Lyn sat cross-legged on her bed as Shari lay on her side next to her. Rumi lay curled atop her desk asleep. She hummed to the concerto on her music player and etched in the key change in her score. The homework that she had forgotten lay finished next to her, and her homework for next week was going relatively fast. It was strange how easy it was for Lyn to think when Shari was reading a book next to her. Before she had been in such a state of agitation that she couldn’t focus on anything, but since Shari said she’d stay with her, Lyn found herself calmer and less disturbed.
“Almost done?” Shari’s voice startled Lyn out of her musings, and she looked up to see Shari smiling.
“Yeah.” The concerto drew to a close, and Lyn shut her music book. “You?”
“Been done for while.” She laughed. “I found it fun to just watch you and listen. No idea what you were doing, but whatever it was, it had you smiling.” She winked, “that’s always good to see.”
Lyn blushed and ducked her head not sure how to respond.
Shari laughed again. “You’re so cute when you do that.” She sat upright and suddenly wrapped her arms around Lyn. “How are you feeling?”
“Em.” Shari’s warmth gave her butterflies in her stomach, and she turned her head to look Shari in the face. They sat so close together that Lyn found it hard to breathe. “Not sure…” she said weakly.
“Then is this okay?”
“Yes.” The word jumped out of her mouth, and a blush tinged Lyn’s cheeks. She didn’t want Shari to ever let go. In fact, she desperately wanted Shari to kiss her. Those feelings were almost overwhelming. “Please.”
For the second time that day, Lyn found herself leaning forward and planting her lips on Shari’s. This time, she let herself flow with the torrent of feelings that bombarded her. The feel of Shari’s smooth skin against her own, their lips touching, her soft hair between her fingers. She fell lightly against her blankets as Shari lay atop of her and her hands stroked Lyn’s hair and face.
The phone rang. Its shrill tone cut through the blissful moment, and Shari slid to one side in surprise. Both of them glanced at the phone as it rang again.
“No, no, no.” Lyn shook her head. “It can’t be them, right?”
“Let’s find out.” Shari stood, grabbed only one crutch, and limped to the phone. As it rang a third time, she lifted it from its receiver, cutting the ring short. “Hello?” Her eyebrows rose at the response. “I’m sorry, but she can’t come to the phone right now. Would you like to leave a message?”
This time the silence lasted for several minutes, and as the time passed, Shari’s lips pursed and her eyes narrowed. Lyn started to stand fretfully, but Shari waved at her to stay where she was. What was the person saying? Shari looked almost angry.
“Okay. I’ll let her know. Bye.” She slammed the receiver down and turned to Lyn with her hands on her hips, still balanced on her good foot. “That guy who calls you. Bart is it?”
Lyn pressed her hands against her knees and nodded. “It was him, wasn’t it?” Her voice was soft and she couldn’t keep the tremble from her voice.
In an instant, Shari was at her side, the crutch falling to the floor beside the bed. She held her and gently pressed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “Yeah, but it’s alright. He lectured me pretty much, but that was all. You’re safe, okay?”
“Safe?” Lyn pressed her face against Shari’s shoulder. “I keep kissing you. Just can’t stop myself. If they find out, they can’t find out. It’ll all be gone…” Tears stung her eyes and her shoulders began to shake. “I want… I want to be with you…”
“I know.” Shari’s fingers gently stroked her hair. “And I will be here.” Gently, she pulled away and held Lyn’s shoulders with a smile. “Look at today, Lyn. You kissed me twice, told me what was wrong, sought help, and here you are letting me help you. Allowing me to protect you from them. That’s a long way to go in just one day.”
Lyn curled her fingers around Shari’s arm. “Em. Yeah.” She shivered and closed her eyes. “It’s too fast.”
“Then take it easy.” Shari tenderly pushed Lyn against the pillows. “If you like, we can focus more on sorting out your feelings and wait on the physical stuff.”
“Physical.” Lyn opened her eyes and grasped Shari’s hands. “Why is it so intense?”
Shari smiled and pushed a lock of Lyn’s hair from her face. “It’s the physical expression of your feelings. That’s all.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “Lyn, I very much want to keep kissing, but I think maybe you need a break. Think about today. Rest. How about that?”
“Okay.” Lyn clung to Shari’s touch, unwilling to let go. “But you’ll… em… stay?”
“Of course.” Shari lay down next to her and curled one of her arms around Lyn, her other hand still holding Lyn’s. “As long as you want me, I’ll stay.”
“Thank you.” A smile creased Lyn’s lips and she lay her head in the crook of Shari’s arm. The peace she felt in her heart from just lying next to Shari made her wonder even more if the program was wrong. Just this morning she had felt divided and soiled by just sleeping next to Shari, but the moment she let go of what the program told her and let herself just be, she felt peace and happiness. Something she had never felt in the program. A deep gratefulness infused her and she pressed closer to Shari’s warm body.
“I want to know more about you,” Lyn whispered as she lifted her head slightly to look into Shari’s face. A smile curved the woman’s lips and she smoothed back Lyn’s hair with her fingertips.
“Alright. Not sure where to start. I mean, I haven’t lived that exciting a life.” She laughed softly. “Grew up on a farm. Then came here. What would you like to know?”
“Everything.” Lyn smiled shyly. “Likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, happy memories, sad ones, everything.”
“That’s a tall order.” Shari laughed again and lightly brushed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “I’m more than willing. Though I can’t help but want to know the same about you.”
“You will.” Lyn trailed her fingers along Shari’s arm. “I, em, not great at talking, but I’ll try.”
“That’s the best anyone can do.” Shari held her closer, her smile mirroring the tenderness in her eyes.
They had spent nearly two hours just talking quietly on the bed when the phone rang again. This time Lyn stood to answer it. Rumi raised his head at the sound, and his dark eyes seemed to glow in the dim light of the room. Her hand hovered over the receiver, but she didn’t pick it up.
The phone rang again.
“I can answer it, if you’d like.” Shari spoke softly, gently. She sat on the edge of the bed, her hands pressed against the comforter like she was about to jump and run to Lyn’s side at any moment.
Lyn shook her head. “Em, thanks, but it might be Ana from class.” The words gave her some courage – enough to pick up the receiver. “Hello, It’s Lyn.”
“Lyn!” Ana’s voice echoed in her ear, and a wave of relief caused Lyn to sit down roughly in a chair. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yes.”
“Good to hear. Listen, do you still want to study before worship?”
Lyn curled her fingers into a fist and then uncurled them till they lay flat in her lap. “Yeah. But after, em, I may not go.”
“Go to what? Worship?”
“Yeah.”
“Why not?” Concern trickled through Ana’s voice. “Is it because of the music? If so, then really, you shouldn’t be that bothered by it. I know they’re bad, but they do it for Christ. That’s what really matters.”
“No, that’s not it.” Lyn stood and walked over to the counter where the cat food was stored in the cabinet above her bread box. Rumi hopped down from the desk and walked to her side, his tail brushing against her leg. She grasped the bag and poured a little into the bowl next to his water. “I don’t like it there. Em. Too crowded. Don’t fit in.” She struggled to find words that Ana would understand. “Em, I, em, don’t feel called to go.” It was an often used phrase in the program. Feeling called to do something was a sign that God wanted this for you. At least that was what Bart had told her over and over again.
“Oh. That’s sad. Have you found a place you can go to instead?”
“Not yet.” Lyn placed the bag back in the cabinet. She paused to stroke Rumi’s soft fur. His raised his back legs at the movement but continued to eat. “Still looking.” She walked back to the bed and sat down next to Shari. The woman was so tense, and Lyn didn’t want her to worry, so she slid her hand into Shari’s and gave her a faint smile. Shari seemed to understand for she visibly relaxed, her arm sliding around Lyn’s shoulders. Lyn leaned into the touch. “Are, em, mad at me?”
“Of course not! Just because you don’t want to go to worship, doesn’t mean we aren’t friends, silly.” Ana gave a little laugh. “I just pray you find a church for you soon. Though maybe you should still go until you find one? It’s always better to be with fellow Christians, you know? To help your spiritual life. And I’m sure someone there might know of a good church.”
“No.” Lyn stiffened and clutched the phone tightly. “But thanks for the offer. I…” She breathed deeply and forced the words out of her mouth, “I need to go now. What time and where?”
“To meet for studying?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I was thinking the library or maybe your place about an hour and a half before worship. Does that work for you?”
“Yeah. Come to my place. You know where?” She didn’t want to leave her apartment, and she wasn’t sure where the library was. She had only gone to the university one once. She mostly used the public library just on the other side of the park.
There was a slight pause. “Forest apartments I think. Second floor somewhere right?”
“Yeah. 260.”
“Awesome! I’ll see you then. Take care, and I’ll be praying.”
Lyn murmured a goodbye and pressed the off button on the phone. She leaned her head against Shari’s shoulder. “That was Ana. Friend from class. Wants to study.”
“That’s cool.” Shari slid her arm around Lyn’s waist and pressed her cheek against Lyn’s hair. “What time?”
“Wednesday at six-thirty.” Lyn trailed her fingers along Shari’s thigh. “I was afraid at first.”
“That it was Bart?” When Lyn nodded, Shari wrapped her other arm around Lyn and held her close. “He won’t call again today. Maybe tomorrow, but if you like, I can answer the phone for you.”
Lyn pressed her face against Shari’s shoulder. “You can’t keep doing that. I… I need…” She wasn’t even sure what she needed. What she wanted was to be with Shari, but that would be impossible if she stayed with the program.
“Need what?” Shari’s voice tickled her ear.
“You.” The urge to kiss Shari engrossed her, but she felt too shy this time. Instead she slid her fingers down Shari’s cheek. “I… I feel safe. Peaceful with you. I… I don’t want to lose that. Lose you.”
“Lyn.” Shari held her tightly and whispered in her ear. “You won’t. I will do all I can to help you. To keep you safe. If Bart or that program tries anything, I can help you legally protest. They don’t have the right to take you anywhere against your will. You’re old enough to make your own decisions. They have no hold on you.”
“Do they?” Lyn wished Shari’s words were true, but she felt that they not only had a hold on her, but also her mind and spirit. That moment, when Shari and her had kissed, her mind hadn’t been horrified or repulsed, but scared. Scared not of Shari, but of the program. Of what they would do. “I feel like they do.”
“That’s what they want you to think.” Shari pulled away and her blue eyes held Lyn’s gaze. “They’ve drilled that into you for five years. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to stop thinking that. You are a free person. You have the right to make your own decisions. To see all sides of a discussion, and to make your own opinion. Don’t let anyone try to force you to believe something.”
Lyn sighed and laid her head against Shari’s shoulder. “I’m not sure what to believe anymore.”
“Believe in love.” Shari’s arm encircled Lyn and her chin rested against Lyn’s shoulder. “God is Love as the Bible says. And Love does no harm. You can trust and believe in that.”
“That’s what they say though.” Lyn closed her eyes. “But then they say that homosexuality is wrong. That it’s a sin. That I need to be cured in order to be saved. That if I don’t give it to Christ and let Christ heal me then I will go to Hell. Then they have me hug males tightly, feel their body against mine – and encourage, em…” She couldn’t continue. Just the thought of those exercises terrified her.
Shari stiffened and pulled away to search Lyn’s face. “They forced you to hug guys so you can feel their penises? That’s demoralizing! What did they encourage?” When Lyn didn’t answer, Shari gently caressed her cheek. “If you can’t talk about it now, I’ll understand. But maybe it will help if you tell me.”
Lyn opened her eyes and met Shari’s concerned gaze. She felt weak and frightened, but at the same time, emboldened by Shari’s caring. “Masturbation. Encouraged it only if we thought of the other sex. Gave us exercises to focus on the sexuality of the other sex. Then would tell us that’s a sin. That we needed to seek God’s forgiveness for doing anything sexual.”
“What the hell?” Shari’s eyes narrowed in anger and concern. “Lyn… did they really?”
Tears stung her eyes. “Yes… and I hated it, Shari!” Sobs racked her body, and the words flowed out of her in a torrent of emotion. “But I couldn’t leave. Dad won’t let me go home until I graduate. Till I’m cured. Can’t talk to my Mom, he won’t let me. None of my friends from home talk to me anymore. Nowhere to go.”
“No.” Shari brushed away her tears. “You have somewhere to go now. You have me. I will always welcome you with open arms. And so will my family. I’m sure of it. So don’t ever think you have nowhere to go, okay? For you do. Even if your Dad won’t let you go home, even if the program tries to trap you, you can still come to me. You don’t have to live like this anymore, Lyn. I can help you. Will you let me?”
Lyn sucked back a sob and nodded tentatively.
“Don’t worry, okay?” Shari smiled, but it was a mirthless smile. “What they did to you was wrong. Horribly wrong, and against Christ’s teachings. Geesh, I don’t even know how they could have rationalized those exercises with the Bible! It doesn’t make sense. And it’s disgusting. Don’t let them treat you like that, Lyn. You’re worth more than that. You deserve more.” She laid her hands on Lyn’s cheeks. “You are a beautiful child of God, and He made you the way you are. You are not a freak, nor do you have a disease. Don’t let them try to take that truth away. You can’t deny a piece of yourself. It’s not something that will just go away.”
“They say it does. They say you have to tell yourself. Believe it will, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy it’ll happen.”
“But then how does that relate to Christ healing you?” Shari dropped her hands into her lap and frowned. “This doesn’t make any sense, Lyn. Do you see this? How contradictory they sound?”
Lyn looked down at her hands. “Five years of it.” A deep sadness overwhelmed her. That was a huge chunk of her life she could never take back. “I tried so hard to believe. To heal like they wanted. But I felt like… like I was dying inside. I never fit in. Was different from the others. Dad and Mom used to be so loving. But then the day Dad caught me and Mary. He turned against me. I was sick. Had to be healed. I felt I lost him. Everything. That the only way to get it back was to do as they said. But I failed. This was a test. To see if I was ready to go out on my own. They thought that I was healed, but I failed. Bart was just to check up on me. To make sure things were going okay. But… but…” She pressed her face into her hands.
“You didn’t fail.” Shari spoke gently as she touched Lyn’s shoulder. “You just had enough. You say you felt like you were dying. You were. Denying any piece of yourself does that to you.” She leaned forward and planted a kiss on Lyn’s forehead. “You are worth more than that. God didn’t create you to live halfway. But to live fully.”
“Help me do that, Shari.” Lyn wrapped her arms around Shari. “I don’t know how. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if they come. If they try to take you away.”
“They won’t,” Shari said fiercely. She held Lyn tightly. “Not while I’m here.”
Lyn smiled and leaned closer. More than ever she wanted to just let go and kiss Shari, let Shari touch her everywhere. To share herself completely and utterly. “I think… I think I might love you.”
Shari curled a lock of her hair behind her ear and smiled tenderly. “I know.”
The next moment, Lyn found herself kissing Shari again. They fell onto the bed together, kissing, stroking each other’s breasts, sides. The soft touch of Shari’s skin ignited her passion, and she slid her hand between Shari’s shirt and pants, touching the skin there. As they paused for breath, Shari whispered, “Are you sure? You said this was too fast earlier.”
Lyn kissed the side of Shari’s mouth as she lay atop of her. “Yes… but I want this so much.”
“So do I.” Shari spoke huskily, but she slid out from under Lyn. She laid her head on her arm and wrapped her other one around Lyn’s body. “But I don’t think you’re ready yet. Right? Plus your friend is coming.”
Lyn laid her head next to Shari’s and snuggled under Shari’s arm, her own curled around Shari’s torso. “Em, yeah.” She blushed. “I…” Her voice trailed away. “Not a good time yet.”
“We have plenty of time.” Shari smiled and laid the back of her hand against Lyn’s cheek. “Let’s take it slow like you said just a bit ago, okay? I don’t want this to emotionally overwhelm you. Especially since we have a lot to deal with – like if that program tries anything.”
Lyn nodded. “Okay.” She pushed herself upright and smiled shyly. “Maybe we should eat?”
Shari grinned. “Now that’s an excellent idea! I am starving. And you look like you could always use more food.” She reached out and cupped Lyn’s chin in her palm. Gently and slowly, she kissed Lyn’s lips. As she pulled away, she stood and grasped Lyn’s hands. “What would you like to eat?”
“Something with no meat.” Lyn let Shari pull her to her feet. “Maybe veggie lasagna?”
“Sounds perfect to me.” Shari's grin was infectious, and Lyn found herself returning the smile.