It was Dawn’s sixteenth birthday next weekend, and true to B’s style the party was planned with military precision. Dawnie had already invited me before Buffy could get a word in; seriously anyone would think that this kid idolises me.
Still bed ridden I tried to push all my thoughts away and concentrate on a rather obscure stuffed animal. Dawn had brought me breakfast,
“Faith, you’re a slayer right,” She had a look of deep thought across her young face,
“What are you getting at Dawnie?” Between mouthfuls of food.
“Well with ‘slayer powers’ doesn’t slayer healing fall into that category?” This kid was smart, just like her older sis; that’s what I liked about her she didn’t give up even if she didn’t understand.
“Umph, it wash someffng, umph, your mom said I think.” Eating with a full mouth never fazed me.
Realization hit her face just like B the night before, “Ok your sis did that, care to tell me what that means??”
Dawn was doing some description of happy dance across the room, my sarcastic gaze followed her, “It’s mom!” her smile couldn’t be any bigger, “Do you remember years ago, you came here after slaying cut up real bad,”
“Dawn that happened to often to count,”
“Well do you remember what she said every time you said it was nothing?”
The realization hit my face; it couldn’t be surely it couldn’t. “She said that no one was allowed to leave the Summers house in any kind of pain. Nice one Joyce I owe you one!” looking up at the ceiling, then I heard a familiar voice not in the room, but in my head.
*It’s ok sweetie, you’re always welcome in this house.* I smiled to myself as Dawn ran downstairs to tell Buffy about her accomplishment.
Who would have thought that Joyce was keeping me here? So what’s next, what happens when I’m well enough to leave?
*You can’t leave Faith; do you see the look on my girl’s faces when you come over? Do you ever see their faces when you leave? They need you in their lives, and I know you want to stay.*
That was creepy; did she know how I felt about B?
*Of course I know Faith dear, anyone with eyes can tell.*
Joyce you’re scaring me now. If you know about it, do you know how I can fix it?
*You have to tell her sweetie, if she doesn’t know she’s just going to upset you without realising. I suggest something that reflects you; I’m not to sure about the rest. I have to go now dear, good luck.*
Cheers Joyce, nice to know your rooting for me, now where’s that phone?
***
Half hour later I’d made it to the kitchen when there was a knock on the door. Dawn raced off to get it; I think she’d had enough of B’s planning. She walked back in carrying 24 crimson roses. Everyone was stunned, so I played along to stay inconspicuous.
She handed them to Buffy after reading the card, pouting that they weren’t for her. The card was blank except for the letter ‘B’ and a small message,
“It’s not a sister thing.” The gang were really confused, “Does it say who it’s from?” Buffy had her concentrate face on as Dawn was dismissive placing them down.
“I have no idea who they’re from, but I wish they were for me. Seriously who would like you that much?” Dawn was shot a scowl from B, but as she turned away from Buffy she tried her best not to look at me.
I followed her out of the room; she could hear me as she kept trying to lose me in the cavernous Summer’s house. As she walked into her bedroom I couldn’t follow anymore; the first thing she ever said to me was to never go in there unless she let me in. It’s not like a vampire invite, I mean I could beat down the door if I wanted but I respected her too much for that.
Knocking on the door, “Dawnie, can I come in? I wanna talk to you,” my keen hearing picked out a sigh and a sniffle as she paced around her room. Shit, she was crying, or at least trying not to.
“Why? Why would anyone want to talk to me? I’m just Dawn, nothing special. No one special.” I could hear her sniffing and trying to stifle her sobs, she knew I could hear her.
“Dawn, come on let me in, I know you’re upset, but how can I make you feel better if you won’t let me in?”
“If you’re so bothered break the door down, I know you can.”
“Don’t make me do that Dawn, remember last time? Big, big invoice fell in my lap. And it’s such a nice door,” I heard a small giggle from the kid.
Slowly she opened up the door, wiping her eyes to hide the tears, “What would you know about nice doors?” An ever so slight smile graced her youthful features.
“Come here you,” I picked her up into my trademark slayer hug; no man alive can break the hold. Dawn squealed like a little child as her small smile quickly became a huge smile. Toppling onto her bed I sat still holding her on my lap.
“So, what’s the matter Dawnie?” I pouted my lip so much trying to make a stupid face to stop her crying again.
“It’s nothing really, damn your slayer strength! How do I get out of this?”
“Ha ha! You don’t! Keeping my grip I began to tickle her so she squealed some more. “You can only get out if you tell me what’s wrong!” I continued my onslaught as I carried her around her room.
“No, it’s stupid.” She squealed some more as I refused to let her go.
“Now you know the rules twinkie, tell ol’ Faithy what’s up otherwise I’m gonna tickle you into oblivion!!”
“Ok, ok, ok. I need to breath Faith stop it!!” My ‘attack’ ceased as I carefully sat both of us down. “It’s just, it would be nice for someone to care about me as much as some people care about Buffy that’s all. Those roses got to me, so close to my birthday and all; I’d been praying that someday someone would do that for me. I’d got my hopes up so much thinking they were mine and well, you know the rest.”
I pulled her closer to me in an attempt to comfort her, “Listen Dawn, there are lots of people who care about you as much as Buffy, I’m sure there are people who even care more. And I’m sure that the person who sent those roses didn’t want to upset you, who knows what you’re gonna get for your birthday. What do you want anyway?”
She had nestled her head against my shoulder gently breathing on my neck. “Well there’s a simple answer to that but the explanation is very difficult.”
Softly smiling at the small child, “Try me, I’m all about weird situations.”
“I’d rather not Faith, but thank you for at least cheering me up a little. If you don’t mind can I just have a little down time?”
I put her down carefully, “Sure sparky, but anymore tears and I will be up in here quicker that your sis having a spaz!”
A small smile played on her lips, she mouthed to me ‘promise?’ I nodded to her as I placed a caring kiss on her forehead, “Always” I whispered as I left her.
***
I made my way back into the kitchen to rejoin the gawping masses who were still trying to work out who had sent the roses.
Buffy met me in the doorway, “What’s up B?” she signalled for me to follow her into the living room.
She sighed heavily, “Faith, did you send me these roses?” she looked worried, crap how am I supposed to cover this up, I could hear Joyce telling me to tell her the truth and I could here the inner me shouting and swearing to get me to run clear outta there.
“Well you see, I sent them yeah,” B was about to say something and the look on her face wasn’t encouraging, “But, but they weren’t meant for you.” She was confused. I had to keep this up to stop her from seeing through my disguise.
“Then who were they meant for? There aren’t many people called ‘B’ or with that nickname Faith, and what about the message?”
“I know, I know the florist musta made a mistake you see, I wanted to send them to Dawn you know, ‘D’ and as for the message they gotta have misheard me, you know being in pain and all that. I wanted to say that it was a sister thing. You know taking me into your family so to speak, the little bit looks up to me and I just wanted to show her how much she means to me.” There, breath and with my own matter-of-fact face I had to wait to see if Buffy registered it all let alone believe it.
“So they were for Dawn?” Still with the stupid look I nodded. “Oh, I see, well that’s very nice of you Faith.” She walked back into the kitchen as I slumped against the door frame in relief. Walking into the living room that familiar voice filled my head.
*You know lying doesn’t become you Faith.* Oh now come on Mrs. S cut me a brake here! Surely I did a good thing, with Dawnie and all?
*You have to tell her Faith dear, nobody wants to see you upset, and as for Dawn, yes that was a nice thing for you to do. You know she looks up to you, maybe more she doesn’t tell me much these days…*
Ah, Mrs. S what does that mean? Joyce? You still there?
“You know Faith in some cultures talking to yourself maybe seen as a sign of insanity.”
I spun so quick I don’t think my body kept up with my spine, “Damn Red, why’d you sneak up on me like that? I nearly pounced on you!”
She walked over placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, “So what were you and Buffy’s mom talking about?”
Where the hell did that come from? How long had she been there? “You heard that then I guess, so you think I’m mad huh.”
Quickly taken aback Willow tried to rephrase, “Oh, no that’s not what I meant, I mean, I can feel her here too. So the whole talking to her doesn’t seem so stupid to me. I’m just curious to know what she said; she doesn’t talk to me so much anymore, maybe because I’m not here often enough I guess.” A rather dejected look consumed her face.
“Hey, it’s no big deal; it’s not your fault. I bet she misses you too.” Willow returned the small smile on my lips. “It’s nothing big she was just telling me to fix something that’s all.”
Red just smiled sweetly and nodded her head before she left the room. Damnnit Joyce I can’t lie to them all I have to tell someone, before I burst.
*Why couldn’t you tell Willow? She’s such a sweet girl, she would have understood.* Yes, but she would have told Buffy, see my problem here?
*You could always talk to Dawn I suppose, let me know how that goes,* No, no don’t do this again Mrs. S come back I need you, God we all need you.
I hung my head low and headed upstairs, Will had been stood in the doorway the whole time, could she hear what Joyce was saying? She was looking at me; I could feel tears in her eyes. I guess she could hear. Why do I fuck everything up with lies and cover ups? If I just told B the truth and got the roasting over it would all be over by now. I would be the one crying not Red and Dawn, and now Buffy feeling dejected about the roses. But if she knew? God if she knew I would never be welcome here again for damn sure.
***
“Hey sparky, open up its Faith.” Dawn opened the door and leapt at me, carrying her into the room a confused look was plastered upon my face.
“Buffy told me about the mix up!” She squeezed tighter around me, “You really do care!” This was gonna be a difficult one to get out of, especially as I was going to need oxygen some time soon!
“Yeah about that, I just wanted you to have something special you know. You’re only 16 once after all.” I was pacing again I didn’t want to lie, to Dawn especially.
“So what did you want to talk about Faith?” Dawn was rearranging her roses in the vase.
“You know I’m not to sure I should be talking to you about this, it’s kinda hard and really, really wrong on so many levels,” My arms gesticulated wildly as Dawn watched me with a sympathetic face.
She got up to try and calm me down, but I had to go, I hadn’t seen sunlight for days. “You know Dawnie, forget this, and forget I said anything. I just need to get out of here for a few hours.” I walked over to the window I could hear her whisper, ‘Oh’ out of the corner of my eye I saw her head hung low.
“Don’t worry twinkie, I’m coming back! How about you come with me, yeah grab your helmet and we can go for a ride how about that?” Dawn’s face lit up like it was Christmas; she looked the same when I first gave her that helmet. We had only ridden together twice but Dawn held on each time like it was going to be the last time she ever saw me.
“That would be like, SO cool Faith!” She ran over and hugged on to me once more,
“Yeah just think of it as an early present,” We walked out of her room my arm draped over her shoulders. “How about you go and tell big sis what we’re up to so she doesn’t go banzai when we get back! I’ll get the motor started.”
I headed towards the door still feeling somewhat stuck; damn I should have told her instead of wimping out. My hand rested on the door knob, that familiar sickening feeling swamped my body.
Don’t do this to me Mrs. S not now, *I’m sorry dear but I can’t have you leave without setting things right.*
The blackout hit me once more; I was getting really sick of this. I couldn’t see a thing but I could hear Dawn screaming, she must have seen me fall. I could feel my lifeless body being lifted into the living room. I could feel the heat from Buffy’s touch as she placed me down. Dawn’s presence was foremost in my unconscious state, I could feel her, she was gently stroking my forehead and I could hear her again, trying not to cry.
In some description of ‘limbo’ I sat with Mrs. S while we both watched the events unfold. “So is that what you meant. Dawn doesn’t just look up to me, God, I think she loves me. Shit.”
“Now Faith dear there is no need to swear; yes I’m sure it does complicate things a little.”
A little, no way this didn’t complicate, this threw a mutha of a spanner into the proverbial works.
“How do I tell her now, how can I tell her that. She would be so upset. Joyce I can’t do that to her. I can’t watch her cry over me; I can’t lead her on cos that will just hurt her more.” I held my head in my hands as she laid her hand on my shoulder.
“I’m not sure what you have to do Faith, but I know you, and I know you would never hurt my girls on purpose. So do what feels right to you. But you have to sort it out.”
I stood up pacing around, “Ok, so I fix it, I can do that I’m sure. But promise me one more thing Mrs. S, no more blackouts ok? I need some air here, to clear my head. I promise I won’t leave them ok?”
She nodded to me with her motherly smile as the vivid dream faded, slowly I regained consciousness. Dawn was sat next to me with a compress of some description; I could see the pain in her eyes, it made sense to me, what she had said. I can’t stand to see that in her, the pain that I have caused her. But how do I make it right?