Utena: Got Milk? / the Revolutionary Girl is Here!
NOTE: This little flight of fancy may take some explaining. Shortly after I saw the milk advertisement on TV, where a group of well-known super heroes recruited a milkman for membership in their group, an odd idea suddenly occurred to me: if they were really so desperate for people to join, who else might they resort to trying to recruit? And so an very weird Utena fiction was born!
There was a tiny hint of movement underneath Utena's eyelids, then her body twitched slightly as she slowly returned to the world of consciousness. She winced a little when she tried to sit up, feeling a sudden burst of pain. She reached up and gently rubbed at the large bump on the back of her head even as she groaned loudly.
'What in the world hit me?' a dazed Utena thought to herself sourly. Taking a moment to look down at herself, she was surprised to notice that she was dressed in her rose duelist's uniform, rather than more normal clothes.
"Ah, good, you're finally awake," an far too excessively cheerful male voice said to her. She squinted in the bright overhead light, and saw she was sitting in front of a long table, with at least twenty or so rather oddly dressed men and women sitting behind it. "Welcome to the meeting, Revolutionary Girl!"
"What meeting?" Utena asked them, sounding as confused as she felt. "And who are you people, anyway?" she continued crossly, looking up and down the line.
"We are the members of the Heroic Alliance!" the loud man in the neon blue costume said to her cheerfully. "And this is our semi-annual membership meeting. And may I say, you do look like an ideal recruit for our group."
"Excuse me, but how did I get here, exactly?" Utena asked him quietly, her eyebrow twitching a bit as she fought to keep her temper under control.
"Why, our new member Witch Girl brought you." a pretty woman in forest green leaves answered, gesturing to a figure standing quietly behind Utena.
Utena quickly turned around in her seat, and Anthy smiled and waved kawaiily at her. Utena couldn't help sweatdropping. Anthy was dressed in only a short black dress, black high heeled shoes, wearing a cute little witch's hat, masked and carrying a old fashioned straw broom. "Hello, Utena- sama." she said ti her cheerfully.
Utena put her head in her hands and groaned softly. 'Why do these things happen to me?' Utena thought tiredly.
Farther down the table, a young man clicks his stopwatch almost exactly the same time as Utena groaned. "Miki?" a surprised Utena asked, looking up and over at where he was sitting. "You're part of this too?"
"In this outfit, they call me Timer." Miki said in his black, clock themed costume, obviously deeply embarrassed to be there and being dressed the way he was. He added quietly, "I'm really, really sorry about this."
"And I," a figure declares, as he flipped his black, red satin lined cape over his shoulder and stepped out of the shadows in a tux, top hat, and rhinestone studded mask, "am the Really Cool Kamen!" Utena looked at him, and sweatdropped.
"Touga, I didn't know you could look so utterly stupid," Utena said after she contined to look at him for a moment. He sighs loudly, deflated.
Nearby, but out of their direct line of sight, they can all hear an heated argument going on, a bit muffled at first, but growing clearer.
"I don't care, Shiori!" a familiar voice cries to the other angrilly. " I will not wear that outfit!" it more softly continues.
"But Juri, you'd look so good in it," a sexy voice that many of them instantly recognized answered her oh so sweetly. A soft, resigned sounding sigh, then they heard the sound of two people getting dressed up.
A few moments later, Shiori steps out of the nearby changing room, dressed in... well, very, very little. The two piece leather bikini looked like it was just barely managing to restrain all of Shiori's charms. A very embarassed looking Juri followed her out, dressed in a fifties style suit, with a small mask and fedora.
"I still can't believe you talked me into this," Juri said, looking at her very sexy leather clad sidekick. Shiori snuggled close to her.
"Shouldn't you use our new code-names, Juri-sama?" Shiori asked her sweetly. Juri blushed brightly, muttering something under her breath. She tried to delay a bit, clearing her throat, until Shiori glared at her.
"I am Butch Girl..." Juri declared, blushing.
"...and I am Femme Girl!" Shiori cried.
Everybody sweatdropped at that.
TWO
Utena growled angrily, muttering under her breath, as she and the others stayed hidden behind the large meeting table. On the other side, they could hear what sounded like a very one-sided battle going on between most of the members of the Alliance and some very familiar looking foes. Anthy, Miki, and Touga were crouched nearby her, as well as two figures she recognized as Mikage and Mamiya. Even if they were wearing odd costumes too.
"Would you please try to explain something to me, Mikage," Utena angrily started, only to be cut off as another figure appeared floating in the air beside them.
"That's Mentat!" Mamiya corrected her rather prissily. "And I," he then declaired, "am the mysterious Ghost Boy!"
She shot him a glare. "Why don't you just shut up, Figment Boy. Mikage," Utena turned to ask him rather coldly, "why in the world are we sitting here being attacked by a group of YOUR OWN Black Rose Duelists?"
"Well..." Mikage blushed brightly. He rubbed the back of his head and said, "You see, we made a few too many of them. The extra ones left us and eventually went freelance, and now are hired out on a per-job basis as Generic Henchmen."
Everybody looked over at the embarassed Mikage and Mamiya floating nearby him and they all sweatdropped.
Shiori, out her two piece leather bikini, somehow managed to produce Juri's sword, causing several people to look at her in more than a little surprise and awe. "Have you been taking lessons from Anthy?" Miki asked her, his eyes suddenly becoming all sparkly and shoujo like.
Utena stuck her head back up over the table and took in the progress of the battle. The various heroes weren't doing too good, not very good at all. Ducking back down, she sighed and reluctantly said to the others, "I guess we'd better go out there and try to help them out." She looked over at Witch Girl to say, "Anthy?"
A quick sword draw later, Utena, Juri and Anthy leaped over the table and went after the small mob of Black Roses. "I," Touga loudly exclaimed, flipping his cape back dramatically "the Really Cool Kamen, will also join the fight!" From a fancy cane, he pulls a concealed sword out and starts taking out black roses.
Miki sighed softly. "I forgot my sword!" he complained to Shiori. She looked him over up and down suggestively.
"Oh, I don't know. I think you have a pretty good one myself," she said, smiling as she looked down at the groin area of his skin tight blue spandex costume. Miki blushed neon red and then dove over the table to get away from the young lady. "What'd I say?" Shiori asked in kawaii tones, a evil little smile on her face.
Anthy fought them with a simple method: she just kept clobbering people over the head with her broom's wooden handle. Utena watched that and blinked, suddenly struck by the vague memory of a figure sneaking up behind her back at the dorm. 'Did Anthy clobber me that way?' Utena thought, sweatdropping a little.
Juri, in her suit, cut a fine figure as she tore a swath through the small army of black roses. Even Touga was holding his own, though he did seem to keep getting tangled up in his overly long cape. Suddenly, Miki jumped on top of one of the few upright tables in the secret base and held his stopwatch over his head.
"Time... STOP!" he loudly yelled out, hitting the stop switch on the watch. There was a sudden wave of bright blue light, and the Black Roses began to slow down, then they just seemed to freeze there in place.
"Miki," Utena asked as she turned to him slowly, a fierce frown on her face "why on Earth didn't you do that earlier?"
"I can only do it once a day." he quickly explained. He saw Shiori giving him a suggestive look and blushed. "Guys, you've got less than a minute of the time stop left!" Miki said to them rather frantically. All the heroes jumped up into action, everyone shredding the duelist's Black Roses as fast as they could manage.
"There's still too many! We're not going to make it," Touga cried out, when a nearby wall suddenly exploded inward. Two pretty young women walked through the smoking gap, stopped, and took in the scene.
"Did we miss the meeting?" Kinomoto Sakura asked them all with a cheerful smile. A card seemed to appear from nowhere in her hand, she raised up her staff and then she activated it. "Time Card!" she cried out, "freeze all but the heroes!"
Miki sighed with relief when she walked in. Daidouji Tomoyo followed her close behind, carrying a sword in one hand, a video camera in the other. "What a shot!" she sighed happily, absentmindedly cutting roses as she filmed.
The threat delt with, Sakura smiled sunnily at Utena. "My name is Kinomoto Sakura," she said, and with a blush continued, "though around here they just call me Cardcaptor."
Utena, Anthy and the other Ohtori residents were sitting at a newly straightened up table, having some tea with Sakura and Tomoyo. The sword and staff the two of them were carrying had become a pair of necklaces.
Most of the members of the Heroic Alliance had left, rather sheepishly, to go tend to their wounds. They had also bestowed full membership on Utena, a gift she was kind of dubious about, to say the least.
Utena took a drink of her tea, looking over at the two new arrivals, "So how many of you heroes are there, anyway?"
Sakura looked thoughtful. "Well," she said thoughtfully, "there's the Goddess three, poor Gender-change boy, Kekko Kamen, Moldiver, the Hyperdolls, Galaxy Frauline Yuna, Pollylina, Supergirl, Steel..."
"Gender-change boy?" Utena quietly echoed.
"He's under a odd curse. Cold water turns him into a girl, hot water then turns him back," Tomoyo explained.
"Now where was I?" Sakura asked them.
"Steel," Anthy supplied.
"Oh, right! And there's me and Tomoyo, of course," Sakura finished.
Tomoyo kawaiily panned her camera across the small group, recording their expressions: Anthy's cheerful, Touga trying to look heroic, Miki smiling rather shyly, Utena looking a bit irritable, Mikage and Mamiya cuddling, Juri looking embarassed, and Shiori looking... hot. Then she zoomed back in on Sakura.
Hearing the soft beep of an alarm go off, Sakura checked her wrist watch and then groaned softly to herself. "It's time to go out on patrol again," Sakura said to the rest of them, looking very glum as she said it.
Tomoyo perked right up hearing that, saying very happily, "Good, I can get more heroic footage of my Sakura-chan!"
"Patrol?" Utena asked, sweatdropping.
Anthy smiled eagerly, "We go out and battle evil!"
"No," Miki sighed, very depressed looking "we get to go out and let random people laugh at all the dim-wits running around in the funny suits." Juri nodded in agreement, getting a scolding look from Shiori for her trouble.
Anthy gave them all a hurt look.
Utena sighed and asked Anthy, "You're going along?"
"Of course I am, Revolutionary Girl-sama!" Anthy said cheerfully in reply.
Utena sighed, then looked over at Sakura, "All right, I guess I'm in, just to keep... Witch Girl out of trouble."
Anthy squealed her happiness and suddenly threw her arms around Utena's neck, who blushed furiously.
Suddenly, the familiar sound of running can be heard, and Utena's eyes go wide. "Not here, not now!" she whimpered.
"Utena-sama!" Wakaba cried cheerfully, glomping her. Utena staggered about in a circle, fighting to keep her balance.
"Wakaba, what are you doing here?" Utena asked.
"I'm not Wakaba," the masked girl said to Utena cheerfuly, in the same hyper tones Wakaba usually used "I'm Genki-Girl!"
More sweatdropping...
THREE
Suddenly, they arrived on a rooftop in the middle of a major city. “How did we get here?” Utena asked, looking around wildly.
“Why, Teleport-boy brought us,” Anthy said pointing towards a short young man.
Tsuwabuki smiled cheerfully and waved. “Sorry, but I need to get back before Nanami notices I’m gone. I’ll pick you guys up in three hours,” he said, and softly and silently disappeared.
“We’d better wait here a few minutes,” Sakura said with a sigh. “There’s some late arrivals we’re expecting.”
“Like who?” Utena asked. The roof top was instantly plunged into darkness, and she groaned “I had to ask.”
“The shadow of evil threatens the delicate flower!” the woman’s voice declared. They saw a silhouetted figure standing on a nearby building. “But I will not let the flower fall!” The figure leaps, and lands beside the group, a shapely young woman in white and pink, “I, the masked maiden, Pollylina!”
Utena watched, sweatdropping. “At least she knows how to make an entrance,” she said softly.
Pollylina turned, smiling at Utena, “A new arrival! Hi, I’m Pollylina.”
“Tenjou Utena. I guess they’re calling me Revolutionary girl,” she said with a wry smile on her face.
“Nice to meet you,” Pollylina said with a smile.
“Will Yuna be here as well?” Sakura asked with an impish smile.
Pollylina groaned, “She’s still studying for exams, thank the goddess. Or else she would be all over me again!”
“She really likes you, you know,” Juri said in a scolding tone. She grins suddenly, adding “Or else maybe she wants the toaster oven she’ll get if she recruits you.”
Before anyone can reply to that, they hear an arguement, slowly growing louder: “Stop following me!” “No, you stop following me!” “Watch where you’re flying!” “Oh, go get your own air-space!” and so on and so forth.
The two voices become two young women, who land on the rooftop still fiercely arguing. One wears a very familiar blue and red uniform, while the other is dressed in a suit of sleek body armor. Tomoyo waves at them cheerfully, while still filming Sakura, “Hi, Supergirl, Steel!”
They notice Utena, and suddenly stop fighting. “Hi,” the redhead said smiling, “I’m A-ko. Don’t mind the costume, Dad insists I wear it.”
The woman in armor shoves A-ko aside and declares “I’m B-ko! And I will prove my genius by doing everything she can do, only better!”
“Why, you!” A-ko barks, and the two break out fighting.
“Oh, no. not again!” Anthy groaned. Yelling louder, “Heroes shouldn’t be fighting each other!”
Juri smiled, shaking her head, “That’s just how they show their affection for each other, Witch Girl.”
“Gee, they must like each other a lot!” a wide eyed Anthy said, as another large explosion went off.
The fight continued to escalate, missiles flying and punches thrown, until finally Sakura finally had enough of it. “Freeze Card! Put them both on ice!” she cried. Two ice blocks holding A-ko and B-ko dropped on to the roof.
Tomoyo sighed happily, having caught it all on tape.
“Let’s leave them here to thaw out,” Pollylina suggested. Wakaba had picked up a stick from somewhere and was gleefully poking both frozen heroes. “Genki Girl, stop that,” Pollylina said with a sigh.
Wakaba stuck her tongue out at her, but she did stop.
“Is patrol like this every night?” Utena asked, sweatdropping.
Sakura shrugged, “No, sometimes it’s worse.”
Utena sighed softly. They were standing by the edge of the roof, and she looked down to the street warily. “So how do we get down from here to patrol?”
“We usually don’t,” Sakura admitted.
“You mean they just stand up here and argue for three hours?” Utena asked her disbelievingly.
Sakura nods mournfully.
Before Utena can sau anything else, a kawaii voice yelled “Revolutionary Girl-sama!” and Utena was glomped! She staggered, and barely kept from going over the side!
“That happens to you often?” Sakura asked softly. With Utena’s mournful nod, she said admiringly “You’re a braver woman than I am.”
Part Four
Utena carefully held the gold necklace up in front of her face, looking at it with an very odd expression. A cute little sword, a nearly perfect replica of the Sword of Dios itself, hangs from the chain, turning and sparkling slightly in the morning's sunlight.
"It's very nice looking, Anthy," Utena said to her softly, "but why?"
Anthy smiled at her kawaiily, and Utena felt that sinking feeling come over her yet again. "It's your transformation wand," she explained cheerfully.
"Transformation wand?" Utena echoed softly, her expression mostly controlled. But her one eyebrow had started twitching a bit.
Anthy gave her a cheery nod. "Just hold it like this," she said, reaching over to adjust Utena's hands so that she was holding the cute little sword up over her head, "and say this; For the power to revolutionize the world!"
Utena sweatdropped. "For the power to revolutionize the world," she softly repeated, sounding very unimpressed.
Suddenly, rinbu Revolution starts up in the background as Utena is enfolded in swirling rainbow lights. Without intending too, Utena whirls around in odd poses, ultimately ending up looking... not very different at all.
Utena looked down at what looked like her normal Dueling uniform, but she noticed there was a slight difference: she had a cute little black mask on her face to hide her identity. She twisted her body around, looking herself over, but other than that there were no big changes.
"Couldn't I just go off to change my clothes, instead?" Utena asked Anthy rather dubiously.
Anthy's eyes got big, and shimmered with large, unshed tears. "You don't like it?" she asked her in a wavering, little girl's voice.
Utena sighed, and hurried to reassure her, "No, no, it's just fine." In only seconds, Anthy got all happy again, and Utena was left wondering how the girl could turn her tears on and off like some kind of faucet.
Utena looked out the window, the class was so boring that watching the overcast skies was more interesting. It was probably more educational too, considering how the old lady droned on. Then she nearly fell right out of her chair.
From the top of Akio's observatory, a beam of light shone up onto the dark clouds. Neon pink light, in fact, that outlined a black 'R' that was visible all across the school on the low clouds. Several other students also noticed it, gathering to look out the window at the odd sight.
"Utena-sama!" she heard, and a weight suddenly hit her right on the back. A great effort kept the two of them from going straight out the window, and she turned her head slightly to see Wakaba staring over her shoulder out the window at the dark sky. "Hey," she loudly said, pointing outside, "it's the Revolutionary signal!"
"Revolutionary signal?" Utena said with a soft whimpering sound.
"Yeah, Anthy said she was having it put in yesterday," Wakaba said to Utena cheerfully. "It doesn't turn off until Revolutionary Girl appears," she said leadingly.
Utena thumped her head on the desktop, hard. "Teacher," she said, looking up towards the front of the class, "may I please be excused?"
"Why?" the older woman asked her with a grim look on her pinched features. It was bad enough Tenjou wore such odd clothes to school, but wanting to leave class too?.
'I suppose saying that I need to go get Anthy to shut off that big pink flashlight won't work?' Utena thought to herself wearily. "I really need to use the bathroom," she said over her shoulder as she ran out into the hallway.
Wakaba followed her out, saying to Utena in her perkyest manner "We need to transform ourselves!" With that she pulled a cute little mirror out, loudly saying "Who is the genki-est one of all?" With the saying of that magical phrase Wakaba was gone, and in a burst of bright light and rather bad music, Genki girl appeared.
"At least in costume I hopefully won't be recognized," Utena sighed softly. She fished the necklace out, holding the little sword awkwardly. "For the power to revolutionize the world!" she cried, and was changed herself.
The two shadow-play girls watched both of them run by them.
"That almost looked like Utena and Wakaba going by," shadow-play girl A-ko said with a cute little frown on her face. It wasn't really that visible, her being a shadow and all, but trust me, it was really cute looking.
"But it couldn't be them," shadow-play girl B-ko said to the other girl quite reasonably, "they were both wearing masks."
They reached the observatory's roof, where they saw a quite depressed looking Akio Ohtori standing there. He was waiting nearby a big spotlight that was painted bright pink, and was projecting the signal up into the cloudy sky.
"She's got you involved in this, too?" Utena asked him rather disbelievingly.
"She quivered her chin and cried at me," Akio said with a weary sounding sigh. Utena patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.
Anthy stepped out of the shadows, smiling at them all sweetly. She was dressed in her Witch Girl costume, with witch hat, broom, and all. "I'm glad you answered so swiftly," she said happily, "I have something to show you."
"Could you please turn this thing off first?" Utena asked softly, gesturing to the big pink light. Akio flipped the switch off, then he wandered off to find something to drink. Perferably cognac, but at that moment he wasn't feeling too picky.
"To the revolutionary cave!" Anthy loudly declared, leading them over to an hidden elevator. With only a few half-hearted protests they quickly went down below ground level, the doors finally opening up into a large chamber.
Utena cautiously stepped out, and then she gasped softly in surprise. The car sitting there was sleek, almost bird like, and looked like it could outrun almost anything else on the road without really trying. Utena barely noticed that it was bright pink as she pointed at it and softly breathed out, "That is a really nice car."
"The Revolutionary-mobile," Anthy said with a sweet little smile.
Part Five!
Utena, Anthy, Wakaba...
"Genki Girl!" Wakaba corrected the author pointedly.
... make that Genki Girl and Witch Girl, anyway, all of them climbed inside the sleek, pink painted custom automobile. The Revolutionary Mobile started up with a soft roar, the engine soon subsiding down to a throaty purr. Utena sweatdropped at the plush pink interior all around them, but firmly decided not to think about it too much.
They shot down the hidden tunnels below Ohtori, and as they drove Utena noticed a series of words painted on the roadway under them. "Why is 'Stop, Danger, Death' written on this road?" Utena asked Anthy a bit nervously.
"Oh, that's just a hold over from when they were first constructing the academy," Anthy explained to them cheerfully before softly adding, "Why, I'm sure that Akio deactivated all the death traps he put in years ago."
"What?" Utena and Wakaba asked at the same time.
"Oh, dear," Anthy murmured, pointing, "death trap."
"Ack!" Utena swerved the car aside from a black, heavily armored car that had appeared in front of them. "Well, it handles pretty well," she quietly conceded. A worried look appeared on Utena's face, "Anthy, where did this car come from, anyway?"
"Oh, Juri and I just took it away from the funny man in the cave," Anthy explained to both of them with her typical cheerfulness.
Cut to the darkness of the Batcave, where billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne is leaning on his crutches and looking at where the Batmobile had been formerly sitting, along with the bright pink paint that had been splashed all around there.
"Oh, well," Bruce shook his head with a sigh, "I can always afford another one."
"You stole it?" Utena sweatdropped.
"Borrowed," Anthy corrected her primly.
"Way to go, Anthy," Wakaba beamed.
"Oh, god," Utena muttered. She looked around at the plush pink interior again and asked her curiously, "Was it like this when you found it?"
"Actually, yes," Anthy sweatdropped.
They emerged from the tunnel out onto a major roadway, where they quickly came up to a jeep being driven by Arisugawa Juri. She was dressed up in her full Butch Girl costume, Shiori sitting happily beside her dressed in... very little.
"Why do I just get to drive a jeep?" Juri asked Shiori, looking over enviously at the Revolutionary Mobile beside them.
"A jeep's butch," Shiori shrugged.
"Well, yes," Juri acknowledged that point, "but so is a sports car. Why couldn't I be driving one of those, at least?"
"Because we couldn't afford a sports car," Shiori pointed out quietly.
"Ah, good point," Juri admitted.
A long, bulky and oversized sports car drove up beside the other two vehicles, an irritating theme music playing loudly from the speakers. The top was down and Touga was standing on the back seat, dressed as tacky as ever. "It is I, the Really Cool Kamen," he loudly declared, "and my sidekick, Kendo-boy!"
"Why do I have to be the sidekick?" Saionji demanded from the front seat. Oddly, instead of wearing pants with his costume, he had cute little green briefs on to match his hair. "And why do I have to wear this costume?" he asked plaintively.
Touga gently wapped him upside the head with his sword. "Hush, Kendo- boy! That was the only costume left at the rental shop, and you're the sidekick because you got into this late," he said with a grand gesture that nearly sent him flying out of the car.
"If the Author hadn't forgotten about me," Saionji grumbled while rubbing the side of his head, "I wouldn't be in this mess now."
"Onward, Kendo-boy! To heroism," Touga pointed randomly into the distance.
"Could we run them off the road?" Juri shouted over to Utena.
"That wouldn't be heroic," Anthy yelled back.
"Too bad," Shiori pouted cutely.
"Does anyone know where we're going?" Utena finally had to ask.
"Out on patrol," Anthy said cheerfully.
"Let's go!" Genki Girl was practically bouncing up and down in her seat.
"Oh god," Utena moaned in pain.
Author's Note: the idea of someone swiping the Batmobile and then painting it pink came from a series of comic strips over on www.shoujoai.com's captioned pictures forums called 'Yuri Girl.' They're very entertaining...
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