Mother Güse Must Die
Chapter 25 - Becky Wolfe: A Fuddled Fairy Tale, Part 1
"I see," nodded Azuma. "So the Blond Order have arrived."
"I think they mean to drive all of us out from Japan," said Lillis.
"Yes. After much persecution, our sacred homeland and our last bastion have been tainted. We of the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo must fight back."
"And how do I fit into this?" Becky asked. "Aren't you also descended from the Prime Bijin?"
"We are, but the crucial element here is that you are Red-chan's chosen one."
"How can I know for sure if I am the one?"
"You know Becky. You know."
"Becky isn't sure?" Ginger said, barging into the sitting room. "Well, I guess we could run some tests to make sure if Becky is the chosen one in this plot, but I know for a fact and Red-chan and I are the destined pair."
"But I thought I was your destined mate," Mira said, following Ginger.
"For the nth time, you don't qualify," said Becky.
"Yes I do!" Ginger cried. She turned around to put on a wig over her short hair. Now for the first time in a while Mira wasn't aroused with Ginger's look, which was a hackneyed version of a Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo.
"I already got the height and the hair!" Ginger cried, standing on top of a footstool, which turned out to be Hatsumi suffering quietly on all fours.
"You don't even have a sword," said Becky.
"I don't right now, but I got this!"
Ginger held up a letter-opener--not the knife kind, but a rectangular type with a small blade at the inside.
"A letter opener," said Azuma.
"Once I kill your daughter, this letter opener will be the baddest-assed sword in the whole world!"
"You already got twenty of those," said Becky.
"Yeah, but those are all duds compared to yours and sensei's. I mean, who in the right mind would think a toothpick would make a great sword when bathed in green spooky light."
"The idiot who keeps killing Hatsumi."
"Becky," said Azuma, "I don't need to tell you once that you need to stop your--"
"Huttah!" Ginger cried.
From the top, Ginger stabbed Hatsumi's head with the point of the oh-so-modern letter opener. The pain was sharp, but not painful enough to fell Hatsumi. In fact, Ginger could only get a cute "ow" from her. But that did not prevent Azuma-sensei from spanking Becky, and Becky in turn spanked Ginger.
"Spanking aside," said Mira, "have Miss Wolfe's training been completed?"
"It's practically done," said Azuma as she rubbed her spanking hand. "But we have run into a little snag."
"That is?"
"The ultimate technique requires two swords, one being the Tsukiseiki, and one being its equal."
"Can't I just borrow your sword sensei?" asked Becky, as she rubbed her spanking hand and spanked ass.
"Um, no. It's mine. Besides, it wouldn't be compatible with you."
"But the test was successful!"
"It wasn't. Though we were able to blow a big hole on Mount Fuji, it was only a small fraction of the power of the ultimate technique. That is why you need another Tsukiseiki so to speak."
"You got to be kidding me! I've already busted my butt getting Ariko to make me one, and I don't want some brat taking it for the sole purpose of testing me."
"Relax," said Lillis the blond. "Hazuki-chan and I come up with an alternative plan."
"More like you came up with the plan," said Azuma.
"Does it involve beating up faceless hentai dudes?" said Becky.
"No, not quite," said Lillis. "But you will have to travel to another world."
"So we're going on another interdimensional field trip?" Ginger asked.
"No hat for you!" Azuma cried.
"Let's just say you're going to multiply the Tsukiseiki with little effort, relatively speaking," Lillis said. "No hat this time."
"How so?" asked Mira.
"You all know that Tokyo is home to a number of different portals to other worlds--some of which were fortunately salvaged from the burning of the Great Library. There is one that will take you to a world where you can get the Tsukiseiki of the past."
"Woot!" Ginger cried. "Time-travel!"
"Don't get too excited," smirked Azuma. "One of our core members, Yuuko Ichihara the Dimensional Witch, has informed us that everything you will do in the past will have no chaotic effect in the present and future. In fact, you were meant to go back in time to screw things up to create the world we live in now."
"Hitsuzen it must be," said Becky. "There are no coincidences, only inevitability."
"Woot!" Ginger cried once more. "I'm allowed to mess with the past!"
"Lillis, prepare Becky and her companions for the trip to Tokyo." said Azuma.
Becky was a bit miffed when a prototype Volkswagen New Beetle was provided, but she agreed to it when it turned out to be yellow in color. It happened to be lent from Sei Satou, honorary member of The Order.
Money, food, one-night's change of clothing, and camping gear were packed in the tiny trunk, not that they needed it. It was just good courtesy on Azuma's part, for the fate of the world, as it had been unintended, hinges on Becky facing off against Darryl Güse in the ultimate tribade showdown.
"Please don't fail where I have Becky," said Azuma.
"I don't think you have sensei," said Becky. "You have a wonderful wife and daughter."
"We're so love-love!" Lillis exclaimed as she grope-hugged Azuma.
"Yeah, sure," winced Azuma. "Things haven't been going well since Lillis and I had that one-night stand at sixteen. Damn it. I was supposed to make love to Hatsumi-chan."
"What?" Becky said.
"Uh, nothing! Becky, keep your eyes at Ginger."
Becky turned around to see the wig-less Ginger whistling with her hands behind her back.
"I have to," said Becky. "Otherwise, she'll cause too much shit in the past."
"No, she has to do whatever she has to do," said Azuma. "No wait, you two just have to act naturally. You and your group's actions are crucial to the present."
"That's right!" said Ginger. "Everything I do now is crucial to the future!"
"Shut up Gingerbrat," said Becky, "and get in the backseat."
Becky, Mira, Ginger, and their dog HLS boarded the yellow bug, and waved goodbye. Since it was a manual transmission, it took a while to get into first gear. Immediately afterward, Ginger threw a metal boomerang that slashed Hatsumi's head wide open. Blood and a green glow poured from Hatsumi's being until she collapsed, and then vanished in a flash.
"Score!" Ginger yelled.
"REBECCA!" Azuma yelled.
"Floor it!" Becky cried.
Becky was the one driving, of course, and she sped off as fast as the car could carry her and her companions before Azuma could chase her using her good yet dark powers. Luckily, she crashed the vehicle in a manga café in the middle of Shibuya, and ran off before the police arrived.
"That was a close call," said Becky. "Damn it Ginger. Why do you have to do that?"
"But I wanted to empower my boomerang," said Ginger. "And it's not just any old boomerang. It's the Mad Max Collectible Edition that feral kid used in the movie."
"Great. There's no way I'm going back to Sensei unless I'm going to get a spanking."
Becky's cellphone beeped, and she didn't realize she had one. She took it out the schlong-shaped device and checked the text message she received. It simply read:
BECKY
SPANK GINGER
OR ELSE
-SENSEI
"What did it say?" Ginger asked.
The question was answered right when Becky spanked Ginger in the middle of the busy sidewalk. It was around that time that the new camera cellphones were put to full use, thus starting a revolution and controversy across the world. At the same time, HLS shagged the prime minister's shi tzu that happened to be walked by the prime minister's wife.
"Where is this portal to the past?" Mira asked once the spanking and the dog-shagging was done. "Ginger, do you know?"
"I don't know every nook and cranny of this city," said Ginger, rubbing her butt. "Besides, I just let Hinoto and the Dragons of Heaven run things around1."
"Not to worry," said Becky, lotioning her hand. "I have the map of the place in the glove compartment in the car."
Before they knew it, the yellow Volkswagen New Beetle was towed away from the ruins of the manga café.
"We're doomed," said Ginger.
"Have faith in me Ginger," said Becky. "Sensei made a backup copy she left in my pants pocket. Here it is!"
Becky pulled out a crumpled piece of paper she held before her companions' eyes. Then the wind blew it away and slammed into the face of a Japanese salaryman, who then walked into traffic, causing a massive three-car pileup. The paper flew off his bloodied face and the man ended up in a yakitori restaurant, which was mistakenly skewered along with the rest of meat. That wood skewer of delicious goodness was then eaten by a man who looked suspiciously like Freddie Mercury, who then went back to school at Cromartie High School to sing and then suddenly throw up literally inside a student named Mechazawa.
"Don't worry lezzies!" Becky cried. "I have it memorized!"
"Fucking..." Mira said.
"...doomed," said Ginger.
"Arf!" said HLS.
So began one of many montages in Mother Güse Must Die, if not the Gingerverse saga. They went into a Victorian house, the sight of the mysterious 5-hour disappearance of four children. The owner and resident, an old man who we shall call "Lewis", was knocked unconscious and had his house robbed right after he allowed Becky and her crew in for tea and crumpets.
"He was a pedophile," Ginger used as an excuse.
"Whatever," said Becky. "Just go look for the damn portal."
"This looks strange," said Mira, pointing at a strange wardrobe inside an empty room. "There's snow on the floor."
"That's it!" Ginger cried. "It's a time machine! We'll just dial in the time period and..."
"It's not a phone booth Gingerbrat," said Becky. "Hurry and get in. I don't want to take too much time in this dank place that reeks of old man smell."
So the girls and HLS went inside and became floundered with a seeming forest of fur coats made from murdered Narnian creatures. It was arousing too, so they had a quick threesome and recorded it, while HLS peed at the strange lampost right before she chomped on the crotch of the strange satyr or faun wearing a gaudy-striped scarf...
Five hours had passed. Becky, Ginger, Mira, and HLS emerged as if they took a long vacation.
"It's been a year, and I still can't believe you shagged the Ice Queen," said Ginger, who now wore a lion-skin cloak over her back.
"White Witch," said Becky. "White Witch."
"Also known as Ivanna Trump. Well, I'll have to thank you for doing so. She's become less cold and the most successful businesswoman of all of Narnia. Just think, they'll be resorts, casinos, and even a Formula One racetrack. Next, there'll be brothels."
"I feel sorry for those four children though," said Mira.
"Yeah, but I had Sis kill the lion just for eating them."
"We wasted enough time already!" Becky cried. "To the next portal!"
They followed Becky's lack of direction because they didn't care or they just didn't want to tell that she was wrong for the nth time.
"There it is!" Becky said. "Right there!"
They arrived at a more modern house, and just outside the front gate was a handsome yet timid high school student who had a gift under his arm. His finger hovered over the doorbell hesitant to push for fear of being rejected, and his throat lumped in all nervousness.
"This time for sure," he said. "I'll tell her my true feelings!"
Whack! He was struck down by a mighty blow of the gold-plated Gingerbat, and was quickly relieved of his gift of girly sweatbands and his wallet.
"Yamamoto of ______ High School," said Ginger, reading through his ID card. "Hmm..."
Becky barged through the gate and then rang on the doorbell at the front door. Answering it was a bespectacled girl who was holstering a lacrosse stick behind her.
"Hi, we're the closet inspectors," said Becky.
"Closet inspectors?" asked the girl. "They have those?"
"Yes! We're here on a call from your neighbor that there are two people--two men I mean, living in one of your closets or similar having sex when it is quiet and eating your food. If we don't inspect soon, they'll do it while you're having dinner or watching yaoi anime. It's a moral travesty I tell you!"
"Sis, that has got to be the stupidest excuse of all," said Ginger.
"All right, I confess, we got to search your house for portals."
"Are you robbers?" asked the girl.
"Look, we only need to--"
"Fuck yeah we're robbing your house!" cried Ginger.
"Oh no!" cried the girl.
"No, we're not robbing your house," said Becky. "We already did that elsewhere, but that's because the old British man was a pedophile, when he really wasn't. Oh, forget it. Mira, sedate her."
Mira fired her blowdart, and the girl collapsed and fell asleep right before Ginger groped her for her wallet.
They did not have to go far to find a suspicious portal of any kind. It was in the storage room, and inside there was mirror shining unearthly power from underneath its cover. There was also a black raven's feather on the floor.
"Jackpot!" Becky cried. "Let's go in!"
Five hours later, they emerged from the glowing enchanted mirror suffering from scratches, bruises, and sexily-torn clothes. Their eyes were bloodshot from whatever horror they had suffered, and Mira, the most religious, had ran out of prayers from all the major religions to relieve her suffering.
"There is no Allah," she said. "No God, no Yaweh, nothing! These demonic dolls!"
They were not alone. Strewn across the ground were five elegant brown suitcases made in Europe a long time ago.
"You just had to fulfill the contract with them," Becky said to Ginger. "Several of them!"
"I wasn't the one who conned them through sexy wiles," said Ginger. "I mean, who couldn't resist doll joints?"
"These things are dangerous and can drive nations mad. We got to do something with them."
The three girls had a bright idea.
"Hey," said the girl that was sedated five hours ago. "What's going on?"
Mira sedated her again with her blow dart. Afterwards, she helped Becky, Ginger, and even HLS take the five suitcases into a post office and sent them off to Seoul, South Korea.
"There," said Becky. "Now South Korea can protect themselves from the North. Now let's go find another portal!"
"Damn it Sis!" said Ginger. "Just face it! You're lost!"
"Why can't you just go back to Azuma Sensei and apologize?" Mira asked.
"Because I wasn't the one who killed Hatsumi yet again!" exclaimed Becky.
"You're just afraid that you'll get spanked again," Ginger smiled.
Without provocation, Ginger was spanked one more time in the middle of the post office.
"Anyway," said Becky upon lotioning her hand again, "I finally remember the exact name of the place."
"When did you start lotioning your hands after spanking?" Ginger asked.
"It's not too far away. As a matter of fact, it's right here!"
"You're not answering my question Sis."
"Let's go!"
"Hey!"
Ginger, Mira, and HLS chased Becky into the grounds of a Japanese shrine. There was a building at the very back that was locked, but the lock was easily broken off with one hack of the Tsukiseiki. The girls and their dog faced a square well.
"So we just jump in?" asked Mira. "It's deep, but not too deep."
"Never know unless we try," said Becky.
One-by-one, they went in.
Time passes relative to no scale in the past or in the present. But when Becky and her companions emerged, they looked as if they endured a war, but not a normal one. They looked, tired, and annoyed at what they had to face in the portal they passed through.
"That wasn't the past," said Ginger. "That was Bizarro World."
"Mecca full of nothing but bohemian slackers," mumbled Mira. "London a Shi'a stronghold. And Las Vegas is a but a giant conglomerate congregation of corporate megachurches."
"I could have sworn this was the place," said Becky. "Sensei did mention a shrine with an enchanted well."
"Damn it Sis! You should have told us that before! I thought you lived in Japan! top of that, why did we have to bring her back?"
Standing with her one palm above her chest was a head-shaved bespectacled female monk who looked like a sexy Dali Llama with cleavage.
"Grace," said the monk-girl.
"I can't help it," said Mira. "She's your Bizarro self."
"You prefer her over me?" said Ginger, pointing to Bizarro Ginger. "She's fucking celibate!"
"I did partake in carnal pleasure once before my conversion," said Bizarro Ginger. "Lesbian I might add."
"We can't do anything about it," said Becky. "We destroyed B-Ginger's world in fit of mild annoyance, so I guess we have to take her along."
"Isn't that great?" said Mira. "We can have a threesome with B-Ginger."
"I'm celibate," said B-Ginger.
"I don't wanna!" yelled Evil Ginger. "She's too much of a prude."
"You didn't kill her," said Mira.
"She can't die! Watch!"
Ginger whacked her alternate universe self many times with her Gingerbat, which now became bent into an "L". B-Ginger simply stood and meditated for Ginger's salvation while glowing ever brighter.
"Damn it," cursed Ginger. "Sis, find the right shrine or else."
As they resumed their search, B-Ginger had performed many miracles along the way, mainly restore people's virginity, however that was possible, and young children's virginity, which I would rather not dwell on how that happened. B-Ginger's messianic acts soon drew a crowd that Ginger pickpocketed before leaving her in the park.
"Finally!" Becky cried. "We're here!"
"This better be," huffed Ginger after carrying trashbags of wallets, purses, cellphones, and digital cameras. Mira and HLS also helped with carrying the loot.
"It is, and I finally remembered the name: the Higurashi shrine."
"Fine. Whatever. Whoop-dee-doo. Lady Tetrarch would really be happy."
"Greetings ladies!" said the shrine's head priest, an old and shifty man. "Are you here to come to offer your prayers? Or perhaps you can purchase our one-of-a-kind Shikon Jewel souvenir?"
"We're here to find a well that can take us to the past," said Becky.
The old man turned pale.
"You must be mistaken," said he. "There is no well like that."
"Grandpa!" yelled a schoolgirl carrying a stuffed yellow backpack. "I'm going to the past now! Tell my friends that I'm sick again."
"So there is a well," said Becky.
"Don't mind my granddaughter! She is mentally ill and has an active imagination!"
"I am so not mentally ill!" cried the schoolgirl.
"All right! Then you have genital herpes."
"Don't tell me you told that to my friends!"
"I told worse! First it was AIDS, and then it was breast cancer. Regardless, I'm trying to not tell them about your trips to the past!"
"Oh forget it! Inuyasha is going to be pissed if I don't bring him his daily regimen of pork rinds."
"It's not that he's after! Don't you understand young men these days! Kagome!"
The girl had then disappeared in the old Japanese building in the back.
"That crazy girl," grumbled the old man. "Having AIDS, herpes, and breast cancer has really affected her head. So anyway, will you be offering prayers? Donations perhaps?"
"Not today," said Becky, pushing him aside. The others followed, but Ginger lingered behind ready to bop the old priest with her L-shaped Gingerbat. Then she changed her mind and followed her friends and lovers into the building.
B-Ginger approached the shrine with her masses of followers, one sinister blonde, two goofy villains in "R" costumes, and one strange-looking cat blended with the crowd...
What transpired was a psychedelic wormhole of a blue background and white stripes. When they realized it, Becky, Mira, and HLS were standing right-side-up, whereas Ginger was ass-side-up, much to Mira's delight.
They all climbed up a vine rope to behold a purer and clean-aired version of Tokyo, Japan unencumbered by pedestrians, Las Vegas neon, and schoolgirls in sailor fuku skirts. It was a beautiful country of forests and kilometers of farmland. Even Mount Fuji was still in one piece after the poor thing was demolished one too many times in this country's near present.
"Okay gals and bitch," said Becky. "Do what Azuma-sensei says and act fresh."
"Don't you mean act natural?" said Mira.
"Something like that. Act natural."
"Demon!" yelled a villager.
"Yôkai!" yelled another.
From the trees lunged a massive snake-like creature with red scales and a skull-like head.
"I thought there won't be any tentacle monsters here," said Mira.
"This is Japan we're talkin' about!" Becky cried. "Secret Technique Howling Half-Moon Slash!"
In one slice Becky destroyed the creature, which then disintegrated in black and purple particle clumps. Apparently, she had just saved a group of peasant villagers who just happened to be in harm's way.
"Demon!" pointed a villager.
"Don't you mean yôkai?" said the other villager.
Becky and Mira readied their armaments and stood back-to-back waiting for another attack from the creature they had just killed. Nothing happened, except a rock struck Ginger's face.
Off to the side, they saw Ginger crouched and cowering due to all the rocks and sticks pelting her.
"Sis!" Ginger cried. "Mira! Help me!"
The two women and their dog ran to her aid.
"What are you doing?" asked Mira.
"We're driving off this demon!" said the balding villager.
"Aye, she is not one," spoke an elderly miko or priestess who had her bow and arrow in hand. Her left eye was covered by a black eye patch.
"Finally, some sense in this medieval country!" said Mira.
"But this girl is evil, so she must die!" The old priestess took aim.
Mira stood in the arrow's path. "She's not evil!"
"Oh yeah she is," said Becky.
"Well... Ginger is like, ridiculously evil... in a good way! And she'll behave herself, right Ginger?"
"I'll behave," Ginger said cutely.
"Squee!" Mira dropped her guns and pounced Ginger to the ground.
"I do not know what ye meant by this 'ridiculously evil in a good way', but I do not sense any hostilities...yet," said the priestess. "And dear god, what are ye two women doing?"
"You'll get used to it," said Becky.
Many things had happened at the same time when the trio of destruction and their dog arrived from the future...
In the forest, a miko priestess with long dark hair in a ponytail walked amongst a cadre of ethereal eel-like creatures carrying balls of blue fire that were souls. She had a melancholy look on her face, as if dead, but in reality she was the living dead.
A long time ago, a witch merged her remains with a clay doll, which turned into her present form. A fragment of her soul had returned to her, and now she wandered around to torment her love that had been separated her from decades.
If you saw this on television, which it might never be, there would be a scroll, written in Japanese no less, of the woman's name. Her name was Kikyo, but that wouldn't be necessary for fans of the show.
"The timelines are merging," said Kikyo. "Something is about to happen, and yet I sense a great evil."
She blushed and covered her mouth.
"Those licentious fools."
In another forest, or at a different part of the forest, a young human girl (scroll reads "Rin") rides atop of a two-headed beast (scroll reads "Ah-un"). Accompanying them was an ugly imp (scroll reads "Jaken") carrying a two-headed staff, and an exceedingly handsome and effeminate man, or rather yôkai (scroll reads "stuff that fangirls fap at", I mean "Sesshomaru") with snow-white hair possessing one arm, though his stub of a left arm was covered by his kimono-like clothes.
One of the heads on Jaken's staff moaned sexually.
"What's that sound the staff is making Jaken?" asked Rin.
"That little girl," screeched Jaken, "is something I don't know."
"It sounds like two women in pain."
"I sense a presence," said the bishounen Sesshomaru. "A beast that looks like two, but are connected at the... "
Sesshomaru stopped as he blushed.
"A beast with what milord?" asked Jaken.
"Never mind you Jaken," said Sesshomaru. "Let's continue on."
"At what? I do not mean to complain, but we've been walking in circles for weeks!"
"You fool. We have to continue on finding a way to get the Tessaiga from my half-breed half-brother of mine."
"And then what?"
"And then... shut up Jaken."
Sesshomaru ended the conversation by kicking Jaken to the nearest demon dung heap.
This time, however, we end up in the inside of a dark and creepy Japanese castle. In the main chamber sat a effeminate man (scroll reads "Naraku"), who had dark permed hair watching into a mirror held by a little girl with bluish white hair and a bluish white dress (scroll reads "Kanna"). Standing not from the two was a elfish woman with a bright kimono (scroll reads "Kagura") who fanned herself resentfully.
"So there are more visitors from Kagome's word," smiled Naraku, who sounds suspiciously like Paul Dobson or his Japanese equivalent. "Interesting. One of them posses a great power that may rival the Shikon Jewel."
"And what pray tell have you decided on?" asked Kagura after folding her fan closed.
"Both of course. I would like to acquire this strange power and make it mine."
From the mirror, he heard two women moaning, and he blushed.
"What are they doing?" he asked.
"It's what the humans call, um, kaiawase," Kagura dryly replied.
"Clam joining," said Kanna. "Clam jousting, bumping uglies, tapestry sanding, kissing of the bottom lips..."
"That's interesting Kanna."
"Cooch-on-cooch, donut-bumping..."
"That's enough Kanna."
And so, Kanna went on to describe every colloquialism of tribadism in every language: dead, living, future, and extraterrestrial.
It took some reluctant persuasion by the old priestess Kaede to convince the villagers to not crucify Mira and Ginger for the public act of lesbianism, although Becky helped a bit by hitting on the pretty village women.
They retreated into Kaede's house to be served tea by the old priestess where Becky discussed her and her party's reason for being in the Japanese feudal era (Sengoku). Kaede listened with convincing belief, although she kept on rubbing her remaining eye.
"An odd tale that is," she said. "But that doesn't really do anything to cure my current soreness. I do wish to see with my remaining eye, so please refrain from performing such acts in public again."
"It was Mira's fault," said Ginger.
"Whoever fault it is, the greater question how did ye pass over to our era if ye do not posses any spiritual powers?"
"I'm Muslim," said Mira.
"I'm awesome," said Ginger.
"I don't know really," said Becky. "The three of us are obviously strange, but we are looking for a sword. It looks kind of like this."
Becky partially unsheathed her katana, astonishing Kaede's remaining eye.
"It reminds me of his, yet it is not," said Kaede. "But I have seen this in many of the old scrolls."
"It's called the Tsukiseiki," said Becky.
"The Tsukiseiki? The demonic Full Moon Sword?"
"You've heard about it?"
"Once every full moon, yôkai from all over the world comes to suckle from its spiritual energy. In their journey, they would attack villages and against each other in an orgy of violence. Many a decade ago, I was asked to purify the sword that lay in the depths of Mount Yuri. As ye can see, I lost an eye, and my metabolism has shifted so that I could no longer burn the fat I once was. I am actually younger than I look."
"Pfft. You just got old and lazy grandma," said Ginger. "Admit it."
"Demon sword or not, I need to take it," said Becky. "Er, borrow it."
"Wouldn't taking it create a time paradox?" asked Mira.
"Relax. I'll just give it back when I'm done. I only need it to defeat Darryl Güse."
"So where is this Mount Yuri?"
Old crone Kaede gestured the girls to step outside her house so she could point at the mountain in question.
"Oh, that's what Mount Fuji used to be called," said Becky.
"That little hill?" snorted Kaede. "It's over to the right."
Becky and the girls, as well as HLS, dropped their jaws at the sight of a darker and taller mountain peak.
"That's the mountain?" Becky asked.
"No, that's Mount Hentai. It's still over to the right."
The girls looked again. Next to Mount Hentai is another mountain, darker and three times as big as Mount Fuji.
"Not that one. That's Mount Futanari."
"Then that one is..."
"That's Mount Yaoi. It's the one next to it."
Finally, the girl's collapsed at the epic magnitude fifth mountain peak Kaede pointed towards. Five times as high as Fuji, and possibly greater than that of Mount Everest, Mount Yuri is colored with a rainbow palette of evil. Perpetual dark clouds surround the skull-like mountain face, sending out instant tornadoes, hail, and brimstone every minute. Lava flowed from one side, and polluted mud from the other.
"I thought that I would never behold another evil object in the universe besides myself," said Ginger. "Mount Yuri takes the cake. Mother, I am home."
Becky and the girls rested for the night, which turned out to be the most unusual ever (despite another demon attack that they quickly dispatched). Ginger, who is usually rife with shadiness, went to sleep quietly and woke up quietly. Mira, the usual brunt of Ginger's evil, began to feel concerned, because they did not have sex again last night. She looked back the monstrously epic Mount Yuri, and wondered that if its natural emanation of pure evil affected Ginger, rendering her silent.
Regardless of Ginger's change of mood, the group had to trek up Mount Yuri to retrieve the Tsukiseiki of the past, and with the supplies donated to them from the villagers, they waved goodbye to Kaede and headed off right before a demon attacked the village.
It was either a kilometer or a mile that Mira really started to become concerned. Ginger did not step on ants like she used to, fire rubber bands at squirrels, or hurl fireworks at tanukis, or racoon dogs.
"Becky," Mira said to the wolf-eared girl, despite Ginger walking behind her. "I think there's something wrong with Ginger."
"KAGOME I'M COMING!" cried a voice.
After reaching a stop, they turned around and saw a tornado speeding down the road. They stepped aside, and Becky put out her foot to trip the tornado, which turned out to be a handsome wolf-like man dressed in furs who goes by the name of Koga, whose sinfully sexy kneecaps each contained two power-enhancing Shikon Jewel shards. The girls and their dog watched as the humanoid wolfman flew away to disappear as spiraling glint of light.
"KOGA'S FLYING OFF AGAIN!" so said the described character.
"Boss!" cried his similarly-dressed lackey with the mohawk. The lackey and another, one with a black forelock, chased after their leader and alpha male like loyal wolves do, yet tired of breath and perhaps becoming tired of Koga's antics. They took no notice of the visitors from the present, er, the future.
"As I was saying," said Mira. "Ginger's acting strangely today."
"What of it?" said Becky. "Azuma-sensei said we should act as natural as possible."
"But this isn't natural for my Ginger! She hasn't kicked HLS yet."
Becky sighed. "Hey Gingerbrat! How are you doing?"
"I am doing quite well Miss Wolfe," Ginger smiled.
"See? Ginger as cute as always."
"Well, yes," said Mira, already wet at seeing Ginger smile like a sweet girl. "But it really worries if she's not herself, although she's hotter that way."
"Sorry to disappoint you my Chemical Girlfriend," said Ginger, resuming her normal tone. "But I'm acting like this so I could cause the most minimal destruction in this era. I want to preserve this wonderful motherly mountain that we are heading into so that it will be waiting for us when we return to the present. When we do, I'll use it to construct my grand palace and rule Japan!"
"You already rule Japan in the shadows, remember?" said Becky. "Besides, who's to say that the mountain won't be destroyed between today and the present? The Russians, Chinese, or the Koreans might have destroyed it. Americans might have bombed it out in World War II. Hell, the Canadians might have been involved in its destruction. If the mountain isn't there when we started this journey, it won't be there when we get back."
"But Sis, this is mother we're talking about. She has to exist!"
"Not even mountains last forever."
"It has to! We must preserve Japan's greatest natural treasures for all to bow down upon."
"With names like Mount Yaoi or Mount Futanari, I wouldn't be surprised that the Japanese themselves destroyed them."
"Mount Yuri is the mountain we must preserve. We must not kill needlessly. We must not recklessly trample on each blade of grass. We must not de-virginize every pretty girl we lay our pussies on. I'll even be straight for the time being so that nothing will happen to our beloved mother."
"You'll be straight?" asked Mira.
"Is something wrong my dear friend? As a devout Muslim, surely you must be supportive of my decision."
"Why yes, I mean, no! I am pious, but I can't bear the thought of you bedding with a man."
"I won't do such a thing. I'll just be celibate."
It's one thing for Ginger to become straight, but to become celibate was outrageous. The Pakistani tribade grabbed Becky and shook her furiously.
"REBECCA MARYLAND WOLFE!" she yelled. "WE'VE GOT TO COMPLETE THIS MISSION AS SOON AS WE CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW!"
"Mira, this is really one of Ginger's tricks to get what she wants," said Becky.
"BECKY!"
"All right, all right! Let go of me, sheesh. Let's see here, this might be a week's trip, but in the present only an hour or so would have passed. Damn, at this rate I'll actually be a grandma when I rescue Red-chan."
"Help me!" cried a child's voice.
"Becky, it looks like someone needs help," said Mira.
"Ginger did want to do 'nothing' in the past," said Becky.
"But we have to do something! Being here means that we are meant to do something! And doing nothing means that we are affecting the past as we speak!"
"The kid's over there," pointed Ginger.
A creature looking like a little kid with a fox tail and fox feet crossed their path. A red and white ball was thrown at him. The ball opened up, and lashed out an energy "tongue" that converted him into energy. Thus, the kid-creature was now contained, and the girls drew their weapons out for the fight.
"Who's there?" Becky demanded.
"Prepare for trouble!" cried a woman's voice.
"And make it double," said a man's voice.
An effeminate man holding a rose and a woman, both in white uniforms with a large red "R" on their shirts, jumped into the scene
"To protect the world from devastation," continued woman.
"To unite all people within our nation," continued the young man.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Musashi! I mean, Jessie!
"James! I mean, Kojirô! I mean--"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight."
A strange cartoony cat creature leapt in front of the duo, presumably as part of the team. Before he could even finishing "Meowth," HLS pounced the creature, and literally began devouring the poor cat gruesomely and agonizingly in many chomps and chomps. When she finished, there was a pool of blood, and she coughed up something that looked like an old Japanese gold coin, which Ginger purposely ignored.
"Meowth!" cried Jessie.
"How dare you do such thing!" James cried. "Pokémon are not supposed to eat Pokémon!"
"Poke-a-what?" asked Mira.
"They're from Team Rocket," said Becky. "I've dealt with them before. They're nefarious for genetically engineering cute creatures big and small for the sole purpose of taking over the world. Not to worry, they've sent their worst. Let's be off."
"You can't run from a Pokémon battle!" Jessie cried.
"We're walking."
"Oh, that's it!" cried James. "Victreebel, I choose you!"
Kojirô, I mean, James threw out another ball that looked exactly like the one that captured the little fox brat in its own pocket dimension. The ball he threw opened, and out came out a scary-cute carnivorous bellflower creature with two angry eyes.
"Go Victreebel!" said James. Instead of attacking its owner's enemies, it instead gobbled James, chomping brutally and gruesomely, spilling blood all over the ground and on the utterly shocked Jessie. The creature named Victreebel swallowed into whatever pit you'd call stomach, and regurgitated James's clothes, rose stem, and his silicon breast implants he had used in that infamous beach episode.
Outnumbered, Jessie danced in her place in a panic. The broad, dismayed at the inexplicable, and not to mention the permanent loss of her comrades, threw out every red and white ball she had in her hammerspace, and none of them opened up to spit out any captured creatures, except for a blue dildo-like creature that kept on saying "Wobbuffet!" at every interval. HLS ate the strange creature promptly.
Many of the balls struck Becky and the girls, and their annoyance grew.
"All right that's it," said Becky. "I was going soft on you because you're pathetic and that your friends are dead. But you did try to kill us and--"
Suddenly, a blond woman in pseudo-samurai garb with a bass guitar strung on her back lunged in and chopped off Jesse's left arm with a ragged katana. She kicked the Team Rocket girl down an incline and into the river. Thus Jessie screamed, "Jesse's swimming solo one-handed again!"
"What the hell was that?" Mira asked.
"Shit, I can't believe she's here," said Becky. "Avril Lavigne, the Sex-String Samurai of the Blonde Order."
"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe," said Avril, "from the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo. What are the odds of running into you in the past?"
"Very likely. Sound likes you're sent here to halt my advances."
"Or just to kill you."
"You are outnumbered: me, Mira, my dog..."
"Wobblefet!" barked HLS. The female doberman, like Scooby-Doo, covered her mouth in total shock. Eating too many magical mascots was really starting to take a toll on her.
"Erm, and Ginger maybe, are going to cut you down," Becky continued.
"Maybe not," said Avril. Sheathing her katana in the handle taped to the back of her guitar, she ran away.
"Sis, we have to go after her!" Ginger cried.
"What for?" Becky asked, feeling relaxed.
"She might harm the townspeople and cause a time paradox!"
"Oh fine! Let's go girls!"
"Bobafett!" HLS barked.
The three girls and their dog ran after Avril and ended up in the middle of a random village. A sign at the entrance read: "Days until next demon attack: 42." Eventually, thy followed her into a gambling house filled with thieves and thugs surprised at their time travel villagers.
"You're trapped!" Becky cried. "Give up now!"
"Okay then," said Avril. "Oh, boys, can you give me a helping hand please."
"Whaddya want us to do?" asked a bald and buck-toothed crook.
"I need your heads... all of it!"
Avril struck him with her guitar, and proceeded to hit the all the other men in the same manner. Then at least he reached the gambling house owner with a grin.
"The exit?" she asked.
The owner pointed the direction. Avril gave him her thanks by bonking on the head with her guitar, and ran out through the back door laughing away.
"My head!" cried the bald and buck-toothed crook. He and the rest of the men groaned in agony as a cancerous growth appeared from within their heads. The growth took on colors, and then mechanical shapes. Finally growth manifested into stylish humanoid robots, many of which had television's as heads, and others that had heads growing beneath their shoulders. As for the men, their heads had exploded. They are already dead... two minutes ago.
"Becky, what is going on?" asked Mira.
"It's Avril's special ability, 'Cooly Fooly'," replied Becky. "Any head she hits with her Space Bass Guitar creates robots within their victims. It's like Kenshiro's Fist of the North Star. They are already dead when she hits them. Some say..."
"Watch out!"
Becky narrow avoided the fist of red TV-head robot, and a bite from the torso-head robot that had sharp and manly sunglasses on its eyes. She parried them with her Tsukiseiki of the future and her sword sheath.
"As I was saying," said Becky, "the Space Bass Guitar supposedly opens a portal to an alien robot factory in a distant part of the galaxy, or at least from the mind of some mech-obsessed otaku."
"Do you think this exposition is important now?" cried Mira as she kept the robots at bay with her live pistols. "Ginger is in trouble!"
"I think she has it handled."
Becky was right. Instead of running away, using random people as shields, or hiding, Ginger was holding out on her own using her bent Gingerbat. With HLS helping her, they kept themselves alive enough to rejoin the others of the team.
"There's too many," said Mira, after deflecting the lance of a star-shaped robot.
They suddenly heard a man yell "Wind Scar!", and a blast of cutting energy broke through the walls like an invisible claw, and destroyed many of the robots in the gambling hall. The rest of the robots were either decapitated by a huge boomerang, sucked into a black hole that rested in a young monk's right hand, or melted by a huge cat-fox creature that breathed fire.
Becky came face-to-face to an unusual quartet and their best. One was female ninja-like warrior in sexy black with pink shoulder pads. She was the one who caught the huge boomerang as if it was nothing.
The other was young buddhist monk that had beads wrapped around his right hand. He carried a holy shakujô staff sharpened at the charm. In addition, he was touching the bum of the female warrior with the large boomerang, and she proceeded to whack him with the said boomerang.
There was unusual white-haired person with wolf-ears on the top, something that Ginger and Mira had noticed as odd. He carried a huge sword, wore a red robe, and walked barefooted.
Besides him was large twin-tailed cat-fox creature the size of a Yugo, except that it doesn't break. Finally, there was an average Japanese schoolgirl wielding a bow. She happened to be the Kagome that Becky and her crew saw going into the well.
"I sense an evil presence from them," said the young monk, after recovering from his head wound.
"Demons," said the young man with the huge sword. "They have their scent."
"Yôkai," said the female ninja warrior. "Sheesh, when are we going to get this right?"
"Wait!" cried Kagome. "They're not demons. Well, the one in the center is evil."
Becky, Mira, and HLS shifted so that Ginger was standing obviously alone. "How can poor me be evil?"
"Who are these people Kagome?" asked the monk. "They look like people from your era."
"They're not Japanese," said Kagome, "but they're, um, gaijin."
"Gay Jen?" asked Becky. "Man that woman was a slut during my college days. Nearly seduced my roommate."
"I think she meant foreign person," said Mira.
"I know that. Can't you take a joke? But there really was a Gay Jen when I went to college."
"Who cares who they are?" said the young man with the huge sword. "Tell me why you are here? Are you related to Kagome?"
"First things first," said the monk as he slid towards Becky and the girls. "Have any of you seen our demon friend? He's this tall, has a bushy tail, and has these cute fox ears. He responds to the name of Shippo."
"Shippo huh?" Becky muttered. Around the same time, a red-and-white ball rolled up to her feet, and inside the strange kid-like fox creature was screaming at the top of his lungs. Becky pushed the sole button of the ball, thereby releasing the creature in a epilepsy-inducing flash.
"Thank goodness you're all here," Shippo said to the four strangers Becky met. Before he could run into the safety of Kagome's arms, HLS stared down at him hungrily. HLS barked, and started chasing the poor little fox-demon or yôkai until he went back into Pokéball for the sake of his life. While Kagome was dissatisfied that Shippo was forced to hide in there for the entire episode, the rest of the crew were satisfied since he was an annoyingly useless brat. HLS too was dissatisfied, since her magical meal was locked inside the ball, which she then carried around in her mouth.
"I guess we know where Shippo went," said the monk. "How about we introduce ourselves? I am Miroku, and this is--"
The monk named Miroku received a giant whack to the head by the giant boomerang wielded the female ninja. The monk had stroked a bit of Ginger's butt to receive such a punishment, and knowing this, Mira stole the giant boomerang and commenced beating Miroku some more with it.
"The owner of the giant boomerang is Sango," said Kagome, "and she's a demon hunter. Over here is Kirara, our ride, and next to me is Inuyasha, a half-demon."
"What's with the ears?" Becky asked Inuyasha.
"What about my ears?" Inuyasha retorted. "You should explain your ears! Are you a half-demon?"
"I get that a lot. The truth is, my hair just looks that way."
"Yeah right. You're a half-demon. Admit it."
"Stop badgering them Inuyasha! Sit!"
It was as if Inuyasha's upper body free-fell to the ground. Becky, Ginger, Mira, and HLS were amazed by this and applauded.
"That's amazing!" cried Becky. "Maybe I can do it too--sit!"
Before Inuyasha could stand straight, he fell to the ground again.
"That's cool!" Mira cried. "Sit!"
Inuyasha fell for the third time.
"Arf!" cried HLS.
Inuyasha fell for the fourth time, kind of like Jesus, but stupider.
"Guys, please stop!" Ginger cried. "Sure he was rude, but we shouldn't get ourselves too carried around with it."
Then suddenly, Inuyasha fell again.
"Don't say that word!" he cried.
"What?" asked Becky. "It?"
Inuyasha fell the sixth time.
"How... is... it... that... you... can... control... me?"
"I don't know how it works," said Becky. WHAM!
"I don't think me being a Muslim have anything to do with it." WHAM AGAIN!
"STOP!" pleaded a bloodied Inuyasha.
"Oh Inuyasha," said Kagome. "You can take it." SLAM!
It turned the binding spell Kagome had cast on Inuyasha in their first meeting had morphed in something stranger upon Becky and her crew's arrival. Miroku groped Ginger again, but received another whack of Hiraikotsu, Sango's giant boomerang from Sango first, then Mira who took it away from her. At the same time, Shippo wrestled at the dilemma of freeing himself from the Pokéball or risk getting eaten by HLS.
At the same time, the Sengoku era's main bad guy, Naraku, was planning something sinister.
--
1 From CLAMP's X, released in the U.S. as X/1999.