Story: Mother Güse Must Die (all chapters)

Authors: StarCross

Back to chapter list

Chapter 1

Title: Miss Wolfe Meets Red-chan

[Author's notes: The First Chapter of the Story Formerly Known as The Misadventures of Miss Wolfe and Red]

Chapter 1: Ms. Wolfe meets Red-chan

One of the great certainties my mother taught me (before she died of constipation after a scat orgy) was that all stories, no matter how improbable, have a basis on real life.

Sometimes, or maybe often times, real life can even be more improbable than the tales that represent them. Sometimes, or maybe often times, real life can get pretty disturbing.

Somewhere in the Southeast USA, in the late afternoon of the year 1999...

A 17-year-old teenage girl cloaked in a crimson hood-cape skips carelessly and happily between a dark southern forest and Highway 75. Her short hair is red--not the orange kind but red as in Hawaiian Punch Red. Beneath her crimson hood, the girl, whose name is Red Little, is dressed in typical teenage clothes, such as tight jeans, white and pink tennis shoes, and a shirt that reads in the front "I'm an Angel, and I can Kick your Ass!" As she trots, she sings at the top of her lungs Brittany Spears' latest song "...Baby, One More Time." She carries beneath her right arm an inconspicuous picnic basket with a white cloth pouring out to the sides. Hidden under her hood-cape and strapped to her shoulders is a beaten pink backpack containing her change of clothes and personal care products.

Down the highway is a tall young woman--a goth-tomboy--of about 21 named Rebecca "Becky" Wolfe. Becky, a smoker, has short black hair, ruby-red eyes, black eye makeup, and rings pierced through right eyelid, her left nostril, the top lip on the right, ears, and her navel. She is dressed rather trashy in her dark green shrunken tank top, dark gray and over-washed baggy pants complete with chain, black boots, and a heavy "pleather" jacket. Slung over to her left shoulder is her pack of belongings, such as a couple of change of clothes, personal care products, and makeup. Also slung over her left shoulder is her mysterious black-sheathed Japanese sword. For some inexplicable reason, Becky has real live wolf ears on the top of her head. The left one is heavily ring-pierced.

Becky looks down the highway and sees a truck coming right for her. She puffs another plume from the cigarette and out her mouth and extends her right thumb out. The truck blazes past her. Becky Wolfe spits out her burnt-out cigarette in anger and searches her jacket for more smokes. She is out.


Suddenly, Becky hears the annoyingly high-pitched sound of an annoying pop song. She looks down the other way to see Red Little skipping carelessly down her way.

At the end of the song, Red stops right before Becky and smiles.

"Hello nice lady," bows Red.

"Uh, hey," greeted Becky. "You wouldn't have a cigarette in that basket of yours do you?"

"Oh, that is for my grandma."

"Ah, can't you spare me at least one?"

"I am sorry, nice lady, but my grandma needs all of them."


Red shakes her head--no.

"Well, okay then," said Becky. "Run along little girl."

Becky turns her head to the highway and looks for another vehicle to hail. After a minute, she turns her head and sees Red still standing behind her. The crimson hood-caped girl looks down on the ground twirling her hair and hiding her wide smile innocently.

"What is it now?" Becky asked.

"Well, I," started Red.

"Aren't you supposed to go to your grandma's?"

"Oh! Sorry!"

Red darts right into the dark southern forest.

"Hey, where are you going?" Becky yelled.

"My grandma lives inside this forest!" Red replied.

"But the forest is..."

Red disappears into the thick trees.

"Dark..." continued Becky, "maybe full of wolves, or most likely pedophiles."

Then a thought crossed Becky:

What the fuck! That girl's grandma lived inside that forest! And I've been hitchhiking for eight fuckin' hours! If I get there, I can make a phone call, and maybe score one of grandma's smokes.

With her pack and sword in hand, Becky Wolfe darts into the dark southern forest on a slightly different path from Red.

In no time, Becky makes it to a clearing that held a quaint little southern house. Suddenly she sees a van pulling up. Becky hides behind a tree. She sees a gaudy pumpkin-orange vintage Volkswagen van stopping at the side of the house. Out of the van comes a fat old hag wearing an old moo-moo and thick sunglasses while carrying a plastic bag of groceries. Visible from the bag is a bottle of whiskey.

I wonder where the little girl is at? Becky thought.

Meanwhile in the forest, Red is hopelessly lost and hopelessly clumsy. She trips over branch after branch. After each trip, Red starts over "...Baby One More Time."

Back at the house, Becky watches as Red's grandmother fumbles around her purse for her keys by the front door.

"Here goes nothing," Becky said to herself.

Becky comes out of hiding and approaches the grandmother. She raises her hand...


The grandmother jolts. Suddenly, she drops her purse and groceries, and clutches her heart while gasping heavily. She turns around to see Becky for about five seconds, and then drops dead.

Becky is stunned. She looks to her left. And to her right. Then she remembers another great certainty--or riddle--or something:

If a tree fell in the middle of a forest, does it make a sound? With that in mind, if an elderly fell dead in the middle of nowhere, will she still be able to collect Social Security benefits and other such pensions?

Then Becky hears:

"Hit me baby one more--ouch!"

Becky looks and sees that Red is drawing near to the house with each fall. There is little time to get rid of the body. After moving grandma's dead fat ass to the side of the house, she unsheathes her mystical katana, the Shinseiki, and in four successive swipes segments Red's grandmother into four pieces. Then she dumps out the contents of four nearby black garbage bags and replaces them with the body pieces. Becky then throws the four garbage bags inside the back of the pumpkin-orange Volkswagen van.

Red approaches the door of her grandmother's house and bangs on the screen door. "Grandma, it's me! Red Little!"

"Shit!" Becky cursed. She quickly takes a swig from the whiskey bottle from the grocery bag. Then she takes the keys out the purse, unlocks the door and bursts into house.

"Grandma, are you there?" Red bellowed.

Becky takes a deep breath and preps herself to imitate an old woman's voice...

"I'm coming."

...which didn't sound like an old woman's voice. It sounded like Becky's.

"Oh, I'm so glad," said Red.

Is this girl stupid or what? Becky thought.

"Aren't you gonna let me in?"

Becky fumbles into grandmother's room in order to find grandma clothes to slip on.

"Wait just a second," Becky said in her normal voice. "I just need... to... get... dressed..."

Becky starts slipping into a smelly moo-moo she finds in the closet.

"Grandma, I'm coming in," yelled Red.

"Wait a sec, girl!"

Suddenly, Becky hears two gunshots at the front door. Scared stiff, she jumps into bed and hides under the sheets. She sees an old nightcap on the bedpost and immediately slips it on. Her wolf ears tear through.

"Uh, Red-chan?" Becky whispered.

The crimson-cloaked Red enters her grandmother's room bearing a picnic basket. Her shirt still clearly reads "I'm an Angel and I can kick your ass!"


"Oh, hi Red-chan!" stuttered Becky.

"Oh my god, Grandma, what big tits you have!"

"Oh, the better to breast feed you--I meant, breast feed your mother."

Are my tits THAT big? Becky thought.

"But you're not my mama's mother," Red innocently smiled.

"Er, I knew that."

"My grandma, what a big mole you have!"

Becky hides the small mole that is on the side of cheek.

"Bitch," Becky yelled, "I don't have that big of a mole!"

"Grandma, what a nice nose ring you have!"

"All the better to, um, separate myself from the status quo, because I am tired of the conservative U.S. government telling me that I should be straight, buy a house, have kids, buy a Mercedes, gorge on the noxious and toxic fumes of consumerism while at the same time oppress others below such as inner-city dwellers, blacks, Hispanics, gays, liberals..."

"My Grandma, what beautiful ruby-red eyes you have!"

"Oh, why thank you," blushed Becky.

Red drops her basket and backpack and creeps seductively closer to Becky.

"Grandma," she said, "what smooth white skin you have."

"Oh, despite being a goth, I do take care of myself," smiled Becky.

Red brushes her red bangs and places her hand on Becky's. Becky backs into the bed frame and pillows startled, nervous, and strangely aroused. Red leans her face so close to Becky's that their noses and lips are almost touching.

"Grandma, you are so looking hot."

"Hey, that don't sound right," said Becky.

Before Becky could say anymore, her lips are locked with Red's. The two start making out.

On that day, Rebecca Wolfe ate Red Little.

Somewhere in the south sits the Little residence. The two-story Little residence sits on top of a hill overlooking another dark forest and its small farm. The farm, tended by ten shady migrant workers from Canada, consists of a suspicious plant, possibly cannabis.

Inside the residence is Mr. Blue Little, a slender blue-haired bespectacled man in his 40's who has a creepy comb-over. He sits on the plaid couch contently watching an American Football game until the phone rings.

"Damnit Blue! Get the fucking phone!" screamed a bitchy voice, presumably Blue's wife, Violet Little.

Blue frantically shoots from his couch and scrambles to the kitchen to answer the phone.

"Um, hello?"

"It's me daddy!" greeted Red on the other line.

"Oh, hi sweetie."

"I had a good time with Grandma!"

"Who is it?" screamed Violet.

"It's Red, honey," replied Blue. He then turns to the handset, "so did you do the 'you know what'?"

"Huh?" Red said.

"You know..."

"I had hot sex with Grandma!"

Blue suddenly hears a high-pitched scream upstairs. He drops the handset and scrambles up to the master bedroom. Inside is Violet, a violet-haired woman who still has a touch of vanity in her 40s. She is breathing furiously. Her teeth grind loudly, and her brow is in the scariest frown ever.

"Uh, honey," uttered Blue.

Violet, who had been listening to the conversation, grips the cordless phone so hard that it starts to break.

Chapter 2

Title: Bubba Bo Peep

[Author's notes: A bestiality orgy sect?  Bill Clinton?]

Chapter 2: Bubba Bo Peep

The late Grandma Little's quaint little house is surrounded by the likes of the FBI. The agents in charge, the brunette Jonathan Dish and the blonde Patrick Spoon, are the two of the hottest-looking hunks in the entire force. They are both partners.
At the scene, Dish and Spoon finds that the van is gone. So are the garbage bags that were supposed to hold the stinking garbage that is piled up nearby. Dish and Spoon walks over to overlook forensics team gathering blood from the lot.

"The blood stains matches her completely," Spoon continued.

"Do we have the license plate number of that van?" Dish asked.

"No, but we determined that the van is painted in the ugliest orange."

"I see. So what about the stains on that bed?"

"They turn up two unknowns."


"We can ascertain that two girls broke in the house to have sex."

"Kids these days," snickers Dish.

The wolf-eared Becky Wolfe drives the beat-up pumpkin-orange Volkswagen van down Highway 75 with cute and innocent Red Little at the passenger seat now wearing a t-shirt that read "I'm an Angel, and I'll bust a cap on yo' ass!", and Grandma Little rotting in four pieces in four garbage bags.

"Damnit," said Becky, "why the fuck did you have to call your parents about our night together?"

"Because I want to tell them about my undying love for you Grandma," said Red.

"For the last time, stop calling me Grandma! Call me Becky, or Rebecca, or Ms. Wolfe, but not Grandma!"


A pause.

"I'm 21," Becky continued.


Another pause.

"So where are we going?" asked Red.

"We gotta find a place to dump this body, and maybe paint this shitty van."

"I know! Let's go to Bubba Bo Peep's place!"

"Bubba Bo Peep?"

"He's a close friend of grandma!"

"Not my friend."

After driving a couple of miles, Becky makes a turn towards Bo Peep's farm.

Bubba Bo Peep's house is also quaint, but not too little. Becky bangs on the door, and a big black man in blue suspenders answers. Becky looks up to him and becomes slightly petrified at the sight of his size.

"Who is it?" booms Bo Peep.

"Bubba!" screamed Red.

"Is that you little Red?"

Bubba opens the screen door and hugs Red with his huge arms.

"What brings you here little Red?" asked Bo Peep.

"I'm here with my Grandma!" she replied.

"Will you stop?" said Becky as boxes Red's head.

"Grandma?" said Bo Peep.

"Don't mind her... and her shirt. But sir, could you be let us shack here for a while?"

"Sure! Any friend of little Red's is a friend of mine."

Bubba Bo Peep lets them in and sits them at the kitchen table where he served plump and tasty corn bread. Bubba Bo Peep sits across them with a pensive look.

"What's going on Bubba?" Red innocently asked.

"Some white crackers stole my sheep," Bo Peep replied.

"That's terrible!"

"Man, that shucks," Becky said while stuffing her face with cornbread.

"If I don't get my sheep back, I won't make enough money to save my farm!" laments Bo Peep.

"Poor Jill!" cried Red.

"Whose Jill?" Becky asked.

"Little Red's favorite sheep who was just born a month ago," replied Bo Peep.

"Please, Grandma?" Red pleaded. "Will you please rescue Bubba's sheep?"

"I don't know," said Becky. "I mean, my services don't come cheap and they're kinda dangerous."

"But he allowed us to stay here!"

"True, but you could call the county sheriff for that matter."

Red suddenly pulls Becky's face to hers for a deep and passionate kiss. Bubba Bo Beep stares at the couple with his jaw dropped.

"Please Grandma?" Red pleaded.

"Fine I'll do it," said Becky. "But in return, WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME GRANDMA?"

Before Becky went out to rescue Bo Peep's sheep, she had to bury Red's Grandmother in a dirt patch right between the barn and the house. Red stood by and watches her while humming "...Baby One More Time" annoyingly.

After burying the legs, the lower torso, and the upper torso, Becky finishes digging that last hole for the garbage bag that contains the grandmother's head. She then spikes the spade shovel to the ground.

"Red-chan," Becky said.

"Yes Grandma?"

"About your grandmother..."


"I'm sorry. I'm the one who killed her."


"Well I didn't really, but I gave her a nasty heart attack..."


"I chopped her up."


"Aren't you sad or anything?"

"Sad about what?"

Becky rips open the bag and displays Grandma Little's head before Red.

"Your real grandma's dead!" she cried.

"Oh!" gasped Red. "She's not my real grandmother."


"Her real name is Jackie Caps. She's actually a close friend to mama and papa."

"Oh." Becky takes one last look at the severed head and says, "Sorry about that Jackie."

With the weight lifted off her, Becky puts the head of Jackie Caps back in the bag and drops it into the hole.

Night falls. Becky sets out in the pumpkin-orange van on the dirt road with Red at her side. Soon enough they approach a large barn surrounded by parked trucks and cars. That is the barn Bubba said the rustlers took his sheep to.

Becky parks the van well behind some trees. After covering her wolf-ears with a black beret, she steps out with her Shinseiki katana in hand.

"Wait here," she said to Red.

"What should I do?" Red asked.

"Um, just don't do anything stupid."

"Okay Grandma."

Becky grumbles loudly and walks towards the crowded barn. She then sneaks off the side and stealthily walks until she sees a peephole. She looks and sees something very weird and disturbing.

What Becky makes out is an organized orgy of people wearing hoods, capes, and rubber masks shagging any animal that are shaggable. Some are doing it in the open, while others retreat themselves to private stalls. While this is going on, drinks are being served at a makeshift bar and loud and awful slow country music blares out on the loudspeakers overhead. Becky had stumbled into a classy animal whorehouse.

Becky hears a gun click. By instinct, she drops her katana, puts her hands up, and slowly turns around. People in hoods and funny masks surround her with shotguns.

"Looks like we have an uninvited guest," said the man with the rubber Bill Clinton mask. He has a white southern accent, and he sounds Republican.

"Oh, hello there," said Becky. "I was just wondering if you have Bubba Bo Peep's sheep, and if you do, could you give them back to me please."


"Don't make this difficult."

"Bring her in!"

"I'm warning you."

Becky is led into the barn, while a man or maybe woman in a Queen Elizabeth mask takes her sword. The music immediately stops, and everyone ceases the bestiality, and immediately surrounds her with eyes gazing through funny rubber masks of celebrity caricatures such as famous U.S. Presidents, dictators, movie monsters, and Ultraman. Becky looks over and sees a man trying to get it on with a giraffe.

"This woman has witnessed our secret," announced the man in the Bill Clinton mask. "Therefore, we must think of an appropriate punishment. So how should she die?"

Everyone in the barn starts murmuring.

"You should have killed me on the spot," Becky suggested. "Unless you have some sick plans for me."

"As a matter fact, we do."

"In that case, anything but scat."

All of a sudden, a pumpkin-orange van bursts through the barn doors--and then breaks down. Red, who is in the driver's seat, tries unsuccessfully to start the van numerous times. Sticking her head out the window, she yells:

"Grandma, the 8-track player won't play and the van's broken!"

"Oh, will you stop calling me grandma!" yelled Becky.

Becky angrily punches the person in the Queen Elizabeth mask who is holding her sword and then unsheathes the legendary Shinseiki.
"Get her!" cried Bill Clinton (not the real one).

The rubber-masked men fire their shotguns. The non-combatants and the animals start running from the scene. Becky swiftly dodges all the shots and immediately kills her assailants.

More people in rubber masks start attacking her using their fists, knives, and stools. Becky makes quick work of them easily, and then sets her sights on Bill Clinton who is creeping away from the scene. She runs over and steps on his ankle, thus stopping him in his tracks.

"You wanted to kill me, didn't you?" growled Becky. "I have a rule that I only kill those who pose a definite threat to my life. And I ask you, do you pose a threat to my life?"

"No," whelped Bill Clinton.

Becky lets go of him in. Then Bill produces a gun out of his pistol and shoots at Becky. The bullet knocks off Becky's beret, thus exposing her wolf ears that are on top of her head. Angry, Becky quickly slices Bill Clinton across his chest.

"Don't tell me you are..." gasped Bill Clinton as he clutches his wound.

"Becky the Berserker?" smiled Becky. "The Merciless Mercenary? The Assassin Saint? I don't care what you call me, because you'll be long dead to care anymore!"

Becky raises her sword straight up in the air in a brilliant stance.

"Secret Technique Howling Half-Moon!"

In one stroke, Becky slices Bill (not the real one) in half right down the middle.

"Oh my god, Grandma," Red exclaimed. "That was so cool!"

Becky wipes the blood off the sword and sheathes her sword. "You think?" she smiled.


Immediately afterward, Becky corrals the sheep and got them to follow the pumpkin-orange van on trek back Bubba Bo Peep's. Red sits with Jill the lamb curled up on her lap.

"Pretty Jill," Red cooed. "Pretty, pretty Jill."
In the middle of the trek, Red looks at the rear-view mirror sees an exotic animal amongst the flock.

"Oh, look," she pointed.

"What is it?" Becky asked.

Becky looks at the mirror and sees a giraffe.

"Isn't that cute!" Red exclaimed. "A giraffe!"

"A giraffe huh?" Becky said. "I wonder how would a man fuck a giraffe?"
Becky completes her mission by returning the sheep, plus a giraffe, to Bubba Bo Peep. Upon receiving his flock, the ecstatic Bubba gave Becky a big and uncomfortable hug. As a reward, he allowed Becky and Red the full use of his entertainment system and another helping of cornbread.

"Thanks for the cornbread, Bubba," Becky said. She along with Red reclines on his comfortable blue love seat couch that sits in front of a large projection screen television complete with a surround sound system and a DVD player. Red innocently pets little Jill as the lamb eats a plate of cornbread.

"You're welcome," said Bo Beep. "I've noticed that little Red has grown quite fond of you."

"Actually, we just met, and..."

"I don't mind you guys, really. So that is why you can watch of box of my friend's lesbian porn for the night."


"Oh, and Red."

"Yes," said Red.

"I need to take Jill for a while to the barn."

"How come?"

"Uh, I need to check if all of my sheep have been permanently damaged."
"Okay. Jill go with uncle Bubba now."

Jill bleats as Bubba Bo Peep lifts her up the ground with his massive arms.
"Jill, don't be that way," said Red. "He's just gonna check if you received any STD's from those nasty people."

After Bo Peep left the house, Becky and Red spent the entire night watching lesbian porn--almost all of which are low quality, bad, and trashy. Becky starts to fall asleep after the 2nd movie, but Red keeps poking her on the various sex acts and positions they should imitate, such as:

A woman getting shafted by a another with a strap-on--
"Can we do that?" Red asked.
"No," Becky replied.

A woman getting fucked and butt-fucked by two women on strap-ons, while sucking on a strap-on worn by another--
"Can we do that?"

"Can we do that?

Lesbian necrophilia--
"Can we do that?"

Lesbian scat--
"Can we?"
"Hell no."

A lesbian orgy--
"Can we do that?"
Becky thinks. "Maybe..."

Soon enough, Becky and Red fall asleep on the fifth movie titled "Lesbian Anal Rippers #45." At the end of the movie Red wakes up and walks out of the house towards the barn.

"I wonder what Jill is doing?" she asked herself.

As she approaches the barn, she can hear the bleating of sheep in pain.


Red runs and bursts open the barn doors. She catches a buck-naked Bo Peep violating Jill.

"Little Red!" shrieked Bubba.

"How could you?" cried Red. "How could you?"

The angry and teary-eyed Red runs away from the barn and back into the house. Becky wakes up and hears Red opening up the picnic basket meant for her fake grandmother and procures two Uzi submachine guns. After Red left the house with the guns, Becky walks over to look inside the basket and procures a plastic bag of marijuana-like leaves.

The mad Red makes it back to the barn and mows down Bo Beep and his sheep with her submachine guns.

"Little Red," gasped Bo Peep.

As Bo Beep fell to his death, that last thing he sees is Red's blood stained shirt that read "I'm an Angel, and I'll bust a cap on yo' ass!"

The furious Red drops to her knees breathing heavily. Becky arrives at the barn unfazed by the blood bath with the picnic basket under her arm.

"Geez, Red-Chan," said Becky as she scratches her wolf ears. "You should take it easy. If you want to be an assassin-mercenary like me, you really shouldn't kill people unless with great certainty they pose a threat to your life. Also, you don't kill your hostages, even if they are violated sheep. That kinda defeats the purpose of hostage rescue you know."

Red says nothing. Becky sighs and puts the basket on the ground next to her. She then rolls up the marijuana-like leaves that were in the plastic bag inside the basket.

"Here, smoke this," said Becky as she lights up the roll.

"Thanks," said Red.

Red puts the weed roll in her mouth and takes a puff. She starts to relax immediately. Seeing this, Becky takes the roll and inhales it very deeply.

"Whoa that is good shit," she said after exhaling.

Later, Becky and Red are inside Bo Peep's kitchen laughing the night away while smoking dope and devouring corn bread like there's no tomorrow.

"So, let me get this straight," said the stoned Becky, "you're supposed to give this to Grandma Little, I meant, Jackie Caps, so she can pay you and your folks, and then she would distribute them to other 'Little Reds' about the state?"

"Yep!" said the stoned Red. "Mama and papa are drug runners!"


"They also deal in 'special' liquor."

"Damn, we should go to your parents' and score some booze! Anyway, do we have any more cornbread?"

"Lemme check."

Red checks the pantry. It is empty.

"Oh damn," she laments. "We are so out!"

"Shit!" laments Becky. "I still have the munchies!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait--wait. Wait. I got an idea!"

"What is it baka Red-chan?"

"I'll tell you..."

Red leans in closer and whispers something very interesting.

Immediately afterwards, they had lamb chops and veal. Then they went to bed and made love.

At the next day, Becky wakes up nude alongside a naked Red on Bubba Bo Peep's bed. She puts on her baggy pants and clothes and looks outside the window. She sees a giraffe prancing around Bo Peep's barn. She shrugs and scratches one of her wolf ears.

The she realizes something; Becky goes back to the window and looks outside the window once more. She looks down and sees a pile of bloody human bones lying next to the garbage cans and the outhouse. Becky runs out the house and takes a closer look. The human bones are big.

Becky suddenly hears Red screaming. Red, dressed in an old nightgown, comes bursting out of the house in tears.

"Grandma!" she cried.

"Oh, what now?"

"I... I... I... I... realized that we ate Jill!"

"We did?"

Becky looks down at the pile of human bones. Then she clutches her stomach in pain.

"Oh shit," she said. "What the hell did we smoke?"

Red is still crying.

"I hate to break it to you, but we also ate Bubba."

Red is still crying.

"Aren't you gonna scream, 'Not bubba too'?"

Red is still crying.

"Damn--that Bubba is giving me indigestion."

Becky notices an awful stench coming from the outhouse. She and Red walk over to look inside. The outhouse is piled high in feces.

"Shit!" cried Becky as she covered her nose. "Did we make all this shit?"

Red is still crying. Maybe from the stench.

"Come on. We can't stay here for long."

So Becky and Red loaded the pumpkin-orange Volkswagen van with their belongings and some provisions on the road--as well as Bo Peep's entire entertainment system. And a box of lesbian porn.

As they got back on Highway 75, Red finally stops crying.

"Say, Grandma," Red started.


"I guess it was for the best that Jill didn't remain alive."

"She was gonna be eaten some day."

"But I will be content with the fact that she will be a part of me for the rest of my life."

"What about Bubba?"

"What about him?"

"The two of us ate him while we were trippin' out, remember?"

"Oh! Umm, did he taste good?"

An exasperated Becky sighs at her lover's denseness. "Anyway," she said, "are people in the south are all inbred farm animal fuckers?"

"Grandma, look!"

Becky looks down the highway to see a sign that reads, "You are now leaving Jack County." Underneath it is a cardboard sign with huge letters that reads "AKA Inbred Sheep-Fucker County."

"I rest my case," said Becky.

Chapter 3

Title: The Ginger Ale House

[Author's notes: The Gimp Gallery?  Hanson?]

Chapter 3: The Ginger Ale House

A large FBI unit swarms Bubba Bo Peep's farm. While they comb the area for evidence, one plucky agent takes it upon himself to tame the prancing giraffe.

The handsome Jonathan Dish and his equally hot partner Patrick Spoon overlook the scene by the outhouse and the garbage cans. A female agent appears and gives them an artist rendition of Becky and Red based on the eyewitness accounts of the "Bestiality Orgy Sect" barn far not far from here. On the drawing, Becky looks a little meaner and butcher, while Red looks younger and cuter.

"Fax this to the headquarters and put up a wanted poster once they are properly ID'd," Dish commanded to the female agent.

"Yes sir," she acknowledges.

"Apparently the buried human remains we recovered from the fields are that of Grandma Little, A.K.A. Jackie Caps," said Spoon.

"The granny drug runner, huh?" said Dish. "What about the bones?"

"Apparently those were of Bubba Bo Peep, real name Beau Pilkington. Charged with two counts of rape, one count of drug trafficking, one count of drug possession, and is suspected of numerous violations of the state's sodomy laws."

"And the stains in the bedroom matches the ones from last time?"

"Yes. We can assume that the two girls must have gotten a hold Caps' stash, shot and killed Bubba and his sheep, buried the old lady's remains, attacked the farm not from here, spent the night here having sex, and left with his home theater system that had a DVD player."

"That doesn't explain why Bubba's body is stripped down to the bones."

"That's what we are determining right now."

Spoon motions his head to the direction of smelly outhouse that is being cleaned up by the HAZMAT crew.

"And our toxicologist team has found residue of a smoked hallucinogenic cannabis inside the kitchen," he continued.

"Mr. Dish!" cried an agent from the SUV. "They've found the orange van!"


"Highway 75. The police are engaging in a pursuit as we speak."

At that point, the giraffe kicks the plucky FBI agent in the crotch.

At one side of Highway 75 is a dark forest. At the other side is farmland. On the highway itself is pumpkin-orange Volkswagen Van, despite its age, screams down as it flees a fleet of white police cars.

"This is why you should conserve your bullets baka Red-chan," complained wolf-eared Becky as she maintains control of the van. "We would stand a fighting chance if you didn't waste it on Bubba and his sheep!"

"Then what do we do now?" Red asked. Right now, she is wearing a t-shirt that read: I'm an Angel--I kill mean people!

Becky looks behind her at the entertainment system she had acquired from Bubba's. She lets out a deep sigh.

"I guess we have no other choice."

The rear doors of the van burst open. Red stands at the back tethered to the passenger seat as she awaits orders from Becky.

"Launch 180-watt Sony subwoofer!" yelled Becky.

"Launching 180-watt Sony subwoofer!" yelled Red.

Red chucks out the boxy black subwoofer unit at police cars. They all swerve to avoid it.

"Launch five speaker satellite system!" yelled Becky.

"Launching five speaker satellite system!"

Red dumps out of the box five coffee mug-sized speakers out of the van. The speakers hardly make a dent on the heat.

"Launch 5.1 Sony Dolby Digital surround sound receiver!"

"Launching 5.1 Sony Dolby Digital surround sound receiver!"

Red dumps the heavy receiver. It shatters before reaches the police cars.

"Launch 45 inch Mitsubishi large screen TV!"

"Launching 45 inch Mitsubishi large screen TV!"

With all her might, Red pushes the big screen out of the van. It crashes into one of the police cars, but they are still on their trail.

"Shit!" exclaimed Becky. "All right--unload the lesbian porno!"

"Unloading lesbian porno!" Becky acknowledges.

Red pours out the box of lesbian porn videos. The cops cars plow right throw them.

"Throw out the Panasonic VCR!"

Red throws the VCR. No go. It gets ran over.

"What now?" Red yelled.

Becky looks at the DVD player sitting comfortably on passenger seats. She sighs.

"All right," she said. "Gently drop the DVD player."

Red takes the DVD player and moves carefully it to the back of the van.

"DVD player gently being dropped," Red acknowledges. "Whoops!"

Red drops the DVD player. It bounces once and then slides to a halt.

The driver the head car of the police pursuit slams the brakes and stops right before the DVD player, causing the other cars behind him to stop.

The driver, Deputy Dick, bursts out of the police car to check on the DVD player. His partner, Deputy Dickie, gets out and shouts:

"What the hell did you stop for?"

"My wife needed a DVD player for her bert-day," pleaded Dick. "This one's a Pioneer!"

Seeing that they lost the heat, Becky and Red let out a big "Yeah!"

Then finally their van breaks down.

Becky slings her sword on her shoulder along with her pack, and Red places her picnic basket under her arm as she slings on her backpack. The two calmly walk out of the van and onto the side of the highway.

Then the van explodes in a fiery blaze. After taking one last look at a Volkswagen icon of the 60's, Becky and Red resumes walking.

"So where does your parents live?" Becky asked Red.

"If we turn on that dirt road, just about a couple of miles or so," she replied.

"Coolio. I sure could go for some cold ones."

Soon enough, they arrive at the Little Ranch. Becky and Red pass down a field growing somewhat familiar crops.

Those don't look like any ordinary marijuana plant, thought Becky.

Entering the two-story Little Residence, Becky drops her stuff and heads straight to the refrigerator.

"Mama! Papa!" Red yelled. "I'm home."

Blue Little gets off his plaid couch and goes over to embrace his daughter at the foyer.

"It's good to see you sweetie," he said.

"Papa, I brought Grandma home!"

Red points to Becky, who is raiding the refrigerator of its bottles of ginger ale.

"Hi Mr. Little," Becky greeted. "Now if you don't mind..."

Then suddenly, Becky is staring down the double-barrels of a shotgun held by Violet Little.

"Wow," said Becky. "Another lifetime member of the NRA."

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Violet.

"Mama, that's Grandma!" cried Red.

"I didn't ask you!"

"Well," Becky calmly said, "I am kinda like your daughter's..."

"Hands up! March into the bathroom!"

Becky complies. "Yes, ma'am."

Violet ties and binds Becky into the toilet seat.

"Don't you do anything or I'll kill you!" yelled Violet. "Understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied Becky.

Violet turns off the light in the bathroom and closes the door. Becky rotates herself on the toilet seat in order to make out what Violet is doing to Red. She hears yelling. Shouting. And a hard slap to the face. After the second slap, Becky could now hear the details of the conversation.

"You stupid wench!" Violet yelled. "You can't do anything right!"

"I'm sorry mama," Red apologized. "I'm sorry!"

"You lost $2000 worth of our plant, and now Beau and Jackie are dead!"

"I'm sorry!"

"You really shouldn't be giving her such complex jobs," pleaded Blue.

"Shut your mouth!" snapped Violet. "If this girl gonna stay here, she's gonna have to earn her keep!"

"What are you going to do about it?"

"She needs to be punished."

After that, silence. Becky sits uncomfortably on the toilet seat for hours, ever wanting to go the bathroom.

A clock strikes 8. Blue opens the bathroom door and turns on the lights. He holds a tray of containing two slices of wheat bread and water.

"Sir, I really need to go the bathroom," said Becky.

"My wife forbids me to untie you," said Blue.

"Look I won't do anything to hurt you. Just untie me, go outside, and when I'm done you can tie me up again."

"Are you sure?"

"Cross my heart, blah-blah-blah."

Blue unties Becky and goes outside the bathroom. Minutes later, he hears a flush. Blue reenters the bathroom to see Becky devouring the wheat bread slices and drinking the water.

"Do you have any cornbread?" she asked with a mouthful.

Blue obediently leads Becky to the kitchen where he serves cornbread, which is not as plump as Bubba Bo Peep's, but good nonetheless.

"How about a drink?" Beck asked. She motions her head to the huge rack of ginger ale.

"You don't want to drink that stuff," he replied.

"Why not?"

Blue does not say anything further. As Becky ate, Blue looks up to the ceiling as if he trails the creaks of footsteps. Then there is dull thud. It is now quiet.

"Go follow the path to the dark forest," he whispered. "I told Red to leave a bread crumb trail incase she ever gets lost."

"Thanks," said Becky as she finishes her last cornbread. She gets up and heads to the front door.

"Don't forget this," said Blue.

Blue tosses Becky her sheathed katana, the Shinseiki, and a flashlight. After catching it, Becky quickly runs out of the house and into the path of the dark forest. Becky turns on the flashlight and goes in following the breadcrumb trail.

Midway, Becky comes across a fork in the path. Before her is a fat brown pig munching on the breadcrumbs without giving notice to tall goth-chick standing before it.

"Oink," said the pig.

"Damn," said the Becky.

So Becky moves out of the pig's way and decides to drop to the ground and using her sense of smell, she inhales dust from the ground, and sneezes. That is when she realizes she doesn't have a super sense of smell.

What she does have however are good ears--four of them to be exact. Becky can pick up the sound of music--bad pop music--not far away. She immediately runs to the source and finds in the middle of a clearing a bar and a brewery that has the scent of ginger Ale. The bar and brewery's name is called "Greta's Ginger Ale House". Outside are parked various vehicles ranging from old Chevy and Ford trucks to Mercedes sedans and limousines. It also has an outdoor patio where the patrons could eat and drink under the skies, but tonight there is nobody outside. There are also outdoor speakers by the front entrance, and it is playing Hanson's latest song, "Mmm Bop".

Suddenly, she hears a repeat succession of plates, glassware, utensils, tables, chairs, and beer bottles crashing and breaking on the wooden floor. Anxious, Becky bursts into the bar to find that everything is order. There are no visible drunks or bar fights--just regular southerners and some northerners calmly enjoying themselves in drink, billiards, and spicy Buffalo wings--while listening to Hanson.

Becky hears a crash and looks to the barstool. She sees Red in a striped waitress apron bending over picking up the pile of shattered plates and glasses--by hand--and cutting herself in the process.

"That's the ninth set you've broken today!" yelled Lich the supervisor, who is a middle-aged brunette man with thinning hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Red apologized.

"At this rate, you'll be here for the entire week."

Becky marches towards Lich and stares straight into his eyes.

"Hey, don't yell at her like that," Becky said.

"Grandma!" Red greeted. Then she breaks another plate.

"Grandma?" said Lich. "You don't look that old."

"Why is Red doing this?" Becky asked.

"Because Violet Little requests us to make her work for the night. But ever since her daughter got here, she tripped and spilled ten barrels of out finest ginger ale, broke 20 bottles of our clients special wine, broke 99 bottles of beer, 100 plates, 75 glasses, destroyed the tap for the Budweiser fountain, ruined two tables and eight chairs, and rendered all of the jukebox CD's unplayable. All we have now is that crappy Hanson album!"

"Wow, she did this all in a couple of hours?"

"She just got here six minutes ago!"

"Oh. So how long does she have to stay?" Becky asked.

"About three days," replied Lich.

"Say, how about I volunteer my time in order to work off Red's debt to your establishment."

"Right now we can't accept any more employees."

Another crash! Red trips and breaks the legs of large table and thirty-two chairs. Lich looks at the disaster and thinks for a second.

"You know what," he said to Becky, "I'll hire you. Besides the work the boss wants you to do, you just have to keep your friend from breaking any more of our property."

"Okay!" said Becky.

"This way please."

"Red, don't do anything stupid."

"I won't Grandma!" said Red. She then trips and breaks a bottle of beer and five shot glasses.

Lich leads Becky through the door at the back of the bar, and through another door that is heavier than the first. Lich and Becky enter the part of the bar reserved for those with special pleasures.

Lich and Becky pass through a gallery of five masked male gimps above the floor by their hands. They scream through their mouth-gags at the new girl.

"Hey guys," Becky greeted to the gimps. "How's it hangin'?"

Angrily they scream at her more.

Past the gallery while following Lich, Becky goes down velvet-walled stalls where rich and not-so-rich clients engage in strip teases and lap dance sessions. But one that caught her eye is a rich middle-aged couple and younger man and young woman possibly their son and his wife, in a large private stall where they sat watching a leather-bound, blindfolded and gagged man and woman engaging in watersports on each other.

"This way," interrupts Lich.

Becky goes through the door and into a posh office occupied by a swank fifty-something southerner in a light blue suit sitting behind his expensive wooden desk smoking his thin cigar. To the side of him stands a regular thirty-something thug in a black suit and tie.

Lich leaves the office and shuts the door. Becky now stands face to face to the man known as boss.

"Sit young lady."

Becky sits on the guest chair.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Rebecca Wolfe," she replied.

"As in Becky the Berserker?" said the man. "The Merciless Mercenary? The Assassin Saint?"


The boss looks at the sheathed sword Beck is holding on to. Then he pans up and sets his sights on the two wolf ears on her head.

"Whether or not you're the real thing, spreading rumors that the legendary Rebecca Wolfe might scare off my enemies for a while," he said.

"To whom am I working for?' Becky asked.

"Jeremy Wiss, the owner of Greta's Ginger Ale House."

"What's the job?"

"Oh, nothing special really," said Wiss. "All you have to do cut down some trees for firewood and guard my place during business hours."

"And we get to be released in one-and-a-half days?"

"If my associate Lich says so."

"Very well then."

Becky gets up and heads for the door.

"And one more thing," Wiss interrupted.


"Don't wander around the brewery too much. Lich gets irritable when outsiders gawk at the brewery process."


Becky is led back to the bar where she walks in at another accident during closing time. Red lays sprawled across the floor surrounded by broken plates and spirits.

"That's now two-and-a-half days for the both of you!" yelled Lich. "Starting tomorrow!"

"What?" gasped Becky.

"No complaining! We've lost over three-thousand dollars because of this girl!"

"I'm sorry," Red apologized.

"Oh, jeez." laments Becky.

On that night, Lich leads Becky and Red to the outlying tool shed where they are to sleep. Red, since she is so cute, is given a pink sleeping bag, whereas Becky, since she is so tough, is given a comforter sheet and a blanket.

Becky could not sleep. She looked over to Red who is sleeping on her side.

"Hey Red-chan," said Becky. "Are you awake?"

"Hm? What is it?" replied Red.

"I was just thinking that we might have to stay here for a while in order to avoid the heat despite that we have to work degrading jobs in a degrading place that hosts watersport parties. So I want you to watch out for yourself in front of Wiss and his men."

"Wiss likes to pee in mama's mouth."

"Errr, well put Red-chan."

Becky shivers.

"Damn it's cold."

"Do want to inside my sleeping bag?" Red asked. "I think there's room for two of us."


Becky leaps out of her blanket and comforter and digs herself into Red's sleeping bag. Their bodies are mashed together and they cannot move around.

"Grandma, why are being so nice to me?" Red asked.

"Well," started Becky, "I can sense that you're really a nice kid despite your tendencies to go gun-crazy. I also have a feeling that you're being manipulated by shady people. So I want to protect you."

"So you love me?"

"Actually, the real reason is because you're sooooo good in bed."

"You're so sweet Grandma," giggled Red.

"You really oughta stop calling me grandma. You're ruining the moment."

Despite that ruined moment, Becky and Red made out as best as they can inside the pink sleeping bag.

In the next morning before work, Becky did her routine of stretches and martial arts practices in front of the tool shed. At the end of her practice, she hears a loud crash coming from inside the shed.

"She's awake," she said.

The tool shed door opens. Red stumbles out with a bunch of garden tools behind her.

As Red prepared Greta's Ginger Ale House for opening, Becky's initial job is to cut down the forest before the front entrance. Using her Shinseiki, she unleashes a powerful wave (the secret technique Wolf's Nail Wave) that leveled a good number of trees.

Becky makes a startling discovery that the forest wasn't really much of a forest, and that the path she took last night circled around. She discovers that the Little's residence and the Ginger Ale House are about three stone throws away from each other.

"What the hell?" she exclaimed.

In the wake of the fallen trees is the fat brown pig Becky met a while back. It wakes from its sleep, looks at her, and says, "Oink."

"Stupid bitch!" yelled a familiar voice.

Rising from the fallen trees is the dirtied Violet Little.

"Crap, I missed," said Becky.

"You almost killed me you stupid lesbo!"

"We 'lesbians' prefer to be called tribades in respect for the people of the island of Lesbos..."


"Violet, is that you?" said Lich.

Becky turns around and sees Lich walking towards Violet.

"Oh, hey Lich," Violet greeted. "I was just checking up on little Red."

"Your dumb daughter wrecked 40,000 dollars worth of our drinks and equipment as of today," said Lich.

"What a dumb bitch."

"Of course, you still owe us for the numerous botched deals because of her."

"Are you suggesting that you should keep her?"

"Perhaps," Lich shrugs.

"Go ahead keep her," said Violet. "Use her as part of the brewery process for all I care."

"Excuse me," said Becky.

"What the hell are you still doing here?"

"This is Rebecca Wolfe," said Lich.

"You really shouldn't be talking about your daughter like that," said Becky.

"Red? She's not my daughter." Violet waves goodbye to Lich. "See you later Lich. Tell Jeremy hello and that I'll come back for a private session."

Violet walks back to her house.

"What do you mean Red's not her daughter?" Becky asks Lich.

"That's none of your business," replied Lich. "Now get dressed. We're about to open soon."

Suddenly, they hear a crash. Becky and Lich look over and see that somehow Red broke a window.

"That's five days now!" he yells.

Becky sighs. It's gonna be a long week, she thought.

In the next couple of days, Becky worked as a woodcutter, bouncer, and overall bodyguard while Red worked as a janitor/waitress. Everyday, people of all walks of life from different classes and different races arrive to dine and drink at the Ginger Ale House. Becky keeps a keen eye on Red, who is unknowingly receiving stares from dirty old men. At the same time Becky tries to concentrate on her work as the patrons' daughters, young girls, and dirty old women constantly hit on her. Occasionally, Becky would help out in the Watersport Lounge with cleaning and moving. She never goes down the Gimp Gallery without saying to the hanging gimps, "How's it hangin'?" Becky never gave any thought who the gagged male gimps were, whether they rotated shifts or if they hung there for quite a while.

Unfortunately, the debt to Lich and Wiss keeps on mounting up as Red keeps on breaking things and spilling ale and other alcoholic beverages. At this rate, they will be staying for a year.

The worst part of the job is that the Ginger Ale House is away from major radio stations. Because of that, they are forced to play Hanson from opening to closing time in the 400-CD jukebox. This irritated Becky so much that she almost wished the latest Britney Spears single was playing.

One night, Becky spots a well to do drunken New Yorker patting Red's butt. The pat threw Red off balance, causing her to tumble and drop the tray of drinks. Becky immediately grabbed the New Yorker and threw him out of the bar. Her throwing distance has been increasing ever since she started work. If she worked long enough, she might be able to chuck a man all the way to the Little residence.

"What did you just do?" Lich demanded. "That man is an important chairman from Beane-Stark Media Corporation!"

"He caused Red to fall," replied Becky.

"That's her problem, not his!"


Becky brushes past Lich and resumes her guard duty.

There are days when a crazy old man named Green Soybean burst into the Ginger Ale House screaming, "Don't drink the ale!"

"Why?" a patron would ask.

"'Cause they're made out of people I tell you! People!"

"This again," groaned Becky.

Thus, she is forced to chuck him high into the air and out of the bar.

Sometimes, Green's loud accusations would start off from "Don't eat the fried chicken!" or "Don't drink the water!", and they will always end with "'Cause they're made of people!" The latest incident involving Green was that he accused the Ginger Ale House that the peppermints were made out of people. Becky wouldn't be surprised if peppermints were made of people. She also wondered why Green hasn't been put into an insane asylum.

Everyday, Lich warns Red and Becky not to enter the brewery. Curious, Becky inquires the gagged male gimps at the Gimp Gallery, but to no avail.

"Really?" said Becky. "You don't say?"

"Hey Becky!" Lich yelled.

Becky turns to Lich's direction.

"Quit talking to the gimps and help me move these barrels!"

"What barrels?"

Lich points to a line of barrels against the wall of a narrow hall that Beck did not notice from before. At the end of a narrow hall is a non-descript door.

"What's behind that door?" Becky asked.

"Get moving!"

"All right, all right."

So Becky transferred barrels of ginger ale to the storage cellar at the other side of the Gimp Gallery. After the fifth barrel, she looks and sees that the coast is clear. She sprints down the narrow way bursts through the non-descript door. She finally discovers the infamous brewery.

A guard standing nearby notices Becky gawking at the distillers.

"Hey!" he yells. "What are you doing here?"

Becky punches the guard out and goes on a personal tour.

"There's nothing illegal about this operation," she said to herself.

Then she discovers up on that catwalks gagged men and women in bondage gear peeing on troughs that ran down into the distillers.

"You've got to be kidding me," she exclaims to herself. "This is what Wiss and Lich are hiding?"

The wolf ears on Becky's head twitch. A bullet strikes a distiller next to her. Becky turns and sees Lich and two other thugs with their pistols aimed at her.

"I thought I told you to stay out of the brewery!" screams Lich.

Becky runs and avoids more gunshots through the maze of distillers and barrels of tainted ginger ale.

"Shit, I left my sword at the tool shed!" she said.

She finds an exit door, runs out of the brewery and goes into the tool shed. Lich and his two guards surround the tool shed.

"Get out of there, woman!" he yells.

"Fuck you!" Becky yells back. She quickly unsheathes the Shinseiki and stands beside the door.

"I'm giving you the count of one to get out!"

Before Lich could form the "O" in one, Becky bursts out of the she and quickly slices down and kills the two guards and Lich.

With a bloodied katana, Becky runs around and towards the front of the Ginger Ale house while ignoring the stares of the patrons dining outside. She enters in the middle of the ramblings of Green Soybean, who is harassing a tanned blonde couple from California.

"I'm telling you that latex condoms are made out of people!" he cried. "People!"

"Will you shut up!" yells Becky. She then grabs him by the collar and throws him out of the bar.

She hears a crash. Becky looks over and sees that Red has once again tripped and broke ten bottles of beer on the floor.

"That's the tenth time today!" yelled the bartender.

Becky walks over, punches the bartender unconscious, and helps Red back to her feet.

"We've got to get out of here," said Becky.

"But I have to clean up this mess," said Red as she picks up the pieces of the broken bottles.

An angry Wiss and a group of armed guards storms the bar and dining area. The scared patrons jump from their chairs and run out of the Ginger Ale House.

"Kill them!" Wiss orders.

They shoot. Becky ducks under the table while Red stands in the middle of the gunfire picking up the beer bottles off the table. One of the bullets shatters the bottle, but miraculously, Red has not been shot yet.

"Waaaah!" she cried. "I broke another bottle of beer!"

Becky pulls Red down as more bullets fly to their direction.

"Real smart, Becky," Becky said to herself. "You just had to choose the sword to defend yourself."

"Grandma?" said Red.

"Stay down. I'll get us out of this."

Becky leaps from under the table and takes out two armed guards in one swipe. She then commences to slice up more guards until one of them blasts her with a shotgun. Becky avoids the full force of the shells, but falls from a stray bullet.



Red sees the two pistols on the floor picks them both up. She rises slowly from hiding and faces her assailants with a menacing glare.

"No one..." she said, "no one hurts my Grandma!"

At that moment, the Hanson album in the 400-CD jukebox swells at its loudest volume in the main melody of "Mmm Bop."

Red takes down eights guards with the remaining eight bullets left in the handguns. She turns and spots a guard ready to blast with a shotgun. Red quickly throws one of her pistols like a boomerang and hits the guard with the shotgun. She quickly runs towards him, whacks her with her remaining pistol, snatches the shotgun off his hands, and blasts him point-blank in the head.

Becky is amazed by this sudden display of skill coming from Red, which now justifies that T-Shirt she is wearing right now--I'm an Angel--I kill mean people!

"You're good," commented Becky.

"What the hell is wrong with you fools?" barks Wiss. "They're just two girls!"

The remaining guards aim their guns at Red. Red quickly shoots every one of them dead with her shotgun and other guns she acquires from the ground.

Becky sees a frantic Wiss escaping into the kitchen. She gets up and runs after him. Inside the kitchen, Becky sees that Wiss is hiding somewhere.

Wiss leaps in brandishing a cleaver against Becky. Becky blocks the attack with her Shinseiki, and proceeds to lob his hand holding the cleaver off in one stroke. Writhing in pain, Wiss backs away into the ovens while clutching his bloodied wrist-stump.

"I have a rule that I only kill people that pose a definite threat to my life," said Becky as she walks towards the wounded Wiss. "So tell me, are you one of those people?"

"Fuck you bitch!" exclaims Wiss.

"Wrong answer."

Becky executes him in one stroke of her sword.

She returns to the bar and dining area to see Red scratching her head with a pistol at the corpses of Wiss's men lying about.

"Are you okay?" Becky asked her.

"What just happened?" Red asked back.

"You've wasted about twenty men without wasting a bullet."

"I did?"

"Don't you remember?"

"Not really."

Becky sighs. "Come on then."

Becky and Red step outside of Greta's Ginger Ale House. All the cars, trucks, and limousines that were parked out in the front of the establishment are now gone. All that is left are swirls of tire marks.

"Shit! The no-tip bastards didn't leave us a car!" exclaims Becky.

"We can use the car papa has," suggested Red.

"It better not be pumpkin-orange--or at least not a Volkswagen!"

So Becky and Red hop and skip over the tree stumps that lay between the Ginger Ale House and the Little residence. Becky breaks open the front door of the Little's house and Violet stands before them with a familiar double-barreled shotgun aimed at Becky's head.

"Don't you move you fucking lesbo!" says Violet.

A gunshot. Violet's eyes roll back as she drops to the floor bleeding from the chest. Becky and Red look over to see Blue holding a pistol he had just fired.

"Take what you need and get out of here," he said. Blue tosses to Becky the keys to his car.

"Thanks man," said Becky. "I'd like to repay you, but..."

"You have to hurry. The police and the FBI will be over here in any minute."

"All right."

Becky heads straight to the kitchen and raids the cabinets and refrigerator of its cornbread and alcohol.

"Wait a minute, Red dear," said Blue.

Red turns and sees Blue handing her a polished wooden shoebox.

"What is this papa?" she asked innocently.

"I'm not your real papa," said Blue. "But when you find the other half of this, you'll know why you were sent here."


"Reff-chan!" yelled Becky, who has a cornbread in her mouth. She steps out of the kitchen holding the Shinseiki, two six-packs of beer, a bottle of whiskey, and bag of cornbread under her arms.

"Weef got to get the hell out of here!"

"Go," said Blue.

"I won't forget you papa," said Red.

Red follows Becky into the garage while waving goodbye to her foster father.

The garage doors burst open as Becky and Red drive away in a vintage Mustang painted in pumpkin orange. Red looks back as the Little's residence and farm fade away as the car merges back onto Highway 75.

"Papa," said Red.

"You know that he's not your father," said Becky as she kept her eyes on the road. "You're not that dense."

"I know."

Red relaxes onto her seat and takes a quick peek in the wooden shoebox Blue gave her. Inside surrounded by red silt padding is a glass slipper. She immediately closes it when Becky glances over.

"So where will we go now, Grandma?" Red suddenly asked.

"Nashville," replied Becky.

Chapter 4

Title: The Three Biggs

[Author's notes: Humpty-Hump's prosthetic nose? Somebody's in denial!]

Chapter 4: The Three Biggs

Head FBI agents Jonathan Dish and Patrick Spoon find themselves in a weirder scene than ever before.

When they arrived inside Greta's Ginger Ale House, the bar and restaurant is littered with the bodies of nameless thugs who wielded various firearms.

Inside the kitchen they find the chopped-up remains of Jeremy Wiss.

Then Dish and Spoon go into the Gimp Gallery and sees the hanging male gimps.

"How's it hangin'?" Spoon waved to them.

The hanging gimps screamed through their gagged mouths.

So Dish and Spoon set all the gimps free in the Ginger Ale House and had them march out in a line. They did not remove all the bondage gear for fear of infection. That is why they called in the HAZMAT medical team.

They walk past the Watersports Lounge. Dish and Spoon cover their noses because it smells nasty.

They enter the brewery where other agents are combing scene for anything suspicious.

"Why does it smell here?" Dish asked.

"Besides the Gimp Gallery and Watersport Lounge, this place also made ginger ale out of urine."

"Why would they do that?"

"Beats me."

Dish and Spoon then walk around the brewery and approach a taped-off tool shed. Not far from them sleeps a fat brown big surrounded by a tape barrier and a marker.

"So what did you find here?" inquired Dish.

"The stains that were found in Jackie Caps and Beau Pilkington's houses have also been found here in a pink sleeping bag," replied Spoon.

Dish turns his head to the house overlooking a field growing hallucinogenic cannabis.

"And what about that house?"

"The owners of that house it turns out were business partners with Wiss and Lich. The body of the woman we found over there is that of Violet Little, who was suspected of extortion, drug trafficking, and drug manufacturing. The farms our men are combing over are growing potent hallucinogenic cannabis, which she would sell in order to pay her debt to Wiss.

"Violet died of a gunshot wound by her husband, Blue Little, who then turned the gun on himself. Apparently, they had an adopted daughter, who is missing as of this moment. That daughter was the same girl identified next to Bo Peep's, I mean Beau Pilkington's place."

Dish and Spoon suddenly hears a commotion from the front. They look over to see a group of FBI agents trying to calm down Green Soybean.

"I'm telling you AOL CDs are made out of people," screamed Green, "people!"

"Who is that man?" asked Dish.

The fat brown pig wakes up, walks over and urinates on Dish's leg.

"Oink," said the pig.

"Damn," said the Dish.

Becky and Red arrive at Nashville in their pumpkin-orange 70's Mustang. Well, not exactly the familiar part of Nashville, but rather a faraway part where the inner city and the suburbs meet.

"Red," said Becky as she drove. "Turn on the radio."


Red turns on the analog dials of the car radio. Hanson's latest single turns up.

"Another station," said Becky. "I'm so tired of that song that I want drive corkscrews into my ear."

Red tunes the dial again. Britney Spears' latest single turns up.

"Oh, my favorite song!" squealed Red.

"Fine, leave it there," sighs Becky. She made sure to put the name of the radio station and its owner, the Beane-Stark Media Corporation, on the list of entities that piss her off.

At the end of the somewhat annoying song, Becky and Red park within the vicinity of the Straw House. Well, it's not exactly a house made of straw. Apparently, the quaint little modern one-story house is situated underneath a huge tree that shed straw-like branches every fall. The reason it is called the Straw House is because the owner apparently does not clean the roof and yard from the "straws."

"Whose place is this Grandma?" Red asked as she and Becky got out of the car.

"This is where my old college roommate, Jean Owen Biggs, lives," replied Becky.

Becky buzzes the buzzing doorbell after she and Red arrive on the porch.

Jean Owen Biggs, a shapely and pretty young black woman with permed brown hair, hears the buzz from her doorbell as she peels a special hair removal tape off her chin inside her bathroom.

"Stupid hairs," she grumbled. "Growing on my chinny-chin-chin."

The frequency of the buzzing increases.

"All right, I'm coming!"

Jean heads over to peer through the peephole on the door.

"Oh shit!" she screamed.

"Jean?" said Becky. "Is that you?"

Jean starts to walk away quietly to the 900Mhz cordless phone.

"I know you're in there," Becky continued. "Let us in!"

"No way!" screamed Jean.

"Aw come on. I'll blow you."

Jean reaches for the phone. "I'm not a lesbian!"

"Female homosexuals prefer to be called tribades. We don't want to offend the people of Lesbos, you know."

"Go away!"

"Please?" Becky begged.

"I'm gonna call the cops!"

Jean pretends to dial hoping that Becky and Red would go away. She walks back to the door and looks through the peephole. They are gone. She then breathes a sigh of relief.

"Man, it's nice to get out of these dirty panties once in a while," said a voice from behind.

Jean jumps and turns to see Becky in the kitchen raiding the fridge. Becky is without pants and without panties.

"How the hell did you get in?" demanded Jean.

"Back door was unlocked," replied Becky. "And you really should clean the roof and yard from all that straw. It kinda makes this house look ghetto."

Jean is about to blow her top off.

"Say Jean, do you have any whiskey or maybe some cornbread?" asked Becky.

"Do you think I'm some kind of southern hick? And put your pants back on this instant!"

"Grandma!" Red cried as she enters the kitchen wearing a t-shirt that reads I'm an Angel--I blow things up. She too is pants-less and panty-less.

"I left the guns and my picnic basket in laundry room," Red continued. "Is that okay?"

"Sure," said Becky.

"Who the hell is this girl?" Jean demanded. "And why is she not wearing panties either?"

"She's my girlfriend, Red Little. Say hi Red."

"Hi Red!" greeted Red.

Jean attempts to push Becky out, but she could not.

"Get out," she growled.

"You haven't changed, haven't you," said Becky.

Realizing that she is groping her former roommate, a blushing Jean lets go and turns away from her.

"I'm not a lesbian," said Jean.

"Tribade," Becky corrected.


"You're just in denial."

"No I'm not!"

Becky walks over and puts her arm over Jean's shoulders.

"Come on Jean," pleaded Becky. "We're best friends right? Can't let us stay here for a while?"

Jean's heart beats rapidly and rapidly. She cannot deny her attraction to Becky and thus completely gives in to her demands.

"Okay," said Jean. "But just for tonight--and one night only!"

"All right!" Becky yelled. "Drinks are on Jean!"

"Yippie!" yelled Red.

"What the hell did I just say?" Jean asked herself.

Becky and Red spent the entire day pants-less and panty-less drinking away with Jean--who was drinking to ease her neurosis. Red offered to cook that night, but the method is quite unorthodox.

To open the can of spaghetti sauce, Red used a Berretta pistol. The sounds of the gunshots scare the shit out Jean, who is sorting out her taxes.

"What are you doing?" yelled Jean.

"Opening these cans," Red innocently replied.

"With a 9mm?"

For dinner, they had spaghetti and a salad. As Jean ate, she bites on something hard and spits it out.

"My mouth!" she cried.

"Something wrong with my cooking?" asked Red.

"There are shotgun shells in the salad!" exclaims Jean.

Becky and Red look at the salad. Indeed there are spent bullet shells in there.

"Baka Red-chan," said Becky. "You can't make a salad with a 12-guage shotgun."

"I'm sorry," apologizes Red.

"Well, we can't let this food go to waste."

Becky digs in.

"What? Aren't you mad or something?" cried Jean.

"What do you mean?" said Becky. "The food has a nice gunpowdery taste."

"You're girlfriend is a gun-totting idiot!"

"Your food's getting cold."

"Are you listening to me?"

"Jean, you should relax."

"How can I relax with you coming in and screwing up my life? Isn't your first rule that you don't like people that are trying to kill you or who really piss you off? Well, I'm trying to really piss you off!"

"Jean, I can never hate you. And besides, I only kill those who pose a definite threat to my life. That is Becky's 1st rule in assassin-mercenary methodology."

When they went to bed Becky and Red's late night sex romp kept Jean up all night. The most disturbing part is that Red kept on yelling "Grandma" as she and Becky climaxed over and over...

On the next day, a drowsy Jean drives for miles to work at Best Buy in her Nissan Maxima. She works at the electronics department selling DVD players while trying to con buyers into buying extended (store) warranties that they don't really need. Ever since she started working there, she's been eyeing a keen Sony laptop that has an integrated digital camera on it.

"Just a couple warranty sales and it will be mine," the neurotic Jean tells herself as she drives home from her day at work.

From afar, she sees smoke rising from her neighborhood. Jean speeds up her Maxima and arrives to see that her Straw House is blown up.

"What the hell happened?" she gasped.

Becky and Red arise from the rubble of the Straw House. They are a little scorched, but they seem perfectly fine.

"This is why you shouldn't cook chicken with a rocket launcher," said Becky as she brushes the ash out of her wolf ears.

"I'm sorry," said Red.

"Oh, Jean's here."

"Hi Jean!"

"My house," growls Jean.

"Sorry about that," Becky said.

Jean floors the accelerator and drives away from the scene.

She then drives into a mature neighborhood and arrives House of Sticks. Well, the one story house really isn't made of sticks. Rather, the house is so named because there are sticks of various types and sizes planted on the lawn and hanging from the roof.

"Gene and her weird hobbies," mumbled Jean as she gets out of her Maxima and heads over to the door of the House of Sticks.

She rings the doorbell. Instead of a bell, there is a sound of crashing waves that sound like a toilet flushing. Answering the door is a very laid back and often dazed black woman with blonde hair Gene Duo Biggs, Jean's older sister and local celebrity artist.

"Oh, it's you Jean-chan," Gene calmly greeted.

"Gene, you have to let me stay," said Jean.

"You know you can always stay here Jean-chan."

Jean enters the house and closes the door. Inside, she sees that the living room is filled with wicker couches and other new age and nature material.

"Would you stop calling me Jean-chan?" said Jean.

"But you are my little sis, Jean-chan," said Gene.

"Why do I even bother?"

They hear the doorbell.

"Why does the doorbell sound like a flushing toilet?" said an innocent voice from behind the door.

"That's Gene for you," said a gruff female voice.

"Ooh, Becky-chan is here!" cried Gene.

"No!" cried Jean. "Don't answer it!"


"She's gonna blow up your house!"

"She is?"

"She already blew mine up!"

"Did you like it?"


"When she blew you."

"Are you stoned?"

"It's hemp and incense."

"Gene," Becky cried as she pushes the crashing waves/flushing toilet doorbell. "Let me in. I'll blow you."

"Oh!" said Gene. "Don't mind if I do."

"No!" Jean cried again.

She stops Gene before she reaches the door.

"I'm telling you for the last time," started Jean. "DO--NOT--LET--HER--IN!"

"They're gone," Gene dully said.

Jean looks through the peephole. Becky and Red are gone.

"They're gone," said Jean. "They're gone."

She then checks the windows to see if they're not hiding. She starts smiling.

"They're gone," repeats Jean.

"That's too bad," said Gene.

"Thank God."

Jean starts to relax on the wicker couch.

"My house," she laments. "My house has blown up. And I just paid the insurance off."

Jean turns around. Gene is gone.

"Gene? Where are you?"

Suddenly Becky and Red appear from the hallway without pants or panties.

"Hey Jean," said Becky.

"Hi Jean," greeted Red.

"What the?" screamed Jean. "How'd you get in here?"

"Gene let us in through the back," answered Becky.


"This is so great," said Gene who follows into the living room after Becky and Red. "This will be like last time!"

"Gene, how could you?" cried Jean as she jumps off her couch. She discovers that her older sister is without pants and panties.

"What the? Where are your panties?"

"In the laundry," said Gene.

Agents Dish and Spoon finally arrive at Nashville in their black government-issued Ford Taurus sedan (Dish is driving). Well, not the familiar part, but the part where the inner city meets the suburbs.

"What a day," said Spoon. "I just want to go back to the hotel and relax."

"Me too."

"Hey, maybe we should stop by a bar."

"We just passed one."

"No, not that one."

"How about that one?"

"Not that one either."

"This street is littered with bars. Which one are you looking for in particular?"


"Hey look at that!"

Dish and Spoon see a plume of black smoke coming from a neighborhood. They decide to drive by and take a quick look. It is the ruins of the Straw House surrounded by police, firefighters, and gawkers.

"What happened here?" asked Spoon. "It looks like a rocket launcher hit that thing."

"We'll let them handle it," said Dish.

They drive away.

"Hey what about that bar?" Spoon points.

Dish looks. He quickly sees an upside-down equilateral striped rainbow triangle.

"That's a gay bar," replied Dish.

"Um, never mind," blushed Spoon.

The two remained silent for the remainder of the ride.

At the House of Sticks, the pants-less and panty-less Becky, Red, and Gene party on with beer and incense, while the covered Jean sulks on the whicker couch and tries to ignore the three by staring at exquisitely framed picture of a black woman's pinky going up a white woman's nostril hanging on the wall. Jean shakes her head and then turns her attention to a banner art of a white woman bending over to sniff a black woman's butt, while the black woman bends over to sniff a white woman's butt, etc. Jean thought that was disturbing, so she turns her attention to a series of portraits. One is a painting of a heavily face-veiled but naked obese man titled "Fat Prophet Muhammad." Another is a painting of an a bearded Chinese man holding the Ten Commandments titled "Transvestite Chinese Moses." Another is a painting of bald white male in straitjacket meditating peacefully on wheelchair titled "Deranged Crippled Buddha." Another is a painting of a Blue Man from the Blue Man group with only one arm holding a six-shooter titled "One Armed Vishnu." The last, and probably the most controversial, was a self-portrait of Gene in a flowing robe with a halo surrounding her head titled "Black Female Jesus." Is Gene planning to create politically correct superhero team like the Justice League or the Power Rangers? Or is she trying to anger all the followers of the world's major religions so much so that they will suffer collective and religious aneurisms?

Jean hears a gunshot. She jumps and takes cover on Gene's Native American rug.

"That's one way to open up a bottle of Pace salsa," noted Gene.

Gene, Becky, and Red stare at a mess of broken glass and splattered salsa made with a Jericho 941 pistol.

"Really baka Red-chan," lectured Becky. "You really have to work on conserving your bullets."

"Is that why you use a sword?" asked Gene.

"I use a sword so I don't have to waste my money on bullets. It's a personal preference really."

Red puts on the kitchen counter a can of refried beans and aims her gun at it.

"Wait, I'll take care of this," said Becky.

Becky takes out he Shinseiki and raises it high in the air and yells, "Secret technique Howling Moon Slash!"

Becky slices the can--and the water faucet. Water explodes from the sink.

"Sorry about the Gene."

"It's cool," smiled Gene.

For dinner, they eat homemade tacos, fajitas, and Mexican salad. Jean stares at her bowl of salad and counts about ten spent bullet shells. She looks up and sees the other three eating their food gleefully while spitting out the bullet shells like watermelon seeds onto a bowl.

Later, they start playing a game of Pictionary. Jean is dead last on the board while Red is pulling way ahead of the others. It is Red's turn and she finally starts drawing her picture.

"It's a nasty ink blot," said Becky.

"It's a moth," said Jean.

"It's the representation of a young girl's virginity betrayed by a prince of a faraway land," started Gene, "who in turn had promised her to be a princess, but was betrayed by a jealous queen, who, as it later turned out, did not fall for the prince, but for the princess, thus involving an entire Kingdom in the greatest political scandal in the world."

Jean stares at her sister.

"What the hell was that?" asked Jean.

"My response," answered Gene.

"So what is it Red-chan?" Becky asked.

"It's a lily!" Red announced.

"Um, yeah, I was gonna something close to that."

"I was inspired by your pussy, Grandma."

"That did not sound right."

"I can't believe this!" cried Jean. "What is wrong with you three? You are an idiotic gun-totting red-head cracker, you're a destructive wolf-eared goth-mercenary-assassin from the Mediterranean, and my sister is nothing but a hemp-smoking artist!"

"Here," said Gene as she offers Jean Red's special hallucinogenic cannabis, "have some of this.

"I'm not a drug user, remember?"

"You're in denial."

"Why does everyone say that?"

"Say, Becky-chan. How did your Second Rule go?"

"My second rule?" said Becky. "Oh yeah! My Second Rule is 'Always try to be relaxed'."

"Yeah Jean-chan. You should try relaxing more."

"How can I relax with you weirdoes ruining my life?" cried Jean.

"What do you mean?" asked Becky.

"Remember the time at college where you blew up the university dorms at San Antonio?"

"Yeah, I had to fight off the Colombian drug cartel who had invaded the city."

"That's not the point! I lost my thesis and years worth of my professor's anthropological data at that incident!"

"But wasn't it you who set the dorms on fire because your boyfriend cheated on you and you initial planned to burn his dorm room but ended taking out the entire building? And after that you came running to me crying and then we had wild sex that night?"

"I remember that," said Gene. "I was there watching and recorded it on videotape at your request."

"That never happened!" cried Jean. "You two were probably stoned or something."

"Can't be," said Becky. "I remember things in full detail when I was stoned. We did a '69' sixty-nine times that night."

"No! That never happened!"

"Mama occasionally likes to pee in Wiss and Lich's mouth," said Red.

"Really?" said Gene.

"That's...nice to hear," said Becky.

"This can't get any worse," laments Jean.

On that night, Becky and Red sleep in Gene's guest room, while Jean sleeps with Gene in the master bedroom.

Although the sex romp between Becky and Red would keep Jean awake, Gene's master bedroom is downright creepy. It has four tiki statues on each corner, a fearsome totem pole, a black mirror, and countless dream catchers hanging from the ceiling.

Jean hits Gene just as Red screams out 'Grandma' at her orgasm with Becky.

"Hey," she whispered.

"Huh," said Gene.

"You got to do something to them."


Gene gets out of bed. Jean didn't realize until now that she is buck-naked.

Gene heads over to guest bedroom in order to deal with the couple. Jean pulls the sheets over her chest as she listens in on their conversation.

"Hey Gene," said Becky. "You wanna join?"

"Sure," replied Gene.

"Yay!" cried Red.

Jean hears Gene jumping on the guest bedroom bed. Becky, Red, and Gene commence their threesome at the remainder of the night. Jean lays on the bed covering her ears with the hard and crunchy buckwheat pillows.

In the next morning, a drowsy Jean walks past the guest room glaring at the girls, who are contently sleeping in each other's arms. She also notices a couple of bongs and beer bottles on the floor. It must have been a wild night.

At work in Best Buy, Jean drools before the petite Sony laptop she had always wanted. Then she lumbers back to her department and tries to push down to the buyers more useless extended warranties for DVD players.

She finally arrives home in her Nissan Maxima and discovers that Gene's house is still intact. Jean makes a smile and starts chuckling.

"Heh," she said. "Maybe the stupid jinx has worn off."

Boom! The house explodes. Jean's jaw drops in astonishment as the debris, most of which are sticks Gene had collected, falls to the ground burning.

"Aww, shit!" she yelled.

Becky and Red climb out of the rubble. They are unharmed but a little scorched.

"Baka Red-chan," started Becky. "An Uzi submachine gun is no substitute for a Phillips screwdriver."

"I'm sorry," said Red.

"Gene!" cried Jean.

A dazed Gene climbs out of the rubble. She is also unharmed, but a little scorched as well.

"What happened?" she asked.

"We tried to repair your heater," replied Becky.

"Oh," said Gene, as if she finally realized that she had a heater. "It's okay."

Jean jumps out of the car, takes Gene by the hand and puts in the passenger seat of the Nissan Maxima. Jean and her sister drive away.

"Bye you guys," waves Gene.

"Bye," waves Red.

As they drove, Jean starts to lecture at the still-dazed Gene.

"I told you they were gonna blow up your house," told Jean.

"Oh," said Gene. "Okay."

"Aren't you mad about it?"

"Should I?"

"That Becky and her lesbian friend--"


"Whatever. Anyway, do you realize that not only they destroyed your house, but also destroyed artwork and your photographs?"

"I can always make new ones."

"But it took you years to make those!"

"It's okay. You know, I look at this as interesting change in my life, as if I am caterpillar becoming a butterfly--or a tadpole morphing into a frog--or a maggot becoming a fruit fly. The art I made and kept were essentially weighing me down distorted memories and lowered expectations. I realize before hand that what is really precious to me is that I still retain the experience in creating masterpieces, thus I may be able to grow and improve on my skills. I don't expect my art to last forever, nor does my house for you see..."

"We're here already."


Jean stops the car in the front gate of a large brick house in a rich neighborhood. She rolls down the window and pushes on the intercom button.

Inside the Brick Mansion, Shania Fau Biggs, a rich black woman with braided black hair, paces in her business suit while screaming into her Nokia 6000 series cellular phone in her office.

"What do you mean I'm screaming at you?" she yelled. "I'm screaming at you because you didn't prevent Rapunzel signing away Goldie Goose and Harp to that damn Beane-Stark Media corporation!... What? Are you telling me that she's about to sell off The Hair?"

A fine white female maid named Dorothy appears in Shania's office.

"Madam," said Dorothy. "Your sisters are here."

"Hold on," said Shania. Then she says to Dorothy, "Oh, they are? Let them in." She gets back on the phone. "Hello?... Yes... As I was saying..."

Dorothy opens the door and allows Jean and Gene to enter the foyer of this grand Brick House.

"Whoa, this place gets bigger and bigger every time we come here," said Gene.

"We were here last weekend, remember?" Jean corrected.

"This way ladies," said Dorothy.

Dorothy leads Jean and Gene into the office and shows them to the leather guest couches. She bows to the sisters and leaves.

"Yes, of course," continued Shania. "Yes...well then tell that Rapunzel bitch to that she's nothing but a greedy cock-sucking muff-diving double crosser... you heard what I said... what?... I don't care if she fires you!... You're gonna get fired if you don't tell her what I told you what to say to her!... Don't call me back unless you give that bitch my message. Got that!"

Shania turns off her cell phone and throws it to her glass desk.

"Who are you?" she asked Jean and Gene.

"We're your..."

"I'm just kidding," said Shania. "So what brings you guys here?"

"Becky blew up our homes, Shania," said Jean.

"Actually," said Gene, "Becky liberated from the confines of conformity as defined by white suburbia, with no offense to Caucasians in general. I mean, separating ourselves with walls and walls only antagonizes us and our neighbors to the point that..."

"We need to stay at your house for a while," interrupts Jean.

Shania's cell phone rings "William Tell Overture". She answers it.

"What is it?" said Shania. "You told her?... What did she say?... That's too bad... No, you screwed big time... Which means you're fired, and I want you out of my office... Why the hell am I still talking to you? Get me Jack on the line!"

"Uh, Shania," said Jean.

"Yes?... Is this Jack?"

Jean mouths to Shania whether she and Gene could stay. Shania nods.

"Yes, get that Rapunzel bitch on the line," Shania continued. "I don't care if that's not how it says. I can say her name like that whenever I want. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Rapuznel! Tell that bitch to give up The Hair!"

"Should her name be pronounced SHA-NEE-AH?" Red inquired while Becky drove into an upscale neighborhood.

"I'm not sure," said Becky. "Sometimes it's SHA-NAI-AH. But anyway, you should get a load of her place. It's made of impenetrable bricks! That is why it's called the Brick Mansion in the Nashville tourist index."

They arrive the front gate of the Brick Mansion. The walls surrounding the house are also made of bricks and are topped off with steel railings and security cameras and sensors.

In the wet bar of the Brick Mansion, Jean finishes another shot of whiskey while Gene practices her tai chi in front of her.

"Ugh," Jean grumbles, "I sometimes wonder if I'm adopted."

"Poor Jean-chan," said Gene. "You are not alone this world. All of us, including Becky and Red-chan, are brothers and sisters to one another."

She hears a musical ring. Jean looks up and sees Dorothy answering the intercom connected to the gate intercom.

"Who is this?" asked Dorothy.

"Uh, hey, is Shania Fau Biggs around?" asked a familiar voice.

"I am sorry, but she is really busy..."

Jean jumps off the barstool and interrupts Dorothy.

"Go away Becky!" she yells into the intercom.

"Jean is that you?" asked Becky.

"It's pointless now! You can't penetrate sis's walls and security system!"

"Come on. Let me in. We're good friends right?"

"No we're not!"

"I'll blow you guys."

"Hey, is that Becky-chan?" asked Gene.

"Stay out of this!" growled Jean to Gene.

"How about this," said Becky. "I'll blow Shania, Gene, and then you."


"Oh. I guess you don't like the order. Okay then, I'll blow you, Gene, and Shania in that order from youngest to oldest."

"What part of 'no' do you understand?"

"Okay. I guess you want to be in the middle then. I suppose Gene and Shania could toss a coin on who goes first."

"I'll go first!" said Gene as she exuberantly raises her hand.

"Shut-up!" yelled Jean. "Shut-up!"

Jean disconnects.

Becky and Red are outside looking through steel gate.

"Don't touch that," said Becky.

"Touch what?" said Red.

Red touches the gate. It gives her a little shock.


"How are we gonna get inside?" Becky asked.

"No honey, I'm really busy right now," Dish speaks to his compact Motorola cellphone. "I know, I know, but I won't be back until we capture these two girls, okay? Love, you, bye."

Dish closes his phone and throws it between himself and Spoon inside their Taurus sedan. Right now, they are driving to the Nashville FBI branch office.

"Problems with you wife?" asked Spoon.

"Yeah," said Dish. "She's becoming a nuisance lately. She doesn't understand the importance of our work. Catching those two girls are crucial in protecting America."

"Hey, look at that."

Spoon points to a plume of smoke coming from a mature suburban neighborhood.

"You know what," said Dish, "I have a feeling that we'd better check this out."

Dish and Spoon arrive at the scene where police, firefighters, and gawkers surround what remains of the House of Sticks.

"This is so tragic," laments Sheriff Jones.

"What's so tragic?" asked Dish.

"Who are you guys?"

Dish and Spoon flash their badges.

"FBI," said Dish. "What has happened here?"

"This house used to be that of Gene Duo Biggs."

"The famous artist?" said Spoon.

"You know about her?" asked Dish.

"Oh yes. She's the sister of a famous media agent, Shania Fau Biggs. Of course, I hear that their family is a little eccentric."

"Are there any suspects?" Dish asked Sheriff Jones.

"Yes, of course," replied Sheriff Jones. He motions to a deputy to bring him a sketch of two familiar suspects. Jones shows Dish a more accurate drawing of the wolf-eared Becky and Red.

"Witnesses report that after they blew up the house, they got away in an orange 70's Mustang," said Jones.

"It's them all right," said Spoon.

"Spoon," said Dish, "call the Nashville office and tell them to mobilize right this minute. Those two girls should be around here somewhere."

Becky parks the car across from the gate of the Brick House, and then starts pacing by the walls back and forth trying to figure out a way in. The security cameras follow her every move, which are being monitored by Jean inside the Brick House security room.

"There's no way that she'll get in," said Jean.

"You sure are enjoying this," Gene said as she munches loudly on trail mix. "Having this security system on tells people outside that you are afraid of them. It gives an impression that we are misanthropes, and that we don't like to be bothered by..."

"Shh. Quiet."

Outside, Becky joins up with Red who is staring through the metal gate. The whole time, Red had been repeatedly touching the gate and getting a small electric jolt.


"Baka Red-chan," said Becky. "If you didn't needlessly waste your bullets in cooking and home repair, we could have busted through this gate."

"I'm sorry," said Red. She touches the gate again. "Ow!"

"It's all right. If I know Shania, she probably has a couple of guard dogs lying in wait."

"Mama likes to take the puppies, shoot them with her boomstick, take their fur, and sell them to coat makers."

"That's... interesting to hear."

Suddenly they hear the bumping of car subwoofers. Becky and Red turn and see that a decked-out BMW 3-series pulling up to the house next door. The driver side window rolls down, and out comes a strange man wearing a strange hat, big sunglasses and a big unnatural nose.

"Are you cute babes here for Shania?" said the man. "You know she's really busy trying to score The Hair back."

"Gregory Jacobs?" said Becky. "AKA Shock G? AKA Humpty Hump?"

"That's my name," replied Humpty.

"You live here?


"Can we go to your backyard? We need see if we can scale the wall from there."


Becky explains the situation to Humpty on the spot.

"So you're friends with little Shania and her sisters, huh?" said Humpty. "Okay then, you can go to my backyard."

"Yeah!" Red cries out.

"Uh, say Shock G," said Becky, "could you spare us some whiskey and cornbread if you got some?"

"Sure thing, babe," replied Humpty.

And so, Humpty Hump gave Becky whisky and cornbread, and then led her and Red to backyard of his mansion.

Becky sees that the wall between Shania's yard and Humpty's has not been secured with cameras or speared metal railings. Humpty comes out of the tool shed with a gold-plated ladder. After leaning the ladder against the wall, Becky climbs up and looks over.

Meanwhile, Humpty is eyeing the cute Red.

"So," he started. "What's your name?"

"Red Little," she innocently replied.

He looks at her t-shirt. It reads I'm an angel--I blow things up!

"Trust me," said Becky. "That t-shirt rings true about her. Anyway, if we jump and run over to the back, we might be able to avoid the dogs. Or, we could sneak by and Humpty could cover for us. I guess we'll try option 2 and run like hell if we hear the dogs. Is that okay?"

"Sure," smiled Humpty.

"Then let's do it!"

Becky and Red jump over the wall and quietly land on lawn. They tiptoe to the back while Humpty keeps watch on the wall.

Back at the security room, Jean spots the two on one of the monitors.

"Sneaking through the back, eh wolf-ears?" snickered Jean. "All right then--release the hounds!"

Silence. Jean turns around. Gene is missing.

"Gene? Dorothy?"

Meanwhile, Gene is upstairs in the office meditating loudly while Shania paces around her while yakking on her cell phone.

Jean storms in the music room where the fine and dull Dorothy quietly dusts the grand piano.

"How do I release the hounds?" Jean asked her.

"There's big red button labeled 'Release the Hounds' by the door," Dorothy dully replied.

Jean goes back into the security room and realizes that she had missed the button when she came out.

"So far so good," said Becky as she and Red tiptoe closer to the mansion.

"You go girls," Humpty quietly cheered.

Becky's wolf ears twitches. She and Red hear something. Out of nowhere, an armada of black Doberman dogs storm out and begin to chase Becky and Red.

"Oh shit!" yelled Becky.

Becky grabs Red's hand and the two run for it.

"I'll save you girls!" yelled Humpty.

Humpty jumps off the wall, but makes a great fall. A group of guard dogs run up to him and start to maul on his face and chin.

"Humpty!" cried Red.

"It's too late for him!" said Becky.

"But they got his nose!"

A guard dog quick on his toes runs off with his nose.

"So he does have a fake nose," said Becky.

Becky and Red run to the rear patio to jump on the tables and then jump on the patio roof. The dogs are below them growling and barking, and Becky looks down starts making faces at them.

"Now what do we do?" Red asked.

"The Santa Claus Trick!" said Becky.

"It's Christmas? I didn't make my list yet!"

Becky rolls her eyes.

"Oh, no you don't!" cried Jean as she starts up the gasoline fireplace. "I'll burn yo' ass before you get here Becky!'

She starts to laugh maniacally for five minutes. Nothing happens yet. She stops laughing and takes a breather.

"What is going on?" she gasped. "Why haven't they come down yet."

"Thanks Dorothy," said a familiar voice from behind.

"You're welcome Miss Wolfe," said Dorothy.

"Whiskey makes Mama fuck Papa with 12-inch dildo," said Red.

Jean turns around and sees Dorothy serving alcohol to a soot-stained Becky and Red.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screams Jean. "How'd you guys get in here?"

"Didn't you know your sister's mansion had more than one fireplace?" noted Becky.

Almost immediately, Jean bursts into tears and starts beating on Becky's breasts.

"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?" sobbed Jean. "Why won't you leave me alone?"

"You sure do love playing with my boobs," said Becky.

"I'm not a lesbian!"

"Tribade," Red corrected.

"You're in denial Miss Jean," Dorothy added.

"Not you too!" cried Jean.

All of a sudden, helicopters surround Shania's mansion. Shania hangs up her cell phone and looks outside while Gene continues meditating loudly.

"Come out with your hands up Rebecca Wolfe and Red Little!" boomed Dish from the bullhorn.

Dish, Spoon, and the entire FBI Nashville branch surround the gate and walls.

"Shit, it's the Feds," said Becky.

Jean suddenly runs outside through the front door waving her arms like mad.

"Help!" she screamed. "Help me!"

The trigger-happy agents start firing at Jean. Becky dives in to drop Jean to the ground. Then she drags her back inside the house and closes the door.

"Don't do that!" cried Becky. "You know how racist the FBI is?"

"Becky, I..." gasped Jean. She suddenly starts punching Becky's breasts.

"This is all your fault!" cries Jean. "It's all your fault!"

"Jean, this isn't the time," said Becky, who is unaffected by the punches.

"What's going on here?" screamed Shania. "There'd better have a good reason for disrupting my business deal!"

"Miss Shania Biggs," cried Red. "Your puppies got Humpty's nose!"

"Shock G? Oh my God!"

"Who cares about a has-been rapper?" cried Jean. "The FBI has surrounded the mansion!"

"Is there secret exit out of this estate?" Becky asked.

"Yes," replied Dorothy, "it's at the northwest corner."

"Thanks! Let's go Red!"

Becky grabs Red's hand, but she is anchored down.

"Grandma," said Red. "I forgot to tell you that I left my glass slipper in the Mustang!"

"The Glass Slipper?" gasps Jean, Shania, and Dorothy.

Becky remembers that the pumpkin orange 70's Ford Mustang has been parked across from the gate. Now it is surrounded by the FBI.

"We don't have time," said Becky.

"Please, Grandma," pleads Red. "It is the only clue I have on who I am and where I came from. Please, Grandma, please!"

Becky is taken in by Red's innocent puppy-dog eyes.

"Oh, okay," sighs Becky. "But if I do this, will you stop calling me Grandma?"

Red nods.

"All right," said Becky. "Shania, can I borrow your Hummer?"

"Don't you think it's strange?" started Spoon, who is positioned along with Dish by the gate.

"What is strange?" asked Dish.

"Don't you think it's strange that not only the artist Gene has her house blown up, that we find ourselves at her sister's Brick Mansion?"

"It could be just a coincidence. I mean, why would the 'Straw House' be blown up as well?"

"Maybe the Biggs had another sister?"

"Agent Dish, agent Spoon!" cried another FBI agent. "Look over there!"

Dish and Spoon look past the gate to see a tan Hummer heading their way. They can see that Red is driving while Becky is hanging off the passenger side ready to jump.

"Cover me when we crash!" yelled Becky.

"Okay!" Red acknowledges.

"They're coming this way!" cried Spoon.

Spoon, Dish, and the rest of the FBI scurry away as Red floors the accelerator pedal, thus crashing through the electrified gate and knocking a couple of black government Ford Taurus sedans out of the way. Unfortunately, this causes a domino effect that pushes Becky and Red's pumpkin-orange Mustang to its side.

Becky immediately jumps out and heads to the toppled Mustang while knocking down random FBI agents. Red covers for her with her pistol.

Becky hops onto an FBI Ford Taurus and jumps through the rear passenger side window and into the Mustang. After getting her sword, the Japanese katana named Shinseiki, and the wooden shoebox containing the glass slipper, Becky jumps back out and unleashing her secret Wolf techniques.

Suddenly, Shania's Doberman guard dogs coming running out and attacking the FBI agents. Scared, Dish and Spoon climb on one of their sedans trying to fight off the canines. Afterwards, an angry Shania storms out to the chaos followed by her faithful maid Dorothy.

"Whoa," said Spoon as he spots the Shania, "Shania looks pissed."

"Red," yelled Becky as she fought off more agents on top of the cars, "let's get out of here!"


A gunshot blasts the polished wooden shoebox out of her hand. It flies open and glass slipper flies out glittering under the sun. Becky tries to catch it, but a stray bullet shatters it.

"My slipper!" cried Red.

Becky pulls Red out of the Hummer.

"I'm sorry, but we have to go!" Becky yelled.

"But we can still get the pieces!"

"It's too late! Let's go!"

Becky takes Red's hand and slashes her way to a random FBI sedan. After hijacking it, the two drive off with the heat on their tail.

"After them!" Dish yelled through his bullhorn.

Then Shania climbs onto the sedan and pulls Dish by the collar.

"What the hell are you guys doing on my street!" she screamed.

"We're here to arrest Rebecca Wolfe and her accomplice Red Little for suspicion of illegal activity and terrorism," replied Dish.

"I don't care about that! Humpty Hump fell off my wall! And he lost his nose!"

"Shock G?" said Spoon.

"I demand that you go find his nose!"

Chapter 5

Title: Ronald Stilzchen and the Chemist's Daughter

Chapter 05: Ronald Stilzchen and the Chemist's Daughter

At the backyard of the Brick Mansion, FBI agent Patrick Spoon, accompanied by Shania's maid, Dorothy, walks down and counts the number of Doberman Pinchers that are inside the cages.

"...seventeen, eighteen, nineteen..." He stops. He looks and sees a vacant cage with the number 20 under it.

"Number 20 is missing," noted Spoon.

"For some reason," said Dorothy, "Gene likes to call him Huckleberry."

Shania comes out from the backyard patio and approaches the two.

"Have any of my dogs have Humpty Hump's nose?" asked Shania.

"No ma'am," Spoon replied. "We've sifted through their feces and combed over the entire estate. Still no nose."


"Can we go now Miss Biggs? We have to look for Old Wolfe Ears and girl in a red riding hood."

Before she could say anything, Shania's cell phone rings. She answers it and starts yakking away. As she yells at her employees, Spoon quietly sneaks away.

At the street in the front of the gated mansion, a cleanup crew is busy sweeping whatever debris was left since the battle against Becky Wolfe and Red Little. Dish oversees the operation when suddenly he notices a woman, obviously not part of the force sweep up all the clear crystalline glass shards into a plastic Ziploc bag.

"You there!" Dish yelled.

The woman looks up. Her hair is black, straight, and long, and she is dressed in a dark suit. She might pass off as Greek, Chinese, or as a mixture of both.

"I never seen you around," said Dish.

"She's with me," said a voice.

Dish turns and sees his supervisor, the middle-aged Daniel Fork, walking towards him.

"Assistant Director Fork!"

"Agent Dish," acknowledged Fork. He turns to the mysterious woman. "I apologize for that."

The woman says nothing.

"This is a friend of mine," said Fork. "Her name is Darryl Güse."

Dish resists snickering at the seemingly ridiculous name.

"Miss Güse, this is Jonathan Dish."

Dish and Güse shake hands.

"Charmed," she said. Her accent suggests that she is from some European country. "I am done now, Mister Fork."

Fork nods to her goodbye. Güse walks away while carrying off plastic bag full of white crystalline glass shards. Dish keeps an eye on her.

"So how's your father doing?" Fork asked.

"Good," replied Dish.

"And your wife?"

Dish continued his conversation as he watches Güse board a dark Lexus sedan chauffeured by a woman wearing officer-like hat over her shaved head. He could not recognize her face as she went into the drivers seat. He could also inside two more unidentified women, one who is prim and proper, and another who seems to be on drugs.

Before he knew it, the dark Lexus sedan drives away.

A black Ford Taurus FBI sedan rolls down the steep incline and crashes into the river. Becky Wolfe stands on top of the incline and brushes the dust off her hands at her success on getting rid of the evidence and evading the FBI.

"That should do it," she says.

However, Red Little is still saddened at the loss of her precious glass slipper.

"Hey, cheer up!" said Becky.

Tears start to roll down Red's cute face.

Concerned about her lover, Becky takes off her black pleather jacket and pulls up her dark green tank top, thus exposing her breasts at Red.

Meanwhile, a small boat of fisherman passes by on the river where Becky dumped the car.

"Come on," said Becky. "Start groping, sucking, or whatever."

Red does not look up. Becky covers her breasts. She then drops her dark-gray baggy pants and her panties and starts waving her pelvis at Red's general direction.

"Come on," said Becky. "Start humping me with yours."

Red does nothing. Becky bends over and spanks her butt before her lover. Still nothing.

So Becky takes off all her clothes and dances around Red.

"Hey!" cried Becky. "I'm doing the happy-naked-tribade dance!"

Red does not look up or anything. Becky stops dancing.

"How about if I buy you Britney Spears' latest album?" Becky dully said.

Red looks up. Her eyes widen and she starts to crack a smile.

"Really?" she said as she wiped her tears off.


Red smiles and immediately hugs the naked Becky, while the fisherman in the river stare.

Then Becky and Red stare into each other's eyes.

"I know it's gone, but I promise to find out who you are and where you came from," said Becky. "I'm pretty sure that there is a mate to that glass slipper."

"Thank you very much, Grandma," said Red.

"I guess after what happened, I don't deserve to be called otherwise."

So Becky puts her clothes back on. She and Red pick up their belongings, which include the Shinseiki katana and Red's basket of guns and hallucinogenic cannabis, and head straight to the location of a cabin scribbled on a napkin Becky is holding.

Red's T-shirt of the day reads: I'm an angel, and I fuck you, bitch!

"One of these days you gotta tell me where you get your t-shirts," Becky said.

"Okay Grandma!"

After a couple of hours of walking, they arrive at the presence of a two-story cabin situated by the river and far from any metropolitan area. Outside of the cabin is a garage holding a boat and an old jeep.

Becky and Red break into the posh cabin. It is dusty inside and it looks as if it hadn't been occupied for a while.

"What is this place, Grandma?" inquired Red.

"It's a vacation cabin of my employer," Becky replied. "I hope."

Their doubts come to rest when their tired legs compel them to shack in. Becky and Red deposit their weapons on the kitchen table. For some strange reason, it had only three chairs--a large one with a beer helmet on the post, and mid-sized one with mascara stains on it, and a not-quite-small one with a stain on the edge that dares not to be mentioned.

"I'm gonna put our stuff upstairs," said Becky. "See if there's any food here."

"Okay!" acknowledge Red.

As Becky heads upstairs, Red checks the fridge and finds only soda. Oddly enough, there are three kinds--Sunkist, Diet Pepsi, and Budweiser. Red checks the pantry and finds only three cereal boxes--Crispix, Special K, and Fruit Loops[i]. All three boxes are half-empty and expired.

Becky takes her pack and Red's backpack upstairs and discovers four doorways. One leads to the bathroom, and the rest leads to three different bedrooms. Becky goes to the first one on her left. Inside the room there are model statues of comic book heroes, Robotech figures, and a Robotech wallscroll overlooking a bed with Voltron bed sheets[ii].

"Ugh," said Becky. "Not here."

So Becky goes the second room. In it are a bunch of stuffed animals, Beanie Babies[iii], and an array of boy band posters plastered over the walls and ceiling.

"This one's worse," said Becky. "It deserves to be burned."

Finally Becky goes into the third room. It is quite large. Inside there is a king-sized bed in beautiful hand-carved bed frame. There are also a deer, a moose, and a sloth trophy head just above the dresser drawers and a gun safe at the corner of the room.

"That's more like it."

Becky then throws all the belongings on the bed and then heads back down to the kitchen where Red is cooking Crispix, Special K, and Fruit Loops on a frying pan.

"I'm surprised you didn't fire any weapons," Becky said to Red. "If you need some bullets though, there is a gun safe we can break into upstairs."

Becky raids the fridge and takes a swig of Sunkist.

"Eww," she said. "Nasty."

Becky throws out the can and the six-pack of Sunkist out into the yard. She then takes a swig from a can of Diet Pepsi.

"Pepsi? What the fuck?"

Becky throws out the can and the six-pack of Diet Pepsi out into the yard. Then she takes a swig from a can of Budweiser.

"Budweiser? You gotta be kidding me?"

This time, however, Becky drinks all the cans of beer in one sitting. When she finishes her last can, Red suddenly ignites the cereal on the frying pan.

"Waaaah!" cried Red.

"What is it?" asked Becky.

"I burnt the cereal!"

"Maybe this is a good omen."

Without any food, the armed Becky and a crimson-cloaked Red set out for food on foot, for they have no means of automotive transportation. They ended up in a general store of a small backwoods town where it had an old fashioned diner maintained by an old fashioned married couple. There they had a small breakfast, which includes cornbread of course. Fortunately, the old married couple was amused by Red's innocent cuteness and random dirty sayings that they allowed Becky and Red to eat for free. But eventually they will have to pay them back.

After buying groceries, which were discounted by the old couple, Becky and Red spot a small record store. Inside, Red picks up Britney Spears' latest album, while Becky had to flip through CD after CD for any semblance of punk or goth rock in the Pop/Rock section. Becky believes that Pop and Rock are two separate music genres and it is sacrilegious to lump them together. Regardless of her opinions on the music industry, Becky loves Red, and she will not rub it into her face that she hates Britney Spears and her corporate manufacturers. So Becky reluctantly buys Red the blasted CD, and the two start off home.

It is sundown when Becky and Red made it home. Immediately, Red puts on the Britney Spears CD and turns the volume up all the way. She then proceeds to make cornbread and dinner while Becky stuffs gummy bears in her ears as she meditates loudly Gene Duo Biggs-style outside in the backyard.

Red then runs into a problem. She takes out the cornbread mix out of the microwave and it is on fire. She then puts the pan with the flaming cornbread mix and puts it on the table. The tablecloth catches on fire. Red tries to put the fire with vinegar oil and the flames shoot up to the ceiling.

Red hears the timer ring. Red opens the oven and takes out the flaming casserole and puts it on the flaming table. Then for a good ten seconds, she stares at the flames.

Calmly, Red goes outside and taps on Becky's shoulder. Becky takes out the gummy bears out of her ears and turns around.


"Something's wrong with the food," said Red. "It is too hot to eat."

"Oh, shit!"

After giving the gummy bears to Red, Becky rushes inside, grabs the fire extinguisher and then puts out the flames.

"Ooh, gummy bears!" cried Red. She eats the gummy bears.

Looking at the scorched kitchen, Becky decides that she should cook. Outdoors.

Of course, that did not go well either. Besides the improper use of the Shinseiki katana to open canned goods and charcoal, she also set the grill fire as well as the nearby trees.

"I guess we'll let the trees burn, huh?" Becky said to Red as the two sat on the picnic table watching the trees burn.

On that night, they ate gummy bears and pretzels for dinner. Yuck.

There is a suspicious Doberman Pincher prowling around the streets of Nashville. For some reason, it scares off all the other stray dogs, especially those in heat. It had been stopping behind the back of every restaurant receiving bountiful and amiable scrap foods from scared chefs. It was if this dog was the mafia.

Rumors start to spread about this strange guard dog. It is often seen in the warehouse district where strange German, Turkish, and Arabic men have been gathering. It is said that this dog have been known to tear ten men up all by itself, and is even believed to lick the flesh clean off their bones.

The proof of this is the rubber prosthetic nose it constantly carries. It is as if the nose contained the soul of a has-been rapper who is as good as dead.

But the rapper isn't really dead. Just faded into obscurity like many one-hit wonders. Of course, many have sold their souls just for that one month of fame.

Yesterday night, Becky and Red had hot wild sex that was marred by fatigue and stomach regurgitation.

After puking the last of the gummy bears, Becky declares that they should find a cook--or a job--whichever comes first.

"I'm going to meet someone," Becky said as she dresses up in her usual gothic attire. "Stay and don't set the house on fire."

"Okay Grandma!" acknowledged Red.

"Well, you can set the other two bedrooms on fire if you want, but..."

And Becky left it like that.

Becky took a bus to the nearest city. She winds up in the predominately black neighborhood and enters a Soul Food bar. She quietly ignores the stares from the patrons and sits by a small table by the corner. Almost immediately, a large black woman, dressed in a beautiful African attire approaches. Becky shoots up to her feet and hugs her.

"Guten tag Venus Gottmutter," Becky greeted.

"Guten tag," replied Gottmutter.

Venus Gottmutter sits across Becky on the small table. Gottmutter is both half-Rwandan and half-German, and speaks perfect German and English. Relatives and her father's syndicate brought her into Germany just before the genocide. Despite retiring to America at the age of 40, she is still the Godmother of the underworld and contract killings.

Immediately, a cute black waitress serves a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses for Becky and Gottmutter.

"How are you doing Old Wolfe Ears?" asked Gottmutter.

"You know I don't like being called that," said the wolf-eared Becky. "I'm 21. Besides, I get enough crap from my girlfriend."

"Red Little?"

"Word travels fast, huh?"

"Well, they don't call Gottmutter for nothing. So how have you been doing since the last job?"

"I went on a weird-ass journey. I gave a fat old cracker a heart attack, chopped her up, and did her fake granddaughter. Then I ran into a cult where they screw farm animals and a giraffe--which I highly doubt; the giraffe I mean; killed Red's best friend, got stoned, and somehow ate all the sheep and a big black man. Then Red and I ended up at a bar where they served Ginger Ale made out of urine. Oh, and I met up with the Three Biggs. Unfortunately, we blew two of their houses, and barely escaped with our lives from Shania's place."

"That doesn't seem as weird as the time when you got stuck with the Three Blind Meese in the tub in the Atlantic."

"How else did I get you to see them backstage?"

The two laugh.

"That's so rich!" chortled Gottmutter. "So anyway, I assume you came here for your payment."

"Of course."


"And I can assume that you have a job for me."

"Way ahead of you Becky."

Thus, Gottmutter explains the details:

"About a couple months ago, a Saudi prince and mob boss named Shadazz came to America in order cash in the whole Viagra craze through the pharmaceutical black market. So this Pakistani chemist went around proclaiming that he taught his daughter, Mira, how to make the most potent sexual enhancement drug available. Thus, he willingly relinquished his daughter for a huge sum to Shadazz. It turns out, however, that the Pakistani chemist was a con artist and never had a daughter."

"Then why didn't Shadazz sell her off or kill her or something?" asked Becky.

"That's the thing. Apparently, Mira had a little bit of skill in making the drug, but it was not enough. There are rumors circling around that she has been secretly been taught by a German scientist who does not want his identity revealed. Mira rewards him by giving him certain 'favors'."

"Do you know who this guy is?"

"No we don't. Neither does our client. But we at least know that he is a former Nazi scientist who went under many names. Your job is to find this man and eliminate him."

"What about the Pakistani girl?"

"It is up to you."

"I hate it when you say that," Becky said as she scratches her wolf ears. "One more thing Gottmutter."


"Could you um, send us some guns, bullets, and rocket launchers for my girlfriend?"


"And a new kitchen table."


"And a laptop computer. Preferably an Apple Powerbook. With a firewire card."

The list goes on and on.

"Okay!" said Becky. "Seriously Miss Gottmutter. I have one more question."

"What is it Wolfe-Ears?"

"Do you know where I can find a glass slipper?"

Gottmutter thinks.

"You could find those anywhere," she replied. "You can even have them custom made."

"I'm looking for a certain kind," said Becky.

"Such as?"

Becky is silent.

"Nevermind. I don't even know where to begin looking for a certain glass slipper."

Later that day, Becky makes it home to the hidden two-story cabin by the river. As she approaches the building, she discovers bountiful and useful gifts on the front yard.

"Grandma! Grandma!" cried Red. "Look what the nice men left us!"

Becky sees that Gottmutter's connections left them with heavy artillery, guns, ninja outfits, ninja gear, a new table, an Apple G3 Powerbook (with a Firewire card), a digital camcorder, two Nokia cell phones, one million dollars in cash, and a new car! The car is a sweet indigo blue and decked out four-door Civic Si complete with GPS navigation.

Becky, with Red tagging along, immediately uses the blue Civic Si for the stakeout on the shady warehouse district. She focuses her binoculars on warehouse A89. Nine well dressed Arabs who have Russian pistols and submachine guns tucked under their jackets are guarding it. Then suddenly, a line of tired workers files out of the warehouse. Pulling up the rear is the Arab mob boss and prince Shadazz who is talking to Mira, the Pakistani girl.

"She is hot," Becky commented.

"Who is?" asked Red. "Is she on fire?"

"No she isn't." Becky points at the businessman for Red. "See that man?"


"That's Shadazz. He is supposed to be a Saudi Prince, but not the rich kind."

Shadazz lovingly waves goodbye to Mira as she drives off in her olive green Dodge Stratus. As Mira pulls up to the main road, Becky puts down the binoculars and starts her Civic.

"Now that we know where she works," said Becky.

Becky discreetly follows Mira to a low-end apartment complex. After she enters her room on the second floor, Becky parks her Civic a couple blocks down.

"Stay here," said Becky, "and don't do anything stupid."

"But I want to help too, Grandma!" cried Red.

"This is a job I have to do on my own."

"Please Grandma?"

Red gives Becky the puppy dog eyes.

"All right," said Becky. "I guess I could use a scout and a shooter."


"But since you're somewhat new to the business, you must remember Becky Wolfe's Three Cardinal Rules of Assassin Mercenary Methodology."

"What's the first rule?"

"The first rule is to kill only those who pose a definite threat to your life."

"The second?"

"The second rule is to always try to be relaxed."

"And the third?"

"The third rule is..." (dramatic pause) "...Scat is gross."

Then silence. Red raises an eyebrow.

"Well," said Becky, "I'm thinking of adding a fourth rule that makes watersports gross or banned."

"Kill only those who pose a definite threat to your life, always try to be relaxed, and scat is gross," repeats Red. "I think I got it. Does this mean I'm a full-fledged assassin-mercenary Grandma?"

"If you know how to conserve bullets," winked Becky. "Now let's get to work!"

So Becky and Red fly out of their Civic and dash straight towards the second floor apartment adjacent to Mira's. They break in. After leaving their gear on the table, Becky raids the fridge, while Red turns on the TV to Cartoon Network. The Powerpuff Girls is on.

"What were we doing again?" asked Red.

Meanwhile, three dark Mercedes sedans pull up across from Mira's apartments. Coming out of the three sedans are nine young well-dressed men and three old men in suits. The young men stand by their sedans while the three old men in identical white masks group together and head over to Mira's apartment.

"Becky!" cried Red, who spots the three old men through the window.

Becky finishes a beer can and heads over to the window. Becky doesn't recognize anything particular about the men except that they are relatively short. They disappear when they enter Mira's apartment. Becky and Red get off the windowsill puts their ears on the wall shared by the two adjacent apartments.

"Shit, I can't hear anything," complained Becky. "Stupid foreign accents!"

The inside of Mira's apartment is classic, but relatively clean. Certainly a woman has been living there.

The three old men in the white masks move as a unit and sits down on the couch while Mira serves them tea.

"That will not be necessary," said one of the white masks. It seems to be coming from the one in the center.

Mira sits down on the chair across from them. She hands an envelope of cash to the 1st white mask.

"Where's the rest?"

"He's not here today," replied Mira. "He's with one of my former co-workers."

"Tsk, tsk. We tried to make it easy on you, but a deal is a deal. We want that child now."

"I don't know where he is!"

"This isn't helping, Miss Mira. You know that we'll take better care of him than that Shadazz fool."

"He does not know. You have all the time to pick the child up from me."

"You have until tomorrow. As punishment for your insubordination..."

One of the white masks takes off his shoe, and then his sock. He puts his old crusty foot on the table before Mira.

"Lick it," he said.

Mira gets off her chair half-willingly.

"Yes sir."

Mira bends over ready to suck the big toe with a rotten toenail.

At the other side of the wall, Becky and Red can hear sucking noises.

"What are they doing, Grandma?"

"Hmm, it doesn't sound like cock-sucking..."

Becky raises her eyebrow. Then she makes a face.


"What is it?"

"People with foot fungus shouldn't have a foot fetish."

At that point, Becky considered adding that rule in her cardinal rules of Assassin Mercenary Methodology.

The gross fungal-toe sucking and the licking of fallen arches continued for about thirty minutes. By that time, Becky had finished all the beer in the fridge, and Red had just finished watching an episode of Sex in the City.

"I don't get that show," said Red.

Becky quietly unsheathes her Shinseiki.

"Neither do I," said Becky. "None of the women are making out with each other after the many guys they dated."

The three white masks finally leaves Mira's apartment. Red unloads her assault rifle and puts in a cartridge. She puts her back near the door ready burst out and fire.

"They're about to leave," said Red.

"Okay. Cover me while I bust through the door and aim for those three men that might be the target."

Then they hear crying. It is Mira.

Red peeks outside of the window and sees the three old men in white masks filing to their respective Mercedes sedans.

"Grandma!" said Red. "They're about to drive off!"

Becky hesitates.

"Damnit!" said Becky. "It would be easier if she and the old men were the target."

"So we're not going after them now?"


They hear footsteps. The door opens to reveal the tenants of the apartment Becky and Red broke into. They look like men, yet they aren't. And right, now, they look surprised.

"Don't shoot!" cried Becky.

Red looks at her, and then at the two butch women. She drops her M16 assault rifle, and quickly does two high-kicks to the heads of the two tenants.

Becky is a little surprised at Red's potential--and her choice of actions.

"Er, at least you didn't kill them," noted Becky.

So Becky and Red drag the unconscious bodies of the butch lesbians into their bedroom. They find bondage gear. Becky and Red takes off their clothes, put the bondage gear on them, gag them, and then tie them together inside the closet. They did not tie them too tight because they want them to have chance to get out.

The butch lesbians regain consciousness. They start shouting through their ball gags at Becky.

"Uh, sorry we broke into your apartment," said Becky. "We're just doing our business. Oh, and I drank all your beer, so here's something to compensate you."

Becky takes out her billfold and puts all her cash on the bed.

The gagged and bounded lesbians yell at her more.


They motion their heads towards something. Becky looks around and sees a double-ended vibrator on the bookshelf.

"You mean this?" Becky points.

One of the lesbians nods. The other one starts kicking her.

Becky throws the vibrator into the closet.

"Enjoy yourselves!" Becky smiles.

She closes the closet, and then leaves the apartment along with Red.

Becky and Red retreat to the blue Civic where they wolf down on Pixy Stix, SweeTarts, and beer.

"How come you didn't want to kill them?" Red asked.

"The white masks?" said Becky. "I don't know. I have this problem with damsels in distress."

"What's the problem?"

"It's just that... oh nevermind. We should go over to Mira's apartment and get information on with this child they are talking about is and who the fuck are those three old men in white masks who have a foot fetish."

"Are we going to do it now?"

"Sure... but let me take a nap for a while... I'm too drunk."

And so, Becky takes a nap. Likewise, Red (after finishing the last of Miller beer) takes a nap after her. However, it is a long nap--more precisely a 12-hour nap.

It is now nine in the morning, Mira comes out of her apartment ready for work. She notices a blue tripped-out import four-door small sedan. She walks over and takes a peek inside. She sees on the driver side the handsome Wolfe-ears sleeping noisily yet soundly. Mira smiles, and then leaves.

One hour later, Red wakes up. She shakes Becky, who immediately jolts.

"Huh, what? What time is it?"

"It's ten o'clock," replied Red.

"Oh, shit! She left for work already!"

Becky starts the Honda Civic and immediately drives off to the warehouse district.

They arrive to see smoke coming out of warehouse A89. Something is going on.

"Suit up," said Becky.

Red nods.

Becky comes out of the car dressed in a heavy black pleather trench coat. Red comes dressed in her crimson riding hood and two submachine guns in her hands.

The sounds of gunshots increase as they run towards the entrance of the warehouse. They can hear screaming and chaos.

The main doors burst open. Becky unsheathes her katana and Red cocks her guns. Suddenly, a crowd of amiable female workers flees from the warehouse. For some reason, all of them aren't wearing any pants or underpants.

Becky raises an eyebrow and snickers. She and Red ignore them and head down the alleyway between warehouse A89 and A90. A side door bursts open. Becky and Red get ready to strike, but instead of goons, a line of young boys fleeing from the warehouse. Like the amiable female workers, these boys, who are also work in the warehouse, are not wearing any pants or underwear.

Becky raises an eyebrow, which then twitches.

"Let's go in!"

Becky and Red burst into the warehouse. Inside there is an assembly line from pills to bottles. Across the floor, Shadazz's goons are firing at an invisible target with their Russian assault rifles.

What is going on? Thought Becky.

Shots are fired at Becky and Red. They quickly dodge them and hide behind some oil barrels.

"Cover me!" cried Becky. "I'm going to look for Mira!"

"Okay!" cried Red.

Becky leaps out of hiding and heads towards the forklifts. Meanwhile, Red leaps out just as the oil barrels explode. She comes face to face with ten goons hiding behind the tables. She keeps them busy with her submachine guns.

Becky kills a gunner from afar with a throwing knife. She kills five more in the same fashion. As she approaches the office, a large Arab wielding a large scimitar crashes through the door and commences to duel against her.

Red runs out of bullets from her submachine guns, and the ten goons start close in on her. She drops her guns, and procures two handguns from her crimson riding hood. Red starts dashing left and right and begins mow down five of her targets with deadly accuracy. She takes the sixth on by surprise by jumping right on his body and pumping him with one shot to the head and one to the heart. Then she turns and shoots the seventh behind her also on the head and the heart.

As Becky duels with scimitar Arab, two other Arab gunmen hails her with bullets from a far. Becky dodges the swing of the scimitar by leaping over the table containing the trays of Viagra imitation pills. She uses her two final throwing knives to take out the shooters. The scimitar Arab crashes through the table and Becky jumps to avoid him. She searches her coat for another throwing knife.

"Damn! I'm out!"

The scimitar Arab comes charging and screaming at her.

Red finishes off her eighth goon with the last shot in her pistol. She turns around to see the ninth with his assault rifle pointing right next to her heart. He fires. The gun clicks. No bullets come out.

Red pulls the Russian assault rifle out of his hands and starts pounding his face with it. He falls backwards, and now she starts pounding the center of his chest with the barrel of the gun. Soon enough, he coughs up blood and his life.

At the other end, Becky grows weary of dealing with a low-class swordsman.

"I think it's time for my secret Wolf technique."

She jumps back and gets ready for her move. Becky then looks over to see Red, and then a tenth rifleman goon ready to shoot her.


Becky throws her sword straight towards Red. Red steps back as the sword flies past her and hits the tenth goon in the heart.

The large scimitar Arab swings his sword, and Becky catches the blade with her palms inches above her face. She struggles to hold on until she hears barking.

A black Doberman pincher leaps out of nowhere and bites the Arab's arm. The large Arab man lets go of his scimitar, and Becky is now out of danger. Then the dog runs and bites the Arab in the crotch hard. The man immediately wells up in tears as his crotch starts to bleed profusely. The Doberman pincher rips whatever was on the Arab man's crotch. The man falls back clutching his groin in intense pain and whimpering like a little boy. The dog then drops what looks like bloody entrails.

"Hey thanks, dog," said Becky, "but ripping a man's manhood off his manhood doesn't seem, well, kosher. Ah, I don't know what I'm talkin' about."

"Grandma, over here! I found her!"

Becky and the Doberman pincher join Red in the office where they find Mira hiding under the desk. Mira looks up and recognizes her savior.

"It's you."

The dog barks. Mira trembles and immediately throws to it a strange fleshy object. The dog immediately picks it up.

"What a cute doggie!" said Red. She heads over to pet the Doberman pincher.

"What is your name?" Mira asked.

"Becky. Becky Wolfe."

"Mira Rama."

Becky helps Mira out of the desk.

"What has happened here? Did the Germans or the Turks attack this place?"

"The funny thing is, we were attacked by that dog over there."

Mira points to the dog Red is groping.

"One of the guards took that fake nose away from that dog. Then the dog got mad and attacked us. It killed at least two guards before you got here."

"The average dog in the world has four nipples," blurted Red.

"That's... nice," said Becky.

"She seems to be quite fixated on that prosthetic nose," said Mira.

"A prosthetic nose..."

Something prickles Becky's mind. She is reminded of an old rap song done in the year 1990. The lyrics probably went:

All right!
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin...

That's all she could remember.

"Are you here to rescue me?" asked Mira.

"Not really, but I'm after the guy or guys you were with last night," Becky replied.

"You have to help me, Miss Wolfe! The old man in the white mask is after my child!"

"So you do have a child."

After petting the Doberman pincher, Red looks around and sees a small tray of pink candy-like pills. She takes one. Mira catches her in the act.

"No! Don't take that!" she screamed.

Too late. The dense Red ingests another pill.

"Why?" asked Becky. "Is it for men only?"

"It's not that! That's the latest female sexual enhancement drug I developed. It's basically ecstasy extreme!"

Red begins to calm down. Then she starts to massage her breasts.

"When is it effective?" asked Becky.

"Almost immediately!" replied Mira.

"Grandma," started Red, "I'm feeling horny."

With Red moving on her, Becky quickly pops two pills in her mouth.

"What are you doing?" cried Mira.

"The second rule of the Assassin-Mercenary Methodology," said Becky. "Now let's get it on!"

Red squeals, and then leaps into Becky's arms. They proceed to make out and undress on the spot, leaving Mira totally speechless.

Becky and Red had sex for about three hours, longer than Mira had expected. They had done every oral, anal, and tribadism position possible, as if they acted the entire Kama Sutra for lesbians. Most of the time, however, Becky and Red are in a position where their lips, breasts, and vaginas meet. Sometimes, they alternate on being on the top and being on the bottom. Mira and the female Doberman pincher spent the entire time watching and giving the loving couple strange looks as a confused dog would.

Mira knows that what she is watching is wrong. It is forbidden by both her religion (Islam) and Pakistani culture, yet she cannot avert her eyes from this hypnotic lesbian dance. She is getting hot. She feels left out. She sees the ecstasy extreme drug on the tray next her, and is tempted to take a couple of the pills so she can join in.

Unfortunately for her, Becky and Red are done. Their sensual exhales becomes less sensual.

"Oh, shit," said Becky. "I need Pixy Stix."

"Me too," said Red.

So far, the police (or the FBI) did not arrive at the scene. Becky and Red quickly load up the trunk of their Civic with a crate of ecstasy extreme (or Double-E) as well as a crate of imitation Viagra as insurance. They drive off with Mira and the Doberman pincher riding in the backseat.

"I can't believe your riding off with non-FDA approved drugs," said Mira.

"Hey, I steal from those who do illegal things," said Becky.

"Should that be one of the cardinal rules?" asked Red.

"Nah, it's just a habit of mine."

"Why is the dog riding with us?" asked Mira.

"Snagglepuss[iv] needs a good home!" answered Red.


"That's her name."

"I don't like that name," said Becky. "How about Huckleberry?"

"But I like Snagglepuss."

"You guys are naming her after a Hanna-Barbera character who seems to have a homosexual tendency or a delinquent southerner" stated Mira.

"Huckleberry Hound[v] is gay?" questioned Becky.

"How about Lindenberg instead?"


"It's from a novel I read back in medical school--before I dropped out."

"Snagglepuss!" cried Red.


"All right, all right," said Becky. "How about we just name her Huckleberry-Lindenberg-Snagglepuss--or HLS."

"Bark!" said the dog.

"Hey, she likes the name," said Red.

"The name's too long," added Mira.

"From now on, you shall be called HLS!" announced Becky.

"Bark!" said HLS.

As per Mira's directions, Becky drives over to the southeast end of Nashville where Mira's child is staying with a friend.

"I got a question, Mira," asked Becky.

"What is it?"

"Why are the pants and panties missing from the female workers?"

"Shadazz has a thing."

"Oh. And the boys?"

"That too."

"Kinda like the drug lab scene in New Jack City, except the workers are bottomless instead of topless. Weird."

"Why does Mister Shadazz likes to see little boys' penises?" Red innocently asks. "Does he miss being a boy?"

"Ummm," mumbled Mira and Becky.

They are now driving down a run-down neighborhood. The sun sets. Red turns her head around and notices something amiss.

"Um, Grandma..."

"I know."

Becky finally stops the car in front of the house Mira said her child was staying at.

"Mira stay here," said Becky. "HLS, you guard her."

"Arf!" barked HLS.

Becky and Red step out of the Civic fully armed. Surrounding them are three familiar dark Mercedes sedans. As the sedans pull to a stop, nine young armed German men in suits come out along with the three old men in the white masks.

"Guten abend," said one of the white masks. "Fancy seeing Old Wolfe-Ears protecting kind Mira Rama."

"I'm 21, baka-German geezers," growled Becky, "and for Goddesses' sake, which one of you is talking to me?"

"So this is where the son of Shadazz is staying at?"

"Son of Shadazz? What are you talking about?"

"We will use Shadazz's illegitimate son as leverage against Saudi royalty."

"Then that means..."

Suddenly, the street becomes even more crowded with a fleet of BMW sedans surrounding the Germans and Becky's group. Coming out from the sedans are tough-looking Arab mobsters with their AK-47 assault rifles aimed at everyone else. The suave bearded Prince Shadazz comes out from one of the BMWs and steps towards Becky and the three old masked men.

"What a coincidence," said Shadazz. "I never expected to run into the legendary Assassin-Saint and an old Nazi war criminal."

"Shadazz!" cried one of the white masks.

Becky turns around to see three Arab mobsters pulling Mira out of the Civic while keeping HLS at bay.

"Is the child in that house?" demanded Shadazz.

"No, wait, please!" cried Mira.

"Search that house!"

Four more Arab mobsters burst into the house in front of where Becky parked the Civic Si. Becky, Red, Mira, and the others can hear the screams of a woman. Soon enough, two of the four Arab mobsters drag a familiar black woman out of the house.

"Let me go you bastards!" she screamed.

Becky narrows her eyes. It is Jean Owen Biggs.



Jean breaks free from her captors and runs over to beat Becky on the breasts.

"Why? Why? Why? Why?" screamed Jean. "You're always screwing up my life! Now I live in the fucking ghetto!"

"You always live in the ghetto," said Becky.

"Shut-up! Shut-up!"

"You sure do love to play with Grandma's breasts," Red noted.

"You shut-up too!"

The Arab mobsters come out of Jean's new house to report, in Arabic, that the child is not there.

"Where is the child Mira?" demanded Shadazz.

"I'll never tell!"

"What could you possibly want with that child?" asked one of the white masks.

"The truth is, I don't want that child," said Shadazz. "I rather see its existence erased or else my family will renounce my title!"

"What title? You're just the son of the cousin of the son of the cousin of the 11th Saudi Prince."

"Silence! Mira, tell me where the child is or your friends will die!"

Mira lips are sealed. She is torn between the life of her saviors and her baby.

"What are we going to do Grandma?" asked Red.

"Plan H," said Becky.

"Plan H?" asked Mira, Red, and Jean.

Becky opens the rear door of the Civic and wrings HLS's prosthetic nose "toy" out of her mouth. She then throws it over to Shadazz.

Shadazz's men jump and aim their guns at the flying fake nose. Shadazz catches with both hands and looks at it quizzically.

"Get him, HLS!" screamed Becky.

HLS growls and shoots from the Civic and towards the confused Shadazz. She then bites Shadazz on the crotch, which then starts to bleed profusely. Shadazz immediately screams like a little boy.

Shots ring out from the Arab mobster's guns. The Germans take this opportunity to take cover and fire back at the Arabs. As Shadazz starts to curse constantly in Arabic from the intense pain from his bleeding crotch, Becky and Red takes the opportunity to leap over the Civic and kill off Mira's captors.

"This way!" screamed Becky.

"Not my house!" cried Jean.

"Come on Jean-chan!" cried Red.

While HLS single-handedly takes on the Arab mafia, Becky, Red, Jean, and Mira escape into Jean's house, which is now under fire.

As they run down the hallway, they can hear the thuds of grenades hitting the floor.

"Grenades!" yelled Becky.

Becky and the others escape through the back just as the house explodes.

"My house!" cried Jean. "Not again!"

Becky and the others leap over to the yard of the next house and then break into the garage. There, they hotwire a vintage pumpkin orange Cadillac convertible and escape with it.

As they drive down the street, they look behind to see they are being pursued by two of Shadazz's BMWs.

"They're after us!" yelled Mira.

"My house..." laments Jean, "my house..."

"Red-chan!" yelled Becky.

"I'm on it!" acknowledged Red.

Red, who is riding on the back seat, stands up and unwraps her crimson riding hood off her body, thereby exposing her amusing t-shirt (I'm an angel, and I fuck you, bitch!) and releasing an insane number of grenades from her person. All of the grenades fall off her body and out of the car. The two BMWs attempt to swerve to avoid them, but instead they explode upon hitting the grenades.

"Yes!" cried Red.

Out of nowhere, another BMW slams into the rear of Becky's acquired Cadillac. Red is thrown off the car and lands on the hood of the BMW. She can see inside an angry Shadazz on the passenger seat, his stoic driver, and a gunner in the back seat. The Arab gunner opens up his window and starts firing his submachine gun at the pumpkin orange Cadillac.

Mira and Jean duck to avoid the bullets while Becky swerves to dodge them. Red holds on to the BMW as it repeatedly bumps back of the Cadillac.

On the last bump, Red is thrown off the hood and lands on top of the roof of the BMW.

"Forget about her!" Shadazz yelled to the gunner. Thus, the gunner ignores Red and resumes firing at the Cadillac.

"Red-chan!" yelled Becky. She unsheathes her Shinseiki and tosses towards Red. Red catches the sword and plunges it on the roof of the BMW so she can hold on.

Suddenly, a dark Mercedes sedan comes out of nowhere and bumps the side of the Shadazz's BMW. Shadazz looks and sees two young Germans riding in the front of the Mercedes and the old man in the white mask riding in the rear. The German in the passenger front rolls down his window and points a shotgun at Shadazz's driver. He shoots. Shadazz's driver is shot dead. The BMW swerves off the street and crashes into a building.

Shadazz crawls out of the BMW. He is wounded from the stray shotgun shells and from the bite to the crotch. He now wears a makeshift diaper to stop the intense bleeding.

Red leaps down from the roof of the car and walks over to Shadazz, ready to kill him with Becky's sword.

"Damn you Ronald Stilzchen!" he cried.

Red hesitates. Then a second later, she plunges the sword into his person.

Meanwhile, the Germans' Mercedes resume bumping into Becky's Cadillac, trying to get it to crash. As they drove, the two cars approach an overpass and a ditch. The Mercedes bumps the rear side of the Cadillac, causing it to spin and crash past the overpass barrier and down into the ditch.

Because of the safety of seatbelts, Becky, Jean, and Mira survived the crash. However, the car is flipped over and they are trapped.

"Damn. Guys, are you okay?" Becky asked.

"No thanks to you!" growled Jean.


"I'm okay," replied Mira.

Then suddenly, two Germans open the door and pull Mira out from under the Cadillac.


Becky can hear her screams as she struggled to break free from her seatbelt.

"Hey!" cried Jean. "What about me?"

Becky climbs out of the car and sees Mira being hauled off by two young German men. Though wounded, Becky runs after them up the inclined ditch walls. The Germans notice her and let go of Mira. They run back down to fight against Becky. However, they cannot best her martial arts skills as she thoroughly kicks their asses after punching them in the face, stomach, and groin.

Becky hears a gun click. She turns and sees the old man in the white mask pointing a gun to Mira's head.

"Don't you move," he said.

"I don't know who the hell you are," said Becky, "and I don't give a flying fuck. Now let her go."

Becky follows Mira and the white mask back up the overpass where the Mercedes sedan stood waiting.

"In that case, let's play a little game," said the white mask. "If you can guess my name in three tries, I might let her live."

"If she dies, you won't know where her son is."

"I have other ways of finding him."

"Shit. I guess I'll have to play your stupid little game."

"That's good."

"Okay. Your name is... Frankenfurter?"

"Guess again."

"Um, Wienerschnitzel?"

"That's a fast food restaurant you Yankee!"

"Does that mean I still have two more guesses?"


"Nine more guesses?"

"His name is Ronald Stilzchen!" yelled a familiar distant voice.

"Gee thanks," said Becky. "In that case you're Ronald Stilzchen!"

The old man in the white mask stands silent. He looks over to see Red running towards Becky while carrying the Shinseiki.

"That devil told you!" yelled Ronald.

"Grandma, watch out!" screamed Red.

Behind Becky is a young German ready to stab Becky in the back with a combat knife. Red immediately throws the Shinseiki into his body. Becky turns around to see the knife in the German's hand. Ronald pulls the gun away from Mira's head and starts firing at Becky. Becky dodges the bullet and hides behind the young German's back. As Ronald pumps his dying (and now dead) underling with bullets, Becky, grips the handle of the Shinseiki and drives it along with the body towards Mira and Ronald. Mira screams as she makes contact with the body. However, she is not stabbed by Becky's sword. Becky pulls the sword out of the body just in time so she can strike Ronald.

Ronald lets go of Mira and runs away. Mira collapses under the weight of the German corpse.

"Mira!" cried Becky.

"I'll be fine," she said.

As Mira rolls the German corpse off her body, Becky chases after Ronald Stilzchen down a dark alleyway of the inner city. Suddenly, Ronald trips. He gets up and sees that his foot is stuck on a pothole.

"Ronald Stilzchen!" screamed Becky. "Your ass is mine!"

Ronald starts to panic. He struggles to wring his foot free as Becky readies her Howling Moon Slash. Ronald jumps. He sprains his ankle. Becky does her move and slices Stilzchen in two.

When it was over, Ronald's leg and parts of his pelvis dangled from the pothole.

With the job done, Becky joins up with Mira and Red at the overpass by the ditch.

"Grandma!" waved Red.

"I hope I killed the right guy," said Becky.

"The man you just killed was the one who taught me how to make the sexual enhancement drugs," stated Mira.

"I think we'd better go back to the scene just to double check."

Becky, Red, and Mira start to board Stilzchen's BMW.

"What about Miss Jean?" said Mira.

"Who?" said Becky. "Oh, I almost forgot!"

Jean is still alive underneath the flipped orange Cadillac convertible--unfortunately.

"Damn that Becky!" she cried. "Why won't she leave me alone?"

So Becky rescues Jean from the wreckage right before it explodes. They get in the BMW and drive back to the scene in front of Jean's demolished house. Becky and Red inspect the bodies of dead German and Arab mobsters lying about, while Jean falls to her knees lamenting her loss of her new house.

"By Goddess," said Becky.

"It looks this old man in the white mask is dead too," said Red.

"Died of crotch bleeding I suppose."

Red nods. Each and every one of the men is dead because of an attack on their crotches.

Becky turns and sees HLS sitting next to the remaining old man in the white mask (who is dead). She is panting and wagging her tail happily.

"You did all this?" Becky asked HLS as she pets her.

"Arf!" said HLS.

Suddenly, they hear police sirens.

"Miss Wolfe!" yelled Mira.

Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS jump into Civic Si and drive out of the scene.

"Where's your baby staying at?" Becky asked Mira.

"Just down the street," she replied.

"So it's not 1879 W. Miller Ave?"

"It's 1897 W. Miller Ave. My friend lives in a apartment, not in a house."

Becky drives the car into a low-rent apartment complex. She and Red stand outside the vehicle as Mira goes in to see her child.

"So what is your problem with damsels in distress?" Red asked Becky.

"Oh, you know... I'm a sucker for attractive girls. You're not mad at me for that, are you?"

"No, Grandma. I think it is nice for you do such things."

Becky smiles. Red is too innocent to be jealous.

Mira returns to the two while wiping her tears.

"You're not taking your child back?" asked Becky.

"I wish I could," wept Mira, "but now my life will be in constant danger because of the people I was involved with. How can ever I tell him about the grievous mistakes in my life?"

"I guess that's something we can't fix. I'll take you home now."


"I know it's not safe, but my job's done. I could get Gottmutter to send you some protection."

"How can I ever repay you, Miss Wolfe?"

Becky thinks.

"Can you cook cornbread?" she asked.

"Of course. It's the first thing I learned when I immigrated here."

Becky puts on a wide smile. Suddenly she wraps her arms around Mira and gives her a big kiss on the lips.

"Oh my Goddess, we're saved!" cried Becky. "Red-chan, give Mira a kiss!"


Red gives Mira a kiss.

"Not there!" laughed Becky.

"Oh! Sorry Miss Mira!" Red said.

Mira is completely flustered and aroused by Red's kiss. It took a while for her to realize that her pants and underpants are down. It was the first time she was kissed by a girl on the lips and then by another one on the clitoris.


i - These are American cereals of the Kellog's Corporation. Crispix consists of octagon cereal bits with wheat on one side and rice on the other. Fruit Loops consists of these fruit-flavored rings that tastes nothing like fruit, yet it tastes strangely familiar to Kellog's Apple Jacks; and it had a toucan mascot (Toucan Sam) who does not sound British and whose rainbow nose suggests something about his sexuality. I never ate Special K. Supposedly it is marketed towards women, and I saw a commercial where the 'K' morphed to and from women's legs. I wonder how many men (and women) got off that.

ii - Ah, Robotech and Voltron--two classic anime released Americanized in the U.S.A.

iii - Beanie Babies are basically miniature stuffed animals stuffed with plastic pellets (beans) instead of regular stuffing.

iv - Snagglepuss is supposed to be pink lion or something in the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons in the 1960s and 1970s. If he's a male lion, where is his fucking mane?

v - Mira thought Becky was suggesting the name from Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn for the dog they found. Becky's Huckleberry (Hound) is an anthropomorphic blue dog with a southern (or was it Texan) accent. He seemed pretty gay if you ask me.

Chapter 6

Title: The Old Woman who Lives in the Shoe Factory

Chapter 06: The Old Woman who Lives in the Shoe Factory

Mira could not sleep.

Perhaps it is the striped pink wallpaper that is keeping her awake. Perhaps it is the faces of the disgustingly handsome faces of boy band members on posters plastered all over the walls and ceiling.

Mira can hear the muffled moaning of her roommates through the walls. Then she hears passionate kissing, slurping, and sucking.

Mira is getting uncomfortably wet. She starts to fondle her hardening nipples as the roommates start to shake the bed.

She had enough.

Mira leaps out of her bed and walks out to the hallway in nothing but a large t-shirt. She turns left and immediately enters the room.

Mira interrupts Becky and Red from making out. They are naked under the covers.

"What is it, Mira?" asked Becky.

"I can't sleep," she replied. "Can I sleep with you guys?"


Becky and Red push the sheets aside to make a clearing for Mira. Seeing that it is hot and sticky on the king-size bed, Mira takes off her large t-shirt that reveals her pale Pakistani skin, though she is still in her white bra and panties. Mira leaps from the floor and lands between Becky and Red. As she settles in, Becky proceeds to take off her bra and while Red proceeds to take off panties.

"W-what are you doing?" Mira asked.

"We're still horny," said Red.

"We took a couple of the Double-E pills," added Becky.

"Those haven't been tested," said Mira.

"We know."

Becky starts to nibble on Mira's ear.

"Stop," said Mira.

"What?" said Becky.

"What's wrong Mira?" asked Red. "Don't you want to be in a threesome?"

"Your nipples are hard, and you're wet. Are you sure you want to sleep with us?"

Mira rolls her eyes. She is tired of all the questions.

"Oh, just fuck me," said Mira, "and give me those pills."

Mira ingests two of the Double-E (Ecstasy Extreme) pills and proceeds to make out with Becky and Red.

That night Mira had the best and wildest sex ever.

Patrick Spoon cupped his crotch as photographers took pictures of the body of a large Arab. The blood from the Arab's crotch seeps through the white cloth when the forensics team covers the body up.

It is morning in the warehouse district of Nashville. After hearing reports of a fire and gunfire, the FBI sealed off the area and warehouse A89.

"Agent Spoon."

Spoon turns around. He sees agent Chandra Plate before him.

"Yes?" he answered.

"The police have found one of the child workers in the apartments not far from here," said Plate.

"Oh! Um, good. Get one of our men to question him."

"Yes sir."

Chandra walks away from him with a smile on her face. Spoon decides to head over and enter the warehouse office.

He sits down on the chair. On the desk are flag marks indicating female ejaculation stains of two familiar girls. He then looks over to see a tray full of red pills (Double-E) and a tray full of blue imitation Viagra pills. He picks one of the fake Viagra pills and starts to finger it.

"Mister Spoon?"

Spoon jumps and drops the blue pill. He looks over to see Chandra Plate entering the office.

"Ah, yes?"

"I came to tell you that the chemical analysis tests confirm the identity of Becky Wolfe and Red Little."

"As I expected."

"So, um, where's Dish?"

"He's investigating a crime scene at a Hispanic neighborhood."

"I see."

Plate lingers in the office looking around, playing with her hair, and bouncing her hips.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" asked Plate.

Spoon gulps hard.

"Me?" said Spoon. "I think I'll be going over the possible hideout locations of Wolfe and Little."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah. Fork has been breathing down on me and Dish for missing those two."

"I see. Well then, I'll see you in a little bit."


Chandra Plate leaves the office.

Spoon reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his Nokia cellular phone. He immediately dials.

"Hello?" answered a voice.

"Jonathan?" said Spoon. "You know we have Caller ID on our service."

"Oh, yeah," said Dish. "So how are things going on your end?"

"The usual. Becky Wolfe and Red Little strikes again. This time, they hit a warehouse that was making knockoff drugs."


Spoon starts to fiddle with the fake Viagra pill.

"How about you?" Spoon asked.

"The usual, likewise. We find a bunch of Arab mobsters headed by a very distant relative of a Saudi Prince, and German gangsters headed by an ex-Nazi scientist who went under the name of Ronald Stilzchen. It seems that there was a car chase that lead downtown, and Stilzchen got stuck on a pothole. He was then cut in two by what seems to be a Samurai sword."

"Becky Wolfe."

"You guessed it. However, the men we found dead by the blown up house have suffered from intense groin hemorrhaging"


"I know."

"Damn dykes. They killed some up over here in a similar fashion."


Spoon suddenly hears screaming at Dish's end.

"What is that screaming?" asked Spoon.

"Some woman claiming to be the younger sister of Shania and Gene Biggs."

"I see."

Spoon lingers on the line for a bit longer.

"Say, Jonathan."


"What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm taking my wife to dinner."


"You can come along if you want. She really wants to meet you."

"Actually, I'm kind of busy. I'll be working on pinpointing the location of Becky and Red. You know about our supervisor."

"I see."

"I'll talk to you later then."

Spoon hangs up, and puts his cellular phone in this pocket. He takes one good look at the blue pill, and then immediately swallows it. As he reclines back on the office chair, Plate bursts into the office.

"Agent Spoon."

She stops. She looks down at him and her eyes widen.

"What?" said Spoon.

Her jaw drops.


Spoon looks down. There is a bulge on his crotch.

"Oh, fuck."

After a long night of hot lesbian (tribade) threesome, Becky and Red awaken in the morning to find that Mira is gone.

"Grandma," said Red. "Where's Mira?"

Becky shrugs her shoulders.

"I hope we weren't too rough on her."

Then they hear singing. Then they hear the sizzle of a frying pan. Then suddenly they can smell the aroma of something delicious.

Becky gets into her kimono-like silk robe while Red puts on a t-shirt that reads "I'm an Angel, and I set things in fire!" The two of them run downstairs into the kitchen where a shining and singing Mira finishes up breakfast.

"Good morning, you two!" smiled Mira.

"Good morning!" they said.

"That smells nice!" said Becky.

"You're just in time," said Mira. "Oh, Red, I've prepared biscuits, bacon, and sausages for Miss Lindenberg."

Red takes a plate of bread and sausages and goes outside in the back. The new female dog, Huckleberry-Lindenberg-Snagglepuss, or HLS, springs from a hole she had dug and runs over to Red. Red puts down the plate and pets HLS as it eats. Tied around HLS's neck is a thin leather necklace Red gave her. Dangling from the necklace is a key ring with a fleshy prosthetic nose hanging off it.

Becky and Red begin to eat a good breakfast they had in a while. As they ate, Mira finds herself staring longingly at the two who are discussing trivial things, such as how Queer as Folk would be more interesting if they all the male characters were expert assassins working at a flower shop as a cover.

Already, Mira is enamored by Red's childish innocence and by Becky's easygoing strength and confidence. She simply cannot decide on who to stare at.

In no, time, Becky and Red finishes their meals. Then they look at Mira.

"Mira?" said Becky.

Mira blinks her eyes and snaps out of her fantasies.

"Uh, what?" she said.

"You haven't eaten your pancake."

Mira looks down.

"Ah, yes," she said. "Hold on."

Mira quickly wolfs down on her pancake.

"That was good."

"Not what do we do, Grandma?" Red asked.

"Hmm, let met think," said Becky, "...let's have sex!"

"What?" gasped Mira. "But we just did that last night!"

"I know, but I wanna do it again. This time, we'll tape it."

Becky throws off her silk robe, thus revealing her trimmed nude body. She heads to the living room to get the digital camcorder ready.

Red starts pulling Mira into the living room for another threesome romp.

"C'mon Mira!" said Red. "Let's have another threesome!"

Mira sighs. "Oh, okay."

And so, Becky, Red, and Mira had sex, while the camcorder recorded and HLS staring at the trio quizzically.

Afterwards, Becky had to go over to the Soul Food Bar to give Venus Gottmutter the latest report on her finished assignment. As usual, the pretty black waitresses blush and smile whenever they come within Becky's proximity or line of sight.

After Gottmutter confirms her success and the pay, Becky then receives an advance pay on her next assignment concerning an old woman who lives in a shoe factory.

Before Becky could go back home, Gottmutter called her back concerning a question that was asked a long time ago.

"Becky," said Gottmutter, "you asked about the existence of a certain glass slipper?"

"Why, yes," answered Becky.

"I hear rumors of a certain pair glass slippers that are the key or guide to some sort of treasure. It is so elusive that very few people know of its existence. It is the most sought-after items in the underworld."

Gottmutter smiles. "I am looking into it, Becky dear."

Something in Gottmutter's voice made Becky uncomfortable. However, she cannot be disrespectful of her employer, mentor, and friend.

"Thanks, Gottmutter," Becky smiled back.

Becky gives her a hug and a kiss on her cheek. Then she leaves for home after tipping the cute waitresses.

Back at home, Mira and Red had finished uploading the video of their recent threesome onto the Apple Powerbook, and did a rough edit. Mira got annoyed when Red insisted in putting Britney Spears' songs as a soundtrack for their video.

Afterwards, Mira cleaned up the house while Red and the dog HLS played outside. As Mira sweeps the back porch, Red sets fire to bee's nest, a hornet's nest, a squirrel tree, and an anthill. Luckily, Red emerges from each situation unscathed.

As Red sets some crickets on fire, Mira tells herself that what the little 17-year old is doing is somewhat wrong, yet that is what makes her attractive. She could not help but smile and become envious of the playful innocence of a girl trapped in a world of danger and deceit.

"Little Red!" Mira called.

Red turns around.

"Yes Mira?" she yelled.

"You've got scorch marks on your skin and clothes."

Red looks at herself, and then makes a funny face.

"I guess I did," said Red.

"Come over here."

Red complies and walks over to Mira who immediately proceeds to wipe the scorch marks off her forehead.

"Oh, wait am I going to do about you?" Mira said.

Suddenly, Red gropes one of Mira's breasts. Mira is taken aback, but does not retaliate.

"You have nice boobs," said Red. "Grandma likes to play with mine, but my boobs are small. So she plays with my nipples instead."

"Oh really?" said Mira.

With her breast, groped, Mira leans closer and closer to Red's lips. Red does not move an inch and stares deep into Mira's eyes. Half-hesitantly, Mira lands a kiss on Red's lips. After that kiss, they kiss again and proceed to make out.

They go inside the kitchen where Mira sets Red on the table. Mira immediately takes off her blouse and her bra, upon which Red excitedly starts to suck her nipples.

The two of them did not hear the screech of the blue Honda Civic Si sedan out in the front. Nor did they hear the bang of the screen door opening.

"I'm home!" yelled Becky.

Becky sees Red licking Mira's nipples. They've been caught.

"Um, it's not what you think!" exclaimed Mira.

Wait a minute, Mira thought. I just had sex with both of them at the same time--twice! Why do I need to say that?

"Grandma!" yelled Red. "Come join us!"

"Okay!" said Becky.

"Hey, wait a minute," Mira exclaims as Red and Becky start to lick her nipples.

From then on, Becky, Red, and Mira had hot sex on the kitchen table, while HLS stood watching them quizzically.

After sex, they lay in each other's arms until Becky said:

"I'm hungry."

"Me too," added Red.

Since Mira couldn't make lunch while engaging in a hot lesbian (tribade) threesome, Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS went over to the town to eat at the cafÇ-general store managed by the old couple, Petersons.

"Why, hello little Red Little!" greeted the elderly Mrs. Peterson. "You brought some new friends!"

"Hello grandma Peterson!" greeted Red.

HLS barks. The gruff Mr. Peterson, who is sweeping the floor looks up and sees the dog in his store.

"You cannot bring the dog here," he said.

"I'm sorry, little Red," said Mrs. Peterson, "but you have to let your dog wait outside."

So Red takes HLS outside and tells her to wait. After Red goes back inside, HLS sees another dog, a brown terrier, coming out of the alleyway of the general store. HLS springs to her four feet and chases the terrier back into the alleyway.

Back inside, Becky, Red, and Mira ate homemade sandwiches, chips, and soda.

"Ah, that is good food," said Becky after they all finished their meals.

"They just made their sandwiches with store-bought bread and meat," Mira noted.

"What we should we do now, Grandma?" Red asked.

"I know," said Becky. "Let's make out!"

And so they did, since Red and Becky sat next to each other.

Behind the counter, Mr. Peterson grumbles at the ungodly sight.

"Kids these days," grumbled Peterson, "pretty soon, the whole nations is gonna be filled with queers and fags."

"Oh, just relax," said Mrs. Peterson. "They're in love! Besides, we were like that when we were young."

"And your dad beat the shit out of me every time I made out with you."

Suddenly, they hear the yelp of a dog. Mr. And Mrs. Peterson goes out to the exit to the alleyway to behold two dogs humping each other.

Mrs. Peterson screams. Becky and Red ignore the scream until Mira taps them back to reality. Then they see Mr. Peterson running back to the counter.

"I want you all out!" he screamed.

"Huh? What happened?" Becky asked.

Mrs. Peterson stumbles back to the counter dazed and confused.

"Your dog is screwing with out pure-bred terrier!" yelled Mr. Peterson.

"How can that be?" Becky continued. "It must be your terrier screwing with HLS, however improbable that may be."

"No, I saw it with my own eyes. Your black dog is screwing our dog."

"But HLS is a girl!" exclaimed Red.

"If your dog is female, how can she screw our female terrier?"

The entire cafÇ-general store falls silent. Then Mira receives an epiphany and slams her fist into her other hand.

"Miss Lindenberg must be a lesbian!" exclaimed Mira.

"Tribade," Red corrected.

"Oh, sorry--I meant tribade."

"First us," grumbled Mr. Peterson, "and now it's the dogs as well! And I can't believe you gave your dog such a dirty name!"

"Huckleberry-Lindenberg-Snagglepuss is a dirty name?"

Becky leaps off the bench and heads over to calm Mr. Peterson down.

"Hey, relax," said Becky

"Don't touch me!" snapped Peterson.

"Aw, you know that's not good for your health. You should take my second rule of Assassin Mercenary Methodology to heart."

"Say, Mira, do you know the rules?" Red asked Mira.

"Kind of," said Mira.

"So what's the first rule, ladies?" Becky asked.

"The first rule of Assassin Mercenary Methodology is to kill only those who pose a definite threat to your life," recited Red and Mira.

"I'm itching to use that rule against you dykes," mumbled Mr. Peterson.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," said Becky. "And the second?"

"Always try to be relaxed," recited Red and Mira.

"And the third?"

"Scat is gross!"

"I'm thinking adding a couple of rules making watersports gross and foot fetishes illegal for those with foot fungus."

"Get out of my store," said Mr. Peterson.

Becky sighs. She then pulls something out of her pants pocket and tosses it to the still-dazed Mrs. Peterson.

"Here," said Becky.

"What is this?" asked Mrs. Peterson. She sees that she is holding a packet of two red pills.

"Double-E--also known as Ecstasy Extreme."

Without hesitation, Mrs. Peterson ingests the pills.

"Now you're a drug dealer?" exclaims Mr. Peterson.

Becky then shows him a packet containing one blue pill.

"This is yours," she said.

"I'm not taking it."

"You'd better. Your wife is going to be very horny in thirty seconds, and she'll be riding you like a bronco for thirty minutes. Besides, you two definitely need to get it on."

Mr. Peterson looks at the pill hanging before him. After much deliberation, he snatches the packet and ingests its contents.

"If this doesn't work," he said, "I'd better not see your face in this store ever again."

"If it does?" asked Becky.

"Then, just keep your lesbian..."


"Whatever--just keep your gay dog off our terrier."

"Remember the second rule," winked Becky.

So Mr. Peterson takes the hand of his already wet and horny wife and leads her into their small office. They close the doors and immediately begin having sex.

"Becky," started Mira. "I can't believe you gave them two untested pills to that couple!"

"Old Bible-thumpers need get laid once in a while," said Becky as she lights up a cigarette.

Unfortunately, Becky had delayed the others from their purchases of groceries and other items. To pass the time, Red reads the latest issue of Seventeen that featured an interview of Britney Spears, Mira reads a descriptive article teaching women on how to be nasty to your man in Cosmopolitan, and Becky looks high and low for a pornographic or a rock magazine.

"Damn small towns," grumbled Becky. "I can't find anything good to read."

Then Mira shows Becky a picture of a woman with exposed breasts inside Cosmo.

"Mira, you dirty slut," smiled Becky.

Thirty minutes passed. Becky, Red, and Mira have already gathered up their groceries at the checkout counter. Soon enough, HLS, who is done grinding the vagina of the Peterson's dog with hers, comes inside, and Red immediately pets her.

"I know old people take a while to finish having sex..." said Becky, who is leaning on the counter and tapping away.

"Maybe they're sleeping," said Mira.

"They shouldn't. They have customers waiting."

The impatient Becky gets off the counter and walks straight into the office.

"Uh, guys," she said. "I think we have a problem."

Mira, Red, and HLS burst into the office. They gasp. What they find is Mr. and Mrs. Peterson dead, naked, smiling, and in a loving embrace.

Mira checks their pulse.

"They're dead," she said.

"...Jim," added Becky. "I'm not doing mouth-to-mouth."

"Neither am I."

"Maybe we can jump start their hearts by kicking them."

So Becky and Mira repeatedly kick the naked Petersons, which creates bruises on their bodies. They stop until Mr. Peterson's (or was it Mrs. Peterson's?) urine spills to the floor.

"They're alive!" cried Becky. "They can pee!"

"No, that's just the bladder expelling the urine due to a lack of muscle resistance," explained Mira. "Or, it could be that we kicked them a little too much."

"Can I do clit-to-clit resuscitation?" Red innocently asks.

"Um, just on the living," said Becky, "like Mira and me."

Soon enough, the paramedics pick up the dead naked old couple and drives off. Becky and the others are relieved to hear that the cause of death was simply exhaustion from having really rough sex as evidenced by the bruises, not the pills themselves.

Unfortunately, they have no one to ring up the groceries they wanted to buy. So in their good intentions, Becky and the others left the closest amount of money for their purchases on the checkout counter in the event some relative will come over and takeover the cafÇ-general store. They left with their bagged goods not knowing that the resident crackhead (there's only one) will break in and steal the money they left behind, a pack of M & M's, one liter of orange soda, and an issue of Cosmopolitan to masturbate to.

After arriving home, Becky goes out to back to the woods to train, Mira prepares dinner, and Red and HLS sat in the living room editing the homemade lesbian porno and browsing the Internet on the Apple Powerbook notebook computer.

While waiting for the roast to finish, Mira heads out to the back and goes over to the forest where the Wolfe is training. Quietly, Mira dodges from tree to tree so she cannot interrupt Becky. Mira finally stops and pokes her head out to see Becky dressed in nothing but white panties and a black tank top. Her tall and trimmed body is completely covered in sweat, and her two wolf ears on the top of her head are damp.

Becky notices Mira. Mira jumps and hides behind a tree. She is blushing.

"Mira," said Becky. "What are you doing out here?"

Mira emerges from hiding. "I came to check on you."

"I see."

Becky sits down and throws a towel over her shoulders. She starts to drink from her bottled water. Mira watches as Becky flexes her shoulders.

"Are you sore?" Mira asked.

"A bit," replied Becky.

Mira heads over behind Becky. She drops to her knees and starts massaging her shoulders.

"Ooh, that is nice," said Becky.

"It's a good thing I took massage therapy class in college," said Mira. "But I only got halfway through the course."

"What happened?"

"I had to dropout because my parents were unable to pay for my tuitions. They died."

"I'm sorry."

"After that, I met this Pakistani chemist who offered me a job, but instead sold me off to Shadazz. I then had to rely on Ronald Stilzchen for my education in chemistry and medicine or else the situation would have gotten worse. Shadazz would have..."

Mira slumps down and accidentally, or perhaps half-intentionally, rests her hands on Becky's breasts. Realizing this, she jumps away from Becky in embarrassment.

"Oh, sorry!" she said.

"Huh, what?"

Becky turns around to see Mira about ready to cry. She goes over to her and puts her hands on her shoulders.

"Hey, hey," said Becky. "Don't cry. I've rescued you from Shadazz and Stilzchen remember? I even saved your son."

"You've done so much for me, Miss Wolfe," said Mira.

They stare deep into each other's eyes.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Becky asked.

"No," replied Mira. "I want you to kiss me."

And so, Becky kisses Mira passionately. Again. And again. Becky collapses on top of Mira on the forest floor and continues to make out with her. As she kisses her, Becky cups Mira's breast one hand while using the other hand to run her fingers inside her pants.

"Miss Wolfe," said Mira.


"Fuck me. Fuck me hard."

"I will."

Mira's blouse and bra comes off, so that Becky could peck her all the way down to her groin. Mira and Becky are now completely naked. Becky dives between Mira's legs and starts stimulate her orally.

Mira reaches the first orgasm. Becky the moves up so that she is directly above Mira from head to toe. Mira happily anticipates Becky's next dominating move.

"Grandma!" cried a familiar voice.

Becky and Mira turn their heads to see Red and HLS.

"Red-chan!" cried Becky.

"Damn," said Mira. "I meant..."

Before she could say anything further, Mira ends up in another hot threesome with Becky and Red, while their dog watches them just as quizzically as before.

By the time they were finished, dinner was ready. So they ate dinner. Mira served cornbread as desert, which everyone ate gleefully.

After dinner, Becky, Red, and Mira had another threesome.

Afterwards they took a hot bath together, upon which another threesome occurred.

Then they called it a night and slept in the same king-sized bed of the master bedroom. Hours later, they had another threesome.

Jonathan Dish had always made a habit not to trust anyone (except his partner, Patrick Spoon) with his government-issued FBI Taurus sedan, even though he is coming back from a dinner with his wife, whom he have not seen for months. Thus, there is nothing of value inside his car except his own self.

After parking the sedan in the parking garage of a four-star Nashville hotel, Dish takes an elevator up to the third floor. He walks down the hallway to his room and gets ready to open the door. Suddenly, a woman comes out just as she buttons up her blouse. Dish looks up and immediately recognizes her.

"Oh, Agent Dish!" said Chandra Plate.

"Agent Plate?"

"Um, I'll see you at work."

Ms. Plate nervously walks down the hall and disappears as she makes a turn into another hallway.

Dish enters his hotel room and sees Spoon tying the belt of his robe.

"John!" said Spoon.

Dish looks around the two-bed hotel room. He sees some of Spoon's clothes thrown on the floor. He then takes off his jacket and tie.

"It's really unprofessional to sleep with your co-workers during a crucial assignment," lectured Dish.

"What about you?" said Spoon. "It seems hypocritical to say that after you had dinner with your wife."

"My dad and Fork was with me."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot. Your father and Fork go back a long way."

"I just needed a break, that's all."

"I need a break too, you know."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried, but..."

"But what?"

"Never mind."

Spoon angrily jumps on his bed and faces away from Dish.

"Look, you just don't understand my situation," Dish said.

"Yeah, whatever," mumbled Spoon.

Dish and Spoon said nothing further to each other and slept through the night on their own separate beds.

In the next morning, Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS had breakfast. Immediately afterwards, Becky, Red, and Mira had sex while HLS watched like any confused dog would.

Today is the start of Becky and Red's second job. So they waved goodbye to Mira and left for Memphis. Left all alone in the cabin near the woods and a river, Mira decides to re-watch the taped videos of her threesome with Becky and Red. Feeling hot, she then masturbates the entire day about her two lovers while preparing lunch and dinner in between. At the same time, HLS scoured about town humping any female dog she sees.

After a long drive across the state of Tennessee, Becky and Red finally arrive at before the shoe factory in the Memphis factory district. As Gottmutter had said, the large factory the old woman Schumacher ran and lived in is distinguished by a worn-out giant mock-up of a brown worker boot above the front entrance.

They parked their car far from the factory and went out on foot. As they approach the building, Red puts on her silencer and takes out two guards patrolling the south wall. With them down, Becky and Red run to the windowed side entrance.

Becky peeks inside. She can't see anything. Becky gives the signal to Red and the two of them quietly sneak in. They tiptoe through the narrow and dark hallways until they can see light. They poke their heads to see something disturbing to children's rights activists.

There are a great number of adolescent and teenage children assembling shoes to sell in budget shoe stores. The children however, were all very special. Almost all of them show signs of mental retardation, and about one-third of them are afflicted with Down syndrome. Overseeing them are seven low-paid Mexican foreman shouting commands in broken English and sometimes beating an underperforming child. There are also ten white guards patrolling the inside with machine guns. There is a metal stairway leading up to the heavily guarded second floor offices, where Becky believes the target Schumacher is.

"Those poor kids," said Red.

"I'd go in guns ablazin'," said Becky, "but I don't have a gun. Besides, I don't want my conscious to be weighed heavily if they get hurt."

"So what do we do?"

"We go upstairs."

Becky discovers an enclosed stairwell leading up to the second-floor catwalks of the factory. They stand behind the door ready to attack.

"This way the guards will be shooting up towards us instead of down, thus lessening the chance collateral damage," Becky said. "You take out the guards on the catwalks while I run into the office."

"Got it," nods Red.

"If possible, try to get the kids out."


Becky counts down from two.

Immediately, a young woman with a long black trench coat and wolf ears on the top of her head burst out of the door a long with a girl decked in a crimson riding hood. Becky unsheathes her Shinseiki katana and immediately takes out the guard in front of her as she runs down the catwalk towards the office.

Gunfire ensues. While the guards fire at Becky, Red unloads her two handguns and takes her position to shoot all of the guards on the second floor dead with deadly precision. She immediately takes cover as the five remaining guards on the factory floor fire up towards her.

Becky successfully breaks into the offices. Meanwhile, Red shoots two of the machine gun guards dead on the first floor. Three more take cover behind the assembly benches and machinery. While the children take cover, Red leaps from the catwalk and kills one more guard. She then leaps and rolls over the benches and in one move she kills the remaining guards with one bullet each.

Then suddenly, six of the seven Mexican foreman start assault Red with their clubs. She dodges all of their attacks by jumping on the table. She shoots them down in their non-vital areas such as their shoulders, arms and thighs. She hears a scream. Red turns her head and sees the last foreman holding a stout Down syndrome girl with his club to her neck. He is shouting something incomprehensible to Red in Spanish. Red takes her pistol and shoots the Mexican foreman in the foot. The girl is now set free.

Red leaps off the table and opens the front door. She immediately shoots down the two guards guarding entrance, and then turns to the mentally challenged children.

"You're free!" she cried in exuberance.

The children simply stare at her. Could they not comprehend the situation they are in?

Red pulls out two bottles from underneath her crimson riding hood. One bottle contains the red pills known as Double-E, and the other contains the blue pills that are the imitation Viagra.

"I've got candy!" cried Red.

The children's eyes widened and their faces brightened into a full smile. They start to stampede towards Red. Red turns around and starts running outside so the children could follow her.

Inside the offices, Becky takes out two lightly armed guards in suits in one move each. She takes no notice of the barrels of red and blue candy at the corner and immediately burst into the next room.

She ends up into a dimly lit meeting room transformed into a makeshift smut studio. To her left sitting on a couch is a yuppie thirty something couple frightened by Becky's imposing presence. Also in the room are two more lightly armed guards, an Italian producer, a cameraman, and the old Schumacher sitting on the director's chair. They are about to film a scene with a Down syndrome boy and girl in bondage gear in a backdrop of hanging crimson and black cloths.

Becky is stunned, and raises her eyebrow at this strange situation.

"Who the fuck are you?" Schumacher demanded.

The suited guards immediately draw out their pistols, but their hands get cut off by the Shinseiki before they can fire. Becky decides to quiet their screams by cutting their heads off.

As the yuppie couple runs away, Becky moves towards Schumacher. She punches the producer in the face, and kicks the cameraman in the crotch, who in turn falls onto his video camera and breaks it. Schumacher leaps off her director's chair and runs to the other end of the room and pulls out her gun. Becky immediately slices her hand off. Schumacher falls to the floor screaming and clenching her bloodied wrist with her left hand. Becky proceeds to start kicking Schumacher until she falls unconscious.

Later, Becky puts Schumacher's severed hand in plastic bag full of ice. She then takes the hand and Schumacher and shoves them both in the trunk of the blue Civic Si sedan. Becky drives through the factory district until she picks up a hitchhiking Red, who is successful in setting the children free.

They stop at downtown where Becky and Red get out to pull the semi-conscious Schumacher out of the trunk and stuffs into an old metal barrel. Becky writes a quick note detailing what Schumacher did in her factory full of mentally challenged children and puts it inside the barrel along with her severed hand and her smut videocassette.

Becky and Red tip the barrel down so they can kick and roll it down the street.

"Ready?" said Becky.

"Fucking..." uttered Schumacher.

"Two... one..."

"If Güse finds out, you're dead!"

Becky hesitates.

"If I were this 'goose'," started Becky, "you wouldn't have much long to live."

"Nobody crosses Darryl and gets live to tell about it, Old Wolfe-Ears," taunted Schumacher.

Becky's brow furrowed in anger. She bends down to start yelling right in Schumacher's face.

"Where is she?" she yelled. "Where is Darryl Güse?"

"Fuck you!" screamed Schumacher. She then spits at Becky's face.

Becky straightens herself and takes a deep breath. She calmly wipes the old woman's face off her face.

"Kick it," Becky said.

"Okay," said Red.

Red kicks the barrel and sends its contents rolling down the street.

Mission accomplished, but Red cannot feel happy about it. She had just witnessed something wrong about Becky's response when she heard the name of Darryl Güse.

"Grandma," said Red. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Becky. "I nearly broke the second rule."

Red is not satisfied with the answer. Becky looks and sees that she is about ready to cry.

"Hey, relax," said Becky as she pats Red's petite shoulder. "We got the job done, right?"

"I guess."

"Pretty smart of you to use Double-E and fake Viagra to lure those kids out of the factory. Say, I could go for some of those red pills right now."

"Um, Grandma."


"I gave them all away."


"I gave the children all the Double-E and fake Viagra pills when we reached the safe distance."

Becky's jaw drops in astonishment.

"Are you telling me that somewhere in Memphis a horde of mentally challenged and Down syndrome kids are getting it on?"

Red nods.

"And me without my camcorder," laments Becky.

Chapter 7

Title: Ginger

Chapter 07: Ginger

Today has been a weird day in Memphis, Tennessee.

First off, a metal barrel rolled and bounced down the busy streets of the city. It was a sight to see--that is, until the sightseers, that being the numerous and easily distracted drivers, crashed into each other and managed to create one of the worst pileups in the city's history.

The barrel rolled and rolled until it crashes into the back bumper of a parked black sedan. Unfortunately, the sedan happened to be assigned to FBI agents Ryan Bowl and Steve Knife, who had just walked out of the Memphis FBI office to discover the barrel.

They immediately ran to move the barrel only to discover and beaten old woman inside. As they pulled her out, they also discover her severed right hand in a plastic bag full of ice, a videocassette, and a note.

After reading the note, they identified the old woman and then arrested her.

At another part of the city, the police and the social workers have found a horde of mentally challenged children between the ages of 14 and 18 wandering around the warehouse district. After rounding them up, the social workers borrowed the gym of a local high school and ordered and array of cots for the children to sleep in.

Things were going favorably until the elderly, religious, and kind social worker Elspeth came to check on the children during the night. When she opened the doors to the high school gym, she beheld a very disturbing sight--mentally challenged children (one-third of which afflicted with down syndrome) engaging in a massive orgy. Shocked and slightly aroused, Elspeth fainted.

Of course, no one can confirm what Elspeth saw was true since she was the only intelligent witness, but has remained in a catatonic state ever since. And no one would believe the ramblings of a 16-year old retarded male teenager who claimed to have nailed ten of his female comrades at that very night. That might have explained the numerous teen pregnancies, but the authorities choose to believe that the mentally challenged girls were victimized by their slave employers.

Like many other cases before this, the handsome Jonathan Dish and Patrick Spoon are called in to investigate the shoe factory where the children were forced to work in.

After going through the usual procedures of sealing off the area and zipping up corpses in black body bags, Dish and Spoon march up to the second floor offices and walk into the studio.

Spoon diligently looks through the shelves and shelves of videocassettes while Dish looked around dazed and with his hands in his pockets.

"So do you think it is true?" Spoon asked his partner.


"You know, that note that says Schumacher uses mentally challenged children as slaves while making down syndrome child porn videos.

"Oh, that."

"Is something wrong?"

Their eyes met. Dish takes a deep breath.

"Why is it that we end up doing these weird investigations?" complained Dish.

"It's our job," replied Spoon. "You know, you're usually serious than me regardless of the weird situations we end with."

"I'm sorry, but it's just that my marriage with my wife is falling apart."

"That's too bad."

"I don't know why my father and Fork have to butt in... Excuse me."

Dish walks out of studio frustrated. Spoon is about to go after him until he notices a digital videocassette player connected to a video monitor. He also notices a videocassette ejected out of the player. Spoon pushes the videocassette into the player. He turns on the monitor and presses play on the player. The first image that pops up is a particularly obscene act down by two Down syndrome children.

"Oh my God!" cried Spoon.

After a couple of seconds, the video didn't seem that shocking anymore. Rather, it started to arouse his interest. Spoon regains his composure and sits to down watch the entire tape.

"Whoa," he said.

An angry Becky Wolfe storms into the lively Soul Food bar. She spots the cute black female bartender named Julie serving drinks to a middle-aged couple and heads over to her.

"Hey Becky," greeted Julie. "Is something wrong?"

"Where is Gottmutter?" Becky demanded.

"Careful," said Gottmutter's voice. "You're about break your second rule."

Becky turns and sees Venus Gottmutter just entering the bar.

"Come this way," she said.

Becky and Gottmutter go out to the back storage room where two muscular black men nonchalantly haul in the many kegs of beer and bottles of wine.

"What is it?" Gottmutter asked.

"Why didn't you tell me Schumacher worked for Güse?" Becky asked.

"Was I supposed to know? Even if I did, I would refrain from telling you because of the incident in New Orleans about month ago."

"What do you mean? I killed that Cajun, right?"

"You didn't have to torture him and his friends mercilessly like a maniac just to get information on Güse. Because of that, you barely made out of Louisiana alive!"

Becky turns and kicks the bottom of a wine shelf.

"Becky, Güse is a dangerous woman, and she and her organization are more dangerous than the Cosa Nostra, the Triads, the Yakuza, the IRA[i], al-Qaida, and the Soldats[ii] combined. Hell, we're not even supposed to talk about her. Regardless, aren't you focused on looking for that glass slipper?"

Becky remembers. She finally calms down.

"I'm following some leads in the United Kingdom," said Gottmutter. "I'll get back to you when I got some information."

"Sorry about that Gottmutter," said Becky.

Gottmutter hugs Becky. "It's all right Becky dear," she said. "It's all right."

Becky hugs Gottmutter back tightly, but not with all her heart. There is a knot in stomach saying that her best friend and mentor may be hiding something.

Back at the cabin, Red and HLS are playing in the mud hole out in the back with loaded and potentially very dangerous firearms, such as a pair black Desert Eagles, an AK-47, a gas-powered machine gun. Fortunately, the guns are all so waterlogged that their all their machinery are jammed.

Mira steps outside and calls Red.


Red looks out from the hole.

"What is it, Mira?"

"Oh, you two. Come over get cleaned up."

Like a kind mother, Mira hoses down Red and HLS before they were to enter the house again. However, Mira's attention is directed towards the cute and petite Red Little, and she proceeds to towel her down.

"You're such a child, Red," said Mira. "We should go upstairs and take a bath together."

Red nods.

With a devilish smile on her face, Mira marches Red up to the upstairs bathtub located inside the master bedroom's bathroom. Mira locks the bathroom door and immediately proceeds to strip herself and Red.

Just outside the bathroom sits the dog HLS, wagging her tail and waiting obediently.

With the bathtub full of warm water, Mira sits at the end while Red sits forward and in front of her between her legs. Red reclines back so that her back is resting on Mira's breasts.

Mira proceeds to wash Red's petite breasts--for about five minutes until her nipples became hard.

"You're so cute little Red," said Mira. "I can't believe you're only seventeen!"

Red giggles. "Grandma says that old men will get arrested if they put their hairy penises in my vagina."

"Would I get arrested if I put my fingers in there?"

Mira runs her right hand down to Red's crotch. Red starts to moan as Mira simultaneously fondles her left breast and her pussy.

Then, Mira hears footsteps. Suddenly, the locked bathroom door flies open. Startled, Mira shakes wildly in the bathtub without realizing that the upward thrust of her right hand stimulated Red's clitoris enough so that she ejaculated in one orgasmic cry. Of course, no one in the bathroom could tell if she actually did under the bubble-filled water.

Becky is here. She had just kicked the bathroom door open. She looks down to see Mira already giving Red pleasure.

"Mira, you dirty slut," Becky smiled.

"Grandma!" Red cried. "Come join us!"


Drat, thought Mira.

Right after Becky stripped herself naked, Mira, Red, and she had a threesome--again. HLS watched.

After dinner, they had another...

...and another after going to bed.

Somewhere between or during the three threesomes an overwhelmed Mira, for health reasons probably, had complained that there should only be three threesomes per day. More than likely, Beck and Red agreed to her request while having performing oral daisy chain on each other.

On the next morning, Mira purposely interrupts and starts to make out with Becky, who had been trying to the old jeep in the garage separate from the cabin.

Soon enough, Red comes barging in.

"Grandma!" she yelled. "I broke the computer!"

Red looks over and spots Mira and Becky's legs and feet protruding from behind the jeep. She walks over and sees Becky on top of Mira with their shirts open and breasts exposed.

"Red-chan," said Becky.

Drat, thought Mira.

Red smiles and immediately takes off her clothes. She joins Becky and Mira to form a threesome. Again, HLS watched.

After the threesome, Mira made a mental note to check off one of the three allowed threesomes per day. She goes back to the cabin to the dishes and then masturbates.

Becky then resumes attempting to repair the jeep to no avail. She had asked Red to download a repair manual off the Internet. Instead, Red somehow ended up in a porn website that bombarded the laptop computer's operating system with pop-up windows advertising many things such as a secret bestiality orgy sect in Alabama, a reopening of a watersports lounge that serve ginger ale made from urine, Gene Duo Biggs's controversial online art gallery of white and black women engaging in outrageously weird acts in the nude, a memorial fan site to Gregory Jacob's (A.K.A. Humpty Hump's) lost nose, and down syndrome child porn. Red could not stop the pop-ups as they re-spawn when she closes a window. Thinking that the laptop computer has been possessed, she resolves the problem by shooting it with her handgun.

Red joins Becky in trying to figure out how to get an unused vacation jeep running. Obviously, neither of them, including Becky and HLS, are mechanics, and they need the jeep as an additional transport when Mira uses the Civic to visit her estranged infant son who is under the care of a former co-worker.

"What do you think, Red-chan?" Becky asked as she and Red stare at the exposed engine of the jeep.

"I think that some day tribades will get their girlfriends or wives pregnant through tribadism," said Red.

"I'll keep that in mind. What else?"


Becky begins to think as well. Using her Shinseiki katana to fix the jeep might not be a smart idea.

"I know!" Red said.

Red pulls out her shotgun, cocks it, and aims it directly at the car engine. She shoots. The jeep explodes and sets the entire garage on fire.

It is too late for Becky to warn Red not to use firearms as a substitute for power tools. Luckily, they escape the explosion with their limbs and skin intact.

So Becky does the usual scolding by boxing Red's ears and calling her "baka Red-chan." Then the two went inside to eat some of Mira's delicious home-cooked corn bread along with whiskey, juice, and Pixy Stix.

After that, the girls had another threesome. HLS watched.

Mira then made a mental note to check off number two of the three allowed threesomes per day.

She then takes a shower, dresses nicely, and heads downstairs so she can drive the blue Honda Civic Si sedan over to her estranged infant son.

Right when she opens the front door, she notices a United States Postal Service van driving away from her. She takes a step and notices that her foot hits something. She looks down to see a boxy package.

It might be a bomb, thought Mira.

"Is that a package?" asked Becky.

Becky runs down the stairs and accidentally kicks the package across the front yard, which causes Mira's heart to thump and jump. Becky then picks up the package and starts to shake it wildly. Mira's heart starts to beat faster and faster in anticipation of an explosion.

"Becky!" gasped Mira. "That might be..."

"Oh, yeah!" said Becky. "Gottmutter must have found that glass slipper."

"Glass slipper?"

Becky puts the box down and unsheathes her Shinseiki katana. She vertically slices open the package and out spills a bunch of white packaging popcorn, an invoice, and a small sex toy encased in a plastic. Becky picks up the sex toy and takes a closer look, while Mira joins her.

"What is it?" Mira asked.

"Dunno," replied Becky.

Becky rips open the plastic with her mouth. To their astonishment, the item is a crimson double strap-on.

"A strap-on," said Becky, "with two dildos."

"But they are so small," added Mira. "Yet, they are cute."

"Maybe it's a fad to imitate the dicks of young boys. You know, for those older women types."

"Or the older men types."

"But why two I wonder?"

Suddenly, Becky takes off her pants and panties and attempts to try it on. The double strap-on will not stay on, as the harnesses are too short to go around her thighs and buttocks.

"It doesn't fit," said Becky.

"That's too bad," said Mira.

Becky looks at Mira, and then smiles.

"Take off your pants," commanded Becky, "and your panties."

Mira's face reddens. "What?" she said.

As it turns out, Becky did not want to try to use the double strap-on Mira, but to see if it fits on her. No go. The harnesses are still too short go around Mira's smaller thighs and buttocks.

"I wonder what this is for?" asked Mira.

"It might fit on Red-chan," said Becky. "Red-chan!"

"Coming!" yelled Red.

Red Little comes running out through the front door and joins up with the pantyless Becky and Mira, who are toying with the small double strap-on.

"Ah, it arrived!" cried Red. "HL-Snagglepuss!"

Their dog, the female Huckleberry-Lindenberg-Snagglepuss (HLS for short) comes running from the side of the cabin and joins up with Becky, Mira, and Red. Red takes the small double strap-on and puts it on HLS. The sex toy is a perfect fit for HLS, as evidenced by her happy tail wagging.

Astonished, Becky and Mira's jaws drop.

"There you go, HL-Snagglepuss," said Red. "Now off you go."

"Arf!" barked HLS.

And so HLS runs off towards town pursuing her canine homosexuality.

Becky and Mira turn their heads toward Red.

"Y-you mean," gasped Mira, "that double strap-on wasn't for you?"

"W-where did you get that Red-chan?" Becky asked.

"At the Online Erotic Pet Store!" Red answered.

Becky and Mira slowly turn their heads to each other. Then they turn back towards the cute and smiling Red.

"One of these days, you're gonna show me that website," said Becky.

Then she looks down and notices Red's amusing t-shirt that read "I'm an Angel, and I fuck yo' mama!"

"And you also gotta tell me where you get your t-shirts," she added.

"Okay, Grandma!" smiled Red.

And I gotta find the other half of her glass slipper or else I'm gonna be called 'Grandma' until I become one, Becky thought.

At that point, Red alternate looking at Becky and Red because they are pantsless and pantyless.

"What is it Red?" Mira asked.

Red looks down at her exposed crotch. Mira's face reddens and she immediately covers herself.

"Now that we're pantyless, let's have another threesome!" said Becky.

"Wai!" cheered Red. "Threesome! Threesome!"

"But I have to visit my son right now!" complained Mira.

"Don't worry," said Becky. "We'll keep it under ten minutes."

"Threesome! Threesome!" continued Red as she undresses herself.

Damnit! thought Mira. Becky and I were pantyless first! We should be having sex!

The girls commenced another threesome on the spot. It was quite enjoyable despite Mira's inner objections. This time, however, HLS was not there to watch since she was fucking the brains out of a border collie.

As promised, Becky and Red kept the threesome romp at exactly nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds. Mira rushes to take another shower and dresses in clean clothes. She then drives off in the Civic Si while making a note to check off number three of the three allowed threesomes per day.

Naked, Becky and Red sits in the front yard staring out to the world.

"Let's go to grandma Petersons's store!" Red said.

"We can't," said Becky. "She and her husband are dead. The shop is closed."


For a couple more seconds, they stare out to the world.

"How about we go to the record store?" suggested Red.

"Sure," said Becky. "Why not?"


Red leaps up to her feet and runs down the road that leads to the town.

"Record store! Record store!" Red cheered.

"Hey!" Becky screamed. "Put some clothes on first! We don't want to attract any dirty old men!"

After putting her clothes on first, Becky manages to catch up to the streaking Red and slaps onto her her amusing t-shirt, her short-shorts, her crimson riding hood, and a concealed firearm. Something else was missing, but Becky immediately forgets as they arrive into town.

Inside the local record store, Red browses the oxymoronic Pop/Rock section while Becky searches high and low for any semblance goth-rock, punk-rock, metal, death metal, or at least any music group that have not sold themselves to a major record label.

"Do you have any albums by Korn?" Becky asked the record storeowner Ted.

"Town statute states we can't carry any album that has had a parental advisory label on it," replied Ted, "even if it is a clean version.

"How about Orgy?"




Becky sighs. "Thanks for your help."

As Becky sulks off, she spots an alluring CD album that has three sexy blonde girls on the cover with a very suggestive title. Becky remembers seeing a lesbian (tribade) porn video of the very same title, and thinks that might be a soundtrack or an image album. Becky rushes to pick up the album in order to take a closer look.

"Whoo-hoo!" she cried. "This might be interesting!"

Unfortunately, she discovers that she has been deceived. The CD happens to be of Dixie Chicks top-selling release Wide Open Spaces[iv]. Becky thought the group's name was "Dyke Chicks" due to the unique font. Disappointed, Becky returns the album to the country section where she found it.

"Grandma!" cried Red.

Becky turns to see Red has selected another purchase--it is another Britney Spears CD.

"Red-chan," said Becky. "I bought the album compilation, remember?"

"But I don't have the single."


Before Becky can say anything to avoid such a purchase, Red gives her the puppy-dog eyes of financial death. Becky gives in pats Red on the head.

"Fine," said Becky. "I'll purchase the single."

"Yippie!" cheered Red.

At that moment, an old white Caucasian male and a black deputy walks into the record store. The old white male is the aptly named Commissioner White, and the black deputy is the aptly named Deputy Black. Commissioner White begins to talk to the storeowner Ted. Ted turns and points directly towards Becky and Red. White and Black begin to head over to the two girls.

"Dirty old man approaching from three o'clock," Red whispered. She quietly puts her hand on the pistol hidden under her shirt and gets ready to pull it out.

Becky puts her hand on Red's shoulder. "Wait a second," said Becky. "Let's see what they want."

"Are you the girls who reported the death of the Petersons?" asked Commissioner White.

"Yes," replied Becky. "What of it?"

Commissioner White turns to Deputy Black. Black nods and gives Becky a set of tri-folded papers.

"What is this?" asked Becky as.

"The Petersons' will states that the last people who were present at their deaths will be the ones to inherit their general store," replied White.

Becky opens up the papers and skims through them.

"God bless their souls," continued White.

"Red's name is written on this will," said Becky.


White pats Red on the head.

"You are the new owner of their general store little girl," he said.

Red's innocent eyes peers back up to Commissioner White. He smiles back at her.

"Are you a dirty old man?" asked Red.

White blushes. Deputy Black and the storeowner Ted started chuckle quietly.

"Hey," said White. "Be quiet you two!"

Luckily for the commissioner, Becky and Red leaves to check out the general store before Red had any thoughts of gunning down a possible child molester or sex offender.

When they arrived, the general store had begun to fall apart and had acquired large amounts of dust. The newspaper dispensers had been broken into, and the main window has a large crack. A famished female terrier of the late Petersons' paces around the back of store wondering where her owners have gone. HLS catches sight of the terrier chases her down the alley. The terrier now has a third encounter with the large female Doberman--this time, with specially made double-dildo strap-on for tribade dogs.

Becky and Red enter the general store. There is dust and cobwebs all over the empty shelves. Sleeping between the aisles is resident crack addict Joe who had just woken up upon the girls' entrance.

Becky and Red turn their faces towards crack addict Joe, who is frantically gathering all his belongings onto his person.

"Oh, sorry, ladies," said Joe. "I'll leave right away. Hey, Davina! We gotta go!"

"Okay," said a very deep voice.

Out from the unisex restroom comes a very tall male transvestite heroin addict with long messed-up bleached hair, heavy make up, and hair stubbles on his shaved legs. The grossed-out Becky and Red resisted all temptations of slicing and shooting up of Davina until he left the store with Joe.

Now, Becky and Red stand inside a general store they inadvertently inherit. What to do with it, did they wonder.

The two of them decided to reopen store better and faster than how the Petersons ran it. This time, they will serve cornbread in the café and it will be good.

Throughout the whole day, Becky and Red cleaned up the dust, the filth, and the semen stains left behind by time and by two drug addicts.

When the evening came, Mira came back from her visit to her estranged son. She notices that the lights are on in the late Petersons' general store. She stops the car in front and goes inside to investigate.

Becky finishes up tidying up the shelves in preparation for a reopening. Meanwhile, Red sweeps her dust broom happily to the blaring tune of Britney Spears' latest single coming from a CD boom box.

"Baka-Red-chan," said Becky. "You're supposed to sweep the dust into the dust pan, not into the trash bin."

"Sorry, Grandma," said Red.

"Hey guys," Mira greeted.

"Mira!" greeted Red.

"Hey Mira," greeted Becky. "How did your visit go?"

"Beck Red Rama is doing fine!" said Mira.

"Beck Red?"

"I've named my son after you guys."

"That's so neat!" cried Red. "Are we godparents now?"

"Of course you are! So what are you guys doing?"

"We're tidying up this place for its grand-reopening!" replied Becky. "Plus we'll use this store as a front and a secondary source of income just incase we don't have any mercenary-assassination jobs for a while."

"I see."

"And we're renaming it 'Red's'."


"A dirty old man gave me the deed to this store," said Red. "I have a store!"

"A dirty old man?"

They hear a knock on the glass door.

"Excuse me," said a black female voice.

"I'm sorry, but we're not open yet," said Becky.

A pretty black woman comes into view.


"Hello Becky," greeted Julie. "I couldn't find you at the cabin, but a deputy told me you'd be here."

"Has Gottmutter sent you?"

"Indeed. She said that there is an urgent job that needs to be done if you choose to accept it."

Becky and the gang close up the shop and take a quick trip to the Soul Food bar in Nashville. After receiving the details from Gottmutter herself, Becky accepts the job despite the sudden urgency. She needs the money to buy a new jeep, a motorboat, repair the garage, and pay for the expensive wireless Internet service.

The grand opening of 'Red's' will have to wait.

Somewhere in Somerville, New Jersey.

The first week of April in the year 1999 C.E..

Today has been a special day in the Somerville public library, for it has unveiled its new installation of new computers for use with catalog searching and Internet browsing. The librarians and system administrators spent the entire day instructing others and themselves on the proper use the new technology.

After a man spent hours online browsing through porn sites, the librarians thought about installing filtering software.

The evening came, and it is three hours until closing time. The library patrons sit in front of the computers browsing. For most of them, this is the first time that there is an incredible wealth of utterly useless, offensive, and outright wrong information right on their fingertips.

However, one of patrons, who is sitting at the very middle, chuckles as she presses the spacebar key. She quietly logs off and walks away from her terminal with a mischievous smile.

After she left the library, the patrons continue their innocent browsing of the World Wide Web. Then suddenly all the computer monitor screens start to malfunction and flicker. The patrons begin to complain at the loss of service until the screens turn back on. Instead of the usual login screen, there is an animated computer image of a fully clothed Jesus having doggy-style sex with seems to be a fully clothed Mary Magdalene.

The outrage pours in. Parents cover their children's eyes. The librarians and system administrators rush to fix the problem, but they fail. The network is infected with an intricate computer virus, which they cannot seem to get rid of.

The librarians had to close the library early. A special FBI unit headed by Paul Cooker and Stanley Rice Steamer is sent to investigate and contain the spread of the virus.

They are not surprised on who the culprit is. Underneath the animated computer image of the Jesus-Mary sex is the calling card of a hacker they have been after for many months. Like all the hacks and website defacements she has done, her calling card message went like this:

I've pissed on a fat old hag,

A dirty old man,


The Democrats,

The Catholics,

The Microsoft Corporation,

The Aryan Nation,

And the Southern Baptists,

And I will keep pissing on you, I will!

Run, run as fast as you can, you mother-fuckin' Feds!

You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Grrl!


Riding on a rickety green scooter is a beautiful and tomboyish girl laughing manically at the virus she had just implanted on the Somerville public library. She has very short hair and is dressed in black slacks, black Lugz shoes, and a black jacket. She wears glasses and a t-shirt that reads "People Suck" on the front. Often times, she can be mistaken as a teenage boy. Her name is Ginger Baker--AKA, the Gingerbread Grrl. She is 18 years old and a runaway.

Ginger returns home to an apartment she had swindled from a couple by posing as a county commission secretary. After parking her green scooter, Ginger grabs her mail from one of the stuffed mail boxes and then heads over to her apartment on the second floor. Waiting for her on the stairs are two young men in trench coats and baseball caps. The lanky and extremely longhaired one is Jay, and the stout and round bearded fellow is the aptly named Silent Bob.

"Yo Ginger!" cried Jay.

Ginger looks up and sees the offbeat duo.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"You still owe me for the hashish I gave you."

Ginger searches her jacked for something to give to Jay as payment. She pulls out a 3com Palm Pilot personal digital assistant (PDA) and tosses it over to him.

"What the hell is this?"

"It's a Palm Pilot," said Ginger. "You can put your hoochies' phone numbers in it."

"I don't want it."

"Then sell it; give it back to the local economy for all I care."

Ginger brushes past the duo while the dumbfounded Jay toys with his new device. Silent Bob watches as Ginger disappears into her apartment.

It is dark inside. Ginger walks past a trip laser and the entire living room flashes brightly to life. An array of computers, monitors, and thermal pipes run about the area, and there is little room to move around. There is a small twin-sized mattress on the floor in the very middle of all this technology.

Ginger flips through the mail, which consists of rental, electric, and credit card bills, as well as numerous misdemeanor fines she has to pay. She organizes them on a tiny table by the wall next to the hallway. Hanging on the wall before her in numerous Mylar sleeves is a mosaic of fake identification cards and fraudulent credit cards under many identities, some of which have made-up names while the rest are those from identity theft.

Ginger opens up a thick three-ring binder and that was lying on the floor. She flips through it and pulls out a select number of fraudulent checks from different checkbooks. She writes in the exact amount and forges a unique signature on each check to match up to each bill. She then organizes each check and bill and stuffs them into an overflowing letter bin that reads "to pay." Of course, she would just forget to mail the bills and instead decides to forge a new account or steal a new identity just to receive services.

After having a quick meal of instant noodles, she takes a quick shower and changes into her usual sleepwear, which consists of just her undergarments and a tight-baby t-shirt. If not for her short hair, Ginger is very cute and feminine.

Ginger takes off her glasses and sets it aside. Then she plops down on her lonely mattress and starts curling up. After fifteen minutes of idle operation, all of her computers go into "sleep" mode, and all the lights in her apartment slowly dim to blackness. Ginger sleeps through the rest of the night amidst the whirring of the cooling fans, the pulsing of the rubber cooling tubes, the grinding of the hard drives, and the hum and buzz of the computer power supplies and surge suppressors.

On the next day at noon, Ginger tries to purchase coffee at the local Starbucks with a fraudulent Discover credit card.

"It's not going through," said Mariel, the cashier.

"Try this one," said Ginger.

Ginger hands Mariel a fraudulent CapitalOne[v] Visa card.

"Sorry, but this doesn't work," said Mariel.

By this time, a line is starting to form from behind Ginger. Unfortunately, the only cashier on duty is Mariel, and the customers, who range from trendy sixteen year-olds, yuppies, and white-collar workers, are becoming restless.

"How about I write you a check?" Ginger asked.

"Is it going to bounce like last time?"

Ginger pushes her checkbook back into her left jacket pocket. From her pants pocket, she pulls out a $100 bill.

"Here you go," said Ginger.

Mariel takes the bill and rings up the purchase. Right before she lifted the cash tray to hide the $100 bill, she notices something odd about it. She squints for about five seconds and then says:

"This bill is marked," said Mariel.

At this point, the caffeine-addicted customers in line are groaning.

Ginger sighs and starts digging all over pants and jacket pockets for any unmarked cash. One by one she musters up wads of wrinkled five and one-dollar bills as well as dirty quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. At the last penny, Ginger barely fulfills the amount of the $20 extra-large cappuccino--plus tax.

Ginger finally sits down drinking her frothy overpriced caffeine drink, not knowing that when she puts the cup down, she left some foam on her mouth that might indicate she might have some dirty rabies. She pulls out a wrinkled sheet of paper and flattens it out on her table. The paper is titled, "Groups to Piss Off." On the paper is a handwritten list of crossed-out names of various organizations, all of which are either benign, radical, or powerful. Chewing on her pen, which she stole from bank executive when she applied for huge loan, Ginger thought about the next target to piss off. The names that are not crossed-out on her list include the Free Software Foundation and the H. J. Heinz Company.

She's thinking about adding Starbucks on the list for various reasons.

Suddenly, a café falls silent as three imposing Caucasian fat men in long black leather trench coats and shaved heads walk in. After taking their orders of a small coffee each, they at the table at the far corner of the café where all of them can see Ginger. They take off their trench coats, revealing a small swastika pin on their suit jackets.

Ginger looks down at her list. She has "Neo-Nazis" crossed out.

Some of the offended patrons, possibly secular Jews, quietly left Starbucks. Seconds later, three fat Jewish men wearing the usual yarmulkes[vi] enter the café, ordered their coffee, and then sat another far corner where they can see Ginger.

Ginger looks down at her list. She has the "Anti-Defamation League" crossed out.

Some of the offended patrons, possibly Protestant Christians or Muslims, quietly left Starbucks. Seconds later, three well-dressed fat black men enter the café. They ordered their coffee black, and then sat down at another far corner where they can see Ginger.

Ginger looks down at her list. She has "NAACP[vii]" crossed out.

Some of the offended patrons, most likely white Anglo-Saxon Protestants, quietly left Starbucks. Seconds later, three average-looking middle-aged men walked and ordered coffee. One of them spots a little boy, winked at him, and made a sensual growling noise.

Ginger quickly looks down at her list. She has "NAMBLA[viii]" crossed out.

Okay, Ginger thought, now it's getting weird--and dangerous.

So Ginger puts away her list and quietly heads over to the ladies bathroom. Unlike the other Starbucks in the city of Somerville, this one has a narrow window high above the floor for girls to escape through or for the use male perverts. Ginger breaks the window out and squeezes herself through.

Outside, she lands painfully on the asphalt. After recovering and brushing the dust off herself, Ginger runs over to the parking lot and starts up her scooter.

"Excuse me," said a British voice.

Ginger turns around and sees a trio of blind Londoners. She notices that underneath their jackets are pistols. They are from the Royal National Institute of the Blind, another group that Ginger had crossed out on her list.

"Is this the Starbucks on Nutmeg Avenue?" asked one of the blind Londoners.

"Yes, of course."

"Thank you kind lady."

The three blind Londoners start to walk towards the café.

"Are you looking for the Gingerbread Grrl?" Ginger asked them.

The three blind men stop and turn towards Ginger.

"She's probably talking to the Nazis, the Jews, or maybe it was the black men. Anywho, one of those guys is probably hiding her."

"We will keep that in mind," said one of the blind Londoners.

The three blind men resume walking to Starbucks. Ginger drives away just in time, because a shootout between fat white and black men, some pedophiles, and three blind sharpshooters commences.

"That was close," Ginger said to herself as she rides down the long road. "I wonder who could have tipped them off?"

Then suddenly, a dark American sedan with a NRA sticker on the front window screeches out of nowhere and begins to chase Ginger. A man with a M16 assault rifle begins to fire at Ginger. Ginger makes a quick turn and loses them in the alleyway. She flies out of the alleyway and loses control as she rides down a steep hill. After a rocky ride, Ginger finally makes back to the pavement. Then she hears the roar of noisy motorbike engines approaching her. Ginger turns to see a fleet of intimidating bikers on Harley-Davidson bikes. They are the Hells Angels.

"Is that her?" said one of the bikers.

"It must be her!" said another.

The bikers draw out their handguns and start shooting at Ginger. Ginger revs up her scooter speeds away from the Hells Angels.

The chase continues down the street, and the Hells Angels are rapidly closing in. Ginger turns around to see some of the bikers falling off their bikes due to interfering gunfire. All of a sudden, a blue Civic Si sedan plows right between the Angels and Ginger.

The passenger side of the sedan faces the bikers. The front window rolls open, and an AK-74 fires at the Hells Angels. The bikers and the bikes that are not shot run away from the intense firepower.

Ginger falls of her scooter. The driver side doors fly open.

"Get in!" yelled Becky. "The Angels and the NRA are coming after you!"

Ginger obeys the young woman who happens to have wolf ears on the top of her head and dives into the back seat. The doors close right away when Becky floors the accelerator pedal.

"Red-chan, is the NRA guys right behind us?" Becky asked.

The crimson-hooded Red Little pokes her head out of the front passenger window. "They're closing in!" she cried.

The dark American sedan that assaulted Ginger from before is now firing at blue Civic she is in. Red switches to a fully automatic Glock pistol on her left hand and carefully fires at the American sedan's tires when Becky makes a sharp turn. The dark sedan spins and crashes into a wall.

Red retreats to her seat and rolls up her window. Ginger, while lying on the lap of a woman, is astounded at what she had just witnessed. She then sits back up and looks to her right and to the person she landed on.

The sight of Ginger makes Mira's face red and her heart begins to race.

Then Ginger realizes that she is also sitting with a black Doberman Pincher who has prosthetic nose on her collar instead of a dog tag. She also notices that the dog seems to have two erect penises.

"Who are you guys?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm Mira Rama!" said Mira as she held both of Ginger's hands. "I just tagged along for the ride since we were in a rush to get here. Basically, I'm a homemaker, a very important one. Say, do you go to college? What's your major?"

"I'm Becky Wolfe," said Becky. "This here is Red Little. Say hello Red."

"Hello Red!" greeted Red.

"You've already met Mira Rama, our homemaker and cook. Sitting next to you is our dog HLS."

"Bark," said HLS.

Ginger could not believe the name these strange girls gave to a dog with two well-endowed sexual appendages. Then she realizes that the strange and beautiful Pakistani woman is still holding her hands and eagerly smiling at her.

"Um, Mira is it?" said Ginger.


"Let go."

"Oh, sorry!"

Mira finally lets go of Ginger's hands.

"So what do you want with me?" Ginger asked. "Did I deface your website or something?"

"We're here to protect you until we take you to the ones who paid us," replied Becky.

"Who? The mafia? The Islamic Jihad Front? The Robotech fan club?"

"Your parents."

"Shit. Those old geezers are still alive? What do they want with me?"

"Who knows?"

"Like hell I'm going back."

"You have no options. You're in a moving car, and a lot of people want you dead."


Minutes pass. While thinking about a way to get out of this mess, Ginger notices that Mira is taking quick and smiling glances at her. Ginger is tempted to call her some racially derogatory terms, such as "Paki", "Islamic extremist", or "terrorist", but she did not have the heart to do so. At the same time, Ginger also notices HLS chewing on her favorite toy, which is the prosthetic nose.

That nose reminds her of a song sung by a has-been rapper:

All right stop--collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention...[ix]

"That wasn't even the right artist," Ginger said to herself.

"Bark!" said HLS.

"What do you want?"

Ginger looks over and notices a Winchell's donut shop is fast approaching. Then she looks at the trigger-happy crimson-hooded Red Little finishing loading up a pistol.

"Hey, Red," Ginger called.

"Yes?" she answered.

"Can I see that gun?"


Red hands over to Ginger her gun. Ginger then opens up the window and takes aim with the pistol. She shoots.

The bullet flies from the barrel and strikes the coffee cup of a fat Somerville police officer who had just walked out of Winchell's with a bag of half-dozen donutsx. The coffee cup is knocked out of his hands and spills all over his beer belly, which then scalds him painfully.

"That's for giving me a ticket for that fake over-21 ID!" jeered Ginger.

The apparent voice of reason, Mira says nothing as she is too absorbed in staring longingly at Ginger.

"Ginger, what the hell did you just do?" Becky asked.

All of a sudden a force of police car appears out of nowhere and gives Becky and the girls a chase. Becky floors the accelerator pedal and speeds down dense traffic just as the number of police cars increase sharply.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Becky exclaimed. "That cop never did anything to you!"

"In many ways he did," said Ginger. "He and his colleagues are corrupt!"

"In what ways?"

"Um, er, I just don't like Jersey cops."

"Regardless, that was very stupid of you to waste Red's bullet," said Becky.

"I told you," started Ginger, "I don't want to go back to my old folks' home! Now drop me off at my apartment or else I'll make your life a living hell!"

"Not a chance."


Ginger rolls the window back down and starts firing in random directions with Red's pistol.

"Do you need any bullets, Ginger?" Red asked.

"Girl, you're one step closer to saying to hello to my little Shinseiki," Becky said to Ginger.

"Please don't do that!" cried Mira. "There's has to be another way to quiet her down!"

"Of course there is!" cried Ginger. "Either you take me home or I'll fuck your Indian or Arab friend!"

I wouldn't mind, thought Mira.

"Fine," Becky said.

Becky dramatically spins the steering wheel and in no time she loses the cops.

She drives everyone to the run-down apartment complex that is full of lowlifes from all ethnicities and religions.

Upon parking, Ginger immediately leaps out of the car.

"Thanks for nothing, jerkwads," she waved. Ginger immediately runs back to her apartment. After entering, she breathes a sigh of relief. Then immediately, she grabs her backpack and puts in a change of underwear, extra clothes, some cash, and her favorite top-of-the-line notebook computer from IBM.

Thirty seconds has passed. Then there is a bang on the door. Ginger makes her way back to the front door and looks through the peephole. It is Becky and her friends.

"Open up," commanded Becky.

"What the fuck?" cursed Ginger.

Ginger jumps back just as Becky kicks the door open. Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS soon enter.

Becky notices Ginger's packed backpack. "Good," said Becky. "You're ready. Now let's go."

"What the fuck are you guys doin' here?" demanded Ginger. "I thought I told you to drop me off!"

"We did. You didn't specify how long you're gonna stay."

Becky grabs the collar of Ginger's black jacket and starts to drag her outside. Mira, Red, and HLS immediately follow.

"Becky, please be careful with Ginger," said Mira.

"Let go of me you bitch!" cried Ginger.

"No way," said Becky.


Ginger turns her head and sees Red trotting along with an innocent smile on her face.

"Hey, Red," said Ginger, "give me your gun."


Red gives Ginger her gun. Ginger cocks the gun and pushes the barrel onto Becky's cheek.

"Now let me go!" demanded Ginger.

Becky lets go of Ginger. With the gun still aimed at Becky, Ginger struggles to her feet and starts to walk away from her and her friends.

"That's good Ms. Becky Wolfe," said Ginger. "Don't you dare move..."

Becky unsheathes her Shinseiki katana and slices Ginger's pistol in half. Ginger drops the pieces and begins to quake in her shoes.

"Sorry Red-chan," said Becky. "I'll get you a new gun."

"It's okay," said Red.

Ginger starts to smile in fear and nervousness. "Uh, say, Miss Wolfe," she stuttered, "it looks like we got off on a bad start. I'm really, really, really somewhat-sorry about my behavior and the trouble I caused for you. So, um, I guess you can take me to my parents now--even though I don't want to and that I hate their guts."

Ginger turns around and forces herself to march to parking lot. After taking two steps, she suddenly freezes. There are three very angry middle-aged women right in front of her.

"Oh, hello, bitches," greeted Ginger.

Suddenly, the three angry women drew their pistols at Ginger. Ginger gasps hard and then sprints away from them while screaming pathetically. She immediately hides behind Becky.

"Save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me!" cried Ginger.

"Don't worry," Mira said to Ginger as she puts her hand on her shoulder. "Becky is an excellent Mercenary-Assassin."

"Who are you, and what do you want?" demanded Becky as she holds her blade in a defensive stance.

"We're from the National Organization of Women," said one of the three angry women, "and we want the girl now!"

"We're also part of the Second Amendment Sisters," said another.

"That girl has been frequently hacking and defacing our website for too long!"

"She replaced the front page with a message saying that we're man-hating lesbians out to destroy the NBA for the sake of the WNBA!"

"They're only mad because I posted a pic of Susan B. Anthony giving Theodore Roosevelt a blowjob!" cried Ginger.

"That too!" growled the three women from NOW.

Ginger cowers behind Becky again.

"You're my protection!" cried Ginger. "Now kill them! Kill them now!"

"Red-chan," Becky said, "what do you have on you?"

"A Derringer," replied Red as she shows Becky a tiny pistol that can only fire one shot.


The three NOW women close in on the girls until suddenly the one angry woman in the center notices Ginger quietly giving her the finger. Seeing them distracted, Becky lunges in and quickly takes down the three NOW women in three moves. Ginger moves in to kick and stomp them repeatedly.

"Take that whiny bitches!" cried Ginger.

"Let's go!" cried Becky. Ginger immediately stops kicking.

Becky, Ginger, Red, Mira, and HLS run towards the parking lot until Becky and Red grind to a halt.

"Get down!" cried Red.

Becky and Red throw themselves and Mira and Ginger down as a rocket hits their blue Civic Si sedan. Becky and Red immediately leap up to their feet ready to face their next wave activist attacks.

Out from the shadows came two head-shaven men wearing pink shirts. One of them carries the rocket launcher used to destroy Becky's car, and the other totes a high-powered chaingun under his arm. Their leader is a really butch woman in a camouflaged military uniform armed with a M16 assault rifle.

"Let me guess," said Becky, "you're the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force."

"We're also part of the Pink Pistols," said one of the gay men.

"Yeah, yeah, another fringe pro-gun group."

"Long time no see, Becky Wolfe," said the butch woman.

"Rita Irene. Nice to see you--unfortunately."

"It's too bad you had to leave the NGLTF over a trivial issue."

"I still feel that 'lesbians' should be called tribades."

"We'll settle that dispute once we kill that girl."

Becky turns her head towards Ginger. "Okay, what did you do this time," she asked her.

"Aw, I only suggested that Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche are a fake couple, and that Anne is only going out with Ellen just for the fame and fortune," rambled Ginger.

Becky does not believe her.

"Okay, I replaced the front page with a Photoshopped picture of a naked Ellen and Anne--as dickgirls."

"You'll pay for that wench!" growled Rita Irene. "Bruce!"

The one with the heavy chaingun, Bruce, moves forward and takes aim at Ginger and her protectors.

All of a sudden, Red appears from a blur and leaps onto the barrels of Bruce's chaingun. Bruce loses balance, and Red dives in kill him with one shot from her Derringer. As Bruce falls, Red quickly throws her spent Derringer straight into Rita's head. Red jumps down, wrings Rita's M16 assault rifle from her hands, and then whacks her with the butt of the weapon. As she falls, Red kills her by firing two quick shots to her chest.

Frightened by Red's precise kill, the gay man with the rocket launcher starts to run away. Red takes Rita's M16 and fires quick shots at his head and chest. Gay Rocketman falls down dead.

Ginger applauds, and then runs over to kick fallen Rita Irene and her cohort Bruce.

"Okay, Ginger," said Becky. "That really isn't necessary."

Ginger continues to repeatedly kick the bodies.

"They're dead already. We don't have time for this!"

"They blew up the blue Honda Civic Si sedan," noted Mira as she watches the burning car.

"And I was about to install nitros and fog headlights," Becky laments.

"We need to find a new car."

Becky and Mira turn their heads to see that Ginger is gone.

"Uh, where did she go?" Becky asked. She looks Red. "Red-chan, did you see where she went?"

Red shrugs her shoulders.

Then Ginger screeches a 1999 pumpkin-orange Volkswagen Beetle Turbo S before them. She had obviously broke in and hotwired the car.

"Get in!" she yelled.

Red, Mira, and HLS immediately cram themselves backseat of the Beetle.

"I hate pumpkin-orange," groans Becky.

Becky runs over and opens up the driver's side door.

"Move aside," she said. "I'm driving."

Becky attempts to push Ginger to the passenger seat, but she resists.

"No way!" snapped Ginger. "I found it first!"

"I'm a better driver!" snapped Becky.

"I've been driving since I got my first fake-ID at age 13!"

Becky punches Ginger in the cheek and flings her to the passenger seat. She then gets in the driver's seat and immediately drives off.

"Ow, you can't do that!" cried Ginger. "You're supposed to be my protection!"

"Calm down," said Becky. "You're not dead."

"Don't you have some mercenary rules that states that the protectee is not to be harmed in any way?"

Red and Mira began to recite, "The first rule of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology is to only kill those..."

"Not now, girls" interrupted Becky.

"Cunt," cursed Ginger.

"You're a real people person."

"You're talking to the site administrator of! A hacker forum for misanthropes and people pissed at the general populace."

"So what you do is hack into websites and deface their front page?"

"That and plucking social security numbers, credit card numbers and bank account numbers off the net."

"I can see why so many groups want your head."

"That doesn't explain why they know exactly where Ginger is," said Mira.

"You're right. Ginger, do you know of anyone who would snitch on you?"

"Let me think," said Ginger.

"Er, how about this question: Is there any group that you haven't pissed off?"

"Quite possibly the people who frequent the IRC chatroom in"

"I doubt it."

"Hey, my peeps respect the leetness of the Gingerbread Grrl."

"Whatever you say."

Ginger pokes her head at the back seat.

"Say, Red," started Ginger.

"Yes?" Red answered.

"Red-chan doesn't have any more weapons for you," said Becky. Of course, Red still has the M16 she pilfered from Rita Irene.

"I still have fifteen Derringers stocked under my hood."

"Enough to take out an army, I see," said Ginger.

Suddenly, Mira starts to wipe Ginger's bruised cheek with a damp cloth.

"What the?"

"I'm really sorry about Becky's aggressive behavior," said Mira, "but she knows what's best for you."

"This cloth feels warm," said Ginger.

Sunset arrives. Becky drives the girls to an old neighborhood in that is still occupied by a majority of whites. After winding through the suburban streets, the pumpkin-orange Beetle stops in front of Ginger's parents' house.

The girls and HLS step out of the Beetle. They start marching up the driveway while passing by three rolls of sun-baked newspapers. The lawn is starting to yellow-up, and the flowerbed by the front window is beginning to whither.

Ginger notices that Red's t-shirt reads "I'm an Angel, and I fuck yo' mama!"

"Cool shirt," Ginger said.

Red smiles and then reads Ginger's t-shirt, which reads "People Suck."

"What do people suck?" Red innocently asks.

"Oh, lots of things," replied Ginger, "like cunts, dicks, toes, toes with toenail fungus..."

Becky rings the doorbell of the one-story house. No one answers. Then she bangs on the door. Still, no one answers.

Suddenly, the front window shatters. Becky, Red, and Mira turn their faces towards Ginger, who had just thrown a rock and broke the window.

"What?" she said.

"It's dangerous to go through broken windows," Becky said. In one powerful kick, Becky breaks open the door.

Inside, the house is empty, dusty, and pretty dark. Becky walks inside and tries to flip the light switch. The light does not turn on.

"I'll check the circuit breakers!" announced Mira.

"I'll come with you!" said Red.

Mira and Red, followed by HLS, immediately head to the garage in order to fix the circuit breaker. Meanwhile, Becky heads to raid the refrigerator in the kitchen while Ginger plops down on the old couch facing the broken window.

Becky returns from the kitchen disappointed and sits on the small couch directly across from Ginger.

"What were you doing?" Ginger asked her.

"Raiding the fridge," replied Becky. "The beer's too warm."

"Don't bother. My parents are non-alcoholic drinkers."

"Your parents are whack."

"Tell-me about it. I mean, what kind parents have children when they're over fifty?"

"Only child?"


"It must be difficult for your mom to give birth to you."

"Actually she didn't. I am what you call a test-tube baby."


"More than likely I probably come from an egg of a crackhead prostitute and the sperm from a struggling college student attending Harvard. I never liked my old-fashioned parents, and I even hated them more when they told me of my true genesis."

A gunshot rings out in the garage, causing Ginger to quake in her seat.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Oh, that's just Red," answered Becky. "She's attempting to fix the circuit breaker with one of her Derringers."

"She's a strange little girl. How old is she?"


"Seventeen? No way. She's only one year younger than me and she still looks like a Lolita?"



The lights flicker on. Ginger turns her head towards Becky and suddenly her eyes widen and her jaw drops. Becky notices through Ginger's expression that there's something behind her. Becky leaps off the couch and steps in front of Ginger in order to face the assailants with her sword drawn.

It turns out that her expectations are lowered. Though armed with an Uzi submachine gun each, the new group of three consists of a really skinny and nerdy Asian, a tall, lanky, freckled, and red-haired teen, and a husky pimple-faced kid with a faded and overused Anime shirt. All of them are dressed in black trench coats as if they think they are cool secret agents, but they look ridiculous.

"Let me guess," started Becky. "You're the Robotech fan club."

"No," answered the Asian kid.

"Okay, then you're Trekkies."

"Hell no," replied the tall redhead.

"Um, Britney Spears fans?"

"Of course not!" snapped the husky kid.

"Then what are you guys?"

"Ask the Gingerbread Grrl over there."

Becky turns her head and sees Ginger once again cowering behind her back.

"I never met these geeks!" cried Ginger.

"Does the name GrandLancer666 ring a bell?"

"You're GrandLancer666? Then the rest of you must be..."

The three nerds begin to strike flashy and ridiculous pre-fighting poses.

"KenshinSaito!" cried the Asian kid.

"6414_PHR33X0R[xi]!" cried the tall redhead.

"And finally, GrandLancer666!" cried the husky kid.

"Why do you always have to be the leader?" complained KenshinSaito.


"Becky, put them out of their misery!" cried Ginger.

"I gotta know what did you do to piss them off."

"We're frequent visitors of the IRC chatroom," said 6414_PHR33X0R.

"The Gingerbread Grrl promised all of us dates if we hacked into the Social Security Administration," added KenshinSaito.

"But after we gave her the data, she just ratted us out!" added GrandLancer666.

"You're just angry 'cause you couldn't get some," said Ginger.

"That too!" cried the nerds in unison.

"Now kill them!" Ginger commanded.

"You're serious?"

"Of course I am! I'd rather be lesbian pedophile than go out with these losers!"

Becky looks back the three geeks, and notices that their palms are sweaty, their hands are shaking, and their heart beating rapidly with anxiety. She steps forward.

"Don't come any closer!" cried GrandLancer666. "We've got guns!"


Becky sheathes her sword like a samurai.

"First off," started Becky. "You three aren't expert shooters. You're too green."

Becky takes one more step forward.

"Second," she continued as she wrings an Uzi submachine gun off the nervous Kenshin Saito, "these Uzis are replicas."

Becky hits KenshinSaito in the head with his own gun. He then grabs his head and starts spewing "ouch" in Japanese. Then in one roundhouse kick, Becky knocks off the guns off of 6414_PHR33X0R and GrandLancer666. The three nerds start step back in fear.

"Third, you are about to piss in your pants."

Becky kicks all three of them in the crotch. The boys start clutch their bruised manhood and immediately pee in their pants. Their eyes start welling with tears.

"I don't know who sent you here, but turn around and get the fuck out of here," said Becky.

They hesitate.

"Get out now!"

The three boys run away by going through the broken front window from which they came from. Ginger steps in front of Becky and starts to throw books, cups, and other debris at them.

"You'd better run you fucking geeks!" Ginger heckled.

"You're all bark and no bite," Becky noted.

"Ha! No one can beat the great Becky Wolfe!"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

Ginger starts to imitate Becky by acting out a Bruce Lee impression. Little does she know that she is directly in the deadly crosshairs of a sniper's scope.

Red, Mira, and HLS finally come out of the garage door and reenter the living room.

"Sorry," said Mira, "the garage was too dark and we had to stumble our way out."

Red and HLS join up with an exuberant Ginger in her personal celebration. Now all three are in the crosshairs of the sniper scope.

Red suddenly feels a chill on her back. HLS stops panting and starts growling at something past the broken window.

"Hey, Red-chan," Becky said. "Is something wrong?"

Becky starts to shake Red out of the frozen state. At that moment, the sniper puts away his/her rifle down.

HLS stops growling.

"Are you doin' all right Red-chan?" Becky asked.

"Oh, I'm fine Grandma!" smiled Red.

"With the all the noise we caused," Mira said, "shouldn't Ginger's parents be awake?"

"Oh yeah," said Becky. "I'll search the kitchen while the rest of you search the rest of the house."

"I've told you, there's no alcoholic beer," noted Ginger.

"I know, but there might be Cornbread stashed around there."

"Some protection you are."

It so happens that the house has only three bedrooms and two bathrooms. The search is quick, and the girls turn up nothing--not even cornbread. However, Ginger turns up with her parents' secret savings.

The girls, minus Mira, join up at the living room.

"Ginger's parents aren't here," Red concluded.

"They must be away somewhere," added Becky.

Mira walks in bearing a tri-folded document bearing Ginger's full name. "I found this," she said.

"Oh, gimmie!" Ginger cried as she snatches the document. She rips it open, thinking that it might be another stock holding or at least a will. After quickly reading it, her face and arms go limp. Then she starts frowning.

"Goddamn geezers," cried Ginger. "Didn't leave me nuthin'!"

After throwing the document to the floor, she immediately covers her face runs to her old room. Mira picks up the document and quickly skims through it. Then she hands it over to

Chapter 8

Title: Running a Store, Life in a Cabin

Chapter 08: Running a Store, Life in a Cabin

Inside the interrogation room of the Memphis women's prison, FBI agent Patrick Spoon leans against the wall and tries to stay awake while his partner, Jonathan Dish faces off with an uncooperative Schumacher, who was arrested about a week ago for gross violation of child labor laws and for the manufacturing, distribution, and possession of child pornography. Her brush with death confirms Becky and Red's presence somewhere in Tennessee.

"I have testimony from witnesses stating that you yelled to Rebecca Wolfe that a Darryl Güse is going to get her," Dish said.

Schumacher, whose right hand is in the process of being reattached to her right arm, wipes the sweat off her face with her left hand.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," she said.

"I am only going through procedure ma'am."

"If you know what's good for you boy, you'd best be avoiding Darryl."

"I'm curious to know what kind of woman she is."

"I have nothing to more to say."

"Fine." Dish turns to his partner. "Spoon, let's go."

Spoon wakes up. He immediately follows Dish out of the interrogation room and start walking down the hallway.

"Another dead-end, huh?" said Spoon.

"This case is getting us nowhere," Dish said. "I'm thinking we should get transferred to another."

"Agent Dish!" yelled agent Ryan Bowl.

Ryan Bowl catches up to Dish and Spoon.

"What is it agent Bowl?" Dish asked.

"We've just got a report that Olde Wolfe Ears and Red Little have been spotted in Somerville, New Jersey."

"What happened to the Somerville squad?"

"All of them have been annihilated by a sniper rifle."

"That isn't like them."

"What do you mean?" asked Spoon.

"Wolfe and Little usually take them on at close range."

"Is it just one sniper rifle?" Spoon asked Bowl.

"Bullet analysis confirms it."

"Thank you agent Bowl," said Dish.

"You're welcome."

Agent Bowl walks off while Dish and Spoon go past the security checkpoint and head towards the exit.

"So what are you doing after this?" Spoon asked.

"I don't know," said Dish.

"Do you want to stop by somewhere?"

"I don't know."

Spoon runs ahead, turns around and stops in front of Dish.

"You should relax," Spoon suggested. "Just because your father and his friend Fork are at the head of the FBI doesn't mean you should let them run your life."

"That's not what on my mind," said Dish. "Well, actually, it is on my mind, but not at this moment."

"What is on your mind?"

"Darryl Güse."

"Jeez, I know your marriage is falling apart, but this isn't like you."

"I'm not saying that I'm attracted by her. When I first bumped into Güse, she gave me an overwhelming impression that she is the type who would kill a man just because he looked at her."

"The way I see it, all women are like that."

"Maybe I'm just dwelling on it too much."

"I concur. Let's go to a bar and get your mind off it!"

"Uh, wait a second."

Spoon playfully gets behind Dish and then pushes him towards the exit.

"Hey, watch out!" cried Dish.

Suddenly, Dish accidentally bumps into a trio of women. One of them drops a hotdog she was eating.

"Hey, watch it asshole!" she cried out. The woman who was eating has short messed-up hair, is disheveled and a badly dressed drug-addict in her mid-twenties. Though her face is constantly twitching at random intervals, she is still amiable.

With her is a tall woman who is dressed in a man's suit and has a fedora hat covering her shaven head. She is very imposing, well built, and in her mid forties.

The last one, the youngest of the trio, is a true beauty at the age of twenty. She has long and permed blonde hair and exudes an air of refinement.

"I'm really sorry, ma'am," Dish apologized.

"You made me drop my fucking dick-dog!" she yelled. Immediately she kicks Dish hard into the stomach, causing him to fall back.

Spoon rushes to his aide and then stares angrily back at the women.

"Hey, he just apologized to you, wench!" yelled Spoon. "If you want to assault someone, assault me. I'm the one to blame!"

"Two for the price of one, eh?"

The drug-induced woman digs her hand into her pants pocket for her assault weapon. The youngest and the most beautiful of the women rush to restrain her older sister.

"Cecilia, let them be," she said.

"Charlotte, I'm gonna teach these fuckers a lesson," said the drug-addict named Cecilia.

"Cecilia," said the older woman.

"But mother!"

The older woman cracks her hard knuckles. Cecilia lets go of her weapon and pulls her hand out of her pocket.

"Yes mother," said Cecilia.

The young women join up with their bald mother as she makes her way to the security checkpoint gate.

"Sorry, gentlemen," said the mother as she tips her fedora hat.

"Please excuse my sister," Charlotte said to Dish and Spoon as she passes by them.

The three of them walk past the security gate while Dish and Spoon watch them disappear into the dark halls.

"You okay?" Spoon asked.

"I'll be fine, thank you," replied Dish. The two of them brush themselves off and then get back on their feet.

"I'm really sorry about that. But you know, that woman shouldn't get all pissy about dropping her hotdog."

Spoon bends over to pick up the hotdog and then suddenly stops.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dish asked.

"The meat," he stuttered, "it's a..."

Spoon becomes sick to his stomach. He straightens up, covers his mouth, and runs to the nearest bathroom. Dish walks over and bends over to inspect the hotdog. Though covered with ketchup and relish, the meat is pink, fleshy, and has veins on it. Dish uses his handkerchief to pick it up, because he knows that the meat is of human origin.
Cecilia, Charlotte, and their mother soon meet up with Darryl Güse who is waiting just outside the interrogation room.

"You're late, Celeste," said Darryl.

"I am sorry Miss Güse," said the head-shaven mother, "but Cecilia had to be injected with a fresh supply of heroin."

"Why did you abort the order to kill Ginger?" asked Cecilia.

Celeste immediately slaps her daughter Cecilia.

"Do not question the orders of the Lady!" snapped Celeste.

"Yes, mother."

"I have plans for her and her friends," Darryl said. "Well, ladies; shall we?"

Celeste and her daughters nod. Darryl signals the guard to walk away. She and the rest of the women enter the interrogation room. Schumacher looks up and immediately shakes in fear at the sight of the four of them.

"Lady Güse," whimpered Schumacher. "I didn't tell them anything!"

Darryl smiles, and then nods off to Celeste.

"Cecilia," uttered Celeste.

"With pleasure," snickered Cecilia as she pulls out a long dagger with a very sharp side and serrated side.

The interrogation room has not been touched long after Darryl, Celeste, Cecilia, and Charlotte left. Eventually, the Hispanic female janitor unlocked the door to the room and opens it.

Immediately after turning the lights, she lets out a long blood-curdling scream and faints. Soon enough, the guards, at least the real ones run to the scene. They cover their mouths and attempt to avert their eyes at the horrible sight.

They find Schumacher ruthlessly mutilated. Her right hand has been ripped off, her limbs are broken, and her breasts and vagina has been ripped and sawed off while she was alive despite the coldly precise gunshot wound to her head.

And yet, there were no eyewitness accounts of the four women who were with her in her last hours...

The handsome Jack Stool walks out to the balcony on the back with a glass of water in his hand. The sight of the beautiful green hills never ceases to amaze him. However, the sight of the beautiful debutante yet mysterious Jill Ladder is also a sight to behold, as she joins up with him in a beautiful and sparkly dress.

"What a beautiful view!" said Jack. "Of course, you are ten times more beautiful."

"You're not marrying me just for my looks, are you?"

"It's not like I'm doing this for the money. Your holdings barely match one-eighth of my family's."

"So I'm just a trophy wife, huh?"

"Jill, I could have chosen trophy wives who are ten times richer than me. But I rejected them all just for you."

"Oh, Jack."

Jill runs into Jack's arms, and then they kiss.

Meanwhile, Becky situates herself behind the couch of the drawing room connected the balcony. She puts her walk-talkie to her ear.

"Shinseiki in place," radioed Becky. "How are things going?"

At the garage, Ginger, disguised as an electrician, finishes cutting the cables of a rack-mounted computer system.

"Gingerbread Grrl, here," answered the bespectacled Ginger. "Security and telephone systems have been disabled. Cell-phone jamming is all green."

At the courtyard just below the balcony, the last guard dog falls unconscious. Mira, dressed in a French-maid's uniform, is inside the elaborate dining area where all the wedding guests and their servants have passed out.

"Chemical Girl reporting," Mira answered. "All guards, guard dogs, maids, and guests have fallen asleep. The potion is in effect."

About a hundred meters below the mansion is a steep hill lined by trees and large rocks. The guards who are supposed to be patrolling the area are all shot dead. Red, dressed in her usual crimson riding hood and a t-shirt that reads "I'm an Angel, and I did your wife!", stands behind a tree with her gun and silencer ready. She looks up and sees Jack and Jill on the balcony embracing each other.

"Crimson Hood, in position," Red spoke to her walkie-talkie.

"Wait for my signal," Becky radioed. She holsters her walkie-talkie and quietly unsheathes her Shinseiki katana.

Jill lets go of Jack and leans on the balcony rails.

"It's such a beautiful day," said Jill.

"And quiet too," added Jack.

"Is my mansion that scary?"

"Well, it seems a little too quiet."

"Hey Jack."


"If you look in the distance, you can see Shania Fau Biggs' house over there."


"Over there."

"I can't see."

"Look closer."

It so happens, Jack is a fan of the rock group The Hair, one of the Shania's former acquisitions. Jill gently pushes Jack closer to specific spot on the railing.

Jack squints his eyes trying to find one of Shania's many houses. He leans on the railing and notices that it seems lose.

Jill smiles sinisterly. She quietly takes a couple steps back. She makes a running start and shoves Jack hard from behind. The section of the railing collapses easily and Jack falls down into the hills.

Satisfied, Jill turns and heads back to the drawing room. Becky starts to creep out until shots are fired at her. She quickly looks up to see Jill with her gun drawn at her.

"Shit! She knows!" Becky cursed.

"Gingerbread Grrl!" Mira cried to her walkie-talkie. "What's going on?"

Ginger looks at a live video feed being fed to her black IBM laptop. "Jill is shooting at Becky!" she yelled.

"Crimson Hood! Crimson Hood!"

Red runs up the hill shoots at Jill. Jill dodges all the shots and runs after Becky. Becky jumps out of hiding and dives into the hallway.

"Jill is after Grandma!" cried Red.

"Ow, my head," groans a voice.

Red looks down and sees that Jack has landed safely on the camouflaged inflatable mattress, although he has hit is head on a rock.

"Who are you guys?" he asked.

"Mister Jack Stool," Mira said as she comes to his aide.

"Hey, you're that maid."

Mira silences him by sedating him with a shot from her tranquilizer pistol to the neck.

Inside the house, Jill keeps Becky at bay with her gun while heading towards her bedroom.

"You're not getting away!" she yelled. Jill presses the panic button located on the wall next to her bed. It does not light up and none of her guards respond.

Then she tries to dial a number on her cell phone. Then she looks at the screen and finds that there is no service due to Ginger's jamming.

"Damnit!" she yelled. Jill grabs her keys, reloads her gun, and makes her way downstairs.

She barely dodges two throwing knives at the last step. Becky is fast on her trail. After shooting a couple of shots, she then runs into the garage. Jill spots Ginger and begin to shoot at her. Ginger shields herself with her laptop and drops down to the ground. The garage door opens. Jill jumps into her Mercedes convertible and drives off. By that time, Becky makes it into the garage.

"She's getting away!" Becky cursed.

"I'll take care of this Grandma!" radioed Red.

Red drops her walkie-talkie as she quickly slides and runs down the hill until she reaches the only road leading up to Jill's mansion. She stands directly in the middle, throws off her silencer, and takes aim at the incoming convertible. Jill pushes down on the accelerator hoping to run over Red. Red stands her ground until suddenly an expensive SUV quickly exits from one of driveways of the large mansions. The Mercedes convertible hits the SUV and sends the unbuckled Jill flying out of the vehicle and onto the incline of a steep hill. She rolls and rolls until she slams into a tree, upon which breaks her neck and lands a serious concussion to her head. She is killed instantly.

Red runs over to check on the occupants of the SUV. They are still dazed. Red begins to knock on the driver's side window.

"Hey, are you guys okay?" Red asked.

The windows roll down. The driver happens to be Rosie O' Donnell. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat is her friend Kelli Carpenter.

"Uh, what just happened?" asked Rosie.

Before Red could explain anything, the passenger files open, and Mira sedates Kelli with her tranquilizer pistol.

"Move aside," said Ginger as she pushes Red out of the way. Ginger immediately sedates Rosie with her tranquilizer pistol.

Becky jumps out of the recently painted blue Volkswagen New Beetle and heads down the steep incline where Jill rolled to. Mira and Red follow her while Ginger pilfers Rosie and Kelli's money and credit cards from their purses.

"Wait for me!" Ginger cried. Right before she left, Ginger places Rosie and Kelli's hands straight into each other's crotches, and then runs away chuckling.

Ginger finally joins up with the rest of her colleagues at the bottom of the incline just as Mira finishes checking Jill's pulse.

"She's dead," she said.

"Aw, man," exclaims Ginger, "I wanted to do her in."

"Let's go girls," announced Becky. She, Red, and Mira climb the incline back to their car. With them gone, Ginger kicks Jill's body twice in the stomach.

"Cunt," she cursed. Ginger immediately joins up with the rest of her group--after one good stomping on Jill's head.

With Jack's safety and Jill's death secured, Becky and the girls drive back home on the long, desolate highway.

"Another job done thanks to my leadership and expert hacking skills," boasted Ginger, who was sitting the back seat with Red.

"Ahem," coughed Becky, who is sitting in the front passenger seat. Mira is driving.

"Almost forgot--thanks to the help of sword-wielder Sis."


"Who's Sis?" Red asked.

Ginger points to Becky. "Sis is Sis. No question about it."

"Kind of like how Mira sometimes calls Grandma 'Becky' or 'Miss Wolfe'?"

"Something like that."

"Jeez, I gotta find that glass slipper," groaned Becky.

"Not to worry Sis. The Gingerbread Grrl is on the case!"

"No one asked you to come. In fact, you were supposed to watch the store."

"Ha! You girls can't get by without my superior Assassin-Mercenary skills!"

"You don't have any skills! All you do is piss people off, hide behind my back, literally piss on people, and then let me do all the work! Besides, you're a lousy shooter."

"If you only you would have given me a real gun," Ginger grumbled.

Becky can recount Red's impromptu training of Ginger a couple of days ago. Ginger was given a rapid-fire assault rifle to use against a line of targets, most of which consist of old Robotech toys--more precisely they were the transforming mech-robot figures plucked off from the old school anime room of the cabin. Sure, Ginger can disable the safety and pull the trigger, but she did not hit any of the targets. Ginger complained that she needed a smaller gun, and so Red gave her a Berretta pistol. Ginger fired all the shots and cannot hit a single target. Then she immediately got angry and started smashing the Robotech toys with her gun.

Back on the road, Ginger continues her boasting.
"You're just jealous of my superior intellect, Sis," said Ginger.

"Stop calling me Sis," Becky complains.

"Not unless you admit that I'm the top Assassin-Mercenary."

"You really think this is game, do you?"

"As long as I have fun, life is a game. Pow! Pow! Pow!"

"Fine, but don't cry to me when you get tortured by a cannibalistic sadist."

It is going to be a long eight-hour drive back to their secluded cabin in Tennessee, so the girls take four-hour shifts as drivers. It is customary for the driver to listen to their own music as a means to keep their focus on the road. Mira, who is the first driver in the shift, listens to incomprehensible Pakistani pop music. The rest of the girls did not mind Mira's music--yet.

Becky's shift soon came up. Likewise, so did her taste in music, which consists of hard metal and goth rock. This makes her drive fast.

Hours later Becky gives up the wheel to Ginger. Luckily, Ginger and Becky's taste in music overlap, so there was no need for a disc shuffle at the shift change. However, Ginger's preferred music genres is a little more broad and diverse, as evidenced by the hip-hop, alternative rock, and a sample of reggae at the last two hours of her shift.

But the worst riding experience came when it was Red's turn to drive. Along with not having driving experience or a driver's license, Red's music consists of shallow pop musicians and pop groups. Everyone was wide-awake at and scared beyond their wits. Becky had to restrain Ginger from attempting to claw out Red's face with her prized Britney Spears CDs. Mira became a bit jealous since Becky had inadvertently been groping Ginger's breasts the whole time.

Combined with Red's bad driving and bad music, Ginger sometimes screams, "We're gonna die!" That basically sums up that whole ride.

Before she realized it, they arrive home in the evening. Ginger is the first to leap out of the car to kiss the ground. Then she runs inside to get stoned on Red's hallucinogenic cannabis. HLS runs from her doghouse and greets the other girls.

Mira quickly reheats leftovers and the girls eat dinner. After that Becky, Red and Mira had a threesome. HLS watched. As usual, Ginger films the entire action, but she is starting to fall asleep. This probably has been the fifth or fifteenth time she had recorded the threesome, and she is getting bored.

After that, HLS and Ginger retreat to the living room. Ginger begins to upload the latest clips to the external hard drive of the Apple Powerbook. While the video is being transferred, Ginger executes a program to launch a denial-of-service attack on various websites such as and some national cat-lover's site. While all this is being done, she sits down on the couch and starts to fall asleep. HLS jumps and lies down on the other couch.

Soon after, a tired and quasi-naked Mira lumbers downstairs and makes tea in the kitchen. She then takes her tea into the living room and spots Ginger snoring. Mira quietly puts her tea on the living room table where all the computers and guns are at and sits on the same couch as Ginger. With her heart beating rapidly, Mira slowly scoots over to Ginger and then puts her arm around her. Right when Mira gropes Ginger's breast, Ginger snaps out of a dream, throws her arms outward and hits Mira's nose, thus causing it to bleed.

"Don't touch my stuff, n00bs!" Ginger cried. She looks over to the quasi-naked Mira who is pinching her bloody nose.

"Oh, it's you Mira. You know, you shouldn't sit next to a sleeping person. They usually have a tendency to hit things and stuff."

Minutes later Mira slows down her nosebleed to a stop with a tissue from a tissue box that was meant to clean up masturbation stains.

"Did it stop bleeding?" Ginger asked.

"I think so," replied Mira.

"I'm surprised to be in a presence of a Pakistani lesbian--let alone a Muslim lesbian."

"I guess I am a rare breed."

"Well, after looking through the footage, I noticed that you don't seem to be enjoying the threesome."

"What? What are you talking about? Of course I enjoy having sex with Becky and Red."

"Most of the time, you three are always in a position where Becky pussy-grinds you while you give oral to Red. And I can see in your expression that you are getting tired of it."

Mira looks around, hoping that Becky and Red are not nearby and listening.

"You're right," Mira started, "I haven't been enjoying threesomes lately."

"So are you getting tired of the two? Becoming straight again? Did they blackmail you or something?"

"Neither. I owe them my life, and I love them very dearly. It's just that..."


"All I want is to have a serious one-on-one sexual relationship with another woman!"

"Um, that doesn't explain anything."

"I just want to have sex with Becky or Red, but not Becky and Red."

"Then, threesomes are not your thing."

"No, I don't mind threesomes. But doing it three times a day on almost everyday of the week just gets redundant and boring. Sometimes, the two of them miscount and we end up doing four threesomes a day... sometimes five... or six... or fifteen."

"Fifteen? Damn! You girls must've been using some Double-E to achieve that number."

"I am the one who manufactured the drug."

"You did?"

Ginger quickly turns away from Mira and using the To-Do List application she writes a quick little reminder on her new 3com Palm Pilot device:

Note to self: exploit the profit potential of Pakistani Girl's ability to make Double-E. Also, ask her if she can make knockoff Viagra pills. I smell a moneymaker here.

"Ginger?" Mira called.

Ginger turns back around and smiles.

"Mira, you need to have more confidence and stand up for yourself," she said. "If you don't want any more threesomes, you need to tell them that."

"Well, I..."

"You're not gonna get what you want with that attitude. I want you to march back up to their bedroom and tell them 'I'm Mira Rama, and I'm not gonna be in any more of your stupid threesomes ever again!'"

"You're right! Even though I'm a dropout college student with an expertise in chemistry and maybe in biology, I still have to set rules and boundaries for myself and others!"

Mira throws herself forward and hugs Ginger tightly while rubbing her face against hers.

"Ginger, you've been a great help!" Mira said.

"Yeah, sure," said Ginger.

Mira continues to hug Ginger. As she does so, the quasi-naked Mira starts to rock herself and Ginger back and forth while making quiet moaning noises.

"Mm, mm."


"Mm, mm."

"Okay, Mira."

"Mm, mm."

"You can stop."

"Mm, mm."

"You can stop now."

"Mm, mm."

"Stop hug-humping me."

"Oh, sorry! I'll be on my way."

"Go get 'em."

Mira leads off the couch and rushes up to the master bedroom to declare to Becky and Red that she will not have another threesome--for a while at least. Ginger listens carefully.

"Miss Wolfe, Red," Mira said. "I have to tell you something."

"Hey, Mira," said Becky. "Would you like to go for another round?"

"...oh, okay."

Ginger sighs and groans.

"Jeez," she said. With the video already captured into the external hard drive, Ginger gets back on her feet and then grabs the digital camcorder and the tripod.

"Ginger!" yelled Becky.

"I'm way ahead of you!" Ginger yelled back. She looks at the yawning HLS. "Let's go."

HLS leaps off the couch and follows Ginger upstairs as she starts to film another threesome of Becky, Red, and Mira.

There had been two or maybe three more threesomes for the remainder of the night. Becky, Red, and Ginger lost count on how many was done, and Mira simply gave up counting.

One next day, the girls (minus Ginger and HLS) had another threesome after breakfast. After that, Becky takes the Beetle over to the Soul Food Bar to receive her payment from Gottmutter for saving Jack from Jill, thus preventing him from rolling down the Hills and mortally breaking his crown. At the same time, Becky asks her on the status of Glass Slipper.

"My people are very close in narrowing it down," Gottmutter replied.

"Hmm, where have I heard that before?" Becky said.

"You can't rush these things, dear Becky. It's not easy looking for a rare glass slipper."

Becky then hugs Gottmutter goodbye, tips Julie the pretty bartender, and leaves the Soul Food bar. She immediately drives straight back to Red's General Store and passes by the front.

The store now has a flashy red neon sign spelling out "Red's" in a stylized script. Most of the store remains intact, except for a few additions such as a special CD recording kiosk for making custom mix CD's, a more diverse magazine rack, and more exotic foods. Business is booming partly because of this.

The main attraction, however, is the cute little owner dressed in a cute Catholic schoolgirl-like uniform who is humbly sweeping her broom endlessly as well as smiling and saying hello to anyone who passes by. The reason for this is because this is the only thing Red can do after the many mishaps that plagued the grand opening.

Red initially volunteered to be the stock girl for inside, but instead she ends up breaking almost every item she got her hands on. The acting store manager, Becky, decided to reassign her to be the storeroom girl, and again Red ended up causing a mess by toppling, breaking, and sometimes igniting the stacks of boxes. Red was then assigned to be janitor, but she ended up creating a bigger mess instead of cleaning. She tried to assist Mira in the café kitchen, but she ended up blowing up most of the store. After a hasty repair, Red was assigned to be a cashier, but that didn't work out too well due to this one and only incident:

A young couple had finished shopping and took their items to Red the cashier. After grossly miscalculating the total, Red tried to open the cash drawer by randomly pressing button after button. This amused the couple because Red looks cute when she is frustrated. Their amusement soon turned to shock and horror as Red decided to pry open the cash drawer with a shotgun. Red blasted the cash register, and the paper bills flew and fluttered about. Red jumped and caught the falling bills so she can give change to the young couple. However, she was short a couple of coins. Red then puts away her shotgun and grabbed her rocket launcher needed to open the safe and get more change. By that time, Becky and the other girls prevented Red from destroying the store for the second time.

Becky parks the Beetle at the back of the general store and goes inside. After changing into her store uniform, which also looks like a Catholic schoolgirls outfit, Becky does a quick survey of the storeroom, and then goes through the kitchen where a batch of cornbread is currently cooking while Mira is away taking orders at the café. She then meets up with Ginger who is judiciously performing her duties as a cashier.

"Yo, Manager Sis!" Ginger greeted.

"How's everything going?" Becky asked.

"So far, so good. Red has not broken her broom yet--or manage to catch it on fire."

"Has the magazines arrived yet?"

"They're in the box over there."

"All right."

Becky hauls the box over to the magazine rack and opens it up. She immediately stocks the second top-most row with the new issues of Maxim, a popular men's magazine that accounts for a good chunk of the sales. Also on the racks are Penthouse, Playboy, Hustler, Animerica, XY, Girlfriends (Mira's favorite), High Times, 2600 (Ginger's favorite), and Highlights (Red's favorite).

"Thank you, come again," Ginger smiled at the leaving customers she had just rang up.

As Becky organizes the magazine rack, she looks over to Ginger, who seems to be enjoying her position very well. Little does she know that Ginger is discreetly ripping off every customer that makes a purchase for she has installed a special mod chip that slightly overcharges the grand total. Almost every time a customer leaves while reading a receipt, they would often stop in front of the store and stare at it for many minutes. Then they look at the smiling and cute Red who is sweeping away in blissful delight. Thus, they shrug their shoulders and walk off thinking that it was their imagination that they have been overcharged.

Sometimes, there are customers who have noticed this and kindly complained to the cashier, Ginger. Ginger would use many tricks to convince them that the total is absolute, such as ringing up the item that was just purchased, which ends up being slightly more expensive than market value. She would often use this opportunity to squelch a couple more cents from them.

Sometimes, the moderately aggressive customers would attempt to talk down to Ginger. Ginger would then call in the owner (Red) to the register to mediate the issue.

"Red," Ginger would say, "I tried to tell them, but they still say that the grand total is wrong."

"The grand total is wrong?" Red would say. "Oh no! How could this be? I'm such a bad owner!"

Red's eyes would start welling up with tears as she beats her own head. The moderately aggressive customer would then receive stares from others and become embarrassed and guilt-ridden for making Red cry. They then apologize to her, pay the slightly overcharged grand total plus a generous tip and then go off on their way. Afterwards, Red stops crying, and Ginger quietly high-fives her.

Once in a while, there is an aggressive customer (most of which are women) who would not believe Ginger's convincing lies and Red's puppy dog eyes. Today is one of these days as an irritable white middle-aged woman with a grossly large butt engage in a fierce shouting match against Ginger over the actual price of a bag of Tootsie Rolls[i].

"I've been Tootsie Roll fan for twenty years," screamed the large butt woman, "and you are overcharging me five cents for this bag!"

"Let me put it to you in simple words," Ginger said. "You're a--cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt!"

"I demand to see the manager!"

Becky sneaks up from behind Ginger.

"What's the problem?" Becky asked them.

"Thank God you are here," said the large butt woman, "this brat is overcharging me five cents for this pack of Tootsie Roll bag!"

"Is that true?"

"Of course not!" replied Ginger. "That bitch is getting the prices off some crappy price comparison web search engine!"

Becky looks at Ginger, then at the large butt woman, and then back at Ginger. She puts her hand on Ginger's shoulder.

"Excuse me," said Becky.

Becky pulls Ginger from the cash register and pushes her into the office. She slams the door shut and closes the window shades. As the large butt woman and the other customers watch, they suddenly hear a succession of loud smacking noises and the painful whelps of Ginger. One minute later, they emerge from the office. Ginger walks towards the register while rubbing her butt. Becky follows her while flexing her right hand. Ginger then rings up the correct price of the Tootsie Rolls bag and the large butt grudgingly pays up and leaves without saying a word.

"Come back again you bitch," Ginger said.

"Next time, don't get caught," Becky whispered to Ginger.

All of a sudden, they hear a snap. Red frantically runs into the store.

"Grandma! Grandma!" she cried as she waves two wooden sticks in the air. "I broke my broom!"

Becky and Ginger groan. Becky immediately gets another broom so Red can go outside and look cute and attract customers.

As closing time draws near, one of their frequent customers, Ms. Mumbles, arrives to buy her copy of the magazine Redbook along with her two identical twin female poodles. The reason she is called Ms. Mumbles is that whenever comes out of the general store, HLS would spring from hiding and immediately penetrate the two poodles with her double dildo strap-on. Ms. Mumbles would then start yelling and whelping incoherently. Red, who is a constant witness to this strange act, would continue sweeping and smiling. Sometimes, she would nod and attempt to converse at the babbling Ms. Mumbles. Despite all this, Ms. Mumbles continues to shop at Red's General Store. It is the only place to buy Redbook due to an outdated Cold War-era town statute banning that particular magazine for supposedly spreading Communist propaganda.

As expected, Ms. Mumbles leaves the store and HLS springs out from hiding to fuck the brains of out of her poodles.

At the same time, the resident crackhead Joe and his extremely masculine transvestite boyfriend (er, "girlfriend") Davina catch sight of this as they proceed to check out. They are purchasing a bondage magazine, some cigarettes, beer, and Red's hallucinogenic cannabis through Ginger.

"Whoa," said Crackhead Joe, "that Doberman pincher is doin' two poodles at once."

"I know," Ginger droned as she rang up his items.

"That would mean he would have two dicks," added the deep-voiced Davina.

"Yep. 'He' does have two dicks."

"Man, I wish I was a dog with two dicks," exclaimed Crackhead Joe.

"I wish I had two dicks, honey," said Davina.

"Wait a minute--the two of us have two dicks all together!"

"But it would rock if we had two dicks each."

"That would mean we would have four dicks all together!"

Though tempted to smack them up, Ginger quietly restrains herself and declines to comment on the use of four dicks in an already sickening gay relationship between two famished drug addicts.

The girls finally close the store around 7 o'clock. Sometimes they close it earlier if there are very few people left. Usually, they leave Red continually sweeping outside in the front as reminder that the store is closed and that they should come again.

After closing time, Becky and Mira join up with Ginger who is counting their profits and balancing other budgets.

"I think we still need to swindle a thousand dollars more from them," Ginger said.

"You're such a greedy brat," said Becky.

"The uneducated masses deserve to be exploited!"

"Fine. I'm not backing you up when the angry mob arrives."

"There's no way they can catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Grrl!"

Ginger proceeds to sit down on the stool in the café. Then suddenly--

"Oh fuck! My butt!"

Becky turns back to Ginger, Mira inadvertently becomes wet and red-faced.

"Damnit Sis!" cried Ginger as she rubs her ass semi-seductively. "Why did you have to spank me so hard?"

"Sheesh, I only tapped you."

As Mira's hearts starts beat passionately, Red comes running into the store with two flaming sticks.

"Grandma! Grandma!" Red yelled. "The broom's on fire!"

No one bothered to ask how the hell Red ignited her second broom, as they are busy preventing her from putting it out with propane fuel. For the second time, Red blows up a good portion of her own general store. Luckily, everyone survives the blast unscathed.

It's a good thing we have Gingerbrat, Becky thought to herself as she writes down the damage and repair estimates.

Usually, a day in the general store went like that.

They took the next day off, which is a Friday--a day which they usually make a lot of sales. However, the girls take a lot of days off and they cite real excuses such as the reconstruction and the repair of the store, assassination/mercenary/protection jobs, or lame excuses as indicated by the amusing handwritten "We're Closed Because..." signs. Some examples of these signs include "Don't Feel Like It", "Not Sober Enough", "Too Stoned", and the often used "Havin' a Tribade Orgy" (very few people in town know what a Tribade is, and at least half know what an orgy is). Despite these frequent and irresponsible store closures, Red's General Store remains very profitable thanks to Ginger's "financial" genius.

So Becky and the others decide to goof off all day in between the usual threesomes. Everyone is outside. Becky sits on the picnic table mediating with gummi bears plugged into her ears. Mira is doing laundry, HLS chews and rips apart a realistic-looking dildo given by Joe the Crackhead, while the newly formed playmates of destruction Ginger and Red play with Robotech action figures. At the same time, a flashy high-powered CD boombox blares out a frequent mix and a deadly combination of American and Pakistani pop music.

"Hey there, Lynn Minmei!" yelled the Rick Hunter doll, played by Ginger. "Let's get it on!"

"Fuck off!" cried the Lynn Minmei doll, played by Red. "I found someone better than you!"

"Fine! I'll go see Lisa Hayes!" Ginger moves Rick Hunter over to the Lisa Hayes doll, which is also played by Red.

"Hey there, Lisa! How 'bout you and me?"

"No way!" said the Lisa Hayes doll. "I'm gonna have hot tribade sex with Minmei!"

The Lisa Hayes and Lynn Minmei dolls start making out.

"Fine!" cried the Rick Hunter doll. "Then I'll just fulfill every fangirls' wet dream by having hot Yaoi sex with Roy Fucker--I meant, Fokker!"

Rick turns around to see a mess of charred melted plastic.

"Roy? Nooo! What has happened to you?"

"A cruel fate this is!" moaned Roy Fokker, which is voiced by Ginger. "The Zentraedi bastards done me in with their new weapons: Battleship Blow Torch and the Battlepod Magnifying Glass!"

"Oh, woe is me! I have no choice but to commit suicide--by bat!"

Ginger takes up a wooden bat and starts to demolish the Rick Hunter doll mercilessly. Soon enough, Red takes her bat and starts whacking the Lisa Hayes and Lynn Minmei dolls. Even though it is thoroughly melted, Ginger also beats the Roy Fokker doll. It breaks into charred pieces.

Red and Ginger then use their bats to sweep the broken action figures into a hole where the rest of the demolished Robotech toys lay.

"Now let's go blow up the Voltron dudes with firecrackers!" said Ginger.

"Okay!" said Red.

Red and Ginger drop their bats and start heading back to the house. However, they stop before a meditating Becky.

"Say, Red," said Ginger. "Have you ever disturbed Sis during her meditation?"

"I'm not sure."

"Let's see if she'll respond."

Ginger picks up a small rock and hurls it at Becky's head. Becky does not flinch.


"Miss Baker," Mira said, "it is futile to break Miss Wolfe's meditation--ow!"

A rock hits Mira's head.

"Did you say something, Mira?" Ginger asked as she retracts her throwing arm.

"Grandma, Mira, and I have found a way to rub our clits together simultaneously," said Red.

Ginger glares at Red for uttering such a perverse revelation. Then she decks her head with another small rock.

Becky breaks free from her meditation. She gets on her feet and flexes her whole body. She then takes the gummi bears out of her ears and tosses over to Red.

"Here ya go."

"Ooh! Gummi Bears!" cried Red. She immediately eats them and grosses out Ginger.

"I guess I should start preparing supper," said Mira.

"Then we'll have another threesome!" cried Becky.

"Threesome! Threesome!" cried Red.

"Uh, sure," said Mira.

"Isn't this like the 20th time already?" said Ginger.

At that moment, Becky's favorite CD comes up on the boombox.

"It's my favorite song!" she cried. "Mosh pit!"

Becky leaps off the picnic table towards Mira, Ginger, and Red. The three girls step back to allow Becky to land face down on the ground. She slowly lifts her head up and wipes the dirt off her face.

"Jeez guys, you were supposed to catch me."

"Like we're gonna catch your fat ass, Sis," said Ginger.

One of Becky's pet peeves is being called "Olde Wolfe Ears." Being referred to as a fat ass is another. Immediately, Becky sweeps Ginger off the ground, pulls down her pants and underwear, places her in a prone position, and starts spanking her exposed butt. This went on for minutes, and soon Ginger's surprisingly amiable butt became red. At the same time, Mira becomes wet, and Red goes inside to get explosive fireworks.

The spanking is thus done. Ginger pulls her pants back up and starts rubbing her swollen butt.

"One of these days, Sis, I'm gonna get back at you!" cursed Ginger.

"Whatev'," said Becky.

Suddenly, they hear multiple crackling explosions. Almost instinctively, Becky, Mira, and Ginger run into the house to quell the destruction. Luckily, the damage caused by Red's mishandling of anything explosive (or flammable) is minimal, although one of the couches in the living room have finally given up the ghost and then collapse into mess of charred wood and upholstery. This is probably the fifth couch they went through. The third one had to be replaced due to numerous female ejaculation stains.

On the next working day during the opening of Red's General Store, Red puts up a whiteboard next to the bulletin board. Ginger notices this and sees that it has already been written with the five rules of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology. However, rules number four and five are left blank.

"Why are rules four and five blank?" Ginger asked.

"That's for Grandma to fill out," replied Red. "She's always thinking about adding to the three existing ones."

"I see, I see."

Ginger picks up the green dry-erase marker that hung from a string and fills out the blank rules. The fourth rule now reads "The smartest and the prettiest, the Gingerbread Grrl, gets 60% of the profits." The fifth rule now reads "Ginger r0X0rz!"

"Much better!"

"What does R, zero, X, zero, R, and Z mean?" Red asked.

"It's leet-speak for..."

"Ahem," coughs Becky.

Ginger and Red turn around to see that Becky is behind them.

"About the new rules," Becky started.

"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Ginger.

Ginger looks back the Assassin-Mercenary Methodology rules. She reads through number four and five again.

"Sorry about that, Sis," she said. "I guess I got carried away."

Ginger completely erases number five. Becky is still not satisfied.

"What is it now? Something wrong with rule four?' said Ginger. "I guess I was a little too carried away."

Ginger erases half of rule four, the part that says "The smartest and the prettiest."


"Come with me to the office," Becky ordered.

"Oh, no," said Ginger. "I'm not gonna fall for that again."

Ginger's resistance is futile as Becky successfully shoves her back into the office. Red stands nearby listening in.

"Is Becky spanking Ginger again?" asked a delightful Mira.

Red nods. Minutes later, Becky emerge out of the office with Ginger, who is rubbing her swollen butt. Neither of them realized that Mira has both her hands soaking in her wet crotch.

After masturbating or something similar, Mira would always forget to wash her hands before she cooks food to serve in the café. Though her cooking is nothing special, every one of her customers unanimously regards her food as superb. On the rare occasions where she does wash her hands, her patrons will find something wrong with her cooking, and the complaint would be that the unique taste was somehow gone.

Today is a slow day, despite the repeat appearances of Ted the record store storeowner, Commissioner White, Deputy Black, Crackhead Joe, Davina, and Ms. Mumbles. This is the time when Ginger is at her worst, because there is not enough people to swindle.

"This day sucks," she would say.

As she was doing her "job", Red notices a light blue Mercedes sedan pulling up to the parking lot. Out comes the well-dressed and pretty black driver, Julie, who is also the bartender of the Soul Food Bar. Julie then walks over to open the rear doors. Out comes a large black woman, Venus Gottmutter. Julie then leads Gottmutter over to the front entrance of Red's General Store.

"Good afternoon, Princess," Gottmutter greeted to Red.

"Hello, big black lady!" Red said.

Meanwhile, Ginger starts scratching indecipherable messages on the checkout counter with a hobby knife. The bell on the front door jingles. Ginger looks up see Julie holding the door for a well-dressed Gottmutter.

She's black, thought Ginger, but look at the bling bling[ii] she's got on. That means she's a Republican!

"Welcome to Red's!" smiled Ginger. "Is there anything you need?"

"I would like to see the manager," said Gottmutter.

Ginger is on the defensive.

"Uh, don't blame me for the price of the shrimp I sold," exclaimed Ginger. "That was my manager's idea! She made me do it! I take no responsibility for the death of Bubba-Gump's senior financial officer!"

"We just wanted to see Miss Rebecca Wolfe," said Julie. "Miss Venus Gottmutter is a friend of hers."

"Oh. Um, I'll go get her."

Ginger heads over to the office and finds Becky finishing another bottle of beer.

"A Venus Gottmutter is here to see you," Ginger said.

"Close the shop," slurred Becky as she stumbles to the door.

"What excuse should I write down?"

"Make somethin' up!"


All the customers are herded out of the store, and all the girls are called inside. Ginger locks the front door and puts a sign that reads "Go Away! We're havin' a 'business' meeting!"

Gottmutter and Becky sit across from each other on the café table while Red, Mira, Ginger, and Julie surround them. Julie quickly explains to the other girls that Venus Gottmutter is the undisputed "Godmother" of the underworld and contract killings--at least in the western world.

"I usually don't go out of my way to see you, but I bring you great news," said Gottmutter.

"You've found the whereabouts of the other half of the slipper?" Becky asked.

Gottmutter nods. She then signals to Julie to hand over to Becky a sheet of paper. Becky looks over it and becomes confused.

"What is this?" she asked.

"It's a list," replied Gottmutter.

"List of what?"

"A list of places where the scattered fragments of the shattered glass slipper."

"Fuck, you've got to be kidding me!"

"It was a lot of work to find those locations. At least three of my operatives were killed and many others wounded when obtaining information on the locations."

Becky sighs. "Well, I guess we'll have to put it together ourselves."

Becky looks at her compatriots and decides that Mira or Ginger should reassemble the glass slipper fragments.

"Since this is a personal job, you know you won't get paid," said Gottmutter.

"I'm aware of that," said Becky.

"However, I will fund the travel expenses at the very least."

"That is fine."

Julie and Gottmutter bid Becky and her friends adieu. Just as they come out of the general store, they come across HLS shagging Ms. Mumbles' two female poodles with her double dildo strap-on. Ms. Mumbles is at the scene yelling something incoherent at the two black women. Julie and Gottmutter shrug their shoulders and walk away.

Back inside, Becky and the girls are nervous at the anticipation of their new quest.

"A glass slipper, huh?" said Ginger. "I hear that it is the key to some treasure."

"You're staying here to watch the store with Mira," said Becky.

"No way I'm gonna pass this up, Sis! Besides, like Gottmutter says, getting the fragments is going to be dangerous, and you need all the help you can get."

"You'll just get in the way."

"Please reconsider taking us with you, Miss Wolfe," pleaded Mira. "We still owe a great debt to you. I know I'm a non-combatant, but the least I can do is cook and take care of you on your quest. I do have some knowledge in medicine and on how to fix bullet wounds."

"Wait, I almost forgot that you're a chemist."

Mira nods.

"Okay, you can come along."

Ginger eagerly awaits Becky's approval.

"All right then, let's get prepared," said Becky.

"What about me?" asked Ginger.

"Forget it. You're loud, anti-social, and plus you can't shoot."

"Why you..."

"It would really be nice if Ginger came along," Mira pleaded as she puts her arms around Ginger. "She can come in handy when dealing with security systems and social engineering. Don't you agree Red?"
Red stands silent until Mira discreetly hits her from behind.

"Oh, yes I agree!" Red said.

Suddenly, HLS trots into the café and sits in front of Becky. She gives her the usual puppy-dog eyes.

"HL-Snagglepuss wants to come too!" announced Red.

"When and how the hell did we form this ragtag group of Assassin-Mercenaries?"

"Because we love you Grandma!"

"She didn't ask 'why' dumbface," muttered Ginger.

"I only allowed you guys to tag along because I felt the jobs were easy," said Becky, "this time, however, I can't make any guarantees. Some of you will get shot, cut, or worse. Are you sure you want to come along?"

"We're with you all the way, Miss Wolfe," said Mira.

"The fools will soon know the full extent and wrath of my unparalleled genius!" roared Ginger.

"Bark!" said HLS.

Red is silent.

"Red-chan," said Becky. "You're supposed to deliver the last line."

"Why Grandma?" asked Red. "Why are you doing this for me?"

"Didn't I explain it to you back at the Ginger Ale House?"

"I forget."

Becky walks over and pulls Red into her bosom. She tenderly brushes her hair.

"I'm doing this because I love you," said Becky.

"Oh, Grandma."

Red melts away in passion. Mira watches them with awe while Ginger gags.

Throughout her life, Becky usually works alone. She would always reject any offer from anyone (most of which are beautiful female assassins) who wants to partner up with her. However, meeting up Red seemed to change everything. Now she's partnered with the unlikeliest albeit flawed girls and a homosexual female dog.

Her ulterior reason for finding the glass slipper is so that Red will stop calling her "Grandma".

[i] Tootsie Rolls are small cylindrical chocolate candies that look like [expletive removed].

[ii] Bling bling is a hip-hop slang term that refers to expensive jewelry and other accoutrements (source:

Chapter 9

Title: The Muffin Woman

Chapter 09: The Muffin Woman

This is the "bad part" of London. You know, the part where all the British gangster movies take place, right? The dark alleyways? The shady Londoners who have accents that no American or Irish would understand?

Anyway, Ginger Baker, dressed in a brown trench coat and t-shirt that is advertising her website[i], walks into the one of the shadiest pubs of all London--the Etticoat Pub. This badly lit pub is filled with the surliest of surliest, the trampiest of tramps, and for some odd reason they all have bad teeth. Ginger hardly ever brushes her teeth and her teeth remained straight and intact. To her, the smiles these people show would give a French dentist a hernia, a stroke, and then a heart attack. The bespectacled Ginger keeps her eyes out for anyone who dares to assault or at the very least steal her digital camera, which she bought from a street vendor whose lackey stole it from a Japanese tourist. Then she thought for a moment, that at least they aren't playing the Spice Girls[ii]. She prayed to Satan hoping that her Red will not taken a liking to that monstrosity.

She makes her way from the entrance and sits down on the stool by the bar. Ginger looks over and reads the nametag on the butch female bartender: Nancy Etticoat. She must be the owner of the bar as well as Ginger's target.

"What'll ya have?" asked Nancy.

"I'll have a Bud," said Ginger.

Nancy and two shifty men two seats away give Ginger a offensive stare.

"I mean, just give me your best British beer," corrected Ginger.

"London Pride it is," said Nancy as she serves her a mug from the tap.

Ginger drains two mugs and waits for about a minute. She signals to Nancy to come over to her.

"Nancy Etticoat?" Ginger asked.


"I need to ask you a question..." Ginger looks to her left and to her right. So far, everyone is conversing amongst themselves and have no probable cause for eavesdropping.

"Do you know the Muffin Man?" Ginger asked.

"You mean the Muffin Woman?" corrected Nancy.

"Yes, the Muffin Woman."

"Do I know the Muffin Woman?"

"That's what I'm askin'."

"Who lives in Drury Lane?"

"Yes. Can we get on with it?"

Nancy looks to her left, and then to her right for any eavesdroppers.

"Yes, I know the Muffin Woman," said Nancy. "She doesn't live on Drury Lane anymore."

"Drat," said Ginger.

Nancy leans in closer to Ginger's ear. "But I do know her present location. To whom am I revealing this information to?"

Ginger smiled arrogantly, and uttered, "Becky Wolfe."

Nancy raises an eyebrow. She straightens herself up and heads on over to serve another customer. Then she passes by Ginger.

"Meet me in the back room," Nancy uttered. She points her nose to the door with an old torn-up poster advertising the Beatles' Yellow Submarine album.

"This better not be a trick," said Ginger.

"There would be no way we can trick Olde Wolfe Ears and get away with it."

"Fine then."

Ginger discreetly heads over to the backroom. With her gone, Nancy motions to the two shifty men, which are her thugs, to follow her inside. After they do so, Nancy then finishes wiping the last of her beer mugs and immediately goes into the back room.
The lights flicker on. Inside the dingy back room Ginger now has a black eye and is now tied to a chair. The two men stand to her side with brass knuckles at hand. Also inside is a rickety wooden table used for illegal poker tournaments, a couple of empty bookshelves, and a life-sized stand-up of poster of Posh Spice.

"Damn that Sis!" cried Ginger. "She told me this would work!"

Nancy heads to one of the bookshelves and takes out a long rectangular case. She opens it up and procures a cutlass. With the cutlass at hand, Nancy walks over and pushes it into Ginger's crotch.

"Who the hell are you, and who sent you?" Nancy demanded.

"I'm Becky Wolfe!" cried Ginger.

"Liar! I know Becky, and she would not tolerate anyone calling her 'Olde Wolfe Ears'."


"Now answer my question you twit! Who the hell are you, and who sent you?"

"Fuck you!"

Nancy applies pressure with her sword. Ginger expels tears of fear and pain.

"All right, I'll talk!" she cried. "I'm Ginger Baker, and Sis sent me!"

"Ginger Baker? Ginger Baker as in the Gingerbread Grrl who defaced our Majesty's website?"

"Er, no! That must be another Ginger Baker! I'm Ginger Basil Baker! You're looking for Ginger Nutmeg Baker!"

Nancy uses her cutlass to open up Ginger's trench coat and read her t-shirt.

"So, how many people Ginger Bakers are there on" Nancy asked.

"Uh, two?"

"And which one of you posted the picture of our queen getting shagged by Uncle Sam?"

"You stupid cunt! That was supposed to be a pic of the queen getting fucked by a Statue of Liberty who is wearing a double dildo strap-on!"

Realizing what she had just said, Ginger shuts down her obnoxious arrogance and her mouth seals itself shut. Nancy furrows deeply with nationalistic anger and pride. She then lifts her cutlass in the air and aims its tip right at Ginger's head.

Suddenly, there is knock on the door to the bar. Nancy hesitates, and one of her thugs starts to head over to answer the door.

"Don't answer it!" she barked.

"Hello?" said a young female voice from behind the door. "Is this the bathroom?"

"Go away!"

"Are you in there? When are you going to be done?"

"Are you some kind of idiotic twit? I said go away!"

Two gun shots ring out, and two bullets strikes the doorknob. With one swift kick, Red bursts through the door dressed in her usual crimson riding hood and an amusing t-shirt that reads "I'm an Angel and I shagged your Queen!"

"I guess this isn't the bathroom," said Red.

Ginger hops her chair up and down so she can turn towards her sometimes-dimwitted gun-totting pyromaniacal savior.

"Red!" she screamed. "Get me out of here!"

"Get her!" barked Nancy.

Thug number one dives in with a punch. Red catches his arm and flips him over, thus sending him crashing to one of the broken stools that sat next to the door. Thug number two pulls out his knife and dashes towards her. Red immediately disarms him and knees him deep into his stomach. He goes down and starts wailing like a little boy.

"Gee, I'm really sorry mister," Red said.

Nancy moves behind Ginger and holds the blade of her cutlass to her throat. Sensing the danger being applied to her friend, Red immediately pulls out her handgun and aims it directly at Nancy's head.

"Don't you move little one," threatened Nancy, "or this girl gets it!"

"For the love of God, Red, don't shoot!" cried Ginger.

"Put a sock in it!"

Red and Nancy are at a standstill, and Ginger's life hangs by their hands. Then suddenly, Becky swaggers in with a bottle of whiskey in her possession.

"Red-chan, did you find the bathroom yet?" Becky slurred.

"You..." gasped Nancy.

The wolf ears on the top of her head; the numerous ring piercings on her face; the long black leather trench coat. It is her all right; the fabled assassin-mercenary. What does she want with Nancy?

"Don't you move Wolfe Ears!" cried Nancy.

Becky pulls her sheathed Shinseiki sword out of her belt and shoots the scabbard off the blade. The scabbard strikes Nancy's eye. She falls back along with the tied-up Ginger, and the cutlass barely misses her face as it falls down to the ground.

Nancy crawls backward clutching her right eye, which is now black and bruised. Becky gives Red her whiskey bottle for consuming, and then heads over to check on Nancy.

"Sorry about that Nancy," said Becky. "I sure hope Ginger didn't give you any trouble."

"You sent me here to die you alcoholic bitch!" cursed Ginger.

"We sent you because you will arouse the least suspicion."

"Oh, sure. We're three Americans and one Pakistani who also happen to be the greatest criminal minds in the underworld. And of the four of us, I happen to be the least suspicious!"

Becky helps Nancy to her feet while Red helps the two surprisingly cordial thugs to their feet. The thugs leave room, while Becky, Red, and Nancy gather around the table and sit on the other three chairs. They unintentionally leave Ginger on the floor and still tied to the chair.

"It's been a while," said Nancy. "So what brings you back to London, Becky?"

"You know what I'm lookin' for," replied Becky.

"The Muffin Woman..."

"The one who lives on Drury Lane."

"Kitty doesn't live there any more."

"When is the last time you came contact with her?"

"Ever since you came here and killed Polly Flinders."

"Who is Polly Flinders?" Red asked.

"She along with Kitty, Robin, and I were part of the most notorious and deadliest lesbian mafia in all of London. She died when she visited the chiropodist."

"What's a chiropodist?"

"A foot doctor," said Becky. "When I was trying to kill her at the chiropodist's office, I accidentally set her toes on fire and she fell three stories to her death."

"That was an interesting way to die."

"Anyway," continued Nancy, "I don't know where Kitty is currently residing, but my men have reported her being seen in the park on Tuffet Street. Do you know where that is?"
"Not quite," said Becky.

Nancy explained in detail on how to get to the park on Tuffet Street. Unfortunately, Becky is slightly drunk to remember, and Red her self is not good at remembering things. Ginger, still pissed at the fact that her friends forgot that she is still tied to the chair on the floor, remembered word for word but have no idea what the points of reference look like.

"You got it?" Nancy said.

"I think so," replied Becky as she scratches her wolf ears.

"Kitty will usually sit under a tree on a small grassy mound at exactly twelve o'clock in the afternoon."

"Thanks, Nan. Sorry about what I did to you."

"It is all right. I cannot thank you enough for saving us from Polly."

"Right then--let's go Red!"

"Okay!" cried Red.

Becky and Red leap from their chairs and head back to the bar.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Nancy said.

Becky and Red stop. They slowly turn around and realize that Ginger is still tied up. She looks very pissed.

After being untied, Ginger leaves the pub along with Red, who is walking off with a large pack of peanuts, and Becky who is sneaking away with ten bottles of alcoholic beverages under coat. Waiting for them outside on the street is Mira who is minding both the blue Volkswagen Beetle and HLS, who is on a leash.

Before then, HLS had shagged every female dog that came. Sometimes she used her double dildo strap-on, and at other times she didn't. In an incompressible English dialect, those dog owners began screaming at Mira and telling her stop HLS from fucking their dogs. Mira played dumb and pretended that she didn't understand English by responding to them in her native Pakistani language, Urdu. A couple of the London dog owners tried to strike Mira, but she quickly knocked them and their dogs out with her tranquilizer pistol and piles their sleeping bodies into the nearest dark alleyway. In anticipation for Ginger's future actions, Mira steals their wallets and gives the dog owners and their dogs two swift kicks to the gut.

When Ginger approached the car, Mira surprises her with the wallets she had stolen. Without thanking her, Ginger snatches the loot from Mira's hands and jumps into their car and immediately counts the British pounds. Mira sighs, for she had failed winning Ginger's approval once more.

Everyone piles into the New Beetle. Just as the doors close, Ginger notices something odd about the vehicle's ride height. Suddenly, Becky pulls out her the stolen alcoholic bottles and shoves it all down to Ginger's lap, who is sitting in the back seat.

"I admire your kleptomania, Sis," Ginger started, "but couldn't you have stolen the cash register instead?"

"It wouldn't fit with the three kegs in the trunk," said Becky.


Suddenly, Nancy and her two thugs burst out of the pub in anger.

"Give me back my beer you bitch!" Nancy screamed.

Becky floors it and drives far and away from the "bad part" of London. Somehow, she had stolen and/or drank all the beer in Etticoat Pub.

"So she still owes you?" Ginger asked Becky.

"Owes me what?" said Becky. "I saw the kegs sitting there so I couldn't resist."

"Are you telling me that you sent me to death just so you could get your fat ass drunk with these kegs?"

Becky shoots her right palm right towards Ginger's face.

"See this?" said Becky. "This is a hand. It goes where your butt is. It slaps your butt. This is your last warning, Gingerbrat. Call me fat ass again and I will..."

"Fat ass," Ginger uttered.

Becky screeches the Beetle into a halt, thus causing a major traffic slowdown. She pulls Ginger out of the car and starts spanking her in front of many Londoners and tourists. Thinking that it was some kind of performance art, they all took pictures. None of them noticed Mira enjoying the sight of Ginger's exposed butt being slapped by putting both her hands into her soaking crotch, nor did anyone notice HLS shagging two female dogs with her double dildo strap-on.

The spectacle is over. The girls get back in the car. In the back seat, Mira tries to comfort the Ginger using cold beer cans to ease the pain on her black eye and her butt. Mira even suggested using her hands as a cushion for Ginger's butt, but Ginger was too busy jumping up and down on the seat while cursing relentlessly to Becky without using the words "fat" and "ass" together.

Becky drives the car into the "slightly nicer part" of London where Nancy had mentioned where Tuffet Street is located. She ends up at the roundabout trying to remember where she has to go next.

The minutes pass. Becky is still on the roundabout trying to remember. Red, Ginger, Mira, and HLS are getting bored. Ginger especially--because she wants to smash things or piss people off just to relieve the day's stress. Then she gets an idea.

"I have an idea!" she exclaimed. "Let's do a mooning contest!"

"I'll start first," said Red. "Mooooooooo..."

"I said a mooning contest, not a mooing contest. What we do is pull our pants down and flash our butts to anybody we see. The one who shocks the most people wins."

"I didn't bring my taser."

"Just play the game, dumbface. Anyway,"--Ginger turns to Mira--"how about you Mira?"

"I'll pass," she said.

"Then how about you keep score?"

"Okay then."

The game thus starts. Ginger and Red starts to moon many people, from married mothers, single mothers, babies, horny teenagers, Asian tourists, Muslims, priests, and probably one of the members of the Royal Family. Somebody had called the constables on them. The constables arrive only to stare in bewilderment as two near-adult girls flash their buttocks at them. As usual, pictures were taken, but not of good quality because the photographers were not using the right film or did not set the proper shutter speed.

Ginger and Red weren't too concerned about their score as they laughed and enjoyed the fact that they are messing with peoples' minds. That is fortunate because Mira, did not keep score. Instead, the soaking-crotch Pakistani woman took the opportunity to catch sight of Ginger's vagina. The first time, she missed it. The second, she missed again. Mira shoves HLS to the other end of the car and leans closer and under Ginger so she can see in its perfect beauty something she has been seeking ever since she laid eyes on the rude and outspoken brat.

Becky sees a fence surrounding small mounds of rolling grass dotted by a good mount of trees. Then she looks up at the street sign and realizes that she had went past Tuffet Street on the roundabout and the park for a good minutes. Showing complete disregard to all British traffic laws, Becky spins her car around and swerves between the cars so she can get on Tuffet Street.

The sudden movements sends Red and Ginger tumbling from their "moon" mission. Red bounces off Becky and then falls back into the front passenger seat. Meanwhile Ginger dives forward and slams her head into HLS, who then whelps in pain. Without realizing it, Ginger lands on top of Mira, who was already under her trying to get a good look of her vagina. Mira's nose is driven deep into Ginger's vaginal opening. It did not come in contact with the clitoris, so Ginger did not ejaculate or become aroused. For Mira, her goal has been attained though she cannot see anything at the moment. Unfortunately, she could not savor the moment for she is suffocating for being smothered with womanly goodness.

"We're here," Becky announced as she parks the car by the park. She turns around and sees Red with her pants down, HLS pinned to the side by Ginger's head, and what seems to be Mira giving Ginger oral sex. Becky scratches her right wolf ear in bewilderment and wonders why she didn't notice that there was action going on to the side of her and in the back seat.

Struggling to breathe, Mira grabs a good portion of Ginger's right buttock. Ginger's ass became ultra-sensitive after being spanked so many times, and the grip sends out a sharp, painful sensation that made her scream out:

"Oh, fuck! My butt!"

The pain causes Ginger to leap off the seat, thus releasing HLS and freeing Mira's nostrils and mouth so she can breathe the free air. Then suddenly, Ginger's knees lands right on Mira's face and causes her nose bleed. Ginger clambers out of the car, pops open the trunk, and pours beer out of one of the kegs in order to soothe the pain her butt. Seeing this, Becky becomes distraught over the sight of beer being wasted as an ointment. So once again, Becky spanks Ginger on the bare butt painfully. Just like last time, spectators are watching, pictures are taken, and HLS shags two more female dogs. However, Mira could not see the spectacle because she is unconscious and her nose is bleeding.

Afterwards, Ginger sits on a cold bottle of beer on the sidewalk in order to alleviate the swelling. Red tries to fan Mira back to consciousness. With them in check, Becky along with HLS enter the park where it is filled happy children pushing each other off the jungle gyms, swings, slides, and hobby horses. Further into the park the kids are giving each other wedgies and wailing out loud to their stressed-out parents because they aren't allowed to have a second helping of ice cream or because their bratty sibling called them doo-doo head.

In the very same locale, there are single men trying to hit on young mothers, and older women hitting on unsuspecting and maturing boys or young men. Becky also sees four sets of couples making out on the benches. One of them is straight, one of them are lesbian, one of them are gay males, and they other she is not quite sure of. The couple she could not determine their genders let alone their sexuality are later seen having sex behind a tree, in a tree, and behind the bushes. What scares Becky is the complete mystery behind their gender identity.

HLS on the other hand spots two canine couples having sex out in the open in front of their owners. She snorts and turns her nose away from such sights because all four of them are straight.

After passing by a soccer game that soon erupted into fisticuffs, Becky sees a clearing. In that clearing is small green hill with a tall tree on top of it. Sitting on that green hill is a woman who is eating something from a plastic bowl. Becky approaches her from behind.

"You came," said the woman.

Becky looks down and sees that the woman in her late thirties is eating curds and whey.

"Sit down darling," said Kitty Muffet.

"I can't believe you still eat that stuff," exclaimed Becky.

"I have to watch my figure."

"What are you talking about? You're skinnier than the last time I saw you."

"What I meant I have to watch my tongue's figure."

"Oh. Oh, now I see. I almost completely forgot."

Becky sits down next to Kitty Muffet.

"So you know why I am here," said Becky.

"That is correct," said Kitty. "The underworld is stirring with many rumors. Soon enough the rumors will become fact. And that fact will bring chaos to this little planet."

"The glass slipper..."

Something stirs in the tree above them.

"Those who find the fragments will be rewarded greatly," continued Kitty, "and there has been hot competition lately. Becky you have to watch your back."

A thin, shaven man dressed in a skin-tight leather sneak suit slides quietly down a nylon rope that hangs from the strongest branch. Closer and closer he approaches Becky and Kitty. As he does so, he pulls out his knife and gets ready to strike.

"Oh look," said Kitty, "your dog is doing two dogs at once."

Becky turns her head and spots HLS shagging two female Labradors. Suddenly, she catches the sparkling glint of a knife at the back of her eye. Becky tumbles forward. She unsheathes her sword and in one slash kills the dangling marauder. The cut was so fast and brutal that blood sprayed out from his fresh wound and landed on the grass, the tree, and Kitty's bowl of curds and whey. Dead, the man drops his knife. His limbs dangle downwards, and he slowly swings from rope on the branch like a hanged man.

"Great," said Kitty. "You ruined my lunch." Kitty tosses her bowl and spoon onto the grass.

"Who is this guy?" Becky asked.

"Mister Spider. He's one of Robin's men. I could not move from this spot because I have no weapons on me to take him down. Your coming was sheer providence."

"Robin? I thought she was still in prison."

"Not anymore. Come, let us get out of here!"

Becky whistles, and HLS pulls its dildos out of the Labradors and creates a thread of white milky female dog ejaculate from their vaginas for about a second. HLS follows the running Becky and Kitty as they run and jump over dogs, toys, bushes, children, and a threesome in progress. At the sidewalk by the street, they find Ginger, Red, and Mira idling away by the blue Beetle.

"Get in the car!" Becky yelled.

The girls, their dog, and Kitty jump inside the car. Kitty was the last person to dive in, and she lands straight across Mira and Ginger's laps in the back seat. As Becky starts the car, Kitty sniffs the air and smiles.

"Darling, this car smells like a vagina juice," noted Kitty.

"That's because your nose is on my vagina," said Ginger.

Mira's jealously flares up and then she pulls Kitty off of Ginger and seats her in the middle. Of course, the vagina smell is actually emanating from Mira's wet panties.
With some fancy driving, Becky pulls out from the curb and immediately slams head on to another Volkswagen Beetle on oncoming traffic. Apparently, she forgot that people drive on the left side in London.

"All those in favor of Sis's sobering up say 'I'," Ginger said.

"I," said Kitty, and Mira. Ginger's vote is automatically counter because she suggested the poll. Red and Becky couldn't vote because their heads are buried in the rapid deployment airbags. Even though HLS said "bark", the girls in the back seat took it as another "I" vote.

Becky and Red collapse out of the car after being smothered by the airbags. An angry young male Londoner gets out of the Beetle Becky crashed into and starts yelling obscenities at her.

"Miraaaaa..." slurred Becky.

Mira sedates the young man with her tranquilizer pistol and drags him away from Becky. Ginger jumps out to kick him and steal his wallet.

"I know of a place we can stay in," said Kitty. "Hurry before the police arrives!"

Everyone climbs out of the car and disappear into a dark alleyway. After dodging the sights of the police and observant tourists, Becky and girls make to the back alleyways of the "not quite shady part" of London. Kitty leads them to the back door of a brick building and gives it a sequence of rhythmic knocks. The eyehole slides open, and peering out the door are the beautiful eyes of a woman.

"What's the password?" asked the female bouncer.

"Little Miss Muffet, sat on a Tuffet," Kitty replied.

"Eating her curds and whey..."

The door flies open. It turns out that the female bouncer is nothing more than a fifteen-year old girl dressed in a tight tuxedo and a red bowtie.

"Miss Muffet!" cried the young bouncer as she runs and hugs her.

"Paula darling!" cried Kitty.

"It's been a long time!"

"My have you grown!"

"Are these your new friends?"

"Let's just say they're my hired guns."

"I see. Please, come inside all of you!"

"Hired guns, huh?" grumbled Ginger.

Paula Parrot leads Kitty, Becky, and the rest of the girls down the dark hallway passing two dressing rooms and many beautiful women who are either scantily-clad or dressed provocatively in showgirl outfits. Finally she leads them out of the backstage and into the main hall of a smoky and noisy burlesque house. The place is packed, and there are numerous showgirls and waitresses flirting with the men and women (and vice versa). But upon closer inspection, Becky and her girls realize that the most of the men were actually butch women.

There is a comedic act currently going on the stage involving two lesbians (who are not going out with each other) with the stage names of Girly and Winter. Usually, Girly would start the act off with a funny adult joke, then she hands it over to Winter to answer. Before Winter could even answer, Girly would take a giant inflatable dildo and whack Winter's head. Winter in turn would hit Girly back with a giant inflatable vibrator, and then act would degenerate into a sword fight using two rubbery air-filled phallic props.

"What is this place?" asked Mira.

"You're in the Sapphic Cabaret," answered Kitty. "A place for lesbians and female bisexuals for all of London. I heavily invested in this place when I was part of the Lesbian Mafia. That Polly almost did something terrible to the women here..."

"What did she do?"

"When Polly turned straight, she wanted to cater this place to men and rename it the 'Phallic Cabaret'. Luckily, we hired Becky to do her in before she put these women to shame."

"Hey, it's the Muffin Woman!" screamed a Scottish teenage girl.

All of a sudden, all the girls and women in the cabaret swarmed Kitty Muffet. They become overjoyed and moved to tears by her surprise appearance. Then the situation becomes weirder when they all start dropping their pants and panties before her.

"Please Miss Muffet," cried a girl, "do me!"

"Do me!" said another.

"Okay, okay," said Kitty. "I promise to do each of you one at a time."

Mira, Ginger, Red, and HLS have been pushed far back and away from Kitty. Then they realize that Becky is missing.

"Where's Sis?" Ginger asked.

"She didn't get trampled, did she?" wondered Mira.

Red points, and the girls spot Becky drinking away at the bar. She has already finished ten whiskey bottles and ten mugs of beer.

With a lot of effort, Mira, Ginger, and Red part Becky from her beer and haul her upstairs to the one of the luxury suites designed for and by Kitty Muffet for private erotic female-to-female sessions such as lap-dances and outright sex. Inside, the suite has one large king-sized bed to which the girls drop Becky on.

"Is there anything you girls need?" Paula asked. She was the one who showed the girls to the suite.

"A keg!" cried the drunk Becky.

"Four bottles of mineral water--got it."

After Paula left, the girls take off Becky's trench coat and haul her into the bathtub in the adjacent bathroom. They fill up the tub and left Becky's head soaking in the water.

Back in the suite, Mira tries to rest on the king-sized bed while Red and HLS jumps up and down on the other side. Ginger busies herself by counting all the money that is found in all the wallets that was stolen. Then she pockets all the credit cards and decides to blow it all before she and her crew leaves London.

"I'm going downstairs," she announced.

Hearing this, Mira leaps off the bed and eagerly runs to Ginger's side.

"Do you want me to come with you?" said Mira. "I mean, there are a lot of tribades there, and I could fend them off by pretending that I'm your girlfriend or wife."

"I'll just tell them I'm a celibate New Age junkie." Ginger walks away.

Celibate? The word nearly gave Mira a heart attack. She quickly catches up to Ginger and follows her like a lost little girl.

"You're not serious about that, are you?" Mira asked Ginger. "I mean, you do want to have sex with someone someday, right?"

"Why should I?" retorted Ginger.

"Because, you know, people have these urges..."

"As of right now, I have no urge to screw anyone--except when it comes milking dough off them and pissing them off."

Mira's heart sank. "This cannot be," she said.

When the two of them reached the first floor, the suddenly stop dead on their tracks. The entire cabaret is dead silent, save for a couple of men dragging their unconscious and bi-curious wives and girlfriends out of the building. All over the place, all the girls and women lay unconscious with a sexually satisfied smile on their faces as well as their pants and panties down.

Mira and Ginger turn and find Paula rising from the tables in a zombie-like state.

"Paula?" said Mira.

Paula takes a couple of steps towards Mira and Ginger. She then smiles, and falls face forward on the ground. She too is pants-less and panty-less.

"What is going on here?" Mira asked. When she turned her head, Ginger was already busy raiding the women's wallets, purses, and jewelry. Though they were gay or bi, Ginger decided not to move the women's hands into each other's private places.

Rising from the table where Paula came from is Kitty. She wipes a milky-white thread of saliva off her mouth and stares dead on to Mira.

"What did you do to them?" Mira asked.

Kitty shrugs her shoulders. "Gave them the usual. These darlings are so demanding, and now my tongue is parched."

Kitty pulls up an empty chair to the table and pats it down so Mira could sit there. Mira obediently sits down while Kitty heads over to the bar to grab two bottles of mineral water.

"Don't worry about them," said Kitty as she sat with Mira. "They're only out for a couple of hours or so."

"What did you use?" Mira asked. "Did you use an perfume agent? Do you knock them out through poison applied to your fingernails?"

"I only used my tongue."


"I am an expert practitioner of Holistic Cunnilingus, and my skills are passed down from mother to daughter through many generations of Gypsy families."

"Holistic Cunnilingus?"

"A woman's clitoris has about 5000 nerves. By stimulating the clitoris in a certain way, a practitioner can alleviate and at many times cure the female patient of stress, diseases, cancers, and psychological disorders. It also has an added effect of giving the patient a time of her life as well as extending her life. However, the side effect is that the woman falls into a state of blissful unconsciousness for many hours or so depending on how the practitioner stimulates her clitoris."

"So why does it have to done with the tongue of another woman?"

"Only a woman will know how to properly do it once they experienced it themselves. A man cannot do it, and he will only make the female patient sick or at the very worst turn her off. Also, using a tongue provides the invigorating wet softness that a finger, a penis, or even a dildo or vibrator cannot provide. My special ability allowed me to climb into the top ranks of the Lesbian Mafia."

"Let me get this straight," Ginger interrupted (she had just finished stealing everyone's money and credit cards), "you mean to tell me that you can knock women out by sucking their pussies?"

"As you Americans put it, yes of course."

"I don't usually say this to other people, but that is so cool! Is it possible that you can kill someone through muff diving?"


"Can you do it?"

"Well, I tried to once, but I got knifed in the head by the person I was trying to kill. She escaped, and I was sent into a coma. It took me a year to recover."

"Actually, I take it back. Killing someone through pussy-sucking is stupid."

"But if you do it right, the target will be immobilized and she won't have chance to strike back. In actuality however, I hesitated in killing her. And so she got the better of me."


"It's because..."

"You loved her, didn't you?" Mira said.

"Anyway, we should probably go check on Becky."

"Wait a minute," Ginger interrupted, "I want you to do that Holistic Cunnilingus thing on Mira."
Mira's heart jumps. Did Ginger realize Mira had a crush on her? Does she want to kill her just because of that?

"Didn't you call my special ability stupid?" asked Kitty.

"Yeah, but I really want to see how it is done--on Mira."

"Eep!" cried Mira.

"Okay then," said Kitty. "Mira, please pull down your pants."

"Wait a minute! You're not going to try that technique you two discussed about on me, are you?"

"Don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. I'll relieve you of your tensions and frequent nose bleeds."

"Just as Kitty says," said Ginger, "you'll have a blast."

To Mira, Ginger seems to be eager seeing her getting pleasure from another woman. Is Ginger doing this to spite her? Or does she want to get off at Mira moaning in pleasure?

Kitty leads the nervous Mira to one of the lounge couches. Kitty pulls Mira's pants and panties down and off her legs and immediately bends her head into Mira's crotch. The tip of her contact slightly brushes the tip of the clitoris. Mira's waist buckles a bit, but she soon relaxes and allows Kitty to do her magic while Ginger watches with excited curiosity.

Soon enough, the pleasure reaches Mira's mind and she starts moaning with passion. As Kitty holds on to Mira's legs as she strokes the little vaginal bud with tight precision. Mira's body began to shake and quiver with enough force that it nearly rocks the couch. She grips the leather upholstery with unbridled ferocity as she goes deeper and deeper into ecstasy. The act of Kitty giving Mira her special treatment disappeared from Mira's mind, for which she thinks about her one and only true love.

At the final orgasm, Mira screams out loud, "Oh Ginger!"

Ginger's eyebrow rose at the loud utterance of her name.

With a smile across her face, Mira falls silent and unconscious. Kitty rises from Mira's crotch and wipes the female ejaculate off her face. Kitty has always been known to make any woman cum, so this is quite normal for her.

"Whoa," said Ginger. "I take it back. That was kinda cool."

"Shall I do you then darling?" asked Kitty.

"I'll pass. Say, let's do Sis!"

"Great idea."

After Ginger steals Mira's wallet, she and Kitty run upstairs just in time when Becky pulls her head out of the overflowing bathtub.

"What the?" she said to herself.

Becky lumbers back to her feet and walks into the suite to where Red and HLS are still jumping up and down on the bed. Judging by the noise they made, she thought two hot girls were having sex while she was sobering up.

"Okay," slurred Becky. "Who left the bathtub water running?"

Ginger and Kitty finally made it to the suite.

"Yo Sis!" Ginger cried out.

"What?" Becky responded.

"Looks like she's still drunk."


With Becky distracted, Ginger runs and immediately pulls her pants and panties down.

"Now!" Ginger cried.

Kitty lunges in and her mouth come in contact with Becky's clitoris. Becky is immediately immobilized in pleasure. She staggers backward and falls onto the bed. As Kitty orally stimulates her, Red and HLS stop jumping and watch the entire process of Holistic Cunnilingus with gaping awe. With her revenge fulfilled, Ginger laughs and gloats at Becky's downfall.

Later, Becky falls unconscious with a smile on her face. Ginger had stopped laughing minutes ago and feels dissatisfied at her "act of vengeance". Becky is down, but she isn't pissed.

"Damnit!" cursed Ginger. "Can't you do anything to make her frown?"

"My abilities only stimulate pleasure," said Kitty, "whether it is for good or otherwise."

"One time," Red started, "HL-Snagglepuss gave cunnilingus to a female bulldog wearing a cute pink ribbon for ten minutes or so."

Annoyed, Ginger glares at Red for saying that.

"Do her," Ginger commanded.

Kitty pounces Red onto the bed, pulls her pants and panties and down and gave her oral sex. Ginger sits on the nearest chair watching boredom. HLS also watched, but with great interest.

Since everyone is going to be out in an hour or so, Ginger and Kitty decide to stay in the suite and start playing poker using a sexually provocative "Lesbian Deck". Kitty gladly accepted Ginger's challenged to use money and whatever item they can use as barter, such as the clothes on their back. Little did Ginger know that Kitty is an ace poker player. Thus, she loses all the stolen loot, her glasses, and all her clothes to the practitioner of Holistic Cunnilingus.

"You don't suppose you have a brother that does Holistic Fellatio," Ginger said.

"Of course not," replied Kitty.

"Can you do Holistic Fellatio?"

"I do not fancy men, darling."

"Do you have a cousin that does Holistic Analingus?"

"No. Why do you keep asking?"

"Just 'cause."

"Oh, by the way--Full House."

"Damnit!" Ginger only has two queens.

"It looks I win again; but I already have your underwear."

"Fine," yawned Ginger. "You can do me as well. Just don't wake me up."

Ginger slumps forwards and dozes off in the nude on the table. Kitty sighs and decides not to do Ginger because it is against her code to give oral sex to sleeping women. She cleans up the table and heads downstairs to clean up as much as possible. Along the way, she hauls Mira back upstairs and puts her next to the unconscious and panty-less Red and Becky.

Eventually, all the women downstairs in the main hall wake up. Some of them remembered what happened to them, and some did not. Most of them became shocked at the fact that their pants and panties are missing for some odd reason.

Back in the suite, the panty-less Mira wakes up and her eye is caught by the sight of a beautifully nude Ginger sleeping on the table without her glasses. She leaps off the bed and sneaks over to Ginger in order to get a better glimpse of her body. As if it had a mind of its own, Mira's hand draws closer and closer to Ginger's right breast.

Mira snatches her hand back and shakes her head. No! It cannot be this way! She thought to herself. Then she smiled gleefully at the thought of finally touching Ginger. But I suppose one grope would not hurt.

Mira lustfully draws closer until:

"Don't touch my stuff!" Ginger cried.

She wakes up and throws her arms out. Ginger inadvertently strikes Mira in the face and causes her nose to bleed once again. Mira is knocked backward and falls to the floor and into a daze.

Ginger rubs her eyes and realizes that it was a bad dream that involved the IRS taking her money and the FBI confiscating her computers. She looks around and touches her body.

"Where's my stuff?" she asked herself.

Finally Red and Becky wake up. Red leaps off the bed and walks with HLS to the bathroom. Becky looks around and sees a naked Ginger searching through their duffle bags and Mira lying unconscious on the floor. Becky looks down below her waist and then says:

"Where's my pants?"

Everyone that Kitty gave oral to then put their panties and pants back on.

In the next couple of hours, Becky and the girls spent their time relaxing and having fun at the Sapphic Cabaret. Becky herself was allowed to drink again, but only in small amounts. With a generous heart, Kitty rented the clothes she had won from Ginger back to her. Ginger then went with Red and HLS to the alleyway through the back entrance to smash discarded light bulbs and beer bottles with steel bars. Mira hung out in the bar with Becky and Kitty. She then noticed that there were three Middle-Eastern women conversing with the bartender. She trots over to them and greets them in Arabic.

The three Middle-Eastern women introduced themselves as part of the OMAL, the Organization of Muslim and Arabic Lesbians[iii]. It is another fringe group like the OMAHM (Organization of Muslim and Arabic Homosexual Males) that is able to escape close scrutiny by their nation's theocratically inclined governments. Overjoyed to hear this, Mira chugs down a large mug of non-alcoholic beer and cried out:

"Yes! Thank Allah! I'm not alone!"

"So, um, do you want to go out with me?" asked Zara, a lesbian from Turkey. She is with her two Muslim friends who happen to be married and visiting London from Sacramento, California.

"I'm flattered, but you see, there is someone that I like."

"Is she a Christian?" asked Lama, wife of Huma.

"I hope she's not Jewish," remarked Huma. "Or at the very least not an Israelite."

"I'm not sure if she believes in God," said Mira. "Plus, she's American--from New Jersey."

Lama and Huma nod their heads, for they know what people from New Jersey are like.

"I see," said Zara. "Well then I wish you luck winning her over to you. Oh, and could you get her to join our organization? There is only ten--I mean, eleven of us right now, and we're traveling around the world to recruit new members."

"She's not a real people person..."

"Oh, please get her to join," begged Lama and Huma.

"I'll try."

The Sapphic Cabaret is situated in an unassuming four-story building in an unassuming neighborhood. There is no sign advertising its presence except for the Japanese kanji characters "shoujo" and "ai", which means "girl love", hanging from a sign above the unassuming front entrance. Three bouncers are guarding the front door; two of which are male, and the other, Paula Parrot, who happens to be a female bisexual. One of the men happily converses with Paula until suddenly two dark sedans and a short man on a motorbike pulls up.

From the first sedan comes an amiable-looking London woman in her late thirties dressed in a dark pleather jacket and a red blouse that is tightened to accentuate her cleavage. She is Robin Redbreast.

From the second sedan comes a tall handsome dressed in an expensive suit. He wears no tie, and his white shirt is untucked and opened up near the neck. He does a quick skip on the ground, and his hard boots shoes somewhat nosily. That man is Bobby Shafttoe. He was once a well-respected ballet dancer and kick boxer until he accidentally killed his partner during ballet rehearsal, so he claims.

Leaping from the fast motorbike is a short man of about four feet and nine inches tall. After taking off his helmet, it turns out that he is not at handsome as his co-worker Bobby, but he is still a ladies man and quick on his feet. The short mouse-like man is Tommy Tittlemouse. Tommy was once a popular thoroughbred jockey who was shamed because he and his trainer illegally doped their horse.

Coming out of the two sedans are eight shady young men dressed in schoolboy uniforms, sailor hats, and purple codpieces. They are part Robin's gang, the Clockwork Purples. They are all equipped with black canes and other walking sticks.

The male bouncers tell Paula to go inside and warn the Kitty and others. As she does so, the two men straighten their ties up and block Robin and her gang.

"Do you have an invitation?" they asked her.

Robin snaps her fingers, and in two blindingly fast moves Bobby obediently kicks the bouncers in the crotch. The bouncers clutch their blood-spurting crotches and collapse to their deaths.

Robin smiled and leads her gang into the Sapphic Cabaret.

Back inside, Paula talks to the all of the waitresses and female bouncers about Robin's arrival. The message is immediately relayed to Curly Locks, the elderly but still charming matron of the Cabaret. She interrupts an act performed the Shadow Girls and takes the microphone.

"May I have your attention please," cried Curly. "I am sorry to say this, but due to unfortunate circumstances we will be closing the Cabaret early today. Since the there is a problem with the front entrance, please use the side and rear exits. Our bouncers and waitresses will show you out."

"She's here," Kitty said to Becky.

Becky puts her hand on the handle of her sword anticipating possible attack. Mira parts with her newfound lesbian/tribade Muslim friends and joins up with Becky and Kitty.

All the patrons didn't take the closure too seriously until the front doors burst open. Out pours the Clockwork Purples using their canes to beat up anyone who stood in their way. As they scare the patrons away, Robin, Bobby, and Tommy walked with arrogance into the main hall. Robin's eagle eyes spot Kitty, and Kitty catches a glimpse of her sight. Before Kitty could run away, Robin pulls out her crossbow and shoots an arrow. The arrow lands and stops Kitty at her tracks. Becky leaps off her stool and draws out her Shinseiki while Mira draws out her tranquilize pistol.

Robin loads up another arrow and aims it at Becky's head.

"Don't any of you move!" she yelled.

"Robin Redbreast!" cried Kitty.

"Little Miss Muffet, who sat on a tuffet, and who used to live in Drury Lane. It looks like you have hired guns as well. But I never expected that you'd hire Little Wolfe Ears again."

"I take it you're after the glass slipper fragment as well."

"Of course not. I'm just after the reward. No get her!"

In one loud battle cry, all eight of the Clockwork Purples swarm in to fight against Becky. It a flash of zig-zag strokes, Becky kills all eight and immediately dashes into Robin.

Bobby Shafttoe suddenly appears right in front of her and deflects her blade with a high kick. Sparks fly, and it seems that his shoes are made of metal.

"What the?" gasped Becky.

"Becky, that's Bobby Shafttoe!" screamed Kitty. "One kick from him and you're a goner!"

"Oh great."

Bobby attacks Becky with a flurry spin kicks, high kicks, jump kicks, and standing kicks. Becky defends herself with her sword, and each time his shoe comes in contact sparks fly. His kicks are so deadly that every object such as wood, glass, concrete, and sometimes metal gets smashed and pulverized.

"Mira!" screamed Becky as she clashes her blade against Bobby's foot. "Get Kitty out of here!"

"What about you?" Mira yelled back.

"I'll catch up!"

"You're not getting away!" screamed Robin.

Robin fires a flurry of arrows at the escaping Mira and Kitty. Mira counterattacked by firing tranquilizer darts. They finally escape through the back stage halls from where they entered.

Becky continues her duel against Bobby Shafttoe. After dodging his last kick, Becky slips and lands on the wooden floor by the bar. Bobby leaps from a chair and tries to dive-kick onto Becky's head. Becky rolls to dodge and then thrusts her sword to his crotch. Bobby's pants ripped to expose a purple metal codpiece.

"Oh, crap," she said.

Bobby leaps and tries to smash Becky's head again. Becky throws her sword out of the way and catches Bobby's attacking leg. Bobby tries to switch to another foot, but Becky anticipates and catches it. Becky thwarts all attempts made by Bobby, and ends up directly under him. With all her might, Becky pushes herself back to her feet and uses Bobby's legs to push him to the floor. Bobby tries to wrestle away from Becky's grip on his legs. Becky takes her foot and starts pounding hard onto Bobby's metal codpiece. Soon enough, Bobby's resistance is waning as the damaged metal from his groin protection starts to cut into his penis and testicles. Becky pounds further and further until Bobby becomes limp with pain. She drops his legs, and Bobby starts crying like a little boy. He then curls up into a ball and digs his hands into his pants in an attempt to alleviate the pain to his manhood.

Becky left him be, and then picks up her sword. He looks around the main hall and finds that Robin and Tommy Tittlemouse have already left. She immediately runs backstage and exits the Sapphic Cabaret. Outside, she finds a pumpkin-orange U.K. version of a four-door Volkswagen Golf. Red, Mira, Ginger, Kitty, and HLS were already inside the possibly stolen vehicle and waiting for Becky.

"Off all the cars you could have stolen," groans Becky, "why do you torment me with this shit?"

"Well, too bad Sis," said Ginger, who is currently at the wheel. "Now get in."

"I'm driving."

"Like hell you are! This is a British car! The steering wheel is on the--"

Becky pulls open the car door and punches Ginger. Ginger is sent tumbling to the passenger seat and lands upside down. Her butt is up in the air much to Mira's delight.

Becky floors the pedal and screeches out of the alleyway and into the streets. Almost immediately, they are hounded by two dark sedans belonging to Robin Redbreast.

"Who is this Robin Redbreast?" Mira asked.

"She's one of my former partners," said Kitty. "She was sent to prison almost a year ago for pimping."

"Why is she called Redbreast?" Red asked.

"Because she has a red breast... on the left breast. Actually, it's a reddish birthmark takes up about one-third of her left breast."

"Could someone help me back up?" whelped Ginger.

"I will," Mira said. She inadvertently touches Ginger's sensitive part of her butt, causing her to once again scream, "Oh, fuck! My butt!"

Becky's spins the steering wheel and loses the two sedans amidst the traffic.

"Did we lose them?" Mira asked.

Two bullets strike the back windshield of the pumpkin-orange Volkswagen Golf. All the girls, except for Ginger, duck down. Mira and Kitty peek from behind the back seat and sees a short man riding on fast motorbike.

"It's Tommy Tittlemouse!" gasped Kitty.

"Tommy Tittymouse?" said Red.

"He's one of the fastest and deadliest getaway assassins in this part of London! Becky darling, can you handle him?"

"Not while I'm driving," said Becky. "Red-chan?"

Red loads a magazine into her pistol. "I'm on it Grandma!" she said.

"Good. You get in the trunk with HLS and keep Tommy at bay. If there's one thing that Tommy doesn't have is the fact that we're American women!"

"What the hell do mean by that?" Ginger cried out.

"Hang on!"

Becky swerves onto the oncoming traffic lane while Red climbs into the trunk where HLS is busy keeping her balance. She opens the hatchback window and takes aim at the quick Tommy Tittlemouse.

"Did Sis merge onto oncoming traffic?" cried Ginger, who apparently could not see what is going on but can hear the honking horns of many angry drivers. "Somebody please tell me! If she is, we're gonna die!"

Red engages in a moving gunfight against Tommy while Becky swerve to avoid the incoming cars. Red fires a bullet straight into Tommy's helmet. With him distracted, Becky swerve to avoid a silver sedan. The sedan hits Tommy's motorbike sending him flying into the air.

"We got 'em!" Red cheered.

"What's going on?" Ginger cried.

Suddenly, something crashes onto the hood of their car. It is Tommy Tittlemouse, and he is still alive and determined to stop Becky. Becky tries to shake him off, but he holds on like glue. He takes his pistol and aims at Becky's head.

"Grandma!" cried Red. "Duck!"

Becky and all the girls duck as Red fires directly at the front windshield. A after a couple of shots, the windshield shatters, and a piece of the glass flies out and lodges itself onto Ginger's butt, thus causing her to shout the usual expletive.

In one shot to the head, Red kills Tommy and sends him hurtling from the car's hood and onto oncoming traffic where he then gets run over by a double-decker bus.

Becky finally swerves back to the proper driving lane.

"Yay!" cheered Red. "We did it! We did it!"

"For Ahriman's sake, what the fuck is going on?" screamed Ginger.

Suddenly two arrows strike the tires of the Golf. Becky loses control and swerves into the Tower Bridge[iv]. Another arrow strikes the engine, and then another strikes Ginger's butt, causing her to curse yet again.

The car slides into a halt. The bridge is deserted because it is being blocked off by black vans. After a dark sedan pulls up next to them, Robin walks out of the car and the van doors slide open. Out comes more Clockwork Purples wielding various blunt objects such as bats, machetes, chains, and wood planks with a nail on it.

"Get them!" yelled Robin.

In one great big roar, the Purples swarm to the downed Golf. Becky and HLS burst out of the vehicle while Mira and Red keeps most of the thugs at bay with her guns. Using her Shinseiki, she cuts off all the Purples' codpieces clear off their crotches. Becky pulls off HLS's toy prosthetic nose from her collar and throws it to one of the unsuspecting Purples.

"Get 'em," said Becky.

HLS growls and lunges in to the Purple who had caught her toy nose. Without his precious purple and metal codpiece, HLS rips out his penis and testicles and commences to do the same to the others.

One by one the Clockwork Purple's fall through Becky's sword, Red's bullets, Mira's tranquilizer darts, and HLS's jaws. Suddenly, they realize that Kitty has disappeared from the car.

"Where's Kitty?" Becky asked.

"She must've disappeared when we were shooting!" Mira yelled.

"Ginger, you're were supposed to watch her!"

Ginger had already crawled out of the car. She is on the ground on her stomach wincing in pain.

"Gee, Sis," started Ginger, "I suppose having a glass shard and an arrow stuck on my ass enhances my focusing powers tenfold."

Becky spots Kitty running into of the bridge towers. She then slashes her way through the Clockwork Purples and follows Kitty inside.

At the tower bridge observatory, Robin had already shot Kitty in the shoulder with an arrow. Kitty lunges in and tries to wrestle Robin's crossbow out of her hands. Kitty pulls down Robin's blouse and the left breast with the reddish birthmark falls out. Robin meanwhile pulls out Kitty's small toupee that hid her scar she received from a knife Robin used to put her in a coma during their last encounter.

"I thought you were against Polly's ambitions to turn our girls into straight whores," Kitty cried "It turns out you want to cash in on her dreams by yourself!"

"Those girls should be treated like the dirty filth they are!" cried Robin. "Lesbian prostitution is not a profitable venture, and Polly knew it!"

"I was once a lesbian prostitute! What do you have to say to that?"

"With Polly killed, I would have made you an exception!"

"I cannot live with the fact that our girls will be forced to suck dicks against their own will!"

"If you were so against it, why did you hesitate when gave Holistic Cunnilingus #10 to me?"

Kitty did not answer, for it is obvious that she and Robin shared each other's bodies for so long, yet their opinions on businesses matters differed so greatly.

Kitty breaks free from Robin's grip. She takes one of her arrows out of her jacket and plunges into her right breast. Blood sprays out and Robin screams and clutches her wound. Kitty pushes her down and immediately pulls out Robin's pants and panties.

"What are you doing?" Robin cried.

"Something that I should have done a long time ago," said Kitty as she bends her head over to Robin's crotch. Kitty's tongue comes in contact with the clitoris, and Robin's lower half of her body is immobilized with utter ecstasy.

Robin resists Kitty's technique and pulls out a knife from her jacket. She hovers it above the scar on Kitty's head...

Robin hesitates. She lets go of the knife. Her entire body melts away in pleasure and grabs Kitty's head.

"Stop," Robin pleaded. "Stop. Please stop!"

"I am sorry my love," Kitty mumbled.

The treatment continues on for minutes. Robin's eyes well up with tears of ecstasy and sadness.

"Please stop, Kitty!" she pleaded.

"Robin..." Kitty's eyes were also full of tears of joy and sadness.

"Kitty... I love you!"

In one load moan, Robin came and sprayed her ejaculate onto Kitty's face. Robin's body becomes limp on the tiled floor.

Becky, HLS, and the other girls finally make it up to the top observatory.

"Whoa, she does have a red breast," noted Ginger. "Two of them to be exact."

Mira heads over to check the pulse on Robin's body. There is none.

"She's dead," she reported.

"Miss Muffet, are you okay?" Red asked.

Kitty wipes her tears and puts her toupee back on her bald spot. "I'm fine Red darling."

"We'd better get outta here before the cops come," said Becky.

And they did. Of course, they did not leave without the wallets Ginger stole from Robin and the dead Clockwork Purples.

Kitty, Becky and the rest of the gang went back to the Sapphic Cabaret to spend the rest of the day there. Becky got drunk to her heart's content, and Mira used her amateur surgery skills to patch up Kitty's wound. With great delight, Mira also patched Ginger's butt although she nearly slipped up because she was too busy gawking and drooling. In the middle of the surgery, Ginger accidentally causes Mira's nose to bleed again when she reacted to the pain of the glass shard being pulled from her ass. Afterwards, Ginger and Red assisted with the renovation of the Cabaret by smashing and destroying things that could not be fixed as well as some things that could have been salvaged. Also, HLS shagged twelve more female dogs.

Kitty announced that is going to leave for the United States and live there until things settle down in London. All the women who worked in the cabaret cried tearful protests and begging her to go.

"Do not worry, darlings," she said. "I will be back, but I will leave a parting gift for you all."

So, she gave a special session of Holistic Cunnilingus to all the women and girls who worked at the Cabaret. After she gave them oral, she left with Becky and her gang to the airport at the next day.

They arrive with their luggage at the waiting area where Kitty is going to reveal the location of the glass slipper fragment.

"Polly and the others said to keep it because it was worth something," said Kitty. "I never though a small piece of glass would cause so much trouble."

"Shut-up and tell us where it is!" cried Ginger.

"Okay, okay. Don't have a cow, darling. It's in a special box."

"To the lockers!" cried Becky.

Becky and her gang start marching to the lockers not far from the waiting area.

"Where are you going?" Kitty asked.

Everyone stops and turn back to her.

"Didn't you say that it is in some box?" asked Becky. "It's in a locker isn't it?"

"Yes, I did say it's in a box, but not that kind of box," smiled Kitty.

In broad daylight and in front many people, Kitty drops her pants and panties and reaches her hand deep into her vagina. After seconds of digging, Kitty pulls out a small plastic bag containing a shiny crystal-like glass fragment. The plastic bag is still slimy from Kitty's natural lubricants, and she hands it over to Becky.

"Eww," said Becky. "You can take this Ginger."

"I ain't touching that," complained Ginger.

Red snatches the plastic bag and opens it up. The fragment, which is surprisingly dry, sparkles and forms rainbows from the rays of the morning sun.

"So pretty," she said.

Mira takes a closer look on the fragment and discovers something interesting.

"It looks like there's some markings," said Mira.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," Kitty said as she pulls her panties and pants back up.

"It's written in a certain Greek code," Red said.

"Finally dumbface says something intelligent," said Ginger.

"So if we find the rest of the fragments, some kind of message will appear?" Becky asked.

"Yes Becky," said Red. "And maybe we can find a clue to my past."

"What did you just call me?"

"I called you Grandma, Grandma!" Red smiled.

"Man, I sure we hope we get the other fragments easily next time."

The girls load up their luggage and waved a temporary goodbye to HLS who is put in a kennel to be stored in the cargo hold. HLS was never distressed to be left alone because she can always chew her way out of her kennel and mate with the other female dogs on board in the cargo hold in mid-flight. When it comes to male dogs, however, she either ignored them or bit their crotches.

The girls check into the gate using false identities and false passports created by Ginger, who had bought all the falsification materials from a shady London vendor using fake U.K. pounds.

A movie simply called The Matrix was being shown during the flight. Red and Ginger were simply awed by the awesome special effects and thought about doing the things the main hero does, such as bullet-time, in real life. Pretending that it was date movie, Mira attempted to put her hand on Ginger's hand or put her arm around her shoulder. Unfortunately, her plan failed because Ginger kept on throwing her arms out and hitting Mira's nose every time there was a cool action sequence. After the movie ended, Red and Ginger fell asleep, while Mira tried to stop her nose from bleeding again. During that time, Becky asked Kitty where she is going to stay after they landed.

"You could always stay at our cabin," Becky suggested. "Of course, we don't have many rooms left, but we could always get another woman for a foursome."

"Thanks darling, but I think I'll give my tongue a holliday," Kitty replied. "Besides, I always wanted tour this 'Land of the Free' of yours."

"In that case, may I recommend you staying at a friend's house?"

"What's t

Chapter 10

Title: Hammer and Axe

Chapter 10: Hammer and Axe

In a one of the nastiest parts of Winnipeg of province of Manitoba, Canada, there is a building that looks abandoned, yet it isn't. Inside, machines pour, churn, and turn. Purple bottles are being filled with a pink shampoo substance and capped off with an awfully phallic cap. Burly and scantily clad male workers in tight leather stuff the bottles onto crates and then load them up the truck trailers for eventual shipping.

A big black muscular man named John Henry emerges from his office with his lover, the bearded and buff Canadian Paul Bunyan after their usual sex and drug romp. They head down to the first level and enter a guarded booth. Inside, is a famished man on the floor with both his hands deep into his crotch. He is in pain, and cannot take more of the suffering inflicted on his pubic hair.

"Tell us where the glass slipper fragment is Georgie Porgie!" demanded Bunyan.

"Fuck you!" cursed Porgie as he continues to scratch his itchy groin incessantly. "Fuck you and your black lover and your damn operation!"

"You don't want to have anything happen to your friends, eh?" said Henry. "Or do you want to involve your lover Bunny Foo Foo?"

"How do you know about him?"

"Tell us where it is!" cried Bunyan.

"All right! I'll talk!"

It was quite sudden and unexpected when Spoon told Dish that he was going to take an extended break from his work and go back to his hometown in Winnipeg, Canada.

"One of my best friends has recently died," explained a forlorn Spoon.

"I'll see you later then," Dish said.

Spoon grabs his suitcase and heads out of the motel room and into the bus stop. Dish sits on the edge of his bed twiddling his thumbs in his mind. Something irks him about their separation. Dish feels that something is going to happen very soon, yet he cannot say anything to stop his partner.

"Perhaps I should take a break too," Dish said to himself.

Dark clouds ready to rain fury gather overhead as a purple Dodge Neon sedan surges northward to the Canadian border.

The driver, a fortunately sober wolf-eared Becky Wolfe, is still grumbling at that the fact that this is the only car Ginger and Red can muster up. Days ago, Becky sent Ginger and Red to the local dealership. Ginger was relied on due to her superior and "awesome" haggling skills, and Red was relied on due to her innocent cuteness of financial death. Apparently, the purple Dodge Neon is the only good car in the backwoods dealership, and that happens to be the owned the ownership of the dealer himself.

Mira is in the front passenger seat knitting a sweater. HLS tries to maintain balance in the rear middle seat, while Ginger and Red concerned themselves playing PokÈmon against each other using Game Boy Color handheld game systems via a link cable. Red is playing PokÈmon Red on her red Game Boy Color, while Ginger is using a hacked version of PokÈmon Green on her green Game Boy Color.
Although she is the smartest of the group, Ginger is becoming frustrated at the fact Red is beating the crap out of her by using a mid-level Pikachu against Ginger's high-level Mew (which she acquired through a cheating device). After losing the battle, Ginger angrily grabs both Game Boys and tosses them out of the car window.

"Sis, I want a new Game Boy!" whined Ginger.

"What am I, a freakin' breadwinner?" said Becky. "I'm not getting you anymore."

"That's not fair! Red cheated!"

"Why don't you use your 'superior and awesome' intellect to steal money from a gullible elderly couple to buy another one?"

"I already did that. And I already spent it all."

"On what?"

"A new PC and a 10,000 RPM SCSI hard drive."

"I'll buy you a new Gameboy," announced Mira.

"All right! Now fork over the cash, girl!"

"Um, I don't have it on me right now."

"Then what good are you? Sheesh!"

Groaning, Ginger slumps back to her seat. She folds her arms and kicks the back of Becky's seat in boredom.

"Stop that," complained Becky.

"Stop what?" asked Ginger. She continues to kick Becky's seat.

The Neon screeches to a halt on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. Becky pulls Ginger out of the car and spanks her with thirty swift slaps on the ass.

Later, Ginger sits on her side rubbing the pain off her butt while Mira watched her with arousing intent. Meanwhile, Red sits listening to her Britney Spears CD at full volume on her portable CD player.

Still pissed at Red's "cheating" on the PokÈmon games, Ginger snatches Red's CD player and throws it out the window. Mira and Becky did not protest the anti-social behavior being done on poor innocent Red mostly because they are getting tired of her humming "You Drive Me Crazy", which is sung by Britney Spears.

"I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored!" moans Ginger. "Let's play with HLS's nose toy thingy."

Upon hearing that, HLS growls and bites Ginger's already swollen ass.

"Oh fuck! My butt!" Ginger cried.

Hearing this, Mira instinctively puts her hands deep into her panties.
As the hours pass by, the dark clouds sends out wave after wave of thunder and lightning. Ginger and Red quake in their seats, for they are afraid of such natural weather phenomenon (although Ginger does not want to admit it). At the next flash of lightning, Ginger and Red spring from the their seats to grab out of each other, thus sandwiching HLS in the process. HLS yelps in pain and immediately slithers from the teenage sandwich and leaps onto the lap of Mira.

"Grandma! I'm scared of the lightning!" Red cried.

"Ginger why did you have to throw Red's headphones out of the window?" asked Becky. "You know that Britney is only thing preventing her from being scared."

"'Cause they sound like crap!" Ginger responded. "And Britney is an attention grabbing-whore!"

"I'll let that slide for now."

Becky searches through the CD-visor for a Britney Spears disc for Red to listen to and for the others to suffer to. She finds none. She turns on the radio and gets nothing but static and a Christian rock station.

Another thunder strikes. Red and Ginger hold each other tighter, while Ginger wets her pants in fear--with urine.

"Ginger, I didn't know you were afraid of thunder," said Becky.

"Of course not!" yelled Ginger.

Mira looks back at the two girls, but she did not feel an ounce of jealousy for Ginger holding to Red for dear life. In fact, Mira felt a little strange about this sight, and began to fantasize Ginger and Red having hot and unbridled teenage tribade sex. Then fantasizes started to include Mira in a threesome with the two girls. The thought of that made Mira wet again. A threesome with Ginger and Red is something she would not mind.

"Would you girls like to hold onto me until the storm dies down?" Mira asked them.

"No way!" boasted Ginger. "We have this all taken care of!"

Another lightning strikes, and it is very close to the Dodge Neon they are riding in. Red and Ginger hold each other once more.

"Um, I guess you can sit between us," said Ginger. "But don't you tell anyone about this!"

"Not a word," winked Mira.

"And you still owe me a Gameboy!"

Mira unbuckles her seatbelt and carefully crawls to the middle of the backseat where Red and Ginger create an opening. As Mira settles herself in and puts on her seatbelt, Red and Ginger immediately hold their bodies tightly against her just as another thunder booms. As the girls wail in fright, Mira discreetly smiles in guilty ecstasy as she puts her hands deep into soaking panties once more. While she's at it, Mira might as well stealth-masturbate.
Becky felt left out of the girl-bonding and the boob-smashing in the back seat. She sighs and wished that HLS knew how to drive.

Everyone completely forgets that Ginger is still peeing in her pants.

Garbed in the darkest suit he can find, Spoon discretely walks into the middle of the funeral of Georgie Porgie at an ordinary cemetery in one late afternoon. A female priest of a multi-denominational church had just read Porgie's rites. Also attending is a significant number of handsome and muscular men and their lovers. There are also some male transvestites (some of which are in their elder years) and about two transsexuals. All of them are weeping quite bitterly, and Spoon mustered his strength to hold his tears back for he does not want to be seen.

When the service finished, Spoon quietly left the cemetery and immediately got back to his car. He drove around his neighborhood reliving the nostalgic memories of his life in Winnipeg, such as his first homosexual crush at the tender age of thirteen. His father was an Anglican, while his mother was a Roman Catholic, and both did not seem to express any opinion on homosexuals ever since Spoon lived with them. Even so, he never told them, and he nearly escaped all potential parental oppression when other parents reported to Spoon's parents about his sexual behavior. Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Spoon would simply deny it based on the lack of evidence.

Right before Spoon moved to the United States for FBI training at Washington D.C. (he has dual citizenship for being born in the state of Wisconsin), he finally announced to his parents that he was bisexual, but leaning towards men. Surprisingly, they took the news quite well only because they anticipated it after all the allegations that their son is gay. They wished him luck with the government training and life in general.

Spoon's father offered this parting advice to his son:

"The United States may be a land of freedom, but you will not be free from oppression within. Be careful on what you do. Someone out there will always hate because of what you are for illogical reasons, but never forget that someone out there will always love you no matter what. Your mother and I are part of latter. I hope you find the person you want to spend the remainder of your life with."

With a smile on his face, Spoon left for the U.S. with great optimism. He made sure to suppress his homosexual tendencies at the workplace. Unfortunately, he became the target of many good-looking female agents whom he have no interest with.

He is back home now. Spoon then drives from the main streets to a secluded business area where there have been recent arrests of illegal prostitution. He parks his car next to an unassuming one-story building titled Diddle-Diddle in pink neon letters. It is a gay bar.

Entering the Diddle-Diddle gay bar brings Spoon many memories of him sneaking in because he was underage. He had snuck in when he was fifteen, but he was caught and booted out. One of his older gay friends ran a lounge show, so he begged and begged to let him in. Since then, Spoon was granted special permission to come in through the back door and the back stage whenever he pleases. He lost his virginity there at the age of sixteen when he was drunk to an older man, but Spoon wasn't too pissed about it. He had some wild and fun times there, most of which didn't involve sex of any kind. It was a place where he can be comfortable and look at men's butts without getting punched in the face. Actually, he did get punched, and that was by the jealous boyfriend of the guy Spoon was looking at.

Spoon sits down two tables away from the main stage. A show is about to start, and cross-dressed black announcer announced that the bar's main attraction, Bunny Foo Foo, is about to perform a selection from Celine Dion's latest album. All of the patrons hoot and holler with fanaticism, but Spoon simply claps politely. He expected Bunny to change his repertoire after all these years, maybe to Cher as Spoon suggested to him.

Bunny Foo Foo emerges from the opening curtains in an extravagant blue dress and in captivating makeup and dyed-brown hair. This reinforces Spoon's thinking that all Asians, whether female or cross-dressed male, are the most beautiful people in the world. Bunny is a Japanese transsexual whose real name is Baten Fudou.

After the performance, Spoon waits at the bar and orders his drink. Bunny emerges from backstage to embrace Spoon "hello" with a kiss and then sits down next to him.

"Hey Cheesy!" Bunny greeted. "It's been so long! How have you been?" Cheesy is a nickname almost everyone gave to Spoon since he was born in Wisconsin

"I'm doing fine Buns," said Spoon.

"I take it you're here because of Georgie."

"I'm sorry."

Bunny falls silent. The bartender pours him a drink, which he immediately devours.

"My dear Georgie has run into some bad people recently," continued Bunny. "It's all because he found this 'fragment' from a foreigner."

"A fragment? That sounds familiar," said Spoon.

Suddenly, the Motorola cellular flip-phone vibrates like phallic vibrator in Spoon's jacket. Spoon walks over to a quieter place in the bar and answers it.


"Patrick? Where are you?" It was Dish's voice, and it made Spoon blush because he called him by his first name in quite a while.

"I'm in a... bar," replied a nervous Spoon. "So what's up?"

"I want you to meet me in the CSIS[i] building in Winnipeg. We we've received word that Becky and her gang have been spotted by the Canadian Border Patrol."

"I sort of mentioned that I'm on break."

"This is serious, Spoon."

"Can't you get the Canadian authorities to help you?"

"They are cooperating with the FBI, but we have very limited support right now."

"All right then. I will come by."

Spoon hangs up.

"Is that man your lover?" Bunny asked him.

Spoon blushes uncontrollably and hides his smirk. "Of course not!" he cried.

"I see. You have a major crush on him, don't you?"

"Well, yes."

"Have you confessed to him yet?"

"I can't do that. You see, he's a Southern Baptist, and his father, the head director, is also a Southern Baptist. Jonathan's father is staunchly against gay marriages, and I'll assume he is also homophobic."

"That doesn't mean your man of your dreams is homophobic like his dad. Look how you turned out."

"I know, but I have to make sure he won't lash out on me, tell his father, and get me fired."

"You'll never know unless you ask."

"You're right Bunny! Today will be the day! Canada is the liberal version of the U.S.A.! I'm sure this is the right place and the right time!"

"I have no clue what you meant just now, but good luck!"

Excited, Spoon kisses Bunny goodbye and then drives off over to the CSIS building. He makes it up to the assistant director's office where Dish is waiting. When Spoon came face to fact to his partner, he simply stuttered.

"Well? What is it?" Dish asked.

"L-let's get to work!" cried Spoon.

Word on the street states that there is Italian businessman that arrived in Winnipeg carrying a suspicious and lightweight silver briefcase. He was escorted by two Mafioso-looking men, who followed the businessman from Italian restaurant to Italian restaurant. He sharply criticized the cooks for its "Candianized" cooking each time he dropped by. That was enough for him to marked as a target by the culinary mafia, yet they did not take action.

It turns out an unknown group consisting of men whose shirts are about to be ripped due to their awesome pectorals assaulted him and his bodyguards, and then took his lightweight briefcase. The briefcase was lined with many layers of lavender padding that protected a small jewel box. Inside the jewel box was nothing.

Sensing that he might get assaulted by various shady groups, the businessman slipped the contents of the jewel box into the pockets of one unsuspecting waiter, who also happens to frequent the Diddle-Diddle gay bar. That waiter's name is Georgie Porgie, who had unwittingly inherited the sought-after glass slipper fragment and paid for it with his life. However, the cause of his death was somewhat unusual. He died due to massive stress. When the police found his body in the river, they find that his hands were in his crotch, and that his crotch was swollen, red, and bloody due to constant scratching.

There are rumors that the Winnipeg gay mafia now has the fragment in a seemingly abandoned factory complex under tight security.

At the start of the evening, a rusty white AMC Gremlin pulls up to the rear of two-story office building. Out comes Becky Wolfe, battle ready. Mira steps out of the passenger seat with her tranquilizer pistols armed. Red, Ginger, and HLS burst open the rear hatchback and spill out. Red is dressed in her usual crimson hood and a t-shirt that reads "I'm an angel, and I piss blood in your mouth!" Ginger has her laptop bag slung under her shoulder and is dressed in a shirt that reads "I exist only to torment you and steal your credit card numbers".

The reason they had to use the Gremlin is because Becky crashed the Neon during their information reconnaissance. She blamed Ginger for the accident because she was trying to find a way to piss off a Canadian, which proved to be difficult. However, Mira advised Ginger to piss off a Canadian as if he or she were an American, since they share somewhat similar cultures. Ginger blames Becky for the accident for being a bit drunk as always. Apparently, the Gremlin is the only car Ginger and Red could muster up in such short notice, and Becky's tolerance of ugly cars is wearing thin.

"I bet the glass slipper fragment is being held in the second floor," said Becky. "Let's move out!"

Using her silenced pistol, Red takes out the nearest overhead lamp and the security camera installed above the door. Ginger moves in and plugs her probes into the electronic lock. The probes are attached to a Palm Pilot PDA she had swindled from a yuppie businessman, and she uses it with great ease to unlock the door.
Becky kicks open the door and leads the girls and the others down the dark halls at a fast pace. Becky, Red, and Mira quickly take out any guard that stood in their way as they make their way into the stairwell.

The girls stop right in the middle to reload whatever bullets or tranquilizer cartridges into their weapons. Ginger unfolds her laptop and plugs it in into a data port on the wall panel.

"Have they been alerted of our presence?" Becky asked Ginger.

"No they haven't," she replied.

"Okay, then. We're going up now."

"Hey, wait a second!"

Right when Becky and Red make to the second floor, the searchlights of a helicopter appear right before them. Soon enough, the helicopter itself descends to their level.

"This is the CSIS!" blared a bullhorn. "We have you surrounded."

Becky looks down to see that the building is rapidly being surrounded by CSIS agents. A dark government-issued Ford Taurus sedan pulls up in the rear carrying Dish and Spoon.

"We've got them now," said Dish.

Back in the building:

"Damnit!" Becky cursed. "Ginger, why didn't you tell us the Canadian feds is on our tails?"

"I tried to Sis, but you just freakin' rushed in!" yelled Ginger as she and Mira join up with Becky.

The windows shatter, and tear gas canisters fly into the windowed hallway.

"This way!" cried Becky.

The girls cover their mouths and tried to navigate their way their noxious smoke, but they didn't realize that they left HLS behind. Somehow, they find themselves traversing a walkway connecting the office building and a dilapidated warehouse.

"There they are!" cried an armed CSIS agent.

Becky and the girls immediately run into the warehouse where it is apparently deserted. The CSIS agents are rapidly surrounding the area, and Becky must think fast in order to save her lover and the rest of the team. From the vantage point of the catwalk, she spots four partially open small silos containing what seems to be some white flour.

"Everyone, jump into these things," Becky said.

"Like hell," said Ginger. "I'm not jumping into that thing full of whatever it is--unless it's crack, then maybe we can sell it."

"Then you go first."

Becky lifts Ginger off her feet and sends her screaming and falling from the catwalk into the nearest silo. Becky, Red, and Mira went further down that catwalk that ran alongside the four silos and immediately jump into their designated positions. Each of them manages to swim up the flour-like powder so they can breathe freely. Then they start to wait.

Later, Dish and Spoon entered the warehouse where the CSIS agents are combing through every nook and cranny for the whereabouts or possible escape route of the girls. They still haven't found anything.

"Perhaps they could have escaped through the sewer line?" Spoon suggested.

"Perhaps but if I know Wolfe-Ears, she has a certain weakness for human feces," said Dish.

"Do you mean scat? You know, she may be afraid of the act of pooping in a erotic situation, not the poop itself."

"In that case, then search the sewer line!" Dish ordered.

"Do we have to?" whined a CSIS agent.

"I am in charge in this operation, aren't I?"

And so, the unlucky CSIS agents, who are resentful of an American hick commanding them, grudgingly obeyed him and start to search the sewer line that can be entered through a grate at the other end of the warehouse. As Dish and Spoon wait, Spoon suddenly hears a dull thud in one of the four small silos just before him. He disregards it and decides to muster up his courage to confess his feelings to Dish.
Then Spoon hears it again. He walks closer to the silo closest to where the catwalks intersect. Waiting for silence, points his left ear towards the outer hull and hears some faint cursing. It sounded like this:

"Oh, fuck! My butt!"

Raising his eyebrow in surprise, Spoon immediately pulls down the lever attached to the silo. In a dusty torrent of white powder, all of the silo's contents pour out, including a tomboyish girl wearing glasses with a laptop computer bag slung under her shoulder. Ginger wipes her eyes and her glasses. The dust clears and she discovers that she's been spotted.

"Oh, fuck," she cursed.

"Get her!" Dish yelled.

Suddenly, the two silos next to Ginger's pour out and out comes a white-powdered Red and Mira with their weapons drawn. Dish, Spoon, and the rest of the CSIS agents draw their pistols out against them.

"Secret Technique Howling Half-Moon!" Becky cries out.

Her silo explodes with a single cut of her Shinseiki katana and creates a dusty storm so large that it fills up the entire warehouse. With everyone's vision obscured, Becky and the girls take advantage of the confusion to escape back the way they came from--to the office building.

"Take my hand, Ginger!" Mira cried out.

"Dish, is that you?" Spoon asked.

When the dust cleared, Mira discovers she took the hand of Spoon, who thought Dish was leading him. Mira screams and pushes him off the catwalk and onto the pile of white powder. She joins up with her comrades at the walkway and immediately enters the office building.

Dish runs to check on Spoon, who dazed but unhurt as the white flour-like powder breaks his fall. Everyone in the warehouse are covered from head to toe in the white flour-like substance and almost make them look like cartoon ghosts.

"Are you okay?" Dish asked him.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"Good, then let's go after them. The rest of you follow me."

As the CSIS agents recover from their temporary blindness, Dish and Spoon chase after Becky and the others down the halls of the office building while exchanging shots. For some reason, their aim is totally off. Becky realized this because Red is usually the most accurate in shooting. Then there is this funny feeling in her crotch.

"Why aren't you killing those bastards?" Ginger complained to Red and Mira.

"My crotch feels funny," Red said.

Then suddenly, Ginger sees Mira putting her hand in her panties.

"This is not a good time to get horny," said Ginger.

"I can't help it," Mira said.

"Me too," added Red. She too has her hand inside her pants.

Then Becky puts her hand in her pants as well.

"What the hell is going on?" Ginger wondered.

Becky, Red, and Mira's fighting performance have dwindled significantly. They retreat to a large meeting room and hide behind the tables. Everyone except Ginger drops their weapons and fall to the floor with both their hands in their pants. Ginger watches on with utter confusion.

"Guys, there are two feds on our tail, and you're all on the floor masturbating?" Ginger complained.

"We're not masturbating, Gingerbrat," groaned Becky. "Listen closely!"
Ginger listens and realizes that the scratching noises are increasing in volume.

"Oh, great," said Ginger. "Now you've got bad case of pubic hair itch. Come on guys, let's blow stuff up and kill somebody!"

"This isn't an ordinary itch," groaned Mira. "The powder we fell in must be an highly allergenic mold agent that causes intense itching in the pubic area."

"Then I must be immune to that stuff. Whoo-hoo! Gingerbread Grrl has an advantage over you bitches! I rock!"

Suddenly, Ginger feels an itch. She can't pinpoint where but she anticipates that it will be on her crotch. Realizing where the itch is coming from, Ginger throws both her hands behind her and inside her pants.

"Oh fuck! My butt!" she screamed.

Ginger collapses to the ground violently scratching her butt that is still swollen after all the spanking Becky had done to her. Mira is unable to become wet at Ginger's phrase she is programmed to react to.

"Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why does have to be my butt!" cried Ginger. "What did my butt ever do to anyone?"

Finally, Dish and Spoon corner the girls have their guns drawn at them. Leaving one hand in their panties, Red and Mira grab their respective pistols and poke themselves above the table in order to face off against the two FBI agents.

"Put your weapons down!" Dish yelled.

"No way Mister Agent Man!" Red cried.

"It's over Red and Rebecca. We have you surrounded. Spoon, call the other agents over here."

Dish looks around. It seems that Spoon has disappeared.

"Spoon?" he asked.

He looks down and sees his partner on the floor with both hands intensely scratching his groin.

"What are you doing-oh God!" Dish cried.

Dish also falls to the floor and thrusts his hands into his pants. He too is affected by the crotch itching. At the moment, Red and Mira become sympathetic to their plight and decide not to shoot them. It is a strange sight in the room, because it almost looks like everyone is masturbating.

Becky and Ginger take advantage of the situation and run way while leaving one hand in their pants for scratching. Dish and Spoon try to stop them, but the girls merely end up running over them. Ginger can only give them one kick in the stomach as she leaves the meeting room.

As they run down the windowed halls, they hear gunfire. Becky and the girls look outside to see that some burly and handsome men in clad in tight leather are exchanging bullets with the CSIS agents while using their respective vehicles as shields. Unfortunately, the CSIS agents are shooting one-handed because they too are occupied with scratching the itch out of their crotches. They are seriously getting wasted.

"The Winnipeg gay mafia!" Mira exclaimed.

"It's them!" booms a voice.

The girls look down the hall and see John Henry and Paul Bunyan being escorted by four other burly leather-clad men armed with handguns. Under Henry's large hand is a silver briefcase, possibly containing the glass slipper fragment. Holstered on his back is a large sledgehammer that is not used for hammering inanimate objects.

"Well, well," started Bunyan. "It looks like Olde Wolfe-ears has been affected with our special itching agent."

"Ah, fuck you!" Becky cried. She pulls out one of her throwing knives and throws it towards Bunyan's face. Bunyan pulls out his battle axe holstered behind his back and uses it to deflect the knife.

"My, my, you're aim is quite off, eh?" continued Bunyan. "If you only had the special 'shampoo', maybe you'll stand a fighting chance against us. But we're busy right now. Once we initiate operation 'River Scratch', we'll bring this entire city to our knees!"

Bunyan whistles and his goons step in front of him and his lover Henry with their handguns drawn. Since they cannot fight effectively whilst scratching their groin, Becky and the girls avoid the shooting and retreat to another hall. They run and run until Ginger spots a control room full of computers.

"Let's hide in here!" Ginger cried.

The girls complied and fled to the room along with Ginger. Almost immediately they barricade the door with chairs and tables so Bunyan and Henry's goons cannot get in at least for now.

Then they discover that they are not alone in the room. Pointing their guns at them are Dish and Spoon, who have one hand on their crotches just like the girls.

"Don't you move!" ordered Dish.

In one swift slash, Becky swings her sword and cuts Dish and Spoon's guns in half. Dish and Spoon drops the remains of their weapons and back away to the computer consoles.

"Damn. I was trying to cut their hands off," Becky said.

"All right Red and Mira," Ginger said. "Now shoot them dead!"

"I'm out of bullets," Red said.

"I only have tranquilizer darts Ginger dear," Mira noted.

"Then what good are you!" cried Ginger. "Oh fuck! My butt!"

Ginger's itching intensifies, and she falls to the ground scratching her ass to no end (no pun intended).

"Wait a minute, girls," pleaded Spoon. "Perhaps we can work something out."

"Like hell we are!" yelled Becky.

"We'll let you go for now if you find a cure for this crotch-itching."

"Spoon!" cried Dish.

"Dish, we're essentially at their mercy here."

"I'd rather die than make any dealings with these killer lesbos over here."

"It's tribades Mister Agent Man," Red said.

"Whatever. But anyway, Fork and my father would kill me if they find out."

"There you go again, mentioning your father and all," Spoon butted in.

"What are you talking about? This is about honor..."

Dish and Spoon continue to argue like husband and wife.

"Ginger, can you hack the computers over there to see if there is any data on the antidote?" Becky asked.

"I would, but I'm kinda busy scratching the hell out of my ass, and I need both of my hands," Ginger said. "Someone needs to scratch my ass while I'm hacking."

"I'll scratch your ass," Mira volunteered with and eager smile.

Ginger gets back onto her feet and hacks into the computers while Mira stands behind her scratching her butt with her free hand. After breaking through the password-protected files, Ginger opens up the latest memo and discovers something foreboding.

"Oh-my-Goddess," she uttered.

"What is it?" Becky asked.

"It seems that Bunyan and Henry are going to poison the river and the water system with that white itchy powder stuff we all have been affected with. With everyone afflicted with crotch itch, they're going to set up a couple of stalls and storefronts and sell the antidote shampoo at a very high price. This must be the most diabolical plan I have ever seen! It is a true masterpiece!"

"Then we have to do something to save the city!" Spoon cried.

"Hell no! I would like to see the madness caused by the crotch itching! I sure do wish I brought my digital camcorder to record the whole thing."

"Are you some kind of sadist or something?" Dish asked.

"I take pleasure in watching people suffer in silly ways," Ginger smiled. "Hmm, I should make a t-shirt for that phrase."

"So where is the shampoos?" Becky asked.

"It looks like they shipped out all the bottles already. I mean all of them."

"Is there a lab located around here?" Mira asked.

"Just below us."

"Good, then maybe I can synthesize some just for us."

"And what about the fragment?" Red asked.

"Judging from the surveillance videos, it seems that Bunyan and Henry had already made off with it. They are boarding a large pickup truck as we speak."

"Then Red and I will go after them," Becky announced.

"But the itching!" Mira cried. "If you don't treat it right now, you could die due to intense stress and bleeding!"

"Is it possible that you can dilute the tranquilizer darts so that it will stop the feeling in our crotches?"

"Yes, but it will only work for a short while."

"Do that. Then we'll bust out of here."

"I'll come along with you," Spoon said.

"Spoon, what are you?" gasped Dish.

"We don't need your help," said Becky.

"I know, but I have a score to settle against Bunyan and Henry. They killed a close friend of mine through crotch itching. I may not have much skills compared to you, but I will help you in nabbing that glass slipper fragment."

"A glass slipper fragment," Dish said to himself. "That's sounds familiar."

"Dish, you'll stay behind to protect them, right?"

"If it'll stop this damned itching, then I will."

"Don't you need guns or something?" Ginger asked.

"I got that covered," Red winked.

Outside the control room, the burly leather-clad goons attempt to break down the door. Little do they know that right above them Red is crawling in the ventilation shafts ready to strike. She dives from the ventilation shaft and immediately knocks them out with in four punches. She along with Becky and Spoon already have been injected with Mira's diluted tranquilizers, which looked weird since they had to stab the needle just above their pubic area. For them, the itching has waned down, but there is still small tingle every once and a while. Unfortunately, it also has a side effect of lowering their libido down to zero. Thus they won't be able to enjoy sex or masturbate for a couple of hours.

Becky and the others clear out of the barricade and exit the control room. Spoon and Red grab the guns off the unconscious goons and soon follow Becky downstairs to where they parked the Gremlin.

Dish, Ginger, and Mira head downstairs down to the lab and immediately begin to prepare the antidote in the form of pubic shampoo. Ginger quickly hacks into the building's network so she can obtain and print out the formula Mira needed to synthesize the shampoo. Since Mira needs both hands to work, she politely asked Ginger to scratch her groin.

"Mm, that's good Ginger," she moaned. "A little lower."

"Did you say something?" Ginger asked. Mira turned her head and sees that Ginger as at the far corner of the laboratory working on her laptop computer with her feet since her hands are busy scratching her butt. Then who is scratching Mira's crotch?

"Um, don't take this personally," Dish said. "Ginger told me to take over."

Realizing that it was not just Dish, but a man who is scratching her privates, Mira screams out loud and then punches Dish right into his face. Angry, Mira starts pummeling Dish's itchy crotch with her foot.

"Stop!" Dish screamed. "You're making it worse!"

Mira strikes Dish hard into his stomach and renders him unconscious. For him, the itch has subsided.

Ginger laughed out loud at the entire spectacle. Mira is somewhat angry at Ginger, but she decides to withhold any hurtful words to the girl of her dreams. She then quickly dilutes another tranquilizer and injects it just above her crotch. She continues working on the formula.

Meanwhile, Becky, Red, and Spoon make it outside, but the Gremlin is gone. They look over to see a big-rig truck getting ready to leave with its large trailer. Bunyan and Henry head over to a blue crew cab Dodge Ram pickup truck with nicknamed "Babe" on its hood and side doors while being escorted by eight of their muscular goons.

"Bunyan!" screamed Spoon. "Henry!"

Bunyan and Henry turn their faces towards the handsome FBI agent. Their eyes widen for not only Becky and Red have caught up with them, but also because they recognized and knew Spoon from long ago.

"I'll take care of them," Henry announced.

"I'll wait for you, love," said Bunyan.

Bunyan and Henry give each other a hard and loving man-to-man kiss. Henry hands the silver suitcase over to Bunyan, who then heads into Babe the blue truck alone with the driver. After starting the car, he leaves the factory complex as he follows the big rig truck.

"I'll take care of the big hammer guy," Becky said.

"Be careful Miss Wolfe," said Spoon. "John Henry is surprisingly fast with his hammer. One light blow can crush your bones."

"Then I'll just have to be faster," smiled Becky.

Henry draws out his large and intimidating sledgehammer. He along with his men immediately charge. Red and Spoon held back the goons while Becky sprints towards Henry. Henry lifts up his hammer and slams to the ground just as Becky avoids. The asphalt ground shatters for about twenty feet.

"I've got you!" Becky screamed as she lunges in with her Shinseiki.

Henry quickly lifts up his hammer and narrowly deflects Becky's sword. He then smiles and laughs at the futility of her efforts.

"Little Wolfe!" he gloated. "Don't you know who I am? I am John Henry! I drive people like you six feet under!"

Henry swings his hammer and knocks Becky's sword off her hands. The impact sends the blade flying all the way to the factory and crashes through one of its windows.

"Damn," said the Becky.

Henry laughs as he starts to hammer away at Becky. One by one, Becky throws all of her throwing knifes at him. Henry manages to deflect most of them, though some hit parts of his chest. Though he is bleeding, he continues his attacks as if nothing has happened to him.

Becky tries to punch him, kick him, and even hit him right at the crotch. Henry's tolerance for pain is great, and gloats once more over Becky's futility. Becky realizes her only hope lies in the Shinseiki sword that flew many meters to the factory.

She makes a run for it. This angers Henry and he gives chase. She finally makes to the factory where the shampoo is bottled. Henry breaks open the door with his hammer swinging. As she attempts to find her sword, she dodges blow after blow of Henry's hammer. Each of his swing shatters and breaks the factory machines as well as metal columns. Becky could sense that the entire might give way if she doesn't do something to stop him.

"My family has a great history of steel-driving on the great American railroads!" Henry boasted. "I am the strongest of them all! You'll never defeat me!"

Becky spots her sword hanging off the catwalk. She leaps from the ground and climbs the shampoo dispenser mechanism and grabs it. She dives down and slashes at Henry, who then blocks it with his mighty hammer. Becky jumps back defensively and tries to think of a way to defeat this tall black man.

"Your puny sword cannot match the strength of my hammer!" Henry boasted.

"Perhaps," Becky sneered. Suddenly, she yells: "Secret Technique Lunar Crescent Cutter!"

With one swing from her sword, Becky sends an aerial cutting wave towards Henry. Henry ducks and dodges it with ease.

"Is that the best you can do?" he cried.

Becky smiled. Suddenly, the entire factory building starts to rumble. Henry looks and around and finds that she has cut a metal pillar that is maintaining the stability of the building. As the factory collapses all around him, Henry tries to deflect the debris to no avail. Becky narrowly escapes by cutting a hole in the wall.

Becky rises back to her feet and dusts herself. There is a slight itching tingle in her crotch, but she pulls her hand away from it and resists the urge to scratch. She almost wished she had a cigarette for her success.

The factory rubble starts rumble. In one loud cry, a bloodied Henry furiously bursts from the rubble. He picks up his sledgehammer and starts to crawl his way to Becky.

"Bitch!" he yelled. "I'll get you!"

A bullet strikes Henry's dominant right hand. He drops his hammer. Another bullet strikes his leg. Henry collapses. The bullets came from a stern-faced Spoon, who is also tempted to scratch his numb crotch. He and Red join up with Becky.

"You could have used a gun," Spoon said to Becky.

"But where's the fun in that?" whined Becky.

"We'll let the CSIS agents take care of him. We have to stop Bunyan and his dreaded operation 'River Scratch'."

"More importantly, I have to get that glass slipper fragment."

"Don't you girls care about what happens to the city?"

"That fragment is first priority! If I collect them all, my lover will stop calling me 'Grandma'!"

"That's right," Red said. "Grandma doesn't like me screaming her name during sex."

Spoon suddenly became disgusted by the thought of that. Red looks childish, cute, and innocent, and Becky looks tall, grungy, and she might be old. Did he see a case of lesbian pedophilia?

"How old are you?" he asked her.

"I'm twenty-one you stupid fag!" Becky snapped.

"I was just asking, jeez."

Red pulls on Becky and Spoon's shirts and directs their attention to the advancing army of leather-clad men with their guns drawn. As the three prepare to take them on, a Gremlin appears out of nowhere and starts running the goons over and giving them a comedic chase.

"That's our Gremlin," Red said.

"But who's driving it?" asked Becky.

The Gremlin runs over the last goon and starts plowing towards Becky, Red, and Spoon. They start to panic, and the stress caused by the panic start revives the itching on their crotches. To scratch or to flee--they do not know what to do now.

The Gremlin dramatically screeches into a halt with the driver's side facing them. Becky and the other two lift the heads to see and become shocked at who is driving the car.

"Bark!" said HLS.

"HLS!" cried Becky. "Why the hell didn't you tell me you knew how to drive? I could have had a foursome with Red, Mira, and Ginger in the backseat of the Neon on our way to Winnipeg."

"What is with you girls?" grumbled Spoon.

"Grrrr," growls HLS.

"Don't sass back at me!" Becky yelled. "You know what happens to girls who talk smack to me right?"

"Bark, bark!"

"Hmm, you're right. It would look funny if I spanked you. Now let me drive."

"Your dog's name is HLS..." said Spoon.

"Uh-huh," said Red. "She wears a double-dildo!"

"Uh, yeah..."

Becky and Red get into the front seats while Spoon crawls to the back seat along with HLS. Lo and behold he discovers HLS's double-dildo strap protruding out of her duffle bag full of dog snacks and a dog grooming kit. Of course, he thought it is for the girls, but he has his doubts since it is proportionally small in regards to the human body. He thinks that it might be meant for Red Little.

With Becky as the driver, the Gremlin with its surprising agility and speed screams into the forest highway and zeroes onto Babe the blue pickup. The itch on her crotch is coming back, but she has push on to get the glass slipper fragment at all costs.

"You there," Becky said to Spoon.

"Spoon," said he.

"Whatever. Take the wheel. I'm gonna get on that truck and get the fragment. You and Red cover me."

"Do you mind if I use this car to stop the big-rig?"


"I see. But you know, if Red, HLS, and I can stop it, Bunyan's blue truck will also be forced to stop. There's no way Bunyan can escape this forest."

"Fine, whatever. If you get killed in the process, it's your fault."

Becky clambers on top of the Gremlin's roof as Spoon takes the wheel. Spoon pushes the accelerator so that the Gremlin can line up with the pickup's truck bed. Right after Becky jumped in there, she stabs the back and barely misses Bunyan's head.

"Damn that Becky," cursed Bunyan. He then takes his battle axe and slices through the roof the truck. He emerges through the torn up truck roof while the driver cautiously keeps his eyes on the road.

"Give the glass slipper fragment!" Becky yelled.

"I need that as insurance in case operation River Scratch fails," said Bunyan. "And now... this is for what you did to my precious Babe!"

Bunyan lunges forward with his axe, and Becky blocks it with his sword. Both nearly lose their balance, but they immediately regain them and resume their duel.

Meanwhile, Spoon speeds the Gremlin down the left lane and tries to catch up with the towing engine that is towing the large trailer containing the white itching powder.

"Okay girls," said Spoon. "Here's the plan..."

When he turned his head, Red and HLS are gone. Suddenly, a muscle man in leather and a bleeding crotch flies out of the towing engine. Spoon accelerates faster and finds that Red has already commandeered the big-rig with the help of HLS's crotch-biting attack. However, there is the problem of the girl's inept driving abilities. Thus, Red loses control and spins the big-rig ninety degrees. Spoon speeds up to avoid the impact as the big-rig knocks down tree after tree before it starts slowing down.

The driver of Babe the blue truck swerves in to the forest to avoid the crashing big-rig. Becky and Bunyan continue their duel, and their lightning fast slashes cuts down the mightiest trees in the forest.

The itch comes back to Becky's crotch. She drives one of her hands into her pants and continues her duel. Fighting one-handed whilst scratching her pubic area is diverting her battle concentration.

"It's the end for you Olde Wolfe-Ears!" cried Bunyan as he lifts his axe high up for the final blow.

"I so fucking hate it when people call me Olde Wolfe-Ears!" yelled Becky. "I'm twenty-one!"

Becky pulls out of her pocket a plastic bag full of white powder and smashes it against Bunyan's crotch. She then jumps out of truck just as it crashes into a creek. The driver is immediately killed, and Bunyan is thrown out and lands head first into the creek. He tries to wipe the white powder off, but he cannot remove its effects in time. He lays down with both his hands in his crotch and scratches away.

Becky climbs down towards the creek and immediately gives two swift kicks into Bunyan's stomach Ginger-style. Then she takes his sword and prepares to lob off his head with her Shinseiki.

"Rebecca Wolfe! Wait!" cried a voice.

Spoon dashes down into the forest points his gun at Becky.

"Leave him be," Spoon commanded. "I'll take care custody of his man."

Becky sighs and sheathes her sword. Spoon follows suit and lowers his weapon.

"Very well," she said. "I'm breaking my first rule, but at least I won't break the second."

Becky reaches over into the back seat of the blue truck and grabs the silver suitcase. She opens it up and discovers a small jewel box. Inside the jewel box surrounded by lavender lining is a shard of the glass slipper shining under the moonlight.

After Becky left, Spoon walks over and looks down at the broken Paul Bunyan.

"Cheesy," gasped Bunyan.

"Hello Paul," said Spoon.

Spoon gives him a kick in the stomach. "This is for Georgie Porgie," he said. Then he gives him another. "This is for the time you and Henry gang-raped me."

Justice has been served, and Spoon leaves Bunyan on the ground scratching and scratching until the CSIS agents arrived.

Mira had finally synthesized the shampoo, and Becky and the others can finally rid themselves the crotch itching. Becky and the girls took a shower together in the office building. She took advantage of their apparent nudity and had threesome while Ginger and HLS watched. Dish and Spoon had to remain outside and suffer an hour so before they were done. If they dared peeked, they would certainly be killed. None of them wanted to see the girls naked anyway.
Mira groaned beforehand at the threesome, but while she was engaging in it, her eyes constantly wandered off to Ginger's slim, sexy, and soapy body.
Afterwards, Dish and Spoon took their showers. It was uneventful.

Before they left, Dish warned Becky and her gang that he will not hesitate in arresting them if he and Spoon ever saw them again. Red asked if they were gay, but Dish and Spoon dodged the subject and storm off in embarrassment. None of them said anything to each other about Red's childish observation.

As usual, Ginger steals the wallets from Bunyan and Henry's goons along with other key prizes.

Becky and her gang had disappeared without a trace from Winnipeg, and the last two agents that last saw them claim that they ran away from them after they escaped the warehouse containing the itching powder.

Bunyan and Henry confessed to the plot to "poison" the river and the water system with that powder, though the Canadian authorities felt bemused by their strange plan to make quick cash by selling pubic shampoo. Of course, the Bunyan and Henry never said a word about a glass slipper fragment. And for some reason, the formula the shampoo antidote disappeared all together from their computer hard drives.

The big-rig truck that crashed in the highway that went through the forest had spilled the white powder. Thus a HAZMAT team was called in to clean up. After they did so, they discovered laying on forest floor numerous dead squirrels, mice, rats, cockroaches, and a moose. Apparently, they died from intense itching on their crotches, thus causing the Canadian government to consider using the white powder as a means of total pest control. Later, a special U.S. government agent dropped by to coax the Canadians to burn all their data regarding the white itching powder and the shampoo antidote. Of course, the agent took some samples in the hopes of using it as the perfect biological weapon.

Since then, no one can confirm or deny the existence of that powder, which is codenamed "P-Scratcher."

At least, no government official cannot confirm or deny the existence of P-Scratcher.

A strange incident occurred at a small river town next to Nashville. After some teenagers reportedly blew up a rusting Gremlin with fireworks, grenades and whatnot, and then pushed its remains into the river, all of the citizens suddenly became afflicted with an uncontrollable itch on their crotches. They tried everything to alleviate it, from washing with shampoo, to folk remedies such as rubbing snake oil or snake feces on the affected area.

Then word of mouth spread about a general store sells a special shampoo designed to treat crotch itching. However, each bottle was expensive, but people were desperate, since no was able to have sex or masturbate in days. Once more, Red's General Store became hit of the town since it was the only store that sold the shampoo for some reason.

Nothing about the girls who ran the general store struck the townspeople odd as they gleefully sold them overpriced pubic shampoo. Apparently, they didn't seem to be affected by this crotch itch epidemic.

There are rumors spreading all over the internet that an elite female hacker was responsible for spreading the crotch itch epidemic, yet no one took notice, not even the government. Some think that she was the one who "discovered" the existence of the shampoo being sold at Red's and then told everyone about it. Ginger became angry for not being recognized for her criminal achievements, so she decided to blow up the Ferrari she and Red bought for Becky.

Becky was not amused.

At the end of the day, Ginger's ass got spanked with quasi-righteous hand of Becky Wolfe. Mira watched on and stealth-masturbated. HLS did six dogs using her usual strap on, and Red somehow managed to dip her broom handle into a hornet's nest.


[i] CSIS - Canadian Security Intelligence Service

Chapter 11

Title: The Auction of Madness

Chapter 11: The Auction of Madness

The Ellas have been there watching and observing. They have seen Becky and her gang mop up the entirety of Redbreast's Clockwork Purples in London. They were there when she and the two seemingly gay FBI agents join forces to thwart Bunyan and Henry's operation River Scratch in Winnipeg, Manitoba. They were there because they were ordered to.

Driving in their dark gray Mercedes Benz M-Class SUV, Celeste, Cecilia, and Charlotte return from Canada to visit one of Darry Güse's upscale mansions in upstate New York. The mansion isn't much of mansion, but it is more like small but foreboding castle. It is protected by high walls complete with electrocuted railings, security cameras, and the occasional machine gun turret. Inside is a gorgeous courtyard filled with marble statues of beautiful and sometimes revealing women on pedestals, pine trees, and white rose bushes. Patrolling the courtyard are many dark-clad and armed female sharpshooters, almost all of which are beautiful and have strong homosexual or bisexual tendencies towards each other. Close to the front entrance of the castle-mansion is a fountain. Standing on a pedestal in the center of the fountain is a beautiful marble statue of what seems to be the poet Sappho reportedly salvaged from the bottom of the Aegean Sea.

Celeste and her daughters are let into the castle-mansion and are led upstairs and down the halls. As they followed the middle-aged yet pretty female butler, they pass by a long photo and art gallery of female-to-female sex positions. The most interesting section is that of tribadism, which aroused Charlotte greatly due to her sexual liaisons with her female targets. Basically, the tribadism section of the gallery highlights all the possible positions taken at many angles to which two women can fully experience the ultimate sexual intimacy towards one other by rubbing their vaginas against one another for clitoral stimulation. The head-shaved Celeste wasn't interested because she sworn celibacy as part of the Shaolin martial arts training, and Cecilia is too damn busy sniffing a liquefied form of cocaine through a nasal spray.

They stop before a wooden double door. The female butler knocks.

"What is it?" yelled Güse from behind the doors.

"The Ella family have arrived, ma'am," the butler replied.

"Let them in."

The butler shows the Ellas into an elegant large office filled two rare statues of Sappho, two never-before-seen portraits of the poet, and one lovely bust of her sitting behind Güse's desk. Güse has just been playing a Japanese computer game on her Sony laptop called Sapphism no Gensou - The Case of the H-B Polarstar while fingering herself. She saves the game after steamy scene between the main (female) character who is dubbed "the prince of lesbians" and a blonde Swedish girl and then closes her laptop. Güse zips up her pants and turns her crimson leather desk chair so that she can face her three best assassins.

"Ma'am," started Celeste. "It is as you predicted. Miss Wolfe and her gang have already two glass slipper fragments."

"Why the fuck can't do anything to them?" complained Cecilia. "We could have taken the glass slipper fragments ourselves! We have the list of all the locations from our mole!"

"That is because I want them to do all the dirty work," said Darryl. "Why should I send out the best assassins of the Aphrodite Evolution to do a retrieval mission? Besides, I want to see how Olde Wolfe Ears is holding up. Of course, if they die while getting the fragments, then oh well. We'll just have to take over.

"Or is it that you want to get back at your stepsister, Cindi Ella?"

"Of course I do!" cried Cecilia. "Especially after what she did to me!"

"If I recall, it was partly your fault that you have a bullet in your head from Cindi's gun," Charlotte said. "To think you can deflect a bullet with a mere turn of your skull."

"If we didn't adopt her, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in!"

"I beginning to think that your insanity is inherited from father, God bless his soul. Then again, you were something of a drug addict back then."

"I smoked pot when I was ten."

"Shall we continue our reconnaissance on Miss Wolfe and her gang Miss Güse?" asked Celeste.

"Of course," said Darryl. "It will be a while until my glass slipper fragments are assembled. Then there is also the decoding part which will also take a while."

"Would there be any chance for us to interfere?"

"Use your best judgment, Celeste."

"Good, 'cause I wanna get back at stupid Cindi as soon as possible!" cried Cecilia.

Besides Seattle, Las Vegas is another place Becky and her gang marked on their list of places they should move to when they retire. For them, it is essentially paradise. Becky can drink to her hearts content to the many exquisite bars and micro-breweries. Red would be able to visit the city's many theme parks and attend concerts of her favorite teeny-boppers. HLS fulfills can fulfill her dream of shagging the show dogs as well as the female winners of the Westmister Dog Show that is about to be held at the Thomas & Mack Stadium in 2006. Ginger sees the tourist mecca as her own cheater's paradise. She could not decide what to do: cheat the tourists, cheat the casinos, cheat the state treasury; the possibilities are endless for her. Mira was a little adverse in retiring in the city because of her Islamic believes against drinking and gambling. However, any place where she can be with Ginger is paradise, be it the state of Alabama or New Jersey.

Their journey for the glass slipper fragment sends them to Vegas in a gold Saturn sedan, which Becky and Ginger decide to refer to as the "Shitcar". Becky and the gang did not have enough time to have fun since they are here for business. Because of this, Ginger and Red complained and complained like little children as they rode down the freeway that lines up with "The Strip", a street otherwise known as Las Vegas Boulevard where all of the major casinos are located at.

"Sis, I wanna go to DEF CON[i[!" whined Ginger.

"I wanna go to the Spice Girls concert!" whined Red.


"Spice Girls!"


"Spice Girls!"

Red and Ginger start wrestling each other in the backseat. They hardly ever fight, and when they do, it often looks cute and funny--especially to a yearning Mira. Often times, HLS gets in the middle of the squabbling end ends up yelping in pain to the two teenagers. Even though Red has the ability to kick Ginger's ass (and then some), she never does, and often lets Ginger have the upper hand. During their fights against each other, Ginger invented two moves specifically disable Red incase she says something stupid and gross out of the blue. They include the "Ginger Chop" and "Ginger Kick", which she would yell as they do in Japanese anime.

"You two be quiet or no sex tonight!" Becky yelled.

"Grandma!" whined Ginger.

"Like I want to have sex with your fat ass," Ginger muttered.

After hearing Ginger's insulting remarks, Becky pulls over to the side of the road and spanks her in broad daylight. Though they are not blocking traffic, the entire freeway comes to near standstill due to the numerous gawkers from both out-of-state and in-state. If you have been reading this strange series, you probably know what else happens whenever Becky spanks Ginger. Congratulations for keeping up! (But I digress...)

After getting back into the Shitcar, Ginger rubs her butt to comfortable levels and decide to start eating her boxes of prunes. She has been doing so ever since she discovered that Becky's third rule of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology is her also her sole weakness. Red's is now the number one customer of the top prune companies due to Ginger's massive orders.

"One of these days, Sis, I'm gonna take off my clothes and erotically shit right in front of your eyes!" Ginger had declared.

"Whatever," said Becky.

"I'm serious! I'm gonna exploit your weakness of scat!"

Ginger could not wait for that day. Neither can Mira, although she does not favor scat like Becky, at least she can see her beloved Ginger in the nude. Red can't wait for the day she'll be able to meet Britney Spears backstage in one of her concerts.

Anyway, Ginger's tactic to piss Becky off always backfires. Usually, she would become constipated in the nude in front of Becky (much to the enjoyment of Mira). At other times, she would simply throw up all the prunes she ate--in the nude (also to the slight and strange enjoyment of Mira). At many times, she would go the toilet whenever she has to defecate and then afterward curses whenever she runs into Becky, for Ginger often forgets that she has to defecate in front of her.

They check in separately to the Stratosphere Hotel and Casino, which is marked by the famous Las Vegas landmark, the Stratosphere Tower. Since she isn't eighteen years old yet, Red had to use a fake I.D. supplied by Ginger. They then meet up in Becky's room to review their plans to retrieve the glass slipper fragment being offered in one of the neighborhood casinos.

"I'm sure you have secured our funds, Ginger," said Becky.

"Of course I have!" said Ginger as she and Red bounced noisily on the bed with HLS.

"And the invites?"

"Way ahead of you!"

"Good. The operation begins tomorrow morning. Make sure you get enough sleep. Any questions?"

"Grandma, can we have sex?" Red asked.

"Ginger, did you bring your digital camcorder?"

"Red and I threw it off the top of the Stratosphere Tower," said Ginger. "'Cause you know, we like throwing things off high places."

"Then go steal us another one."

"I'll come back with two this time!"

And so, Becky, Red, and Mira had a threesome while HLS watched and Ginger taped the scene with the three JVC palm-sized digital camcorders she stole from some Asian tourists along with their digital still cameras.

Unfortunately, everyone did not get enough sleep. They were almost late to initiate the operation and Becky crashed the Shitcar.

In gambling state such as Nevada, there is more than one type of casino. There are casino resorts designed primarily for out-of-state and foreign tourists. Most of those are located on the Strip and are easily accessible from the highway running into the city.

Another type is that of the neighborhood casino, which are build far and away from where all the action is. Situation next to the suburbs, the neighborhood casinos tailor to local patrons through not just gambling, but also other amenities such as bowling alleys, movie theaters, and incentives such as gambling rewards. Yet the strangest thing is that all of them have hotels within them. Why would there be hotels located in the middle of residential areas? Perhaps it is for guests who are visiting the nearby business districts or family members. More than likely, it is for cheating spouses, one-night stands, and lonely spouses who suspect that their partners are cheating on them.

No one is quite sure where to categorize the Castaways hotel and casino. It is originally intended to be part of the Strip, but as the city grew in the late 1980s and the 1990s, the Strip moved further southward towards the airport instead of eastward. Castaways is now labeled as a neighborhood casino, but it is doing poorly because it is located near a low class residential area. It is said that they will not survive for long.

However, it does serve special purposes, though most of them are illegal. Besides DEF CON and the Spice Girls concert, there is another event being held in the Castaways banquet halls. On the outside, it is called the Rare Item Convention, but in actuality is called the Contraband Gathering, and it is by invite only. Various people from all walks of life are gathered here, such as drug lords, drug czars, the wealthy elite, 1337 haxors, snuff video directors, master thieves, government insiders, and many others teetering on the brink of law breaking through buying and selling of stolen and possibly illegal goods--some of which are rare and sought after. Some of which include live and exotic animals, live people, dead people, ancient weapons, and stolen art.

For the convention goers, there are usually certain underworld celebrities that often visit these gatherings, yet for some reason they cannot attend. Some examples include Lich and Wiss, for they sell and serve Ginger Ale made out of urine; Robin Redbreast, who often models topless to well-known photographer; Paul Bunyan, who often shops around for rare battle axes with his lover, John Henry; Old woman Schumacher, who will be sorely missed since she is the master director of Down Syndrome pornography videos; and Darryl Güse, because she is busy at the moment.

Then there are some old faces that are able to make it. There is the oil baron William "Bill" Pecos and his torture-loving dominatrix mistress (or was it his wife?) "Slue-Foot" Susan Sue coming from their ranch outside Arlen, Texas. The German-Slavic record agent Rampion Nuzel is here, along with the Beatles-tribute band The Hair and top producer of the Beane-Stark media corporation Jerry Beane himself. Visiting from Japan is the head of the Ringo Yakuza Leiko Kurosa with her lapdog the half-American Meyer Osamu. Making a surprise appearance is the world-renowned artist Gene Duo Biggs, Kitty Muffet, and a woman who claims to be Gene's sister. Also making a surprise yet rare appearance is Altena of Soldats, who is escorted by the knife-wielding Chloe.

Gene passes by a booth selling stolen and/or indistinguishable copies of art and photographs. It is obvious to her sister Jean that most of the goods are of Gene's work, yet the artist herself did not seem to notice. To Gene, her own art is completely unrecognizable to her own eyes.

"This is so great!" Gene remarked. "I wonder who the artist is?"

"I do," said Jean. "It's you."

"It is? That cannot be. I cannot paint or shoot pictures as good as him or her."

"I think I'm adopted," Jean laments.

"Jean darling, it's obvious you're relying on your sister's success," said Kitty.

"Thanks for pointing that out, Brit. Shania doesn't know I exist, and Gene doesn't know if she exists."

"Do I exist?" Gene asked. "I sometime ask myself that many times."

"See what I mean?"

"Anyway, I would like to buy these pictures."

"Why the hell do you want to buy your own stolen artwork?"

"These are my artwork?"

"Gene, we're here for Becky's sake, remember?" said Kitty.

"Oh! I thought we were here to buy art."

Jean groans and leads her sister away from the booth selling her own stolen art. Then again, there is a great possibility that they are copies.

As the three make their way across the convention floor, Kitty is suddenly surrounded by screaming fangirls and older women who have heard of her name and reputation. All of them begged her to perform Holistic Cunnilingus on them.

"Sorry chaps," said Kitty. "It looks like you'll have to win that item without my help."

"Good luck Miss Muffet," said Gene.


"Dear God, what am I doing here?" Jean said to herself.

With the collaboration of the convention organizers, Kitty leads droves of women and girls to an empty room. After the room filled up, the doors are locked, and guards are posted to in front to keep anyone out. A sign have been posted that reads, "NO MEN ALLOWED DURING THE SESSION!" Eager and horny men stood outside wondering what is going on with their wives, mistresses, and girlfriends in the barred room.

Jean is having trouble leading the often spaced-out Gene around the convention. That is because Gene is constantly distracted by the many wares peddled by many shady vendors. Her interests range from exotic aphrodisiacs and sex toys designed for pets.

Jean finally leads her dazed sister to the entrance of the auction room, where many of the famous underworld types are currently gathering. Jean is a bit nervous to sit next to such dangerous people, and deathly afraid of winning the item Becky ordered them to win. Jean almost wished that Kitty or even Becky was here to protect her some way, but the wolf-eared assassin and her gang could not come due to unfortunate circumstances. Obviously, Jean isn't using her own money. She is using her sister's offshore accounts for the auction.

"Why do I have to do this?" Jean said to herself. "How did I get dragged into this?"

"Didn't you want to see Becky and get revenge on her?" Gene asked.

"She isn't here!"

"I suppose you came just so me and Shania can buy your house."

"I don't need your guys' sympathy!"

"Or is it that you give in easily to Becky's demands? Poor Jean-chan is total denial."

"Will you shut up!"

Jean swings her arms to box Gene's ears and inadvertently hits someone. The blow was not hard, but it is enough for the person to call attention to neurotic and fine-looking young black woman.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Jean apologized. When she looked up into her eyes, she found that she is very handsome.

"No trouble, ma'am," said the tall Spanish-Texan woman. She is dressed in a dark suit and has a black cowboy hat covering her head. There are two earrings on the left side of her ear. She seems very friendly.

Jean stood there unable to take her eyes off this woman. She is completely enamored by her semi-rugged looks. Sure, she might be a butch lesbian (tribade), but she can't help thinking that she reminds her of a certain someone.

"Are you ladies here for the auction?" she asked the Biggs.

Jean nods in her nervousness, while Gene fixes her eyes at a man who got his head stuck in the anus of an Indian elephant as part of a thousand-dollar dare.

"The name's Lupe Lobo," winked the Spanish-Texan woman. "I hope we meet a again someday."

Lupe Lobo makes her way to her seat in the auction room.

"Little sister," Gene said to Jean. "Is something wrong?"

"I think I met the man of my dreams," said Jean.

"She's a woman, Jean-chan. I told you were in denial."

"Aw, stop it!" blushed Jean.

"So does that mean you got over Becky?"

"I was never into Becky damnit!"

Before Jean could box her sister's ears, a loud commotion heads their way in the form of femininely handsome blind teenage boy dressed in a gray suit and dark sunglasses. Towing him is a black female Doberman pincher with an unusual fleshy ornament hanging off her collar.

"Outta my way!" screamed the boy, named Bakur Gingembre. He swings his white walking stick wildly hitting anyone and anything. He knocked down and broke many precious vases before he made it to where Jean and Gene are standing at.

"I'm rich! I'm blind!" Gingembre screamed. "So make way!"

Jean stares at this loud blind teenager boy. Then suddenly, the boy starts to poke Jean incessantly.

"What are ya starin' at?" yelled Gingembre.

"I wasn't staring at you!" cried Jean.

"I know you are, bitch. I can tell because you smell like vagina juice!"

"What? How dare you!"

The blind boy's dog tugs him forward into the auction room before Jean could slap him.

"The rudeness of these people," muttered Jean.

"Don't you think that dog looks familiar?" Gene asked.

"Why do you care?"

That is because something in Gene's convoluted and maze-like mind finally ticked. She was reminded of a special guard dog on her elder sister Shania's estate she liked to call Huckleberry. Then there is the strange fleshy ornament that looks like a prosthetic nose of a has-been rapper hanging off the dog's collar. That reminded Gene of a certain song:

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on[ii]

"Near... far... WHEREVER you are!" Gene sang out loud.

Jean saves her sister from further embarrassment by covering her mouth and shoving her into the auction room.

The two of them sit towards the back close to the entrance in case they have to escape from the angry auction losers. Lupe Lobo sits close to the front, and the blind Gingembre and his dog sit at the second row. As he waited for the start of the auctions, Gingembre kept on poking an Irish businessman in front of him with a stick. The Irishman almost started a fight to Gingembre, but his dog growled and threatened to back off from her owner. A well-dressed and veiled Arabian princess and businesswoman named Amir Amar sits right behind the boy. Also attending the auction are Pecos and Sue, Jerry Beane, and Leiko Kurosa and her lapdog. Sitting right next to Jean and Gene is a red-haired girl dressed in a cute pink dress and holding a pink parasol which she hypnotically spins on every occasion.

"Hello there, ladies," greeted the little girl. "My name is Lolita Hunter."

"Hello Lil' Lolita," Gene greeted.

"Hey there," said Jean. "I'm surprised you're allowed to come to this God-awful place."

"Grandma gets jealous whenever she sees two women having sex with each other," said Lolita.

That tone of the voice and the randomness of the little girl's words rang familiar to Jean.

"You don't say?" said Gene. "My grandma also gets jealous when she sees two women having sex with each other."

"Grandma's dead, and we don't know anything about her!" growled Jean.

"She could be a closet tribade as far as we know."

"She's not!"

"You're in denial."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Sometimes, Grandma joins up with me and my girlfriend in a thirteensome," said Lolita.

"Talk to the hand, kid."

"Hello Mrs. Hand."

"Goddamnit. I hope this auction gets over with quick."

Ushers pass out to everyone the program listing the rules of the auction and the items that are put up. Jean reads a copy of hers and becomes both disgusted and perturbed at the eclectic list:

* Erotic Stations of the Cross (Complete Set)
* Solid Platinum Condom
* Adolf Hitler's Tuft of Pubic Hair
* Van Gogh's Left Testicle
* Hilary Clinton's Silver Vibrator
* Reverse Blade Sword of Kenshin Himura
* Stuffed Lassie
* Lobotomized Piece of Gov. George W. Bush's Brain
* Jar of P-Scratcher
* Toenail of Prophet Mohammed
* Jack's Left Foot
* Feces of Jesus
* Michael Jackson's Original Face
* Greek-coded Glass Slipper Fragment
* A Self-Portrait of Gene Duo Biggs

Jean is totally grossed out. For the other auction-goers, all these items hold great value--especially the glass slipper fragment and the prophet Mohammed's toenail.

Jean had to wait out for the glass slipper fragment as Becky ordered her to. She also had to keep her sister's mouth shut because she was excited in obtaining items such as the silver vibrator and the toenail.

Then came the second to the last item, which is brought out to be sat on the wooden pedestal like all the other items before it. It is the glass slipper fragment situated inside a lavender jewel box. The usually excited Gene tires out and falls asleep, although Jean halfway hoped that she would help in the bidding. Lupe, Amir, Lolita, Gingembre, and Pecos and Sue finally sit up at attention after being silent for almost the entire auction.

"For our next item is a rarity from Grecian antiquity," started the auctioneer. "Legend has it that those who are able to decode the Greek code will be able to summon an island nation that is said to rival that of Atlantis. Granted though, this is only a fragment of one shoe of a pair, and finding the others would be of great difficulty.

"And without further ado, the bidding will start at $1,000."

"2,000 dollars," cried Sue.

"3,000 dollars," cried Amir.

"4,000 dollars," cried Lolita.

"5,000 dollars," cried Lupe.

"6,666 dollars," yelled Gingembre.

Jean sits still and nervous for she is too timid to raise her voice and openly bid to a room full of shady creeps and rich bastards. She can no longer solicit help from her Gene because she is fast asleep and snoring noisily. In her mind, she cursed Kitty for ditching them to do her Holistic Cunnilingus on hundreds of eager girls and women.

Most importantly, she is worried that she will fail Becky, even though she curses her for blowing up her house twice and then sending Kitty Muffet to stir things up.

"30,000 dollars!" yelled Jean.

"Ma'am, we're at 100,000 dollars," corrected the auctioneer.

"Damn, we went that high? Then 200,000 dollars!"

"500,000 dollars," said Sue.

The stakes are getting higher, and bid rises exponentially for a potentially insignificant (and possibly fake) glass slipper fragment that might have Greek symbols scribbled onto it. Jean becomes more confident in her bidding, though she is worried about siphoning all of Gene's funds just to get to that item. Of course, Becky did tell her and her sister not to go over their personal limit.

The bid now reaches 30 million dollars. Jean had to sit it out because that is basically all of Gene's money. However, the other five bidders continued on until it reached 100 million. Every non-bidder is at the edge of their seats as they quietly make bets on who will win the glass slipper fragment.

"50 million!" cried Gingembre.

"100 million!" cried Sue.

The audience gasps. The bid on the glass slipper fragment is now surpasses that of the toenail of the Prophet Mohammed and Jesus' Holy Shit combined.

"200 million!" Sue cried again.

"Are you sure about this?" Pecos said to her.

"Yes, I'm sure, hon."

Now the glass slipper fragment is about to sell at the largest bid value in the entire auction. There is speculation that it might dwarf all the combined final sell values of all of the listed items.

Lupe, Amir, Lolita, and Gingembre retreat to their seats to deliberate their decision to bid higher.

"Are there any more bids?" queried the auctioneer.

Finally, Lupe stands up.

"I bid... two kagillion dollars!"

Everyone gasps.

"You fat ass!" yelled Gingembre as she waves her cane wildly. "Kagillion is not a real number."

"If you weren't a blind brat, I would have spanked your ass to the moon!" Lupe yelled back.

"I would like to see you try, fat ass!"

"Stop calling fat ass, brat!"

"Fat ass! Fat ass! Fat ass! Fat ass! Fat ass! Fat ass! Fat ass!"

"Why you..."

"Ladies, if you would please," said the auctioneer.

Lolita then stands up.

"I bid... 200 million dollars and one cent!" cried Lolita.

Everybody gasps.

"Then I bid 200 million dollars and two cents!" cried Amir.

"Make that 200 million dollars and three cents!" cried Lupe.

"Ha! I'll raise ya 200 million dollars and five cents!" cried Gingembre.

"Oh, for the love of..." muttered Sue. "I'll bid 200 million, fifty-one dollars and five cents!"

Lupe, Amir, Lolita, and Gingembre suddenly stop their personal bidding war to look in their wallets for loose change and bills that value over fifty-one dollars.

"200 million fifty-one dollars and five cents is the current bid," said the auctioneer. "Going once."

Lupe, Amir, and Lolita start to panic quietly. Gingembre tries desperately to hustle money from the Irish businessman she poked with her cane earlier.

"Going twice."

Lupe, Amir, and Gingembre immediately start to dash towards a confused Jean. Sue and Pecos smile in their winning anticipation.

"Going thrice."

Lupe, Amir, and Gingembre dog-pile on Jean. They along with Lolita quickly pulled all their money out of their wallets in order to top Sue's bid.


The gavel strikes podium. Sue hugs her lover, Pecos, with extreme happiness as the usher hands her an invoice to fill out to confirm the purchase bid of the glass slipper fragment. Even if they did combined their money from their wallets, Lupe, Amir, Lolita, and Gingembre could only muster up a combined total of fifty-dollars and four cents.

"One fucking cent short!" Gingembre cursed. "Why does this stupid country still make pennies?"

"Will you people get off me!" cried Jean, who is about to suffocate under the extreme weight of Lupe's breasts.

Lupe, Amir, Lolita, and Gingembre (along with her guide dog) left the auction room together. As Jean recovers herself, the auctioneer's assistant brings the last item of the day to the pedestal, which is a self-portrait of Gene Duo Biggs--with cat ears.

"And now for our last item," started the auctioneer, "is a one-of-a-kind self-portrait of the famed artist Gene Duo Biggs. The bidding starts at $2,500."

Suddenly Gene wakes up and shoots straight up to her feet.

"I bid 25 million dollars!" she cried.

Jean groans--and starts screaming. She tugs to her weird sister to retract her bid, but Gene did not want to. The bidding ended almost immediately, and Gene happily wins a painting of herself she did not know that she drew.

Jean didn't care anymore, for it is not her money. Her mind now shifts to the butch Texan lesbian (tribade) who she desperately wants to see once more before she leaves Las Vegas.

Having failed at her mission, Jean tugs her sister through the convention floor while dragging along the self-portrait. Midway between the exit and the auction room, they run into Kitty who had just wiped the last thread-like female cum off her mouth.

"What did I miss?" she asked the sisters.

"Oh, my little Jean-chan got dog-piled by three girls and one feminine-looking young boy and enjoyed it," said Gene.

"I did not!" growled Jean.

"Also, I won this self-portrait of Gene Duo Biggs painted by the artist herself. I'm going to hang this in my room when I get home."

"You're Gene Duo Biggs!"

"I am? I guess you could say that I am her, for we both have similar protons, neutrons, and electrons, thus atoms, and then molecules, and..."

"Shut-up! Shut-up!"

Suddenly, Jean spots Lupe Lobo by the convention hall exit along with Amir Amar, Lolita Hunter, and Bakur Gingembre, whose guide dog is waling beside her. The four of them are walking side-by-side together while keeping their eyes on Pecos and Sue, who are being escorted by their personal guards.

"It looks like we have to resort to this," said Amir.

"Get ready guys," said Lupe as she prepares to take out her throwing knife.

"Uh, yeah, I'll get ready," said Gingembre. "I'll stay behind to bark orders and stuff. Yeah, that's what I'll do."

Right before they are about to strike, three familiar women show from nowhere to greet Pecos and Sue for winning the glass slipper fragment.

Amir and Lolita stop Lupe and Gingembre from going any further.

"What's wrong?" Lupe asked.

"It's them," said Lolita.

"What do you mean?"

"The Ellas," muttered Amir.

"No way. That couldn't be them..."

"Becky," Lolita (Red) started. She looks up to her eyes with silent distress, urging her not to attack.

"Who are the Ellas?" Gingembre (Ginger) asked.

"I never seen them in person, but they're the most deadly assassins in the world," said Lupe (Becky). "They are said to give Noir a run for their money."

"You're joking, right?"

"I'm not."

Becky "points" to the each Ellas as she describes each of them Ginger.

"The most beautiful one and youngest is Charlotte Ella: AKA, Kitsune Bullet. The best sharpshooter around. She is also bisexual seductress and will kill you after she sleeps with you.

"The crazy-lookin' one is her older sister, Cecilia Ella: AKA, Crazy Tengu. She is an expert in stealth and ninjitsu. I hear rumors that she mutilates her victims and eats their private parts."

"That's sick, man," Ginger said. "But cool though."

"The bald-headed chick is their mother, Celeste Ella: AKA, Tanuki Fist. She's the best female Shaolin master in the world--and the most ruthless. It is said that she can deflect a full swing of a sword or a bullet with just her fingers."

"It looks like Sis has been outdone," said Ginger. "I guess she isn't the best assassin-mercenary that I thought she'd be."

"I can't believe you looked up to me."

"Who said that I looked up to you?"

"They're gone," said Amir (Mira).

When Becky and Ginger turned their heads, they see that the Ellas have disappeared, and that Pecos and Sue along with their guards have exited the building.

"Well, it looks like we failed the mission," said Ginger. "Now let's go to DEF CON!"

"No we're not," said Becky.

"Why not?"

"We're going to follow them."

"But we just got here! I wanna go to DEF CON!"

"I wanna go to Spice Girls!" cried Red.


Ginger chops Red at the neck, thus causing to fall to the ground. She's not dead, though, and Becky does not mind since all of Ginger's blows are pathetically weak. Red merely pretends to be hurt just to humor her friend.

Someone taps Becky on the shoulder. Becky turns around and sees Gene, as well as Jean who is shyly hiding behind her sister's back. Kitty is not far and watching HLS shag two female African wild dogs with her double dildo strap-on.

"Kind madam, someone wants to talk to you," she said to her. Gene shuffles aside and pushes Jean to Becky. Jean still does not know that the woman she had a crush on is her former wolf-eared college roommate.

"I know we just met," Jean stuttered, "but I was just wondering if we can get together someday and maybe, well, you know, talk."

"I'll be busy tomorrow," said Becky.

"Any other day will be fine."

"How about this weekend?"

"Sure. Where?"

"Wherever you want, Jean-chan."

"Hey, I didn't tell you my name."

"It's me."


"Don't you recognize me?"

Jean shakes her head. Becky sighs and tosses her cowboy hat off her head and exposes the two wolf ears on the top of her head. Realizing that she has been duped and used as insurance in their auctioning schemes, Jean's love for Lupe Lobo suddenly turning into hate/love/resentment for Becky Wolfe. Jean wails out and immediately starts beating on Becky's breasts.

"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" Jean cried. "First college, then my house, then my second house, then that British woman, and now this! Why won't you leave me alone?"

"You sure do love playing with my breasts," said Becky.

"I do not!"

"You're in denial," everyone said.

"Will all of you shut-up!"

Jean suddenly screamed, but this is something different. Something is incessantly poking her butt. She turns around and sees Ginger doing the poking with her white walking stick.

"Stop poking my ass!" Jean yelled at her.

Ginger continues to poke Jean, and eventually moves on to poke Becky on the butt. "I'm blind, sista," said Ginger. "And rich to boot."

"Um, Ginger," said Mira. "We can stop the charade now."

"Who's this Ginger? I hope she is good-looking and smart, unlike a certain fat ass named Sis who is now second best to a trio of incest-loving lesbo assassins."

"That reminds me," Becky smirked.

Becky immediately exposes Ginger's butt and spanks three times for every time she called her a "fat ass"--which is about thirty times. Pictures of it are taken, and then re-sold at the spank-fetish booth. This also gave Gene an idea for her next (money-making) photo project.

With the spanking done, Ginger cursed Becky and decided to move to plan B-5. So she strips naked and bends her butt over towards Becky.

"I'm gonna give you worst scat experience you will ever see!" Ginger cried.

"Whatev," said Becky.

"I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna piss you off and gross you out at the same time!"

Ginger grunts as she struggles to eject something (anything!) out of her anus. Everyone watch on as well as take pictures to resell at another fetish booth. Mira drools while stealth masturbating.

After minute or so, Ginger finally releases something out of her butt. She lets a loud and long fart that fills up the entire convention hall.

"Fuck," cursed a stunned Ginger.

Everyone bursts out laughing, including HLS and the two African wild dogs. Embarrassed beyond her intelligent wit, Ginger starts to cry.

"You guys are so mean!" she wailed.

Naked, Ginger runs out of the convention hall towards the casino floor.

"Wait Ginger!" cried Mira. "You're naked!"

Then a dirty thought overcame Mira, for she is still wet after seeing Ginger naked for the nth time. She decides to take the digital camcorder Ginger pilfered from a Japanese Yakuza boss and then chases Ginger down the casino with it.

"As much as I enjoy this, we've got to get them," said Becky.

"It smells like Ginger-fart here," Red said.

"Let's go. HLS--come!"

"Bark!" acknowledges HLS.

Becky, Red, and HLS say their goodbyes to Jean, Gene, and Kitty, and they run off to go get Mira, who is recording every minute of Ginger streaking[iii].

"God must hate me," Jean lamented.

"I'm sure Becky will be back to sweep off your feet," said Gene.

"That's not what I meant."

"Look at it this way: this is God's way of showing His love for you."

"Then we must worship a sadistic God who takes pleasure in making us suffer in silly ways."

"That's the spirit Jean-chan!"

"Why me?"

"I think you need to be 'treated' darling," Kitty suggested.

"Please leave me alone."

When Ginger realized that the she had streaked for fifteen minutes in the Castaways casino, she asked their manages on the number of people she pissed off. They replied that it was 5%. Ginger was pissed about that, but she did take pleasurable credit for inadvertently inducing a heart attack to an elderly religious woman who was on the penny slot machines.

In order to intercept Pecos and Sue at their ranch in Arlen, Texas, Becky and the girls had to board a plane. They couldn't go by car anyway since Becky crashed it. However, Ginger and Red whined about staying Vegas a little longer, so Becky allowed them to play on the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Some activities included riding the rollercoaster, mooning at the rotating restaurant, and dropping things from the top, which is their favorite. Then security descended upon them and told them to stop. But they continued, and threatened to arrest them. Red's cuteness was not enough to sway them, so Ginger ordered her friend to kick their asses. Luckily for them, Ginger and Red were about to leave in an hour, so they managed to avoid the authorities they so resent.

On the plane, there was no in-flight movie, and Ginger was pissed about that. So she decided to relieve her boredom by ripping off and pissing of all the other passengers through rigged card games and throwing off obscene and offensive gestures to them. After numerous complaints, Becky was forced to tie her down into the seat, but Ginger always found a way to escape. Becky simply gave up and told the flight attendants to deal with it.

"The Ellas..." Becky muttered. "Could they be interested in the glass slipper fragments?"

"I know it's know my place to say this," Mira started, "but you really have to be careful around the Ellas, Miss Wolfe. It would be best to avoid them."

"And what if we can't? Then we should at least take our chances. I mean, I'm good, right?"

"To tell you the truth, not as good as them."

"Then that means we have to show them we can kick their asses and then some!" Ginger cried out.

Becky turns her head and sees that Ginger is standing by her in the aisle naked.

"This again?" Becky said.

"I'm still gonna piss you off by shitting in front of your eyes!" Ginger cried.


"I'm serious! This time I'm gonna do it!"

Ginger squats down ready defecate. After a minute of struggling, a dinner cart being pushed by a flight attendant knocks Ginger and sends her tumbling down the aisle and into the cockpit. The pilots are both startled and strangely aroused by the thin girl or mashed her butt on the controls, thus causing the plane to dip.

Everyone screams for their lives, except for Becky and Red, since they are too busy listening to the radio through their headphones.

The pilots eventually regain control and sends Ginger away. They warn Becky and the others to tie down their friend or face arrest.

This time, Ginger is gagged and tied down tightly to her seat. Mira was the one who happily volunteered to do the tying.

"Are you comfortable, Ginger dear?" Mira asked.

Ginger mumbles something through the duct tape over her mouth. It is incomprehensible, and it is most likely to be offensive and derogatory insults.

"That's good," Mira smiled.

This happens to be a one hour and thirty minute flight.


i - DEF CON is a convention for phreakers and computer hackers. It often takes place in Las Vegas, Nevada (U.S.A.) for some reason.

ii - The lyrics are from Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."

iii - Streaking - running around public places without any clothes on.

Chapter 12

Title: The Deadly Ranch of Pecos and Slue-foot

Chapter 12: The Deadly Ranch of Pecos and Slue-foot

William "Bill" Pecos: a wealthy oil baron and the CEO of Pecos Petroleum Industries who single-handedly "monopolized" the Rio Grande river for his own personal needs, and holds a patent on the Lasso. Some of his most prized possessions are his dark helicopter called the "Cyclone", his man-eating horse "Widow-maker", and a whip named "Rattlesnake", which he sometimes lets Sue use on him.

Susan "Slue-foot" Sue: not much is known about her, except she owns a luxury motorboat called the "Catfish" and that she is Pecos's woman. No one is sure if she is his wife, mistress, or just a passing fancy.

Both of them do love to torture each other in silly ways.

Their ranch is situated just on the outskirts of Arlen, Texas. They have one oil well on the edge of their land, a giant roaming area for their cattle, their barn, their stables, a heliport and dock by the Rio Grande River, and their expansive Pueblo mansion-castle. Surrounding the mansion is a perimeter of apple trees being tended by their primary bodyguard and Soldats-trained sharpshooter Johnny Appleseed (voiced by David Lucas, Steve Blum, David Hayter, or whatever). Appleseed, or J.A. as Pecos and Sue like to call him, loves apples and is said to make the most slammin' apple cider in North America.

Besides Appleseed, Pecos has hired numerous well-trained bodyguards to guard his ranch armed with heavy assault weaponry. That may strike the Arlen authorities as suspicious rich-man paranoid behavior, but Bill immediately silenced them with bribes, under-the-table dealings, and sometimes extortion.

In their black Cadillac sedan, Pecos and Sue returned from their getaway in Las Vegas with their prized winning hidden inside a secure wooden silk-lined box. The guard in his box activate the mechanism to open their lavish metal gate in order to let his employers in. After going past the rows of beautiful sagebrushes, they go through the apple tree perimeter and see Appleseed sitting under one of his trees whittling away at a stick he intends to use on the anus of a squirrel he despises.

Their driver park their Cadillac inside their expansive garage lined up with polished and vintage American cars, such as the Ford Mustang and other Cadillacs. Also in the garage are vintage trucks and Harley Davidson motorcycles.

After securing Sue's glass slipper fragment, they decide to have dinner, which is fried raspberry gumbo--the one of its kind. As he ate and drank his apple cider, Pecos noticed something troubling Sue's mind.

"What is wrong, hon?" he asked her.

"I can't believe we spent a lot of money on just a piece of glass," said Sue. "Who knows if it is really what Darryl claims it to be?"

"She says that once both glass slippers are reassembled, the legendary kingdom of Tribadia will rise from the Agean sea. The one who wears them will be destined to rule the kingdom, and thus the entire world."

Sue's eyes, sudden widen. "Are you sure?"

"Then again, I hear only lesbians can be the new Queen of Tribadia."

Sue slumps down and looks away from her lover. "So you don't care about a bunch of lesbos like Darryl ruling the world?"

"I may not like gays, but Darryl is one woman you should not mess with."

"Then why should you pay her a yearly tithe? You're Bill Pecos! The most powerful rancher and oil baron of Texas! The Bushes and Halliburton are scared shitless of you!"

"Woman, you have no say on how I run my ranch."

"Billy, I want to be Queen of Tribadia! Screw Darryl!"

"But you'd have to be a lesbian."

"Then I'll be bisexual at least, right? Where's our maid?"

"She's off duty at the moment. Besides, she's pushing fifty."

"Then go out and find some hussie I can have sex with! And she'd better be pretty!"

"Whoa there, Slue-foot Sue--do you know what the hell you are saying? Going against Güse--coming out of the closet; if you wanna be a Queen of sunken island nation, do it on your own."

Sue angrily knocks her plate and glass off the table. She leaps off her chair, plants her arms down on the table and stares down at a semi-defiant Pecos.

"How long have we been together, Billy?" asked Sue. "Ten years? Fifteen years? You know I'm the only one who can give the best anal with my earlobe and get you off with chia pets and rubber ducks. Besides, if you don't do what I do, I'll tell all the Arlen and Texan liberals of your secret dealings with the national Republican party."

Pecos sighs.

"All right then, honey," said he. "I'll hold off selling the glass slipper fragment and find you a woman."

"Good," smiled Sue. "And we should also create a network of informants to find the rest of the glass slipper fragments."

"And what about me?"

"So what do want up anus today?"

"Gummi worms. And I would also like you to spray a can of air duster on my genitals."

"We did that last week."

"I want to do it again."

"Fine. Then I'll have to borrow Rattlesnake again. Plus, you need to stack ten Betamax VCRs on my bare breasts when I'm done with you."


After their unusual erotic torture session, Pecos sets out to find a suitable girl for his woman, while Sue fingered through the glass slipper fragment that is in her possession while fingering herself.

They arrive in the Arlen airport only to receive an earful from the airport personnel about their rude conduct during the one-hour flight. On her partners' request, Mira sedates everyone in airport with sleeping gas. Unfortunately, she forgot to bring gasmasks for Becky and Red, and Ginger held her breath. Ginger, Mira, and HLS dragged Becky and Red's sleeping bodies to the first cab they saw, and then hijacked it by threatening to the drive that they will report him to the immigration officials.

In their hotel room, Becky and Red continued sleeping. Mira takes a shower and masturbates, HLS is in the lobby shagging two female Labrador retrievers, and Ginger successfully swindles $500 from the hotel manger and his migrant workers through a rigged one-card Monte.

That is how the girls passed the time until their informant arrived. After seeing the peachy abdomen of some giant bug mockup, Ginger and HLS immediately ran upstairs to the hotel room and wakes Becky and Red up by pouring a bucket of hotel ice in their panties. For them, it was sure a rude wake up call. When asked who did it, Ginger pointed the blame to HLS and Mira. Mira had just gotten out of the shower when the question was asked.

There is rhythmic knock on the door. Becky gave instructions and the knock-password to the informant to confirm that he has arrived. It was supposed to be the rhythm of the melody to the "Sound of Music" or Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence". Either way, Becky forgot what it was supposed to be.

"Hey, let me in," screamed a whiny Texan. "It's Dale Gribble--your 'quote-unquote' informant. You told me to knock on this room, remember?"

Becky nods to Red to arm herself and situate herself by the doorway. Becky unsheathes her Shinseiki katana. She heads over to the door and slowly opens the door.

Immediately, Becky pulls inside a skinny middle-aged man wearing an orange cap and mirrored sunglasses and pushes him onto the bed. Red and Becky point their weapons at his head as Dale whines for mercy.

"Ahh!" he screamed. "Please don't kill me! I'm too handsome to die!"

Certainly, no one in Texas can make such a whine. Becky and Red holster their weapons and help Dale up to his feet.

"Sorry about that, Mister Kibble," said Red.

"That's Gribble little lady," said Dale.

They apologized to him, and he replied it was no problem due to the ever growing millennium conspiracy.

Becky and the girls load up with their stuff inside Dale's van, which is used for his self-employed pest control job. Becky and HLS sit in the front seat while Dale drives and smokes. Red, Mira, and Ginger ride uncomfortably in the back. However, none of them are too nerved up about being surrounded by so many toxic chemicals. As a chemist, Mira knows that they are safe, unless they pesticides are sprayed into their eyes or ingested. Ginger begins to have thoughts of using the chemicals to spray on people and killing bugs and animals. Red, on the other hand, is getting high from the fumes.

Throughout the way, Dale explained to Becky about Pecos, Sue, and their ranch.

"So why are you helping us?" asked Becky.

"Pecos is actively getting his hands in the politics of Arlen and the state of Texas," said Dale. "He is secretly sabotaging other Republican candidates' campaigns in order to get George Bush in the ticket."

"Didn't he get defeated by Clinton?"

"I meant George W. Bush--the son of George H.W. Bush."

"I thought Pecos didn't like Bush."

"He doesn't, but by putting a stupid fool as leader, he'll be able to manipulate him from the shadows. I may be a proud Texan Miss Becky, but I don't like how Republicans claim to advocate limited government when they truly desire an intrusive one in the first place. Besides, my wife hates Slue-foot Sue."

"How come?"

Dale narrows his eyes as he turns toward Becky and HLS.

"That is because they wore the same dress," he uttered.

As the sun starts to set in the vast deserts of Texas, Dale parks the van at the very edge of Pecos's ranch property, which is miles away from the main compound. They all come out to take a look with their binoculars. Meanwhile, Red and Ginger take out Dale's pesticide equipment and starts spraying anything at random, such as flowers, bugs, rabbits, etc..

"His land is highly secured," said Dale. "There are numerous heat and laser sensors posted all over the place disguised as cactuses."

"How do you know all this?" asked Becky.

"Oh, I know all right. That is how they caught me in Area 51."

"Ah, this is nothing," smiled Becky as she pockets her binoculars. "Red-chan is an expert at ninjitsu and Gingerbrat is able to hack into anything."

"w00t!" screamed Ginger. "Sis said something good about me!"

"Cockroaches can die from a nicotine overdose," said Red, "so selling cigarettes would be as illegal as selling LSD."

When Dale turned around, he became shocked that Red and Ginger are playing with his equipment.

"What are you girls doing?" cried Dale.

Ginger pulls the sprayer nozzle out from a turtle's anus.

"Spraying stuff," replied Ginger.

"Put that back!"


Ginger sprays some unknown pesticide into Dale's face. Dale collapses to the ground whining, cringing as he clutches his face.

"My eyes! My eyes!" he screamed.

"Mister Gribble," said Mira. "You are wearing glasses."

"My face! My face!"

"It's just coyote pheromones."

"Coyote pheromones?"

Before they knew it, Dale and the girls are directly in the center of a circle of hot and horny coyotes. Dale scrambles to his feet and runs away screaming almost like a little girl and the coyotes chase him.

"Thank you Mister Kibble!" screamed Red as she dangerously waves her nozzle of pesticides, pheromones, potpourri, or whatever.

Then the girls soon realize HLS is shagging two female coyotes with her double-dildo strap-on, while a male coyote shags the tortoise Ginger pumped up with her nozzle full of pheromones.

Sometime after, Red finds a matchbook in the ground and decides to test the flammability of the van by throwing a lit match into the van. The van explodes, and the girls shuffle ten feet away from the destruction.

"Nice Red-chan," said Becky. "Now we have to initiate the operation immediately."

"Which is supposed to take place six o'clock on the dial."

"Of course."

"It's six o'clock right now."

"Then let's jam!"

The girls immediately change out of their usual clothes and into tight-fitting and bodily-enhancing black sneak suits. Mira was the last the finish changing as she was too busy watching Ginger undress and dress. Now there is a wet-spot in Mira's crotch consisting of what the girls like to call "vagina juice[i]".

Mira becomes even wetter as Ginger semi-provocatively rubs the smooth surface of the suit on her butt.

"Shit man," she muttered. "This thing's too tight on my ass."

"You're the one who bought the suits for us," said Becky.

"I only bought it 'cause it would make me look cool. And besides, I didn't buy it--I stole it."

"From who?"

"Some secret government organization called Foxhound."

After they load up their equipment on their wearable packs, they set out towards Pecos' ranch. HLS takes point so she can sniff out any booby traps such as landmines, bear traps, hidden pitfalls, and the heat and laser sensors Dale claims to be disguised as cactuses. Crawling on their stomachs, Red and Ginger follow HLS, while Mira and Becky take up their rear.

So far, there are no landmines, bear traps, pitfalls, or even heat and laser sensors. The girls wondered if Dale Gribble was being too paranoid.

At the start of the evening, they reached halfway point and discovered that the wood fenced perimeter is being patrolled and secured by two jeeps, ten ATVs, and numerous heavily armed bodyguards on foot. They can see that the front gate is guarded by two guards in a security checkpoint box.

Becky looks at HLS. "Do you know what to do?" she asked.

"Arf!" HLS barked.

"Shh! Not so loud."

HLS whines.

"Okay, okay. I promised to take you to that dog show after this."

HLS walks up and happily licks Becky's cheek. Then she runs off towards the front gate. Right when one of the box guards spotted her, HLS starts to slow down and sniff around like a lost dog.

Box guard number one, Hedge, walks up and starts to pet HLS.

"Hey there little boy," he said. "Are you lost?"

"That dog's a she," corrected Vicks, box guard number two.

"It's boy. No dog would have two dicks."

"Whoa! That dog has two dicks?"

Vicks joins up with Hedge as they proceed to inspect HLS. Soon enough, other guards join up with them to pet the dog.

With those guards busy, Becky and the girls run up to the wooden plank fence but they do not touch it. Ginger pokes her head up and under the individual rungs for any kind of sensors.

"It's all clear," said Ginger.

"Red-chan, Mira--you're next," ordered Becky.

Red and Mira leap up over the fence and run to hide in the bushes next to the nearest tree. Two patrolling guards noticed a strange noise and proceed to walk over to where Red and Mira are hiding. One of the guards is shot in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. As he collapses, the other guard reaches for his walkie-talkie. Before he could report, Red leaps from the trees and knocks him out with one chop to the neck. Red motions to Becky and Ginger to leap join up with them. As they did so, Mira and Red drag their unconscious bodies into the bushes and immediately launch their silent assault.

Meanwhile, Vicks notices a fleshy prosthetic nose hanging off HLS chain collar. That reminded him of a song:

New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rulesii

Apparently, Vicks is an avid Metallica fan.

"Hey what's this prosthetic nose?" Hedge asked as he reaches his hand for the object in question.

"Hedge, no!" cried Vicks.

HLS suddenly growls as Hedge held the nose. She then leaps over the gate and bites Hedge's crotch. As Hedge screams out in pain, Vicks and the other guards pull out their guns at HLS.

Gunshots are fired. Becky and the girls were about to sneak into the pueblo mansion-castle through a secured window when they heard the noise.

"Dammit HLS," cursed Becky. "No dog pussy for you!"

Usually, Appleseed would sleep through any normal break in. However, waking up made him think that something special is going to happen. He throws down his whittled stick and knife and leaps to his feet. He pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army revolver pistol and checks to see if the barrel is loaded all the way. It is, and he then puts the barrel back into position.

"It's time," he smiled.

Inside the 2nd floor of the mansion and dressed in leather bondage gear, the bruised and whipped Pecos and Sue run up to the window to see Becky, Red, and Mira fighting against their henchmen.

"Has Güse sent out assassins for me already?" Pecos wondered.

"Relax hon," said Sue. "If they could get past J.A., they'll have to deal with us."

Then Sue notices Ginger cowering behind Becky, Red, and Mira in the middle of the shootout.

"I want her," Sue pointed.

"Her?" said Pecos. "Is that a girl?"

"She's genuine lesbian if I know one. I want her. I want her now!"

"All right, all right. I'll radio to J.A. and the guards not kill her. She will be captured, of course."

Pecos puts on his robe, picks up his leather whip Rattlesnake and walks out of their personal erotic torture chamber, which is filled with strange objects such as a kiddy hobby horse, stuffed animals, a cat costume, used Tamagotchi diapers, and other ordinary office equipment and kids toys not meant for eroticism. Then again, the erotic torture chamber looks kind of like a kid's playroom and a office workplace with satin and low key lighting.

Sue remains at the window staring longingly at Ginger.

"A cutie lesbian with glasses," Sue said to herself. "I almost want to become one myself."

Outside, more and more henchmen start to flank Becky and the girls towards the barn.

"What the hell are you guys doin'?" screamed Ginger. "I order you to kill them!"

"You're not our leader Gingerbrat!" yelled Becky.

"Of course I am! Since I'm the prettiest and the smartest unlike you fat ass Sis!"

"Oh, that's it!"

"Grandma, duck!" screamed.

A bullet screams between Becky's wolf ears before she could even start to spank Ginger. Red immediately loads up two more cartridges into her pistols and shoots down all the guards before her.

"Where are you?" Red called out.

A bullet knocks one of Red's pistols out of her hand. She quickly runs and hides behind an apple tree.

"I'll take care of this Grandma!" Red cried out.

Becky, Mira, and Ginger leap over the fence and head into the long and dark stables where it seemed very suspiciously empty. So far, the guards have not followed them inside.

Becky sniffs the air.

"It smells like blood," she said.

"Is it ours?" asked Ginger.

"The blood smells old," said Mira. "This is a place of death."

Suddenly, they can hear the neighs of angry horse rocking one of the stalls. Becky holds out her sword and Mira draws out her dart pistol laced with poison. Ginger stands between them shaking and peeing in her pants.

"I h-hope you t-two will be able to p-protect your f-fearless leader," said Ginger.

The rocking and neighing grew more and more violent. Then a giant black horse bursts out of the farthest stall. It turns and stares down at the girls with a furious gaze. The smell of blood is stronger than ever before. The girls can barely make out the blood and flesh dripping from the horse's mouth.

Widow-maker charges towards them. Becky, Mira, and Ginger are not prepared for this. Caught by surprise, Widow-maker plows through and knocks them off the feet and into the air. Separated, each of them tries to avoid Widow-maker's next assault.

However, Ginger escapes outside and tries to run off to save herself. Suddenly, she trips over a bleached skeleton. Before she realizes what is going on, someone gags her with a cloth laced with chloroform. She falls unconscious and is taken away.

Back in the stalls, Becky and Mira leap into the stalls only to land on something ungodly. Becky covers her nose from the stench, and Mira covers her mouth to avoid throwing up. They discover they have landed on a heap of rotten maggot-filled corpses and bones. About a quarter of them wear the uniforms of Pecos's henchmen.

Mira takes a closer look at the severed arm and sees that it has been chewed off by some large animal.

"What's the deal with this?" Becky asked. "Are these the failed assassins and guards?"

"No," said Mira. "These are the horse's leftover scraps."

"You mean that black horse is a man-eater?"

Widow-maker bursts through the stalls with his bloodied mouth opened up for the kill. Suddenly, a small black four-legged animal leaps onto its back and attempts to take it down. Widow-maker buckled and kicked until the animal is thrown off. Landing on its feet is HLS snarling at the horse.

The two animals stare down at each other for while. Then HLS leaps up into the air clamps her jaws onto Widow-maker's neck. Widow-maker swings about wildly and unexpectedly falls down and pins HLS down with his immense weight. HLS loses her grip, and Widow-maker quickly gets back up so he can trample on the dog.

In a loud battle cry, Becky charges at the black horse with her Shinseiki at hand. Widow-maker's feet barely miss the wounded HLS as he lands. He then quickly turns to kick Becky with his hind legs. Becky is sent flying and crashing into the tool shed.

Mira fires dart after dart of poison from her pistol to Widow-maker's body. The horse does not falter a bit. Widow-maker marches up to Mira and knocks her off her feet with one swing of his massive head. As Mira struggles to get up, Widow-maker clamps its jaws hard onto her right shoulder and picks her up.

Mira screams out loudly as her blood runs down her body. Becky and HLS struggle to their feet, but they are too hurt to help at the moment.

Then two silent bullets strike Widow-maker's leg. Widow-maker screams and lets go of Mira. As he tries to maintain his balance, it turns himself towards the shooter.

Two more shots are fired into his body. Widow-maker angrily buckles and charges towards the mysterious shooter. Two more bullets are fired into his head, thus causing Widow-maker to collapse and slide to his death right before the shooter's feet. To Becky, the style of shooting is like Red's, yet more graceful. She crawls out and looks down the stable hallway to see a beautiful assassin dressed fashionably in a long-sleeved blouse, a black skirt, and a satin choker.


The shooter ejects her spent cartridge and puts in another one. She walks towards Becky with her gun drawn at her. The identity of the mysterious young female shooter is revealed as she passes into the rays of the moonlight: Charlotte Ella.

"Charlotte!" cried Mira as she limbers her way towards the moonlight's rays.

"Why hello there Miss Rama," smiled Charlotte. "I never expected to see you here."

"You know her?" Becky asked Mira.

"Well, I..."

"I never expected Olde Wolfe Ears to be wounded so easily by a killer horse," said Charlotte. "I suppose you were too involved with my little sister."

"Olde Wolfe Ears?" growled Becky. Becky picks up her sword and gets ready to strike Charlotte. Charlotte draws out a second gun with her other hand--a black Desert Eagle "Magnum". Becky is stopped in her tracks.

"I have no interest in slaying the likes of a second-rate assassin-mercenary. Unless we are hired to do so."

"What are you doing here?" Mira asked.

"My mother and sister and I are called in by our employer to deal with Pecos and Sue. This has nothing to do with the glass slipper fragment you seek."

Charlotte lowers her guns and holsters her black magnum. She starts to walk away out of the stables confidently. Then she stops, and turns her head back at the confused Mira and Becky.

"By the way," said Charlotte, "your Jersey friend has been kidnapped by Slue-foot Sue."

"Ginger!" cried Mira.

Mira picks up her pistol and loads it with a cartridge full of her deadliest poison darts. She immediately runs out of the stables and into the mansion's side door.

"Wait Mira!" cried Becky. Becky picks up her Shinseiki katana and she and HLS follow Mira.

"It looks like I'll have to save little sis," smiled Charlotte.

Meanwhile, Red dodges another bullet of Appleseed's gun by hiding behind another apple tree. During her gunfight against him, Red noticed that his bullets never grazed the trunk or a branch of the apple trees. For some reason, Appleseed timed his attacks so that Red's bullets won't damage the trees as well.

"These trees are my family little girl," said Appleseed. "So I'd advise you to give up. I will not let anyone harm my trees."

"Sometimes, Grandma likes to smear applesauce on my armpits and lick them off," said Red as she prepares to shoot through her tree.

"That's interesting. But don't ever dare to do what you are about to do now. I have you in my sights."

Red turns her head and looks in the reflection in the glass windows. She sees Appleseed standing beside one of his beloved tree with his Colt pointed at her. Judging by the angle, Red surmises that if he shoots, he will most certainly have hit her by ricocheting the bullet off the mansion wall--all without hitting any part of a tree.

She can't move. She is trapped. If she even attempts to pull a trigger, she will get shot and maybe killed in one shot from Appleseed. Climbing the apple tree or even leaping up into the branches might be risky, for it may incite him into anger. The only things left to do is to that as well as taking at least one bullet in order to attack.

Red hugs her back onto the tree and slides around so she can run towards Appleseed. Before she knew it, she is stopped by a barrel of Colt to her forehead. She rolls her eyes up and sees Appleseed smiling.

"Bad move," said he.

A shadow leaps from the trees and slashes downward on Appleseed's back. He staggers forward until something hacks off his forearms and finally his head. Red rolls away to avoid the blood splatter. Appearing before her is Cecilia Ella dressed in a tight black spider suit and a small jacket. In Cecilia's hands are two serrated and bloodied long knives.

Cecilia turns her head and makes a maniacal smile. After she licks the blood off one of her knives, she engages into a running assault stance, and then makes one step.

"Don't you move sister," cried Charlotte.

Cecilia stopped. She turns and sees Charlotte pointing one of her less-powerful pistols at her.

Cecilia's eye twitched. "Go ahead and shoot sis," she winced. "I can take a couple more bullets."

"We do not have any authorization to deal her in," continued Charlotte. "If you disobey our employer's orders, then I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Fine then,"--Cecilia turns to a frozen Red--"You've got lucky this time."

"Let's go find mother."

Cecilia joins up with Charlotte and they immediately disappear into the shadows of the apple trees.

"Becky..." gasped Red. She picks up her pistol and runs to the front entrance of the mansion.

When Ginger came to, she found herself held and stretched right-side up by two hanging harnesses on her arms and is anchored down by two harnesses on the floor attached to her feet. Her sneak suit is still on her, fortunately, but she can feel a draft tingling her butt. She manages turn her head and discovers that her buttocks have been exposed.

Ginger tries to shake her way out. Then suddenly she feels something brushing her butt, most likely a feather of the infamous Yello Dello bird. Since her butt is now ultra-sensitive, it starts to contract involuntarily, and starts to laugh and cry out loud. Then she farts. Her face turns red in embarrassment.

"My, my," uttered an older woman's voice. "You sure are well fed."

"Who's that?" Ginger asked.

Sue steps even closer to Ginger.

"Susan Sue. But you can call me Slue-foot if you'd like."

Sue holds her body against Ginger's from behind. Sue playfully licks Ginger's ear and starts fondling with her breasts. Ginger shakes and cringes. She furiously rocks her body and forces Sue off her.

"Feisty and cute!" Sue smiled.

"What do you want with me? I have nothing to do with this operation! Those girls blackmailed me to join their group! If you want, I'll even give you their glass slipper fragments."

"That is excellent! You are certainly a gem my honey. I'm so on my way to be queen of Tribadia, with ruling at my side as my lover."

"I don't swing that way you old Texas bitch!"

"Old? I am not old!"

Sue pulls out her rifle from table full of cucumbers and fires a dart into Ginger's butt.

It was painful, but after enduring Becky's repeated spanking, it didn't seem like it. However, she now feels a funny tingling sensation deep in her bowels.

"I've shot you with my Enema Rifle. In a couple of minutes everything you have eaten will pour out of your anus!"

"An enema?" gasped Ginger. She then realized that she still has to get back at Becky for all the spanking she had done to her.

"Damnit Sis!" screamed Ginger. "Get the fuck over here and save me!"

Down the hall from the erotic torture chamber is Bill Pecos's Texas-style office. After staring at the security monitors from his desk chair, his face becomes white. The shock of his ranch being overrun is so sudden that he is forced to drink the entire whiskey bottle.

He hears a noise. He takes a deep breath and turns towards the main office doorway. Pecos keeps in mind the whip on his lap.

"So have you adopted those four girls as part of your family?" Pecos asked the uniformed Celeste, who stood in front of the doorway.

"No," Celeste replied.

"Then why are you here?" Pecos asked. He is starting to believe Güse had already found about his defection.

"For some reason, Mother Güse does not approve of your political contributions for the upcoming 2000 presidency."

"I see." Even if it isn't about the defection or the fact that he is withholding the glass slipper fragment, Pecos is in definite trouble.

In a flash, Pecos cracks his whip. Rattlesnake, made from many real rattlesnakes, whips across the office and slices up anything in its path. Celeste blocks the whip with her tough arms, and the robed Pecos leaps from his chair and escapes through the side entrance of his office. Celeste follows him into his billiard room where she finds herself in a middle of a windy storm. Papers and other light objects such as Celeste's fedora hat fly. Standing on the billiard table, Pecos twirls his Rattlesnake high up in the air and very fast, thus creating an instant tornado.

"I don't care much for Tribadia or the glass slipper fragments," declared Pecos, "but I won't let even you stop me from attaining what I need in the Middle East!"

Celeste can't get into the eye of room tornado. Looking up, she makes a quick decision to catch the other end of Rattlesnake. She leaps and catches. Pecos is surprised. Right when she lands, Celeste runs to the other side of the room pulls hard on the whip. Pecos falls down. Celeste lets go and leaps onto the table for a double-jump kick. Pecos leaps off the table right before Celeste literally crashes through. Pecos whips at her again, but she catches a good chunk of Rattlesnake with her forearms. After pulling, she breaks apart the whip.

Pecos tries to draw out his six-shooter, but Celeste dashes in and breaks apart his arm. Then he knees him into his solar plexus, crushes his chest with one palm thrust, and breaks his neck before he could even scream in agony.

Pecos's mangled body falls to the floor. Celeste brushes the dust and debris off her shoulders. She walks over, picks up her fedora hat, and places on top of her semi-shiny shaved head.

"Mission accomplished," she said. Her two daughters, Cecilia and Charlotte, had just entered the billiard room.

"It's lunch time!" cried Cecilia as she enthusiastically runs over to Pecos's body so she can mutilate his crotch.

"What about Slue-foot Sue, mother?" Charlotte said.

"She is not our target," said Celeste. "We'll let Olde Wolfe Ears and her gang deal with her."

Speaking of which, Becky stood in the foyer a little confused and somewhat scared at Mira's sudden aggressiveness. As evidenced by the poisoned and unconscious maids, butlers, and bodyguards, Mira had been frantically searching room after room for Ginger while shooting anyone (well, basically everyone) with her poison darts for they did not know where the bespectacled brat is.

Mira just emerges from the upstairs guest quarters breathing heavily. She looks down and sees Becky and HLS just standing there.

"Miss Rebecca Wolfe!" she cried out to her. "What are you doing? We have to find Ginger!"

Becky started, "Mira, please remember the second rule of--"

"I AM RELAXED!"--Mira runs down the next hallway and screams out "GINGER!"

"But we still have to find the glass slipper fragment..." mumbled Becky.

"Grandma!" cried Red's voice. She had finally caught up with Becky.


"It's the Ellas..."

"I know."

Becky, Red, and HLS run upstairs to join Mira in her frantic search for Ginger.

Back inside erotic torture chamber, the screams of Mira begin to worry Sue. She picks up her walkie-talkie and tries to radio her man-toy Pecos. There is no response.

"That bastard!" she screamed. "He must've got himself killed! Oh well. At least I have you and this glass slipper fragment."

"May I remind that I'm not gay--let alone straight--and that you're fucking old Texan bitch!" screamed Ginger. "Aw, fuck, my butt!"

Ginger grunts as she musters all her strength to resist the effects of the enema flowing in her bloodstream. So far it, has worked for five minutes--a new record.

"You're so cute when you're angry!" giggled Sue as she hugs and gropes Ginger. "I've made up my mind--I'm going to be a lesbian and I'll fuck you until the cows come home!"

"You fucking lesbo bitch! Didn't you hear a fucking word I screamed at you?"

Mira finally bursts into the chamber. She becomes shocked and angered at the sight she is seeing. She points her dart pistol at Sue.

"By Allah's grace, let go of that girl!" Mira cried out.

Ginger exhaled. Her face becomes redder as she restrains from defecating.

"Goddammit Mira!" Ginger cried. "I was expecting Sis!"

"Sis?" wondered Mira. "Becky?"

Suddenly, Mira's heart sinks very low. To hear a possible implication that Ginger actually likes Becky made her both jealous and very sad. As she sinks lower, her mind wanders off to the events that may lead up to Ginger's lover for Becky, such as the constant bickering, hitting and spanking. Back then, Mira might have imagined that Ginger had a fancy for Red, but she simply shrugged off as a close friendship between two teenage girls. Mira now starts blaming herself for not being forward towards Ginger, but she cannot be really be faulted because Ginger is the most unapproachable person in the entire world. Of course, she had always cooked and cleaned for her without question, but Mira feels nothing more than a caring mother or a longtime maid.

"Perhaps," Mira muttered to herself, "perhaps I could at least get into a threesome with Ginger and Becky."

"Mira!" Red cried out.

Red, Becky, and HLS finally join up Mira, who then snaps out of her sudden depression.

"Did you find Gingerbrat?" asked Becky.

Mira soon realizes that Sue had escaped with Ginger in her arms while she was sulking. In one loud cry, Mira uttered in her native Urdu language a phrase that probably included "Allah" and "fuck" next to each other. After that long cry, Mira runs out of the erotic torture chamber's secondary entrance. Despite the grave possibilities of Ginger liking Becky, Mira feels that rescuing her is top priority.

"Mira yells funny," said Red.

"What's going on with her?" Becky wondered as she scratches the back of one of her wolf ears.

Outside and on the docks, Sue tosses into her own personal luxury motorboat called "Catfish" a bound Ginger and the wooden box containing the glass slipper fragment. Then silent shots of darts are being fired. Sue quickly shoots back with her enema rifle.

Sue jumps into the boat and drives off to avoid more shots from Mira's special gun. Mira frantically looks around for another boat, but instead finds a black helicopter sitting idly at the heliport. She immediately gets inside of it and starts it. Becky, Red, and HLS catch up to her.

She looks at them and yells, "Don't just stand there! Get inside damn you!"

"Is something wrong with Mira, Grandma?" Red asked.

"Just do as she says," replied Becky.

"But the fragment!"

"We can always get it later."

"Oh, okay."

HLS, Becky, and Red begin to board the helicopter as it takes off.

"Red Little!" cried Charlotte.

Red turns around and suddenly catches large special rifle Charlotte had just threw to her. Red falls back due to the weight of the rifle. Standing before her on the heliport are Celeste, Cecilia, and Charlotte--the Ellas--looking back up to Red. Only Charlotte's unnoticeable smile implies that Red should be careful.

"Thank you!" Red yelled back to them.

Although the flying is choppy, Mira manages to successfully pilot the Cyclone above the Rio Grande River for the chase. Becky scrambles to the copilot seat and buckles herself in. Red tries to maintain balance while setting up her high-powered sniper rifle.

"Red!" Mira screamed. "Stop that boat!"

"I'm on it!" acknowledged Red.

At the edge of the helicopter, Red positions herself, takes aim, and fires. The bullet nearly hits the bound Ginger.

"Damnit!" cursed Ginger. "Watching your aim!"

"Sorry, Ginger," said Red.

"Aw, fuck, my butt!"

Ginger's bowels are roaring. She is straining herself to hold her excrements for Becky. She looks up and sees her in the copilot seat.

I must find a way to get naked, Ginger thought. She immediately begins to work her way out the ropes holding her hands and feet together.

While holding onto the steering wheel, Sue turns around and fires her enema rifle back at the copter. The enema bullet strikes Red's arm.

"Grandma, I have to go to the bathroom," Red announced.

"Be quick about it," said Becky, "and do it over the hatch."


As Red pulls down her pants and poops over the door, Mira speeds up the helicopter and gets ahead of the Catfish. Red's liquefied excrements splatter all over the boat, Ginger, and Sue.

"Shit!" cursed Sue as she revs up her beloved Catfish.

The Catfish is now ahead of the Cyclone once again. Inside the helicopter, Red hobbles to the cockpit with a distressed look.

"What is it now?" demanded Mira.

"I need toilet paper," said Red.

Mira must have cursed something in Urdu as she searches the nearby compartments for something to wipe Red's ass with.

Back on the boat, Ginger manages to untie herself through all of the confusion. She leaps to her feet, wipes Red's shit off her head, and then takes off her clothes.

"Feast your eyes on this, Sis!" Ginger yelled as she turns her butt towards the Cyclone.

Finally, Ginger let everything out of her anus.

Unfortunately, Becky couldn't see it--plus, it was too dark to see. The reason being is that when Mira saw her beloved Ginger naked, blood rushed to her head so fast that blood gushed out of her nose and splattered all over the windshield. She lost control, and Becky panicked and tried to prevent the helicopter from crashing into the canyon walls. About the same time, Red and HLS slid around precariously in the middle passenger seats of the helicopter. As they did so, Red inadvertently got her ass cleaned by rubbing it on HLS's back.

To Ginger however, she believes that she had succeeded. Thus, she lets out a big huzzah.

"What's going on?" Sue wondered. Turns around and takes a step forward. Suddenly, she slips on Ginger's feces and falls. She hits her head on the side of the boat and is then knocked out.

The boat, Catfish, spirals out of control until he crashes into a river shore. By that time, Becky regains control of the helicopter from a dazed Mira and begins to search for the boat they were in pursuit of.

"Did you see where they went, Red-chan?" Becky asked.

"No, I didn't," replied Red.

"Ginger..." gurgled Mira. "Please come back to me."

Becky circled Cyclone around the river and canyon and eventually found the boat as well as Ginger, who was washing herself in the river. She lands the helicopter, and Mira springs out to embrace Ginger.

"Oh, Ginger!" Mira cried. "You are all right! You are all right! Thank Allah she is all right!"

"Stop it Pakistani girl!" cried Ginger. "You're hurting my butt! Aw, fuck!"

Red, Becky, and HLS immediately head to the grounded boat to discover the box containing the glass slipper fragment. Red opens it up and becomes delighted of the mission's success.

Just as Sue recovers consciousness, Mira springs from nowhere and throws her out of the boat. She knocks her down to the floor and starts kicking and beating repeatedly while cursing in Urdu.

"Okay Mira," said Becky. "I don't think she will be a threat anymore."

"Jeez Mira," said Ginger as she puts her sneak suit back on, "even though I enjoy watching people get beat up, you should really relax."

"The second rule of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology is..." Red starts to recite.

"GINGER KICK!" Ginger silences Red by kicking her high into the air.

Mira finally calms down and turns back to her group.

"Ginger, Becky," Mira started, "I didn't realize the relationship you two had."

"What relationship?" asked Becky.

"Are you high?" Ginger asked.

"I know you two like each other, and I will respect that as long as I live."

"Like each other?" gasped Ginger. "Egad, fuck no!"

"There's no way I can like Gingerbrat!" Becky cried out.

"That reminds me, Sis, did you get pissed by my wonderful scat performance?"

"What scat performance?"

"You didn't see it?"


"B-but my feces are splattered all over the boat!"

"They look like my feces!" Red announced.

"You're just making stuff up, Gingerbrat," said Becky.


Ginger runs back to the boat and grabs the Enema Rifle. She takes a dart and injects it to her butt. She strips once more and squats before Becky.

"Finally, I'll be able to piss you off!" Ginger declared.

"You wouldn't!" said Becky.

"And I will!"

After ten seconds of grunting, all Ginger could produce is a loud fart.

"FUCK!" she yelled. She starts jumping up and down with legs spread and knees bent in order produce something out of her ass.

"Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out!" Ginger screamed to her anus.

"Are you done?" Becky asked. "We're about to leave without you." Becky along with Red, Mira, and HLS have already boarded the Cyclone. Ginger quickly picks up her suit and the Enema Rifle and then boards the helicopter.

Ginger wanted to pilot Cyclone, but Becky forbade her to do so. Upon responding to Ginger's usual "fat ass" name-calling, Becky soon discovered that spanking her while piloting a helicopter was not a good idea. As with many vehicles in the past, they crashed the Cyclone in the middle of the desert. Luckily, everyone survived, although Ginger emerged with a swollen ass.

As they traced the path back to Arlen, the girls met up with Dale Gribble by his smoldering van. His clothes are torn from all the gang-banging the coyotes had done to him ever since he ran away from the girls. After waving hi to him, Red shot him with the Enema Rifle upon Ginger's insistence.

"What did you girls shoot me with?" he cried out.

"Enema gun!" Red smiled.

Dale hides behind his destroyed van and poops out everything he ate. Then suddenly, coyotes appear. Apparently, the pheromones are still in effect, and thus Dale runs away screaming like a little girl while being chased by the horny coyotes.

Afterwards, the girls continue their journey. As they did, Ginger made Red shoot anything that moves with the Enema Rifle, or Enema Gun. That includes rabbits, tortoises, lizards, and even coyotes. Ginger laughed at the sight of the various animals pooping involuntary. She almost wished that Becky's other weakness was animal scat.

Out of respect, Red did not fire on the two female coyotes HLS shagged.

When they entered the Arlen city limits, Red also shot unsuspecting people with the enema gun until she ran out of enema darts. Ginger also enjoyed such a sight. Too bad they didn't poop out in the open with their clothes off.

Thus, Mira promised Ginger and Red that she would synthesize more enema darts for their enjoyment. That made them very happy. However, it also disturbed Becky greatly.

The Ellas find themselves back in Darryl Güse's office. Darryl had just passed through Sapphism no Gensô, and feels forlorn for finishing one of the few are gems of the Japanese adult computer game market.

"The mission is accomplished, Mother Güse," stated Celeste. "William Pecos has been silenced."

"Plus, I got his hot dog and meatballs off him!" announced Cecilia.

"You poor thing," muttered Charlotte.

"I take it you have run into Olde Wolfe Ears and her troupe," said Darryl.

"Indeed," said Celeste. "Watching them in person, I surmise that they are quite formidable, although their skills are a bit lacking."

"And so how is Cindi?"

"Alive and in one piece, unfortunately," said Cecilia.

"She seems to be holding back in her skills," added Charlotte.

"I see," said Darryl. "Very well then. You three are dismissed."

"Thank you, Mother Güse," said Celeste.

Celeste and her two daughters bow and then exit the office. Right after her butler closes the door, Darryl leans over and presses a button on her intercom.

"Penny," she started. "Please send my prepared letter to Dick Cheney of Halliburton Energy Services."

"Yes ma'am," replied Penny, who is Darryl's secretary.

The letter that Darryl wants to send is a terse message stating that Cheney's rival, "Bill" Pecos, has been silenced. The chaos caused by the assassination of the businessman will certain dampen the efforts for Pecos Petroleum Industries (PPI) to fund George W. Bush's upcoming 2000 campaign for the United States presidency. With that in mind, Halliburton will fill the campaign void left by PPI, and thus would win important seats in the Bush's cabinet, if he were elected.

Pecos's assassination was just one of the small clandestine jobs Darryl gets into in order fund her growing underground empire.


i - I wonder how much money I would make if I sold a product called "Vagina Juice"? Also, it seems that there is drink you could make yourself with the same name at

ii - The lyrics are from "Unforgiven" sung by Metallica.

Chapter 13

Title: Unnecessary Crossover #1 [Or, How Chloe Lost her Email]

Chapter 13: Unnecessary Crossover #1 [or, How Chloe Lost her E-mail]

A purple-haired and green-cloaked stoic girl walked underneath the moonlight in the streets of Paris along with a quiet Japanese (perhaps) 16-year old and a trendy and somewhat worldly blonde Corsican older girl. She already knew that the Japanese girl had a dual-prong fork tucked underneath the sleeve of her pink sweater. Thus, she turned around to stare deeply into her eyes.

The purple-haired girl grabbed the Japanese girl's right arm and abruptly lifted it up to her sight with the palm facing up. Grasping it with confidence, the purple-haired one pulled out the fork. She inspected it, smiled, and asked of the Japanese if she could keep it. Her new friend did not answer, for it seemed futile to give one anyway. And so, the purple-haired girl slipped into one of knife holsters and became the new owner of that lowly fork.

"Let us have tea again," she said to her new friends. "Someday..."

And so the purple-haired girl in the green cloak started off on her long trek to her home, the Manor, which is in an area in Europe forgotten by time. Then again, there aren't really that many places forgotten by time, especially in Europe. So in some sense it is really easy to find such places using satellite imagery, travel books, or just by asking the locals.

But what really raises her ire is the distance she is forced to cover on foot. Her mother-like matriarch, Altena, told her to make use technology as little as possible in order to be an effective assassin. Deep in Chloe's mind, traveling to and from the Manor through walking is a pain in the ass.

To see her "mother's" smiling face when she arrives home immediately makes her forget the trouble walking home. So Chloe embraces Altena with open arms like an obedient child. Chloe loves her "mother" very much, and Altena reciprocates her love as if she is one.

One day, Chloe made an unusual request to Altena. Even though the use of high technology is forbidden, Chloe really wanted a computer so she can send emails to her new friend, particularly to Kirika.

"What is this 'email' you are talking about?" asked Altena.

"They say it is short for 'electronic mail'," replied Chloe. "It is how the two in Paris receive most of their assignments."

"Electronic mail?"

"It is like sending regular mail, but somehow they get letters on the computer."

"I see. But Chloe, you know about our policy."

"I understand, Altena."

"But since this is the other sapling we are talking about, I suppose having one these 'computers' would not hurt. I will ask Esteban to get you one when he picks up the wine that we created."

Chloe's face lit up, and she immediately hugged Altena with utter glee.

"Thank you so much!" she wept.

Not far from the manor, there is a blue 80's model American SUV trudging its way down the dirt road in the scenic barrenness of the land forgotten by time--in Europe. Inside this SUV in the back seat sits a cosmopolitan-dressed Muslim Pakistani lesbian, a female Doberman pincher with a prosthetic nose hanging off her collar, and tomboyish bespectacled young girl scribbling obscenities and ways to rip people off in her Apple Newton. In the driver's seat sits a handsome and masculine young woman with dark hair and wolf ears on the top of her head, and in the passenger's seat sits a child-like seventeen year-old with cherry red hair and a red cloak and hood. This little girl is busying herself playing with Barbie doll versions of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera--in a steamy lesbian make-out scene.

"Are we there yet?" moaned Ginger as she punches away on her Newton.

"No," replied Becky the wolf-eared driver.

"Are we there yet?"


"Are we there yet?"


"Are we lost yet?"


"Wrong answer Sis! We're lost as hell thanks to you!"

"Whose fault it is for getting those farmers pissed and chasing us out of town?"

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that gesture was offensive to them?"

"It is. It's in the book you bought."

"Oh, that. Well, I'm damn proud buying The Encyclopedia of Offensive Cultural Gestures. But seriously, where the hell are we? We're in the fucking middle of nowhere--in Europe! How sad is that?"

"I'm sure we'll run into something, Ginger," said Mira, the Pakistani lesbian.

"I'm definitely gonna run this Apple Newton into Sis's fat--"

"Don't you dare say it!" Becky snapped.

All of a sudden, their SUV choked, and choked until it slowed to a stop. With all eyes on her, Becky turned the key and attempted to start the vehicle back up again, but to no avail.

So the girls and their dog, HLS, leap out of their vehicle to stretch and then attempt to diagnose the problem with their American SUV. Becky opened the hood of their car and became overwhelmed with the stereotypical white steam of car trouble. Meanwhile, the redheaded Red Little went off to the side of the road to continue to play lesbian pop-stars. Mira and HLS walked out to smell the fresh air, and Ginger pulled out her satellite finder device out of her laptop bag in order to find a signal.

"Um, guys," said Becky. "Do any of you know how to fix a car?"

"You're probably out of gas, ass," said Ginger.

"Did you--"

"I only said ass. Don't have a cow, Sis."

"Do you know how to fix a car?"

"Sure I can!... um, I need an internet connection to download the service manual, and seeing that we are in the middle of nowhere."

"Is there an owner's manual in the glove compartment, Miss Wolfe?" Mira asked.

"Red-chan burned it using Ginger's matches," replied Becky.

"Yeah, it was so cool," Ginger said. "That and the one church burned down so beautifully!"

"Which is another reason why they drove us out of town," mumbled Becky.

"But your second rule of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology is that you should be relaxed--not them."

"True, but pissing them off is getting us nowhere."

"Is the car sick Grandma?" Red asked as she arrived to hood of the automobile.

"Uh, yeah Red-chan. The car's sick, but Grandma will take care of everything."

"Maybe I can fix it."


Red pulls out two pistols and aims it at the car's engine. Mira, Ginger, and HLS gasp in utter horror for they know what is about to happen next.

"Oh shit!" Ginger cursed. "Hit the deck!"

Red fires all of her bullets into the engine. Mira, Ginger, and HLS run off to take cover, and Becky pulls the sweet, innocent, and ignorant Red off the ground and runs to safety as the vehicle explodes into one large fireball. The blast lifted Becky and Red off their feet and sent them hurtling into the air. Seconds later, they descend to roll and tumble onto the dirt road. Becky slowly rises up to watch the exploded car burn away.

"At least I don't have to worry about fixing it," smiled Becky.

"That's great Sis," said Ginger. "And we're gonna die--in Europe."

"It couldn't be that bad," said Mira.

"Shut-up Mira."


Gathering whatever they can salvage from their SUV, Becky and the other girls marched their way on the lifeless dirt road across the middle of nowhere in Europe. About a miles so, their legs became tired, and they trudged along like zombies. Then their stomachs growled, and all of them began sweating.

"Are we there yet?" Ginger moaned.

"No," said Becky, who is in the lead.

"Are we there yet?"


"Are we there yet?"


"Are we dead yet?"

"No. Now shut-up."

"It's all your fault Sis."

"How is it my fault?"

"I would of stolen the orange Volkswagen, but no, you wanted to go for the unreliable American car."

"Actually, they're both pretty unreliable," said Mira.

"Shut-up Mira."

"My lips are sealed," Mira winks.

"Grandma, my legs are tired," whined Red.

"Okay, Red-chan," said Becky. "Get on my back."


Red leapt onto Becky's back, and the two resumed their trek.

Watching the two lovebirds, Mira had an idea.

"Say, Ginger," Mira blushed. "If you're tired, you I can carry you on my back."

"Now you're talkin' Miss Hindu!" cried Ginger.

"I'm Muslim."


Ginger forcefully leapt onto Mira's back and caused her to temporarily lose her balance.

"Onward mighty Kyrgyzstan steed!" Ginger cried out. "And let's beat Sis and Red in the process!"

She wasn't going anywhere. Ginger looks down to see Mira's legs shaking.

"I'm so sorry Ginger," wept Mira. "You simply weigh too--oh!"

Mira collapsed to the ground with Ginger on her back. Of course, Mira is awfully glad to have Ginger on her even though she is just taking advantage of her. Pissed, Ginger starts kicking and hitting Mira's head.

"Get up you horse!" Ginger yelled. "Sis and Red are getting away from us! Oh, great! Now they disappeared!"

"Disappeared?" wondered Mira. "That's not possible. This is a flat road."

Ginger leapt off of Mira and looked around. Becky and Red are nowhere in sight.

"Those bitches ditched us!" exclaimed Ginger.

Mira struggles back to her feet, stretches, and starts dusting herself off.

"Well, now that we're alone," Mira blushed. "Perhaps we could..."

"HLS!" cried Ginger. "Go find them!"

"Woof!" acknowledged HLS.

Ginger and Mira picked up their usual belongings as they followed HLS down the road. Their canine companion suddenly turned a sharp right and went down an incline and ended up on a watery creek. There, they found Becky and Red on their butts dazed and confused.

"What happened to you guys?" Mira asked them.

"We fell," said Becky.

"We went down together!" Red blared out.

"I would not find that surprising," noted Ginger.

Suddenly, HLS ran away from them towards the East.

"Hey, where's the dog goin'?" asked Ginger.

"HLS!" Mira cried out. "Wait!"

The girls got back to their feet and chased after HLS until they reached the top of another incline overlooking a very expansive vineyard.

"A vineyard," said Mira.

"A vineyard?" repeated Becky. "Vineyards have grapes, and that means--BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!"

In a mad frenzy, Becky kicked up tons of smoke-like dust and charged down the hill towards a ruined and weather-beaten stone building that might serve as an alcoholic beverage storehouse.

"You idiot!" cried Ginger. "Grapes make wine!"

Ginger retains her anger as her stomach growled in unison with Red and Mira's stomachs. Driven by instinctual hunger, the three ran down to the vineyard and immediately started to devour the grapes.

Red gave HLS some grapes, but the black Doberman threw it up after munching on it for a while.

"Why won't HL-Snagglepuss eat the grapes?" Red asked.

"Grapes are bad for dogs," said Mira. "They get renal failure if they eat too much."

"Anal failure?" asked Ginger.

"Renal failure. It means that the kidneys fail to function properly."

"I did not know that..."

After swallowing the grape that was in her mouth, Ginger pulls out her Apple Newton PDA to jot down a note titled "Foods that will kill dogs." She then starts a list beginning with grapes.

"So what else kills dogs?" Ginger asked.

"Chocolate," replied Mira.

"Uh-huh. And what else?"

"Onions, Macadamia nuts, antifreeze..."

Unbeknownst to the girls was that a purple-haired girl dressed in a white shirt and khaki pants was picking grapes across from the field. Being a skilled assassin that she is, Chloe always carried with her a couple of throwing knives to strike down any intruder who dared trespass in the manor.

Even before Becky and the girls arrived at the field, Chloe hid herself beneath the bush line and stealthily crawled closer and closer to them with one knife in her hand. Although conversation between these three female strangers is light and yet silly, she dared not underestimate them. The one that gave her a bad feeling was the red-haired girl who seemed to be shoving the grapes happily down her throat.

Suddenly, Red stopped eating. Then she quietly chewed and swallowed all the crushed grapes in her mouth. Slowly she reaches her hand into her side for her pistol.

"And that is why we should not be feeding her table scraps," continued Mira.

"Aw come on!" cried Ginger. "Dogs are supposed to eat anything that we don't want, like bone, cow testicles, and whatnot. But you have a point when you said HLS is getting slightly overweight. She certainly developed into a fat ass."

"Grrrrr," growled HLS.

"That is not very nice thing to say to her," noted Mira.

"Ow, and what is she going to do? Spank me? Bite my ass?"

"Ginger get down!" Red cried.


Just then, a knife strikes Ginger's right butt.

"Oh, fuck!" Ginger screamed. "My butt!"

Just then, Mira wets her panties--not with urine, though.

With serious eyes, Red shoves Mira and Ginger into the round and fires two shots at the source of the knife. Their hidden assailant disappears and quickly dashes away.

As Ginger clutches her bleeding butt, Red leaps over the bushes and gives chase to Chloe. After spotting her, Red jumps over another bush and plunges the barrel of her gun straight towards her head. It's point blank, but Red could not shoot as Chloe has her knife just a half-millimeter from her neck.

"Chloe!" Altena cried out. "Stand down!"

"You too Red-chan!" Becky cried out.

Red and Chloe break from their stalemate and re-holster weapons. Mira, Ginger, and HLS emerge from hiding shortly afterwards. They all look to see the priestly Altena and Becky standing together from the doorway of the building. Becky has a bottle of wine in her hand and is drinking it down every few seconds.

"Please do not kill them dear Chloe," said Altena. "They are our guests for the moment."

"I am sorry, Altena," bowed Chloe.

"I am terribly sorry about the misunderstanding Miss Wolfe. We do not get many visitors here."

"I'll say," said Becky. "We're in the middle of nowhere--in Europe."

"Actually, we're close to the border of Spain and France."

"...I knew that."

"No you didn't, Sis!" screamed Ginger. "You thought we were in Greece or something!"

"But the ruins around here looked like it..."

"Please come in," said Altena. "All of you must be tired from you journey."

As the other girls walk in, Red and Chloe give one last serious stare at each other until Red smiled her full force of playful innocence.

"My name is Red Little!" Red said as she extends her right hand out.

Sensing her friendliness, Chloe smiled her full force of innocent slyness. Then she extended her right hand to shake Red's

"Charmed," said Chloe as she shook. "I am Chloe."

"Let's be friends!" declared Red.

"That would be wonderful."

Once inside, Altena and Mira brought Ginger to the kitchen. There they patched up Ginger's wound on her butt, and once again Ginger rejects Mira's offer to kiss it to make it feel better.

"God this is place is in ill need of repair," said Ginger.

"I find this place to be perfectly adequate for our needs," said Altena.

"That's if you want to live in the dark ages."

"In a sense, this world is still in the dark ages."

"You got no electricity woman. How dark age can you get?"

"Electricity? I have heard of that term before..."

Altena then gave a tour of the ancient building and showed them the great hall, the bath, the weapons chamber, and the torture chamber. Ginger was slightly disappointed with the latter two chambers because the weapons were rusting and outdated, and the torture chamber has been empty for ages.

"Why are there no torture devices in this room?" Ginger complained. "You've got the suckiest torture chamber ever!"

"Torturing is not necessary here," replied Altena. "Our saplings are well aware of the consequences should they ever fail their trial."

"In other words, two women alone won't be able to maintain the upkeep of this place," said Becky. "So keeping prisoners alive is too much of a burden."

"That's no fun," said Ginger. "But tell me, where you keep the dead bodies?"

"Esteban takes them off our hands," said Chloe.

"Esteban? I thought only you two live alone here."

"Esteban is our groundskeeper and handyman," said Altena. "He only comes here twice a week."

"I see."

"Mistress Altena," Becky started, "I know we are being a bit of bother to you, but would you mind allowing us to stay a couple of days?"

"You are more than welcome to," smiled Altena.

"Thank you so much!" Becky turns to her group and says, "Girls, we're staying here!"

"What the fuck?" cursed Ginger. "Like hell we're staying in this dingy place!"

"Of course we are, so shut-up. Besides, I think we're close to our target."

"You only want to stay here because of the wine you fat butt!"

"What did you say?"

"I said fat butt. Jeez, you're getting unnecessarily trippy, Sis."

"Ah, that reminds me," started Altena, "since Miss Baker looks to be a computer expert, perhaps you can help my dear Chloe with her computer problem."

"First of all, you have no electricity. That's the problem."

"If you would be so kind to at least take a look. She really needs to use this 'e-mail' technology I keep hearing about."

"Well, my services are not cheap, and judging by the way things look around here I will only accept anything gold or silver as legal tender."

"I promise that you will be rewarded fully."

"Hot diggity!" Ginger then puts a friendly hand on Chloe's shoulder. "Okay, Purple, show me to your computer."

"Purple?" said Chloe.

"Yeah, I'm talkin' to you Purple."

"Why are you calling me Purple?"

"'Cuz you have purple hair. And Red is named so because she has red hair."

"Sometimes Ginger likes to call me Donkeycunt," said Red.

"That's nice Donkeycunt. Now let's go."

As Altena led Becky and Mira to their guest rooms, Chloe led Ginger, Red, and HLS to her own room, which is the same as all of the other rooms that has a bed, a dresser, and a desk.

"Here it is," Chloe said.

When Ginger's eyes fell on Chloe's computer, she laughed so hard that she fell to her knees. Numerous times she tried to regain composure, but Ginger could not hold her joy until five minutes has passed.

"I had to let it out," she said.

"What's so funny?" Chloe asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. I think the problem here is that you're using a very old computer."

"Esteban said it worked for his mother--before she died of pneumonia."

"Therein lies the problem. You see this computer is the original Apple Macintosh released in 1984. The monitor has a strange logo burned in, I can smell the capacitors leaking, and even if you did have electricity, this thing does not have a 10/100 Ethernet card let a alone a dial-up modem to connect to the Internet."

"So the computer is bad?"

"More precisely the computer is junk. I'll show you a real computer."

From her laptop bag, Ginger pulls out her latest IBM laptop and opens it up so the screen and keyboard are showing.

"This is a IBM Thinkpad 240, one of the lightest notebook computers on the market," said Ginger.

"It's so small," said Chloe. "Can I buy that off you?"

"Hmm, it took a lot of work for me to steal this thing from the IBM development laboratories. Tell you what, I'll sell you my Thinkpad 770."

"Then it is a deal."

"But we also have to solve the problem of not just electricity, but an Internet connection. In order to get those things, you need is a couple of high-powered generators, a satellite transmitter, a whole mess of IBM rackmount servers, a satellite dish for the big screen TV, a THX surround-sound home theater system complete with a DVD player, and leather couches. These things are very expensive you know."

"I'm sure Altena will pay for it."

"Excellent," Ginger grimaced.

"I guess Esteban will have to bring all those items here."

"Esteban will break his back trying haul that crap."

"I'll have Altena prepare a letter to send to him."

"A letter? Is something wrong with you Purple? It will take forever to get these things! Don't you at least have a telephone here? Or a telegraph line?"

"Our service provider merged with the phone company and then discontinued telegraph service. So we communicate to Esteban via carrier pigeon."

"Carrier pigeon? Oh..."

Ginger suddenly remembered that during the tour of the outside of the Manor main building she threw a canister of nerve gas she pilfered from Mira's bag into the pigeon coop, for she wanted to see pigeons heads explode, which they didn't. Instead, they simply danced, shook, and broke their own backs in their afflicted convulsions.

"Um, yeah," said Ginger. "About those pigeons you showed us..."

"Yes?" said Chloe.

"They flew away."


"Yeah, Red and I were in there, and we scared the shit out of HLS, who then ran off and scared the shit out of the pigeons. Red was stupid enough to open the cages and then they flew away. Yeah, that's what happened."

"That's too bad. I guess we'll have to walk to town to place the order. Would you like to come with me?"

"Sure Chloe!" Red said.

"I'll come too," said Ginger. "But first, Red and I have to do something... unrelated... to the pigeons... Isn't that right Red?"


"Let's go!"

Ginger grabs Red's hand and the two run off.

"Those are strange girls," said Chloe.

With the help of Mira, Ginger and Red dug a hole by the pigeon coop and threw all of the dead pigeons into it. They torched the pigeons, and after the fire died down the plugged up the hole hoping that the older woman and young purple-haired living in the lonely manor do not find out about their transgression.

"I hope you guys learned your lesson," said Becky, who had been watching them the whole time.

"Of course we did," said Ginger. "Nerve gas does not necessary make pigeon's heads explode."

"That's not exactly what I expected."

"Then what it is the lesson then?"

"Let me think..."

Just then, Chloe and Altena appear from the building, Red, Ginger, and Mira threw their shovels aside and put on a show of smiles for them.

"Are you guys ready?" Chloe asked.

"Yes we are," replied Ginger.

"Um, do you mind if I came with you girls?" Mira asked. "I hope you don't mind an older woman hanging out with you, but I would like to see the Iberian countryside."

"We would not mind," said Chloe.

"Just don't get in our way when we make quick work of the town," said Ginger. "Isn't that right Red?"

"Ginger sometimes puts the hands of the unconscious on the butts and crotches of others," said Red.


In a hammer-like strike, Ginger hits on Red squarely on the top of the head. It did not hurt.

And so Becky and Altena bid the girls farewell. Joined by HLS, Ginger, Red, Mira, and Chloe begin their long trek through the rocky flats to the next town, wherever that may be.

"How long is it to the next town?" asked Ginger.

"About at an hour," replied Chloe.

"An hour? Don't you have a bicycle?"


"A horse?"


"An ass?"


"Then what's this here?" Ginger asked as she pinched Chloe's butt.

"That's my butt."

"That's your ass, ass, which is the American term for butt."

"Let's sing a song!" Red cried.


"I'm in," said Chloe.

"So am I," said Mira.

"What song to you want to sing?"

"Britney Spears's 'Hit me Baby one more time'!"

The group fell silent. Chloe does not know the lyrics let alone know who she is. Mira and Ginger know exactly who Britney is, but they pretended that they never heard of her. Both of them envied Chloe's ignorance of this manufactured pop star child of the RIAA.

"I do not know that song," said Chloe.

"How about Aluetta?" Mira suggested.

"I know that song."

"I do too," Ginger said, "and I don't want to hear it."

"Do you know that song, Red?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then let's start."

"Oh no. Don't you dare start!"

For the rest of the way, Red, Mira, Chloe, and even HLS sang at the top of their lungs foreign-language children's songs that irritated Ginger to near madness. For them, the entire trip became shorter, although for Ginger it was a long hell. They had finally stopped singing when the reached town.

On her Apple Newton PDA, Ginger scribbled down her companion's names in the revenge list in addition to Fat-Ass (Becky), Bitch (Britney Spears), Cunt (Christina Aguilera), and U.S. Supreme Court judge William H. Rehnquist.

The town they arrived looks as if the girls were transported to old time Europe one hundred years ago despite the few phone cables hanging between the buildings and the occasionally sighting of a car. The people, most of whom are farmers and herders, go about the usual town business, but for some strange reason they spoke a strange language. Chloe, who is partially versed in that language, says it is Basque. Thankfully, at least more than a quarter of them can speak French and/or Spanish, although less than one eighth can speak fluent English. The Basques prefer to speak their native language when in their own village or town, and the major language of the country they reside in elsewhere.

Although Ginger is fluent in Spanish, she is surprised that all of her other colleagues are multi-lingual as well--Red especially, although she sometimes say outrageous, indecent, kinky, and sometimes gross things to other people. To those who spoke and understood only Basque such as the elderly, Chloe hesitantly translated Red's remarks.

At the town, Mira busied herself buying and bartering at the local food market with help with Chloe. Chloe, as it turns out, is well respected by the townsfolk and many of them offer gifts that she politely declines. Some were too pushy in their generosity, so Chloe accepted the gifts on the basis that they give them to her new friends. This made Mira's shopping for food ingredients much easier and cheaper.

As HLS busied herself shagging the dogs with her double dildo strap-on, Ginger and Red head to the hotel where a public telephone is located. The hotel is small and old, but it is clean and retains most of the European classiness one would very rarely find on the highways of the United States of America.

Red busied herself talking to the lone hotel manager, who happens to fluent in English. Ginger, on the other hand toyed with the old rotary phone that she quietly cursed at the outdated technology. However, she did not come here to make a simple phone call. Instead, she purposely breaks the phone for sinister reasons.

"Um, sir," she said. "The phone is broke."

"Really?" replied the Basque hotel manager. He comes out of the front desk to walk over to check it out.


"I am terribly sorry madam. I wish I can do something about this, but it will take a day for the repairman to come over here."

"Oh, no need to worry. For you see, I myself have the ability to repair these things. I can fix it for you!"

"I'm not so sure..."

"Don't believe me? Here's my card."

Ginger hands the manager a white business card. On it reads "Donna Trump - International Telephone Repair Extraordinaire".

"If what the card says is true, then you have my permission to repair this phone," said the hotel manager.

"I'll get to work right away," said Ginger.

"Thank you so much!"

As the hotel manager went back to resume his desk duty, Ginger mumbled "sucker" under her breath as she went on "repairing" the telephone, which really didn't that much of a repair. Instead, she is hacking it so that she will be able to connect to the Internet with her black IBM Thinkpad laptop.

"Did you order Chloe's Internet?" Red asked her.

"Not yet Doodoobutt," said Ginger. "These things take time."

Ginger is an excellent multitasker. Right now, she is having a heated IRC chat session with a college student named Shawn Fanning, downloading songs from the internet using Napster, placing custom UPS international orders under a fake name, and ordering the list of items to get Chloe's internet under a stolen identity. Unfortunately, the copper in the telephone lines is of low quality, and the connection is a painfully slow 33.6 kilobits per second.

"This is why I hate small towns," grumbled Ginger. "Massive packet loss and piss-poor connections."

About an hour passed, Mira and Chloe arrive in the hotel lobby to join Ginger in her Internet experience.

"So how is it going?" Mira asked.

"Bad," Ginger replied. "The connection is slow as hell."

"Perhaps you can do me a favor and look up a person for me," Chloe said.

"What, did he piss you off or something?"

"No. She is a dear friend of mine, which is the reason why I want to use email."

"I see. I'll see what I can do."

In about an hour, Ginger's hacking abilities allowed her to pull up all of the data she has on Kirika Yñmura.

"Kirika Yñmura," said Ginger. "Lives in Paris with Mireille Bouquet. Looks like the Japanese girl already taken by the blonde chick--if you know what I mean. Wink-wink."

"Kirika and the Corsican are partners."

"They're married?"

"I think Chloe meant that two of them work together as assassins," said Mira.

"They're not lovers," said Chloe.

"Oh," said Ginger. "Well, I'm not sure about that. Those two are awfully close for just being mere partners in crime since that they always sleep in the same bed and whatnot."

"Do you have her email address?"

"Of course I do, but it's gonna cost you."

"It's!" cried Red after reading the data.

"God damnit Red, shut the hell up!"

Ginger picks up her laptop and repeatedly bashes onto Red's head until it breaks and shatters. The IBM ThinkPad 240 is no more.

"Now you owe me a new laptop!" Ginger cried.

"Calm down Ginger," said Mira. "Remember the second rule of Assassin-Mercenary Methodology."

"The second rule of..." Red started.

"Screw the Assassin-Mercenary Methodology!" yelled Ginger.

As Mira and Chloe tend to Red's bleeding head wound, the hotel manger approaches Ginger apologetically.

"Madam," said the manager, "have you fixed the phone?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," smiled Ginger. "Apparently there was loose wire under the dial."

"So where should I send the bill?"

"Don't worry, it's on me."

The four girls left the hotel and joined up with HLS who had just finished shagging all of the female dogs in town. They then start to head back to the Manor.

"You did order the parts necessary for me to send and receive email, did you?" Chloe asked.

"Yes I did," said Ginger.

"Ginger," said Mira. "I was surprised at your generosity."

Ginger starts to chuckle. "Generosity?" she said. "The owners were generous enough to sign the deed to the hotel to me."

"But I didn't see the owners," said Red.

"Nor did I see you sign anything," added Mira.

"Did I?" smiled Ginger.

In Ginger's mind, the owners did sign away the hotel to Ginger, at least virtually. She had just hacked into the French databases and put in false yet convincing data that the hotel is now under the legal ownership of Ginger Baker.

All of a sudden, the hotel they were just in exploded. Soon enough, military helicopters descended into the town causing the people to take flight. French U.N. soldiers appeared and swarmed the entire town armed with night-vision goggles and assault rifles. All around the girls, a gunfight is erupting between the soldiers and some of the armed townsfolk.

The girls took cover at a back alleyway.

"What the crap is going on?" cried Ginger. "My hotel! They blew up my hotel!"

"It seems that they were hiding the ETA here," said Chloe.

"Euskadi Ta Askatasuna," said Mira. "A leftist Basque paramilitary group wanted for acts of terrorism."

"Shouldn't you be involved Chloe?" asked Red.

"Not unless I have direct orders from Altena," said Chloe. "For now, we must escape back to the manor."

As the girls ran to safety, a distraught Ginger lingered behind.

"My hotel," she cried. "My hotel... Damn you Estimated Time of Arrival! I wanted to burn that place down along with the village!"

As the sun went down, the girls minus Ginger sang more European children's songs while marching back to the Manor.

Even though finding the glass slipper fragment is a high priority, Becky and the girls became lazy and settled into the Manor as if it is their new home. Soon enough, the "necessary" items arrived via Esteban. How he moved it is a mystery, and the strangest thing is that none of girls had seen Esteban yet. Altena claims that she sees him everyday, but they have their doubts on that allegation.

After a bad hangover from the wine she drank last night, Becky stumbled into the unused torture chamber where Ginger is busily setting up the roomful of rackmount servers.

"Was this stuff really necessary for the purple-haired girl to check and send email?" asked Becky.

"It's necessary for me," said Ginger. "I can't waste a day distributing stolen music so I can piss off the RIAA. Right now, Napster needs kick in the boost and fast."

"Okay then. Just make sure you tell me when the home theater is put together. I want to see the porn video we made of me, Red, and Mira."

"Whatev, Sis."

So the next couple of days the girls spent their time in the Manor idling around. Red and Chloe became the best of playmates, Mira and Altena share stories and cooking ideas, Becky became drunk, HLS moans and whines because there is no female dog to shag, and Ginger amasses a server farm to distribute music files and starts putting together the home theater system. Unfortunately, she nearly forgot that she has to help Chloe set up her email.

Chloe is usually a patient girl, just like Altena, but she really wants to have an indirect conversation with her beloved Kirika. Everyday, she reminded Ginger of her desires.

"Not yet," Ginger would say, "I got to hook up the amps and preamp."

"Oh," said Chloe. "So this home theater system is necessary to check my email?"

"Uh, yeah. It is."

After the home theater system was set up in, everyone gathered to sit on black leather couches in the extra room with bowls of microwaved popcorn, soda, and wine (for Becky). Both Altena and Chloe, who are somewhat new to this home theater technology, sit and munch on popcorn in eager anticipation.

"So you girls have made your own, how you say, 'porno film?" Altena said.

"Oh, yeah," said Becky. "It rocks."

"So what's the story about?" Chloe asked.

"It's about Grandma, Mira, and me sucking each other!" Red said.


"Shh, it's about to start," said Becky.

After Ginger hooks up the digital camcorder, she forces herself into the middle of the couch. Using the multitude of remotes that controls the camcorder, the audio receiver, and the television separately, she switches the inputs and starts playing the video.

"I sure hope I can market this," smiled Ginger.

The first five minutes of the video are the credits, and the background shows HLS shagging two female dogs with her double strap-on.

"How is she doing that?" Chloe asked.

"HLS has two penises," Ginger lied.

"Really? I thought she was girl like Red said."

"You don't have to believe everything she says."

The video continues on. The first scene is a badly acted part of Red and Becky in the kitchen discussing how the day went, which then degenerated into a lick fest. Both Altena and Chloe winced at the silly eroticism, but they kept their composure.

"Oh," said Altena. "So this what a porn video is."

"There's something wrong about this," said Becky.

"What?" Ginger asked.

"I'm not getting hot off this. This video seems to be... lacking."

"Well gee, you think it's because of the cheesy acting? Where you talk about your day and cheese? Jeez."

"Ginger! Ginger!" Mira cried. "I'm coming up!"

On the video, Mira enters the scene dressed in a comical penguin costume. She starts licking Becky and Red, and tries to undress herself while doing so.

The video lasted only ten minutes. Pretty short for a porno video. Altena and Chloe were speechless at what they have just seen. Both of them are blushing, wet, and hot.

"Was I good Ginger?" Mira asked. "Was I good?"

"Um, I'm not sure about the penguin costume..." Ginger said.

"That... was most certainly interesting," breathed Altena. "I would not mind seeing it again."

"Well Ginger, you have your work cut out for you," said Becky.

"What?" Ginger cried. "I have to make a sequel? Do you know how much Gigabytes these things take! I busted my ass trying to make that Powerbook work its ass off."

"Red, your, um, performance was good," Chloe said.

"Sometimes, Grandma lactates while we have sex," said Red.

"That's... interesting to hear."

"Eww," Ginger said. "There is no way I'm gonna tape that. Not in a million years."

"So you don't like seeing me lactate?" Becky asked.

"Like I want to see your fat boob piss white calcium."

"Looks like the tables have turned Gingerbrat, 'cause I'm gonna do it in front of you to piss you off!"

"I like to see you try! Hell, I'll bet you 100K that you fail!"

"You're on!"

Becky pulls up her blouse and bra and exposes her right breast. Try as she might, she cannot get her fingers and hand to squeeze out milk.

"You lose!" Ginger cried out.

"Damnit!" Becky cursed.

"Now cough up the million dollars!"

"I don't have that money right now--and you said it was 100,000."

"No I didn't. I said a million."

"It was 100,000 Gingerbrat."

"Fine then. I'll keep your Katana and Red's guns as well. Then I'll take off 100% of salary from the store."

"You already have them, remember?"

"That's not enough. Give me more!"

"I can lactate if you don't mind Miss Wolfe," said Altena.

"Really?" said Becky. "You could?"

"I am used to such things."

"In that case I'll bet you one million gold pieces that you won't be able to do it!" challenged Ginger.

"Very well. I'll accept your challenge. If I lactate, then you will owe me two million gold pieces."

"You're on!"

Altena unbuttons and opens up her robe to expose her right breast. With unbelievable ease through her two fingers, milk starts coming out of her nipple.

"Damnit!" cursed Ginger.

"Looks like you owe them now," smiled Becky.

"No fair! She must've cheated somehow! I bet she's hooked up to a bottle between her crotch!"

"Mistress Altena, can I have a drink?" Chloe asked.

"Sure dear Chloe," said Altena.

"It will be like the old days."

"Indeed it will."

Chloe places her mouth on Altena's nipple and starts suckling peacefully. Becky and her girls dropped their jaws in utter disbelief and amazement.

"Oh my," blushed Mira.

"Ginger," said Becky.

"Way ahead of you," said Ginger.

Ginger grabs the digital camcorder and immediately starts recording Altena and Chloe's 'mother and daughter' moment.

On they day after, Chloe went to Ginger's room after her day of training. It is 4:00 PM in the afternoon, and Ginger had just gone to bed at daybreak. The purple-haired one shakes Ginger, who grumbles and slobbers on the bed.

"Ginger," said Chloe. "Ginger. You told me to wake you up today so you can help set-up your email."

"Shut-up," grumbled Ginger. "Give me money and swag."

"Altena decided to cut what you owe in half if you do it today."

Ginger slowly rises up and lets out the yawn of the ages. Dressed in her panties and t-shirt, Ginger lumbers and follows Chloe to the room. Along the way, they follow the path of blue Ethernet cable lined against the wall of the hall. The two of them passed by Mira who had just emerged from her bedroom. After seeing Ginger in her panties, Mira goes back to her bedroom to masturbate.

The blue Ethernet cable finally ends up to the IBM Thinkpad 770 sitting on the desk of Chloe's room. After entering, Ginger pulls out the chair and nearly collapses into it. She lets out another yawn and turns on the computer. After the usual boot-up process of Windows 2000, she opens up an application called Internet Explorer 5.0.

"Here's the scoop," said Ginger. "You can get a free email address at"

Ginger's head dips forward and nearly falls asleep.

"And then?" asked Chloe.

"With this email address," bolted Ginger, "you can check your email on any computer in the world as long as you have a web-browser. Now I've put you up at the sign-up page. You just need to fill out the rest of the information."


Ginger gets off the chair so Chloe can arduously type her desired email address, her access password, and all the necessary personal information to confirm her presence.

"No, no," yawned Ginger. "You have to rest your eight fingers on the home row."

"On the home key?" asked Chloe.

"Just click next Miss Purple."

Despite being a neophyte, Purple, er, Chloe starts to get the hang of typing with more than one computer and using the eraserhead pointing device positioned between the G, H, and B keys. After a couple click-throughs, a page is displayed saying that the email address has been successfully registered.

"I did it!" cheered Chloe. "I have my own email!"

"Let's break out the champagne for fuck's sake," said Ginger.

"So how would I send a message to my beloved?"

"Oh, just click on the compose button, type in her email address in the 'To' field, and write something down in the 'subject' and 'message' field."

"The what field?"

"Those white boxes."

"You wouldn't happen to know what her email address do you?"

"Red knows."

Ginger walks backward and falls into Chloe's bed.

"I'm gonna sleep in your bed," said Ginger. "I'll probably take a piss in it too..."

Ginger falls asleep.

Chloe sets out for Red. She goes to Mira, who says that Becky should know. She then goes to Becky in the wine cellar, and she says Altena was the last person who saw her. Chloe goes to Altena in the kitchen, and she says Ginger should know. Chloe walks all the way back to her room and shakes Ginger. Agitated, Ginger starts whacking Chloe with the pillow, but the young purple-haired assassin stands her ground and chooses not to hit back.

"Leave me alone with my money," groaned Ginger.

"You know where Red is right?" Chloe asked.

"HLS should know. They always hang out with each other."

"But HLS is a dog."

"Away with you Purple. Away."

Ginger falls asleep again.

Chloe sighs. She sets out again calling out for HLS throughout the Manor main building until she finds her laying on the front steps.

"HLS," said Chloe. "Do you know where your friend is?"

HLS groans and turns her head away from Chloe.

"Oh, how am I going to find Red?"

Suddenly there is a huge explosion close by. With her throwing knife in her pocket, Chloe heads over to the source where she finds Red laying in a fresh charred crater.

"Owie," said Red.

"Did you get attacked?" asked Chloe.

"No I didn't. I tried to repair the bike you had with a grenade and it exploded."

"I don't have a bike. That was the stray sick donkey named Gerrie."

"That's the bike?"

Just then, bloodied entrails of poor ol' Gerrie rained from the sky and splattered all over Chloe, Red, and their surroundings. The ass has been put out of his misery, thought Chloe.

Chloe takes Red's hand and walks her over back to the room where the laptop computer is.

"You know how to use this don't you?" asked Chloe.

"Of course I do!" smiled Red. "I use it to buy stuff from the Erotic Pet Store."

"Since you know my beloved's e-mail address, could you help me send one to her?"

"I am always willing to help!"

Red sits down on the desk chair and starts clacking her fingers onto the keyboard. She mistypes and misspells and ends up at French pornographic website. Since she is using Microsoft Internet Explorer, the computer and its operating system are bombarded with a multitude of pop-up windows, and spyware-ridden programs are being put on the computer without her permission.

"Oh no!" said Red. "I've been hacked!'

"What do we do?" asked Chloe.

"I'll just close these windows..."

Using the touchpad to control the on-screen cursor, she clicks on the 'X' of each window only to end up with three times as many pop-up windows with each one she closes. Then the computer simply froze. Touching the touchpad, the eraserhead controller, and the keyboard did nothing to wake it up.

"It crashed! It crashed!" Red cried.

Red stands up from the chair, pulls out her pistol and fires her gun at the keyboard. Electrical sparks pop out from the bullet impact, and the laptop finally shuts down. Then it catches on fire.

Red and Chloe screamed. They go over to Ginger and starts shaking her to the waking reality.

"Ginger!" Red cried out. "The computer's on fire! The computer's on fire!"

Ginger suddenly sits up. She leaps off the bed and runs from the second level to the first level and ends up in the server room that was once the torture chamber. Red and Chloe had followed her down there.

"What the hell were you smoking?" Ginger demanded. "You almost gave me a fucking heart attack! The computers are not on fire!"

"What she meant is that my laptop is on fire," said Chloe.

"Oh, that."

Ginger yawns and starts walking back to her room.

"Aren't you going to do something?" Chloe asked.

"It's your laptop," replied Ginger. "So it's not my problem."

And so, Chloe's room burned down, and she is severely disappointed that she cannot send her an email to Kirika. She is now forced to sleep in Altena's room, which she did not mind at all. Altena and Chloe almost always sleep naked in the same bed.

On the next day, the gasoline on the generator began to run out. Ginger, being lazy as always, slept in the middle of a download of a bootlegged movie called The Matrix when the generator fell silent. Thus, the server room that had been serving all of the pirated MP3 music and the home theater that Becky, Mira, and Altena frequently used to watch lesbian pornographic movies were now deprived of power.

Red had volunteered herself to fix the generator, but ends up destroying it with her AK47 assault rifles. When Ginger woke up to discover this, she smashed her Apple Newton on Red's head and used her grenades to blow up the server (torture) room out of pure anger.

Deprived of electricity, Ginger lapsed into severe withdrawal that she did not leave her bed. Worried about her crush, Mira volunteered to spoon-feed her, bathe her, and masturbating before her near-comatose body with utter passion.

"That girl is most certainly attached to technology," Altena said to Becky one evening in their ancient dining room.

"She's a genius brat who wasted her mind on such things," said Becky.

"I sure wish she could use her knowledge on our ways. Perhaps I can get Chloe to help her."

Throughout this time, Red, Chloe, and HLS had fared better than their similarly aged friend who lay in a coma-like state. Altena then asked Chloe and Red to get Ginger out of bed by whatever means necessary. By her words, the two did as they told, and they hauled the bespectacled and beautiful tomboy off the bed. They took her outside with their picnic supplies and accidentally threw her into a thorny rose bush. Despite the thorns prickling her butt, Ginger did not move or flinch.

After pulling her out of the bush, Red and Chloe plopped her down into a grassy field surrounded by blossoming sunflowers. They laid out the plaid blanket and set out the plates, glasses, and food. Ginger simply sat up in a daze and drooled.

"Would you like some tea Ginger?" Chloe asked.

"V-v-video k-k-killed t-t-the r-r-radio s-s-star," mumbled Ginger.

"How about some biscuits?"

"I-I-internet k-k-killed t-t-the v-v-video s-s-star."

"Chloe, Ginger is really broke," said Red.

"Ginger, you can get by without technology," Chloe said. "There are lots of fun things to do out here!"

"I want my MP3," mumbled Ginger. "I want my Internet back... give it back... give it back!"

"I have an idea!" Red exclaimed.

Red heads gets up and walks over to the sunflowers begins stomping on them. As she continued to do so, Chloe joined in, and HLS got up and urinated on the crushed flowers. Slowly but surely, their act of destruction piqued Ginger's penchant for destruction. She rises from the blanket and walks in the way of Red, Chloe, and HLS. With one cautious step, Ginger steps on a sunflower. Red and Chloe smiled eager as Ginger starts to step on another sunflower. As she increased her stomping pace, the red-haired and purple-haired girls start join the stomping of flowers until they exploded with playful laughter of the innocents.

Exhausted after stomping down all the sunflowers they have seen, they collapsed themselves to the ground. Ginger has finally come back to them.

"That was fun!" cried Ginger. "What else evil and destructive acts can we do around here without the use of electricity?"

"Well..." started Chloe.

Thus began a montage or a series of things Red, Ginger, Chloe, and HLS did to wreak havoc in the land forgotten by time--located between Spain and France damnit. Things they did including pushing down trees from high places, rolling boulders into nearby villages down below, starting fires with just two sticks or flint, throwing rocks at animals (including HLS), scaring the shit out of farm animals, urinating in the streams, wells, and any place where people get their drinking water, breaking and entering, etc. They had also thrown rocks and various blunt objects at people as well as scaring the shit out of them for no apparent reason.

Ginger learned the art of pickpocketing from Red and Chloe, which she mastered in the many towns and villages they visited along the away. Ginger was somewhat disappointed because most of the people she stole from carried less than ten Euros. At least she will be able to use these skills to steal from rich people in the cities and her own friends.

In contrast, Ginger taught Red and Chloe the art of pissing people off--which failed miserably. Chloe was too well respected by the locals, and Red was too cute. Ginger always has a 90% success rate, thus Red, Chloe, and Red were there to bail her out in case the natives got violent.

On the next day of her life without electricity, Ginger lures Red and HLS into a job to steal Chloe's precious fork. Red was selected for the prank because she is good at ninjitsu and stealth, as with Chloe. One late night, she sneaks in Altena and Chloe's room dressed in her sneak suit and carefully replaces the two-prong fork Chloe has clutched to her hand with a Chinese back-scratcher autographed with Michelle Yeoh's signature. Red gives the fork to Ginger immediately afterward.

Chloe awakes one morning ready to think about Yumñra Kirika when she sees her beloved her fork. When she saw the back-scratcher, she thought of Michelle Yeoh and Kung-Fu action movies some weird reason. Realizing what had happened, Chloe dropped her jaw a gasped.

"What is it my dear Chloe?" Altena asked when she awoken up.

"My fork..." gasped Chloe.

She leaps out of the bed nude and puts on her long white shirt, her khaki pants, and sandals and runs around the Manor main building searching for her fork.

Chloe finds Becky sleeping in the wine storeroom drunk as ever. She does not bother asking her where the fork is.

She meets up with Mira in the kitchen who is making cornbread while playing with herself in her shaved crotch.

"Have you seen my fork?" Chloe asked.

"Look where you are," said Mira. "We have lots of forks here."

"I know that, but there is a special fork that is very dear to me."

"Could you describe for me?"

"It's silver, small, and has two prongs."

"You're in luck! It has come across me when I was washing dishes."

"Oh thank you Miss Rama!"

"My pleasure."

From the drying rack Mira gives Chloe the two-pronged fork. Chloe was overjoyed until she held it in her hands. Something didn't feel right. When she looked closely at it, the fork was the same size, except the tail end has an embedded picture of Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies children's show.

"That's not my fork," said Chloe.

"It isn't?" said Mira. "Oh dear. This must be Red's then."

Chloe slumps her head face forwards in sheer disappointment and hands the fork back to Mira.

She then searched high and low in every possible place for her fork for many great hours. When she stepped outside of the main entrance, Chloe yelled out loud:


"Chloe!" Red cried out.

Chloe looks over and sees Red, Ginger, and HLS returning from whatever journey they had been to during the morning.

"Hey guys," said Chloe. "Where have you been?"

"We've been out," replied Ginger.

"We've been playing with your fork!" Red cried out.

Suddenly, Ginger stabs Red's head with the two-pronged fork in question. Red bled, but she wasn't seriously hurt.

"You have my fork?" Chloe asked.

"This is your fork?" said Ginger. "Crap, we didn't know. We thought it was some ordinary fork and we took it along in our walk."

Chloe leaps forward towards Ginger, snatches the fork from her hand, and begins kissing it passionately and repeatedly.

"Chloe loves her fork," said Red.

"Hey, Purple," Ginger started, "you know we--ah, never mind."

Ginger followed Red and HLS into the Manor building chuckling with glee, and Chloe continued to kiss her fork. Little does she know that Ginger and Red succumbed the fork in the grosses abuses they could think of, such as using it as digging shovel, shoving it into an ant hill and bee's nest, the entrails of a dead rat, the anus of a pig, a prostitute's vagina, and HLS's feces.

Chloe forgave Red and Ginger for "accidentally" taking her fork on that day. Afterwards they had lunch, supper, and dinner--all served along with cornbread that they ate with glee. Altena commented how good it tasted, and Mira replied that it was cooked with utter love.

The Manor household and their friends had decided to go out on a (non-destructive) picnic out in the countryside where the daffodils still stood. After they had their meal, Red, Ginger, and Chloe went off to play a game consisting of beating each other with sticks. Of course, Ginger got beat up more due to her lack of fighting ability.

Thus, Altena, Becky, and Mira sat on the plaid blanket sipping their tea with peaceful smiles on their faces as they watch their lovers play childish yet somewhat painful games with each other.

"It is such a fine day today," said Altena.

"I could not agree more," said Mira.

"I spiked the tea with 100 proof whiskey," said Becky.

"That is nice to hear," said Altena.

"Don't our girls look lovely?" asked Mira.

"Oh yes they do."

"I sure wish I can confess my feelings to the one I love."

"I've been meanin' to ask," started Becky. "What do you and Chloe do when it is just the two of you alone in the Manor?"

"Oh, we make wine, sew, clean up the Manor, and sometimes play with some old toys I have hidden somewhere," replied Altena.

"Toys huh? What kind would they be?"

"Oh you know, the kinds girls play with when they get lonely."

"Like dolls?"

"Something like that."

However a couple days ago before Chloe lost the Internet, Red and Ginger had already stumbled into Altena's secret "toy" cache in a hidden chamber where they hold the "Grand Retour" ceremony and indoctrination. There they hit the jackpot--what they found is a cornucopia of medieval dildos and vibrators powered by steam or windmill. So then Red and Ginger stole off all the dildos and vibrators and stuck them in the rear orifices of all the animals of a nearby farm. Luckily, Altena hardly checks her toy cache (though there is a rumor she uses fingers, tongue, and clitoris instead to please herself and some other person that is too obvious to mention). And even if they were missing, Altena would be too kind and not punish the perpetrators. Ginger was taking advantage of her kindness as she robs her blind and wrecks their manor.

"It's nice having guests around," continued Altena, "but shouldn't you guys be somewhere?"

"Why should we?" said Becky. "We're in a nice Mediterranean environment, Ginger's having fun without electricity, and I've got all the booze I can drink."

"That's wine," said Mira.


"What about the glass slipper fragment you were looking for?" asked Altena.

"Glass slipper fragment... hmm..."

Becky reached out into the further recesses of her intoxicated mind on the exact reason why she started this whole journey in the first place. First it was because she had the hottest lesbian (tribade) sex with a seventeen year-old and ended up breaking a glass slipper she had in her possession. That glass slipper turns out to be a key to Red's past, and that there is another pair which is in pieces and is scattered all over the world. The real reason Becky is doing this is because she made a stupid promise that she will find and reassemble the glass slipper in exchange that Red would stop calling her 'grandma'. Being called grandma in the middle of hot lesbian (tribade) sex is pretty un-erotic, and can sometimes spoil the mood. Yet even if Becky were to find the glass slipper fragments, it is no guarantee that Red will live up to her promise due to her unusual way of thinking.

"Holy shit, I almost completely forgot!" Becky yelled out.

"Is something wrong?" Mira asked.

"You bet your behind there is!"

Becky marches over to the glade where Red, Ginger, and Chloe played at.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" Becky demanded. "Get moving! We got a mission to go to!"

"Damn," cursed Ginger. "She finally remembered."

"Okay, Fat-Ass!" saluted Red.

"What did you call me?" yelled Becky.

Becky suddenly grabs Ginger, pulls her pants and panties down, and begins spanking her like she used to.

"Ow, fuck! My butt!" Ginger cried. "God damnit Sis! I didn't say those two words! Red did!"

"Oh, sorry about that," breathed Becky. "It's reflex really."

"Argh, you're such a dumb fat-ass."

Thus, Becky spanks Ginger once more.

"Damnit," Ginger cursed. "One of these days Sis, I'm gonna piss you off royally!"

"Shut-up," said Becky. "It's mission time."

They quickly head back to the Manor main building and quickly suited up to their normal yet maneuverable clothes and armed themselves; although since Ginger broke all her laptop computers and PDA, she equipped herself with the Encyclopedia of Offensive Cultural Gestures--and a matchbook.

"How far is it to the town of El Camino?" Becky asked Altena.

"Just go in the direction of El Serrat," replied Altena. "I'll send Chloe to assist you."

"That's okay. I think we can handle it."

"I insist."

"I will not fail you mistress Altena," said the green-cloaked purple haired one.

"Everyone, be careful."

"We will," said Becky.

The five girls plus the dog set off to the road.

I hope they succeed, Altena thought. For the sake of the world, Darryl Güse must not gather all the glass slipper fragments and revive the lost nation of Tribadia.

Their destination is a small town northwest of El Serrat in the country of Andorra, and it took a great effort to get there. First they had to walk many kilometers uphill to the mountain nation, which Chloe knows is a pain in the ass. Fortunately, they manage to hitch hike themselves aboard a horse-driven cart full of manure, where everyone but Chloe unanimously dubbed the Shitcart. Luckily, the old driver did not speak much of English as Ginger yelled American insults at him (he can only speak Catalan and Spanish). Unfortunately, most of the girls threw up over the cart in the initial minutes of the ride, but after a while they got used to it.

They thanked the kindly old driver for the ride right when they were dropped off at the El Camino main street. Ginger stole all of his pocket money before he left, and she cursed silently at the pitiful change she acquired. So she set a delay firecracker one of the spokes of the cart's wheel hoping that it will explode when the old driver is going down an i

Chapter 14

Title: Unnecessary Crossover #1.5 - Much ado about Secondary


Chapter 13B - Unnecessary Crossover #1.5 - Much ado about Secondary

With groans, the boyish Nahal descended from her tree hut and walked a long ways away to the big tree where the village mystic Quanzitta Marison waited. She was the sole reader of the Elies script of the words of Sauron--er, Saruon, as well as the last remaining keeper of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neewom (and maybe Nicky-Nicky too). Though she respected her position and wealth of knowledge, as well as her silken platinum hair, exotic light brown skin, and those enviable breasts, Nahal had always dreaded talking and listening to Quanzitta ever since she received the Star Wars trilogy on Laserdisc for her Laserdisc player from a bearded American man doing location scouting for the Star Wars prequel.

"I sense a great disturbance in the force," said Quanzitta as she sat on the green grass.

"Yes Lady Quanzitta," said Nahal, rolling her eyes. She knew Quanzitta could sense her exasperation, but Nahal just didn't care anymore.

"There is a great task you must perform."

"Not again..."

"You must go to the country of Nafrece and collect these items of great importance: the DVD for Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace..."

"It's still in theaters."

"...a Darth Maul double-lightsaber..."


"...a Jedi robe--an actual one designed for the movies, and an unopened blister pack containing Boba Fett released around the 1980s. It's being held at the auction, so you must get that."

"Of course."

"Do not fail me. The last item is very important."

"Oh, do you want me to go retrieve the Secondary?"


"You gave me the task of investigating on who has the Secondary, and it so happens someone was awakened by its words in the capital of Nafrece."

"Oh that. Yeah, go get that as well."

Nahal crossed her arm over her shoulder and bowed. "I will not fail you."

Nahal walked away, and Quanzitta stood up to look out the flora of the rural parts of the South-Asian country Gazth-Sonika.

"The order shall be restored," she said in a mystical tone, "once I get my hands on the original Boba Fett figurine."

So begins Nahal journey walking around in nothing but her somewhat scantily clad garb with a short cape armed with many knives. She swiftly maneuvered through the hot jungles of the country in the middle civil war and made her way to the demilitarized zone in the capital. The citizens and tourists gave her strange looks as usual, but she was used to it by now. She wanted to wear more, but Quanzitta insisted that she looked foreign in order to add to the mysticism of the village where she came from, and because it looked somewhat sexy.

She passed by the security guard, who tipped his hat. "Hello Nahal," he greeted. "Going out for Star Wars memorabilia again?"

"Not this time," she said. "I'm on more important business."

She showed the airline receptionist booked for Nafrece. The metal detector went off due to her having a huge-ass knife, the chief of security told the guards to let her pass, because he happened to be a big fan of Star Wars and had wanted to invite Nahal over to the first Star Wars convention in Gazth-Sonika. Of course, Nahal lied and said she would think about it, but truthfully she would rather fight off against the criminal organization Enfant than go to those places. And since the convention would be held in a third-world country, she felt it would be sub-par anyway despite their best efforts.

She then sat in the waiting area still receiving occasional glances from more tourists and business people returning or going to Nafrece. Nahal really had nothing on her, which she felt was a real drag. Like all the others in her village, she was really poor, and she was grateful that the village had stored enough pirate gold to fund her travel expenses. Unfortunately, they could not furnish her with an adequate suitcase full of changes of clothes, toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, and other necessities. Hell, she could not even afford to buy shoes! Alas, the only thing she was allowed to buy was a knife, since her penpal Chloe at the Manor was an expert in them and had voiced her recommendation.

She would like to meet Chloe, but there were disturbing rumors in the underworld that she was bit... psycho, especially towards some sixteen year-old Japanese girl. Then there were stories that Chloe drank from Altena's breast once a week.

"I wish I had shoes," lamented Nahal as she trudged to her seat on the airplane.

Then she saw someone associated with Enfant, a certain Carrossea Doon. He was a young man in a khaki suit who sounded suspiciously like Vic Mignogna or Edward "Shorty" Elric in the dub version of Fullmetal Alchemist, but with a bit of a lisp. He sat many seats ahead of her, and so far he had not noticed her.

"He's one to watch out for," she muttered. "He's... different."

Or maybe gay. Bi perhaps. You never know.

As the plane took off, her stomach growled, and she waited desperately for the flight attendants to start serving food.

And so our heroines, the tall, dark and bishoujo Becky Wolfe, the seventeen year-old Lolita Red Little, their tribade canine HLS, their homemaker and chemical expert Mira Rama, and their bratty hacker Ginger Baker all took a crowded bus ride to a country known as Nafrece, which was located next to France and was said to be its twin.

The odors of the people were overwhelming. Though they came from the city of Tours, Mira covered herself and her comrades with a special perfume that knocked everyone but the driver out, giving Ginger a chance to steal all their money and put their hands in appropriate places.

However, it did not ease her anger regarding the incident back at Tours.

"I did not realize your friend, King of Esca, was a girl," said Becky.

"KoE?" Ginger said. "Oh yeah, we get along quite well."

Mira gripped the handle for standing passengers. The only person from their group who sat was Ginger, only because she was sitting on top of an attractive female blonde (Ginger checked her gender by groping her, making Mira uneasy).

"That is, until I showed her a guro dojin of Dilandau during his or her intersexual phase raping Hitomi with her or his guymelef," smiled Ginger. "Which then went into an yaoi rape orgy between Van and Allen."

"You didn't have to make her run into the wall and hitting her in the head afterwards," said Becky.

"Thus sending her and her unconscious family to the hospital. Sis, I had to do that. She had tons of dirt on my personal life on Zip100 disk[1], like things regarding my sexuality."

Mira's eyes lit up. She did not realize that there was such a data. She dearly wanted to find out about Ginger's sexuality, yet there was great worry that it may turn out for the worst.

"I hope she's at least bi," muttered Mira.

"What's that?" asked Ginger.

"Ah, nothing!"

"Anyway, I destroyed that disk in the fire, so no one will know surely which way I'll swing! Mwa ha ha ha!"

Mira gasped, and slouched in defeat.

"So where this place we're heading to in this country that looks suspiciously like France?" asked Becky.

"We're heading over to my cousin's swanky flat at the capital," replied Ginger.

"You have a cousin in Nafrece? Are you pulling my leg Gingerbrat?"

"Hell no Wolfe-ears. I really do have a cousin in Nafrece..."

"...what's with the ellipsis?"

"I could say the same for you. Anyway, the thing is I haven't seen her ever since her grandfather died, so she has somewhat of a grudge on me."

"I other words, you screwed up and was banned from Nafrece."

"I did not! It was a fucking accident!"


"In any case, we have to stay there 'cause somebody wasted all of our money."

Ginger glared up at the glaring Becky.

"You're the one who wasted most of it on horse races," said Becky.

"It's only fifty-five percent of our funds!" cried Ginger. "If you hadn't wasted at least twenty-five percent on booze, we'd be staying at some swanky hotel. But no! You have to spend all our money on the most expensive wine!"

"I want pasta," said Red.

"Yeah, sure, that's nice pastathead."

"We'll make you some when we get there," said Becky.

After getting home from school, the aloof and strange Margaret Burton sat and watched the news while her maid who was barely older than her vacuumed away at the dining room. Again, the news focused on the ongoing Gazth-Sonika, and then some more asshole commentary from the right and left political parities of Nafrece.

"I miss Vanessa," said Margaret.

Now, if you haven't been watching the anime Madlax, here's the story so far:

Vanessa Rene, a sexy dark-haired employer of the worldwide conglomerate Bookwald Industries, had overhead her employer talking with Carrossea about supplying arms to both the royal army of the Gazth-Sonika and the Galza rebels in order to continue the civil war. She asked a hacker friend to hack into Bookwald to get some info, but was discovered by Friday Monday who attempted to counterhack them. The hacker friend had sent the data offsite to, by sheer coincidence, to a laptop in a computer Gatzth-Sonika, which was then bought a by bespectacled Asian kid who looks like every other bespectacled Asian kid in various anime coming from Japan. Hell, he even reminds me of Yomiko Readman and Nenene Sumerigawa of the Read or Die (R.O.D.) fame.

Ahem. Anyway, the reason why Vanessa was not around was because she had to go over to Gazth-Sonika get that laptop containing all the information of her company's connections to the civil war, and she would use any means necessary... maybe. Now back to the crossover chapter at hand...

"I miss giving Vanessa a bath," said Margaret.

"I miss doing that thing too," reminisced Elenore, her maid.

"I sure wish we had a bath big enough so we could give each other a bath."

"Well Miss Margaret, if we do so we wouldn't be 'giving' it, would we?"

"You're right. We'd be taking a bath together."

"I'm sure it will be a lot of fun."

"We should order a bigger bath for the three of us."

"I'll get right to it."

The doorbell rang. Elenore stopped vacuuming and went over to look through the peephole.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Open the fucking door!" said the girl. "It's me!"

"How rude! You shouldn't be giving such commands without properly introducing yourself."

"Elenore, who is it?" asked Margaret.

"Oh, it's probably some solicitor," replied Elenore. "Nothing for you to worry about."

"Perhaps we should talk to them."

"No, I can take care of it. Besides, this one looks shady."

"She sounds familiar."

"Elenore!" cried the girl. "Come on! Let us in baby!"

Elenore fumed. She unlocked the door and opened it slightly. Suddenly, she was thrown backward by the force or four people and a dog rushing in as if they had now taken over.

"Don't worry, she'll be all right," said the bespectacled girl to the Pakistani.

"Okay," said the female Pakistani.

"Wow, what a great view!" said a red-haired and red-hooded girl.

"Arf!" barked a dog.

"It's booze time!" said a tall woman with two wolf ears on the top of her head.

Elenore shook her head and immediately got back to her feet to behold the chaos slowly unfolding.

"Get out of our house!" she yelled as she went into a fighting stance. "I'll call the police!"

Margaret, recognizing one of the girls, got up and walked up to her.

"Ginger?" asked Margaret.

"Hey, how's it hangin' Margie!" Ginger smiled.

"I'm still alive."

"Still muttering that Madlax word?"

"Once in a while."

Ginger gave Margaret a noggie on her head, which was painful, but Margaret laughed nonetheless.

"Margaret!" Elenore cried. "Do you know this girl?"

"Of course! She's your cousin, Ginger!"

"Hiya Elenore," Ginger waved.

Elenore gasped, and soon the painful, if not hilarious memories flowed into head.

"Ginger," she growled. Suddenly, Elenore grabbed Ginger's hand and the two went inside her room, shutting the door behind them. Then everyone heard Ginger yelling and tapping the ground.

"Oh no!" Mira cried. She was the first to enter and saw that a furious Elenore had her on the ground in a wrestling hold known as the Boston Crab.


"It was just an accident!" cried Ginger. "God damn, is this the way you treat your cousin? The doctors and the detectives said it was an accident."


"It was just a joke! Shit, stop the hurting! Guys, help me!"

"We must help her!" cried Mira.

But Becky stepped forward and put her hand on her shoulder. She watched with delight as Ginger tapped the floor in vain as if she were in the wrestling ring.

"Don't worry," said Becky. "Let her suffer a bit."

"But she's in pain!" Mira cried.

"It's a combination of faking, on Ginger's part, and control, on the French-maid's part. Ginger will be fine."

After a while, Elenore lets go, and Ginger crawled to the edge of the bed with Mira coming to her aid.

"Ginger, are you hurt?" asked Mira.

"No thanks to you!" Ginger snapped. "You were just watching!"

"But I..."

"Go stand in the corner! I don't need your sympathy!"

Mira's heart shattered once more, and so she sulked backwards to the corner to think about her punishment.

Becky took a swig of whiskey from the bottle, which was usually reserved for Elenore whenever she was stressed, and right now she was. She condescendingly handed it over to her, and Elenore drank the entire bottle.

"And you are?"

"Elenore Baker," said Elenore. "As you have figured I'm Ginger's cousin--or rather, her third cousin."

"My name is Margaret Burton," said Margret. "I live here."

"I'm Red Little!" Red said.

"I like your cape."

"It's a hood!"

"I like the color red."

"I like red shoes."

"Me too."

Ginger raised an eyebrow. For some reason, she felt as if she was seeing twins.

"Becky Wolfe," Becky said as she shook Elenore's hand. "I'm the leader of this... strange and dysfunctional outfit. In the corner sulking is Mira Rama, our homemaker of some sorts."

"Assalaamu alaikum," Mira muttered depressingly.

"And this dog with the double-dildo strap-on is HLS."

"HLS," said Margaret. "Could HLS mean Huckleberry-Lindbergh-Snagglepuss?"

"How did you know?" asked Red enthusiastically.

"Because I like those cartoons. Oh, and we were studying Charles Lindbergh in class."

Margaret bent over and petted a panting-happy HLS. Then she took a gander at the prosthetic nose hanging off her collar, which reminded Margaret of a song:

"Sunshine, lollipops," she began. "And.."

Then Red chimed in, "...rainbows, Everything that's..."

"...wonderful is what I feel when we're together!"[2]

And the continued singing in unison, causing Ginger to cover her ears with the two pillows on the bed. Excepting Red and Margaret, the others covered their ears with their hands.

"So, what did Ginger do to piss you off?" Becky asked Elenore.

"Though it was an accident, Ginger was instrumental in causing the death of my grandfather."

"It was an accident!" Ginger yelled.

"She tried to scare him into a heart attack during the family reunion many years ago. Instead, he fell over the stairs and ruptured his spleen when he hit the bike Ginger left in the hallway."

"Still an accident..."

"Her parents took her back to America promising us that she won't trouble us again."

"They're dead now, so the contract is null."

"Of course, that's not the only case where she caused torment for our whole family."

And so, Elenore went on how the Baker family was destined to serve powerful people in various countries from time antiquity, but they dedicated most of their servitude to the generous Burton family whom they regarded as closer than family. Ginger's father left for the United States for early retirement. He then married a woman of his similar late-middle age, and a test tube child from what would be known as Ginger Baker. Mr. Baker still kept in touch with his relatives in Nafrece, and was still permitted to attend their family reunions held mostly around Europe.

Though sometimes regarded as the life of the party, Ginger was labeled as their devil. She did nothing but torment and scam her relatives as she grew up all in the name of greed and the art of pissing people off. As a child, she melted Elenore's doll set in a bucket of acid, stole dentures from the elder Bakers, shaved off their toupees and wigs, kicked them in the shins, or permanently cripple them by hitting them in the ankles with a her metal bat she affectionately called "Gingerbat". There was no break in her many successful attempts of "killing" her elderly relatives through carefully planned accidents in order to get the money she convinced them to bequeath to her, but unfortunately she would blow it all off on craps, roulette, and horse and dog races in Monaco.

She was kept away from the illustrious Burton family, although she had a chance to befriend Margaret years after she was found in Gazth-Sonika. Of course, the friendship as front to cheat Margaret out of her money, and she managed to have them booted out of their mansion and forced to live in a flat where they lived today. Still, Margaret had no hard feelings on Ginger, for she felt the mansion was too big for herself and Elenore. Elenore, however, still wept at the loss of her dolls.

"They were a gift from my grandfather," wept Elenore.

"They scared the shit out of me," said Ginger.

"You were just jealous because you only got the rare first edition unwrapped Barbie doll."

"Yeah, but I gave it to the guard dogs to eat after realizing yours was worth more."

"It was only fifty dollars more expensive!"

"In your hands it was worthless! I saved them so I could sell them!"

"You burned them!"

"At least I got you to cry."

Furious, Elenore pounced on Ginger and puts her into a headlock.

"That's one feisty French maid," said Becky. "Those two must really like each other."

Mira turned her head and wiped her tears. "Don't tell they are..."

She briskly walked out of the room to sulk on the toilet, and maybe masturbate.

By then, Red and Margaret had stopped signing "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows", and then burst out into childish laughter.

"I want pasta," said Red.

"Me too!" Margaret cried.

"I'll cook you some dinner Miss Margaret!" cried Elenore. "Ginger, will you assist me?"

Elenore tightened her kung-fu grip around Ginger's neck.

"No way!" Ginger cried. "I ain't servin' anyone!"

"It is your duty to serve Margaret, her relatives, and her guests! Now come along!"

"Waah! Sis, help me!"

"Shut-up," smiled Becky, "and serve me up some more booze."

"B-but I'm a guest too! Waah!"

Ginger wept as he assisted Margaret in the cooking. Eventually, Mira emerged to help with the cooking as well solely because Ginger was helping. A curious Margaret sampled a taste from Mira's pot.

"This is good Miss Rama," said Margaret.

"Why thank you," said Mira.

"It tastes like... my vagina."

"Miss Margaret, that is a crude joke," said Elenore.

"I'm sorry. I'll never say such things again."

"That's good. Sheesh, I wonder what made her say such a thing out of the blue."

"Oh, I don't know," lied Mira as she discreetly pulled her hand out of her panties. She had been stealth-masturbating while cooking.

Then everyone ate, and Ginger was still sad that she had to do actual cooking, which to everyone's surprise tasted quite good. For Mira, it was the best thing she ate, so she shoved aside her meatballs and sauce to gorge on Ginger's cooking.

"This is quite good Ginger," said Mira.

"Shut-up," wept Ginger. "I hate you. I hate you all."

"I feel it's about time you learn some discipline and humility," said Elenore.

"I'm not putting on that frilly maid outfit."

Mira choked. She reached over furiously grabbed Ginger's shoulders.

"I INSIST THAT IN THE TIME PERIOD WE STAY HERE YOU OBEY YOUR COUSIN FOR THE GOOD OF ALLAH," Mira declared as she nearly drooled from her mouth.

"You've turned against me, haven't you?" asked Ginger.

"DO IT!"

Mira's behavior had scared Ginger into submission, and so the Gingerbrat willingly decided to be "taught" under the auspices of her cousin Elenore.

At bedtime, Ginger was made to sleep close to Elenore, much to Mira's chagrin as she was sleeping on the couches in the family room along with a passed-out-from-drunkenness Becky and HLS. Since Margaret liked Red so much she allowed her to sleep in the bed to gossip about cartoons, talk about the weather, shoes, and look in the strange red picture book that was missing a page and had bloodstains on it.

"I never really showed this to anyone else," said Margaret. "But I think it is okay for you to look."

Red opened the book and saw some weird tadpole or sperm creatures gracing every page along with some very foreign writing.

"This book has funny writing," said Red. "Ginger has one as well."

"She does?"

"Oh yes. It's called the Fourthary, although she still working on the translation."

"I see. I want to see this book Elenore's cousin has."

"I'll show to you tomorrow morning!"


The two slipped under the covers and slept peacefully.

"Hello Miss Rama," said a very sweet voice. "It's time for breakfast."

Mira rubbed her eyes a beheld an angelic figure, or rather Ginger in a sexy French maid outfit similar to Elenore's. Sexy Ginger-French Maid. There was an angelic smile on her face, and the light from the window shined so beautifully behind her back.

"Good morning," smiled Ginger.

Mira could not take so much of the cuteness and sexiness. Instead of getting up, she fainted euphorically.

"Damn it bitch," said Ginger. "I'll get you up."

As it so happens, Elenore had kept Ginger's Gingerbat to remind her of the torment she had caused her cousin. The Gingerbat was a beaten black metal baseball bat with medical tape tied around the handle. It was used to fracture ankles, bust headlights of cars, knock down mailboxes, and all sorts of destructive acts. However, today was not to day for its full use, as Elenore stopped her from using to wake Mira.

"No violence around the house," said Elenore.

"Shut-up you hypocrite," said Ginger.

"And remember there should never be any crude language, especially in front of Miss Margaret."

"God, you're still angry with me because I made her say 'fuck' a few times when we were young?"

Elenore disarmed Ginger and took her to her room for a good number of suplexes. As Ginger began her slow recovery, Elenore walked over to wake up Becky.

"Wake up Miss Wolfe," she said. Then Becky groped her breasts, which made her giggle.

So everyone had breakfast, except for Mira who was still passed out for seeing Sexy Ginger-French Maid. The main meal was eggs and pasta, which Ginger found to be subtly repulsing and just downright weird. Elenore cooked Red and Margaret's unusual request for pasta and eggs without an ounce of rebellion, and had quieted Ginger before she could outright complain.

Ginger was now the main server in place of Elenore, though Elenore usually dined with Margaret since there weren't a lot of people in their apartment. Becky would often issue normal commands that Ginger grudgingly accepted, like getting more wine, wiping her mouth, adding salt. Becky knew that any work Ginger did annoyed her greatly, and she gleefully took advantage of it.

What really started to annoy Ginger was Red and Margaret's idle talk. It seemed as if their naivety, aloofness, and stupidity were multiplied ten-fold, and that their conversation consisted of nothing but simple sentences, such as:

"I'm going to school," Margaret said. "They teach classes there."

"I was homeschooled," said Red. "Mom and dad taught me how to roll crazy cannabis."

"You should come with to school as a guest. You'll learn stuff."


"I got a extra uniform you could wear."

"I like pink."

"Me too."

Thus began the driving of Ginger nuts, for she grinded her teeth at such sweet talk. She felt a little jealous as well, for Margaret was getting along too well with Red-chan. They finished their meal, thanked Elenore and Ginger for the cooking and went off to change into their uniforms. Then Ginger assisted Elenore in the clearing the table and cleaning the dishes, while Becky and HLS relaxed while watching local Nafrece programming on the television.

"Hey cousin," whispered Ginger. "Was Margaret always like this?"

"Ever since she was found in Gazth-Sonika," replied Elenore.

"Still hasn't recovered her memories."


"She does piss you off, doesn't she?"

"I do not think of such things. It is my duty to serve and love Margaret until the end of my days."

"Are you gay?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"I'm just asking. I mean, don't you have a boyfriend, get horny, or watch porn?"

"I swear my life and my soul to Margaret alone. That was the last request my grandfather issued to me."

"I see. Grandpa ordered you to become a lesbian--or tribade as Sis says."

"He did not."

"You have the hots for Margie, don't ya? I mean, you lived with her all your life, are of somewhat similar ages; hell, you probably shared the same bath."

"That's nonsense talk Ginger."

"Fine, I'll go ask Margie herself and hear what she thinks of you--sexually."

The put the last of the dishes on the drying rack and stopped the faucet. Suddenly, Elenore had put Ginger in a headlock as they walked towards her room.

"Don't you ever say such things about Miss Margaret!" Elenore growled.

"The more you do this, the more I think that you do have the hots for her," said Ginger.


"Hey, Ginger," said Red. "Can I see your funny book?"

"Oh, sure," replied Ginger as pointed at her black backpack at the drawers next to the bed. "It's right over there in the inner pocket."

"Thank you."

The schoolgirl-dressed Red grabbed the pink-colored Fourthary and walked back to Margaret's room to help finish styling her hair.

"Elenore seems to like Ginger," said Margaret.

"You like her too?" asked Red.

"Of course! She taught me how to use swear words very effectively."

They had a few minutes before they were to leave for school, so they sat on the bed and compared the crimson Secondary and the pink Fourthary.

"This Secondary has funny tadpoles," said Red.

"This book..." said Margaret. "It's a dud."


"It is like my book, with the same script and tadpoles, but it has no power." She turned the pages and saw what looks like blood.

"It has blood like my book," said Margaret.

"Those are ketchup stains," said Red.

"Ketchup tastes good."

"I like ketchup too."

"Some people say catsup."

"Cats go up."

"Up to where?"

"Grandma says that go up other cats. Or was it pussies?"

"Miss Margaret!" cried Elenore. "Miss Little! Time to go!"

"Coming!" cried the two girls.

Like a mother, Elenore gave them each lunches, and then handed Red signed permission papers to go to school for a day. Ginger was outside sweeping the walkway.

"Goodbye you two!" Elenore waved as Red and Margaret walked to school together.

"Goodbye Elenore!" Margaret cried.

"Make some pasta sub-sandwiches when we get home!" said Red.

"I want some pasta sub-sandwiches too!"

"Sure I'll make some!" Elenore cried.

And so, Red and Margaret disappeared onto the bus.

"Elenore," whined Ginger. "Why am I sweeping this place? Can't we wait for the groundskeeper to come back?"

"The path for Miss Margaret and her friend must be cleared by the time she gets home. Also the branch next to Margaret's window is rubbing against it. Wait under the tree until I come back with the trimmer."

"Yes ma'am."

Ginger soon finished sweeping. With the broom in hand, she walked up to the tree in question and saw a scantily-clad tomboy girl in light blue garb staring at Margaret's window.

"I knew it," said Ginger. "Margaret's got a tribade stalker! Oh, Elenore's gonna spaz out when she hears about this!"

The girl was Nahal, and she had been watching Margaret pull out Secondary, and the dud known as Fourthary. However, the book she wanted was taken by Margaret to school, she could not risk storming there to retrieve it. Still, she hadn't done all the other errands Quanzitta wanted for her to do.

"But this is important," said Nahal. "The balance of the worlds hinges on the retrieval of Secondary."

Suddenly, she moaned from something brushing her butt. She looked down and saw Ginger brushing her with the broom.

"I can see your lack of underwear," said Ginger.

Nahal blushed.

"Hey, get down. I want to talk to you."

"Sorry, but I can't be seen by you."

"And you just had to pick out such a scant getup. Now come down!"


Ginger went under the thick branch and started prod Nahal in the crotch, causing her to moan in slight pleasure. Nahal soon lost balance and fell from the tree, with her crotch landing on Ginger's face.

"Get off me!" Ginger cried as her nose nuzzled pleasurably into Nahal's vagina.

Then Ginger grabbed her shoulder with one hand, and then groped Nahal's small breast with the other.

Margaret's window was thrown open by Mira, who wanted to let some fresh air on the recommendation from Becky.

"It's your fault for oversleeping in the first place," said Becky from afar.

"But I had enough hours," said Mira. "Boy, this isn't like me."

She looked down and saw Ginger in a provocative position with some foreign girl. The shock caused her to scream loudly, startling Nahal. Mira ran off to the living room, rummaged through her things in her bag, grabbed her tranquilizer rifle, and loaded it with most potent poison dart in the entire world. She went outside to the tree and found Ginger rising and rubbing her head.

"Where is she?" cried Mira as she cocked her rifle. "Where is that girl?"

"What girl?" asked Ginger.

"What's going on?" asked Elenore, who had came back with the tree trimmer.

"A girl," said Mira. "Some girl tried to do indecent things with Ginger! I mean, she tried to assault her."

"Could it be a some cat?"

"Ginger, I'll hunt down that girl for you and inject with many poisons that will make her suffer in silly ways! Just give the order!"

"Mira, you're crazy!" Ginger smiled.

Despite the angelic face on her beloved, Mira sauntered backwards in defeat. She wandered back into the apartment and threw herself onto the couch facedown. She still hasn't finished her pasta and eggs that was on the coffee table.

Why would she lie about the indecent assault? thought Mira. Don't tell me she... well, at least she might like girls.

After trimming the tree, Ginger went out with Elenore for grocery shopping, and thus was kept on a short leash so she won't scam any old people or hit little children with blunt objects. Elenore even threatened to use an actual short leash if Ginger tried anything.

Back at the house, Mira masturbated, and Becky drew up the plans to grab the next glass slipper fragment in Paris--while she was drunk. After school, Margaret and Red-chan were approached by a man a few years older thane them, whom Red took as an ephebophile.

"Oh come now," said Carrossea. "In some countries, I'm jailbait."

"What do you want?" asked Margaret.

"It's about the book."

"My book?"

"Yes, the one Gillian Anderson tried to look for a copy on your behalf."

From then on, he gave more detail on Carrossea knew more about its origins and wanted to see it in the guise of complete curiosity. Margaret promised to show it to him another day. So the two girls parted with Red remarking on how Carrossea Doon sounded like a strange name Yoshiyuki Tomnio would use to name his characters in the Gundam anime franchise.

For dinner, Ginger and Elenore served what Red and Margaret wanted. Ginger stood by with the usual angelic smile of servitude she had to force onto herself or else she get piledrived by her cousin. Mira simply could not concentrate on eating, and her nose was bleeding into her tomato soup and into the sauce of the pasta sandwiches.

"More whiskey for me," Becky commanded.

"Yes Miss Wolfe," Ginger answered oh-so grudgingly.

Afterwards, Mira took HLS on short evening walk, and then fell asleep in the couch not knowing that Becky was inside Margaret's room videotaping and sometimes participating in a pillow fight between Margaret and Red, who were in their underwear. In Elenore's room, Elenore drilled down Ginger in late night in lessons of etiquette and maid behavior. Ginger sat in her pajamas before the desk where many books on such subjects laid, and most of the illustrations were of sexy French-maids in outright revealing outfits and poses.

"Does maid fetishism ring a bell to you?" Ginger asked. "Or lesbian maid fetishism?"

"That is out of the question Ginger!" Elenore said as she slapped her horsewhip in her hands. God only knows why she had that thing in possession when neither her nor Margaret rode horses as a hobby. Right now, Ginger was in the section on how to deal with dirty old men.

"With my trusty Gingerbat!" Ginger cried out.

Wrong answer. Ginger was jerked out of the chair and put into a headlock once more. With a sore neck, Ginger called time out, she crawled into bed with her cousin, obviously not doing naughty things because if Mira finds out...

On the next day they had pasta sausage omelets, and though it was technically the second day Ginger and her partners had stayed over, she was getting sick and tired of having pasta with EVERYTHING. So she took two platters full and threw them hilariously into Red and Margaret's faces. Ginger laughed, hard.

It wasn't hilarious to Elenore. That pissed her off. Without hesitation, she immediately piledrived and suplexed her cousin on the floor in the living room.

"Ah, crap!" yelled Ginger. "Sis, help me!"

She couldn't ask for help from Mira, for she was passed out on the couch since Ginger greeted her by wearing nothing but her maid apron (that was because the rest of the uniform hadn't dried up yet from the washing). Becky, on the other hand, kept on sipping her bourbon-laced coffee pretending to ignore Ginger's pleas. At the same time, Red and Margaret stood frozen with the plates of pasta sausage omelets slowly running down their faces.

"God damn it!" Ginger yelled. "Don't just sit there you Fat Ass!"

Becky slammed her cup on its saucer, and then shot up from her chair.

"Hold her down while I spank her," said Becky.

"With pleasure!" Elenore grinned.

The spanking commenced, and Elenore delighted as she watched at close proximity Becky's right hand bouncing back and forth from Ginger's exposed butt. Finally, the plates fell from Red and Margaret's faces.

"Pastaface'd," said Red.

"I like pasta," said Margaret.

"Me too."

"OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TWO!" Ginger screamed. Spank! "Ow!"

Elenore left Becky alone with Ginger so she could clean up Red and Margaret's faces. They were now rushing for Red and Margaret would be late for school.

"Ah, I almost forgot the book!" said Margaret.

"I'll go get it!" said Red.

She ran back in the apartment and grabbed the book that Margaret was to show Carrossea Doon. As usual, Elenore bade the schoolgirls a farewell while giving them their pasta BLT lunches.

"Don't talk to strangers now!" she said to them.

"We won't!" cried Margaret. She and Red got on the bus, with Margaret excited that finally she'll learn more about the funny picture book she had in her possession from Doon.

"Let's sing the Doon Song!" Red suggested.

"All right! Doon, Doon, Doon, Doon..."

So the two girls sang the Doon Song, which only consisted of one word and no semblance of musical pattern whatsoever. The song was so irritating that only the slightly insane could bear to listen. Luckily, the bus driver had just been released from the Nafrece insane asylum. The rest of passengers, unfortunately, threw themselves out the windows, especially in the middle of fast-moving traffic.

Elenore returned inside where Becky was now reading the newspaper on the couch while Ginger rubbed her butt whilst cracking her sore neck. Elenore came up to her and shoved a duster and a vacuum to her.

"What?" asked Ginger.

"You're cleaning the entire house today," said Elenore.

"You did that yesterday!"

"I could give her an additional spanking right now I you want," said Becky.

Ginger groaned and grudgingly took the household cleaning materials from her cousin's hands.

"Aren't you going to help me?" Ginger asked.

"Unfortunately, I cannot," replied Elenore. "I have to withdraw some money from the bank, buy some more cleaning supplies, and buy some more pasta and booze--whiskey and wine to be exact."

"You're a good girl, Elenore," said Becky.

"Pasta again!" Ginger whined. "Are you and Margaret more than servant and master?"

"Oh, and don't look into my closet Ginger," said Elenore as she threw on her short overcloak by the doorway. "Becky, keep her in line. I give you permission to suplex her in any way you see fit."

"I prefer to use the spanking method," said Becky.

Elenore went off, while Becky glared at Ginger evilly so she could get to work. Grudgingly, Ginger began cleaning house, starting with the vacuuming of the Elenore's room.

"'Don't look into my closet,' she says," grumbled Ginger. She threw open the doors and rummaged through her clothes, which consisted of nothing but maid outfits, aprons, one schoolgirl swimsuit, panties, bras, and some sexy lingerie. The horsewhip was there as well.

Ginger rummaged deeper and found a large locked trunk, which she easily opened with her lockpicking abilities, and she discovered a treasure trove of lesbian porn videos, with the top stack consisting of the new DVDs.

"Ah, so she is a closet tribade," said Ginger. "Oh well."

She dragged out the trunk into the living room and opened it before Becky, who was reading an article about the Ottoman Ottoman of Power being showcased at the famous French museum, the Louvre.

"Thanks girl," said Becky.

"No prob," said Ginger.

Ginger then resumed cleaning the rest of the house. She locked herself inside Margaret's room to get her mind off all the moans from the lesbian porn Becky had put on the television screen. There on Margaret's desk was a scarlet red book that looked similar to the Fourthary she took from Tuesday Thursday in the village of El Camino in Chapter 13. She wondered where it went when Red borrowed it. Curious, she flipped through the pages of the Secondary and saw the same gibberish and all those tadpole or sperm creatures. She flipped further and found some missing pages, bloodstains, semen stains, fecal stains, and a mayonnaise stains.

"This book," Ginger muttered. The book was luring her in, and she could hear in her head a male chorus chant composed by Yuki Kajiura, I believe.

"Sarkus, Sark..."

She slammed the book shut, and wide grin drew across her face. "I think this book might work. I'll go find Red! Er, no, she's cozy with that space case. Shit, I can't stand to hear another banter from those too. Ugh. Hmm..."

Ginger came out of the room looking for Becky, but only found HLS lounging by the couch and Mira put into the trance of a six-girl lesbian orgy. Realizing that Ginger was watching her, Mira jumped and covered the television screen.

"Ah, Ginger!" Mira cried.

"Where's Sis?"

"Becky? Oh, she went out to gather information on the next glass slipper fragment."

"Or go out drinking at bars. In any case, get your things ready. We're going out."

Knowing full well that they were supposed to stay and watch the house and Ginger, Mira stood up and saluted. She just could not refuse Ginger, especially in her Sexy Ginger-French Maid form.

"Yes ma'am!" she cried.

However, HLS protested, not because of the breach of responsibilities, but because she didn't want to be all alone and horny. Regardless, Mira apologized to their female canine and locked her in. HLS sat down and whined.

Mira packed her pistol with her tranquilizer and syringe pistols, while Ginger brought the scarlet book in her hand with her Gingerbat sheathed like a sword on her back. They took the bus to the busy main streets where all the tourists trudged through and where illegal vendors set up shop. Almost eyes were on them, but not because of Ginger's sexy French maid outfit; well, in some ways it was. Mira followed Ginger lustfully and never left her eyes from Ginger's body. Mira had her hands buried deep into her panties, and that was garnered the most attention.

"Is that the Fourthary?" Mira asked.

"It's something different," replied Ginger.

"So what are we doing?"


Ginger approached a young German man and engaged in a quick conversation in broken German. As she found out, he spoke fluent English, albeit with an accent, and was literature major.

"Excellent!" cried Ginger. "Perhaps you can help me translate this book."

"I'll try," said the German.

He received the book and flipped through the pages. Though taken aback by the many human stains, he still could not translate the book.

"Perhaps this will help," said Ginger as she handed him a scrap of paper. The man read it and uttered, "Sarkus, Sark."

He dropped the book and soon he was cackling and foaming in the mouth. He twisted and ran into people muttering incoherently until Ginger gave him a good whack in the head with the Gingerbat. She pretended to feel his pulse, and of course, he was still alive. Then she proceeded to rummage through his pants for his wallet and his bag for his camera.

"He stole my stuff," she told the bystanders. Surprisingly, they believed her, for in almost all societies people looked down upon people foaming in the mouth.

Ginger and Mira went a few ways away from the busy main street to gasoline station where they ran into a middle-aged Nafrece woman. Like the young German male, Ginger showed her the book and the scrap piece of paper. And like the man before her, the woman foamed in the mouth, began yelling incoherently, and waved her arms crazily. Ginger knocked her out and then stole all the woman's money.

"She tried to hit on me," Ginger said to the gas station attendants. "And cheated me out of money and stuff."

"She did?" Mira asked.

Mira kicked the woman two times, as if to curry favor. Alas, Ginger didn't notice and had moved on to her next victim.

The process repeated throughout the entire city, as if an outbreak of people foaming in the mouth and going crazy had broke out, and the one closest to the symptoms was Ginger and Mira. As usual, Ginger knocked them out and stole all their money, and if they had them expensive cameras and camcorders. Mira continued to follow her and bear silent witness to her shenanigans just for the sake of ogling at her French maid outfit. For her, it was the closest thing to a date with Ginger.

The some odd things began to happen when Ginger called on a Vietnamese-Canadian man who she assumed was Chinese, and he took that as somewhat of an insult.

"Well, whatever," said Ginger. "Could you please read this strange book for me? I think it came from Vietnam."

The Vietnamese Canadian flipped through the pages, and suddenly he gasped.

"Hey, I didn't give you the scrap paper," she said.

"This is..." he gasped. "This is my semen!"

Poof! The man disappeared. Ginger, now holding the Secondary, looked around in confusion.

"Where'd that man go?" Ginger asked.

"What man?" asked Mira.

Ginger shrugged her shoulders. She then went over to an Italian woman who had left the gelato shop. She showed her the book, and she suddenly gasped about her feces being stained in the book. Poof! She disappeared just like the... who? Anyway, Ginger looked around wondering where that woman went until she lost interest. She and Mira then bought gelato for themselves. As they walked out, they headed over to the park and ran into a Texan tourist mumbling that Nafrece was like France, except with more pirates. Ginger showed him the book once more.

"Oh Lord," he gasped. "My mayonnaise! My mayonnaise is here!"

Poof! The man was gone! What man? Ginger shut the book in her hands and turned to face Mira behind her.


"Of course!" Mira said.

Mira ordered a pair of hearty gyros and soda from the roving gyro vendor cart. She forgot to wash her hands, and did not tell Ginger who gorged on her meal on one of the many stone park tables for two. Mira was blushing uncontrollably because Ginger had inexplicably seated herself and Mira at the couple's sector of the park. During their meal, Mira flipped through the pages of Secondary becoming awed by its exotic mysticism and the story behind the torn pages and the bloodstains.

"Can you read it?" Ginger asked.

"In all my travels I never come across something so mysterious as this," said Mira.

"Yeah, what's with all that tadpole-sperm creatures?"

"This script doesn't look like prose or even poetry. It's some kind of programming code."

"Which I cannot read. Do you suppose that we're carrying a physical execution software in our hands?"

"It needs a system to read it, so I suppose humans are the system."

"We could try getting apes to read it."

"Nah, that wouldn't work. They're crazy enough as it is."

"What about those blood stains?"

"Well, I could do a DNA analysis, but even if we get the code there's no real way of finding out who it belonged to."

"I'd like to find out too, for profit's sake. You know, I could have sworn that there were semen, fecal, and mayonnaise stains in there."

Ginger closed the book, held it in her hands and got up from her seat. "Time for my next reader-victim." She locked on to a young couple sitting at the stone bench and skipped over them.

"Hey young lovers!" Ginger smiled. "I know you're busy and all, or about to get busy, but since you look like college students, can you two help me with me with this book I'm researching?"

Before she could even open the book, a scantily clad fair-haired Asian girl fell on top of Ginger.

"My butt," said Nahal. "Damn squirrel."

Nahal turned around and saw Mira sinisterly looming over her.

"Um, hello," smiled Nahal uneasily.

Mira drew out her loaded syringe pistol. "My jihad begins. You die now."

So begins a comedic chase around the park as Mira ran after a frightened Nahal in the clear lawns. Though Mira's targeting was above average, Nahal's blocking through the use of her knife sent the syringe bullets into various people and animals. Most the syringe bullets had carried the P-Scratcher allergen, a potent enema agent, and the latest flatulence bullet developed on the suggestion of Ginger. Ginger got back onto to her feet and watched the latter stages of the chase.

"Damn it Mira, you shouldn't have read the book!" she yelled. Then she held up the scrap piece of paper containing the translation and the activation of the mystical book.

"Or has she?" Ginger wondered.

Nahal had finally lost Mira by leaping up to the flat rooftop of a tall residential building that was filled with rectangular planters.

"That woman is crazy," she said as she caught her breath as she leaned against the side of a glass atrium. "Getting the Secondary is not going to be easy with her around."

Then she heard something. Nahal leapt to the middle of the rooftop with her knife drawn out. Her eyes and slowly turned according to her focused ears, but she stopped when she saw an effeminate black man in a suit eating peanuts from a bag.

"So that was Secondary's power," he said. "But alone, it is only effective at a limited range."

"Who are you?" asked Nahal. "Something tells me that you are but a shadow. There is an evil and yet unreal aura about you. What are you?"

"I am who I am," he smiled.

"You know about the holy books so well. Are you after them?"

"I am, under orders from my superiors."

"I see then. I have no choice but to kill you."

"I am but one of three, but as of now you're in my trap."

The planters and the glass atrium as vines snaked their way to Nahal, who was now slicing them to pieces. The man was suddenly lifted into the air by the vines.

"I am George Washington Carver," he announced. "I am certain we'll meet again, if you dare."

The vines took him down and he disappeared. Nahal wrestled and cut through the vines until she leapt to the rooftops of another building.

After school, Margaret and Red met with Carrossea Doon again and showed him the book. Sitting down by the table of a smaller park closest to Margaret's school, he flipped through pages pretending to read and translate in his mind.

"Well?" said Margaret. "Can you read it?"

"I have no freaking clue," said Carrossea.

"That's too bad."

"But no doubt about it. This script is Elies of the holy words of Saruon. Yet there is something about this..."

He flipped further into the book and found crimson stains on its pages. He gasped.

"What's wrong?" asked Margaret.

"This is..." he stuttered. "This is... my blood!"

Red walked over and bent towards the book. She sniffed the blood, and then suddenly licked it, grossing out Carrossea in the process.

"It's ketchup," said Red. "That's what Mira told me."

"Ketchup?" said Carrossea. He sniffed another spot of stains and then licked it. "It is ketchup."

"Catsup?" said Margaret. "There should be blood in my book."

She closed the book and finally realized that Red brought the wrong book.

"I'm sorry Mister Doon," Margaret bowed, "I brought the wrong book."

"Wrong book?" asked Carrosea.

"Is it possible we can meet again?"


His cellphone vibrated in his pants. He walked away to answer so he could make sure the girls didn't hear him.

"Yes of course," he said. "Could you hold on a sec?"

He turned around to them. "How about we meet on Monday?"

"It's a date!" Margaret said.

"That's cute."

"See you later!"

Hand-in-hand Margaret and Red got into the bus and headed home. Carrossea then went to a more secluded are in the small park, and that happened to be the portable toilet set outside the broken bathroom nearby. He didn't have time to fumble through his pocket for change and bills for the pay-toilets.

"Okay, now I can talk," said Carrossea. "What did you say before Mister Friday Monday?"

"There seems to be a situation," said Friday Monday. "It seems there is another party after the books: the Prototype I-Jin, or P-I-Jin."

"The P-I-Jin?"

"I haven't told you this, but Enfant and the P-I-Jin are part of an non-interference agreement. While we continue our operations, they protect us from the British Royal Library who would otherwise be after the Holy Books. Unfortunately..."

"They have turned on us."

"Exactly. Their leader, Ikkyu Sìjun, has now taken a nihilistic approach to his cause and seeks to destroy all humanity with our books. Three of his operatives are now in Nafrece's capital. Some of our men have encountered them, but have never reported back."

"I understand. I'll get right to it."

"Do not fail me."

They hung up. Carrossea pocketed his cellular phone and sighed. Since he was sitting on a toilet, he felt it was high time to pee and poop for a short while. Once he finished, he turned the knob. The door would not open. After many jiggling, he started banging on the door and the walls, screaming, "Help! Someone get me out of here!"

Outside, no one could help as they were either foaming in the mouth while rolling on the ground, or unconscious thanks to the trusty Gingerbat. Mira looked with patient curiosity at the effects of Secondary, and around that time Ginger became a little less evil and went off to not only lock Carrossea inside the portable toilet, but also to wrap it with chains and splatter stink bombs on the vents.

"Ha-ha-ha!" Ginger laughed. "That'll show him!"

"Who's out there?" Carrosea asked.

"I'm not listening! La-la-la-la-la-la..."

"Let me out! Noooooo!"

Ginger walked out laughing her ass off with a black trash bag full of stolen money, credit cards, identification cards, cameras, and camcorders. Taking one last look of Ginger's victims, Mira caught up to her.

"You're just going to leave them like that?" Mira asked.

"Do I give a fuck?"

"Ah, of course. I should have known."

Ginger sighed. "I'm still not satisfied. Even after doing an impromptu presentation in a park full of people, I didn't create the amount of chaos I so desired."

"I suggest you get everyone in the world to do it."

"Brilliant fucking idea! As a reward, you get..."

"A kiss?"

"Hell no! What do I look like, a tribade?"

Strike #313. Heartbroken, Mira slouched in defeat. To cover up her crush on Ginger, she muttered, "I was kidding."

Ginger patted her on the shoulder. "I knew you were. But this is not the time for rewards! We must put my plan to work, but first I'd like to test on a small yet municipal scale. To get everyone to read my book and recite the words of human behavior, we need the cooperation of all the local radio and television stations, and maybe some internet broadcasters as well. We'll put up a show! Right there, underneath the Eiffel Tower!"

"That's the Paris Tower," Mira corrected. "We're in Nafrece, remember?"

"What are you, my lawyer?"

"If you want me to be..."

"Whatever. Let us go my compatriot! The doom of this city awaits us!"

"Yes ma'am!"

Becky could have sworn that she had been seeing things on her way from the pub. No, her primary reason for going wasn't for a drink or two. Or three. Or five. She had to meet up with an informant sent by Gottmutter on confirmation on the next glass slipper fragment. She shrugged her shoulders and headed home. When she got there, she bumped into Elenore who had done all her errands.

"Ah, Miss Wolfe," greeted Elenore. "You didn't leave Ginger alone at the house, did you?"

"I asked Mira to watch over her," said Becky. "But..."

They heard a crash not far from more. Both Elenore and Becky ran over to the apartment and saw the place being ransacked.

"Have we been robbed?" asked Elenore.

"I knew it was here!" cried Margaret.

"I'm so sorry!" Red cried.

"It's not your fault, it's..."

Elenore and Becky headed over to the Margaret's bedroom, and saw Margaret sitting on the bed clutching the Fourthary in her arms as if it was her precious Secondary. HLS sat by her, occasionally licking her thigh as comfort.

"Miss Margaret!" cried Elenore. "Did something happen?"

"My picture book..." muttered Margaret. "It's gone."

She then got off the bed and uttered in a very deep, sinister, and demonic voice:


A shockwave of shivers was sent down Red, Becky, and Elenore's spine, and HLS ran out of the room whimpering. Then Margaret's expression brightened up with a cute and innocent smile.

"Let's go find my book!" she said.

"Okay," said Becky. "Let's go find your book... before the sun goes down."

"But where should we start?" asked Margaret.

"Good question. I shall inquire HLS about the situation."

Becky turned towards the living room and found that HLS was still whimpering from Margaret's evil speech.

"On second thought, I'm not good at talking to dogs," said Becky. "And frightened ones are hard to get information out of."

"I say all this was Ginger's fault," said Elenore. "I expected Miss Rama to be responsible one."

"I expect so. It's all Ginger's fault!"

"So Ginger took the book?" asked Margaret.

"Um, we're not suggesting that!" said Red. "Perhaps she and Mira went out and just didn't come back."

"That's it!" Becky said. "They just didn't come back!"

Elenore, Red, and Becky were very certain that Ginger did take the Secondary out for a joyride. As much as she was a brat, they did not want to wish Margaret's wrath on her, for it was likely that Ginger would place part of the blame on her own comrades.

"I say we find Ginger and Mira and enlist their help," said Becky.

"Shouldn't we file burglary report?" asked Elenore.

"No!" cried Margaret. "You shouldn't! I don't want anyone handling the book."

"Which is why we need Ginger's information gathering abilities," said Becky. "I'll give her a call."

They began to clear up the room partway as Becky began calling both Ginger and Mira's cellphones, but they received no answer.

"She said it would work here," said Becky. "Damn, I can't seem to get a connection."

"Are they out of range?" asked Elenore.

"Sounds like it. Ginger hardly ever leaves her cellphone off--or perhaps she threw her current one away and stole another person's cellphone that used a different carrier. She must be doing some hacking right now."

"Ginger's on TV!" Red cried.

They looked (and thankfully Becky closed the trunk containing the lesbian porn stash, otherwise Elenore and the others would have noticed). There was Ginger speaking before the press and a prominent news anchor on the event that was suddenly being held at around 5:00 PM underneath the Paris Tower.

"It will be the greatest spectacle everyone have seen!" Ginger cried.

"But there is some speculation on what you are going to reveal?" asked the television reporter.

"That is a secret that must be seen and read. That is why the local media have cooperated so well with us."

"The Paris Tower," said Becky. "Once we find Ginger, we can go look for the book."

"Before sundown," Elenore added with great unease in her tone.

So they packed up their things and headed off. They were about to take the bus, but traffic was backed up so badly due to the hype surrounding the spectacle.

As it turned out, Ginger has used Secondary to make key executives of the local media companies foam at the mouth, allowing her to walk in a pose as their lawyer despite still being in her sexy French maid outfit. That allowed her to get not only a spot underneath the Paris tower, but a stage, sound and lighting equipment, cameraman, and a few helicopters.

No one really knew what was going to happen, but everyone gathered there on hearsay on that something really big was going to happen. Thus, it was an excuse to party even though it was the smack middle of the workweek. A lot of people had gathered for this free event, and each attendee and worker were given a sealed envelope containing the words of true nature they w

Chapter 15

Title: Unnecessary Crossover #2 [Or, In France I see Mireille's Underpants]

Chapter 14 - Unnecessary Crossover #2 [Or, In France I see Mireille's Underpants]

The 16-year old Japanese girl woke up at the same time her blonde and Corsican partner (in crime) did. In their daily ritual, Kirika Yñmura prepared breakfast while Mireille fixed the bed, did the laundry, and cleaned the house. Kirika never got the chance to tell Mireille that she looked like she was not wearing any panties underneath the long button shirt, but perhaps she has grown quite accustomed to such an everyday sight.

They had tea with milk, some bread and some leftover croissants, and grape jelly. It was a mundane breakfast. Mireille discovered that they are running out of grape jelly.

"We're almost out of grape jelly," she said.

"Do we have some other flavors?" Kirika asked.

"There is strawberry, but I think they went bad a long time ago. It's hard to keep track of these things when we're all over the world."

"I will go get some."

"Oh, no that's okay. It's my turn to do so."

"I insist. It will be a long time to repay you for taking me in. Besides, don't you have something to do?"

"You're right. In that case, you should go pick up some drinks and some popcorn."

"The usual, right?"

"Of course."

The two girls cleaned up their table and dress themselves in their usual clothes. For Kirika, it was shorts, a spaghetti-strap top, and a white hood jacket. For Mireille, it was a provocative scarlet sleeveless shirt and short black skirt. After they stepped out of the building, they waved goodbye and temporarily part ways. As Kirika walked off to the market with the money and a concealed Beretta M1934 in her pockets, she wondered why the hell Mireille only gets to ride the yellow scooter around Paris, France.

"I wish I had a scooter," Kirika said to herself. "A Vespa maybe."

And somewhere on a bridge in Paris, the wolf-eared Becky stomped her way up the sidewalk while Red (wearing a t-shirt that reads "I'm an Angel, and I blow my nose at you" in French), Mira, Ginger (wearing a black t-shirt that reads "France Surrenders"--in Japanese), and HLS followed behind her. She was not angry because of what Ginger and Red did to the house they stayed in Tours, which was burned to the ground after a heated discussion as to whether Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mercury are really lesbians in a popular girls' Japanese animation Sailor Moon. And it wasn't because Ginger and Red used up all the alcohol as Molotov cocktails and started hurtling it at the French Gendarmerie for no apparent reason. Becky was still angry at the fact that Ginger had knew all the time that Darryl Güse, the woman Becky harbored an hidden hatred for, was also after the glass slipper fragments. This may have been the reason why Ginger was targeted.

"Aw, come on Sis," said Ginger. "I'll hijack a beer truck for ya."

"It's not that," said Becky.

"Okay, I'll steal the new experimental HD-camera from Panasonic for the upcoming porno movie."

Becky grinded to a halt and then spun around with a frown on her head. Red, Mira, and HLS stepped to the side so Becky can look down at Ginger.

"So how long were you gonna deceive us?" Becky demanded.

"What, you think I'm not deceiving you right now?" retorted Ginger. "I only just grasped the surface of Darryl Güse's operations around the world, being a hacker that I am. I am only letting you guys tag along because you're my protection. Besides, it's not like I'm not the only one hiding secrets around here. I mean, why do you hate Darryl so much?"

"I'd rater not talk about it..."

"See? And we don't know what the hell Red's backstory is, let alone HLS's, but we can forgive the bitch because she is a bitch."

HLS growls at Ginger.

"That's what you are," Ginger said to her. "A bitch."

"I think you are really overreacting Becky," said Mira.

"Fine then," grumbled Becky. "But from now on, could you be a little more considerate and tell us everything you know?"

"Like hell," said Ginger.

"Is this your old self, or are you really toying with us?"

"Both. Prepare yourself!"

In an action sequence reminiscent of Japanese cartoons, or as Anime fans would call it, Ginger pulled out the Fourthary out of backpack and opened it up to the index. Realizing that she was on the wrong page, she flipped to the middle section, which wouldn't have mattered because she couldn't read the damn ancient writings in the first place.

"What are you doing?" droned Becky.

"With this Fourthary, I'm going to make you guys go crazy go nuts!" Ginger boasted.

"It doesn't work, and you know it."

"Silence! I practiced it on a dysfunctional family with great success. That Tuesday Thursday didn't know what he was doing!"


"You'll pay for that Sis!"

Thus Ginger recited:

Meesa, Cheesa
Narfs, Narfus
Poisie, Poosus

Nothing happened, except that Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS stared blankly at the thoroughly embarrassed Ginger. The only thing that happened was a loud fart of an old man passing by.

"Aw, this book is worthless!" Ginger cried out.

In one thrusting girl-throw, Ginger lobbed the Fourthary over the bridge until it silly struck the head of a sixteen year-old Japanese girl who had been carrying her groceries while walking at the river edge stone walkway. She dropped her bags and fell face forward.

"Oh, shit!" Ginger gasped. "Let's bail!"

Ginger ran like crazy over the bridge and into the inner metropolis of Paris. Red started screaming childishly and runs after Ginger. Becky and Mira shrugged their shoulders, and then started walking along with HLS after the two girls.

And what of the fate of the Japanese girl who got hit on the head? Fortunately, she recovered, but it was unlike her to get hit by a falling book. What she said when she got up was:


Today wasn't the day for Kirika to go on a shooting rampage.

As for Becky and her group, today was the day when they were supposed to scour the most popular museum, the Louvre, for it was said that the glass slipper fragment resided at the unpopular part of the museum, whichever that was.

They have read about it and looked at the pictures, but none of the girls expected the museum to friggin' huge and freakin' crowded to boot. It would take almost a whole twenty-four hours to cover the place if they divided in five. Of course, there was also the problem of supervising the "kids", not to name any names or anything (*cough*Ginger*cough*, *cough*Red*cough*). So they decided to divide in groups and left HLS outside tied to a lamppost to shag the many French poodles that passed by with her double dildo strap-on. Appropriately, Becky went with Red in order to prevent any fires breaking out, and Mira very gladly went with Ginger in order to prevent grand larceny and the pissing off of the multitudes foreign tourists and the French.

"If Ginger tries anything," Becky conversed to Mira in private, "give her a pinch in her already sensitive ass."

Mira nearly drooled and became wet by an image of Ginger's naked butt in her mind. "I will do my best," she saluted.

Then they were off. Becky and Red were the first to enter the museum through the pyramid entrance. Mira and Ginger entered in later after they shared a Cappuccino from the same glass using heart-shaped straws, to which Ginger found to be weird and gay. Mira fluttered behind Ginger, who was busily inspecting the painting and sculptures and thought of numerous ways to steal them or buy them off without spending a dime. Despite Ginger's evil thoughts, she has been in good behavior. This disappointed Mira, for she dearly wanted to pinch or feel up Ginger's butt.

Mira and Ginger made a stop at the Objets d'Art (furniture) collection where, Ginger stopped and snickered at the rare Ottoman Ottoman of Power supposedly used by Napoleon, Hitler, Pope Urban VII, and United States Senator Joseph McCarthy at different periods of time, but it was not too farcical to suggest that it fell through inter-dimensional hands, such as The Almighty Tallest of Irken[i] and Dr. Eggman Ivo Robotnik[ii]. In the secret histories of the occult, it was suggested that the Ottoman Ottoman of Power was made from the seven holy wooden toilet stools Jesus had made in his carpentry days, upholstered by the many bedsheets the great prophet Muhammad soiled in his late teenage years, crafted by a virgin carpenter with severe erectile dysfunction, and stitched by a badly burnt blind man whose arms and legs have been cut off due terrible beheading mishap in the Ottoman empire. The other objects of powers, such as the Spear of Longinus and the Hope Diamond can't even hold a fart-assisted candle to the Ottoman Ottoman of Power (say that nine times fast). It was said that those who maintain a daily ritual of resting their feet on the tenth hour of each morning will be guaranteed great power for at least a thousand years. If one should break the ritual, their invincible power will disappear, which was why the great maniacal leaders of history had fallen or died.

Ginger pulled out a 3com Palm Pilot she had just stolen from a Norwegian businessman on a holiday and jotted down a mental note to steal the Ottoman Ottoman of Power during the glass slipper fragment theft.

"Screw the Fourthary and its successive volumes!" whispered Ginger. "This Ottoman will make me rule the world!"

"But wouldn't the recovered glass slipper fragments be adequate for that?" said Mira.

"What side are you on anyway?"

"I sometimes wonder why there are so many objects purported to rule the world, such as the Mona Lisa, and the Lance of Longinus. What would happen if you collected them all?"

"Then I will have ruled the world ten times over!"

"Squee! You're so corrupt and cool Ginger!"

"Damn right, birch!"

"Did you call me bitch?"

"No I didn't."

Mira almost wished Ginger called her a bitch. It would have made her day.

Ginger turned around and noticed a young French couple arguing about something.

"French people!" Ginger said. "Time to get to work!"

"French people?" wondered Mira.

As Ginger shuffled her way to the couple, Mira was reminded of Becky's orders to pinch Ginger's butt if she tried anything. Realizing that Ginger was a United States American, hopefully not Jewish-American, Mira could only surmise trouble since Americans were implicitly socialized to be anti-French (or anti-foreign in general) and despise their perceived snootyness. Mira shuffled through the crowds with her index finger and thumb in a pincer position. She then struck Ginger's butt right before a word was sounded through her mouth.


The section of the museum suddenly fell silent, and then started to be noisy with loud murmurs. Embarrassed, Mira scooted over to Ginger and wrapped her arms around her.

"Mira, what are you doing?" Ginger asked.

"Um, uh, I thought you were going to piss the French couple off," said Mira.

"No I wasn't. I was about to tell them the location of the restroom for his lady friend."

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"Jeez, you're such a crazy."

Being called that was a low blow to Mira. Distraught, she released her oblivious beloved and took two steps back.

So Ginger, who was surprisingly fluent in French, told the French lady where the bathroom was. She and her catch thanked her, and then the woman ran off to bathroom, which was right around the corner.

The hectic experience made Mira a little stressed. So she took two steps towards Ginger and asked her where the bathroom was.

"Just turn left and it should be down the hall," replied Ginger.

"Thanks," said Mira.

"I have to warn you though--there is a really long-ass line, probably a twenty minute wait."

"Twenty minutes!"

"Lucky for me, I already went by pissing in one of the vases by the main entrance. Woo it stunk!"

Mira dashed past the corner and beheld a long line of women dancing and holding their hands between their legs in an effort to hold their estro-urine in their bladders. At the same time, rows of male tourists, mostly Japanese and Singaporeans, took pictures and recorded videos of the women in line.

"Aw, fuck," cursed Mira.

At the same time, Mira heard people of all languages uttering Ginger's patented "Aw fuck, my butt" in their usual accents. For some, particularly the Germans, it has become a catchy phrase that soon evolved into a catchy tune to which David Hasselhoff sung later this year.

Meanwhile at the Greek collections located at the ground floor, Red made obscene comments concerning the nudity in surprisingly all of the languages spoken by the people present.

"I don't what the hell you said Red-chan," said Becky, "but we have to go do our thing."

Red smiled cutely and waved goodbye to her multicultural fans. With the crowds busy looking at the museum pieces, Becky and Red sneaked off to the south wing hallways where most of the paintings and other artifacts were being serviced or cleaned, or at least they should be since there was no one around. With their powers of sneaking, Red and Becky slid slowly alongside the drying racks while avoiding the cameras. They could have gotten Ginger disable the security system, but today's mission was strictly a scouting excursion of the glass slipper fragment.

"Are you saying my case is not important?" screamed an English-fluent Japanese Interpol inspector.

Becky and Red suddenly froze.

"I am not suggesting that Inspector Zenigata," said the museum curator Martine Curie. "Right now, we have received world that the infamous Carmen Sandiego will be making an appearance."

"Carmen Sandiego?" huffed Zenigata. "Hmph. She's a lot of flare, but she cannot hold a candle to Lupin, who is said to be after the Ottoman Ottoman of Power may I so remind you. Unlike her, he does not need a world criminal organization to literally lift the Louvre off the ground."

"Do not worry sir. We will have our best men on the job to protect this museum and the rarer artifacts down below."

"I'm not so sure about that. But I'm going to stick around tonight to make sure you guys don't screw up."

"And to capture Lupin of course. Do as you wish inspector. Any additional help is welcomed."

"Thank you Madame Curie--I mean, Monsieur Curie."

Becky and Red slid back to the entrance of the service room and back into the hallway. Then they stately paced back to the sculpture of the headless and armless Nike.

"That man has hairy hands," said Red.

"I know Red-chan," said Becky. "Crap. I can't believe Zenigata's here. This is sure to make things difficult and interesting. I guess we have to call off the search. I wonder where the others are at now?"

To answer her question, Mira was waiting painfully in the long line to the women's restroom. With a wicked smile, Ginger tortures the poor women by repeatedly pouring lemonade from one cup to another.

"Um, Ginger dear," said Mira. "I think the women don't like it when you do that."

"The men do," smiled Ginger. "Especially the Japanese dudes."

Minutes later into the torture, Mira finally gets her chance to go. Right as the museum line manager was about to wave her hand for Mira to go, Becky and Red charge into view panting.

"We gotta go!" Becky cried.

"You have to get in line," said the line manager.

"I ain't talking to you! Mira!"

"It will only take a while," said Mira.

"No time!"

Becky grabbed Mira and dashed off with Red towards the entrance in the glass pyramid. Realizing that they were gone, Ginger purposely spills the glasses of lemonade onto the Japanese tourists, bumped into them, discreetly stolen their digital cameras and caught up with her comrades in front of the pyramid entrance. A crowd had already gathered around HLS. Thinking it was a show, they had tossed bills and coins, to which Ginger dove in to scoop up, claiming that it was her dog. As she became a showbarker, Mira held her crotch while looking around.

"So what's the problem?" asked Mira.

"There it is!" Becky cried.

A beer and wine vendor began to pull in with the last bottle of whiskey for sale. Becky charged in and pushed the Swiss customer to the ground and puts down in a lot of Euros for the whiskey. The vendor happily accepted the bills and gave the bottle to Becky, who immediately drowned it down her throat.

"I thought we were in danger!" gasped Mira.

"Ginger ale contains 10% sperm," said Red.

"I have to urinate!"

With the police arriving to quell unauthorized vendors, Becky and her group are forced out. At the same time, Red made an observation that the man who sold Becky the whiskey had hairy hands, and looks half-Japanese and half-French.

As they walked down the busy tourist streets of Paris, Mira desperately needed to go, so she urinated into the empty whiskey bottle inside an alleway. Minutes later when Red became thirsty, Ginger knowingly gave her the same urine-filled whiskey bottle. Red drank it all down without complaint.

"Grandma, your whiskey tastes like Ginger Ale," said Red.

Becky stopped and then glared at Ginger.

"Ginger Ale, huh?" Becky growled.

Becky pushed Ginger into an alleyway unsheathed her sword destined for Ginger's neck. Immediately, Ginger wetted her pants with urine. Satisfied, Becky sheathed her sword and resumed walking down the street.

"Damn you Sis!" Ginger cursed. "One of these days!"

"Can I clean your pants with my tongue Ginger?" asked Mira.



Embarrassed, Ginger walked between Mira and Red hoping that no one will notice. Of course, they do notice, but they decide not to look for fear they might be branded as an urophiliac or at the very least having a fetish for wet crotches.

They took a bus to residential urban area and walk down the cobblestone streets back into time--sort of. The buildings are old but there were modern amenities such as French Autos going down the narrow pathways, scooters, and Sony Discmans. Their destination was their temporary residence vacated courtesy of the Soldats.

When they entered the flat, they noticed a small yellow scooter in the hallway next to mailboxes. Ginger quietly stole the scooter as they made their way to the apartment past the stairway.

Ginger became floored by the interior of the apartment because it was so small. There was only a main great room with a wooden floor, a couch, a giant circular rug, and a small desk. Besides that there was a kitchen, closets, a single bathroom, a windowed nook, and a single bed inlet. To take ownership of the bed, Ginger leapt onto it with the scooter she had just stolen.

"I call the bed!" she cried.

"Me too!" Mira cried.

"The bed is mine foo!"

"Oh please Ginger? It's big enough to accommodate the two of us."

"No! I need to accommodate the scooter, my laptop computers, and other stuff."

Becky walked over and lifts Ginger off the bed by the shirt collar like a puppy.

"If you can beat me, you can get the bed," grinned Becky.

"Er, I guess I could share it with you guys," smiled Ginger.


"I'm going to make some tea!" announced Red.

Becky, Ginger, Mira, and HLS looked at each other just as Red trotted to the kitchen.

"Say," said Ginger, "does Redhead know how to make tea yet?"

Everyone else shook their head a resounding no.

"Hit the deck!"

Almost immediately two gunshots were heard, and the oven exploded in a fiery blaze. As Red stepped backward in a daze, the rest of the girls, including their female dog, attempted to put the fire with the rug, the couch, the bed, the blankets, and drapes. They were successful, but the kitchen, including the microwave and refrigerator were rendered inoperable.

"Grandma, I'm hungry," said Red.

With implicit approval of her peers, Ginger walked up to Red and shouts, "GINGER HEADBUTT!" as she headbutts Red to the ground. It might have hurt this time.

The explosion startled both Mireille and Kirika during their mutual non-sexual simultaneous bathtime. The quickly dried up and get into their house clothes. For Kirika, it was a pink sweater and shots, and for Mireille it was just white button shirt with rolled up sleeves and maybe panties.

"Do you think we have been found out?" asked Mireille.

Kirika replied with the usual grunt, which was starting to annoy the hell out of Mireille. Regardless, she understood what her underage Japanese partner meant, so they make note of where their guns were at.

Suddenly, there was a knock. The young women nod at each other, and then quietly perform a quick game of rock, paper, scissors (or as the Japanese call it, Janken). Mireille loses like she always do, and she screamed out, "Aw, crap!" in her mind not because of the danger presented, but because Kirika was just too damn good.

Thus, she was destined to check the door. As Kirika stands by the rarely used billiard table, where a pistol was hidden underneath, Mireille slowly crept to the door. As she does so, the ruckus of young girls and a dog in heat grew louder. Is this a trap by the Soldats just to throw us off? thought Mireille.

She slowly swung open the door and sees two young women, two teenage girls, and a black panting Doberman looking in. At the head of the group was a young and cosmopolitan Pakistani woman.

"Sorry to disturb you," smiled Mira, "but could you allow us to use your phone?"

Sensing some friendliness with the women, Mireille opened the door all the way, but her partner was still on guard stoically. Then she noticed her scooter being held by a bespectacled tomboyish brat, whose eyes widened at the sight of the Somy[iii] Computer on the billiard table.

"Oh my Goddess!" Ginger cried. "This place is wired!"

Ginger rolled the scooter into the room and dashes off to do her usual hacking and stuff. As Mireille caught up her scooter, Becky and Red marched in to the raid the refrigerator.

"Forget the phone!" Ginger yelled. "I can get our apartment repaired and have them deliver our equipment in a jiffy!"

"Please excuse my companions," bowed Mira. "We had a little accident at our place downstairs."

"Er, okay," said Mireille. "Help yourselves."

"Damn, this connection is f-f-fast!" Ginger hissed. "You got DSL installed in here?"


"I do not mean to be direct," said Kirika, "but we had a rash of strange visitors lately."

"Is that so?" said Becky as she drinks down the canned beer.

"Are you from the Soldats?"

"Fuck no!" cried Ginger. "We're the True Noir!"

Mireille and Kirika were not amused. They looked and saw that there is a problem with the group's configuration.

"But there's four of you," said Mireille.

"Oh yeah!" said Ginger. "It's the True Noir Times Two! Plus HLS."

"Don't listen to her," said Becky. "We're just a bunch of girls passing through in Paris."

"You must be Rebecca Wolfe I presume," said Mireille. "I have heard stories about you."

"I've heard stories about you Miss Bouquet."

"It's great to finally meet you."

"Same here."

Becky noticed something odd about Mireille, and Mireille notices that Becky was staring strangely at her. Becky approached the blonde Corsican woman and suddenly lifted up her white shirt. To her disappointment, she was wearing blue panties, and Kirika blushed uncontrollably at such a wonderful sight.

"I usually go around the house without panties," said Becky.

"Is that so?' said Mireille.

"You should try it sometime."

At that moment, Kirika fantasized about Mireille walking around with no panties. She does know why this was happening to her.

"Whoa, I can't believe you kept the video we sent you," said Ginger.

"Er, well," stuttered Mireille, "despite being somewhat, um, interesting, we are still trying to figure out the identity of the owner of the tit Chloe is suckling from."

Becky and the others closed their mouths as they tried to resist laughing.

"Good luck then," chortled Ginger.

"I blame your poor camera skills," said Becky.

"I say it adds to the mystery."

Ginger looked down and sees two A4-size photocopies of some old book.

"What is this?" she asked.

"It's the only link to the truth of the Soldats," said Kirika.

"You don't have the original book?"

"No. Each copy is different, and each one brings us one step closer."

"I see." A devious plan instantly concocted in Ginger's mind. "You don't mind if I borrow them?"

"Not at all," replied Mireille.


Ginger then placed the two photocopies into her laptop computer bag.

"I'm done here!" she announced. "I'm going to the copy--er, CafÇ store!"

"I'll come too!" Red announced.

"We'll take the scooter!"

"You can't!" Mireille screamed.

"Why not?" asked Kirika.

"You see, um, the scooter, er, needs to be repaired."

"It was running fine this morning."

"You may think so, but on the way home I realized that the catalyst converter needs to be replaced."

"Then we'll wait until you get back."

"Actually I have some errands to run--like right now. You know, all that stuff trying to find out who or what Soldats is and the source of those copies. So...bye!"

With the scooter in hand, Mireille ran down the stairs, out of the door, and rode off. It was a sight to see a panicked young blonde woman riding down the streets of Paris no pants.

There is just no way I can let them borrow my scooter! thought Mireille. I'm not trying to be greedy or anything. After all I bought with my own money, and it was the first vehicle I used after I moved to Paris. It has a lot of sentimental value since uncle and I used to ride in tandem. Besides, none of those girls have a license!

Red, Ginger, and Kirika stood by the doorway in a daze on what just happened.

"She's lying," said Ginger.

"She forgot her pants," said Red.

"I wanna ride the scooter," said Kirika.

"Arf!" said HLS.

Hungry and wanting to drink some French coffee, the three girls and the dog head off to the cafÇ--on foot, while Becky and Mira cleaned up their apartment downstairs. The cafÇ Ginger picked happens to be next to a copy shop, so she excused herself and went inside with her laptop bag slung over her shoulder.

HLS remained still, while Kirika and Red drank away. As they did so, they can see it in each other's eyes that they are very skilled teenagers that can kill a person with a toothpick or a chewed bubblegum, and if possible, they could probably make a bomb out of those items like some guy in an American (U.S.) television show[iv].

"Hold are you Kirika?" asked Red.


"I'm seventeen!"

Kirika was shocked to see that a girl with a personality of child could look so young. The red hair and red riding hood seriously reminded the Japanese teen of another girl who dropped by her flat not too long ago.

Eventually, Ginger came back from the coffee shop with two bags of containing two reams of shrink-wrapped A4 sized paper. She sat down between Kirika and Red and immediately orders a cappuccino and a sandwich.

"What did you copy?" Kirika asked.

"I did not copy; I printed," replied Ginger. "My novel."

Kirika knew she was lying, but she allowed that to slide.

"So I heard you guys are called Noir even though you are not the True Noir," Ginger started. "So if I got a partner and called ourselves Noir..."

"'d get shot," replied Kirika.

"Way to put a damper on my bid for world domination. But we wouldn't get shot because I got the best team working for me. You see, lolicunt here can kill a man with a condom."

"He looked funny when he turned blue and bled from his anus," Red said.

"I can kill a man with a piece of paper," said Kirika.

"Oh!" gasped Ginger. "So you're tryin' to one-up us, eh? You think you can kill a person with any everyday item you see here."

"I can if the opportunity is presented."

Ginger searched around of an item, no matter how insignificant, that Kirika could not use to kill someone. Then their order of sandwiches sand special drinks came into their table. Ginger gripped her straw with her two fingers.

"How would you kill a man using this straw?" Ginger asked.

"Poke out his eye and apply pressure to three points of the heart, and then end at the main aorta," replied Kirika.

Ginger turned to Red. "Can she do that?"

"Yep," replied Red.

"Okay then. How would you kill a guy using this Euro coin?"

"Run it along the wall or a hard surface," said Kirika. "Once sharpened, slit his throat or cut his aorta."

"What if there isn't a hard surface to sharpen the coin?"

"Grip the coin between the knuckles and use it to strike at the center of the chest. They will go down easily."

"Damnit. There's got to be something that you can't use."

Ginger looked around and looked. Finally, she picked up the wrinkled paper wrapper used for straws and grinned insidiously.

"Can you kill a guy with this?" Ginger asked.

Kirika thought and gulped. She has, on occasion, killed people with a blade of grass, but the wrapper from a straw? She got some quick thinking to do.

"Um, you can use it as a means to kill a person," she replied. "You know, like infecting him or choking him..."

"In other words, you can't kill someone with this," said Ginger.

"I need to put in position to use the wrapper effectively."

Ginger suddenly grabbed the plastic fork and lunged it towards Kirika's throat.

"Now die!" she shouted.

"That's not going to work," said Kirika. "You're not a fighter."

Ginger sat back down. "Okay, you got me there. It looks you have to do the job Red."

"Ginger and I stuck Purple's fork in the anus of the village whore," Red said.

"Did you listen to what I said?"

"And she liked it!"

"Well, that was pretty cool of her to scream like that."

"Fork," muttered Kirika.

After they finished their dinner, the girls bought sandwiches and snacks for their older partners back at the flat, and then headed home.

By then, Mireille had already arrived, but the downstairs flat was still a charred mess, and Ginger wanted be on the Internet for a little longer. So by a unanimous vote, all of the girls of Becky (or Ginger depending on who you ask) decided to bunk in the upstairs flat. Mireille was a little uneasy about this, but eventually she did not mind their bright presence. Just as long as no one used her scooter--and that goes double for her partner.

On that night while having wine on the billiards table, to which Ginger and Red played pool to the others' annoyance, Becky revealed to Mireille and Kirika about their plan to infiltrate the Louvre museum and retrieve a special item in their secure storage--the place where they really keep the valuable stuff from public eyes. As it turns out, the stuff they displayed to the public were highly convincing fakes painted by the best imitators, all of whom are employed by all the art galleries and museums around the world in utter secrecy. In fact, there was practically an underground network of skillful imitators who were highly paid and lived seemingly normal lives in the entire globe.

"That Martine Curie hired Zenigata and put up a high security team in anticipation of the capture of Carmen Sandiego," said Becky.

"And it appears Lupin and his gang might make an appearance," added Mira.

"It's like a thieves' convention!"

"So the greatest thieves of the world are after the Ottoman Ottoman of Power," said Mireille.

"Not us."

"I am," said Ginger.

"You don't count."

"Pfft. Here's an eight-ball for you!"

Ginger struck the black ball with the tip of her cue stick, and the ball flew to Becky, who caught it and threw it back to Ginger's head. Ginger collapsed to the floor clutching her head and crying. In response, Mire rushed over to offer to kiss her wound, but Ginger accidentally slapped over and ran to bathroom to cry some more.

"Anyway," continued Becky. "It's going to be difficult because of the people involved. We'd like to wait until it clears over, but right now we have to retrieve the glass slipper fragments before Güse's bitches get them. By the way, we don't really need your help. I mean, you two got Soldats to deal with."

"So who is this Güse character?" asked Kirika.

Becky frowned. "Güse is the one who murdered my family."

They all fell silent, and Ginger poked her head from the bathroom. Suddenly, Becky smiles again and takes a swig of wine straight from the bottle.

"But I'm over that right now!" cried Becky. "As it turns out, my family sucked anyway!"

"So no one else knows?" asked Mireille.

"I hear her organization is bigger than the Soldats," said Mira.

"I heard that she is a lesbian," added Ginger.

"Tribade, Ginger," Red said. "Tribade."

"God damn, whatever jail-bait."

Suddenly, Mireille got up. She motioned to Kirika to follow her into the bathroom. Ginger stepped out as the two partners closed the door. Ginger pressed her head and listened.

Seconds later, Mireille and Kirika emerged from the bathroom.

"Did you two make out?" Ginger asked.

"What are you implying?" Mireille asked. "Anyway, we've decided to help you out, and you can't change our minds."

"Hot diggity! I've got more tribade bitches under my wing?"

"Huh?" grunted Kirika.

Mireille petted the innocent Kirika's soft hair on the head. "Don't listen to her, dear," she said.

Becky folded her arms and smiled. "I guess I can see the 'Blonde Bouquet' and her partner in action," she said. "In that case we'll have to revise the plan slightly..."

As rumors spread, thus nears dread. It was said in the criminal underworld that Lupin would strike thirty minutes before midnight. Yet, there was also word that Carmen Sandiego will be making an appearance around the same time. No one can know for sure if that were the events that were to take place, and perhaps the rumors themselves were but a psychological tactic to work up Zenigata and his men.

Regardless, Becky combined her efforts with supposed Noir, which consisted of Mireille and Kirika, and thus divided the teams accordingly. Team Noir would post themselves on the rooftops, while Team Wolfe snuck in through the sewer line from the river. HLS became the last resort as she pretended to be wandering dog prowling the front entrance of the museum.

It was an easy entrance for all of them. Mireille and Kirika easily karate-chopped their path to the roof. They knocked out two guards, stole their clothes, and pretend to be guarding. Becky and her group took off their scuba gear that was dirtied by the smelly water of the Seine River. Ginger did not like the ordeal at all, and threw up on the guard her compatriots took out and laughed quietly.

"Stop foolin' around Gingerbrat," whispered Becky. "And hack into the security system."

"Yeah, yeah."

With waterproof bag slung over her shoulder, Ginger walked on the narrow stone walkway of the stone catacombs and approached the access door. She skillfully opens up the smartcard reader panel, inserted some probes from her 3Com Palm Pilot and broke through the security.

The cage-like door unlocked. Becky opened it and with sword in hand she led the girls up the stairs and into an entirely different wing of the museum that was not publicly mentioned anywhere on their website. It was two floors down below the underground pyramid entrance, and the walls, ceiling, and floor are utterly clean and high tech.

Red had already disabled the camera in front of the stairs with her bullet, and now the four has to quickly run to the rare artifacts holding chamber before they were ruthlessly ambushed. The girls kicked, sliced, and shot their way past the armed and heavily armored guards who wore near-impenetrable gas masks. They looked scary in their dark uniformed, but that did scare the girls one bit--well, except maybe for Ginger who cowered behind her comrades at each fight.

Finally they made it to giant entrance to the rare artifacts chamber. While Becky, Mira, and Red kept the guards busy, Ginger hacked into the door system using her IBM 660 laptop. After couple of minutes, the giant door slides open through the middle, but only enough for the girls to get through. Once they were in, Ginger ordered the doors closed again.

They were now in a dark chamber that suddenly illuminated upon their presence. The chamber was huge! All over there were art pieces and sculptures encased state-of-the art anti-aging glass cages that spew out an inert vacuum gas. To their discovery, there were also completed pieces of art such as Venus De Milo, who was groping her own breast with her right arm, and the statue of Nike, which turned out to be unfathomably gaudy. The girl with pearl earring was actually painted bald, the self-portrait of Van Gough had multiple earrings on one ear and a Mohawk, and Mona Lisa was actually topless and had sagging boobs. A lot famous art was more risquÇ, heretical, and/or just plain silly. They were kept hidden by many secret organizations such as the Freemasons, the Rosencrucians, Soldats, the Iluminati, and the short-lived Stonecutters[v].

Ginger gingerly trotted over to the nearest computer workstation and discovered that the missing pieces were recovered, but never shown just they can gallery museum cartels can prolong the mystique of incompleteness for profit. She also discovered that the real statue of Michelangelo's David had a much bigger penis, but was sized down due to complaints of the less-endowed church leaders.

"Holy shit!" Ginger cried. "They kept a lot of crap from us! Sis, we really gotta lift this stuff off them and ransom it back to them!"

"We don't have the time!" Becky snapped. "Did you find where the glass slipper fragment is?"

"It's in the back."

Becky marched towards with Red skipping behind her and Ginger greedily leering and drooling at the sight of rare and never before-seen art. Finally they reached the wall of artifact fragments, which were box cells filled with rare pieces that were so fragmented that they cannot stand on its own. They zero in on cell M-05 where the glass slipper fragment lie. It was high up, so Becky gave Mira a boost.

Meanwhile, Ginger spotted the real Ottoman Ottoman of Power inside of its cage and greedily slid over with the others were not looking. She hacked into the security system, disabled it, and opened one of the panels.

"I'm gonna rule the world!" Ginger smiled.

Right when she touched it, the ottoman fell into pieces. Becky and Red turned their heads towards her and stared with narrowed eyes.

"I didn't do it," said Ginger.

"Becky," Mira said as she fingered the glass fragment. "This fragment is fake."

"We've been had," said Becky.

"Right you are!" cried a familiar voice.

Bursting through the cabinets, the larger art pieces, and the hidden chambers in the ceiling were numerous armored French National Police officers armed with FA-MAS assault rifles and telescoping batons. Zenigata leapt out from the collapsing statue David, although the waist containing the huge stone penis remained on him unknowingly. The thick eyebrows, the long sideburns, the hairy palms, the fedora hat, and the brown trench coat was what defined this infamous Interpol inspector as he marched towards the girls spinning his shiny handcuffs about his fingers.

Becky and Red stood defensively while Mira and Ginger hid behind their backs--Ginger especially as she visibly and audibly shook her knees and clattered in teeth.

"I've got you where I want you Goemon, Jigen, Fujiko, and especially you Lupin!" smiled Zenigata.

"Pardon me?" asked Becky.

"I'd knew you'd be coming down here for the Ottoman Ottoman of Power! That is why we moved all of the valuables to the upper levels!"

"So all these are fakes of the real ones?" Mira asked.

"Excuse me Mister Hairy-hands Inspector sir," Red started, "but we're not Gomon, Janken, Fujick, and Luppins."

"You can't trick me with your convincing, albeit provocative, disguises!" Zenigata cried. "Now arrest them!"

Becky, Red, and Mira dropped their weapons and raised their hands up.

"Nothing we can do now but accept defeat," said Becky.

"What?" Ginger cried as she clutched her laptop tightly. "Aren't you supposed to kick their assess when you're cornered?"

"Zenigata may be our adversary, but he's really a nice guy. I don't want to spill any bloodshed on his part."

"Damnit! You are one useless fat-ass Sis!"

And that was perhaps the only time Becky did not spank Ginger on the spot.

The girls were handcuffed and lead to the giant double-door entrance with a happy Zenigata, who seemed to be taking an interest at Becky's figure.

"I have to say Lupin," he smiled, "that's some highly realistic boobs you have on you."

"Um, I'm not Lupin," said Becky. "I could be Goemon as far as I care."

"Save it for the judge!"

Unfortunately, no one can get out. Zenigata marched up to the bespectacled French officer who was trying to get the door open with his fellow comrades.

"What's the hold up?" Zenigata demanded.

"The passcode is not working Inspector," said the officer.

Suddenly, the Inspector's cellular phone vibrated and rang. He pulled it out of his coat pocket and answered it. Martine Curie was the caller.

"Mister Curie," said Zenigata. "We seem to be have some technical difficulty with the door."

"Of course," replied Curie. "I have to congratulate you on capturing the thieves, even if they are not Lupin's and the man himself."

"Whatever. Now can you get me out?"

"I'm afraid I cannot do that. You see, I have been planning this for years since I became the museum director. With you and the police dogs trapped there, there is no stopping me from stealing the entire Louvre from the ground. For you see, I am now an agent of the criminal organization known as V.I.L.E."

"V.I.L.E.?" gasped Mira.

"If you attempt to force open the door, it will release radioactive gaseous agent that won't kill you on the onset, but will eventually bring about pain from cancers years to come."

"How could you?" cried Zenigata. "V.I.L.E. is not known for ruthless murders!"

"I am aware of that, but I intend to make it the most feared organization that even Soldats will bow down to! That Carmen Sandiego is too idealistic for the criminal underworld."

"Martine Curie! When I finally get out of here, I will not only arrest, but I will kick your ass to kingdom come!"

"Idle threats, Monsieur Zenigata, idle threats. But, I have to meet up with my new and then former employer now. C'est la vie."

The phone hung up. Furious, Zenigata threw down his cellular phone onto the polished white floor.

"Damnit!" he cursed. He soon regained composure. "Well, the good news is that I captured Lupin."

"For last fucking time, pops, we're not Lupin's gang!" Ginger cursed.

"But we're still trapped here Inspector!" said the bespectacled officer.

"And most likely the air ducts are booby trapped as well," said Mira. "He'll probably make a clean get away once we disarmed them one by one."

"If you let us go," started Becky, "we can help you capture Curie and stop V.I.L.E. in a jiffy."

"Like I'll ever fall for your tricks Lupin!" Zenigata said.

"Okay. I'd hate to be the Inspector who allowed a crazed criminal get away with all of the contraband art pieces. You'll not only just be the laughing stock of Interpol, you'll earn the wrath of Soldats, if they do exist."

Zenigata turned away and sat on one of the rolling chairs ignoring the girls' faces. As the officers attempted to crack the security code on the reinforced doors, Zenigata's mind wandered off into a dilemma of his duty and his aiding the escape of his captors. What would be more embarrassing? Allowing Curie to get away all of the precious art, or letting respectable thieves go scot-free? Yet, the thought of mistaking girls for Lupin did not once cross his mind. Still, he has to do something.

"All right," he said. "I have decided. I'll let you four go on one condition--that stop Curie and V.I.L.E. and leave this city empty-handed. You got that?"

"Of course," smiled Becky.

"Uncuff them."

"Yes sir," saluted an officer.

They French officers removed the handcuffs from the girls, and Ginger snatched back her laptop computer and stuck out her tongue as an insult.

"I think it is high time we take this off," said Becky.

"I agree," said Red.

All of a sudden, Becky and Red removed their faces and hair--or rather, Mireille and Kirika removed their disguises of those two females. Ginger's jaw dropped in just plain shock.

"What the fuck?" cried Ginger. "When did this happen? Mira?"

"Uh, we sort of left you in the dark about this," said Mira. "Sorry Ginger, but that was part of the plan."

"I don't know how Lupin does this on a weekly basis," said Mireille as she wipes the sweat from her forehead.

"That still won't work on me!" cried Zenigata. "I bet that's another disguise on your head, Lupin!"

"Will you cut that out?" Mireille snapped. "No sane person would wear two latex masks over their heads."

"I'm sure Becky and Red have found out about Curie's plan," said Mira.

"So Sis and Red left us here to die?" Ginger cried.

"She hasn't," said Mireille. "And she's not the kind that would do such a thing. Anyway, would you kind gentlemen give us a boost to the ceiling?"

"Sure," replied the officers in unison.

So the stacked cabinets and boxes were held steady by the eager male French National Police officers, and Mireille, Kirika, Ginger, and Mira climbed up to the ceiling, even though none of them wore skirts much to the disappointment to those down below them. After pulling out the grates of the air duct, Mira and Ginger quickly disabled the sensors and triggers of the radioactive gas release. Then Mireille and Kirika suited up, armed themselves with their usual pistols, and slung grappling supplies and other tools for the climb out.

"Becky will definitely need this sword," said Mireille.

"How come we're not coming along?" Ginger asked.

"Because you need to help Mira disable the lock at the main entrance for their sake."

"Fuck the police!"

Mireille smiled. "Ah, then shall I tell Becky that you called her a 'fat ass'?"

"But it was you I yelled fat-ass to!"

"She'll still spank you regardless."

"Oh fine."

"Good luck you two," said the quiet Kirika.

"You too," said Mira. "We'll meet you guys soon enough."

The two assassins climbed up through the air ducts and disappeared when they turned a corner. Mira and Ginger leapt down to the ground and ran to the main door where they immediately set to work on disabling the trap Curie set for them.

"It looks that Curie bastard placed at least sixteen canisters all over this chamber," said Ginger as she looked at the diagram on her laptop.

"We already disabled one," said Mira. "The rest should be a piece of cake for me."

"But I can't help but wonder that you seem to know more about what's going on in the criminal world that you let on."

Mira leapt up and ran off to the corner to pull out the wall panel.

"No time to talk!" Mira smiled nervously. "We have to get out of here, remember?"

Despite the violence underground, no person has been killed yet, though they were seriously wounded. On the ground level, the hired skilled guards were put to sleep via tranquilizer darts shot by the gimp-like V.I.L.E. agents clad in purple, black, and night vision goggles.

Meanwhile, Martine Curie and two of his closest V.I.L.E. agents marched up the stairs and into the roof where the sleeping guards lie at the northeastern corner of the museum. He was selected by Carmen Sandiego for this operation due to his connections and his expertise in chemicals. This allowed him to not only be hired as a museum director but also because he has the ability to preserve great works of art for millennia to come. His skills will come in handy when transporting the artwork and the entire museum at high speeds.

With almost everyone gassed all around the museum, seven large lifting helicopters that were designed to carry heavy loads descended from the clouds with the V.I.L.E. logo on the side. After positioning themselves at the four corners and the middle of the museum landmark, they fired from their underside three tethered rockets that opened into drills. The rockets drilled into the ground and latched onto the hard foundation. As they hovered, a smaller helicopter descended containing the mastermind of this operation. It landed right before Curie. The helicopter's hatch opened and deployed its stairs. Escorted by two V.I.L.E. agents in suits and dark sunglasses, out comes the red-coated and the beautiful brunette Carmen Sandiego topped with the wide-brimmed red fedora hat. The roaring winds created by the helicopter blades blew her cape-like trench coat from underneath her keens and exposed her red high-heeled shoes and her smooth legs. It almost looked it she was naked underneath the coat.

She smiled. Her red lipstick on her lips was as luscious as ever. He smiled in response. The power was within his sight, and all he needs to do is knock her down the ladder. Curie was a man after fame and fortune ever since he was born. He was a descendant of the famous Curies who discovered radioactivity, he never found satisfying success as a nuclear chemist and decided to sell his services and knowledge to the enemies of the western world, namely the former Soviet Union and terrorists.

"Martine Curie," bowed Curie. "A.K.A. agent Sei Lavie[vi] of the organization of V.I.L.E. is at your service."

"I commend your efforts of keeping the Inspector and French National Police busy Mister Lavie," said Carmen.

"However, you forgot us," said a voice from behind.

Carmen and Curie turned and saw both the real Becky and Red pushing two unconscious V.I.L.E. goons to the ground. After dusting their hands, Becky marched up to Carmen while flexing her fists.

"It's been a while Carmen," said Becky.

"Why, Miss Wolfe," smiled Carmen. "Are you here for my capture?"

"I'm here for something else, and that man Curie has it."

Realizing what Becky was after, Curie puts his hand in his pants pocket and gripped the velvet bag containing the glass slipper fragment.

"Besides being a Assassin-Mercenary, you apparently do heists as well," said Carmen as she stepped towards Becky.

"I was taught by the best you know," said Becky.

"You were taught not to kill in my service."

"I had to. That guard was about to kill you."

"He had a family, Becky."

"That was the risk of being a guard of the most ruthless oil baron in the Middle East. My job was to protect you, and protect you I did."

"There could have been another way."

"Indeed--you could prevent these deaths by stopping your kleptomaniacal excursions."

"But I can't do that. You do know why people risk their lives in deadly stunts for the thrill of it. For me, this is an intellectual thrill--an addictive game of cat and mouse. It is a drug that I cannot just quit cold turkey. I want to steal this museum off this ground Becky, and not even you will stop me."

"We'll see about that."

Becky removed her jacket, while Carmen removed her yellow scarf and red trench coat amidst the wind generated by the roaring blades of the helicopter. Becky was now exposed in her tank-top undershirt, while Carmen exposed herself in a white long-sleeved button shirt, a yellow and red-striped tie, and a black mini-skirt held fast by suspenders. Carmen was surprisingly busty, which was one of the reasons why Becky was attracted to her. Her red shoes have are specially made by one of her agents (and possible lover), Sara Bellum, and they have special hydraulics in the heels and other hidden features that can allow Carmen to jump and run without the risk of soreness towards the front of the foot.

The two women broke down into their fighting staring down at each other and ready to strike. Even though she was without her sword, Becky was very adept at fighting barehanded, but this will be the first time she'll fight Carmen in a life-and-death situation.

"Red-chan," said Becky. "Extract the fragment from that Curie bastard."

"I will," nodded Red.

Carmen and Becky launched towards each other with a punch, and then flipped towards themselves with a kick. They missed, and the clashed again with another kick.

"I guess you still got it Carmen," said Becky.

"I'm only thirty-eight dear Becky," smiled Carmen.

"And you look as hot as ever."

"You flatter me so."

They released their feet and flipped back. It was amazing that Carmen can keep her hat on during this fury, which was why she was so legendary.

Meanwhile, Red chased westward on the slanted rooftops after Curie while the V.I.L.E. goons covered his escape. During the gunfight, Curie hid behind window outcropping and pulled out his detonator.

"Just a little longer, Carmen," he smiled, "and you're through."

Inside the museum, Mireille and Kirika fought through way through the gimped V.I.L.E. agents, but not without killing them and without harming the art pieces. Of course, those two were trained to kill due to the nature of their profession, yet they upheld Becky's command in honor of Inspector Zenigata. Unfortunately, it was becoming difficult as the V.I.L.E. agents were swarming in at great numbers, but these men were different. Besides being armed with live bullets, their eyes, despite being covered by goggles, have the look of murder.

Usually at this time, some techno opera or choral composed by a Japanese woman born in Europe would be playing amidst beautifully bloodless violence, for that would be "Mireille and Kirika kick-ass" theme song[vii].

"This isn't like them to fight this way," said Mireille as she and her partner hid behind a pillar. "I don't think they are even Carmen's men."

"Unh," nodded Kirika.

"You know, that is really starting to annoy me."

"I'm sorry."

Mireille smiled. "I guess we'll have a long talk about this in bed."

The two stepped out and fired their bullets at the goons' non-vitals, which include their limbs. As they collapsed, Mireille and Kirika dashed over them and climbed the stairwell leading to the roof. Mireille mentally checked one more time if Becky's Shinseiki katana was still tied on her back, and it was.

But the situation on the roof suddenly turned worse. Right after Red shot down the V.I.L.E. goons protecting Curie, the man himself stepped out with his hands held up in the air in a gesture of surrender. In this right palm was the velvet bag containing the real glass slipper fragment. Red slowly walked up to him with her pistol pointed at him.

"I surrender!" cried Curie.

"Put down the bag Mister Curie," commanded Red.

Curie did what she wanted, and then took two steps back. Red approached the bag and with her free left hand she reached over to grab it. Right when her fingers hovered above it, a violent colored gas expelled from the gas and into Red's face. Curie took advantage of the trap and shot Red with two tranquilizer darts. Red collapsed unable to move efficiently, but she was still conscious. Curie smiled sinisterly as he lifted her up to her feet as his new hostage.

The fight continued elsewhere between the Assassin-Mercenary and the smartest kleptomaniac in the world.

"Seriously woman," said Becky. "You need to get laid."

Carmen blocked Becky's punch with her gloved palm.

"Are you suggesting that you weren't sufficient enough?" she suggested.

"I meant that you should move on," replied Becky. "I can't believe you still hold a candle to me."

"It was a mistake. You know I don't sleep with own operatives--especially a woman!"

The two jumped back. Then they charged put each other into a painful stranglehold.

"You are so fucking repressed, Carmen," said Becky. "So what if you lost your parents. The same thing happened to me. You really ought to stop this stealing of national treasures and monuments."

"I can't stop Becky!" Carmen cried. "I can't! It's the only way I can live!"

"That's a lot of bullcrap! Your non-fatal thievery is causing more damage than you think! Think of all the taxes being siphoned from the people so that the governments can clean up and cover your damn mess! That money could have gone to education and medicine, and you took it all away from them! You are no saint bitch!"

"It takes one to know one!"

"I fight and kill because I have to survive! Those people had it coming! It's part of the job description!"

Carmen suddenly lifted Beck up into the air and slammed her onto the roof pro-wrestling style.

"No one should take the life of another Becky," said Carmen.

"I wish I can adhere to that, but I am more pragmatic," huffed Becky. "By the way, about that Martine Curie guy..."

"I already know. I banked on your guys' appearance to stop him."

"That's a very clever plan, Carmen," cried a voice.

From the shadows, Curie showed himself with an unmoving Red in his arm. He has a special pistol syringe poised for her neck.

"Red-chan!" Becky cried.

"Agent Sei Lavie!" Carmen cried. "What's the meaning of this?"

"I made doubly sure that I replaced your V.I.L.E. agents with those loyal to me," said Curie. "Of course, that was easy because almost all of them were getting sick and tired of your plans. What kind of criminal thief would toy with an international agency by stealing things and putting them back where she found it? I suppose in some way you keep the incompetent and one-track-minded ACME agency on life support because that was where you got your skills from. An interesting economic model no less, but the times are changing. Your silly games will now end here. I'll create a new V.I.L.E. that will not only control the world, but will also empower the masses--something that your egotistical mind cannot fathom."

"You intend to take over the world?"

"I merely want to create a new world order, Carmen. A world that won't go crazy with you stealing the Statue of Liberty and whatnot."

"Then what do you intend to do?"

"Kill you--for real. Along with everyone else in this museum, including that pesky Japanese Interpol who can't even catch the descendant of a legendary thief."

"Becky," Red uttered.

Becky pulled a throwing knife from her pocket, to which Curie noticed.

"I wouldn't if I were you," said Curie. "I can tell how precious this girl is to you. Even you should know that I have the upper hand."

"Becky, you shouldn't," said Carmen.

"I'm following the first rule of my methodology," said Becky. "Only, my love is on the line."

Carmen's eyes widen. "Your love?" she gasped. She then dropped down to her knees in complete shock. "Even so, you still shouldn't kill him."

"This man is evil Carmen. You're lucky they allow you to live because of your no-kill policy."

"Just give it up Old Wolfe-ears," said Curie. "I've got numerous dirty bombs rigged all around this museum, and they will most certainly shorten your lives. As for me, I'll get away with the last laugh. I will no longer be remembered as the black sheep of the famous Curies!"

The helicopter meant for Carmen and Curie suddenly blew up. In the midst of the distraction, Kirika leapt over Curie and Red with triple axial spin. Kirika shot at both Curie's left and right shoulders, causing him to let go of Red and his syringe pistol. Becky dropped her knife and dashed over to retrieve her beloved.

"Becky!" Mireille cried. "Catch!"

Appearing from the roof's edge, Mireille unsheathed the Shinseiki and threw over to Becky, who caught in snap.

"You wenches!" Curie growled. "I'll make you pay for this!"

Curie pulled out his silver and cylindrical dirty bomb remote detonator device ready to push the button. Becky suddenly sprung to her feet and in one slash she sliced off Curie's arm holding the detonator and his chest. The detonator itself slid across the roof and Mireille dove and caught it before it fell to the ground. Curie collapsed writhing in pain. Becky looks down on him with the tip her katana pointed at his head.

"Usually I would have killed you on the spot," said Becky. "Especially after putting my girlfriends' life at risk. However, I've decided not to at the request of my friend."

Becky looked back at the dazed Carmen and smiled. Carmen did not return her feeling in kind. Afterwards, Becky searched Curie and pulled out the glass slipper fragment inside of a plastic bag from his pants pocket, and then pockets it inside her pants pocket.

"I guess you can go home now, Carmen," said Becky.

"How could you have done this to me?" Carmen said.

Carmen pulled out from her a pocket in her chest a rectangular remote device and pushes the red button. All of a sudden, the ground started the shake. The giant helicopters that anchored themselves to the ground accelerated their rotors and were now in the process of lifting the entire museum from the grounds of Paris. It turns out they were automated a

Chapter 16

Title: Rampion Nuzel

Chapter 15: Rampion Nuzel

Along with her crew, she walked up to the recently constructed Gothel Tower far from main streets of Nashville.

"Hey Rampion Nuzel!" Becky yelled. "Rampion Nuzel! Come out and send down The Hair!"

Arriving into view on the protruding fifth-floor balcony was an Eastern European woman with long golden hair that reached almost to the floor, and she was surrounded by a Beatles tribute band known as The Hair--right now, they were dressed in colorful Sgt. Pepper uniforms and armed with dangerous handguns.

"Fuck you, you fucking American!" Rampion yelled back. "And your fucking Pakistani friend too!"

"Well, I never!" Mira frowned.

"Red can pick that Russian bitch anytime!" Ginger cried.

"We need her alive, unfortunately," said Becky. "Or else she won't tell us where the glass slipper fragment."

"Go home!" Rampion yelled.

"You shut the fuck up!" Ginger yelled. "And send out your assassins! The Hair!"

"But we didn't have our tea yet," droned John, the leader of The Hair.

"And what will you do about it you New Jersey Yankee?" chided Jacob.

"Piss us off?" said Jingleheimer. "With what?"

"Your Jewish piss?" added Schmidt.

"I ain't no Yankee!" Ginger cried. "Becky, let's storm this fucking tower!"

"Like hell we can," said Becky. "You do recall that Rampion sealed off their doors."

Suddenly, a rubber chicken fell on Becky's head. Immediately after, various rubber and blunt objects rained silly on Becky, Red, Mira, Ginger, and their dog HLS. Objects include European porno magazines, blow-up dolls, Japanese comics, anime fansub tapes, rubber balls, slimy Nickelodeon toys, chewed-up and worn-out sex toys, action figures from defunct and unknown cartoon shows, and empty bottles of Sunny Delight.

"Ah, shit!" Ginger cursed. "Stop throwing shit at us!"

"Fuck you!" Rampion cried.

Becky and her crew ran pathetically from the rain of junk to the sealed front door of the Goethal Tower.

"What do we do now Becky?" Mira asked.

"It looks like we'll have to get some explosives or battering ram," said Becky.

"Oh yeah!" Ginger cheered. "We get to blow shit up!"

"Yay!" Red cheered.

"Arf," barked HLS.

Then they heard something unbolt. The girls turned around and saw that the reinforced shutters were retracting into the walls and the floor one by one. Finally, the front revolving doors unlocked.

"You might want to check it if it's booby-trapped Sis," said Ginger.

"Isn't that your job?" Becky asked.

"Um, well, I, uh, I am a valuable asset to this team! I'm not expendable!"

Red and HLS suddenly went through the revolving doors and happily ran around inside of its chamber. Nothing happened except that Ginger's butt was accidentally rubbed by the door, causing her to yell, "Aw, fuck, my butt!" much to Mira's wet delight.

After stopping Red's playfulness, the girls cautiously entered the dimly lit entrance lobby with their weapons drawn, or as in the case of HLS and Ginger respectively, their teeth and laptop computer out. It was empty, and the overhead security monitor was set to "Video 1" instead of showing the visitors themselves on screen.

"It must be one of those--" started Becky.

"Yeah, yeah, one of those traps," said Ginger. "Let's just take the elevator and kick some ass already."

"We should take the stairs," Mira suggested.

"If they let us in without incident," said Becky, "then they want us to meet them."

"You're obviously walking into a trap fat a--" Ginger said.

"Shush! No time for spanking! We gotta kick ass you know."

"That's my Sis!"

So they merrily took the elevator without incident, and they quickly reached the fifth floor where their targets would be waiting. This floor was the recreation room filled with exercise equipment, spas, lounge chairs, and a bar. The girls maneuvered through the floor searching for the entrance to the balcony, but they end up before a sealed-off large room.

Becky burst inside that sealed room. It was dark, and the door she kicked was heavy. She turned on her small flashlight and moved in with the others behind her. The walls were very shiny and glassy, as with the floors themselves.

The door behind abruptly closed by itself and bolted shut. Instinctually, the girls and their dog bunched up with the backs behind one another. All of a sudden, they came on. One by one the flat monitors consisting of the walls, doors, floor, and ceiling flickered into a dim glow that displayed the green text of "Video 1" on a dark gray screen.

"That's a lot of TVs," said Mira.

"More precisely flat-panel LCD monitors," corrected Ginger. "This place is loaded with them!"

"So they want us to watch something," smiled Becky. "I hope it's entertaining."

"Becky," Red uttered.

"Just remember the second rule and we'll be fine."

The screens turned blue, and now play was displayed. Colorful lines flickered, and they was an older but still beautiful woman sitting on the edge of a expensive bed inside and expensive room with her leg crossed over her crotch very provocatively. Dressed in satin pink lingerie, the woman smiled. As the camera readjusted itself, the woman revealed to have wolf ears on the top of her head, just like Becky's.

"Mother?" gasped Becky.

Her sword dropped onto the floor.

"Buongionoro," spoke the cameraman off-screen.

"Buongionoro," giggled Becky's mother.

"You are doing well, Virginia?

"I am."

"Are you worried about your husband?"

"Why should I? If I know Nero, he's probably at his friend's house with those whores."

"He is Italian and horny. Are you doing this to get back at him?"

"No. Even with his faults, I still love the asshole. I am only doing this out of fun."

"So shall we get started then?"

"Yes please."

"Ooh, looks like some action is about to go on!" grinned Ginger.

Usually, Becky would be content at watching a porn movie of any kind, including Down Syndrome porn. However, for this one, she could not bear to watch. She can't take off her eyes because the monitors were everywhere, and so was the sound. She collapsed to her knees breathing and sweating heavily.

"Please mother," she gasped. "Don't..."

On the screens, Becky's American mother, Virginia, engaged in a provocative orgy with four other men, most of which aren't bad. Mira and Ginger sat down to watch while waiting, yet Red and HLS came to Becky's care.

"What's wrong?" Red asked her.

"It's not that bad," said Ginger. "Shocking, but not bad."

Becky covered her eyes and curled up, but the glow from the monitors and the sounds were overwhelming her. All of a sudden, all of the girls beheld a sickening sight on the video:

A scat orgy.

Becky screamed at the top of her lungs, and she began striking the floor with her sword. The glass panels were tough, and barely a scratch was made. She then collapsed on the ground sobbing, and Red held on to her.

After five or ten minutes, the video stopped, and revered to the blue screen of the VCR. Becky lied there cringing, while Mira, Ginger, and HLS looked on. Ginger wasn't too pleased. Becky was exposed to her sole weakness, but she wasn't pissed. Rather, she was sobbing like a little girl. Pissed herself, Ginger kicks Becky's butt.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked. "You're supposed to be pissed!"

"Shut-up," sobbed Becky.

"I looked up to you Sis! I sort of assumed that your weakness for scat was just a pet peeve. But no! It turns out that it caused you heavy psychological trauma! Sure, I do enjoy mentally torturing people, but it's no fun that they don't respond! Damn it!"

"Perhaps we should get out of here," suggested Mira.

Right after, the two exit doors unlocked and opened. Before them in the middle of the wall was cool air blowing from the exit to the balcony. Red sheathed Becky's Shinseiki and helped her to her feet, while Mira and Ginger cautiously took point.

"They're not here," said Mira.

"We're on the balcony, right?" Becky asked.

"Of course we are," said Ginger. "Are you blind?"

"Yes, I am."

"Stop fucking around!"


Red waved her hand across Becky's eyes. They did not move.

"I think she is," said Red.

"This is just great!" Ginger cried. "Our fearless leader is now blind!"

"It must be caused by the trauma when she watched the video," Mira said. "I think we'd better find a safe place to recover."

"Can you cure Grandma?" Red asked.

"I can't. Her condition is something she must fight on her own."

"God damn it," Ginger cursed.

They led the blind Becky out of the balcony and the monitor room. Upon arriving the hallway, the colorfully dressed The Hair surrounded them with their assault rifles.

"Aye, look what we got here fellas," smiled John.

"Old Wolfe Ears and her little troupe," added Jacob.

"Mira!" Red cried. "The gas!"

Mira threw two special canisters spewing out smoke at both sides. As The Hair fired their guns, Red rolled into view to deflect their bullets and fire back, Ginger and Mira took Becky and rammed through Jingleheimer and Schmidt. Red soon joined up with her teammates as they broke into the stairwell and headed up the floors. Red covered their escape using her two Walther PPK pistols.

"Hurry up Red!" Mira cried.

Mira threw down another exploding smoke canister, and Red kicked into the doorway before the hair could get through. Using her teeth, Red pulled the pin off from one of her grenades and threw it to the doorway. The explosion blocked the entrance, and Red headed up to the stairs up to the eighth floor.

HLS was waiting for her when she arrived. Red followed to the empty network server room where the other three barricaded themselves in. After securing the exit, Red joined Mira, Ginger, and Becky as they huddled behind computer server racks, some chairs, a couple of tables, and one microwave.

"Red, why didn't you kill them?" Ginger demanded.

"Grandma's safety is first priority," said Red.

"Never knew that Sis was a cowardly fat-ass."

"What did you say to me?" Becky yelled.

Ginger stepped aside as Becky mistakenly pulled Mira over her lap, pulled her pants down, and began whacking her ass incessantly. Ginger laughed. Realizing her mistake, Becky lets go of Mira and allowed her to rub her now swollen butt.

"Sorry about that Mira," said Becky.

"I'm right over here," said Mira.

"You're right. This ass is too small."

Without realizing it, Becky was fondling HLS's butt. She ran her hands across the Doberman's sleek body until she reached the prosthetic nose hanging off her collar. HLS growled and bit Becky's hand.

"You stupid dog!"

Becky punched wildly, and inadvertently hit Red square in the face.

"Damn it!" Becky cursed. "Hold still!"

"Grandma!" Red cried as she held part of her red cloak to her bloodied nose. "Remember the second rule!"

"How can I abide by that when Rampion Nuzel knew my weakness? She's in cahoots with Güse!"

"What does that scat video have to do with Güse?" Ginger asked. "Did she con your mother into the orgy?"

"I didn't know it could be so traumatic," said Mira.

"It's not that," said Becky. "It's what happened after I watched the video. I already knew mother had strange fetishes."

"Strange fetishes?" Ginger grinned. "Ooh, tell us more!"

"Tell us," said Mira.

"Tell us Grandma!" cried Red.

"Arf!" barked HLS.

"It this were a TV show," started Becky, "we'd fade to a flashback."

I was born on 1978 in Porto Torres in the island of Sardinia, you know, that island of Italy south of Corsica, which at that time was controlled by the powerful Bouquet Family.

Anyway, my father was a nobleman and regional mob lord Nero Wolfe. While he was traveling to New York to visit some relatives, she met a Virginia Stephen, to which he promptly married. He took her back to Sardinia and had three children. The first was my older brother Thomas (or Tommaso as the local people call him), the second being yours truly, and the third was my younger brother Melvin (don't ask--my mother named him when she was drunk).

Despite our respected nobility and our control of most of the island, our family of five was quite odd, and our Libyan servants always made sure to ridicule us in their tongue, which my brothers and I understood since they themselves taught us Arabic on the side. Even so, we ourselves made fun of ourselves once in a while.

My dad always wanted to be a detective, but after failing to become an officer, he accepted his true calling and became the mob lord of our town. His first act was to punish the local police precinct for making fun his weight by singing their hair and putting matches on their toes so they can dance around like silly fools. After that that he didn't do some serious illegal acts except for the occasional extortion scheme of the mainlanders. He was promiscuous with other women, as with my mom with other men many years younger than her, so it kind of evened out. Once a month they would have sex, and they stopped when Melvin was born.

My mother was a daughter of a London prostitute who came to America for a better life. After her mother passed away due to a coffee overdose, Virginia had odd jobs such as waitress at Boobers (the precursor to Hooters), a reverse-stripper in Alaska, and an escort gal for Down syndrome clients. Father met mother when she was working at Studio 66 somewhere in New Jersey and they hitched immediately for no apparent reason other than the fact they met during a really messy scat orgy. During that time, the two of them intended to marry completely different people. Father ended his engagement with Cher's original body, and mother did the same with Herbert Hoover, who wore an S&M dress whenever he came to Studio 66 for "business".

My brother Thomas was seven years older than me. He was handsome, smart, and athletic, and had a thing with older women. I thought he was gay when confessed his fetish to me. Even at the age of fourteen, he was currently courting women more than twice his age.

My shy younger brother Melvin, who was two years younger than me, wore thick glasses and was a complete bookworm. Often, he was picked on in school, so naturally he would run to me for safety, being the tomboy that I was. Thomas often joked that he might turn gay if he grew up. I wouldn't mind really. Of all of the family members, I loved Melvin the most since he was cute.

I on the other hand despite all the promiscuous nannies and maids became a complete tomboy since there weren't a lot of female role models to choose from. In fact, I thought females were pretty weak considering the rural society I lived in. I was tall, and I kept my hair short. I was the heartthrob of all the girls and the undisputed leader of all the boys at my private school. Both mother and father were proud of me even though they did not know how I acted or what my grades were. I get into a lot of fights with older and stronger men and won, and I was then told that I single-handedly brought peace between all of the rival mob families of our island.

So life went well in our seaside town. Since father was a partner with the Bouquet family in Corsica, my brothers and I often played with Mireille and her brother. Sometimes, the daughter of the Cosa Nostra dropped by whenever her family came to visit. I hated that bitch. She's too psycho and too serious. What girl would pick flowers, fashion into a crown, and cut them into pieces with a dagger? So whenever Intoccabbile appeared, I would attack her, slap her around, and put her in a wrestling hold until she tapped out. She really can't back out of my torment since her father forced her to play with me.

Our visits to Corisca stopped when my father, Mister Bouquet, and the head of the Cosa Nostra was called into a meeting by the German mob lord Mistress Güse and her young teenage daughter Darryl Güse. I never caught a good glimpse of Mistress Güse, except that she was middle aged, but not haggard, and she carried with her an ornate Japanese sword with a dragon-shaped handle. Her daughter had a similar sword. I never liked Darryl when I caught sight of her piercing eyes. She was, as I would describe her, a "tall, dark, and bishoujo," but evil. She didn't look German, and she wasn't quite East Asian. I sort of assumed that she was fathered by a foreigner or adopted.

Thomas was fourteen, Melvin was five, and I was seven at that time. I wanted to listen on what they were saying, but Thomas pulled me away so we could play with the Bouquet children and that bitch Intoccabbile.

"Why are you pulling me away?" I asked Thomas.

"You saw the look on that girl's eyes, right?" he said.

"He's the same age as you," said Melvin. "Does she like you?"

"I don't know. But I don't like her, and it is clear that she does not like me."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well, um, you see... I sort of seduced her mother."

"That's not good," said Melvin.

"Let's forget about that right now. There's Mireille and his brother to play Voltron with, and Intoccablile to beat up."

"You got that right," I said. "Let the torture begin!"

And thus I had fun messing with Little Miss Cosa Nostra.

Since then, we never set foot on Corsica ever again.

I did not know what transpired during that meeting, but father had been feeling fearful lately, and he confessed to my mother in secret. She brushed it aside and laughed. Then she went off to the secret boy brothel to do her thing. Or perhaps she pretended to for our sake.

Father pulled us out of school and decided to homeschool us. He even fired all of our servants, maids, and nannies, and made sure that our teacher had a clean record. Melvin and I protested this, but Thomas told us to keep our mouths shut. It seemed that he knew more of what was going on.

One day during breakfast, my family suddenly treated me with the utmost respect. Mevlin stopped acting shy and seemed braver than usual. Mother wasn't being flighty, and Thomas seemed less like playboy for older women.

"You're doing okay?" father asked.

"Yes papa," I replied. "So what's up?"

"We'd like to have you run a special errand to uncle Leo's house."

"I don't wanna go there again."

"Listen to what your father says," snapped mother.

"What I want you to do little Rebecca," said father, "is to get some vintage wine in his cellar."

"Why can't you get our servants to do that?" I asked.

"We fired them, remember?"

"Then can Thomas and Melvin come with me?"

"We have to help papa clean out the storage shed," Thomas replied.

"We then have to go into town and get some bread from the baker," added Melvin.

"We're preparing for a big celebration!" mother interjected.

"Oh, I see," I said.

"Indeed," said father. "That is why I want you to get the wine yourself. I don't want any marauders to steal my precious 1923 from me."

"Okay papa! I won't fail you."

I left them on my bicycle, but I noticed that their faces were forlorn when I waved goodbye.

It was a relatively long trip to uncle Leo's house and vineyard. He was strange man, because he had a sock fetish. It did not matter what gender you were, if you were to spend a day at his place, all your socks would turn out missing. Even if you were to find them later, it would be grossly soiled and altered past its sane usefulness. Father always lamented his kooky brother's fetish, and wished he had normal fetish like that of a fondness for women's panties. Then again, sock and undergarment fetish were pretty unsanitary in the first place, and I often wonder if anyone became sick from collecting clothing from other people's drawers (no pun intended).

So I discarded my socks in a trashcan that was put out at the side of the road before I arrived. Uncle Leo, his wife Cleo, and their daughter Anna (who was six years older than me) welcomed me with open arms. All three of them were sockless as usual just as I was.

"Hello little Rebecca!" greeted Leo Wolfe. "We got some work for you do today!"

"I was supposed to pick some wine kooky Leo," I said.

"Ah, but you did owe me for drinking the vintage 1897 from my private stash."

"Damn it. I guess I have to repay you."

So I assisted my uncle and his family in stomping grapes, distilling wine, and tasting win, the latter of which uncle pressured me to do until I became drunk. Because of that I fell asleep after boxing with Anna, and woke up many hours afterward realizing that I have to get back to my house.

"Uncle," I said. "I need that vintage right now."

"Rebecca," spoke a forlorn uncle, "I don't think you should be going back right now."

"Why not?"

"We have to leave, Becky," said Anna.

"What are you hiding from me? What's going on?"

"We must hurry little Rebecca," said Cleo.

"Something must be going on with my family, right? Then I have to get back to them!"

"You can't!" cried uncle.

I broke from their restraints and started up uncle's motorized (and supposedly enchanted) yellow Vespa scooter. At a fast speed, I went down the road back to my house and saw a couple of dark sedans there. Immediately, I snuck in through my parents' bedroom and saw mountains of human feces surrounding my unconscious mother.

"Mama!" I cried. "Wake up!"

She wasn't breathing. There was no pulse in wrist and no beat from her heart. She lied there with glassy eyes and shit coming halfway from her anus.

"Dear God, mother what have you done to yourself?" I wept.

"...lucky for her that she died of constipation," said a voice from the backyard patio.

"Can't say the same for these three fools..." said another.

I wiped my tears and quietly snuck past the camcorder and out of the room. I made my way down the hallway and the closer I approached the louder was the whimpering were my father and brothers. I poked my head past the corner beheld a horrific sight past the windowed sliding doors.

I saw Mistress Güse and her daughter Darryl along with there others. The first was seven years old and had pretty hair and a pretty face. The second, who was a little older than me, had nappy hair and held two bloodied knives in her hand. The taller woman had a shaved head underneath a fedora hat, and she flexed her hands menacingly at my family.

My father, Thomas, and Melvin were on the ground with hands in their blood-soaked crotches. Melvin was whimpering loudly and pathetically yet the police or my father's men did no come to their aid. The older girl licked her knives grossly and seductively, and with the other she ate a bloodied cylindrical piece of flesh that I dared not to describe let alone remember.

"Oh why do you not prefer girls your age or younger?" the demented girl said to Thomas. "You Sardinians have strange tastes."

"I'll ask you again," said Mistress Güse, "where is your daughter?"

"I won't tell!" father cried out.

"Let me at him Mistress!" cried the demented girl. "I'll cut off his nipples and eat them!"

The skinhead woman put her large hand on the girl's shoulder and pulled him back.

"Mother," spoke the girl.

"So you'll be willing to sacrifice your sons to protect her I take it," said Mistress Güse.

"We chose of our own accord!" cried Thomas.

"Your valiant efforts were such a waste. Darryl my dear, will you do the honors?"

"Certainly mother," said Darryl.

Darryl stepped forward and unsheathed her dragon-handled sword.

"Secret technique DRAGON BLAZER!"

With that shout, Darryl made a single slash and literally blasted my father into pieces. Blood splattered all over the patio and everyone's bodies.

"Papa!" Thomas yelled.

Darryl performed her deadly Dragon Blazer technique at Thomas, and his remains splattered all over. Frightened beyond compression, Melvin mustered the strength to get back on her feet to run away. I anticipated in grabbing him, but Darryl killed him by yelling out and performing the "Dragon Shooter", which was a lazer-like slash that blasted a hole through his chest. My eyes watered and I covered my mouth in horror of my baby brother.

Suddenly, the pretty girl of my age saw me. She drew out her handgun and with both hands fired a shot. The bullet grazed my shoulder as I escaped through my room.

"She's here," she said.

"After her!" cried Mistress Güse.

I ran for my life as I jumped out of my bedroom window. By sheer luck, uncle's truck pulled up before me on the driveway, and leapt into the trunk with Anna and the yellow Vespa scooter. Uncle and auntie Cleo were in the front seats. The car reversed went on the roadway as the pretty girl took a shot at the tires.

"Uncle Leo!" I cried.

"They're after you," he said.

"But why?"

"It's best that you don't know in order to protect yourself," said Cleo.

"Then why did my dad and my brothers have to die? If they told me the truth, I would have sacrificed myself!"

"We can't let Güse take you or else the world will be in peril," said uncle.

"In time, you will discover the truth about the blood that flows in your veins," said Cleo.

As uncle tried to maintain control of his beat-up truck, one of the dark sedans appeared. Stepping out from the sunroof was that pretty girl, and this time she was armed with a sniper rifle. She fired a shot, and Anna pulled me down into the truck bed. The bullet went through rear window and through auntie's head.

Still, uncle pressed further. Anna leapt onto the Vespa and pulled me behind her. On a count of three, the two of launched out of the truck bed just as the child assassin fired another bullet through uncle's head. The truck spiraled out of control, and Anna sped up the Vespa and went off road through the fields.

I could hear the truck crash and exploding. Yet the dark sedan containing Mistress Güse and her girls were still on our tail.

"Please," I cried to Anna. "Just stop. I give myself to them. You don't have to die."

"I promised your father that I would protect you with my life," said Anna. "I know, I'm thirteen years old, but that doesn't mean I spent my life in vain. Becky you have to live not just for the world, but for all of us!"


A bullet struck Anna's head. I quickly wrought control and pushed Anna's now-deceased body aside. I was fast approaching the cliff, and the dark sedan was fast approaching me. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to bank on the story of the enchanted yellow Vespa and closed my eyes as I flew off the cliff.

"This is an enchanted scooter," my uncle once told me. "It can fly."

Yes! I was flying!... for only a moment. I reopened my eyes only to scream haplessly at my descent to the jagged waters and rushing waters. I was pulled under the waves and was rendered unconscious.

When I came to, I didn't know where I was or what day it was. Then I heard voices and looked with hazy eyes at two older children.

"It looks like she's alive, Ted," said a cute black girl.

"I'll go get Gottmutter!" said the blonde boy named Ted.

I fully awakened in a small room in a small house by the Mediterranean. Looking over me were the two children I saw earlier and a big black woman dressed in colorful African dress.

"Are you awake little one?" said the big black woman.

I nodded.

"You have your scooter to thank you for that," she continued. "If you had let go of it, you wouldn't have made it all the way to Tétouan."


"You're in Morocco," smiled Julie.

"My name is Venus Gottmutter," said the big black woman. "And these are my children, Julie Hime and Ted Theodore."

"What's your name?" asked Ted.

"Rebecca," I said. "Rebecca Maryland Wolfe."

"Welcome to our family Becky," smiled Gottmutter.

And that was how I first Gottmutter, Julie, and Ted.

Upon chance I landed on her winter home in Tétouan, Morocco. They readily took me in even though I said nothing about my past, though I could assume they sensed it in my eyes. I spent my days there playing with Julie and Ted as well as doing errands and some chores, some of which were dangerous and illegal. On certain days, I would spend the night alone in my room crying over the loss of my family. I could only assume the worst scenario that all my friends and relatives were murdered just for knowing me. But for what reason?

One night, Gottmutter came into my room to check on me, but I already had my question prepared for her after wiped my tears fully.

"I know who you are," I said. "'Godmother of Contract Killings'."

"I guess sooner or later my errands I gave to you would give me away," said Gottmutter.

"I want to learn the trade and become stronger."

"I assume there is also an ulterior reason?"

I nodded.

"When you learn the trade, the only thing that should be on your mind when you do the job is the job itself. If you let your emotions get the better of you, will be weakened, and more than likely you will get seriously wounded or killed. I won't send you off to training if you have those kind of emotions."

I bowed my head in shame.

"Then I'll do anything to be stronger!" I declared. "Even if it means I have to shove the desire for revenge aside for fifty years!"

"I'm not so sure."

"Let her do it Gottmutter!" chimed in Julie as she and Ted appeared at my doorway.

"She has been through so much!" added Ted. "You must let her become an Assassin-Mercenary!"

"I suppose," said Gottmutter.

"I'll train hard!" I cried. "I do the job with the utmost care and efficiency!"

"Okay. But before I let you go, you must learn the Gummi Bear Meditation technique."


So I learned the Gummi Bear Meditation from Gottmutter for about a week. Never before I felt so relaxed and calm. However, the desire to become stronger lingered inside of me.

Thus, I traveled around the world learning martial arts, special fighting techniques, marksmanship, and escapology from people such as Kwai Chang Caine, Léon the Professional, Altena from Soldats, and Penn and Teller. At the same time, I did a number of odd jobs for Gottmutter, especially since the Cold War was reaching its last note. Hesitantly, I wanted to learn the mystical sword techniques in part of Darryl Güse's demonstration of her brutal abilities. So at the age of thirteen, I had myself transferred to Japan for special training under Azuma Sensei to learn something similar, or perhaps something more powerful.

"And after that you lost your virginity to Carmen Sandiego and did some odd jobs with the Biggs and Gottmutter," said Ginger.

"I wish I could tell you more," said Becky, "but The Hair is at the door."

"You're right," said Mira as he piles up more stuff to the bolted door. "Anytime they could blast their way here."

"So after the scat thing, you were traumatized by your family's death," said Ginger. "Big whoop. Not stop being blind!"

"I still can't see," said Becky.

"Shit. Now what?"

"We can try Holistic Cunnilingus," suggested Red.

"Do you know Holistic Cunnilingus?"


"Then why the hell did you suggest it?"

"I thought either you might have known."

"No one here knows!" cried Mira.

"Mira, do you have the Double-E pills on you?"

"This isn't the time!" Ginger yelled.

"It's in my bag," said Mira. "Why do you need them?"

"I'll attempt clit-to-clit resuscitation," said Red.

"This is now getting hokey," said Ginger. "I mean, why not stick snot into Sis's eyes? I heard it worked in India, right Mira?"

"I'm Pakistani," Mira corrected. "And despite traveling to India on numerous occasions, I know nothing of that remedy."

"How about we not do the snot thing, Gingerbrat?" Becky retorted.

"And you two are just going to have sex while The Hair is right outside the door?" Ginger said.

"You wanna join?"

"I'll pass."

Suddenly, Mira was behind Ginger with an eager smile.

"You know Ginger," blushed Mira. "The two of us could..."


Mira's heart shattered once more. So took two steps back and slouched in sadness.

"Mira," said Red, "you and Ginger have to guard the door."

"Okay," droned Mira.

Red took one pill of Double-E and splits it in half. He ingested one for herself, and provocatively laid it on the tip of Becky's tongue. After she swallowed the pill, Red then went on to the kissing, the undressing, the tit fondling, to the good ol' cunnilingus, and finally to the rubbing and bumping of wet vaginas. The Double-E was at half strength since the two of them not only had to have hot tribade sex, but to be alert so they could kill the enemy at a moment's notice.

Mira and Ginger held off The Hair by piling more junk to the door and by throwing random canisters of gas at The Hair for around thirty minutes. During that time, Becky and Red screamed in unbridled orgasm time after time, and while Mira did all the work in defending the room, Ginger watched the two killer tribades with quasi-jealousy.

"Shit," Ginger cursed. "They're having fun at a time like this."

"Um, Ginger," smiled Mira. "My offer still stands."

"Let me think... Oh! They're done!"


"I only took half a pill, remember?" said Red during her passionate exhale.

"Then maybe Ginger and I can..."

"No time," said Becky as she quickly dressed back up. "We gotta kick Rampion Nuzel's ass."

"Damn it."

"Can you see now?" Ginger asked.

"Not a thing," smiled Becky.

"We're doomed. Fucking doomed."

"Remember the second rule Gingerbrat. And besides, even if I'm blind, I can still fight quite effectively. But you have to be my eyes."

"Why do I have to be your eyes, Sis? Why can't it be lolicunt, Tamil girl, or the Doberman bitch?"

"Arf!" barked HLS.

"I'm Pakistani," corrected Mira.

"Hey, do wanna live?" Becky asked.

"Then what's the purpose of the clit-to-clit resuscitation?" Ginger asked.

"To make Grandma feel better!" cried Red.

"And it worked!" added Becky.

"Fucking doomed," Ginger repeated.

So the girls stepped back away from the door and oriented Becky so that she could use her special move. They could hear the fake British voices of The Hair as they prepared blow up the door with their grenades.

"Are you ready girls?" Becky asked.

"No," replied Ginger.

"Good. Secret technique Lunar Crescent Cutter!"

With one sideswipe, Becky sent a flying crescent-shaped shot hurtling towards the door and the debris. They were cut up to pieces and collapsed, thus producing a gust of dust. Red charged forward through the gust in a flash and kicked in the groin John and Jacob of The Hair, and fired two shots at Jingleheimer and Schmidt's legs and arms. All four fell to their knees, and Ginger stepped in to kick them while they were down.

"Where's Rampion?" Becky demanded.

"Fuck you, Yankee!" cursed John.

"You're one too, so shut the fuck up!"

"Grandma! Duck!"

Becky narrowly dodged a bullet that then brushed Ginger's butt. Ginger cringed in pain and yelled once more, "Ah, fuck, my butt!" due to the ultra-sensitivity. Red shot back at Rampion, who was shooting back with her pistol.

"I'll take care of her!" Becky cried.

"But you're blind!" Red cried.

"That won't stop me!"

After bumping into Red and the bodies of The Hair, Becky finally began her chase of Rampion through the stairwell. Rampion tried to shoot back at her, Becky's enhanced hearing through her wolf ears on the top of her head pinpointed the source and allowed her to dodge and deflect each bullet.

"Shit!" Rampion cursed.

"Might want to be a little more quiet," said Becky. "I can hear everything, including your rapid heartbeat and the sweat running down your brow."

Rampion climbed all the way to the eighth floor and burst into the hallway frantic. She choose a random room, closed the door, and stepped back all the way to the window. She checked her bullets and saw that she was down to her last bullet.

The door was kicked upon. Wincing arrogantly, Rampion discarded her gun and pulled her secondary weapons, a hinged cutthroat barber's razor and a large scissors.

"Can you hear that Miss Wolfe?" Rampion said. "These things aren't just used to shave my legs and cut my hair."

"A master of barbershop close-combat?" said Becky as she gripped her Shinseiki tightly.

"Let's see of you could cut my hair with your clunky sword, bitch!"

The blind Becky charged and tripped on the short foyer steps. Rampion took advantage of this and dashed with her razor ready.

Becky grinned. She immediately recovered from her fall and performed a flip kick. Rampion jumped to narrowly block the swipe of the sword with her metal scissors. She then thrusts and swiped her razor at Becky many times until they stepped back from one another.

They continued the fight and then thrashed all of the furniture of this luxurious high-rise apartment. Eventually, they ran out of useful props to aid them in their fight, and now Rampion was backed up to the window.

Becky charged at her with one loud battle cry. Then Rampion threw her scissors straight towards Becky, which she blocked. Suddenly, Rampion pulled down the curtains and threw to Becky. She ensnared her, and crashed her through the window.

"Fall to your death!" Rampion cried as she poked her head out of the window.

Just as the curtains flew off her, Becky, at the last minute, grabbed a good tuft of Rampion's hair so she could hang on. Rampion was jerked down, forcing her to maintain her grip on the windowsill or else she would fall.

"Bitch!" Rampion cursed. "Let go of my hair!"

"No!" Becky retorted.

"Let go of my hair or else!"

"Or else what?"

The razor remained in Rampion's left hand. Yet, she could not bring herself to cut her beautiful golden hair her poopah said was the most beautiful in the old country somewhere in Eastern Europe, or maybe Western Russia. So she dropped her razor and began beating Becky's hand so she could let go.

Big mistake. The heavy weight of Becky pulled Rampion out of the room, and the two fell from the building.

Moments later, Mira and Red pulled Becky's unmoving body to a grassy lawn. Red sat on Becky missionary style and repeatedly shook her shoulders.

"Grandma!" she cried. "Grandma! Please wake up! Please wake up!"

Mira bowed her head solemnly and held back her tears as much as possible. Red continued bawling and beat on Becky's large breasts. Salted tears flowed from her eyes, silky drool from her mouth and sticky snot from her nose.

The snot then fell into Becky's eyes. They twitched, and fully opened only to have more of Red's heavenly snot dropping into her eyes.

"HOLY SHIT!" Becky cried.

She shot to her feet, tossing Red aside in the process. Becky began rubbing her eyes incessantly to get the gross snot out of her eyes while dancing and kicking around screaming. She accidentally kicked Mira and Red in the process, and fell back to her bottom after crying out the viscous boogers out of her eyes.

Becky looked at Red.

"Jeez, wipe your nose sometimes," said Becky. "That's just wrong."

"Sorry Grandma," smiled Red.

"Hey, wait. I can see. I can see! Hallelujah I can see!"

"Either you got over your trauma," said Mira, "or Ginger's suggestion actually worked."

"Let's do the happy tribade dance!"

"Yay!" cried Mira and Red.

And they danced for a short while to random porno-like tunes they spat from their mouths.

"Thank you Red-chan!" Becky cried. "Anway, how did I end up here?"

"You and Rampion landed on a big rose bush," replied Mira. "You suffered some cuts from the thorns, but it's nothing serious."

"At least I didn't poke my eyes out. So what happened to Rampion and The Hair?"

"Ginger's interrogating them."

"And you injected with the truth serum?"

"Yes I have."

The three girls walked over to the front entrance where Rampion and the four men of The Hair were tied together with an itchy rope. HLS stood guard, and Ginger sat with her laptop computer on her lap typing away and asking extremely personal questions.

"And for the last question," began Ginger, "what is your deepest, darkest, secret?"

"This isn't my real hair color," replied Rampion.

"I think Baby Spice is hot," replied John.

"I accidentally shagged Prince Charles," said Jacob.

"I have fantasies of having an orgy with John Cleese, Rowin Atkinson, and Margaret Thatcher," said Jingleheimer.

"I LOVE TELETUBBIES!" screamed Schmidt.

"Very interesting you weirdoes," smiled Ginger.

"Have you asked them where the glass slipper fragment is?" Becky asked.

"I was just getting to that."

"It's on the fourteenth floor in room 802," replied the drugged-up Rampion. "It's in the safe behind the painting a woman squeezing the tit of an another woman. The combination is 20 three times left, 13 two times right, and you turn left to end on zero."

"You got that Ginger?" said Becky.

"Yeah, yeah," replied Ginger as she typed the instructions.

"And another question--where is Darryl Güse hiding?"

"I... I... I..." stuttered Rampion.

HLS's ears stiffened, as did Becky's. Suddenly three precise sniper bullets pulverized the brains John, Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schmidt, and Rampion. As their bodies limped, all of the girls except for Red took cover.

"Red-chan!" cried Becky.

"We're not their target," said Red. "By the time we reach them, they'll be gone."

"Damn it! Darryl's tryin' to cover her tracks again!"

"Becky," said Mira, "the second rule."

Becky took a deep breath, and let out a long sigh. "I suppose you're right. Let's go get the glass slipper fragment."

The girls dumped Rampion and The Hair's bodies in a dumpster and taped a sign on it that read, "Dead Weirdoes Inside." Then they headed up to the fourteenth floor and burst into room 802. They were eager to see the painting they had heard so much in the tribade circles, which was a great classic of the baroque period. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), it was a self-portrait of a smiling and nude Gene Duo Biggs pinching the nipple of a disgruntled and nude Jean Owen Biggs in front of Disneyworld, which, despite the happy faces on the children being sold and bought as sex slaves by white male and middle-aged pedophiles, was being demolished by an apocalyptic battle between Godzilla (as the Second Christ) and Barney the Purple Dinosaur (as the anti-Christ). After punching the combination on the hidden safe, they took the glass slipper fragment from a velvet case, and Ginger quietly stole the painting by Gene Duo Biggs only to smash it over Red's head in a fit of anger because she blamed her for dropping her ice cream when they stopped at Baskin Robbins.

"You owe a new Gene Duo Biggs painting!" Ginger yelled.

To make up for Red's framed transgression, Mira put to sleep the workers at the ice cream parlor and stole all their ice cream. Later, all of them got brain freezes from eating too much too fast.

And thus, FBI agents Jonathan Dish and Patrick Spoon arrived at the scene to clean up Becky's mess once more.

"When is this going to end?" lamented Dish.

"Hey Dish," said Spoon. "They're dead weirdoes inside this dumpster."

"Don't believe everything you read."

"No, I'm serious! I think these four guys look like the Beatles in their Sgt. Pepper uniforms."

"It's 1999. John Lennon's already dead."

From atop of another luxury condo tower far from the scene, Charlotte disassembled her large state-of-the art Armatek SLK800 high-powered sniper rifle with the help of her demented older sister and her skinhead mother.

"That is nice shooting, dear," said Celeste.

"Thank you mother," said Charlotte.

"Why does she get all the thanks?" Cecilia asked.

"Because you show no restraint in your attacks," replied Celeste.

"It does not matter as long as they are killed."

"Either way, Güse's orders are absolute."

"Won't Rebecca Maryland Wolfe suspect the truth?" asked Charlotte.

"In time. By then it would be too late."

"And then I'll have my revenge on 'her'," grinned Cecilia.

And so, Becky and her girls made it back to their cabin home outside of Nashville and by the river. Ginger and Mira, who had been carefully assembling the glass slipper fragments into its original form since their journey started, had called Becky, Red, and HLS to Ginger's room to announce that they were now about 95% complete.

"There could be one or two more pieces," said Mira.

"Or a hundred microscopic pieces," remarked Ginger.

"That would not be possible. This is a very a strong glass."

"One more piece," said Becky. "And then we have to get the other half of the slipper Darryl Güse has."

"And perhaps I can finally remember my past," said Red.

"You're sounding smarter by the day, Red-chan."

"Snot from lolitas make good aphrodisiacs."

"I spoke too soon."

"I want candy!"

"Okay, okay, I'll bust out the candy basket."

"Hold on a second Sis," Ginger said.

"What now?"

Ginger grinned evilly. "I've eaten so many prunes and burritos for this very moment," she said. "To top it off, I injected myself with a slow-release enema syringe. Now feast your eyes on this!"

Ginger stripped naked (very much to Mira's delight). She stoops with her butt facing Becky and defecating before her.

"Get pissed!" Ginger cried. "Get pissed! Get pissed! Get pissed and blind you bitch!"

Becky sighed. "You do remember the third rule, don't you?"

"It's your weakness Sis!"

"Scat is gross. It's unsanitary and it spreads germs. Seriously Gingerbrat, you should have known better."

"What? I thought the nightmare of you mother being covered by poop still haunts you?"

"Not anymore thanks to Red-chan. Now clean this mess up!"

"Damn it!"

The nude Ginger stood up and kicked her feces.

"Now how am I going to piss you off?"

Ginger thought for a moment, and smiled evilly once more.

"Fat... ass..."

"What did you say?" Becky asked.

"Fat... ass..."



Ginger was happily hoisted off the floor and put into a prone position across Becky's legs by the Assassin-Mercenary herself. As she sat on Ginger's bed, Becky repeatedly spanked Ginger's head ten times.

"Fat ass!"

Becky spanked her ten times again.

"Fat ass!"

Becky spanked yet again.

The process repeated itself throughout the night until the spanking and name-calling slowed to crawl. Becky and Ginger became tired and began dozing off. It was a cute moment for both Mira and Red, and it kind of made them jealous. So they took a picture or two and put a blanket on them.

Then cleaned Ginger's feces and vaporized it with a grenade out in the back, which did not wake the sleeping Becky and Ginger. After disinfecting the floor one last time, Mira, Red, and HLS gathered around Becky and Ginger and slept by them quite happily.

Chapter 17

Title: Climbing the Beane-Stark Tower

Chapter 16 - Climbing the Beane-Stark Tower

Inside the FBI Headquarters in Washington D.C., Dish and Spoon waited on the plastic waiting chairs in the hallway trying not to listen to the murmurs about their failures. Fortunately, the door to the meeting room opened, and pretty but older female secretary stepped out.

"Mister Dish, Mister Spoon," she announced. "They would like to see you now."

Spoon sighed, and quietly hummed a memorial song as he, while carrying his government-issued IBM laptop computer, followed his partner Dish to the dreaded special meeting Dish's father, Joseph Dish, had called in. They sat at the end of the long table, and Spoon opened up and turned on his computer.

For some reason, the meeting room smelled of cigarette smoke. All federal buildings prohibited smoking indoors.

Joseph Dish, or Dish Sr. people commonly referred to him to avoid confusion between him and his son, was the Executive Assistant Director of Criminal Investigative Division. Dish Sr. was essentially the old version of Dish, and he was still handsome in a white, protestant, and conservative kind of way.

To his right at the other end of the table was John Fork, the temporary Executive Assistant Director of Intelligence. Ten years younger than his friend Dish Sr., he still retained his brunette hair color. However, he looked unsavory and had that bigot-like sneer that Spoon found unsettling.

Across from Fork was Assistant Director of the Office of Intelligence, Walter Skinner. He was a bald yet bespectacled smart man, and despite his nerdish appearance he was very much in shape underneath his suit and tie. He was also once a Marine during the Vietnam War, and a couple years back he had the unfortunate task of overseeing Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully in their paranormal investigations. When asked why he didn't protest his assignment, he merely replied that somebody had to do it.

"Shall we begin?" Fork said.

"Certainly Mister Fork," said Dish.

Dish motioned to Spoon. Spoon nodded and went off to pull down the projector screen, dim down the lights, and turn on the digital project connected and controlled by his laptop computer. The first slide in the presentation displayed Becky Wolfe slaying dozens of Mafioso thugs in a happy frenzy.

"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe," started Dish. "AKA Becky, AKA 'The Assassin Saint'. Reported to be twenty-one years of age, and is possibly half-Italian and a quarter Greek. Birthplace unknown. Becky is an expert assassin-mercenary with impeccable skills in the sword, Filipino martial arts, and escapology. Known to be a drinker and a womanizer."

Spoon pushed the button on the computer, and in fancy and noisy transition that taxed the laptop's CPU, the slide switches to a photo of a smiling and cute Red Little.

"Could you please be a little more professional when making your slides?" Fork asked.

"I'm sorry sir," said Dish.

"Now continue on."

Dish continued: "Red Little: age is estimated be around seventeen years, and she is possibly Greek, Turkish, or a hybrid. Real name and birthplace are unknown. It is claimed that she possesses the skills of all the world's martial arts, or rather, had developed it on her own. She is good with a gun, but can use anything as a weapon. She is known to like Britney Spear."

The slide then changes to a collage of the crime scenes described in the first couple of chapters in this novel, Mother Güse Must Die.

"Since our investigation has started, Becky and Red have caused a lot of trouble in the south, starting with the murder of drug-pushers Jackie Caps and Beau Pilkington, the wholesale slaughter of the secret bestiality orgy sect Animal Kamen, and the slaying of the owners of Greta's Ginger Ale House.

"They soon headed to Nashville where they caused the destruction of the house of Jean Owen Biggs, whose relation to the other two famous Biggs sister. They also destroyed the house of Gene Duo Biggs, and caused a lot of trouble with Shania Fau Biggs's mansion and Shock G's fake nose.

"After the death of Shadazz and the slaying of Ronald Stiltzchen, Becky and Red were then joined by a college dropout and Pakistani chemist, Mira Rama, daughter of the deceased Ex-Soviet chemist Mirza Rama. They were also joined by a female Doberman dog who seems to have two penises."

Spoon chuckled. He stopped when everyone's glare was on him.

"Anyway," Dish resumed, "Becky and Red sent Schumacher to our Memphis office after capturing her, and went on to kidnap Ginger Baker, a brilliant hacker who since her enlistment to the group had made our efforts to capture Becky, Red, and Mira a lot more difficult. The group of girls was reported to have slain Jill Ladder in California, who was plotting the death of her husband to collect his assets and his generous life insurance policy.

"But then their operations suddenly took a different turn. At first, we assumed that the killings were done under contract or by random. Reports from Nevada, Texas, Europe, and Canada stated that they were on a mission to retrieve a certain item from seemingly small-time criminals while causing the usual mayhem in their wake. The damages from their clandestine operations have resulted in the billions."

"Very interesting," smiled Fork, "but could you explain to me why you helped them in the Winnipeg River incident?"

"Well, um, it's just that the Winnipeg Gay Mafia were planning to poison the river with a special irritant that causes intense itching... in the groin area. Then they would be the ones who would sell the shampoo antidote."

"We had to combine our efforts to stop them," added Spoon.

"Which was never proven since the evidence in question has yet to be found," said Fork.

Skinner frowned and discreetly bit his lip. He knew well that that was being covered up.

"Despite their reappearance in the Gothel Tower in Nashville," continued Fork, "there should be clear evidence that they should be hiding nearby. Yet, you two remain one step-behind."

"Forgive us," said Dish. "It's just that these group of girls are really good at covering their tracks. Their methods are highly organized, yet chaotic enough to throw us off. But I am certain that there is a connection between all these attacks all over the world, and it has something to do with a glass slipper."

"You almost sound as passionate as Agent Mulder. But at least he closed his cases despite the lack of explanation of his paranormal testimonies."

Fork turned and faced his friend Dish Sr., who had been thinking deeply throughout the whole presentation.

"What do you think sir?" Fork asked. "Shall we remove them from the investigation?"

Dish Sr. sighed. He looked across to glance at his son's expression. It wasn't desperate, so it could go either way upon the utterance of his decision. But more than likely, Dish desperately wanted to be relieved of his arduous assignment. However...

"I understand that you are stressed, son," said Dish Sr. "I am also stressed. Stressed with the constant threat of terrorism, especially when this century draws to a close. Despite the fact that these girls are slaying dangerous criminals does not excuse them from their crimes of vigilantism. If what you say is true that they are gathering something for something greater, then that is not a threat we can overlook. You two will remain on the case. However, I will dedicate four other agents to lighten your workload. The four agents are Ryan Bowl, Steve Knife, Chandra Plate, and Molly Pitcher. Assistant Director Fork and I will also assist you part-time and on important cases."

"Thank you sir," said Dish.

"This meeting is adjourned. Get some rest you two."

Dish Sr. and Skinner left through the back entrance of the meeting room while Fork remained to get coffee. Dish and Spoon reentered the hallway with the scent of cigarette smoke stuck on their suits.

"That was nerve wracking," said Spoon. "But your father seemed to be in a better mood."

"I made up with my wife," said Dish.

Spoon's heart skipped a beat. "I see. So you're doing all right?"

"Yes," Dish replied curtly.

Dish suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway and clutched his stomach.

"Is something wrong?" Spoon asked.

"That cigarette smoke upsets my stomach. I have to go to bathroom."

"I might as well take a leak then."

Thus, Dish and Spoon together went to the men's restroom. As Spoon calmly walked over to the urinal, Dish dashed into the nearest vacant toilet and locked himself in. Of course, he had to flush it once because the person who was using it before forgot to.

And for some reason, the restroom smelled like cigarette smoke, and it was a familiar one at that. It turned out that someone was right now smoking in one of the toilet stalls.

There was also another man in the stalls besides the smoker and Dish. He sat in the one between them, and he had been there for a long time grunting as he worked the liquefied number two out of his system. Dish immediately recognized the grunts and called out his name.

"Mulder?" spoke Dish.

The man in the middle stall stopped his legs and feet from shaking.

"Why, if isn't Dish!" replied Mulder. "How's it going?"

"Bad," said Dish. "The dinner my wife made is giving me stomach pains. It seems that the cigarette smoke in the meeting room is what triggered."

Mulder knew well where the smoke was coming from, but he decided not to reveal his identity in order to protect his fellow agent.

"Did you get chewed out?" Mulder asked.

"More like consoled for my stress," replied Dish. "People are starting to compare our cases to yours."

"At least yours have a basis on reality."

"Never expect to hear that from you."

"Speaking of comparison, people are starting to make conclusions about you and Spoon."

"There's nothing between us."

Upon zipping up his fly closed, Spoon lowered his head stricken in silent sadness.

"And I take it there's nothing going on between you and Scully," said Dish.

"I'm hoping. At least they'll stop spreading exaggerations about my sister complex."

Mulder sighed really hard.

"I'm sorry," said Dish.

"Anyway," said Mulder, "Scully and I ran into an interesting case a couple of days ago."


"It seems that the graves of N.M. Cohen, Edna Ferber and James Dean have been dug up. Only a tooth has been stolen from each of them."

"I know who Edna and James are, but who is N.M. Cohen?"

"He is the founder of Giant Food Inc.--the supermarket chain."

"That guy?"

"This wouldn't have anything to do with the tooth stolen from the dead baseball and football players weeks ago, would it?" asked Spoon after he regained his composure.

"Spoon, you're there?" Mulder asked.

"In the flesh."

"I guess somebody wanted to create a collection of celebrity teeth," said Dish.

"But Cohen is not much of a celebrity."

"But teeth do have DNA. Maybe someone's trying to create clones of them?"

"That's brilliant Dish!" Mulder exclaimed.

"It was only a suggestion. I think it is silly to create clones of famous people. They wouldn't be the same."

Mulder grunted and finally let more liquefied feces out. Then he started coughing.

"Why did I have to take Scully out to a Mexican dinner?" he lamented. "In Mexico."

"I sure wish that guy in that stall would stop smoking," said Dish.

Cancer Man or not, thought Mulder, I'm gonna choke that bastard once I clear this out of my bowels.

"I'll talk to him," said Spoon.

Spoon walked over to the stall to the right of Mulder's and knocked on it.

"Sir," he announced. "You're smoking in a non-smoking building. Please put it out or I'll have you escorted out."

The man coughed. Mulder and Dish heard him put his cigarette out in the toilet bowl and flushed it. For Mulder, the smoke was too intoxicating, and smelled of that his nemesis would always smoke, Morley cigarettes. It had to be him, thought Mulder. He's toying with me!

Finally the smoker came out. Instead of a powerful wrinkled old man, it was a middle-aged South American immigrant Pedro--the building's unluckiest janitor.

"Again with the smoking Pedro," groaned Spoon.

Pedro fell to the floor groveling before Spoon's feet.

"I am so sorry Mister Spoon sir!" cried Pedro. "It's just these Morley cigarettes are so good to Pedro's tongue! I don't have to time smoke them during my break!"

Spoon sighed. He pulled Pedro back to his feet and took his pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

"None of us here really don't want to see you go," said Spoon. "You've been a great motivation to all of us, especially me. But you have to follow the rules of the building, or with a heavy heart I will be forced to fire you."

"I won't smoke again Mister Spoon sir! Pedro will quit cold turkey!"

"I have faith in you."

"Thank you Mister Spoon sir!"

After shaking Spoon's hands, Pedro went back to the nearby janitor's closet to grab his cart so he could resume his duty. Spoon took out the cigarettes from the pack, tore them up, and threw them in the trashcan. He then washed his hands.

Meanwhile, Mulder breathed a sigh of relief for he won't have to strangle the infamous Cancer Man's throat. His diarrhea finally stopped, and finished his bathroom experience with a long urination.

Suddenly, Chandra Plate knocked over Pedro and his janitorial cart as she rushed into the men's restroom unannounced.

"Guys!" Plate cried. "We have to move! There is a situation developing in Buffalo!"

Spoon became a bit offended of Plate's presence in a men's-only domain.

Back at the meeting room, Fork began drinking his second cup of coffee. Suddenly he saw at the corner of the eye the three shady old white men of the Syndicate, the group dedicated to hide the existence of extraterrestrials from the world (which has nothing to do with the story... at the moment). He sprayed the coffee out of his mouth in both surprise and in embarrassment.

As he wiped his mouth, he turned to face the wrinkly but cunning Cigarette Smoking Man, the classy Well-Manicured Man, and the Big Italian.

As usual, Cigarette Smoking Man lights up despite the no-smoking policy in federal buildings. He did one inhale, and puffed out the odorous smoke in a moment of nicotine ecstasy.

"That was mighty clever of you to schedule a briefing to ease Joseph's heart," said the Well-Manicured Man.

"It had to be done anyway," Fork timidly replied.

"You're playing with fire by working with that woman," said the Big Italian.

"Once you submit yourself to Darryl, it is for life."

"But you cannot possibly work as a double, or perhaps a triple agent at a time like this," said the Well-Manicured Man.

"Gentlemen, I have things under control."

"I hope you are right," spoke the Cigarette Smoking Man as he advanced towards Fork. "The revival of the lost nation of Tribadia will indeed put a damper on our plans. Güse will have the power to control us, and that is something we do not want."

"I'll agree to that. I will not have a world ruled by a power-hungry lesbian."

"Olde Wolfe-Ears prefers the term 'tribades'," said the Big Italian.

"It looks like your heart is in the right place," said the Well-Manicured Man.

"Do not fail us," said the Cigarette Smoking Man.

"I will not," bowed Fork.

Like smoke, the three men of the Syndicate disappeared through the other entrance. Cigarette Smoking Man had left his burning cigarette on an empty coffee cup.

How would Fork explain the appearance of another Morley cigarette? He had to lay the blame on someone, and that someone was Pedro from South America. Pedro, who had just successfully ridded himself of his nicotine addiction, was then fired, and deported back to whatever country he came from, only to emigrate to Japan for some construction project in a city with an odd yet generic-sounding name. There, he met his destiny--and his doom--by befriending a girl from yet another secretive organization also bent on world domination. That girl, who was improbably energetic up the wazoo, had a first name that was the same as the last.

If you would like to know more about Pedro's further adventures, go read the manga of Excel Saga, or the anime... or look it up on

In downtown Buffalo, New York, there was a gaudy-looking tall office/residential building that was destined to be imploded not because of the gaudy looks. This building built during reckless capitalism and amidst fears of nuclear attack from the Soviet Union during the cold war ear was built with so many asbestos lining that the occupants became ill with cancers or died just for staying there for a month. So instead of removing the asbestos lining, the lazy city administrators decided that it would be best to implode it with great fanfare, just like they would do to old casinos Las Vegas.

Everything of value, including the copper wiring, the glass panels, and the toilet seats were removed from building. Yet there was a long insulated electricity and data line running from the sewer up to the top executive floor. And in that floor was a well-furnished office complete with a safe, a cable Internet connection, cable television, a mini-bar, and a trough for hay.

The target: a glass slipper fragment. It was guarded by the likes of Jeremy Beane, one of the co-owners of the Beane-Stark Media Corporation, which had been bought out by the bastards at BMG. Due to the downsizing, Jeremy Beane was given a severance pay, but that was not enough for his fetish and his ego. Since he was one of Darry Güse's men, he accepted a job to trap Becky in the Beane-Stark tower, as the building was once referred to.

He was not alone. Resting on a couch was the plump Goldie Haw--er, I mean, Goldie Harp, a renowned singer and actress. She was his current girlfriend and his most favorite, for Beane had a sexual fetish with overweight women since his birth. Hollywood, the tabloids, and the media at large were too grossly focused on scandalous and/or heart-wrenching stories of skinny, blonde, and big-breasted white women (and the occasional underage white and blonde girl) to take notice of the countless sordid scandals Beane caused due to his rampant sexual harassment and molestations of fat women and young fat girls. In fact, there was still a pending rape and sexual assault charge being brought against him by a four hundred pound woman. Beane claimed that she came onto him in drunken-rage, which was never true. Beane was the sickest of all fat-loving men. He would literally chew on the fatty skin during intercourse. The sad part of that was that many of his women loved it.

Besides Beane and Goldie Haw--er, Harp, there was also a cow. Not just any cow. This cow, one of his most prized of his employees and the most loyal, was the infamous Man-Eating Cow. So far, he had yet to see the Man-Eating Cow (MEC for short) eat a man. Just in case she would do those, he brought in to his office a trough of formulated cow-feed.

"Do you think they have taken the bait, hon?" asked Harp.

"They have to come," said the average-build Beane. "They come in, become defeated, and Güse will give me her golden eggs."


"I don't mean it that way. Güse will give me hefty sum of raw gold nuggets for my efforts."

"Well, I hope they come. I don't want to have to get up and get my cell phone to call for pizza delivery while we wait."

"Patience my love. I have a feeling that they will..."

Beane noticed something moving swiftly on the stack of boxy surveillance monitors. He sat back down his desk and played back the last fifteen seconds in slow motion. After seeing the blurred faces of Becky, Red, Mira, Ginger, and their dog HLS, Beane smiled.

"They have arrived, but..."

"But what?" asked Harp.

"The one they call Fat Ass isn't fat. Darryl's report duped me!"

"That is too bad."

"No matter. These bony girls won't survive the trap I laid out for them."

He swiveled his chair to the left and pushed the intercom button. Then he looked up to the monitor close to it where in view was a lab staffed by four men haling from Nashville.

"Are you listening?" Beane called out.

Lead vocalist and guitarist Dann Huff in a lab coat walked up to the intercom on the wall while looking back at the monitoring camera.

"Look, man," said Dann. "This is going out of hand. I mean, we're not scientists."

"Don't you dare try and back out of this. You're still under contract and under my control. Just follow the instructions they gave us."

"All right, fine."

One floor below was the lab. Dann's bandmates, bassist Mike Brigadello, keyboardist Alan Pasqua, and Dann's brother drumist David Huff all carefully read the instructions on the binder notebooks as they flipped the seemingly cryptic switches and typing program commands on their control terminals.

Beane was an awesome planner during the heyday of the Beane-Stark Media Corporation. He had the biotech company known as the Umbrella Corporation to hand him a capsule of the yet-to-be tested P-Virus. The Umbrella Corporation had also worked with Dokusensha of Hong Kong and the British Royal Library to provide Beane with the reviving equipment.

"Are you ready guys?" asked Dann.

"Ready," said David.

"Inject P-Virus into the subjects."

"Injecting P-Virus," said Brigadello.

In the center of the entire floor on top of a tall stand, the large vat of the concentrated and yellow P-Virus drained into its many tubes.

"P-Virus filling the subjects," continued Brigadello. "Beginning with the enhancement process... Done!"

"Proceed with the activation," commanded Dann.

"Sending activation command right now," said Pasqua.

The liquid inside the coffin-like tube capsules bubbled ominously and glowed. Dann and his band mates were surrounded by them, and thus it gave them an uneasy fright. They hoped that the command Pasqua sent to the subjects wouldn't backfire.

In one of the capsules, a baseball-gloved hand slammed onto the glass cover.

"Commencing the drainage," said Pasqua.

"Excellent," Dann smiled, hesitantly. "Operation 'Giant' has now begun."

Thirty minutes after sundown on the abandoned ground floor of the building, the girls, dressed in their sneak suits and filter masks were stuck trying to figure out a way to get up to the next floor. All the stairwells had been exploded and none of the four elevators were working. They returned to the asbestos-dusted lobby to come up with an alternative plan.

"Did you guys come up with an alternative plan?" asked Becky.

"Why are you asking us Sis?" Ginger said. "You're our leader!"

"Well, you are the smart one."

"Indeed I am."

"I guess we'll have to climb up using ropes and grappling hooks. Now let's go outside."

Suddenly, the lights in the elevator button panel on all four elevators lit up. Becky, Red, and Mira gripped their usual weapons in their hands. HLS growled, and Ginger hid behind her colleagues hugging her laptop and knocking her knees in fear.

Finally something came down. The elevator doors opened, and out poured a total of twenty-four men, six from each elevator. Eight of them were dressed in New York Giants football uniforms and gear, another eight were dressed in San Francisco Giants baseball uniforms, and the remaining eight dressed in Yomiuri Giants baseball uniforms, which looked very similar to that of the San Francisco Giants.

"These are our opponents?" Becky asked.

"Something's wrong with them," noted Mira.

As the twenty-four Giants surrounded them with evil eyes and snarling faces, the girls noticed that their equipment were modified for the full intent to kill. The New York Giant's football helmets and shoulder pads were now steel, and at least two of them had bladed titanium footballs as a weapon and as defense. The baseball teams of the San Francisco Giants and the Yomiuri Giants carried crooked golden metal bats for the heavy hitters, steel baseball gloves with retractable talons and baseball grenades for the pitchers, infielders, and outfielders, and reinforced composite metal masks, chest protectors, shin guards, and catcher's mitt for the armored catchers. But it wasn't just their equipment that was imposing. All of the football and baseball player's blood content was thirty-three percent steroids and thirty-three percent P-Virus. Their muscles and veins bulged monstrously.

"Usually at this point, some Japanese pervert manga artist would use this as a set up for a gang-bang rape doujinshi," Becky snickered.

"Don't give them any ideas," Mira smiled uneasily. "Although I sometimes wonder what would be the point? They're already enhanced zombies, with no will of their own, so it would be moot for them to have any sexual satisfaction. There is also a good chance that their nerves to their sexual functions, i.e. their penises and testes, have been severed."

"Wait a sec," Ginger said. "I recognize these guys. They're the Giants!"

"We know," said Becky.

"But these guys should be dead! I heard on the sports gambling forums that their bodies have been dug up and only their teeth were stolen."

"I heard of a project to create superclones of great people," said Mira. "I never thought they would go this far."

HLS growled even louder.

"By the smell of things," Mira added, "they have been injected with the P-Virus."

"The P-Virus?" Becky said.

"It's an artificially-enhanced natural virus that is supposed to enhanced the test subject greatly by altering their genetic makeup on-the-fly. It's still in the testing stages."

"Looks like there is more than one secretive conglomerate organization bent on world-domination involved in this."

"Don't just stand there talking!" Ginger screamed. "I command you to destroy the Giants! And cut off their ding-dongs while you're at it."

"Way ahead of you!"

With her Shinseiki glimmering in the moonlight, Becky charged forward to the Japanese Yomiuri Giants and quickly sliced past their crotch cups and utterly pulverized their manhood. She stepped back defensively and to see that her attack did not falter Yomiuri Giants one bit.

"That didn't work," Ginger said.

"At least it prevented the manga artists from getting further ideas," said Becky.

"Then do the rest of them!"

The Yomiuri Giants lunged at them in with a battle cry. Becky bravely took the initiative and defended the rest of her teammates with her sword skills. Red cleverly kicked the hanging prosthetic nose from HLS's collar, caught it in a snap, and threw it fast at the glove of one of the San Francisco Giants. HLS became enraged, and she dashed in to rip the crotch cups and their manhood from the SF Giant's bodies.

Red, Mira, and Ginger kept close to each other to avoid charging New York Giants and their deadly footballs. Despite firing a precise shot into their heads, Red could not kill them because not only they were, in a sense dead, they were also artificially enhanced through the P-Virus and whatever technology Mira mentioned.

"They won't go down," said Red.

"I guess I'll have to use the NS-Destroyer," said Mira. "But you'll have to help me Red."


Mira pulled from her equipment bag two special magazines full of fifteen rounds of NS-Destroyer exploding bullets. Red shot two more shots at their assailants and immediately ejected partially filled magazines from her two FN Browning Pistols and accepted Mira's magazine rounds.

"Try to fire at an exposed skin," said Mira. "If you can't do that, fire on the least absorbent part of the clothing."

"Sis!" Ginger cried. "Fall back!"

"Right!" cried Becky.

Becky shoved off the crooked bat-wielding heavy hitters of the baseball players away and pulled HLS from the fight. As the two leapt over the football players, Red quickly fired the special bullets. The bullets shattered upon contact of their skin and splattered some green liquid that looked kind of like Gatorade, Powerade, some other heavily marketed neon-colored commercial sports drink. Soon the Giants started to fall apart literally due to the NS-Destroyer bullets, which, as the acronym stands, were destroying the nervous system vital for the control and regulatory functions of their bodies.

"Great job Red-chan!" Becky said.

"Arf!" said HLS.

Suddenly, the floor above Red exploded. Red pushed Ginger and Mira away, but she did not realize it exploded in a way just to ensnare her. From up above, Dann and his band members of the American rock group Giant fired a net from the net catcher gun and reeled Red quickly upward. Becky attempted to stop them by throwing her knives, but the rock group Giant escaped through the elevator.

"Ginger!" Becky cried. "Hack that elevator!"

Before Ginger could even acknowledge the order, the nearby elevators exploded.

"Shit!" Becky cursed.

"Can you hear me?" echoed Beane's voice.

Becky and the girls looked around floor. The echoed voice apparently came from a small speaker somewhere on the second floor.

"What do you want?" Becky asked.

"The elevator furthest from you is in working condition," said Beane. "Take it or else."

Becky spat as she sheathed her Shinseiki. Followed by Mira, Ginger, and HLS, she ran over to the other side of the floor and approached an elevator that had just landed with its doors open. They went inside. The doors closed, and they were taken up while listening to power rock music. All three of the girls and their dog took of their filter masks.

"Yet again, we walk into another trap," noted Ginger.

"Not much I can do about it," said Becky. "I guess we'll have to play Beane's game."

"Or I could hack into the elevator system and take us to the top."

"Don't try it. They probably have the entire building under their control."

"So who's disturbing video from the past will we be watching next. Mira's?"

"Um, I'm not so sure that is possible."

"They wouldn't pull that shit again," said Becky.

The elevator grinded to a halt at the fifth floor. The doors slid open, and Becky jumped out first with her sword before her. The entire floor was dark until it suddenly lit up. The outer walls that were supposed to have windows were now replaced with colorful 70's style insulating panels. There were two strange contraptions taking up almost the entire length of the eastern wall, and each of them looked like a badly drawn version of the Swiss Alps taking up the entire wall to their left. Standing between and front of them were two men. One of them was a normal-looking East Coast man in a blue-striped suit, and the other is a giant ogre-like man dressed in a brown suit and had blue-white skin. That latter didn't look alive.

"Come on down!" cried the blue-suited man, "you're our next contestant in the--"

"Shut the fuck up!" Becky yelled.

She took one step towards the man, and nearly fell through a trap door in front of her.

"Don't even try it!" he said. "Or else your seventeen-year-old Lolita will die."

"What do you want?" Becky asked.

"I am N.M. Cohen, and to my right is my business partner Samuel Lehrman."

"Samuel Lehrman wants some pants too!" cried Samuel.

"Unfortunately, the P-Virus didn't work too well for him, so he's just some dumb zombie clone. As for me, I am a superior Prototype I-Jin[i], or Pijin for short, with enhanced powers!"

"Pigeon?" Becky said. "Who are these guys?"

"Never heard of 'em," said Ginger.

"What?" cried Cohen. "You never heard of the founders of Giant Food Inc.?"

"That reminds me; I have been using your company's stocks in my quest to screw with the stock market--and I've also set fire some of your grocery warehouses."

"You wench! You shall be my new challenger!"

"I accept! What's the game old man?"

"We're playing the Russian Roulette Price is Right[ii]! Your two friends, your dog, and my partner will be the sacrifices on the two Cliffhanger scoreboards!"

"Duh, why is Samuel Lehrman a sacrifice?" asked Samuel.

"Shut-up and get on the damn ride."

"I guess we have to leave things up to Ginger now," Becky sighed as she sheathed her sword.

Mira ran and held both of Ginger's hands.

"Ginger, I'll be rooting for you!" said Mira.

Cohen disabled the trapdoors long enough for Becky, Mira, and HLS, to walk over to the Cliffhanger scoreboard on the left, which was a large mountain slope prop with a rollercoaster-like car at the bottom. The ogre-like Samuel Lehrman took the one on the right, and he barely fits into the car. The safety rail ratcheted down and pins them inside. They cannot get out.

Just then, five horrific-looking and skinny zombie supermodels in dresses of red, black, yellow, pink, and blue, lumbered to the sides of Cohen.

"Barker's Beauties aren't dead yet," said Becky. "Are they?"

"Here are the rules of the game," smiled Cohen. "Each of us will be given a pair of dice that we roll in our Nazi-Yahtzee cup. We move towards the second elevator by following the designated path indicated by the lighted tiles. Each tile brings up a challenge that we have to accomplish, whether it is guessing the price of a product, answering a trivia question, or completing a puzzle. The tiles are in constant rotation, so if you land on the one I was one, it will issue you a different challenge."

"This sounds more like a demented game of Trivial Pursuit than the Price is Right," said Ginger.

"Of course, if you lose the challenge on the tile, there will be a penalty. First, your friends on the Cliffhanger will move up on the mountain. After they reach the top, one wrong move will plunge them into a trapdoor below laid out with spikes and explosives. Second, the tile will deal a punishment blow. It won't kill you at first, but after repeat punishments your life will be on the line. If you die, your friends will die as well.

"The object of the game is to get to the second elevator first. If you win, I'll let you pass. If you lose, well, you and your friends will die."

"Ask me the questions cloned-undead quizmaster! I can answer anything you throw at me! I'm the Gingerbread Grrl! The most brilliant evil genius in this entire stupid universe!"

"I think we've really walked into a trap," sighed Becky. "We're all doomed."

"Please have faith in Ginger," said Mira.

"I just hope she doesn't turn tail and run."

"Let us begin the game!" announced Cohen.

Cohen and Ginger met up at the starting tile. The zombie supermodels gave each of them a Nazi version of the Yahtzee cup and a pair of dice made out of bone samples from famous Golden Era Hollywood actors, such as Clark Cable, Marilyn Monroe, James Belushi, and Chris Farley. To determine who goes first, both rolled their dice in their dice in the cups and slammed it on the ground. They lifted the cups, and Cohen got the highest number of twelve.

"This thing's rigged!" Ginger cried. Most probably, it was.

Cohen made his roll, and advanced five spaces. The tile was a quiz question, and the projector laid out all over the ceilings broadcasted the question onto the tile in front of him. The question asked him a ridiculously easy question, which was, "What is the third planet in the Solar System?"

"Earth," smiled Cohen.

A fanfare of bells and chimes rang throughout low-quality speakers, and Cohen bowed to the emotionless zombie supermodels. Thus, no punishment was given to him.

"My turn!" Ginger announced.

Ginger rolled a seven. She then picked up her dice and cup and skipped passed Cohen. The tile in front of her projected a price value question, something that seemed very easy for Ginger. That was, until it was asking for the price of a box of macaroni, circa 1954, as presented by the zombie supermodels. The object was to guess its price without going over or under ten cents its original value.

"Um, let's see," Ginger thought out loud. "It is 1954 dollars or 1999 dollars? Can I get a lifeline?"

"This isn't Who Wants to Be A Millionaire!" screamed Cohen.

"Can I ask my friends?"

"We don't know!" cried Becky.

"You can't!" cried Cohen. He then pulled out a Palm Pilot PDA out of his pocket and displayed before his opponent. "I control the game, you hear?"

"You're not being fair," said Ginger. "I smell bitchy bias."

"Just play the game!"

"Okay, okay. Let's see. A box rancid 1954 macaroni would be... seventy cents!"

The zombie supermodels revealed the price--it was fifty cents.

"What the fuck!"

"The punishment is Rusty Barbells!" cried the zombie supermodel in black.

The ceiling above Ginger opened and dropped a bevy of rusty one-pound barbells onto her. Usually this won't hurt an ordinary person, but for Ginger it hurts like hell. Cohen pointed at her and laughed, and Ginger got ready to throw a barbell at him. Cohen held up his Palm Pilot as a reminder of his control of the situation.

"One press of the button and your friends are dead," he said.

Ginger could do nothing but fume and growl.

"As Ginger said," Becky noted, "we are fucking doomed."

So began Ginger's painful trial across the human-sized game board of an inappropriately named game. Cohen advanced across and got easy challenges, all of which he got right, while Ginger received the extremely difficult ones, all of which she got wrong. She was hit in the head by a mallet, electrocuted, cut by paper, and scorched by a flamethrower. In the middle of the board, almost all clothes were ripped off by robotic claws and was now reduced to just to her underwear (much to Mira's wet delight). From then on, Ginger was bitten by ants, exposed to poison ivy, exposed to gas that made her eyes water and stomach puke, punched in the stomach by a life-size jack-in-the-box, ear drums almost blasted out by Hanson's "mmm bop" played at high volumes, doused with really cold water that contained angry snapping crabs and lobsters, her skin rubbed onto agitating in-wall foam insulators, indecently fondled by movie tentacles from the Jim Henson Creature Shop, and had both ankles sprained by a radio-controlled scale model gas-powered truck. All of these punishment devices appeared from underneath the tiles around her and underneath her, and sometimes they came from the ceiling or the other side of the entire floor.

Ginger and Cohen were now three-quarters from the starting tile and were fast approaching the second elevator finishing line. Cohen remained unscathed and two spaces ahead, while Ginger was on her knees almost naked, bruised, bleeding, broken, and trying to get back up. Meanwhile, Mira and Becky were pretty close to the top of their mountain slope. Becky sighed, while Mira wrestled to control herself inside the car. Samuel Lehrman remained on the bottom of his slope.

"Had enough?" Cohen cried.

"I'm still fucking alive," growled Ginger.

"Very well. I'm moving on."

Cohen rolled. He got a two. He snapped in fingers in disappointment, but remained confident that he would win. He moved two spaces, and received a simple challenge. This requited him to identify amongst ten similarly drawn cartoon aliens two of which that look exactly alike. He identified them right away. After the winning fanfare, he wiped his brow.

"That was close," he said. "Your turn."

Ginger got back up on her feet and shook her dice in her Nazi-Yahtzee cup. She got a five. After picking up her materials, she lumbered across the lighted tiles and one space ahead of Cohen.

"Five," said Ginger.

"By the way," said Cohen, "the punishments at this stage of the game are even more deadlier. Live bullets, real blades, nerve gas, and more powerful electricity will be used. You may actually die in one hit."

Mira quaked in her seat. "You were planning this all along!"

"I wasn't required to be fair ladies. The real problem lies with your friend. It seems that she is not as smart as she claims to be."

"Just hand me the damn challenge," said Ginger.

The tile in front of her lit up to display a quiz question--a fairly difficult one. It asked, "What color amethyst turns to when exposed to heat?"

Ginger turned to back to Mira for an answer. Mira knew the answer, but she could not communicate it. She tried to gesture it, but found nothing around her limited position that was of use.

"Timez uup!" cried one of the zombie supermodels.

"Um, green?" Ginger said.

"W-wrong! The punishment is a shot by a M1 Garand Military Rifle!"

"Ginger!" Mira screamed.

The zombie supermodel in the yellow dress drew out an old military rifle, loaded a single bullet, and aimed it at Ginger. Ginger looked around for an escape, then saw that an array trapdoors appeared at her sides. The zombie fired her gun. Ginger was struck and fell face forward bleeding very badly.

Cohen laughed. Mira wrestled inside her car whilst hitting Becky and HLS in a bid to escape.

"Looks like this Gingerbird is dead!" cried Cohen. "I win the game!"

"No!" Mira screamed.

"It looks you three are next!"

"Aw..." croaked a voice.

Cohen stood still. He slowly turned back around and looked at Ginger's almost naked body, which was twitching.


"This can't be," he said.

"Aw... fuck..." croaked Ginger. "My... butt..."

Mira's face lit up at the same time she wetted her panties in passion. She looked over and saw Ginger slowly rising to her knees.

"How did you--" gasped Cohen.

"I just allowed the bullet strike my butt," smiled Ginger. "It hurts more than anything I ever felt before, yet I am as calm as Chevy Chase's career."

Ginger turned her head at Cohen and glared back with an evil smile.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" she asked. "Roll the dice!"

"Very well," huffed Cohen. "I'll still survive and win this game!"

Cohen rolled his dice and got a five. He advanced five spaces with a confident smile. His challenge was a quiz question, and it asked:

"In the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, the main character, Utena Tenjou, goes to what school?"

Cohen's smile disappeared. Sweat appeared on his forehead, and he rested his chin on his thumb and finger in thought.

"How is this possible?" he said. "All of the questions I should receive should be easy. Yet I get something as obscure as Japanese animation?"

"Timez uup!" cried the zombie supermodel in the black dress.

"Would it be...Crossroads Junior High?"

"Bzzt! Wrong! The punishment is be shot by a rocket launcher, a Gatling gun, and siege crossbow!"

"Rocket launcher? I didn't order a rocket launcher, Gatling gun, or a siege crossbow! What is going on?"

"You lose, buddy," smiled Ginger. "Thank you for playing Russian Roulette Price is Right."

Ginger got back on her feet and slowly stepped away from a stunned Cohen. Trapdoors opened all around him. Meanwhile, the zombie supermodels began hauling into view the rocket launcher, carried by the one in the red dress, the Gatling gun, carried by the ones in the yellow and pink dresses, and the wooden siege crossbow, carried by the ones on the black and blue dresses.

They took aim. Cohen pulled out his Palm Pilot PDA and began pressing the touch-screen buttons incessantly until his control stylus broke.

"What are you girls doing?" he cried. "You're supposed to be under my command! End program!"

The giant arrow of the siege crossbow launched and impaled Cohen in the chest. He remained alive since he was a Pijin. Then Gatling gun fired its endless round of bullets, putting holes all over his body. Despite him falling apart, he still remained alive. Finally, the rocket launched from its launcher, and finally hits Cohen. He was finally blown into pieces.

"Cohen-sama!" cried Samuel.

Suddenly, his car shot up the slope and fell off the top. The trap door opened below him, and giant ogre-like man fell into the pit of spikes and exploding explosives. At the same time, the zombie supermodels became limp and collapsed into dust.

The safety rail was lifted up, freeing Becky, Mira, and HLS from their car. They leapt off their slope and ran towards Ginger who had just collapsed. Mira arrived first to cradle Ginger in her bosom.

"Ginger!" she cried. "Are you all right?"

"Ow, stop!" Ginger wailed. "I'm cut, shot, burned, bruised, bleeding, and wet!"

"Sorry! I'll stop shaking you. I'll fix you up right in a jiffy."

"Pretty clever of you to toy with Cohen when you had the upper hand at the beginning."

"Too bad I didn't fool you," said Ginger. "I just that I had no other way to use you guys as a shield."

"What are you guys talking about?" Mira asked.

"It just so happens that Ginger switched her PDA with Cohen's PDA right when she passed him the first time," explained Becky.

"After remembering the program code," Ginger continued, "I switched our PDAs back at the next pass. Then I discreetly rewrote the zombie and the floor control program on my PDA and did some clever hacking to make him convince that he was in control. Of course, I could have kept it anyway since he was too cocky to notice the switch."

"How did you hide your PDA?" asked Mira.

"As taught by the Muffin Woman, I cleverly hid it in my pussy."

Mira closed her eyes and moaned softly in utter arousal. Then suddenly she wrapped her arms tightly around Ginger and began hugging her while shaking her.

"You are so cool Ginger!" she squealed.

"What part of 'stop' do you not understand?" Ginger wailed.

Mira quickly patched up Ginger's wounds and wrapped a long string of bandages almost around her entire body. Ginger looked like a mummy--a sexy one at that. Mira lifted Ginger up and carried her on her back to great delight. Mira followed Becky and HLS to the second elevator. Once inside, the elevator took them up to their next challenger.

Red could have sworn that something stinks. Then there was this licking of her feet. She laughed and giggled until she woke up on the couch. She was now face-to-face to the Man-Eating Cow, which seemed pretty cute and non-violent. Maybe it only eats men.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"You're in my tower," announced Beane with a shot glass in his hand, "the Beane-Stark Tower. It's too bad I'm going to demolish it with your friends in it."

"Don't do anything rash little girl," said Harp, who lied across on the other couch eating Pringles brand chips while drinking very expensive wine. "You can't get to them through the elevator. Beane has the entire building under his control."

"And you have met my most strongest guard, the Man-Eating Cow!"

"Moo," said the MEC.

"You can't possibly escape from our clutches--not at this moment though. Just sit back and watch the security monitors as my second Pijin ensnares your precious Olde Wolfe Ears."

Red sat up. As she watched Harp eat, she could not help but notice that she looked very familiar.

"Hey aren't you..."

Harp choked.

"It has to be! You are--"

"I'm not her!" cried Harp. "We just look alike, that's all!"

Even Red could see that she was lying.

They reached the twelfth floor. When the door slid opened, Becky saw paradise. Lined up against the walls and in the middle of the room was tables full of all matters of whiskey bottles stacked four high. She could no longer resist her slobbering, and dashed towards the nearest bottle.

"Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooze!" Becky screamed.

"Fucking doomed," said the sexy Ginger-mummy.

Becky heard a gun click. A bullet was fired towards her feet, and she jumped back in time to avoid it. Emerging from behind one of the tables was a young woman dressed in an olive-green 1920's dress and a rounded hat. In her mouth was blue cigarette pipe holding a smoking cigarette. In her hand was a Colt M1911 semi-auto pistol.

"Please don't touch that," she said. "That's for the game. Don't forget that my boss has a hostage."

"Let me guess, you're also a Pigeon," said Becky.

"Pijin. Please get your pronunciation right. Anyway, my name is Edna Ferber, your next challenger."

"No way," gasped Mira.

"You know this woman?" asked Becky.

"Of course! She's famous novelist who won the Pulitzer Prize for So Big. Her other novel, Giant, was made into a movie where James Dean lasted stared in."

"I take it you have read many of my books," smiled Edna.

"You're one of my favorite authors Miss Ferber. I cannot believe that you would turn so evil."

"Evil? I don't think I'm evil. It is the world that is evil, girl. It seems that things are getting worse with U.S. Americans electing white male Protestant idiots as President amidst governmental and capitalist cronyism. Only a brilliant woman such as Darryl Güse will put this corrupt world in order."

"So you're working for her, aren't you?" growled Becky as she puts her hand on the handle of her sword.

"To some extent, almost everyone is working for her, even if you fight against her. I am sad that there will be sacrifices made to create her new world order, but it must be done. If you three have to be killed in the process, then I will gladly do the job. However, I will give you guys a chance to prove your righteousness in the challenge I offer you."

"What is this challenge?" Becky asked.

"Come, I will show you."

Edna led Becky, Mira, Ginger, and HLS to a square chamber defined by the tables of filled whiskey bottles. In that chamber was a couch towards the rear, two leather lounge chairs with two carts next to it, a 27" Somy television on a stand containing a VCR and a pile of videotapes.

"Here is the challenge," began Edna, "it's a simple drinking game."

"Ooh, I love drinking games!" Becky cried out.

"Each player will watch Japanese Animation pornography that focuses on tentacle rape."

Ginger's eyes opened. "Tentacle rape? Anime?"

"When a tentacle rape scene comes up, the player must keep on drinking whiskey until the scene ends. There can be no long pauses during the scene. A toilet break is allowed at the end of the movie, and you can only drink one bottle of water to replenish your water content. Last one standing wins. If you win, you can use elevator number three to advance up the building to meet the next challenger. If I win, this floor, riddled with explosives underneath, will detonate when I push this button."

Edna pulled out of her pocket to display a card remote--the detonator.

"Don't try to pull a fast one like you did with N.M. Cohen," said Edna. "Although I don't think that will be possible since your hacker is too wounded to do anything."

"You'll get killed along with us," said Mira.

"And all the booze will be gone!" cried Becky.

"It's within my duty. After all, I'm supposed to be dead, yet here I am as a living shadow of my former self. Now, who wants to challenge me?"

"I will!"

"I do not think that would be wise," said Mira. "You may have to be sober for our next Pijin challenger. I have a feeling that he or she may the strongest yet. I've decided that I will challenge Miss Ferber."

"But you're Muslim."

"If I have to save a friend, then I will transgress what is said in the Quran. I'm sure Allah would forgive me."

"Are you sure about that, girl?" said Edna. "I can tell that you don't have the body type to hold your alcohol, and this would most certainly be the first time your will drink so much. Don't forget that I am a Pijin who can hold ten or even a hundred times more alcohol than an ordinary human and still feel sober."

"I'll try my best."

"Mira, you don't really have to," said Becky.

"Miss Wolfe, please take Ginger and rest up."

"And don't touch the drinks!" Edna snapped.

"Damn," said the Becky.

Mira handed the sexy Ginger-mummy to Becky. Becky took Ginger and sat together on the couch with a good view of the television. HLS walked with and sat at the side of the furniture.

"By the way Mira dear, could you drop off your bag of syringes and liquid bullets and disarm yourself all the way," said Edna.


"I'll put my pistol aside in all fairness. However, I will hold on to the detonator."

Mira puts away all her modified pistols and dropped off next to Beck and Ginger her bag containing not just her syringe darts and liquid bullets, but the medical supplies as well. Edna then puts her gun at one of the farthest tables and came back.

Mira and Edna then loaded up their carts of various whiskeys, starting with the ones with the lowest ABV (alcohol by volume), and pushed them next to the lounge chairs next to TV. The chairs were bolted that they could not move. They were positioned so that each player in the drinking game can see both the movie and each other at the same time.

"A tentacle rape marathon!" exclaimed Ginger. "Man, I sure wish I was in the drinking game."

"You can't hold your liquor and you know it," said Becky.

"But all these booze around you and not a drop to drink... I bet you're suffering inside, aren't ya Sis?"

Becky turned around and looked at the whiskey bottles behind her. She quickly turned back around to plant her eyes on the television hoping to avoid the temptation. The bottles were behind her and within arms-reach.

Ginger grinned, for this would be an opportunity to mess with Becky's thirst.

The anime movies consisted of the following: twelve tapes from the Urotsukidoji saga, four tapes of the La Blue Girl saga, the movie Alien from the Darkness, and another movie Advancer Tina. All of these movies predominantly feature tentacle rape, but they were not necessarily needed to be shown in order. And so, Edna puts in the first tape of the Urotsukidoji saga and hits play.

They were off. Mira drank without hesitation and against the laws of her religion, and Edna casually finished her bottle after bottle. They finished the movie, and then took a short bathroom break. They returned to watch a tape from the La Blue Girl saga.

As the tapes played, Becky, Ginger, and even HLS sat watching the movies with interested eyes. Around third chapter of Urotsukidoji, they started to get bored. HLS lied down on the ground and fell asleep, while Becky took out her sword and swung it down repeatedly. The reason she did that was to fight her urge to reach over and grab a bottle of whiskey that were all around her. Ginger discreetly took a bottle from the stacks and hovered it before Becky's eyes. Becky dropped her sword and slowly advanced her hands towards it. Then she closed her eyes, puts her hands down, and took a deep breath.

"You can't tempt me, brat," said she.

"I know," smiled Ginger. "Think of this is as a test of willpower."

Ginger then started making cartoony ghostly noises.

"I am the great spirit of Tennessee Whiskey!" Ginger said. "The power of distilled grain compels you to drink me!"

Becky remained still and began humming herself into a trance.

"Drink me!"

Ginger shook the bottle even more nosily, causing Becky's eyes to open and water. Her jaw drops and began drooling. Finally, her hands slowly rose to grab the bottle.

On the leather lounge chair on the right, Edna had the detonator exposed toe Becky and Ginger's eyes.

"Put it back," she said.

Becky and Ginger sighed. Ginger puts back the bottle and slumped on the couch with Becky.

Somewhere in the second, third or fourth tape of the La Blue Girl saga, Becky and Ginger fell asleep. Mira and Edna had just finished yet another tentacle rape scene and were now in some dialogue between two characters. As of now, at least four tables of whiskey had been drunk down to the last drop, and Edna and Mira have yet to show any signs of drunkenness.

"I guess now we can have some time together," smiled Edna. "So how are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," replied Mira.

"We could do this for days."

They sat watching, and became engrossed with the story even though it was neither dubbed nor subtitled in English.

"I can't help but notice that you seem to have a full understanding of the Japanese language," Edna said.

Mira then gripped the armrest of her chair. Edna was right.

"At first, I assumed that you were just an innocent twenty three-year-old girl from Pakistan. It seems that there is more to you than what you show to your friends."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Have you heard of the Poison Princess?"


"I hear that she possesses an ultra-rare genetic condition that makes her immune to almost all poisons and toxins, both natural and artificial. It is said that her method of killing is by poisoning either through ingestion, injection, or through gas. She needs no filter mask, goggles, or even a hazard suit to protect herself from her own poison. I also hear rumors that the only thing that can kill her is a simple vaccine or certain kinds of medicine."

"I find that to be a highly exaggerated underworld legend."


Another tentacle rape scene came up. Mira and Edna drank. As it turns out, it was the last scene and the movie ended soon enough. Edna took out the tape and puts it in the case.

"Shall we?" she said.

"Of course."

Mira and Edna went to the bathroom together and urinated. Afterwards, they drank one bottle of water from the cooler, and went back to grab the empty carts. Then they went to a far corner to grab their next selection.

"I notice that you're always wet," Edna said.

"I just have a problem with my bladder," said Mira.

"That's a lie, and you know it."

"You can tell?"

"If you were urinating during the drinking game, I would have blown up the building."

"I see."

"I take it you think about your loved one all the time."

"I do."

"That is so romantic. Are you together?"


"So it's a crush then. Girl, I think you should confess to him before its too late. I'll even allow you to use the phone to call him."

"I prefer to admire 'him' from a far."

"I really recommend that you say something to him."

"In due time."

"So what did you think of my books? I mean, really. Don't you think they are a bit cliché?"

"I can't believe you'd say that about yourself."

"The 20th century is drawing to a close, and I chanced to read this decade's novels shortly after my revival. They were quite pessimistic about the future. I could not imagine that this great nation could sink so low."

"Even the amidst absolute darkness and despair, there will be life and hope in the unlikeliest places. My time with those girls convinced me so."

"If you had a choice, whose ideal would you choose? Rebecca Maryland Wolfe's, or Darryl Güse's? Oh, you don't have to choose, girl. Choices can change on a whim. One day you feel red, and another day you'd feel blue."

"I suppose."

The two then decided to grab their next set of drinks far away from the square chamber. Mira spotted a row of Canadian whiskey on the top where Edna was at.

"Say, could you get that for me?" Mira asked.

"Sure," replied Edna. "How many do you need?"


"Very well."

Edna reached over and grabbed in twos the Canadian whiskey and deposited them into Mira's cart.

"Thank you," Mira bowed.

Mira began walking away with her cart. Suddenly, Edna grabbed her arm and halted her.

"Just a minute," said Edna.

"What is it?"

Edna dove her hand into Mira's pocket and grabbed hold of the remote detonator that was just lifted from her. Mira quickly turned around and grabbed the other end. They were now face to face gripping the detonator with their index fingers and thumbs while they bore their determined eyes and teeth at each other. They grabbed and wrestled with each other's free hand. Edna could detonate the whole floor by pushing the button, but she knew that if she lets go for just less then a half-second, Mira would take it and run.

The women stepped back and forward with their butts knocking against the piles of rattling whiskey bottles. They stepped on each other's toes and even kicked their shins hard. The pain was great, but they still stood their ground.

"It's nothing personal," grinned Mira. "I just don't have the time to watch degrading and sexist Japanese animated porn."

In one loud wail, Edna charged forward and pushed Mira into a table. As Mira tumbled backwards, she latched her left foot onto Edna's crotch and flung her upward. As the two collapsed onto each other the pile of bottles, the detonator flew out of their hands and landed behind another table full of Whiskey bottles.

Edna shot back up to her feet and tried to run off. But Mira pulled her down by grabbing onto her ankle. Edna began kicking Mira in the face really hard. Mira freed her left hand grabbed a whiskey bottle. She shattered it against the floor. Hearing this, Edna grabbed a bottle, and shattered hers. Mira lets go of her ankle and jumped back to her feet at the time Edna did.

It was another face off. They shifted left and right in with their broken bottles in their hands. Edna lunged forward and grazed Mira's chest with her weapon. Mira trapped her attack arm, and spun her around in an attempt to stab her. But Edna grabbed Mira's attack arm wi

Chapter 18

Title: Super-Special Number 01 - The Great Smashing Hollow Ween Pumpkins

Super-Special Number 01 - The Great Smashing Hollow Ween Pumpkins

In some parts of the world, most particularly the United States of A, there is a holiday called Halloween where children dress up in various costumes on the evening of October 31st. In their new guises, they set out with their sacks or plastic pails into the neighborhood going door-to-door, knocking on them, and then say to the owner of the house "Trick or Treat". The owner would then smile at the cute children in their cute costumes and then place a few pieces of candy in their sacks or pails. The process repeats until the children get tired of going door to door or when then their accompanying parents call them back.

Halloween is not just about going door to door and asking for candy. It is also a party celebration where people dress up in costumes to socialize and sometimes play games.

Halloween is the perfect day to cross-dress and no one will ridicule you for doing so--at least for the men, that is. Halloween is also perfect for getting drunk, and it is also the candy manufacturers' most profitable day. Apparently, dentists do not love Halloween, but they certainly love the day after it.

Bustling best described Red's General Store. Though small, it was an extremely popular stop for tourists and city dwellers visiting from Nashville. There were many points for its popularity.

The first point was the food. A pretty Pakistani woman lent her exotic touch to her cooking of all-American food items such as pancakes, hamburgers, and most importantly cornbread in the tiny indoor cafe. There was a legend that the cornbread contains an addictive aphrodisiac that for some reason makes husbands effeminate yet good with their wives in bed. Conversely, that same aphrodisiac makes wives domineering and good with their husbands in bed. Of course, the sexually frustrated married couples could always buy the exotic aphrodisiacs behind the pharmaceutical counter or on aisle three next to the greeting cards.

The second point was the audio CD duplicator kiosk tucked away in the corner between the café and freezer aisle. The kiosk also doubled as a computer connected to the Internet through a T1 line. Due to the appearance of an Internet program called Napster, people had been flocking to Red's in droves. Oddly enough, this did not put Ted's record shop across the street out of business. Thanks to Napster, he saw increased sales of CDs that would have never otherwise been sold.

The third point was the eclectic selection of exotic, contraband, and quasi-illegal substances. Red's general store sold unique items imported from all over the world, such as Pocky and jars of shark testicles as an herbal remedy. The more risky and risqué items can only be bought at the checkout counter. The cashier was a shifty tomboyish girl with short dark hair and glasses who can get you anything from hallucinogenic cannabis, P-Scratcher, and limited edition Gundam model kits. Cash, gold, or platinum was the only accepted legal tender. Bring lots of it if you plan on buying contraband items.

The fourth point was the magazine racks. Though small, its selection dwarfs that of Barnes and Noble, Borders, or the Adult video store that was a couple blocks away. It had magazines for all types of gays, geeks, freaks, and fundamentalist religious nuts everywhere. People will come to Red's to read up on the latest articles and gossip on various topics, such as Yaoi[i], ASCII art, and weapons of mass destruction. Despite the conflicting backgrounds of these magazine readers, Red's General Store had inadvertently become the most neutral and peaceful location in the entire world.

The last, and most important point is the owner whose name graces the general store. Have you not seen her yet? Shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame. She was the cutest owner to ever grace the heartland of North America. Red Little herself dedicated the entirety of the store hours standing in the front dressed in her cute Catholic schoolgirl uniform greeting each customer with a smile as she happily swept her little broom. One look at her and you could not help but go inside her general store. Even if you were just browsing, you would certainly leave with an item you never expected to find in a backwater town, yet wanted for all your life.

The store had been through rough, yet strange times. There were days when they were threatened with numerous closures from fundamentalist or outright insane religious groups and the Soccer Mom Syndicate. The wise yet drunk store manager, Becky Wolfe, appeased these groups' anger in various ways. Becky gave the complaining Christians a box of Jesus' Holy Feces. To the Jews, Becky gave each of them a brick of the original Temple of Jerusalem and scalped tickets to the sold-out Fiddler on the Roof playing on Broadway. Of the religious groups, the Muslims were difficult to appease, but Becky somehow managed them to shut them up by giving each of them Barbara Streisand tickets, which she was desperate to get rid of.

And what did she do to the members of the Soccer Mom Syndicate? Becky invited her friend Kitty Muffet (A.K.A., the Muffin Woman) to perform Holistic Cunnilingus on all of the members. Since that time, Becky never heard from the SMS ever again, although Kitty often complained that the SMS constantly begged her to attend their children's soccer games.

On some days, the store would close because Becky and the girls were off doing their other "business." Most of the time, the closures occurred because one or all of the girls didn't feel like working. The reasons for it range from drunkenness, being stoned, too tired, or having sex. To show concern for their loyal customers, they would always report such reasons on a handwritten sign taped on the front entrance.

Never once did Red's General Store succumb to a financial crisis. That was, until one day in late October...

The store was nearing closing time. Actually, closing time was supposed to be a couple of hours ago, but the girls never bothered to adhere to the store hours posted in the front window. The time was 11 o'clock by the way, and there were only two customers left.

Ginger became tired of waiting for the two horny teenager boys staring at the adult magazines at the magazine rack. So she picks up one of her spent plastic Coca-Cola bottles and chucked them to their heads.

"Are you two fags gonna buy that?" Ginger yelled. "I haven't got all night!"

"You know our moms," said one of the boys.

"Like I give a flying fuck. Just buy one of my fake magazine covers and you're covered."

"But they're too expensive," said the other boy.

"Being cheap and horny is not a good combination." Ginger turned her head and yelled, "SIS!"

There was a loud crash and rustle in the manager's office. Becky Wolfe slumbered out dazed and confused. Her breath obviously smelled of alcohol.

Ginger grabbed Becky's Shinseiki Katana from underneath the counter and puts it in her hand.

"Kill them!" Ginger ordered. "Kill them now!"

Scared for their lives, the two boys dropped the magazines, peed in their pants, and then ran screaming out of the store and past Red Little who is happily sweeping her broom in an endless fashion.

"Thanks for shopping!" greeted Red. "Please come back again!"

Back inside, Becky scratched one of her two wolf ears as she wonders what was going on. Slowly but surely, she grasped the situation that once again Ginger used her to scare off any customers she didn't like. Realizing this, Becky hits Ginger on the head with the butt of her katana.

"Ow, fuck! My bu--er, I mean my head!" cursed Ginger. "What did you do that for, Sis?"

"You've done it again," said Becky. "At this rate, we are going to be in the red."

"It's not my fault that they aren't buying anything. When a customer walks in, I have to make an effort to make them buy something--even if it is a stupid chocolate bar. Otherwise, they should just fuck off."

"You're a real people person."

"People suck. And they suck a lot of dick as well."

Mira emerged from the kitchen with a tray with two bowls of desert.

"Oh my," she said. "Where are those two boys? They left without eating the pineapple parfait I made for them."

"Ginger..." growled Becky.

"How was I supposed to know that they paid already?" said Ginger. "Besides, we got free money."

"Whatever you say. I suppose we can't let the parfait go to waste." Becky walks over to the cafÇ and grabs one of the desert bowls.

"That's the spirit Sis!" cheered Ginger. "Eat the pudding that those fags paid for!"

"Be quiet Gingerbrat."

All of a sudden Red bursts into the store distressed. As usual, she holds the two broom halves that she broke, yet for some reason there is loud hissing noise.

"Grandma! Grandma!" cried Red.

"What is it Red-chan?" Becky asked.

"I've got two snakes on my broom!"

Red held up the two broom halves. Coiled around it and her arms are two black poisonous snakes.

"By the good will of Allah, those are black mambas!" cried Mira.

"Shit, what the fuck is wrong with this girl?" cried Ginger.

"Red-chan, don't move!" said Becky.

"Do what now?" asked Red.

"Don't come any closer?"

Red advanced closer. "Huh?"

Becky stepped backward, but then suddenly Red dashed straight towards Becky and the other girls and gave them a good chase around the store. Things fell, things broke, and the large canister of propane exploded as Red scared the shit out of Becky, Ginger, and Mira with the two black snakes on her arms.

Meanwhile at the back of the store, HLS shagged two female pit bull terriers with her double-dildo strap-on. She had interrupted a gambled fight that was happening. Initially, the bettors, the spectators, and the pit bulls' owners were pissed when HLS appeared. But after a while, they felt strangely excited at the sight of a dog fucking two dogs at the same time. Instead of betting on which pit bull would kick the other's ass, they decided to wager on how long HLS would last. Let me tell you, HLS lasted a long time.

Unfortunately they were too engrossed in the dog fucking to notice that the entire general store was becoming wholly trashed of all of its goods. Being a poison expert, the scared Mira tamed the snakes by playing Jennifer Lopez's latest single, and then killed them both with a waffle iron. Not wanting to hear wannabe pop artist sing any further, Ginger grabbed her metal bat and bashed to pieces the expensive CD jukebox.

"That felt good," smiled Ginger. "Say, do you think we can sell the snake's poison and stuff?"

"We could," said Mira, "but look at our store."

Ginger looked around. Literally everything was either broken or burning.

"It could be worse," said Ginger.

"Worse, huh?" Becky said. "Now we got nothing to sell!"

"I know I can do something about that in a few days."

"We need the money soon to pay for the lease, the huge fees we racked up, and to bribe Commissioner White."

"And we ran out of Seventeen magazine for him," added Mira.

"It this a good time for a meeting?" Ginger asked.

"Oh yes it is," said Becky.

"Hey, is this store open?" asked a voice.

The girls turned around and saw the famished resident crackhead Joe poking his head into the store.

"Oh, hey Joe," greeted Becky.

"Oh man," he said. "I didn't know a tornado blew in here."

"A tornado does less damage."

"Is this a bad time? I really wanted to present to you my girlfriend Davina in the bikini she had just bought."

The two words "Davina" and "bikini" was not just an unsettling thought; it was a horrific and an apocalyptic vision. Never do the girls wanted to see a grotesquely thin and hairy transsexual male in a bikini. Not wanting to see his/her silhouette past the windows, Ginger pushed Joe out into the sidewalk, and Mira, Red, and Becky locked and barricaded the door. Then they boarded up the windows.

"Let's move the meeting to the cabin," Becky suggested.

All the rest of the girls nodded in unison. Quickly, they gathered the cash from the cash register and the safe and hurried through the back door. At the back alley, they found a pile of dead men with bloodied crotches and two female pit bulls walking in circles in a daze. HLS sat before the girls panting with her tail wagging and bloodied mouth open.

"It's safe to assume that the headlines will read 'Men Committed Ritualistic Suicide in Back Alley," said Becky.

Everyone nodded in agreement. With HLS following them, they all returned home at the cabin by the river.

Mira made dinner, which everyone ate amidst the rocking sound of Marilyn Manson[ii] and Malice Mizer[iii]. When desert was served in the form of western muffins, such as cornbread and chocolate, they gathered all their coffee-stained financial material and papers, and an abused IBM laptop which Mira, Becky, and Red recently had their threesome on.

"I call the meeting of this household to adjourned!" Becky announced.

"We didn't even start yet stupid-ass," said Ginger.

"I meant to say that it is beginning, and stuff. Hey, what did you call me?"


"I'm not that stupid!"

"Settle down," said the motherly Mira. "As we can see by the bills and bribes we owe, we are most certainly at the red."

"They're at me?" Red asked.

"Anyway, if we don't make any money soon, Red's will be closed down, and we won't have enough money to evade the authorities and support our lifestyle at the same time."

"I'll be closed down?"

"Damn right," said Ginger. "I need to be pampered till I cum!"

Mira became wet when she heard that. She nearly fainted in sheer ecstasy, and slapped herself back into composure. Now she needed to satisfy Ginger more than ever.

"So then," started Becky, "do we have any ideas to raise some money?"

Ginger shot her hand up.

"Without getting us killed?"

Ginger's hand remained erect.

"Shot at?"

Ginger still had her hand up.


Ginger hand was still up.

"What do you suggest Gingerbrat?"

"I say we sell crack!"

"We just did!"

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it!"

"What about that crazy hallucinogenic cannibis that Red's folks had been producing?"

"You burned it all down while you and Red were playing."

"That's because we wanted to stone the whole town. That didn't turn out the way I planned it."

"Do you think we could manipulate the stock market like last time?" Mira asked.

"Not a chance. I hear there is a dot-com boom coming up. I may be an underage gambler, but there is no way I am gambling on the shitty start-ups out there."

"So I guess we have to wait it out."

"How about we take a job from Gottmutter?"

"She does not have any right now," replied Becky.

"I see."

"Do we have any other ideas?"

"We could do the loan thing again, but it's near impossible now due to the crackdowns."

"Of course. We've already taken too much loans under false identities."

"I could come up with one more."

"Oh really?"

"Indeed I could. Plus, I also have an excellent proposition prepared for you guys!"

"Here we go again..."

Ginger pulled from underneath the pile of papers a bounded document she printed using the copier they had stolen from a Neo-Nazi publisher, who was beaten to death by his compatriots because Ginger and the other girls put a sign on him that read that he loved Barbara Streisand and Yanni.

"I just downloaded and printed an advance copy of Matthew Lesko's Free Government Money for the Criminal Mastermind!" Ginger announced. "On page 267, there is a five-hundred thousand dollar government grant for a pair of disabled teenage lesbians who wish to start an online business."

"Are you serious?" Becky asked.

"Of course I am! I checked it out by hacking into the federal government. It has Sandra Day O'Connor's approval."

"Well slap my butt and call me lavender. I would have not known."

"Don't you worry you guys! I'll head over to the state office and get the money faster than you can say 'Anne Heche is a dickgirl'."

Mira leapt from her chair and grabbed both of Ginger's hands.

"It requires a pair, right?" Mira asked. "Then I'll happily be your, um, partner."

"No thanks," smiled Ginger. "You're too old. I'm going with Red."

I'm too old? Mira screamed within her mind. She immediately lets go of Ginger's hands and staggered backward in a daze. Her head drooped, and she lumbered past all the girls and HLS.

"I'm be in my room," said Mira. She headed upstairs and closed herself off in her remodeled room that once had posters of obnoxious boy bands and brainless female pop idols. Then she started masturbating.

Becky then hits Ginger on the head.

"Baka!" she said. "You don't tell women that they're old!"

"Well, she is!" said Ginger.

"She's only twenty-three. But anyway, how come I'm not your partner?"

"First off, you're too tall. Second, I couldn't get anywhere with you stopping by at every bar we see, including the gay-male ones. Third, Red is a lot more controllable than you ass-fat."

"What did you call me?"


Becky lunged, but she hesitated. Usually, she would spank Ginger upon hearing her say "fat-ass", but she had just said it reverse.

"Ha!" Ginger cried. "I confused you sorry ass-fat!"

Becky thought for a second. If Ginger said it in reverse, then in turn she should spank her in reverse. But how? That would mean she'd be slapping her vagina, and even for her that would be too invasive... and erotic.

"I got it!" Becky cried.

Becky tripped Ginger so that she fell on her back. Then she started stomping Ginger's crotch with her foot.

"Ah, what the fuck are you doing?" cried Ginger. "This only works on guys!"

"Shut-up!" Becky snapped. "I'm trying to punish you!"

"Go ahead and try you numbnut!"

Suddenly, Ginger started moaning, and it became even louder as Becky stomped harder. Then she started fondling her own breasts until she came with a tearful orgasm. Becky finally realized at what she had done, so she sat back down shocked.

Ginger was shocked as well. Though she masturbated on occasion, this was the first time some other person made her cum. She sat back up on the floor and rested her hands on her knees in embarrassment.

"Um, sorry," Becky blushed.

"Er, maybe I should stop calling you ass-fat," said Ginger. "That was just too..."

"It was an accident."

"I know."

"The feelings just mutual, right?"


"What just happened?" Red asked.

"Nothing!" Becky and Ginger cried. "Nothing at all!"

"Oh. Hey, Ginger. We should change into our disguises!"

Ginger leapt back on her feet. "Great idea!" she said. "To the Gingerbread Grrl Cave!"


"I mean, let's go upstairs and change into our costumes."

Red and Ginger ran upstairs to their respective rooms. Minutes later, they emerged into the hallway in their special costumes. Ginger was wrapped in all bandages just like that one chapter before, and the only thing that was exposed were her eyes, her hair, her bra, and the accompanying cleavage. Red was dressed in a tight-fitting and dangerously provocative Spiderwoman outfit that accentuated her "camel toe" on the groin area.

"Sexy Ginger-Mummy!" Ginger cried in a heroic pose.

"Spidercunt!" Red cried.

"Together we are..."

They stopped in the middle of a money-shot, wondering what their "superhero" duo should be.

"I think it should be just the two of us," said Ginger.

"Just the two of us," sang Red.

Becky and HLS looked back up to them somewhat confused.

"I can understand you Gingerbrat," said Becky, "but why is Red dressed in a Spiderwoman costume?"

"I'll just tell the grant office that she's mentally disabled," grinned Ginger.

"Ginger-ale is made from human urine," said Red.

"Damn it, we knew that already. Haven't you been paying attention to the novel?"

"So you girls need any help?" Becky asked.

"Don't worry about us! We'll be back before 20/20[iv] comes on."

"Okay. Take care."

Ginger and Red got their usual belongings of an IBM 240 notebook computer and two FN Browning BDAO compact pistols respectively, and headed outside where their stolen turbo-charged and nitro-assisted yellow Yugo was parked at. As it turned out, the Yugo already had a rickety wheelchair and two walking crutches in the trunk when it was stolen--perfect for Ginger and Red's fraudulent operation. The super modification came later.

Red waved goodbye to Becky as Ginger took the wheel and drove off. When they disappeared from sight, Mira finally emerged from her room with soaked panties and stepped out onto the porch.

"Darn, I missed Sexy Ginger-Mummy," said Mira. "Anyway, what was that noise down there? It almost sounded like Ginger was coming."

"Oh that?" Becky said. "Um I sort of made her come with my foot."

"With your foot?"

Mira looked dropped to the ground to sniff Becky's right foot, which was covered by a sock. She sniffed it, and found traces of Ginger's vagina scent. Distressed by the news, she fell backward.

"Don't tell me you and Ginger," she gasped.

"It was sort of accidental. Ginger was a bit confused at first, but I can tell she liked it."


Mira ran back to her room in tears and locked herself inside. Once again, she masturbated and fantasized about making Ginger get off with her feet.

"I wanted to go down into the Gingerbread Grrl Cave!" Mira whined.

And so, Ginger sped the yellow Yugo downtown in Nashville to the State Treasury building. Being the lazy-ass, Ginger got onto the rickety wheelchair and rolled on ahead as Red struggled to use the crutches because the ones she had were meant to be slid over the forearms instead of placed underneath the armpits.

The two mismanaged their way through the hallways garnering full attention from the suits, jeans-wearing unemployed, and the English-as-their-second-language janitors. Ginger plowed her way in her wheelchair kicking people along the way, while Red tripped all over knocking down trashcans, vases, and a whole row of disabled National Guard veterans. They took the elevator up to the third floor and went inside the grants and aid office to wait impatiently for about fifteen minutes until their numbers were called up. Right when they approached the desk to submit the paperwork, the secretary Primeris Sturges, upon on glance, immediately discovered they had an invalid form.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," said she, "the government had just stopped the all acceptances of this type of grant just yesterday."

Angered, Ginger leapt off her wheelchair and slammed her hands on the secretary's desk. "What?" she cried. "I wasn't told of this! You're trying to shaft me! Is that it you city-hillbilly?"

"You should have received a mailing notice last week."

Ginger's frown disappeared, for she realized that she had been using addresses to condemned and abandoned houses she owned all over North America, and she wasn't quite sure which one the Federal grant office sent it to.

"Um, say," Ginger said with a smile, "you don't suppose there are any other grants for disabled lesbians."

"Like hell," said Primeris. "Our government had rid itself of homosexual grant aid and subsidies. Besides, you're not disabled."

"What are you talking about? I'm in a wheelchair! And I got bandages wrapped all over my body!"

"Yeah, sure."

"I got leprosy. Groin leprosy. Really contagious."

Ginger kicked Red in the shin to speak up.

"I've got groin leprosy too!" Red cried.

The secretary Primeris dropped her jaw in absolute horror.

"You hear that!" Ginger yelled out. "I've got groin leprosy! And it's eating my vagina away! Mwa ha ha!"

There were screams of fright. Men, women, transgenders, and transsexuals alike covered their crotches to help shield from the false bacterial-viral disease. Word spread fast, and almost immediately the entire federal emptied out of the frightful running with their hands between their legs.

"Such fools," winced Ginger. "That's Nashville for ya."

"So what imaginary disease are you going to use next?" Red asked.

"Mammary papilla sangre--the nipple-bleeding virus. Now let's get to work!"

Fortunately, some of the offices had cash registers and safes, and some people left their wallets and purses during the frenzied escape. After disabling the security, Ginger and Red stole all of the money that was left behind, but due to the troubling local economy, they could barely muster up five hundred dollars. Ginger threw down her wheelchair from the railing and headed down the stairs with Red disappointed with their effort.

"Stupid democrat government," grumbled Ginger. "They forgot to give shit to the fucking red states."

"So what do we do?" Red asked. "We can't go back to Grandma without the money."

"There is always the option of escaping Sis's clutches."

"Please don't leave us! We love you!"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

Right when they reached the first floor lobby, there was television with the news on. On it, a minority news anchor reported that a string of burglaries were being committed at people's homes by costumed persons pretending to be a non-profit entertainment venue for sick children.

"I say we rob people," said Ginger.

"But Grandma doesn't like preying on the weak," said Red.

"Weak? Weak? They're not weak! Individually they are, but when the congregate in their clandestine meetings in their churches, they are a force to be reckoned with! They want ban porn, drugs, video games, movies, books, art, Napster, Slashdot, and all that good stuff. And they unknowingly allied by the pig-headed heads of the corporations so they could use the churchgoers for their fascist take over the world! We have to deny these people of money before they give it to the church, who then hand it to their Republican political party run by right-wing atheist corprotists! Do you dig?"


Ginger slouched and looked down on the floor. "Why do I even bother?"

"But if it's the right thing to do, then I'll help you."

Ginger stood up and flailed her arms up. "Excellent! Now I'm getting closer to my takeover of the world. Republicans, democrats, and all those U.S. political parties--fuck them! Fuck them in their eye sockets! I'll be the true power in this world! They will all bow down to Sexy Ginger-Mummy!"

"And Spidercunt!"


"Okay!" Red saluted.

And so, Ginger and Red got into their yellow Yugo and drove off to a random surburbs for their first hit.

"Why am I stuck driving?" Jean Owen Biggs said to herself.

She was on the road in her black Nissan Maxima driving three people. First was her kooky older sister Gene Duo Biggs who had grown her hair back and it was now longer than ever. The second in the back seat was the Londoner Kitty Muffet, and third was a pretty female hitchhiker. Right now, Kitty was performing Holistic Cunnilingus on the hitchhiker in order to cure her heroin addiction. Besides that, Jean was also annoyed by the obnoxious chants Gene was practicing for her Tribade Zoroastrianism.

"And where are we going?" Jean asked.

"We're going to Becky-chan's!" Gene answered.

"I know that! I've been driving in circles for hours! And why do we have to pick up that druggie hitchhiker?"

"All life's meetings are significant."

"And annoying."

"I'm done," announced Kitty as she wiped vagina cum from her mouth.

"Thank God."

Jean drove to a full stop in the middle of a rural highway. The hitchhiker grabbed her pink purse and stepped out of the car. She then gave Kitty a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you so much," said the hitchhiker. "Will I ever see you again?"

Kitty pulled out a business card from her leather purse and gave to her.

"You now have my number darling," Kitty smiled.

"I'll look forward to it again."

Jean groaned. She resumed driving once Kitty drove the door.

"How did I get conned into this?" Jean said.

"You mentioned that you had an obligation to watch over us," said Kitty. "Plus, you don't have enough money to stay at the hotel while they fumigate the house and sticks for termites."

"Gene, why won't you stop collecting those damn sticks?"

"Each stick has a soul in it," started Gene, "including Popsicle sticks, Pixy Stix, metal sticks, band sticks, drum sticks, etc. They are the embodiment of the very life source of this planet of ours, for you see..."

"That's enough! Tell me where we are going!"

"Oh! That reminds me. The cabin is at a secret location."


"And only I know the way there."

"You never been there!"

"I've been there in spirit."


"Anyway, I have to blindfold you."

"But I'm the one driving! Why don't you drive?"

"I don't have a license Jean-chan."

"Neither do I," said Kitty. "I don't want to risk it since I'm used to driving on the left side in the U.K."

"It's not like there is any cop out there," said Jean.

"Ah, but you don't want to burden yourself financially with another ticket."

"Don't worry little sister," said Gene. "I'll give you extremely accurate directions."

"All right, fine! Just don't get us killed."

"I won't."

Jean pulled over to the side of the road. Kitty blindfolded herself with a black leather masochistic bondage blindfold she sometimes used during her Holistic Cunnilingus operations. Gene drew fake eyes on a white handkerchief and used it to wrap it around Jean's eyes. The eyes looked off and funny, and it nearly made Gene laugh. Jean could still see, but only blob-like shapes, light, and the badly-drawn fake eyes.

The reason Becky sent the directions to Gene because she was most likely not to tell anyone, or probably no one would take her seriously. Gene held out the directions she printed from an email and puts on her dirty reading glasses.

"I'm going to take a nap," said Kitty. "Wake me up when you get there."

Thus, Kitty fell asleep and started snoring.

"Okay, I'm starting to get back onto the road slowly," announced Jean.

"STOP!" Gene screamed.

Jean braked to a halt.

"What is it?" she asked.

"A spirit is passing by," replied Gene. "We don't want to run over it."

"A spirit?"

"The spirit of Tina Turner!"

"She's not dead!"

"I know, but right now it is detached."


Jean started off driving nearly blind on the empty highway.

"Just keep at it," said Gene. "You're doing fine."

Suddenly, there was bump, and Jean's heart raced.

"What was that?" Jean asked.

"Oh, that was just a cardboard," replied Gene.

"Thank God."

Suddenly they heard sirens.

"Is that the police?"

"Oh yes," said Gene.

"We've got to pull over!"

"Not to worry, they're at the other side of the road."

Then there were more sirens.

"Now what?"

"That's the ambulance. Just keep at the right and let them pass."

The sounds of the ambulance whizzed by. All of a sudden, there more sirens. At the same time, the air became hot and smelled smoky.

"That's just the firefighters putting out a nearby blaze."

"That means they'll close the road!" cried Jean.

"It's been closed beforehand for repairs. After the fire truck passes, get on your left. You'll be going onto a temporary gravel road."

"Are you serious?"

"Turn now!"

Jean made a sharp turn left. The ride now became rougher and bumpier. Kitty remained sleeping and snoring.

"You might make a slide right," said Gene. "And after a while, make curved left."


Jean made the turns. Then suddenly she felt they were going downhill, but not too much.

"I'm going the right place, right?" Jean asked.

"Of course," said Gene. "From then on, it's a steep drop."


As Gene had said, the hill became steeper, and Jean screamed as the car went down.

"Just maintain this path," said Gene.

"You and Becky are insane!"

"Ah! Watch out for that deer!"

Jean screamed and swerved to avoid the invisible target.

"By now we should be hitting the water," said Gene.

The car splashed into water, but it was not sinking. Gene patted Jean's shoulder and told her to go on.

"Are you sure we're not in a river?" Jean asked.

"Of course not," smiled Gene. "We're on a flooded highway."

Jean maintained control as the car sloshed its way through the waters. Then it suddenly rocked back and forth.

"What is going now?"

"That's just the two manatees on our right. They're having sex right now."

"You are kidding!"

"Ah, make a turn to the right in thirty seconds. We'll be out of the water if we do so."

Thirty seconds later, Jean made a turn.

"I want you to go top speed," said Gene.


"Trust me."

Jean floored the petal. All of a sudden, she felt the car lock itself onto some kind of railing. As she sped, she felt the road climb higher and higher until she felt a sensation of being upside down.

"Are we on a roller coaster?" Jean asked.

"Let me think... yes. There are two more loops and two corkscrews to go through."


All Jean could do now was cry. The tears were so much that she could not see the shapes and light anymore. Regardless, she maintained control of the car on the roller coaster until suddenly she felt she was in a dark place.

"We're inside a tunnel," said Gene.


"It's being flooded."

Jean screamed again. She sped the car and sometimes corkscrewed from the ground to the ceiling to avoid the noisy rush of water. Eventually, she emerged outside into the light.

"And we should be right inside a dense forest," said Gene. "Now follow the directions I am about to give to you."


She obeyed the directions and drove through the forest on an extremely bumpy pathway. The only obstacle she had to avoid besides the trees was an elephant.

"Are we clear?" Jean cried.

"Watch for that dog!"

Jean puts the car to a full stop. She unbuckled her safety belt and leapt out of the car. She took off her blindfold and threw it down to the ground. Then she angrily stared back at the relaxed and spaced-out Gene.

"Forget it!" Jean yelled. "I'm not going to drive anymore!"

"But Becky is eager to see us," said Gene. "Especially you Jean-chan."

"Then that's too bad! We're going back home!"

"Oh look. We're here already."


Jean turned around and saw the cabin was right before her eyes. At her feet wagging its tail was HLS, the dog she swerved to avoid. She fell to her knees stunned and stressed. HLS began licking her face to comfort her.

Finally, Kitty woke up from her nap and took off her leather bondage blindfold and stepped out of the car to stretch.

"Kitty-chan, we've arrived," Gene announced.

"I know," said Kitty. "The body is never one-hundred percent asleep. I somehow knew we had arrived."

Hearing the voices from outside, Mira headed out pants-less and after a quick session of masturbation. Gene and Kitty ran to give her a hug.

"Kitty, Gene!" Mira said. "Welcome!"

"It's nice to see you again darling," smiled Kitty.

"Becky! They're here!"

"They're here?" Becky's voice sounded out.

From the kitchen, a pants-less Becky ran out to the front porch and hugged Gene and Kitty. After doing so, she looked back at the stressed and stunned Jean.

"Hey Jean-chan," greeted Becky. "Would you like a hug too? It's boobilicious!"

Jean's eyebrow twitched. After slowing rising to her feet, she ran and tackled Becky. Then she started beating her breasts.


"Arf!" barked HLS.

"Jean," started Becky. "I have to mention that HLS says that you're in denial."


"Um, I guess I'll let you two in," Mira said to Kitty and Gene. Everyone had decided to allow Jean relieve her stress by beating Becky's breasts.

"Hold on," said Gene. "I have to get the costumes out of the trunk."

"Oh yes. That's one of the reasons you are here."

Mira and Kitty assisted Gene in carrying bags and bags of unfolded garments from the stuffed trunk to the cabin. At the same time, Becky got back on her feet and followed them while Jean kept on beating her breasts.

After putting aside the costumes in the living room, they all went to the kitchen and dinette where Mira made tea and served biscuits for the guests. Becky was seated so that Jean kept on beating her breasts while sitting next to her. Sometimes, Jean took a break to drink the tea that was given to her.

"How's your older sister doing Gene?" Becky asked.

"With the fortunate death of Rampion Nuzel," began Gene, "our dear Shania have taken a much needed sabbatical in India in order to foster new relations with top Indian stars. There, she shall meet the zombie spirit Gandhi, Buddha, and the actor Khan."

"Um, that's nice."

"How are things going at your place?" Kitty asked.

"Not so good. There are no jobs, our store's busted, and we're in debt. So we sent Red and Ginger to get some money for us."

"That's too bad."

"But that doesn't mean we can't party!"

"I can't help but notice that your car was wet on the bottom," said Mira. "Did you follow Becky's directions correctly?"

"Oh yes," smiled Gene. "I saw two manatees humping each other, a chemical factory fire, an elephant, rode a roller coaster, and escaped rushing water inside a tunnel. It was a thrill ride!"

"Then you've must have taken the long cut through the amusement park that's under construction, the new aqueduct, and the zoo."

"I did? Oh my. I guess I read the directions upside down. I always do these things since I'm semi-dyslexic. Then again, I did want to drop by those places because they were so interesting!"

Jean paused the beating of Becky's breasts. "You mean there was a safer path?"

"I had to draw out the map and directions for you to avoid being sighted by the police, the FBI, and Güse's spies," said Becky. "Although there was the option of smuggling you on the river via tugboat. But I'm impressed Gene. That is some awesome navigating!"

"I can't believe you Gene!"

"Are you going to beat my breasts?" asked Gene. "What fun!"

"No way! God knows where they have been! So I'll beat Becky's since she is the one behind this!"

Jean turned back to Becky and resumed beating her breasts. She continued to do so even when she went to the bathroom--with Becky watching her poop and pee.

The dark sedan of the FBI sped through the empty city streets of Nashville and towards the Federal welfare and grant office building where it was being fumigated, washed, and inspected by the city's biohazard response crew. The car stopped before a barricade checkpoint put up by the police, who were in blue and rubber HAZMAT suits. One of the officers walked up to the window of the car as it opened.

If one was expecting the plucky FBI agents Dish and Spoon, this was not the chapter since they were taking an appointed fishing trip with such fellow agents as Ryan Bowl, Steve Knife, and Fox Mulder organized by Assistant Directors Dish Sr. and John Fork in order to create cohesion between fellow agents. However, the women never like fishing, so they decided to choose work instead going out on boat to a polluted river that looked quite clean on the outside.

Today's agents, or rather this chapter's agents were Chandra Plate, a somewhat ditsy agent who had a one-night stand with Spoon because he accidentally ingested a black-market version of Viagra. The other female agent, who was sitting in the passenger seat, was the gruff, and somewhat disheveled Molly Pitcher who was chain-smoker of imported cigarettes. Despite her look, she was a top agent favored by Fork, and she always went by the book. However, there were times she was ruthless, but all her superiors felt that was her special trait.

The two women showed off their badges to the police officer.

"I'd advise you two to put on some HAZMAT suits," he said. "There was just news of an outbreak of groin leprosy."

"Groin leprosy?" twitched Pitcher. She opened the car door and spat out her cigarette in contempt. Then she leaned on the roof of the car and stared dead-on into the eyes of the now-frightened officer.

"I've got a orange-haired fellow agent who would like to say that is a crock of shit," said Pitcher. "Of course, she wouldn't say that directly. Are you Bible-belt bastards that stupid?"

"We're not exactly within the Bible Belt let alone stupid. I'm actually Anglican."

"Whatever you say you intelligent design freaks."

"What my partner is saying that there is no such thing as groin leprosy," said Plate. "Just the general leprosy."

"Thank God," said the officer.

"Now call off the HAZMAT crew," commanded Pitcher. "You're wasting too much of the citizen's tax dollars."

"Of course."

The officer then relayed the order to his superiors and the biohazard crew at the command truck. They were hesitant to do so, but upon seeing Pitcher lighting up another cigarette, they proceeded with her order.

"That was a little harsh. You always seem to scare people like that," said Plate as she got out of the car. "I find that very attractive."

"You're not hitting on me, are you?" Pitcher asked.

"Of course not. You know my heart's set on Patrick Spoon."

"You two haven't been talking to each other lately. What happened between you two?"

"It's his job. He and his partner are dead set on capturing those four girls and the dog."

"About that... I hear that Spoon is..."

"Hey may act like that, but I know he's straight as Golden Gate bridge!"

"If you think about, it's actually a curve, just like the surface of the Earth."

"And what about you? Have you got someone in your life?"

"Me? Ha! Like there ever will! Besides, I don't want to experience another loss of my man."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry--about your husband and all."

"Even though he was a left-wing liberal terrorist traitor, I still respect him for dying for what he believed in."

"You sure are positive about that."

"I have to move on you know."

"You really need to find yourself another man. Life's too short you know. Speaking of which, guys nowadays don't go for chain smokers. You really should something about that."

"It doesn't hurt me."

"You could still die from lung cancer."

"The doctor said I am fine. Every person is built different. You know that lung cancers were not prevalent before the Crimean War, which was the peak of the Industrial Age. That's because cigarettes since that time are made with unnatural materials that makes you addictive. They don't even use pure tobacco anymore. That is why I order independent and organically grown cigarettes from Eastern Europe for the buzz without the addiction."

"So you say."

Plate and Pitcher head over to the empty federal building and beheld the soap-laden walls and floor. Eventually, the chief appeared and took off his HAZMAT headgear.

"Hello ladies," he greeted, "I am Chief Zack Spud."

"Chandra Plate," said Plate.

"Molly Pitcher, said Pitcher. "What seems to be going on here?"

"The whole district cried wolf," said Spud. "It seemed they overreacted to the outbreak of groin leprosy. It was spread by two individuals in costumes."

"The Costumed Burglars!" cried Plate.

"You heard of them?"

"Of course! Besides the countless corporate robberies, they've also are wanted by the FBI for massive fraud and drug possession."

"Right now, they're on the verge of robbing the city's suburbs dry. Oh, why did the mayor have to cut back funding for our forces?"

"Have you found a pattern?" asked Pitcher.

"None. They're good; very good. They usually rob during Sunday when almost everyone is at church and during all manner of football games, monster truck shows, wrestling shows, and NASCAR races."

"And so we are sent to investigate this matter, as well as getting your asses in gear."

"Erm, yes."

"Is there anything special going on?"

"There is the game on TV."

"Damn. And every homeowner will have their guard down."

"And some of my men have feigned sickness so they could catch it."

"Even if they are sick, get those assholes out of their houses or local bars! There are two armed burglars on the loose and they'll rob yet another American Dream."

"Oh, you are so cool Molly!" squealed Plate.

"I'm only doing it because it's my job."

Both Ginger and Red begun to realize that the streets were unusually empty, and when they passed by a liquor store that read, "CLOSED FOR THE GAME," the allure of burglary became greater.

So they robbed that store and discovered that there were no safes.

"Not a good idea," said Ginger. "They take the money home."

Thus they poured the alcohol in a steel trashcan drum and set it in fire. Afterwards, they drove all the way up to the suburbs--the clean kind where all of the homes look alike and had white outer walls, SUVs, trucks, and Ford Mustangs galore. Despite the lights on the porch and inside the houses, Ginger knew that they were empty due to her experience in home invasion. When away, the smart homeowner would leave their lights on to throw off dumb thieves. Ginger, however, was not a dumb thief.

Ginger chose the two-story house with the Ford Explorer. The house had its lights on, and it a blue octagon sign proudly declaring its purchase of a home security service to ease off imagined fears of home invaders--particularly non-white and non-Protestant ones.

The first step in home invasion was to scope out the area for security devices. Of course, almost all types home security were always easily defeated by the likes of Ginger since they were just cheap compared to the elaborate ones the corporate buildings and mansions had. She also had to watch out for any type of neighborhood watch program, but thanks to the anti-charity and anti-sharing propaganda of pro-corporate conservative politics, people were more reluctant to help others. Then again, apathy of one's neighbor's plight arouse naturally since the birth of suburban communities.

"ADT my ass," snickered Ginger. "I can bust through their security in minutes!"

"How do you get through it Gingerbread?" Red asked.

"Easy! All I have to is get the serial ID number, upload it to my laptop, disconnect the data line between the head office and the house, and plug my laptop in to disable the system and broadcast false data back to ADT."


"Just stand and watch dumbass."


Ginger got to work, and it took about ten minutes to disable the home security only to discover that service had been cut off days ago. It was all the better anyway, so she and Red headed to the front door with their time based upon on how much battery her computer had. Ginger picked the lock while Red loaded up her FN Browning pistol with fresh bullets.

The lock became unlocked, and Ginger and Red slowly crept in only discover that the entire house was somewhat empty and messy. Ginger could tell it was robbed very recently, and that there were piles of signs indicated that it would be sold soon.

"Shit!" Ginger cursed. "Of all the houses!"

"Who goes there?" boomed a white male voice.

Ginger shook in fright. A beer-bellied man with a comb-over dressed in a t-shirt with the logo of a football team and pajama pants dove from the second floor with a metal baseball bat. He slowly advanced to the girls ready to swing.

"Get out of my house!" he cried.

"Red!" Ginger cried. "Get him!"

"Okay!" Red said.

Red dashed towards the man and performed an awesome flip kick to his face. The man fell backward and dropped his bat. Red then jumped back and double-kicked his stomach, rendering him unconscious.

"Get off my husband," said white female voice.

Red looked up towards the stairs saw a pink robed woman with a shotgun pointed at her. Beside her were two frightened children, a girl and a boy.

"We don't have anything anymore," said the mother. "Now please leave."

"Not a chance!" Ginger said when she made her appearance. "I bet you got some hidden stash you got from insurance."

"I'd advise you to put down the gun WASSFP[v] lady," said Red. "That doesn't have any bullets."

She was right. The woman dropped the gun and fell to her knees weeping.

"Now let's tie them up!" Ginger cried.

Red and Ginger stripped all of the family members naked or half-naked and wrapped them up with ropes. To add further insult to injury, they hung them upside down in the opening between the two floors.

Ginger and Red began to ransack all of the rooms, which was useless since there was absolutely nothing of value--unless one counts the organs in their crying victims. Speaking of crying, their tears and wails were irritating Ginger greatly.

"Will you stop crying?" Ginger yelled.

"Why does this have to happen to us?" wept the mother. "We've got robbed a month ago, our homeowners insurance refuse to cover our losses, and ADT haven't given our money to pay our bills. We've already sold everything and mortgaged the Explorer!"

"It's obvious that it's your fault for buying an expensive gas-guzzler. Red, kill them."

"But that's violating the first rule," said Red.

"They're killing my ears with these stupid complaints!"

"They're not killing you."

"They're killing my softly... with their fucking songs."

The two children wailed even louder.

"Fuck this," Ginger cursed.

Ginger went down to the kitchen and brought up the bag of Tootsie Pops. She opened the most repulsing flavors and stuck them into the mouths of the family members. Then she taped their mouths shut so they wouldn't spit them out.

"I want some candy!" Red cried.

"Go help yourself," said Ginger. "They've got bag loads."


Red proceeded to dump all the candy into a pillowcase and began eating them one by one. The children cried even more because of this.

Since Ginger was pissed at getting nothing, she decided to burn the family's clothes in the backyard. She also took cut up furniture and household objects to make into silly costumes that she put on to her victims. Then she used the mother's makeup and smeared them on their faces. Ginger laughed hard, but it was not enough to satisfy her greed. They couldn't steal the Ford Explorer because it was almost out of gas.

Thus they left the family hanging as they went over to the next WASSFP house across the neighborhood complex and discovered that not only it was inhabited, but robbed as well. Using Red as a strong arm, Ginger ordered her to take down the homeowners and tie them up. At the same time, Ginger burned their clothes and put on her victims hilarious costumes and makeup. Then they left taking all of the candy with them.

The process repeated itself house after house, and all of them were inhabited and robbed. The victims were thus tied in compromising, hilarious, and sometimes arousing positions, and the costumes and makeup Ginger puts on them kept on getting funnier and weirder. Ginger also broke what's left of their possessions out of sheer frustration. With every house, all they could ever steal was more candy.

It was quickly getting dark, and whatever televised football game was nearing its end. The frustrated Ginger drove recklessly, and the giant tit-like chocolate candy Red was provocatively licking annoyed her. The pimped-out yellow Yugo could not hold any more candy, so they had to steal an old Chevrolet truck from a group migrant workers while they were working on somebody's lawn. Of course, Red and Ginger also took down the workers, stripped them naked, tied them up in compromising positions, burned all their clothes, and dressed them up in leaves and branches. Then they called them Verde Hippie Vixens while driving off with their uninsured truck.

"Tumeric," Red said.

"Um, did you just call me Tumeric?" asked Ginger.

"Si señorita!"

"What do you want then?"

"This isn't working. I want to go home, have some of Mira's special cornbread, eat dinner, watch Fushigi Yugi, and go to the bathroom."

"Damn it Death Lolita. Why don't you just eat the candy right now? And pee at the side of the road?"

"I want to save it for later! Plus, watersports is gross. That's the fourth rule."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"All right fine. We'll go home after we make one more hit."

"Okay! Which house are we going to hit Tumericbread Gurl?"

"We're gonna hit that house!"

As it turned out, they were right in the in the middle of a luxury housing neighborhood, or more colloquially called the McMansion Block. The truck pulled up before a seven-room house, and Red and Ginger leapt out. They disabled the gate, and slowly crept through the driveway and maneuvered their way to the front door past the creepy-looking orgy of lawn gnomes.

Ginger quickly disabled the home security and left her laptop outside. She picked the lock and opened the castle-like front doors. Fortunately, the place had not been robbed yet.

"Jackpot!" Ginger cried.

Suddenly, Red silenced Ginger by putting her hand over her mouth. She gestured her to be quiet, and drew out her pistol. Red led the way up the stairs while Ginger followed her with frightened cautiousness. As they drew nearer to the master bedroom, they heard the whimpers of a dashing well-to-do father, a mother-I'd-like-to-fuck, and their sexy teenage daughter.

They arrived at the door to the room, and Red poked her head past the sill. She saw the father, mother, and their sexy daughter gagged, the latter of two who were gagged and crying. Red saw the shadow of a dark man, which turned out to be a man dressed in a bright blue fedora hat, and a bright blue trench coat. Strangely, his entire body, including his penis and scrotum, was wrapped in bandages, and the only thing he exposed was his eyes, nostrils, mouth, and fingertips. He was the one holding the victims hostage with a handgun.

"Are you done Black Spider?" cried the white dark man.

Black Spider (or BS) was inside the closet with his ear pressed to the door of the large safe as he slowly twisted the dial. He was black, but particularly skinny. He was dressed in a tight-fitting Spider-Man suit, the version which he was bonded by an alien symboite during the freakin' Secret Wars unnecessary crossover.

"Almost got it Dorkman," said the nerdy-sounding BS.

Dorkman groaned, but he had to put up with his codename because he lost a bar bet with BS a while back. Finally, BS popped open the safe and immediately emptied of all the documents and jewelry into a large plastic trash bag.

"Excellent," said Dorkman. "Now then, I wonder if you could tell me if you have any other hidden loot. Otherwise, I may have to take the virginity of your sexy teenage daughter."

"It's downstairs," said the father, "in the kitchen in an old box of Special K. They are the appreciated bonds for my father's business."

"Thank you very much."

Red was ready to attack, until Ginger silently pushed her to the hallway bathroom. The two hid in the shower and watched as the two costumed men headed downstairs with the recent loot in their bag.

"What are you doing?" Red asked.

"Shush!" Ginger said. "We have to wait for them to get the bonds. Then we jump them."

From outside, the two heard two vehicles pull up to the driveway. Ginger and Red stood on the toilet and looked out the small window to see two white vans. Out of those vans came out a team of four costumed burglars, dressed in the following costumes: Togaman (who looked suspiciously like John Belushi), the blonde and metrosexual Pink Aquaman, the masked and nude Thinks-He's-Invisible Boy (THIB for short), and Midget Abraham Lincoln[vi] (who was not really midget or a dwarf, but he was rather short). Those four along with Dorkman and BS were part of a special team of burglars that preyed on the suburbs in the south and could get away with their crimes due to their connections to the local police force and crime groups.

Dorkman opened the front gate, the door, and the garage for his teammates, who then immediately got to work in the theft of currently valuable items inside the house, including some lawn gnomes. Dorkman then joined up with BS in the ransacking of the kitchen.

"What's this truck doin' here?" wondered Togaman.

"I guess the migrant workers left it here," said Pink Aquaman.

"I'd say we use it for the loot."

From the vantage point in the bathroom, Red gasped.

"They're gonna get the candy!" Red cried.

"Spidercunt, stop!" Ginger yelled.

Red broke the bathroom window and started shooting at the burglars. The costumed men ducked and quickly took cover behind the vehicles and the perimeter walls.

Red then dashed out of the bathroom and sprinted all the way to the kitchen where Dorkman and BS created a mess. Dorkman had his hands in a bag of Billy Bonkura chocolate bars and was eating the candy rather noisily.

"Drop the candy you bastards!" Red cried.

Dorkman and BS put their hands up in fright. However, they were anticipating their rescue when the masked and naked THIB quietly sneaked up behind Red with a switchblade knife. Unbeknownst to him, Ginger was standing next to him. Ginger then kicked THIB in the butt, causing him to drop his knife and fall. She then turned around and started stomping on his exposed crotch repeatedly until it bled.

"TOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Togaman as he rhino-charged towards Ginger. Ginger sidestepped and put out her foot just in time to trip Togaman. Togaman fell face-forward and landed right on top of THIB. He landed in a position where his knee was applying painful pressure on THIB's penis, scrotum, etc..

Then Pink Aquaman and Midget Abe Lincoln (MAL for short) ran into the house after hearing the cries of their comrades.

"You brutes!" said Pink Aquaman. "Now you'll have to face against my powers of talking to Phish!"

Pink Aquaman made some martial arts gestures in a Bruce Lee kind of way, and then pulled out his cellphone from his underwear. He dialed and got connected to the other line.

"Trey? Is that you?" said Pink. "It's me, Bob. Yeah, I would like to join your band."

Angered at Pink Aquaman's desertion and cowardice, MAL punched Pink in the groin and caused him to collapse in metrosexual pain.

"Now you'll have to face off against me!" squeaked MAL.

Ginger suddenly picked MAL up and tossed him out of the door while screaming, "GINGER MIDGET TOSS!"

MAL was sent flying and landed headfirst into an orgy of lawn gnomes, rendering him unconscious.

"Good job Tumeric!" Red cheered.

Suddenly, Red was struck hard in the face by a day-old baguette BS threw at her. With Red temporarily dazed, Dorkman and BS made a run for it. Before Ginger could do anything, Dorkman shot Ginger--in the butt.

Ginger collapsed and screamed, "Aw, fuck! My--huh?"

Ginger stroked her ass and realized there was no pain and no bullet wound. She looked outside and saw Dorkman and BS stealing the truck she stole.

"They're getting away," said Ginger. "In our truck."

"My candy!" Red screamed. "Gimme back my candy!"

Red ran out of the house got into the driver's seat of one of the vans. Ginger got in the passenger side right when her compatriot started up the vehicle. After putting the radio on a pop station, Red floored the pedal and began her chase of the truck containing the pillowcases and trash bag loads of candy.

Ginger buckled her seatbelt and hung on to the van's interior for dear life. The blaring pop music combined Red's bad driving was not just dangerous--it was deadly and detrimental to one's health.

"How does Sis put up with you?" Ginger yelled.

Traffic was swelling out due to the end of whatever football game that was on, but this did not hinder the car chase any bit. Despite some dings and the running over of a rabid raccoon high on testosterone and catnip, Red managed to keep the van mostly in one piece. Luckily, the chase landed them in the unofficial and uncongested red light district of Nashville, where all the warehouses, drug dealers, porn video stores, and prostitutes hung out.

"They're still on our tail BS!" said Dorkman, who was seated at the passenger seat.

The driver BS gasped horrifically. Staring at the headlights of their getaway truck was a zombie-like was a famished woman in a pink-bikini. BS inadvertently hits the woman and sent her flying. The shock of the hit caused BS to swerve the truck uncontrollably into an erotic bakeshop. Likewise, Red slowly crashed the van at the rear of the truck since she was follo

Chapter 19

Title: Super-Special Number 02 - Billy Bonkura and the Confectionary Factory

Mother Güse Must Die

Super-Special Number 02 - Billy Bonkura and the Confectionary Factory

It was a slow news day in one cold morning in the factory district of Flint, Michigan. There was something going on before the tall and imposing walls of a confectionary factory. No knew what really lied behind those walls besides the factory that was built there during Flint's boom in the sixties and seventies. The tops were protected by barbwire, and there were ghostly and seemingly unoccupied watchtowers every eighth of a mile. There were a lot of security cameras on that wall, and everyday rent-a-cops from Brazil drove around in electric carts in their daily patrol. It wasn't like a factory--it was more like a top-secret research fortress rivaling that of Area 51, or more like a prison work camp like that of Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia.

"Hello, I'm Willard Thaddeus Max of Channel 96 news reporting to you live from Flint, Michigan before a large crowd where Billy Bonkura is about to open the gates to his imposing and mysterious confectionary factor for those who had found the Aluminum Ticket in their Billy Bonkura."

The real and Polynesian newscaster Willard stood in the middle of an excited group of low-income teenagers, most of who were black. As it turned out, the large crowd was an exaggeration. Though the teenagers crowded around the cameras, the area before the large and dark rusting gates of the Billy Bonkura Confectionary Factory was almost deserted. Instead, there were some unemployed onlookers with nothing better to do, the homeless, drunk vagrants, one drug dealer, a paraplegic pimp, and two crazy white men. One white man was a skinny and nerdy guy with big glasses who looked was dressed like blue-collar worker. Despite his dress, he was an attention-grabbing leftist liberal who had completely misunderstood and misrepresented what it meant to be a leftist liberal. He was holding a sign that read:

Corporations = Evil

Billy Bonkura Confectionary Factory = Corporation

Billy Bonkura Confectionary Factory = Evil

"It seems that as usual Michael Moore has made his appearance again," said Willard as he walked over to the no-so bearded activist. "So what business do you have protesting against Billy Bonkura?"

"I don't know what wrong he has done," said Moore, "but all I know that his factory is evil."

"Right you are you leftist nut. Oh, and it looks like there's another activist."

The second crazy white man was a bearded man dressed in ragged clothes. He looked and sounded suspiciously like Charlton Heston, which he was not. Willard motioned to the cameraman Zessi Marin to follow him to this man carrying a cardboard sign written with bile.

"Say there, are you Charlton Heston?" Willard asked.

"I'm Green Soybean!" replied the crazy dude.

"Whatever you say. So what brings you here?"

"I'm here to warn the world that Gobstoopers are made by people! People!"

"Don't you mean made of people?"

"Damn it. A Freudian slip."

Green Soybean dropped his sign to his knee and made the appropriate corrections with his shoe polish.

"And here comes the winners in their unreliable American or European cars," said Willard.

A giant SUV that was lowered pulled in off to the side of the factory gates. As it turned out, it was being weighed down by an obese boy named John Smith and the driver who was his obese mother, Jane Smith, both whom hailed from America's heartland of Fatexas (pronounced Fa'tehas), the state next to the not-so-fat state of Texas. The two were like gross blobs nearly bursting from the sextuple extra large clothes. They waddled from their from their SUV with their fatty skins jiggling and slapping so noisily against each other that it sounded like there was an orgy going on, except there were no sexual moans--just animal-like grunts and eating noises. Right now, they were trying out the Atkins fad diet, so they were now devouring rump roast as they headed to meet up with Willard. Thankfully, they smelled like tasty bacon instead of fat persons.

Arriving in a smaller yet European SUV was a Republican mother named Nancy Huff who was a doctor in an abortion clinic and her blonde daughter Diane Huff who thinks she was going to be next Britney Spears. The two hailed from Texas, and looked like bombshells that looked ready to suck an erect billion-dollar penis.

"It seems the child contestants consist of a whale and a floozy," remarked Willard. "I wonder when all the others will show up?"

Trudging in a pumpkin-orange Diesel Mercedes that was stolen were Becky, Mira, Ginger, the dog HLS and a very excited Red who was a Britney Spears fan but did not desire to become like her. Becky drove the Mercedes into a slow crash into a lamppost where a couple of vagrants had just finished urinating. Finally, the Diesel Mercedes gave up the ghost. The girls and their dog leapt out ready and fashionably, though they were not fashionably dressed. They were dressed as if they were ready to mug or assassinate someone, but it was hard to tell with their seemingly plain clothes and coats that concealed their weapons.

"Finally, our financial troubles will be over!" Becky cried out.

"Finally, I can rule the world!" Ginger cried out.

"Finally, I can have all the candy I want!" Red cried out.

"Arf!" cried HLS.

"Finally, I can, um, make Ginger mine!" Mira cried out. "I hope."

"Did you say something?" Ginger asked.

"Nothing! I didn't say anything!"

"Then don't just stand there! Let's get in front of the other losers!"

"Like, who the hell are you calling a loser?" said Diane Huff.

"Like, who the hell let this floozy in?"

"Aren't you too old to be qualified for the contest?"

"Of course I am!" Ginger sidestepped and grabbed a Red's shoulders. "I'm her lawyer. I mean, when there is a prize that is waiting for us, you can never be too prepared."

"I'll vouch for that," grinned Diane's mother, Nancy Huff.

"Aren't you too young to be a lawyer?" Diane asked Ginger.

"Look you little brat," growled Ginger. "Do you want to get sued?"

"Why you..."

"Ignore her dear," said Nancy. "Her behavior and presence alone will make us look better in Bonkura's eyes."

"And we can get the cash prize."

"Speaking of which," interrupted Willard as he spoke to his microphone and to the camera, "I should remind you viewers that five Aluminum Tickets were hidden in every Billy Bonkura Chocolate Bar that was shipped all over the world--or least in the 'white' countries like the United States, Germany, and England. The children who receive these tickets are allowed to bring their parents and an optional lawyer in their free tour of this creepy confectionary factory filled with whatever underpaid immigrant laborers. After the tour, Billy Bonkura will select one child out of the five to be the winner of the 555,551 dollars cash prize. Although, I see that there are only three children. I heard that the contestants have arrived from Germany and England. What could be taking them so long?"

"I wonder," Ginger grinned evilly.

It seemed that Becky and Ginger had thought of the same plan to heighten their chances to attain the cash prize. An hour or so before, Becky and the girls had sent a death threat to the child from Germany by leaving a dead skunk in his bed. They also swayed the spoiled rich girl from England from arriving at the front gates of the factory by sending revealing photos to her rich father of him having sex with his babysitter.

And to make doubly sure that those contestants would not arrive, Becky and girls sabotaged all taxi and bus operations, leaked gas around their hotels, and caused massive traffic incidents around Flint. This may also explain why not many spectators or news crews were able to get to the front gates of the confectionary factory.

"I guess it's just us three groups," grinned Becky.

Finally, the hour and minute came. The clock struck 10:10 AM. The solid metal gates slowly whirred and opened with agitating screeching or quasi-rusted hinges, gears, and joints. Everyone covered their ears and stood watching with errant anticipation. After a couple of excruciating minutes, the gates were swung full open. Before them was a pimp-like white American with a lavender top hat, diamond encrusted glasses, and a cane. Suddenly, two spotlights were shone him. Then rap music began booming from the bass-heavy speakers from the two watchtowers nearest to the gate. The strobe lights then appeared over him. The man started break dancing and grabbed his crotch and butt at every money shot. The two other contestant children had their eyes covered by their mothers. The man's provocative dance moves were the least offensive to Becky and her group's eyes. It was the awful music that was sung by a white rapper.

Fortunately, it only lasted two minutes when the music and lights abruptly cut off. When he stopped dancing, the man had his legs up in the air with his crotch splayed before everyone's eyes. He looked around quizzically on why the music and the lights had stopped.

"That's enough," said a serious man, off screen. Appearing from the side was a male WASP who looked like he could be in the Democrat party. He almost looked like Al Gore for some odd reason--squarish and probably had a small penis.

"We can only afford two minutes of that song," he continued, "and for God's sake brother, get out of that position."

"Just as I was getting to the good part," sighed the pimp whitey.

The pimp-like man leapt from the ground and landed whimsically on what was revealed to be an old red carpet he purchased from Hollywood third-hand.

"That was disgusting!" belched Jane Smith.

"That song was disgusting," said Becky.

"Ara?" said the pimp man. "It seems that there is only three of you."

"The other two contestants called in," said the Democrat-looking fellow. "They said they could not make it."

"Is that so?"

"They sounded like they were threatened. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to publicly reveal the winners."

"We can't back at now can we?

"Why else have we spent almost the rest of our funds?"

"Well anyway..."

The pimp-man spun on his right foot and bowed before the contestants.

"Allow me to introduce myself," he said. "I am the super-heretical hyper-disorderly and ultra-slammin' Billy Bonkura; the man who runs this awesome confectionary factory you see here."

"And I'm his brother, Gerald Bonkura," said the square in the suit. "The CFO."

"Is it possible that I can get a tour?" asked Willard.

"Do you have a Aluminum Ticket?"

"Or how about a small glimpse? An interview maybe? There are so many questions I'd like to ask Billy Bonkura on behalf of all the viewers in Michigan..."

"There will be none of that. If you'll excuse us, the tour has to start."

Gerald looked down and noticed HLS looking up at him with glassy eyes. He also noticed the prosthetic nose hanging off her collar. That reminded of a song...

...but he could not think of its lyrics at that moment.

"Whose dog is this?" he asked.

"Ours," said Becky.

"I want HLS to come along!" Red cried.

"This dog cannot come. No pets are allowed."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Ginger asked. "We've got two dumb red elephants and two malnourished blue elephants beside us!"

"Hey," muttered Diane.

"You'll have to leave the dog outside," said Gerald.

"No!" Red cried. "She'll miss out on the chocolate!"

"HLS will be fine," said Becky.

So Becky tied HLS to a pole where Green Soybean stood by. He looked down at the female Doberman Pincher and smiled.

"Watch her, all right?" Becky said to Green Soybean.

"Of course," said Green. "At least I can talk to someone on where dog food came from."

HLS rolled her eyes. She then lay down on the ground and closed her eyes as Green began to chatter away.

Gerald hastily motioned the contestants to get inside the perimeter of the factory grounds before Willard's cameraman could sneak a shot of the interior. In no time, the towering gate doors slammed before everyone's faces. Gerald pulled out his walkie-talkie and mumbled something about securing the perimeter. Holstering his communication device to his side, he wiped his brow and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Shall we?" smiled Billy.

As it turned out, Billy led everyone in a march down the red carpet that was surrounded by barbwire electrical fencing. Becky and the girls looked to their sides that this was just a typical power-hungry corporation bent on achieving profit and a new world order through its products and services. Billy had his own fleet of trucks bearing his "BB" logo, but they looked like military convoy trucks. He even had a couple of armored trucks, a bullet-resistant limousine, and a couple of true Hummers. There were security cameras and spotlights shining on the grounds. So far, everyone had not seen a single soul who worked in this factory other than Billy and his brother Gerald.

They entered through the shell-resistant metal doors and ended up in the metal detection room--which was also the waiting room and the coatroom. In that same room was a wall full of box-shaped lockers stacked upon another in a six by nine grid. Those lockers were the coin-op type.

"Security reasons," said Gerald. "Just pass through these metal detectors, and..."

Red was the first to go, followed by John, who had to squeeze himself in, and then Diane. The sirens blared.

"Hold it!" Billy cried as he thrust his cane in front of Red.

Billy suggestively stroked his cane down Red's side. This was inciting Becky's anger as she prepared to take him down with one of her throwing knives. Then in one downward thrust, Billy detached one of Red's pistols onto the ground. Becky froze and narrowed her eyes at Billy. He was more perceptive than she thought.

"Little girls should not play with guns," said Billy.

"It's for protection," said Becky, recovering her cool. "We had to go through the ghetto you know."

"The second amendment said so!" Ginger added.

"I guess you're right," said Billy. "I won't turn you in, but all of you will have to leave your weapons behind. Also, no silverware, keys, pocketknives, plastic utensils, computing devices, credit cards, coins, paper, food items, and any type of glass are allowed. Including glasses and medical devices."

"Fuck, the things we do to get the cash prize," said Ginger as she took off her glasses. To Mira's eyes, the glasses-less Ginger looked so cute and sexy that it made her wet, despite the fact she had seen Ginger without glasses numerous times.

"Oh, and you have to leave your shoes behind as well and wear the factory slippers."

"For sanitary reasons," said Gerald.

"If you need change for the lockers, I'll be happy to lend you some."

"They must really think ahead," Mira said to her companions.

"And what about you two?" Nancy asked Billy and Gerald. "Shouldn't you set an example by leaving your dangerous and dirty items behind."

"I guess you are right," said Billy. "But," he said gesturing with his index finger up in the air, "I have to keep my hat."


"Hair loss. I'm still getting shy about it."

It was quite surprising the amount of dangerous everyday items people had on their person. In addition to their coats, cloaks, and shoes, Becky and the girls had to leave behind almost all of their belongings in the coin-op lockers, and that included their dangerous weapons of swords, knives, guns, syringe bullets, grenades, and Ginger's laptop computer and Palm Pilot. More surprising was that Nancy and Diane Huff had on them dagger-like nail files and two revolver pistols each. And even more surprising was that Jane and John Smith and an entire dining set stuck underneath their blubber skins. Less surprising was Billy and Gerald's belongings, which were normal as they could be.

With everything in order, everyone were allowed to proceed down to the narrow hallway that seemed to be getting narrower and smaller--at least in the Smith's case.

"Why is this place getting smaller?" Jane Smith asked.

"That's because you're getting fatter," said Ginger, "but yeah, this place is getting smaller."

"That's because you're nearsighted," said Becky.

"Actually, we just remodeled," Gerald said, "but the construction workers got the measurements wrong."

"But it makes this place seem like a funhouse!" Billy cried out.

"This wouldn't have happened if you hired American contractors instead of French ones. The French use the metric system."

Billy was oblivious to the shrinking hallway, and caused Gerald to sigh deeply once again at his brother's kookyness. Billy somehow reminded Becky of Gene Duo Biggs, but she was less white, less male, and less disgusting.

Finally they reached the end of the hallway and stood before a door half their size.

"We have to fit through there?" asked John Smith.

"With great effort and a friggn' shoehorn you can," said Ginger.

"I suppose this is part of the test of the contest," said Diane.

"What test?" Billy asked. "Anyway, I'll open the door and..."

Becky karate-kicked the door down that then took out the entire wall. Soon the entire hallway collapsed around them to reveal a wide-open and empty warehouse interior and the real door to the factory.

"Sorry about that," smiled Billy. "I didn't have a proper reception hall ready for you guys."

Without further ado, Billy threw open the doors to reveal a colorful Eden-like garden interior. The grass was bright and minty, the bushes had gumdrop berries, and the trees had caramel apples growing from the branches.

"Welcome to my factory!" cried Billy. "Here is the prototype of our edible garden."

Suddenly they heard crunching noises. Red threw up pieces of the caramel apple, while John was on the ground eat the grass like a cow.

"This apple doesn't taste like apple!" Red cried.

"I said that this was a prototype!" cried Billy. "Everything you see here is just toxic plastic and turf."

"I want some candy now!"

But the fat kid kept on eating. He desperately needed something to fill his perpetually growling stomach.

"What's that over there?" Mira asked as she pointed over to the indoor river system.

Everyone turned their heads and saw a brown river that had a fragrant smell. One end began from the waterfall falling from the ceiling, and the other led to a dark tunnel.

"I guess that must be the chocolate river," said Becky.

"How cool!" Red cried.

"Yes, and no," said Billy. "It was supposed to be where we process the chocolate through waterfall compression, but our septic tank broke and leaked into the system. To cover up the smell, we had make creative use of our ventilation system and pump a perfume agent into the air."

"And what are those disgusting things?" Diane pointed.

All their eyes were turned to a beer-bellied midget fitted into a too-revealing leotard. He had women's makeup make-up on and his dark afro hair were glossed was twice the size of his head. The one Diane pointed at was haggard, tired, and was hauling a large filled bucket on his back. Suddenly more of these creatures appeared, and they happened to be clean-up duty.

"Oh those creatures," said Billy. "They are the Goomba-Moombas hailing from the land of Shumi hidden underneath the glaciers of Greenland. They are very hard workers who will do anything for a buck since the economy of Shumi had been hit through hard times."

"That's what we'd tell the kids for future factory tours," spoke Gerald from aside. "They're actually gay Swedish midgets. There's a whole lot of them in Sweden."

"Whatever you say brother."

"And at every hour, they Goomba-Moombas will sing and dance for the tourists."

"We're still trying to get the Goomba-Moomba trademark registered, so the name's not yet finalized."

"What time is it now?" Jane asked.

"Well, it's only 10:30," said Billy, "but I suppose I can get them to sing for you guys."

Billy glared at the Goomba-Moombas, and yelled out, "HEY! GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR!"

"Hey a-hole," spoke Goomba-Moomba No.1, who sounded like he was from Brooklyn, "that wasn't part of our union contract."

"Shut-up! You are not supposed to speak, and you guys are from Sweden or Shumi--or whatever."

Goomba-Moomba No. 1 grumbled and motioned his other dwarf brethren to set up for the sing and dance spiel.

"Um, brother," spoke Gerald, "I think we really do have to follow the contract we gave them. The Labor Union is not an entity you want to mess with."

"Hush now baby Gerald," said Billy, "all union contracts are detrimental to creating the perfect product."

"John!" cried Jane. "Don't you dare drink the water!"

"But I'm going to the bathroom!" said John, who was waddling his way down the hill to the sweet-smelling yet disgusting brown river.

"The bathroom is at the corner over there," said Gerald.

"How you can say that about him?" Jane asked. "My little John will have a heart attack if he walks more than one mile. Could you please let him go in the river?"

"All right fine. Just this once."

Jane blinked girlishly and smiled. He gave a smacking kiss to Gerald and left a stain of tomato, chocolate, and barbeque sauce on his cheek.

John pulled down his pants and stooped over by the river. Seeing this, Ginger thought of a plan to get rid of him.

"Hey John-John!" she cried out. "There's a sauerkraut stuck in the fat-fold two inches above your butt crack!"

"A sauerkraut?" John cried. "I've got to eat it!"

In his confusion in trying to reach his back with his blubbery arms, John lost balance and fell into the brown river. Jane screamed, and started shaking Gerald to go after them.

"Why don't your Goomba-Moombas get him?" Jane yelled.

"It's not part of their contract to swim," gasped Gerald. "They're not professionally trained divers."

"Why don't you go after your son fat-mama?" Ginger asked. "Or is that that you cannot swim?"

"Well, I was a champion swimmer before I had my little John," said Jane. "And I haven't done much swimming after I got divorced from my first husband."

"Now is a good time to waddle like a whale. Off you go!"

From the top of the hill, Ginger pushed Jane of balance and caused her to roll like a giant boulder into the brown water. The impact splash created a powerful explosion of raining brown water that everyone had to take cover under the licorice gazebo to prevent themselves and their clothes from staining.

Ginger relished at the mother and son's suffering with a discrete and evil smile. He looked to Becky, Red, and Mira who looked disappointed. Then discretely, they all gave her a thumbs-up with a bright grin.

"Oh my God," gasped Nancy Huff. "Will those two be all right?"

"Just as long as they don't sink," winced Billy.

"You do have some kind of suction pipe system to gather the chocolate, right?" asked Diane.

"Um, it's not functioning at the moment," said Gerald.

"So where does the river lead to?" Mira asked.

"A chocolate collecting pool," said Billy.

"Which is also not functioning at the moment," said Gerald.

"If they were to be swept away, they should get stuck into some pipes... eventually."

Everyone watched Billy twiddle his fingers for a couple of silent seconds.

"I'll call the divers," said Gerald.

"Yeah, you do that," said Billy.

Gerald parted from the party and disappeared into the thicket of the candy garden.

"Oh, look," said Billy. "The Goomba-Moombas are about to do their show. Finally."

A troupe of ten Goomba-Moombas dressed up like the village people showed up before everyone in the clearing before the licorice gazebo. Goomba-Moomba No. 1 was dressed as sleeveless construction worker, and was carrying in his arms a big boombox that looked like a bozooka (or the whitey's ghetto blaster as Ginger would call it). He set it down and then pressed play on the tape deck portion. The Goomba-Moombas lined up to their positions as the techno music that would be played in gay nightclubs started up. Then they started singing in terrible voices:

Goomba, Moomba...

The music was abruptly cut off when Ginger kicked the boombox into the brown river. The Goomba-Moomba's felt relieved that they won't have to sing and dance and looked to Ginger for a thankful expression. Ginger, however, glared at them with malice. She simply did not like the way these short people looked at her. One by one, Ginger overpowered the Goomba-Moombas and tossed them into the brown river where they were swept away from everyone's eyes.

"Thank you," clapped Nancy. "I didn't want my daughter to be exposed to such awful homoeroticism."

"Of course," said Diane. "I am an impressionable teeny bopper."

Ginger was itching to throw those Liberal Republicans in the river as well, but she had to save it for later based on the expression of her teammates. Besides, she didn't have enough strength to throw regular people.

"You didn't have to do that," said Billy. "But alas, the tour must go on. Come! Let's get on the boat!"

"What boat?" Mira asked.

"It should be coming up in a couple of minutes."

They heard a roar of hacking gasoline engine of a marine vehicle. Pulling out in reverse from the dark tunnel of the brown river was gaudy and campy yacht decorated with swirling wheels and a fading canopy. At the helm was a cigarette-smoking midget Joe C (born Joseph Calleja) of the Kid Rock fame. There was also a band chained to the deck headed by none other than Marilyn Manson dressed femininely in bondage outfits.

"Oh God, why is that man there?" asked Nancy.

"For the boat show," said Billy. "You don't approve?"

"I do approve! My daughter and I are fans of his!"

"Typical of Liberal Republicans," smirked Becky. Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Once on the yacht, Nancy and Diane tried to get an autograph from Marilyn Manson but it turned out that no one had any paper or pens, and those items were not allowed in the factory tour. The soft-spoken and gentle Marilyn promised to give them an autographed photo at the end of the tour.

"Marilyn!" Becky waved. "What are you doing here?"

"We have a contract with Billy Bonkura," replied Marilyn.

"So the bondage thing is part the act, right?"

"Like hell! We're chained here so we can't escape!"

Billy glared back at the band.

"W-we're just kidding," Marilyn smiled uneasily. "So, which song do you want to be played Rebecca?"

"Have them play 'The Dope Show'!" Diane cried out.

"The Dope Show it is," grinned Becky.

Everyone settled to sit on his or her benches. The yacht started up again and began going into the dark tunnel that illuminated in neon colors midway. The ride was rocky, but not once did Marilyn Manson and his bandmates falter in their playing.

The ride lasted as long as the song, and it was nice change from whatever the Goomba-Moombas were about to play. They floated for a while in the middle of the great pool inside a gargantuan spherical chamber. They heard some screams. Everyone looked over the side of the boat and saw the obese Jane and John Smith floating by as well as the Goomba-Moombas Ginger threw into the brown river. After waving goodbye to them, the boat docked before the bullet-resistant transparent doors to the R&D labs.

Before entering into the lab itself, they had to go through disinfecting chamber to remove any traces of bad odor, loose lint, hair, and skin flakes. After that process was finished, they finally got in.

The lab was dark and dangerous, and it was filled with all kinds of hideous vials, beakers, and glass box workstations for hazardous materials. They could hear cutting and grinding, but none of them could see any of the tools that made those noises. There was a strangely satisfying burning smell that was akin to that of gasoline or glue. The lab was staffed by more afro-headed Goomba-Moombas in oversized lab coats. Since the lab was built for people of normal height, the Goomba had to rely on footstools, heightened walkways, and grabbing arms.

"Now this is our lab R&D lab where we pump all sorts of new candy on a quarterly basis," started Billy.

Something shattered behind them. They all turned around and saw Red standing next to a broken and flaming beaker.

"Sorry," Red smiled.

"Look, for now on don't touch anything," said Billy. "Anyway, follow me as I show you our latest developments."

As everyone walked, Red, Ginger, and Diane lingered at the back shoulder-to-shoulder looking around.

Something caught their eye on the right. They saw a glass case with twelve individual compartments of equal sized. They looked empty, but upon closer inspection they saw balls of Gobstoopers of many colors in their own compartment. The three girls parted from the group and looked around to see if anyone would notice them.

"I read in the internet that Billy Bonkura is making candy with medicinal value," said Ginger. "Imagine, I can get high and suck on this ball if they put hemp inside of it."

"You can't believe everything you read on the Internet," said Diane.

"I want some candy," Red drooled.

"We're supposed to be here for the cash prize," said Ginger. "Although we can steal one and have Mira dissect it for the formula. Then we can get rich off making imitations through by using my factory connections in China."

"Stealing is wrong," said Diane. "God said so."

"I guess it is wrong to steal from Mother Nature, eh?"

"God allows us to do whatever we want with this planet. He said so in the Bible."

"It is also wrong for white Anglo-Saxon Protestants to plunder from third world countries."

"Hey, you're white too."

"True, but I'm not a Protestant Christian."

"Then what are you then?"

"Anyway, I'm not too worried about the thievery. I'm not going to do it."

"You made the right decision," smiled Diane.

"You're going to do it."


"If you don't steal one of those Gobstoopers, then I'll call you Lillycunt for the rest of your life."

"You said the same thing to me back at the airport," said Red.


"Then I'll knock you out for calling me names," said Diane. "I am, after all, a second-degree black belt."

"Have you killed a person?"


Ginger put her hands on Red's shoulders and pulled her before Diane's eyes.

"My friend here has," said Ginger.

"You're lying," said Diane.

"No it's true. Red, how did you kill that man at the hotel?"

"I rammed a sharpened pipe through his anus," Red replied with an innocent smile.

"And it came right through his gut! It was so hilarious!"

"I think you're lying," said Diane.

Red smiled even wider. Diane looked deep into her eyes and realized the full extent of Red's ability to kill with whatever that is given to her.

"Lillycunt," Ginger said. "I'm waiting."

"Damn you to hell," grumbled Diane.

Diane turned to the glass case began her selection of a Gobstooper. She took out the plain white one from its compartment.

All of a sudden, a Goomba-Moomba dressed in crimson-stained lab coat walked passed them while looking at a clipboard. Startled, Diane puts the white Gobstooper in her mouth in an effort to hide it. Sensing some suspicion, the Goomba-Moomba stopped and stared at the girls. The girls froze, but they smiled back at him. The Goomba-Moomba smiled back with a nod, and resumed walking past them.

"By Goddess, I hate those things," said Ginger. "I just want to toss them in the river again!"

Diane suddenly collapsed. Red and Ginger stared at girl's unconscious body deliberating on whether to leave her on the floor, molest her, take her clothes, harvest her kidneys, or do some other unspeakable things. The thought of helping her did not pass their minds.

Not far, Billy had just finished presentation on how he was going to create a hard candy with the highest alcohol content in the world. Becky was salivating at the idea and begged Billy to send her some samples.

"In due time," said Billy. "By then we would have already come up with a sobering Gobstooper that won't give you any hangover effects. Speaking of which, I think we passed by some samples. Can't believe I forgot about them! This way now ladies."

Right when they turned around, Nancy screamed. She ran off to cradle her unmoving daughter.

"Diane!" she screamed. "Diane! Diane!" Then she gasped. "She's turning blue!"

With some knowledge of medicine within her, Mira bent over to check Diane's pulse on her wrist, and then on her neck.

"She's not breathing," said Mira. "The pulse is going out. Her heart stopped."

"Oh my," said Billy. "I guess the young girl sucked on my tranquilizer Gobstooper. It isn't perfected yet. It's too strong."

"Diane!" cried Nancy.

Nancy pushed Mira away and started pumping her chest with her palms. Then she took a deep breath and gave her daughter a breath of life, sans tongue. The process repeated many times until Becky and her group became disinterested and walked away from the scene.

"So what's this beer mint you guys were talking about again?" Ginger started.

Billy summoned Goomba-Moomba No. 10 to his side and ordered him to gather some helpers for the transfer of Diane to the infirmary. No. 10 saluted and ran off. He came back with four more Goomba-Moombas carrying a stretcher. The blue and unconscious Diane was put onto it and was whisked away. Goomba-Moomba No. 10 took the distressed hand of Nancy and escorted her off.

Billy walked back to Becky and her group.

"Despite some unfortunate circumstances happening around here, we must continue the tour," said Billy. "We are only halfway done."

"Fuck the tour!" Ginger cried. "Give us the money!"

"Give me some candy booze!" Becky yelled.

"Give me some candy!" Red cried.

"Um, I think I'm set," said Mira as her eyes and body drew closer to Ginger.

"We're obviously the remaining contestant group due to others not showing up, breaking your rules, or failing the trials," said Becky.

"What trials?" Billy asked.

"Look, we don't have time. Could you just give us the money?"

"My, aren't you an impatient bunch." Billy took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "All right, I will give you the money. Please wait for me in the cafeteria. The exit is that corner over there. Just the follow the signs."

"Will there be complementary candy there?" Red asked.

Billy chuckled. "Of course not. I don't even give my own employees free samples."

As if her ghost left her, Red gasped and tears trickled from her eyes. Mira and Ginger grabbed each of her arms from the sides and walked her to the exit that led to the cafeteria.

"Let's go," said Mira. "We'll get some candy once we get out of this factory."

"Please enjoy tofu tacos!" Billy waved.

He waved and waved until Becky and the girls exited through the doorway. The hallway there were in was plain and somewhat industrial. They followed the signs just as Billy said made it to the plain-looking cafeteria that looked as if was meant for a nursing home. Ginger and Mira sat the dazed Red down, and joined up with Becky to order their food. Though most of the dishes contained traces of sugar, it was not enough to sate Red's sweet tooth. The only thing that was remotely sweet they could get her were a cup of Pepsi One, an Equal packet of substitute sugar, and small apple.

"I sure hope HLS is doing fine with that Green Soybean guy," said Mira.

"I hope so too," said Becky. "He needs to do some fact checking before he could make wild claims that Japanese radishes are fertilized by the feces of Japanese schoolgirls."

"Of course, we all know that that they use the feces of Japanese Otakus."

Red did not initially eat her meal, which consisted of two Tofu Tacos, the cup of Pepsi one, the small apple, and the Equal imitation sugar packet. Eventually she took two or three bites of each, and sipped from her cup.

"Sweet enough?" Ginger asked.

"It's still not candy," said Red. "Candy is something that you have to chew and suck, like Grandma's labia and nipples. Besides, I hate Pepsi One."

"I'll agree to that."

Ginger picked up the filled cup of Pepsi One and tossed into the path of a Goomba-Moomba of the transvestite division. The Goomba-Mooba got mad and nearly went over to beat Ginger. However, Ginger overpowered him and then tossed him and all of the other Goomba-Moombas in the cafeteria into every trashcan, oven, garbage chute, and laundry chute.

"I can't wait," wept Red. "I want candy."

"I want booze you know,'" said Becky, "but Red-chan, you can't let such dissatisfactions get you down."

Red wailed even louder. Everyone else sighed and remained silent for a little longer. Then suddenly, Ginger's face lit up with a bright idea.

"What is it Ginger?" Mira asked.

"Red and I are gonna go to the bathroom!" Ginger replied.

"Can I come too?"


The answer was too curt to handle for Mira's heart. She suddenly became dizzy and half-fainted on Becky's shoulder.

"You have to go that badly?" Becky asked.

"Sure!" Ginger said. Immediately after she winked, and Becky picked up on her plan.

"Okay then," Becky smiled. "Just don't get caught."

"We won't! Come on Red!"

Ginger pulled Red off her seat and led her out of the cafeteria. Just as they had said, the two went into the bathroom together just like all other girls their age. They never came out.

With arms folded valiantly, Billy Boknura stood at the very edge of the bow of his yacht as it carried him to his destination from the giant dome pool. The grumbling band of Marilyn Manson sat on the floor smoking and playing the latest Satan-approved fad (as defined by the Christian Right, the religious right, whiny nerds on the internet, or whatever), the card version of PokÇmon.

The yacht went straight down a narrow tunnel where ahead of Billy was a concrete-covered dead end. But the dead end suddenly opened and went into a boxy lead-shielded chamber. The yacht slowed to stop, allowing Billy to leap off his bow and land on the docks on the starboard side.

"Can we get some drinks?" asked the androgynous Twiggy, a Marilyn Manson band member. "Or maybe go to the bathroom."

Billy ignored their requests as that would entail unchaining the band, and he would not allow that. He trotted away from them and stood before a titanium-reinforced double-door. He quick-punched the pass code on the key panel. The doors unlocked and slid open on its railing. Billy stepped in. He turned left in the white hallways entered a dark room.

A flash of light revealed that he was in the real R&D room, to which the one he gave the tour to Becky was a fake. As the doors closed behind him, Billy walked towards clean and white room. Mysteriously, his cane floated right to his hand.

"Thank you Matilde," he said, turn his head towards his right. Behind a lab table was dark-haired genius young woman standing up from a polite bow. She puts back on her glasses and resumed reading one of her books.

There was a table in the corner where metallic arms suspended a large and bulbous peach. The large peach was still attached to its tree vine, and that tree was right next to it withering and crooking. There other peaches, but they were all small, wrinkled, grossly discolored, and being eaten out by a peaceful group of ants and worms.

Sensing Billy's presence, a lanky red-haired young man emerged from behind the large peach. There was a spider on his shoulder, but it scurried away and hid itself from Billy's eyes along with centipedes, grasshoppers, ladybugs, and other spiders.

"Greetings Mister Bonkura," smiled the young man. He spoke with a British accent.

"Hello Jimmy Heathrow," greeted Billy. "Has Chuck Buck calmed down?"

"He has." The two men walked over to the far corner where there was a cage. Inside of it was blonde male teenager with torn clothes sleeping peacefully. There were stains on his hands and mouth, probably chocolate or maybe blood.

"Such a pity," said Jimmy. "I guess living with four obese and bedridden grandparents and a prostitute mother must have driven him feral. He used to be such a good kid with a kind heart."

"What of the other contestants and their parents?" asked Billy.

"Jane Smith and his son John have been rendered unconscious by my bugs. I've also taken the liberty of knocking out Nancy Huff as a precaution. We're working fast to bring Diane Huff back to speed."

As if she was sitting on an invisible chair, Matilde Woodworth puts away her book and floated to Billy's side.

"So what brings you here to this lab?" asked Matilde, who also spoke with a British accent.

"If you're worried about the application of Incrack to the candies, then there is no need to worry," said Jimmy. "It's all going smoothly. We're expecting to go in full production with modified confections this coming Monday."

"Unless it's something altogether different."

"I just need to be here just in case things go awry," said Billy.

"And that is?"

"Where is my brother?"

"I'll bring him in over."

Matilde landed on her feet. Shooting her right hand out, the door at the other corner of the lab swung open. Gerald flew out from the bathroom fumbling to pull up his boxers and his slacks back over his waist. Right as he buckled his belt, Matilde settled him down before Billy.

"I wasn't finished," said Gerald.

"Brother," said Billy, "the winners of the contest want their money now. Do we have enough to fulfill the minimum payment?"

"Absolutely not! We only have five hundred and fifty-one dollars!"

"What happened to our money? I could have sworn we had more."

"We wasted five hundred on the diving services. Let's not forget the fees we owe to the RIAA for using that song! Not to mention the maintenance costs to get the Incrack processing chamber up and running."

Furious, Billy whacked his brother with his cane. He took a deep breath and let out a deep sigh. Then he trotted over with his cane tapping the ground at each step towards the double-doors at the right of the lab.

He entered through the industrial Incrack processing chamber; a giant place filled with rows of big and sealed cauldrons full of the material over a giant segmented pools candied goop. There wasn't a floor so to speak, but rather there was a grid of catwalks running along the edge of the walls and bordering each cauldron section. Each cauldron received the powdered form of Incrack so it could compress it and bond chemically to a convincing sugar substitute. The liquid then ran down the pipes and to the main tank where it could be distributed to all the candy assembly chambers all over the factory. Gerald, Jimmy, and Matilde followed him hastily.

"I do not like the look of those girls," said Billy.

"Then you shouldn't have allowed them in," said Gerald.

"I cannot cause a panic just because of that. Our factory's image is on the line."

"And you decided to apply a drug in all our candies?"

Billy pressed a hidden switch in his cane. A short dagger-blade popped out at the end. He swung it at Gerald's neck and stopped right before the skin. Gerald could not move because Matilde was using her telekinetic powers to plant him in the spot.

"Do you remember why we are here?" Billy asked. "Do you want to stain the memories of our parents?"

"No I don't," gasped Gerald. "But..."

"But what? We already know that all major candy manufactures are allowed to apply an addictive substance just like the fast food industry and the American cigarette manufacturers. Now were going to fight fire with fire, and our candies will be more addictive than the illegal drugs of Colombia! For too long they ruled the candy cartel with ruthless abandon! Hell, they would even steal secrets from each other, and use overseas factories to produce cheap imitations with slave labor. What they fear the most is proper candy that is made with natural ingredients and with love of heart. They were so afraid of our parents succeeding that they murdered them! I aim to ruin Nestle, Mars, Godiva, and the rest of their lot!"

"But Incrack still haven't been properly tested!"

"The Goomba-Moombas don't count?"

"They're not Goomba-Moombas, they're not from Sweden, and they're not all gay."

Billy retracted his blade back into the cane, and then struck the floor with it as he set it down.

"Very well," he said. "I'll just use the contestants as test subjects. I've already got a wide range of samples from the fasto Smiths and the Liberal Republicans."

Gerald narrowed his eyes. "You've gone mad," said he. "I only helped you because you're my brother, but this has to stop! Father and mother won't forgive us for the crimes we are about to commit. You're the one who is staining their memories!"

With the decorative handle end of his cane, Billy struck his brother in the stomach. Matilde released her powers so she could allow him to fall to his knees.

"Have Chuck Buck unchained and uncaged," Billy said to Jimmy and Matilde. "We going have to drag the winners to the labs."

"Hold on sir," said Jimmy.

A fly suddenly landed on the edge of Jimmy's ear and began speaking to it.

"I think we might have a problem," he said.

It wasn't as if Red and Ginger didn't come out of the restroom because they were having sex, though the possibility would stress Mira a lot. Of course, she wouldn't mind joining in to form a threesome. Red and Ginger did not come back to the cafeteria because they were squeezing their way through the air ducts. However, they got lost, and going back was not an option since it was a tight fit. Where they emerged was a big surprise.

They fell through the ceiling grate and landed on the catwalk overlooking the Incrack processing chamber from high above. Red and Ginger looked down and saw the multitudes of plastic pipes running to each imposing spherical cauldron.

"Whoa, this is cool," said Ginger. "It's like chemical weapons plant."

"Is this where they make the candy?" Red asked.

"No shit. We're in a fucking confectionary factory."

They could do nothing but walk alongside the catwalk and look down at the processing chamber. They accelerated their pace when got bored and then searched for some type of exit. Red and Ginger suddenly stopped when they saw Matilde and Jimmy listening to intense conversation between the Bonkura brothers.

"Hey it's Mister Bonkura!" Red cried.

Ginger covered Red's mouth and pulled her to the floor.

"Shush!" Ginger cried. "They're talking secret things!"

Both were expert lip readers and listened to the conversation that was written, oh, a bunch paragraphs before this. Upon hearing of Billy's diabolical plan, a wide smile stretched across Ginger's face.

"Amazing!" said Ginger. "I can't believe they are doing that. I should be the one who sells this Incrack-based candy!"

Red pulled Ginger's hand off their face and looked back to her comrade.

"And I can have all the candy I want?" Red asked.

"Non, non," said Ginger. "We're going to sell it to buy the best ones from Switzerland. You like Swiss chocolates, don't you?"

"Of course! Grandma says that Swiss virgins can lactate all kinds of chocolates from their nipples!"

"I wonder if the glass slipper fragments are really your brain. Anyway, we got to find a way to steal the formula or at least a sample."

Something prickled Ginger's neck. She reached over to touch it, and then heard the buzz of an insect. Annoyed, she tried to swat it, but instead she slaps Red in the face.

"Did you get the fly?" Red asked.

"No I didn't."

Just for kicks, Ginger repeatedly slapped Red. The fly was long gone already.

With the slapping sonata finished, Red and Ginger reached a wall and climbed into another ventilation shaft. They crawled and crawled until by chance they reached the cafeteria. From their vantage point, they saw past the grate Becky fanning a dazed and dizzy Mira with a plastic dinner tray.

"Time to give them the surprise drop," Ginger said.

Becky already knew that they were in the ceiling. Right when Red and Ginger fell through, Becky stepped away to avoid the crash. Red lay sprawled in the yellow-tiled floor, and Ginger landed butt-first onto Mira's face.

"Aw, fuck!" Ginger yelled. "My butt!"

Mira became wet when she heard her favorite phrase. Now she was flaying her limbs up and down struggling to breathe. Yet, she was also happy that Ginger's butt was on her face once again. Being evil as usual, Ginger decided to remain on Mira's face until she nearly suffocated.

"Did you find something interesting?" Becky asked.

"We found the place where they made the candy!" Red answered enthusiastically.

"Um, yeah. Sure you did. We're in a candy factory."

"Confectionary factory Grandma. Confectionary factory."

"Guess what Sis?" Ginger said. "We discovered that Billy is applying an addictive substance to his candy substance! It's called Incrack!"

"Did they register that trademark?" Becky asked.

"I'm not sure, but if it isn't, we'll use it to make our own candy! All we need to do is steal the formula or a sample."

Becky lifted Ginger up and pinched her butt, causing her to yell out her usual expletive again. Mira sat back up gasping for air.

"We'll do that later!" Becky said. "First off, we have to get the money to pay off the debts."

"But why can't we do it now?" whined Ginger.

"Because we don't have our weapons? Plus, we always have to plan for these kind of things."

"Can't you plan it right now?"

"Let me think... I suppose we can."

"All right Sis! Now put me down!"

Becky tossed Ginger into Mira. Ginger once again fell butt-first onto Mira's face. Becky then lifted Red off the floor and sat her next to her by the table.

"Here's the plan," started Becky.

Before she could even go on, a group of twenty Goomba-Moombas filed into the cafeteria with a hateful look. Each of them had on their belts tasers. Each of them had in their hand telescoping batons that they slapped onto their other palm menacingly.

"Mister Bonkura would like you to come with us," said Goomba-Moomba No. 10.

Becky sighed. "I guess we can't steal the Incrack formula," she said.

"So do we get our money?" Ginger asked as Mira fondled her body in an effort to gasp for air.

The Goomba-Moombas ignored the question and slowly surrounded them while advancing. Becky and the girls had no weapons on them or any coats or cloaks they could use as one. They had to fight back with what they have right now.

"Red-chan!" Becky cried.

"Okay Grandma!" Red acknowledged.

Red sprang to her feet with two dinner trays in her hand. She used them to duel against the swarm of Goomba-Moombas. She knocked two of them out and took their batons. She tossed one to Becky who was also fighting against the midgets barehanded. The more they took down, the more weapons acquired from their person.

Red spilled a janitor's bucket and she along with Becky jumped back to avoid the spill. With the electric taser in her hand, Red sent a jolt that struck the other Goomba-Moombas unconscious.

Meanwhile, a scared Ginger leapt off Mira's face and backed away to a corner with four Goomba-Moombas chasing her. The four midgets ignored Mira and surrounded Ginger.

"It's payback time," grinned the brown-stained Goomba-Moomba No. 1.

Suddenly a flying chair struck No. 1 down to the ground. Ginger looked past the other Goomba-Moombas and saw Mira back on her feet and very angry.

"Leave her alone," Mira growled.

"Get her!" screamed No. 1.

The other three charged at Mira and overtook her by shocking her repeatedly with their electric tasers. Mira screamed and started to fall to the ground. Then the Goomba-Moombas started to beat her senseless with their batons.

Then suddenly, Ginger lifted all three of them up like helpless puppies.

"I fucking hate gay Swedish midgets," she said.

"We're not gay, and we're not Swedish!"


With one loud grunt, Ginger tossed all three Goomba-Moombas straight into Becky and Red, who were then knocked down. Goomba-Moomba No. 1 got back up and charged at Ginger with his baton swinging. Ginger caught his arm, smiled, and then threw him into the kitchen.

Eventually, Becky and Red beat up the remaining Goomba-Moombas. Everyone started to take a short breather.

"Fucking dwarves," said Ginger as she brushed her hands.

Mira leapt to her feet and hugged Ginger very happily.

"Oh, you are so cool Ginger!" she cried. "Thank you for saving me!"

Ginger pushed her away and then slapped her across the face.

"You suck," said Ginger. "You are useless!"

The harsh words pierced her heart. Ginger was right. Mira could not do anything to save her like she had always wanted. So she staggered back in a hurtful daze and landed her butt into a chair.

"I'm so sorry," she lamented. "I failed in protecting you, thus forcing you to defend yourself. Will you ever forgive me?"

Mira looked up and saw that, besides the unconscious bodies of the Goombas-Moombas, she was alone.

"Hey Mira!" Becky yelled from the entrance. "We gotta go!"

"Oh, right!"

"Jeez girlfriend," said Ginger, "you've got to stop spacing out like that."

Mira joined up with the rest of the comrades in their frantic run out of the cafeteria and down the maze-like hallways. They followed Becky through the gift shop storage room and into the massive two-story gift-shop itself. Though closed, the shop was ready to open and sell its wares of t-shirts, stuffed mascot characters, postcards, and all sorts of useless crap guests and tourists will give to their relatives or shelve inside their cabinets and closets for years to come.

"Red-chan, wait!" Becky cried.

Red parted from the group so she could search for candy at the candy parlor there was none.

"There's no candy!" she cried.

"Baka-Red-chan," said Becky as she caught up to her. "Of course there isn't. They need to add the Incrack ingredient before they could sell it."

The lights of the gift shop flashed on. Mira and Ginger joined with Becky and Red inside the candy parlor in the middle of the shop. The shutter doors of the front were raised open. The glass doors burst open as about a hundred Goomba-Moombas dressed in camouflage marched in on foot or on electric bicycles. This time, they were armed with combat knives and handguns. The girls were now surrounded.

"Oh, fuck," Ginger said as she wet herself with the urine of fear. "Of all the times we are without our weapons."

"Ginger, stay behind me," said Mira.

"Um, yeah. 'Cause you're my shield, right?"

"Right. Oh, and Ginger."


"There's something I've been meaning to tell you..."

Then a trash bag full of hard and soft items struck Mira's head, and it was the hard part that made her clutch her head and curse in her native language of Urdu.

"You really should teach me Urdu swear words someday," said Becky.

"Swag!" Ginger yelled.

She ripped open the bag and procured a mystical katana, some pistols, poison darts, some coats, shoes, wallets, credit cards, and a red hood.

"Look this junk I now have!" Ginger cried out.

"Um, those are ours," said Becky.

"Finders keepers! They're mine!"

The Goomba-Moombas cocked their guns and took aim. Ginger was then reminded of her cowardice and then handed to Becky her Shinseiki and her throwing knives.

"But I guess I could let you borrow them just for today," she said.

"That's what I thought," grinned Becky as she unsheathed her sword.

Everyone dressed back into their confiscated articles and equipped their usual weapons on them (if you count Ginger's laptop computer as a weapon). From then on, Becky, Red, and Mira went on to completely slaughter the hundred Goomba-Moombas partly due to the fact that there was no candy and the fact they did not get their cash prize yet.

Once they finished killing, Becky sheathed her sword after wiping the blood with a souvenir t-shirt. Ginger searched the midget's bodies for cash and jewelry while she prowled the gift shop for any souvenir she could sell on eBay. Nothing was worth salvaging, so she decided to light a pile of Bonkura Bisons stuffed animals on fire on a pile of dead Goomba-Moombas.

"Come to think of it," said Mira, "who threw us down our stuff?"

"Up here!" cried a voice.

Standing by the railing of the second floor was Gerald Bonkura.

"Shoot him!" Ginger yelled.

Mira and Red shot their guns at him. Gerald dropped the floor cowering.

"Don't shoot!" he said. "I'm here to help!"

"Stop the shooting!" Ginger yelled.

The girls went up one of the two curving stairwells to the second floor and surrounded Gerald.

"Thank goodness," said Gerald. "Now that you're on my side..."

"Like hell," said Becky. "You don't know how pissed we are today."

"Let's beat him up!" Ginger cried.

"What?" cried Gerald.

The girls commenced beating on poor Gerald. Once he bled, they stripped him to his underwear and tied his hands together.

"Why me?" Gerald wept.

"Shall I inject him with an enema dart?" Mira asked. "Or how about the P-Scratcher?"

"Do both!' Ginger cheered.

"Listen to me!" Gerald cried. "You have to stop my brother! He's going to distribute the most addictive food product ever mass-marketed to the whole world!"

"Of course we are! We don't want him to infringe on our business of doing the same thing!"

"And we want the money!" Becky yelled.

They heard something creak above them. The large neon Billy Bonkura logo sign rattled from small to dangerous. The girls and Gerald ran out of the way before the sign could crash on them.

"You're trying to suicide attack us!" Ginger cried.

"That was not my intention!" Gerald yelled back. "Look!"

He pointed down to the gift shop entrance where three chic-dressed teenage Englanders stood. In the middle was Matilde with the ravenous and snarling beast-like Chuck Buck at her right and the young entomologist Jimmy Heathrow at her left.

"Oh shit," said Becky.

"Oh shit?" repeated Ginger. "Oh shit? Who are those three?"

"Chuck-Buck the Beast, Matilde the Secondary-Mover, and Jimmy, Master of Insects."

"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe," smiled Matilde as she floated off the ground through her telekinesis. "What a surprise you'd be here."

"You heard of these tea-drinkers?" Ginger asked.

"So now you three are working for Billy Bonkura," said Becky.

"All because what you did to Polly Flinders," said Matilde.

"That was an accident."

"Anyway, you were lucky that we were on assignment in the U.S., or otherwise we would have been a challenge when you and the Muffin Woman took out Robin Redbreast."

"We've been itching to defeat the Assassin-Saint," said Jimmy as his precious bugs lifted him off the air as if he was sitting on a chair.

"KILL OLDE WOLFE-EARS!" snarled Chuck as landed on all fours on the candy display case.

Jimmy shot his hand in the air. "Come my precious hornets!" he cried.

Hornets suddenly poured from the air vents of the gift shop. The girls and the half-naked Gerald fled to the back of the second floor.

"Stand behind me," said Mira. "Red, on the count of three, I want you to throw your grenade."

Mira fumbled through her large purse and procured one of her gas pistols and loaded up a poison shell inside the chamber.

"THREE!" Mira cried.

Red pulled the pin from her grenade and threw the explosive into the air as the swarm began to close in on them. Mira fired her poison shell bullet into the ceiling. Both devices exploded and sent the hornets scurrying away.

The smoke blew down towards Matilde, Jimmy, and Chuck. Matilde waved her hand to deflect the poisonous smoke that killed Jimmy's hornets. As the smoke cleared, Jimmy and Matilde floated to second floor, while Chuck leapt like a beast from the stair railings and landed between them.

"Those bitches," growled Jimmy. "How dare they do this?"

Matilde cleared the entire second floor away of everything, including the product shelves and racks. The girls had disappeared at the employee access door off to the side. Matilde shook it with her powers, and realized it had been barricaded from the inside.

"Help me rip it apart," she said.

The entire factory was a maze, but at least Gerald knew where he was going. They had to keep on running. Jimmy's flies had broken past the cracks of the doorway they had just blocked. They decided to get on a speedboat of the interior river system, which turned out to be an aboveground sewage treatment plant that was shut down a long time ago. Billy had conveniently built the factory over it in an effort to make creative use of a new type of candy processing.

Ginger threw out the two Goomba-Moombas that were on standby on the boat, but she could not drive it as Becky pushed her butt to the deck. Becky started the boat as per Gerald's directions.

"Right now, my brother is about to experiment on the other contestants and their parents in Section Z," he said.

The girls glared back at Gerald.

"Look, it's important that we save them!" he cried.

"Why the fuck are you still in your underwear?" Ginger asked.

"Hentai," said Becky.

"Pervert!" Red said.

"You're the ones who stripped me in the first place," said Gerald.

"Enough of your excuses!" Ginger yelled.

They were suddenly shot at. Gerald and Ginger dropped down to the ground cowering. They turned around and saw a speedboat full of four armed Goomba-Moombas on their trail. They passed by two tunnels, and two more similar speedboats appeared. Then another speedboat appeared ahead. The girls were surrounded.

"Mira take the wheel!" Becky yelled.

"Why can't I?" Ginger asked.

Another bullet flew past Ginger's head, and it caused her to squeal and shake. There was no need to remind her why she couldn't drive.

The enemy speedboats had machineguns mounted on them. Red stayed on her group's boat to cover for Becky as leapt to the other boats hacking away at the Goomba-Moombas with her Shinseiki and throwing knives. She to

Chapter 20

Title: Super-Special Number 03 - The French Maid Aptitude Test

[Author's notes: From the "whoever wins we lose" department:]

Super-Special Number 03 - The French Maid Aptitude Test

It all started when the famous media conservative Rush Limbaugh was making his usual insults to the Liberal Menace at large during his talk radio when he suddenly clutched his head and cringed in pain. He probably ended on "Liberal Mansy-Pansies," but who the hell knew? He's probably on his third round of offensive adjectives and adverbs that were tacked on to the word Liberal.

"Rush, you all right mon?" asked Thaddeus the Rastafarian Republican Radio Tech.

"Liberal..." Rush muttered.

"Yeah, Liberals are the shitters mon."


"Yeah, Liberals are cock-suckers..."


"Now you lost me there."

In the summer of 1999, a mysterious neurological disease have begun to affect right-wing conservatives across the United States of America, especially those who talk a lot on television and radio, and those write books. The symptoms was that every sentence they said included the word liberal, such as:



"I liberal-love you."

And the downright odd...

"Would you like liberal-fires with your shake-liberal?"

Even Japanese political conservatives were ending their sentences with liberal in their natural language.

At the advanced stages, the affected will suffer a stroke-like trauma, and then he or she could not say any word other than liberal.

"They said the L Word too many times," lamented paleoconservative Pat Buchanan.

And yet, it somehow became an honor to be affected with the Liberal-on-the-Mind-Ritz Syndrome, for now conservatives, at least in America, now had a secret one-word language they could call their own. Hopefuls who want into to their club tried to say liberal at almost every opportunity but had failed. It was probably because they didn't talk a lot on television and radio and write books.

For the antipolitcal and tomboyish Ginger, who had just beaten up the entire Democrat Convention with her bare hands (much to the twenty-something Becky, the teen yet lolita-looking Red, the Pakistani Muslim tribade Mira, and the Doberman Pinscher HLS's surprise), the time was ripe for her to rip Lib-Ritz victims from their pocket change that ran into the millions.

Thus, she and the gang infiltrated the Christian Conservative Council LLC (which was now pejoratively called the Crazy Conservative Church) as part of the maid staff, as the Council were having a meeting to discuss that women should be regulated to jobs such as maids. To their request, they wanted all the maidservants to be dressed in frilly French maid outfits, which was ironic because they hated everything that was France and had forgotten that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France.

Anyhow, Becky, Red, Mira, and Ginger were prepared to speak the secret language of the conservatives, which was somewhat easy because it was one word--liberal. Like the language of Butcharest as referenced in Wolf Ears, Red Fedora, one word could mean a greeting up to a grand speech made by Julius Caesar. Luckily, Conservative Language was in its infancy and was constantly being developed. It was such a great surprise that the Liberal-on-the-Mind-Ritz victims understood each other perfectly and had doled out their desires to the unaffected subordinates with perfect articulation and accuracy.

The plan was to get the members good and drunk after the speeches, which turned out well. Then, Becky and the girls locked them inside and challenged all of them to a simple word game. Pat Buchanan, who was attending the meeting, declined to participate, and he was constantly getting annoyed by people mistaken him to be afflicted with Lib-Ritz. He knew what Becky and the girls were doing, and decided to stand back and watch them rob the conservative "posers."

"Here is the rules of the game," spoke Ginger in Conservative Language. "My friend Becky will say a word, and you'll say word that is the direct opposite of it. Got it?"

"Liberal-liberal?" said Ann Coulter.

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, let's go!"

The job was too easy. Ginger and her crew garnered around one hundred billion dollars, a bunch of Enron stock, the Hope Diamond, the living wig of Donald Trump, and Rush Limbaugh's golden medicine case.

Thus, they left and decided to celebrate at a local diner not from the border of Tennessee late at night. Things did not turn right when an army of French maids in black uniforms arrived via troop transport trucks, helicopters, and a few tanks. At first, they thought the maids that were with them at the Christian Conservative Council LLC had followed them, and that they wanted some action with Beck, Red, and maybe Ginger, Mira, and HLS. Yet none of them had that desperate look of sexual hunger or giddy happiness. They were armed with state-of-the-art mono-visors, pistols, and assault rifles. Leading them was a very stern brown-haired maid with braided pigtails, glasses, a black outfit, and a pink umbrella. She burst through the diner with one thrust of her fist on the door, which shattered when it hit the back of bench seat. By then, the diner patrons and the diner staff had escaped, leaving just Becky and her girls behind.

"Friends of yours?" Becky asked Ginger.

By then, Ginger was quaking behind her seat. Then she jumped into the next booth and pointed accusingly at Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS.

"It's them!" said Ginger. "They're the ones behind the plan to rob the Red Republicans! They coaxed me into it!"

Yet the stern maid said nothing. She simply marched over towards Ginger, but Becky, knowing that there was a threat, stepped into her way.

Unfortunately, both her wrists were sprained with one quick one-handed action of the stern maid. She quickly caught up to the fleeing Ginger and held her by the neck.

"Drop it!" Mira cried as she drew out her pistol loaded with a potent poison dart. Red armed herself as well, but Becky staggered forward in front of them.

"Let's listen to what the maid has to say," said Becky.

"But Ginger's in danger!" Mira cried.

Then, the stern maid threw Ginger into the booth seats and pointed her pink umbrella at her, which was actually gun in disguise.

"Ginger Baker of the Baker Lineage," said the stern maid. "I Roberta Cisneros of the Maid Enforcers issue you a warning in violation of performing maid duties without an authentic FMAT certificate."

"Roberta Cisneros," gasped Becky. "The Hound of Florencia? No way..."

"But I only wore the fucking dress for--" started Ginger.

Roberta shoved the tip of the umbrella or gun barrel further into Ginger's face.

"As punishment, you are to report to the Garden Rove Maid Academy in New Orleans to take the exam to obtain your certificate. If you do not comply, we will be forced to detain you, and those who are destined to be French Maids should know that 'she' enjoys detaining the likes of you."

With that, Roberta walked away, but she lingered at the door as she slowly pointed her bespectacled eyes at Ginger.

"I have a message from your cousin Elenore," she said. "She says that if you don't pass the FMAT, she'll suplex you until the cows come home."

Then, she got into her Humvee. Roberta drove off with three other armed maids, and took along the entire force.

"All that for just a warning?" whistled Becky. "Man, these French Maid girls mean serious business."

"This is all your fault!" Ginger yelled. "The fake certificate didn't work!"

"Hello? You're the one who made it."

"It doesn't matter now, because I gotta fucking go over there and take the fucking exam. Shit, why does my cousin have to irritate me so?"

"When does the exam take place?" Mira asked.

"In two days!"

"Then it's decided!" Becky announced. "Team Wolfe shall now go to New Orleans for Ginger's FMAT and Mardi Gras!"

"But Mardi Gras has already passed," said Mira.

"That won't stop me from celebrating."

"In Mardi Gras," said Red, "you give girls beaded necklaces when they show you their breasts."

Everyone, including HLS, stared at Red.

"What?" asked a confused Red.

"Red-cunt," said Ginger, "that is both the smartest and most obvious thing you had said."

Thus, the girls decided to take their destruction--I mean, Ginger to the edge of New Orleans. Mira had to drive mostly since Becky's hands were still sore and sprained from Roberta's kung-fu grip. Although Becky wanted to get drunk off her ass at the main streets of the inner city, the beautiful Garden Rove Maid Academy and its girls were so pleasing to the eyes that she forgot all her booze-related intentions. It wasn't that the girls were sexy. They were just plain cute.

As they arrived at the front courtyard of the main office, they say that younger girls were dressed in red uniforms with white aprons, while the older ones were dressed similarly in gray.

"In this tour guide, the first years are called 'Corals'," said Mira, "while the older ones are called 'Pearls'."

At that moment, Mira became wet and stealth-masturbated as she fantasized Ginger in a cute Coral-class maid outfit. She even started to moan not-so-discreetly as she fantasized Ginger in a Pearl outfit.

"You look like you don't want to be here," Becky said to Ginger.

"Of course I don't," grumbled Ginger. "But Elenore will kick my ass if I don't get a certificate. Fortunately, that's where you guys come in."

"No. We're not helping you."

"I'll give you the swag we got from the Crazy Conservative Church LLC meeting."

"You already pawned those off!"

"Er, I can give you the deed to that Foster's brewery plant in California."

"You already burned it down."

"Come on! Red, HLS, Mira, help me out here."

"How can I?" asked an eager Mira.

"You have to give me coaching tips and most importantly help me cheat."

"I don't know," said Becky as she looked around. "These girls look as if they want to kill--and maybe have sex with me. I'm sure the administration is not something you want to mess with."

"Oh well. I tried. Let's go to the main streets and start our own Mardi Gras."

"Well, I'll agree to that."

All of a sudden, an old and very serious woman in a gray maid outfit stopped Becky and Ginger from leaving the steps of Garden Rove.

"Ginger Baker, I presume?" she asked.

"That's her," said Ginger, pointing to Becky.

"Nice try. Come with me."

The old woman pulled the wailing Ginger by the ear into the building. The suffering of Ginger angered Mira, who then began to draw out her syringe pistol, but Becky nudged her not to.

"But..." whined Mira.

"She's faking, and you know it," said Becky. "And it looks like we could follow her."

And they did. Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS headed into the halls and upwards to higher floors to the principal's office. They were let in by the Pearls and saw that Ginger was sitting across the desk of a long and dark-haired woman, whose nameplate read Principal Natsuki Kruger. The old woman in gray stood by ready to slap Ginger if she made any more sassy and offensive comments. It looks like she had already done so, for both of Ginger's cheeks were red.

"Those college degrees are faked," said Kruger.

"But I don't wanna become a French Maid!" Ginger yelled. "Serving people is for slavs!"

"Have you no pride and honor in your family's namesake?" said the old woman. "You are one of the last surviving members of the Baker clan."

"What about my distant uncle Tom Baker? You know, the most prolific portrayer of Doctor Who?"

"He's not a direct descendant!"

"Your cousin have already submitted the paperwork and paid for the examination fees," said Kruger. "Once your name is on the roster, you cannot back out of it."

"Or else we sick Roberta on you."

The name alone caused shivers within almost all in the room.

"That's not fair," said Ginger. "I didn't take any maid-related courses in this school or elsewhere."

"I am pretty sure that you'll do well given your intelligence and experience," smiled Kruger. "Isn't that right Becky?"

"Indeed," said Becky.

"You know the principal?" asked Mira.

"Let's just say that we're friendly acquaintances," said Kruger.

"In order to take your exam," began the old woman, "you must have your own Pearl-class uniform."

"Do I get the gems as well?" asked a brightened Ginger.

"In your case, no. I don't trust you with it."

"Rotten bitch."

Thus, the old woman slapped up Ginger, causing Mira to cringe. Mira would have attacked the old woman if Becky didn't hold her back.

"Sorry about that," said Kruger. "Miss Graceburt gets very agitated when a student talks back at her."

"Strike three," muttered Graceburt.

"Anyway, the first part of the examinations will begin at 10:10 AM sharp on Monday, as do Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Get some rest in the meantime."

"Here is your schedule of the items you will be tested on."

Seeing as Ginger was still whimpering on the floor, Mira agitated in general on her crush's suffering, and Becky having sore hands, Red received the lavender folder containing the schedule and all other paperwork concerning the test.

"Oh, I have one more thing to tell you," said Kruger. "Lately, there have been violent incidents that caused many students to suddenly drop out of our school."

"We have already expelled one perpetrator," said Graceburt, "but there is speculation that the true mastermind is still at large. Apparently, she has conveniently disposed of the students with so much fear that none of them want to come back even after repeated solicitations to get them to."

"Thus, allowing her to pass the FMAT with ease."

"Security will be very high during the examinations, but I have to warn you all to be very careful."

Becky and the girls checked into a hotel at the main street at the second floor. Since no Mardi Gras was taking place, Becky spent the rest of the day on their balcony doing her own yelling to pretty female passer-bys to show her their breasts, which they happily did. Beforehand, Becky had used Ginger's dirty money to buy a bunch of beaded necklaces in bulk. Red made some of her own using sharp bottle caps, used syringes, grenades, and razors. Fortunately, those were thrown to mostly ugly and drunk men who (even in the slightest dropped their pants) in order to earn souvenirs from Becky.

On the latest female, Becky was about throw a necklace at her, but instead Ginger beat her to the punch by lobbing off a brown-marble bust of Whoopi Goldberg onto the woman's head. Luckily, the victim was a dirty backstabbing whore, so no harm done...

Of course, that didn't amuse Becky. Thus, yet another public spanking took place, and numerous tourists gathered before their balcony to take pictures.

Then at late night, they all stayed up pouring over copies of the five-day schedule of the exam Ginger was expected to pass. Everyone initially thought it was simple, but were shocked when they actually read the schedule. They had to carefully read over it a third time just to make sure they weren't seeing things.

The schedule went as followed:


_ Written Test

_ Drink Mixing

_ Food Preparation

_ Hand-to-Hand Combat


_ Makeup Artistry

_ Hairdressing

_ Super Laundry

_ Olympic Cleaning


_ Oral Test

_ Firearms Combat

_ Bondage and Domination

_ The Dirty Old Men Gauntlet


_ Hacking

_ War Games

_ Robe Combat

_ The Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet


_ Singing

_ Instrument Playing


"By Allah," gasped Mira. "Becky, we must help Ginger cheat!"

Seeing Ginger smiling happily and evilly made Mira wet again.

"Robe Combat?" asked Red. "Do you fight in bathrobes?"

"That would be something," said Mira. "Still, I don't get what the last test is. 'VIOLA'? With an exclamation mark?"

"Must be saving the hardest for last," said Becky.

"See," said Ginger. "You have to help me cheat. I mean, you and the principal are best buds, right?"

"We're not exactly close friends."

"Becky, I have to agree with Ginger," said Mira. "These tests might actually kill her."

"Or hurt me royally," said Ginger. "A hurt Ginger is a sad and homicidal Ginger."

Becky thought for a moment. "All right. We'll help Ginger cheat. I'll have to smooch with the principal. Figuratively of course."

"Sis, you're the best!" Ginger cried.

With that, Ginger kissed Becky on the cheek, causing Mira to wail in horror.

"What's wrong?" Becky asked. "Did you see a ghost?"

"I almost gave mine out," said Mira. "I think I'll go to bed now."

"At least you've got days to prepare for the other tests Ginger."

"And days to prepare myself for cheating," added Ginger as Mira slipped under the covers of their bed.

"Some of these you can't really cheat in."

"But you can influence some of the judges and the parts of the test."

"I could."

"First thing tomorrow you'll have to get me the cheat-cheat for the written test during the long-ass preparations."

"I'll get Red-chan to help me there."

"Because I'm cute!" Red smiled.

"I can ass my way through the next two. But hand-to-hand combat..."

"Just remember the training we gave you," said Becky.

"Or lack of."

"We gave you ass loads of training! I'm sure that by now you know how to take down a random faceless mook assailant."

"I can only toss midgets! Can't you get me to fight one?"

"I can try."

Mira woke up very early in the morning of the first day of examinations, she had gone out for a quick breakfast and came back right as Ginger finished changing into her Pearl maid uniform.

"Was it good?" Mira asked.

"Er, I don't know what you're talking about," replied Ginger. "But where were you?"

"Getting these cameras. Look."

Mira unloaded her black garbage bag full of stolen and expensive cameras.

"Learning from the master eh?" Ginger smiled. "I can't believe you landed this much swag without causing an uproar."

"I have my methods," grinned Mira. "Now hold still."

The picture taking of Ginger began by the hands of Mira, and continued as HLS drove the girls to the Garden Rove Maid Academy. It got annoying, so Ginger, despite her own internal objections, threw out all of the cameras and caused a nine-car pile up behind them.

The security upon their arrival was tight as they expected, but protecting the campus grounds were not male agents in black suits, but armed and sexy women in black maid outfits--the Maid Enforcers. Heading the security was Roberta Cisneros, who sent shudders to the still-sore Becky and her group as they passed by her nonchalantly as much as possible.

Of course, there many other exam-takers, both from the school and elsewhere, present in their light-gray Pearl maid outfits. With them were their parents or guardians, who consisted of rich industrialists and government officials from many foreign nations. They were prime targets for Ginger's swindling, but alas she could not rob any of them as the hour of the first exam was approaching.

"This is where we part," said Becky. "Once we get the answers, we'll send them to you via Morse code, tap codes, lamp signals, smoke signals, and very loud coughs."

"Regardless, please do your best," said Mira. Without hesitation, she hugged Ginger, who was made uncomfortable by this.

Ginger then joined a chattering group of exam-passing hopefuls outside the primary campus hall. She felt so isolated and annoyed by their gossip that she wanted to punch them square in the faces just for the hell of it.

"You nervous?" asked a girl by her.

Ginger turned around and came face-to-face with a somewhat sultry girl with turquoise hair that was long in the front right side of her head. There was a bit of a devious smile, but right now Ginger assumed her to be a slutty rival.

"Of course not!" huffed Ginger. "Unlike you bitches, I have experience out in the real world."

"Boastful, aren't you?"

"No, I just exude confidence. Unfortunately, it's not really readily absorbable to the likes of you."

"I see then. With you here, this exam might become interesting."

"Damn right it is."

"In any case, I offer you my sincere 'good luck' to you in passing this exam."


The old woman Ginger had met earlier, Miss Maria Graceburt, quieted down the exam-takers and ordered them to follow her inside the hall. She called out their names alphabetically by last name and seated them in random places in the hall with each one spaced out from each other to prevent cheating. Ginger was the earliest to sit. Eventually, the name of the turquoise girl was permanently etched on her mind as her name was called.

"Marguerite, Tomoe!" Graceburt cried out.

Tomoe, Ginger thought deeply. I'll remember you...

With last girl seated, Graceburt then read off the written test instructions, and Ginger nearly fell asleep. She wanted to sleep, but she knew that Graceburt or the young student-proctors would hit her on the head for doing so. Besides, she was waiting for some kind of sign from Becky and the others to give her. Right now, getting the answers seemed difficult as the many windows were almost shuttered.

Damn it, thought Ginger. The tests are being passed out. How the hell am I going to get the answers?

She received her booklet. Ginger filled out her personal information (including sexual orientation), and soon enough Graceburt announced that everyone should begin.

Though she was not the only one having trouble with the test, Ginger stressed the hell out of herself as she read down the questions, which were sentence replies instead of fill in the blanks, bubbles, or those scantron sheets. Without looking suspicious, she kept on looking around for a sign from her gang, and after a few minutes she declared that she should just ass her way through.

Her stress eased when the questions were easier upon closer reading, and many of them were trick questions. Thus, she cracked her shoulders and just wrote down whatever came to mind, even if they were outright offensive. She blazed through it, and in no time she became the first person to finish, or so she thought.

She brushed uncomfortably against Tomoe's shoulders right at the front table right as they arrived. They parted contact, and turning their noses away from each other they slid their filled up test sheets towards Maria Graceburt.

The two then sat back down in their seats as they were instructed to. Ginger relaxed back and watched as girls that were caught cheating became verbally abusive with some being forced to be beaten down as they were hauled away. Ginger didn't think it was odd that almost one-fourth of the test-takers were thrown out. The more they threw out the greater the chance that she could pass the stupid thing.

Eventually the last, albeit nervous, test-taker turned in her sheet. Once collected, Graceburt cleared her through and announced that everyone should head out to the cafeteria for a ten-minute break. Ginger was the first to run out, but instead of going to the cafeteria, she sneaked her way into the courtyard and found Red and HLS playing with a fat cat with a scar on its forehead.

"Oi, pussyface," Ginger called out.

Red and the cat answered by looking.

"Er, where the hell is Sis?"

"Grandma?" said Red. "She was about to tell me to go to you and tell you that we switched the test questions, and if you got it wrong, she and Mira-Mira will write in the answers for you. You see, Grandma shagged at least one-fourth of the test administrators."

"Right, okay. Look, I'm going to grab a quick snack before I head off to the drink mixing exam."

"Ah! Mira told me to give you this!"

Red handed Ginger a vial of clear liquid that could be dispensed with a dropper.

"What is it?" Ginger asked.


"Great, we can win the judges through Mormonism you moron."

"Oh, and don't worry about the hand-to-hand combat portion. Grandma, Mira, LHS, and I got you paired up with a short fighter."

"I hope you're right."

Thus, Ginger hid the LSD vial within her person and decided to mingle with the girls with a feigned smile. Immediately, she slipped a few drops of LSD in their drinks and food before their next sub-test, which was drink mixing. For Ginger, it seemed simple enough, but she added a few drops just for extra measure to make the judges think they tasted the best wine.

As for the competing girls she had poisoned with the same drug, they had went blithering crazy and a few foamed in the mouth as they rolled on the floor. Thus, they were hauled off by the student proctors.

The food preparation went the same way as drink mixing. But Ginger could not get her mind off the ever-excelling and smug Tomoe. She almost wished she could have poisoned her, yet Tomoe was not around during the breaks.

Then came the hand-to-hand combat portion. Ginger and the others were made to wear karate uniforms and were sent into the large gym. As expected, Tomoe had ruthlessly beaten her opponent out of bounds and achieved a perfect score. Then came Ginger's turn, and she was nervous because she wasn't in the best physical shape as she could be. She blamed Becky for scaring the shit out of her in the many jobs they had done in the past and the constant spanking. She felt so stringy until her opponent timidly approached the mat.

"You will be fighting Yayoi Alter," Graceburt announced to Ginger.

"Hello," greeted Yayoi.

Yayoi was indeed cute--and short. The fact of that made her Ginger smiled sinisterly.

"BEGIN!" Graceburt cried.

In no time, Ginger threw Yayoi out of bounds three times for a technical knockout. Yayoi was severely bleeding and unconscious by the third ring-out, so points were taken off from Ginger's score for gross inelegance.

"At least I survived," she remarked.

Thus, the next few days went somewhat similarly.

On Tuesday, Ginger assed her way through Makeup Artistry despite the last-minute training on the night before. Of course, she had used Mira's timed-release mood-altering scents mixed in with the makeup to influence the already-influenced judges. Hairdressing, Super Laundry, and Olympic Cleaning went similarly as well, and by then Ginger was dog-tired.

Ginger also assed her way through the oral test on Wednesday, and with Mira's help she took a special breath mint that released a scent that drew favor to Ginger's obtuse and offensive speech. On firearms combat, Red had secretly assisted Ginger by taking position from a far with a sniper rifle that shot disintegrating bullets that vaporized upon impact of the target. Bondage and Domination went well as Ginger was fortunately paired up with a girl of short stature, allowing her to spank her repeatedly much to the judge's delight. Mira felt a little confused to see Ginger spanking someone else, because she was almost always aroused when Ginger's ass was exposed.

Then came the Dirty Old Men Gauntlet, which was one of the toughest parts of the entire exam. Many girls simply failed upon the pinching of the butt from the fingers of the men they were supposed to serve and humor. Ginger, on the other hand, discreetly made them unconscious by slipping them a fake erection enhancement pill in their drinks, and outright slapped one upside the head (who turned out to have a living ferret as a wig). She barely passed that one much to Graceburt and the proctors' disgust.

Later into the night, Ginger declined assistance from her friends since it contained most of the subjects she was good at. However, Red was still confused about "bathrobe combat", and Mira was heavily anxious about the Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet.

"If I can deal with you three," said Ginger, "then I can take on entire universe of dirty and psychotic lesbians."

"Should be called tribades," grumbled Becky.

"But what if they, you know, touch you or rape you on the spot?" asked Mira.

"What are you, my wife?" Ginger retorted.

"Well, if you want me to be..."

"I'll ass my way through the gauntlet!"

Mira did not like the way Ginger worded it, and took to drinking non-alcoholic beer for the remainder of the night, unable to sleep.

Thus, Thursday came. Ginger blew her way through the Hacking portion and the War Games, the latter of which she barley passed as she plunged the world into a twice-over nuclear holocaust in the simulations.

Then came the Robe Combat which Ginger and the rest of her gang were eager and anxious to see. Again, Ginger refused any offers that will help her cheat.

"But why?" Red asked. "Are bathrobes that powerful?"

"Yeah," Ginger said with an annoyed smirk. "They're very powerful. Be very excited when you see me kick ass."

"That'll be the first," muttered Becky.

And so Red, Becky, HLS, and a worried Mira sat in the stands and saw into the deep arena Ginger at one end and her dark-haired opponent at the other side. Mira watched through her binoculars and over the railing and saw Graceburt and Kruger standing by Ginger. Kruger then fitted Ginger with a pearl gem earring, and then kissed it.

Mira went ballistic in the insides. She rummaged through her purse for her syringe pistol, but Becky, Red, and HLS restrained her back to her seat.

"That woman..." growled Mira. "She kissed her..."

"Yeah, I know," said Becky.

"She kissed her ear!"

Kruger and Graceburt were gone, but have appeared later at the judges balcony across from Becky and her group. Then before their eyes rose on climbing pillars both Ginger and her opponent.

"They're going to fight on that platform?" Mira asked. "That high?"

Then Graceburt announced, "This session's match will pit Ginger Baker against Nina W†ng."

"Nina W†ng, eh?" Ginger smiled. "I've heard of you being the top of your class. I hear you also like to stroke your father's 'W†ng'."

"Shut-it," growled Nina.

"BEGIN!" Graceburt announced.


Through the wonders of not-so-top-secret nanotechnology, a transformation occurred to which Becky and her group momentarily saw a holographic image of a Nina naked and some kind of tight techno armor appearing on her. When it ended, Nina was no longer in her white and gray robe, but some kind of silvery kind they saw in the image. This, however, did not faze Ginger, as she remained smiling sinisterly.

"Put your robe on!" Nina cried.

Unbeknownst to Nina, Graceburt, Kruger, and the rest of the judges and student proctors hurried on to put on their hard hats, elbow pads, kneepads, and chest pads. They even urged all the spectators to put similar safety equipment on.

"All righty then," said Ginger. "MATERIALISE!"

The same transformation sequence was done on Ginger as it did on Nina. Even though she was used to it, the holographic image of a naked Ginger aroused Mira greatly to wetness, and she dearly wished that she was allowed to bring in a camcorder to record it.

However, something was not right with Ginger's new armor, even though it looked exactly like Nina's. She hunched down cackling madly, and her hands were opened up like claws.

"What's so funny?" Nina asked.

Around that time both Kruger and Graceburt hid behind the barrier of their balcony. By that time, Nina finally realized the extent of the dark aura surrounding Ginger.

Boom! A good portion of the arena exploded, thus sending up miles of dusty smoke into the sky. With the dust settled, there was now a hole at the north side created by a long trench. At the beginning of it stood Ginger retracting her hand from whatever powerful punch she threw at the now-missing Nina.

"What have you done to my daughter?" cried a blond-haired main who was running after Ginger. Ginger, in turn, picked up the man as if he were nothing and tossed him into the stratosphere, to which he disappeared into a faint sparkle.

"More," Ginger snarled. "More power! Soon, total domination of the entire world shall be mine!"

Then, suddenly, her armor "robe" disappeared to make way for her gray and white maid uniform. Immediately, she was tackled and perhaps beaten by the student-maid proctors, and one of them threw the gem and earring into Principal Kruger's hand.

"Maria," said she. "Will you do the honors?"

"Certainly," said Graceburt as she flexed her hand.

Immediately, the spectators were led out as loud slaps of hand hitting a hard butt echoed throughout the ruined arena. It took all the strength of Becky, Red, and HLS to haul the anxious Mira out.

"Now they're spanking her!" Mira cried.

"But I spank her," noted Becky.

"That's an exception!"

The Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet took place hours later as it was delayed for reorganizing of the dwindled number of exam takers. Becky and her group didn't watch Ginger as they were at a local bar trying to calm Mira down. They returned to the hotel room and waited for Ginger, who slugged into the room with a disgruntled look on her face.

"They didn't, um, touch you or anything?" Mira asked. "If they did..."

"I assed my way through," Ginger replied. "God I'm so fucking tired."

Then Ginger fell asleep longer the usual, which was fortunate because the next portion of the exam started much later on Friday. However, Becky and the others had to bathe her, dress her, and drag her back to Garden Rove or else she would be late.

For the singing test, they changed Ginger into a sexy gown that caused Mira to faint in ecstasy. The half-sleepy Ginger sang a half-assed version of "You Drive Me Crazy" by Britney Spears, but was aided by Mira's special pheromones to influence the judges. For instrument playing, Ginger took the unorthodox route by choosing to play drums, which she learned how to do with competent skill after hours of practice for the Battle of the Mystery-Solving Bands caper a few or more chapters back. It wasn't a perfect performance, but she received a fairly high initial score that allowed her to go on to the final part that would take place one hour later.

To her waking surprise, she was one of two examinees left. She found herself alone with Tomoe in the dressing room who was making an effort to pretty herself up.

"Your friends are having tea with the principal," Tomoe said.

"We're the only ones left?" Ginger asked.

"I have you to thank with your ruthlessness and all."

"Ah, but your subtle cheating helped me a lot as well."

"So you've noticed."

"Not that I care. I just want to get this exam over with and use my gem to become President of the United States and fulfill my dreams of world domination. Or at the very least get my cousin off my ass."

"Is that so? Then I have nothing to worry about then. Let us both pass with gusto."

"I'll toast to that. Er, we don't have any beer and stuff."

"There is a mini-bar down the hall and to the right."


"Hurry back. The final test is about to begin in thirty minutes."

Ginger ran out of the room and into the mini-bar as Tomoe had noted. The bar, being plain and woody was empty save for the sexy bartender in the hairband named Mariel. Why was there a mini-bar in Garden Rove?

"Damn that Turquoise Bitch," grumbled Ginger as she paced around. "She's gonna knock me off before I get my certification."

Ginger dialed her Motorola flip-phone to get to Becky and the others, but she could not even connect at the weakest signal.

"Shit, what am I going to do?"

The she heard the soft clink of a miniature and trendy teacup hitting its saucer. Off to the corner, Ginger had just realized, was a light brown-haired woman in a light purple or lavender maid uniform. The woman eyes and smile beckoned Ginger over to her table.

"You work here?" Ginger asked her.

"Perhaps," said the woman.

"You must have passed the FMAT right? Got any pointers on how to pass the last part?"

"The last part is always kept secret, unfortunately. Or it changes every year. I forget which. Regardless, I am afraid that I cannot disclose any tips for you."

"Oh. What about potential cheaters?"

"You shouldn't worry about them. The proctors should have caught them by now."

"You're a lot of help."

"Trust me. You'll pass."


The woman got up and walked past Ginger. Upon doing so, Ginger suddenly felt her heart racing from the soft titillation of the woman's hair and she could have sworn that the woman tenderly stroked her cheek with her index finger.

"I believe in you Ginger Baker," said the woman.

Ginger was too flustered to follow her. She didn't know why, but something about that woman made her very alluring to Ginger, unlike that of the other tribades she was rooming with. That woman exuded class and nobility that could not be faked.

"I guess I should do my best then," said Ginger. Right as she exited the bar, she came face-to-face with an angry Tomoe.

"What the fuck do you want?"

Promptly, Tomoe socked Ginger in the face.

In the grand theater, Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS sat with principal Kruger at the balcony seat not far from the control room. Below them, the audience consisting mostly of excited teenage girls filled the velvet seats, and behind the curtains, it was assumed, the proctors were setting up the stage although there didn't seem to be a lot of activity.

"Thanks for giving us these seats," said Becky. "Although one of us wants to sit a little closer."

"To be this far from Ginger," muttered Mira.

"I apologize, but we don't want to have any influence during the final test," said Kruger.

"Which reminds me," said Becky. "What does Viola mean? It's a bit cryptic you know."



Becky showed Kruger the schedule Ginger was meant to read. Upon reading the last test, Kruger smiled and almost chuckled.

"Those fangirls at the publishing department," said Kruger. "It's supposed to be a name of a very close friend of mine. I knew I should have sent you a revised schedule, but I couldn't have done so since I was too busy with the examinations."

"Whose name is it?" Becky asked.

"Shizuru Viola--also known as the Prime Shoujophile. I suppose that it is okay to tell you this know, but the rules of the final test is to please Shizuru using all the skills a maid has under her disposal. If one should pass, she'll kiss the candidate. And if she really likes the candidate, she'll do a little more than that... ahem. But don't worry. I firmly instructed her to only give a kiss to the passing candidates. Or else."

Red tugged Becky's sleeve. "Grandma, where did Mira go?"

Becky looked about and saw that Mira was missing. As they searched their balcony, a couple of high-ranking student proctors entered and started whispering disturbing news into Kruger's ear.

"The candidates are missing?" Kruger gasped.

"Miss Kruger!" called out a masculine yet sexy student maid in short dark hair from below.

"What is it Miss Hallard?"

"There is a fight going on in New Orleans!"

"What about it?"

"Tomoe and Ginger are the ones in it, and they're causing massive destruction!"

"Sound's like Ginger all right," said Becky.

"Oh shit," said Kruger.

It was probably the bitch fight of the millennium, despite today being 1999. Out of nowhere, two really evil girls in maid uniforms exploded out of the Garden Rove Maid Academy and involved the entire inner city of New Orleans. Car chases, motorcycle chases, bicycle chases, boat chases, helicopter chases, horse chases, donkey chases, and unicycle chases occurred in epic proportions, causing an unprecedented air, land, and water traffic disaster stretching all the way to New York, Los Angeles, and Brazil. On foot they wrestled with each other in like all evil women do, and threw many things at each other, including chairs, computers, desks, zoo animals, carnival animals, carnival freaks, dwarves, and dwarf prostitutes. The level of destruction was so great that it interrupted a drunken brawl between former wrestler Roddy Piper and black actor Keith David, who had now become appalled by such level of violence demonstrated by Tomoe and Ginger.

Bleeding and bruised, Tomoe and Ginger fought until they reached the levees almost seventy minutes later. Tomoe had slammed Ginger into the inner-wall slope of the levee, and then Ginger scrambled up the levee and reached the road. There, she stood her ground across from Tomoe in a dramatic standoff with the crashing waves of water from the Caribbean Sea seeping into the roadway of the levee.

"I should have known," growled Tomoe. "You're just like all the other fangirls taking the exam. You just wanted get closer to my Shizuru!"

"I'm not even into her you bitch!"

"But she is into you. It took me many years of hard planning and hard work to boot off everyone who is an obstacle between me. That pesky ant girl was a bit of trouble after I tried to burn her with acid, poison her in the jungle, selling off her uniform to a maid fetish store, and tried to get her raped by faceless hentai dudes. I did the same to many others as well, which included them being chased by dirty men bear suits, sending them off to be recruited by the Order of the Rich, Dumb, Whorish and Blond, spiking their curry, pushing them down the stairs, and making them meet that red-haired playboy and that young Indian headmaster from that kooky academy in Japan."

Suddenly, Ginger threw into Tomoe's face handful of dog feces she had found after a stray dog passed by during Tomoe's confession.

"Fuck off," said Ginger. "I don't believe you did those last four. You don't have cunning to pull that kind of shit."

"My face," gasped Tomoe. "My beautiful face. How dare you?"

Then Ginger threw into Tomoe's uniform handful of elephant feces after a stampede of stray African elephants passed by.

"That's it!" Tomoe yelled. "I'm not holding back this time! MATERIAL--"

Tomoe was struck in the neck by an elephant tranquilizer dart, and in no time she fell face forward into unconsciousness. Her fall revealed Mira retracting an elephant gun borrowed from animal control who were trying to catch the stampede of elephants while driving heavy Humvees and heavy semi-trailer trucks, further compromising the integrity of the levees.

"Mira," said Ginger.


After a moment of longing, Mira dropped the gun and held out her arms as she ran to Ginger, who was also running towards Mira with open arms. Right as they met, Ginger suddenly pushed Mira into the ground, and then ran to kick and stomp the downed Tomoe.

"Bitch!" yelled Ginger. "Cunt! Bitchcunt!"

Ginger continued to yell "bitchcunt" until a pimped-out white limo screeched to a halt. Bursting from the limo were the maid student proctors who pulled Ginger away from Tomoe's body. Becky, Red, HLS, Kruger, Graceburt, and Shizuru Viola also came out. The stern Roberta, accompanied by her subordinates, of the Maid Enforcers arrived in their heavily armored vehicles to chain up Tomoe and haul her off in one of their prisoner transport cars.

"Finally, we can legally expel this rotten girl and reinstate Miss Sayers," said the elderly Graceburt.

"All thanks to you Miss Rama," Kruger said.

"Me?" said Mira. "What did I do?"

"Since we figured that you'd be close to Miss Baker, who would be in contact with Miss Marguerite at the last test, we have secretly bugged you in order to extract a confession from the perpetrator behind all the blackmail and unexplained student withdrawals."

"But why go the roundabout way? Why couldn't you seduce psycho tribade?"

"We figured that in order to fight off a cunning, psychotic, and evil tribade, we'd have to use another one like her."

"Which is the real reason why we sent Miss Cisneros to bully Ginger into taking the FMAT," said Graceburt.


Kruger turned around and saw that a large fire broke out in the city.

"We didn't expect those two cause this much destruction in seventy minutes," Kruger added.

"I tried to warn you," said Becky.

"You were in this too Becky?" asked Mira.

"Of course. I am a 'friendly acquaintance' to the likes of Natsuki Kruger."

"So all this has been a sham?" Ginger asked.

Almost everyone nodded.

"Heh," said Ginger. "Sham or not, you guys owe me. I want a FMAT certificate, lots of money, some gems, and that unoccupied seat of the Five Columns."

"As much as we appreciate your help, I am afraid we cannot grant your requests," said Graceburt.

"Do you realize the level of destruction you will cause if we gave you the weakest of all gems?" asked Kruger.

"Of course I do!" Ginger replied. "That's why I want it!"

"I'm sorry, but you can't have them. We will, however, reimburse you for the expenses for the exam and travel."

"I want my gems! I want it, I want it, I want it!"

"Oh, let the girl have her gems Natsuki-chan," smiled Viola. "If she is under a proper master, I am sure she won't use the robe's powers for total destruction."

"But Shizuru," said Kruger.

What Viola did to Kruger with her fingers was titillating enough to change the principal's decision.

"Oh, all right," said the blushing Kruger. "I'll give Miss Baker the gems."

Ginger squealed happily. "Shizuru, you're the best!"

With that, Ginger glomped Viola and kissed her long on the cheek. This caused the ever-jealous Mira to have a near-heart attack, and she collapsed to her knees with total heartbreak.

"Gimme gimme!" Ginger cried.

"All right, here you go," said Natsuki as she handed Ginger a jewel box. "Your very own Transparent Pyrite of Purity."

Massive disappointment surged within Ginger's soul when she opened the box to behold two gems of worthless value. Angrily, she threw the box into Kruger's face. Then she picked it up and threw to Graceburt's face, and threw it again into Roberta's face.

"Miss Maria," said Kruger. "Miss Roberta."

"As you wish," said Graceburt.

Thus, Graceburt and Roberta took turns spanking Ginger. Meanwhile, Becky took notice of Mira furiously digging into the levee with a shovel she borrowed from the cleaning crew that was responsible for cleaning the elephant dung.

"Mira, what are you doing?" asked Becky.

"I'm digging a hole to Mecca," huffed the frustrated and mad Mira. "And when I'm there, I'll throw a huge boulder at the three jamarah pillars during the Stoning of the Devil. Then I'll go to The Sacred Mosque to bash my head onto the Kaabah until Allah fulfills my wishes!"

"Isn't that last act sacrilegious? And besides, the Hajj isn't taking place yet."

"I'm making my own pilgrimage! No one can stop me!"

Eventually, the fires have been put out in New Orleans. Air, water, and land traffic have resumed normal conditions. The elephants have been gathered back up, and elephant and dog feces have been cleaned off the levees.

"I wonder if we're forgetting something?" remarked the mayor of New Orleans, as he watched the re-paving of the levees.

Ginger finally got her FMAT certificate, but did not get her two other wishes, which were money and the empty seat of the Five Columns. Ginger threw away the two gems of the Transparent Pyrite of Purity, but was recovered and secretly given to Mira in case Ginger needed to use it in a time of crises.

"Believe me," Viola told Mira. "These gems are more powerful than you think, and Ginger is more powerful than she thinks."

"But why me?"

"From one tribade to another, I know that you deeply care for her."

"I will keep this safe."

Mira knew the risks of the gems' activation as told by Viola, but she was happy that might have a chance to become Ginger's 'master'.

Ginger's butt was so sore from all the harder-than-usual spanking that she could sit down for days. Thus, Mira volunteered her own lap to be Ginger's head pillow during the car ride home.

"Hey Mira," said Ginger.


"Your crotch smells a hell lot like vagina juice."

"Indeed." Mira became even wetter.

They've decided to drop by at Gene's house on the way back.

With her job further than usual and out of the way of the bus routes, Jean Owen Biggs had to buy a scooter, which as an interim solution of getting another that was destroyed by a falling glass elevator during the second Super-Special chapter. She was now in charge of her older sister's house, for Gene Duo Biggs was out in the wheat fields of middle U.S. to get her name in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest tribade oral sex daisy chain numbering around one thousand girls (although Jean felt that Gene could have done it with just a hundred girls).

Ignoring the moans of the client coming from Kitty Muffet's room, Jean headed out to the front of the house for her other part-time job. Right before she got on her scooter, a girl in a battle-uniform crashed and obliterated it after bouncing for a quarter mile or so. She was still alive, but gagging hilariously.

Jean allowed the keys to her scooter fall to ground. "I'll just go to bed then."

Right as she entered her room, the roof collapsed right as a man with orange-blond hair crashed into her bed. He was still alive, but also gagging hilariously and bleeding in the head as usual.

"Ouch, my head," said the man.

Jean fell to her knees and began cackling madly. After minutes of laughter, she yelled out:


Just then, Becky and the girls heard right as they stopped at the front door.

"She blames you for everything," said Mira. "In some ways, you are partially responsible."

"I guess I am," said Becky.

"It's that woman still in denial?" said Ginger.

"Oh yeah."

Chapter 21

Title: Jean-chan Goes to the Gynecologist

Jean-chan goes to the Gynecologist

Once again she could not sleep. More than ever the loud electric sitar quartet rattled and irritated the eardrums. Jean Owen Biggs rolled about her bead with the two grating buckwheat pillows clutched to her ears. When she opened her eyes, the wooden Wiki Statue, who served as a guardian to female orgasm, stared back with insane eyes and a perverse grin. This version of the great goddess had four breasts, six nipples, and three arms. That scared the shit out of her at least once a day, especially in the middle of the night.

Her kooky older sister had promised her little sister that she would remove the Polynesian and Sub-Saharan African statue carvings from her room, which often doubled as storage. Too many times Gene forgot. It was getting on Jean's nerves.

It was already six in the morning, and her job starts in two hours. Jean could only manage at least one hour of sleep amidst the moans of her other roommate Kitty Muffet going down on Gene.

Suddenly, Jean felt hot. She reached down her panties and touched her feminine places. She felt nothing.

Then she screamed.

Gene and Kitty ran into Jean's room shoeless and panty-less. Jean was sitting up erect in a cold sweat.

"Did you have a bad dream little sister?" Gene asked.

Jean slowly turned her head towards her as if it was rusty.

"I can't feel a thing," said Jean.

"I see," said Kitty. "Then I shall have a look."

"Don't touch me! I mean, I'm fine. I think it might go away in a day or so."

"No can do darling. You're going to have to get yourself checked right now."

"I can't! I'll lose my last paid-vacation day if I skip work today."

"Would you rather live with your 'problem' worsening? If you don't get yourself checked you may never achieve an orgasm! Or worse..."

"Oh, fine. But you're not looking at me! I'm going to a gynecologist."

"In that case," smiled Gene, "I'll recommend you to--"

"No recommendations! Especially from you!"

"But this gynecologist is really good!"

"And this doctor is the only one who could operate under your health care plan," said Kitty.

"There aren't any others?"


Jean sighed. "I'll go."

"Oh, you might want to be careful," Kitty winked. "The gynecologist is one hell of a womanizer."

"Becky-chan must have competition," said Gene.

Not good. A womanizer might be the type to be perverted one way or another. Yet Jean had no choice. Her "problem" had to be cured or else she will live for the rest of her days with vaginal frustration. Gene wrote down the address and the doctor's name on a lily-shaped sticky-note that looked very vaginal, and then handed it to Jean.

"We'll set up your appointment for you," said Kitty.

"What about you two?" Jean asked.

"I have to do a session for Dolly Parton."

"I am going to the emu farm to extract female ejaculation from the hens for my latest piece," replied Gene.

Jean grumbled. Drowsily, she had her breakfast, got dressed, and walked over to the bus stop. Usually, she would have taken her car, her beloved black Nissan Maxima sedan, but it hand been crushed by a falling glass elevator containing a pimp-like white man dressed in a lavender coat and lavender top-hat. She did not know what happened to him when the tow truck arrived and took her car away. He and elevator disappeared before she knew it.

She rode on the front the bus not so she could exercise the rights won by her people back in the Black American Civil Rights era in the 60's. Jean just did not want to ride on the bus with the so many annoying humans chattering away. They ranged from snobby Republican Blacks, wanna-be white rappers blaring out manufactured hip-hop on the bazooka-shaped white-man's ghetto blasters, and naturalized adult sons of illegal immigrants from Cuba complaining about illegal immigrants stemming from Mexico.
Here she was, a single young adult black woman down on her luck, powerless, and frustrated with the world before her. Jean wondered what went wrong with her. It was not like Mama Biggs neglected her. Jean just hadn't found her calling in life, just as her two older sisters did. The eldest, Shania Fau Biggs, was a wealthy record producer and was constantly hustling deals between the record executives and her clients all over the country and sometimes all over the world. Gene Owen Biggs was a world-renowned artist who could create very unusual, very unorthodox, and confusingly controversial pieces.

To live with Gene was a dent to her pride and independence, and Jean choose to live with her instead of Shania who just could not get off her bar-shaped Nokia cellular phone (which always played that annoying William Tell Overture ringtone). Jean wanted to strike out and live on her own, but a series of bad luck stemming from one Becky Wolfe. Her many meetings with her constantly set her back financially and constantly caused Jean to beat Becky's breasts in retaliation and frustration.

"How did this all happen to me?" Jean asked.

Jean had met Becky in her freshman year in college. Though she had amassed some debts because of loans, and the fact her mother recently died, Jean was full of bright optimism as she entered San Antonio State College in her pursuit of her anthropology degree.

The course work was grueling, and Jean could only manage a modest 3.0 grade-point average during her first semester. She made lots of friendly acquaintances, but not necessarily friends. Her fate changed one day in the middle of her second semester. One day, her dorm roommate, a wealthy black girl named Artisia Garris was moving away to Japan to marry Subaru Hino. So the dorm became half empty.

One day after Artisia left, Jean merrily went downtown one night to buy some drinks and snacks to stuff into her cube-shaped refrigerator. After she got those items, Jean was alone on the deserted street when two shady men began pursuing her. She dashed off on instinct, but the men were fast catching up to her. Then suddenly, a shadow flew behind her and kicked the living testicle sacks of those men. Jean turned around and beheld a tall woman about her age with short black hair and for some strange reason she had two wolf ears on the top of her head.

However, she was seriously wounded, and fell to the ground. Jean had to carry that woman and her belongings back to her dorm room. That was how she first met Becky.

Becky temporarily became Jean's roommate by using a fake identity that she was an exchange student from Sardinia. Jean started to have a crush on Becky as time went on, but eventually Becky became the worst roommate ever.

She was drunk--lazy drunk. Beer bottles and other alcoholic containers law strewn about the floor. Somehow she stuffed a hundred kegs in that room, which was a record-setting feat. Often times, Becky would interrupt Jean's attendance in school by sitting next to her in lectures and groping her. Most of Jean's acquaintances left her thinking that she was a lesbian, even though she denied it time after time. They started accusing her that she was in denial when she grudgingly prolonged Becky's stay at San Antonio State (not to mention lost her virginity to her). Perhaps Becky was the cause of Jean breaking up with her boyfriend Joshua, and vice versa.

Then there was the Colombian drug cartel that invaded the college for the drugs Becky had stolen as part of her job. A fire broke out, and Jean's important anthropology thesis was burned. Since then, her life has been going downhill...

Yet there was still a point of life that kept her pride and hopes up.

"You're in denial!" screamed a fellow bus passenger.

Jean grinded her teeth. She turned around and furiously glared at the person who had said that about her.

"You're in denial of the fact that the War on Drugs is led on the suppositious beliefs that drugs are inherently addictive when in fact they're almost all of the are not," said a young black Southern Baptist preacher to his friend, a black imam from a Sunni Mosque.

The two men noticed Jean's glare.

"Can I help you with something?" asked the imam.

"Sorry!" Jean apologized. "I thought you were talking to me."

Jean turned back around and took a deep breath.

Eventually, she transferred to another bus that then took her to a medical office building. The building was pretty and white, and the outer walls were lined with planters that had a variety of flowers, particularly orchids that looked they came from the Karma Sutra.