When the morning came, I was glad for it - it somehow managed to bring new hope and new events to the day. You know, that whole 'another day, another beginning' thing.
I got dressed and decided today would be different; it was Saturday so I could get my mind off anything related to college. Instead I would do a bit of shopping, drive around and see what, if anything was good about this town.
I got up from my bed and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, all in what seemed like the span of a couple of movements. Returning back to my room I scanned my cupboard for something comfortable to wear. I picked out a pear of my hipster jeans and my red jersey top. I looked at myself in the mirror to quickly review my look. I looked really pale, which was a new thing to me since having Spanish/French parents always gave me a light permanent tan. My jeans were looser than usual, I always kept down to a usual small size but recently I'd been losing too much weight. I think it might've been the stress of leaving everything and everyone behind - I continued to stare at myself in the mirror, I could almost see some of my ribs and it looked disgusting.
It wasn't that I was anorexic or anything, I didn't look it - but recently I might look a little less… how do I put it... 'Underdeveloped?' I enjoy eating and exercising (well riding my bike or jogging every now and then is what I define exercising) but my depression lately has just caused me to forget about everything, everything but my sleep.
I usually go out, hang out and do whatever, then I come home and watch TV and do whatever and then I sleep. I either forget about eating, or my mind just doesn't really care about it enough to bother. At first I use to feel the hungry and I might eat something or other, but when I get depressed (not about myself or my weight or anything, just about things in my life) I get distracted and I do something else - which most of the times is sleeping.
Keys in, ignition started and the car was off. I was finding lots of reasons to hate my family recently – but this car, this wonderful jeep definitely wasn’t one of them. I’ve never hated my family, but sometimes they would just do things that would really piss me off. First they moved town without even considering the whole family’s needs. Then we had this big family problem, which everyone kept avoiding. No one noticed the big elephant in the room when everyone was home, but every time it would be me who got into an argument with my parents about it.
I just don’t understand it, it was stupid and hurtful and they acted like it was nothing. The only person I could really go to when things were rough at home, was grandma, but being that she was the reason of the current problem I couldn’t even go see her.
I drove blindly down the roads, thinking of anything beyond the steering wheel. My phone rang, quickly snapping me back to reality and the cars in front which I had just managed to swerve. I stared at the phone, groaned and ignored it, knowing full well that Jay would want to spend the day with me and that just wasn’t what I wanted to do today. So I kept on driving as the phone kept ringing; but the ring became like this pulsating vibration in my head and I finally gave up and reached for the phone.
“Hey Jay.”
“Hey darling, where are you?
The car behind me kept beeping like a crazy drummer on a high, so I decided to use that as an excuse.
“Hey sorry hun I’m driving right now, I’ll call you later.” With that said I quickly hung up the phone and turned to the next exit towards the town’s biggest shopping centre, ‘Pavilion’.
My phone started ringing again, and I swear I could have kicked myself for giving my new number to Jay.
‘God damn it’. As I reached for her phone, I noticed this time the number was unrecognisable.
“Hello?” I whispered just enough so the person on the other end could hear.
“Umm… hi… Are you related to.. umm.. Mrs Sanderson?” The question threw me off.
Panic, worry and anxiety struck me all at once.
“YES! She’s my grandmother. Why? What happened, tell me please?”
“Oh no nothing don’t worry… I’m sorry to call out of the blue. It’s just… I’m a nurse here at St. Mathews Hospital … well a voluntary nurse…and Mrs … your grandmother she’s such a nice person, and very sick you know. She’s so lonely… and … I don’t mean to pry but she talks about you all the time. You’re the ‘granddaughter of candy’ as we like to call you. I was just wondering… I mean hoping, if you could come by sometime…”
I couldn’t believe what was happening.
“Who the hell are you? What right do you have to meddle in my business?” I spat back.
The voice on the other line paused then replied.
“I don’t have any right I know, but I know Mrs Sanderson and she needs all her family right now.”
I replied again without thinking.
“You don’t know me, you don’t know my grandmother … you’re just someone who works in a hospital who thinks they can just judge the patients that come and go…” I was shouting and only now aware of the tears streaming down my face.
“I’m sorry… look I don’t mean to judge or anything… but…” the voice quietened down.
I quickly wiped the tears off my face and turned the ignition off in the car.
“Judge? FUCK you ok! When your fucking grandmother decides its ok to give up and just die and no one cares enough to make a difference… not one single fucking person who can make a difference… then you can pretend to know what I’m going through. So leave me the hell alone.”
The voice on the other end grew louder this time and yelled back.
“You know what? Fine, that’s a decision she made. But instead of being stupid and determined in your own little ideas – maybe you should realise she doesn’t have much time left. And instead of wasting that time you could be using it to see her before its too late!” With that said, she hung up the phone.
I sat there, frozen in silence. I was pissed off that some random person had called me out of nowhere to give me a lecture, but I was even more pissed that it took me this long to realise what I was doing was wrong, and it took the words of a random stranger to show me that.
**************************
To be continued.....
**************************
Email me at ireallyloveanime@gmail.com for any thoughts, comments etc..