Disclaimer:I don’t own sailor moon. And everything else I have to put here.
AN: Ignorethe title; I’m not good in inventing titles. Please read & review
Title:
The sameagain
Days likethese are familiar to me. We’ve already shared so many of them. She knows shecan always come to me, turn to me to for comfort or advice, sure that I’ll helpher.
She’s mybest friend. I’ll always be there if she needs me.
We’ve spentcountless afternoons together in her apartment, me helping her studyingwhenever she had messed up her grades. I’ve accompanied her to go shopping whenshe needed to find new clothes for a date with her latest crush. And I’vesoothed her during all the nights she came to me crying, because the chosen guyonce again had turned out to be nothing but a stupid jerk.
Just likethis very evening. I’ve been reading one of my mother’s medical journals whenthe ringing of the doorbell stirred me up. Wondering who it could be to ring atmy door on a Friday evening at half past eleven I hurried to open the door.
Outside youstood, tightly wrapped in your drenched coat, your soaked brown hair clingingto your neck.
“Hi Ames” you said with a weary smile.
For a briefmoment I must have looked shocked at your appearance. Then noticing that you shiveredlightly I gestured you in. An instant we stood in the hallway in silence beforeyou started to talk. “I’m sorry for bothering you so late, but…” you didn’tmeet my eyes, awkward. I just took your wet coat from your shoulders. “You knowyou’re always welcome. Now hand me your clothes and take a hot shower. I don’twant you to get sick.” I firmly told you. You opened your mouth again to saysomething but I cut you off before you could voice anything. “Mako-chan, youcan tell me everything later. Just take a shower now, you’re already shivering!I make some tea for us meanwhile.” The last part I added with a comfortingsmile. This time you obeyed and set off for the bathroom. The fact that youcame here in the middle of the night, especially in such a horrible weather,meant nothing good. It worried me more than I was willing to show, yet the mostimportant thing right now was to warm you up. Always one byone. I could get the details why you were here later. You wouldn’t havecome here in the middle of the night if you hadn’t needed someone to talk to.
I’ve put yourstuff in the dryer, laid a shirt and a pair of my mother’s pants in front ofthe bathroom door, then I went to the kitchen.
That’swhere I am now, in front of the stove, waiting for the water to boil, while mymind comes up with what could have possibly ruined your date so badly.
You’d beenout with him three or four times, I think and once, when we all met in theCrown, you introduced me to him. A tall, black haired guy named Jun. And thoughI always dislike the guys one whom you crush, I had to admit he was veryhandsome. Plus he seemed really nice and fairly intelligent as well.
So what thehell had happened? I wish I knew. What has that stupid idiot done to my angel,that you shows up here all soaked and drained. It hurts me to see you like that.It hurts even more not knowing why you’re all upset, not knowing what to doabout it.
By the timeI’ve placed the mugs additional to some crackers on the table, you return fromthe bathroom. Your chestnut locks are still wet and tossled, but besides you seemin a slightly better condition now. Motioning for you to sit down I hand youthe mug, settling myself down next to you on the couch.
“That’llwarm you up from the inside.” I say attempting to hide the concern in my voice.
In return Iget another weary smile, along with a murmured “Thank you”
We drinkour tea in silence. I don’t want to push, you’ve always told me what wasbugging you when you were ready. This time it’ll be the same, I know.
After whatfeels like an eternity of silence, you finally look up, meeting my questioninggaze.
“I’m sorryfor bulging in at this time of the night.” You say again.
“I’vealready told you I don’t mind. I was still up anyway.”
You stillseem to feel slightly uncomfortable, so I add quietly with a sincere look. “Youknow my mom’s out working this night. I’m happy to have company, especiallyyou.” And I mean it. I hope you can see that in my eyes.
You grantme a smile, a little one only, but truly happy at my words.
“Ames, I always come to you with my loadof problems. You never complain about me, though you’d have it lot easier onlysorting out your own stuff. And after all you’ve done so far I only reward youby doing the same mistakes over and over again. Don’t you feel tired off allthis?” You’ve turned you face away before you started, but the bitterness inyour voice shocks me. Though I can’t see your eyes they must look empty now,empty and bitter, just like your voice.
Honestly, Idon’t know an answer to your question, Makoto.
Sure, I’vebeen to hell and back every time you told me about your latest crush, perfectlyaware that I won’t ever achieve that loving gaze through your clouded emeraldorbs.
The firsttime when you told me, you were in love, I couldn’t place that stinging pain inmy stomach. Yet through the years I’ve learnt to recognize it. All too well, itseems to me.
You tell meyou’ve fallen for guy and the pain in my stomach occurs again.
You tell mehow great your first date went and I feel like crying.
You tell mewhat a good kisser he is and my heart is being ripped out of its place again.
But I nevershow it to you. I smile at you, telling you how wonderful it is for you to bein love. The tears are forced back, they’re only shedat night, in the concealing darkness of mybedroom, where no one, especially not you, can see them.
`Yes, I am tired of this, tired of the pain ofunrequited love, tired of crying out my eyes over you all night, tired ofpretending not to feel more than a friend. And most of all I am fed up ofacting as if I would like your boyfriends.` The impulsive, angry and hurt side of me istempted to say that, shout it at you so you finally realize it.
But I won’tdo that. I’ll keep those emotions in check.
I’ll simplyact as I always do. Silence my mind and seal the pain away, just as usual.
I only getup and fetch a brush. Settling down behind you I begin to comb your hair.
I will neverbe your lover, but I’ll always be your best friend. Therefore I have to act asyour best friend, not as a lover.
While Igently brush your silky hair, I know your still waiting for an answer.
“Makoto,what are we best friends for, if you don’t want to tell me your problems?” Aquestion in return is not the best answer, your eyeslocked to the wall stoic tell me so.
I sigh.“Mako-chan, friendship is nothing to be rewarded for. You are always there forme, whenever I need someone. I’m just the same for you and I wouldn’t have itany other way.”
I feel yourmuscles relax, you seem a little more at ease with thesituation after my answer, though you remain silent. I’m slowly running out ofpatience, it’s time to make you tell, so raise my voice again.
“We can’thelp who we fall in love with, It just happens.”
´How true this is` Luckily you can’t see my ironic grin.
“If wewould know from the beginning who we are meant to bewith, we wouldn’t ever be deceived, disappointed, or sad.”
Damn right!`
“But wealso won’t cherish the love we have, because only the pain we’ve suffered canshow us the sweetness of what we have.”
Finallyspeak again. “That’s really wise, Ames, but every time I fall in love Ithink this is finally something to last, just to be the fool again after twoweeks. My heart has been broken so many times now, I don’t know if it will everreally heal.”
´I know Mako, I know. I wonder the same, sincemy heart broke too, every time you had someone new.`
“One day itwill. To someone out there you mean the world.” I softly tell you. ´You just have to open your eyes to see me,waiting for you.`
“Now tellme what went wrong with Jun and draw a line. You’re worth far more than to cryover that guy.”
“HaiAmi-chan.”
I’mfinished with combing your hair and you suddenly lean back in my arms. I pullyou close, resting my head atop of yours. Then you start.
“I’ve toldyou we would go to cinema this evening, right?” I nod, brushing my cheekagainst your hair.
“Well, wehave been there and at the beginning it was really nice, we ate popcorn, hemade some jokes about the film and after a while we uhm, well we startedkissing.”
At thispoint you take a deep breath, and I once again feel stabbed. I hate the images yourwords conjure in my mind. Gritting my teeth a little I wait for you to go on.
“But hewanted more, soon he slipped his hands under my shirt.When he started to touch my breasts, I pushed him away. I told him I don’t wantto take things so fast, but instead off stopping he forced me into another kissand made a way under my skirt this time. I:.. I”
You breakoff, trying to suppress your sobbing, it has affectedyou more than you want to admit. I’m shocked, shocked and furious, I swear, ifI ever get him, that Jun will pay for what he did to you!
“I thoughthe was better than other guys, he he seemed so gentle and caring at first” you choke out “butin the end he was just the same….”
“Shh Mako, it’s alright now.” I whisper in your ear, rockingyou tenderly. For a span of time there is silence, except your small sobs. Whenyou’ve calmed down again you continue, this time a small wicked grin playingaround your lips. “That was enough. I ripped myself loose and sent him straightto the ground with such a blast that he passed out.”
I can’thelp but chuckle, that’s truly my Mako-chan.
“Whathappened then?” I ask now curious.
“Dunno, Istormed out after that and to you right away.”
“Poor Jun,I almost pity him. Do you think he’s in hospital now?” I hope my voice is notdripping with satisfaction. For the first time this evening I get a real smilefrom you. That gleam in your emerald orbs has returned.
“Nah,probably not, but I’m sure he learnt his lesson.”
Later, whenwe both lie in my bed, I watch you. Propped up on one elbow, so I can betteradmire your beautiful face. A streetlamp throws in a pale light through thecurtains of rain. In your slumber you look peaceful and fragile. Though youcover it up at daytime, in your unguarded sleep your fragile heart is obvious.Earlier you’ve asked me I’ve I weren’t tired of all this and I was tempted tosay yes. It’s so hard to act as if I don’t suffer pain every time you go outwith a boy. Really, I want you to be happy. Therefore I try my best to be happyas well when you’ve found someone new, but it’s often so difficult to keep the facadeup. There’s just no denying that I wish you could be happy with me, share yourlove with me instead of them.
Lookingdown at my right hand that is resting between us, just as yours, I smile.You’ve grabbed it and entwined our fingers before you fell asleep.
Now I knowan answer why I’m still not fed up. It’s because of moments like this.
It’s me youcome running to when you’re all troubled, in me you confide your sorrows.
Not thoseguys but me you tell all your secrets and in my arms you feel save.
Thesemoments when I have you for my own, they keep me going on.
Again I letmy gaze linger on your angelic features. Maybe it’s selfish to wish you wouldfall for me, as I can never give you all the things a man could, yet Icertainly wouldn’t ever make you cry. Never.
Maybe beingyour best friend is all I can achieve, but I won’t ever stop loving you, evenif you’ll never know. Perhaps someday you’ll realize. I shall wait until then. Right by your side, as always.
I lean downand place a soft kiss on your lips. You don’t stir. I’ll content myself withwhat I get. My love will still be there, when all those guys have left you. Mylove will last forever.
“Goodnight, my angel.” I whisper before I close my eyes.