The Test
"Syaoran kissed me last night." There. I had finally managed to say it. When I glanced at Tomoyo to see her reaction she had a big smile.
"How wonderful! Sakura's first kiss! I wish I could have been there to record it with my camera." I rolled my eyes and sighed. She would think of that. "So, was it exciting?", she asked.
I took a deep breath and looked at the ground before answering. "No. It was like... like nothing. Like kissing my own arm... I waited a bit for her reaction but she was quiet, so I looked at her. She had lost her smile and her eyes were kind of big. I waited for her to say something. In a couple of seconds her little smile came back and she spoke.
"I suppose he didn't really know what he was doing. If you give him another chance, I'm sure he will do better." She sounded strange. I expected she was disappointed. Like I had been.
*Now comes the really hard part.*, I thought to myself. *Remember, this is Tomoyo, my very best friend, who loves me no matter what.* At least I hoped so. I was scared. If it was true; what would people would think of me? But most of all... I was afraid of what Tomoyo would think of me. But I really wanted to know for sure. Syaoran kissing me was a start. But now I had to do the other half of 'the test'. And I really hoped that Tomoyo wouldn't think it was a terrible thing that I was asking for. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to start. But I was still looking at her beautiful face with her usual little smile and I couldn't say a word. So I looked at the ground and started.
"Last night after my date, I talked to Kero and my Cards. About not feeling anything from Syaoran's kiss... and some other things I've been noticing. Anyway the only ones who were any help at all were Light and Dark. They explained to me that not all girls like guys. Some like other girls. Like my brother likes Yukito instead of a girl. It could be that I was like that. And perhaps I could find out for sure... if I kissed a girl. Particularly one I felt attracted to. And there is only one girl that could be." At this point I looked up at her. "You." There I said it. Now Tomoyo's eyes were really big. And it looked like she was shaking. When she didn't say anything for a moment, I got a feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach.
"You... You want to kiss me?" Her words ended in a kind of a squeak. *Oh no! She's shocked and disgusted!* I thought to myself. I felt horrible inside.
"Never mind! It was a stupid idea. Please forget I said anything." My eyes were full of tears and I was just about to get out of my swing and run when I saw her feet move to in front of me. When she put her hands on my shoulders, I froze, still looking at the ground.
"Sakura. Please! I'm not upset. Not at all. I just... I can't think straight. What you said... Or what I thought you said... That you were attracted to me and that you wanted to try kissing me? I just need to be sure that I'm not imagining things. And... Is that what you said?" She almost seemed to be pleading with me. It was confusing. But I nodded. And got some words out.
"Yeah. I just wanted to see... I didn't mean to upset you."
"I'm not. I'm just surprised... And... Thrilled. More than you can imagine."
"Thrilled?" I wondered...
"Never mind. Just stand up." I did as she asked, but I still wasn't sure I hadn't really messed up by asking her. She looked around the park, then put her arms around me and looked up into my face. And suddenly I forgot all my fears. She looked so different. I could hardly recognize her. It was her eyes. For as long as I can remember, no matter how big her smile, her eyes always looked kind of sad. That was the Tomoyo I knew. But now it was like her eyes were shining with a happiness too great for one person to hold.
Then her face was coming closer and those shining eyes were closing. She was going to kiss me. My mind flashed back to last night when Syaoran was starting to kiss me. I had just waited then to see what would happen. Now with Tomoyo, I couldn't wait. My eyes closed and I met her half way. I could feel my heart racing. Her lips were incredibly soft and warm and... and thrilling. I felt the shock go through me all the way to my toes. The feel of her soft lips and her soft body against me was so wonderful! It was like nothing I had ever felt before.
I have no idea how long the kiss lasted. And I don't know who started to pull back first. It just seemed like it was time for other things. A warm joyful feeing had filled my insides and the whole world looked strange and new when I opened my eyes and looked around. When I looked back down at Tomoyo her eyes were still shining. *She looks even more beautiful this way,* I thought. I kept my arms tightly around her. I wasn't ready to let her go just yet. She just laid her head on my shoulder and gently snuggled against my neck. I closed my eyes again and just enjoyed the feel of her, the smell of her, the taste of her on my lips.
After a while I remembered something. This was suppose to be just a test. To see if I liked girls more than boys. Which I obviously do. But what's with Tomoyo? She hasn't made any attempt to pull away at all. She's still clinging to me. And she seemed REALLY happy to kiss me. Happier than I ever remember seeing her. Which means... It was obvious, even to me. She wanted my kiss. She is attracted to me just like I am attracted to her. Or considering the way she she has acted around me since we were in fourth grade; maybe she has liked me as more than a friend for a long time. It made a lot of sense. And it would explain why she always acts so strange. She loves me. And not just as a friend. And how do I feel about her? I want to kiss her. And I don't want to kiss any of my other friends. Just her. So what do I say? I don't know how to talk to her now. Everything is different. But I really had to say something! Then her name just came out of my mouth. "Tomoyo?"
After a few seconds she pulled her head back and looked at me. She wasn't smiling and shining like she was a moment ago. She didn't seem to have any expression at all. I opened my mouth a couple of times but no words came out. I couldn't think straight while looking at her beautiful face. I just wanted to kiss her. So I did. I moved in and she met me half way. And we kissed for a while again. And while we were kissing, I thought of what to say. What I was feeling. When we parted this time the words came out with no effort. "I love you, Tomoyo. And not just as a friend either." As I finished she hugged me so tightly for a moment it hurt. Then she laid her head on my shoulder again as she softly spoke.
"I've loved you for so long. And wanted you so much. That's why I videotaped you all the time. I was trying to capture you the only way I could. Then every night before I would go to sleep, I would fantasize about... well, about what just happened. And then, when I would remind myself that it couldn't really happen, I would cry for a while... But now my impossible dream has actually happened. And I don't have to cry anymore..."
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