Chapter 10: Hammer and Axe
In a one of the nastiest parts of Winnipeg of province of Manitoba, Canada, there is a building that looks abandoned, yet it isn't. Inside, machines pour, churn, and turn. Purple bottles are being filled with a pink shampoo substance and capped off with an awfully phallic cap. Burly and scantily clad male workers in tight leather stuff the bottles onto crates and then load them up the truck trailers for eventual shipping.
A big black muscular man named John Henry emerges from his office with his lover, the bearded and buff Canadian Paul Bunyan after their usual sex and drug romp. They head down to the first level and enter a guarded booth. Inside, is a famished man on the floor with both his hands deep into his crotch. He is in pain, and cannot take more of the suffering inflicted on his pubic hair.
"Tell us where the glass slipper fragment is Georgie Porgie!" demanded Bunyan.
"Fuck you!" cursed Porgie as he continues to scratch his itchy groin incessantly. "Fuck you and your black lover and your damn operation!"
"You don't want to have anything happen to your friends, eh?" said Henry. "Or do you want to involve your lover Bunny Foo Foo?"
"How do you know about him?"
"Tell us where it is!" cried Bunyan.
"All right! I'll talk!"
It was quite sudden and unexpected when Spoon told Dish that he was going to take an extended break from his work and go back to his hometown in Winnipeg, Canada.
"One of my best friends has recently died," explained a forlorn Spoon.
"I'll see you later then," Dish said.
Spoon grabs his suitcase and heads out of the motel room and into the bus stop. Dish sits on the edge of his bed twiddling his thumbs in his mind. Something irks him about their separation. Dish feels that something is going to happen very soon, yet he cannot say anything to stop his partner.
"Perhaps I should take a break too," Dish said to himself.
Dark clouds ready to rain fury gather overhead as a purple Dodge Neon sedan surges northward to the Canadian border.
The driver, a fortunately sober wolf-eared Becky Wolfe, is still grumbling at that the fact that this is the only car Ginger and Red can muster up. Days ago, Becky sent Ginger and Red to the local dealership. Ginger was relied on due to her superior and "awesome" haggling skills, and Red was relied on due to her innocent cuteness of financial death. Apparently, the purple Dodge Neon is the only good car in the backwoods dealership, and that happens to be the owned the ownership of the dealer himself.
Mira is in the front passenger seat knitting a sweater. HLS tries to maintain balance in the rear middle seat, while Ginger and Red concerned themselves playing PokÈmon against each other using Game Boy Color handheld game systems via a link cable. Red is playing PokÈmon Red on her red Game Boy Color, while Ginger is using a hacked version of PokÈmon Green on her green Game Boy Color.
Although she is the smartest of the group, Ginger is becoming frustrated at the fact Red is beating the crap out of her by using a mid-level Pikachu against Ginger's high-level Mew (which she acquired through a cheating device). After losing the battle, Ginger angrily grabs both Game Boys and tosses them out of the car window.
"Sis, I want a new Game Boy!" whined Ginger.
"What am I, a freakin' breadwinner?" said Becky. "I'm not getting you anymore."
"That's not fair! Red cheated!"
"Why don't you use your 'superior and awesome' intellect to steal money from a gullible elderly couple to buy another one?"
"I already did that. And I already spent it all."
"A new PC and a 10,000 RPM SCSI hard drive."
"I'll buy you a new Gameboy," announced Mira.
"All right! Now fork over the cash, girl!"
"Um, I don't have it on me right now."
"Then what good are you? Sheesh!"
Groaning, Ginger slumps back to her seat. She folds her arms and kicks the back of Becky's seat in boredom.
"Stop that," complained Becky.
"Stop what?" asked Ginger. She continues to kick Becky's seat.
The Neon screeches to a halt on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. Becky pulls Ginger out of the car and spanks her with thirty swift slaps on the ass.
Later, Ginger sits on her side rubbing the pain off her butt while Mira watched her with arousing intent. Meanwhile, Red sits listening to her Britney Spears CD at full volume on her portable CD player.
Still pissed at Red's "cheating" on the PokÈmon games, Ginger snatches Red's CD player and throws it out the window. Mira and Becky did not protest the anti-social behavior being done on poor innocent Red mostly because they are getting tired of her humming "You Drive Me Crazy", which is sung by Britney Spears.
"I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored!" moans Ginger. "Let's play with HLS's nose toy thingy."
Upon hearing that, HLS growls and bites Ginger's already swollen ass.
"Oh fuck! My butt!" Ginger cried.
Hearing this, Mira instinctively puts her hands deep into her panties.
As the hours pass by, the dark clouds sends out wave after wave of thunder and lightning. Ginger and Red quake in their seats, for they are afraid of such natural weather phenomenon (although Ginger does not want to admit it). At the next flash of lightning, Ginger and Red spring from the their seats to grab out of each other, thus sandwiching HLS in the process. HLS yelps in pain and immediately slithers from the teenage sandwich and leaps onto the lap of Mira.
"Grandma! I'm scared of the lightning!" Red cried.
"Ginger why did you have to throw Red's headphones out of the window?" asked Becky. "You know that Britney is only thing preventing her from being scared."
"'Cause they sound like crap!" Ginger responded. "And Britney is an attention grabbing-whore!"
"I'll let that slide for now."
Becky searches through the CD-visor for a Britney Spears disc for Red to listen to and for the others to suffer to. She finds none. She turns on the radio and gets nothing but static and a Christian rock station.
Another thunder strikes. Red and Ginger hold each other tighter, while Ginger wets her pants in fear--with urine.
"Ginger, I didn't know you were afraid of thunder," said Becky.
"Of course not!" yelled Ginger.
Mira looks back at the two girls, but she did not feel an ounce of jealousy for Ginger holding to Red for dear life. In fact, Mira felt a little strange about this sight, and began to fantasize Ginger and Red having hot and unbridled teenage tribade sex. Then fantasizes started to include Mira in a threesome with the two girls. The thought of that made Mira wet again. A threesome with Ginger and Red is something she would not mind.
"Would you girls like to hold onto me until the storm dies down?" Mira asked them.
"No way!" boasted Ginger. "We have this all taken care of!"
Another lightning strikes, and it is very close to the Dodge Neon they are riding in. Red and Ginger hold each other once more.
"Um, I guess you can sit between us," said Ginger. "But don't you tell anyone about this!"
"Not a word," winked Mira.
"And you still owe me a Gameboy!"
Mira unbuckles her seatbelt and carefully crawls to the middle of the backseat where Red and Ginger create an opening. As Mira settles herself in and puts on her seatbelt, Red and Ginger immediately hold their bodies tightly against her just as another thunder booms. As the girls wail in fright, Mira discreetly smiles in guilty ecstasy as she puts her hands deep into soaking panties once more. While she's at it, Mira might as well stealth-masturbate.
Becky felt left out of the girl-bonding and the boob-smashing in the back seat. She sighs and wished that HLS knew how to drive.
Everyone completely forgets that Ginger is still peeing in her pants.
Garbed in the darkest suit he can find, Spoon discretely walks into the middle of the funeral of Georgie Porgie at an ordinary cemetery in one late afternoon. A female priest of a multi-denominational church had just read Porgie's rites. Also attending is a significant number of handsome and muscular men and their lovers. There are also some male transvestites (some of which are in their elder years) and about two transsexuals. All of them are weeping quite bitterly, and Spoon mustered his strength to hold his tears back for he does not want to be seen.
When the service finished, Spoon quietly left the cemetery and immediately got back to his car. He drove around his neighborhood reliving the nostalgic memories of his life in Winnipeg, such as his first homosexual crush at the tender age of thirteen. His father was an Anglican, while his mother was a Roman Catholic, and both did not seem to express any opinion on homosexuals ever since Spoon lived with them. Even so, he never told them, and he nearly escaped all potential parental oppression when other parents reported to Spoon's parents about his sexual behavior. Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Spoon would simply deny it based on the lack of evidence.
Right before Spoon moved to the United States for FBI training at Washington D.C. (he has dual citizenship for being born in the state of Wisconsin), he finally announced to his parents that he was bisexual, but leaning towards men. Surprisingly, they took the news quite well only because they anticipated it after all the allegations that their son is gay. They wished him luck with the government training and life in general.
Spoon's father offered this parting advice to his son:
"The United States may be a land of freedom, but you will not be free from oppression within. Be careful on what you do. Someone out there will always hate because of what you are for illogical reasons, but never forget that someone out there will always love you no matter what. Your mother and I are part of latter. I hope you find the person you want to spend the remainder of your life with."
With a smile on his face, Spoon left for the U.S. with great optimism. He made sure to suppress his homosexual tendencies at the workplace. Unfortunately, he became the target of many good-looking female agents whom he have no interest with.
He is back home now. Spoon then drives from the main streets to a secluded business area where there have been recent arrests of illegal prostitution. He parks his car next to an unassuming one-story building titled Diddle-Diddle in pink neon letters. It is a gay bar.
Entering the Diddle-Diddle gay bar brings Spoon many memories of him sneaking in because he was underage. He had snuck in when he was fifteen, but he was caught and booted out. One of his older gay friends ran a lounge show, so he begged and begged to let him in. Since then, Spoon was granted special permission to come in through the back door and the back stage whenever he pleases. He lost his virginity there at the age of sixteen when he was drunk to an older man, but Spoon wasn't too pissed about it. He had some wild and fun times there, most of which didn't involve sex of any kind. It was a place where he can be comfortable and look at men's butts without getting punched in the face. Actually, he did get punched, and that was by the jealous boyfriend of the guy Spoon was looking at.
Spoon sits down two tables away from the main stage. A show is about to start, and cross-dressed black announcer announced that the bar's main attraction, Bunny Foo Foo, is about to perform a selection from Celine Dion's latest album. All of the patrons hoot and holler with fanaticism, but Spoon simply claps politely. He expected Bunny to change his repertoire after all these years, maybe to Cher as Spoon suggested to him.
Bunny Foo Foo emerges from the opening curtains in an extravagant blue dress and in captivating makeup and dyed-brown hair. This reinforces Spoon's thinking that all Asians, whether female or cross-dressed male, are the most beautiful people in the world. Bunny is a Japanese transsexual whose real name is Baten Fudou.
After the performance, Spoon waits at the bar and orders his drink. Bunny emerges from backstage to embrace Spoon "hello" with a kiss and then sits down next to him.
"Hey Cheesy!" Bunny greeted. "It's been so long! How have you been?" Cheesy is a nickname almost everyone gave to Spoon since he was born in Wisconsin
"I'm doing fine Buns," said Spoon.
"I take it you're here because of Georgie."
Bunny falls silent. The bartender pours him a drink, which he immediately devours.
"My dear Georgie has run into some bad people recently," continued Bunny. "It's all because he found this 'fragment' from a foreigner."
"A fragment? That sounds familiar," said Spoon.
Suddenly, the Motorola cellular flip-phone vibrates like phallic vibrator in Spoon's jacket. Spoon walks over to a quieter place in the bar and answers it.
"Patrick? Where are you?" It was Dish's voice, and it made Spoon blush because he called him by his first name in quite a while.
"I'm in a... bar," replied a nervous Spoon. "So what's up?"
"I want you to meet me in the CSIS[i] building in Winnipeg. We we've received word that Becky and her gang have been spotted by the Canadian Border Patrol."
"I sort of mentioned that I'm on break."
"This is serious, Spoon."
"Can't you get the Canadian authorities to help you?"
"They are cooperating with the FBI, but we have very limited support right now."
"All right then. I will come by."
Spoon hangs up.
"Is that man your lover?" Bunny asked him.
Spoon blushes uncontrollably and hides his smirk. "Of course not!" he cried.
"I see. You have a major crush on him, don't you?"
"Have you confessed to him yet?"
"I can't do that. You see, he's a Southern Baptist, and his father, the head director, is also a Southern Baptist. Jonathan's father is staunchly against gay marriages, and I'll assume he is also homophobic."
"That doesn't mean your man of your dreams is homophobic like his dad. Look how you turned out."
"I know, but I have to make sure he won't lash out on me, tell his father, and get me fired."
"You'll never know unless you ask."
"You're right Bunny! Today will be the day! Canada is the liberal version of the U.S.A.! I'm sure this is the right place and the right time!"
"I have no clue what you meant just now, but good luck!"
Excited, Spoon kisses Bunny goodbye and then drives off over to the CSIS building. He makes it up to the assistant director's office where Dish is waiting. When Spoon came face to fact to his partner, he simply stuttered.
"Well? What is it?" Dish asked.
"L-let's get to work!" cried Spoon.
Word on the street states that there is Italian businessman that arrived in Winnipeg carrying a suspicious and lightweight silver briefcase. He was escorted by two Mafioso-looking men, who followed the businessman from Italian restaurant to Italian restaurant. He sharply criticized the cooks for its "Candianized" cooking each time he dropped by. That was enough for him to marked as a target by the culinary mafia, yet they did not take action.
It turns out an unknown group consisting of men whose shirts are about to be ripped due to their awesome pectorals assaulted him and his bodyguards, and then took his lightweight briefcase. The briefcase was lined with many layers of lavender padding that protected a small jewel box. Inside the jewel box was nothing.
Sensing that he might get assaulted by various shady groups, the businessman slipped the contents of the jewel box into the pockets of one unsuspecting waiter, who also happens to frequent the Diddle-Diddle gay bar. That waiter's name is Georgie Porgie, who had unwittingly inherited the sought-after glass slipper fragment and paid for it with his life. However, the cause of his death was somewhat unusual. He died due to massive stress. When the police found his body in the river, they find that his hands were in his crotch, and that his crotch was swollen, red, and bloody due to constant scratching.
There are rumors that the Winnipeg gay mafia now has the fragment in a seemingly abandoned factory complex under tight security.
At the start of the evening, a rusty white AMC Gremlin pulls up to the rear of two-story office building. Out comes Becky Wolfe, battle ready. Mira steps out of the passenger seat with her tranquilizer pistols armed. Red, Ginger, and HLS burst open the rear hatchback and spill out. Red is dressed in her usual crimson hood and a t-shirt that reads "I'm an angel, and I piss blood in your mouth!" Ginger has her laptop bag slung under her shoulder and is dressed in a shirt that reads "I exist only to torment you and steal your credit card numbers".
The reason they had to use the Gremlin is because Becky crashed the Neon during their information reconnaissance. She blamed Ginger for the accident because she was trying to find a way to piss off a Canadian, which proved to be difficult. However, Mira advised Ginger to piss off a Canadian as if he or she were an American, since they share somewhat similar cultures. Ginger blames Becky for the accident for being a bit drunk as always. Apparently, the Gremlin is the only car Ginger and Red could muster up in such short notice, and Becky's tolerance of ugly cars is wearing thin.
"I bet the glass slipper fragment is being held in the second floor," said Becky. "Let's move out!"
Using her silenced pistol, Red takes out the nearest overhead lamp and the security camera installed above the door. Ginger moves in and plugs her probes into the electronic lock. The probes are attached to a Palm Pilot PDA she had swindled from a yuppie businessman, and she uses it with great ease to unlock the door.
Becky kicks open the door and leads the girls and the others down the dark halls at a fast pace. Becky, Red, and Mira quickly take out any guard that stood in their way as they make their way into the stairwell.
The girls stop right in the middle to reload whatever bullets or tranquilizer cartridges into their weapons. Ginger unfolds her laptop and plugs it in into a data port on the wall panel.
"Have they been alerted of our presence?" Becky asked Ginger.
"No they haven't," she replied.
"Okay, then. We're going up now."
"Hey, wait a second!"
Right when Becky and Red make to the second floor, the searchlights of a helicopter appear right before them. Soon enough, the helicopter itself descends to their level.
"This is the CSIS!" blared a bullhorn. "We have you surrounded."
Becky looks down to see that the building is rapidly being surrounded by CSIS agents. A dark government-issued Ford Taurus sedan pulls up in the rear carrying Dish and Spoon.
"We've got them now," said Dish.
Back in the building:
"Damnit!" Becky cursed. "Ginger, why didn't you tell us the Canadian feds is on our tails?"
"I tried to Sis, but you just freakin' rushed in!" yelled Ginger as she and Mira join up with Becky.
The windows shatter, and tear gas canisters fly into the windowed hallway.
"This way!" cried Becky.
The girls cover their mouths and tried to navigate their way their noxious smoke, but they didn't realize that they left HLS behind. Somehow, they find themselves traversing a walkway connecting the office building and a dilapidated warehouse.
"There they are!" cried an armed CSIS agent.
Becky and the girls immediately run into the warehouse where it is apparently deserted. The CSIS agents are rapidly surrounding the area, and Becky must think fast in order to save her lover and the rest of the team. From the vantage point of the catwalk, she spots four partially open small silos containing what seems to be some white flour.
"Everyone, jump into these things," Becky said.
"Like hell," said Ginger. "I'm not jumping into that thing full of whatever it is--unless it's crack, then maybe we can sell it."
"Then you go first."
Becky lifts Ginger off her feet and sends her screaming and falling from the catwalk into the nearest silo. Becky, Red, and Mira went further down that catwalk that ran alongside the four silos and immediately jump into their designated positions. Each of them manages to swim up the flour-like powder so they can breathe freely. Then they start to wait.
Later, Dish and Spoon entered the warehouse where the CSIS agents are combing through every nook and cranny for the whereabouts or possible escape route of the girls. They still haven't found anything.
"Perhaps they could have escaped through the sewer line?" Spoon suggested.
"Perhaps but if I know Wolfe-Ears, she has a certain weakness for human feces," said Dish.
"Do you mean scat? You know, she may be afraid of the act of pooping in a erotic situation, not the poop itself."
"In that case, then search the sewer line!" Dish ordered.
"Do we have to?" whined a CSIS agent.
"I am in charge in this operation, aren't I?"
And so, the unlucky CSIS agents, who are resentful of an American hick commanding them, grudgingly obeyed him and start to search the sewer line that can be entered through a grate at the other end of the warehouse. As Dish and Spoon wait, Spoon suddenly hears a dull thud in one of the four small silos just before him. He disregards it and decides to muster up his courage to confess his feelings to Dish.
Then Spoon hears it again. He walks closer to the silo closest to where the catwalks intersect. Waiting for silence, points his left ear towards the outer hull and hears some faint cursing. It sounded like this:
"Oh, fuck! My butt!"
Raising his eyebrow in surprise, Spoon immediately pulls down the lever attached to the silo. In a dusty torrent of white powder, all of the silo's contents pour out, including a tomboyish girl wearing glasses with a laptop computer bag slung under her shoulder. Ginger wipes her eyes and her glasses. The dust clears and she discovers that she's been spotted.
"Oh, fuck," she cursed.
"Get her!" Dish yelled.
Suddenly, the two silos next to Ginger's pour out and out comes a white-powdered Red and Mira with their weapons drawn. Dish, Spoon, and the rest of the CSIS agents draw their pistols out against them.
"Secret Technique Howling Half-Moon!" Becky cries out.
Her silo explodes with a single cut of her Shinseiki katana and creates a dusty storm so large that it fills up the entire warehouse. With everyone's vision obscured, Becky and the girls take advantage of the confusion to escape back the way they came from--to the office building.
"Take my hand, Ginger!" Mira cried out.
"Dish, is that you?" Spoon asked.
When the dust cleared, Mira discovers she took the hand of Spoon, who thought Dish was leading him. Mira screams and pushes him off the catwalk and onto the pile of white powder. She joins up with her comrades at the walkway and immediately enters the office building.
Dish runs to check on Spoon, who dazed but unhurt as the white flour-like powder breaks his fall. Everyone in the warehouse are covered from head to toe in the white flour-like substance and almost make them look like cartoon ghosts.
"Are you okay?" Dish asked him.
"I'm fine," he replied.
"Good, then let's go after them. The rest of you follow me."
As the CSIS agents recover from their temporary blindness, Dish and Spoon chase after Becky and the others down the halls of the office building while exchanging shots. For some reason, their aim is totally off. Becky realized this because Red is usually the most accurate in shooting. Then there is this funny feeling in her crotch.
"Why aren't you killing those bastards?" Ginger complained to Red and Mira.
"My crotch feels funny," Red said.
Then suddenly, Ginger sees Mira putting her hand in her panties.
"This is not a good time to get horny," said Ginger.
"I can't help it," Mira said.
"Me too," added Red. She too has her hand inside her pants.
Then Becky puts her hand in her pants as well.
"What the hell is going on?" Ginger wondered.
Becky, Red, and Mira's fighting performance have dwindled significantly. They retreat to a large meeting room and hide behind the tables. Everyone except Ginger drops their weapons and fall to the floor with both their hands in their pants. Ginger watches on with utter confusion.
"Guys, there are two feds on our tail, and you're all on the floor masturbating?" Ginger complained.
"We're not masturbating, Gingerbrat," groaned Becky. "Listen closely!"
Ginger listens and realizes that the scratching noises are increasing in volume.
"Oh, great," said Ginger. "Now you've got bad case of pubic hair itch. Come on guys, let's blow stuff up and kill somebody!"
"This isn't an ordinary itch," groaned Mira. "The powder we fell in must be an highly allergenic mold agent that causes intense itching in the pubic area."
"Then I must be immune to that stuff. Whoo-hoo! Gingerbread Grrl has an advantage over you bitches! I rock!"
Suddenly, Ginger feels an itch. She can't pinpoint where but she anticipates that it will be on her crotch. Realizing where the itch is coming from, Ginger throws both her hands behind her and inside her pants.
"Oh fuck! My butt!" she screamed.
Ginger collapses to the ground violently scratching her butt that is still swollen after all the spanking Becky had done to her. Mira is unable to become wet at Ginger's phrase she is programmed to react to.
"Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why does have to be my butt!" cried Ginger. "What did my butt ever do to anyone?"
Finally, Dish and Spoon corner the girls have their guns drawn at them. Leaving one hand in their panties, Red and Mira grab their respective pistols and poke themselves above the table in order to face off against the two FBI agents.
"Put your weapons down!" Dish yelled.
"No way Mister Agent Man!" Red cried.
"It's over Red and Rebecca. We have you surrounded. Spoon, call the other agents over here."
Dish looks around. It seems that Spoon has disappeared.
"Spoon?" he asked.
He looks down and sees his partner on the floor with both hands intensely scratching his groin.
"What are you doing-oh God!" Dish cried.
Dish also falls to the floor and thrusts his hands into his pants. He too is affected by the crotch itching. At the moment, Red and Mira become sympathetic to their plight and decide not to shoot them. It is a strange sight in the room, because it almost looks like everyone is masturbating.
Becky and Ginger take advantage of the situation and run way while leaving one hand in their pants for scratching. Dish and Spoon try to stop them, but the girls merely end up running over them. Ginger can only give them one kick in the stomach as she leaves the meeting room.
As they run down the windowed halls, they hear gunfire. Becky and the girls look outside to see that some burly and handsome men in clad in tight leather are exchanging bullets with the CSIS agents while using their respective vehicles as shields. Unfortunately, the CSIS agents are shooting one-handed because they too are occupied with scratching the itch out of their crotches. They are seriously getting wasted.
"The Winnipeg gay mafia!" Mira exclaimed.
"It's them!" booms a voice.
The girls look down the hall and see John Henry and Paul Bunyan being escorted by four other burly leather-clad men armed with handguns. Under Henry's large hand is a silver briefcase, possibly containing the glass slipper fragment. Holstered on his back is a large sledgehammer that is not used for hammering inanimate objects.
"Well, well," started Bunyan. "It looks like Olde Wolfe-ears has been affected with our special itching agent."
"Ah, fuck you!" Becky cried. She pulls out one of her throwing knives and throws it towards Bunyan's face. Bunyan pulls out his battle axe holstered behind his back and uses it to deflect the knife.
"My, my, you're aim is quite off, eh?" continued Bunyan. "If you only had the special 'shampoo', maybe you'll stand a fighting chance against us. But we're busy right now. Once we initiate operation 'River Scratch', we'll bring this entire city to our knees!"
Bunyan whistles and his goons step in front of him and his lover Henry with their handguns drawn. Since they cannot fight effectively whilst scratching their groin, Becky and the girls avoid the shooting and retreat to another hall. They run and run until Ginger spots a control room full of computers.
"Let's hide in here!" Ginger cried.
The girls complied and fled to the room along with Ginger. Almost immediately they barricade the door with chairs and tables so Bunyan and Henry's goons cannot get in at least for now.
Then they discover that they are not alone in the room. Pointing their guns at them are Dish and Spoon, who have one hand on their crotches just like the girls.
"Don't you move!" ordered Dish.
In one swift slash, Becky swings her sword and cuts Dish and Spoon's guns in half. Dish and Spoon drops the remains of their weapons and back away to the computer consoles.
"Damn. I was trying to cut their hands off," Becky said.
"All right Red and Mira," Ginger said. "Now shoot them dead!"
"I'm out of bullets," Red said.
"I only have tranquilizer darts Ginger dear," Mira noted.
"Then what good are you!" cried Ginger. "Oh fuck! My butt!"
Ginger's itching intensifies, and she falls to the ground scratching her ass to no end (no pun intended).
"Wait a minute, girls," pleaded Spoon. "Perhaps we can work something out."
"Like hell we are!" yelled Becky.
"We'll let you go for now if you find a cure for this crotch-itching."
"Spoon!" cried Dish.
"Dish, we're essentially at their mercy here."
"I'd rather die than make any dealings with these killer lesbos over here."
"It's tribades Mister Agent Man," Red said.
"Whatever. But anyway, Fork and my father would kill me if they find out."
"There you go again, mentioning your father and all," Spoon butted in.
"What are you talking about? This is about honor..."
Dish and Spoon continue to argue like husband and wife.
"Ginger, can you hack the computers over there to see if there is any data on the antidote?" Becky asked.
"I would, but I'm kinda busy scratching the hell out of my ass, and I need both of my hands," Ginger said. "Someone needs to scratch my ass while I'm hacking."
"I'll scratch your ass," Mira volunteered with and eager smile.
Ginger gets back onto her feet and hacks into the computers while Mira stands behind her scratching her butt with her free hand. After breaking through the password-protected files, Ginger opens up the latest memo and discovers something foreboding.
"Oh-my-Goddess," she uttered.
"What is it?" Becky asked.
"It seems that Bunyan and Henry are going to poison the river and the water system with that white itchy powder stuff we all have been affected with. With everyone afflicted with crotch itch, they're going to set up a couple of stalls and storefronts and sell the antidote shampoo at a very high price. This must be the most diabolical plan I have ever seen! It is a true masterpiece!"
"Then we have to do something to save the city!" Spoon cried.
"Hell no! I would like to see the madness caused by the crotch itching! I sure do wish I brought my digital camcorder to record the whole thing."
"Are you some kind of sadist or something?" Dish asked.
"I take pleasure in watching people suffer in silly ways," Ginger smiled. "Hmm, I should make a t-shirt for that phrase."
"So where is the shampoos?" Becky asked.
"It looks like they shipped out all the bottles already. I mean all of them."
"Is there a lab located around here?" Mira asked.
"Just below us."
"Good, then maybe I can synthesize some just for us."
"And what about the fragment?" Red asked.
"Judging from the surveillance videos, it seems that Bunyan and Henry had already made off with it. They are boarding a large pickup truck as we speak."
"Then Red and I will go after them," Becky announced.
"But the itching!" Mira cried. "If you don't treat it right now, you could die due to intense stress and bleeding!"
"Is it possible that you can dilute the tranquilizer darts so that it will stop the feeling in our crotches?"
"Yes, but it will only work for a short while."
"Do that. Then we'll bust out of here."
"I'll come along with you," Spoon said.
"Spoon, what are you?" gasped Dish.
"We don't need your help," said Becky.
"I know, but I have a score to settle against Bunyan and Henry. They killed a close friend of mine through crotch itching. I may not have much skills compared to you, but I will help you in nabbing that glass slipper fragment."
"A glass slipper fragment," Dish said to himself. "That's sounds familiar."
"Dish, you'll stay behind to protect them, right?"
"If it'll stop this damned itching, then I will."
"Don't you need guns or something?" Ginger asked.
"I got that covered," Red winked.
Outside the control room, the burly leather-clad goons attempt to break down the door. Little do they know that right above them Red is crawling in the ventilation shafts ready to strike. She dives from the ventilation shaft and immediately knocks them out with in four punches. She along with Becky and Spoon already have been injected with Mira's diluted tranquilizers, which looked weird since they had to stab the needle just above their pubic area. For them, the itching has waned down, but there is still small tingle every once and a while. Unfortunately, it also has a side effect of lowering their libido down to zero. Thus they won't be able to enjoy sex or masturbate for a couple of hours.
Becky and the others clear out of the barricade and exit the control room. Spoon and Red grab the guns off the unconscious goons and soon follow Becky downstairs to where they parked the Gremlin.
Dish, Ginger, and Mira head downstairs down to the lab and immediately begin to prepare the antidote in the form of pubic shampoo. Ginger quickly hacks into the building's network so she can obtain and print out the formula Mira needed to synthesize the shampoo. Since Mira needs both hands to work, she politely asked Ginger to scratch her groin.
"Mm, that's good Ginger," she moaned. "A little lower."
"Did you say something?" Ginger asked. Mira turned her head and sees that Ginger as at the far corner of the laboratory working on her laptop computer with her feet since her hands are busy scratching her butt. Then who is scratching Mira's crotch?
"Um, don't take this personally," Dish said. "Ginger told me to take over."
Realizing that it was not just Dish, but a man who is scratching her privates, Mira screams out loud and then punches Dish right into his face. Angry, Mira starts pummeling Dish's itchy crotch with her foot.
"Stop!" Dish screamed. "You're making it worse!"
Mira strikes Dish hard into his stomach and renders him unconscious. For him, the itch has subsided.
Ginger laughed out loud at the entire spectacle. Mira is somewhat angry at Ginger, but she decides to withhold any hurtful words to the girl of her dreams. She then quickly dilutes another tranquilizer and injects it just above her crotch. She continues working on the formula.
Meanwhile, Becky, Red, and Spoon make it outside, but the Gremlin is gone. They look over to see a big-rig truck getting ready to leave with its large trailer. Bunyan and Henry head over to a blue crew cab Dodge Ram pickup truck with nicknamed "Babe" on its hood and side doors while being escorted by eight of their muscular goons.
"Bunyan!" screamed Spoon. "Henry!"
Bunyan and Henry turn their faces towards the handsome FBI agent. Their eyes widen for not only Becky and Red have caught up with them, but also because they recognized and knew Spoon from long ago.
"I'll take care of them," Henry announced.
"I'll wait for you, love," said Bunyan.
Bunyan and Henry give each other a hard and loving man-to-man kiss. Henry hands the silver suitcase over to Bunyan, who then heads into Babe the blue truck alone with the driver. After starting the car, he leaves the factory complex as he follows the big rig truck.
"I'll take care of the big hammer guy," Becky said.
"Be careful Miss Wolfe," said Spoon. "John Henry is surprisingly fast with his hammer. One light blow can crush your bones."
"Then I'll just have to be faster," smiled Becky.
Henry draws out his large and intimidating sledgehammer. He along with his men immediately charge. Red and Spoon held back the goons while Becky sprints towards Henry. Henry lifts up his hammer and slams to the ground just as Becky avoids. The asphalt ground shatters for about twenty feet.
"I've got you!" Becky screamed as she lunges in with her Shinseiki.
Henry quickly lifts up his hammer and narrowly deflects Becky's sword. He then smiles and laughs at the futility of her efforts.
"Little Wolfe!" he gloated. "Don't you know who I am? I am John Henry! I drive people like you six feet under!"
Henry swings his hammer and knocks Becky's sword off her hands. The impact sends the blade flying all the way to the factory and crashes through one of its windows.
"Damn," said the Becky.
Henry laughs as he starts to hammer away at Becky. One by one, Becky throws all of her throwing knifes at him. Henry manages to deflect most of them, though some hit parts of his chest. Though he is bleeding, he continues his attacks as if nothing has happened to him.
Becky tries to punch him, kick him, and even hit him right at the crotch. Henry's tolerance for pain is great, and gloats once more over Becky's futility. Becky realizes her only hope lies in the Shinseiki sword that flew many meters to the factory.
She makes a run for it. This angers Henry and he gives chase. She finally makes to the factory where the shampoo is bottled. Henry breaks open the door with his hammer swinging. As she attempts to find her sword, she dodges blow after blow of Henry's hammer. Each of his swing shatters and breaks the factory machines as well as metal columns. Becky could sense that the entire might give way if she doesn't do something to stop him.
"My family has a great history of steel-driving on the great American railroads!" Henry boasted. "I am the strongest of them all! You'll never defeat me!"
Becky spots her sword hanging off the catwalk. She leaps from the ground and climbs the shampoo dispenser mechanism and grabs it. She dives down and slashes at Henry, who then blocks it with his mighty hammer. Becky jumps back defensively and tries to think of a way to defeat this tall black man.
"Your puny sword cannot match the strength of my hammer!" Henry boasted.
"Perhaps," Becky sneered. Suddenly, she yells: "Secret Technique Lunar Crescent Cutter!"
With one swing from her sword, Becky sends an aerial cutting wave towards Henry. Henry ducks and dodges it with ease.
"Is that the best you can do?" he cried.
Becky smiled. Suddenly, the entire factory building starts to rumble. Henry looks and around and finds that she has cut a metal pillar that is maintaining the stability of the building. As the factory collapses all around him, Henry tries to deflect the debris to no avail. Becky narrowly escapes by cutting a hole in the wall.
Becky rises back to her feet and dusts herself. There is a slight itching tingle in her crotch, but she pulls her hand away from it and resists the urge to scratch. She almost wished she had a cigarette for her success.
The factory rubble starts rumble. In one loud cry, a bloodied Henry furiously bursts from the rubble. He picks up his sledgehammer and starts to crawl his way to Becky.
"Bitch!" he yelled. "I'll get you!"
A bullet strikes Henry's dominant right hand. He drops his hammer. Another bullet strikes his leg. Henry collapses. The bullets came from a stern-faced Spoon, who is also tempted to scratch his numb crotch. He and Red join up with Becky.
"You could have used a gun," Spoon said to Becky.
"But where's the fun in that?" whined Becky.
"We'll let the CSIS agents take care of him. We have to stop Bunyan and his dreaded operation 'River Scratch'."
"More importantly, I have to get that glass slipper fragment."
"Don't you girls care about what happens to the city?"
"That fragment is first priority! If I collect them all, my lover will stop calling me 'Grandma'!"
"That's right," Red said. "Grandma doesn't like me screaming her name during sex."
Spoon suddenly became disgusted by the thought of that. Red looks childish, cute, and innocent, and Becky looks tall, grungy, and she might be old. Did he see a case of lesbian pedophilia?
"How old are you?" he asked her.
"I'm twenty-one you stupid fag!" Becky snapped.
"I was just asking, jeez."
Red pulls on Becky and Spoon's shirts and directs their attention to the advancing army of leather-clad men with their guns drawn. As the three prepare to take them on, a Gremlin appears out of nowhere and starts running the goons over and giving them a comedic chase.
"That's our Gremlin," Red said.
"But who's driving it?" asked Becky.
The Gremlin runs over the last goon and starts plowing towards Becky, Red, and Spoon. They start to panic, and the stress caused by the panic start revives the itching on their crotches. To scratch or to flee--they do not know what to do now.
The Gremlin dramatically screeches into a halt with the driver's side facing them. Becky and the other two lift the heads to see and become shocked at who is driving the car.
"Bark!" said HLS.
"HLS!" cried Becky. "Why the hell didn't you tell me you knew how to drive? I could have had a foursome with Red, Mira, and Ginger in the backseat of the Neon on our way to Winnipeg."
"What is with you girls?" grumbled Spoon.
"Grrrr," growls HLS.
"Don't sass back at me!" Becky yelled. "You know what happens to girls who talk smack to me right?"
"Hmm, you're right. It would look funny if I spanked you. Now let me drive."
"Your dog's name is HLS..." said Spoon.
"Uh-huh," said Red. "She wears a double-dildo!"
Becky and Red get into the front seats while Spoon crawls to the back seat along with HLS. Lo and behold he discovers HLS's double-dildo strap protruding out of her duffle bag full of dog snacks and a dog grooming kit. Of course, he thought it is for the girls, but he has his doubts since it is proportionally small in regards to the human body. He thinks that it might be meant for Red Little.
With Becky as the driver, the Gremlin with its surprising agility and speed screams into the forest highway and zeroes onto Babe the blue pickup. The itch on her crotch is coming back, but she has push on to get the glass slipper fragment at all costs.
"You there," Becky said to Spoon.
"Spoon," said he.
"Whatever. Take the wheel. I'm gonna get on that truck and get the fragment. You and Red cover me."
"Do you mind if I use this car to stop the big-rig?"
"I see. But you know, if Red, HLS, and I can stop it, Bunyan's blue truck will also be forced to stop. There's no way Bunyan can escape this forest."
"Fine, whatever. If you get killed in the process, it's your fault."
Becky clambers on top of the Gremlin's roof as Spoon takes the wheel. Spoon pushes the accelerator so that the Gremlin can line up with the pickup's truck bed. Right after Becky jumped in there, she stabs the back and barely misses Bunyan's head.
"Damn that Becky," cursed Bunyan. He then takes his battle axe and slices through the roof the truck. He emerges through the torn up truck roof while the driver cautiously keeps his eyes on the road.
"Give the glass slipper fragment!" Becky yelled.
"I need that as insurance in case operation River Scratch fails," said Bunyan. "And now... this is for what you did to my precious Babe!"
Bunyan lunges forward with his axe, and Becky blocks it with his sword. Both nearly lose their balance, but they immediately regain them and resume their duel.
Meanwhile, Spoon speeds the Gremlin down the left lane and tries to catch up with the towing engine that is towing the large trailer containing the white itching powder.
"Okay girls," said Spoon. "Here's the plan..."
When he turned his head, Red and HLS are gone. Suddenly, a muscle man in leather and a bleeding crotch flies out of the towing engine. Spoon accelerates faster and finds that Red has already commandeered the big-rig with the help of HLS's crotch-biting attack. However, there is the problem of the girl's inept driving abilities. Thus, Red loses control and spins the big-rig ninety degrees. Spoon speeds up to avoid the impact as the big-rig knocks down tree after tree before it starts slowing down.
The driver of Babe the blue truck swerves in to the forest to avoid the crashing big-rig. Becky and Bunyan continue their duel, and their lightning fast slashes cuts down the mightiest trees in the forest.
The itch comes back to Becky's crotch. She drives one of her hands into her pants and continues her duel. Fighting one-handed whilst scratching her pubic area is diverting her battle concentration.
"It's the end for you Olde Wolfe-Ears!" cried Bunyan as he lifts his axe high up for the final blow.
"I so fucking hate it when people call me Olde Wolfe-Ears!" yelled Becky. "I'm twenty-one!"
Becky pulls out of her pocket a plastic bag full of white powder and smashes it against Bunyan's crotch. She then jumps out of truck just as it crashes into a creek. The driver is immediately killed, and Bunyan is thrown out and lands head first into the creek. He tries to wipe the white powder off, but he cannot remove its effects in time. He lays down with both his hands in his crotch and scratches away.
Becky climbs down towards the creek and immediately gives two swift kicks into Bunyan's stomach Ginger-style. Then she takes his sword and prepares to lob off his head with her Shinseiki.
"Rebecca Wolfe! Wait!" cried a voice.
Spoon dashes down into the forest points his gun at Becky.
"Leave him be," Spoon commanded. "I'll take care custody of his man."
Becky sighs and sheathes her sword. Spoon follows suit and lowers his weapon.
"Very well," she said. "I'm breaking my first rule, but at least I won't break the second."
Becky reaches over into the back seat of the blue truck and grabs the silver suitcase. She opens it up and discovers a small jewel box. Inside the jewel box surrounded by lavender lining is a shard of the glass slipper shining under the moonlight.
After Becky left, Spoon walks over and looks down at the broken Paul Bunyan.
"Cheesy," gasped Bunyan.
"Hello Paul," said Spoon.
Spoon gives him a kick in the stomach. "This is for Georgie Porgie," he said. Then he gives him another. "This is for the time you and Henry gang-raped me."
Justice has been served, and Spoon leaves Bunyan on the ground scratching and scratching until the CSIS agents arrived.
Mira had finally synthesized the shampoo, and Becky and the others can finally rid themselves the crotch itching. Becky and the girls took a shower together in the office building. She took advantage of their apparent nudity and had threesome while Ginger and HLS watched. Dish and Spoon had to remain outside and suffer an hour so before they were done. If they dared peeked, they would certainly be killed. None of them wanted to see the girls naked anyway.
Mira groaned beforehand at the threesome, but while she was engaging in it, her eyes constantly wandered off to Ginger's slim, sexy, and soapy body.
Afterwards, Dish and Spoon took their showers. It was uneventful.
Before they left, Dish warned Becky and her gang that he will not hesitate in arresting them if he and Spoon ever saw them again. Red asked if they were gay, but Dish and Spoon dodged the subject and storm off in embarrassment. None of them said anything to each other about Red's childish observation.
As usual, Ginger steals the wallets from Bunyan and Henry's goons along with other key prizes.
Becky and her gang had disappeared without a trace from Winnipeg, and the last two agents that last saw them claim that they ran away from them after they escaped the warehouse containing the itching powder.
Bunyan and Henry confessed to the plot to "poison" the river and the water system with that powder, though the Canadian authorities felt bemused by their strange plan to make quick cash by selling pubic shampoo. Of course, the Bunyan and Henry never said a word about a glass slipper fragment. And for some reason, the formula the shampoo antidote disappeared all together from their computer hard drives.
The big-rig truck that crashed in the highway that went through the forest had spilled the white powder. Thus a HAZMAT team was called in to clean up. After they did so, they discovered laying on forest floor numerous dead squirrels, mice, rats, cockroaches, and a moose. Apparently, they died from intense itching on their crotches, thus causing the Canadian government to consider using the white powder as a means of total pest control. Later, a special U.S. government agent dropped by to coax the Canadians to burn all their data regarding the white itching powder and the shampoo antidote. Of course, the agent took some samples in the hopes of using it as the perfect biological weapon.
Since then, no one can confirm or deny the existence of that powder, which is codenamed "P-Scratcher."
At least, no government official cannot confirm or deny the existence of P-Scratcher.
A strange incident occurred at a small river town next to Nashville. After some teenagers reportedly blew up a rusting Gremlin with fireworks, grenades and whatnot, and then pushed its remains into the river, all of the citizens suddenly became afflicted with an uncontrollable itch on their crotches. They tried everything to alleviate it, from washing with shampoo, to folk remedies such as rubbing snake oil or snake feces on the affected area.
Then word of mouth spread about a general store sells a special shampoo designed to treat crotch itching. However, each bottle was expensive, but people were desperate, since no was able to have sex or masturbate in days. Once more, Red's General Store became hit of the town since it was the only store that sold the shampoo for some reason.
Nothing about the girls who ran the general store struck the townspeople odd as they gleefully sold them overpriced pubic shampoo. Apparently, they didn't seem to be affected by this crotch itch epidemic.
There are rumors spreading all over the internet that an elite female hacker was responsible for spreading the crotch itch epidemic, yet no one took notice, not even the government. Some think that she was the one who "discovered" the existence of the shampoo being sold at Red's and then told everyone about it. Ginger became angry for not being recognized for her criminal achievements, so she decided to blow up the Ferrari she and Red bought for Becky.
Becky was not amused.
At the end of the day, Ginger's ass got spanked with quasi-righteous hand of Becky Wolfe. Mira watched on and stealth-masturbated. HLS did six dogs using her usual strap on, and Red somehow managed to dip her broom handle into a hornet's nest.
[i] CSIS - Canadian Security Intelligence Service