Chapter 4: The Three Biggs
Head FBI agents Jonathan Dish and Patrick Spoon find themselves in a weirder scene than ever before.
When they arrived inside Greta's Ginger Ale House, the bar and restaurant is littered with the bodies of nameless thugs who wielded various firearms.
Inside the kitchen they find the chopped-up remains of Jeremy Wiss.
Then Dish and Spoon go into the Gimp Gallery and sees the hanging male gimps.
"How's it hangin'?" Spoon waved to them.
The hanging gimps screamed through their gagged mouths.
So Dish and Spoon set all the gimps free in the Ginger Ale House and had them march out in a line. They did not remove all the bondage gear for fear of infection. That is why they called in the HAZMAT medical team.
They walk past the Watersports Lounge. Dish and Spoon cover their noses because it smells nasty.
They enter the brewery where other agents are combing scene for anything suspicious.
"Why does it smell here?" Dish asked.
"Besides the Gimp Gallery and Watersport Lounge, this place also made ginger ale out of urine."
"Why would they do that?"
"Beats me."
Dish and Spoon then walk around the brewery and approach a taped-off tool shed. Not far from them sleeps a fat brown big surrounded by a tape barrier and a marker.
"So what did you find here?" inquired Dish.
"The stains that were found in Jackie Caps and Beau Pilkington's houses have also been found here in a pink sleeping bag," replied Spoon.
Dish turns his head to the house overlooking a field growing hallucinogenic cannabis.
"And what about that house?"
"The owners of that house it turns out were business partners with Wiss and Lich. The body of the woman we found over there is that of Violet Little, who was suspected of extortion, drug trafficking, and drug manufacturing. The farms our men are combing over are growing potent hallucinogenic cannabis, which she would sell in order to pay her debt to Wiss.
"Violet died of a gunshot wound by her husband, Blue Little, who then turned the gun on himself. Apparently, they had an adopted daughter, who is missing as of this moment. That daughter was the same girl identified next to Bo Peep's, I mean Beau Pilkington's place."
Dish and Spoon suddenly hears a commotion from the front. They look over to see a group of FBI agents trying to calm down Green Soybean.
"I'm telling you AOL CDs are made out of people," screamed Green, "people!"
"Who is that man?" asked Dish.
The fat brown pig wakes up, walks over and urinates on Dish's leg.
"Oink," said the pig.
"Damn," said the Dish.
Becky and Red arrive at Nashville in their pumpkin-orange 70's Mustang. Well, not exactly the familiar part of Nashville, but rather a faraway part where the inner city and the suburbs meet.
"Red," said Becky as she drove. "Turn on the radio."
"Okay."
Red turns on the analog dials of the car radio. Hanson's latest single turns up.
"Another station," said Becky. "I'm so tired of that song that I want drive corkscrews into my ear."
Red tunes the dial again. Britney Spears' latest single turns up.
"Oh, my favorite song!" squealed Red.
"Fine, leave it there," sighs Becky. She made sure to put the name of the radio station and its owner, the Beane-Stark Media Corporation, on the list of entities that piss her off.
At the end of the somewhat annoying song, Becky and Red park within the vicinity of the Straw House. Well, it's not exactly a house made of straw. Apparently, the quaint little modern one-story house is situated underneath a huge tree that shed straw-like branches every fall. The reason it is called the Straw House is because the owner apparently does not clean the roof and yard from the "straws."
"Whose place is this Grandma?" Red asked as she and Becky got out of the car.
"This is where my old college roommate, Jean Owen Biggs, lives," replied Becky.
Becky buzzes the buzzing doorbell after she and Red arrive on the porch.
Jean Owen Biggs, a shapely and pretty young black woman with permed brown hair, hears the buzz from her doorbell as she peels a special hair removal tape off her chin inside her bathroom.
"Stupid hairs," she grumbled. "Growing on my chinny-chin-chin."
The frequency of the buzzing increases.
"All right, I'm coming!"
Jean heads over to peer through the peephole on the door.
"Oh shit!" she screamed.
"Jean?" said Becky. "Is that you?"
Jean starts to walk away quietly to the 900Mhz cordless phone.
"I know you're in there," Becky continued. "Let us in!"
"No way!" screamed Jean.
"Aw come on. I'll blow you."
Jean reaches for the phone. "I'm not a lesbian!"
"Female homosexuals prefer to be called tribades. We don't want to offend the people of Lesbos, you know."
"Go away!"
"Please?" Becky begged.
"I'm gonna call the cops!"
Jean pretends to dial hoping that Becky and Red would go away. She walks back to the door and looks through the peephole. They are gone. She then breathes a sigh of relief.
"Man, it's nice to get out of these dirty panties once in a while," said a voice from behind.
Jean jumps and turns to see Becky in the kitchen raiding the fridge. Becky is without pants and without panties.
"How the hell did you get in?" demanded Jean.
"Back door was unlocked," replied Becky. "And you really should clean the roof and yard from all that straw. It kinda makes this house look ghetto."
Jean is about to blow her top off.
"Say Jean, do you have any whiskey or maybe some cornbread?" asked Becky.
"Do you think I'm some kind of southern hick? And put your pants back on this instant!"
"Grandma!" Red cried as she enters the kitchen wearing a t-shirt that reads I'm an Angel--I blow things up. She too is pants-less and panty-less.
"I left the guns and my picnic basket in laundry room," Red continued. "Is that okay?"
"Sure," said Becky.
"Who the hell is this girl?" Jean demanded. "And why is she not wearing panties either?"
"She's my girlfriend, Red Little. Say hi Red."
"Hi Red!" greeted Red.
Jean attempts to push Becky out, but she could not.
"Get out," she growled.
"You haven't changed, haven't you," said Becky.
Realizing that she is groping her former roommate, a blushing Jean lets go and turns away from her.
"I'm not a lesbian," said Jean.
"Tribade," Becky corrected.
"Whatever."
"You're just in denial."
"No I'm not!"
Becky walks over and puts her arm over Jean's shoulders.
"Come on Jean," pleaded Becky. "We're best friends right? Can't let us stay here for a while?"
Jean's heart beats rapidly and rapidly. She cannot deny her attraction to Becky and thus completely gives in to her demands.
"Okay," said Jean. "But just for tonight--and one night only!"
"All right!" Becky yelled. "Drinks are on Jean!"
"Yippie!" yelled Red.
"What the hell did I just say?" Jean asked herself.
Becky and Red spent the entire day pants-less and panty-less drinking away with Jean--who was drinking to ease her neurosis. Red offered to cook that night, but the method is quite unorthodox.
To open the can of spaghetti sauce, Red used a Berretta pistol. The sounds of the gunshots scare the shit out Jean, who is sorting out her taxes.
"What are you doing?" yelled Jean.
"Opening these cans," Red innocently replied.
"With a 9mm?"
For dinner, they had spaghetti and a salad. As Jean ate, she bites on something hard and spits it out.
"My mouth!" she cried.
"Something wrong with my cooking?" asked Red.
"There are shotgun shells in the salad!" exclaims Jean.
Becky and Red look at the salad. Indeed there are spent bullet shells in there.
"Baka Red-chan," said Becky. "You can't make a salad with a 12-guage shotgun."
"I'm sorry," apologizes Red.
"Well, we can't let this food go to waste."
Becky digs in.
"What? Aren't you mad or something?" cried Jean.
"What do you mean?" said Becky. "The food has a nice gunpowdery taste."
"You're girlfriend is a gun-totting idiot!"
"Your food's getting cold."
"Are you listening to me?"
"Jean, you should relax."
"How can I relax with you coming in and screwing up my life? Isn't your first rule that you don't like people that are trying to kill you or who really piss you off? Well, I'm trying to really piss you off!"
"Jean, I can never hate you. And besides, I only kill those who pose a definite threat to my life. That is Becky's 1st rule in assassin-mercenary methodology."
When they went to bed Becky and Red's late night sex romp kept Jean up all night. The most disturbing part is that Red kept on yelling "Grandma" as she and Becky climaxed over and over...
On the next day, a drowsy Jean drives for miles to work at Best Buy in her Nissan Maxima. She works at the electronics department selling DVD players while trying to con buyers into buying extended (store) warranties that they don't really need. Ever since she started working there, she's been eyeing a keen Sony laptop that has an integrated digital camera on it.
"Just a couple warranty sales and it will be mine," the neurotic Jean tells herself as she drives home from her day at work.
From afar, she sees smoke rising from her neighborhood. Jean speeds up her Maxima and arrives to see that her Straw House is blown up.
"What the hell happened?" she gasped.
Becky and Red arise from the rubble of the Straw House. They are a little scorched, but they seem perfectly fine.
"This is why you shouldn't cook chicken with a rocket launcher," said Becky as she brushes the ash out of her wolf ears.
"I'm sorry," said Red.
"Oh, Jean's here."
"Hi Jean!"
"My house," growls Jean.
"Sorry about that," Becky said.
Jean floors the accelerator and drives away from the scene.
She then drives into a mature neighborhood and arrives House of Sticks. Well, the one story house really isn't made of sticks. Rather, the house is so named because there are sticks of various types and sizes planted on the lawn and hanging from the roof.
"Gene and her weird hobbies," mumbled Jean as she gets out of her Maxima and heads over to the door of the House of Sticks.
She rings the doorbell. Instead of a bell, there is a sound of crashing waves that sound like a toilet flushing. Answering the door is a very laid back and often dazed black woman with blonde hair Gene Duo Biggs, Jean's older sister and local celebrity artist.
"Oh, it's you Jean-chan," Gene calmly greeted.
"Gene, you have to let me stay," said Jean.
"You know you can always stay here Jean-chan."
Jean enters the house and closes the door. Inside, she sees that the living room is filled with wicker couches and other new age and nature material.
"Would you stop calling me Jean-chan?" said Jean.
"But you are my little sis, Jean-chan," said Gene.
"Why do I even bother?"
They hear the doorbell.
"Why does the doorbell sound like a flushing toilet?" said an innocent voice from behind the door.
"That's Gene for you," said a gruff female voice.
"Ooh, Becky-chan is here!" cried Gene.
"No!" cried Jean. "Don't answer it!"
"Why?"
"She's gonna blow up your house!"
"She is?"
"She already blew mine up!"
"Did you like it?"
"What?"
"When she blew you."
"Are you stoned?"
"It's hemp and incense."
"Gene," Becky cried as she pushes the crashing waves/flushing toilet doorbell. "Let me in. I'll blow you."
"Oh!" said Gene. "Don't mind if I do."
"No!" Jean cried again.
She stops Gene before she reaches the door.
"I'm telling you for the last time," started Jean. "DO--NOT--LET--HER--IN!"
"They're gone," Gene dully said.
Jean looks through the peephole. Becky and Red are gone.
"They're gone," said Jean. "They're gone."
She then checks the windows to see if they're not hiding. She starts smiling.
"They're gone," repeats Jean.
"That's too bad," said Gene.
"Thank God."
Jean starts to relax on the wicker couch.
"My house," she laments. "My house has blown up. And I just paid the insurance off."
Jean turns around. Gene is gone.
"Gene? Where are you?"
Suddenly Becky and Red appear from the hallway without pants or panties.
"Hey Jean," said Becky.
"Hi Jean," greeted Red.
"What the?" screamed Jean. "How'd you get in here?"
"Gene let us in through the back," answered Becky.
"What?"
"This is so great," said Gene who follows into the living room after Becky and Red. "This will be like last time!"
"Gene, how could you?" cried Jean as she jumps off her couch. She discovers that her older sister is without pants and panties.
"What the? Where are your panties?"
"In the laundry," said Gene.
Agents Dish and Spoon finally arrive at Nashville in their black government-issued Ford Taurus sedan (Dish is driving). Well, not the familiar part, but the part where the inner city meets the suburbs.
"What a day," said Spoon. "I just want to go back to the hotel and relax."
"Me too."
"Hey, maybe we should stop by a bar."
"We just passed one."
"No, not that one."
"How about that one?"
"Not that one either."
"This street is littered with bars. Which one are you looking for in particular?"
"Well..."
"Hey look at that!"
Dish and Spoon see a plume of black smoke coming from a neighborhood. They decide to drive by and take a quick look. It is the ruins of the Straw House surrounded by police, firefighters, and gawkers.
"What happened here?" asked Spoon. "It looks like a rocket launcher hit that thing."
"We'll let them handle it," said Dish.
They drive away.
"Hey what about that bar?" Spoon points.
Dish looks. He quickly sees an upside-down equilateral striped rainbow triangle.
"That's a gay bar," replied Dish.
"Um, never mind," blushed Spoon.
The two remained silent for the remainder of the ride.
At the House of Sticks, the pants-less and panty-less Becky, Red, and Gene party on with beer and incense, while the covered Jean sulks on the whicker couch and tries to ignore the three by staring at exquisitely framed picture of a black woman's pinky going up a white woman's nostril hanging on the wall. Jean shakes her head and then turns her attention to a banner art of a white woman bending over to sniff a black woman's butt, while the black woman bends over to sniff a white woman's butt, etc. Jean thought that was disturbing, so she turns her attention to a series of portraits. One is a painting of a heavily face-veiled but naked obese man titled "Fat Prophet Muhammad." Another is a painting of an a bearded Chinese man holding the Ten Commandments titled "Transvestite Chinese Moses." Another is a painting of bald white male in straitjacket meditating peacefully on wheelchair titled "Deranged Crippled Buddha." Another is a painting of a Blue Man from the Blue Man group with only one arm holding a six-shooter titled "One Armed Vishnu." The last, and probably the most controversial, was a self-portrait of Gene in a flowing robe with a halo surrounding her head titled "Black Female Jesus." Is Gene planning to create politically correct superhero team like the Justice League or the Power Rangers? Or is she trying to anger all the followers of the world's major religions so much so that they will suffer collective and religious aneurisms?
Jean hears a gunshot. She jumps and takes cover on Gene's Native American rug.
"That's one way to open up a bottle of Pace salsa," noted Gene.
Gene, Becky, and Red stare at a mess of broken glass and splattered salsa made with a Jericho 941 pistol.
"Really baka Red-chan," lectured Becky. "You really have to work on conserving your bullets."
"Is that why you use a sword?" asked Gene.
"I use a sword so I don't have to waste my money on bullets. It's a personal preference really."
Red puts on the kitchen counter a can of refried beans and aims her gun at it.
"Wait, I'll take care of this," said Becky.
Becky takes out he Shinseiki and raises it high in the air and yells, "Secret technique Howling Moon Slash!"
Becky slices the can--and the water faucet. Water explodes from the sink.
"Sorry about the Gene."
"It's cool," smiled Gene.
For dinner, they eat homemade tacos, fajitas, and Mexican salad. Jean stares at her bowl of salad and counts about ten spent bullet shells. She looks up and sees the other three eating their food gleefully while spitting out the bullet shells like watermelon seeds onto a bowl.
Later, they start playing a game of Pictionary. Jean is dead last on the board while Red is pulling way ahead of the others. It is Red's turn and she finally starts drawing her picture.
"It's a nasty ink blot," said Becky.
"It's a moth," said Jean.
"It's the representation of a young girl's virginity betrayed by a prince of a faraway land," started Gene, "who in turn had promised her to be a princess, but was betrayed by a jealous queen, who, as it later turned out, did not fall for the prince, but for the princess, thus involving an entire Kingdom in the greatest political scandal in the world."
Jean stares at her sister.
"What the hell was that?" asked Jean.
"My response," answered Gene.
"So what is it Red-chan?" Becky asked.
"It's a lily!" Red announced.
"Um, yeah, I was gonna something close to that."
"I was inspired by your pussy, Grandma."
"That did not sound right."
"I can't believe this!" cried Jean. "What is wrong with you three? You are an idiotic gun-totting red-head cracker, you're a destructive wolf-eared goth-mercenary-assassin from the Mediterranean, and my sister is nothing but a hemp-smoking artist!"
"Here," said Gene as she offers Jean Red's special hallucinogenic cannabis, "have some of this.
"I'm not a drug user, remember?"
"You're in denial."
"Why does everyone say that?"
"Say, Becky-chan. How did your Second Rule go?"
"My second rule?" said Becky. "Oh yeah! My Second Rule is 'Always try to be relaxed'."
"Yeah Jean-chan. You should try relaxing more."
"How can I relax with you weirdoes ruining my life?" cried Jean.
"What do you mean?" asked Becky.
"Remember the time at college where you blew up the university dorms at San Antonio?"
"Yeah, I had to fight off the Colombian drug cartel who had invaded the city."
"That's not the point! I lost my thesis and years worth of my professor's anthropological data at that incident!"
"But wasn't it you who set the dorms on fire because your boyfriend cheated on you and you initial planned to burn his dorm room but ended taking out the entire building? And after that you came running to me crying and then we had wild sex that night?"
"I remember that," said Gene. "I was there watching and recorded it on videotape at your request."
"That never happened!" cried Jean. "You two were probably stoned or something."
"Can't be," said Becky. "I remember things in full detail when I was stoned. We did a '69' sixty-nine times that night."
"No! That never happened!"
"Mama occasionally likes to pee in Wiss and Lich's mouth," said Red.
"Really?" said Gene.
"That's...nice to hear," said Becky.
"This can't get any worse," laments Jean.
On that night, Becky and Red sleep in Gene's guest room, while Jean sleeps with Gene in the master bedroom.
Although the sex romp between Becky and Red would keep Jean awake, Gene's master bedroom is downright creepy. It has four tiki statues on each corner, a fearsome totem pole, a black mirror, and countless dream catchers hanging from the ceiling.
Jean hits Gene just as Red screams out 'Grandma' at her orgasm with Becky.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Huh," said Gene.
"You got to do something to them."
"Okay."
Gene gets out of bed. Jean didn't realize until now that she is buck-naked.
Gene heads over to guest bedroom in order to deal with the couple. Jean pulls the sheets over her chest as she listens in on their conversation.
"Hey Gene," said Becky. "You wanna join?"
"Sure," replied Gene.
"Yay!" cried Red.
Jean hears Gene jumping on the guest bedroom bed. Becky, Red, and Gene commence their threesome at the remainder of the night. Jean lays on the bed covering her ears with the hard and crunchy buckwheat pillows.
In the next morning, a drowsy Jean walks past the guest room glaring at the girls, who are contently sleeping in each other's arms. She also notices a couple of bongs and beer bottles on the floor. It must have been a wild night.
At work in Best Buy, Jean drools before the petite Sony laptop she had always wanted. Then she lumbers back to her department and tries to push down to the buyers more useless extended warranties for DVD players.
She finally arrives home in her Nissan Maxima and discovers that Gene's house is still intact. Jean makes a smile and starts chuckling.
"Heh," she said. "Maybe the stupid jinx has worn off."
Boom! The house explodes. Jean's jaw drops in astonishment as the debris, most of which are sticks Gene had collected, falls to the ground burning.
"Aww, shit!" she yelled.
Becky and Red climb out of the rubble. They are unharmed but a little scorched.
"Baka Red-chan," started Becky. "An Uzi submachine gun is no substitute for a Phillips screwdriver."
"I'm sorry," said Red.
"Gene!" cried Jean.
A dazed Gene climbs out of the rubble. She is also unharmed, but a little scorched as well.
"What happened?" she asked.
"We tried to repair your heater," replied Becky.
"Oh," said Gene, as if she finally realized that she had a heater. "It's okay."
Jean jumps out of the car, takes Gene by the hand and puts in the passenger seat of the Nissan Maxima. Jean and her sister drive away.
"Bye you guys," waves Gene.
"Bye," waves Red.
As they drove, Jean starts to lecture at the still-dazed Gene.
"I told you they were gonna blow up your house," told Jean.
"Oh," said Gene. "Okay."
"Aren't you mad about it?"
"Should I?"
"That Becky and her lesbian friend--"
"Tribade."
"Whatever. Anyway, do you realize that not only they destroyed your house, but also destroyed artwork and your photographs?"
"I can always make new ones."
"But it took you years to make those!"
"It's okay. You know, I look at this as interesting change in my life, as if I am caterpillar becoming a butterfly--or a tadpole morphing into a frog--or a maggot becoming a fruit fly. The art I made and kept were essentially weighing me down distorted memories and lowered expectations. I realize before hand that what is really precious to me is that I still retain the experience in creating masterpieces, thus I may be able to grow and improve on my skills. I don't expect my art to last forever, nor does my house for you see..."
"We're here already."
"Huh?"
Jean stops the car in the front gate of a large brick house in a rich neighborhood. She rolls down the window and pushes on the intercom button.
Inside the Brick Mansion, Shania Fau Biggs, a rich black woman with braided black hair, paces in her business suit while screaming into her Nokia 6000 series cellular phone in her office.
"What do you mean I'm screaming at you?" she yelled. "I'm screaming at you because you didn't prevent Rapunzel signing away Goldie Goose and Harp to that damn Beane-Stark Media corporation!... What? Are you telling me that she's about to sell off The Hair?"
A fine white female maid named Dorothy appears in Shania's office.
"Madam," said Dorothy. "Your sisters are here."
"Hold on," said Shania. Then she says to Dorothy, "Oh, they are? Let them in." She gets back on the phone. "Hello?... Yes... As I was saying..."
Dorothy opens the door and allows Jean and Gene to enter the foyer of this grand Brick House.
"Whoa, this place gets bigger and bigger every time we come here," said Gene.
"We were here last weekend, remember?" Jean corrected.
"This way ladies," said Dorothy.
Dorothy leads Jean and Gene into the office and shows them to the leather guest couches. She bows to the sisters and leaves.
"Yes, of course," continued Shania. "Yes...well then tell that Rapunzel bitch to that she's nothing but a greedy cock-sucking muff-diving double crosser... you heard what I said... what?... I don't care if she fires you!... You're gonna get fired if you don't tell her what I told you what to say to her!... Don't call me back unless you give that bitch my message. Got that!"
Shania turns off her cell phone and throws it to her glass desk.
"Who are you?" she asked Jean and Gene.
"We're your..."
"I'm just kidding," said Shania. "So what brings you guys here?"
"Becky blew up our homes, Shania," said Jean.
"Actually," said Gene, "Becky liberated from the confines of conformity as defined by white suburbia, with no offense to Caucasians in general. I mean, separating ourselves with walls and walls only antagonizes us and our neighbors to the point that..."
"We need to stay at your house for a while," interrupts Jean.
Shania's cell phone rings "William Tell Overture". She answers it.
"What is it?" said Shania. "You told her?... What did she say?... That's too bad... No, you screwed big time... Which means you're fired, and I want you out of my office... Why the hell am I still talking to you? Get me Jack on the line!"
"Uh, Shania," said Jean.
"Yes?... Is this Jack?"
Jean mouths to Shania whether she and Gene could stay. Shania nods.
"Yes, get that Rapunzel bitch on the line," Shania continued. "I don't care if that's not how it says. I can say her name like that whenever I want. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Rapuznel! Tell that bitch to give up The Hair!"
"Should her name be pronounced SHA-NEE-AH?" Red inquired while Becky drove into an upscale neighborhood.
"I'm not sure," said Becky. "Sometimes it's SHA-NAI-AH. But anyway, you should get a load of her place. It's made of impenetrable bricks! That is why it's called the Brick Mansion in the Nashville tourist index."
They arrive the front gate of the Brick Mansion. The walls surrounding the house are also made of bricks and are topped off with steel railings and security cameras and sensors.
In the wet bar of the Brick Mansion, Jean finishes another shot of whiskey while Gene practices her tai chi in front of her.
"Ugh," Jean grumbles, "I sometimes wonder if I'm adopted."
"Poor Jean-chan," said Gene. "You are not alone this world. All of us, including Becky and Red-chan, are brothers and sisters to one another."
She hears a musical ring. Jean looks up and sees Dorothy answering the intercom connected to the gate intercom.
"Who is this?" asked Dorothy.
"Uh, hey, is Shania Fau Biggs around?" asked a familiar voice.
"I am sorry, but she is really busy..."
Jean jumps off the barstool and interrupts Dorothy.
"Go away Becky!" she yells into the intercom.
"Jean is that you?" asked Becky.
"It's pointless now! You can't penetrate sis's walls and security system!"
"Come on. Let me in. We're good friends right?"
"No we're not!"
"I'll blow you guys."
"Hey, is that Becky-chan?" asked Gene.
"Stay out of this!" growled Jean to Gene.
"How about this," said Becky. "I'll blow Shania, Gene, and then you."
"No!"
"Oh. I guess you don't like the order. Okay then, I'll blow you, Gene, and Shania in that order from youngest to oldest."
"What part of 'no' do you understand?"
"Okay. I guess you want to be in the middle then. I suppose Gene and Shania could toss a coin on who goes first."
"I'll go first!" said Gene as she exuberantly raises her hand.
"Shut-up!" yelled Jean. "Shut-up!"
Jean disconnects.
Becky and Red are outside looking through steel gate.
"Don't touch that," said Becky.
"Touch what?" said Red.
Red touches the gate. It gives her a little shock.
"Ow!"
"How are we gonna get inside?" Becky asked.
"No honey, I'm really busy right now," Dish speaks to his compact Motorola cellphone. "I know, I know, but I won't be back until we capture these two girls, okay? Love, you, bye."
Dish closes his phone and throws it between himself and Spoon inside their Taurus sedan. Right now, they are driving to the Nashville FBI branch office.
"Problems with you wife?" asked Spoon.
"Yeah," said Dish. "She's becoming a nuisance lately. She doesn't understand the importance of our work. Catching those two girls are crucial in protecting America."
"Hey, look at that."
Spoon points to a plume of smoke coming from a mature suburban neighborhood.
"You know what," said Dish, "I have a feeling that we'd better check this out."
Dish and Spoon arrive at the scene where police, firefighters, and gawkers surround what remains of the House of Sticks.
"This is so tragic," laments Sheriff Jones.
"What's so tragic?" asked Dish.
"Who are you guys?"
Dish and Spoon flash their badges.
"FBI," said Dish. "What has happened here?"
"This house used to be that of Gene Duo Biggs."
"The famous artist?" said Spoon.
"You know about her?" asked Dish.
"Oh yes. She's the sister of a famous media agent, Shania Fau Biggs. Of course, I hear that their family is a little eccentric."
"Are there any suspects?" Dish asked Sheriff Jones.
"Yes, of course," replied Sheriff Jones. He motions to a deputy to bring him a sketch of two familiar suspects. Jones shows Dish a more accurate drawing of the wolf-eared Becky and Red.
"Witnesses report that after they blew up the house, they got away in an orange 70's Mustang," said Jones.
"It's them all right," said Spoon.
"Spoon," said Dish, "call the Nashville office and tell them to mobilize right this minute. Those two girls should be around here somewhere."
Becky parks the car across from the gate of the Brick House, and then starts pacing by the walls back and forth trying to figure out a way in. The security cameras follow her every move, which are being monitored by Jean inside the Brick House security room.
"There's no way that she'll get in," said Jean.
"You sure are enjoying this," Gene said as she munches loudly on trail mix. "Having this security system on tells people outside that you are afraid of them. It gives an impression that we are misanthropes, and that we don't like to be bothered by..."
"Shh. Quiet."
Outside, Becky joins up with Red who is staring through the metal gate. The whole time, Red had been repeatedly touching the gate and getting a small electric jolt.
"Ow!"
"Baka Red-chan," said Becky. "If you didn't needlessly waste your bullets in cooking and home repair, we could have busted through this gate."
"I'm sorry," said Red. She touches the gate again. "Ow!"
"It's all right. If I know Shania, she probably has a couple of guard dogs lying in wait."
"Mama likes to take the puppies, shoot them with her boomstick, take their fur, and sell them to coat makers."
"That's... interesting to hear."
Suddenly they hear the bumping of car subwoofers. Becky and Red turn and see that a decked-out BMW 3-series pulling up to the house next door. The driver side window rolls down, and out comes a strange man wearing a strange hat, big sunglasses and a big unnatural nose.
"Are you cute babes here for Shania?" said the man. "You know she's really busy trying to score The Hair back."
"Gregory Jacobs?" said Becky. "AKA Shock G? AKA Humpty Hump?"
"That's my name," replied Humpty.
"You live here?
"Yeah."
"Can we go to your backyard? We need see if we can scale the wall from there."
"Why?"
Becky explains the situation to Humpty on the spot.
"So you're friends with little Shania and her sisters, huh?" said Humpty. "Okay then, you can go to my backyard."
"Yeah!" Red cries out.
"Uh, say Shock G," said Becky, "could you spare us some whiskey and cornbread if you got some?"
"Sure thing, babe," replied Humpty.
And so, Humpty Hump gave Becky whisky and cornbread, and then led her and Red to backyard of his mansion.
Becky sees that the wall between Shania's yard and Humpty's has not been secured with cameras or speared metal railings. Humpty comes out of the tool shed with a gold-plated ladder. After leaning the ladder against the wall, Becky climbs up and looks over.
Meanwhile, Humpty is eyeing the cute Red.
"So," he started. "What's your name?"
"Red Little," she innocently replied.
He looks at her t-shirt. It reads I'm an angel--I blow things up!
"Trust me," said Becky. "That t-shirt rings true about her. Anyway, if we jump and run over to the back, we might be able to avoid the dogs. Or, we could sneak by and Humpty could cover for us. I guess we'll try option 2 and run like hell if we hear the dogs. Is that okay?"
"Sure," smiled Humpty.
"Then let's do it!"
Becky and Red jump over the wall and quietly land on lawn. They tiptoe to the back while Humpty keeps watch on the wall.
Back at the security room, Jean spots the two on one of the monitors.
"Sneaking through the back, eh wolf-ears?" snickered Jean. "All right then--release the hounds!"
Silence. Jean turns around. Gene is missing.
"Gene? Dorothy?"
Meanwhile, Gene is upstairs in the office meditating loudly while Shania paces around her while yakking on her cell phone.
Jean storms in the music room where the fine and dull Dorothy quietly dusts the grand piano.
"How do I release the hounds?" Jean asked her.
"There's big red button labeled 'Release the Hounds' by the door," Dorothy dully replied.
Jean goes back into the security room and realizes that she had missed the button when she came out.
"So far so good," said Becky as she and Red tiptoe closer to the mansion.
"You go girls," Humpty quietly cheered.
Becky's wolf ears twitches. She and Red hear something. Out of nowhere, an armada of black Doberman dogs storm out and begin to chase Becky and Red.
"Oh shit!" yelled Becky.
Becky grabs Red's hand and the two run for it.
"I'll save you girls!" yelled Humpty.
Humpty jumps off the wall, but makes a great fall. A group of guard dogs run up to him and start to maul on his face and chin.
"Humpty!" cried Red.
"It's too late for him!" said Becky.
"But they got his nose!"
A guard dog quick on his toes runs off with his nose.
"So he does have a fake nose," said Becky.
Becky and Red run to the rear patio to jump on the tables and then jump on the patio roof. The dogs are below them growling and barking, and Becky looks down starts making faces at them.
"Now what do we do?" Red asked.
"The Santa Claus Trick!" said Becky.
"It's Christmas? I didn't make my list yet!"
Becky rolls her eyes.
"Oh, no you don't!" cried Jean as she starts up the gasoline fireplace. "I'll burn yo' ass before you get here Becky!'
She starts to laugh maniacally for five minutes. Nothing happens yet. She stops laughing and takes a breather.
"What is going on?" she gasped. "Why haven't they come down yet."
"Thanks Dorothy," said a familiar voice from behind.
"You're welcome Miss Wolfe," said Dorothy.
"Whiskey makes Mama fuck Papa with 12-inch dildo," said Red.
Jean turns around and sees Dorothy serving alcohol to a soot-stained Becky and Red.
"WHAT THE HELL?" screams Jean. "How'd you guys get in here?"
"Didn't you know your sister's mansion had more than one fireplace?" noted Becky.
Almost immediately, Jean bursts into tears and starts beating on Becky's breasts.
"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?" sobbed Jean. "Why won't you leave me alone?"
"You sure do love playing with my boobs," said Becky.
"I'm not a lesbian!"
"Tribade," Red corrected.
"You're in denial Miss Jean," Dorothy added.
"Not you too!" cried Jean.
All of a sudden, helicopters surround Shania's mansion. Shania hangs up her cell phone and looks outside while Gene continues meditating loudly.
"Come out with your hands up Rebecca Wolfe and Red Little!" boomed Dish from the bullhorn.
Dish, Spoon, and the entire FBI Nashville branch surround the gate and walls.
"Shit, it's the Feds," said Becky.
Jean suddenly runs outside through the front door waving her arms like mad.
"Help!" she screamed. "Help me!"
The trigger-happy agents start firing at Jean. Becky dives in to drop Jean to the ground. Then she drags her back inside the house and closes the door.
"Don't do that!" cried Becky. "You know how racist the FBI is?"
"Becky, I..." gasped Jean. She suddenly starts punching Becky's breasts.
"This is all your fault!" cries Jean. "It's all your fault!"
"Jean, this isn't the time," said Becky, who is unaffected by the punches.
"What's going on here?" screamed Shania. "There'd better have a good reason for disrupting my business deal!"
"Miss Shania Biggs," cried Red. "Your puppies got Humpty's nose!"
"Shock G? Oh my God!"
"Who cares about a has-been rapper?" cried Jean. "The FBI has surrounded the mansion!"
"Is there secret exit out of this estate?" Becky asked.
"Yes," replied Dorothy, "it's at the northwest corner."
"Thanks! Let's go Red!"
Becky grabs Red's hand, but she is anchored down.
"Grandma," said Red. "I forgot to tell you that I left my glass slipper in the Mustang!"
"The Glass Slipper?" gasps Jean, Shania, and Dorothy.
Becky remembers that the pumpkin orange 70's Ford Mustang has been parked across from the gate. Now it is surrounded by the FBI.
"We don't have time," said Becky.
"Please, Grandma," pleads Red. "It is the only clue I have on who I am and where I came from. Please, Grandma, please!"
Becky is taken in by Red's innocent puppy-dog eyes.
"Oh, okay," sighs Becky. "But if I do this, will you stop calling me Grandma?"
Red nods.
"All right," said Becky. "Shania, can I borrow your Hummer?"
"Don't you think it's strange?" started Spoon, who is positioned along with Dish by the gate.
"What is strange?" asked Dish.
"Don't you think it's strange that not only the artist Gene has her house blown up, that we find ourselves at her sister's Brick Mansion?"
"It could be just a coincidence. I mean, why would the 'Straw House' be blown up as well?"
"Maybe the Biggs had another sister?"
"Agent Dish, agent Spoon!" cried another FBI agent. "Look over there!"
Dish and Spoon look past the gate to see a tan Hummer heading their way. They can see that Red is driving while Becky is hanging off the passenger side ready to jump.
"Cover me when we crash!" yelled Becky.
"Okay!" Red acknowledges.
"They're coming this way!" cried Spoon.
Spoon, Dish, and the rest of the FBI scurry away as Red floors the accelerator pedal, thus crashing through the electrified gate and knocking a couple of black government Ford Taurus sedans out of the way. Unfortunately, this causes a domino effect that pushes Becky and Red's pumpkin-orange Mustang to its side.
Becky immediately jumps out and heads to the toppled Mustang while knocking down random FBI agents. Red covers for her with her pistol.
Becky hops onto an FBI Ford Taurus and jumps through the rear passenger side window and into the Mustang. After getting her sword, the Japanese katana named Shinseiki, and the wooden shoebox containing the glass slipper, Becky jumps back out and unleashing her secret Wolf techniques.
Suddenly, Shania's Doberman guard dogs coming running out and attacking the FBI agents. Scared, Dish and Spoon climb on one of their sedans trying to fight off the canines. Afterwards, an angry Shania storms out to the chaos followed by her faithful maid Dorothy.
"Whoa," said Spoon as he spots the Shania, "Shania looks pissed."
"Red," yelled Becky as she fought off more agents on top of the cars, "let's get out of here!"
"Okay!"
A gunshot blasts the polished wooden shoebox out of her hand. It flies open and glass slipper flies out glittering under the sun. Becky tries to catch it, but a stray bullet shatters it.
"My slipper!" cried Red.
Becky pulls Red out of the Hummer.
"I'm sorry, but we have to go!" Becky yelled.
"But we can still get the pieces!"
"It's too late! Let's go!"
Becky takes Red's hand and slashes her way to a random FBI sedan. After hijacking it, the two drive off with the heat on their tail.
"After them!" Dish yelled through his bullhorn.
Then Shania climbs onto the sedan and pulls Dish by the collar.
"What the hell are you guys doing on my street!" she screamed.
"We're here to arrest Rebecca Wolfe and her accomplice Red Little for suspicion of illegal activity and terrorism," replied Dish.
"I don't care about that! Humpty Hump fell off my wall! And he lost his nose!"
"Shock G?" said Spoon.
"I demand that you go find his nose!"
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