Chapter 05: Ronald Stilzchen and the Chemist's Daughter
At the backyard of the Brick Mansion, FBI agent Patrick Spoon, accompanied by Shania's maid, Dorothy, walks down and counts the number of Doberman Pinchers that are inside the cages.
"...seventeen, eighteen, nineteen..." He stops. He looks and sees a vacant cage with the number 20 under it.
"Number 20 is missing," noted Spoon.
"For some reason," said Dorothy, "Gene likes to call him Huckleberry."
Shania comes out from the backyard patio and approaches the two.
"Have any of my dogs have Humpty Hump's nose?" asked Shania.
"No ma'am," Spoon replied. "We've sifted through their feces and combed over the entire estate. Still no nose."
"Can we go now Miss Biggs? We have to look for Old Wolfe Ears and girl in a red riding hood."
Before she could say anything, Shania's cell phone rings. She answers it and starts yakking away. As she yells at her employees, Spoon quietly sneaks away.
At the street in the front of the gated mansion, a cleanup crew is busy sweeping whatever debris was left since the battle against Becky Wolfe and Red Little. Dish oversees the operation when suddenly he notices a woman, obviously not part of the force sweep up all the clear crystalline glass shards into a plastic Ziploc bag.
"You there!" Dish yelled.
The woman looks up. Her hair is black, straight, and long, and she is dressed in a dark suit. She might pass off as Greek, Chinese, or as a mixture of both.
"I never seen you around," said Dish.
"She's with me," said a voice.
Dish turns and sees his supervisor, the middle-aged Daniel Fork, walking towards him.
"Assistant Director Fork!"
"Agent Dish," acknowledged Fork. He turns to the mysterious woman. "I apologize for that."
The woman says nothing.
"This is a friend of mine," said Fork. "Her name is Darryl Güse."
Dish resists snickering at the seemingly ridiculous name.
"Miss Güse, this is Jonathan Dish."
Dish and Güse shake hands.
"Charmed," she said. Her accent suggests that she is from some European country. "I am done now, Mister Fork."
Fork nods to her goodbye. Güse walks away while carrying off plastic bag full of white crystalline glass shards. Dish keeps an eye on her.
"So how's your father doing?" Fork asked.
"Good," replied Dish.
"And your wife?"
Dish continued his conversation as he watches Güse board a dark Lexus sedan chauffeured by a woman wearing officer-like hat over her shaved head. He could not recognize her face as she went into the drivers seat. He could also inside two more unidentified women, one who is prim and proper, and another who seems to be on drugs.
Before he knew it, the dark Lexus sedan drives away.
A black Ford Taurus FBI sedan rolls down the steep incline and crashes into the river. Becky Wolfe stands on top of the incline and brushes the dust off her hands at her success on getting rid of the evidence and evading the FBI.
"That should do it," she says.
However, Red Little is still saddened at the loss of her precious glass slipper.
"Hey, cheer up!" said Becky.
Tears start to roll down Red's cute face.
Concerned about her lover, Becky takes off her black pleather jacket and pulls up her dark green tank top, thus exposing her breasts at Red.
Meanwhile, a small boat of fisherman passes by on the river where Becky dumped the car.
"Come on," said Becky. "Start groping, sucking, or whatever."
Red does not look up. Becky covers her breasts. She then drops her dark-gray baggy pants and her panties and starts waving her pelvis at Red's general direction.
"Come on," said Becky. "Start humping me with yours."
Red does nothing. Becky bends over and spanks her butt before her lover. Still nothing.
So Becky takes off all her clothes and dances around Red.
"Hey!" cried Becky. "I'm doing the happy-naked-tribade dance!"
Red does not look up or anything. Becky stops dancing.
"How about if I buy you Britney Spears' latest album?" Becky dully said.
Red looks up. Her eyes widen and she starts to crack a smile.
"Really?" she said as she wiped her tears off.
Red smiles and immediately hugs the naked Becky, while the fisherman in the river stare.
Then Becky and Red stare into each other's eyes.
"I know it's gone, but I promise to find out who you are and where you came from," said Becky. "I'm pretty sure that there is a mate to that glass slipper."
"Thank you very much, Grandma," said Red.
"I guess after what happened, I don't deserve to be called otherwise."
So Becky puts her clothes back on. She and Red pick up their belongings, which include the Shinseiki katana and Red's basket of guns and hallucinogenic cannabis, and head straight to the location of a cabin scribbled on a napkin Becky is holding.
Red's T-shirt of the day reads: I'm an angel, and I fuck you, bitch!
"One of these days you gotta tell me where you get your t-shirts," Becky said.
After a couple of hours of walking, they arrive at the presence of a two-story cabin situated by the river and far from any metropolitan area. Outside of the cabin is a garage holding a boat and an old jeep.
Becky and Red break into the posh cabin. It is dusty inside and it looks as if it hadn't been occupied for a while.
"What is this place, Grandma?" inquired Red.
"It's a vacation cabin of my employer," Becky replied. "I hope."
Their doubts come to rest when their tired legs compel them to shack in. Becky and Red deposit their weapons on the kitchen table. For some strange reason, it had only three chairs--a large one with a beer helmet on the post, and mid-sized one with mascara stains on it, and a not-quite-small one with a stain on the edge that dares not to be mentioned.
"I'm gonna put our stuff upstairs," said Becky. "See if there's any food here."
"Okay!" acknowledge Red.
As Becky heads upstairs, Red checks the fridge and finds only soda. Oddly enough, there are three kinds--Sunkist, Diet Pepsi, and Budweiser. Red checks the pantry and finds only three cereal boxes--Crispix, Special K, and Fruit Loops[i]. All three boxes are half-empty and expired.
Becky takes her pack and Red's backpack upstairs and discovers four doorways. One leads to the bathroom, and the rest leads to three different bedrooms. Becky goes to the first one on her left. Inside the room there are model statues of comic book heroes, Robotech figures, and a Robotech wallscroll overlooking a bed with Voltron bed sheets[ii].
"Ugh," said Becky. "Not here."
So Becky goes the second room. In it are a bunch of stuffed animals, Beanie Babies[iii], and an array of boy band posters plastered over the walls and ceiling.
"This one's worse," said Becky. "It deserves to be burned."
Finally Becky goes into the third room. It is quite large. Inside there is a king-sized bed in beautiful hand-carved bed frame. There are also a deer, a moose, and a sloth trophy head just above the dresser drawers and a gun safe at the corner of the room.
"That's more like it."
Becky then throws all the belongings on the bed and then heads back down to the kitchen where Red is cooking Crispix, Special K, and Fruit Loops on a frying pan.
"I'm surprised you didn't fire any weapons," Becky said to Red. "If you need some bullets though, there is a gun safe we can break into upstairs."
Becky raids the fridge and takes a swig of Sunkist.
"Eww," she said. "Nasty."
Becky throws out the can and the six-pack of Sunkist out into the yard. She then takes a swig from a can of Diet Pepsi.
"Pepsi? What the fuck?"
Becky throws out the can and the six-pack of Diet Pepsi out into the yard. Then she takes a swig from a can of Budweiser.
"Budweiser? You gotta be kidding me?"
This time, however, Becky drinks all the cans of beer in one sitting. When she finishes her last can, Red suddenly ignites the cereal on the frying pan.
"Waaaah!" cried Red.
"What is it?" asked Becky.
"I burnt the cereal!"
"Maybe this is a good omen."
Without any food, the armed Becky and a crimson-cloaked Red set out for food on foot, for they have no means of automotive transportation. They ended up in a general store of a small backwoods town where it had an old fashioned diner maintained by an old fashioned married couple. There they had a small breakfast, which includes cornbread of course. Fortunately, the old married couple was amused by Red's innocent cuteness and random dirty sayings that they allowed Becky and Red to eat for free. But eventually they will have to pay them back.
After buying groceries, which were discounted by the old couple, Becky and Red spot a small record store. Inside, Red picks up Britney Spears' latest album, while Becky had to flip through CD after CD for any semblance of punk or goth rock in the Pop/Rock section. Becky believes that Pop and Rock are two separate music genres and it is sacrilegious to lump them together. Regardless of her opinions on the music industry, Becky loves Red, and she will not rub it into her face that she hates Britney Spears and her corporate manufacturers. So Becky reluctantly buys Red the blasted CD, and the two start off home.
It is sundown when Becky and Red made it home. Immediately, Red puts on the Britney Spears CD and turns the volume up all the way. She then proceeds to make cornbread and dinner while Becky stuffs gummy bears in her ears as she meditates loudly Gene Duo Biggs-style outside in the backyard.
Red then runs into a problem. She takes out the cornbread mix out of the microwave and it is on fire. She then puts the pan with the flaming cornbread mix and puts it on the table. The tablecloth catches on fire. Red tries to put the fire with vinegar oil and the flames shoot up to the ceiling.
Red hears the timer ring. Red opens the oven and takes out the flaming casserole and puts it on the flaming table. Then for a good ten seconds, she stares at the flames.
Calmly, Red goes outside and taps on Becky's shoulder. Becky takes out the gummy bears out of her ears and turns around.
"Something's wrong with the food," said Red. "It is too hot to eat."
After giving the gummy bears to Red, Becky rushes inside, grabs the fire extinguisher and then puts out the flames.
"Ooh, gummy bears!" cried Red. She eats the gummy bears.
Looking at the scorched kitchen, Becky decides that she should cook. Outdoors.
Of course, that did not go well either. Besides the improper use of the Shinseiki katana to open canned goods and charcoal, she also set the grill fire as well as the nearby trees.
"I guess we'll let the trees burn, huh?" Becky said to Red as the two sat on the picnic table watching the trees burn.
On that night, they ate gummy bears and pretzels for dinner. Yuck.
There is a suspicious Doberman Pincher prowling around the streets of Nashville. For some reason, it scares off all the other stray dogs, especially those in heat. It had been stopping behind the back of every restaurant receiving bountiful and amiable scrap foods from scared chefs. It was if this dog was the mafia.
Rumors start to spread about this strange guard dog. It is often seen in the warehouse district where strange German, Turkish, and Arabic men have been gathering. It is said that this dog have been known to tear ten men up all by itself, and is even believed to lick the flesh clean off their bones.
The proof of this is the rubber prosthetic nose it constantly carries. It is as if the nose contained the soul of a has-been rapper who is as good as dead.
But the rapper isn't really dead. Just faded into obscurity like many one-hit wonders. Of course, many have sold their souls just for that one month of fame.
Yesterday night, Becky and Red had hot wild sex that was marred by fatigue and stomach regurgitation.
After puking the last of the gummy bears, Becky declares that they should find a cook--or a job--whichever comes first.
"I'm going to meet someone," Becky said as she dresses up in her usual gothic attire. "Stay and don't set the house on fire."
"Okay Grandma!" acknowledged Red.
"Well, you can set the other two bedrooms on fire if you want, but..."
And Becky left it like that.
Becky took a bus to the nearest city. She winds up in the predominately black neighborhood and enters a Soul Food bar. She quietly ignores the stares from the patrons and sits by a small table by the corner. Almost immediately, a large black woman, dressed in a beautiful African attire approaches. Becky shoots up to her feet and hugs her.
"Guten tag Venus Gottmutter," Becky greeted.
"Guten tag," replied Gottmutter.
Venus Gottmutter sits across Becky on the small table. Gottmutter is both half-Rwandan and half-German, and speaks perfect German and English. Relatives and her father's syndicate brought her into Germany just before the genocide. Despite retiring to America at the age of 40, she is still the Godmother of the underworld and contract killings.
Immediately, a cute black waitress serves a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses for Becky and Gottmutter.
"How are you doing Old Wolfe Ears?" asked Gottmutter.
"You know I don't like being called that," said the wolf-eared Becky. "I'm 21. Besides, I get enough crap from my girlfriend."
"Word travels fast, huh?"
"Well, they don't call Gottmutter for nothing. So how have you been doing since the last job?"
"I went on a weird-ass journey. I gave a fat old cracker a heart attack, chopped her up, and did her fake granddaughter. Then I ran into a cult where they screw farm animals and a giraffe--which I highly doubt; the giraffe I mean; killed Red's best friend, got stoned, and somehow ate all the sheep and a big black man. Then Red and I ended up at a bar where they served Ginger Ale made out of urine. Oh, and I met up with the Three Biggs. Unfortunately, we blew two of their houses, and barely escaped with our lives from Shania's place."
"That doesn't seem as weird as the time when you got stuck with the Three Blind Meese in the tub in the Atlantic."
"How else did I get you to see them backstage?"
The two laugh.
"That's so rich!" chortled Gottmutter. "So anyway, I assume you came here for your payment."
"And I can assume that you have a job for me."
"Way ahead of you Becky."
Thus, Gottmutter explains the details:
"About a couple months ago, a Saudi prince and mob boss named Shadazz came to America in order cash in the whole Viagra craze through the pharmaceutical black market. So this Pakistani chemist went around proclaiming that he taught his daughter, Mira, how to make the most potent sexual enhancement drug available. Thus, he willingly relinquished his daughter for a huge sum to Shadazz. It turns out, however, that the Pakistani chemist was a con artist and never had a daughter."
"Then why didn't Shadazz sell her off or kill her or something?" asked Becky.
"That's the thing. Apparently, Mira had a little bit of skill in making the drug, but it was not enough. There are rumors circling around that she has been secretly been taught by a German scientist who does not want his identity revealed. Mira rewards him by giving him certain 'favors'."
"Do you know who this guy is?"
"No we don't. Neither does our client. But we at least know that he is a former Nazi scientist who went under many names. Your job is to find this man and eliminate him."
"What about the Pakistani girl?"
"It is up to you."
"I hate it when you say that," Becky said as she scratches her wolf ears. "One more thing Gottmutter."
"Could you um, send us some guns, bullets, and rocket launchers for my girlfriend?"
"And a new kitchen table."
"And a laptop computer. Preferably an Apple Powerbook. With a firewire card."
The list goes on and on.
"Okay!" said Becky. "Seriously Miss Gottmutter. I have one more question."
"What is it Wolfe-Ears?"
"Do you know where I can find a glass slipper?"
"You could find those anywhere," she replied. "You can even have them custom made."
"I'm looking for a certain kind," said Becky.
Becky is silent.
"Nevermind. I don't even know where to begin looking for a certain glass slipper."
Later that day, Becky makes it home to the hidden two-story cabin by the river. As she approaches the building, she discovers bountiful and useful gifts on the front yard.
"Grandma! Grandma!" cried Red. "Look what the nice men left us!"
Becky sees that Gottmutter's connections left them with heavy artillery, guns, ninja outfits, ninja gear, a new table, an Apple G3 Powerbook (with a Firewire card), a digital camcorder, two Nokia cell phones, one million dollars in cash, and a new car! The car is a sweet indigo blue and decked out four-door Civic Si complete with GPS navigation.
Becky, with Red tagging along, immediately uses the blue Civic Si for the stakeout on the shady warehouse district. She focuses her binoculars on warehouse A89. Nine well dressed Arabs who have Russian pistols and submachine guns tucked under their jackets are guarding it. Then suddenly, a line of tired workers files out of the warehouse. Pulling up the rear is the Arab mob boss and prince Shadazz who is talking to Mira, the Pakistani girl.
"She is hot," Becky commented.
"Who is?" asked Red. "Is she on fire?"
"No she isn't." Becky points at the businessman for Red. "See that man?"
"That's Shadazz. He is supposed to be a Saudi Prince, but not the rich kind."
Shadazz lovingly waves goodbye to Mira as she drives off in her olive green Dodge Stratus. As Mira pulls up to the main road, Becky puts down the binoculars and starts her Civic.
"Now that we know where she works," said Becky.
Becky discreetly follows Mira to a low-end apartment complex. After she enters her room on the second floor, Becky parks her Civic a couple blocks down.
"Stay here," said Becky, "and don't do anything stupid."
"But I want to help too, Grandma!" cried Red.
"This is a job I have to do on my own."
Red gives Becky the puppy dog eyes.
"All right," said Becky. "I guess I could use a scout and a shooter."
"But since you're somewhat new to the business, you must remember Becky Wolfe's Three Cardinal Rules of Assassin Mercenary Methodology."
"What's the first rule?"
"The first rule is to kill only those who pose a definite threat to your life."
"The second rule is to always try to be relaxed."
"And the third?"
"The third rule is..." (dramatic pause) "...Scat is gross."
Then silence. Red raises an eyebrow.
"Well," said Becky, "I'm thinking of adding a fourth rule that makes watersports gross or banned."
"Kill only those who pose a definite threat to your life, always try to be relaxed, and scat is gross," repeats Red. "I think I got it. Does this mean I'm a full-fledged assassin-mercenary Grandma?"
"If you know how to conserve bullets," winked Becky. "Now let's get to work!"
So Becky and Red fly out of their Civic and dash straight towards the second floor apartment adjacent to Mira's. They break in. After leaving their gear on the table, Becky raids the fridge, while Red turns on the TV to Cartoon Network. The Powerpuff Girls is on.
"What were we doing again?" asked Red.
Meanwhile, three dark Mercedes sedans pull up across from Mira's apartments. Coming out of the three sedans are nine young well-dressed men and three old men in suits. The young men stand by their sedans while the three old men in identical white masks group together and head over to Mira's apartment.
"Becky!" cried Red, who spots the three old men through the window.
Becky finishes a beer can and heads over to the window. Becky doesn't recognize anything particular about the men except that they are relatively short. They disappear when they enter Mira's apartment. Becky and Red get off the windowsill puts their ears on the wall shared by the two adjacent apartments.
"Shit, I can't hear anything," complained Becky. "Stupid foreign accents!"
The inside of Mira's apartment is classic, but relatively clean. Certainly a woman has been living there.
The three old men in the white masks move as a unit and sits down on the couch while Mira serves them tea.
"That will not be necessary," said one of the white masks. It seems to be coming from the one in the center.
Mira sits down on the chair across from them. She hands an envelope of cash to the 1st white mask.
"Where's the rest?"
"He's not here today," replied Mira. "He's with one of my former co-workers."
"Tsk, tsk. We tried to make it easy on you, but a deal is a deal. We want that child now."
"I don't know where he is!"
"This isn't helping, Miss Mira. You know that we'll take better care of him than that Shadazz fool."
"He does not know. You have all the time to pick the child up from me."
"You have until tomorrow. As punishment for your insubordination..."
One of the white masks takes off his shoe, and then his sock. He puts his old crusty foot on the table before Mira.
"Lick it," he said.
Mira gets off her chair half-willingly.
Mira bends over ready to suck the big toe with a rotten toenail.
At the other side of the wall, Becky and Red can hear sucking noises.
"What are they doing, Grandma?"
"Hmm, it doesn't sound like cock-sucking..."
Becky raises her eyebrow. Then she makes a face.
"What is it?"
"People with foot fungus shouldn't have a foot fetish."
At that point, Becky considered adding that rule in her cardinal rules of Assassin Mercenary Methodology.
The gross fungal-toe sucking and the licking of fallen arches continued for about thirty minutes. By that time, Becky had finished all the beer in the fridge, and Red had just finished watching an episode of Sex in the City.
"I don't get that show," said Red.
Becky quietly unsheathes her Shinseiki.
"Neither do I," said Becky. "None of the women are making out with each other after the many guys they dated."
The three white masks finally leaves Mira's apartment. Red unloads her assault rifle and puts in a cartridge. She puts her back near the door ready burst out and fire.
"They're about to leave," said Red.
"Okay. Cover me while I bust through the door and aim for those three men that might be the target."
Then they hear crying. It is Mira.
Red peeks outside of the window and sees the three old men in white masks filing to their respective Mercedes sedans.
"Grandma!" said Red. "They're about to drive off!"
"Damnit!" said Becky. "It would be easier if she and the old men were the target."
"So we're not going after them now?"
They hear footsteps. The door opens to reveal the tenants of the apartment Becky and Red broke into. They look like men, yet they aren't. And right, now, they look surprised.
"Don't shoot!" cried Becky.
Red looks at her, and then at the two butch women. She drops her M16 assault rifle, and quickly does two high-kicks to the heads of the two tenants.
Becky is a little surprised at Red's potential--and her choice of actions.
"Er, at least you didn't kill them," noted Becky.
So Becky and Red drag the unconscious bodies of the butch lesbians into their bedroom. They find bondage gear. Becky and Red takes off their clothes, put the bondage gear on them, gag them, and then tie them together inside the closet. They did not tie them too tight because they want them to have chance to get out.
The butch lesbians regain consciousness. They start shouting through their ball gags at Becky.
"Uh, sorry we broke into your apartment," said Becky. "We're just doing our business. Oh, and I drank all your beer, so here's something to compensate you."
Becky takes out her billfold and puts all her cash on the bed.
The gagged and bounded lesbians yell at her more.
They motion their heads towards something. Becky looks around and sees a double-ended vibrator on the bookshelf.
"You mean this?" Becky points.
One of the lesbians nods. The other one starts kicking her.
Becky throws the vibrator into the closet.
"Enjoy yourselves!" Becky smiles.
She closes the closet, and then leaves the apartment along with Red.
Becky and Red retreat to the blue Civic where they wolf down on Pixy Stix, SweeTarts, and beer.
"How come you didn't want to kill them?" Red asked.
"The white masks?" said Becky. "I don't know. I have this problem with damsels in distress."
"What's the problem?"
"It's just that... oh nevermind. We should go over to Mira's apartment and get information on with this child they are talking about is and who the fuck are those three old men in white masks who have a foot fetish."
"Are we going to do it now?"
"Sure... but let me take a nap for a while... I'm too drunk."
And so, Becky takes a nap. Likewise, Red (after finishing the last of Miller beer) takes a nap after her. However, it is a long nap--more precisely a 12-hour nap.
It is now nine in the morning, Mira comes out of her apartment ready for work. She notices a blue tripped-out import four-door small sedan. She walks over and takes a peek inside. She sees on the driver side the handsome Wolfe-ears sleeping noisily yet soundly. Mira smiles, and then leaves.
One hour later, Red wakes up. She shakes Becky, who immediately jolts.
"Huh, what? What time is it?"
"It's ten o'clock," replied Red.
"Oh, shit! She left for work already!"
Becky starts the Honda Civic and immediately drives off to the warehouse district.
They arrive to see smoke coming out of warehouse A89. Something is going on.
"Suit up," said Becky.
Becky comes out of the car dressed in a heavy black pleather trench coat. Red comes dressed in her crimson riding hood and two submachine guns in her hands.
The sounds of gunshots increase as they run towards the entrance of the warehouse. They can hear screaming and chaos.
The main doors burst open. Becky unsheathes her katana and Red cocks her guns. Suddenly, a crowd of amiable female workers flees from the warehouse. For some reason, all of them aren't wearing any pants or underpants.
Becky raises an eyebrow and snickers. She and Red ignore them and head down the alleyway between warehouse A89 and A90. A side door bursts open. Becky and Red get ready to strike, but instead of goons, a line of young boys fleeing from the warehouse. Like the amiable female workers, these boys, who are also work in the warehouse, are not wearing any pants or underwear.
Becky raises an eyebrow, which then twitches.
"Let's go in!"
Becky and Red burst into the warehouse. Inside there is an assembly line from pills to bottles. Across the floor, Shadazz's goons are firing at an invisible target with their Russian assault rifles.
What is going on? Thought Becky.
Shots are fired at Becky and Red. They quickly dodge them and hide behind some oil barrels.
"Cover me!" cried Becky. "I'm going to look for Mira!"
"Okay!" cried Red.
Becky leaps out of hiding and heads towards the forklifts. Meanwhile, Red leaps out just as the oil barrels explode. She comes face to face with ten goons hiding behind the tables. She keeps them busy with her submachine guns.
Becky kills a gunner from afar with a throwing knife. She kills five more in the same fashion. As she approaches the office, a large Arab wielding a large scimitar crashes through the door and commences to duel against her.
Red runs out of bullets from her submachine guns, and the ten goons start close in on her. She drops her guns, and procures two handguns from her crimson riding hood. Red starts dashing left and right and begins mow down five of her targets with deadly accuracy. She takes the sixth on by surprise by jumping right on his body and pumping him with one shot to the head and one to the heart. Then she turns and shoots the seventh behind her also on the head and the heart.
As Becky duels with scimitar Arab, two other Arab gunmen hails her with bullets from a far. Becky dodges the swing of the scimitar by leaping over the table containing the trays of Viagra imitation pills. She uses her two final throwing knives to take out the shooters. The scimitar Arab crashes through the table and Becky jumps to avoid him. She searches her coat for another throwing knife.
"Damn! I'm out!"
The scimitar Arab comes charging and screaming at her.
Red finishes off her eighth goon with the last shot in her pistol. She turns around to see the ninth with his assault rifle pointing right next to her heart. He fires. The gun clicks. No bullets come out.
Red pulls the Russian assault rifle out of his hands and starts pounding his face with it. He falls backwards, and now she starts pounding the center of his chest with the barrel of the gun. Soon enough, he coughs up blood and his life.
At the other end, Becky grows weary of dealing with a low-class swordsman.
"I think it's time for my secret Wolf technique."
She jumps back and gets ready for her move. Becky then looks over to see Red, and then a tenth rifleman goon ready to shoot her.
Becky throws her sword straight towards Red. Red steps back as the sword flies past her and hits the tenth goon in the heart.
The large scimitar Arab swings his sword, and Becky catches the blade with her palms inches above her face. She struggles to hold on until she hears barking.
A black Doberman pincher leaps out of nowhere and bites the Arab's arm. The large Arab man lets go of his scimitar, and Becky is now out of danger. Then the dog runs and bites the Arab in the crotch hard. The man immediately wells up in tears as his crotch starts to bleed profusely. The Doberman pincher rips whatever was on the Arab man's crotch. The man falls back clutching his groin in intense pain and whimpering like a little boy. The dog then drops what looks like bloody entrails.
"Hey thanks, dog," said Becky, "but ripping a man's manhood off his manhood doesn't seem, well, kosher. Ah, I don't know what I'm talkin' about."
"Grandma, over here! I found her!"
Becky and the Doberman pincher join Red in the office where they find Mira hiding under the desk. Mira looks up and recognizes her savior.
The dog barks. Mira trembles and immediately throws to it a strange fleshy object. The dog immediately picks it up.
"What a cute doggie!" said Red. She heads over to pet the Doberman pincher.
"What is your name?" Mira asked.
"Becky. Becky Wolfe."
Becky helps Mira out of the desk.
"What has happened here? Did the Germans or the Turks attack this place?"
"The funny thing is, we were attacked by that dog over there."
Mira points to the dog Red is groping.
"One of the guards took that fake nose away from that dog. Then the dog got mad and attacked us. It killed at least two guards before you got here."
"The average dog in the world has four nipples," blurted Red.
"That's... nice," said Becky.
"She seems to be quite fixated on that prosthetic nose," said Mira.
"A prosthetic nose..."
Something prickles Becky's mind. She is reminded of an old rap song done in the year 1990. The lyrics probably went:
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin...
That's all she could remember.
"Are you here to rescue me?" asked Mira.
"Not really, but I'm after the guy or guys you were with last night," Becky replied.
"You have to help me, Miss Wolfe! The old man in the white mask is after my child!"
"So you do have a child."
After petting the Doberman pincher, Red looks around and sees a small tray of pink candy-like pills. She takes one. Mira catches her in the act.
"No! Don't take that!" she screamed.
Too late. The dense Red ingests another pill.
"Why?" asked Becky. "Is it for men only?"
"It's not that! That's the latest female sexual enhancement drug I developed. It's basically ecstasy extreme!"
Red begins to calm down. Then she starts to massage her breasts.
"When is it effective?" asked Becky.
"Almost immediately!" replied Mira.
"Grandma," started Red, "I'm feeling horny."
With Red moving on her, Becky quickly pops two pills in her mouth.
"What are you doing?" cried Mira.
"The second rule of the Assassin-Mercenary Methodology," said Becky. "Now let's get it on!"
Red squeals, and then leaps into Becky's arms. They proceed to make out and undress on the spot, leaving Mira totally speechless.
Becky and Red had sex for about three hours, longer than Mira had expected. They had done every oral, anal, and tribadism position possible, as if they acted the entire Kama Sutra for lesbians. Most of the time, however, Becky and Red are in a position where their lips, breasts, and vaginas meet. Sometimes, they alternate on being on the top and being on the bottom. Mira and the female Doberman pincher spent the entire time watching and giving the loving couple strange looks as a confused dog would.
Mira knows that what she is watching is wrong. It is forbidden by both her religion (Islam) and Pakistani culture, yet she cannot avert her eyes from this hypnotic lesbian dance. She is getting hot. She feels left out. She sees the ecstasy extreme drug on the tray next her, and is tempted to take a couple of the pills so she can join in.
Unfortunately for her, Becky and Red are done. Their sensual exhales becomes less sensual.
"Oh, shit," said Becky. "I need Pixy Stix."
"Me too," said Red.
So far, the police (or the FBI) did not arrive at the scene. Becky and Red quickly load up the trunk of their Civic with a crate of ecstasy extreme (or Double-E) as well as a crate of imitation Viagra as insurance. They drive off with Mira and the Doberman pincher riding in the backseat.
"I can't believe your riding off with non-FDA approved drugs," said Mira.
"Hey, I steal from those who do illegal things," said Becky.
"Should that be one of the cardinal rules?" asked Red.
"Nah, it's just a habit of mine."
"Why is the dog riding with us?" asked Mira.
"Snagglepuss[iv] needs a good home!" answered Red.
"That's her name."
"I don't like that name," said Becky. "How about Huckleberry?"
"But I like Snagglepuss."
"You guys are naming her after a Hanna-Barbera character who seems to have a homosexual tendency or a delinquent southerner" stated Mira.
"Huckleberry Hound[v] is gay?" questioned Becky.
"How about Lindenberg instead?"
"It's from a novel I read back in medical school--before I dropped out."
"Snagglepuss!" cried Red.
"All right, all right," said Becky. "How about we just name her Huckleberry-Lindenberg-Snagglepuss--or HLS."
"Bark!" said the dog.
"Hey, she likes the name," said Red.
"The name's too long," added Mira.
"From now on, you shall be called HLS!" announced Becky.
"Bark!" said HLS.
As per Mira's directions, Becky drives over to the southeast end of Nashville where Mira's child is staying with a friend.
"I got a question, Mira," asked Becky.
"What is it?"
"Why are the pants and panties missing from the female workers?"
"Shadazz has a thing."
"Oh. And the boys?"
"Kinda like the drug lab scene in New Jack City, except the workers are bottomless instead of topless. Weird."
"Why does Mister Shadazz likes to see little boys' penises?" Red innocently asks. "Does he miss being a boy?"
"Ummm," mumbled Mira and Becky.
They are now driving down a run-down neighborhood. The sun sets. Red turns her head around and notices something amiss.
Becky finally stops the car in front of the house Mira said her child was staying at.
"Mira stay here," said Becky. "HLS, you guard her."
"Arf!" barked HLS.
Becky and Red step out of the Civic fully armed. Surrounding them are three familiar dark Mercedes sedans. As the sedans pull to a stop, nine young armed German men in suits come out along with the three old men in the white masks.
"Guten abend," said one of the white masks. "Fancy seeing Old Wolfe-Ears protecting kind Mira Rama."
"I'm 21, baka-German geezers," growled Becky, "and for Goddesses' sake, which one of you is talking to me?"
"So this is where the son of Shadazz is staying at?"
"Son of Shadazz? What are you talking about?"
"We will use Shadazz's illegitimate son as leverage against Saudi royalty."
"Then that means..."
Suddenly, the street becomes even more crowded with a fleet of BMW sedans surrounding the Germans and Becky's group. Coming out from the sedans are tough-looking Arab mobsters with their AK-47 assault rifles aimed at everyone else. The suave bearded Prince Shadazz comes out from one of the BMWs and steps towards Becky and the three old masked men.
"What a coincidence," said Shadazz. "I never expected to run into the legendary Assassin-Saint and an old Nazi war criminal."
"Shadazz!" cried one of the white masks.
Becky turns around to see three Arab mobsters pulling Mira out of the Civic while keeping HLS at bay.
"Is the child in that house?" demanded Shadazz.
"No, wait, please!" cried Mira.
"Search that house!"
Four more Arab mobsters burst into the house in front of where Becky parked the Civic Si. Becky, Red, Mira, and the others can hear the screams of a woman. Soon enough, two of the four Arab mobsters drag a familiar black woman out of the house.
"Let me go you bastards!" she screamed.
Becky narrows her eyes. It is Jean Owen Biggs.
Jean breaks free from her captors and runs over to beat Becky on the breasts.
"Why? Why? Why? Why?" screamed Jean. "You're always screwing up my life! Now I live in the fucking ghetto!"
"You always live in the ghetto," said Becky.
"You sure do love to play with Grandma's breasts," Red noted.
"You shut-up too!"
The Arab mobsters come out of Jean's new house to report, in Arabic, that the child is not there.
"Where is the child Mira?" demanded Shadazz.
"I'll never tell!"
"What could you possibly want with that child?" asked one of the white masks.
"The truth is, I don't want that child," said Shadazz. "I rather see its existence erased or else my family will renounce my title!"
"What title? You're just the son of the cousin of the son of the cousin of the 11th Saudi Prince."
"Silence! Mira, tell me where the child is or your friends will die!"
Mira lips are sealed. She is torn between the life of her saviors and her baby.
"What are we going to do Grandma?" asked Red.
"Plan H," said Becky.
"Plan H?" asked Mira, Red, and Jean.
Becky opens the rear door of the Civic and wrings HLS's prosthetic nose "toy" out of her mouth. She then throws it over to Shadazz.
Shadazz's men jump and aim their guns at the flying fake nose. Shadazz catches with both hands and looks at it quizzically.
"Get him, HLS!" screamed Becky.
HLS growls and shoots from the Civic and towards the confused Shadazz. She then bites Shadazz on the crotch, which then starts to bleed profusely. Shadazz immediately screams like a little boy.
Shots ring out from the Arab mobster's guns. The Germans take this opportunity to take cover and fire back at the Arabs. As Shadazz starts to curse constantly in Arabic from the intense pain from his bleeding crotch, Becky and Red takes the opportunity to leap over the Civic and kill off Mira's captors.
"This way!" screamed Becky.
"Not my house!" cried Jean.
"Come on Jean-chan!" cried Red.
While HLS single-handedly takes on the Arab mafia, Becky, Red, Jean, and Mira escape into Jean's house, which is now under fire.
As they run down the hallway, they can hear the thuds of grenades hitting the floor.
"Grenades!" yelled Becky.
Becky and the others escape through the back just as the house explodes.
"My house!" cried Jean. "Not again!"
Becky and the others leap over to the yard of the next house and then break into the garage. There, they hotwire a vintage pumpkin orange Cadillac convertible and escape with it.
As they drive down the street, they look behind to see they are being pursued by two of Shadazz's BMWs.
"They're after us!" yelled Mira.
"My house..." laments Jean, "my house..."
"Red-chan!" yelled Becky.
"I'm on it!" acknowledged Red.
Red, who is riding on the back seat, stands up and unwraps her crimson riding hood off her body, thereby exposing her amusing t-shirt (I'm an angel, and I fuck you, bitch!) and releasing an insane number of grenades from her person. All of the grenades fall off her body and out of the car. The two BMWs attempt to swerve to avoid them, but instead they explode upon hitting the grenades.
"Yes!" cried Red.
Out of nowhere, another BMW slams into the rear of Becky's acquired Cadillac. Red is thrown off the car and lands on the hood of the BMW. She can see inside an angry Shadazz on the passenger seat, his stoic driver, and a gunner in the back seat. The Arab gunner opens up his window and starts firing his submachine gun at the pumpkin orange Cadillac.
Mira and Jean duck to avoid the bullets while Becky swerves to dodge them. Red holds on to the BMW as it repeatedly bumps back of the Cadillac.
On the last bump, Red is thrown off the hood and lands on top of the roof of the BMW.
"Forget about her!" Shadazz yelled to the gunner. Thus, the gunner ignores Red and resumes firing at the Cadillac.
"Red-chan!" yelled Becky. She unsheathes her Shinseiki and tosses towards Red. Red catches the sword and plunges it on the roof of the BMW so she can hold on.
Suddenly, a dark Mercedes sedan comes out of nowhere and bumps the side of the Shadazz's BMW. Shadazz looks and sees two young Germans riding in the front of the Mercedes and the old man in the white mask riding in the rear. The German in the passenger front rolls down his window and points a shotgun at Shadazz's driver. He shoots. Shadazz's driver is shot dead. The BMW swerves off the street and crashes into a building.
Shadazz crawls out of the BMW. He is wounded from the stray shotgun shells and from the bite to the crotch. He now wears a makeshift diaper to stop the intense bleeding.
Red leaps down from the roof of the car and walks over to Shadazz, ready to kill him with Becky's sword.
"Damn you Ronald Stilzchen!" he cried.
Red hesitates. Then a second later, she plunges the sword into his person.
Meanwhile, the Germans' Mercedes resume bumping into Becky's Cadillac, trying to get it to crash. As they drove, the two cars approach an overpass and a ditch. The Mercedes bumps the rear side of the Cadillac, causing it to spin and crash past the overpass barrier and down into the ditch.
Because of the safety of seatbelts, Becky, Jean, and Mira survived the crash. However, the car is flipped over and they are trapped.
"Damn. Guys, are you okay?" Becky asked.
"No thanks to you!" growled Jean.
"I'm okay," replied Mira.
Then suddenly, two Germans open the door and pull Mira out from under the Cadillac.
Becky can hear her screams as she struggled to break free from her seatbelt.
"Hey!" cried Jean. "What about me?"
Becky climbs out of the car and sees Mira being hauled off by two young German men. Though wounded, Becky runs after them up the inclined ditch walls. The Germans notice her and let go of Mira. They run back down to fight against Becky. However, they cannot best her martial arts skills as she thoroughly kicks their asses after punching them in the face, stomach, and groin.
Becky hears a gun click. She turns and sees the old man in the white mask pointing a gun to Mira's head.
"Don't you move," he said.
"I don't know who the hell you are," said Becky, "and I don't give a flying fuck. Now let her go."
Becky follows Mira and the white mask back up the overpass where the Mercedes sedan stood waiting.
"In that case, let's play a little game," said the white mask. "If you can guess my name in three tries, I might let her live."
"If she dies, you won't know where her son is."
"I have other ways of finding him."
"Shit. I guess I'll have to play your stupid little game."
"Okay. Your name is... Frankenfurter?"
"That's a fast food restaurant you Yankee!"
"Does that mean I still have two more guesses?"
"Nine more guesses?"
"His name is Ronald Stilzchen!" yelled a familiar distant voice.
"Gee thanks," said Becky. "In that case you're Ronald Stilzchen!"
The old man in the white mask stands silent. He looks over to see Red running towards Becky while carrying the Shinseiki.
"That devil told you!" yelled Ronald.
"Grandma, watch out!" screamed Red.
Behind Becky is a young German ready to stab Becky in the back with a combat knife. Red immediately throws the Shinseiki into his body. Becky turns around to see the knife in the German's hand. Ronald pulls the gun away from Mira's head and starts firing at Becky. Becky dodges the bullet and hides behind the young German's back. As Ronald pumps his dying (and now dead) underling with bullets, Becky, grips the handle of the Shinseiki and drives it along with the body towards Mira and Ronald. Mira screams as she makes contact with the body. However, she is not stabbed by Becky's sword. Becky pulls the sword out of the body just in time so she can strike Ronald.
Ronald lets go of Mira and runs away. Mira collapses under the weight of the German corpse.
"Mira!" cried Becky.
"I'll be fine," she said.
As Mira rolls the German corpse off her body, Becky chases after Ronald Stilzchen down a dark alleyway of the inner city. Suddenly, Ronald trips. He gets up and sees that his foot is stuck on a pothole.
"Ronald Stilzchen!" screamed Becky. "Your ass is mine!"
Ronald starts to panic. He struggles to wring his foot free as Becky readies her Howling Moon Slash. Ronald jumps. He sprains his ankle. Becky does her move and slices Stilzchen in two.
When it was over, Ronald's leg and parts of his pelvis dangled from the pothole.
With the job done, Becky joins up with Mira and Red at the overpass by the ditch.
"Grandma!" waved Red.
"I hope I killed the right guy," said Becky.
"The man you just killed was the one who taught me how to make the sexual enhancement drugs," stated Mira.
"I think we'd better go back to the scene just to double check."
Becky, Red, and Mira start to board Stilzchen's BMW.
"What about Miss Jean?" said Mira.
"Who?" said Becky. "Oh, I almost forgot!"
Jean is still alive underneath the flipped orange Cadillac convertible--unfortunately.
"Damn that Becky!" she cried. "Why won't she leave me alone?"
So Becky rescues Jean from the wreckage right before it explodes. They get in the BMW and drive back to the scene in front of Jean's demolished house. Becky and Red inspect the bodies of dead German and Arab mobsters lying about, while Jean falls to her knees lamenting her loss of her new house.
"By Goddess," said Becky.
"It looks this old man in the white mask is dead too," said Red.
"Died of crotch bleeding I suppose."
Red nods. Each and every one of the men is dead because of an attack on their crotches.
Becky turns and sees HLS sitting next to the remaining old man in the white mask (who is dead). She is panting and wagging her tail happily.
"You did all this?" Becky asked HLS as she pets her.
"Arf!" said HLS.
Suddenly, they hear police sirens.
"Miss Wolfe!" yelled Mira.
Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS jump into Civic Si and drive out of the scene.
"Where's your baby staying at?" Becky asked Mira.
"Just down the street," she replied.
"So it's not 1879 W. Miller Ave?"
"It's 1897 W. Miller Ave. My friend lives in a apartment, not in a house."
Becky drives the car into a low-rent apartment complex. She and Red stand outside the vehicle as Mira goes in to see her child.
"So what is your problem with damsels in distress?" Red asked Becky.
"Oh, you know... I'm a sucker for attractive girls. You're not mad at me for that, are you?"
"No, Grandma. I think it is nice for you do such things."
Becky smiles. Red is too innocent to be jealous.
Mira returns to the two while wiping her tears.
"You're not taking your child back?" asked Becky.
"I wish I could," wept Mira, "but now my life will be in constant danger because of the people I was involved with. How can ever I tell him about the grievous mistakes in my life?"
"I guess that's something we can't fix. I'll take you home now."
"I know it's not safe, but my job's done. I could get Gottmutter to send you some protection."
"How can I ever repay you, Miss Wolfe?"
"Can you cook cornbread?" she asked.
"Of course. It's the first thing I learned when I immigrated here."
Becky puts on a wide smile. Suddenly she wraps her arms around Mira and gives her a big kiss on the lips.
"Oh my Goddess, we're saved!" cried Becky. "Red-chan, give Mira a kiss!"
Red gives Mira a kiss.
"Not there!" laughed Becky.
"Oh! Sorry Miss Mira!" Red said.
Mira is completely flustered and aroused by Red's kiss. It took a while for her to realize that her pants and underpants are down. It was the first time she was kissed by a girl on the lips and then by another one on the clitoris.
i - These are American cereals of the Kellog's Corporation. Crispix consists of octagon cereal bits with wheat on one side and rice on the other. Fruit Loops consists of these fruit-flavored rings that tastes nothing like fruit, yet it tastes strangely familiar to Kellog's Apple Jacks; and it had a toucan mascot (Toucan Sam) who does not sound British and whose rainbow nose suggests something about his sexuality. I never ate Special K. Supposedly it is marketed towards women, and I saw a commercial where the 'K' morphed to and from women's legs. I wonder how many men (and women) got off that.
ii - Ah, Robotech and Voltron--two classic anime released Americanized in the U.S.A.
iii - Beanie Babies are basically miniature stuffed animals stuffed with plastic pellets (beans) instead of regular stuffing.
iv - Snagglepuss is supposed to be pink lion or something in the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons in the 1960s and 1970s. If he's a male lion, where is his fucking mane?
v - Mira thought Becky was suggesting the name from Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn for the dog they found. Becky's Huckleberry (Hound) is an anthropomorphic blue dog with a southern (or was it Texan) accent. He seemed pretty gay if you ask me.