Authors: StarCross
Title: Miss Wolfe Meets Red-chan
[Author's notes: The First Chapter of the Story Formerly Known as The Misadventures of Miss Wolfe and Red]
Title: Bubba Bo Peep
[Author's notes: A bestiality orgy sect? Bill Clinton?]
Title: The Ginger Ale House
[Author's notes: The Gimp Gallery? Hanson?]
Title: The Three Biggs
[Author's notes: Humpty-Hump's prosthetic nose? Somebody's in denial!]
Title: Ronald Stilzchen and the Chemist's Daughter
Title: The Old Woman who Lives in the Shoe Factory
Title: Ginger
Title: Running a Store, Life in a Cabin
Title: The Muffin Woman
Title: Hammer and Axe
Title: The Auction of Madness
Title: The Deadly Ranch of Pecos and Slue-foot
Title: Unnecessary Crossover #1 [Or, How Chloe Lost her Email]
Title: Unnecessary Crossover #1.5 - Much ado about Secondary
[Author's notes: WARNING: READING THIS FANFIC WILL MAKE YOU FOAM AT THE MOUTH, ROLL ON THE GROUND, AND GO CRAZY.]
Title: Unnecessary Crossover #2 [Or, In France I see Mireille's Underpants]
Title: Rampion Nuzel
Title: Climbing the Beane-Stark Tower
Title: Super-Special Number 01 - The Great Smashing Hollow Ween Pumpkins
Title: Super-Special Number 02 - Billy Bonkura and the Confectionary Factory
Title: Super-Special Number 03 - The French Maid Aptitude Test
[Author's notes: From the "whoever wins we lose" department:]
Title: Jean-chan Goes to the Gynecologist
Title: The Slipper Situation
Title: The Spoon and the Dish came out of the Cupboard (and ran away)
Title: The Death Spindle
Title: Obligatory Transitional Moment
Title: Yuki Shirow and the Seven Sexy Samurai Schoolgirls
[Author's notes: The Order of the Phoenix got nothin' on the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo.]
Title: Missionary Trib Girl Rebecca
[Author's notes: Zettai... Unmei... Aw screw it.]
Mother Güse Must Die
Chapter 22 - Missionary Trib Girl Rebecca
by StarCross
In our last episode, er, chapter, our heroines Rebecca "Becky" Maryland Wolfe, Mira Rama, Ginger R. Baker, and canine doberman HLS had met up with the clandestine, ultra-powerful, and über-cool all-girl organization, The Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo. After helping to lovey-dovey stepmother-and-daughter couple, the short-haired TDB Becky and her crew stop by at the family restaurant Lindbaum close to the coast, where there was one sole generic male waiter, an android waitress, a waitress too old to work there, and one orange-haired girl with big boobs.
The crew was seeing Hazuki Azuma, one of the high-ranking members of The Order, who was known as "The Dark Mistress". With her was her wife, Lillis Azuma, a blonde and blue-eyed girl in a summer outfit despite it being fall in Japan, and no one could take their eyes off the gigantic hat she was wearing probably because its scythe-tipped antenna was knocking and cutting things in their inadvertent path. Plus it had a huge blue in the middle that didn't blink, and it was certain that it was real and organic.
The tomboyish and bratty Ginger, gripped her fork hard ready to poke The Eye, not because she was afraid. She wanted to see it bleed and piss off its ditzy wearer.
"Darryl Güse seeks to revive the lost nation of Tribadia through Red Little," said Hazuki.
"Do you know more about it?" asked Becky. "Besides possessing a sleeping power that could destroy the world."
"Well, it has... Yeah, you're right. It does have a sleeping controllable power of the cosmos that can destroy the cosmos. There is a theory though that encased in the core of the island nation is relic of the Lesbian Goddesses of Darkness and Light. Legends have it that our kind, a Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo, serve as priestesses of the Goddess of Darkness, while Red and similar are the priestesses of the Goddess of Light."
"So that means I can command the power if I shag a TDB," said Ginger. "Sis, wanna get it on? And shut up Mira!"
Mira, who was about to protest Ginger's proposal, immediately shuts her mouth in shame.
"But I still need the power to defeat Güse and her forces!" Becky cried. "And a new sword! Can I have yours Sensei?"
"No," replied Hazuki. "Repair the one you got."
"Aw, I don't wanna go to Zanzô! She takes too long."
"There is no other way! Go and get it repaired so we can start the training!"
"Excuse me ma'am," said Mira. "If Güse is such a threat, why don't you all attack her right now?"
"Damn it Mira!" Ginger cried. "Do that and story will be less interesting!"
"Güse's spies have planted themselves all over the world," said Hazuki. "Any movement from us will put it and Red Little in more danger. But we have time, and training Becky is paramount in having our plans succeed."
"She's not the main character you know."
"You only wish you were Ginger," smirked Becky.
"You already got your chance in that prequel!"
"What prequel?"
"Enough breaking the fourth wall!" Hazuki cried. "What are you doing standing around here for?"
"Finishing our sundae."
"Waiting for your wife to fondle from under the table," said Ginger.
"Lillis has been fondling me ever since we got here," said Hazuki. "I already ejaculated nine times!"
"So that stream coming from under the table isn't a spill," said Mira leaning towards the floor.
At that moment, one of the waitresses who looked too old to work here, despite being in her mid-twenties and a hottie, slipped on the stream and broke all the empty glasses she was carrying back to the kitchen. After that, Natsuki and Shizuru came by tugging a dog by the leash.
"Hey Natsuki," said the big-chested waitress. "You're not allowed to bring dogs here."
"This won't take a while Mai," said Natsuki.
"What happened to Duran?"
Natsuki and her wife headed over Becky and Hazuki's table, and there she threw the leash into Mira or Ginger's lap.
"Your dog is at it again," said Natsuki.
"HLS?" said Becky. "I thought she was back in the car? That we stole. That is yet another orange freakin' Volkswagen."
"Give the poor tribade dog a break," said Shizuru. "She's in love!"
"It's making Duran uncomfortable," said Natsuki. "Waving that double-dildo strap-on around is one of the reasons, and I don't want the kids seeing it."
"You and Duran are so alike. You too nearly went catatonic when I--"
"Okay, we got get back and take the kids to school. Becky, fix your sword so we can launch our counterattack."
Natsuki tried to head back to the door, but she slipped on the stream of ejaculate and knocked the older waitress back on the floor. The two-girl pileup was arousing because Natsuki boobs were meshed perfectly and perpendicularly between the waitress's own.
"Midori..." grumbled Natsuki.
"Hiya Natsuki," said the waitress.
They stuffed themselves into a pumpkin-orange Volkswagen Polo III. Ginger reminded Becky that driving in Japan was like driving in the U.K. Or Australia. Or India. They drove deep into Tokyo, probably close to Shibuya, and illegally parked at the side of the road right in front of the NHK television studio
Chic-dressed, the crew marched in taking no shit from the Japanese greeters, although Mira helped a bit exerting some mood-altering perfume, which Becky, Ginger, and HLS vaccinated against before hand. They just needed time to enter the studio three right in the middle of the show.
They thought it was Iron Chef, but it turned to be interesting, which meant that it was unpopular. It was in an Iron Chef-style though, but instead of competing chefs of making dishes with a certain unique key ingredient such as seahorses or marshmallows, the contestants, who were blacksmiths or pretend blacksmiths, were supposed to make a unique weapon able to cut a gushing watermelon, which fetched a high price in Japan since it was not grown there. Today, the competition was to create a kick-ass spear. Ariko Zanzô, the host, gave all the play-by-play in Japanese, and occasionally talked to a panel of judges that included an obscure Japanese swordsmith, "Bill" who was known as the assassin leader Snake Charmer of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, David Carridine, and Gackt.
It was likely that the show would be pulled off the air. Regardless, Ariko was popular on the Internet, and already DVDs of her show made the sales charts. Once the taping was over, the celebrity judges were hurried out to other ventures, and the riot police beat out the audience who consisted of horny fanboys who wrote doujinshi (amateur comics) of Ariko in rapist sex fantasies.
Unbeknownst to all but a select group, Ariko had a deadly secret. No, it wasn't that she was a descendant of famous swordsmiths and that she was the last in the long line. It was fairly obvious that her loyalty was to the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo. Almost everyone knew her alternate title, "the Lililian Sword-Maker."
There was a tall black woman with dyed yellow hair and sunglasses who acted as somewhat of a bodyguard or manager. She was almost always seen with Ariko, and was usually very close to her side. Becky, Mira, Ginger, and HLS followed the two backstage into their dressing rooms (after picking the lock of the locked door). When they entered the tall black woman was already halfway undressed as was Ariko, and she was performing hot and passionate tribadism on the table.
"This will only take an hour," Ariko moaned. "Oh, Camille!"
"Damn it Ariko," grumbled Becky. "I don't have time!"
"Have patience," said Camille, the tall black woman. She kissed her lover, and then leapt onto the table to further grind Ariko's vagina.
"I don't see what's so bad," said Mira.
"It's not that," said Becky. "Do you know how long I waited until I got my Shinseiki? It was almost a year! And all these two were doing was having sex, sex, sex, sex, and more sex. Sure it was nice to watch for half a year, but I had things to do! On top of that, my sword was defective!"
Nearly two hours later, Ariko and Camille had finished their lovemaking, and Camille slapped the sleeping Becky, Mira, Ginger, and HLS to waking.
"As I was saying," said Ariko, "your sword broke because I didn't finish reinforcing it."
"What was that?" Becky slurred.
"I'd say it was your fault for angering Azuma-sensei when you molested her daughter."
"You pissed off your teacher?" Ginger grinned. "I would pay to see that!"
"Shut it," said Becky. "You want a spanking."
"Anyway," said Ariko. "I already received an email of your arrival and the fact you foolishly broke your sword. I'll repair under the condition that you WAIT. And I'll require a total payment of ten million dollars."
"Done. You hear that Ginger?"
"You don't have ten million dollars," said Ginger.
Becky raised her slapping right hand.
"Um, I guess I'll lend it to you--with interest."
"Very well," said Ariko. "I'll take the broken shards. Camille, it looks like we have time for another quickie."
"All right babe!" saluted Camille.
"Ariko!" Becky cried. "Seriously, Red-chan's in trouble!"
"I'll finish it in a month," said Ariko as she began to undress again. "You can join if you want to."
"I miss Red-chan..."
"You're horny and you're impatient," said Ginger. "Not a good combination."
Becky and her crew spent the following month in Tokyo, while Ginger, Mira, and HLS had their own misadventures that might be written quite soon.
By some miracle, Ariko had finished reforging the Shinseiki, now re-christened as the Tsukiseiki one week earlier. Her excuse was that her show was finally cancelled.
Becky and her crew then arrived to Ariko's foundry located outside Tokyo, and mainly to Becky's dismay she had to take a number. There were other sword-wielding wannabes waiting for their order in the hospital-like waiting room, which was further made strange when the receptionists were dressed in pink nurse uniforms. The loud noises and banging of Ariko and Camille having sex did nothing to arouse the mostly-male customers, the like of which came from the Crazy 88's, the Organo mob group, and Ninja Burger.
After almost two hours of waiting, Becky and her party were called up to the main foundry room. Once they entered, Ariko and Camille were already buttoning themselves up.
"Make it quick," said Ariko. "Camille and I are going to sex it up in a couple of minutes."
"Is my sword done damn it?" Becky asked.
"Oh yes. Good as new. Great. Perfect. Ready to go."
"What's with all the words?"
"Here ya go."
Ariko shoved the sheathed Tsukiseiki into Becky's arms. She then immediately leaped into Camille's body, wrapped her limbs around her, and started making out.
"So what's been improved?" Ginger asked. "Can it split apart like a snake-blade? Does it have a switch for an extender blade beam? Or it is black like Ichigo's Zanpakuto?"
Becky unsheathed her sword. It looked exactly the same like when she first received her Shinseiki, but the respect she had now developed for her blade--her partner--made it seem that it was purified and oozed with power.
"Eh?" Ginger said. "Nothing's changed. You've been gypped!"
"I haven't," grinned Becky. "Finally I can challenge Darryl Güse."
They heard banging and shouting noises, but it wasn't Ariko and Camille, who were now humping each other directly over the burning hot coal by the furnace without pain or injury. The door to the main foundry was kicked open, and in came a bratty schoolgirl dressed in a goth-like sailor uniform. She wore a loose necktie like a gangster, her jacket fitted loosely on her arms, and her black and torn skirt extended towards her booted ankles. She had short fiery black hair with a white forelock. Her skin wasn't tanned, as it was her natural light brown. Her eyes were of insane blue. For some reason, she reminded everyone of Ginger, yet darker.
"Ariko!" cried the girl. "I want my fucking sword!"
"Ichiko, please!" cried a very tall woman with white skin, long black hair, and worried black eyes. Her entire body, save for her pretty face, was adorned in a sexy pure white nun's habit.
"You already have a sword you can use," said the nun. "Over one hundred I might add."
"It's not enough!" said Ichiko. "I need to go up to unlimited blade works!"
"It seems that you have met your match," Becky said to Ginger.
Mira suddenly eeped.
"She's not my type," said Ginger. "Now let's go. We'll leave the tribades to their demise."
"Not so fast," said Ichiko. "I've decided to take your sword."
"No way. It's gonna cost you."
"But you already gave it to me."
Becky looked in her hands. Her sword was already in the hands of the bratty girl of five foot and five inches.
"Oh, please don't do this again," said the tall and sexy nun.
"Why not?" said Ichiko. "They can always fight for me it at the Dueling Arena at Ohtori."
"Speaking of which, the Student Council have complained again about our unauthorized use of the--"
"All right you faggots!" Ichiko yelled to Becky and co. "I'm taking your sword! Come and get it at the Dueling Arena!"
Becky and the girls were watching Camille perform tribadism on Ariko, doggie-style.
"Hey," shouted Ichiko. "I'm talking to you!"
"Yeah, sure," said Becky. "We'll get it later. Damn, I can't believe it can be done that way..."
"Fine! We'll take the dog!"
Ichiko jerked HLS away by the collar.
"Sure," said Becky. "Whatever."
"We'll take this Muslim!"
Ichiko pulled Mire into a headlock.
"Be my guest," said Ginger. "Be careful though. She is a damn traitor."
"Oh Ginger," Mira muttered sadly.
Nothing was working. Ichiko had no choice but to discard her disinterested hostages and knocked Ginger out with the sheathed sword.
"I'm taking this tomboy American," said Ichiko. "Adios."
Ichiko, the nun, and Ginger had disappeared. This sent Mira into a near-berserker mode, and she nearly snapped Becky's neck off in order to get her attention.
"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe!" Mira cried. "We got to rescue Ginger!"
"She might not like it..."
"Do it now!"
Of course, Mira made Becky run outside. Actually, she carried her in her mad dash to find their pumpkin orange Volkswagen Polo III, which was towed away a while ago. She stopped a random luxury car, which looked banged up due to a delinquent teacher who had a tendency to drink a lot. Mira threw the occupants out, and stuffed HLS and Becky inside. Taking command of the wheel, she sped off.
"Ah fuck!" said Yukari, the driver of the now-stolen car. "My car!"
"How are we going to take the students to Chiyo-chan's summer home?" asked the car's passenger, Nyamo.
"Bus?"
"Mira, you're driving on the wrong side of the road," said Becky.
"Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up!" Mira screamed.
The chaos she had caused in the freeways and roadways was nothing compared to the chaos she would cause at the school.
Ohtori Academy was a prestigious academy where boys where somewhat of a lime green uniform, and girls where these colorful yet loud red and yellow-striped ties over their white blouses in addition to their pushing-the-regulation-skirts. Student councils members looked as if they came from some snotty French military. They had a pretty phallic astronomy tower where the chairman and his sister apparently sleep in--together--on the same couch. There was a weird canopy forest behind the track and field. Ohtori also had a drama club, a shadow puppet club, a zoo, a dairy farm, the prestigious Mikage Seminar Building where one-hundred schoolboys died due to some insane prick with pink hair, and drama--lots of it. Oh, and if one were to bend the rules a bit, girls were allowed to wear a boys' uniform of their own color--provided they added a skirt over their gym shorts.
In the future, Ohtori would undergo a massive renovation in which all the floors, classrooms, and chalkboards would move left, right, up, down, and diagonally hourly for artistic reasons (or for no apparent reason). A new wing of people-to-car transformation would be built to make full use of the Formula One racetrack that the school hoped to use in the circuits. Also planned for the future was an entire Disneyworld-like theme park on wheels.
It looked as if Ohtori would be renovating soon, as Mira sent the car plowing through the confused students and interrupted a handsome green haired man's kendo practice. They then crashed right through the music room, thereby destroying a piano that a blue-haired girl was laying on top of as she listened to her twin brother playing on the instrument in question. Through the halls, the car wrecked through the zoo, running over horses, cows, bulls, kangaroos, and elephants. Before it crashed into the curry storehouse, and bumped off a haughty blonde junior high girl and her elementary school page.
Becky and HLS sneezed.
"Mira," said Becky. "These boxes of curry said that they're explosive."
"I fucking hate curry!" Mira yelled. She threw an explosive chemical vial in the middle of the thrashing, and once out the storehouse exploded in a mushroom cloud of spiciness. Fortunately, it only took out the storehouse along with the nearby Mikage Seminar Building. Good thing no one was in there except for that pink-haired prick.
Meanwhile, a run-through of yet another play was being put up by the girls A-Ko, B-Ko, and C-Ko of the Shadow Puppet Club.
"Didja hear? Didja hear?" asked A-Ko, shown as a shadow on a sunset-orange wall.
"Are we going to do this shit again and talk about heavy stuff that has nothing to do with the main storyline?" asked B-Ko.
"Quit your bitching and read the damn lines. We're supposed to be make symbolic allegories of the events at hand."
"Can I be the new B-Ko?" asked C-Ko.
"Get back in the cage monkey! Now that the hell are we talking about again?"
"That symbolic allegories thing again," groaned B-Ko.
"I'm playing with myself!" exclaimed C-Ko.
"That's it," said A-Ko. "I quit. I can't work like this anymore. And besides, there's this thing..."
"What thing?" asked B-Ko.
"The truth is, I'm actually a guy... named Crispin Freeman."
"Holy shit! You are? You're helluva impressive that you can fake a little girl's voice."
"How else did I get into the voice acting business?"
"Well, I too have a confession to make. I'm also a guy... named Steve Blum."
"You too? Wow, never in my life would I meet a person who can imitate a little girl."
"Yeah. FBI often uses me to trap pedophiles."
"I have a confession too!" C-Ko exclaimed. "I am also a guy named Patrick Stewart."
"Captain Picard!" cried A-Ko and B-Ko.
"Yeah, the same."
"Unbelievable," said A-Ko. "All this time I have been working with one of the two great voice actors in the industry--and one of them is from Star Trek the Next Generation. You know, I don't think I'll quit after all. I got a little angry a while back due to the stress of having to play other roles and hiding my identity. Man, do I feel so relaxed. Okay guys, let's take this to the top and--"
"LOOK OUT!"
The shadow puppet theater collapsed due to an incoming car. The three actors were run over, and their shadow puppets were now stuck on the windshield, which Mira wiped off using the wipers.
"Mira, do you know where you are going?" Becky asked.
"The dueling arena," Mira replied. "By Allah, where the hell is it?"
"You might want to turn 'cause we're going to crash into that phallic astronomy tower!"
"What?"
As expected, crash! It was a hard hit, but not hard enough to flatten the car like an accordion. The airbags were deployed for the very first time, and its occupants slumped out like drunkards.
The ground creaked, and the tower began leaning westward almost like the Tower of Pisa. Nearby two students, a purple-haired girl who we shall call Shirori Takatsuki, and a taller, orange-haired student council member, who we shall call Juri Arisugawa, were sole witnesses of the crash that happened in the pathway between the tower and the ruined shadow puppet theater, which no one goes to anyway.
"Hey," said Juri. "Are you guys okay? Shirori, call for an ambulance."
The enraged Mira tackled Juri and began slapping and punching her.
"Where's the Dueling Arena?" Mira yelled. "Where is it?"
Mira then pumped Juri with three vials of truth serum.
"Isn't that a little too much?" asked Becky as she rubbed her head. "She's doped as much as it is."
"I'll ask again," growled Mira.
"North past the track and field inside the forbidden forest," slurred Juri. "But you need a Duelist's Ring to enter."
Having no time to remove Juri's ring, which was the Duelist Ring, Mira put her on her feet and sent her marching.
"Shirori!" Juri yelled. "I masturbate at your yearbook picture!"
Shiori's jaw dropped like that famous "The Scream" painting, and it lingered like that many minutes after Becky, Mira, HLS, and Juri disappeared from view. Rage developed in her sadomasochistic mind, and finally she screamed.
"That's it!" she yelled. "I'm going to the Mikage Seminar!"
The Mikage Seminar Building was already burning.
They had to drag Juri by the hand due to her daze-like condition caused by an overdose of truth serum. They went through the entrance of the forbidden forest and walked down a slab walkway that hung over a pool of water. They reached a dead end.
"How do we get in?" asked Becky.
"I'll blow this up if I have to," growled Mira. "Is there more curry here?"
"Ya don' need curry," slurred Juri. "Here."
She gripped the ornate handle, and drop of water horizontally fell on her rose crested Duelist Ring. A rush of water fell from the overhead gates. A metal gate closed the path from behind, and the dead end began folding unto itself to form a rose.
Unfortunately, the party was sprayed with massive douses of water. With the place nearly flooding, they had to rush in.
"Plumbing's broken," said Juri.
"We got to hurry!" Mira yelled. "To the elevator!"
"Elevator's out of order."
There was sign in the leaning elevator indicating such. The only other avenue to head to the dueling arena was a wide and spiraling staircase heading up to god knows where.
"Fuck!" cursed Mira. She grabbed Juri's hand and marched up with Becky and HLS following behind.
Then they heard singing, which sounded like: "ZETTAI; UNMEI; MOKUSHIROKU."
"Now who's singing this crap?" Mira demanded.
"The Suginami Chorus," replied Juri. "They've been kidnapped and forced to sing every time we use the stairs or elevator."
"Where are they?"
Juri motioned her head to a platform of chained, disheveled, and emancipated choir group. Mira shot each of them with tranquilizer darts, and they all collapsed to sleep.
"Thank you," said Juri.
They advanced further up, and the more they got tired from all the excitement from before. Finally, they emerged past the duelist arena gate, and discovered that they were outdoors, or perhaps in a Matrix-like virtual reality simulation. The platform was gigantic and circular, printed with a giant red rose over the mason floor. There was a spinning upside-down castle that entranced them so much that they got dizzy and threw up on the ground.
"They really oughta stop showing this shit," said Juri. "I mean come on! What is this? Fucking Disneyland?"
"You outlived your usefulness!" Mira cried. "Now where's my beloved Ginger?"
At the other end of the platform was a round table. Sitting at the table was four girls in chic seats, and a nun in pure white remained standing as their personal server. One of them was Ginger. There was Ichiko and two others, which was a tomboyish girl with long pink hair and black uniform jacket, and an Indian or Tamil girl in an Ohtori schoolgirl outfit. They were having tea and biscuits, with one cup purely alcoholic. There was also a purple monkey rat creature with big mouse ears dancing around drunk. It wore a tie just like the schoolgirl, and had a earring at his left, which in some cultures it implied that he or she was gay.
"And that's how you revolutionize the universe," said Ichiko putting down her bourbon tea. "Through absolute destruction caused by the maximized suffering of you and your partner!"
"Awesome!" clapped Ginger. "I should really do that someday! If I get a girl who won't BETRAY ME!"
Mira was hurt again. She slumped to ground, for all her drive and rage had escaped her.
"Anthy," said the pink-haired girl. "I really gotta say; you have the most kookiest friends."
"Don't you like them Utena-sama?" said Anthy, the brown-skinned Indian or Tamil girl.
"I do, but..."
"It's all right," said the nun. "They may talk big, but they will never cause the destruction of the universe and the breaking of reality."
"I guess you're right."
"Would you like more tea Oscar?"
"I'm Utena."
"Sorry. You two do look alike."
"That's all right."
"Utena!" cried Anthy. "Miss Wolfe has arrived."
"Took you so fucking long," said Ichiko rising. She then threw far across the dueling arena into Becky's hands the sheathed Tsukiseiki.
"You can't give it back!" Ginger cried. "You gotta charge her!"
"Which means I'm charging you in the end. Lalah Sune!"
"I'm Anthy," said Anthy.
"Whatever. God, you Indians look so much fucking alike. The roses please."
"Yes Miss Siva."
From the vase, Anthy gathered up a bunch of white roses and headed over to lapel it on Becky's left breast. Then her right breast. Then her shoulders, her knees, her feet, her wrists, her elbows, her butt, her waist sides, her hair, her ears, her collar, and finally ending right above her groin. Twenty-one roses total. Then Anthy went back to Ichiko to lapel one single white rose on her shirt pocket.
"What the hell is going on?" Becky asked. "I look like a fruit now!"
"We're dueling," Ichiko grinned. "Think you're lez enough to wield that Tsukiseiki?"
"Why dueling?"
"I placed a bet on you Sis," grinned Ginger. "If you win, I get loads of money. If you lose, I get more loads of money. And if you die, I'll rule the world! But not with miss TRAITOR over there."
"I'm sorry," Mira whimpered in fetal position by the parapet.
"The rules are thus," said Ichiko. "Any duelist who loses all her roses from her body loses the duel."
"But what's in it for me?"
"If you win, I won't kill you and your friends. If you lose... well, just don't lose. Horrible things happen when I have my sword. Selo!"
"Yes Ichiko dear?" answered the nun.
"Summon my Cross Sword!"
"Yes dear."
Selo took a deep breath and pushed out her boob-endowed chest.
"Oh noble Melfa," she recited. "I summon your dark power."
Light flowed to form a ball of light just above her cleavage apex point. When it was sizable, it glowed with bright intensity and overwhelmed Selo so much that she allowed herself to fall backwards. Ichiko appeared to her side to catch her time, but the method of which nearly looked like she almost kissed her.
A sword's handle ejected from the ball of light, and Ichiko pulled it up. Everyone was expecting a sword, but never did they witness a cringing sight of what was about to inspire. The blade kept on getting longer and wider like a cancer, and it began dwarfing everyone in the dueling platform. Bigger still it grew, and it took the shape of a wide and living black lance composed of countless blade "feathers" that breathed in and out. It kept on growing until it knocked into the spinning upside-down castle, which then ground to a halt. Gears, axles, and stones fell from the sky, causing everyone except Anthy, Ichiko, Selo, and that purple monkey thing to panic.
When it was done, the gargantuan lance-blade slammed onto the ground, causing the platform to tilt significantly towards its weight. Everyone and everything slide, except for Anthy, Ichiko, and Selo.
"Now you're done for!" Ichiko cried.
Selo shook her head as she came too. "Dear Ichiko," said Selo. "Don't you think that's too big?"
"Too big? Fuck no bitch! We wielded one the size of a galaxy!"
"But we're not at space anymore. Nor are we the main characters."
"Oh fine. Let me just pick one of the feathers here."
In one tug, Ichiko pulled out a mini-lance blade that quickly transformed a black sword with a cross-hilt. Anthy then procured a boom box and pressed play on the tape function.
Then there were bells. Wedding bells.
"Who's getting married?" Becky asked.
With the beginning of a cryptic gothic song from a musical--the music was coming from the boom box--Ichiko flew in and already deflowered Becky thrice--that is, she knocked out three of the roses. Becky quickly parried Ichiko with the more resilient and stronger Tsukiseiki.
"You're too slow!" Ichiko yelled. She pushed her opponent back.
Suddenly, a two-seater convertible car grew out of the ground like a mad gopher right underneath Becky, sending her flying in the air.
"Where'd that fucking car come from?" Becky yelled.
Ichiko took advantage of another car popping from out of the ground to launch herself up, and took out three more roses off of Becky. Becky then landed on a pile of school desks that each had a draft manuscript of New Era Angel of Depression 0 on top. The pages were torn apart as Ichiko cut her way like a madwoman on a safari hunt, and she took out three more roses from Becky.
Twelve left. At the same time, Mira, Juri, Anthy, and Utena sat a wide couch that inexplicably appeared out of nowhere. HLS was staring at the purple monkey thingy, who kept saying "chuuu" at almost every two seconds.
"Yo Utena," slurred Juri, still doped up on thrice the dosages of truth serum. "I really, really, really, REALLY hate your fucking guts, ya know? I mean, are you trying to be some kind cunty upstart? Dressing up like a boy and all that? You think you're all noble if you bend the fucking rules just so you can wear a boy's jacket and skirt that covers your gym shorts? But you know what? I wouldn't mind fucking your eyes out if it weren't for that Indian or Tamil girl sitting next to you.
"Speaking of which, Anthy. No offense, but you scare the shit out of me! And that Chuchu thingamajig. I speak for everyone when I say this: what the hell is that thing? Is it a mouse? A monkey? What is it? Speaking of which, where is that damn thing?"
HLS then walked by gagging. She coughed out a drool-infested tie, and then an earring.
Distracted the by sudden appearance of chalk tracing of the murdered on the ground, Becky lost four more roses. She then backed into the very edge of platform where a parapet ran along the perimeter.
"You might not want to stand there," said Ichiko.
"Huh?"
WHACK! Becky was hit by a speeding two-seater convertible driving at a wheelie by none other than Ginger. Losing four roses, she was sent flying again, and seeing the massive blade lance still in place (and still dangerously tilting the platform) she stabbed her sword to slow herself down for the descent.
"I've lots of money riding on you!" Ginger yelled from the car. "Don't die on me yet! You have to take the fall later!"
It felt cold. Becky leaped off before she suffered hypothermia, and that was when Ichiko shot from below and lobbed off two more roses.
"You're not using your 'Secret Techniques'," grinned Ichiko. "Oh yeah. You can't because you're losing! You're not fit to wield the Tsukiseiki!"
Becky had cut her arm to block Ichiko from cutting one of the last two roses from her left nipple. She ran off, leaping over the school desks like a hurdle jumper, and dodging the gears and castle debris so she could hide in the forest of gopher convertibles jutting from the ground.
"Damn, that bitch is good," said Becky. "I got to come up with a plan--or a miracle."
Unbeknownst to her, the headlights of the gopher convertibles lit up towards the upside-down Disneyland castle. Something ghostly in the form of an Indian or Tamil prince with white hair and white uniform descended from one of the castle's towers and aimed straight for Becky in order to possess her.
Becky, however, saw the ghost. She shrieked at the sight and immediately cut it in half.
"Aw, no possession!" Becky yelled. "Get away! Get away! Get away! Call the Ghostbusters!"
She began hacking the ghost into ectoplasmic pieces, the likes of which Anthy and the others had just saw.
"Shit, she's gone and done it!" Utena cried.
"Ay, Dios mio!" Anthy yelled.
As the pieces of the ghost-man gagged and jiggled like Jello gelatin, Ichiko took this opportunity to surprise Becky and slice of another rose. Becky now had one left incontinently located above her crotch.
"One more left," cackled Ichiko. "It looks like you're going to be totally deflowered bitch."
Becky gripped her sword with both hands, and closed her eyes to concentrate. After one deep breath, she charged forward, and thus Ichiko did the same. Ichiko threw herself to the ground allowing her to slide down the incline with her Cross Sword pointing up in a bid to "deflower" Becky like a sharkfin. However, Becky quickly countered by throwing one of her throwing knives, knocking out Ichiko's white rose out of her pocket.
Then there were wedding bells. Again. Ichiko remained laying on the floor stunned.
"I lost," she said.
"Kind of stupid of you to do that on a rough surface," said Becky.
"But it was supposed to be oiled!"
"I had to wash it off this morning," smiled Anthy.
"You suck! You all suck!"
At the same time, Ginger screeched the convertible to a stop in front of the couch.
"Ah, crap you won!" she said. "I mean, it's great that you won Sis! Now where's my money Oscar and Lala?"
"Utena," said Utena.
"Anthy," said Anthy.
"And who said we were betting?"
"I did," said Ginger. "Just now."
"Sorry, but I'm just a poor student living at the dorms."
"I live with my brother," said Anthy.
"I've got money," said Mira.
"Oh, dear me," said Ginger. "Of all the fake companies I created, it seems that I don't have a business card for TRAITOR'S BANK! Sorry Paki, we're fucking closed!"
"Oh..."
"Anyway, let's get the hell out of here while we burn the whole place."
"Not yet," said Becky. "You there!"
Everyone looked at Selo, the target of Becky's sword.
"Yeah, you! Draw out your weapon!"
"I am sorry Miss Wolfe," said Selo, "but I do not partake in the sins of violence."
"Drop the act! I have already proved your worth, but now I need to prove myself and this sword!"
"Miss Karuki," said Anthy. "Please don't."
Selo sighed. She removed her veil and headgear to reveal a long flowing black hair. Her expression changed that to serious, and she marched over to Ichiko.
"Wait, I can still take her on!" Ichiko cried. "Just give me one more chance."
"I need to borrow you," said Selo.
"Don't go in there! Stop!"
What transpired was odd and erotic. Selo's head was hidden inside Ichiko's long skirt. Something was happening for many minutes, as Ichiko was thrashing and moaning.
"There it is," said Selo.
A flash of light poured out of Ichiko's skirt. Selo backed away slowly, and during which she was pulling the shaft of a weapon. She finally stood on her feet to hold into the air for everyone to cower in fear towards.
"Utena," said Anthy. "Hold me."
Utena embraced her friend and roommate. Mira, on the other hand, turned towards Ginger, who was also scared.
"No!" Ginger cried to her. "Utena, hold me too!"
Defeated once more.
The weapon Selo held was beautiful and most certainly deadly. It was a single-bladed scythe weapon, and jutting from its sides were two living angel's wings that flapped and molted feathers of light.
"What do you call your weapon of choice?" Becky asked.
"This is my partner," said Selo. "The Winged Scythe."
"I see."
"I'll show no mercy, even to a core member of The Order."
"I don't expect you to."
"Ichiko!"
"Look, I don't mind you destroying another universe like last time," Ichiko said.
"Rose please."
"Eep."
Ichiko caught a black rose Anthy tossed over to her, and then she clipped it onto Selo's chest. She ran off to hide behind the couch, which was slowly sliding towards the weight of the massive black blade lance. Anthy, Utena, Ginger, and HLS hid as well.
The wings on Selo's Winged Scythe glowed brighter, and a intense reverse-pressure of energy flowed into the weapon. Becky confidently stood her ground with her Tsukiseiki in a ready position.
"Now the real fight begins," grinned Selo.
The wings flapped, and Selo crossed blades with Becky with an impact that blew almost everything off the ground. The convertible gopher cars were torn apart. The desks flew up in the air via multiple whirlwinds. Pages of the New Era Angel of Depression draft manuscripts were torn from their binding. The dog and the girls stuffed themselves in the working convertible trying to get it to start. The entire platform was now tilting over, and the massive blade lance finally pulverized the upside-down Disneyland castle and toppled over.
"That's it!" cried Ginger as she pulled out a cellular phone. "I'm calling the Real Ghostbusters!"
"You stole my phone!" cried Utena.
As it turned out, the dueling arena was very convincing and elaborate illusion created by a large astro-projector, yet the fights were real, and the power Becky and Selo emitted as Tall, Dark, Bishoujos were also real and destructive. It was enough to make everything sink, destroy all matter of gears and underground parking garages, and the fight eventually imploded the forbidden forest.
It was at the decisive moment amidst the orgy of destruction that Becky had unknowingly unleashed a secret technique that she did not have a name for. It was like Darryl Güse's most powerful move, the Dragon Era Buster, and created a controllable vortex that pulverized the non-living. That move was enough to take off the rose from Selo's chest. Unfortunately though, Becky's rose had fallen off her groin minutes before. It didn't matter anyway on who lost or won.
They emerged from the rubble of the aftermath relatively unscathed. Was it a dream that had happened? No one knew for sure, because Ichiko and Selo were not found.
"Becky," said Mira. "Did you know those two?"
"No," said Becky. "I don't know the full roster of The Order, but I can sense she was very much like the rest of the core members."
"The power that woman emitted was the greatest thing I have experienced. It almost felt as if I saw my life flashing before my eyes, including the life I am about to life. It was if I saw through the eye of Allah."
Mira looked a Ginger, who was using HLS as a crutch as she walked across the smoldering ruins.
"Hey have you seen Chuchu?" Utena asked. "Anthy and I can't find him."
HLS gagged and coughed up a wad spit with purple hairs mixed into them.
"Sorry, I didn't notice," said Becky. "And sorry about the forest arena thingy."
"It's all right," said Anthy. "My brother is planning to remodel the whole school."
"Then I'll help you!" Ginger cried. "Gather up the gasoline and curry! Let's burn this place down!"
"While I didn't cause it," said Becky, "it seems that you're already too late."
"What do you mean?"
Ginger turned around. Ohtori was burning, and the leaning astronomy tower was leaning more than ever. Multiple explosions rang out due to the unusual amount of curry storehouses, and the animals ran wild and trampled over a blond chick who had an unusual fixation with her red-haired older brother.
"It can't be," gasped Ginger.
"What, you changed your mind and wanted to save it?" Becky asked.
"No! I wanted to burn down the school! Who did this?"
Mira raised her hand.
"I hate you!"
Ginger ran off wailing. After bidding Utena and Anthy goodbye, Becky, Mira, and HLS followed Ginger and disappeared.
A bus finally pulled up the only bustop closest to Ohtori. Gyrating their hips to the tune of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin, three men took their time dancing out of the vehicle. The first was a tall red-haired man who dotes or toys with his little sister's head about him not being her brother. The second was a white-haired Indian and Tamil man in black slacks and a red shirt. The third was sunglasses-wearing leather clad man who looked like one of the Village People.
"These are some great moves!" said Akio, the Indian or Tamil guy. "I should make you part of the Student Council--hence the End of the World."
"Wooooo!" screamed Hard Gay, the man in the leather hot pants.
Then they stopped. Touga, the red-haired man, was the first to notice. Akio followed, but Hard Gay kept on dancing, or rather gyrating his hips in a semi-obscene way.
"My school!" cried Akio. "What happened to my school?"
Finally, the leaning astronomy tower collapsed. Metaphorically speaking, Akio and all other chauvinistic male egos and domination also collapsed like dysfunctional pensises.
Luckily, all the students, teachers, and staff had survived, including that blond brother-complex girl who keeps on getting run over by animals (mainly elephants) and who also had weird shit happening to her at every turn. With almost all her bones broken, she was placed in a full body cast and sped off to the nearest hospital with her three cronies and her young statutory-rape page accompanying her. It seemed that the survivors used the not-often used bus stop as a gather spot.
"Juri you got to calm yourself down," said the blue-haired piano player and part-time fencer Miki.
"Ya know Miki," slurred Juri. "I can see that you're pimpin' with the ladies and the dudes. In fact, I would not hesitate to fuck you on the spot if your twincestuous sister wasn't here. The only thing holding me back is that you have a dick. You have a dick 'cause you're a fucking dick. A fucking dick!"
Miki and Karou caught their breath at the bus stop at the top of the hill where the shocked trio had beheld the burning school. Juri glared at Akio, Touga, and Hard Gay, and had this to say to them:
"AND YOU THREE ARE FAGGOTS!"
She was right.
Just then, a white American hearse painted white and red pulled up to the bus stop. Out of this modified contraption of a car came four middle-aged men, one of them black, each of whom were wearing identical uniforms and had backpack-mounted technological gear connected to a gun-like device they held in their hands.
"Did someone call us?" asked the man who looked suspiciously like Bill Murray.
"There's a ghost!" Juri yelled, pointing at Akio. "Right there!"
The four men fired their gun like devices, and thus shot out some positronic plasma energy that only erotically tickled Akio. Offending and having enough of this (since they had to travel non-stop from New York to Japan), they proceeded to beat Akio with their devices, and then shoved him into the hearse-like vehicle. They drove off, with Touga and the others waving goodbye, and Hard Gay striking out his arms saying, "Wooooooooooo!" Those four men, the Real Ghostbusters by the way, would attempt to contain Akio in the Ecto-Containment Unit, despite him possessing a physical body and not a ghost body.
Juri never remembered what happened that day, but she wondered why her beloved Shirori was angry with her. Shirori had told her on the day before she left the country that she would be joining the criminal organization known as the Aphrodite Evolution.
Title: Ginger Gets Bored
[Author's notes: Psychedelic Orgy Mode! The Return of Endnotes!]
Title: Spicy Special #4 - The Crowbar and the Bat
[Author's notes:
Sakura framed in the Maromi Murder? Tomoeda has a prison? Yue needs shoes?
Tomoyo's got a crowbar, and she's not afraid to use it!
]Title: Ginger Goes Back to School
Title: Becky Wolfe: A Fuddled Fairy Tale, Part 1
[Author's notes: Starcross is halfway of the hiatus bed! What's this about Mount Yuri?]
Mother Güse Must Die
Chapter 25 - Becky Wolfe: A Fuddled Fairy Tale, Part 1
"I see," nodded Azuma. "So the Blond Order have arrived."
"I think they mean to drive all of us out from Japan," said Lillis.
"Yes. After much persecution, our sacred homeland and our last bastion have been tainted. We of the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo must fight back."
"And how do I fit into this?" Becky asked. "Aren't you also descended from the Prime Bijin?"
"We are, but the crucial element here is that you are Red-chan's chosen one."
"How can I know for sure if I am the one?"
"You know Becky. You know."
"Becky isn't sure?" Ginger said, barging into the sitting room. "Well, I guess we could run some tests to make sure if Becky is the chosen one in this plot, but I know for a fact and Red-chan and I are the destined pair."
"But I thought I was your destined mate," Mira said, following Ginger.
"For the nth time, you don't qualify," said Becky.
"Yes I do!" Ginger cried. She turned around to put on a wig over her short hair. Now for the first time in a while Mira wasn't aroused with Ginger's look, which was a hackneyed version of a Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo.
"I already got the height and the hair!" Ginger cried, standing on top of a footstool, which turned out to be Hatsumi suffering quietly on all fours.
"You don't even have a sword," said Becky.
"I don't right now, but I got this!"
Ginger held up a letter-opener--not the knife kind, but a rectangular type with a small blade at the inside.
"A letter opener," said Azuma.
"Once I kill your daughter, this letter opener will be the baddest-assed sword in the whole world!"
"You already got twenty of those," said Becky.
"Yeah, but those are all duds compared to yours and sensei's. I mean, who in the right mind would think a toothpick would make a great sword when bathed in green spooky light."
"The idiot who keeps killing Hatsumi."
"Becky," said Azuma, "I don't need to tell you once that you need to stop your--"
"Huttah!" Ginger cried.
From the top, Ginger stabbed Hatsumi's head with the point of the oh-so-modern letter opener. The pain was sharp, but not painful enough to fell Hatsumi. In fact, Ginger could only get a cute "ow" from her. But that did not prevent Azuma-sensei from spanking Becky, and Becky in turn spanked Ginger.
"Spanking aside," said Mira, "have Miss Wolfe's training been completed?"
"It's practically done," said Azuma as she rubbed her spanking hand. "But we have run into a little snag."
"That is?"
"The ultimate technique requires two swords, one being the Tsukiseiki, and one being its equal."
"Can't I just borrow your sword sensei?" asked Becky, as she rubbed her spanking hand and spanked ass.
"Um, no. It's mine. Besides, it wouldn't be compatible with you."
"But the test was successful!"
"It wasn't. Though we were able to blow a big hole on Mount Fuji, it was only a small fraction of the power of the ultimate technique. That is why you need another Tsukiseiki so to speak."
"You got to be kidding me! I've already busted my butt getting Ariko to make me one, and I don't want some brat taking it for the sole purpose of testing me."
"Relax," said Lillis the blond. "Hazuki-chan and I come up with an alternative plan."
"More like you came up with the plan," said Azuma.
"Does it involve beating up faceless hentai dudes?" said Becky.
"No, not quite," said Lillis. "But you will have to travel to another world."
"So we're going on another interdimensional field trip?" Ginger asked.
"No hat for you!" Azuma cried.
"Let's just say you're going to multiply the Tsukiseiki with little effort, relatively speaking," Lillis said. "No hat this time."
"How so?" asked Mira.
"You all know that Tokyo is home to a number of different portals to other worlds--some of which were fortunately salvaged from the burning of the Great Library. There is one that will take you to a world where you can get the Tsukiseiki of the past."
"Woot!" Ginger cried. "Time-travel!"
"Don't get too excited," smirked Azuma. "One of our core members, Yuuko Ichihara the Dimensional Witch, has informed us that everything you will do in the past will have no chaotic effect in the present and future. In fact, you were meant to go back in time to screw things up to create the world we live in now."
"Hitsuzen it must be," said Becky. "There are no coincidences, only inevitability."
"Woot!" Ginger cried once more. "I'm allowed to mess with the past!"
"Lillis, prepare Becky and her companions for the trip to Tokyo." said Azuma.
Becky was a bit miffed when a prototype Volkswagen New Beetle was provided, but she agreed to it when it turned out to be yellow in color. It happened to be lent from Sei Satou, honorary member of The Order.
Money, food, one-night's change of clothing, and camping gear were packed in the tiny trunk, not that they needed it. It was just good courtesy on Azuma's part, for the fate of the world, as it had been unintended, hinges on Becky facing off against Darryl Güse in the ultimate tribade showdown.
"Please don't fail where I have Becky," said Azuma.
"I don't think you have sensei," said Becky. "You have a wonderful wife and daughter."
"We're so love-love!" Lillis exclaimed as she grope-hugged Azuma.
"Yeah, sure," winced Azuma. "Things haven't been going well since Lillis and I had that one-night stand at sixteen. Damn it. I was supposed to make love to Hatsumi-chan."
"What?" Becky said.
"Uh, nothing! Becky, keep your eyes at Ginger."
Becky turned around to see the wig-less Ginger whistling with her hands behind her back.
"I have to," said Becky. "Otherwise, she'll cause too much shit in the past."
"No, she has to do whatever she has to do," said Azuma. "No wait, you two just have to act naturally. You and your group's actions are crucial to the present."
"That's right!" said Ginger. "Everything I do now is crucial to the future!"
"Shut up Gingerbrat," said Becky, "and get in the backseat."
Becky, Mira, Ginger, and their dog HLS boarded the yellow bug, and waved goodbye. Since it was a manual transmission, it took a while to get into first gear. Immediately afterward, Ginger threw a metal boomerang that slashed Hatsumi's head wide open. Blood and a green glow poured from Hatsumi's being until she collapsed, and then vanished in a flash.
"Score!" Ginger yelled.
"REBECCA!" Azuma yelled.
"Floor it!" Becky cried.
Becky was the one driving, of course, and she sped off as fast as the car could carry her and her companions before Azuma could chase her using her good yet dark powers. Luckily, she crashed the vehicle in a manga café in the middle of Shibuya, and ran off before the police arrived.
"That was a close call," said Becky. "Damn it Ginger. Why do you have to do that?"
"But I wanted to empower my boomerang," said Ginger. "And it's not just any old boomerang. It's the Mad Max Collectible Edition that feral kid used in the movie."
"Great. There's no way I'm going back to Sensei unless I'm going to get a spanking."
Becky's cellphone beeped, and she didn't realize she had one. She took it out the schlong-shaped device and checked the text message she received. It simply read:
BECKY
SPANK GINGER
OR ELSE
-SENSEI
"What did it say?" Ginger asked.
The question was answered right when Becky spanked Ginger in the middle of the busy sidewalk. It was around that time that the new camera cellphones were put to full use, thus starting a revolution and controversy across the world. At the same time, HLS shagged the prime minister's shi tzu that happened to be walked by the prime minister's wife.
"Where is this portal to the past?" Mira asked once the spanking and the dog-shagging was done. "Ginger, do you know?"
"I don't know every nook and cranny of this city," said Ginger, rubbing her butt. "Besides, I just let Hinoto and the Dragons of Heaven run things around1."
"Not to worry," said Becky, lotioning her hand. "I have the map of the place in the glove compartment in the car."
Before they knew it, the yellow Volkswagen New Beetle was towed away from the ruins of the manga café.
"We're doomed," said Ginger.
"Have faith in me Ginger," said Becky. "Sensei made a backup copy she left in my pants pocket. Here it is!"
Becky pulled out a crumpled piece of paper she held before her companions' eyes. Then the wind blew it away and slammed into the face of a Japanese salaryman, who then walked into traffic, causing a massive three-car pileup. The paper flew off his bloodied face and the man ended up in a yakitori restaurant, which was mistakenly skewered along with the rest of meat. That wood skewer of delicious goodness was then eaten by a man who looked suspiciously like Freddie Mercury, who then went back to school at Cromartie High School to sing and then suddenly throw up literally inside a student named Mechazawa.
"Don't worry lezzies!" Becky cried. "I have it memorized!"
"Fucking..." Mira said.
"...doomed," said Ginger.
"Arf!" said HLS.
So began one of many montages in Mother Güse Must Die, if not the Gingerverse saga. They went into a Victorian house, the sight of the mysterious 5-hour disappearance of four children. The owner and resident, an old man who we shall call "Lewis", was knocked unconscious and had his house robbed right after he allowed Becky and her crew in for tea and crumpets.
"He was a pedophile," Ginger used as an excuse.
"Whatever," said Becky. "Just go look for the damn portal."
"This looks strange," said Mira, pointing at a strange wardrobe inside an empty room. "There's snow on the floor."
"That's it!" Ginger cried. "It's a time machine! We'll just dial in the time period and..."
"It's not a phone booth Gingerbrat," said Becky. "Hurry and get in. I don't want to take too much time in this dank place that reeks of old man smell."
So the girls and HLS went inside and became floundered with a seeming forest of fur coats made from murdered Narnian creatures. It was arousing too, so they had a quick threesome and recorded it, while HLS peed at the strange lampost right before she chomped on the crotch of the strange satyr or faun wearing a gaudy-striped scarf...
Five hours had passed. Becky, Ginger, Mira, and HLS emerged as if they took a long vacation.
"It's been a year, and I still can't believe you shagged the Ice Queen," said Ginger, who now wore a lion-skin cloak over her back.
"White Witch," said Becky. "White Witch."
"Also known as Ivanna Trump. Well, I'll have to thank you for doing so. She's become less cold and the most successful businesswoman of all of Narnia. Just think, they'll be resorts, casinos, and even a Formula One racetrack. Next, there'll be brothels."
"I feel sorry for those four children though," said Mira.
"Yeah, but I had Sis kill the lion just for eating them."
"We wasted enough time already!" Becky cried. "To the next portal!"
They followed Becky's lack of direction because they didn't care or they just didn't want to tell that she was wrong for the nth time.
"There it is!" Becky said. "Right there!"
They arrived at a more modern house, and just outside the front gate was a handsome yet timid high school student who had a gift under his arm. His finger hovered over the doorbell hesitant to push for fear of being rejected, and his throat lumped in all nervousness.
"This time for sure," he said. "I'll tell her my true feelings!"
Whack! He was struck down by a mighty blow of the gold-plated Gingerbat, and was quickly relieved of his gift of girly sweatbands and his wallet.
"Yamamoto of ______ High School," said Ginger, reading through his ID card. "Hmm..."
Becky barged through the gate and then rang on the doorbell at the front door. Answering it was a bespectacled girl who was holstering a lacrosse stick behind her.
"Hi, we're the closet inspectors," said Becky.
"Closet inspectors?" asked the girl. "They have those?"
"Yes! We're here on a call from your neighbor that there are two people--two men I mean, living in one of your closets or similar having sex when it is quiet and eating your food. If we don't inspect soon, they'll do it while you're having dinner or watching yaoi anime. It's a moral travesty I tell you!"
"Sis, that has got to be the stupidest excuse of all," said Ginger.
"All right, I confess, we got to search your house for portals."
"Are you robbers?" asked the girl.
"Look, we only need to--"
"Fuck yeah we're robbing your house!" cried Ginger.
"Oh no!" cried the girl.
"No, we're not robbing your house," said Becky. "We already did that elsewhere, but that's because the old British man was a pedophile, when he really wasn't. Oh, forget it. Mira, sedate her."
Mira fired her blowdart, and the girl collapsed and fell asleep right before Ginger groped her for her wallet.
They did not have to go far to find a suspicious portal of any kind. It was in the storage room, and inside there was mirror shining unearthly power from underneath its cover. There was also a black raven's feather on the floor.
"Jackpot!" Becky cried. "Let's go in!"
Five hours later, they emerged from the glowing enchanted mirror suffering from scratches, bruises, and sexily-torn clothes. Their eyes were bloodshot from whatever horror they had suffered, and Mira, the most religious, had ran out of prayers from all the major religions to relieve her suffering.
"There is no Allah," she said. "No God, no Yaweh, nothing! These demonic dolls!"
They were not alone. Strewn across the ground were five elegant brown suitcases made in Europe a long time ago.
"You just had to fulfill the contract with them," Becky said to Ginger. "Several of them!"
"I wasn't the one who conned them through sexy wiles," said Ginger. "I mean, who couldn't resist doll joints?"
"These things are dangerous and can drive nations mad. We got to do something with them."
The three girls had a bright idea.
"Hey," said the girl that was sedated five hours ago. "What's going on?"
Mira sedated her again with her blow dart. Afterwards, she helped Becky, Ginger, and even HLS take the five suitcases into a post office and sent them off to Seoul, South Korea.
"There," said Becky. "Now South Korea can protect themselves from the North. Now let's go find another portal!"
"Damn it Sis!" said Ginger. "Just face it! You're lost!"
"Why can't you just go back to Azuma Sensei and apologize?" Mira asked.
"Because I wasn't the one who killed Hatsumi yet again!" exclaimed Becky.
"You're just afraid that you'll get spanked again," Ginger smiled.
Without provocation, Ginger was spanked one more time in the middle of the post office.
"Anyway," said Becky upon lotioning her hand again, "I finally remember the exact name of the place."
"When did you start lotioning your hands after spanking?" Ginger asked.
"It's not too far away. As a matter of fact, it's right here!"
"You're not answering my question Sis."
"Let's go!"
"Hey!"
Ginger, Mira, and HLS chased Becky into the grounds of a Japanese shrine. There was a building at the very back that was locked, but the lock was easily broken off with one hack of the Tsukiseiki. The girls and their dog faced a square well.
"So we just jump in?" asked Mira. "It's deep, but not too deep."
"Never know unless we try," said Becky.
One-by-one, they went in.
Time passes relative to no scale in the past or in the present. But when Becky and her companions emerged, they looked as if they endured a war, but not a normal one. They looked, tired, and annoyed at what they had to face in the portal they passed through.
"That wasn't the past," said Ginger. "That was Bizarro World."
"Mecca full of nothing but bohemian slackers," mumbled Mira. "London a Shi'a stronghold. And Las Vegas is a but a giant conglomerate congregation of corporate megachurches."
"I could have sworn this was the place," said Becky. "Sensei did mention a shrine with an enchanted well."
"Damn it Sis! You should have told us that before! I thought you lived in Japan! top of that, why did we have to bring her back?"
Standing with her one palm above her chest was a head-shaved bespectacled female monk who looked like a sexy Dali Llama with cleavage.
"Grace," said the monk-girl.
"I can't help it," said Mira. "She's your Bizarro self."
"You prefer her over me?" said Ginger, pointing to Bizarro Ginger. "She's fucking celibate!"
"I did partake in carnal pleasure once before my conversion," said Bizarro Ginger. "Lesbian I might add."
"We can't do anything about it," said Becky. "We destroyed B-Ginger's world in fit of mild annoyance, so I guess we have to take her along."
"Isn't that great?" said Mira. "We can have a threesome with B-Ginger."
"I'm celibate," said B-Ginger.
"I don't wanna!" yelled Evil Ginger. "She's too much of a prude."
"You didn't kill her," said Mira.
"She can't die! Watch!"
Ginger whacked her alternate universe self many times with her Gingerbat, which now became bent into an "L". B-Ginger simply stood and meditated for Ginger's salvation while glowing ever brighter.
"Damn it," cursed Ginger. "Sis, find the right shrine or else."
As they resumed their search, B-Ginger had performed many miracles along the way, mainly restore people's virginity, however that was possible, and young children's virginity, which I would rather not dwell on how that happened. B-Ginger's messianic acts soon drew a crowd that Ginger pickpocketed before leaving her in the park.
"Finally!" Becky cried. "We're here!"
"This better be," huffed Ginger after carrying trashbags of wallets, purses, cellphones, and digital cameras. Mira and HLS also helped with carrying the loot.
"It is, and I finally remembered the name: the Higurashi shrine."
"Fine. Whatever. Whoop-dee-doo. Lady Tetrarch would really be happy."
"Greetings ladies!" said the shrine's head priest, an old and shifty man. "Are you here to come to offer your prayers? Or perhaps you can purchase our one-of-a-kind Shikon Jewel souvenir?"
"We're here to find a well that can take us to the past," said Becky.
The old man turned pale.
"You must be mistaken," said he. "There is no well like that."
"Grandpa!" yelled a schoolgirl carrying a stuffed yellow backpack. "I'm going to the past now! Tell my friends that I'm sick again."
"So there is a well," said Becky.
"Don't mind my granddaughter! She is mentally ill and has an active imagination!"
"I am so not mentally ill!" cried the schoolgirl.
"All right! Then you have genital herpes."
"Don't tell me you told that to my friends!"
"I told worse! First it was AIDS, and then it was breast cancer. Regardless, I'm trying to not tell them about your trips to the past!"
"Oh forget it! Inuyasha is going to be pissed if I don't bring him his daily regimen of pork rinds."
"It's not that he's after! Don't you understand young men these days! Kagome!"
The girl had then disappeared in the old Japanese building in the back.
"That crazy girl," grumbled the old man. "Having AIDS, herpes, and breast cancer has really affected her head. So anyway, will you be offering prayers? Donations perhaps?"
"Not today," said Becky, pushing him aside. The others followed, but Ginger lingered behind ready to bop the old priest with her L-shaped Gingerbat. Then she changed her mind and followed her friends and lovers into the building.
B-Ginger approached the shrine with her masses of followers, one sinister blonde, two goofy villains in "R" costumes, and one strange-looking cat blended with the crowd...
What transpired was a psychedelic wormhole of a blue background and white stripes. When they realized it, Becky, Mira, and HLS were standing right-side-up, whereas Ginger was ass-side-up, much to Mira's delight.
They all climbed up a vine rope to behold a purer and clean-aired version of Tokyo, Japan unencumbered by pedestrians, Las Vegas neon, and schoolgirls in sailor fuku skirts. It was a beautiful country of forests and kilometers of farmland. Even Mount Fuji was still in one piece after the poor thing was demolished one too many times in this country's near present.
"Okay gals and bitch," said Becky. "Do what Azuma-sensei says and act fresh."
"Don't you mean act natural?" said Mira.
"Something like that. Act natural."
"Demon!" yelled a villager.
"Yôkai!" yelled another.
From the trees lunged a massive snake-like creature with red scales and a skull-like head.
"I thought there won't be any tentacle monsters here," said Mira.
"This is Japan we're talkin' about!" Becky cried. "Secret Technique Howling Half-Moon Slash!"
In one slice Becky destroyed the creature, which then disintegrated in black and purple particle clumps. Apparently, she had just saved a group of peasant villagers who just happened to be in harm's way.
"Demon!" pointed a villager.
"Don't you mean yôkai?" said the other villager.
Becky and Mira readied their armaments and stood back-to-back waiting for another attack from the creature they had just killed. Nothing happened, except a rock struck Ginger's face.
Off to the side, they saw Ginger crouched and cowering due to all the rocks and sticks pelting her.
"Sis!" Ginger cried. "Mira! Help me!"
The two women and their dog ran to her aid.
"What are you doing?" asked Mira.
"We're driving off this demon!" said the balding villager.
"Aye, she is not one," spoke an elderly miko or priestess who had her bow and arrow in hand. Her left eye was covered by a black eye patch.
"Finally, some sense in this medieval country!" said Mira.
"But this girl is evil, so she must die!" The old priestess took aim.
Mira stood in the arrow's path. "She's not evil!"
"Oh yeah she is," said Becky.
"Well... Ginger is like, ridiculously evil... in a good way! And she'll behave herself, right Ginger?"
"I'll behave," Ginger said cutely.
"Squee!" Mira dropped her guns and pounced Ginger to the ground.
"I do not know what ye meant by this 'ridiculously evil in a good way', but I do not sense any hostilities...yet," said the priestess. "And dear god, what are ye two women doing?"
"You'll get used to it," said Becky.
Many things had happened at the same time when the trio of destruction and their dog arrived from the future...
In the forest, a miko priestess with long dark hair in a ponytail walked amongst a cadre of ethereal eel-like creatures carrying balls of blue fire that were souls. She had a melancholy look on her face, as if dead, but in reality she was the living dead.
A long time ago, a witch merged her remains with a clay doll, which turned into her present form. A fragment of her soul had returned to her, and now she wandered around to torment her love that had been separated her from decades.
If you saw this on television, which it might never be, there would be a scroll, written in Japanese no less, of the woman's name. Her name was Kikyo, but that wouldn't be necessary for fans of the show.
"The timelines are merging," said Kikyo. "Something is about to happen, and yet I sense a great evil."
She blushed and covered her mouth.
"Those licentious fools."
In another forest, or at a different part of the forest, a young human girl (scroll reads "Rin") rides atop of a two-headed beast (scroll reads "Ah-un"). Accompanying them was an ugly imp (scroll reads "Jaken") carrying a two-headed staff, and an exceedingly handsome and effeminate man, or rather yôkai (scroll reads "stuff that fangirls fap at", I mean "Sesshomaru") with snow-white hair possessing one arm, though his stub of a left arm was covered by his kimono-like clothes.
One of the heads on Jaken's staff moaned sexually.
"What's that sound the staff is making Jaken?" asked Rin.
"That little girl," screeched Jaken, "is something I don't know."
"It sounds like two women in pain."
"I sense a presence," said the bishounen Sesshomaru. "A beast that looks like two, but are connected at the... "
Sesshomaru stopped as he blushed.
"A beast with what milord?" asked Jaken.
"Never mind you Jaken," said Sesshomaru. "Let's continue on."
"At what? I do not mean to complain, but we've been walking in circles for weeks!"
"You fool. We have to continue on finding a way to get the Tessaiga from my half-breed half-brother of mine."
"And then what?"
"And then... shut up Jaken."
Sesshomaru ended the conversation by kicking Jaken to the nearest demon dung heap.
This time, however, we end up in the inside of a dark and creepy Japanese castle. In the main chamber sat a effeminate man (scroll reads "Naraku"), who had dark permed hair watching into a mirror held by a little girl with bluish white hair and a bluish white dress (scroll reads "Kanna"). Standing not from the two was a elfish woman with a bright kimono (scroll reads "Kagura") who fanned herself resentfully.
"So there are more visitors from Kagome's word," smiled Naraku, who sounds suspiciously like Paul Dobson or his Japanese equivalent. "Interesting. One of them posses a great power that may rival the Shikon Jewel."
"And what pray tell have you decided on?" asked Kagura after folding her fan closed.
"Both of course. I would like to acquire this strange power and make it mine."
From the mirror, he heard two women moaning, and he blushed.
"What are they doing?" he asked.
"It's what the humans call, um, kaiawase," Kagura dryly replied.
"Clam joining," said Kanna. "Clam jousting, bumping uglies, tapestry sanding, kissing of the bottom lips..."
"That's interesting Kanna."
"Cooch-on-cooch, donut-bumping..."
"That's enough Kanna."
And so, Kanna went on to describe every colloquialism of tribadism in every language: dead, living, future, and extraterrestrial.
It took some reluctant persuasion by the old priestess Kaede to convince the villagers to not crucify Mira and Ginger for the public act of lesbianism, although Becky helped a bit by hitting on the pretty village women.
They retreated into Kaede's house to be served tea by the old priestess where Becky discussed her and her party's reason for being in the Japanese feudal era (Sengoku). Kaede listened with convincing belief, although she kept on rubbing her remaining eye.
"An odd tale that is," she said. "But that doesn't really do anything to cure my current soreness. I do wish to see with my remaining eye, so please refrain from performing such acts in public again."
"It was Mira's fault," said Ginger.
"Whoever fault it is, the greater question how did ye pass over to our era if ye do not posses any spiritual powers?"
"I'm Muslim," said Mira.
"I'm awesome," said Ginger.
"I don't know really," said Becky. "The three of us are obviously strange, but we are looking for a sword. It looks kind of like this."
Becky partially unsheathed her katana, astonishing Kaede's remaining eye.
"It reminds me of his, yet it is not," said Kaede. "But I have seen this in many of the old scrolls."
"It's called the Tsukiseiki," said Becky.
"The Tsukiseiki? The demonic Full Moon Sword?"
"You've heard about it?"
"Once every full moon, yôkai from all over the world comes to suckle from its spiritual energy. In their journey, they would attack villages and against each other in an orgy of violence. Many a decade ago, I was asked to purify the sword that lay in the depths of Mount Yuri. As ye can see, I lost an eye, and my metabolism has shifted so that I could no longer burn the fat I once was. I am actually younger than I look."
"Pfft. You just got old and lazy grandma," said Ginger. "Admit it."
"Demon sword or not, I need to take it," said Becky. "Er, borrow it."
"Wouldn't taking it create a time paradox?" asked Mira.
"Relax. I'll just give it back when I'm done. I only need it to defeat Darryl Güse."
"So where is this Mount Yuri?"
Old crone Kaede gestured the girls to step outside her house so she could point at the mountain in question.
"Oh, that's what Mount Fuji used to be called," said Becky.
"That little hill?" snorted Kaede. "It's over to the right."
Becky and the girls, as well as HLS, dropped their jaws at the sight of a darker and taller mountain peak.
"That's the mountain?" Becky asked.
"No, that's Mount Hentai. It's still over to the right."
The girls looked again. Next to Mount Hentai is another mountain, darker and three times as big as Mount Fuji.
"Not that one. That's Mount Futanari."
"Then that one is..."
"That's Mount Yaoi. It's the one next to it."
Finally, the girl's collapsed at the epic magnitude fifth mountain peak Kaede pointed towards. Five times as high as Fuji, and possibly greater than that of Mount Everest, Mount Yuri is colored with a rainbow palette of evil. Perpetual dark clouds surround the skull-like mountain face, sending out instant tornadoes, hail, and brimstone every minute. Lava flowed from one side, and polluted mud from the other.
"I thought that I would never behold another evil object in the universe besides myself," said Ginger. "Mount Yuri takes the cake. Mother, I am home."
Becky and the girls rested for the night, which turned out to be the most unusual ever (despite another demon attack that they quickly dispatched). Ginger, who is usually rife with shadiness, went to sleep quietly and woke up quietly. Mira, the usual brunt of Ginger's evil, began to feel concerned, because they did not have sex again last night. She looked back the monstrously epic Mount Yuri, and wondered that if its natural emanation of pure evil affected Ginger, rendering her silent.
Regardless of Ginger's change of mood, the group had to trek up Mount Yuri to retrieve the Tsukiseiki of the past, and with the supplies donated to them from the villagers, they waved goodbye to Kaede and headed off right before a demon attacked the village.
It was either a kilometer or a mile that Mira really started to become concerned. Ginger did not step on ants like she used to, fire rubber bands at squirrels, or hurl fireworks at tanukis, or racoon dogs.
"Becky," Mira said to the wolf-eared girl, despite Ginger walking behind her. "I think there's something wrong with Ginger."
"KAGOME I'M COMING!" cried a voice.
After reaching a stop, they turned around and saw a tornado speeding down the road. They stepped aside, and Becky put out her foot to trip the tornado, which turned out to be a handsome wolf-like man dressed in furs who goes by the name of Koga, whose sinfully sexy kneecaps each contained two power-enhancing Shikon Jewel shards. The girls and their dog watched as the humanoid wolfman flew away to disappear as spiraling glint of light.
"KOGA'S FLYING OFF AGAIN!" so said the described character.
"Boss!" cried his similarly-dressed lackey with the mohawk. The lackey and another, one with a black forelock, chased after their leader and alpha male like loyal wolves do, yet tired of breath and perhaps becoming tired of Koga's antics. They took no notice of the visitors from the present, er, the future.
"As I was saying," said Mira. "Ginger's acting strangely today."
"What of it?" said Becky. "Azuma-sensei said we should act as natural as possible."
"But this isn't natural for my Ginger! She hasn't kicked HLS yet."
Becky sighed. "Hey Gingerbrat! How are you doing?"
"I am doing quite well Miss Wolfe," Ginger smiled.
"See? Ginger as cute as always."
"Well, yes," said Mira, already wet at seeing Ginger smile like a sweet girl. "But it really worries if she's not herself, although she's hotter that way."
"Sorry to disappoint you my Chemical Girlfriend," said Ginger, resuming her normal tone. "But I'm acting like this so I could cause the most minimal destruction in this era. I want to preserve this wonderful motherly mountain that we are heading into so that it will be waiting for us when we return to the present. When we do, I'll use it to construct my grand palace and rule Japan!"
"You already rule Japan in the shadows, remember?" said Becky. "Besides, who's to say that the mountain won't be destroyed between today and the present? The Russians, Chinese, or the Koreans might have destroyed it. Americans might have bombed it out in World War II. Hell, the Canadians might have been involved in its destruction. If the mountain isn't there when we started this journey, it won't be there when we get back."
"But Sis, this is mother we're talking about. She has to exist!"
"Not even mountains last forever."
"It has to! We must preserve Japan's greatest natural treasures for all to bow down upon."
"With names like Mount Yaoi or Mount Futanari, I wouldn't be surprised that the Japanese themselves destroyed them."
"Mount Yuri is the mountain we must preserve. We must not kill needlessly. We must not recklessly trample on each blade of grass. We must not de-virginize every pretty girl we lay our pussies on. I'll even be straight for the time being so that nothing will happen to our beloved mother."
"You'll be straight?" asked Mira.
"Is something wrong my dear friend? As a devout Muslim, surely you must be supportive of my decision."
"Why yes, I mean, no! I am pious, but I can't bear the thought of you bedding with a man."
"I won't do such a thing. I'll just be celibate."
It's one thing for Ginger to become straight, but to become celibate was outrageous. The Pakistani tribade grabbed Becky and shook her furiously.
"REBECCA MARYLAND WOLFE!" she yelled. "WE'VE GOT TO COMPLETE THIS MISSION AS SOON AS WE CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW!"
"Mira, this is really one of Ginger's tricks to get what she wants," said Becky.
"BECKY!"
"All right, all right! Let go of me, sheesh. Let's see here, this might be a week's trip, but in the present only an hour or so would have passed. Damn, at this rate I'll actually be a grandma when I rescue Red-chan."
"Help me!" cried a child's voice.
"Becky, it looks like someone needs help," said Mira.
"Ginger did want to do 'nothing' in the past," said Becky.
"But we have to do something! Being here means that we are meant to do something! And doing nothing means that we are affecting the past as we speak!"
"The kid's over there," pointed Ginger.
A creature looking like a little kid with a fox tail and fox feet crossed their path. A red and white ball was thrown at him. The ball opened up, and lashed out an energy "tongue" that converted him into energy. Thus, the kid-creature was now contained, and the girls drew their weapons out for the fight.
"Who's there?" Becky demanded.
"Prepare for trouble!" cried a woman's voice.
"And make it double," said a man's voice.
An effeminate man holding a rose and a woman, both in white uniforms with a large red "R" on their shirts, jumped into the scene
"To protect the world from devastation," continued woman.
"To unite all people within our nation," continued the young man.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Musashi! I mean, Jessie!
"James! I mean, Kojirô! I mean--"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight."
A strange cartoony cat creature leapt in front of the duo, presumably as part of the team. Before he could even finishing "Meowth," HLS pounced the creature, and literally began devouring the poor cat gruesomely and agonizingly in many chomps and chomps. When she finished, there was a pool of blood, and she coughed up something that looked like an old Japanese gold coin, which Ginger purposely ignored.
"Meowth!" cried Jessie.
"How dare you do such thing!" James cried. "Pokémon are not supposed to eat Pokémon!"
"Poke-a-what?" asked Mira.
"They're from Team Rocket," said Becky. "I've dealt with them before. They're nefarious for genetically engineering cute creatures big and small for the sole purpose of taking over the world. Not to worry, they've sent their worst. Let's be off."
"You can't run from a Pokémon battle!" Jessie cried.
"We're walking."
"Oh, that's it!" cried James. "Victreebel, I choose you!"
Kojirô, I mean, James threw out another ball that looked exactly like the one that captured the little fox brat in its own pocket dimension. The ball he threw opened, and out came out a scary-cute carnivorous bellflower creature with two angry eyes.
"Go Victreebel!" said James. Instead of attacking its owner's enemies, it instead gobbled James, chomping brutally and gruesomely, spilling blood all over the ground and on the utterly shocked Jessie. The creature named Victreebel swallowed into whatever pit you'd call stomach, and regurgitated James's clothes, rose stem, and his silicon breast implants he had used in that infamous beach episode.
Outnumbered, Jessie danced in her place in a panic. The broad, dismayed at the inexplicable, and not to mention the permanent loss of her comrades, threw out every red and white ball she had in her hammerspace, and none of them opened up to spit out any captured creatures, except for a blue dildo-like creature that kept on saying "Wobbuffet!" at every interval. HLS ate the strange creature promptly.
Many of the balls struck Becky and the girls, and their annoyance grew.
"All right that's it," said Becky. "I was going soft on you because you're pathetic and that your friends are dead. But you did try to kill us and--"
Suddenly, a blond woman in pseudo-samurai garb with a bass guitar strung on her back lunged in and chopped off Jesse's left arm with a ragged katana. She kicked the Team Rocket girl down an incline and into the river. Thus Jessie screamed, "Jesse's swimming solo one-handed again!"
"What the hell was that?" Mira asked.
"Shit, I can't believe she's here," said Becky. "Avril Lavigne, the Sex-String Samurai of the Blonde Order."
"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe," said Avril, "from the Order of the Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo. What are the odds of running into you in the past?"
"Very likely. Sound likes you're sent here to halt my advances."
"Or just to kill you."
"You are outnumbered: me, Mira, my dog..."
"Wobblefet!" barked HLS. The female doberman, like Scooby-Doo, covered her mouth in total shock. Eating too many magical mascots was really starting to take a toll on her.
"Erm, and Ginger maybe, are going to cut you down," Becky continued.
"Maybe not," said Avril. Sheathing her katana in the handle taped to the back of her guitar, she ran away.
"Sis, we have to go after her!" Ginger cried.
"What for?" Becky asked, feeling relaxed.
"She might harm the townspeople and cause a time paradox!"
"Oh fine! Let's go girls!"
"Bobafett!" HLS barked.
The three girls and their dog ran after Avril and ended up in the middle of a random village. A sign at the entrance read: "Days until next demon attack: 42." Eventually, thy followed her into a gambling house filled with thieves and thugs surprised at their time travel villagers.
"You're trapped!" Becky cried. "Give up now!"
"Okay then," said Avril. "Oh, boys, can you give me a helping hand please."
"Whaddya want us to do?" asked a bald and buck-toothed crook.
"I need your heads... all of it!"
Avril struck him with her guitar, and proceeded to hit the all the other men in the same manner. Then at least he reached the gambling house owner with a grin.
"The exit?" she asked.
The owner pointed the direction. Avril gave him her thanks by bonking on the head with her guitar, and ran out through the back door laughing away.
"My head!" cried the bald and buck-toothed crook. He and the rest of the men groaned in agony as a cancerous growth appeared from within their heads. The growth took on colors, and then mechanical shapes. Finally growth manifested into stylish humanoid robots, many of which had television's as heads, and others that had heads growing beneath their shoulders. As for the men, their heads had exploded. They are already dead... two minutes ago.
"Becky, what is going on?" asked Mira.
"It's Avril's special ability, 'Cooly Fooly'," replied Becky. "Any head she hits with her Space Bass Guitar creates robots within their victims. It's like Kenshiro's Fist of the North Star. They are already dead when she hits them. Some say..."
"Watch out!"
Becky narrow avoided the fist of red TV-head robot, and a bite from the torso-head robot that had sharp and manly sunglasses on its eyes. She parried them with her Tsukiseiki of the future and her sword sheath.
"As I was saying," said Becky, "the Space Bass Guitar supposedly opens a portal to an alien robot factory in a distant part of the galaxy, or at least from the mind of some mech-obsessed otaku."
"Do you think this exposition is important now?" cried Mira as she kept the robots at bay with her live pistols. "Ginger is in trouble!"
"I think she has it handled."
Becky was right. Instead of running away, using random people as shields, or hiding, Ginger was holding out on her own using her bent Gingerbat. With HLS helping her, they kept themselves alive enough to rejoin the others of the team.
"There's too many," said Mira, after deflecting the lance of a star-shaped robot.
They suddenly heard a man yell "Wind Scar!", and a blast of cutting energy broke through the walls like an invisible claw, and destroyed many of the robots in the gambling hall. The rest of the robots were either decapitated by a huge boomerang, sucked into a black hole that rested in a young monk's right hand, or melted by a huge cat-fox creature that breathed fire.
Becky came face-to-face to an unusual quartet and their best. One was female ninja-like warrior in sexy black with pink shoulder pads. She was the one who caught the huge boomerang as if it was nothing.
The other was young buddhist monk that had beads wrapped around his right hand. He carried a holy shakujô staff sharpened at the charm. In addition, he was touching the bum of the female warrior with the large boomerang, and she proceeded to whack him with the said boomerang.
There was unusual white-haired person with wolf-ears on the top, something that Ginger and Mira had noticed as odd. He carried a huge sword, wore a red robe, and walked barefooted.
Besides him was large twin-tailed cat-fox creature the size of a Yugo, except that it doesn't break. Finally, there was an average Japanese schoolgirl wielding a bow. She happened to be the Kagome that Becky and her crew saw going into the well.
"I sense an evil presence from them," said the young monk, after recovering from his head wound.
"Demons," said the young man with the huge sword. "They have their scent."
"Yôkai," said the female ninja warrior. "Sheesh, when are we going to get this right?"
"Wait!" cried Kagome. "They're not demons. Well, the one in the center is evil."
Becky, Mira, and HLS shifted so that Ginger was standing obviously alone. "How can poor me be evil?"
"Who are these people Kagome?" asked the monk. "They look like people from your era."
"They're not Japanese," said Kagome, "but they're, um, gaijin."
"Gay Jen?" asked Becky. "Man that woman was a slut during my college days. Nearly seduced my roommate."
"I think she meant foreign person," said Mira.
"I know that. Can't you take a joke? But there really was a Gay Jen when I went to college."
"Who cares who they are?" said the young man with the huge sword. "Tell me why you are here? Are you related to Kagome?"
"First things first," said the monk as he slid towards Becky and the girls. "Have any of you seen our demon friend? He's this tall, has a bushy tail, and has these cute fox ears. He responds to the name of Shippo."
"Shippo huh?" Becky muttered. Around the same time, a red-and-white ball rolled up to her feet, and inside the strange kid-like fox creature was screaming at the top of his lungs. Becky pushed the sole button of the ball, thereby releasing the creature in a epilepsy-inducing flash.
"Thank goodness you're all here," Shippo said to the four strangers Becky met. Before he could run into the safety of Kagome's arms, HLS stared down at him hungrily. HLS barked, and started chasing the poor little fox-demon or yôkai until he went back into Pokéball for the sake of his life. While Kagome was dissatisfied that Shippo was forced to hide in there for the entire episode, the rest of the crew were satisfied since he was an annoyingly useless brat. HLS too was dissatisfied, since her magical meal was locked inside the ball, which she then carried around in her mouth.
"I guess we know where Shippo went," said the monk. "How about we introduce ourselves? I am Miroku, and this is--"
The monk named Miroku received a giant whack to the head by the giant boomerang wielded the female ninja. The monk had stroked a bit of Ginger's butt to receive such a punishment, and knowing this, Mira stole the giant boomerang and commenced beating Miroku some more with it.
"The owner of the giant boomerang is Sango," said Kagome, "and she's a demon hunter. Over here is Kirara, our ride, and next to me is Inuyasha, a half-demon."
"What's with the ears?" Becky asked Inuyasha.
"What about my ears?" Inuyasha retorted. "You should explain your ears! Are you a half-demon?"
"I get that a lot. The truth is, my hair just looks that way."
"Yeah right. You're a half-demon. Admit it."
"Stop badgering them Inuyasha! Sit!"
It was as if Inuyasha's upper body free-fell to the ground. Becky, Ginger, Mira, and HLS were amazed by this and applauded.
"That's amazing!" cried Becky. "Maybe I can do it too--sit!"
Before Inuyasha could stand straight, he fell to the ground again.
"That's cool!" Mira cried. "Sit!"
Inuyasha fell for the third time.
"Arf!" cried HLS.
Inuyasha fell for the fourth time, kind of like Jesus, but stupider.
"Guys, please stop!" Ginger cried. "Sure he was rude, but we shouldn't get ourselves too carried around with it."
Then suddenly, Inuyasha fell again.
"Don't say that word!" he cried.
"What?" asked Becky. "It?"
Inuyasha fell the sixth time.
"How... is... it... that... you... can... control... me?"
"I don't know how it works," said Becky. WHAM!
"I don't think me being a Muslim have anything to do with it." WHAM AGAIN!
"STOP!" pleaded a bloodied Inuyasha.
"Oh Inuyasha," said Kagome. "You can take it." SLAM!
It turned the binding spell Kagome had cast on Inuyasha in their first meeting had morphed in something stranger upon Becky and her crew's arrival. Miroku groped Ginger again, but received another whack of Hiraikotsu, Sango's giant boomerang from Sango first, then Mira who took it away from her. At the same time, Shippo wrestled at the dilemma of freeing himself from the Pokéball or risk getting eaten by HLS.
At the same time, the Sengoku era's main bad guy, Naraku, was planning something sinister.
--
1 From CLAMP's X, released in the U.S. as X/1999.
Title: Becky Wolfe: A Fuddled Fairy Tale, Part 2
[Author's notes: Long hiatus is long...]
Mother Güse Must Die
Chapter 26 - Becky Wolfe: A Fuddled Fairy Tale, Part 2
by StarCross
Barrier, smarrier. Sex-Stringed Samurai Avril Lavigne smashed it open with one swing of Space Bass Guitar. Then again, it was an evil barrier, and an evil person like her could just walk through it easily. She just wanted an excuse to use her weapon.
She walked into a courtyard of an old and decrepit Japanese castle. It would be much nice if it weren\'t for the hundreds of demons that inhabited the area, many of which looked more like serpents with skull heads. No matter. Avril had dealt with many monsters in her career as a popular rock star and as an enforcer of the Blonde Order. Using her katana and the Space Bass, she made quick work of them as she made her way towards the front entrance. Whenever she struck a demon with her guitar, a cute and harmless creature popped out of their heads. As for the demon\'s heads, they exploded. They were already dead... two minutes ago.
That was the power of Space Bass Guitar. Initially, it was thought only robots popped out of heads, but truth be told, the guitar had the power of "Inversion". What this meant an "opposite" of the creature whose head was struck would pop out. For example, if she hit the head of a giant rampaging robot, a harmless human would pop out, etc. The effects varied, but all in all Avril had command of any creature that popped out of heads.
Anywho, Avril made it to the darkened receiving chamber where a handsome man in Japanese sat waiting. Beside him was red-eyed woman in a colorful kimono wielding a fan, and other was a white-haired white-robed girl of ten of so holding an ornate mirror.
"Donut-grinder," said Kanna the mirror-wielder.
"Don\'t mind her," said Naraku. "Clearly, you\'re not from this era."
"Of course not, but I have been sent by the Order of Rich, Dumb, Blonde, and Whorish to prevent a certain event from happening."
"What would a mere human like you have to offer me?"
"You heard about the demon sword known as the Tsukiseiki that sleeps at the top of Mount Yuri, have you?"
"Yes I have. Numerous times I have tried to penetrate the barrier and sent many of my detachments to break it. On the full moon when the barrier lifts, the demons go out of control, making it very difficult for me to climb."
"Or maybe you\'re just lazy."
"While the sword is powerful, it is not the reason why I want to climb that mountain."
"The Sacred Jewel Shard. I know all about your search for it."
"So you can help me retrieve it?"
"I know how you don\'t like to get your hands dirty, but I need your shards to help me break with my combined power. You can get the fragment, and I can get the sword. Is that a deal?"
"How will I know that you won\'t backstab once you get the Tsukiseiki?"
"I won\'t use the Tsukiseiki--I need to destroy it. The others who have arrived here have powers beyond the one known as Kagome. In fact, there is one whose evil rivals yours. But think about this: where I come from, you don\'t exist. Your so-called immortality is futile against that important fact known as inevitability. If you exist, then my employer will happily ally you in conquering this country--or the entire world if you will."
"Sound\'s tempting, but I prefer to have my own little spot to rule in Japan."
"Suit yourself."
"As for me assisting you, I\'ll only send you my detachments. The first will be Kagura, the mistress of wind. The second is Kanna, wielder of the Soul Mirror. And the third will be Dufitsu."
Avril had just realized that there was fourth individual hidden poorly in black clothes and bandages at the corner of the chamber. He was tall and potbellied, and he had a mentally challenged look on his face. Prominent on his belly was a spider-shaped scar. His finger was in his mouth, and he muttered, "duuu" at random intervals.
"I studied one semester of Japanese in college," said Avril, "but Dufitsu sounds a lot like \'doofus\'."
"He\'s not exactly a detachment I\'m proud about," blushed Naraku, "but at least he doesn\'t piss me off like some others... COUGH-Kaguraisabitch-COUGH."
"Ass," Kagura muttered.
"As for the lending of my Shikon jewel fragments, I\'ll lend you half in order to break the barrier and walk on the grounds without being affected by the mountain\'s unique demonic properties."
With his femininely fine fingernails, Naraku broke his hemispherical half of the jewel and threw into Avril\'s hand.
"Don\'t fail me now," he said. "I\'d like to rule this pitiful land without effort if you\'ll please."
As an apology for causing misery to the men of Kagome\'s group, Becky and her crew decided to stop at the nearest inn rented at sharp discount thanks to Miroku\'s grifting and Becky wooing of the local womenfolk. It made Miroku envious of her skills, yet confused. Here was a pretty and tall tomboy whose breasts was the work of legends, but he says that about everybody. But the moment he was about to ask for advice from her (and put on the boom-chika moves on her), Miroku was promptly whacked by the ass-big boomerang wielded by Sango.
As best as she could, Becky explained to. Her newfound friends the reason why she was in the Japanese feudal era, although there were frequent breaks of her bawling over the loss of Red-chan and her groping every pretty young Japanese hostess, often at the same time. Kagome and her crew swore they have just witnessed a male Miroku, but I digress. However, the Inuyasha group were simply speechless at the trials Becky and her group had go through in past year.
"Who the fuck are you people?" Kagome exclaimed. "I can\'t believe all of you haven\'t been tried for genocide!"
"I\'m pretty sure the people I killed were rapists or child molesters," replied Becky. "Or both."
"How do you know for sure?"
"Um, they were attacking me? First rule yo. First rule."
"And you," said Kagome, pointing to Ginger the Calm. "You stole more money than the entire US debt!"
"Me?" Ginger blinked prettily. "But I realized the error of my error of my ways and donated it to charity."
"You used that money to build a space ark on the moon," Becky corrected.
"That\'s to save the all the animals and all the children of the world in the impending disaster."
"No, you were planning to sell them off in the black market in whole or in pieces."
"I am sad Miss Wolfe. We\'ve been best friends for years, and you still aren\'t convinced of my dreams of world charity?"
"I\'ve only known you for a year! Goddess, I\'m gonna spank your ass once we get back to our time."
"As you wish. If it will assuage your anger at yourself, I\'ll accept any punishment handed down to me."
"I think I might do that now. But first, I\'ll need to speak with the sexy innkeeper\'s daughter. Be right back."
From their bamboo tatami suite, Becky waltzed out. A few seconds later, Miroku, who had left to go to the bathroom (it was a lie), was booted back in the suite, much to the anger of demon-hunter ninja girl Sango who walloped him with the ass-big boomerang for fraternizing with the sexy innkeeper\'s daughter. Giggles from Becky and the girl were heard from the kitchen, along with the banging of Japanese pots and pans.
"So Kagome," said Mira. "You yourself are looking for a rare artifact."
"Here\'s the thing," said Kagome. "It was inside of me, and then I lost it, and it broke into pieces. You see, a long time ago--"
"For Goddess\'s sake," said Ginger. "How long have you been visiting the past?"
"A couple of weeks maybe."
"And you\'ve been meddling with the past all along? Look at all this: potato chip bags, cereal boxes, gum wrappers, yaoi manga. It\'s bad enough that you\'re here yourself and pooping Shikon jewels out of your ass."
"It\'s not my fault! Some centipede lady molested me to the past! Then stuff happened and the Shikon jewel broke into pieces."
"It was your fault by the way," said Inuyasha.
"Nothing I can do about it but get all pieces in order to destroy it." After burping and finishing a can of Pringles, Kagome threw the can out the window.
"KAGOME!" yelled an American man in a ragged military uniform. "YOU CAN\'T DO THAT! THE FUTURE WILL BE CHANGED! YOU\'LL CREATE A TIME PARADOX!"
"Holy mackerel of Mohammed!" Mira cried. "Who the fuck is this?"
"Oh, that\'s just Crazy Colonel," said Kagome. "He claims to have come from the same era as us, but no matter what we do, he keeps coming back here."
"SNAAAAAKES!"
A snake crawled past him, and slithered into a hole in the mat.
"He doesn\'t like snakes by the way," added Kagome.
"Or time paradoxes," said Ginger. "Seriously, you should get your ass back to the present before you ruin it any further."
"Ruin it? You four being here are making it worse! And that dog..."
HLS was shagging a healthy female dog with canine-sized strap on. Looking at the prosthetic nose HLS was wearing, Kagome was reminded of a song:
I want to change the world
Kaze wo kake nukete
Nanimo osorezu ni ima yuuki to
Egao no kakera daite
Change my mind
Jounetsu tayasazu ni
Takanaru mirai e te wo nobaseba
Kagayakeru hazu sa
It\'s wonderland...
"Ooh, I got to get V6\'s latest single!" Kagome cried.
"Wobblefett!" HLS barked, and she covered her mouth like Scooby-Doo, but sexier.
"Stop trying to ignore me!" Ginger cried. "I\'m here trying to save Japan!"
"No you\'re not!" cried Kagome. "You only want to preserve Mount Yuri!"
"Kagome, you just want to use the Jewel just to make Mount Yaoi bigger," said Inuyasha.
"Shut up! That\'s not canon!"
Becky had finished her "business" with the innkeeper\'s daughter, and the two entered while tightening their jeans belt or yukata sash.
"I miss Red-chan," sighed Becky.
"Did you have to shag every girl you see?" Ginger asked.
"When I\'m lonely and sad, I get horny and have sex with women."
"BECKY!" cried the Crazy Colonel. "YOU CAN\'T DO THAT! THE INNKEEPER\'S DAUGHTER IS UNDERAGE!"
In the Sengoku era, or rather, in any medieval era where the sword is the law, there is one saying regarding womanhood: When you get the tits, you accept the bits. In the case between two consenting females, the bits are the tits. And pussies. You couldn\'t blame Crazy Colonel. He was raised like all good white Christian Americans in America in the sixties, which is being raised like a white Christian America in the sixties.
Unfortunately the gang became tired of him, Kagome and Inuyasha\'s group especially. With one subtle nod from the Becky, Mira fired a blow dart, quickly putting the white man to sleep. They tied him up, and dropped him into the Bone Eater\'s Well.
"I hope grandpa can keep him busy," said Kagome.
"That takes care of one problem," said Ginger, "but what about all your stuff? I mean, because of you, the people of the past was forced to build landfills for all your trash."
"I\'m environmentally responsible! I sort all my burnables!"
Not far and past the trees were many giant holes, each filled with trash from the modern era. One pile were filled with empty snack bags. Another had a pile of broken pink bicycles. There was also one pile filled with Yakuza corpses. Since Japan in the Sengoku era was like a third world, there were scavengers and children playing and mining the landfill respectively. Especially the Yakuza pile. That was topped off by corpses of the real Herbert Hoover and J. Edgar Hoover.
"They were paying for my tuition," said Kagome, referring to the Yakuza pile. "Besides, I\'m not lugging all the trash back to the present! It\'s already polluted!"
"Why not send it to a well that goes to the future?" Mira asked.
"I tried, but the trash in the future goes to a well that goes to my time, and I have to take that trash along with the trash in my time back here!"
"Then why not dump the trash into a well that goes to the past here?"
"Shut up!" cried Ginger. "We\'re not solving the problem of saving the past! There\'s got to be a well that leads to a gravitational singularity. Is there one in this era?"
The group looked around, thinking hard, whistling softly.
"I do have a hole," said Miroku, raising his right hand.
"I\'m pretty sure we can stuff more than one Yakuza thug in your ass," said Ginger.
"I mean, I have a curse where my right hand sucks anything into the abyss."
"You mean a black hole?"
"Kagome says it acts like that."
"How does that work? Does it compress into a singularity? Do you actually absorb and digest the things that goes into right hand?"
Miroku shrugged.
"In that case, grab him guys!" Ginger cried. "We\'re going to do some Hoover-on-Hoover cleaning action!"
"Wait!" Sango cried. "If Miroku absorbs anything poisonous, it will affect him!"
"Then why the hell does still need to eat if he absorbs trees, cows, and all that shit? By the way, I saw him hitting on the women in the village. Including the one-eyed crone."
Angrily, Sango whacked the monk with her ass-big boomerang.
"Let\'s stuff his hole," she growled.
And so, Ginger rigged up wheeled carrier using parts of broken pink bicycles in order to turn Miroku into a bottomless vacuum cleaner. After undoing his beads (prayer beads, not the non-anal kind), they cleaned up the trash Kagome carried over from the future. Sure they might have accidentally sucked up some trees, endangered animal species, and a few unlucky children, but the clean up was necessary.
It was night when they finished. They celebrated at the inn by the munching on the crispy onion rings and beer Kagome had stuffed in her big yellow backpack, and their beloved vacuum cleaner, Miroku, finally woke up as if he was in a very bad hangover.
"Ungh, what happened to me?" Miroku groaned. Suddenly, he threw up semen.
"Sorry about that," said Kagome. "We had to suck up the Crazy Colonel\'s mess in his room."
"How the hell did it go from his Windtunnel to his mouth?" Mira asked.
Once again, Becky did her "business" with the innkeeper\'s daughter, and came back to the suite.
"I miss Red-chan," sighed Becky.
"Holy Moses Sis!" cried Ginger. "We can\'t go anywhere with a bitch shagging another bitch! And we\'re not talking about HLS here! Seriously, you\'re going to get someone pregnant."
"Well, there was that one time in college..."
"Now that I think about," said Sango, "Naraku sent out a female demon who wanted to fuck Miroku\'s holes with a Shikon-enhanced strap-on."
"Yeah, it was nice," said Miroku before he threw up semen again.
"That came from Bill and Ted!" Kagome quipped.
"That reminds of me of the antique Japanese strap on my Jean-chan had during college," said Becky. "I wonder how she\'s doing..."
Meanwhile in the present, Jean Owen Biggs was strolling down Seoul feeling lucky. An American uncle who earned a fortune in South Korea left her a sizable, but not vast fortune right when she landed on the peninsula with her kooky sister, a practitioner of Holistic Cunnilingus, and a female armless gynecologist. Since leaving them in North Korea, her luck couldn\'t be any better. She got rich. She became an honorary citizen of South Korea. She hooked up with a famous Korean actor. She got a new dress. She also won the StarCraft competition.
"I don\'t know if you understand me Sang," said Jean. "All my life has been rife with misfortune. My mother died when she was young, leaving me to be raised by my sisters. I couldn\'t get a boyfriend because everyone thinks I\'m gay ever since preschool. I mean, how could a pretty sista like me be gay? Just because I admire female athletes, read lesbian novels, cross-dress at my birthday party, and watch all-female Japanese musicals doesn\'t make me gay. Right?"
Jean\'s boyfriend replied something to her in Korean, something about him dating Jean just to cover up his homosexuality from the media.
"I love you too, Sang," said Jean.
A black swirling cloud appeared above the couple, opening up a hole from another dimension. From that hole, was of used toilet paper fell on sang, followed by an avalanche of discarded snack bags, yaoi manga, broken pink bicycles, Yakuza corpses, a few Japanese children from the medieval era, etc., eventually topping off with the corpses of the real Herbert Hoover and J. Edgar Hoover. Sang was dead, and Jean hated looking at yaoi manga.
It was just like college, when an antique Japanese strap-on fell on top of her during her sorority initiation. It also reminded her of the demonic wasp infestation during elementary school where everyone but her was stung and had to be seriously hospitalized. The incident killed her teacher, but that was okay because he was a pedophile.
On that moment, Jean\'s luck vanished. Her new and expensive dress was permanently stained. Blizzard Entertainment stripped her of her StarCraft trophy, citing sabotage (it was Ginger\'s fault). Then she was arrested and charged for murder and littering, the latter of which levied the heaviest penalty that required payment equivalent to her uncle\'s inheritance. She was stripped of her honorary citizenship, and when she was being transported to be processed at the U.S. Embassy, the driver got drunk during the drive and inadvertently drove her over the cliff that went over the 38th Parallel. Everybody but Jean died, but don\'t worry. Her escorts were either drug smugglers, persistent wife-beating drunks, or both.
She wandered towards the border checkpoint, where the border guards engaged in an epic stare-down. She needed to get back to the embassy, so she bribed the North Korean guard with a canister of Altoids, and prepared herself to bribe the South Korean guard with the Rolex watch she inherited from her uncle. Unfortunately the South Korean guard shot the watch to pieces.
"Spy!" cried the South Korean border guard, and he began shooting at Jean.
"Damn you Becky!" Jean yelled in utter reflex. She ran away to avoid the gunfire from the guard, flailing her fists as if she wanted to beat a certain woman\'s breasts.
"거부에서 이다!" yelled the North Korean guard.
"What?"
Jean tripped over a ledge and into the bed of a truck carrying black market goods bearing towards Pyongyang, the North Korean capital.
"Ah, that was a wonderful memory," said Becky. "Since then, the girls in the sorority started propositioning her for sex."
"Warren Buffet!" barked HLS.
"HLS is right," said Ginger. "Now that we cleaned up the trash from the future, we\'ve got to get rid of the cause."
"Hold on!" Kagome cried. "I need to be here to find the Jewel Shards! Only I can do that!"
"All you do is nag Dogboy!"
"Yeah!" Inuyasha cried. "Ever since we met, all you\'ve been telling me is \'Inuyasha, don\'t kill the humans. Inuyasha, don\'t scratch your crotch. Inuyasha, don\'t be a necrophiliac. Inuyasha, don\'t pee on my yaoi manga\'."
"You\'re one to talk!" Kagome retorted. "Every time I\'m gone, you\'re like, \'Boo-hoo, I miss Kagome. I won\'t have pork rinds, so I\'ll starting screwing around with a zombie.\' If you feel that way, then fine! I\'m going back to my era!"
"Just like a married couple," said Mira.
"Yeah," said Miroku, stroking the ninja-girl\'s butt. "I wonder if we\'ll be like that, eh Sango?"
Miroku was thrown to the floor by Sango, and whacked in the head by the ass-big boomerang. Ginger took the boomerang and continued whacking him until he regurgitated more semen.
Then the door to their suite suddenly slid open, and the Crazy Colonel came in, yelling:
"KAGOME! YOU CAN DO THAT! THE FUTURE WON\'T BE CHANGED! YOU WON\'T CREATE A TIME PARADOX!"
"Just like he said," said Ginger.
Mira sedated Crazy Colonel again. The group tied him up and took him to the Bone Eater\'s Well, but when they arrived, the area surrounding was filled with body bags containing Yakuza corpses and one clone of Joe McCarthy. It was so bad that the well\'s opening was clogged up.
"I forgot!" said Kagome. "It\'s Monday, and that\'s when they drop off the bodies!"
"Shit, where is that Miroku guy?" Ginger asked.
"He ran away," said Sango.
"Hopefully flirting with a certain sexy innkeeper\'s daughter."
"That bastard! I\'ll go get him!"
She ran off, riding on top of a demonic cat that breathed fire. Sango was taking too long to retrieve the lecherous monk.
"Is there any other well around this area?" Ginger asked.
"We have something like them," said Kagome. She showed Ginger and her group to another clearing filled strange and exotic machines that weren\'t just from the future (present), but also from alternate universes.
Ginger first knocked on British phone box, and whoever was inside replied curtly in a London accent, "Occupied!"
"Well, Mira nevers!" Ginger remarked.
She went over to phone booth and dialed the number of Esteban, her go-to smuggler, but someone else answered on the other line with single "whoa."
"Who\'s this?" Ginger asked.
"Keanu Reeves."
Ginger quickly hung up and stepped out. She knocked it over and threw one of Red-chan\'s grenades inside to make it explode.
Then she found a dusty old book written in ancient Chinese, which she had a basic understanding of, and dryly read the latest written page.
"And Miaka stood on the railing watching as her beloved Tamahome stroll into her view. \'Tamanome!\' she yelled. \'Miaka!\' he yelled back."
The page was filled with nothing but the two principal characters yelling out their names to each other. In fact, many of the other pages were filled with the couple yelling each other\'s names. Ginger grew bored and pissed, and promptly burned the book, causing Zombie Alec Guinness, who was retiring in Raccoon City at the present time, to quote:
"I felt a mild disturbance in the force, as if a million fictional characters suddenly cried out in terror and nobody gave a damn. Brains."
There was also a dusty Delorean in the field, but unfortunately Ginger couldn\'t start the car, and it would be pain to go through a well and get gas. There was however a mummified corpse who looked suspiciously like Michael J. Fox in the passenger seat. After she got out, she forgot to apply the parking brake, and the Delorean rolled down the hill, running over a mad and suicidal bandit in the process.
In addition, there were other wells. Very suspicious wells. There were wells made of wood that could only be found in foreign forests. There were naturally forming wells of black wood, and wells that looked like a pulsating sand worm, which as it turns out be a sarlacc pit that swallowed a sand worm part way. Kagome named a few, such as the Hair Sniffer\'s Well, where it leads to a world of Portuguese Missionaries--filled with men who only have sex in the missionary position or else they\'ll die during intercourse. The Pubic Scratcher\'s Well led to a world populated by people afflicted with either hemorrhoids, groin leprosy, or P-Scratcher. The Nose Picker\'s Well led to world populated with bearded women and men who could not grow facial hair. And the Sarlacc Well led to a world populated by pasty and obese Jedi and Jeremy Bulloch.
There was one well that was colored in a fruity yet straight way, and it happened to be the only well that was boarded up.
"Might I ask what this well is?" Mira asked.
"That\'s the Skin Licker\'s Well," replied Kagome. "They say it leads to a horrific world."
"Cool, let\'s open it!" cried Ginger.
"You can\'t! Who knows what evil will cross over!"
"Why can\'t you dump Crazy Colonel in the other wells?" asked Inuyasha.
"Judging by the success you guys have with the usual well," said Ginger, "you\'ll need to dump him in a well that he won\'t be able come back from for at least two days."
"You have a point. Crazy Colonel always show up at the wrong times."
Thus the colorful boards from the Skin Licker\'s Well were removed--carefully. And the unconscious body of Crazy Colonel was dumped in without ceremony, save for the colorful teleportation that occurs when you reach rock bottom. Strangely, the teleportation had a hint of hip-gyrating vide complete with the hissing of maracas and the banging of cuíca drums.
Sinisterly, Ginger had an ulterior motive. In order to preserve the past in its current state, what better way to do so than to send the cause of all this mess, Kagome, down the most colorfully evil well in all of ancient Japan. Pretending that her hand slipped, Ginger punched Kagome into the well.
"Kagome!" Inuyasha cried.
"Aren\'t you going after her?" Mira asked.
"Hell no! I\'m not going down there! Plus she nags at me. I\'ll miss this pork rinds."
"In that case, problem solved!" said Ginger. "Now, we can begin our mission to preserve Mount Yuri!"
"Weren\'t we going to help Becky retrieve the Tsukiseiki of the feudal era?" Mira asked.
"Do what now?"
Now, there were two jiving teleportation flashes on the bottom of the well, not including the one caused by the dropping of Crazy Colonel. The first occurred when Ginger punched Kagome down the well. The second was probably caused by another Ginger who occupied the world that the well led into. All of a sudden, Kagome appeared once again. She seemed different for some reason.
"Ah shit!" Inuyasha cried. "Kagome!"
"Hey, did you get a tan?" Mira asked the schoolgirl.
Instead of speaking modern Japanese, ancient Japanese, or Canadian English if you were watching the dub, the tanned Kagome rolled her R\'s and yelled:
"SAMBA! AYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!"
Her oversized backpack, which had been regular yellow, was now banana yellow. Inside was now filled with thongs, fruits, and small boom box playing rhythmic Brazilian Samba. Thus, Samba-Kagome began moving around, dance perhaps and shaking her hips left and right like she just didn\'t care, while waving her hands in the air.
"Someone!" said Ginger. "Push her back into the well!"
"I can\'t!" Mira cried. "Her hips move with too much rhythm!"
"This can\'t get any worse!"
Just then, a swarm of dog-sized hornets with sinister red eyes appeared.
"Not to worry," said Inuyasha. "That\'s just Naraku\'s Saimyosho. He sends this after us once a week."
Then a gust of wind blew around them, and a red-eyed elfish woman in a colorful yet conservative kimono.
"Yeah it\'s me," sighed Kagura. "I\'m after your jewel shards, blah blah blah."
"Is Naraku bitching at you again?" asked Inuyasha.
"Like he always does."
"AAAAAHHH SAMBA!" rolled Samba-Kagome. "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!"
"Whats with her?"
"Don\'t ask," replied Inuyasha.
"Hey, what did I miss?" said Becky as she arrived while pulling her pants up. At the same time, Sango arrived dragging a beaten Miroku by the hair. I don\'t think his bruises were caused by the usual ass-big boomerang. Most of it anyway.
"Oh god, Kagura," said Sango. "Is this going to be one of those lame battles? I mean, I\'m surprised Miroku hasn\'t, as Kagome puts it, \'Tapped that ass\'."
"Oh, you\'re going to regret saying that ninja-bitch," Kagura growled.
"Hey, you should leave Becky, Mira, HLS, and I alone!" Ginger cried. "We don\'t want to interfere in a battle that would kill both sides and leave Mount Yuri alone."
"Ginger! Don\'t be a heroine!" cried Becky. "At least not right now!"
"Oh yeah," said Kagura. "I have to kill the evil girl as well, \'cause you know, my boss is evil, and there is only room for one evil in the world, etc."
"I\'m standing my ground," said Ginger. "Bring it on!"
They battle. At least for Inuyasha\'s group anyway. Miroku remained lying on the ground relishing in the masochism caused by Sango, and he was useless anyway due to a stupid reason that poisonous insects he absorbs poisons him, but as it turned out, he was simply allergic. Inuyasha did his Wind Scar thingy, Sango threw her ass-big boomerang, and Samba-Kagome danced the Samba--again.
But things went wrong. Because Ginger was bravery than usual, the ass-big boomerang struck Ginger in the ass, this causing her to yell her catch phrase, "Aw, fuck! My butt!"
Before Mira could acknowledge that she became wet from Ginger\'s words, the evil Ginger tripped one hundred paces and fell into the river. Not just any river. Of all the rivers, she fell in the Shinjuku River, which led after a sharp drop over the Akihabara Waterfall into treacherous waters of Tokyo River running through Tokyo Canyon. Mira, after screaming her beloved\'s name, jumped in after her.
"Mira! Don\'t be a heroine!" Becky cried. "At least not until we get the Tsukiseiki on Mount Yuri!"
Somehow, the battle ended, no thanks to Samba-Kagome or Inuyasha and his group. Kagura, after seeing the Saimyosho decimated, said "fuck it" and left.
"Um, can you help me guys?" Becky asked.
"No way!" cried Inuyasha. "Your friends are evil. And gay to boot."
"At least take Kagome with you!"
"That\'s not our Kagome," said Sango.
So the main characters in the relevant series left Becky, HLS, and a Brazilian-Japanese schoolgirl to fend for themselves and annoy each other.
"AAAAAHHH SAMBA!" rolled Samba-Kagome. "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!"
"Ah Samba," said Becky, dryly. She joined Samba-Kagome in a half-hearted dance attempt, and as best she could, HLS danced too.
"HLS!" cried Crazy Colonel as he danced into the scene. "YOU CAN\'T DO THAT! DOGS AREN\'T MEANT TO DO THE BRAZILIAN SAMBA!"