Only two days have passed since the incident at Proto Merkabah. Two days and I still feel it as if it happened merely an hour ago. It still feels so real, the despair, the worry, the relief, the joy of seeing her at last, only to lose her for another time minutes later and go through the same all over again.
The words “Do not worry” still resound in my mind over and over, spoken in this unique, monotone voice of hers. Although I like to believe that sometimes, her voice shows emotions, if only barely so. Do not worry.
I really shouldn’t. KOS-MOS always knows what she is doing, she can calculate and analyze every situation and knows so much better what to do than I or anyone else. I shouldn’t worry all the time. But I do, and it’s driving me mad. I tell myself it is a part of my personality, but only now do I realize just how much of a burden this can become.
“Shion, dinner’s ready.”, chaos interrupts my thoughts and I look to the door to face the boy. As always, he has a gentle smile on his lips. He has a smile for everyone, and that makes him special. He’s really an angel.
“Really? Who made it today?”, I ask as I stand up from where I have been lying on my bed.
“MOMO did.”, chaos replies and looks almost apologetically. “Though Jr. helped her.”
MOMO has recently started cooking for the whole crew of the Elsa, and even though the results are highly varying with each time, she doesn’t give up. Which is mostly Jr.’s doing, for he always cheers her up and supports her in everything she does. She has really deserved someone as kind as him.
“Well, we’ll see just how much help that was.”, I say and manage a small smile. I don’t feel like smiling recently, there are just so many things on my mind. But I don’t want the others to worry and trying to be a little happy for their sake is the least I can do. “Just go ahead, I’ll follow in a minute.”
Chaos nods and leaves the room without another word. I sigh as I hear the door behind him close. He is such a nice boy, but for once, he can’t help me. Not with this.
“What are you doing to me, KOS-MOS?”, I whisper as I look at the bed I have just been lying on. How I long to just lie down again, being left alone and shut off from the rest of the world for just a little pleasant while longer. I don’t feel like seeing her.
It’s not possible to hide from them any longer however, so I reluctantly avert my eyes from my bed and walk out of the door, heading for the diner. The others must be waiting.
While walking towards my destination, memories flood into my mind unwillingly. Memories I always try not to ponder too deeply on, for they always make me yearn for something I can’t reach, and let me feel the pain of not being able to.
I still remember the day when KOS-MOS had activated all on her own, so clearly. It wasn’t such a long time ago, but so many things have happened since then, things that just don’t let me go.
Back then, I dreaded the moment I would see her. All my thoughts about simply greeting her with “good morning” vanished, leaving only my fear of what it would be like, hearing her speak to me. Hearing her speak my name.
I still feel silly for having thought like this. KOS-MOS has been a part of my life for more than two years, I am the one who took part in creating her. And yet, we had never really met until then and it felt so odd to face her, especially under such circumstances.
However, my fears have quickly been diminished as she protected me from the Gnosis ever so easily. Of course, the protection of all Vector employees is part of her programming, but sometimes, I like to think that she did it because she wanted to. But even though people consider me to be the creator of KOS-MOS, I can’t tell if she is really capable of such feelings. I never cease to hope, for she has improved so much already. She has sympathized with MOMO not too long ago, and she doesn’t seem as rude and off-putting anymore. It makes me glad to see her change bit by bit.
Before I met her real self, I have always wanted to be able to talk to her normally. To be able to talk to her, and say all those things I feel when I look at the blue-haired girl. But I found that talking to her in the real world wasn’t as different from talking to her in the simulator as I have hoped it to be.
Her voice outside the simulator is just the same, the things she says are the same. And it makes it all the more difficult for me to love her. I want to, I know that this KOS-MOS is different from the archetype, know that this KOS-MOS will never hurt me. But it is so hard to say what I feel when she always sounds so indifferent and uncaring. How I wish that I could be stronger, and tell her all that I feel needs to be told. But I don’t have this strength, and I can hardly ask her anything personal without backing out of it in the last second. Maybe she is not the only one that needs to change. I do too.
Though the fact that my entire life has already changed so much ever since she has awakened hasn’t passed by me. I am aware of the changes inside me, frightening as they may be. But these feelings that well up inside me whenever I lay my eyes on her are also so new and unexpected, and before I knew it, they healed the old wounds of my heart, they stopped the bleeding that I have never thought possible to be stopped. I have never expected that she of all people would make the pain of having lost Kevin go away so effortlessly. Without even trying. Somehow she did it without me noticing. I sometimes wonder just what it is about her that attracts me so much to her.
She isn’t just a replacement, for Kevin or anyone. She is her own self, and so much more than a simple doll or a weapon, even though many see her as such. Of course, I am aware that I designed her to battle the Gnosis, and I regret it more often than not, for she herself is still unable to see her own being as something else than a weapon. It’s pure agony for me to see her like that.
Because I tell myself ever so often how much I love her, for whatever reasons, when she is still unable to love even herself. I want to help her with this, want to be a support to her, but it all but seems that she doesn’t need me, doesn’t need to rely on me as much as I find myself relying on her.
I don’t know how she has sneaked into my heart like that, and warmed it from the inside, but I cherish it more than I would want to admit. But it’s so hard, never knowing what she thinks of me. She doesn’t seem to know what love is.
She is such a mystery to me, and as long as I don’t know that she cares for me, I can’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. It’s too hard to say, when I may just be a part of her programming to her. I just don’t know. Still, I feel lucky to have her.
Every time I look at her, she seems less and less like the KOS-MOS I once knew. Less and less like the one who hurt me two years ago. I have always wanted to know why she did it. If it was a fatal mistake in the programming, or if she really had a reason to do it. But it is too late to ask her that, her memory banks have been deleted, the biggest part of her head remodelled. She can’t possibly know what she has done. But sometimes I wonder what she would do if she knew. Would she be sad? Or would she be perfectly calm and not regret it at all, just like after killing Lieutenant Virgil?
The chance to ask her has gone, and I think it is for the better. It would be cruel to have her remember, even though I hope that she would be sorry. I will never forget what she has done to me, but I will always continue to tell myself that she isn’t who she used to be.
I don’t know what she thinks of me, and I don’t know what I should think of her, but for now, I will watch her, and be glad for every change that makes her more human. I will try to smile when she disobeys my orders again, telling myself that stubbornness is her strongest personality trait. And someday, I will catch her smiling behind my back, amused at my rants, amused at how easy it is for her to make me angry, and yet knowing how easy it is for her to make me happy.
I hear voices that shake me out of my thoughts, indistinctly chatting with each other, and lift my eyes from where I had stared at the ground, seeing the door to the diner slide open. It is her, and though I might be imagining it, I see a flicker of relief in her eyes.
“Where are you going, KOS-MOS?”, I ask, coming to a halt in front of her.
“There was a 15.9987% probability that you stumbled on the way and hurt yourself. I came looking for you, Shion.”, comes the immediate answer and I look at her incredulously before I start to laugh softly.
“And I had hoped you would say that you missed me.”, I find myself saying, more to myself than to her.
“Your absence was not long enough for me to miss you.”, KOS-MOS simply replies.
“That’s a terribly harsh thing of you to say.”, I say to her, feigning annoyance. Really, she can be so rude sometimes. She has still so much to learn about other people’s emotions. “Just how long should I have been away for you to miss me, then?”
KOS-MOS looks at me as if she has to think of an answer, but then her voice comes out as monotone as ever. “Approximately three days and 5 hours. I would need your assistance for maintenance.”
A smile spreads across my lips and I shake my head. “You’re impossible, do you know that?”
“I do not understand, Shion.”, her eyes flicker for a moment and I wonder what she is thinking.
“You will, soon.”, I simply say and walk closer to her, embracing her. She doesn’t resist, and I’m glad.
She will understand, someday. People will come to take her away from me, but I won’t let them. They may be after the ultra-wide range Hilbert effect, but I am after her heart. And I will find it, soon enough.
Until then, I will always be wondering about her, will always ask myself what she might be thinking of me. But I will always look forward to the day when she finally says that she loves me.
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