Story: Two students and a cat (all chapters)

The circle of fifths. It should be easy, just listen to the excerpt, identify the key, and find its counterpart on the chart, yet here Lyn sat unable to comprehend the music that trickled from her CD player. A trilling melody danced to her ears; its soaring flutes supported by the deep throated calls of the horns. A crash of a cymbal ended the excerpt. She rubbed her eyes and tapped her pencil against random keys that circled the paper. As the letters and symbols blurred in her vision, she sighed, her pencil dropping from her hand. She just could not focus on the assignment.

Lyn turned away from her cluttered desk, half pushing her music theory textbook over her homework. Piles of books littered the right side of her desk, and a lamp and some folders along with her laptop sat atop the left side. A few trinkets from home decorated the side of the desk that pushed against the wall; most of the trinkets just sculptures of cats.

“Rumi?” her light alto echoed in the small apartment, and was answered by a meow just to the left of her chair. A black cat squirmed free from under her desk and jumped into her lap. He rubbed his face against her cheek, his whiskers tickling her nose. Her fingers stroked his soft, short fur, and she smiled shakily at her cat. “Rumi, am I really cut out for this? This should be easy material, but I just can’t focus.” The cat purred in response and rubbed his head under her chin. “You saying I should keep trying, eh?” The car purred again, and Lyn sighed. Rumi provided some comfort, and his soft fur did tickle her fingers, but it brought her no closer to understanding her homework. Perhaps it was time for a break.

She looked out her window across from her desk. Branches from a tree blocked most of the view, their green leaves bright in the light of the setting sun. The sidewalk and grass lawn that surrounded the building could barely be seen through the gaps in the branches. Perhaps a walk could clear her mind. “What about that, Rumi?” She stroked his fur and rubbed the top of his head. “I’ll go for a walk, and perhaps bring you a treat.” In response, the cat meowed and hopped onto her laptop. He curled into a ball, the end of his tail twitching to some unheard beat. Lyn laughed softly and stood with a stretch. Surely the fresh air would do her some good.

Her jacket still lay atop her bed, and her shoes by the door. The small alcove where her kitchen and table lay was still cluttered with the dishes from last night that she had yet to clean. She turned her back on the mess, slid her jacket on, and paused by the bookcase next to the kitchen alcove and the door to her restroom. Her messenger bag hung on a tack on the side of the bookcase, still filled with her piano music from practice this morning. She grabbed it, tossed it around her shoulders, and quickly slipped on her sneakers.

Being on the second floor of the apartment building, she had a short flight of stairs to the exit, but as usual it stank of smoke from one of her neighbors. She locked her door, shoved her hands into her pockets, and hurried through the stench, her head bowed and her eyes averted from the half-open door of her neighbor, whose heavy metal music could barely be heard through the crack.

One push against the exit door and a swift wind pushed her back against the stairs. She pulled the collar of her jacket up toward her ears and fished her scarf from her bag. Wrapping it around her neck, she tucked one end into her jacket, zipped it up tight, and stepped outside. The wind slammed into her, almost offsetting her balance, but she ducked her head and moved forward against the cool breeze. Cars buzzed by in the nearby street, and a few people wandered down the sidewalk on the other side, where a few restaurants were still open. Lyn kept her gaze on the sidewalk, her feet in motion. Everyone always seemed to be in a hurry to reach their destination, or else in a hurry to relax in the park-like lawns in front of the halls where classes were held. Most had someone at their side if not two to three, and those who sat alone either read or talked on their cell-phones. A luxury Lyn did not have.

Caught in her usual people-watching, she didn’t notice the tall blonde until she slammed into her. Lyn stumbled and fell on her rear startled by the sudden collision. “Aw,” she said embarrassed, her face reddening, “sorry…”

“No worries!” The blonde woman laughed and held out her hand. “You looked like you were deep in thought.”

“Em.” Lyn took the offered hand and allowed the woman to pull her to her feet. Shyly, she slid her hand free and glanced down at her feet. “I… I should be on my way…”

“Where you heading?” The blonde made no move to step out of her path. Instead, she stood with one hand still extended toward Lyn. “To class?”

Lyn shook her head. The blonde wore white sneakers with shoelaces that had violet and blue sparkles. Her blue jeans were plain as was her white shirt, but her blue jacket was lined with fur, and studded with embroidery. Quite an expensive jacket for a student. “Just walking,” Lyn admitted. She awkwardly fiddled with the cuffs of her leather jacket and tapped her left foot against the ground. This wasn’t something she was used to, for usually people ignored her. Especially those with expensive clothing, the kind Lyn enjoyed looking at but could never afford to buy.

“Hey, don’t look so shy!” The woman laughed again. “I’m Shari. Shari Kvard. How about you?”

“Lyn Kapatos.”

“Lyn Kapatos... that’s a cool name.” Shari held out her hand again. Reluctantly, Lyn shook it, then quickly slid her hand free and shoved it in her pocket. “So out walking, eh?" Shari continued, "You mind if I join you? I was just wandering about for some exercise.”

“Em. If you want.” Lyn glanced at her, and blinked at the woman’s simple beauty. Shari’s green eyes sparkled in the light of the setting sun, and her streamlined nose accentuated her sharp but smooth features. Her full lips upturned in a smile that showcased her straight white teeth, and dimples appeared in her rouge cheeks. Lyn quickly looked away unsettled by butterflies that smile gave her. It was just a walk. Maybe talking with this gal will clear her mind and help her focus on her studies tonight.

“Any particular place you’re heading?”

Lyn shook her head. She felt plain and short next to the tall, beautiful blonde. Her unruly if curly hair was pulled back in a ponytail from this morning, but a few locks had escaped and hung around her face like a veil. Her dark brown eyes were hooded by her thick eyebrows, and her dark skin made her stand out in a town whose majority had a much lighter shade. Ducking her head, she started walking again, this time with Shari at her side. It unnerved her, for she was used to being alone, yet at the same time, it was almost comforting.

“You been here long?”

“Em. Not really.” Lyn wasn’t sure how to respond to that question. Was Shari asking how long she’d been in town? Or at college in general?

“You a freshman then?”

“Junior."

“Ah. Transfer I take it.” Shari smiled brightly and placed a hand on Lyn’s shoulder. “I’m a junior as well. English major to be precise. Though I enjoy Japanese, Spanish, and German as well. And sports.” She laughed, a soft, rumbling chuckle. It was contagious almost, and Lyn found herself smiling faintly. Shari glanced at her. “What about you?”

“Music.” Lyn glanced at the trees that lined the street, each one swaying in the heavy wind. She brushed a lock of her hair from her eyes, and slid free from Shari’s grasp. The warm presence of the girl’s hand on her shoulder was a bit disconcerting.

“Oh, that’s awesome! Do you play an instrument? Sing?”

“Piano.” She felt obliged to avoid any misconceptions since she wasn't a performance major anymore. “But I’m music theory.”

“Ah.”

The whistle of the wind through the trees punctuated the sudden silence between them. Lyn wondered if she had said something wrong, but Shari’s smile was still present. Guess not. She looked away and kept her gaze focused on the sidewalk. Each crack they walked over, she began to count.

“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

The sudden question startled Lyn, and she slid to a stop. Shari stopped as well and glanced at her. “Em, it is.” Lyn shifted nervously from foot to foot. For the first time since her transfer, she realized just how lonely her time here was. Such feelings had come and gone, but now that she stood with someone genuinely interested in what she had to say, she wasn't able to push aside the loneliness like she usually did. Was Shari seeking her friendship? Or was this just a one time deal? She wasn’t sure how to ask without seeming presumptuous.

“Eh?” Shari raised her eyebrows. Her gaze seemed to bore into Lyn, like she could see into her soul and inner thoughts. “You’re really shy, aren’t you?”

Lyn blushed and looked down at her feet.

“Hey, it’s alright. Look, if you’d like to be left alone, just let me know, okay? I didn’t mean to intrude. Just thought, since we did run into each other, that we could maybe get to know one another. You know, make a new friend.”

At the word friend, Lyn’s head snapped upward and she stared at Shari. “Friend?”

Shari cocked her head to one side, puzzled. “Yeah. You alright?”

“Em, yes.” Lyn colored and looked down at her shoes again. “Just surprised. I…” She hunched her shoulders unsure whether to continue or not.

“I what?”

“Would like a friend,” Lyn blurted out before she lost her nerve.

Shari smiled warmly and lightly punched Lyn’s shoulder. “Alright, you’ve got one.” She received another shy smile from Lyn in return. “So… you want to finish our walk?”

“Okay.” This time Lyn fell into step beside Shari. The path led into a thick set of trees, which clustered around the banks of the river that flowed through the edge of town. The park was sparsely populated in the afternoon, where most students where at class, and it was at this time that Lyn most enjoyed its serene beauty. Walks here normally cleared her mind, but with Shari at her side, she found it hard to focus on the thick tree trunks and their heart-shaped leaves.

The path left the grove of trees and wandered along the banks of the river, whose waters lightly slapped the rocky shore. Lyn stole a glance at her new friend, and was glad to see the smile still present.

“It’s so beautiful today.” Shari laughed and held up her hands toward the cloudless sky. “Can you smell it? The sweet waters of time.”

“Em.” Lyn couldn’t really smell anything but a mixture of pine, maple, and fish. “Of time?”

“Sure.” Shari walked over to the nearest rock that jutted out into the water. “Water flows past us, and its journey covers miles. Takes time to do that. Time flowing by us. That’s what it makes me think of, you know?” She turned and smiled.

Lyn awkwardly shifted from foot to foot. Her smile was so endearing. It was hard not to stare. She looked down at her feet. “Never thought of it that way.”

Shari laughed. “Most don’t. I’m silly like that.” She turned to face the river and raised her arms to the sky with a happy sigh.

Timidly, Lyn edged onto the rock next to Shari and knelt on its rough, grey surface. The water flowed lazily past her, it’s color a bluish-green. She dipped her fingers into the water, and watched the tiny eddies that formed around them.

“Peaceful, isn’t it?” Shari squatted beside Lyn and curled her arms around her knees. The wind blew her blonde hair away from her face, and a smile twitched her lips as she glanced at the shy girl next to her.

“Em.” Lyn nodded. “I…” She swirled her fingers in the water. “Em, come here a lot.”

“Really? So do I!”

Startled, Lyn straightened, her fingers dripping water, as she glanced at her new friend. “You do?”

Shari nodded. “I call it my hideaway.” She laughed and twirled a finger in the water. “The rock’s a perfect place to sit and think. Timeless in a way.” She winked and flicked water Lyn’s way. It fell short and hit the rock between them.

Lyn smiled and nodded. “Do you… come here often?”

“Yes.” Shari abruptly stood and hopped to the rock on the other side of Lyn. “Ever hop the rocks? See how far out you can go?” She pointed to another rock that lay half submerged a few feet offshore.

Lyn shook her head. It had never occurred to her. She mostly came here to relax and read.

“One of my favorite things to do.” Shari hopped toward the rock, and landed on its edge. She tilted forward, but then righted herself. “See?” She turned and bowed. “A perfect jump.”

“Nice.” Lyn slid her hand under the water and lifted it upward to watch the droplets fall from her fingers and thumb. “Em, be careful?” She blushed unable to meet Shari’s gaze.

“Don’t worry about me!” Shari spun on her heel and jumped toward the next rock a little further downstream. “I do this all the time.” She hit the edge of the rock, but then her foot slipped. “Woah!” With a resounding splash, the woman vanished under the surface of the river.

“Shari!” Lyn jumped to her feet and scrambled over the rocks, closer to where she say Shari fall. To her relief, the woman sputtered to the surface and grabbed the rock she had missed.

“Hey, it’s alright.” She gasped and spat out some river water. “It happens sometimes.”

Lyn leaned forward, one hand firmly planted on her rock, the other outstretched toward Shari. “Em, here.”

“Thanks.” Shari pushed away from the mostly submerged rock and grasped Lyn’s hand. The current tugged briefly at her clothing, but then Lyn pulled Shari closer to the banks and into the eddy the cluster of submerged rocks had created. With her other hand, Shari grasped the edge of a rock and pulled herself onto the bank next to Lyn. She released Lyn’s hand and leaned forward, her hands pressed against her knees. “Forgot to lean forward. That usually tips me onto the rock.”

“Em.” Lyn awkwardly sat back on her heels. “You okay though?”

“I think so.” Shari pulled her feet out of the water and rested them in the sun. She winced as her right foot touched the hard surface. “Well, I think I twisted my ankle.”

Lyn frowned. “Not good. Em…” she hesitated and glanced back the way they had come. The path was shrouded in shadows, but sunlight inched through the thick leaves to leave patches of light atop the dirt. “Hey, maybe you should dry off?” She stood and offered her hands. “I live nearby.”

Shari smiled faintly as she grasped her hands and pulled herself to her feet. “Ah, it’s alright, Lyn. I’m just a little wet.” She tried to take a step toward the park trail, but she stumbled, pain etched on her face. Lyn grasped her arm to keep Shari from losing her balance and falling back against the rock. “Damn. It hurts worse than I thought.”

“My place,” Lyn said firmly. She slid Shari’s arm around her shoulders. “It’s not far.” The frown on Shari’s face troubled Lyn, and she wondered if she was being too pushy. “You’re hurt, and I… I do live…” her voice softened to a whisper, “by this park…”

Shari grimaced in pain. “Alright, you got me there. I’m on the other side of campus. You got a good plan, thanks.”

Lyn blushed at the praise. Gently, she led Shari around the trees toward the park path. Shari leaned heavily against her, their pace slow due to the blonde woman’s injury. The dirt path was empty, only a few insects fluttered amongst the fallen leaves and the branches that hung over the narrow trail. Their sneakers crunched on the dirt as they slowly made their way up the hill toward the apartment buildings at the edge of campus. Lyn carefully measured her breathing, for the touch of Shari’s hand on her arms was giving her the butterflies again.

“Algae," Shari said suddenly. "That’s why.”

Startled, Lyn glanced at the girl, and bit her lip at the closeness of Shari’s face. Troubled, she looked away. “Why what?” It came out as a harsh whisper.

“I forgot about the algae on those rocks.” Shari sighed. “Got too excited I guess.”

“Oh.” Lyn wasn’t sure what else to say. Only a few minutes ago they had just met, and now here they were, Shari wet and hurt, and Lyn confused and flustered. She just wanted to get Shari to a safe spot and get her into some dry clothes. Beyond that, she had no idea what would happen next. Maybe it was better not to think that far ahead.

The wind held a bitter tint and slammed against their forms as they left the shelter of the trees. Lyn could feel the woman shivering next to her. “Almost there,” she whispered. Shari grunted in reply as the pair stepped onto the sidewalk that led to Lyn’s apartment.

It was all happening too fast. She had just met the girl, yet here Shari sat, in her tiny apartment, with Rumi already rubbing against her legs. Yes, they had agreed to be friends, but Lyn still found it all bewildering, for none of it made sense. She sighed and pressed the bandage against Shari’s ankle, which had started bleeding half way up the stairs to her apartment. Most of the blood had been washed away when Lyn had quietly insisted that Shari take a shower and change into some dry clothes. None of Lyn’s clothing fit, so she had to give Shari her bathrobe and take the wet clothes to the dryer in the basement of the apartment building and dry them.

“You are an adorable kitty, aren’t you?” Shari smiled at Rumi, who promptly jumped into her lap. Shari’s fingers stroked his fur, and his purr seemed to echo in the small room. “And this is such a cozy place, Lyn.”

“Mmm…” Lyn pressed the bandage against the wound, taped it in place, then stepped backward toward her desk. The sight of Shari clothed only in her blue bathrobe, her legs showing due to the short length, their skin smooth and a light tan, troubled Lyn greatly, and it was hard to not look at the blonde’s innate beauty. She shivered and placed her hand over her eyes, her elbow against the desktop. It was more than just Shari’s beauty that haunted Lyn, and those thoughts she tried hard to push from her mind. They weren’t healthy, she knew this. Think of something different other than her new friend sitting on her bed wearing only a bathrobe.

Shari lightly touched the bandage. “Thanks. That should stop the bleeding.”

Lyn nodded and dropped her hand beside the homework she had been working on before her walk. She wasn’t sure what to say, for Shari’s presence in her room left her tongue-tied and nervous.

“You’re uncomfortable.” Shari sighed. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean for all this to happen when I bumped into you.”

“What?” Lyn stared at her. “I… I bumped into you!” She blushed at her outburst and looked down at her hands. Her music theory book peeked out from under the mess of worksheets she had dumped there during her search for bandages.

“No. I purposely bumped into you. Although I didn’t mean to knock you off your feet. I’m sorry about that.”

“Purposely?” Lyn glanced at Shari, who sat with her legs crossed on her bed. Rumi still purred in her lap, his head pushing against the woman’s hand so she would continue stroking his soft fur. Thoughts swirled in her head, but none of them made the least bit sense. Lyn was certain they had never met.

Shari nodded. “We have the same culture class. I sit behind you. Wanted to talk to you, but you’re too fast for me.” She smiled and shrugged. “When I saw you out walking, I thought I’d say hello, but you didn’t notice me, so I bumped into you.” Her face flushed a light pink. “Sorry about knocking you over and me falling in that river. I’m not normally so clumsy.”

It was a cute blush, for it heightened the blue of her eyes. Lyn bit her lip, looked down at her music homework, and desperately tried to avert her thoughts. “It’s alright,” she said softly. It had never occurred to her that anyone would be the slight bit interested in befriending her in any of her classes. She wasn’t here for a social life; she was here only to learn and then get out. That had been part of her promise. All of this was a test for her. Part of her healing, as her parents had called it.

“Rumi likes you.” It was a silly comment, but Lyn couldn’t stand the silence. She had no idea what to say, and looking at Shari only enhanced her troubling feelings. “He.. he’s usually pretty picky.”

Shari laughed softly as her fingers slid through his black fur. “I feel quite honored.”

She felt her lips tug upward in a smile. Hearing Shari’s laugh had warmed her greatly. Was that just the warmth of friendship? It had to be. Lyn couldn’t afford for it to be anything else. She brushed a curl behind her ear and glanced at her alarm clock at the edge of her desk. “Your clothes should be dry.” She smiled faintly and stood. “I… I’ll get them.” Before Shari could reply, Lyn strode out of the room and shut the door behind her.

Her heart was beating fast like she had been running. The symptoms had to be just excitement from the crazy happenings today. A new friend, then that crazy fall in the river, and her friend in her room. Lyn shivered and walked down the stairs two at a time.

The laundry room was directly below her little apartment, just to the left of the stairwell. One of the other tenants was inside, humming to her ipod as she filled one of the washing machines. She waved her hand distractedly at Lyn, who smiled shyly and flicked her fingers in a greeting. None of the tenants actually spoke to her, but each of them always waved when they saw her. It was comforting if lonesome at the same time.

Just as she thought, third to last dryer was off, the clothes now dry. She gathered the clothing in her arms and silently walked back up the stairs and to her room. The warmth from the dry clothes seeped through her shirt, and suddenly, she had the urge to cry. A part of her, a large part, didn’t want Shari to leave. The apartment would feel empty, even more empty than before, once the woman left for her own home. But Lyn knew that asking someone she just met, no matter if they shared a class, to stay was crazy and it would break her promise. She couldn’t afford that.

“Shari?” Lyn pushed the door open and knocked it shut with her foot. “Here.” She walked to where Shari still sat on the bed with Rumi in her lap and placed the clothing next to her.

“Thanks.” Shari smiled, her blue eyes glistening in the dim apartment lights. Lyn turned away and walked into her kitchen. Her stomach ached, but she wasn’t sure if it was from lack of dinner or Shari’s presence.

“Rumi!” Lyn called, “let our guest dress.” She whistled a snippet of the piano’s part from Chadwick’s Symphonic fantasy, the one song her cat had consistently purred along whenever she had practiced her part. As usual, Rumi darted into the kitchen and meowed as he curled around her legs, for to him, this song meant not only fellowship but food.

Pulling open the cabinet above the sink, Lyn grabbed a can of cat food. With a flick of her wrist, she jerked the lid off, dropped it in the trashcan beneath the sink, and dumped the food into Rumi’s empty food bowl. She alternated between dry and wet food, and today was Rumi’s treat day. He especially loved the tuna mixture.

“What were you whistling?”

Lyn dropped the can into the trash. “Aphrodite, Chadwick’s Symphonic fantasy.”

“Sounds pretty.” Shari leaned against the kitchen table and smiled. “You like classical music.”

She shrugged. “Played it once.”

“In a concert?”

Lyn shook her head. That had been the plan, but in the end, her fear of the stage proved too great, and the girl, whom she had asked to play with her, had to perform alone. She had been supposed to perform his “Two caprices” as well, but had been unable to set foot on stage.

“Wasn’t able.” She sighed and glanced at Shari, glad to see her back in her clothes and out of the alluring bathrobe. “Em, your ankle.” She frowned. “Can you walk?”

“Of course.” Shari laughed. “Now you’re starting to sound like a mother.” She took a step to the left, but winced as she put weight on her injured ankle. “Well, I can walk, for the most part.”

“Em.” Lyn knew she couldn’t let the Shari leave without doing something for the ankle. She turned and opened the cabinet next to the sink and pulled out her first aid kit she always kept fully stocked. It wasn’t much but a wrap could ease the pain for her new friend. “Here.” Lyn held it up for Shari to see. “Sit.”

Shari smiled and pulled a chair away from the kitchen table. She stretched out her leg and winced again when she straightened her ankle. Lyn silently applied the wrap and snapped it into place. “Too tight?”

“Don’t think so. Feels good actually. Thanks!”

Lyn leaned back against her heels. “Em. Shari, please…” She cleared her throat nervously. “Please see someone.. if it still hurts… you know?”

“Alright. I’ll give it three days. Is that enough?”

She wasn’t sure if the woman was annoyed or not. It was hard to tell from her playful tone of voice. Lyn nodded and stood, absently brushing off her knees in the process. “It’s late. Em, you have homework?”

“Some. You?”

Lyn gestured to the pile on her desk. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Shari’s piercing gaze. Her stomach felt like it was twisting in on itself. It was best if Shari just left, but part of her didn’t want that at all. It was troubling.

“Okay. I probably should head home anyway. Haven’t even started my essay for our class.” She stood and winked. “Procrastination is one of my talents.”

Lyn smiled faintly. The essay she had finished long ago mostly to get it out of the way. “Tomorrow?” The word escaped her lips, and she wasn’t even sure what she was asking.

“Of course!” Shari limped to the door and pulled her shoes onto her feet. She stooped to tie her laces. “Do you have a class before ours?” When Lyn shook her head, Shari grinned. “Great! I can meet you here and walk with you there. How about that?”

“Sure.”

“Awesome!” Straightening, she turned the doorknob and glanced back at Lyn. “Thanks, Lyn, for… you know.” To Lyn’s surprise, Shari leaned forward and suddenly hugged her. The sudden touch ignited a flare of warmth in Lyn’s cheeks, and for a second she was tempted to bury her head in the woman’s shoulder and just stay there.

Quickly, Lyn pulled away and waved her hand at her. “Welcome.” She forced a smile. “See you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow it is!” Shari slid through the doorway and quietly shut the door behind her. The sudden silence in the room was almost deafening. Tears pricked the edges of her eyes, but Lyn blinked them away, locked the door, and stiffly sat down at her desk. She straightened her papers, skimmed her notes, and tried to work on her assignments, but she couldn’t focus on any of the music or diagrams. Once again the lack of concentration defeated her. She shoved her homework under her book and jumped to her feet. The tree outside her window shimmered in the light of the setting sun, and upset by the sight that had first lured her outside, she jerked her curtains shut.

“Rumi!” Lyn sat at the edge of her bed and buried her head in her arms. She heard the soft meow of her cat as he leapt onto the bed next to her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop thinking about Shari. How the tall blonde had curled her arms around her and hugged her close. The press of her breasts against her own, the warmth of her breath against her shoulder. At that moment, she had wanted nothing more than for Shari to hold her forever, to feel her lips against her own, her fingers against her skin. It had been overwhelming.

But more importantly, it proved that everything she had done was for nothing.

“Rumi, it’s back.” She slid her fingers through her cat’s black fur as the tears stung the edges of her eyes. “After all that, it’s still here.” She choked back a strangled sob. She didn’t want to go back to that place. The people there had scared her, and the rigid conformity had nearly driven her crazy. Her only solace had been the piano in the common room. If they had taken that away, she felt positive she would have lost her mind. Everything had been so carefully monitored. Even the concert had been allowed only for the potential healing of the platonic friendship she exhibited with the girl, but that had failed with her fear of public performances. It was the first time her parents had admitted that perhaps a change in environment would aid in her recovery, but even that hadn’t worked. She had hated the private college the program sent her too, and was only allowed to come here with the promise that included extended contact. Tomorrow was the day the program leaders would call her, and now that she had met Shari, she was afraid to even speak her name to them.

Fur brushed against her cheek. She smiled shakily through her tears as her beloved cat placed his front paws against her shoulder and rubbed his cheek against her own. It was as if he was telling her to calm down, to relax. She closed her eyes and stroked his head as his soft fur rubbed against her cheek. His purrs vibrated his throat providing comfort but doing little to ease the great pain in her heart.

Shivering, she fell back against her covers, and pressed her head against her pillow. Rumi walked across the blankets and curled up on her pillow, next to her head. He brushed his head against her cheek, still purring loudly. Closing her eyes, she stroked his soft fur, her fingers trembling.

The memory was so clear, almost like it was happening all over again. Lyn sat at the edge of a short cot, two more filled the room, and both were occupied by sleeping girls. She stood and wrapped her blanket around her shoulders and walked out of the room into the main lounge area. One window was partly open, and the cold air trickled through the opening. She padded over to it and shut it with a snap.

“Cold wake you?”

She jumped and turned to see Bart standing in the doorway to the men’s quarters. Timidly, she nodded. He smiled wanly. “Lyn, is there something else troubling you? It’s been a long time since anyone has heard you talk.”

What could she say? Her parents had sent her to this place, enrolled her in this program, and forced her to abide by its rules all against her will. She had no say in the matter. Already she had come to hate it here. Sure, they said they were here to help her combat her attractions to girls, but none of it seemed to be helping. It only made her more and more depressed. The therapy, the worship services, the carefully monitored activities to aid in building healthy friendships, none of them eased the deep pain in her heart. She wasn’t changing like the program promised.

“Is it because you’re still having the attractions?”

Lyn looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to admit yes, for that would admit she was a failure.

“Hey.” Bart walked to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not easy, you know. They say you can change, but it takes a long time. You know, Mike, the leader? It took him six years.”

“What… what if you don’t ever change?” Lyn whispered.

Bart laughed softly. “Talk like that and you won’t. You have to believe you’ll change, and then well, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’ll happen.”

She had tried to believe. Tried hard, but believing she could change still hadn’t taken away the attractions, even after a two years in the program, and a year at that private college. Lyn shivered and pulled her blankets around herself. It would be five years now that she’s been struggling with this, but the more she struggled the more torn she felt. Her parents were positive the program was helping her heal, but it seemed to her that it only caused more damage. She wanted to believe she could change, and tried hard to believe, but the attractions hadn’t left. Her time with Shari proved this painfully. Tomorrow Bart or Mike would call her, she was never sure which one since they often switched, and a few times they had Alice, the leader of the women’s dorms, call. Either way, she was bound by her promise to tell them everything she had done, and that included Shari. She shut her eyes and buried her face in her pillow. She didn’t want to think of what would happen if they banned her from seeing Shari.

Shari leaned her crutches against the wall and settled her injured foot on a chair. Leaning back against the wall, she grinned at Lyn, who sat at the piano. “You know, this is a wonderful idea. What are you going to play?”

Lyn shrugged. She never really knew. Once she started her exercises and worked a bit on her assigned songs, she let her imagination fly and her fingers take her where they would. Though with Shari here, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to do that. When she practiced at the dorms in the program, she could only let her imagination go when she was completely alone. If anyone entered the room to listen, she balked and some old song she had long ago memorized would trickle from her fingers.

Today was different. She felt electrified with Shari in the same room with her. All through class she had struggled to keep her eyes focused on the lectern and the PowerPoint presentation, but despite her tight control, she kept glancing at Shari’s lean form. Her tight, boot-cut jeans and her loose T-shirt, which barely hid her breasts. The way her hair was parted to one side and pooled at the base of her graceful neck, her aquiline nose, full lips, and her clear blue eyes which seemed to take in everything. Lyn knew she was smitten, and she knew this was against the rules, but at the moment, she didn’t want to let go of the blissful feeling it gave her. It had been a long time since she felt even remotely happy.

“Don’t know?”

Lyn smiled shyly. It was nice how Shari carried on the conversation despite her lack of answer. “Em. Exercises… to warm up.” She positioned her fingers on the keys and ran through the first set of her exercises, but her fingers were jittery. No, this wasn’t going to work. Exercises constrained her too much. Her emotions were brimming, and she needed an outlet desperately. She couldn’t release them through speech, nor through action, for she was afraid she might try to kiss Shari’s full lips, and that definitely would ruin everything she had worked so hard to attain. No, it had to be released through music before it ate away her insides and drove her crazy.

Fingers danced across the keys as she leaned forward unleashing the rising tide of emotion. She closed her eyes and pounded out her heartache and pain into the depths of her melodies, the harmony rising in sharp counterpoint. As the notes clashed, the chords turned minor, her fear and frustration crept into the ringing tones. Each moment when she hid in her shell and lost a friend flashed into the rising tide of arpeggios. Each time she fell silent for weeks because of the pain in her heart became too much to bear fought against the major chords that kept appearing like a bastion of hope amongst the pain and despair that had ruled her life for so long.

A shiver passed through her body, and her fingers abruptly stilled. The sudden silence was almost deafening and she rubbed her ears. Her cheeks felt wet, and when she shakily touched them, she realized she had been crying. Arms suddenly encircled her, and there was Shari, who had silently listened to her musical rampage, yet still had said nothing in response to her sudden outpouring of emotions. The sudden touch startled Lyn, but at the same time broke through her carefully built wall, and she felt the sobs shaking her body. Her eyes closed and she leaned into Shari’s warm body, her face buried in the woman’s shoulder. Shari’s hand gently stroked Lyn’s mass of curls, her cheek against the top of Lyn’s head.

“I’m sorry,” Lyn whispered. She shivered and pulled away. Although she yearned to wrap her arms around Shari and not let go, she knew that she couldn’t. Already this had gone far enough. Wasn’t she supposed to be healing here? Here she was next to a beautiful woman, whom she was powerfully attracted to, and yet she wasn’t abiding by the rules. She was falling into temptation. “I… I don’t know what came over me.”

Shari’s fingers brushed against Lyn’s cheek. Lyn froze and stared into Shari’s blue eyes. “It’s alright.” It seemed as if she said it more to reassure Lyn than to respond to the apology. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I feel honored.”

“Em. Welcome.” Lyn looked down at her hands, tightly clenched into fists in her lap. Shari’s hand dropped to Lyn’s knee, and the touch not only warmed Lyn, but troubled her greatly. They had just met, and here she was already physical and yearning to kiss her. Wasn’t this why she was sent to the program in the first place? To cleanse herself from these attractions? To be healed? She had gone through the program, graduated from it, and now was on her own, only monitored through phone call and an occasional visit, and already she was falling astray? She had carefully prayed, read the scriptures, even attended that loud service at the Church down the street with the band that had its bass turned too high and the singers off-key. Just as they taught her, but it only pushed her further from her faith, and tore apart her heart. This moment with Shari had felt like sunlight after years of rain, but already the clouds were returning, for this was wrong. How many times had they drilled that into her? This was wrong; God didn’t make us this way. They had sprouted that over and over again, along with the usual, God loves you sappy platitudes. It had only been two days and already she had fallen hard for Shari. A part of her was terrified to discover what her friend may think, especially after her barrage of emotions that tore through her attempt to practice piano. The other part desperately wished to hold onto Shari, for when she was with her, she felt almost happy.

“Hey, Lyn.” Shari’s hands wrapped around her own, which snapped Lyn’s awareness back into the moment. “Are you alright?”

“Em.” What could she say? Silence had been her ally before, it seemed best to fall back on it now. She shrugged and forced a trembling smile. Maybe if she played some caprices, her sudden conflicted feelings would dissipate. Yet she found that she didn’t want to remove her hands from the warmth of Shari’s.

“You know, when I first saw you, I figured you had a story to tell. Something that might be a bit dark too.” Shari paused, but Lyn didn’t dare trust herself to reply. “You have this look. Look of steel I thought. Like nothing bothered you. Yet. Your eyes. They hold great sorrow.” She let out a strangled laugh. “Here I am sounding all poetic now. Okay, how about we quit and grab a bite to eat?”

Relief flooded Lyn’s veins. Anything to escape the emotions that the piano had unleashed. She nodded and reluctantly slid her hands free.

Ice cream.  It had been Shari’s idea.  She had feigned shock when she learned Lyn hadn’t eaten ice cream in months.  Not since her parents treated her after the leaders told them how much she had progressed in her healing.  She felt slightly guilty for indulging in the treat with Shari, especially after the potent moment in the practice room, but Shari’s exuberance was addictive.  Lyn couldn’t help but smile and let the woman lead the way. 

Lyn raised an eyebrow. 

“Honest!” Shari leaned forward and stabbed her sundae with the spoon.  “I could poke you from a good five feet with these suckers!”  She laughed.  “And trip you too.”

A smile tugged at the edge of Lyn’s lips.  That ray of sunshine she had felt in the practice room was slowly creeping back. 

Shari slapped the table and grinned.  “Hey, I got a smile!  I’m on a roll here.” 

“Roll with butter?”  The question bounced out of Lyn’s mouth before she could pull it back. 

At first, Shari just stared, but then the laughter erupted from somewhere deep in her abdomen.  “A pun!  Oh, this is priceless, Lyn.  Here I was worried you didn’t have a sense of humor.” 

A wisp of a giggle escaped Lyn’s lips. 

“A giggle,” Shari breathed in awe.  “This is wonderful!”  She flashed her grin that never ceased to melt Lyn’s insides.  “I must remember this.  Ice cream and giggles go together.” 

Lyn smiled faintly and shyly took another bite of her ice cream.  Shari had been like this all during lunch, where she had a hamburger, and Lyn a simple salad.  The ice cream had been impulsive on Shari’s part, but Lyn was glad Shari had asked, for it always had been her favorite treat. 

“This day.”  Shari stretched her arms and with a sigh, leaned back in her chair.  “It is beautiful, you know?  Blue skies, hardly a cloud to be seen.  Sharing time with you.”  She tapped her spoon against the side of her sundae glass.  “I almost expect something to go wrong.  Like yesterday.  Gosh, that fall in the river.  So unexpected.”  She laughed, placed her elbows on the table, and leaned her chin against her palms.  “You know, I’ve been thinking.” 

“That safe?”  Again the quip just escaped.  Lyn’s face grew hot and she busied herself with her strawberry ice cream. 

“Wonderful!”  Shari laughed and slapped her knee.  “Really.  You’re quick on the puns.”  She nudged her with her elbow, and Lyn just ducked her head in embarrassment.  “But yeah, I was thinking about your cat.  You visit him before class?” 

Lyn nodded. 

“And it’s almost one-thirty now.”   Shari’s hand shot out and grabbed Lyn when she jerked upright and almost bounded from her chair.  “Hey now, don’t be so worried!  I was thinking I could catsit.  You know, keep Rumi company and do some homework while you’re in class.” 

The suggestion caught Lyn off guard.  She had felt guilty every time she left for class since Rumi was all alone in the apartment, and the offer eased her frame of mind.  Rumi would love the company.  But was it safe?  She knew what Bart would say, “Don’t open the door to temptation, girl.”   Yet, she liked the idea.  “Em.  Sure.”  She twirled her spoon and watched the cream mix against the real strawberries embedded inside it.  “Usually eat alone with Rumi.” 

“Eat alone?”  Shari pressed her hand against her mouth in mock horror.  “Lyn, this simply cannot continue.  I shall have to take you to dinner tonight.”  She smiled and hummed happily as if pleased with herself.  “Yes, I shall.  And we can bring home a treat for Rumi too.” 

Lyn opened her mouth and then closed it.  Once again everything was happening too fast.  Shari moved at such a whirlwind pace, and though Lyn felt she couldn’t keep up, Shari gently tugged her into place at her side.  “Em.”  She knew that later when the call came she would regret all of this, but for the moment, all she could do was nod and just enjoy. 

“Great!”  Shari leaned toward Lyn, that heart-melting grin on her face.  “So now we need a battle plan.  You got class at two, right?” 

Lyn nodded.

“Sweet.”  Tapping the edge of her spoon against her glass, Shari hummed to herself.  “Alright, then I’ll drop you off at class and head straight to your apartment.  Some homework in my bag, so I won’t be bored.  No worries there.  When you get back?”

The bombardment of words dazzled Lyn.  She definitely felt overwhelmed by Shari’s endless energy.  “Six.” 

“Heh. Long day.  Any breaks?”  When Lyn shook her head, Shari snorted.  “That’s college for you.  Okay, so how about this.  Want me to order out?  I can time it so it’d be ready when you walk in the door.” 

“Sure.”  This was crazy.  Pure insanity, but she liked it.  The idea of coming home to food and a friend was mind-boggling and heart-warming at the same time.  “Keys.”  Lyn dug into her pocket and pulled out her apartment keys.  She gently placed them in Shari’s hands. 

“So we’ve got the plan.”  Shari winked and abruptly slung her arm around Lyn’s shoulders.  She tilted her head to one side and glanced at Lyn.  “You sure about this?  For if you think I’m jumping the gun, I can hightail it out of here and appear at your apartment in time for dinner.” 

The sudden suggestion caught Lyn even more off guard than the first introduction of the plan.  She met Shari’s concerned gaze, and this time she felt more than tongue-tied.  The urge to kiss the woman was overwhelming, and she quickly looked away.  “Rumi likes company.”  She took a deep breath.  “And I… I trust you.”  The words surprised her, but then after the practice room, it was obvious she trusted Shari, for she never would have played the way she did if she hadn’t. 

Shari gently squeezed her shoulders.  “Thank you.”  Her other hand tenderly tucked a strand of Lyn’s hair behind her ear.  “Lyn, really.  I mean it.  Thank you.  I know we’ve just met, but well, maybe this’ll sound a bit crazy.”  She laughed self-consciously. 

“Crazy?” Lyn whispered.  Shari’s touch was giving her goosebumps, but what surprised her the most was the smudge of peace that tickled her spirit.  She hadn’t felt this at ease with anyone for over five years.  Maybe even longer.

Shari nodded.  “A bit.  You see, when I first saw you, I wondered.  I’m a curious gal by nature, and well, your sorrowful eyes and look of steel is a total contrast.”  She shook her head and chuckled.  “Here I am getting all poetic again.  But it’s the truth.  So I thought, I’ll be friends with you!  But you’re hard to pin down.  Then I had a dream.  A dream with you in it.”  The sudden seriousness of her usual playful voice drew Lyn’s gaze back to Shari’s face, and she was surprised to see her friend’s eyes glisten with tears.  “I swear, that night, God was telling me I had to talk with you.  And then, boom! Next day there you were on that walk.”  She sighed and rubbed her left eyebrow.  “I still feel bad for knocking you over though.” 

Lyn had no idea what to say.  Shari believed in God as well?  Then maybe everything would be alright.  The leaders couldn’t force her to cut off a fellow believer.  Her thoughts had distracted her, and before she realized what was happening, Shari had leaned forward and brushed her lips against Lyn’s forehead.  Shocked, she jerked away and stared at Shari, who met her gaze silently.  She opened her mouth and then closed it, words unable to form.

Her friend winced.  “I’m sorry.”  She slid her arm free and placed her hands on the table, the keys to the apartment jingling in her hands.  “I didn’t mean…” 

“It’s alright.”  Lyn quickly said.  She bent over and grabbed her backpack.  Sliding out of her chair, she settled it on her back and gave Shari a faint smile.  “Rumi’ll be glad to see you.”  She didn’t give herself a chance to hear the woman’s response.  Instead, she turned and dashed out of the ice cream parlor.

Her fingers brushed the piano keys. It was nearing the end of her lesson, but Lyn just couldn’t concentrate on her scherzo. The kiss Shari had planted on her forehead kept interfering with her concentration. She glanced at the clock for the fifth time that hour. She still had thirty minutes until six.

“Lyn.” Her professor sighed and tapped her on the shoulder. “Something troubles you. You are usually quite focused for lessons.”

She nodded, ashamed. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t focus on her piece, and the notes tumbled together in a mess of sound. She had practiced the scherzo for weeks now, and she knew she could play it flawlessly, but today her fingers just wouldn’t cooperate.

He pulled his chair closer to her bench and leaned forward, his hands between his legs. “You know this piece. Both you and I know this. You played it flawlessly just last Friday.” His clear green eyes bored into her own, and she felt like he could see past her silence to the turmoil that ravaged her soul. “The concert is a week from today. You need to keep practicing. Whatever troubles you is hindering this.”

Lyn nodded silently and focused on his black boots that were half hidden by his brown khakis. Each of her classes had gone badly. She couldn’t focus on the lecture, and in the discussion just before this lesson, she had spent the majority of it staring out the window. Now here she sat unable to play a song she knew by heart. She didn’t even need the music sheets anymore, and both her and the professor knew this.

With a sigh, he rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. His graying brown hair hung over his ears and a few strands fell against his long, crooked nose. “How about we cut this short, but on one condition.” He dropped his hand onto his knee and leaned toward her with a frown. “You must seek help for whatever distracts you so that it no longer hinders you as it has today. Deal?” He held out his hand.

She stared at it and wondered if that was possible. Shari was distracting her. The phone call that loomed over her head distracted her. The idea of playing anything in front of an audience, no matter how good her professor said she was, distracted her. Wasn’t this apart of her promise as well? She couldn’t hide in the shadows; Bart had asked her to at least try to reach out to others. To give herself a chance to heal, and his suggestion was digging deeper into the world of music. The professor was giving her a chance with this concert. She straightened and shook his hand, determined to at least try.

“Good.” He smiled and patted her on the shoulder. “You have talent, Lyn. Don’t let it go to waste. Keep practicing. Continue writing music. And if you ever need any help, you can talk with me. If needed, I can refer you to others that can help you deal with whatever troubles you as well.”

Lyn smiled shyly. “Thank you,” she whispered. She stood and grabbed her backpack. “Tomorrow.”

Her professor smiled wanly. “Yes, see you in class tomorrow.” She nodded in response and hurried out of his office. As the door shut behind her, she trembled and pulled her backpack straps over her shoulders. It was time to head home to Shari and Rumi. The idea excited and scared her all at once.

By the time she exited the music building, the sun was low on the horizon. Lyn slid her hands into her pockets and walked quickly through the bustling sidewalks. The crowds between classes had thinned as the day crept forward, but the amount of students always surprised her. After a year and a half in the program and then part of a year at the small college, she had adjusted to seeing the same people again and again between classes. It had disturbed her greatly, for it felt like all of them were spying on her, waiting for her to mess up. Here at the university she had anonymity for it was rare to see the same person twice during her walks, and she liked this much better than the endless scrutiny at the smaller college. Another reason she didn’t want to jeopardize her time here.

“Hey, Lyn!”

Startled from her thoughts, Lyn slid to a stop and turned to see Ana, the girl from her music classes running toward her. She slid to a stop, breathless in front of Lyn. Leaning forward, she planted her palms against her dark blue jeans, her jacket tightly zipped and bunching around her waist. On her back, her black backpack hung loosely, one zipper not quite zipped all the way, the edge of a book poked out of the opening. “Hey, you walk too fast. Didn’t you hear me calling?”

Lyn shook her head. She must have been too involved with her thoughts.

“That’s alright.” Ana smiled and brushed a lock of her light brown hair out of her hazel eyes. “Just wondering. Are you going to Wednesday’s service?”

“I guess.” It wasn’t as if she had a choice in the matter. She had to go in order to honor her promise. The program expected her to go to the services as often as possible in order to stay focused on Jesus. She went as ordered, but many a time she wasn’t able to focus on anything other than the poor musicianship.

“Cool.” Ana started to walk, and Lyn automatically fell in step with her. “I’m thinking about starting a bible study. You interested at all?”

“Em.” Bart would be delighted if she joined a bible study. He would see it as her making friends here, and it probably would be more helpful than the services. There wouldn’t be that noisy band to distract her. “I guess so.”

“You guess?” Ana sighed. “Lyn, you’re never excited for anything. I have yet to see you smile too, and we’ve known each other for how long? Four months?”

“Three.”

“Whatever. I don’t even see you smile at the services. Sometimes you look even pained. Is the music really that bad?”

Lyn wasn’t sure how to answer the question without hurting the woman’s feelings. “Em… I guess.”

“You guess this, guess that.” Ana stopped and faced Lyn with her hands on her hips. “How do you really feel? Honestly?”

The blunt question startled her, and Lyn awkwardly looked at her feet. “Em. I don’t know.” She slid her hands into her pockets and hunched her shoulders. “Don’t like the band. More noisy than musical.”

“Who? The band?”

“Yes.” Lyn squeezed her hands into fists and wished Ana would just leave her alone. “They play to be loud. Not to play music. The bass guitar is always out of tune, the drummer off the beat for most of the song, and the singer warbles too much. It’s not a performance. It’s a worship service – the singer isn’t supposed to perform. Just lead the audience.”

Ana’s eyes widened and a smile pierced her face. “Wow. That’s the most I’ve heard you say in one sitting!” A blush trickled through Lyn’s face. “Hey, don’t look abashed. I sort of agree with you on that. The band is pretty awful, but at least they’re trying, you know? That’s something.”

Lyn shrugged. For her, there was no point to the band if they didn’t give it their best, and she knew they weren’t. If they had, at the very least their instruments would be in tune.

“Would you smile if the band was in tune, on the beat, and leading the audience properly?”

“Maybe.”

Ana laughed. “I thought as much. It’s cool, really, how dedicated and music oriented you are. I wish I was more like that. I try hard, but I can’t quite hear the details of a song like you can. And that’s pretty cool.”

Lyn blushed again. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Ana jerked her thumb at the stoplight. “You headed to the dorms?”

She shook her head. “Apartments.”

“Oh.” Ana frowned. “That reminds me. I saw you with Shari Kvard today. You friends with her?”

Lyn nodded.

“Don’t get too involved with her. You know what the pastor said last Wednesday – sometimes friends can lead us into temptation. And she has been known to party.”

“Party?” Lyn felt bewildered by the accusations. “How do you know this?”

“My roommate saw her at the bars a few times last semester. That’s all.” Ana shrugged. “One of them a gay bar.”

Lyn had no idea what to say to this. She simply frowned and clenched her fists tighter. Was Ana telling the truth? She barely knew the girl. They had only a few music classes together, and occasionally saw each other at the services. Sometimes Ana had invited Lyn to sit with her.

“Well, I need to head back, so I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” Ana smiled and waved as she turned to cross the street. Lyn watched her cross and wondered if Ana was a spy from the program or if she truly wanted to be her friend and was just concerned. Lyn didn’t know, and it troubled her greatly.

The door to her apartment clicked open and as she stepped inside, she was startled by a sudden shout.

“Lyn!”

She blinked at the sight of Shari sitting at her dinner table with a content Rumi in her lap. Her bright smile was on, and as usual it gave Lyn butterflies. She smiled weakly and shut the door behind her. Sliding off her shoes, she walked over to the table, pulled out a chair, and sat. Her bag dropped to the floor and she sighed. “Hey.” She couldn’t stop thinking about Ana’s warning. “Saw a girl from class.”

“Oh?” Shari stroked Rumi’s fur and smiled encouragingly. “What’d she say?”

“Not much. Talked about Wednesday’s services. And then mentioned you.” Lyn rested her elbow on the table and her chin on her hand.

“Really.” Shari frowned and tapped her chin. Rumi butted his head against her motionless hand, and Shari giggled. “Okay, Rumi, I’ll pet you some more.” The cat purred loudly when Shari resumed her stroking. “What’d she have to say about me?”

Nervously, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Em.” Her left leg pulsated up and down. “Said you went to bars last semester.” She abruptly stood and began to pace. “Gay bars.” The warning troubled her even more now that she was with Shari. A part of her really wanted to be with Shari, and not just as friends. But she knew that wasn’t right. Especially if Ana was right and Shari dealt with homosexuality as well. She spun on her heel and faced Shari, who had been patiently waiting and stroking Rumi. “Are you…?” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

Shari’s lips dipped downward as her brows furrowed. “Am I what? I’m not sure what you’re asking, Lyn.”

Lyn wasn’t entirely sure herself what she was asking. Agitated, she began to pace again. “Gay bars. Why there?”

Shari shrugged. “One of my suitemates and her friends wanted to go. I tagged along to see what it was like. They got drunk, and I had to take care of four drunk and puking girls. Wasn’t much fun.” She sighed and shook her head. “They wandered from bar to bar – gay, straight, whatever was open. I got tired of it after a month and a half. That’s pretty much it.”

“Oh.” Lyn increased her pace. “Shari… em. Are we…” She felt confused. Her feet moved along the kitchen tiles, from the edge of the tiles back to the table. She slid to a stop in front of Shari and spread her hands apart imploringly. “We’re friends, right?”

“Yeah.” The frown had returned. “Lyn, why does that upset you so?”

The question stopped her short. Why did it? Perhaps it was because of what today was. “The phone call,” she whispered. “It’s today. And… I promised.”

“Promised what?” Shari’s tone dropped into a whisper as well.

“To tell them everything.” Lyn shivered and turned toward Shari. “Including what you and Ana said.”

“About me visiting that gay bar once?”

Lyn nodded miserably. “They won’t like that.” Shari had explained it away, but Lyn knew that Bart and Mike would take it seriously. They would ban her from being friends with Shari, for it would be too great of a temptation. Was it? There was no doubt that she was very much attracted to Shari, and there had been moments when Shari seemed to reciprocate. Yet, she still had no idea how Shari felt about all of this. She had asked to be friends when they first met, and Shari agreed. Would that be enough to convince Mike and Bart that she could keep the friendship?

“Lyn?” Hands gripped her shoulders as Shari’s face suddenly came into view. “You’re white as a sheet, girl. Please, will you tell me who this “them” is? For if they’re hurting you…”

“No, no not hurting.” Lyn vigorously shook her head. “They’re helping.”

Shari raised her eyebrows. “Lyn, you looked terrified for a bit there. Don’t think their helping is good if you’re so scared about it.”

She was right. Fear always accompanied the calls. Lyn shivered again and laid her head against Shari’s shoulder. She felt her friend’s arms curl around her body, the warmth giving her a brief comfort. Every time she thought of the program and her promise, she felt so helpless and lost. Praying seemed so fruitless. She felt so far from God, and had ever since her parents had insisted she enter the program. Bart had told her over and over again she had to believe she would change, and then it’d happen. She’d tried so hard, yet she felt only more and more trapped.

“You wanna talk about it?” Shari’s breath tickled the top of her left ear.

“Em.” Lyn pulled away and shuffled her feet embarrassed. “Not really.” Rumi was at her side, his dark eyes staring up at her. He placed his paws against her pant leg, and meowed. It sounded eerily like a question. He always did this before the weekly phone call. “Rumi…” She reached down and stroked his head. “You know I have to do this.” He meowed again and bumped his head against her hand. She felt like crying. “You always do this.” She shook her head and tickled his left ear. He bumped his head against her palm again and meowed a third time. This time though he jumped away from Lyn’s fingers and curled his lithe body around Shari’s leg. His fourth meow ended in a question like the first. “Rumi,” she said irritated. “It doesn’t work like that.”

The black cat growled softly and abruptly shot his tail straight in the air. He walked away from Shari and Lyn both and proceeded to ignore them as he drank from his water dish.

Shari poked Lyn’s shoulder. “You talk to your cat?”

Lyn flushed and straightened. “Em.” She had almost forgotten Shari had been standing there silently watching the exchange. Embarrassed, she sat down roughly in her chair. “Something we do before the call,” she mumbled.

“I take it he doesn’t approve of these… helping people either?” Shari’s voice rumbled with a hint of a chuckle.

Lyn nodded and covered her face with her hand.

“Interesting." She paused and when Lyn made no reply, she continued on a more cheerful note. "Okay, Lyn. How about this. I order us some pizza and we just have a relaxing evening? Looks like you need one.”

“Em.” She felt light-headed and weak from the conversation and the looming phone call. “Okay.”

“When’s the phone call?”

Lyn shrugged. It depended on who was calling really. Bart was always late in the evening, usually before she headed to bed at eleven. Mike was early evening, usually after her classes.

Shari leaned against the table. “Really. They don’t even have a set time for this?”

She sighed and shook her head. “Depends on person.” The sudden desire to just go to sleep and avoid all of this almost overwhelmed her. She laid her arms against the table and dropped her head into the cushion they made.

“Pizza it is then.” Shari gently patted her back. “You want me to just leave when they call?”

It would be best. She knew it would, but the thought of being alone yet again after the weekly call terrified her. The memory of last week’s call haunted her.

“Remember, Lyn, you got to believe you’ll change.” Bart’s voice sounded so confident. “That’s what I do, and I’ve changed.”

“Em.” Lyn grasped the phone hard in her hands, her ear pressed against the receiver.

“Look, it’s hard, but you’ve gotten this far, right?”

“Yes…”

“See? Christ’s working on your heart. You’re going to make it. He’s changing you. Maybe you don’t feel it, but I know he is.”

“Em.” She felt like she had to make some sort of sound so he would know she was still there listening.

“This making sense?”

“Yes.” Of course it did. Mike and him said this to her every phone call. They had drilled it into her during the course of the program. Every bible study. Every activity, small group, worship service – all of them endless repeated the phrase: “Christ will heal you. A relationship with Christ will change you.”

“Good. Lyn, take care. Keep praying, keep reading your bible, and keep going to that service! Make some friends there. I know you’re shy, but it’s about time you made friends there. You can do that for me, right?”

“Yes.”

“Great. I’ll be praying. Bye, Lyn.”

“Bye.” Her fingers trembled as she hung up the phone. Her stomach hurt, and she felt suddenly trapped in this small apartment. She stood and walked to the bathroom. She heard Rumi softly padding after her, his claws clicking against the wooden floor. Opening the drawer next to the sink, she pulled out the Aleve bottle that sat next to her face wash. She slowly poured the contents into her palm. Rumi rubbed against her leg. She didn’t reach down to stroke his fur like she usually did when he rubbed against her. Instead, she carefully counted the pills. Thirty-two. She turned the bottle around and glanced at the instructions. It said nothing about what would happen if she took them all at once. Rumi meowed and pressed his paws against her trousers. She began to count the pills again. Suddenly, claws punctured her trousers and brushed her skin. She jumped and glanced down at Rumi, who was growling softly.

“Rumi?” she whispered, shaken. He stopped growling and rubbed his head against her trousers again. Her hands shook as she poured the pills back into the bottle, secured the cap, and dropped it back into the drawer. “Rumi, thank you.” She gathered him in her arms and began to cry.

“Hey, Lyn!” Shari was poking her shoulder again.

Lyn lifted her head and met Shari’s concerned gaze. Her friend’s blue eyes were so expressive and pretty. “Please stay,” she whispered. Maybe if Shari was here she could avoid the suicidal thoughts. They always came after every phone call. Bart had been calling of late, and he seemed to understand that speaking of her feelings was almost impossible, so he hadn’t asked her, and she didn’t speak of it. If Mike or Alice called, she might not be able to get away with it, but Shari was here. Surely, the thoughts wouldn’t come with her friend here.

Shari squeezed her shoulder and smiled. “Okay. I will.” She walked over to the phone with her crutches and dialed a number. “Whaddya want?”

“Veggies.”

“Sweet. I’ll get half veggie and half Canadian bacon. How’s that?”

Lyn nodded, and Shari winked. Someone must have answered the phone, for she was soon rattling off the order and the location of the apartment. “Oh, number?” She glanced at Lyn, who pointed to the strip of paper atop the phone. Shari nodded and rattled off the number written on the paper. “Okay, thanks. eight-seventy-five you say? Great! We’ll be waiting. Yeah. Have a great day too.” She hung up and grinned. “A pizza is on its way!” She spread her arms toward the sky and hopped back to her chair, dropping her crutches beside it. “Excited?”

A smile tugged at the edges of Lyn’s lips as she nodded. Shari’s enthusiasm was infecting her again. The fluttering in her stomach was back, and the desire to kiss Shari was even more overwhelming than it had been at the ice cream parlor. Her short blonde hair with a few strands poking upward behind her ears just made Lyn’s hands itch to touch the woman’s hair, to stroke it like she would Rumi’s fur. This desire to touch Shari troubled her greatly, for the last time she had felt an attraction this strong, she had lost the girl and was discovered by her parents. The thought depressed her, and she forced herself to speak to avoid the memories it had brought with it. “What you do?”

“Hmm?” Shari had her elbow on the table, her cheek against her palm, and had just been gazing at Lyn in silence. “While you were gone?”

Lyn nodded.

“Heh. Not much. I worked on some lab stuff, you know, for my biology class. It’s a pre-lab thing. Don’t really understand it, but no biggie. Read more of our chapter for our culture’s class. Did you catch what the prof said in lecture? I couldn’t concentrate at all. He just droned on and on.” She laughed and waved her other hand dismissively. “We can talk later about that. Why ruin our fun with homework? Anyway, I did work on homework, but most of the time I just played with your cat. He’s pretty active for an older fellow. Liked the string I had in my backpack. That’s for my art class. You know, general education junk. Picked a mixed media class to fulfill some of those requirements. But yeah, that was my day. How about you?”

The outpouring of words impressed Lyn. It was so easy for Shari to talk, and here she sat struggling to even form a simple question. She knew that a long time ago, before the program, she could talk easier. Even hold conversations, but she felt so removed from that girl now. Like it almost was a different person, a different past. Lyn sighed and drummed her fingers against the table. “Long.” She glanced down at her backpack. “Prof disappointed in me.”

“How come?”

“Did bad at my lesson.” She pushed her foot against the bag. It tipped over. “Couldn’t concentrate. He made me promise to look into it.” She smiled weakly. “Did bad in discussion too. Distracted.”

Shari straightened and placed both arms against the table as she leaned toward Lyn. “Wanna talk about it?”

Lyn shrugged. “Not much to say.”

“Heh. Noticed that. But honestly, maybe talking about it will help, Lyn. You’re troubled by something. I noticed it. Seems your prof did too.”

“Complicated.” It was the best she could devise, for what else could she say? If she told Shari the truth, that she was messed up, wouldn’t Shari stop being her friend? She felt suddenly horribly alone. No matter how many times she mentioned it in small groups back in the program, nothing they said had helped. Everyone there had been so eager to help her. To comfort her. To even hug her. Yet here she was battling an intense attraction to Shari. None of their words, actions, or techniques had worked.

She sighed. This was the best moment for a prayer. A prayer for strength, but she just couldn’t focus her mind. Words just wouldn’t form in her mind. Not even the Bible verses the program had insisted she memorized. Nothing but a growing darkness. She pressed her hand against her brow, feeling desperate. “You pray?”

“Yeah.” Shari sounded surprised. “Why you ask?”

Lyn felt a rush of relief. Maybe Shari could help. “Like to pray, but can’t think.”

“Oh! I get like that sometimes too.” Shari leaned forward and grasped Lyn’s free hand. "Pa taught me some prayers for times like that. I can write them down for you if you’d like.”

Her hand dropped away from her face, and her lips turned upward in an actual smile. “I’d like that.”

Shari grinned and winked. “Then I’ll write ‘em up for you.” She squeezed Lyn’s hand. “Want me to say one right now? We got some time. Pizza’ll be here in fifteen minutes about.”

Lyn nodded and laid her other hand atop Shari’s.

“Cool.” Shari closed her eyes and with her right hand, she touched her forehead, then her chest, her left shoulder, and then her right. Lyn watched fascinated as Shari quietly recited a prayer that spoke of God’s love and mercy. She ended it the way Lyn was used to: “In Christ’s name, we pray. Amen.” But then Shari did that hand gesture again.

“What is that?” Lyn blurted, then blushed. “I mean… thanks…”

Shari laughed. “No prob. And that’s the sign of the cross. You don’t do that?”

Lyn shook her head.

“Heh. Well, not all Christians do it. I like it though. A simple prayer. Plus, keeps me focused.” She grinned. “I’m not as bad as my Pa though. He makes the sign of the cross almost all the time. Hears an ambulance. Boom! Sign of the cross. Sees some road kill. Boom, another sign of the cross! Good guy, he is.”

Lyn smiled. “Sounds it.” She mimicked the gesture. “Like this?”

Shari nodded. “Yes! There’s more to it though.” She did the gesture again with her free hand, this time with words, “In the name of the father” her hand touched her forehead – “the son” – here her hand touched her heart – “and the Holy” – left shoulder – “Spirit” – right shoulder. “And that’s the prayer.” She squeezed Lyn’s hand then released it. “You know, it’s good to do when you don’t know what to pray too.”

She felt a sudden surge of relief. Shari had taught her a prayer! Surely this must be a good sign. Shari was done with the bar scene, and so one less temptation there, and she had taught Lyn a prayer, so now they could pray together. When they called, she’ll tell them, and then they’ll approve and she won’t lose her friend.

The phone suddenly rang, and both of them jumped. Lyn froze in her chair. Surely it wasn’t Mike. She wasn’t ready yet to talk to anyone from the program. The phone rang again. Shari raised her eyebrows and gestured to the phone behind Lyn. As it rang a third time, Lyn grimaced and forced herself to stand and walk over to it. Her hands trembled as she picked up the receiver and held it to her ear.

“Hello?”

“This is Jazzy Pizza. I’ll be at Lemon Apartments in five minutes. You Shari?”

Relief flooded her yet again. “She’s here.”

“Sweet. And your apartment number. I can’t read my buddy’s script. Is it 260? Second floor?”

"Yes.”

“Awesome and thanks.”

“Bye.” She hung up and leaned against the wall with a content sigh. “Just pizza guy.”

“Really?” Shari covered her mouth as she chuckled. “Gosh, gave us both a fright, didn’t he?”

Lyn nodded and smiled. She hoped the program didn’t call until late, late this evening. She wanted to enjoy this time with Shari, for already the peaceful sensation she had felt in the piano room and the ice cream parlor was slowly easing its way back into her heart.

Shari drank the last of her milk and set it next to her empty plate. “Living on a farm’s pretty adventurous, you know.” She laughed and tapped the edge of the pizza box. “I know it sounds crazy, but it is. Always something to do. Even in the winter.”

Lyn sipped her water and smiled faintly. Shari had told her stories of her childhood for most of the dinner. The majority contained her siblings and her playing in the fields and the trees around the family farm house. It was astonishing to Lyn, who was an only child, that Shari could have six brothers and sisters. Her being the youngest. She placed her water next to her plate, and picked up her last slice of veggie pizza. The crust was still warm in her hands, and the tomato sauce oozed between the veggies and the cheese.

“My oldest brother still works with Pa. And Sally too.” Shari sighed and rubbed her hands against her napkin. “Since Ma left, those two been working extra hard to help Pa out. Caring for a farm’s a big deal. I help during the summer. My other three siblings when they’re in town. Though two of them are married now.” Shari waved her hand dismissively. “Here I am babbling on and on about my life. How about you, Lyn? What’s life in your world like?”

A blush crept up Lyn’s cheeks and she quickly swallowed her bite of pizza. “Not much.” She placed her piece back on her plate. “Only child.” She shrugged. “Lived in the city.” Absently, she picked at the crust of her pizza, her eyes on Shari’s crutches that lay next to her chair. “Dad’s a pastor. Mom a teacher.”

“That’s cool!” Shari smiled encouragingly. “You like being an only?”

Lyn shrugged. “Lonely sometimes.” She tore a piece off her crust and chewed it slowly. Swallowing it she sighed. “Few friends here and there. Just your usual childhood. Helping at the church. Stuff like that.” She shrugged and frowned. Sure her parents had their share of troubles, but they had always gathered as a family to pray and it worked out. The only weird thing about her family was herself and her unnatural attractions. It had really hurt her parents, who had tried so hard to raise her in a loving environment. She had spent equal time with both parents. For that reason alone, she was an outcast even in the program, where the majority had either some great trauma in their youth, or had identified with one parent and not the other.

“Cool.” Shari leaned her head against her hand. “Being a farmer’s girl, I had to ride a bus to the nearest school. A good twenty miles away. Liked it though. Was a natural athlete you could say.” She chuckled. “A star on the basketball and soccer teams. How about you? You play any sports?”

Lyn shook her head. “Band and choir only.” She had tried track once, but she hadn’t fit in with the other girls. In fact, that’s when she realized that she was attracted to girls and not boys. It nearly drove her crazy to watch them run, and that scared her for her reactions mirrored the guy’s who’d come and hoot and holler at the girls, some even drooling. She was better at hiding her attractions than them, but some of the girls noticed and teased her about it. Being in the locker room with them had been pure torture, for there was always at least one or two who just stripped to their panties without a care in the world. Lyn always had to hide in the bathroom to avoid staring at their breasts and lean, muscular bodies. She shivered and rubbed her hands against her napkin. “Did track one year. Didn’t like it.”

“Too much running?”

Again she shook her head. “Liked that. Just…” How could she explain? She had quit to escape the barrage of girls, the endless teasing by the pair who purposely would strip right in front of her then laugh as she blushed and ran for the stalls. Her solace had been band and choir, where either no one knew her infirmity or didn’t care. She shrugged. “Music suited me better.”

Shari smiled. “Makes sense.” She bent and picked up one of her crutches. “Got a music player?”

Startled, Lyn nodded and pointed to the one that sat on the floor next to her desk.

“Awesome!” Shari leaned against her crutch. “How about we play some. What CDs do you have?”

“A bunch.” Lyn stood and walked over to the crate that was under her bed and near the CD player. Shari followed, and once again Lyn was impressed with how gracefully the woman moved in crutches. “Sit on the bed if you like.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Shari sat down and dropped her crutches on the floor. “So?”

Lyn pulled the box from under her bed and placed it next to Shari. Most of the CDs were classical ones, but there was a few rock, folk, and international music like Irish, Indian, and Korean.

“Ah, I know this one.” Shari pulled out one of the new rock CDs. “One of my favorite bands in fact. Wanna play it?”

Taking it from Shari’s outstretched hand, Lyn knelt by her CD player and plopped it into place. She pressed play and sat down on the bed with one foot under her. As the soft rock filtered through the apartment, Lyn found herself relaxing, her rare smile returning. Shari leaned backward on the bed, her elbows supporting most of her weight, and began to sing along softly to the lyrics. Her voice was a rough alto, and it was apparent that Shari must have had a little training for she sung from the lower abdomen and not the upper chest. Lyn watched her, fascinated by the curves in her body, and the peaceful expression on her face. For the moment, nothing else mattered but listening and watching her friend.

The song ended, and Lyn came back to herself with a start. She blushed furiously, embarrassed at having stared at Shari the course of the entire song, but her friend didn’t seem to notice.

“This is nice.” Shari smiled. “And you?”

“Me?” Lyn shifted so that her other leg was now between her and the bed.

“Yeah. This relaxing for you? Or you wanna do something else? Like watch something. Play a card game…”

“I like this.” What surprised her the most was that she meant it. She felt peaceful just sitting here with Shari, not really talking, but just enjoying one another’s presence. Even though a part of her wanted to curl up next to Shari and snuggle with her friend, she still felt peaceful and relaxed. Since she had kept the box between her and Shari, she also felt safe from temptation. She couldn’t crawl next to her with the box there.

The next song held a more festive beat, and the guitars and drums almost seemed to dance around the lyrics. “I love this one.” Shari flashed her brilliant smile, that melted Lyn on the spot. Suddenly, the box seemed like a not needed obstacle. She gulped uneasily and looked away. “You know,” Shari continued, “my coach was quite upset to see my foot.” She gestured to her injured foot, its cast covered with drawings Shari must have done when she was cat-sitting. “But then it is the off season, so good timing I guess.”

“Coach?”

“Yeah. Basketball. Our team didn’t make it very far, but it was fun. Practice still going on, but I can’t participate like this.” She stretched out her leg and balanced it on the side of the bed. Lyn stood, grabbed her desk chair, and positioned it next to Shari’s foot. “Hey, thanks.” Shari moved her foot onto it, and Lyn carefully made sure there was a cushion beneath it. “Gosh, that helps a lot!” Shari flopped onto her back and stretched her arms toward the ceiling. “Maybe in the next week or so, you and I can hit some hoops. Free-throws are easy to practice. Just stand in one place for those.” Shari glanced at Lyn, who still stood by the chair. “Whaddya think?”

She smiled tentatively. “I’d like that.” She knew very little about basketball, despite her high school’s obsession with it. Her time at the smaller college had been much the same, for the team there had made the championships. Bart had offered to drive up and take her to a game, but that had made her too uneasy. The screaming and seats packed with people frightened her. It hadn’t used to be that way. Before the program, Mary and her had often gone to movies and games together, and it hadn’t bothered her then. Lyn shifted from foot to foot disturbed by the memory. It had been years since she thought of her friend, but since the program, she had lost all contact with Mary.

“Lyn, you can’t keep in contact.” Her father stood before her in his pastor attire: tan pants and a white shirt. “Mary led you into sin.”

“No!” Tears stung her eyes and she shook her head vigorously. “Mary’s not like that. We never did anything. Except one kiss. Just one!” Mary and her had been so close, almost inseparable. Her parents had joked about them being sisters, but she had never seen their friendship as such. It had always been special. Lyn was convinced God had ordained it that way, and when the kiss happened, she had thought this was apart of God’s plan.

Her father frowned. “A kiss is a sin, for it leads you straight into temptation. Where would you have gone from there? If I hadn’t walked in the room, would you two have decided to delve deeper into sin? I knew God had urged me home earlier that day. It seems she has led you astray.”

Lyn felt desperate. The thought of losing Mary broke her heart. “No, she’s a Christian too! We go to church together! She’s my friend. We’d never do anything. Honest!”

He slammed his hand down on the counter. Lyn jumped. “This is final. You will not see Mary again. Tomorrow you will pack, and your mother will take you to Acts of Love. I will speak with Mary’s parents as well, for I think she will need therapy for this.”

Lyn stared at him in shock. Therapy? Acts of Love? That was the local program for homosexuals that her church helped sponsor. The thought of going there, of being labeled as one of them, terrified her. She didn’t want this. “Dad, please, no.” She began to shiver despite the warm breeze of summer that filtered through the screen door to their left. “Please, I don’t need that…”

“Lyn, you need to admit you have a problem.” Her father sighed heavily. “Attractions to girls are not natural. You need help. This program will help you.”

His words felt like daggers to her heart. He knew about the attractions. Did it really matter anymore what she said? He was sending her and the case was closed. “Alright.” She turned before he could reply and walked out of the room. As soon as she left the kitchen, her feet burst into a run, and by the time she reached her room at the head of the stairs, she was sobbing.

A sudden drum solo broke her from her reverie, and she abruptly turned and walked into the kitchen. Five years had passed since that day. True to his word, her father and mother had sent her to the program, and she had never heard from Mary again. Listlessly, she picked up the paper plates and dumped them in the trash.

She heard the click of Shari’s crutches against the floor, and felt the woman’s hands against her shoulders. “Something upset you.”

Lyn shrugged and closed the pizza box. “Bad memory.” Rumi suddenly jumped from his perch on a chair and curled around her legs, purring. Tears stung her eyes. Even after five years, she still missed her friend. What she felt for Mary was nothing compared to the emotions that bombarded her when she thought of Shari. The kiss had been an experiment more than anything else. At least, that was what Mary had said. Practice so when a guy kissed them, they’d know what to do. Except for Lyn it had been different. She had no desire to kiss a guy, and Mary’s kiss had been nice. She shivered and glanced at Shari, who stood behind her, leaning against her crutches. The desire to kiss her was so strong that she felt she’d go crazy if she didn’t distract herself. She bent down and gathered Rumi in her arms. “Song reminded me of a friend.” It wasn’t much of an explanation, but hopefully it’d sedate Shari’s curiosity.

“Ah. I take it you lost touch?”

Lyn nodded in relief. That was an even better explanation. She stroked Rumi’s fur. It had been a long time since she let herself think of her childhood friend. “Mary.”

“Hmm?” Shari cocked her head to one side as she maneuvered herself back to the bed. Lyn followed, Rumi snuggled in her arms.

“Her name. My friend.” Lyn sat down on the edge of the bed with the box between them once more. “Childhood friend.” She rubbed her fingers between Rumi’s ears. He purred louder.

“You miss her?”

She sighed and shrugged. Missing her wasn’t an option. It was best to forget. At least that was what her mother had urged her to do. But it was hard. Mary and her had shared far too many memories for her to just forget her.

“You do.” Shari leaned over the box and lightly grasped Lyn’s shoulder. “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve lost a friend as well over the years. Tyron was his name. He and I had been sports buddies growing up. His family moved halfway through high school. Haven’t seen him since.”

Lyn blinked in surprise. “Did… you.. like him?” The question popped out of her mouth, and she felt embarrassed at having asked such a personal question.

Shari laughed. “Heavens no. He’s my buddy. Besides, he and I were more like siblings than anything else.”

A faint smile creased Lyn’s lips. Mary had called their friendship a sisterhood, even though Lyn couldn’t think of Mary as a sister. Was it because of her problem? Her Mom had called her attractions to girls a disease that could be cured. She bowed her head and focused on stroking Rumi’s sleek fur. Talking about this wasn’t helping after all. Maybe she should have just stayed silent.

The phone suddenly rang and once again both of them jumped. This time Lyn was certain it wasn’t the pizza place. As it rang again, Lyn forced herself to place Rumi on the bed, step toward the phone, and pick up the receiver. Shari sat down on the bed, and reached over to turn down the CD player.

“Hello?” Her voice wavered despite her attempts to sound calm.

“Hey Lyn!” It was Bart. “How are you?”

She leaned her forehead against the wall. Why did he always had to start with that? He knew the answer would always be the same. “Fine.”

“Great to hear. So Lyn, what have you been doing? Besides heading to class. Though I hope you’ve been doing that as well.”

“Yes.”

“Yes to what?” Bart chuckled. “Lyn, really, I can’t read your expression over the phone.”

Of course he couldn’t. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Usual. Class, practice, church, prayer, homework.”

“Good, good. So you made any new friends yet? You promised to try, remember?”

She stifled a groan. Last Sunday’s service had felt like torture. The band had been completely out of tune, but no one seemed to care for they were too busy singing at the top of their voices, some even screaming. The press of people had nearly driven her mad, and she had to leave early in order to keep from hyperventilating. The bible study she randomly attended had gone better, but despite the girls’ kindness and welcoming attitudes, she had felt out of place and lonely. “Not really.” She turned away from the wall and began to pace. Shari still sat by the CD player, Rumi in her lap purring. Although her head was bent toward the music, her eyes followed Lyn. There was no point mentioning Ana. The girl only talked to her once a week, usually before or after the Wednesday services. Today’s conversation still confused Lyn, and she wasn’t sure if that meant they were friends or not.

“Come on, Lyn.” His words broke into her troubled thoughts. “This is part of the healing process. I saw how well you did at the college. Made some great friends.” He sighed. “Maybe this university isn’t the best place-“

“No!” Lyn slid to a stop and gripped the phone hard. “Please, no. I like it here. And I did make a friend. She… she hung out with me today. We… we ate pizza together.”

“Oh? What’s her name?”

“Shari.”

“Where did you meet?”

“Out on a walk. We’re in the same cultures’ class.”

“I see. Now Lyn, be honest. Do you feel any attractions toward her?”

Lyn abruptly sat down astonished that Bart had asked the question so soon. She didn’t want to say yes, even though it was true. She was very much attracted to Shari, but if she admitted it, what would he do? The thought of losing her, hurt.

“Lyn. Please answer the question.”

“Yes…” She closed her eyes and held the phone ever tighter. “But.. but she’s nice. She taught me a prayer. We even prayed together.”

“Really?” Bart sounded relieved. “Hey, maybe she can help you then. What church is she from?”

She had no idea. The subject had never entered their conversations. “Don’t know.”

“Ask her. If she’s from Mission of Christ, then she’s safe. Otherwise, be careful. Some people profess to be Christian, but don’t really follow Christ. They might act like us, but they’re really working for the devil. You know how the devil can disguise himself as something good.”

Lyn shivered violently. No. Shari couldn’t be like that.

“Remember, Lyn, Christ is the only way. You have to trust Him and keep working on your relationship with Him. Have you been seeking out guy friends? Find one and hug them. You know the exercises. Full body hug to see if there’s an arousal.”

Lyn hated those exercises. Hated them with a passion. She felt like such a toy during them, and didn’t it provide temptation? “Em.” Those were the exercises she had been avoiding since she came to the university.

“And read that Bible! You can’t get closer if you’re not doing it.”

“I am!” she replied hotly. She wanted to throw the phone across the room. She was doing what they taught, but it wasn’t going away. Angrily, she strode into the bathroom and jerked open a drawer. The bottle of Aleve sat next to her toothbrush. “I read. I pray. I try hard. I believe. But it’s not working!”

“Lyn, if you talk like that, then it won’t. Now say it with me: I will change.”

She wrapped her fingers around the Aleve bottle. The urge to cry was breaking through the wall of anger. “I will change,” she whispered.

“Christ will heal me. I put my sexuality in Christ’s hands. I will avoid temptation. I will not break my promise.”

Dully, she repeated the words. Her fingers clutched the bottle tighter.

“Now let’s pray.” Bart led the prayer. The usual prayer for Christ to change her heart and heal her. She muttered a semblance of a prayer, enough to satisfy Bart, and finally he said goodbye after promising to check up on her tomorrow.

She heard the click and the dial tone blared. She dropped the phone and stared at the bottle in her hands. Her fingers reached for the cap, but the thunk of crutches brought her back to her senses. Hurriedly, she shoved the bottle back in the drawer and struggled to her feet, the phone in her hands again.

Shari leaned against the doorjamb and raised her eyebrows. “Done?”

Lyn nodded and glanced in the mirror. She looked terrible. Her hair all askew, dark circles under her eyes, but at least the tint of her skin hid most of her flushed face.

“You okay?”

She glanced back at Shari. Wasn’t she supposed to feel empowered by these phone calls? But each time she felt more and more drained. Tears pricked her eyes and she shook her head.

Shari gently grasped her arm. “Come on. Let’s get out of the bathroom.”

Lyn let her lead her back to the bed. Dully she sat down next to Shari, who dropped her crutches on the floor. Rumi jumped into her lap, and rubbed his head against her hands. Shari placed her arms around her and automatically, Lyn leaned into the hug, her eyes closing against the tears.

Lyn became conscious of a warm body next to her.  Her head was tucked against the soft fabric of a shirt, and an arm was half draped over her torso.  She blinked and turned her head to see Shari lying atop the blankets, her golden hair spilled onto the shared pillow.  She still wore her clothing from yesterday, but what alarmed Lyn was her close proximity.  Lyn sat upright and jerked free from the blankets that covered her.  She fell off the bed, bumped her palms against the floor, and hit her head against the bottom of the windowsill.  Shari stirred in her sleep with a soft snort, but she didn’t wake. 

How did this happen?  The question spun through Lyn’s sleep fogged mind.  All she could remember was crying and being held by Shari, and then waking up next to her.  She pulled at her shirt and picked at her pants, the same clothing she had worn the day before. 

Don’t panic.  Lyn forced herself to her feet, rubbing her aching head with her palm.  Nothing had happened.  Shari and her must have fallen asleep, and yet Lyn had been under the blankets and Shari atop.  Lyn’s feet brought her to her desk and toward the kitchen.  Rumi meowed from his place at Shari’s feet.  Lyn spun on her heel and walked toward him.  So Shari must have placed a blanket on her, but then why was she still here?  Why didn’t she leave? 

Rumi stretched and meowed again.  He hopped off the bed and curled around Lyn’s legs.  She stopped, bent over, and stroked his back with the tips of her fingers.  He curled his body upward to increase the amount of space her fingers touched.  Purrs vibrated his throat. 

Lyn glanced at the clock and frowned.  It was ten minutes to nine.  She barely had time to get ready for her first class.  Straightening, she walked into the kitchen and grabbed Rumi’s water bowl from the floor.  Cleaning it, she carefully refilled it as Rumi meowed and curled his body around her legs again. 

“Patience, Rumi,” she murmured as she placed his bowl next to his dish.  Some food was still in it from last night, and so she didn’t bother to refill the food dish.  He butted his head against her hand, and she allowed herself two head scratches before she left him to breakfast. 

She glanced at the bed.  Shari hadn’t moved.  Rubbing her eyes with a soft groan, she walked into the bathroom, slammed the door, and focused on her shower.  This morning was something that was best forgotten.

Each scrape against her skin hurt, but she didn’t let up.  Her green mesh sponge was a frilly ball of net that felt soft to the touch, until one smashed it into against one’s skin and rubbed as hard as possible, which Lyn did with vigor.  She winced as the hot water poured over the raw skin on her arms, but she continued to scrub, the soap lather growing with each back and forth motion.  Tears pricked her eyes only to be washed away by the water that sprayed over her body and hair, and dripped down her face and back.  No matter how hard she tried empty her mind, the thoughts of Shari wouldn’t leave.  She scrubbed harder, desperately trying to scrub away the thoughts and wash them off her like the soap the water rinsed from her slender body. 

She tightly closed her eyes as she scrubbed her right knee fiercely.  Shari’s golden hair piled atop her pillow a few strands mixing with Lyn’s own dark brown.  Her peaceful expression with that slight smile upon her full lips, and the way her arm draped limply over Lyn’s side.  It had been comforting until the terror of being found like this struck.  If anyone in the program knew… 

The sponge dropped from her hands, and she stood, head bent in the shower, the water cascading over her body, pounding into her shoulders and head. 

A deep weariness had settled into Lyn’s bones by the time she was dressed and standing at her door with her shoulder bag.  Shari still lay on her bed, and Rumi sat near her head, his head tucked into his tail.  It was still an hour and a half until the culture class they shared, and quietly she had set her alarm for her friend. 

She opened the door and winced as her knee scraped against the inside of her jeans.  Her skin still felt raw from her vigorous cleaning in the shower and her sweater, despite its softness, rubbed against her skin.  It had taken two handfuls of lotion to stop the itching, and now a dull ache had spread through her arms, legs, and shoulders. 

Sighing, she locked her door and descended down the stairs, head bent, and her fingers tightly clenching her bag’s shoulder strap.  The air outside was cool and a light dew covered the grass and sidewalk.  A few students hurried by with backpacks and only a small number of cars traversed the streets.  She walked silently to the music building, and toward her first class of the day: Music Theory. 

It only took her two minutes to realize that she had forgotten something.  The students around her held the ear-training exercise in their hands, and small talk about it echoed softly in the small room.  Lyn dropped into a chair at the back of the room, and placed her back atop the table in dismay.  It still sat on her desk untouched since the moment she had gone for the walk and met Shari. 

As class started and the TA gathered the assignments, she slid lower into her chair.  She had never missed an assignment before.  Her face reddened when the TA paused at her desk with raised eyebrows.  She shook her head and pressed her hand against her forehead.  The TA nodded and walked back to the front of class, where she lay the assignments next to the professor’s lecture folder.  He nodded at her and turned to the projector where he placed a musical score transparency.  As the score appeared on the projector screen, the professor began his lecture concerning the technicalities of musical analysis.  Lyn sat stiffly, her notebook open before her, but her hand motionless.  His words entered one ear, but didn’t seem to register.  The image of her assignment on her desk and the raised eyebrow of her TA stuck in her mind.  She tried to focus on the topic, tried to write something down that she could use for review later, but she just couldn’t focus. 

The minutes passed slowly, too slowly.  Lyn’s leg began to bounce as her anxiety rose.  The professor spoke of ear-training now, stressing its importance, and then he paused.  Lyn shifted in her seat.  He had asked some sort of question.  One student near the front called out an answer.  She couldn’t hear what he said.  The professor nodded and began again.  The cycle repeated for what felt like days to Lyn.  When the professor finally turned off the projector and ended class, she felt exhaustion swamp her.  She rested her head against her palm and waited for the surge of students to exit. 

“Lyn?” 

The voice startled her, and she jerked upright.  The TA stood before her with furrowed brows.  “You didn’t hand in your assignment.” 

“Not done.”  Lyn’s voice was soft.  Too soft, for the TA frowned. 

“What?” 

Lyn flushed and struggled to speak louder.  “Not done.” 

The TA tapped her chin.  “Kinda unusual for you.  You’re usually done early.  Anything wrong?” 

Her fingers tightly clutched the strap of her shoulder bag.  “No.”  She shook her head for emphasis. 

“Alright.  How about this.  If you bring it to discussion tomorrow, I’ll only take off five points, okay?” 

Lyn nodded.  “Thank you.” 

The TA smiled.  “You’re welcome.  Just try not to be late again, alright?  You know Professor Jenkins.  He’s a stickler for stuff like that.” 

She smiled tenuously and gave a half wave in response.  Before the TA could respond, she rushed out of the classroom.  The door had just shut behind her when a hand clamped down on her shoulder. 

“Finally!” 

Lyn jumped.  It was only Ana.  She felt confused for they had just talked yesterday.  Usually they only spoke before or after Wednesday’s services. 

Ana raised her light brown eyebrows.  “Jumpy today?” 

Lyn nodded shyly. 

“I see.”  She smiled and began to walk down the hallway.  Lyn automatically fell into step beside her.  “You know, the professor today sure was long-winded.  I didn’t hear half of what he said.  I bet you wrote down everything.”  She laughed.  “You always do.” 

The words were a heavy reminder of her unfinished assignment.  Not only had she not finished that she also hadn’t taken a single note in class.  Lyn shoved her hands into her pockets and watched her feet as the pair sauntered down the hallway toward the exit. 

“I was thinking too.”  Ana adjusted her backpack straps.  “Maybe before worship on Wednesday we can meet up and review our notes?  You know for the quiz on Friday.  I totally meant to ask you yesterday, but I forgot.” 

Lyn slid to a stop.  “Quiz?” she said weakly. 

Ana nodded and stopped beside her.  “Yeah, didn’t you know?” 

She had forgotten.  Shari’s appearance in her life had disrupted everything.  Her careful recovery, her lessons, and now her studies as well.  She shivered violently. 

“Hey, you alright?”  Ana lightly touched her shoulder.

Lyn flinched.  It reminded her vividly of last night when Shari had held her after the phone call.  “Fine.”  She forced a smile.  “Call?”

Ana frowned.  “Call what?”

“For Wednesday.”

“Oh!”  Ana shook her head, and her curls bounced against her slim shoulders.  “Yeah, I can do that.  And maybe you should take it easy today.  You don’t look too well.” 

Lyn nodded unable to think of a reply. 

“Okay.  God bless you, Lyn.  I’ll say a few prayers.  And see you in class tomorrow.” 

“Thanks.”  Lyn turned and walked through the exit doors.  It was time for culture class, and Shari.  The thought of her friend lifted her spirits, but then the memory of this morning shattered the brief moment of bliss.

Shari leaned against the building, her crutches upright before her and her head tilted back to catch the rays of the morning sun.  Her golden hair pooled around her neck and over her shoulders to rest on and around her breasts.  Her clothing had not changed from this morning, but even the wrinkles in the shirt and pants didn’t faze Lyn.  She slid to a stop a few feet from her friend with a sharp intake of breath.  Shari’s beauty dazzled her, and the desire to reach out and touch the soft skin of her friend nearly overwhelmed all of Lyn’s senses. 

“Hey.”  Shari opened her eyes and smiled.  “It’s so beautiful today.  I couldn’t resist catching some sun.” 

Lyn nodded.  “Em.”  She had no idea what to say, especially after this morning’s discovery. 

Thrusting her crutches forward, Shari straightened and jerked her head toward the auditorium doors.  “Ready to head in?” 

“Em. Yeah.”  Lyn colored and looked down at her feet.  The image of Shari lying beside her in bed kept entering her thoughts, and Lyn struggled to avoid thoughts of her friend naked.  She felt disgusting for even the mere hint of such a thought, and even after all that vigorous scrubbing in the shower, she still felt unclean and ruined.  For wasn’t she both due to her unnatural attraction to Shari?  That’s what the program had drilled into her, yet hadn’t both Shari and her cat both shown disproval of the program?  The idea that maybe the program was hurtful seemed outlandish, yet at the same time, the idea captivated her.  As she paused by the fourth row, she glanced at Shari and realized that even now, after such a rude awakening this morning, she was happy to be next to her. 

“I’m excited for today’s lecture,” Shari admitted as they sat down at the edge of the row, “as dorky as that sounds.  I mean, gosh, who wouldn’t want to learn about the Celtics?  Especially their myths.  I love the ideas of fairies.  Don’t you?”

“Sure.”  Lyn wasn’t sure what she thought of fairies.  Though she was certain the program didn’t like them.  No doubt thought they were a bad influence.  Lyn shifted in her seat and tapped her pencil against her leg.  In fact, wasn’t everything a bad influence?  Was the program right and this university was a poor choice?  Yet it was the only place she had felt at home in the past five years.  Or was she just deluding herself?  Hadn’t it taken her an entire semester to finally make a friend?  “Shari.”  Lyn turned in her seat and faced her friend earnestly.  “We’re friends, right?”

Shari nodded, startled.  “Of course!  Why do you keep asking?” 

Lyn sat forward again and shook her head.  She didn’t know.  Confusion swirled within her and mixed with the growing attraction to her friend.  The desire to kiss Shari, to touch her, to let down her barriers and love her.  Yet she was afraid.  Afraid of what it meant.  Of the program, of the wrath of God.  She felt cursed and alone, and she was tired of it. 

The professor turned on the projector and an image of a Celtic emblem appeared.  As he spoke of druids and myths before the coming of the Christians, Lyn found herself drawn to Shari’s excitement next to her.  Her friend sat on the edge of her seat, writing down all she could, and Lyn couldn’t take her eyes away from the joy that radiated from her friend.  As the lecture entered the Christian era of Ireland, Shari smiled and winked at Lyn.  Startled, Lyn turned back to the projector, embarrassed at being caught staring. 

Near the end of the lecture, Lyn felt Shari’s hand on her leg.  She didn’t dare look at her friend, but the touch warmed her.  Tentatively, she laid her hand atop Shari’s and interlaced her fingers through her own.

They walked out of the auditorium side by side.  Lyn couldn’t stop herself from brushing her fingers against Shari’s hand that rested on the crutch.  Holding hands had felt wonderful and although she knew this was against the rules, Lyn didn’t want to let go of that warmth.  Voices drifted around them as other students wandered by them, but the pair stopped right outside the doors to the building. 

“Hey.”  Shari turned to face Lyn.  “Your next class at two?”  When Lyn nodded, Shari grinned.  “Great.  I want to show you something.  Come on, it’s not far.”  She gestured to the right with one of her crutches and tugged lightly on Lyn’s sleeve with her hand. 

“Okay.”  Lyn fell into step beside her, still amazed at how swiftly Shari could move even in crutches.  “Where?”  She shifted her backpack on her back and blushed unable to finish her question. 

Shari laughed.  “Oh, it’s a surprise, but I’ve a hunch you’ll love it.”  She flipped her head to one side, and a lock of her blond hair flew over her shoulder.  “You know, it’s been almost three years since I came here, and of all the people I’ve met, you’re the one that’s intrigued me the most.  Seriously.  I’m a bit of a wanderer, you know?  I like to investigate stuff.  The unknown.  So first month here, I join one of my suitemates and hit the bars.  Like I said last night, it stunk, but there was interesting characters.  No decent friends though.  You know what I did after I stopped hanging with them?” 

Lyn shook her head. 

“Decided you can have fun without alcohol,” Shari continued, “So back to church I went.  They have some good ones here.  You try the local Catholic Student Center?  They have the best activities thus far.  I love their ping-pong tournaments.  It’s a blast.” 

“Catholic?” Lyn repeated in surprise. 

“Yeah.”  Shari swung her injured leg forward and clomped forward, her crutches hitting the ground harder than usual.  “My Dad’s Catholic.  Mom was Evangelical.  Got some of both worlds, but I think I like the Catholics better.  At least my church back home and the ones here are cool.  How about you?  I know you’re some sort of Christian.  I’m guessing some fundamental evangelical.” 

“Mission of Christ.”  She wasn’t sure what to say to Shari’s sudden confession.  The program didn’t think highly of Catholics or anyone that wasn’t Mission of Christ.  Hadn’t Bart said that the devil can disguise itself as an angel of good?  Yet how could Shari ever be in league with the devil if she prayed to God?  “Em, Shari, you follow Christ?”  Lyn clenched her backpack straps, hoping her friend would say yes. 

“Yeah.”  Shari laughed again.  “Catholics, Evangelicals – they’re all Christian, silly.  So don’t worry, okay?  Besides, it’s not about rules and regulations and whatnot.  It’s about love.  That’s all we need.  Love.” 

Lyn slid to a stop and stared at Shari in surprise. 

“Hey, something wrong?”  Shari raised her eyebrows and stopped. 

“That’s it?  Just love?” 

Shari nodded.  “Says it right there in that Bible.  ‘Love is the fulfillment of the law.’  Romans I think.  But don’t quote me.  I suck at memorizing anything.  So there you go.  Jesus says it all the time – ‘love others.’  So all you need is love.  Hey, that’s a song!  Beatles, or maybe it’s the Rolling Stones.”  She smiled and hummed a melody that was faintly recognizable to Lyn. 

“That’s all?”  Lyn felt amazed.  The program may have said over and over again that Christ loved them, but they had so many rules and warnings.  Over and over again they had told her what would lead her to hell and thus must be avoided.  Shari made it sound so simple.  For the first time since she had been forced into the program, Lyn began to wonder if perhaps they were wrong.  If they had been misleading her.  It was a shocking revelation, one that shook her to her core, but at the same time filled her with an intense hope. 

“Yup,” Shari’s voice rumbled with a hint of a chuckle that broke through Lyn’s reverie.  “You gonna stand there all day?  Not that I mind, but still.” 

“Em.  Sorry.”  Lyn blushed and began to walk again, but this time instead of looking at her feet, she met Shari’s gaze and smiled.

Shari leaned her crutches against a tree and balanced on her good leg.  “Here it is.”  She gestured to the a round stage in front of a section of seats.  It was an open theater modeled after the original Shakespeare theater.  The thick walls that surrounded the back of the stage held a door on the left and it was cracked open.  Shari led the way up the side stage stairs and hobbled over to the half-cracked door.  “I sometimes go here with my suitemate, she’s a theater major.  I asked her to open this for this hour.”  Shari winked.  “So we can have some fun.” 

Lyn stepped onto the stage in wonder.  She hadn’t known this place existed.  It was hidden deep within the park amongst thick willows that lined the river.  All during the walk through the park, she had wondered if where Shari was taking her, for she thought she had seen all of the park.  Stooping, she brushed her fingers against the rough wood in wonder.  Obviously she had not seen everything yet.  “What kind of fun?”

“Dancing.”  Shari stepped into the room and adjusted something out of sight.  Soft music flowed through the doorway.  Music Lyn recognized as one of her favorite artists. 

“How did you know?”  Lyn stared at Shari in surprise. 

Shari smiled.  “I’m perceptive.”  She leaned her crutches against the side of the stage, and gently grasped one of Lyn’s hands.  The other grasped her shoulder.  “It’ll be awkward with my boot cast, but we can manage.” 

The music swirled through Lyn, the sharp edge of the violins piercing her soul as the trills of the flutes and the echoes of cellos flared through her senses.  Shari’s touch intensified the desire to kiss, and the music highlighted the passion sevenfold.  Lyn slid her hand onto Shari’s shoulder, her fingers brushing her neck.  They slowly turned in a circle with Shari leaning against Lyn to balance more on her uninjured leg.  Drums rumbled, cymbals crashed, and the tide of harmony rose to a vibrant counterpoint.  Her face flushed, a wild smile on her lips, as she leaned closer to Shari.  The torrent of sound left her breathless and excited.  Shari’s hand released her own and moved to her waist as her other hand stroked Lyn’s shoulder and part of her neck.  The touch left her tingling and her breath quickened as she placed her free hand against Shari’s waist.  Blue eyes bored into her own, and the world rose in a cacophony of sound that flushed her with pleasure.  She was barely conscious of stopping, of Shari’s hands stroking her sides and face.  The musical euphoria caught all her senses, and she leaned forward to brush Shari’s lips with her own.  Everything else faded as the sensation of kissing overwhelmed all of Lyn’s mind and body.  Her hands seemed to move of their own accord and touched Shari’s hair, breasts, sides.  The soft touch of her friend ignited her senses and she leaned into the kiss, tasting her, unable to keep her hands away.  Shari’s hands stroked her breasts, and warmth washed over her.  She felt wood press into her back, and suddenly as it began, the kiss was over.  They pulled away and stared at each other, breathless. 

“Did… we?”  Lyn began to shake as the realization of what just happened broke through the blissful state the music instilled in her.  “Just, you know?” 

Shari stepped away, one hand against the stage wall, and somberly met Lyn’s troubled gaze.  She nodded once. 

Lyn touched her lips and crumpled against the wall.  It had happened so fast.  So unexpectedly.  Had she dreamed it?  Yet Shari stood before her, and her body trembled from the passionate kiss, her lips warm from Shari’s touch.  “I… liked it.”  Tears stung her eyes and she bowed her head in defeat.  “But it’s wrong.  Wrong, Shari.  I… can’t do this.” 

“Why?”  Shari grasped her shoulder and gently slid a lock of Lyn’s hair away from her face.  Her touch was so soft, so tender. 

“It’s against the rules.  They’ll be upset.  Take me away.”  Her eyes felt hot and she abruptly realized that her cheeks were wet.  “They took Mary away,” she whispered as she bit back a sob.  “Just one kiss, and it was all over.”  Her chest heaved and she tightly shut her eyes.  “Dad sent me to Acts of Love to be cured.”  The story flowed from her trembling lips as the tears stung her cheeks and nose.  “I never got to say good-bye, they wouldn’t let me.  She was my best friend.  We were inseparable, but one day we crossed the line.  Kissed. Dad found us.  I never saw her again.”  She gasped and shivered.  Shari’s hands grasped her shoulders, the right straying to stroke Lyn’s cheek.  “I spent five years with them, Shari!  Five!  Nothing they did helped.  I came here for freedom.  Some freedom, but my promise binds me.”  Her tears choked her.  “I… I don’t want to lose you.”  She gasped and shuddered, her tears salty against her lips.  “Like Mary.  I… I really like you.  A lot.” 

There it was said.  Lyn bowed her head, her eyes tightly shut, and waited for the condemnation.  It was finished.  The program would soon learn of this, and she would be taken away.  They would separate them, and she’d never see Shari again.  The tears burned her eyes as what felt like a thunderstorm of emotion rocked her body.  Shari’s arms slid around her trembling body, sheltering her from the maelstrom of feelings that threatened to tear her apart.  Fingers stroked her hair, lips touched her forehead – each touch Lyn clung to as if they were her only anchor in the hurricane of pain and crushed hope that assaulted her.  All of the verses, the prayers, the speeches the program gave her stung her like a swarm of angry bees.  She had to break away from Shari.  Leave, escape, be cured, but the warmth, the comfort, the empathy that Shari freely offered overwhelmed her defenses, and she collapsed into Shari’s arms. 

“You won’t lose me,” Shari whispered, her breath warm against Lyn’s ears.  “I won’t let them take you away.  You’re safe here.” 

“How can I be?”  The words exploded from her mouth.  “They’ll come.  They always do.”  Hopelessness threatened to choke her.  “So lost, alone.  All the time.  Night and day.”  She desperately tilted her head to look Shari in the face, her vision blurry from the tears.  “I can’t take it anymore, Shari!  I can’t.” 

“You don’t have to.  I’m here.  You’re not alone.”  Shari tenderly wiped away the tears, and pulled her into a tight embrace.  “I care about you and I’m not going to let anyone steal you away.  I’m going to take care of you.  You’re safe with me.  I promise.” 

Her lips brushed Lyn’s head, and tentatively, Lyn leaned her head against Shari’s shoulder.  She wanted to believe her friend.  Desperately wanted to believe her, but her memories were too vivid, the threat too stark.  Even Shari’s warmth couldn’t block her rising tide of despair.

It neared the time for her lesson, and reluctantly Lyn let Shari walk her to the music building. Shari had opted to wait for her outside, and so Lyn ventured into the building alone and troubled. She walked past the practice rooms, where a clarinetist and a soprano practiced, their music half muffled by the tightly shut doors the musicians hid behind. She came to the end of the hallway and slid to a stop outside her professor’s office, staring at the piano. She felt so fragile, and her fingers trembled at the thought of even attempting to practice.

“Lyn, you are early.” Her professor walked into the room and sat down in the chair next to the piano. He rolled up his sleeves and picked up his grey notebook that lay at the edge of his desk near the piano. He glanced at her, but then frowned. “How are you feeling? You don’t look well.”

“I’m fine.” Her voice came out as a whisper, and she timidly entered and sat down on the piano bench. “Just a headache.” That didn’t even begin to explain the sudden depression she felt, but she didn’t no how else to express her distress to her teacher. She laid her fingers on the keys, and just sat there unable to move them.

“Do you wish to start with the exercises?”  He opened his notebook and made a mark in it. 

She laid her fingers in the position for her finger stretching exercises, but she made no move to press the keys.  Instead, she sat silently, gathering her courage to play.  As much as she yearned to let loose and play, a part of her cringed at the music, for it unleashed emotions she was already having trouble handling.  Breathing deeply, she flexed her fingers and tried again.  Her fingers pressed against the keys, but the movement was rigid and the music lifeless.  It hurt her ears, and so she stopped playing, and dropped her hands into her lap.

“Or should we perhaps cancel for today?  You look like you need some rest.”  He closed his notebook and leaned forward, his green eyes dark with concern.   

“Em.”  She laid a hand on the keys, pressed down, and a sharp discord rang.  She jerked her hands away and shivered.  “I’m sorry.  I… I thought I could play today…” 

“It’s alright, Lyn.  We still have time before the concert.”  Her professor stood and laid his hand on her shoulder.  “Whatever haunts you is still interrupting your music.  I really think you should seek some help in dealing with it.” 

She sighed.  “I’ll try.” 

“That’s the most anyone can do.”  He sat down on the edge of his desk.  “Like I said yesterday - you can always talk to me.  Bottling it inside will not help.” 

Lyn sighed again and rubbed her forehead.  “Thank you.”  She stood and picked up her backpack.  “Em.”  She slid the bag onto her back, and struggled to ask if the lesson was over.  “Is.. em… this alright?”

Her professor nodded.  “We’ll just cancel for today.  Please try to get some rest.  If you feel up to it, continue practicing on your own, and don’t bottle this in, Lyn. If you ever need any help, feel free to come by anytime.” 

“Thanks.”  She quickly turned away and left the room.  The heat from the building pressed against her skin as she hurried through the halls and through the main doors.  As they swung shut behind her, she breathed a heavy sigh and shivered again despite the warmth from the midday sun.

“Done already?”  Shari sat on a bench near the maples that grew in the lawn in front of the building.  Her crutches lay on the ground by her feet.  She closed her book and slid it into her bag. 

“Cancelled.”  Lyn walked to Shari’s side, sat down next to her, and laid her head on her shoulder.  “I’m scared.”  She closed her eyes and pressed her face into the soft fabric of Shari’s shirt. 

“Scared of what?” 

“I- I want to be with you…”  As soon as the words escaped her mouth, she realized how true they were.  How much she yearned to be with Shari.  “That scares me,” she whispered as tears pricked her eyes.  “But you don’t understand.  They’ll come.  Take me away.” 

“So?” Shari slid her arm around Lyn and held her tightly against her side.  “I’ll be here, and I’m not going to let them hurt you anymore.  You’re not alone, Lyn.  Just remember that, okay?” 

“But you’ll have to leave me!”  Lyn lifted her head and met Shari’s gaze.  “Eventually you’ll have to go back to your housing.  Then they’ll come.  I just know it.” 

“Now you’re sounding paranoid.”  Shari gently stroked Lyn’s cheek.  “If you like, I can pack a bag and stay a few nights.  My dorm isn’t too far from here, and I can introduce you to some pretty cool people.  In fact, you could even stay there.  They’d never find you then.” 

“What about Rumi?”  The idea sounded to good to be true.  “Isn’t pets not allowed in the dorms?”

“Damn.  Forgot that rule.”  Shari sighed.  “Well, that just leaves your apartment.  But if I did move in for a few days, you won’t be alone, and if they do come, they’ll have to contend with me.”  She smiled humorlessly.  “I’m pretty protective of those I care about.” 

Lyn laid her head against Shari’s shoulder again.  “Do you… really think it’d work?”

“Yes.”  Shari’s hand tenderly caressed Lyn’s cheek and hair.  The touch gave Lyn tingles, and she suddenly wanted to kiss Shari again.  To feel her friend’s lips against her own.  The desire was so intense, that she closed her eyes and bit her lip to stop herself from moving.  “Lyn, what is it?”  Her hand dropped away from Lyn’s face.  “You’re tense.” 

“I want to kiss you,” Lyn whispered.  “But I shouldn’t.” 

“Why not?”

“It’s not right.”  The words sounded hollow to her ears.  An echo of the program’s teachings. 

Shari pressed her hands against Lyn’s shoulders and pulled her upright.  “Lyn, look at me.”  Timidly, Lyn opened her eyes to see a frown on Shari’s tanned face.   Her green eyes seemed to bore into Lyn’s own.  “Do you truly believe that?” 

“I don’t know.”  Lyn looked away, hot with shame.  “Maybe.” 

“No.  That is a part of the lie the program has been stuffing down your throat all those years.”  Shari’s voice held a touch of anger.  “Lyn, you can’t think like that.  It’s hurting you.  You need to differentiate between them and you.”  She spoke more gently as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Lyn’s.  “Do you think you can try that?  I’ll do my best to help.”

“What good will it do?”  Despair ravaged Lyn’s heart, and she couldn’t see how anything Shari said would help.  All it would take was one phone call, and she would give in to Bart and tell him everything.  Then they would come and take her away again. 

“It’ll free you from them.”  Shari wrapped her arms tightly around Lyn and laid her cheek against the top of Lyn’s head.  “Get their poison out of your system.  In fact, maybe we should just leave this place.  Find someplace safer, where they can’t reach you.” 

“Where could we go?” 

“I don’t know yet.  But it’s not my call.”  She released Lyn and grasped her shoulders again.  “It’s your decision.  You have to decide whether or not you will talk to them, whatever you think is best.  I’ll support you, but that’s all I can do.  This is your life.  Your decision.” 

Lyn crumpled against Shari’s side.  “I don’t know if I can.”  Tears stung her eyes, and she bit back a sob.  She felt overwhelmed and lost in a maelstrom of emotions – most she couldn’t even decipher what they were.  She felt like the kiss they shared unlocked emotions she had ignored and pushed away for years.  She didn’t know how to handle the sudden barrage, nor did she have the energy to even try to think about anything other than Shari’s presence next to her.

“You can.”  Shari slid her arms around Lyn and gently helped her sit upright again.  “But for now, let’s get you home.  Try taking a nap.  You’re way too pale.” 

“Em.  If you think it’ll help.”  Lyn rubbed her eyes and wiped the tears on her jeans. 

“Bet it will.”  Shari picked up her crutches and stood.  “Come on.  If you like, we can talk and walk as well.  Whatever you want.” 

They had only walked for a few minutes before Lyn found the courage to rest her hand against Shari’s, which loosely gripped the crutch.  Shari smiled and curled two of her fingers around Lyn’s. 

“Professor knows something’s wrong.”  Lyn kept her eyes on the sidewalk and her hand intertwined with Shari’s. 

“Did you talk to him about it?”

“No.  If related to music, maybe I would.” 

Shari stopped walking, leaned against her crutches, and held Lyn’s hand tighter.  “Is there anyone you trust here?”

“You.”  Lyn finally met Shari’s gaze and tried to smile, but it wobbled and the tears threatened to fall yet again.  Tenderly, Shari slid her arms around Lyn and held her tightly, her lips brushing against Lyn’s forehead.  Lyn curled her arms around her friend, and buried her face in Shari’s shoulder.  She abruptly realized that the kiss had changed something within her – given her a new courage that she didn’t know she had.  As much as she struggled against her sexuality, there was still a part of her, deeply hidden, that accepted it, and the more time she spent with Shari, the more that part of her began to dig its way out of its prison.  “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered. 

“So am I.”  Shari squeezed her, then reluctantly pulled free.  “Now let’s get back to that apartment.”  She smiled and winked.  “Maybe we can even have some fun.  Bet it’ll cheer you.  And Rumi will be glad to see us.” 

“Yeah.”  Lyn smiled back and slid her fingers into Shari’s again.  The pair walked in a comfortable silence back to the apartment.

Lyn sat cross-legged on her bed as Shari lay on her side next to her. Rumi lay curled atop her desk asleep. She hummed to the concerto on her music player and etched in the key change in her score. The homework that she had forgotten lay finished next to her, and her homework for next week was going relatively fast. It was strange how easy it was for Lyn to think when Shari was reading a book next to her. Before she had been in such a state of agitation that she couldn’t focus on anything, but since Shari said she’d stay with her, Lyn found herself calmer and less disturbed.

“Almost done?” Shari’s voice startled Lyn out of her musings, and she looked up to see Shari smiling.

“Yeah.” The concerto drew to a close, and Lyn shut her music book. “You?”

“Been done for while.” She laughed. “I found it fun to just watch you and listen. No idea what you were doing, but whatever it was, it had you smiling.” She winked, “that’s always good to see.”

Lyn blushed and ducked her head not sure how to respond.

Shari laughed again. “You’re so cute when you do that.” She sat upright and suddenly wrapped her arms around Lyn. “How are you feeling?”

“Em.” Shari’s warmth gave her butterflies in her stomach, and she turned her head to look Shari in the face. They sat so close together that Lyn found it hard to breathe. “Not sure…” she said weakly.

“Then is this okay?”

“Yes.” The word jumped out of her mouth, and a blush tinged Lyn’s cheeks. She didn’t want Shari to ever let go. In fact, she desperately wanted Shari to kiss her. Those feelings were almost overwhelming. “Please.”

For the second time that day, Lyn found herself leaning forward and planting her lips on Shari’s. This time, she let herself flow with the torrent of feelings that bombarded her. The feel of Shari’s smooth skin against her own, their lips touching, her soft hair between her fingers. She fell lightly against her blankets as Shari lay atop of her and her hands stroked Lyn’s hair and face.

The phone rang. Its shrill tone cut through the blissful moment, and Shari slid to one side in surprise. Both of them glanced at the phone as it rang again.

“No, no, no.” Lyn shook her head. “It can’t be them, right?”

“Let’s find out.” Shari stood, grabbed only one crutch, and limped to the phone. As it rang a third time, she lifted it from its receiver, cutting the ring short. “Hello?” Her eyebrows rose at the response. “I’m sorry, but she can’t come to the phone right now. Would you like to leave a message?”

This time the silence lasted for several minutes, and as the time passed, Shari’s lips pursed and her eyes narrowed. Lyn started to stand fretfully, but Shari waved at her to stay where she was. What was the person saying? Shari looked almost angry.

“Okay. I’ll let her know. Bye.” She slammed the receiver down and turned to Lyn with her hands on her hips, still balanced on her good foot. “That guy who calls you. Bart is it?”

Lyn pressed her hands against her knees and nodded. “It was him, wasn’t it?” Her voice was soft and she couldn’t keep the tremble from her voice.

In an instant, Shari was at her side, the crutch falling to the floor beside the bed. She held her and gently pressed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “Yeah, but it’s alright. He lectured me pretty much, but that was all. You’re safe, okay?”

“Safe?” Lyn pressed her face against Shari’s shoulder. “I keep kissing you. Just can’t stop myself. If they find out, they can’t find out. It’ll all be gone…” Tears stung her eyes and her shoulders began to shake. “I want… I want to be with you…”

“I know.” Shari’s fingers gently stroked her hair. “And I will be here.” Gently, she pulled away and held Lyn’s shoulders with a smile. “Look at today, Lyn. You kissed me twice, told me what was wrong, sought help, and here you are letting me help you. Allowing me to protect you from them. That’s a long way to go in just one day.”

Lyn curled her fingers around Shari’s arm. “Em. Yeah.” She shivered and closed her eyes. “It’s too fast.”

“Then take it easy.” Shari tenderly pushed Lyn against the pillows. “If you like, we can focus more on sorting out your feelings and wait on the physical stuff.”

“Physical.” Lyn opened her eyes and grasped Shari’s hands. “Why is it so intense?”

Shari smiled and pushed a lock of Lyn’s hair from her face. “It’s the physical expression of your feelings. That’s all.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “Lyn, I very much want to keep kissing, but I think maybe you need a break. Think about today. Rest. How about that?”

“Okay.” Lyn clung to Shari’s touch, unwilling to let go. “But you’ll… em… stay?”

“Of course.” Shari lay down next to her and curled one of her arms around Lyn, her other hand still holding Lyn’s. “As long as you want me, I’ll stay.”

“Thank you.” A smile creased Lyn’s lips and she lay her head in the crook of Shari’s arm. The peace she felt in her heart from just lying next to Shari made her wonder even more if the program was wrong. Just this morning she had felt divided and soiled by just sleeping next to Shari, but the moment she let go of what the program told her and let herself just be, she felt peace and happiness. Something she had never felt in the program. A deep gratefulness infused her and she pressed closer to Shari’s warm body.

“I want to know more about you,” Lyn whispered as she lifted her head slightly to look into Shari’s face. A smile curved the woman’s lips and she smoothed back Lyn’s hair with her fingertips.

“Alright. Not sure where to start. I mean, I haven’t lived that exciting a life.” She laughed softly. “Grew up on a farm. Then came here. What would you like to know?”

“Everything.” Lyn smiled shyly. “Likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, happy memories, sad ones, everything.”

“That’s a tall order.” Shari laughed again and lightly brushed her lips against Lyn’s forehead. “I’m more than willing. Though I can’t help but want to know the same about you.”

“You will.” Lyn trailed her fingers along Shari’s arm. “I, em, not great at talking, but I’ll try.”

“That’s the best anyone can do.” Shari held her closer, her smile mirroring the tenderness in her eyes.

They had spent nearly two hours just talking quietly on the bed when the phone rang again. This time Lyn stood to answer it. Rumi raised his head at the sound, and his dark eyes seemed to glow in the dim light of the room. Her hand hovered over the receiver, but she didn’t pick it up.

The phone rang again.

“I can answer it, if you’d like.” Shari spoke softly, gently. She sat on the edge of the bed, her hands pressed against the comforter like she was about to jump and run to Lyn’s side at any moment.

Lyn shook her head. “Em, thanks, but it might be Ana from class.” The words gave her some courage – enough to pick up the receiver. “Hello, It’s Lyn.”

“Lyn!” Ana’s voice echoed in her ear, and a wave of relief caused Lyn to sit down roughly in a chair. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes.”

“Good to hear. Listen, do you still want to study before worship?”

Lyn curled her fingers into a fist and then uncurled them till they lay flat in her lap. “Yeah. But after, em, I may not go.”

“Go to what? Worship?”

“Yeah.”

“Why not?” Concern trickled through Ana’s voice. “Is it because of the music? If so, then really, you shouldn’t be that bothered by it. I know they’re bad, but they do it for Christ. That’s what really matters.”

“No, that’s not it.” Lyn stood and walked over to the counter where the cat food was stored in the cabinet above her bread box. Rumi hopped down from the desk and walked to her side, his tail brushing against her leg. She grasped the bag and poured a little into the bowl next to his water. “I don’t like it there. Em. Too crowded. Don’t fit in.” She struggled to find words that Ana would understand. “Em, I, em, don’t feel called to go.” It was an often used phrase in the program. Feeling called to do something was a sign that God wanted this for you. At least that was what Bart had told her over and over again.

“Oh. That’s sad. Have you found a place you can go to instead?”

“Not yet.” Lyn placed the bag back in the cabinet. She paused to stroke Rumi’s soft fur. His raised his back legs at the movement but continued to eat. “Still looking.” She walked back to the bed and sat down next to Shari. The woman was so tense, and Lyn didn’t want her to worry, so she slid her hand into Shari’s and gave her a faint smile. Shari seemed to understand for she visibly relaxed, her arm sliding around Lyn’s shoulders. Lyn leaned into the touch. “Are, em, mad at me?”

“Of course not! Just because you don’t want to go to worship, doesn’t mean we aren’t friends, silly.” Ana gave a little laugh. “I just pray you find a church for you soon. Though maybe you should still go until you find one? It’s always better to be with fellow Christians, you know? To help your spiritual life. And I’m sure someone there might know of a good church.”

“No.” Lyn stiffened and clutched the phone tightly. “But thanks for the offer. I…” She breathed deeply and forced the words out of her mouth, “I need to go now. What time and where?”

“To meet for studying?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, I was thinking the library or maybe your place about an hour and a half before worship. Does that work for you?”

“Yeah. Come to my place. You know where?” She didn’t want to leave her apartment, and she wasn’t sure where the library was. She had only gone to the university one once. She mostly used the public library just on the other side of the park.

There was a slight pause. “Forest apartments I think. Second floor somewhere right?”

“Yeah. 260.”

“Awesome! I’ll see you then. Take care, and I’ll be praying.”

Lyn murmured a goodbye and pressed the off button on the phone. She leaned her head against Shari’s shoulder. “That was Ana. Friend from class. Wants to study.”

“That’s cool.” Shari slid her arm around Lyn’s waist and pressed her cheek against Lyn’s hair. “What time?”

“Wednesday at six-thirty.” Lyn trailed her fingers along Shari’s thigh. “I was afraid at first.”

“That it was Bart?” When Lyn nodded, Shari wrapped her other arm around Lyn and held her close. “He won’t call again today. Maybe tomorrow, but if you like, I can answer the phone for you.”

Lyn pressed her face against Shari’s shoulder. “You can’t keep doing that. I… I need…” She wasn’t even sure what she needed. What she wanted was to be with Shari, but that would be impossible if she stayed with the program.

“Need what?” Shari’s voice tickled her ear.

“You.” The urge to kiss Shari engrossed her, but she felt too shy this time. Instead she slid her fingers down Shari’s cheek. “I… I feel safe. Peaceful with you. I… I don’t want to lose that. Lose you.”

“Lyn.” Shari held her tightly and whispered in her ear. “You won’t. I will do all I can to help you. To keep you safe. If Bart or that program tries anything, I can help you legally protest. They don’t have the right to take you anywhere against your will. You’re old enough to make your own decisions. They have no hold on you.”

“Do they?” Lyn wished Shari’s words were true, but she felt that they not only had a hold on her, but also her mind and spirit. That moment, when Shari and her had kissed, her mind hadn’t been horrified or repulsed, but scared. Scared not of Shari, but of the program. Of what they would do. “I feel like they do.”

“That’s what they want you to think.” Shari pulled away and her blue eyes held Lyn’s gaze. “They’ve drilled that into you for five years. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to stop thinking that. You are a free person. You have the right to make your own decisions. To see all sides of a discussion, and to make your own opinion. Don’t let anyone try to force you to believe something.”

Lyn sighed and laid her head against Shari’s shoulder. “I’m not sure what to believe anymore.”

“Believe in love.” Shari’s arm encircled Lyn and her chin rested against Lyn’s shoulder. “God is Love as the Bible says. And Love does no harm. You can trust and believe in that.”

“That’s what they say though.” Lyn closed her eyes. “But then they say that homosexuality is wrong. That it’s a sin. That I need to be cured in order to be saved. That if I don’t give it to Christ and let Christ heal me then I will go to Hell. Then they have me hug males tightly, feel their body against mine – and encourage, em…” She couldn’t continue. Just the thought of those exercises terrified her.

Shari stiffened and pulled away to search Lyn’s face. “They forced you to hug guys so you can feel their penises? That’s demoralizing! What did they encourage?” When Lyn didn’t answer, Shari gently caressed her cheek. “If you can’t talk about it now, I’ll understand. But maybe it will help if you tell me.”

Lyn opened her eyes and met Shari’s concerned gaze. She felt weak and frightened, but at the same time, emboldened by Shari’s caring. “Masturbation. Encouraged it only if we thought of the other sex. Gave us exercises to focus on the sexuality of the other sex. Then would tell us that’s a sin. That we needed to seek God’s forgiveness for doing anything sexual.”

“What the hell?” Shari’s eyes narrowed in anger and concern. “Lyn… did they really?”

Tears stung her eyes. “Yes… and I hated it, Shari!” Sobs racked her body, and the words flowed out of her in a torrent of emotion. “But I couldn’t leave. Dad won’t let me go home until I graduate. Till I’m cured. Can’t talk to my Mom, he won’t let me. None of my friends from home talk to me anymore. Nowhere to go.”

“No.” Shari brushed away her tears. “You have somewhere to go now. You have me. I will always welcome you with open arms. And so will my family. I’m sure of it. So don’t ever think you have nowhere to go, okay? For you do. Even if your Dad won’t let you go home, even if the program tries to trap you, you can still come to me. You don’t have to live like this anymore, Lyn. I can help you. Will you let me?”

Lyn sucked back a sob and nodded tentatively.

“Don’t worry, okay?” Shari smiled, but it was a mirthless smile. “What they did to you was wrong. Horribly wrong, and against Christ’s teachings. Geesh, I don’t even know how they could have rationalized those exercises with the Bible! It doesn’t make sense. And it’s disgusting. Don’t let them treat you like that, Lyn. You’re worth more than that. You deserve more.” She laid her hands on Lyn’s cheeks. “You are a beautiful child of God, and He made you the way you are. You are not a freak, nor do you have a disease. Don’t let them try to take that truth away. You can’t deny a piece of yourself. It’s not something that will just go away.”

“They say it does. They say you have to tell yourself. Believe it will, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy it’ll happen.”

“But then how does that relate to Christ healing you?” Shari dropped her hands into her lap and frowned. “This doesn’t make any sense, Lyn. Do you see this? How contradictory they sound?”

Lyn looked down at her hands. “Five years of it.” A deep sadness overwhelmed her. That was a huge chunk of her life she could never take back. “I tried so hard to believe. To heal like they wanted. But I felt like… like I was dying inside. I never fit in. Was different from the others. Dad and Mom used to be so loving. But then the day Dad caught me and Mary. He turned against me. I was sick. Had to be healed. I felt I lost him. Everything. That the only way to get it back was to do as they said. But I failed. This was a test. To see if I was ready to go out on my own. They thought that I was healed, but I failed. Bart was just to check up on me. To make sure things were going okay. But… but…” She pressed her face into her hands.

“You didn’t fail.” Shari spoke gently as she touched Lyn’s shoulder. “You just had enough. You say you felt like you were dying. You were. Denying any piece of yourself does that to you.” She leaned forward and planted a kiss on Lyn’s forehead. “You are worth more than that. God didn’t create you to live halfway. But to live fully.”

“Help me do that, Shari.” Lyn wrapped her arms around Shari. “I don’t know how. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if they come. If they try to take you away.”

“They won’t,” Shari said fiercely. She held Lyn tightly. “Not while I’m here.”

Lyn smiled and leaned closer. More than ever she wanted to just let go and kiss Shari, let Shari touch her everywhere. To share herself completely and utterly. “I think… I think I might love you.”

Shari curled a lock of her hair behind her ear and smiled tenderly. “I know.”

The next moment, Lyn found herself kissing Shari again. They fell onto the bed together, kissing, stroking each other’s breasts, sides. The soft touch of Shari’s skin ignited her passion, and she slid her hand between Shari’s shirt and pants, touching the skin there. As they paused for breath, Shari whispered, “Are you sure? You said this was too fast earlier.”

Lyn kissed the side of Shari’s mouth as she lay atop of her. “Yes… but I want this so much.”

“So do I.” Shari spoke huskily, but she slid out from under Lyn. She laid her head on her arm and wrapped her other one around Lyn’s body. “But I don’t think you’re ready yet. Right? Plus your friend is coming.”

Lyn laid her head next to Shari’s and snuggled under Shari’s arm, her own curled around Shari’s torso. “Em, yeah.” She blushed. “I…” Her voice trailed away. “Not a good time yet.”

“We have plenty of time.” Shari smiled and laid the back of her hand against Lyn’s cheek. “Let’s take it slow like you said just a bit ago, okay? I don’t want this to emotionally overwhelm you. Especially since we have a lot to deal with – like if that program tries anything.”

Lyn nodded. “Okay.” She pushed herself upright and smiled shyly. “Maybe we should eat?”

Shari grinned. “Now that’s an excellent idea! I am starving. And you look like you could always use more food.” She reached out and cupped Lyn’s chin in her palm. Gently and slowly, she kissed Lyn’s lips. As she pulled away, she stood and grasped Lyn’s hands. “What would you like to eat?”

“Something with no meat.” Lyn let Shari pull her to her feet. “Maybe veggie lasagna?”

“Sounds perfect to me.” Shari's grin was infectious, and Lyn found herself returning the smile.

Lyn woke the next morning to find Shari next to her yet again. Shari had just slept in her clothes from the day before, and she lay curled up on the other side of the bed. Lyn sat up and just watched Shari, who lay on her side, half under the covers. True to her word, Shari did not touch her again the rest of the evening and had stayed on her side of the bed at night. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she had initiated all of the kissing, and that Shari had only responded to her touch. She looked down at her hands in wonderment and confusion. She started yesterday in fear, and then Shari somehow managed to draw her out of that fear. She slid out of bed, and glanced at the calender she had hanging next to her window. It was Wednesday, but it was six in the morning. Her class wasn't until nine. She still had a few hours.

She sat down at her desk, and almost immediately, Rumi jumped into her lap. She smiled and gently stroked his fur. It amazed her how calm she felt. Peaceful. Leaning back in her chair, she looked at the ceiling and thought about yesterday. How she had kissed Shari three times, even after she agreed to wait on the physical touching. Her emotions had been so intense yesterday, so out of control. She sighed and looked down at her desk. At the edge of it, half hidden by papers, was her journal.

"Maybe writing'll help?" she murmured to Rumi, her voice soft so she wouldn't wake Shari. Rumi purred. She took that as a yes, and pulled it free from the papers. She flipped through it, disappointed in the fact that she barely wrote in it. In fact, the last entry was from a year ago.

March 22, 2005

Bart says I need to believe that I will change, and like a self-fulling prophecy it will happen.

Believe. I'm believing. I believe I will change.

I hurt inside though. My heart hurts. And I keep thinking about Mary. Is she going through this too?

The words stung. Lyn flipped to the front of the journal and stared in disbelief.

December 5, 2001

Today is the day! I get to spend the night at Mary’s house! I’ve waited all week for this. But it’s passed by far too slowly. Teacher said I must be excited because I couldn’t concentrate in my jazz lessons. He chided me with being too caught up in the materialistic world. I told him that it was a slumber party with my best friend. We’ll be playing board games and having pillow fights mostly. He just laughed at that. Said I was such an innocent. I don’t know why. What does other people do at sleep overs?

Lately though, I’ve noticed how high strung Dad is. Ever since I’ve entered high school, his sermons have taken on a dramatic flair. Really Dad. I’m not going to be corrupted just by walking into a high school. Geesh. My friends are still the same, and I don’t do anything different. Music is still my forte. Speaking of music, I still have that Chadwick piece to memorize. It’ll be my audition piece for the university. Oh gosh, I can hardly believe it! In two years I’ll be going to the most famous university in the state! The best musical program in the nation! What could be better? Mary of course. She rivals my music anytime.

Lyn stared at the page. This was before her father walked in on her and Mary kissing. That first and only kiss they had ever done outside of Mary's room. The one kiss that wasn't just practice. Her fingers tightened on the journal as a new, troubling thought entered her mind. What if none of those practice kisses they had shared in Mary's room was for practice? What if Mary meant those, but only hid behind the word practice? The thought seemed crazy. She started to shake her head, but then the words in her next journal entry caught her eye.

December 6, 2001

Mary's still asleep. I'm at her house for the night, and it's six-thirty in the morning. Can't go back to sleep. Too jittery. Wish I could play. But it's too early, plus Mary doesn't have a piano.

She was so intense last night. And what we talked about. I don't fully understand, but it felt...

Lyn looked away from the page, trembling, as a sudden memory of Mary kissing her burst into her mind. How Mary had touched her breast, the warmth they had shared. She felt faint from the memory. That was too much like what Shari and her had shared last night before Shari had stopped her from going too far, into territory that Lyn knew she wasn't ready for, despite her intense emotions. She had been completely out of control last night, and she felt grateful Shari had recognized that.

She looked down at the journal and tentatively ran her finger down the middle binding. What did Mary and her have? "I need to remember," she told Rumi softly. "No matter what." Rumi lifted his head and looked at her with his dark eyes. She stroked his head and then pulled out some paper from the back of her music notebook. Laying her journal flat against the desk, she turned back to the December 5 entry and began to write. Not only what she wrote in the entry, but everything she remembered after she set those words on paper:

“Lyn!”

She jumped and slammed her journal shut. “What?” Turning, she saw her father standing directly behind the sofa. He frowned and gestured to her journal. Lyn’s hand slid protectively over it.

“Writing I see.” He cleared his throat and placed his hands on the back of the sofa. “Look, Lyn. This is going to be a busy weekend. Maybe you shouldn’t go to your friend’s tonight. I may need you tomorrow morning to prepare for the celebration.”

Lyn scowled. “Dad, we had this planned for weeks. You never once mentioned this, this, em, whatever.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Why do you need my help anyway? You gave permission for the sleep over.”

“Yes, I know I did.” Her father sighed. “Lyn, I am concerned for you. Lately, you haven’t been yourself.”

Her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Dad, what are you talking about? I’ve been plenty myself. In fact, I’ve never felt happier.”

“It’s just little changes in your behavior,” her father continued, ignoring her protest. “You don’t listen as much. You sneak out of the house – ”

“Dad!” Lyn jumped to her feet. “When have I ever snuck anywhere? I always ask for permission to leave!”

“You did not ask me about that movie you and Mary saw.” Her father straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you had, I would not have allowed it. That is a very un-Christian movie.”

“Princess Bride?” Lyn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Dad, that movie is a comedy. A fantasy comedy about true love. And it ends with them living a happy, committed life together. How is that un-Christian?”

“The deeper meaning is based upon magic.”

“That’s ridiculous. And besides, I asked Mom and she said yes. So I went.”

“Asking your mother does not mean the same thing as asking me.” Her father leaned forward and grasped Lyn’s shoulder. “We live in a dangerous time, Lyn. Our society is full of temptation and philosophies laced with anti-Christian messages. As your father and pastor, I simply cannot –“

Lyn jerked free of his touch. “I’m sixteen for heaven’s sake, Dad! Stop treating me like I’m eight!” She spun on her heel and stalked toward the door, only to be pulled to a stop by her father’s strong hand.

“This is exactly the behavior that concerns me.” Her father held her tightly, and despite Lyn’s attempt to shrug him off, he only held her shoulder even tighter. “You are hiding something, Lyn. Please, just confess it, and become right with Christ again.”

Shocked, Lyn stared at him. This entire conversation boggled her mind. Her relationship with Christ couldn’t be better. She prayed nightly, and often in her head throughout the day. Read at least one passage from the Bible every morning, and attended every youth event at her father’s church. Why did he think she was falling away? It didn’t make sense.

“This is why I would prefer you stay home tonight.” Her father released her shoulder and took a step backward. “I know I haven’t had time lately for you with the Church and all, but tonight I want to make this up to you with a prayer hour. There’s some verses we need to discuss.”

“And what are those?”

“Romans. Specifically chapter 1 verse 26.”

“Mary and I’ll look at it tonight, and we can talk about it tomorrow, okay, Dad?” Lyn crossed her arms over her chest and met his gaze with a stubborn one of her own.

He sighed. “Fine. But go straight there and back. No side trips. Promise?”

“Promise.” Lyn turned and ran out of the room before he could utter another word.

Lyn's hand shook as she paused in her writing. How long had her father been suspicious of her sexuality? Had he known before she had? She had never thought about it before. She'd been so focused on getting rid of it these past five years that she never once thought about how she ended up in the program. It was memories she had tried to lock away so carefully. She pressed a hand against her forehead, her other hand tightly clutching her pencil. Part of it was because the memories contained Mary, and she couldn't think of Mary while in the program. Thinking of Mary brought the feelings back, the same things she had tried so hard to destroy.

"Okay, Rumi," she said to her cat. "I've got to remember. All of it. No holding back." Her cat purred and kneaded his paws against her leg. She stroked his head again, and then turned back to her writing and remembering:

Mary lived only a block from her home, and it was a short walk. Just five minutes if Lyn took her time. Today she did, because her argument with her father still disturbed her. None of it made sense. Especially the last bit concerning Romans 1:26. She hadn’t looked it up yet, just grabbed her Bible and her backpack and escaped out the front door, but whatever it is, Dad apparently thought it applied to her.

She sighed and slid her free hand into her pocket as her other hand tightly clenched her study Bible. A slight breeze tugged her hair into her face, and Lyn ducked her head slightly to keep the strands from her eyes. A few leaves drifted on the wind, the last to fall from the trees, and a slight chill marked the end of autumn. Lyn shivered in her zipped coat and scrunched her shoulders against the chill in the air. Her feet took her down the concrete walk and past the fence that bordered the back yard of Mary’s house. Their family dog barked a greeting from the other side of the fence, and she paused to pet the husky’s snout. His greenish-yellow eyes twinkled, and he jumped up, putting his paws on the top of the fence, and tried to lick her face.

“Hey there, buddy.” Lyn backed away with a short, nervous laugh. “I like you. But not that much.”

“Rayford bothering you again?” Mary’s voice called from the porch. She laughed and bounded down the steps to join Lyn by the fence. “He’s just very friendly. You know he won’t hurt you.” She reached over the fence and scratched under his chin. He leaned into the scratch, his eyes closing with pleasure.

“Sure.” Lyn smiled faintly. “He’s cute but, em, big.”

“He’s a full grown husky.” Mary laughed again and slid her arm through Lyn’s. “Come on, let’s go inside. I’m cold.”

“With no shoes and no coat?” Lyn rolled her eyes, but smiled as she walked down the side of the house to the front porch. “Of course, you’re cold.”

“And what about you, oh shivering one?” Mary teased. “You have the coat and shoes.”

“I’ve been outside longer.” Lyn shot back.

Mary just laughed and tugged open the door. “Get inside, you wimp before we both freeze our buns off.” She tapped Lyn on the rear. Lyn giggled as she stepped inside and into their front foyer. Mary shut the door behind them and stomped her feet as she rubbed her hands. “Too cold. Why can’t winter come later?”

“Then it’d creep into summer.” Lyn unzipped her coat and slid her backpack off her shoulders. Mary grasped it and gestured to her Bible.

“Something up, I take it?”

“How’d you know?” Lyn shrugged off her coat and hung it on the coat rack next to the door.

“Well. Let’s see. First, you’re early. Second, you’re tense, and third, you’re carrying your Bible.” She held up a finger for each point. “Add them together and it equals ‘something bothers my best buddy.’”

“Astute as usual.” Lyn tried to smile, but it shook at the corners and she looked down at her Bible that she still tightly held in her hand. She wasn’t entirely sure how to explain the weird conversation with her father, and why she wanted to come early to escape confronting him again. It had been so sudden and just plain weird.

Mary tapped her lower lip. “Alright. Bedroom time.” She grabbed Lyn’s arm and dragged her past the family kitchen and up the stairs to her room. Shutting the door behind them, she gestured to the slightly messy bed. Lyn stood awkwardly in front of the door, and stared at the green covers. Mary gave her a slight push, and she tumbled forward onto the bed, her Bible dropping onto the blanket beside her. “Too tense. You need to loosen up.” Mary jumped on the bed beside her and pushed Lyn against the pillows. Her hand grasped Lyn’s right wrist, and her other hand lay flat on the bed next to Lyn’s head. Mary leaned over her and smiled. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

Lyn was never entirely certain what Mary thought, but all she could think about when they sat on the bed like this was Mary’s thin red lips and her flushed cheeks. She just settled for a nod. Mary laughed and leaned down, her hair brushing Lyn’s cheeks and shoulders. “Practice time!” she whispered in Lyn’s ear. Her friend’s breath against the inside of her ear nearly overwhelmed Lyn’s senses. Did Mary feel this as intensely as she did? It had been a game they played since middle school, but Lyn’s feelings had only grown stronger over the years. Now it only took a smile from Mary to send Lyn’s heart beating twice as fast.

Mary’s lips touched her own, and Lyn struggled not to wrap her arms around her friend and return the kiss with everything she had. The kiss lasted longer than usual, and Mary’s hand slid down Lyn’s arm to touch the side of her breast through the shirt. Heat flushed Lyn’s cheeks, and despite her focus on just lying still, her left hand reached up and stroked Mary’s cheek. Her friend pulled away and smiled.

“Feel better?”

“Maybe if you kissed me again,” Lyn shot back.

Mary’s eyebrows rose, and to Lyn’s surprise, her friend leaned forward and kissed her a second time. This time, Mary lay down next to Lyn and pressed her hand against Lyn’s breast as her tongue gently pushed Lyn’s mouth open. All thought vanished and she leaned into the kiss, her left arm wrapped around Mary’s back as her right strayed to Mary’s cheek. Pausing only for breath, the pair kissed longer and more passionately than in any of their previous games. Mary’s hand slid under Lyn’s shirt, and as her fingers touched Lyn’s bare breast, Lyn felt heat and pleasure overwhelm her body. The urge to just slide Mary’s shirt off and touch her breasts was overwhelming, but Lyn kept her left hand at Mary’s neck and her right against her cheek.

Time had no meaning, and when Mary finally pulled away, her hand still on Lyn’s breast, Lyn felt light-headed and was grinning nearly from ear to ear. “Now you’re better,” Mary said with a decisive nod.

“More than better,” Lyn gasped out, still breathless from the intense kiss.

Mary laughed and snuggled against Lyn. “Good. My plan is completed.” She kissed Lyn’s cheek and squeezed her breast once before sliding her hand free. Lyn hid her face in Mary’s hair to keep her friend from seeing her blush. “You’re so cute when you do that, you know.” Her friend gently tucked a strand of Lyn’s dark hair behind her ear.

“You’re cute all the time,” Lyn mumbled into Mary’s hair.

Her friend just laughed. “So what was it? Usually it takes just one kiss to loosen you up.”

“Just my Dad.” Lyn sighed. “He jumped on me out of the blue with this weird crap about me not being myself. And that I need to get right with Christ and stuff.”

Mary pushed herself up with one arm and regarded Lyn somberly. “Really? Why?”

“I don’t know!” Lyn faced the ceiling, her arms spread eagle on the bed. “I was just sitting there, writing in my journal, thinking of you and how the sleepover was just an hour away, and then he marches in and starts saying all this awful stuff. Like I was going behind him by asking Mom about the movie instead of him. And how he didn’t want me to come over tonight because he wanted to sit down and talk to me about Romans chapter 1 verse 26 and pray for an hour. I’m still kinda in shock about it. It came out of nowhere.”

“That is weird.” Mary leaned her head against Lyn’s breasts, grabbed Lyn’s left hand, and held it against her chest. “What does that verse say anyway?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I grabbed my Bible. I was too flustered to sit and look it up. Just came right over.” Lyn felt awkward and confused by Mary’s constant touching. As much as she adored it, it seemed out of place with the usual rules of their game, but then Mary had announced this practice time. Lyn sighed and rubbed her brow with her free hand.

“Good plan.” Mary titled her head and smiled, her green eyes sparkling. “We’ll take a look at that verse, laugh at your Dad’s paranoia, and then spend the rest of the evening playing our game. And then you’ll cease to worry and everything will be fine again.”

Lyn snorted. “Sure. Then I’ll go home, Dad pounces, and starts a lecture where I don’t really listen…” She sighed. “Though what gets me, is that he seemed really upset about it all.”

“That’s because he’s a control freak, and he wants you to do everything he says 24/7.” To Lyn’s surprise, Mary’s voice held a twinge of anger.

“He’s not that bad. Just a concerned father,” Lyn protested weakly.

Mary turned on her side and held Lyn’s hand with both of her own. “You know I’m right. If he had his way, he’d keep you sequestered in your room to protect you from the evils of society that he rants about in his sermons all the time.”

Lyn raised her eyebrows. “Sequestered? Reading much lately?”

“Just to surprise you with my mad vocab skills.” Mary abruptly released Lyn’s hand and rose up just enough to kiss Lyn on the tip of her nose. “Look,” she said gently, her face only an inch from Lyn’s own. “We’re together right now. Let’s enjoy that before you have to leave, okay? Forget about your Dad a bit, and let’s just enjoy us.”

“Okay,” Lyn breathed out, dizzy from the kiss and the closeness. Mary was being incredibly intense tonight and far more touchy-feely than usual. In fact, this didn’t feel like the usual game of practice kiss and cuddling battle. It felt warmer, more new. Like their friendship was evolving into something new and exciting. It had happened gradually over the past year, Lyn had noticed, but tonight was even more intense than usual.

“Good.” Mary tucked her head against Lyn’s side and sighed. As they cuddled, Lyn wondered if Mary felt the same way about their friendship. As if it was evolving and slowly entering new territory. Good territory that felt happy and exciting. Her friend rarely talked about their practice sessions except for maybe a joke or two about knowing what to do if a guy tried to kiss them. She never talked about the game itself unless they were both alone in one of their rooms.

“Mary?”

“Yeah?” She turned on her side and tucked her hands under her cheek. A smile lit her face, the dimple quite prominent.

“You’re… you’re really intense tonight…” Lyn turned onto her side to face her friend. “More so than usual.”

Mary’s smile faded slightly. “Does it bother you?”

“No!” Lyn shook her head and reached out to grasp Mary’s left elbow. “I… I like it… a lot. Just…” She felt suddenly shy and for the first time afraid.

“Just…?” Mary slid one hand free and trailed it over Lyn’s cheek.

“What are we?” Lyn struggled to make some coherent sense out of her inflamed emotions and disheveled thoughts, but it was hard to think with Mary’s hand stroking her cheek. “I… I mean, we’re friends?”

“Yes.” Mary smiled. “But more than that too.”

“Like sisters?”

Mary giggled. “A sisterhood of friendship. Maybe even more than that, and that’s okay. It is okay, right?” A hint of worry colored her friend’s gentle voice.

“Yes, yes yes!” Lyn timidly touched Mary’s hair that lay atop her body and spilled onto the bed between them. “It’s wonderful. So wonderful.” Lyn smiled, but she felt tears in her eyes. “I… I’m just confused.”

“Aren’t you always?” Mary laughed quietly, and pulled Lyn into an embrace. She paused and just held Lyn tightly in her arms, her cheeks against the top of Lyn’s head. The warmth of her friend soothed Lyn’s confusion, and she leaned her head against Mary’s shoulder, content not to move. Was this just a game? What had they been playing? Those questions had wandered in and out of her mind ever since Mary had initiated the kissing aspect of the game a few months ago. It was the one part of the game they had yet to play outside of Mary’s room.

“I love you.” The words burst from Mary’s mouth, and Lyn lifted her head in surprise. “I mean, I really, really love you.” Tears glinted in Mary’s eyes, one escaping down her cheek.

“Mary…” Lyn gently brushed away the tear. “Em…”

Her friend laughed softly and shook her head. “I’m being dramatic as usual. You know how I get.”

“Yeah. I do,” Lyn replied seriously, “and I know when you’re upset too. So stop hiding it, and just say it.”

Mary sighed and rolled onto her back. “It’s just the rumors going around school. Some of them are pretty ridiculous, but others kinda hurt. And well, my parents got wind of them, and they had a talk with me the other night.”

“Like my Dad’s?”

“Not that bad.” Mary smiled and turned her head to meet Lyn’s concerned gaze. “They just wanted to give me the sex talk. That’s all.”

“Woah!” Lyn pushed herself into a sitting position. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. They also gave me some pamphlets. One of them I found highly ironic.” Mary abruptly slid off the bed and padded over to her desk on the other side of the room. She opened the top drawer and pulled out a pamphlet. Tossing it at the bed, she grabbed two more and shut the drawer with her hip. Lyn tentatively picked up the one closest to her and blinked at the bright red letters at the front that read: “The ins and outs of sex. What school doesn’t teach you about your body.”

“Fun, isn’t it?” Mary plopped down at the bed and held up the other two. One had a picture of ovaries, and read: “Your sex in a nutshell.” The other one startled Lyn with its bright blue lettering: “Homosexuality: Just the Facts.” Mary laid them next to Lyn’s knee and propped her chin up on her hands. “Mom and Dad were just concerned I think since some of the rumors were about me being a whore, a dyke, a disgusting pig.” She waved her hand dismissively. “You know, just the usual crap.”

Lyn stared at the pamphlets. “No, I didn’t know.” She felt suddenly punched in the stomach. “I… I didn’t know they called you names…”

Mary flicked the side of Lyn’s head. “Because your head’s always in the clouds. Why do you think I’m so protective?” She suddenly reached out and tugged Lyn into an embrace. “You’d fall apart if I wasn’t there to keep their words away.”

“But what does it mean? Whore… dyke… I don’t get it.” Lyn leaned against her friend, grateful for the closeness. She felt overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of information, first from her Dad and now from her best friend.

“See? Innocent to the core.” Mary kissed the top of Lyn’s head. “A whore is a derogatory term for a girl who sleeps around.” Mary paused and sighed at Lyn’s blank look. “As in have sex.”

“Oh. But you don’t do that.” Lyn frowned and glanced up at Mary’s face.

Mary nodded. “It’s just an insult. You know, to try to make me feel like crap. Anyway, a dyke is a female who likes girls… and well, dresses and acts boyish? Something like that.”

Lyn wrinkled her nose. “So… how is that bad?”

Mary shrugged and didn’t answer, instead she held Lyn tighter and buried her face in Lyn’s hair.

“Mary…” Lyn felt confused and frightened by her friend’s sudden silence. “It… it really hurts you, doesn’t it?”

“Sometimes,” her friend whispered.

“But why?” Lyn curled her arms through Mary’s and grasped her hands.

“Some people think liking girls is freakish. Wrong.”

Lyn shifted in Mary’s arms, so that she could see her friend’s face. “I don’t get it. It feels perfectly natural. Like…” She stumbled for a comparison that made sense, but Mary’s closeness was clouding her thoughts again. “Like… like being a dog or cat person. Em.” She frowned at her pathetic comparison. “Em, you know.”

Mary laughed and gave Lyn a quick kiss on the lips. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” She sighed and trailed her fingers along Lyn’s cheeks. “But some people don’t get it. They think everyone has to be exactly like them, and they get angry and afraid when people aren’t. It’s why my parents got concerned when they heard the rumors. So I told them that I love you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Dad just laughed and told me that’s what friends do. Love each other. But Mom didn’t say anything. Just looked at me with a frown. That’s when they handed me the pamphlets.”

“Really?”

“Yes, silly.” Mary laughed, but there were tears in her eyes again. “It’s just a little hard sometimes. I’m not even sure myself what all this means, and well, you’re so dense and innocent. But I just can’t stop myself tonight. I just want to be close to you right now.”

“Okay.” Lyn smiled and tucked her head into Mary’s shoulder. Once again, silence descended, but it was peaceful, relaxed. She could feel the warmth of not only Mary’s love, but Christ’s as well. Like He was letting her know that this was alright. They were safe. “He’s here too, you know,” Lyn murmured, her eyes still closed.

“Christ?”

“Yeah. His love blankets us. Binds us together. This is all apart of His master plan.” Lyn spoke quietly but conviction underlined her words.

“Hmm.” Mary’s hand brushed Lyn’s cheek again, and startled, she opened her eyes. Tears shone on Mary’s cheeks. “How do you do that?” she murmured. “Always saying just what I need to hear?”

“Because I love you too?” Lyn felt embarrassed. She didn’t really know why she said those words. They just felt true.

“Works for me.” Mary suddenly giggled and wiped away her tears with a sweep of her hand. “Okay, enough of this serious stuff. How about we play some cards? I learned a new game from my Dad last night.”

“Oh?” Lyn smiled. “I bet my beginner’s luck will strike again.”

Mary wrinkled her nose. “We’ll see about that.”

Lyn dropped her pencil. The words had just flowed from her hand, and she had only glanced a few times at the December 6th journal entry. The memory had been so vivid, so clear. She groaned and put her head on the desk. Rumi meowed at the sound, and kneaded her leg again. She laid a hand against his soft fur coat, but her fingers trembled as she stroked his fur. Mary and her hadn't been just friends. Her journal entries, her memories, they only made it more and more clear how Mary had been her first real girlfriend. Not a friend. Not like some of her buddies from school, who never touched her like Mary had. And she had never wanted to touch them like that.

"I loved her, Rumi," she breathed the words and tears stung her eyes. "And... and she loved me back." It was a revelation that hit her hard. So hard that she began to cry. Her tears startled Rumi, and he suddenly jumped out of her lap. His warmth suddenly gone, she felt a sudden ache in her heart.

"Lyn?"

Startled, she looked up to see Shari sitting up in bed with Rumi at her side. "Shari," she whispered.

Shari reached down, grabbed one of her crutches, and limped to her side. "What is it, girl?" Her hand gently touched Lyn's back, rubbing it.

"I.. I wanted to remember." She bit back a sob and turned away, embarrased at her tears. "Here." She picked up her writings and thrust them at Shari. "It's there. Wrote it out. How it all began. I didn't write how Dad discovered Mary and I though." Lyn spoke hesitantly. "I.. had to stop. It... it was getting too hard."

"That's okay." Shari took the papers and set them in her lap. "Do you want me to read?"

Lyn nodded, and sat in a tense silence as Shari worked her way through the three pages. When she finished, she handed the papers back to Lyn. "You really loved her, didn't you?"

A shiver passed through Lyn and she dropped the writings onto her desk as if scalded. "I shouldn't have," she whispered. "But I was. And... and you think, Mary felt the same?"

"I don't know." Shari's hand dropped away from Lyn. "She might have, from what you wrote it seemed like it."

Lyn shivered again. "Why didn't I realize?" She stared at her window, but she didn't see the tree or the curtains. Only the words on those papers. Only the memory of Mary. "We had other friends. But Mary was different. Always better. I'm an idiot."

"No, no, you're not an idiot." Shari spoke carefully. "Hindsight's always clearer than in the moment."

Something in Shari's voice disturbed Lyn, and she turned to Shari. "Shari..." She reached toward her, but then stopped. "I... you... what is it?"

"What's what?"

"You're..." Lyn stopped unable to explain. "Different?"

"Me?" Shari shook her head. "I'm just being careful." She smiled wanly. "You were talking easier. More calmly. I didn't want to break that."

"Break it?" Lyn looked down at her desk, at the writings. She realized Shari was right. It wasn't that hard to talk now. It was as if writing about what happened had loosened her barriers. Had broken down a bit of the wall that she held so tightly around herself. The silence she had lived in for five years. "Shari..." Lyn turned to her again, reached out, and grasped her hands. "Shari... I trust you."

"I know." Shari smiled, more gently this time.

"Help me." Lyn's voice began to shake again. "I need to remember. But... but it's hard. I'm scared. Please, help me?"

"How?" Shari held her hands tightly. "I can try, but how do I help?"

"Get me to talk. Write." Lyn clung to Shari's hands as her vision blurred and salt from her tears stung the edges of her eyes. "I need to remember. Remember Dad, Mom, Mary. Remember what happened."

"Lyn... I can't help you with that. I can support you. Cheer you on, but only you can remember what happened..."

"Oh Shari." Lyn doubled over, her forehead pressed against Shari's hands. "You... you're right. Just, when... when I cry, can you hold me?"

"Yeah. I can." Shari's hand gently stroked her hair. "Just let me know."

Lyn sat up, trembling. Her tears felt hot against her cheeks, salty against her lips. She hadn't even realized she had started crying again.  "Okay," she whispered, but the word caught in her throat.  The tears wouldn't stop.

Shari gently leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Lyn. She pressed her face into Shari's shoulder, breathed in her sweet smell, and choked back sob. "Shari, Shari..." she whispered. "I'm so glad you're here. So glad."

Shari held her tightly, and tenderly kissed the top of her head. "So am I."