy.” Lyn backed away with a short, nervous laugh. “I like you. But not that much.”
“Rayford bothering you again?” Mary’s voice called from the porch. She laughed and bounded down the steps to join Lyn by the fence. “He’s just very friendly. You know he won’t hurt you.” She reached over the fence and scratched under his chin. He leaned into the scratch, his eyes closing with pleasure.
“Sure.” Lyn smiled faintly. “He’s cute but, em, big.”
“He’s a full grown husky.” Mary laughed again and slid her arm through Lyn’s. “Come on, let’s go inside. I’m cold.”
“With no shoes and no coat?” Lyn rolled her eyes, but smiled as she walked down the side of the house to the front porch. “Of course, you’re cold.”
“And what about you, oh shivering one?” Mary teased. “You have the coat and shoes.”
“I’ve been outside longer.” Lyn shot back.
Mary just laughed and tugged open the door. “Get inside, you wimp before we both freeze our buns off.” She tapped Lyn on the rear. Lyn giggled as she stepped inside and into their front foyer. Mary shut the door behind them and stomped her feet as she rubbed her hands. “Too cold. Why can’t winter come later?”
“Then it’d creep into summer.” Lyn unzipped her coat and slid her backpack off her shoulders. Mary grasped it and gestured to her Bible.
“Something up, I take it?”
“How’d you know?” Lyn shrugged off her coat and hung it on the coat rack next to the door.
“Well. Let’s see. First, you’re early. Second, you’re tense, and third, you’re carrying your Bible.” She held up a finger for each point. “Add them together and it equals ‘something bothers my best buddy.’”
“Astute as usual.” Lyn tried to smile, but it shook at the corners and she looked down at her Bible that she still tightly held in her hand. She wasn’t entirely sure how to explain the weird conversation with her father, and why she wanted to come early to escape confronting him again. It had been so sudden and just plain weird.
Mary tapped her lower lip. “Alright. Bedroom time.” She grabbed Lyn’s arm and dragged her past the family kitchen and up the stairs to her room. Shutting the door behind them, she gestured to the slightly messy bed. Lyn stood awkwardly in front of the door, and stared at the green covers. Mary gave her a slight push, and she tumbled forward onto the bed, her Bible dropping onto the blanket beside her. “Too tense. You need to loosen up.” Mary jumped on the bed beside her and pushed Lyn against the pillows. Her hand grasped Lyn’s right wrist, and her other hand lay flat on the bed next to Lyn’s head. Mary leaned over her and smiled. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Lyn was never entirely certain what Mary thought, but all she could think about when they sat on the bed like this was Mary’s thin red lips and her flushed cheeks. She just settled for a nod. Mary laughed and leaned down, her hair brushing Lyn’s cheeks and shoulders. “Practice time!” she whispered in Lyn’s ear. Her friend’s breath against the inside of her ear nearly overwhelmed Lyn’s senses. Did Mary feel this as intensely as she did? It had been a game they played since middle school, but Lyn’s feelings had only grown stronger over the years. Now it only took a smile from Mary to send Lyn’s heart beating twice as fast.
Mary’s lips touched her own, and Lyn struggled not to wrap her arms around her friend and return the kiss with everything she had. The kiss lasted longer than usual, and Mary’s hand slid down Lyn’s arm to touch the side of her breast through the shirt. Heat flushed Lyn’s cheeks, and despite her focus on just lying still, her left hand reached up and stroked Mary’s cheek. Her friend pulled away and smiled.
“Feel better?”
“Maybe if you kissed me again,” Lyn shot back.
Mary’s eyebrows rose, and to Lyn’s surprise, her friend leaned forward and kissed her a second time. This time, Mary lay down next to Lyn and pressed her hand against Lyn’s breast as her tongue gently pushed Lyn’s mouth open. All thought vanished and she leaned into the kiss, her left arm wrapped around Mary’s back as her right strayed to Mary’s cheek. Pausing only for breath, the pair kissed longer and more passionately than in any of their previous games. Mary’s hand slid under Lyn’s shirt, and as her fingers touched Lyn’s bare breast, Lyn felt heat and pleasure overwhelm her body. The urge to just slide Mary’s shirt off and touch her breasts was overwhelming, but Lyn kept her left hand at Mary’s neck and her right against her cheek.
Time had no meaning, and when Mary finally pulled away, her hand still on Lyn’s breast, Lyn felt light-headed and was grinning nearly from ear to ear. “Now you’re better,” Mary said with a decisive nod.
“More than better,” Lyn gasped out, still breathless from the intense kiss.
Mary laughed and snuggled against Lyn. “Good. My plan is completed.” She kissed Lyn’s cheek and squeezed her breast once before sliding her hand free. Lyn hid her face in Mary’s hair to keep her friend from seeing her blush. “You’re so cute when you do that, you know.” Her friend gently tucked a strand of Lyn’s dark hair behind her ear.
“You’re cute all the time,” Lyn mumbled into Mary’s hair.
Her friend just laughed. “So what was it? Usually it takes just one kiss to loosen you up.”
“Just my Dad.” Lyn sighed. “He jumped on me out of the blue with this weird crap about me not being myself. And that I need to get right with Christ and stuff.”
Mary pushed herself up with one arm and regarded Lyn somberly. “Really? Why?”
“I don’t know!” Lyn faced the ceiling, her arms spread eagle on the bed. “I was just sitting there, writing in my journal, thinking of you and how the sleepover was just an hour away, and then he marches in and starts saying all this awful stuff. Like I was going behind him by asking Mom about the movie instead of him. And how he didn’t want me to come over tonight because he wanted to sit down and talk to me about Romans chapter 1 verse 26 and pray for an hour. I’m still kinda in shock about it. It came out of nowhere.”
“That is weird.” Mary leaned her head against Lyn’s breasts, grabbed Lyn’s left hand, and held it against her chest. “What does that verse say anyway?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I grabbed my Bible. I was too flustered to sit and look it up. Just came right over.” Lyn felt awkward and confused by Mary’s constant touching. As much as she adored it, it seemed out of place with the usual rules of their game, but then Mary had announced this practice time. Lyn sighed and rubbed her brow with her free hand.
“Good plan.” Mary titled her head and smiled, her green eyes sparkling. “We’ll take a look at that verse, laugh at your Dad’s paranoia, and then spend the rest of the evening playing our game. And then you’ll cease to worry and everything will be fine again.”
Lyn snorted. “Sure. Then I’ll go home, Dad pounces, and starts a lecture where I don’t really listen…” She sighed. “Though what gets me, is that he seemed really upset about it all.”
“That’s because he’s a control freak, and he wants you to do everything he says 24/7.” To Lyn’s surprise, Mary’s voice held a twinge of anger.
“He’s not that bad. Just a concerned father,” Lyn protested weakly.
Mary turned on her side and held Lyn’s hand with both of her own. “You know I’m right. If he had his way, he’d keep you sequestered in your room to protect you from the evils of society that he rants about in his sermons all the time.”
Lyn raised her eyebrows. “Sequestered? Reading much lately?”
“Just to surprise you with my mad vocab skills.” Mary abruptly released Lyn’s hand and rose up just enough to kiss Lyn on the tip of her nose. “Look,” she said gently, her face only an inch from Lyn’s own. “We’re together right now. Let’s enjoy that before you have to leave, okay? Forget about your Dad a bit, and let’s just enjoy us.”
“Okay,” Lyn breathed out, dizzy from the kiss and the closeness. Mary was being incredibly intense tonight and far more touchy-feely than usual. In fact, this didn’t feel like the usual game of practice kiss and cuddling battle. It felt warmer, more new. Like their friendship was evolving into something new and exciting. It had happened gradually over the past year, Lyn had noticed, but tonight was even more intense than usual.
“Good.” Mary tucked her head against Lyn’s side and sighed. As they cuddled, Lyn wondered if Mary felt the same way about their friendship. As if it was evolving and slowly entering new territory. Good territory that felt happy and exciting. Her friend rarely talked about their practice sessions except for maybe a joke or two about knowing what to do if a guy tried to kiss them. She never talked about the game itself unless they were both alone in one of their rooms.
“Mary?”
“Yeah?” She turned on her side and tucked her hands under her cheek. A smile lit her face, the dimple quite prominent.
“You’re… you’re really intense tonight…” Lyn turned onto her side to face her friend. “More so than usual.”
Mary’s smile faded slightly. “Does it bother you?”
“No!” Lyn shook her head and reached out to grasp Mary’s left elbow. “I… I like it… a lot. Just…” She felt suddenly shy and for the first time afraid.
“Just…?” Mary slid one hand free and trailed it over Lyn’s cheek.
“What are we?” Lyn struggled to make some coherent sense out of her inflamed emotions and disheveled thoughts, but it was hard to think with Mary’s hand stroking her cheek. “I… I mean, we’re friends?”
“Yes.” Mary smiled. “But more than that too.”
“Like sisters?”
Mary giggled. “A sisterhood of friendship. Maybe even more than that, and that’s okay. It is okay, right?” A hint of worry colored her friend’s gentle voice.
“Yes, yes yes!” Lyn timidly touched Mary’s hair that lay atop her body and spilled onto the bed between them. “It’s wonderful. So wonderful.” Lyn smiled, but she felt tears in her eyes. “I… I’m just confused.”
“Aren’t you always?” Mary laughed quietly, and pulled Lyn into an embrace. She paused and just held Lyn tightly in her arms, her cheeks against the top of Lyn’s head. The warmth of her friend soothed Lyn’s confusion, and she leaned her head against Mary’s shoulder, content not to move. Was this just a game? What had they been playing? Those questions had wandered in and out of her mind ever since Mary had initiated the kissing aspect of the game a few months ago. It was the one part of the game they had yet to play outside of Mary’s room.
“I love you.” The words burst from Mary’s mouth, and Lyn lifted her head in surprise. “I mean, I really, really love you.” Tears glinted in Mary’s eyes, one escaping down her cheek.
“Mary…” Lyn gently brushed away the tear. “Em…”
Her friend laughed softly and shook her head. “I’m being dramatic as usual. You know how I get.”
“Yeah. I do,” Lyn replied seriously, “and I know when you’re upset too. So stop hiding it, and just say it.”
Mary sighed and rolled onto her back. “It’s just the rumors going around school. Some of them are pretty ridiculous, but others kinda hurt. And well, my parents got wind of them, and they had a talk with me the other night.”
“Like my Dad’s?”
“Not that bad.” Mary smiled and turned her head to meet Lyn’s concerned gaze. “They just wanted to give me the sex talk. That’s all.”
“Woah!” Lyn pushed herself into a sitting position. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. They also gave me some pamphlets. One of them I found highly ironic.” Mary abruptly slid off the bed and padded over to her desk on the other side of the room. She opened the top drawer and pulled out a pamphlet. Tossing it at the bed, she grabbed two more and shut the drawer with her hip. Lyn tentatively picked up the one closest to her and blinked at the bright red letters at the front that read: “The ins and outs of sex. What school doesn’t teach you about your body.”
“Fun, isn’t it?” Mary plopped down at the bed and held up the other two. One had a picture of ovaries, and read: “Your sex in a nutshell.” The other one startled Lyn with its bright blue lettering: “Homosexuality: Just the Facts.” Mary laid them next to Lyn’s knee and propped her chin up on her hands. “Mom and Dad were just concerned I think since some of the rumors were about me being a whore, a dyke, a disgusting pig.” She waved her hand dismissively. “You know, just the usual crap.”
Lyn stared at the pamphlets. “No, I didn’t know.” She felt suddenly punched in the stomach. “I… I didn’t know they called you names…”
Mary flicked the side of Lyn’s head. “Because your head’s always in the clouds. Why do you think I’m so protective?” She suddenly reached out and tugged Lyn into an embrace. “You’d fall apart if I wasn’t there to keep their words away.”
“But what does it mean? Whore… dyke… I don’t get it.” Lyn leaned against her friend, grateful for the closeness. She felt overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of information, first from her Dad and now from her best friend.
“See? Innocent to the core.” Mary kissed the top of Lyn’s head. “A whore is a derogatory term for a girl who sleeps around.” Mary paused and sighed at Lyn’s blank look. “As in have sex.”
“Oh. But you don’t do that.” Lyn frowned and glanced up at Mary’s face.
Mary nodded. “It’s just an insult. You know, to try to make me feel like crap. Anyway, a dyke is a female who likes girls… and well, dresses and acts boyish? Something like that.”
Lyn wrinkled her nose. “So… how is that bad?”
Mary shrugged and didn’t answer, instead she held Lyn tighter and buried her face in Lyn’s hair.
“Mary…” Lyn felt confused and frightened by her friend’s sudden silence. “It… it really hurts you, doesn’t it?”
“Sometimes,” her friend whispered.
“But why?” Lyn curled her arms through Mary’s and grasped her hands.
“Some people think liking girls is freakish. Wrong.”
Lyn shifted in Mary’s arms, so that she could see her friend’s face. “I don’t get it. It feels perfectly natural. Like…” She stumbled for a comparison that made sense, but Mary’s closeness was clouding her thoughts again. “Like… like being a dog or cat person. Em.” She frowned at her pathetic comparison. “Em, you know.”
Mary laughed and gave Lyn a quick kiss on the lips. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” She sighed and trailed her fingers along Lyn’s cheeks. “But some people don’t get it. They think everyone has to be exactly like them, and they get angry and afraid when people aren’t. It’s why my parents got concerned when they heard the rumors. So I told them that I love you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Dad just laughed and told me that’s what friends do. Love each other. But Mom didn’t say anything. Just looked at me with a frown. That’s when they handed me the pamphlets.”
“Really?”
“Yes, silly.” Mary laughed, but there were tears in her eyes again. “It’s just a little hard sometimes. I’m not even sure myself what all this means, and well, you’re so dense and innocent. But I just can’t stop myself tonight. I just want to be close to you right now.”
“Okay.” Lyn smiled and tucked her head into Mary’s shoulder. Once again, silence descended, but it was peaceful, relaxed. She could feel the warmth of not only Mary’s love, but Christ’s as well. Like He was letting her know that this was alright. They were safe. “He’s here too, you know,” Lyn murmured, her eyes still closed.
“Christ?”
“Yeah. His love blankets us. Binds us together. This is all apart of His master plan.” Lyn spoke quietly but conviction underlined her words.
“Hmm.” Mary’s hand brushed Lyn’s cheek again, and startled, she opened her eyes. Tears shone on Mary’s cheeks. “How do you do that?” she murmured. “Always saying just what I need to hear?”
“Because I love you too?” Lyn felt embarrassed. She didn’t really know why she said those words. They just felt true.
“Works for me.” Mary suddenly giggled and wiped away her tears with a sweep of her hand. “Okay, enough of this serious stuff. How about we play some cards? I learned a new game from my Dad last night.”
“Oh?” Lyn smiled. “I bet my beginner’s luck will strike again.”
Mary wrinkled her nose. “We’ll see about that.”
Lyn dropped her pencil. The words had just flowed from her hand, and she had only glanced a few times at the December 6th journal entry. The memory had been so vivid, so clear. She groaned and put her head on the desk. Rumi meowed at the sound, and kneaded her leg again. She laid a hand against his soft fur coat, but her fingers trembled as she stroked his fur. Mary and her hadn't been just friends. Her journal entries, her memories, they only made it more and more clear how Mary had been her first real girlfriend. Not a friend. Not like some of her buddies from school, who never touched her like Mary had. And she had never wanted to touch them like that.
"I loved her, Rumi," she breathed the words and tears stung her eyes. "And... and she loved me back." It was a revelation that hit her hard. So hard that she began to cry. Her tears startled Rumi, and he suddenly jumped out of her lap. His warmth suddenly gone, she felt a sudden ache in her heart.
"Lyn?"
Startled, she looked up to see Shari sitting up in bed with Rumi at her side. "Shari," she whispered.
Shari reached down, grabbed one of her crutches, and limped to her side. "What is it, girl?" Her hand gently touched Lyn's back, rubbing it.
"I.. I wanted to remember." She bit back a sob and turned away, embarrased at her tears. "Here." She picked up her writings and thrust them at Shari. "It's there. Wrote it out. How it all began. I didn't write how Dad discovered Mary and I though." Lyn spoke hesitantly. "I.. had to stop. It... it was getting too hard."
"That's okay." Shari took the papers and set them in her lap. "Do you want me to read?"
Lyn nodded, and sat in a tense silence as Shari worked her way through the three pages. When she finished, she handed the papers back to Lyn. "You really loved her, didn't you?"
A shiver passed through Lyn and she dropped the writings onto her desk as if scalded. "I shouldn't have," she whispered. "But I was. And... and you think, Mary felt the same?"
"I don't know." Shari's hand dropped away from Lyn. "She might have, from what you wrote it seemed like it."
Lyn shivered again. "Why didn't I realize?" She stared at her window, but she didn't see the tree or the curtains. Only the words on those papers. Only the memory of Mary. "We had other friends. But Mary was different. Always better. I'm an idiot."
"No, no, you're not an idiot." Shari spoke carefully. "Hindsight's always clearer than in the moment."
Something in Shari's voice disturbed Lyn, and she turned to Shari. "Shari..." She reached toward her, but then stopped. "I... you... what is it?"
"What's what?"
"You're..." Lyn stopped unable to explain. "Different?"
"Me?" Shari shook her head. "I'm just being careful." She smiled wanly. "You were talking easier. More calmly. I didn't want to break that."
"Break it?" Lyn looked down at her desk, at the writings. She realized Shari was right. It wasn't that hard to talk now. It was as if writing about what happened had loosened her barriers. Had broken down a bit of the wall that she held so tightly around herself. The silence she had lived in for five years. "Shari..." Lyn turned to her again, reached out, and grasped her hands. "Shari... I trust you."
"I know." Shari smiled, more gently this time.
"Help me." Lyn's voice began to shake again. "I need to remember. But... but it's hard. I'm scared. Please, help me?"
"How?" Shari held her hands tightly. "I can try, but how do I help?"
"Get me to talk. Write." Lyn clung to Shari's hands as her vision blurred and salt from her tears stung the edges of her eyes. "I need to remember. Remember Dad, Mom, Mary. Remember what happened."
"Lyn... I can't help you with that. I can support you. Cheer you on, but only you can remember what happened..."
"Oh Shari." Lyn doubled over, her forehead pressed against Shari's hands. "You... you're right. Just, when... when I cry, can you hold me?"
"Yeah. I can." Shari's hand gently stroked her hair. "Just let me know."
Lyn sat up, trembling. Her tears felt hot against her cheeks, salty against her lips. She hadn't even realized she had started crying again. "Okay," she whispered, but the word caught in her throat. The tears wouldn't stop.
Shari gently leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Lyn. She pressed her face into Shari's shoulder, breathed in her sweet smell, and choked back sob. "Shari, Shari..." she whispered. "I'm so glad you're here. So glad."
Shari held her tightly, and tenderly kissed the top of her head. "So am I."