"You're joking, right?" Shego asked.
Doctor Drakken looked at her. "No. Why would I be joking?"
"Uh, because you can't shoot straight?"
"Shego, why must you say hurtful things? And I am the one who signs your checks, you know."
"Actually, I use direct deposit."
"Look, Shego, I may not have passed my archery class in phys ed when I was in sixth grade, but I'm perfectly capable of firing - "
"Firing, yes. Hitting something other than the wall, no."
"They're heat-seeking, all right?!"
Shego grinned. "Oh. Well, then you should be able to avoid screwing THAT up. Unless you take out the boiler."
Drakken's head sank. "Oh, just do what you do. Distract Kim Possible and, and . . ."
"Buffoon," Shego said, not bothering to say Stoppable's name. He'd forgotten a dozen times.
"And the buffoon! Meanwhile, I shall fire these two projectiles - "
"Two? Aren't you taking a pretty big assumption there? What if she dodges them? What if - "
"I only had time to build two! I hate having a lair where they turn the hot water off at ten!"
Shego folded her arms and sighed. "Two projectiles," she prompted him.
"Yes, projectiles! When the projectiles are fastened to their bodies, something very eee-vil will happen," Drakken said, grinning wickedly.
"Oooooh, scary," Shego said.
Drakken smacked his face. "Shego!"
"What? You won't even tell me what they do!"
"It's a surprise!"
"Now I'm really scared."
"Give it up, Shego!" Kim demanded.
Shego yawned. She held up a small white index card. "Flee now, Kim Possible, before something - oh hell, I'm not reading this. You're going to die a horrible death, something so scary that he can't even tell ME about it. Yada yada yada." The card burned away to nothing in her hand.
"Maybe he's afraid of your biting sarcasm?" Ron asked. "Words can hurt too, you know."
"He's got a point there, Shego," Drakken's voice floated in from somewhere.
"So can sharp claws and green flames," Shego muttered. She spread her arms and leapt toward Kim, who expertly dodged.
"Don't worry, Kim, I'll - uh, run away when something bad happens," Ron said cheerfully. There didn't seem to be any death rays or elaborate traps to interfere with.
"Thanks," she said as she pulled back and narrowly avoided having her chest flayed by fiery claws.
"Yes, thank you, too, buffoon," Drakken murmured from his hiding place. "You stay right there, out in the open, while I first take care of Kim Possible." Rising slightly, he adjusted the cannon on his shoulder and fired.
"Bang?" Ron asked. "Was that a bang I just heard?"
"Yeah. And here's a boom," Shego replied, putting her hands together and clapping a burst of plasma in Kim's direction. She somersaulted backwards and ducked, avoiding the blast.
Her defensive posture exposed her, however, to the object flying directly toward her from behind.
"KP!" Ron called out, pointing.
"Huh?" she asked, turning around -
Just in time for the crescent-shaped piece of metal to strike her in the neck. She lurched backwards, unable to breathe for a moment from the blow to her throat. Then the two ends of the half-circle joined in the back, locking the device around her neck.
"What the hell?" Kim said, tugging uselessly at her new necklace.
"That was my reaction," Shego replied. "Where's the big scary? Trust Drakken to always let you down in the end."
"Remember what the buffoon said about hurtful words, Shego!" Drakken shouted back as he stood up, turned, and fired his second shot at Ron.
"The buffoon has a name!" Ron yelled. "Aagghh!" He saw the second shot moving unerringly toward him, and he turned and ran.
"Eh?" Rufus asked as he looked out of Ron's pocket. He climbed out, scrabbled up Ron's shirt, and looked backwards, perching on Ron's shoulder.
Just as it was approaching the nape of Ron's neck, Rufus' body heat threw the projectile off slightly, and it veered, striking Rufus in the forehead. The mole rat squealed and fell backwards. Ron skidded to a stop and caught him. "Rufus!"
The device moved erratically as it spun away and bounced off the wall.
Shego looked up at Drakken, who was fidgeting nervously. "Told you two wasn't enough," she said snidely.
She wasn't even paying attention any longer to the device, which re-established its heat sensors and flew toward the nearest target. It smacked into the back of Shego's neck and locked around her throat.
"Uh-oh," Drakken said.
"Hey, you two match," Ron said.
"We do NOT!" Kim and Shego both retorted before looking at each other.
"Well, that's just ducky," Shego snarled. "Could you wait one minute? I've got to have a talk with Drakken about his target practice." Then she ran away from Kim and toward the ladder that would take her up to where Drakken was standing.
"Shego, don't!" Drakken shouted.
"Scared? You should - aaaaghhh!"
"Aaaagggghhh!" Kim said at the exact same moment.
Kim and Shego's collars activated simultaneously, crackling with electricity as they sent jolts through both women's bodies. Shego tumbled to her knees while Kim pulled again at the collar. It seemed only to amplify the voltage, and she let go, crying out.
Drakken laughed nervously. "Uh, surprise, Shego?"
The dark-haired woman glared up at him. "Turn the damn thing off!"
"I, uh, can't. You see, Kim Possible," he said, confidence returning to his voice as he focused on his nemesis and tried to ignore Shego, "these inventions of mine are quite fond of each other. The farther apart they get from each other, the more pain it causes them - and you! Whenever you and the buffoon are more than three feet apart from each other, they will send electricity coursing through your veins, and the more the distance grows, the worse the pain becomes!"
Ron gasped. He ran towards Kim. "Don't worry, KP, I - hey, you said they turn off when I'm within three feet!"
"No, I didn't," Drakken said.
"You kinda did!"
"He's reading from those stupid index cards," Shego growled. "He means me and Kimmie."
Kim groaned as she stumbled to her feet. Fighting the collar, she staggered towards Shego and collapsed a couple feet away when the electricity was shut off.
"Nice going, Doctor D," Shego muttered. "Now how do I take it off?"
"Yes, well, you see, they were perhaps designed not to be taken off."
Shego sat up. "You mean you don't know HOW?!"
"It wasn't part of the plan! At least look at it this way, Shego - now they can't take you jail! Not without taking Kim Possible too, anyway."
"Yeah, sharing a cell with Shego? Not my kind of thing," Kim said.
Snarling, Shego raised a hand and flung it toward Drakken. A wave of plasma flew out and knocked the gun from his grasp. He yelped and ran in the opposite direction.
"I'll kill him," Shego muttered as she got up.
"And kill us while you're at it," Kim told her. "How far will you get with that thing wrapped around your neck?"
"You'll just have to tag along."
"Shego, he said he doesn't KNOW how to remove these. What's the point of beating him up when he can't get them off?"
"I'll feel better!"
"Wouldn't you rather get these off as soon as possible? I mean," Kim said, scowling as the enormity of Drakken's actions sunk in, "if we don't want to get hit with paralyzing electricity, we're going to have to spend hours - even DAYS - within a yard of each other."
Shego fell over. "Oh, shit," she groaned. "Now I've got to spend the day with you? How could my life possibly get any worse?"
"Uh, you get to spend it with me too?" Ron suggested.
Shego put her hands over her face and started pounding the back of her head against the floor.
To be continued . . .