Thief Messiah Carmen Sandiego
Object 04
by StarCross
It was never like the heyday of ACME ever since The Chief, ACME's sentient A.I. entity, suffered a massive software crash that he still had not recovered. Despite all his corny wisecracks and comic relief, everybody loved The Chief.
ACME had become grimmer. In just the past year, a good portion of the agents was laid off. Their hyperspeed internet technology was scaled back, and all operations of the convenient yet expensive to run C5 teleportation technology were ceased. All this was done to dedicate their already limited funds in reviving The Chief. Perhaps it was all of ACME's runaway spending that was the cause of the change. That or the current President of the United States of America, Bubba.
A square of a man named Lou Tennant was put in charge as The Chief's revival went underway. He had big glasses and was balding, but he wasn't that old. Headquarters was forced to move from Washington D.C. to someplace in Nevada, which was away from Las Vegas, not quite close to Area 51 (or Groom Lake), but very close to the town brothel. Actually, the brothel or "ranch" was right next door.
Whether the new headquarters was a perfect place was not the issue, as there wasn't many visitors coming to the ranch, and those who have seen the imposing fortress-like building of ACME would not dare to report as it would implicate them at the scene of the ranch. In addition to the hefty travel expenses, Ivy hated driving by the ranch in fear of his brother being drawn in even though he was close to the age of adulthood, and often times Leila dared him to go in.
And worse, the security was staffed by the boob-enhanced girls of the ranch, often causing Ivy to turn in her stomach.
Once past the security gates, Ivy, Zack, Leila, and Cole headed inside the building that was quite new and well equipped with high-tech security. However, not a lot attention to aesthetics was put onto the place, for the building screamed bareness. Indeed, the lack of funds was the reason for all this, and it might as well be that Ivy and her group were the only active agents allowed to travel the world in search of the agents of V.I.L.E. and Carmen Sandiego.
The meeting room they went inside was a more decorative and furnished, but that was minimal. Waiting inside was Lt. Lou Tennent at the head of the table with a big panel screen behind him that would show the digital Max Headroom-like face of The Chief if he were still active. Instead, the shield-crest logo of ACME was displayed prominently as it was surrounded by smaller screens of the progress of The Chief's recovery, security video feeds, CNN Headline News, the X-Files, Jerry Springer, and something that might be considered porn.
"Status report," began Lou.
"To start," said Ivy, "Carmen has been spotted in Kyoto, Japan and has picked up an unnamed girl we have no record of."
"Has she left any clues?"
"None whatsoever."
"None?"
"None."
"How can that be? Carmen always leaves clues."
"She did leave one of her operatives, Ben Dover."
"That man doesn't count!"
"Maybe we haven't been looking hard enough," said Zack. "Maybe leaving the Imperial Palace is a clue enough."
"She's not exactly stupid like that Zack," said Ivy.
"Grr, why can't we drop Carmen and go after more dangerous criminals?" Leila said. "Like drug lords, dictators, and abusive corporations."
"Go after drug lords?" said Lou. "Dictators? Leila, how can you say such things? Carmen is the most destructive criminal of our time!"
"What do you mean? All she does is steal stuff without killing anybody and leaves the stuff for us to pick up."
"You realize how much money it costs to recover artifacts as small as the hope diamond and as large as Mount Everest? We nearly went bankrupt because of it!"
"We should not forget about our C5 teleportation technology," said Cole, "which I sorely miss."
"You didn't even use it because you joined our agency as it downsized," said Leila.
"You thinking of quitting Leila?"
"I may show discontent, but that doesn't mean I should let Carmen roam free. And besides, I'm one of the few experienced members besides Zack and Ivy."
"Which is why we need you on our team," said Lou. "If we capture Carmen once and for and all, we will receive the necessary government funding to revive The Chief and restore ACME to our former glory."
"And then we can capture real criminals such as drug lords and dictators?"
"If the governments of the world allow us to, then yes."
The meeting was suddenly interrupted by the likes of K. M. Yoonity, a Korean agent who was notorious for running the agency's phone bills. If not for his many connections, he would have been laid off.
"I just got a call from the governor of California," he said. "Hearst Castle has been stolen!"
The young Becky didn't really participate on her very first mission, but she witnessed first hand the impressive operations and organization of V.I.L.E. With a combination of social engineering, phone calls, and timing, Carmen and her forces emptied out the entire Hearst Castle estate of its security and employees and with her magnificently mighty airships she literally pulled it off ground. Becky literally rode on the estate and watched it pass of the California coast without arousing attention from the TV and pop culture-addicted populace.
It was a long travel. Airships came and went as it changed shifts, while a regular supply line of food and other amenities were dropped off onto the floating estate. Eventually, electricity was up in running thanks to an array of generators, so that the agents could relax and watch television or surf on the newfangled Internet.
Finally, the estate stopped over the middle of a calm ocean. The airships lowered Hearst Castle and its attached land in the middle of a ring of abandoned oil platforms. The platforms, towed by massive boats, drew closer to the sudden island and attached huge steel cables to the land. Then, the platforms sunk, thus serving as anchors for the floating island.
Thus, Carmen descended from a helicopter in full excitement before her fellow agents with applause and confetti for another heist well done. Using the front steps as a makeshift auditorium, she gave her thanks for everyone's efforts and for their safe return.
"But Ben Dover isn't with us," noted Contessa Vanessa.
"Oh, dear," said Carmen. "I hope he will be all right."
"Of course he will," smiled Seymour Butz. "He has the best ass in the universe. He can wriggle himself out of any situation."
"After much penetration," grinned Dr. E. Rogenis.
"Now, now," said Carmen. "We have a young girl among us."
"I'm not that young," said Becky. "The stuff you describe is nothing compared to the shit I was put through before I met my sensei."
"So what's our next plan milady?" Contessa asked.
"Our next plan?" said Carmen. "What else? We celebrate!"
And the agents let out a loud cheer.
Immediately, preparations for a party began, and soon the celebration began late in the afternoon. Like many great parties thrown in by many great villainesses, there was loud music from many world bands and artists that Carmen literally stole, although the victims didn't mind playing for the greatest criminal mastermind. As of matter of fact, Carmen even compensated them for their trouble.
Carmen even "kidnapped" one of the many great chefs of the worlds, including the likes of Wolfgang Puck and an up-and-comer who likes to say "BAM!" a lot.
Though they were in the middle of the ocean, the agents, both male and female of able and attractive bodies, swam in the indoor and outdoor pools in their bathing suits. Luckily, Sharon Herpes ate too much and was too drunk to swim. Everyone prayed that she would not swim--ever.
The party was lively, but not too rowdy or perverted. Carmen, on the other hand, was not found anywhere, and Becky spent almost the entire time looking for her. Each person she asked did not know where she went, and so far no helicopter or airship had taken off. Her right-hand woman, Contessa, did not know either, although she gave a scowling answer to Becky.
"Why are you so anxious to look for her?" she asked.
"I was just wondering," said Becky.
"Carmen is a very busy woman. Now, I may be close to her, but she is very secretive about her plans and her past. And for future reference, I recommend not asking anything about her past. Got that?"
"Okay."
"Good. Hopefully by tomorrow she will return."
Tomorrow came. Carmen didn't return, but something else was missing.
Becky woke up in her room she next to Carmen's suite to find that all of her panties and bras were missing. She heard feminine screams across the castle. She zipped herself up into a V.I.L.E. one-piece jumpsuit and ran out with her sword, the Shinseiki, in hand.
Outside in a robe, Contessa was in her robe with a frantic face.
"What happened?" Becky asked.
"My underwear," said Contessa. "Gone!"
"Yours too?" asked Rogenis who arrived along with Les, Sharon, Jenny, The Butch, and the many women of V.I.L.E.
"Unh!" said The Butch.
"I hope we don't have another crazy lesbian stalker like last time," said Les.
"Ugh," shuddered Contessa. "I hope not."
"That's funny," said Sharon. "I still have mine."
"Uh, yeah. It seems that in their mad rush he forgot about you."
"Or maybe he has a secret crush on me, don't you think?"
"Whatever. Ladies, we have to get to the bottom of this perverted prank!"
"Shall I get Moe Mentum to search for Carmen?" asked Les.
"No! We round up the men! I mean, you round up the men Sharon."
"Why me?" asked Sharon.
"Just do it."
"Okay."
"And round them up in a closed of place, will you?"
Sharon headed off to do her duty. After many manly screams and pleas that sounded like "Don't touch me!", Sharon unknowingly and with very little effort corralled all of the male agents into the cavernous living room. Contessa led Becky and all the other angry women into the same room in order to interrogate through accused pranksters.
"It's not us!" Seymour protested. "I only like looking at butts! Not underwear!"
"How can you possibly accuse me of all people," said Father Bo Nerr. "You know what will happen if I... or dear Lord..."
"I gotta pee," said Moe Mentum, who was collar-chained to the ceiling chandeliers.
"Me too," said Sharon. "How long do I have stand here?"
"Not too long," said Contessa.
"Come on! Don't be such a bitch!"
"Sheesh all right. Jenny, take over for her, and try to cover yourself."
The men shuddered and almost whimpered as Jenny Teilia stepped forward in place of the now-running Sharon. Jenny was covered in a loose pink robe that might be transparent. As arousing as it could be, the men shuddered in fear of beholding the sight of her, well, deadly genitalia.
"So not one of you have stolen our underwear," said Contessa.
"For the eighth time, we didn't," said Sir Kim Zishun.
"They haven't stolen mine," said Sharon as she returned to the bathroom.
"Oh, shut up Sharon," said Contessa. "And why aren't you wearing your underwear? Go put some on!"
"Well, since you gals aren't wearing yours to arouse the guys..."
"Dear God no!" cried Bo.
"If all our underwear are stolen, how come we woken up naked?" asked Becky.
"You're right," said Rogenis. "I swore I went to bed with just my underwear."
"Don't tell me we've been molested in our sleep," said Les.
"No we weren't," said Contessa. "The panty thief would not have the time to do so, and we should have noticed since we're all thieves in our own right."
"So one of us girls stole the underwear," said Rogenis as she leered at Les.
In fact, everyone leered at Les.
"What?" Les said. "That's prejudice! Why would I be interested in other women's underwear? That's a sick thing to do!"
"Your name says it all," said Rogenis.
"My name is Leslie Beatrix Annette! Not Les B. Ann!"
"You do have short hair."
"The Butch is more butch than me!"
"Unh!" The Butch responded.
"Oh, come now," said Rogenis. "The Butch is quite a feminine woman. She only looks slightly butch."
"Unh!"
"I'm not even that much a thief anyway!" cried Les. "And besides, the only one with the advanced skills to pull it off is Carmen herself."
"How dare you say that?" Contessa said. "Carmen does not partake in such perverse things."
"It could be possible," said Becky.
"Enough! Let us not focus on who stole our underwear. We should do all that we can to recover them. I'm sure the thief has left some clues. Search out and find them!"
"What about us?" asked Kim.
"You're staying there until we're done. Jenny and Sharon will watch over you."
"You're evil, you know that."
"And that's why I'm second-in-command."
"I'm hankering for some leftover pork butts," said Seymour.
"I gotta pee badly too," said Bo. "Must... resist... reverse-Morning Wood..."
The search was on. Groups of women were assigned, with Becky accompanying Les and The Butch, and Contessa searching with Rogenis. Contessa also generously left commands to Jenny and Sharon to give the men some food and bathroom breaks although many of them were to terrified and petrified to move from the sitting spot. Some even peed on the rug.
They thought it would be easy to find a clue on an artificial island, but it wasn't. The castle and its grounds were carefully ransacked in order to minimize damage to the old artifacts a rich media mogul had collected in his vanity. Becky and her group stayed within the castle thinking instead of searching of possible clues the panty thief had behind. There was Carmen's suite they hadn't searched, but was not allowed to go into under Contessa's orders. They went anyway and found nothing out of the ordinary.
"Even Carmen's are gone," said Les.
"Unh!" said The Butch.
"You know, I expected you of all people to stop calling me Les B. Ann."
"Unh!"
"I'm not that good in detective-ing," said Becky.
"Neither all of us 'cause we're all thieves," said Les.
"Yes, but Carmen was once a detective at ACME."
"That is true."
"And to evade the detectives you must think like one. We should be searching things out of the ordinary."
"We're up to our noses in artifacts. We're standing in and atop of one for God's sake."
She did give Becky an epiphany. She now had to look for something modern, yet out of the ordinary. That ruled out cooking supplies, weapons, tents, personnel clothing, uniforms, and the generators. She looked about the room and saw a trio of something that was comical on top of the dresser.
The first item, in order was the plush doll Count from Sesame Street. The second was the plush doll of Montana Max from Tiny Toon Adventures. The third, even more strangely, was a bottle of Crisco that had a dash drawn over the second C.
"Unh!" said The Butch.
"Not now," said Becky. "Wolf Ears is trying to think."
"Unh!"
The Butch was pointing to the three items, and tried to convey her observations to Becky, who had not understood.
"Yeah," Becky spoke back. "But what's the deal with the Count of Tiny Toons Crisco?"
"Unh," groaned The Butch.
"The Count of Monty Crisco?"
The Butch nodded. Becky did watch the Japanese dub of Tiny Toons at Japan, and Montana Max, a recurring villain in the series, was a rich young bastard that had a doorbell that would yell out his name, shortened to Monty. But that had nothing to do with the clue at hand. The Butch's insisted that they should go down to the library to look for a book.
"Hey, Les B. Ann," said Becky.
"LESLIE BEATRIX ANNETTE," growled Les.
"Sorry. It really does roll off the tongue well. Anyway, The Butch says we should search the library for clues."
So they went. The Butch instructed them to look for a certain book written by some author named Alexandre Dumas. Les found The Count of Monte Cristo, which was the original French language version. She gave it to The Butch, who immediately flipped to the bookmarked page. The bookmark happens to be nude picture of Carmen Electra, which the girls immediately discarded.
"Can you read it?" asked Les.
The Butch sighed with a soft, "Unh..."
"You failed French?"
The Butch nodded.
"I can read French," said Becky. "Almost."
Becky received the book and read through passage of the book involving one of the characters meeting up with the famed Count in a grotto on a usually deserted island.
"Do we have a grotto around here?" asked Becky.
Les and The Butch shook their heads.
"Unh!" said The Butch.
"She's right," said Les. "There isn't any sea-side grottos since... never actually. You know this has never been an island."
"We should search anyway."
They all agreed. They relayed the order to focus the search outside for any type grotto. They found a few, but they had been installed in place by William Randolph Hearst and held no secret passages of some sort. Becky had never really read the Dumas's book so she didn't know what to expect to find. But she read enough to know that the location of the Count's grotto was found seaside, and against her better judgment she searched the shore.
The edge of the artificial island was protected by perimeter of pontoons that created a ditch for gravel to be filled in. That way, the water won't erode the land taken from its surface. It was a long walk, possibly a half-hour passed when Becky alone had found what seemed to be some sort of cave structure in an inlet underneath some kind of hill. It turned out to be cave when she approached it, possibly carved out during the heist or due to the nature of the trees above. Large enough to allow a person to walk through, Becky entered and soon she smelled pleasant scents of perfume. Deeper she went in, and she saw light. She gripped the handle of her sword just in case, and she crept through the curtain beads to behold a very sensual sight.
"Good morning Becky," greeted Carmen.
It looked like she walked into the den of an Arabian king or queen, as the place was filled with glittering pots and jugs, silk satin curtains, chests of gold coins, jewel-encrusted weapons of old, and ancient oriental rugs. Carmen was in a loose red silk dress that showed her pure shoulders and exposed a bit of her bust that would have made Becky blush uncontrollably if it was not covered with jewels. Carmen's hair was now straight like Cleopatra's, and she was so stunning that Becky shook.
"Guh, guh, what are you doing here?" Becky asked.
"Relaxing," moaned Carmen. She then took a woman's brief from a hand-woven basket and sniffed.
"Um, those are mine."
"They are? I didn't mean to creep you out."
"It's all right."
"Come sit down."
"Sure."
Even after finding Carmen and stolen panties, Becky could not relax. She sat on the edge of the soft silk bed with so much tension that she could melt. And she might melt again if Carmen were to do something while she was unconscious.
"It's a tradition from me to my fellow agents," said Carmen. "So far, only two people have solved my fun riddle. The first was Contessa, who would never admit it was me who stole the undergarments. The second is you."
"You're not only the world's greatest thief," winced Becky. "You're also the world's greatest panty thief."
"I'm like a dirty old man, aren't I?"
"A dirty old woman perhaps."
Carmen chuckled. Then she burst out laughing.
"I really do love doing this! I had cameras installed to record the whole thing!"
"I guess you're as vile as you say you are."
"Oh, I don't think of myself that way. I'm more of a philanthropist of some sort."
"But V.I.L.E. stand for..."
"The Villains International League of Evil? Well there was a time we were once called that, and that was just a PR move to scare the children away from our organization. As the years passed, it started to sound corny, yet the children who we were supposed to scare off began to see as cool. Soon enough, revolutionaries and leftists were admiring us for hoodwinking and bamboozling corrupt governments that caused great many changes in their country's governments. We may not be a positive force, but we are a force of change. Sometimes, you need chaos to change things for the better."
"But you're still a thief."
"A thief with class."
"I still admire you though."
Carmen smiled and stroked Becky's cheek.
"You really do remind me of myself."
"I don't," said Becky. "I used to have a family who was murdered before my eyes."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I didn't expect you to be there to rescue me."
"Then... do you think I'm ignoring the plight of children orphaned by crime? Maybe I really am a villain."
"It can't be helped! My family was doing some shady business with come criminals! I was unlucky enough to survive."
Becky got up. "I'm sorry that I poured all this onto you. It has nothing to do with you."
"In some ways, I envy you. At least you had a family. I on the other hand grew up in an orphanage. Through my detective skills, I tried to find out who my parents were, and despite genetic testing there is no one related to me."
Becky was then reminded of Contessa's stern warning not to inquire Carmen about her past.
"I see," she said. "Well, since I solved the case of the missing women's underwear, I guess I'll bring them back."
"I'll help you."
"No, I'll be fine."
"I insist. Let me put on my coat and hat."
Carmen threw on her trademark red trench coat and her wide-brimmed red fedora hat. She assisted Becky the four baskets out of the cave.
"Say Carmen," said Becky. "Did you tell them that you were an orphan to Contessa?"
"No," said Carmen. "You were the first."